Desert Island Dicks - DAN BENEDICTUS

Episode Date: October 11, 2017

Welcome to the very first episode of Desert Island Dicks. Sharing their Desert Island Dicks with us today is podcaster and writer, Daniel BenedictusFind us on facebook and twitter @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst possible people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today, podcaster and writer, Dan Benedictus. Hi. Hi, Dan. Thanks for having me.

Do you want to tell the people a little bit about yourself? Well, my name's Dan. I'm 35 years old, cancer. I like techno music, sarcastic comments, and being lazy. So, Dan, who's your first dick? Who's the first dick on the island?

Okay, so first of all, on a show like this, I'm a very cynical man. So it's really hard. The amount of people that just annoy me every day just on my way into work is such that... This could be a really busy island. But I get to choose three, right? Yeah.

And it's really hard not to just be really sort of sincere and put people like Paul Dacre, the editor of Daily Mail, or Rupert Murdoch, or Nigel Farage in. The heavy hitters, the big ones. Yeah, but I sort of thought that's a given, like Katie Hopkins.

I don't want to talk about them any more than they're already talked about. They've got enough, yeah. For the sake of this podcast and your listeners, I'm going to keep it upbeat. Okay. So, first dick. Breaking news coming in from Bet365, where every nail-biting overtime

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Yeah. But she's so nice to have. So that's what she wants you to think. Okay. Davina McCall is an old, crow-faced, horrible, screechy woman. Right. Davina McCall invented that whole, like, oh, you're right, mate, punch them on the arm because we're best friends even though I never know you

and you're just a chump from Dagenham on the quiz show. Let's be bezies! And like, I just can't stand her. False relationship. She builds like a false relationship with everyone. Yeah, but she's like the queen of that horrible manner of presenting. You know that little punch on the arm thing? Yeah, I know what you mean.

I can picture it exactly. Yeah, and they're just like, oh, we're all great. We're having such a great time here. Oh, I'm so wild. I saw her interviewed on Jonathan Ross once, and there was no reason to bring this up, but she was just being interviewed

about whatever programme she was presenting next, right? So she's doing a bit of press for it. And Jonathan goes, Anna, right, you've brought something along with you. And she goes, yeah, I've brought my raving whistle because me and my sister used to go out raving all the time and I used to have this whistle, we used to have our whistles. And yeah, you know, I've just brought this in to...

Basically, she's brought in a sodding whistle just to show that she's still a good time girl and hey even though you know she's however old and has kids and stuff probably she's still she's still a raver at heart but there was no reason for it there wasn't a feature or anything it was just to shoehorn in that she's still like a good time girl okay and also even if i did like her the person with the whistle at the rave is like the most annoying person whistling along all night so that gives you a night even if i liked her that gives you an example of her character okay yeah yeah can you imagine her on an island she'd either be i think she'd either be really stroppy or she'd just be like relentlessly upbeat and almost try and host it like it was some kind of

reality tv show like big brother or something put on the yeah yeah and then you just your whole day would be do i bludgeon her to death to stop the racket or do i just keep her alive because i need some company what kind of skills do you think she'd have any skills when it on the desert island or is it just a complete letdown i mean i think in fairness to her i think she probably would be good at keeping conversation going because that's like you know she has to get blood out of a stone that's the presenters kind of thing isn't it you've got to keep it moving got to you know listen to jill from twickenham and you know find out about their life i think she would be good at that.

There's that point, though, where maybe you want to hunker down and get, like, a couple hours sleep. You know there's no wild animals nearby and she's just talking to you about her raving days or something like that. Yeah, or you just wake up hearing her talking really loudly about half a mile away down the beach, just going...

OK, I think you've justified that. That is your first dick on the island. And for your second dick, Dan, who have you got? Second dick, Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran? Yeah. OK. Yeah.

I already see where you're probably going with this, but, like, go for it. Why Ed Sheeran? Ed Sheeran is... I just think he just annoys me so much. OK, his music is just saccharine, sort of faux-nostalgic crap. But the thing is, so I work in the media, right?

