Desert Island Dicks - DAN TIERNAN

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

The incredibly talented Dan Tiernan joins us to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Dan Tiernan. Hello. Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm very, very well.

Very well. Oh, right. Okay, good. Very well is nice. I don't often get a very, very well. Yeah, that's it. I think because we say well when that doesn't mean anything, when you're actually feeling good, you've got to really emphasise it. Yeah.

But now I've overreacted. I'm not doing that well, actually. You've had to put up with me setting you up on this. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I was doing very, very well. And then you started recording this. I spent 11 minutes looking for headphones. Yeah, now I'm streaming'm just it's true um okay so on that note considering you do are doing very well you have crash landed

on a desert island and potentially going to spend your rest of your days there with some awful people and things how have you chose um how have you found choosing the people and things that you're stuck with on Desert Island? Yeah, it is difficult. I feel like this process has made me realize I'm quite a positive person because everything I was trying to think of, I was like, I like most things and people, I think. Yeah. But then when I did think of someone that there was a dick it would bring this sort of rage so it is there it is there it's nice though it's good thing to learn

about yourself right that you are actually quite a positive person yeah yeah yeah no it's it's nice to know that you're not full of hatred but then i imagine doing this is probably nice if you are someone who realizes you hate everyone and you like end up bringing 10 not three yeah well we get a lot of people that sneak a few more yeah people sneak a few more through the door all the time they're like i was going to mention this person this person this person but we'll go with this this one honorable mentions yeah yeah honorable mentions yeah we do get them yeah yeah um okay then very interested to hear who's going to be the first choice for your desert island so the first um the first person on the desert island when i first started trying to

think of people that i thought were dicks, I tried to think of times I'd been wronged in my life. And the first thing that came up was in my head instantly, and I've not thought about this in a while, was I think I was maybe 17, and I went to my first kind of like, it was to see Disclosure actually, and I'd never been to a gig like that.

And I used to been to a gig like that. And I used to collect gig tickets, all of the gig tickets that I went to. And at this one, you went in and you put your gig ticket, you got rid of it. But then on the way out, if you were going to go for a cigarette, they'd give you your gig ticket back so you could get back in. But it wouldn't be your one. It would be like any random one.

And as we were leaving, me and my mate got our random ticket back to keep us assuming and knowing it wouldn't be our one it would be like any random one and as we were leaving me and my mate got our got our random ticket back to keep us assuming and knowing it wouldn't be our one but amazingly my ticket was the same number as the one i came in so it's like a one in you know two thousand chance or something and i was like oh like buzzing about it and then some guy just walked past and just grabbed it off me, nicked it off me. And then fucked off. Completely worthless to him. Completely of no value. But could see it was of a value to me.

So fought it. And he wasn't with any mates or anything that it would have been. They'd laugh. It was just for his own amusement. Yeah. He thought. That is an awful, awful, he clearly hated me. He hated me.

But then again, if I was at a gig and I saw me as like 17, like, this is the same number, it's 28, I'd be like, oh, what a horrible little brat.

I do get that, but that guy's clearly troubled. Yeah. And I've never had a chance to kind of actually talk about this because at the time my mates were like,

what are you on about? Like, chill out, it's a ticket. It means, it means nothing. Yeah. yeah but it it doesn't mean nothing the ticket at this point meant nothing though to me the ticket didn't mean at this point the ticket didn't mean anything to me at this point i'm just absolutely outraged at this dick why so yeah he's on the island i love that i love that that's where your brain went because i obviously that had an lasting effect on you i don't know what age you are now but like

well it's just senseless isn't it i think it's like it's like killing an ad it's like such a so destructive for no reward you know and i think a lot of us as kids have that like and we have to learn that it's not healthy. And I think that is what makes a dick, you know. No, I think you're right. I think that is genuinely dickish behaviour. Like, for why? Let someone have their joy for a moment, no matter what that may be.

