Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKS 9

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

We've had a great week here on Desert Island Dicks and what better way to top it off then with YOUR DICKS! Plus John Deacon's (foodie themed) dick picks. Submit your own desert island dicks today at dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Dan, it has been a great week on Desert Island Dicks. Yeah, yeah, we've had a lot of interaction. It's been good. Yeah, what a great episode with Jay Rayner as well. I tell you what, you know what, sometimes someone comes along,

I love all our guests, obviously, but sometimes someone comes along who just feels like just tailor-made for ranting about dicks, and Jay was that person. Just takes the format with both hands and just absolutely smashes it out of the park. Yeah, yeah. Very candid, very open, very blunt.

Perfect. Exactly what you want. Yeah, it's brilliant. And thank you for anyone listening to this that has interacted on Twitter. Let us know that they've enjoyed the episode. We've had some great reviews this week on the podcast as well. So just thank you to everyone that's listened and has gotten in touch.

Yeah. And if you're one of the listeners who is a new listener who has come to us via the Jay Rayner episode, this isn't the normal kind of episode. What this is is compact dicks. This is where me and James once a week talk about listeners submissions, things that you guys have sent in, dicks this is where me and james once a week uh talk about listeners submissions things that you guys have sent in dicks that annoy you and you want to share with us and the listeners and uh but we also do the regular weekly episodes of desert island dicks as well which is just me and a guest talking for about an hour the format of compact dicks is it's nice and short compact

for you to uh have a quick listen while you're getting ready for your day um and fill your life with dicks before you get started and if you want to send in yours if you listen to this and you think yeah i want to have my say about who or what i think is a dick then you can contact us go to dickspod.com contact james read out an example of someone who's done just that great well. Well, here's a great example. This is a lovely, nice, short one. And this is what we mean. It doesn't need to be, you know, a full life story about it,

although we do love those as well. Phil has emailed to say, this is an animal I've just found out about. It's not a dick, but it is a dick dick. Google it. It's amazing. Tar, but it is a dick dick. Google it. It's amazing. Tar for all the dicks. Phil.

Dan, Google dick dick. D-I-K. Dick dick. I think I know what this is. Is it some kind of marsupial? It is. Oh, yeah. It's like a deer, isn't it?

Yeah. He chose an animal called a dick dick. Yeah. It's a tiny little antelope. I actually think it's kind of cute looking like a little but a little bambi looking thing it's only 30 to 40 centimeters tall at the shoulder it's like a tiny little deer so for some reason it's quite nice phil decided to put that animal on the island great move on what's next um i have this one uh this is from richard cleaver and i mean this one this one he's he's

not holding back okay he says hi dan and james the person i'd like to nominate is jilly gordon the english wine critic journalist and so-called television personality i was unfortunate to meet the bitch in real life at a village fate when she was announcing winners of homegrown fruit and veg Oh my god. tasting or sommelier be a job you drink wine for a living for fuck's sake um the tongue has around 10 000 taste buds and are constantly being reduced invariably our sense of taste is constantly changing therefore the exact same wine can taste different to different people and naturally will be different to any one person respectively a specific hint of flavor might appear totally apparent to one and totally insignificant or untraced to another palette. Simple. We all have different preferences too. It makes us unique. One man's

poison is another man's wine, to misquote a proverb. I don't need some stuck-up piss swigger telling me what she detects from gargling with a South African ryoka. Fine hints of semi-digested loganberries? My arse. Sorry for being somewhat bitter and pedantic, but I feel extremely passionate about my choice. Also, I admit to being ever so slightly inebriated by some rather lovely riesling from my local Lidl. Cheap and nasty, but comes with a very handy screw top. Perfect.

Love the podcast. Carry on, chaps. Cheers, Richard and East Sussex. Wow, that is fucking good. He just went in. That is a genuine choice. Yeah, I feel that if his email was a type of wine, it would be a champagne,

and the cork has just sprung out and his bile has just spewed all over this podcast. Wow, Dan. That was great. Getting a bit jilly-gold inilly golden there yeah you got them fully jilly okay yeah fair play jilly goes on that's it dan uh as well as getting in touch via dixpod.com slash contact people can also get in touch with us on social media and we are at dixpod on twitter and at dixpod on instagram too and we've had a few messages of dicks for Instagram.

Should I read you one? Read us some social dicks. Okay, their name is Anna. Hi, I'm here for the compact thing. I want to put my old violin teacher, and I know you don't know her, but she was like this 100-year-old lady that would teach us these really boring pieces of music.

