Desert Island Dicks - DANE BAPTISTE

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

Comedian Dane Baptiste joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. I'm standing in my kitchen to record this, and you might be able to hear my dishwasher in the background,

so sorry about that. But, you know, what can I say? I like to keep a tight ship. This episode features comedian Dane Baptiste. And spoiler alert, he's really good. If you're new to this podcast, then don't forget there are loads of others in our back catalogue, like Richard Herring, Sophie Hagen, Tom Allen, Jade Adams, Sam Delaney, and some that aren't even comedians, like former Home Secretary Jackie Smith.

Yeah, curveball. The point is, there are loads to get stuck into, and if you subscribe to this podcast, you'll get all of them straight to your phone, so you'll never miss an episode. So it's a good idea. And if, after all that, you're so excited about this podcast that you have to tell the world,

then please feel free to do just that. Or make it simpler and just leave us a review or a rating on iTunes or wherever you get your podcast. And now, here's Desert Island Dicks with Dane Baptiste. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest

and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Dane Baptiste. How are you doing? I'm good, sir. How are you? Yeah, not bad, not bad. Just enjoying the joys of parenting and juggling working from home but other than that i'm okay which everybody enjoys yeah that's why we do what we do so we can be closer to our kids it's a weird one though i suppose uh you know most of us have to go out to work in order to afford the child care to take care of our kids and now you're at home uh having

to do it as well but then not being able to earn in the same way so it's a weird time but um i hope it does uh i guess it does uh but foreshadow more time being spent with loved ones yeah and now we've all realized it's been six months and we've proven that we don't have to rely on so many external things in order to thrive so i don't know i'm on a desert island daniel so i'm staying on civilization you seem in a in a positive uh frame of mind today as i'm speaking to you so does that mean it's been easy or hard to to whittle down your choices for the island um it's been i think it's been a fun exercise i think it's uh i tried to like when i'm looking at like the kind of dicks that i'd be i always have to look at myself first and be like is it me bringing out the dick in these people um but yeah it's been positive because i feel like these are some good decisions that

have been well thought out and i think once i give an explanation it'll make sense to all listeners as well brilliant i'm looking forward to hearing them well let's get straight into it uh who's going to be your first dick today right my first dick on a desert island would be katie hopkins which i feel like is an obvious choice but at the same time people did hear me out because spirits will need to be high on a desert island anyway in order to maintain productivity to change our situation katie hopkins is not known for her positivity even when rashford is able to provide meals supplement meals for children who are who can't afford it she's like oh we gotta feed everyone's kids it's like how can that be something you're upset about so she's just constantly pessimistic also poor money management you would think in a predominantly white country

where she insists that she represents the voice of the voiceless that those people would be like you know what we like kate hopkins we just support her career but she's filed for bankruptcy twice which means bigotry is not that marketable so poor business decisions another reason why yeah and finally daniel finally because we know you know what are you having in desert islands we have a lot of open spaces and we all know that open spaces make kate hopkins very horny last thing i want is to be foraging for food and then someone pinches my butt and we're in an open field and they're like by the way dane my husband isn't here. And so that's why she was my first choice.

Yeah, I mean, it's I mean, it's hard. There's no there's no coming back against that argument. I mean, they're very strong arguments. And just, yeah, I think someone who would always she enjoys arguing so much that even if you thought, you know what, we're all survivors here. Let's all survive together. You know, I'm going to treat everyone equally. She'd still start sort of niggling at you. She'd go straight into the old Orwellian animal farm set up,

maybe Lord of the Flies. Like, I wouldn't put it past her. Then, you know, Dan, it's going to be a few weeks. She shows up with like the coconut boobs. She's like, look, everyone, I'm Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon. I'm like, we both know your boobs look like two old bags of porridge. Why are you doing this to me, Katie? Because I didn't sleep with you. You're married. Oh man, there's so many horrendous images coming thick and fast at me. So I'm losing my grip on

reality here, Dave. It's tough. It's tough. You'd rather a Wilson. You'd rather a beach ball with a bloody palm on it. Yeah, give me a Wilson any day, but a katie hopkins i mean without even saying anything i thought it was a bad idea to put her on the island but yeah the coconuts thing i'm never going to be able to think of her the same way again i know how you feel i know exactly how you feel i mean i feel like she could work i feel like let's say we're in shark infested waters normally bloody chunks attract predators you stick a katie hopkins and make some bigotry soup in that sea you stay safe also it's a desert island where no one can find you of course they'd send her here of course they would yeah also she'd you'd find her sort of in a corner of the island doing some

kind of little blog on a phone i'm trying to start a patreon or something like that you'd walk around the corner and they're like who drew all these swatch stickers in the fucking sand katie again she's maybe it would be the only place maybe that's because we sort of all there's always the thing with katie hopkins that we think that it's all just she's just saying it for effect because that's her only currency uh less so now that she's barred from most platforms but maybe it would be the time that she'd bring out the good side because she'd go, oh, I can't make any money from bitterness, so I'll just get on with being a normal person again. I think that could work, but I just think my theory

regarding Katie Hopkins' entire brand is that she has a scar on her brain because I think she has a form of epilepsy. And I genuinely think that whatever damage has been done or trauma has been done has affected her centre to generate empathy. I think only does she say the vitriolic things I think she with the response she gets back she sees as validating right because it's like you know any kind of human beings are a social species so by people responding to that she feels validated the biggest weapon against her is to uh ignore her and you know keep her in obscurity that's like that's how you defeat her but I don't know I don't know if there's a good side to her.

I'm not sure if she understands that concept because she'd be like, but there's no money behind it and no extramarital penis, so why should I be involved? It's weird, isn't it? Because there's the thing of people going, people say it about other sort of similar kind of right-wing firebrands that like, oh no, I don't think they even believe it themselves and you're like i think that's almost worse like have you been sort of raised up in a

small neighborhood where you've never seen a different ethnicity or anything you know and you've been told all these prejudices but it's people that know better but they weaponize that fear and that sentiment for their own capital gain it's like when people say oh naja faraj is the kind of guy you want to go for a pint with he would never drink in the same pub as you yeah yeah exactly it's like it's like you know when you hear like right-wing pundits saying stuff like all life matters but then they are also supporting the tories who are privatizing nhs it's like if all lives mattered even if white lives mattered, wouldn't healthcare be free in predominantly white countries for these said white people?

