Desert Island Dicks - COMPACT DICKSMAS! (13)

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS - ya filthy animals Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Marc Jacobs perfume gift sets include everything she needs to feel special. From her favorite fragrance plus the matching travel spray. Holiday gifts don't get much more perfect than this. So if you're looking for a gift inspiration these holidays, gift the remarkable with Marc Jacobs. oh holy crap there's a lot of dicks out there in the world and it's our job to talk about it james yes my name is dan james is over there i'm here yeah that's me the other end of a computer there's tier four baby um hey it's james it's christmas dan today is christmas day oh shit yeah i forgot it's christmas day isn't it that's cool isn't it yeah it's good it's good

happy christmas if you're listening to this on Christmas day, I mean, you're hardcore or just an average person affected by tier four rules. I think in a normal year, if you were listening to this on Christmas day, I'd feel a little bit like, oh, but this year I'm like,

no, fuck it. It's tier four. If there's anything we can do to, you know, just share a bit of a moment, then let's fucking do it. Hey, Dan, what are you doing with your family right now on Christmas morn? On Christmas morn, so because it's tier four,

it's just me and my wife and my son and our son. And probably just going to drip feed him presents throughout the day so that we don't have to do very much. And I'm going to drink as much as possible my wife's pregnant so i'm going to sort of balance my drinking with you know trying to be good at normal conversation yeah that's good nice you know i mean yeah yeah i know when someone's not drinking especially if it's the only other person that you can talk to, that's kind of... Yeah, and he gets like four in the afternoon and I'm like, no, no, no, you listen. No, no, no, you listen.

And then she's like, Dan, that's a mirror. Stop it. Stop it. No, you don't know what's wrong. No, you don't know what you're talking about. Dan, stop talking to our son like that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that is a typical conversation between...

Anyway, I'm quite drunk as we record this as befitting christmas day yeah it's christmas day that's fine do you know what you may have just changed my christmas for the second time in as many podcasts um drip feed the presents throughout the day dan i'm an idiot i've just slung them all under the tree they're gonna get all of them at once well i'm gonna probably put them all under the tree they're gonna get all of them at once well i'm gonna probably put them all under the tree but i'm gonna sort of rather than sort of i'm gonna try and kind of go oh what's this one cool should we play with this for a bit and then i'm gonna try and sort of or i'll just pretend they're not all for him because he can't read so he has no idea okay

that's cool yeah well what are you up to today on Christmas Day? Yeah, just, you know, getting up with my kids at probably stupid o'clock, maybe as early as like 4.30, which sometimes they get up at the minute and, you know, opening presents and just, you know, like as you can hear in the tone of my voice, just soaking up that Christmas joy, Dad.

It's tricky though. If they get up that early, you're like, well, I could distract you with presents, but then by the time anyone else gets... That's it for the day. They're fucked. But, hey, let's, like, inject this Christmas morning with what people have come here for.

Yeah, sorry, this has turned into dad chat. Dad chat. That's a whole different podcast. You're listening to dad chat. You're listening to two moaning men. Yeah. Hey, no, this isn't two moaning men yeah hey no this isn't too many men you know what this is this is christmas effing day it's the sound of two men moaning hey this is christmas fucking day and yeah this is compact dicks and if you've never listened to

this before and you've made it this far then well done but if you no seriously if you haven't listened before then this isn't desert island dicks this is the spin-off we're like we're like the the little outreach post in the distance this is where we read out your submissions when you get stuff off your chest it's not about us it's christmas let's talk about spirit of togetherness this is about all of us together shedding our skins of hate oh i love and moving forward and with our with our glossy coats of goodwill uh into the new year dan um people can get in touch uh dixpod.com contact you can message us i'm not expecting you to do that on Christmas Day. But hey, just in case, have you got one in the mail bag?

I've got one in the mail bag. And this isn't especially Christmas related, but that's fine. It doesn't stop it from being some solid gold content from Gareth Edwards. And he says, Greetings Dickmongers. I've recently discovered your podcast

and been binge listening over the last few weeks love the podcast keep up the good work well we will certainly keep it up i don't know if it's good but we're gonna do our best was that it no no there's more oh no he's gonna do more okay he says i'd like to share with you my animal dick that's not now to be clear it's he wants to share an animal that's a dick he doesn't't have an animal dick. As far as I know. I mean, we are all animals, but it's not about that. I'd love it if he had a duck's penis. He might.

I don't know. As far as I know, he's a regular Joe. But he says, I'd like to share with you my animal dick. I know they've been mentioned before, but I'd like to add my own vote for seagulls. And I think this is fucking bang on. He says, they nick your chips, shit on your head, and may even kidnap your dog. See, article.