And one of the worst things about working in the media, and there are many bad things, is that people don't let you hate stuff properly. So you go, oh, I hate Take That, and they go, oh, no, but i really think gary barlow you know he's such a talented songwriter he's a national treasure even if you don't like take out you should go see him live because what a performance exactly right and people do this with ed sheeran so much like oh but he's so talented do you know he writes and all these things himself

and and he's just a little twat like it's this whole layer upon layer of fake sincerity. Yeah. And all of his things. Okay, so he's probably about, what, 25 or something? Something like that. I guess, right. So he's probably about 25. And all of his songs are about,

oh, do you remember back in the old days? You know, we didn't have any money and we just like us friends in the summer, like smoking rollies and getting drunk by the river. Oh, do you remember those days? What do you mean, do you remember those days? They're about four years ago. You were still, you're 25.

And everyone else still lives there probably. You're the only one that's left. They're all doing that still. Oh, do you remember the simpler times before I was a multi-millionaire? Shut up, Ed Sheeran. Who cares? Right. And they're either about that,

where he's remembering things from five years ago and pretending that it was like some halcyon days in the countryside in some different era, like post-war era or something. Or he's writing songs about stuff that's like, it was kind of sad, but it was also kind of sort of beautiful and stuff. You know, like she was on crack, but she had a really good heart and that's almost worse at least you know we always

feel i'm 35 i don't feel any older than when i was 25 really i just i'm just less interested in going out but like like the so i can sort of see the reminiscing thing, it's just everyone does it. But the whole, like, oh, finding beauty in all the sadness. Wasn't there one song he did about, like, some girl having a miscarriage or something? Oh, God, I don't know, I don't know. Hey, do me a favour, come on. Yeah. And throughout all this, he's, you know,

he's just, like, seen as some kind of poet or something. And the other thing, right, I'm not saying, it's good that pop stars shouldn't all have to be gorgeous and nice looking, right? It should be based on talent. But he looks like he's crawled out from under a bridge. Did you ever see the He-Man movie? Yeah.

With Dolph Lundgren. Oh, God, yeah. And there was that weird hairy creature. He's that. You know the one in He-Man? I don't know, he's like their mascot or something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know who you mean. He's like a scientist.

That is really mean. He looks like that. No, I agree. Like I say, you know, it's good that not all pop stars are like completely gorgeous people. There should be a range, more than there is. But he looks like he, like, I don't know, he looks like he smells of terriers. He is the great unwashed, isn't he, Ed Sheeran? He's representative.

I don't know where he buys all the old skate clothes from. He wears some ancient skate clothes. He must have been wearing them for a long time. He probably gets someone to buy them for him or he gets them remade or something. I don't know. What could he bring to the desert island, if anything? That's the thing what could he bring to the desert island if anything

that's the thing you'd be on a desert island and he'd find some way of fashioning a sodding guitar for you and then he'd serenade you yeah you knew that the whole time throughout all the hardships there's just more material for him so if you all got rescued he'd then be minted because he'd sell an album about how tough it was when we had to eat sand again. Yeah. We had to eat sand again and it was kind of beautiful that we were starving and Davina's corpse was just floating by. Yeah. Just horrible.

And there's about, you know, there's four of you that survived but then there's maybe like a hundred other dead. Yeah. But there's beauty in it. There's beauty in it, you know. Oh, they had a name once they were someone's father let's think about that okay no ed sheeran let's not okay right okay i

think you've justified that ed sheeran is there with you on the desert island and you've got one more choice for your third dick who is the third dick uh i don't have as much to say about this guy but jason statham jason statham why jason statham jason statham is like uh do you remember do you remember when vinnie jones became a movie star yes and it's like well you don't give him many lines because he's a footballer and he's just famous for being a bit of a hard man but jason statham is an actor but he's only one notch up from Vinnie Jones. He's just occupying that same territory of get really ripped

and have a Cockney accent and that's basically it. And as long as, what's his name, old Guy Ritchie's still around, you'll probably have a few quid every now and again. But that's all he is. He's just like a walking accent in the six pack-pack yeah the only

purpose of jason safem he's got nothing else going on yeah he's completely typecast vinnie jones i get it because vinnie jones is typecast because of how he was in the football field but um as an actor you should be more versatile yeah and i think like in the olden days let think in the olden days, I'm going to say the olden days, when I was younger, our action stars sort of had a bit more to it. So Arnold Schwarzenegger. Amazing. He was just massive and just a ridiculous figure. You know, Sylvester Stallone,

he could actually write movies as well. Okay, yeah. And even though he seems really dumb, he wrote all the Rocky films. So that's good. This chair again. And who else? I don't know. Even people like

Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme, at least they could do a bit of martial arts. Statham's just like a big bag of meat shaped into muscles. Okay, yeah.