And so, yeah, I agree with you. It's worse when people know better because even for me, it's like when someone like, you know, Tommy Robinson talks about like the church and it being a Christian country. He's never,

you never see him in church. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like you never even seen like, you know, like paparazzi that catch him leaving a church yeah yeah exactly you never even seen like you know like paparazzi that catch him leaving the church i've had i've seen pictures of him leaving a pub i've seen pictures of him leaving the halal butchers i've seen pictures of him leaving a mosque i've seen pictures of him leaving a milkshake i've never seen him in a religious establishment i've never seen him like speak to like heads of the church church of england to be

like we need to start recreating English Anglo-Christian values. I've never seen them do that. Yeah. And it's not like there's not plenty of non-white Christians in this country. I mean, it's ridiculous. In fact, non-white Christian membership is increasing, whereas, you know, English Anglo-Saxons and Protestants are becoming more secular.

Some people are trying to, you know, but yeah, for the most part, they're kind of moving away, you know. I don't see them saying anything with scientology there's loads of scientology places in london yeah yeah i just um i think she would be terrible in that respect but at the same time sometimes you need the evil to define what's good so she provides a good basis both narratively and as extensively for us to draft up an arbitrary idea about law and order and the respect which will be like don't do what katie does don't do what katie says and that was pretty much will be the commandments for the island yeah i mean you're making a good point here so i've used her as a basis for goodness and then at least you know like it's like a

a flower growing out of a dog turd or something you know exactly that you just use the reverse uh ideology behind white supremacy in that you know white supremacists they rationalize their existence and their own existential dread by being like at least i'm better than the blacks and the browns that's how they rationalize their lives we do the same thing on the island life ain't great i have to eat coconuts and mangoes every day but at least i'm not katie hopkins yeah yeah well i mean that's very very strong reasoning there so yeah a very strong first choice i had to think it through for sure who would be your second pick for the island second pick for the worst person to be on an

island with would be prince andrew okay yep i don't know i'm not sure how much i need to elaborate on that but i'm saying this dan i'm on the island we're all hungry where should we go pizza express there's no pizza express on the island andrew it's a desert island we're hot can't you see that he's like oh i don't know i can't sweat we're still going with that andrew are we still going with that those are uh among the litany of reasons why he's the worst person to have on the island yeah well just nothing that he'd he'd say would ever make sense with anything else that he ever said like you'd just be finding loopholes in everything all the time number one i'm like he's like ah can we get some water i'm

hot i thought you didn't fucking sweat andrew so you saving water somehow yeah and then you know as well as him saying half truths and lies and embellishments the worst thing about andrew is that he always has this incredulous look on his face because he doesn't understand why he as an elite member of society is being questioned and when i'm trying to form a quasi socialist state on this desert island just so we all muck in for the sake of our own survival he's gonna be over here being like i I can't help, I've got a small penis. Who says that, Andrew? Who says that?

It's true. And I always think with people getting picked for this island, like if they're celebrities and musicians and stuff, people who kind of haven't had to look after themselves for a long time, they're going to be more difficult to sort of get on with than the island because they're not going to be able to muck in and help out. i mean there's always the argument with

like a musician oh well they weren't always famous you know so they probably could you know be readapted into normal society but prince andrew i mean you're you're like the least sort of normal person in the world mucking in or you know observing kind of any kind of equality he is going to struggle but i imagine sort of no social skills but also no awareness of his lack of them because everything's always been done it's his complete lack of awareness of the fact that he is so convinced he's dealing with a peasantry that he honestly thinks he can take to people i don't sweat and no one's going to see the medical and biological significance of that fact that your body despite the fact that you are born by design to be elite in that you were supposed to be able to trace your lineage to god himself and you think this god from which you are most closely related to forgot your

sweat glands and i feel that's gonna be the hardest part like where it's night time all around the campfire exchanging stories of the old times and andrew's like well you know i kind of was there when fire was invented the fuck are you talking about andrew really no no hear me out and that's what it's going to be quite difficult yeah yeah definitely if he doesn't sweat though he always looks clammy like he's like if if you needed a picture of someone who would have a sort of a clammy handshake, I mean, Prince Andrew's your man. He's a human tube of lube. And that in itself is going to be awkward.

And I just feel like it's not just his incompetence, but it's this confidence behind that incompetence that's going to be the problem, that his assuredness that everything he does is okay. Is that sort of confidence to lie to the public? Because you kind of think it's sort of uh confidence to lie to the public because you kind of think it's sort of confidence mixed with stupidity because i'm just going to bare face lie to them and no one's even going to work it out because why would they question me like we see it in government quite a lot as well pretty much yeah i think i think it's uh that's the privilege of

oblivion that you get when you are in a certain class is that you uh have a lifestyle which facilitates your lack of awareness of everybody else and i feel like um his it's a particular type of stupid but yeah and it's just more obliviousness like the guy has no idea and has no idea why he should have an idea and uh yeah that can be very dangerous and i also feel like you know it's a real part of like finishing school for uh those more elite members of society where they give the image of stupidness and blustering and incompetence but i think they're very much aware of themselves and where they stand and what uh privilege they have in order to be able to carry themselves in that particular fashion yeah and i and i feel like katie hopkins is naturally going to try and gravitate towards him because even though he's been kind of just not been in very good favour recently.