Do you know what I mean? Okay, wow. Yeah, and on the island, I think to be slightly pedantic, is that you're on the island and it's the first time you've built a fire and you've got a really nice little thing going and you've got all your little bits at the bottom and you're building your wood up and he just comes over and kicks it over. He just, yeah, exactly.

Doesn't even try and ignite his own thing first. He's senseless, a moron. Yeah, I'm going to kill him. You're going to be wild. It's Lord of the Flies already. What are you going to do? We're on an island, mate. We're on an island.

Yeah, that's it. So did you collect a lot of gig tickets then? Have you got loads? No, I'm a bit, I'm quite faddish. And particularly when I was younger, I would always just go through like various fads or phases uh yeah i never i'm not the sort of guy that would ever acquire a collection you know but i've tried to collect loads of things over the years like coins and whatnot yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm the same i just like will concentrate on one thing and it will be my world for like

a few months and then all of a sudden it's sat in a corner and just never used again yeah and then on to the next thing yeah and i convince myself that that's like something that everyone does but at least me and you do that so that's okay yeah yeah yeah yeah just like uh it is crazy because at the time though i always think oh no this is my new thing like this is the most exciting thing yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's great i'm cold plunging at the moment there's a where i've moved there's a there's a cold swimming pool and uh in brockwell park yeah so i've been going in there in the morning and i've done it three times in the last week and it's become my identity i think and it's the worst identity to have actually i think that's the sort of behavior i bet someone has someone

had on does it and it's like i'm gonna end up on an island if i'm not careful i've never had a cold plunger are you like i swear by this now is that no i like, I'm not a morning guy at all. I can't get up. I'm because I moved into a house show with my mates. They've got me up at like 8am or whatever to, to go for like swim. And it just wakes me.

I've never felt more awake like in the morning, but there's, I think there is the reason that annoys people is because I think people think there's like a righteousness to it. And like, this will change life and it's like no it won't that's just an unpleasant thing and i'm not a freak like i'm not gonna do that yeah that's great though i like uh i can imagine that you you're like looking up your next warm beanie online to wear whilst you're plunging your body into the water that kind of thing right exactly i'll have a flask yeah yeah yeah there's like lots of groups of very judgmental women there actually oh really yeah but they kind of judge you in a way that it's like uh

it it's very british passive it comes across they try to i guess maybe the genuine intention is they don't want people to die in the freezing cold water but you'll sometimes get kind of told off by a judgmental woman for for you know you like like being too cold or whatever all right i've had friends friends who said that they've had they were like you're too cold you're you're you're really cold like freaking out like you're trying to make them concerned. And it's like, yeah, I've just gotten a nine-degree fucking water. Sorry for being cold. I knew what I was signing up for.

Yeah, fair enough. Have you got a dry robe on order, ready to go? Do you know what I mean? No, I've not got any equipment yet. The fad, my fads always die before I make any, like, purchase. I think if I was to make a purchase for the faddle my fads always die before i make any like purchase i think if i was to make a purchase for the fad then that would kill it that alone i remember once my mom bought me i was running a bit and my mom bought me some running shoes as a gift and i never ran again now i didn't run for years i love that okay um all. So just to double back the,

so it's the gig ticket stealing, man. Just to steal any joy, any joy that you're having at any given moment. Like sometimes theft, like I get it, it's not right, but sometimes it's like, fair enough. Or not even fair enough. Like I can see that you attempted how much you needed that and you decided to put away your regard for how i would

feel but when it is literally you gain nothing and the act is purely to make the other person feel bad madness that's out of order yeah yeah i'm with you i'm with you okay sorry you riled me up again i know sorry sorry people tend to people tend to leave this podcast either with catharsis or more pissed off for the day. So we'll see by the end of this how this ends for you. So a great first choice. Thank you very much, Dan. Who's going to be your second choice?