And mind me, these really boring pieces of music and mind me these were difficult pieces of music we had this whole choir and I was only eight but I hated this teacher so much because if you got one little note wrong she would scream and shout and send you to the head's office still bear in mind the violins were practically taller than us but she was just so awful and it gets worse so i don't know if you play music there's a note called a quaver and she would just randomly in the middle of a boring talk about how we shouldn't get anything wrong she would stop look at the floor and scream quaver while clenching her head and inseparably scratching it what that's insane and she scared the shit out of me and i think if

i was on the island with her she would just make everyone do everything for her wow the bit that really got me is where the teacher would just stop in the middle of our conversation grab her head and shout quaver i mean i suppose if there's anything likely to drive you mental, it's a classroom of eight-year-olds playing the violin. But at the same time, you know, you took the job. You know, you live with the consequences. And, yeah, it's bad because music is such an important thing. And to sort of put you off music at an early age is very, very detrimental.

You know, there's a responsibility there, I think. Yeah. Put her on. That's great. Thank you, Anna. This email is from Jess. She says, Hi, both.

Love the show. She says, My food dick is solidified cow mucus, a.k.a. cheese. Every fucking person in the world seems to love cheese and I just don't get it. Milk is bad enough because it's basically baby cow juice we wouldn't bottle and sell breast milk would we but then some

absolute genius was like hey let's let this go hard and moldy won't that be tasty and now everyone treats it like it's some incredible delicacy and i'm the weird one for not wanting to eat it no it deserves to be put on that island along with all the people that love it whoa i do not agree with this but yeah go well yeah i like cheese a lot and i can handle some pretty weird cheeses but i also can totally see why it's a weird thing you know yeah i think uh babatunde alesha he uh he hates cheese as well in his episode he goes on about it and i think you know like you ever been in like a nice restaurant where they bring you like a cheese board round and it's just like you know some like restaurants where they've got loads

and you just pick a few off of the board and it's like this table of weird oozing fucking things that look like they're found on a tree in a forest or something that's true yes i know this is nice but this is fucked yeah yeah i've definitely been chowing down on some cheese before and thought god i can't stop eating it uh but it's also borderline disgusting i think you are right yeah we've got a camembert in the fridge right and every time i open the fridge i'm like god that stinks and that's not a pleasant smell but i know i want to eat it like it doesn't make sense it's weird dan you've got to get that thing in the oven get that yeah i know soon we're we're going to that's uh maybe tonight oh what a treat um okay

great i understand that i think that's good. Yeah. Fair enough. All right. Yeah, fair play. That's your choice. You know, please send us more. We'd love to hear about your choices for dicks. And all the more personal to you, the better.

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Dan, I feel like at this junction of the podcast, if this is your first time listening to it we tend to check in with my dad yeah he featured um on the 50th episode of the podcast the john deacon special and now he is the regular contributor to compact dicks dan do you want to hear what he's got to say i can't wait hi james hi dan well great news. We're in the last week of the lockdown and then we're free to maybe go out for a drink and perhaps go to a restaurant for a meal. Talking about restaurants, it was a brilliant episode this week with restaurant critic Jay Rayner.

Now he chose Michael Gove, Gordon Ramsay and his English teacher. Gove has only been chosen once by comedian and writer Richard Herring. Now, Richard, he went to the same uni as Gove, Oxford Uni, no less. He went on to tell a couple of interesting stories about Gove. So that's well worth a listen but um i particularly like to comment by big brother five and a celebrity big brother contestant victor ebua he described gove as a weasel who would sell you a condom full of razor blades and toothpicks now as for gordon ramsey he's been chosen a few times comedian lucy porter right now she gave him a right roasting if you'll excuse the pun that's a great listen i also like writer and podcaster sam pamphilon's episode now sam worked for a few years as a chef in Peter Stringfellow's club he goes on to say how he

went from actually idolizing Ramsey to actually loathing him now Sam also talks about a couple of celebs who frequented Stringfellow's that's a very funny episode it's a great listen funny enough Gordon Ramsey filmed one of his episodes of Kitchen Nightmares in our hometown you know it showed him bullying a restaurant owner for a couple of weeks and you know then they invited local the mayor and the local councillors into the restaurant for the official opening you know got them drunk and they were saying how fantastic it all was and funny enough that particular restaurant and I kid you not it went bust literally a few months after that episode was shown on air so this week's