She'll still go there. You know why? Because she's the one woman that said that Donald Trump can grab her pussy. Yeah. And when she said it, Daniel, it's the first time I felt sorry for Donald Trump. Yeah, that's fair. But yeah, they're just going to sort of try and form a group. She thinks she's a group she's gonna she

thinks she's a lot posher than she is they'll have sex you know they have sex i'm gonna catch him dan i'm gonna catch him you know what's gonna happen when i catch him i'm gonna stab my own eyes out with my fishing stick yeah yeah oh man especially after seeing her in the coconuts so come on buddy and then she's like you like that andrew you like that you're sweating now aren't you you're sweating now aren't you oh this is so bad this is so bad this is what i'm going through you can hear them as well at night time i say oh i say come and have some of these dough balls girl oh it's too much you know you weren't there this is horrendous dane but i mean also very good it's a waking nightmare yeah it's a bit

too much um right who's gonna join them on who's gonna be your third choice third choice and it's kind of harsh because i don't massively dislike this person but i have to be honest it's gonna be jemma collins jemma collins okay i'm gonna start with the primary reason and then we can work from there okay i watch jemma coll Collins on TV scratch her vagina and then sniff it and make her friends sniff it. And I can't unsee that. Yeah. Now, what happens if

you know I've not slept well because Andrew and Katie have been going at it the whole goddamn night. I wake up in the morning. It's time for my fishing. I pick up my fishing stick. I hear a slight rustling.

Oh, what's that? Is there some extra food for breakfast? No. She's scratching her crotch. Now I've got to poke my other eye. Now I'm blind on the island. It's yet another enduring image, Dane. I can't unsee.

Now I'm like, I want the sharks to take me. But, you know, I feel like Gemma kind of has a tendency when she does a lot of panel reality shows where she's always a comic relief and kind of does the blundering and the pratfalls and the slapstick to kind of take away from her not being able to do certain things which i guess makes for good entertainment but we're on an island where everybody has to muck in i'm already dealing with a monarch who claims he can't sweat and like sloppy giuseppis therefore ruin the name of that pizza for the rest of time then i've got a sociopath who is turned on by evil and infidelity and children suffering now now jemma would be a

nice one that i could have banter with in between that but every now and again it's like oh dane i've destroyed the latrine you left to dig another one are you fucking serious why jemma how'd it happen because i was eating them clams i told you when i got them they're not clams jemma now i've got to keep shelling shit at the latrine yeah another another very good uh good reasoning behind your choice i think i i struggled to know with her who the real jemma collins is like she seems very good at kind of knowing what will be the kind of viral hit or the little clip or takeaway and seems very happy to you know do things like that which are pretty full-on just to kind of get the extra attention absolutely but

that being said I genuinely believe that there is just a contingent of people in Britain uh who massively identify with Gemma it's not for me to critique them necessarily but you know there are a lot of people who don't like doing any work and like to just have a takeaway on a saturday and sit down and scratch their crotch and eat junk food i think it's the i don't mind people scratching their crotch it's more the sort of the sharing of that i think you know yeah sniffing it and then being like you smell it tell me what like i don't listen if you do a fart down and you say that fart stinks i'm gonna believe you yeah it's one of those things that just give people benefit of the doubt. My vagina doesn't smell too fresh today, Dane.

The fact that you come to me with this information, I believe you. When it comes to the vagina scent, hashtag believe women. Yeah, I mean, I'm at the stage where my boy is three years old and, you know, he's potty trained and everything, but he's still at that stage where, like, especially now he's not in nappies, you know, things are a lot more accessible. And, you know, he's potty trained and everything but he's still at that stage where like especially now he's not in nappies you know things are a lot more accessible and you know so he's you know he's a curious young boy and no bit of his body is is weird or shocking to him because you know he's innocent so there's the weird thing of kind of having you know he'll be sitting there

eating his dinner and he's just like got his hand down his trousers and you're like what are you doing he's like oh i'm just touching my willy daddy and you're like okay just not now and then he's like why and you kind of go well i don't want to tell you that these things are bad or dirty but you know it's just not appropriate now he's learning these things in place i guess yeah teach them rather than just give kids this idea of sexual oppression and you know vulgarity it's like time and place you know it's like and that's how opinions work too given the people that are on my island with opinions work the same way that farts do in that a lot of them contain traces of shit they tend to be espoused from assholes which we all have and also you're better off letting them out in front of people that know you and have a context for who you are

it's true i just think we've got so many people these days who are exhibiting behaviors that i'm trying to sort of teach my son not to do it's a very weird time as a parent i'm like it's the worst time as a parent and you know why the semantics of parenthood now so far as giving guidance to your children it's fucked because if you just think of most basic tenets of trying to condition your child to be a law-abiding member of society you know you don't lie you don't cheat you don't steal you know don't abuse other people and you work hard yeah the leader of the free world has done none of that and it's not the free world so when you look at when you're trying to create give your children examples of archetypes and this is what we had the discussion about like

role models and people exist in the media what kind of guidance they give whether or not there is you know the leader of the free world is normally the quintessential example of the most refined or leader of society especially within a republic yeah but if you teach your kids stay in school and work hard you now have somebody who doesn't work hard who didn't stay in school didn't pay their taxes has lied has cheated and has now realized the highest office in the western world so how you can relay a sense of morality to your children when they are seeing currently the idea of morality being flaunted all the time and people prospering as a result of it how hard is it it must be it's difficult it must how difficult it must be to raise kids now it's it's so hard that dream is

dead like you know work hard be a good person you are seeing someone who is not exhibiting the actions of what we regard as a good person so far as our binary ideas of morality and society and again away with it yeah and not just getting away with it actually being rewarded more than anyone else you know by the same token it's like and i'm this is not me judging but like i actually better way of putting it you look at something like love island and there was a story about Love Islanders' applications are higher than Oxbridge. Yeah. But then I'm not surprised by that, because a lot of people now, you're going to go into university, be lumbered with debt, and then have to go out into a workforce where automation is rising.

And we've seen now with lockdown that a lot of jobs in the framework in which our industry exists no longer exists for many people unless if you're in the creative arts so how can you be mad in a world where we have emphasized you know the objectification of women and the sexualization of young people why would you go to university yeah if you're a young woman growing up in our society where do you see the efficacy of having a classic education and excelling academically being rewarded in this world? So I definitely get it. Yeah. It's like when, I mean, also the ideas of what we kind of think of as acceptable jobs.