And that's it. Yeah. All right, okay. I agree, yeah. I think that's great i don't have that much to say about him though i'll tell you where he would come in useful though he was on the british diving team once before he was an actor that's interesting it's interesting yeah so he'd probably be quite useful was that his hinge do you think too i don't know i mean i imagine that would be useful in a sort of aquatic landscape yeah okay

so and in his current physique you could probably carry all of you yeah he'd be strong yeah i think you could probably i think you could probably train him like some kind of pack animal to sort of do your bidding and just you'd like ride him around the island right okay because he'd tire less quickly than i would yeah you could use that do could use that. Do you think he's strong strong or do you think he's gym strong? Do you know what I mean? Do you think he's got the look but he could actually... I think he'd probably have the look but not be that strong. But he would definitely still be stronger than I am

because I'm not even that. Fair enough. You could send him out first. I mean, it's not all depressing, Dan. Mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there's some food and drink left over. But unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world.

And what are they and why are they so bad? Okay, well, for drinks, I like drinks. Yep. But I don't like shots. Okay. And I think that's because I'm a 35-year-old man and I like to just drink the nice things that I know are available and not have to just drink the nasty ones.

Does anyone like shots? I don't know. I think no one's ever liked them, but at the point when it's like... So it's my birthday on Tuesday, right? This weekend. Happy birthday. I'm going to be in the pub. Thank you.

I'm going to be in the pub and people are probably going to try and buy me shots and I'm going to tell them to sod off. Yeah. But the thing is, I'm going to be in the pub. Thank you. I'm going to be in the pub, and people are probably going to try and buy me shots, and I'm going to tell them to sod off. Yeah, okay. But the thing is, I'm going to be drunk anyway. Yes, okay. And I'm not even putting shots in here. This is a preamble.

Okay, all right. Great, okay. One thing I was going to say, because I was going to put Jägermeister in. Specifically Jägermeister. Yeah, because there's an advert at the minute where all these people come together and build this massive stag in the forest. Have you seen it?

Like a Wicker Man type stag. Yeah, like a Wicker Man stag out of sticks and berries. And they spend ages putting it all together, you know, to symbolise the fact that Jägermeister's made of loads of ingredients. Sticks and berries. Yeah, loads of lovely ingredients from the forest. And then they set fire to the stag and have a drink and go, which shows the pointlessness of Jägermeister, isn't it? It's like you go to all this effort to create this thing.

It's just disgusting and gone as quickly as possible. So that was going to be in there. But then I thought about it a bit more. And I think like they're disgusting drinks, but they're just sort of gone in a second, right? But what really annoys me, which I think would annoy me more over time, is fizzy water.

Wow. Because water is one of my favourite drinks, which is really boring. It's the only drink you need. Yeah, and I really like a big, cool glass of refreshing water, which is why often if you come to my house, I've got very little to offer you unless it's booze. Booze or water or tea. But not shots.

No, not shots. And also never really have any fun drinks. Okay, yeah. I'm trying to get better at that. All right. But anyway, I think the thing is when you're really thirsty and all there is is fizzy water, it's so annoying because you know it's basically the same, but it tastes different.

And it should be more refreshing and nice. But it doesn't just taste like water with bubbles. It tastes like something's in it, doesn't it? It's like sort of bitter somehow. Yeah, I don't know where that comes from because it's just water, right? Yeah, it's something like the gas that they put in it, right? So imagine if all you could drink on a desert island was like, it was almost right, but it wasn't quite right.

