Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 6

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

Back once again with another bag of dicks ready to unleash upon the world. PLUS! Back by popular demand, James' Dad has sent in his Dick Picks. Send your choices for the island to dickspod.com/contact to get involved Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month.

New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes. See details. At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward.

Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hey, Dan. Hey. Hey, we told the listeners we'd be back, and here we are. We are only as good as our word, James. And I tell you what, in these political climes, that's something that you don't see very often, is it?

Imagine if everyone kept their word, the American election would be a lot simpler, that's for sure. We wouldn't be in this bloody mess, would we? Exactly. It's Compact Dicks, where you, the listener, get to choose your worst people and things to be stuck on an island with. People have gotten in touch in their... Droves is the thing, isn't it? Droves, yeah.

In their droves, but I don many how how many you need for a drove yeah i mean look we're we're doing a podcast on the internet i mean we could we could say whatever the fuck we want really can't we like thousands of you got in touch uh but unfortunately we only have so much time we'd love to read all of them out but uh we'll be here until the next next american president is announced if we were to do that. Topical. Let's get into it. Okay, I'm going to go first.

Okay, go, please. Jeanette Williams, hi Jeanette, has gotten in touch to say, my worst film imaginable is The Railway Children. There is a secret about why the dad is in prison. In normal families, secrets become toxic but in this film the three kids are goody two-shoes who never squabble tell lies or act out in any way the mother is a virtuous martyr who makes ends meet by writing novels all night she is never tired and never grumpy and never hits the gin. Then the children attract an old man by waving their underwear at him. The old man then gets the dad out of prison, but it is never explained why.

The film ends with a nauseously sickening scene with Jenny Agata, who must be 35 35 running along a platform gabbling like a 5 year old when she sees her dad it's set in the olden days when we know life was shit yet in the film everything is lovely there we go they just don't like how unrealistic it is

I haven't seen it but it's weird that they chose to have a dad in prison do you know what i mean like rather than because you think like for those they could have just said he was he was killed on business or away with the war or something do you know what i mean because as soon as he's in prison you're like well you've done something you know if one of your family members is in prison but the backdrop is like a sort of um totalitarian regime you're like okay he probably didn't do

anything wrong he probably just like didn't salute the flag enough and he got bundled away and disappeared but if it's just set in england you're like well he probably did something mate what's your game yeah like what the what happened there and also the strangeness of just like them meeting a random bloke and then that be that bloke being able to get him out of prison. Why? That's just mental. Alright, thanks Jeanette, that's great. Fair enough. Okay, I have one here and it's from Ryan. Ryan

says, as a gay man, there is always pressure to subscribe to certain gay stereotypes and I guess I do subscribe to some, but one I just can't do is the Spice Girls, in particular Geri Halliwell. Not only is she so gauche and sickly insincere constantly seeking fame by usually copying other stars for example writing children's books after Madonna did it but I can't handle all these Spice

boys who adore her when it was her who ruined the Spice Girls. She left, pursued her own solo career and the Spice Girls called it a day soon after. And now it's her who every other year tries to encourage a reunion tour. She really is that person. How utterly selfish and self-indulgent can one person be? Destroy something, then try and create glory for yourself by being

the one to recreate it. And all the Spice Boys are up her arse. No. Fuck off, Jerry. Wow! the one to recreate it and all the spice boys are up her ass no fuck off jerry that is really good that is such it's like the reasoning is so solid yeah yeah isn't it i like that he sort of says he can't really get on board but with the spice girls but then there's also really angry about her sort of breaking it up as well i think there's like more to this that isn't in that story maybe but uh yeah that is i never noticed that i'd never i never put two and two together so she broke up the spice girls and she is the figurehead for putting them back together on a yearly basis yeah i don't know i mean i i can't stand the

spice girls so i find it i never really i don't really know what's going on with all of them but um what i find interesting about jerry is that she's married to christian horner who is the head of the uh red bull formula one race team and i think he left his wife and a very young baby to be with jerry so you're like that's i mean that doesn't paint him well anyway the point is look i think she seems just like a proper pain in the arse yeah okay i think justify choice right yeah absolutely dan i've got really interesting one here that sent in from jess just jess this is the second time this has happened in only six episodes of compact dicks but this person has picked danny mingus danny mingus is a tv scottish

tv presenter who has previously been on desert island dicks yeah and jess goes on to say i loved her episode of the podcast and i agreed with so many of her choices i 100 have misophobia that's the thing where you um you can't stand the sound of other people eating and stuff like that isn't it like mouth noises yes it gives you yeah it makes you it's a yeah it's a proper phobia um she goes on to say thanks for giving it a name the pure anger i feel is somewhat justified now i'm also a vegetarian and i fucking hate that jet two song i was halfway through the episode and i'd googled her followed her instagram and came to the conclusion that she was my cup of tea great and then the food and drink choices why danny why cheese and white wine are two of the best things in the world