He sent us a link to a Guardian article where a seagull has carried away a dog from a garden in Devon. Fuck yeah. Wow, that's quite close to home. I can tell you an anecdote about this later. I think this sort of shit happens all the time in Devon. Anyway, he says,

However, these are not my reasons for hating them. Quite frankly, if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a seagull, then you shouldn't have such a ridiculous dog. My own grudge against these creatures is based on a personal experience. Before I start my story, I should make clear, in case my boss is listening, that this happened when I was working in a previous job of course okay a friend of mine had moved to the coast and i was invited down to stay over for a few days and go to the housewarming party but my work schedule did not allow me to accept the request so i decided to accept the request and phone in sick standard great good man

straight after work i jumped on a train i had a narrow window of time to make the call to work before my shift was due to start the next morning and so i set my alarm it turned out that the alarm was unnecessary as the cries of hundreds of seagulls woke me in plenty of time to make the call the problem is that i live in stoke on trent which is about as far from the coast as it's possible to get in Britain. And if I call in to work sick, the sound of the seagulls will make it quite clear that I was not in Stoke, but was at the seaside.

After several minutes of panic, I decided to make a call from a cupboard under the stairs with a duvet over my head to muffle the sound. Not sure whether my boss could hear the gulls or was suspicious, but luckily I did get away with it. No thanks to the fucking seagulls wow that is really really good that is good that is good thank you very much for that gareth um yeah i mean seagulls i lived in brighton i have i have been attacked by them my friends have all been attacked with them i had a friend of mine who was

like perennially skint all the time and once he had five pounds left in his bank account and he was like right well i need to eat i'm going to get it out but got his five last five pounds out um went to like the pasty shop bought a pasty and he was just waiting for it to cool down this is £2.50 of its last fiver in the world. And a gull swooped from behind took the entire plastic and just flew up to a lamppost above him.

And was just flipping it around trying to cool it down because it was still so fresh and hot. He hadn't even had a single bite. And he said he was just standing there, literally just shaking his fist like you would

in a cartoon. That's so good. Oh, Dan, that's good. Right, Dan, at this juncture, if you've listened to plenty of these, you already know that I do this in almost every episode, but we have social media, and you can get in touch with us.

You can follow us on there at Dick's Pod on Twitter and on Instagram. Yeah. And you can also get in touch with us via there with your choices for compact dicks, which Ellie Louise has done. And she says, Hi, James and Dan. Hello. I have a Christmas dick for you,

which is very specific to me but can be generalized as any relative who asks insensitive and often dicky questions yeah in my case this is horrible nan horrible nan right every year i sit cringing waiting for her arrival, which started one year the minute I opened the door to her. I'd recently dyed my hair pink and I was loving it. We don't see her often, maybe twice a year for reasons such as this. She took one look at my hair and said, oh, no plans on getting a boyfriend then. Another year after, I'd opened a gift of an apron styled as a suffragette's tabard from my mum. Horrible nan, it's named.

This is what's wrong with the world. Women who want things their way. Wow. Wow. Nan. Horrible nan. It's weird, isn't it, when you're like a woman saying those things. You're like, this is the problem with the world. Women getting what they want.

Women who want things their way other examples of her antics include telling my recently made redundant brother that your girlfriend will probably leave you now for someone with a job and constantly referring to my two cats as pussies wow are reasons i could tolerate the reasons i could tolerate being stranded on a desert island with any relative who asks insensitive questions or makes remarks to annoy or upset people at christmas many thanks and i have appreciated the sense of therapy it gave me just typing this up you know what i love i really like hearing people rant about close family like that you know when it's like your nan's supposed to be all nice and cuddly and bake your biscuits and just be nice and

kind of like slip your chocolates when you're young and when they're just like when there's like a mean nan i love hearing stories about mean nans you know yeah you're not supposed to say this but like i hate my nan something really satisfying about it it's like because if it's like oh i hate my mum or i hate my dad you're like i don't want to hear this there's gonna be loads of baggage and weird shit but if it's like your nan or your granddad they're far enough removed that it's sort of okay so you can just relish that they're kind of disliking this person that should be really cuddly and nice yeah it's true it's true i mean ellie that was

rock solid stuff that's good isn't it that is exactly as much as christmas is about family and forgiveness and togetherness i mean some people just don't be, you know, you shouldn't get together with. No, we asked for Christmas dicks and she nailed the brief. Absolutely. Absolutely. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com.

Now, James, it's at this point in the podcast, I think it's time to get some outside influence from none other than your father. And it's time to hear some recommendations from mr john deacon hi james hi dan well uh yet another great episode this week dan with yet another legend uh skin from the band skunk and nancy brilliant here we are on christmas day 2020 well with most of the country in tier four lockdown and everybody's plans up in the air, what we need is some classic dicks to give us some Christmas cheer. My first choice for the festive season is Absolute Radio DJ Andy Bush's Christmas special. Andy goes on to say how his dad's antics made him and his brother a laughingstock

for making them believe in Santa for much longer than they should have. But also his description of a bird in a bird is hilarious. So that's well worth a listen. Now, my next choice is comedian and podcaster Tom Holmes's episode. His take on Shaggy's It Wasn't Me is hilarious. And if you know what a shart is well that is exactly what happened to tom after he drank too much tequila so my festive choices are dj andy bush's christmas special and comedian and podcaster tom holmes's episode so i hope you have a great christmas cheers bye rock solid choices from john deacon now yeah yeah again he's like a he's like he's he's in the desert island dick's quarry and he's mining away finding little