And you were so thirsty. But every time you wanted it, it was fizzy. Yeah. And because it was fizzy, you couldn't really chug it that quickly. And you're just constantly burping all the time. Sitting there burping, Davina won't shut up. And she was trying to fashion a guitar out of an old seat. Yeah, and every time she sees you kind of gag slightly at the fizziness,

she's like, oh, actually, I find it really refreshing. I love fizzy water. And you go, oh, leave it, Davina. I'm just thinking about killing myself drinking this fizzy water. Statham's just running through the forest, just smashing into trees, like ruining the hut that you've just built. And all you've got is fizzy water at the end of the day.

Okay, I'm there. So that would be that. Food... It's a toss-up. At one point I thought of halva. I'm sort of cheating by telling you what I would put in but didn't. I think it's good. I nearly put in halva. Have you tried halva? No, I don't know

if I have. Imagine nougat, but it's a little chewy. Imagine nougat that's made of chalk. It's basically that. It's like hard, dusty nougat. What, it's edible? Yeah, it's like a sweet. It's like a Middle Eastern delicacy. Oh, God.

But it's just not very nice. And it's like crumbly, dry nougat with nuts in it. No, it sounds... Rubbish. It sounds horrible. And once... Where do you get that from like i don't know sort of anywhere so the sort of shops that sell shisha tobacco and things right

okay yeah i'm there and dried fruits and stuff like sort of like turkish lebanese kind of okay okay once i went to the summer solstice at stonehenge because i was at university and someone was going so i went along and we stayed up all night and it was really wet and it was just really boring and in the morning I was really hungry and this guy this guy who I didn't like very much was like oh I've got loads of food here have some and all he had was dried salted

butter beans and halva and I was like mate I've got a pretty dry mouth I mean I'm at Stone Henge right obviously I've got a dry mouth what are you doing? Yeah it sounds horrific. It's awful but that's the kind of people that you'll'm at stonehenge right obviously i've got a dry mouth what are you doing yeah it sounds horrific it's awful but that's the kind of people that you'll find at stonehenge all night yeah exactly don't go it's rubbish okay uh but no what's worse than halvert liver oh god yeah and i don't i know it can be useful so like haggis has got liver in it. Haggis is nice.

Pate, I like pate. But just a plate of liver. What are you doing? Oh no, I don't like that. I don't like pate either. Do you not like it? Because it's too liverish. It is a bit livery,

but I can sort of deal with it then. But the thing is, it's just, it's like that weird smooth texture. Oh no. And I don't understand it. I think that... I don't know.

I physically can't even swallow it. The first time I ever got into trouble at school was for throwing liver on the floor because I couldn't physically swallow it. So I thought I'd try and really subtly throw it under the table. Paint a picture for us. Why have you got liver at school? What's going on?

It was... I don't know. I was probably about seven years Why have you got liver at school? What's going on? It was, I don't know, I was probably about seven years old. It was really bad school meals. Oh God. It was kind of a really small school and you all ate in one go. It wasn't like a canteen. You just sat in one sort of big dining room thing. Okay, yeah. And you just got served up. And yeah, and I was like, I just, I've got to get out of here. What am I going to do? But I was seven years old. I couldn't do a runner. Where would I go? You just chuck your head. So I tried to subtly throw it on the floor.

Someone else did as well. Yeah. We wouldn't admit who it was. And we got sent to the headmaster. Wow. I'm really, I can't picture the school that you went to, but it was long after this, but in my head it's like 70s and then you've got a big spoonful of liver

and then a spoonful of gruel on your plate. Yeah, it was a bit like that. I think it was one of those schools that was really old-fashioned so it probably was the same as it was in the 70s. Oh, Dan. So, yeah, and I got in trouble for that and it's never left me. In the end, I had to get my mum to write an elaborate letter for me

saying why I didn't have to eat liver at school because I think her excuse was that she'd read an article about how many damaging steroids there are in animal feed and as that all gets filtered through the liver it's too rich in like chemicals and she didn't want me to eat like this is the lengths i had to go yeah out of eating this crap your mum's really smart. Yeah. That's great. I'm just imagining going home, Mum, I just can't eat that liver anymore. I know, it's disgusting.

