Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 7

Episode Date: November 13, 2020

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. the thing about being locked down on an island full of dicks james is that uh it's pretty unpleasant i mean i see the news from back home and i see all these people talking about how they're locked down at home and stuff but i mean we're on an island literally packed to the rafters with dicks that's the problem yeah it is annoying they're like i'll lock down this can't go to the pub there's not a pub on the fucking island guys no all we've got are the worst drinks chosen by other people and ourselves

um so you know what's quite good about that is sometimes people have chosen my favorite drinks as their least favorite drinks so at least i have that to cling on to there's a lot of beer on there which i don't mind at all so oh i'll drink it warm i'll drink it cold yeah any which way anyway look that little preamble was just to preface the fact that this is compact dicks it's the companion podcast to desert island dicks the show where people choose the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with and this is where we hand over control to you the listener so that you can tell us what you think is shit and you would hate to be stuck

on an island with yes that is exactly it dan i love it i love reading what people send in because like every time we get a new message i open it we've just like it's so exciting it's like it's like a dick christmas for me every week yeah i get to open these emails of people just like slamming things left right and center and i just love what what gets sent in i feel like there will be people out there who who are begging for me to say dicksmas because you said this is good before we move on i had to get that in there um but yeah you know this is just a chance for you to get stuff off off your off your skin off your skin no it's not a phrase get stuff off your chest off your dick get stuff off your dick uh and god knows we all need a bit of that right now, don't we?

So, shall we just crack right on? Okay, this one comes in from Graham, Dan. And Graham says, Here are my nominations for some major dicks, for alternative reasons. Firstly, Bob Ross. One of the loveliest people who have ever lived. But when I watch him produce a masterpiece in less than 30 minutes,

it makes me feel so utterly untalented. I bought all the painting stuff and still can't get anywhere near his level of ability. Having him on the island would be annoying, as he'd be cleaning his brushes on all of the trees and making a real mess. Yeah, so Bob Ross, he's the sort of big-haired painting guy. He's got a sort of afro and he's very calm and he teaches you how to paint. Yes, that's the guy.

And he's bloody good at painting. If you look at any of those, and he turns that shit around in 30 minutes, I mean, there's probably some editing involved, but it's not going to do your confidence a world of good. Yeah, there's definitely a point as I've got older where just watching or being in contact with talented people just makes me sad. I know what you mean.

I just think, why? Why you and not me? Okay, and he goes on to say, Richard Brown. He was an arsehole who bullied me senseless throughout my school years. That's justified. Fuck you, Richard Brown. Oh, yeah.

Fuck you, Richard Brown. Yeah. Definitely. Fuck you. And then I'll rattle through the rest. Here we go. I don't know why, actually. I'm just going to read them.

I'm not going to rattle through anything. You can wait for me, life. Music choice. Dancing in the Moonlight top loader oh yes good choice god it says played to absolute death hate it hate it hate it it's like it's like being murdered by blandness yeah absolutely once right i got a job doing 12 hour shifts in this trucking company warehouse. And it was down the motorway from where I lived. And I had to get up at like half four in the morning, drive about an hour down the motorway, start at six, finish at six and drive an hour back home. And it was like such a boring, shitty job.

And they listened to really bad commercial radio at the time. And it was when Dancing in the moonlight was on heavy rotation and there was also an advert played on the radio at the same time with a guy doing a bad version of dancing in the moonlight so it's like you had double that song whilst doing 12 hour shifts in this bleak fucking warehouse on the motorway so that song i fucking hate that song i just love that he sums it up perfectly it's like being murdered by blandness you know like just having your head pushed into a big marshmallow and you're like it's sweet but i can't breathe yeah that's it that's the out i don't need to say any more about it right dan have you got one i've got one here i've got this is from dan but not me i mean it's a popular name obviously he says hi

james and dan really enjoying the compact dicks format in addition to the brilliant podcast i've discovered a load of great comedians that way also thanks for a chance to rant you're very very welcome oh thanks dan he says uh so last week we talked about covid dicks and people not wearing comedians that way. Also, thanks for a chance to rant. You're very, very welcome. Oh, thanks, Dan. He says, so last week we talked about COVID dicks and people not wearing masks and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. And he says, on the subject of COVID dicks, I'd put Boris Johnson on the island. Probably a popular choice

for making a complete balls-up of everything, and I hold him responsible for the amount and volume of selfish twats that don't follow the rules, resulting in another lockdown. Him and his cadre of arseholes stirred up so much hatred and bile along with a distrust in experts that led to the anti-maskers fair point i think uh delaying the start of lockdown caused a lot of unnecessary deaths as well as prolonging the lockdown then delaying the second one is probably going to be much more harmful to the economy than it needed to be then the clincher is not punishing dominic should have gone to spec savers cummings

what has he got on johnson so your average covid dick says well if they don't follow the rules why should i i know he's not alone in all this but i reckon he's the figurehead dick for all the wankers that have conspired to fuck things up for the rest of us and he says i feel a lot better after getting that out. Well, you're welcome, Dan. Well, that's great, Dan. That is some rock solid stuff. I think that's prime.