Right. So this is a guy. There is one particular guy that I've got in mind for this. But anyone who does this this man was on the tube and to be fair to him it's not just his fault because this has been building up for me for a long time i get a lot of trains right and when people put it's standard stuff but when people put their bag on a seat fair enough if it's like i understand people would not want their bags on the floor but when it's a packed train and there's clearly people without seats and you're you're you're you're you're yeah

you you think your bag is more important than human life for some reason that i'm not even bothered about a seat just weird like the disregard like but also to not mind that people think you're being so selfish. You're like, yeah, I am, but I want this. And often it tends to be like people like with a massive suitcase and you can tell they think, well, there's nowhere else for me to put it. And I think, yeah, there is with you, like, like stood up in a vestibule. You cannot, you rather have no seats than have such a poor letter cut. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's out of order. It is out of order. Even if you don't want that seat, it's like someone like might want that seat. And it's like, your bag is not that important. Do you know what I mean? Just put it on your lap. And some trains at the moment, I don't want to be dramatic, but they are biblically full.

Oh yeah, it's crazy. Because of all the cancellations. It's like you're in a in another world like yeah one of my least favorite things is when you get on the train and your movement is so restricted i just can't i can't do deal with it it stresses me out it's just like i've only got this thing and i can only sit diagonally do you know what i mean yeah stand diagonally and i'm like leaning I mean? Yeah. Stand diagonally. And I'm like leaning and I'm like, this is the most uncomfortable I think I've ever been.

Yeah. You can't move. It's a nightmare. I think that's, I've got dyspraxia, which affects spatial awareness and stuff. And I think the way I know, one of the times I'm like, no, this is definitely a thing that I have, is when I'm like stood on a busy train because people think i'm

rude and that like i just can't tell where people are i'm hurting people i'm knocking old ladies over i'm spilling coffee on them afterwards you absolutely should be laughing i want to be on a busy train with you now i could deal with this support yeah yeah yeah yeah just i would just be with you on it i just would be laughing along and other people would be like why is that man laughing yeah i am no i think this yeah it's a good choice those people there's a special place in hell for someone like that how how do you not have that part of your brain that is like i i should i should move this like it should be there you should be thinking i should move this for someone that's like it's just i don't understand how you how you don't have that part of you no i don't know maybe it is maybe it is a genuine miss like

i think if you genuinely don't know i think that is more genuine miss. Like, I think if you genuinely don't know, I think that is more okay. And in some cases, people are a bit mindless with stuff. But when there's a decision to... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you know, and I guess a lot of the time with something like that, it's like, you must know what you did.

To take it back to the island, it's like, you've all made your beds up, right, and he's made his next to yours, and he just every night just, like, decides to fall asleep, but just, like, with his leg across your bed. Yeah. Or something like that. It's like, or like. Or just use your duvet. Use your duvet.

Both duvets. Oh, what, did you want to. Yeah. Oh, what, can I not just use all of the comfort? No. No, yeah, exactly. He's stacked up both mattresses. He's got your duvets, your hot water bottle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like your... Yeah, exactly. Your pyjamas, aren't they? Oh, did you want to wear these? Yeah. You wanted to wear your one. Yeah.

Your half of the pyjamas. Yeah, you wanted them. Yeah. So why... I'm guessing. This is a particular person I saw doing this was on the tube. I think I was in a very bad mood, actually. Yeah. And the worst bit is,

it wasn't even a particular like, like busy tube as well. But this guy, i hated him anyway just like i could tell he thought he was he had all of the gear he had like some mad like like outlandish outfit on like really expensive headphones just in his own world just like like thought he was the main main character syndrome galore main character and then I really like expensive designer suitcase, but I need to explain this. He could have had it. This is what I would have done with it.