Also, it's the bit that filters all the crap out of your body. So why are you going to eat that bit? Why do you want to put that back in? Same with kidneys. They're for filtering your piss. Yeah. So why are you going to eat the bit that doesn't have all that in? Oh, you wouldn't eat a sponge someone had pissed on. Exactly.

It's disgusting. It's basically a horrible, like, you know. Yeah, I agree. Liver is disgusting. That metallic, it's like chewing tinfoil. It's horrible. But soft, gloopy tinfoil. Yeah.

Okay, Dan. And on a desert island, I'm imagining it's going to be quite hot as well. Nice hot day. Oh, no. A plate of hot liver. That is disgusting. Yeah, so that's going to be quite hot as well. Nice hot day. Nice plate of hot liver. That is disgusting. Yeah, so that's going on the island.

I agree, you can have that. That is horrible. Okay, liver justified. Okay, Dan. Well, fortunately, on this desert island, you won't be without entertainment. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work into the duration of your time there.

But just your luck, it has only two working settings, and they are your least favourite film of all time on the screens, which you can watch over and over again, or your least favourite song or sound playing out of the entertainment system. OK. Hit me. For song, I've gone for More Than Words by Xtreme.

OK. Do you know the song? I don't think I do, no. Oh, well, we'll have to play a clip. I insert a clip here. If my heart was torn in two More than words to show you feel That your love for me is real

What would you say If I took those words out of line Then you couldn't make me Okay, extreme more than words, right? First off, they're called extreme. With an X? No, the normal way. First off, they're called extreme. With an X? No, no, no. The normal way.

Okay. But that would be bad anyway. No, it is bad. Even if you were like an extreme death metal band, calling yourself extreme would be quite bad. But then, oh, extreme, they sound pretty wild. Oh, look, there they are with their acoustic guitars, sitting on a stool, singing this bloody country-tinted,

awful ballad thing. And what winds me up the most about it is there's a couple of bits in it where it lulls you into thinking that it's about to end about three times and then it just carries on again. Just by saying

da-da-da and you think it's going to go and fade off and they bloody draw you back in again and the whole bloody thing just starts over and you're just longing for it to end the whole time it's so bad and it's one of those songs again that people sort of

of a certain generation or era they think it's like a really moving sincere song I think for some people it was the cheesy get a girl back to your house this is a romantic song that shows I have okay but it just shows that you're an awful person that with no imagination yeah dreadful it's it's like the worst of every okay so I guess it's based in rock music because it's got guitars it's got country yeah it's the worst of all those genres yeah the worst of

singer-songwriter stuff it's just. It's just a bad song. People have this as a first dance at wedding. Oh. What about those harmonies, Dan? Those lovely harmonies. Do you know what I mean? Oh, the harmonies. Oh, it just graces me so much.

And you can't even really hum along to it or sing along to it. So if that was your only song, it would just be like drifting on the breeze on the desert island. But there's not enough to get your teeth into you'd never ever grow to like it and it would always sound like it's about to finish and it would just start up again it's like chinese water torture oh well how long do you think you'd last listening to that song not long not long at all and i bet ed sheeran likes it i bet he'd bloody harmonize to it. Yeah. He'd rewrite it and remix it. Yeah. Davina would have a story about it,

about how actually it's not that bad, and this one time her and a friend were singing to it. Okay, yeah. Okay, that's just fine. You can have that on your desert island. Dan. Yeah. You can pick a film or even a TV series here

that's going to be playing out of the entertainment system. What would you pick? Love Actually. Okay, yes. Because Love Actually, Christ, right. You know in London you get those stalls that sell stuff for tourists? Yes. With like I Heart London.

A classic London Manchester United cap. Yeah, and Keep Calm and London. Yeah, yeah, okay. All that stuff. And I feel like Love Actually was sort of made by the British tourist industry to then be sold on stands like this. Such is the awful saccharine image

of British life that it gives. I mean, Hugh Grant is Prime Minister. Let that sink in. I've got nothing against Hugh Grant. I think, actually, he can be quite a good comic actor, right? To think that the Prime Minister's doing anything other than just waking up with a sense of dread, look in the mirror and just hate himself.