That's a prime COVID dick. Maybe the main culprit. Yeah. I mean, as he says, the figurehead. Yeah. I mean, you put it pretty beautifully there. I don't really know what to add to that. I mean, I agree. Basically beautifully there. I don't really know what to add to that. I mean, I agree.

Basically, yeah, fantastic work, Dan. Actually, from one Dan to another, that's you, Dan, I'd like to take this juncture in the podcast to throw to our now regular contributor, who is my dad, who is going to suggest for the listeners, also similarly in a political vein um some previous podcasts that you should go and check out should i do that now do that now hi james hi dan well week one of the lockdown is finally over but at least there were some rays of sunshine. Pfizer have come up with a possible vaccine for the pandemic.

Donald Trump's been booted out of the White House. Brilliant. And we can all cheer ourselves up by listening to some classic dicks. Checking out with the stats guy, Paul, Trump, funnily enough, was only chosen a couple of times, but he was mentioned on many occasions usually with the line, I don't want to pick the obvious but I particularly like Dom Jolly's episode

it was only a couple of weeks ago but it's well worth a re-listen brilliant episode, very funny indeed now another pantomime villain joint leader at the top of the dicks list is Piers Morgan, no less. He was chosen by former government mental health czar for children, Natasha Devon, MBE. She gave a brilliant insight into how the likes of media people like Morgan can turn something you said, take it out of context and literally get everybody to hate you

to the point of getting the death threats, which is what she got. It's a very interesting episode. Just a couple of suggestions there. Yeah, Dom Jolly's episode, brilliant. And Natasha Devon, MBE's episode. So I hope you enjoy. Speak to you later.

Bye. And there you later. Bye. And there you go. Cool. Nice. What do you think about that? I think I've met your dad a couple of times, but I feel like I'm going to know him even better by doing this. And you know what?

He shares his name with the bass player from Queen, who has always been my least favourite member of Queen. So I'm glad that there's a really good John Deacon out there and I'm talking about your dad being the good version it's nice yes that's great he'll love that so now every time I see the name John Deacon I think yes instead of God the one who stands at the back with his base way too high up and his tiny short shorts with his legs really close together anyway but thank you very much for that john great uh dan i've got another one here shall i read it throw it at me this one comes from twitter this time and you know we've set up the um the inbox it's dixpod.com slash

contact where you can get in touch with us and send your choices for desert island dicks but hey if you want to get in touch with us via Twitter as well, you can go to atdickspod on Twitter. Follow us there. We tweet about the podcasts that we have coming out maybe once a week. And you can also just get in touch with us there. I'm not offended. I want to hear your dicks, however they get to us,

be it email, Twitter, career pigeon. So Damien St. John on Twitter says he is going to choose a Peloton instructor, the ones who shout, let's go Peloton, and Dave in Cardiff, pick up the pace. There's no room in my life for that level of motivation. I think this is extremely niche but i love that about it i think you know that has obviously affected damien so much that he's

felt like he needs to send that in and this is the prime place to put it damien yeah because it's those sort of like very expensive exercise bikes with a big sort of ipad on the front isn't it and you sign up and people tell you how fast to ride your bike oh yeah yeah i think they cost like 1500 pound it's low yeah yeah and i just feel like you'd be so locked into that wouldn't you like that's all you have to do then it's like i've spent 1500 quid on an exercise bike so i can't even then like take it outside or do anything with it man and then and then there's just some fuckers shouting at me telling me i'm singling me out in front of all the other twats that have bought these things do you know what as an alternative as an alternative dan

i'm going to offer out a new service i'm going to buy myself a cheap exercise bike off of gumtree and for let's say 20 quid a week I will drive around your house set the exercise bike up in your front garden covid safe social distance and just shout at you for half an hour yeah that'd be fun get in touch with us via twitter and I'm in I'll do it good you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com um i've got one here this is from um reese and he's just put very succinctly

