Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 8

Episode Date: November 20, 2020

You have sent us your dicks and James and Dan put those dicks in their eyes, they then push those dicks out of their mouths all so you can have those dicks in your ears! It's like poetry. Also John Deacon is BACK to share with us some 'Classic Dicks'. Want to be on the podcast? Submit your choices for the island at: dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Forget the frustration of picking commerce platforms when you switch your business to Shopify, the global commerce platform that supercharges your selling wherever you sell. With Shopify, you'll harness the same intuitive features, trusted apps, and powerful analytics used by the world's leading brands.

Sign up today for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash tech, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash tech. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices.

Sierra, let's get moving. hey dan hey james how are you i'm fine how are you i'm okay. I'm really, really happy to see you. I'm happy to see you too, James. It's a weary making time at the moment, isn't it? It is, yeah, definitely. And I feel like we may not say that to each other normally if we were to speak or to say, but now we have this opportunity in the public forum, I feel like it's really nice to be speaking with you. Oh, it's nice to be speaking to you too, man.

I feel like the mood of the nation is such that there's just a weariness, isn't there, about the whole nation at the minute. I feel generally fine, but sometimes I'll go to the supermarket and I think, what if I just kept driving? Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you feel like. When we first joined the Zoom call, you said to me, how are you doing? What have you been up to? And I was like, Dan, like literally nothing has happened

since the last time that we did this. Yeah. It was really challenging to come up with something interesting to tell you about. But hey, here we are. Yeah. That's life, isn't it? But hey, look, the point is we are here and we're here for compact dicks

to share your choice of awful people and things with the world you know because that's what we do this is the compact dicks it's the spin-off episode the little brother of the of desert island dicks yeah and it's the podcast for you if you you're listening to this, this is for you. And we need you to get in touch with your choices for Compact Dicks. So this is your choices for things that you wouldn't like to be stuck with on a desert island, as is the premise of the podcast. And you send them to dickspod.com slash contact. It's also a chance for us to sort of get a little bit more off our chest because you don't host the podcast anymore.

I do host it, but I'm usually just sort of agreeing with agreeing with guests you know and sort of not putting my own things in there and you know and it builds up and uh you know much like a therapist also needs a therapist you know they're not completely sorted are they they need someone to rant at too dan let me be be your therapy oh yeah okay great well like should i go first yeah go for it yeah okay great i've had this email and it's from michael thank you michael for getting in touch and michael comes in and says two dicks for me please dick one people who when at the cashier act surprised when the next step is to pay we are all queuing behind this dick and probably they are acting like it's the first time that they've ever been shopping by not bagging items successfully or thinking that they could carry a whole shopping trolley

full of food rather than having to purchase bags so they have come back to the queue to get them then when the cashier says the total price they fuck around looking for various payment methods including fucking luncheon vouchers or some shit for about five minutes fair enough i've been there i've been that person stood behind that person in the supermarket i'm like mate you've done this before you know what happens next yeah i mean part of me envies the sort of uh lack of awareness of these people because I hate bagging up stuff at the supermarket. It makes me feel really tense, that whole scramble, you know,

when they're just like pinging it through really fast. And you're like, oh, no, I can't put the eggs on the bottom. Oh, God. And I'm like, you know, you've got three bags up on the counter bit of it by the conveyor belt, and the conveyor belt's kind of making it all wrinkle it up and it's pushing everything down and so i mean i'd quite like to have that absolute lack of awareness that some people do yeah um i don't and because i don't i think these people are fucking menaces dan have you ever been to aldi or lidl to do your shopping i have yeah they have, that is insane.

They're launching it at you, but also there's nowhere for it to go. That shit is fucking crazy. Yeah. And Michael goes on to say, dick too. People who search for Google when using the internet. Time-wasting, mouth-breathing dicks.

The address bar is the search, you prat. Thanks very much. I feel better. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. like googling i like to google another search engine like googling ask jeeves or something like that yeah that's good google bing yeah once uh i went to watch it was uh like in a pub someone said oh come and watch this band playing and it was like this sort of like quite out there jazz band and there and watch this band playing and it was like this sort of like quite out there jazz band and there was about 10 of them and they're all good musicians but it wasn't really for me and at the end of it and they're all like really sort of hipster

middle class white people playing like covers of some really niche jazz and at the end of it the guy was like okay guys uh so like we don't have like a website yet but you know if you just want to like keep checking like he's like you know just have a little search on bing or something like that you're like okay firstly like there's already a term the search engine is the term you google it and like you're a covers band of some niche jazz artists i'm not gonna like keep checking back on bing just to see if you finally got a website so i can listen to you doing covers of someone that's already made the music and bing like are you doing it on purpose to show like how out out of you know like oh i'm so left field i'm not

gonna say google it i'm gonna say just look us up on bing fuck off mad like whoever at bing didn't make it part of their marketing strategy for people to say, oh, just Bing it. We should Bing it. They fucked up massively because I'm sure they were around before Google. I don't know. Don't just search it, Bing it.