But it's almost like, what's his name? Richard Curtis, isn't it? It's his horrible idea of what Britain looks like, where he goes, oh, who could be better as prime minister than lovely Hugh Grant? Yeah. And there's a bit at the beginning, I remember when it came out,

and I went with my ex-girlfriend to go and see it at the cinema. She wasn't my ex at the time, and that would be really weird. Why would you put yourself through that? Go meet up with your ex and watch Love Actually. Yeah. No, I wouldn't do that. But meet up with your ex and watch Love Actually. No, I wouldn't do that. But it was new. We went to see it.

And there's a bit at the beginning. Like, it wasn't that long ago after 9-11, right? So, I don't know. It would have been like two or three years after 9-11. And there's a bit in it where Hugh Grant's narrating at the beginning. He's like, oh, you know, love's all around us. Hey, you know when people were phoning messages off the plane that crashed into the Twin Tower? None of them were sending messages of hate.

They were all sending messages of love. You're like, well, what? Like, yeah, shoehorn a bloody terrorist incident into your love narrative, you cretin. What's that got to do with it? Of course I was going like imagine if i was on that plane about to crash into the twin towers and i'm phoning up davina mccall going bloody hell i hate davina mccall you're a bitch like of course no human is gonna

do that it doesn't mean there's not still loads of awful things in the world it doesn't mean that love conquers all i mean i hope it does but do you know what I mean? It's that horrible... They're drawing you in and they're making... What they're saying is all those people just like, on the brink of death are like, you know, oh, look at them. Oh, it's so sad. But they were just full of love. Yeah, that plane wasn't full of love.

It was full of terror and anguish and fear. Yeah. You know what I mean? You can't say that. Irresponsible man. I feel like that's enough reason to put that on as a desert island dick but it's also just a crap film yeah like other richard curtis films of that genre that sort of trilogy there's uh notting hill yeah which i think is fine it's not a bad film for that genre i think it's totally fine uh four weddings and funeral again it's fine

yeah no problems with that but he's taken he got carried away it's like he went oh i know what the public like and he just ramped it up to 11 yeah you know like tied it up in a massive bow and went here here's like this is my magnum opus of like sugary crap. Yeah, okay. That people are going to remember me by. And there's bits like, that are just awful. Have you seen it? I have seen it, yeah. So there's a bit where a guy's getting married and his best mate is just constantly mean to his fiancée

and they just don't get on. And it's, oh, this is awkward. It's Keira Knightley. Yes. Angular-faced Keira knightley yes and he angular faced kira knightley yeah and um and in the end it turns out that he just he's infatuated by her yeah which is a creepy which is creepy and then he does the thing where he stands outside and he puts on a song and he shows a card going oh i really love you don't say anything but I had to tell you kind of thing. So number one, if you fancy your best mate's girl,

just be nice to her. How old are you that you're just mean because she's in love with your friend? He's your friend. You've still got to be nice to both of them. That's your stuff to work out. It's not a nice situation to be in. I've been in a situation where I fancied

the girlfriend of one of my mates in the past. It's not pleasant, but you just deal with it okay yeah don't breathe the word because how is it going to end well no no you either make three people unhappy or you deal with it yourself and one person i'll tell you a great way to deal with it dan would just be to turn up to her house while her boyfriend sat in the living room and hold up cards that say how much you love her if you found out your best mate had done that? That's like... You'd be pissed off.

That's like you're basically inciting her to go and cheat. Even if you're going, oh, but I had to tell her. How's that going to affect the bloody relationship afterwards? But in love actually, oh, but it's all about love. Oh, it's fine. It's cute. It's not fine. And it's just stuff like that all the way through.

It's not okay. It's this stupid stuff like that all the way through. It's not okay. It's this stupid skewed image of both love and Britain. And I like love and I like Britain. Yeah. So shut up, Richard Curtis. And isn't there a bit where the dad is encouraging his seven-year-old kid to go out with some other kid? Something like that. I think that's quite weird as well.