I mean, like for me even, like kind of 38 years old and the idea of influences is like a bit like, oh my God, you got paid just to hold up those cosmetics and that's it. But it's like the same when my mum saw me watching Cribs with Tony Hawk in it and she was like, that's a big house, what does he do? Oh, he's a skateboarder. And she was like, what else does he do? I'm like, no, no, that's

it. But by that token, if you've been a skateboarder, he encourages a culture of consumption because people will be like, if I buy the skateboard, I can be just like him. This is, again, you know, the plight of what young women are dealing with is that, again, I don't necessarily have with the kardashians as people but i know they represent what now exists as a very homogenous feminine aesthetic so if you're a woman and you fall outside of that now your standard of beauty isn't good enough which means now they've commodified

this idea of feminine beauty so you have to now buy the look so what you have with social media is that essentially what we've taken with social media is that we have allowed for people in their 30s to enjoy prolonged adolescence. And we've now created this global high school where is where how social media works. Because if you look at someone like Instagram, first of all, the suffix is gram, which means that pertains to programming. If it was about the pictures, it'd be Instagram. That's number one number two is the fact that like television we know that television provides a unattainable aesthetic or unattainable aspirations but there are figures in place that will tell you that offcom or if you watch a shampoo advert you'll know if the actress or the or the model is using

hair extensions the internet is the wild west it doesn't have these regulatory bodies that can stop telling children these lies. So then children will see these unattainable images of beauty or feminine beauty and men are all ripped with muscles and the same sleeve tattoo and these very homogenous archetypes for the hyper-masculine and the hyper-feminine.

You don't know what it is to be a fucking man anymore. So how can you be surprised that you've seen this rise in people that interpret themselves as non-binary because how are they going to have a size zero waist and a decop boobs and a brazilian bum but be as hairless as an asian woman but have latino hair and curves and as a guy you're not supposed to be too brown but you have to be olive skinned enough to tan but then have a sleeve tattoo but then be educated but then have be wealthy but at the same time you're in a creative job which gets to lend to your

kinesthetics or you're building yourself up if i'm working in the laboratory and i'm a certain level of intelligence i don't have time to go to the fucking gym but these are all these these um this is the duality that's being created all the time where this is this paradox where it's like women value yourselves but then if you are a woman that don't show your breasts on instagram no one's gonna fucking listen so you get the same state that you get when you're in secondary school or when you're in high school where it's like the people that prosper the most their popularity is only based on their appearance just like when you're in school the people that are popular in school the good-looking people you don't know about their background you know

how much money they earn you don't know about their prospects they're just the most desired person in school when you're having a sexual awakening therefore these are the people we worship same with women same with men same way with school we worship the idea of materialism without any substance behind it so all of this these paradigms are recreated on social media so all the people who normally used to peak at high school and then had to learn to mature because they were dealing with real life can now subsist on this fake world that's been created online and so people would never get to be mature because no one wants to be old anymore so now we have this global peter pan complex where no one ever wants to be old and if they do find themselves getting old or having to try and thrive within reality they can always recreate this fallacy on the internet yeah

oh dane do you know what i feel like if this was a live show would be uh basking in a big round of applause right now maybe but i feel like most of the time people are too afraid to acknowledge this stuff themselves and which has necessitated me being on a desert island well i think you make a lot of good points and i mean if anyone is going to kind of make those three people see a bit of sense and brevity in their lives i reckon i think you're the man to do it oh definitely um so uh jemma collins then just finally on her i mean do you think you could get on with her apart from the sort of the scratch and sniff aspect of her personality? Do you reckon you could get on okay?

I think I could get on with her. I think we have a conversation about, you know, maybe some issues of bacterial vaginosis. And I'm like, Gemma, every morning, I'm going to get that pH right. Just take a swim in the sea. Get those natural nutrients going. Going to get your water content much higher.

Stay away from some of these acidic foods. Maybe have some more of these fish high in omega-3 so we'll be able to liaison that from that nutritional perspective and you know something jemma she says what she thinks she takes things easily she is what she is maybe i can learn to be a bit more explicit in terms of my personality and less reclusive so we can learn from each other it's kind of like the relationship that mel gibson has with danny glover in Lethal Weapon. Nice. Well, I'm glad you're seeing a positive slant in all this. And as I say, I reckon if anyone can make it work, it's going to be you,

based on your answers so far. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, Dane, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad um so i'd say i have a lot of i'm a very fussy eater so there's a lot of foods that i don't enjoy but i feel like the food that would annoy me the most would be hummus okay yeah now i don't necessarily dislike hummus i just dislike

the movement behind it because i started comedy just shy of 10 years ago, and it was almost like that's the middle class passport. They'd be like, I'm so middle class that my hummus, blah, blah, blah. My hummus has olive oil. I'm so middle class, my hummus has pomegranates. It's like, none of you invented this. It's not from this country. You know, hummus is very similar to the Bible in that, you know,

really has its origins in the Middle East, but it's been appropriated and purported as if it's a western invention it's very true very true and also i feel like if we've got hummus and that starts getting into the atmosphere and they get a whiff of it we're gonna have all the basic white girls from the shipwreck show on their island coming to my island we're gonna have all the old crew the cruises coming over i'm like this used to be a desert island where do all these basic bitches come from oh they smell hummus now on the other side the north of the island they're doing yoga and it's hot yoga we're on a desert island it don't get much hotter i think hummus would be the worst food i'll just say and also i just feel like

the consistency of hummus on the desert islands when does when does hummus end and sand start it's true it's like it's like the countries it's you know from you know like the middle east it's slightly too dry yeah pretty much exactly that it's like a pasty thing to it and there's like very little refreshment and I don't know if I just don't know if hummus goes well with like banana leaves and coconut and no it sounds horrible yeah it's not something i want to be experimenting with i mean i've got no problem with hummus but it's not an exciting thing it's not like you know if there's a load of dips on the table there's other ones that are more fun i mean it's sort of like the default you know i'm a white middle class guy so of course i'm packing hummus but

you know i mean like i said it's the passport i don't want to get my membership taken away you know it's like if i came to your house and there wasn't hummus or a yoga mat or maybe a dutch frame bicycle i'm gonna be like is this a middle-class white man that i'm having a conversation with or is dan a cop yeah yeah have i been taken over by some kind of terminator who's taken my image i'd have all the questions dan what kind of hummus do you have is it organic what kind of milk you got in the fridge is it oat is it soy is it rice what kind of frame do you you have? Is it organic? What kind of milk you got in the fridge? Is it oat? Is it soy? Is it rice?