It's there for you. You should get a job doing voiceovers. I'd love to. Dan, I know it seems early, but i feel like it's that point in the podcast where we should check in with my dad how do you feel about that i'd love to check in with big john yeah he's become a staple as big john i don't know if anyone's ever called him big john i feel like that was it was that a step too far i don't like you know maybe just he will feel warmly towards you because of that statement.

OK, yeah, yeah. Well, let's go with it for this episode. We'll test it out. Let's see what he's got to say. Hi, James. Hi, Dan. Well, some great news. We're already halfway there with the lockdown

and we've got some great classic dicks to cheer us up. Last week, you had an email from listener Graham who was relentlessly bullied by Richard Brown. Well fuck you Richard Brown and that goes for all you bullies. Now my first choice this week is Radio 1 DJ and co-host on the Ricky Melvin and Charlie show Melvin O'Doom. One of Melvin's choices was his school bully and he went on to talk about how he overcame that and how he helped his cousin who was also being bullied at school he's a really nice guy and a great episode my next choice is another Radio 1 DJ and I'm a celebrity get me out of here contestant Jordan North now his episode was with William Hanson,

his co-host on his podcast, Help, I Sexted My Boss. Now, Jordan's choice of animal was a snake, which he is petrified of and, ironically, got put in a box with on I'm a Celeb. So it's well worth a listen. So this week's choices are Melvin O'Doom and Help, I Sexted My Boss, which features Jordan North.

So hope you enjoy. Cheers. Bye. And there he was. I concur, Dad. Bullies out. Fuck the bullies. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, you know, yeah, fuck them. There's nothing else to say but you put it beautifully there some rock solid choices for episodes as well do you know what it's great because i have listened to every one but he manages to dig up ones i've forgotten about and um yeah they're good choices john melvin is a lovely guy and it is a particularly good episode do you know what i really love about melvin's episode as well is that the way that he flips the format on its head when i was hosting the podcast it was by far the most positive i i ever felt after recording one of these i was just like how how the fuck do

you manage to make this uplifting i don't know but it's very good he's a talented broadcaster that's what you get. Indeed. Gift the remarkable with Marc Jacobs fragrances this holiday season. From the iconic Daisy and Perfect to the all-new Daisy Wild, Marc Jacobs perfume gift sets include everything she needs to feel special. From her favorite fragrance, plus the matching travel spray, holiday gifts don't get much more perfect than this. So if you're looking for a gift inspiration these holidays, gift the remarkable with Marc Jacobs. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with

podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. James, I have got a email from Joseph here. Oh, hi, Joseph.

And he says, Hello, dickos. I hope you don't mind repeat messages too much, but I enjoy viewing Dan's categories as a sort of a challenge. I couldn't separate these two fictional animal dicks, so here's both. So this is because last week I

asked for, it was like an animal themed dick, it was fictional animal dicks, because I get annoyed watching Peppa Pig. Well, you could just end the sentence there, but there's an extra reason i get annoyed watching pepper pig well you could just end the sentence there but there's an extra reason i get annoyed for watching pepper pig and it's because they're all animals but then they'll go to the zoo and look at other animals or they'll talk to a vet and have pets and it just it's like this whole weird meta thing going on it just pisses me off so i asked for sort of fictional animal dicks uh he said he

couldn't separate these two fictional animal dicks so here's both one garfield he acts like a dick in every strip that's the joke i guess but we also get random crap like the fact he hates mondays and loves lasagna it's absurdism by someone with no imagination his eyelids look stupid and in no way does he deserve all the fame. How the hell did he get a feature film? Fair point. I think when I was growing up in the 80s, he was fucking everywhere. It really felt...