Do they also have the thing, I can't remember, do they also do that weird thing where there's kids getting their parents to get together with someone? Ah, maybe that's it instead. That device gets used in adverts these days when it's like, oh, I'm cooking dad dinner so he can impress this girl. Or like, there was a Just For Men ad

where there was a little girl trying to get her dad to look younger so he could ensnare a hot new mum. So weird. Kids should be disgusted about what their parents get up to in their affairs of the heart. That's how it should stay. I don't care how modern we are as a society. I don't want kids setting up their parents.

Yeah, I know. I'm there. I'm with you, Dan. OK, I think that's fine. I think Love Actually over and over again. And as well, I'm assuming this desert island is sort of in the middle of summertime.

You don't need to be watching it. Wasn't it voted the nation's number one Christmas film or something like that? Yeah. That's what the nation want. They want Brexit

and Love Actually and Ed Sheeran. Davina McCall loves Love Actually. You know she does. And she loves Ed Sheeran. She loves Ed Sheeran. She loves Ed Sheeran. And, you know, just every now and again, a bit of Jason Statham.

And Ed Sheeran's the sort of person who only writes music to get girls. So with that in mind, he would love Love Actually. Yes. I think at this rate, they're going to all conspire to kill you off. Yeah, they will. Yeah.

Okay, so Love Actually's there. And to end, the island is overrun with the biggest dick of all the animals. And which animal is that? Leeches. Leeches?

Not the biggest dick. Okay. Because, and the thing is, this is a bad one to put in because if you're in a survival situation, they can be quite useful,

can't they? I think they eat dead flesh and they somehow do something good for you. Used for medical reasons. Yeah, they are be quite useful, can't they? I think they eat dead flesh and they somehow do something good for you. Used for medical reasons. Yeah, they are. And they're useful. And I can't stand them. And I've had, I've had like contact with leeches. When?

Well, because I'm a very middle class man. Okay. So of course, I went to India on my gap year. Yeah. And I was in the jungle. and there were leeches everywhere. We just went on this lovely little trek for a day through the jungle, and someone behind me went,

oh, God, there's leeches, and I looked down at my feet, and they were covered in them. And they're not like the big ones that you think of. You know, like on telly, they're really massive. These were like... Did you say you were barefoot? No no I had like flip-flops on right okay in the jungle in the jungle it wasn't a proper it was like a walk through the jungle

it wasn't a trek yeah yeah oh come on who am I kidding but um they were ever okay so they were maybe like a couple of inches long but they get bigger when they're on you because they suck up all your blood right and they I hate anything that sort of pulsates in that way that maggots do. But they do that. And they're so slimy that if you try and pull them out, which you're not supposed to do, you're supposed to do something else, you can't grip hold of them properly to pull them out. So they slip through your fingers.

You don't even want to touch them, but you have to get them off. And I think you can put salt on them or burn them off with cigarettes, but I didn't have enough cigarettes. Or I don't know who carries salt, right? And the thing is, they move fast somehow. I don't know how they do it, but they can really move these little suckers. Oh, that's horrible. And also, they're like, how do I describe this so that audio listeners can

visualise? They'll like, they sort of like reach out for you. Like, they'll be on a leaf, right? And they'll be stuck there by their arse. And their top half is like wiggling around. Looking for you. Yeah, like in the air. Oh, that's horrible.

So you just have to brush past them and it's like. And they're on. And they're on. And when you pull them off, you're bleeding because they do this thing to stop your blood coagulating. That's why they're useful. They stop your blood clotting so they can drink it quicker. Great word as well, Dan.

Thanks. You could try and scoop up a few and chuck them at Ed Sheeran. Yeah, but you couldn't because they would just stick to your hand. Oh, that is a nightmare animal. And the joke's on you, Dan, said Ed Sheeran, smugly. As he strums his chair guitar. As I run screaming into the sea

with my leech hands. Honestly, they're so foul. Well, thank you, Dan, for sharing that with us and thank you for sharing your Desert Island Dicks. No, thank you. It's been cathartic. No? Okay, well us and thank you for sharing your Desert Island Dicks No thank you, it's been cathartic No, yeah. Okay well thank you, this has been Desert Island Dicks for this week and be sure to listen to next week

where we'll have another person on to share their Desert Island Dicks Thank you Dan. Thank you