Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 5

Episode Date: October 30, 2020

Some outstanding choice for the island this week from YOU the listeners! PLUS Star of Desert Island Dicks 50th episode John Deacon comes through with some suggestions for the listeners. Submit your dicks today at dickspod.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. to you by the fda hey james how you doing hi dan i, I'm fine, how are you?

I'm okay, I'm alright. Alright. I feel like we really haven't nailed these intros. I know. Maybe I should just go really big from the top. Shall we try that? Shall we start again? Yeah, yeah. Alright. Okay, here we go. You take the lead. Hello, I'm Dan, host of Desert Island Dicks,

the show where people choose the worst people and things to be stuck on a desert island with. And joining me is previous host and the man who put the whole thing together in the first place, James Deacon. Hi, Dan, it's me, James. Thanks for welcoming me onto the podcast on a weekly basis. Thank you for thanking me.

Now, everybody listening, this isn't Desert Island Dicks. This is, of course, the companion podcast, Compact Dicks, where you, the listener, get to choose all that is shit in the world. Yeah, something like that. Dan, that was fucking good. I'm into that. That was really good. Yeah, there you go.

That's it. Great. Yeah. It's basically, yeah, this is the companion podcast to Desert Island Dicks. So this is where listeners, you can get in touch and you can tell us all the stuff that gets on your tits. And we'll read it out. So, should we carry on like we did with the other podcast? How did we carry on with the other podcast?

Just get right into the dicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get stuck in. I'm going to start with one. Can I get one? Yeah. Okay. This one is from Michaelael faust or michael fost how would you say f-a-u-s-t faust michael faust and he says i am 76 stuck in the house on my own and have just discovered podcasts i know that they have been around for a while and i feel like the aged judge who said who are the beatles however i logged on to you listen to an early pod and have not laughed so much in an age

thanks a lot and i intend to trawl my way through all the podcasts who slash what do i hate just for starters house music dave clark five michael gove and freeform jazz snails plus the usuals have already been mentioned thank you michael oh man thank you michael i'm very pleased that you've discovered us that means a lot to me and he goes on to just finish with plus all the usuals that have already been mentioned great well i'm glad that we're striking a chord with you and I'm very happy to have you as a listener. So thank you for listening. Thank you, Michael. This comes from Jack Thompson

and this is, well, I'll tell you why I'm so, so up for this one. Jack says, People who brag about going travelling, the lowest form of humanity, as I'm from Brighton, the bastards flock down here from the home counties and feel it is their god-given right to tell me about their travels to a third world country volunteering on a side note they always went to find themselves in very particular destinations

why do they always find themselves in a war-torn country who's just overthrown a tyrannical dictator they never find themselves on the Costa del del sol or bogner do they basically their trips are a massive massage for their egos and a drain from their parents pockets because we both know god damn well they did not pay for it themselves this is good uh he said now the problem i have with these people is they're blissfully unaware how neo-colonial it is to pitch up in another country and offer their services forcing these kids into a selfie to post on social media to show how wonderful and selfless they are have a word nice this is great dan you lived in brighton i lived in brighton i've gone traveling

as well so like i've been traveling extensively i'm a proper middle class prick but i think the thing is i always understood it was like i was going on a very long, selfish holiday because I could. Right. But there's a lot of people who like Brighton is like it's the unbearable thing about Brighton, which is like a lot of people sort of like yearning to tell you their stories or like, you know, you go around someone's flat and there's loads of pictures of like elderly women carrying huge bundles of sticks. And you're like, why did you take a picture of that poor person working really hard like you know i mean you had a nice time which you were able to do because you live in a country where you could save up and then fuck off for three months or whatever you know like accept that and it's fine but like you're not changing the world so i'm i'm with him