It wasn't that, that huge. They wasn't that big. He could have had it just in front of him on the tube between his legs. Right. Like in that, and then sort of adjusted it if people wanted, but instead he's got it

on the disabled seats and then he's like locked his arm around it as if to say this is where my bag is so then there's people standing around him and stuff and yeah i i really i was like you're a dick like you are a stressful situation such a stressful situation i hate that yeah are you um are you traveling on trains all the time for gigs is that what yeah that's what yeah right okay are you up and down the country yeah i mean i've just moved to london a week ago yeah from manchester but i was uh when i was in manchester i was like basically traveling to london at least once a week and then sort of traveling where i'm here there and everywhere as well um but now i'm still yeah like i've had like basically traveling to London at least once a week and then sort of traveling here, there and everywhere as well.

Um, but now I'm still, yeah, like I've had, I've not, I've been in London last week, but then I'm back in Manchester today. Uh, yeah.

Oh, right. It's just the way it goes. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So I'll be on a train in a bit, probably realizing all the other dicks i should

have talked about i was gonna say you you must be experiencing all the type of trained people because there's a lot isn't it like that the etiquette can be off sometimes you know um okay all right i think a solid second choice two great dicks and who's going to be a third choice so i've got two again something that i've come across a lot but i've got two particular people who did this to me recently in mind but it's basically when someone works for a big fast food chain no not necessarily a fast food chain a big company that turn over a lot of money and they there're so much of a job's worth that they follow procedure to the point that it like is bad on their fellow man they prioritize procedure over their fellow man even though they could easily not follow procedure and if they prioritize are you that

bothered about yeah so my examples of this recently were really like delayed train really was it delayed irrelevant maybe it wasn't let's say it wasn't it was not delayed let's work it's still bad even if it wasn't so i don't want to lie i don't want to risk lying uh train like i i've been sleeping on the chair and then I'm, like, really thirsty. And then go to really dehydrated and then go to the shop. And it's, like, 30 minutes left before the end of the journey. And she's just like, sorry, we closed the shop. And I'm like, oh, I just wanted to get some water. And there is honestly so much water around, like, this woman.

There could not be more, like, like bottles of water and she wouldn't sell me a bottle of water and i didn't make more fuss about it i just left but afterwards i was like that is unbelievable isn't it like it's like a necessity yeah and i'm not well i don't want it for free like i want to buy a bottle of water for nine pounds please like yeah so that that that because she could have did with me the procedure has got so into your head you forget oh no i can do that if i actually remember how my brain was initially wired before i started working for avanti it's like yeah yeah avanti procedure is not the priority the priority is there's a bloke give him a bottle of water you're a fully grown woman you've got no manners

half an hour yeah that's mad yeah you i'm with you on that it's just um that is such jobs worth behavior that's wild yeah okay and who's the other example um again these are this is more, but it still annoys me. No, mate, we're in a McDonald's drive-thru the other day. We go through. It's £4.99. Bob on. Right, right.

And I think I give her, like, a £20 note or something. And then she says, have we got a penny? And I'm like no and then we looked for ages and i'm just like how is the fucking penny like how is the penny and then she then just gives us like the biggest handful of change you've ever seen in your entire yeah that's awful for a penny for a penny I hate that

I hate that and it's not that big a deal it's only changed would have changed but it would have been a tiny bit helpful I know

maybe the cards make it less personal I feel like she wouldn't have been able to look me in the eye I was in the back seat as well so I'm not saying it was just me like yeah she wouldn't have been able to look me in the eye. I was in the back seat as well. So I'm not saying it was just me.

Like, yeah, she wouldn't have been able to look me in the eye. It's just like people don't make those allowances for you in life sometimes. Do you know what I mean? And it's just like I've been in the same situation where you're like 5p short or whatever, and they're like, oh, I'm not going to be able to do it. And I'm like, come on, man. I'm like at the tilt. I'm just getting a few items.

I'm getting a little sandwich, a meal deal, whatever. Put your own 5p in. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Top the till up at the end. Yeah, yeah. I know you're not allowed to do it. And maybe the real enemy here is actually the chains

that are making people like this. That's probably the truthful thing. People are probably like, well, I won't retain you. You might get sacked for something so small. But it is just annoying. No, it's true. Do you know what? You are right because, like, just to acknowledge the fact that I don't work

for one of those companies and you don't work for one of those companies, but I have worked for companies like that in the past. Me too, yeah. And I wasn't that guy. And so I feel like it's okay to be good to people in the interest of the human being over the massive profit-making company yeah i remember when i used to work at subway and uh i remember a guy i was working with was dead sound and a guy came in and was like hey lads bit cheek question, but could you heat up my chow mein?