I mean, you were a few years younger than me. It felt like he was huge back then and like everyone had Garfield shit and I never quite understood why. Number two, Orville. He is just revolting. The colour of this creep, the nappy he wore for decades, his sickening voice. He milked the same song for his entire career. Just say I can't in your head and you'll agree. He is a grotesquely infantilised radioactive green dick. For me, these two really embody the low effort approach to creativity

and entertainment in the 70s and 80s and i hate them dickish regards joseph dickish regards as well orville was a is a great choice as a kid used to creep me out no end i just didn't understand it was like a baby but then also a bird but what fucking type of bird just i remember seeing it on tv as a kid and thinking what the fuck now absurdist that is absurdist yeah like everyone's heard of him i don't know anyone who enjoys it or ever has that's true yeah i mean i just kept going thinking like i will put orville on this entertainment program everyone likes orville right and everyone oh god am i the only one who doesn't i better not That's true, yeah. Do you know what I mean? They just kept going thinking like, oh, we'll put Orville on this entertainment programme. Everyone likes Orville, right?

And everyone went, oh God, am I the only one who doesn't? I better not say anything. But everyone thought that. Yeah, agreed. So that was from Joseph in response to a call I put out last week for dicks. Because as we always say, we'd love to hear any dicks you've got, whether it's a person, a food, a drink, a film, a song, an animal, you know, just whatever pisses you off this week.

But if you want to get involved and you need a little theme to kind of, like, stoke your imagination, I thought it would be a food one this week. Oh, yeah, go on. I want to put a food one in. I'm not going to tell you how long ago these came back into my house because you'll realise that they've been in the fridge for that long and i should have cleared them out but um you see these things in my hand oh yeah what the hell is that what does it look like i'm holding

like a little tiny tiny watermelon yeah this thing is called a cucamelon right nice my wife went out the other day and in our local park, they have like a little market at the weekend. Right. And she said, I've bought some fresh fruit and veg and try this. It's called a cucamelon. It's a cross between a melon and a cucumber. And I went, right. So I ate one.

They're about, for those of you listening, they're about, they look like a sort of big jelly bean or a small grape and like imagine a watermelon the size of a small grape or a big jelly bean it's the cross between a cucumber and a melon it's a fucking hybrid that no one asked for it's like imagine like a really hard skin of a melon but with a cucumber inside but more bitter oh no this sounds awful yeah it's fucking shit right and apparently the guy went they're really nice in gin and tonic i was like yeah but so is like a slice of cucumber or like lemon or something no one needed no one's like oh my god if only there was like a weird hybrid vegetable fruit mashup that i could put in my gin so i could finally have a refreshing alcoholic beverage look they don't taste nice it's great in gin and tonic mate because you can't fucking taste it in there that's why exactly yeah like and maybe

you'll be drunk enough to give it a go these things are shit they're like if you listen to the beardy man episode and we talked about the fasalis berry they're the equivalent of that thing that looks very nice but tastes shit no one wanted and like has no purpose this guy who sold them to my wife is obviously a bit odd as well because then my wife bought some pak choy my wife is asian and he explained what a pak choy was to her and she was like mate my people know what these fucking things are so so clearly he's just some like just on a mad one with his weird fruit and veg stool just doesn't know what's going on or how to read the room and if you read the room the room saying get this shit out of my drink yeah a cucamelon sounds cute looks cute tastes

disgusting new for 2020 it can't have existed new for 2020 something that sounds cute looks cute and tastes like shit yeah prime 2020 stuff hey these people have been stuck indoors for months they'll buy any old shit tastes great in gin and tonics because he just knows everyone's hitting the booze hard at the minute um okay dan so off the back of that then we're asking people as just an open letter to food dicks we just want your least favorite foods and why yeah or just you know just something that's kind of you know being billed as something special but stuff where you think people are just trying to pull the wool over your eyes you know like try one of these it's amazing it's this new thing so this is bullshit

yeah yeah this is good okay and part of the reason i thought of uh food dicks for this week is because on monday you're the first to know this uh compact dicks listeners because you're the hardcore listeners uh on monday i'm going to be joined by jay rayner so food critic from the observer uh he pops up on master chef a lot restaurant critic and uh i've got to tell you uh i recorded it today with him and it's a really good one he's very funny and he absolutely doesn't hold back, which won't surprise you if you've seen him on telly, but he really, really doesn't hold back.

Dan, I can't wait to hear it. I'm really looking forward to it. Yeah, it was good. It was good. So he's coming up on Monday, so that's the inspiration for these food dicks. You can get in touch with your choices or any other choices, dickspod.com slash contact. That's it. Get in get in touch dan this has been a pleasure it's always a pleasure with you james i feel better about my life oh and that's all you

can ask for these days i know i feel better too i'm glad i didn't keep driving i'm also glad you didn't keep driving always drive back dan always drive back but if you do keep driving drive to my house oh thanks man thank you okay um dan uh should we do this again next week i think we pretty much have to james great bye you