What kind of frame do you have there? I'm sorry, is that a rucksack in the corner? Was it made by a Scandinavian? I don't trust you anymore. So yeah, hummus. No, I've got to have these things. You have to, you never know. It's like, imagine, it's like back in the 90s,

someone came to your house and they was like, I need to charge my phone. Do you have a Nokia charger? And you'd be like, obviously, I'm a human being. You know, you've got some people's house and they'd be i need to charge my phone do you have a nokia charger and you'd be like obviously i'm a human being yeah you know you got some people's house and they'd be like i haven't got a nokia charger but i've got a siemens siemens are you people beating your kids in this fucker what's going on here it's a crack house so yeah you got the hummus on deck i mean you know this could be useful though because like i said if there's hummus people are going to think well there must be middle class people on this island help must

come right away if i put a bit of hummus in a bottle and then put it out to sea once a particular yacht or a cruise liner gets the wind of that there are people enjoying hummus on an island and we're not there help arrives immediately that's very true very true yeah it makes a lot of sense this argument and i think um also i feel like as a tool it's probably like could be quite useful for building and things like that it's quite cement like

imagine in the sun it'll go hard you know like in different countries and they build is it cob it's like mud and straw and they build huts

it definitely works yeah and then also the consistency of hummus it's very very grainy it takes a lot of strength to masticate

like a big bit of a big dollop of hummus so you imagine again you know where like you know it's the second month campfire's going andrew's like did i tell you about the time i went to eat a spoonful of hummus please andrew yeah yeah definitely no that's gonna take him down yeah good thinking good thinking and what would you wash it down with because obviously you need to wet your whistle when you're eating hummus the worst thing i can think of would be uh soda water yeah what is soda water it doesn't like it's not we sort of get tonic even though we don't i don't really understand what it is we sort of understand that but soda water is not even that soda water is what would happen if the devil was given a

sponge bath that's what you get left in the tub is that they were certainly used for soda water and uh it's just like it's basically like drinking spicy water like am i in a coma and did i ask you fernando's then why are you giving me medium hot water for like if i'm gonna drink a fluid and it's gonna taste like pepper dan it should be a bloody mary not water very true and so i just think soda water soda water is basically one league above salt water and a league below flavoured water in terms of the worst waters on the planet. Yeah, no, that's fair. I think, I mean, you see it in films a lot, don't you? In America, they're always like, oh, club soda,

which I guess I think is the same thing. Yeah. And it's one of those cultural things where you're like, I get if I go to some countries and we have a completely different cuisine, why something might be appealing to you and not to me but like american cuisine and english cuisine aren't that far apart that it makes sense that you're drinking soda water like it's a normal thing no sense why am i drinking something that hurts my lungs like i shouldn't i shouldn't feel my chest tighten if i drink water without alcohol in it and i feel like americans the soda water

thing is basically i think it's basically in america they're big on soda lots of soda taps lots of soda streams when that fructose-based syrup runs out they're like oh crap what should we do uh we'll call it club soda the club however is corporate misleading that's the name of the club that's serving you this crap in In the same way that, like, have you ever seen a packet of round cheese randoms? And everyone's like, oh, that's a good idea. That's not what happened. Basically, someone was like,

these factories keep producing surpluses of sweets and we need to put them together somewhere. Someone was like, all right, let's just put them all together in the same packet. How are we going to market that? Let's call them randoms. Have a million pounds. Yeah, exactly.

That's how it happened. Yeah, no, that's what happened yeah no that's true i just think like there's something really unsatisfying about having something like water is the most vital you know useful liquid on the planet you know and everyone likes it it's just no flavor but it's refreshing gives you everything you need and having something that's so close to that but it's disgusting it's just the most frustrating thing you know when it's like it's worse to have like you mentioned bloody mary's it's worse to have like a bad bloody mary than it would be to just have a completely different drink you know completely agree it's like it's like you know it's like perfect example it's like when you go to a

cafe and you get greasy spoon ketchup instead of heinz ketchup and then someone goes it's the same thing and you say i want to break up with you because you're a fucking idiot or you might say something else but maybe i overreact i'm just saying this thing comes in a tomato you know it's not you know it's not heinz there's that little orange tint everyone knows that yeah and it doesn't taste of vinegar doesn't exactly that's the big pull about it it's like you know when you have baked beans that are Heinz baked beans, you know it's Heinz baked beans. There's no other type of beans. Yeah. Yeah, a club soda or a soda water, whatever the difference is, I think.

Because even if you kind of find a way of fermenting coconut juice on the island and you think, oh, I can make it fizzy, but it's just going to ruin everything. It's just going to fuck up your party. Exactly. But at least if it ferments and it's alcoholic, now we've got some coconut schnapps. Now we can do some sex on the beaches, apart from you, Andrew and Katie.

That's the name of the drink. Sex on the beach, except you two motherfuckers, is what it's called. Yeah, fair play. Coconut schnapps, maybe squeeze a little bit of mango in there. Sounds good. No soda water. We will use the soda water to keep the sharks away.

Let's say sharks, I'm just going to pour it in the water. Once that gets into their gills, they can't breathe, because you can't breathe when you're the soda water to keep the sharks away. Let's say shark, shark, I'm just going to pour it in the water. Once that gets into their gills, they can't breathe because you can't breathe when you're drinking soda water. Now we're safe. Yeah, good. I like the way that with every horrible thing, you're finding a little silver lining. I think you've just got like a naturally optimistic personality, Dane. I have to be, man.