nuggets for you you to enjoy that you might have otherwise overlooked i love that my dad's in a dick's quarry right now okay that sounds weird doesn't it but't it? But like, he's No, Dan, it's great. He's at the coal face. Is that better? He's at the coal face chiselling out dick lunch. I don't know if he wants his face to do it. Okay, listen, John, you're doing some

really good hard work and we appreciate it and thank you for everything you bring to Compact Dicks. Yeah,icks he mentioned a previous Christmas episode I think it might have been the first ever Christmas special with Andy Bush this was a couple years ago one thing that he didn't

mention on there was Andy Bush's description of the snowman you know the film and the book The Snowman is fucking brilliant he makes the snowman out to be some mad pervert like it's really good james pull out another dick from the sack okay let's have a look let me get my dick sack open all right here we go it's open okay this one comes in from joseph

and joseph says hang on oh god hang on joseph says dear ding dongs i hope you're merry and high thank you joseph i very much am i would like to ask you a question turning it back on us i like this what is the most dickish gift you have ever received my mum once gave me the exact same book for my birthday as she had for christmas my birthday is in january okay bye that's it he just gives us an okay bye as well wow so wait so he got a present at christmas and then a month later he got the same present from the same book from his mum. What is the most dickish gift you've ever received, Dan? Right, so this is one where, like, I actually quite enjoyed it, but it was one of those things that, like, was quite hard to explain.

You know when you're, like, 16? I think I was about 14. Mm. And so, you know, you're just obsessed with, with like how you were seen and if you're weird or whatever and like am i normal is this okay am i fitting in and my mum got me like for christmas got me like a tree for my room right so it's like this massive indoor tree yeah right from like and it was like quite a big and i thought it was quite cool i was like oh this is quite nice i've now got a tree in my room that's quite cool but like

try telling your friends when you're 14 that you got a tree for christmas when they've all got playstation doesn't stuff like and do you know what i mean like i did i did quite like it i kept managed to keep it alive for quite a long time and it was really you know it was quite nice you know I could I don't know people come round and they're like what did you get for Christmas I got a tree yeah like I got a Playstation what did you get

I got decks what did you get I got a tree but I really like it but do you know what I mean it was just that thing like it wasn't a dickish present but it made I really like it but do you know what i mean it was just that thing like it wasn't a dickish present but it made i felt like it because then also you're like no i should fucking own this i should be like yeah i've got a tree i love it it's wicked but you know when you're just like i'm 14 i can't i can't do it so um i have i've not specifically received a dickish present

god joseph is gonna be pissed because we're not giving him what he asked for here, but I have been a dick giving a present and I may have mentioned this on a previous podcast but one year I didn't get one year I didn't get my then girlfriend, now wife

anything for Christmas and on her way to her house I bought her a Bruno Mars CD from a petrol station That is just, I mean that's that is despicable if there's such a thing as a christian afterlife when saint peter is it saint peter saint paul yeah it's the one at the pearly gates peter he's going to be weighing up your sin and that's going to be a big black black mark in in the in the no box nothing that i've done will redeem me of that dan i didn't live that down for ages and so i think we'll all agree that in that scenario i was the

dick um dan um hey dan it's christmas day i should let you get on with your um go and enjoy christmas with your family well yeah because this is absolutely not pre-recorded we wouldn't disrespect the listeners by doing that and actually yeah you are keeping me from my tier 4 Christmas with my family but and I am keeping

you from your tier 4 family with yours so I think the best thing to do is probably end this by just saying to all of our listeners, Merry Christmas to you. Yeah, Merry Christmas. And you know what? Thank you so much for listening

and supporting us throughout the year. You know, we don't go on about it much, but we're a plucky underdog in the world of big podcasters with producers and budgets and things like that. And your support means a lot to us because it's just us. And so thank you. And we do have one more coming out before 2020 is done.

We've got an end of year special. Should we tell them who it is? Yeah, we should fucking tell them. Get them excited. You're the hardcore listeners here on Compact Dicks. So we've got a special end of year podcast. We brought back one of our um most popular uh guests of 2020 dane baptiste and he's come in to do us a special end of year

special a special end of year special um talking about the worst people and things specifically from 2020 and uh i recorded it the other day and let me tell you he brings the fire it's amazing is it good oh my god i'm so excited you know he is he just took the brief and ran with it and so that's like the final episode of 2020 and then normal service will resume at some point oh yeah no compact dicks next week but then then we'll be back beginning of January fighting with more compact dicks. So send them in, dickspod.com slash contact.

Now, Dan, I did write something, actually, to sort of round off the podcast. You didn't expect this, did you? No, I didn't. I have no idea what this is. I thought I'd just write something for the listeners. Something really heartfelt

and that I've spent a lot of time on obviously let me just get my notes it says here ok bye I'm going to go.