And I was like stunned. And I was like, I don't know. And then the guy was like, yeah, of course we can mate. And just slapped it in for him. And I was like, that was a lesson for me. I was like, you can still be nice. Even though technically you're not going to do that. No one's here.

Like it's fine like he up his chow mein it's a minor it's such a minor and it does him such a solid as well yeah yeah he's got warm lunch now you know what i mean yeah yeah if you feel like that's such a that's such a better feeling than turning down and the guy walking off isn't it yeah exactly i love that yeah yeah oh this is good also so say that person um that you crashed on the island with maybe they worked for the airline right and you're there and you're like right we've got to get in the cargo hold and just like we've got to find what food and stuff and she's she and and they're like um no that's actually still the property

of British Airways and so I don't think we should go in there and you're like hang on a minute we're starving yeah yeah yeah still like trying to enforce the policy even when we're on the go yeah yeah yeah you're desperately trying to find like

some Smyrn off ice minis or whatever to get you through she's like oh right she's like oh i don't know because um they will do a stock check if they ever find yeah yeah yeah yeah something like that yeah yeah that's great um okay this is a good choice three solid choices i'd say thank you very much dan now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad i kind of have two answers for this because basically i actually like and this is again i

was saying why this was a positive experience is i like everything i like i do like i like all food apart from baked beans that's the one food I wouldn't eat out of choice. Like, I really don't like beans. It's a whole thing. But I was kind of thinking, go on, do you want to ask? No, no, I just want to ask about the beans. Yeah, I know. Is that from an experience?

Yeah, it actually is. Go on, go on. Right, so for years, I'm better now, but I used to not only not eat them but actually really like phobia is a strong word but like really disliked being in their presence yeah uh like if they took more on my plate i couldn't i need a new plate like stuff like that like i'm much i'm fine now like i even ate some beans recently, like on stage, but that's another story again.

Uh, but, uh, for years, I used to say I had a phobia of them. And then also at the same time, it was a family story and I'd never connected the two, which was like when me and my sister were tiny kids,

I was four. She was like, you know, just a baby my uh mum opened the fridge we were playing together on the floor and half a tin of beans fell out the fridge and landed on phoebe's head and obviously the impacts made her cry there's beans everywhere and i thought her head had exploded and it's like maybe like a core memory of mine like i can still remember it now it's like maybe one of the earliest memories i ever had

and did you only realize that recently yeah that was like a few years ago i realized that yeah how much that yeah that is mad uh was it like a massive light bulb moment when you put two and two together like yeah yeah and it made me feel better about like being a weirdo about beans because i was like oh yeah do you like everything just not things i don't mind beans on stuff i've had beans loads of times but i do get it is a slightly odd that grows like on a plant and then you stick it in some like bean juice very like odd juice like i i don't get these are you see we're accidentally getting a dick here but like uh no yeah yeah people believe ridicule me like how do you not like beans i would never someone didn't like egg or stilton or i would never ever be like how i can see that like you

know and it's a weird food so So I think it's completely reasonable. And we only eat it here as well. And we're freaks. Yeah, we are, yeah. We could go down a whole road of British cuisine. Like, it's wild. Like, when people come over, like, I've known American people come over and they're like, I really want to try a pie.

And I'm like, i think pie is fine but like like just go out and treat yourself to some italian food or something yeah don't eat yeah it's fine um sorry so beans wasn't even going to be a choice but well it kind of is my real choice i don't know if i'm going to be articulate i would honestly eat so many foods so even if you go down the route, as maybe people have, of choosing the worst foods ever, you know, like that rotten fish or whatever. But for me, the genuine worst thing would be brain, I think. That's like eating brain just freaks me out of any kind. That's normal, right?