on this okay yeah this is good even though i'm part of the problem yes so yeah thank you for that jack dan this next one is from paul manfully oh yeah grand manster flash self-proclaimed stats guy to desert island dicks who has put together a spreadsheet of all the dicks which is quite an amazing feat um which you should probably start using at some point and paul goes on to say um long time listener and the stats guide both to your desert island dicks as well as compact dicks and therefore had to put my desert island dicks in and we welcome your dicks paul and he goes on to say this is probably the most controversial but here it goes winston churchill would be my top choice he was a wartime hero and i cannot deny that but he was a horrible racist and fought vehemently vehemently vehemently

against gandhi what does that mean it's like you have an utter conviction about doing something you know right i think it's that sort of thing and he said it's affected me in a way that i cannot take five pound notes anymore because even when i do i have to spend it with the queen's head facing me so so his mean mug is not judging me when i'm spending it on a latte slash mocha interesting look you know what i realized that in saying this, people are going to get annoyed at us saying Winston Churchill. Well, it's Paul's suggestion, but let me back it up, right? Winston Churchill, great wartime leader, undoubtedly. No one's arguing about that. We kind of needed him then and he was really useful.

But here's a few things that he said, right, about... So I'm reading from an article about him here. When Mahatma Gandhi launched his campaign of peaceful resistance, Churchill said he ought to be bound hand and foot at the gates of Delhi and then trampled on by an enormous elephant with a new viceroy seated on his back. As the resistance swelled, he said, I hate Indians. They're a beastly people with a beastly religion. So a kind of thing, right? He was very good at being the prime minister in World War II.

But yeah, like there was that other side of him. The way I see it is, right, you know, when there was like the London Bridge terror attack thing, right? And there was some people who bravely stood up to the terrorists. And one of them apparently said come on you fuckers i'm millwall and then took them on oh yeah yeah so like in that situation you want that guy on your side yeah but to have a drink with on the island probably not this is really actually quite good and i like that i didn't know where you're going

but i'm there i'm right with you yeah so you know like there's different different tools for different jobs is what i'm saying come on you fuckers i'm fucking millwall yeah like when else do you want to you know and if you said that that easily in the face of a terrorist you've said it quite a lot of times right yeah and i live very near millwall so i've got to be very careful about what i say and paul goes on to say love the podcast in both iterations as always paul manfley aka stato paul oh thank you stato paul thank you again for your your sterling work compiling stats for us. It's very much appreciated. I've got one here from Jonathan S. He says, I would like to nominate a specific genre of song.

It's basically a good song which has been ruined by a horrendous cover version in an advert, generally but not exclusively on a car advert. I can't actually name any right now as I turn them off within a nanosecond of the song reaching my consciousness. Typically it's a great song full of emotion. On the car advert version it's generally being sung by a bunch of soppy mid-twenties, possibly the same smug arseholes populating the adverts themselves, filling it with a heap of faux emotion but basically an empty shell of a song sounding like the worst excesses of an also ran on the x factor

generally the said song will not immediately be recognizable there will be a moment where the drivel penetrates your conscious mind and you start wondering don't i know this song then the realization along the lines of oh my god it's the ace of spades sung by mr fucking tumble that is really good i know that exact feeling it's like it's a really breathy cover and you're just like they used to only do it once a year for the john lewis advert and now it's just like any advert can have a breathy cover of a song on it yeah and i've said this before in the podcast but it like you keep thinking this trend can't carry on it's been like 10 years it's like the whole um keep calm and carry on thing you're like is this still being used like who the fuck is still using this kind of way of doing things

it's like for a bank as well and it'll be like you're not alone yeah i'll be with you till the end of time and you're just like oh guys come on this is the rhythm of the night for McDonald's once I'm like fucking hell so bad

the only thing I think is because clients sort of go they go up to an advertising agency and they go, yeah, we really like that advert with a terrible song on it. Can we do something like that? And then the advertising agency say, have you got any money? And they go, yeah, loads. And they go, yeah, you can do something like that. And that's how ads get made.