These days, you know, with the global pandemic, you've got to be a glass half full kind of guy. Yeah. Unless that glass is soda water, because we both know once it loses its carbonation it's less than half and i've been lied to because you distorted me with the air displacing this fucking water i want to speak to the manager fair enough fair enough uh now dane fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Oh, all right. So I have a lot of terrible films that I really don't enjoy. But I would say the worst film would be The Twilight Solo. Okay, yeah. I know that culturally it's understood that my people can be very vocal about what they see on the silver screen don't go in there girl girl is you crazy i've heard

more than but the twilight saga is the first time i have ever said out loud in a cinema come on buddy are you fucking kidding me i'm not watching a film about vampires that walk around in a fucking day. Yeah, what is this? Come on, man. Come on. Nosferatu. Like, even the etymology of the names of vampires. They are nocturnal. Why are they walking around in a fucking day?

Yeah. Come on. That's like... That's Vampire 101. They do that sort of thing a lot, though, these days, don't they? They're like, well... So 28 days later, they need to make zombies scary because we know they're all a bit crap and inept so they make them fast and aggressive or like job with that though yeah 28 days later is the for me it's the scariest zombie film i've ever seen yeah it's one of those films that i love but i find it difficult to want to watch again because it did the job so effectively the first time i watched it i love naomi harris from 28 days later

and even when she did simon and the witch But I can't watch her in that film again because she put a machete through her best friend's head. But do you know what I mean? There's a fine line with kind of sort of reinterpreting the classics. Like, with that, it works. But when you kind of go, what if these vampires could go around in daytime?

You're like, no, it's too big. Like, maybe just say garlic isn't as effective or something. The same as werewolves. What makes them into werewolves? Crisps. Don't you mean a full moon yeah yeah that's how bad it is you know you can tweak but don't like fuck with the whole premise i mean it's like making passion fruit cider uh isn't cider made from apples and pears this is

a cocktail or an alcoa pop you're not fooling us and like i said vampires being around during the day well those aren't vampires then are they yeah yeah so that doesn't stop there let's look at the massive massive age gap between edward cullen and what's her face whose name i can't be bothered to remember right now and i'm not sorry what you know when she sleeps therefore validating and normalizing stalking and in cell behavior right number two then turns out that twilight is basically started off as like fan fiction or was that 50 no that was 50 shades of gray which is also on my list of worst things ever but that started with twilight and i'm just

saying twilight is basically almost undid all the good work in terms of vampire representation in media that Blade did. Remember Blade? And we were like, yeah, vampires are cool. We enjoy that. And then Twilight ruined it. Then it turns out that Stephanie Myers would only cast a black vampire if he played an antagonist.

So not only is he an antagonist, he looks like Will.i.am. Then they got him in dreadlocks with leather pants playing baseball. What's happening in this program? It's the worst. And then it's like, oh, we're vampires, but we only hunt deer and other small animals. Some of the animals you hunt are fucking endangered. Okay?

You know what there's a lot of? Rats. Yeah. Oh, what, you're too good for rat meat? That's what I'm trying to find out, also it doesn't work like that like if you're a vampire you need human blood to survive it's not like oh shit i'm bleeding to death get me any animal's blood that's not how it works with any kind of apex predator have you ever tried to feed like scallops to a lion they don't like that shit so you know it's the worst vampires are supposed to

be apex predators also are you telling me that they enjoy this opulent lifestyle from years and years of immortality and super strength and being able to hypnotize human beings and all these supernatural powers and you choose a fucking american high school girl arguably one of the worst type of girls in the world why i hear you say because what do american high school girls like jocks america crying for things boy bands so yeah youtube stars if you are over a certain age and you can even spend time hearing the narrative of teenage girls you're sick you are a spawn of satan of course you're a vampire there's always that thing you kind of they're always like you know traditionally kind of old and wise and kind of learned but you're

like yeah there must be those people that were just froze at the wrong time and they're just a perpetually annoying vampire there must there has to be there just has to be there has to be that one vampire who got drunk on the way home from a stoning he stopped over the side of the road to take a dump because it's the bubonic plague and who gives a fuck about hygiene. And then something's bit him and now

he's just a douche but he's just a vampire. They're the worst. They're just the worst of the vampires. And then it's like Edward has family members

who are older than him and they're all fine with him dating a teenager. Then they have babies. That's bestiality. How are you having interspecies children come on buddy worst film ever and if he's a vampire isn't it and she's a teenager doesn't that mean he's

significantly going to be older like significantly older than he even presents himself to be because he'll just look like he's 20 or whatever but he's actually 400 or something like that which means the last time somebody that old put got a woman pregnant was the bible yeah yeah well bernie eccleston quite recently i think bernie eccleston as well well you know i don't see bernie eccleston out during the day either dan yeah that's true yeah god that would be a good twist though wouldn't it if bernie eccleston was a vampire i mean it'd be one of these things you're like no i didn't know vampires existed but on the other hand i'm not surprised at all because it's bernie eccleston you know i mean i am a hundred um i'm about 98 sure that both don king and jeffrey epstein have had dinner with the devil i'm not saying they've had sex but they've been

to dinner yeah we don't have sex it's just drinks it was just just just a couple of club sodas a few club sodas what do you make club sodas. What do you mean by club sodas? You know what we mean. Club soda is just soda water mixed with virgin tears and blood. You know the deal. Yeah, yeah. I think, yeah, I don't know a lot about the Twilight movies, but I do feel like anything that kind of tries to do a remix

so that it kind of gets teenagers to swoon and sort of takes away from the actual sort of fun of the genre is, is a pretty bleak. So bleak. It's like, and even this idea that the, that a teenage girl's entire preoccupation alone should just be like boys and a diary in itself is fucking bullshit.

Why don't we have like a teenage female vampire slayer? That would be cool. Like we had Buffy that works. Yeah. Then again, Buffy did kind of fall in love with angel too so that was weird it's almost like they just need to when they start these programs go right no matter how good it is you've got four series that's it and then you don't end up in these kind of weird cul-de-sacs where you're like trying to merge characters or you know oh let's give them a sister or whatever. Yeah, it's really weird. It's almost a weird cultural phenomenon where, like,

if you think about it, Dan, like the Western white woman, she is paired together with some very, very strange partners. Vampires that walk around during the day. Giant gorillas that can climb buildings. That film when the dude is like an underwater monster. Oh, yeah. Teen Wolf. Frankenstein.