But I'm such a, I'm such a i'm such a like what's not laid back i will eat i will eat and try everything but brain i wouldn't do you know what i mean there's stuff that like that are similar like any kind of like internal organs that i couldn't eat liver would you yeah i'd have a go at some liver, yeah, I reckon. I've eaten that chicken before, yeah. No, I couldn't do that, yeah. But brain, so like, in what scenario are you eating the brain then? What scenario am I eating it? Yeah.

What, on the island, you mean? Oh, you mean like you've resorted to cannibalism? No, no, no. What I mean is that I i believe and i should have done my research that in some like cultures they do eat grain don't they i don't know how they cook it but it's a delicacy i believe like uh right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so uh that would be the worst even out so i think beans is my real answer but then out of all the worst foods brain would be the worst one so that's even when you put like i'm trying to think of those like oh actually no maybe it wouldn't maybe that's a

nonsense because i'd still think i'd maybe rather have brain than one of those what those eggs call they call that infinite do you know what i'm talking about fermented eggs correct yeah that the they put they inject it with like soy sauce and put it underground yeah yeah that's that's wild that is rotten yeah yeah yeah i think i'd still rather that than brain though yeah actually i've been to thailand it's delicacy the fermented egg and i just honestly i was it's like i think it's the closest I've come to, like, eating something, like, just. Have you eaten it? I don't know.

It was crazy. I tried it. I tried the fermented egg. Yeah. Is it really the worst thing you've ever eaten? I would say it's up there. Yeah. Along with, for me, I can't eat liver.

Oh, awful. Yeah. Yeah, that's a wild taste to me. That is like, yeah, but the fermented egg was bad. I swear they inject it or like poke a hole, put soy sauce in. Yeah, I didn't know that. Put them underground in the cold to ferment for a while. I wish I could remember what they were called.

Do you mind? I don't know. Okay, brain and baked beans. Immediately, that is rank. That is like an awful, awful choice, I'd say. Yeah, maybe brain with baked beans on it. I think that's the truly worst. Oh, okay.

Yeah, one dish. It's like we're just before lunch at the minute, and it's really like, yeah, that's grim. What are you washing it down with? What's the worst drink? A pint of milk, please. Oh, okay. I'm thinking specifically Desert Island.

It's going to be warm. Yeah, warm. A pint of, no. What about milk in a, like warm milk in a bottle, you know, in like a Coke cherry bottle. Oh, yeah, that is disgusting. Do you not have milk anyway? No, I have milk in stuff.

I really don't mind it. But, you know, when your parents give you weird habits, like my mum hates milk. Like she'll have it in tea, the thought of drinking of one of us drinking like a pint of milk would knock her sick so it's just sort of in us so now me and my sister just like when we see people like drink a pint of milk we're like what the fuck is that that is some serial killer shit like it's completely shocking to me just because we just never never did it yeah no no i i i remember when i was younger uh like if i was really hung over from my friends i might

i might buy a pint of milk from a shop and drink it on the way home is that wild yeah i hate that nah but again it's each to their own like i i i contradict my earlier point by being like you know it's like yeah if you like that good for you like uh embrace it but for me personally no way i'm thinking of me going to the shop hungover and buying a half pint of milk that size not good disgusting okay yeah i think like the combination as well is like, you've only got brain beans and milk to have for the rest of your life. That is, I think I've done well there.

That's a truly. I think that's hellish. That's a shit meal. That's a shit meal. You won't pay for that. It's like the opposite of doing off men. Yeah. I was literally going to say.