menu is for starters Lucy Porter for mains you've got Sam Pamphilon and for dessert you've got Richard Herring with a nice dollop of uh victor ebue on the top so um bon appetit and don't forget to leave a tip at dick's pod so cheers bye and there we go very foodie related choices from my dad yeah thank you for that uh putting together a lovely tasting menu for us john that was uh wonderful i liked it he's very good at remembering episodes yeah he's really good at remembering all these episodes that are sort of you know in the back catalogue and pulling out tidbits from them he's i mean you know we talked about sommeliers earlier he's kind of like a

desert island dick sommelier isn't he suggesting what will go withgesting what will go with your week. What will go with your week? Dan, this is poetry. That's really good. I mean, yeah, I think to find out that he's the desert islandic sommelier will probably make his week. I do feel like that's the longest feature that my dad has ever sent us and I'm slightly

worried we've enabled him a little bit. But, you know, the fame's not gone to his head oh and he mentioned peter stringfellow there funnily enough he also talked about stringfellow in his episode that you can go and check out the 50th episode where he talks about peter stringfellow in a thong and he goes deep in talking about peter stringfellow and his wrinkly arse in a thong. So please go and listen to that. Oh, horrendous. Horrendous stuff. OK, well, we're sort of at the end of the amount of time we've got for this because this is, after all, compact.

Well, it's compact dicks, isn't it? So we can't go on for too long. But as ever, we welcome your submissions at dickspod.com slash contact. You can email us about anything that we have on the podcast so you know if you want to nominate a person who's a dick a food a drink a film a song or an animal that's all fine um but sometimes i like to give you a little sort of uh yeah a suggestion if you want to get involved and you haven't got any ideas something to sort of channel your thoughts and um earlier we read out one uh about that violin teacher and on jay rayner's episode one of his choices was his

old english teacher and that got me thinking about one of my old teachers um when i was about i think eight years old and like jay i went for a little while i went to a private school which seems to have like they seem to breed complete nutters for teachers um and this teacher this is genuine i'm not going to say his name out loud because his name his surname is actually a racial slur but it was genuine his name his name was mr c o o n that was his actual name wow okay this is extraordinary but he was um like and you know when people are just so mad? I don't think you could have a teacher like him today. This was kind of very late 80s, early 90s.

And he was big into corporal punishment to the point where if you did something wrong, he wouldn't just make you stand on the corner. He had like a line drawn very low on the wall where you'd have to stand with your hands against this line and your feet sort of a few meters back so you're leaning at an incredibly weird angle and he'd just leave you there like that for a while when you're like eight or nine that's crazy yeah one time i got uh two kids were messing around and like stole my shoes and i was kind of you know like we had a bit of a scuffle uh being about nine years old i sort of went up and said look they've nicked my shoes and done all this and he didn't like me because i had long hair and wouldn't get it cut so he went oh

well it's probably because you got long hair and they think you're a girl that's probably why they stole your shoes and that was it oh my god as a child yeah yeah he was unbelievable basically i'm calling out uh fascist school teachers because you know the thing is and look my mum was a teacher for years like you can always remember the worst teachers you had but also the best teachers right so i'm not you know like it's a really hard job yeah Yeah. It's a difficult job. And, like, the best teachers can inspire you in a subject that you previously hated. You know, like, one year you might hate biology. The next year you get a new teacher and suddenly it's your favourite subject. Like, they're such, you know, important characters.

Which means when you get one like this who's gone rogue and just hates all people and is, like, something out of Roald Dahl. Yeah. Then they deserve to be put on a desert island. There's no excuse. rogue and just hates all people and is like something out of Roald Dahl yeah then there's no excuse I mean Priti Patel some would say has got a hard job there's no point in shouting at people do you know I mean it's just like it's just unnecessary yeah anyway um you know it hasn't damaged me I'm not bitter at all obviously I don't sort of you ranting about people on the podcast. Some form of catharsis. But yeah, any stories of dicks at school, teacher dicks, that kind of thing.

Not actual teacher's dicks, but you know what I mean. And that would be wonderful. Send them in to dickspod.com slash contact. Dan, this has been great. This has been great. I've enjoyed it. You know what? Actually,

this week we had so many we couldn't quite fit them all in but we have read them, we have enjoyed them. We might try, we'll try and get back to them at a later date

so if yours didn't get read out, no hard feelings, baby. But keep them coming in and perhaps we'll read them out at a later date. Dan, should we do this next week I would love to

bye bye bye I'm going to go.