It's like, I get it, nice guys finish last but hollywood is really pushing it now vampire yeah like we you do know about these things you feel like we've told you about vampires right you know you know about their history yeah you still you still want to go with that i mean used to be like in the 50s you know you go bad boy with a motorbike or somebody looked like the Fonz, but like a fucking vampire. Yeah. I'm just, I'm just saying for, you know, the best of our species, which women are with the power of creation within their being themselves. I just don't understand how the idea that you can have a filling relationship with someone

who drinks blood when you menstruate for a week, a month, I don't know how it's going to work. Yeah. How would that work in real life? I'm hormonal and I need some space. someone who drinks blood when you menstruate for a week a month i don't know it's gonna work yeah how would that work in real life i'm hormonal and i need some space oh well i'm hungry no yeah i'm just going out hunting again darling are you cheating on me with someone who's on their period like the real conversation that has had is disgusting dan and it's the worst well let's move on then to what would be the worst song that you could be stuck with? The worst song is a song called The Ketchup Song

by a Spanish band called Le Ketchup. Oh, yes. Yeah, see? Do you see how much of your spirit began to decline when I said that? Yeah, yeah. I felt like it got darker in this room. Yeah, exactly. Because if you utter the words,

darkness comes upon the earth. It just shows you that when it comes to music in this world, there are two types of people. There are people who listen to music, who actively seek out and curate and make a critical analysis of the music they look for.

And then there are people that listen to whatever the fuck comes on the radio. Those people enjoy this song and are the reason why this song is successful. It's a song that's Spanish, that's made for predominantly white people who don't speak Spanish, but want to go to Spain. It's like one of those songs you'd hear on holiday, and you'd kind of think, oh, this sort of makes sense in context. Oh, it's funny hearing European pop, because obviously we never have any of that over here

and then you'd get home and they're playing it here and you're like no this should have stayed there the song is like friends you meet on holiday yes I love telling Tracy at breakfast I don't want them talking to me in the departure lounge Dan

it's over now we're not going to stay in touch we both have different interests at home. It's time to let it go. And that's what that song is. It's a song that's kitsch. It's catchy. And if you're in a country where you don't speak English, there's enough English in it for you to be able to recite the words.

But once that's done, it's very hard to call this music. That's like retail music. You know the music you hear when you go to Topshop or Subway? That they play at a volume and frequency so you can't really think about purchasing decisions that's what that song is it's the worst song it doesn't mean anything it has no significance no one can explain what the words mean someone's just gone let's get two relatively generic eurocentric looking models to sing this song that no one really understands so then something for the lads it's spanish and for people that have like dan i don't trust people that need to be told how to dance yeah yeah exactly i don't

trust people that can only dance when they're following directions do you know what it's like that sort of thing where like if someone's relative 70th or something in a church hall and they've got the dj that does the kids parties and he does everyone's parties in that little town you know you're having a nice time you speak to people all the aunties are dancing and they put on something like s club seven or last ketchup absolutely and they're like come and dance dan you're like no no because i need i only like to dance to music i like or i feel awful and it makes me sad and they're like no come on get up get up on the floor and oh it's just horrible you know what i i want you to know it means so much that i can have this conversation with you because i really thought i was alone and i really felt

that was this a cultural thing was this a race thing where i've been in interracial relationships and i was in that same paradigm of all the aunties get up and they start dancing and they take off the shoes and it's like come on diane come on and i'm like please i'm already filled with angst about the kind of get out aesthetic that i'm seeing here come on then it'll be fun i look at the dj i'm like help me he's like don't worry i've got your buddy and i'm like no no dj i would trust probably want to put a thumbs up like that the song ends and i get a brief reprisal then they go a little bit of mamba in my life and i'm like kill me someone kill me before he plays my. I just want to die in peace.

It's awful. It's so bad, isn't it? And then, like, there's no way of not looking like a twat because you can't sort of say, no, I hate this music because then you're being mean and they're all having a great time. No, I'm Scrooge. I'm Bar High Bug in the dance hall now. Yeah.

It's the worst song. It's the worst. And like I said, it's one of those songs that's not for people that listen to music. It's for people that hear music when it's played. Yeah, exactly. I'm a human. This is music.

I know what to do now. With those sort of European songs, it feels like every sort of decade there's one for those people. You know, like in the 80s growing up, there was that one. Is it the Lambada? Absolutely.

The Brazilian one, yeah. The Forbidden Dance. Yeah. Like that was one you'd sort of in those sort of contexts that in like adult parties you'd hear that oh mr blobby run yeah and that song about the crazy frog i'm blue basically that all of these terrible songs that have real no meaning of significance i mean the scat man but you know i'm not gonna put him in that group that's maybe what he's more of a product of his time.

Yeah, I feel like there was slightly more integrity there. Like, he did like jazz and stuff before, but, you know, it just ended up going down there. So I went, you know what? That's a good hook for a pop tune. And he went, I've got nothing else going on. In Scatman's defense, it's the same marketing strategy that was done with Tiny Tempo

when he did Pass Out, then he did Frisky. The songs followed a very similar pattern, in the same way that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is the same song as ABC. I feel like the Out Here Brothers had a good crack at these songs, didn't they? The old two-hit one did there as well. So yeah, Out Here Brothers, that's the one as well.