If you're listening guys. Yeah. um right okay this is great yeah yeah i agree that's an awful meal okay thank you very much dan now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but i'm but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why um so my song uh annoyingly i don't know the name of this version but i'll set the scene i went on a trip with my good friend paddy young who's an amazing comedian uh to america trip of a lifetime uh that's great. We were in Chicago and we were eating,

like, this is a lot of detail, but like a gyros salad, right? And it was delicious. And we were having a really nice time. And

this song came on, like this kind of, like, the radio there. And it was basically a cover slash remix of wonderwall uh by oasis but it was like an american singing which for me as a monk like out of manchester was just like insane and then the

the version of the song the song complete was like a summery house song. So it was like dropping with an American voice singing Win the War. And I thought, that is the worst song I've ever heard. They've done it. I've done it. They had like a drop. Yeah. A summery like dancey drop with an American voice singing Wonderwall.

And I thought, that's the worst song I've ever heard in my life. Have you ever found it again? No. I tried to find it last night and I couldn't find it. Do you think, like, do you think Oasis, do you think the Gallaghers are getting paid for that? They must be. I reckon.

I don't really know how licensing works, but you'd think. If it's a big song, then yeah. Then yeah, definitely. But I'm wondering if they have to okay it, or do you know what I mean? No way. They wouldn't have okayed this. Was it that bad? It's just like the antithesis of like oasis you know what i mean like yeah so yeah that's wild that is wild i mean so so you're you're a mank you're a big oasis fan

ah like i'm not a big oasis fan i'm an oasisasis fan. But it's just such an abomination that you can't abide. You don't have to be a big fan. Paddy was like proper, he was being like too... Well, no, it's like everyone's a fan of... Everyone in Manchester really either hates Oasis or loves them. And I definitely think I fall into the love category. It's just compared to probably most people who love Oasis I don't know that much but like

I definitely like them and it's just such a manx they're just such a manx band so to hear it's even bizarre to me like that people in America know who they are never mind and they massively do they're huge

there but never mind like yeah to have this song that yeah like paddy was saying like giving me like would you rather and one of them was like would you rather like punch that woman over there or have that song as every bit of me the only bit of music you can use in your edinburgh show like where i and i thought about it james i thought about it oh that's great i love that i love yeah i was quite pleased to be asked to choose to choose a song i hated i was like yes yeah that's. You finally get to put it on the album. Exactly, yeah. Okay, so Dan, what's going to be your film choice? So this is a film that when I saw illegally as a kid, it's The Orphan, it's called.

So this is when I was like hanging around with like a new group at the time, but now we're like my best mates. But we were sort of insecure lads and we were, you know, you know when you see boys up to no good on the street and you're like yeah yeah yeah they're up to no good that that was us uh we were always like uh we went to i think we were quite young we were maybe like i think how old were so it's like i think it was a 15 and we were maybe 12 something like that yeah we did the thing of saying to you go to one film and then screen jumping to another film uh so we could get past the age thing and i thought i was like hard as nails doing that at the time and then this film, The Orphan, where the plot is, this is a spoiler.

So switch off now if you want The Orphan to be spoiled. It turns out this family adopt a child because they want another child, but they can't have one. So they adopt this little girl and turns out to be a 30 year old woman that's been moving through families for like her whole life killing them all and there was something about a little girl actually being a woman i did not sleep honestly like i was like crying and like i distressed me. Like my mum, I had to tell my mum about it. I was so scared. Oh, no.

It ruined me. Wow. Yeah. That's mad. It's a scary film. Right. I haven't seen this film. No.

So I'm like. Because normally I tell people, they go, oh, yeah, I've seen that. And then I tell them that the, and they're like, what? I haven't seen that. That is wild. That is wild. So it's a 30-year-old woman that looks young. Yeah.

And she's... She looks like a kid. She looks like a child. But she's actually, yeah. I'm looking now, and stop me if I'm wrong. Oh, no. Is this based on a true story? No, don't tell me it is.

I fucking hope it's not. Is it? Because there's a picture of a woman. When I click the link, it says, the true horrifying story that inspired the orphan film. Oh, my God. Is it true? That's grim.

Oh, you scare me more now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't even know that. I'm glad you didn't tell an 11-year-old me that. I know. I know.