he's put seagulls russell brand political twitter just that just that that's it just that just that i love it i love the succinct nature of it i mean delving deeper seagulls are just nasty bastards man they're like i mean i've lived by the seaside and they're just they're like you know there's no other kind of animal that is that aggressive you know to humans i mean obviously things like lions and stuff you know but like in an urban environment stuff like foxes they don't come up to you and like steal food out of your hands but seagulls do they feel they feel like they just can do that i don't know yeah they're vile vile animals they are mean um russell brand yeah i always sort of go hot and

cold with him basically my my default uh stance is yeah he's a dick i think i can never make my mind up i think he's quite weird i remember once he came in for an interview at the place that I work and he was having an interview and he was doing all right. And I was in a sort of separate room with all his lackeys. And every time he made a point, all his lackeys were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like even though he was behind soundproof glass and there's no way he could hear them, but they're all like nodding along going, yeah, absolutely. Yes.

Wow. So maybe they're all nodding along going, yeah, absolutely, yes. Wow. So maybe they're part of the problem as well. They're just so conditioned that whether he's there or not, they just agree with him just in case he can hear. Yeah, he can go on. Great. Yeah, and political Twitter, which, yeah, I absolutely agree with as well. Political Twitter is the reason why I've uninstalled

and reinstalled Twitter so many times. Yeah, that's why you can't find me on Twitter anymore. I realise the thing is you kind of go, I'm going to follow some people who I agree with, and then basically all you're doing is watching them retweet stuff that you hate and then going, ha-ha, look at this twat making you angry by being a twat. And you're like, this isn't helping me.

I know, yeah. Awful. Anyway, on that note, go and follow us on Twitter, and DixPod, if you're still using it. Oh, Dan, I don't know how we've gotten there already, but this is it. We've done the podcast. We've done. Wow. This is really great stuff. Getting our hate laser focused these days.

There's no time to fuck around no we don't fuck about with dicks dan um do you have um something to set the listeners up with for uh niche dicks for next week yes i do so as we always say you know you can send us any of your choices for things or people that annoy you so you know you know, send us in whatever you like. But if you want to get involved and you need a little bit of assistance just to sort of jog your, you know, just give you a little kick up the arse, then next week I'm looking for animal dicks. And in particular, animal dicks that are, how do I describe this? Like animals off telly.

Right? Oh yeah, okay. All the cast of Peppa Pig. Nice. I'm into this. Well, so my son doesn't watch it that much but he's been watching it a bit this week and what really annoys me about it is

you know sometimes you'll just find a flaw in the logic of a programme and it will just gnaw away at you forever so all of the characters in pepper pig are animals right so they're like normal animals but they're friends and they interact between the species it doesn't matter they're just like pig the pig's friends with a i don't know sheep or whatever that's all fine and they all talk and they live in houses and drive cars right and we've suspended our belief our disbelief so that we can enjoy this cartoon but then they have things like where they go they're all in school and they go today we've got a vet coming in who knows what a vet is and

the answer if it's a classroom of animals should be uh it's a doctor because they're all animals right yes but they go he's someone that looks after your pets, miss. And you're like, what? So what? You've got pets. And then a vet that is an animal comes in with another animal, but this animal can't talk. And he's like, yes, I look after your animals, children.

And you're like, what the fuck? And then the other day they went to the zoo, and there's a zookeeper looking after penguins. You're like, what sort of animal farm kind of thing is this? Where like some of you are animals that can walk along on your hind legs and live in houses and some of you are actual animals. What the fuck is going on with this?

And why hasn't anyone closed this gaping loophole? That is mad. I've never thought about that. It annoys me so much. Otherwise, I really mind pepper pig that much it's just this brilliant i love that that's dan i've never thought about that oh well i'm sorry to add another thing that annoys you about pepper pig but yeah so next week i'd like any examples of um animal dicks off the telly this is great i love to see it send them into dixpod.com contact dan can i just finish this episode by congratulating you on a very nice episode of desert island dicks that went out this week with josh jones oh thank you very much yeah

it was so it was so it was so good it was really really funny and i loved it i would urge everyone to go and look up his stand-up because he's fucking funny. And, yeah, well worth checking out. Oh, yeah. I mean, Josh Jones and recently as well, Jordan Brooks, that one was, like, exceptional. And his stand-up, oh, my God, there's not enough of it on the internet.

One night I got home and was just in a youtube hole just trying to find as much as i could and i i literally watched everything that was available it was so good and then i just couldn't find any more someone give that man a netflix special that is the shit we need yeah i'm definitely he's definitely very high up on my list of things i want to go and see when uh when this madness is all over oh um right uh on that note dan um i'm gonna love you and leave you yeah well it's been a pleasure thank you everyone for sending in your stuff and uh we'll be back with more desert island dicks on monday bye bye bye Bye.