Now, I don't know about you Dan I like the out here brothers but my god you want to be around a bunch of aunts yeah see the petticoats and the halters

and the spanks flying when they're dancing to the out here brothers yeah then they do the thing where you do the turn and they turn

you twirl them then they try and twirl you and they don't do the twirl properly so now it's gone from a twirl to a cage match because no one knows how to dance and all I want to do is just be in the corner and be high and grumpy but i can't do that because the family's there yeah no i get you i get you i think as well last catch up on an island there'd be those of those of you who would kind of go oh this reminds

me of my holiday and blah blah blah and they'll and it'll sort of excite them too much you know when you're trying to calm things down because you'll see the cruise ship going past and i'll be like shit glad i'm not on that cruise ship and then i'm like who opened the hummus oh they're gonna come over now andrew yeah good point good point um now dane finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why okay so i'm gonna say off the top mosquitoes i still don't know what the point is of them other than punishing human beings yeah now i know there's various types of mosquito so i guess i'd say the particular one i'm referring to is referred is the anopheles mosquito because this is the uh

the anopheles mosquito is the vector for malaria right okay so yeah malaria is carried by a parasite which is carried in the stomach of uh female female uh anopheles mosquitoes the male mosquitoes only enjoy fruit juice the women like blood i feel like like i said i'm on an island with jemma collins and and prince andrew there's going to be some humidity and that's a perfect breeding ground for mosquitoes and like i said mosquitoes are such dicks their face has got a dick on the front of it that's how big of dicks they are so that would be that was going to be one of my choices but i want to give very strong honorable mention to unicorns okay this is interesting because unicorns are like the dick of dick of like mammals yeah normally when someone's like on like on their social media page they're like i'm this this is my pronouns i'm

also a unicorn you're like don't apportion these human binary ideas of gender to horses and unicorns they don't have these discussions yeah you know i'm not sure if you've seen horses when it comes to their gender it's real clear which one they are because horse dicks are real big so it's really hard to kind of be like and not that they don't have the right to do that if a horse considers itself to be non-binary or to be intersex whatever your designation is i will always respect that there is no there's no stipulation about that if you say to me i consider myself to be a woman and these are the profound pronouns in which i'd like to be referred to absolutely whether you want to be considered a

you know a man or a woman trans man or a trans woman or even if you are intersex or non-binary gender fluid i respect it i'm just saying it's going to be hard to ignore your big old horse dick between your legs. That's all I'm saying, Dan. Now, unicorns, my theory is this. Now, the myth behind unicorns is that they were left off the ark because they got there too late. What I think happened was,

now, like I said, you've seen how unicorns are regarded in both the mammal and animal kingdom on a whole. They're given this kind of, because of Pegasus, they're given this kind of mythical status. For the other unicorns who didn't put in that work, they're going to have an attitude and they're going to be supremacists. So you imagine it's the day before we're going to get on the ark.

All the animals are gathering around. What's it going to be like on the ark? I don't know. What do you think, Dodos? Shit, I think we'll be all right. All right, buddy. So everyone's talking. Unicorns show up, cooked up off their buddy so everyone's talking unicorns show up cooked up

off their faces because that's what unicorns do unicorn dust which we all know is cocaine dan so they're like what's up y'all what's up unicorns in the house we're the best you see the horn that's the swilly dick right there anyone else got a horn like us i do do you shut your fat ass up rhino you stupid rhino with your stupid fat horn. You look disabled. Fuck you, unicorns. Whatever. I've got horns too. Those aren't horns. Those are tusks, elephants, and you fat too.

You can't even fly. Well, fuck you, unicorns. I don't remember this shit. Course you are, Nelly. Course you are. And then they're like, and then it's you, the worst of all. Horses, you wish you were us, don't you? I bet you wish you were like

us horses like fuck you i got a big dick i got a bigger dick this is big double dick horn energy horses ow unicorns unicorns swish of the rainbow tail they walk back away from the campsite the rest of the animals are like you know what fuck these unicorns man i'm sick of this shit i'm sick of this shit you know what tomorrow I ain't telling them anything. Cockerel, you keep your ass quiet. We're leaving these unicorns. And that's exactly what happened.

Yeah. I can completely believe that's what's happened. Exactly. Some books didn't make it to the Bible, Dan. Yeah. No, exactly.

It's a great story. I wish it had made it in. It definitely would have made RE a bit more interesting. But I mean, I can't fault your logic there. That's it. And I'm saying, well, I don i don't want like i said i'm trying to create you know a state of unity and harmony on this island i don't need these motherfuckers trotting around

being like unicorns unicorns yeah you know they're like i think that's great i'm gonna say that um i mean because you sort of mentioned mosquitoes as well i'm gonna put them both on the island but like you know how some animals have that little helper animal like you know there'll be like a water buffalo has a little oh absolutely yeah and that's what they'll be doing as well but you know what they'll be doing it'd be like oh i'm a unicorn we had a night on the lash fucked a couple mermaids now i've got unicorn herpes can you drink it clean mosquito i'm like what the fuck is happening on my island please then jemma's like i think i've got it too have a sniff dane nah do you know what yeah just kill me what's happening yeah oh man what a world you've created

dane i mean it's oh i can't even think of the word i mean it's horrendous basically but i mean you've there's an island dystopia you know yeah but i'm prepared to be the martyr for this i'm removing all of these negative aspects of our existence on the island i can work on them over here i can handle it you know now the world hopefully returns to normal i feel like i've been on a journey because i've laughed a lot but i also feel kind of harrowed from it all it's uh you know it's uh you've really painted a picture for us today and i thank you very much for coming on it's been my pleasure to be able to let people know about my nightmare and raise awareness that there are people out there who've had to sit through twilight against their will and they need to be able to have a platform to

speak on it cheers my opinions are very unpopular dan i really appreciate the platform i'm sure there's gonna be a lot of a pro unicorn backlash but you know i'm an artist i have to say what's in my heart well you know it's an open forum and we've just gotta let you have your your space so it's a safe one and we'll take that we'll take the backlash so don't don't you worry um now dane where can people see or hear more from you at the minute obviously things are still a bit up in the air yeah um so i'm still around i'm uploading uh content so people can catch comedy clips on my uh instagram i have a series of best of clips which is called 28 days later to help us out through the lockdown um i'm also have my own youtube channel and uh yeah and also you can catch me on sunny d uh which is on the bbc iplay lovely brilliant well dane thank you again for

joining us on desert island x my pleasure thank you very much for having me