That's exactly how it happened. Jonathan, thank you for uh sending that in i mean that was a beautifully written we couldn't really add much to that it was complete with amex platinum you can really be in the now access to resi priority notify yes 4 p.m checkout with fine hotels and resorts book through ammex Travel. We needed this. And dedicated card member entrances at select events. Let's go! Means you can focus on the present moment.

That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms apply. Learn more at AmericanExpress.com slash with Amex. Card member entrance access not limited to Amex Platinum Card. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hey, Dan. I love reading our listeners' venomous hate, but I thought at this juncture, it might be a nice place midway through the podcast to do something a little bit different. How do you feel about that?

I feel great. Let's do it. Okay, so Dan, what I always feel like we try to achieve each week, but we're not particularly good at, is throwing people back to previous podcasts that we've put out and getting them to listen. And so, without asking, voluntarily, my dad, who has actually been on the podcast, episode 50 was a dad special with my dad, John Deacon, not the bassist from Queen, but still a great man.

He voluntarily just started going through old episodes of the podcast and has put together a little bit of a nudge to the listeners to go back and listen to some previous episodes. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, I'd love to. Great, let's play it now. Hi, James. Dad here. Loving the new podcast new podcast son just like to congratulate dan on the takeover well done dan doing a great job now as you know son i'm a massive fan of the podcast having listened to

all episodes some of them more than once so i'd just like to see the listeners in the direction of some of the classics one of my favorites is ash friff who chose his own son and when you listen to that particular podcast you'll understand why it's brilliant right next up is ian dale political analyst who mentions richard madeley getting his cock out and having a wank so uh makes me chuckle every time i see him on the telly. Brilliant. Next, we've got former Home Secretary and Strictly Come Dancing contestant Jackie Smith, who, surprise, surprise, chose Boris Johnson. This is prior to him becoming the Prime Minister, but would you know it, she is a massive punk rock fan and she has seen some of the biggest bands on the planet there you go girl after my own heart there i'd love to see her doing the pogo on strictly to the sex pistols that'd be tv gold anyway there you go

son just a few little uh ideas for the listeners to uh tune into anyway catch you later cheers son bye and that was it that's perfect it's great you know what i think the thing is we all have our favorite episodes and it's nice to hear someone else's favorite episodes because every time i'm trying to think of who to direct people to i always come up with the same ones and then just go i'll just go and listen to the back catalog and don't really say anything at all so thank you john deacon yeah i think um if he's up for it maybe uh he could do some more of those i'd be very happy to have his help very much appreciated thanks dad um right i've got another one for you here okay this is great this is from nina turnbull and i appreciate you getting in touch because nina i hear you hello thought you might want to know

who a couple of my desert island dicks would be in the category of you shouldn't really not like them okay so this was a couple weeks ago people that sort of not okay to not like like i said gareth malone out of the choir well nina has gone on to say my kids she says i love them but let's face it they're dicks you hurt a hair on their heads and no doubt i'll hunt you down and kill you. But they are, nonetheless, dicks. Young teenagers, full of ridiculous ideas about the world and unwilling to listen or learn from anyone. Lacking in appreciation of how lucky they really are

living the cushy middle-class life they do and really fucking scabby. Fake tan marks, mouldy cups and bowls, sweaty socks strewn around my house. Lazy too. I've literally just taken a compass out of my washing machine because they couldn't be arsed to empty their pockets before doing the washing. And fuck me, are they rude.

In fact, they spend a lot of their time gaslighting me, I think. Oh my God, Mum, you are overreaching. What's your problem, Mum? You are so oversensitive. I never said that, Mum. You're losing it. Yes, you are overreaching. What's your problem, mum? You are so oversensitive. I never said that, mum. You're losing it. Yes, I am losing it now with you two bastards. So on a desert island moaning every day about eating coconut.