how dare you put them on the island now i get why she put cheese on the island because she is an addict which i completely relate to unlike her i cannot control my addiction nothing would annoy me more than her telling me how unhealthy it is and then stopping me from eating and drinking all of our supplies in the first hour watching her have one slice of cheese half a glass of white wine and then go for a run would make me feel physically sick fuck off danny mate we're all gonna die anyway so yeah she's a dick because i think we could have been besties on the island but i'd rather be passed out in a cheese and white wine coma than be lectured by than be lectured hun i will admit

this choice is rather petty and 90 because i'm jealous that she's able to restrain herself from buying cheese p.s love the podcast it gives me so much joy that there are so many other miserable fuckers out there like me yeah well you know it's a it's a fair thing i mean the good thing is if she's stuck on the island with danny they're gonna disagree with the wine and cheese thing but essentially they do both love cheese i can't remember did danny not like wine i can't remember she didn't like white wine i think yeah okay so that's all right she just does that i mean at least like they do she does like the cheese so i'm not going to argue about that. It's just saying I love it so much

I can't have it anywhere near me or I'll only eat it. But you know. Yeah. These are the risks we run. Most weeks someone picks something that I actually quite enjoy. So you know.

Nature of the beast. It is a challenge. Yeah it up jess um i mean um before we get into another one damn um because it was so successful last week my dad has sent us another um few recommendations for the podcast what do you think about that i think that i would love to hear them yeah okay well here he is this is my dad john deacon um with a few suggestions hi james and dan well here we go again lads yet another lockdown at least the listeners can brighten up their days by listening to some classic dicks right first up i recommend the brilliant miles chapman and marco sullivan writers producers and stars of the very funny channel 4 comedy series lee and dean among their choices of yoko honu and a bloke down the pub very funny they also chose in my opinion

one of the best food choices, which was a musco meal. And if anybody can come up with a term, an annoying smorgasbord of nonsense, in my opinion, it's well worth a listen. That's a great episode, by the way. Next up, we have the author of the Curious History of Dating, and that is Nick Nikki Hodgson,

who's written some books on sexual themes. She chose self-help guru Anthony Robbins, who sells videos, books, and holds seminars on how to become rich and successful. Just like him. Well, I personally suggest not spending a fortune on that shit to start with. She also chose the anti-feminist Mike Buchanan,

who she ripped to bits on Sky News. And in fact, that segment on Sky News went viral when she actually mentioned the fact that she was a dominatrix. So anyway, that's just a brilliant episode just a couple of suggestions there um i hope the listeners enjoy them so uh catch you later son cheers bye and weren't those great they were great and you know what it's really nice hearing them because i always forget about like i've listened to every episode but i

still sort of forget about some of them so it's nice that he's digging in the back catalogue there and pulling out some gems for other people to remind other people actually the hawk-eared eagle-eared of you may have noticed a few mistakes in there I'm almost certain that you didn't

but just in case you did, he did send me a few amendments alright son I don't know if you could edit this in, but Miles Chapman's and DeMarco Sullivan's, it was a bloke down the market. So it's a bloke down the market, not a bloke down the pub. And my Yoko Ono didn't sound very good, so Yoko Ono. And those are the amendments.

I'm sure that's what he meant i'm sure that's what he meant for me to do with them um and i hope that i hope that's all right dad but like he said before that that you know there are some great episodes so go back and and dive into the back catalogue and and although i'd love you to you don't have to listen in order you can just go back and pick anyone at random and they're completely standalone yeah exactly there's nothing that means you have to relate to anything else you just pick one out pick a dick and and shove it in your face thank you papa john this episode is brought to you by honda When you test drive the new Prologue EV, there's a lot that could impress you about it.

There's the class-leading passenger space, the clean, thoughtful design, and the intuitive technology. But out of everything, what you'll really love most is that it's a Honda. Visit Honda.com slash EV to see offers. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You might say all kinds of stuff when things go wrong, but these are the words you really need to remember. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. They've got options to fit your unique insurance needs,

meaning you can talk to your agent to choose the coverage you need, have coverage options to protect the things you value most, file a claim right on the State Farm mobile app, and even reach a real person when you need to talk to someone. Right, I've got one here from Hannah, and this is in response to something I put out last week, because I wanted dicks that all your friends love but you hate. So all my friends seem to love Radiohead and Radiohead make me feel awful and sad and make me just feel like a husk of a person

if I listen to them. So I pitch for things that all your mates love but you hate. And Hannah says, Hi guys, something that all my friends are really into is bouldering slash rock climbing and I'm really not into it. My friends nag me to come along really into is bouldering slash rock climbing, and I'm really not into it. My friends nag me to come along to the local bouldering wall, and when I give in, I have to pay £10 to go

just so that I can watch them doing difficult routes. Meanwhile, I struggle to do the easy stuff and just get tired within 20 minutes. It's just an expensive way to get blisters and feel bad about yourself while your friends are busy showing off. Rock climbers could be useful on an island climbing trees and cliffs to find food but knowing my friends they'd just be peak dick about it they'd go looking for food and get distracted by a boulder and then ask everyone to come over and watch them pointlessly climb the boulder nice one now you've wasted your

strength climbing a rock instead of doing anything useful. So I'm putting overly keen rock climbers on the island because they're a unique breed of dick. That is fucking good stuff. That is really good, isn't it? That is niche, but really, really good. I love that it got on your wick so much that you felt like sending that in. I'll tell you something, right. So I've gone bouldering before, right. And I quite like, I was always someone as a kid, you know,