I see what you're saying, but also the part of it that's brilliant in a way, sorry, is that like you guys were like, oh, we're out. I mean, we're going to sneak into this scary film with like,

and then it really affected you so much. But they all said, they all were like, that wasn't scary at this scary film with like, and then it really affected you so much. But they all said, they all were like, that wasn't scary at all. Oh, damn it. I was like, had to pretend.

Until you got high. Yeah, that was nothing. That was nothing. But it's in action. In fact, that film had a deep effect on me. You can never trust anyone.

Can't look at my mates. I'm like, are you a 50 year old bloke called john like i have no idea yeah yeah i can't get changed in front of you after football i mean just in case um this is this is a good choice yeah i mean also to circle back as i always do, to the island, it's like, this is your only source of entertainment. So it's like, do you? It's scary just knowing that it's there. Do you know what I mean?

It's scary knowing that that's available to watch in that room. Yeah. What's even more weird is if you click on it now, the actor that played the orphan child is now obviously much older but still kind of just looks like a child and that was that film came out what 14 years yeah 15 years ago and thank you very much dan and finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why the biggest dick animal and i might be saying this wrong. Well, I'll tell you this. I don't like birds.

All right? I just rarely like them. They're weird. I don't know. They look sideways. They scare me. Their beaks look painful. I got bit by a goose as a kid once.

I don't like them. And the worst one for me that I've met is an ibis. Oh, wow. Do you know what an ibis is james yeah i might be saying it wrong it might be ibis yeah yeah yeah oh yeah with what with the long beak yeah they're also known in australia as bin chickens and to describe how would you describe it? It's kind of like a big goose, right? Yeah. A big goose with a long neck and then a really long beak,

like a really long beak. Like looks like one of those things during the plague that they have. You know those? Yes. Like the longest beak and they eat and they follow you around. They're very confident. So they come over to you and go through your stuff and that. They're nasty. I hate them.

The head looks like a pickaxe. Do you know what I mean? It's like the worst thing ever. Everyone always talks about that in Australia. The first time I saw one, we went christmas to stay in like quite a tropical area and one of them flew past and i got my phone out to film it because i was like what the fuck is that and then it turns out they're just like a really common pest like wow yeah uh that. That is wild to me that they're everywhere. That is prehistoric looking.

Yeah. It's weird. Bizarre. Bizarre. Yeah, yeah. Imagine you're on the island and it's overrun with these things. There's like hundreds of them. Yeah.

Oh, no. Really? Are they like, so they call them bin chickens. Are they like the seagull of Australia are they like yeah I'd say in certain parts of Australia they're as common as pigeons

like they're fucking wow yeah oh it's funny when you search bin chicken there's some really gross looking ones as well like like shabby london pigeon looking ones mate this is an this is an awful choice i've never heard of this before yeah um brilliant yeah um i think a solid choice i would absolutely hate oh my god there's a picture here of one next to a seagull. It is massive.

They're big. They're big. It's big. They're big, big, big. That's what I mean. They're not annoying. They're scary. They're scary.

Imagine a scary pigeon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're big and they're strong. Dan. Yeah. This is a horrific choice and it rounds off like the hellish, a very hellish island. If there's a million of them on that island,

that's a bad island, isn't it? I think. That is, that is. Imagine trying to kill and eat one. So we, we did used to plot about that.

Yeah. I think you probably could. And I think they might taste all right. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. One redeeming feature. Dan,

this has been great fun. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you too. One redeeming feature. Dan, this has been great fun. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you, James. It's been great. And you're doing stuff. You're busy. I saw you on TV the other day. Oh, nice.

It was great. It was so funny, man. I loved it. On Sound Up To Cancer, I thought it was brilliant. I know you had, like you said, you had a shorter segment than you would have liked, but I thought it was great. I thought it was really funny.

Well, thank you so much, Dan. Thanks for joining me. Thanks, James. Thanks, James.