Oh my God, mum, not again. We always have coconut and sleeping on leaves. Oh my God, mum, I'm not sleeping there. It's shit. It's a big fat no fucking thanks. Oh man, wow.'s amazing that is good i feel like we were like actually you know providing a service now you know like i feel like it's good to offer someone a safe place to vent you know that's what it should be about and

like seem like you really need this event i love that it was just like oh my kids and i was like oh that's a bit you know that's a bit of a controversial one but then it just kept going i love it just kept going it's just like so much stuff that she had to get off of her chest there i love it just unrelenting i'm terrified of my son being a teenager because like he thinks i'm fucking great at the minute. I can make him laugh so much. The other day he was pissing himself at me just being a dick. And if I do the same stupid dance to him in 14 years' time, he's going to just look at me with this withering look

and then just go out and tell his friends about what a twat I am. Stood in a bus shelter drinking a can of Tisky that they've bribed some bloke to buy from a shop nearby moaning about how annoying his dad is i've got one here from uh joseph and uh last week we put out a call for uh theme tune dicks because uh we were talking about various theme tunes that got on our tits. And Joseph says, Hello, Dickmasters. I have the ultimate answer for the theme tune, Dick. It's The Archers. You're driving along,

listening to an interesting debate or some comedy, and then you're hit by this bumpkin ambush. As a result, I am now the Mr. Miyagi of radio button jabbing. All the best. That's good. Is that it? button jabbing. All the best. That's good to say. I love that. That's so good.

Joseph, concise, to the point, perfect. Well, this has been lovely so far. But Dan, do you have one to set the listeners up with for next week? Yeah, so we'll always like any submissions of any kind of dick that you want to send us you know whether it's people food drink film song animal whatever but in case you want to get involved and you need a little something to jog your imagination then i'm here's a here's a suggestion um it's a broad one and it can be in any category, really, that we talk about. So it could be a person, food, drink, song, film, animal. Oh, this is good.

Yeah. But it has to be something that lots of your friends like, but you hate. So my example here is Radiohead. So, like, I would say the majority of my friends love Radiohead. And, like, I understand why they're an important band. Like, I'm not going to say oh they're shit i just don't like them but i really really can't stand them and i think have you not have you not have you not just given them a good go this is it do you know i mean this is the thing because no

one accepts you not tried to like them and you know and i've even got one friend who used to hate them as well and now she loves them and she's oh, but you can't believe you don't like them. I'll say, you used to hate them more than I do. I think I'd probably like them if it wasn't for his voice. That's the thing that really I find. I just find it really unsettling and creepy. But I think the thing is that everyone I know who likes Radiohead, also it's like because I don't like Radiohead,

they also think I just don't like any good music. It's like there's loads of bands that you could be like, oh, I like the Beatles. Oh, I don't like Radiohead, they also think I just don't like any good music. It's like there's loads of bands that you could be like, oh, I like the Beatles. Oh, I don't like the Beatles. Okay, fair enough. But with Radiohead, it's like people who like Radiohead, if you don't like them, it's just like, well, your opinion's worth nothing.

Maybe that's just my friend. No, no, this is good. There's a real like condescension that comes with not liking it. But the thing is, it's anything. If you don't like something that all your friends like, maybe it's a song or a book or a film or whatever, it's so much worse than if you just don't like it on your own because you get this weird...

You just feel out of step with these people that you're really close to that you share so much with and you can't complain about it in front of them so it's particularly jarring so any examples of things that your friends like that you hate this is perfect i can't wait to hear it so send those in dixpod.com contact it's got the form on there send us your choices for things that your friends like that you don't like. Yeah, exactly. And also just send us your other dicks as well.

Yeah, you can be about anything. But if you want to get involved and you can't pin it down because there's too many floating around in your head, there's a little guide for you. Lovely. I love it, Dan. Dan, this has been great. I've had a lovely time. Shall we do it again next week? I'd love to. I'll be here.

I'll be here too. Good. Well, I'll join you on it again next week? I'd love to. I'll be here. I'll be here too. Well, I'll join you on the island next week then. See you then. Bye. . . . .

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