I like climbing up shit and climbing like trees and stuff. So I thought, oh, bouldering, this will be fun. This is like a thing I can just get into as a grown up. What I don't like about it, it really, it's an environment that really encourages men to take their tops off. Yes, it is. Right. They'll be like, most men don't have their tops on now most

of the men who are doing it are quite not necessarily like well built in a gym sense but like toned and fit in great shape yeah yeah yeah in very good shape and i'm like look obviously we're all more comfortable without our top off if we're without our top on if we're doing exercise but this is not the fucking point you're in public put your top on like and're doing exercise. But that's not the fucking point. You're in public. Put your top on. And, you know, it's like there's girls around. They might not be comfortable wearing all their sportswear, but obviously they've got to wear their clothes. So put your clothes on.

Now, there might also be women out there going, I go bouldering, and that's one of the things I really like about it is seeing all the men with their tops off. So, you know. But I just think, like like you're in public put your fucking top on and and so just as it is like a scene that encourages that i'm out okay i'm with you thanks dan you're welcome and thank you hannah for sending that in yeah and i like let me encourage

you now to send your choices in to dickspod.com slash contact. Do go on there and send us your dick choices. Dan, I have a choice that I would like to put on the island. And it's not even specifically a call out to the listeners, but something that I've noticed recently. So I took the tube yesterday. And what I noticed was there's a lot of people that still aren't wearing masks. And I just thought, like, I'd like to put all of those people on the island unless you've got a genuine reason for not wearing a mask i know that some people have respiratory reasons that they can't wear

masks but there were so many people that i can't imagine all of them had a good reason and i just think at this stage right we're in a fucking pandemic. Everyone needs to do their bit. And so this is a call out to everyone. It's a public service announcement. Wear a fucking mask. And I would add to that, like, if you're wearing a mask, it has to cover all the breathing holes, not just your mouth,

you fucking idiots. I know. Do you know how breathing works? You know how you can still breathe when your mouth you fucking idiots like i know do you know do you know how breathing works you know like you can still breathe when your mouth is closed you know how the body does that put it over your nose you dick i know i know it's so easy it's like you've gone to all that you're like you're basically there like you like you've gone to the shop you've bought a mask you've hooked it over your ears and your mouth come Come on, just go the last 10%. Put it over your nose, I know.

You're like, the finish line is in sight. It's like, come on. Yeah. The point being, put your fucking masks on, guys. We need to get out of this together. Yeah, because I'm bored now. Yeah, I'm sick of this shit. And I want to see Dan in real life i want us

to record a podcast where we can breathe on each other's faces yeah like just that not even doing desert island dicks just like just a really weird fetish podcast of us like breathing on each other because that was what was going to happen this year but you know just plans changed if you guys don't wear your mask you're never going to get mine and Dan's niche face-breathing fetish podcast. If that's not an incentive, I don't know what is. I know, I know. It would be nice to do some live shows, though. I mean, of this, not just the face-breathing one.

I'd love to do some more live shows. We did a live show with Tom Allen last year. We did one at the Comedy Festival in Fersk. And they were fucking brilliant and i would love to do those again um yeah we also i mean i can't even say who this is but we've been offered someone potentially massive for a live show in uh next october i mean like if if if we can sort this pandemic out in time we we promise you an insane guest. Like, please send in your guesses,

because I'd love to read them, but it is fucking excellent. It's massive. Yeah. Okay, so, listen, before we go, we need to put a little pitch out, because we welcome all submissions. If you want to just submit a person, a food, a drink, a song, a film, an animal, that's all fine. submissions if you want to just submit a person a food a drink a song a film an animal that's all fine but if you want to get involved but you need

a little um a little jog a little help along to think of something um we're going to carry on with that theme of just like covid dicks yeah some people call them covid idiots we're going to call them covid dick but not just like people who don't wear a mask just stuff that you know you might have been working at home now for like eight months as lots of us have and just stuff that's kind of starting to get on your nerves like maybe it's a neighbor maybe it's like a thing that happens maybe it's yourself or just something that you find yourself doing or maybe it's an online yoga instructor that you've turned to in your time of need you know like anything like that so we're just going to keep it broad but you know let's um as seeing as we've

just gone back into lockdown we might as well rake it up again yeah that's it covid dicks um dan this has been a lot of fun it's been a lot of fun james as always great all right well i'll see you later then. Okay, bye. Bye.