Desert Island Dicks - DANE BAPTISTE - END OF 2020 SPECIAL

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

On of the most popular guests of 2020, Dane Baptiste joins us once again, this time to tell us all about the worst people and things from 2020 he could be stuck with on an island with. If you're standing there reading this, stop reading and start listening, because Dane does not disappoint. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode we welcome back one of our most popular guests from the last 12 months, Mr Dane Baptiste, to look back over the year and tell us the worst people and things from 2020 he could be stuck on an island with. And he does a very good job indeed. I hope you've had a great Christmas, despite the various restrictions. But if you've had a crap one and you'd like to use

this platform as somewhere to vent your spleen, then you can. Each week we do a spin-off podcast called Compact Dicks, where you can tell us all about the people and things that you'd hate to be stuck on an island with. Just go to dickspod.com slash contact or find us at dickspod on Instagram and Twitter to tell us about your dicks. And we could be sharing your dicks with the world in 2021. And if you're a fan of this podcast, then please do subscribe.

And that way you will never miss an episode of either Desert Island Dicks or Compact Dicks and if you could also leave us a review and a rating that would be bloody lovely. That's about it from me for now. I wish you all a very happy new year and hope that 2021 is mostly free from dicks for you and most of all a very heartfelt thank you to everyone who's listened in the last year because we really do appreciate it. Now, that's probably enough from me. Here's the Desert Island Dicks end of year special. The show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things from 2020 imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their roundup of 2020 Desert Island Dicks,

I'm delighted to welcome back comedian Dane Baptiste. How are you doing? I'm doing okay. I mean, you'd think I would have made it, but I've learned nothing from my lessons previously being on a desert island and got wild again. This is what happened, Dan. Basically, lockdown ended. I was back out there, international wars, celebrating, back out, freedom. Obviously, took things too far. Now I'm back on the desert island with you. Just don't learn. But happy to be here. Well, we're happy to have you.

Yeah, I suppose, yeah, the desert island and lockdown are fairly similar. I mean, albeit, hopefully, the sort of COVID lockdowns, you get to choose your environment and make yourself a bit more comfortable. But, you know, maybe you'll be slightly more prepared for it this time around. Oh, yeah. I feel like I'm prepared to be a lot more ruthless as as well i know what the terrain is like on a desert island and so i'm i'm prepared to do whatever it takes to survive good now obviously 2020 i'm not the first person to point out it's been a shit year so uh was it easy to compile your list today or

is it made it harder given the shitness of 2020 i think it's made it uh so far as a mindset it's been very easy to find the shitty things with 2020 my cup runneth over to be able to shortlist that has been the difficulty really yeah yeah it's picking one thing i guess it's the harder part but stuff keeps coming stuff comes up all the time yeah as you say your cup runneth over with sport for choice at the minute. Okay, well, let's get straight into it and find out who's going to be the first person joining you on the island today. First person that joins me on the island is the head of the Home Office, Preeti Patel. Yeah, she's had a good year for being a dick.

She has had a good year. I mean, when your whole ideological outlook is based on a time paradox like you're way ahead of it like first of all she's like if it was up to me my dad couldn't even immigrate me here and now i have this job i'll make sure it doesn't happen but if your dad wasn't here you would have never had the job pretty do you not understand how that works it's like if you go back in time and fuck him you also won't be born and i'm not sure if i can put incest past pretty i mean maybe if it was non-consensual and she was ruining a family member's life then i could see it and then she's on the news and she was like this christmas i'm setting an example by not seeing my family

as if they're going to be like oh no guys pretty's not coming oh man i'm so looking forward to her apathetic plans for crimes against humanity in 2021 while we serve the food oh man i guess we just have to see her on a zoom call as she ruins people's lives and gets gorges off of children's souls i don't think anyone was saying that so i just think given that she's already laid out plans to create Hell Island, made up of asylum seekers and refugees and economic migrants alike, I feel like her having her own desert island is going to take a week before one day I'm walking through the jungle on a desert island and I fall into a poorly hidden bed of leaves and there's a missile silo under the island, Dan.

And I'm like, how, Pri? How did you make this happen? And she's like ah i just bought of dolphins so what does that mean i'm gonna kill them because you know why they're too transient they can't just keep showing up on different coral reefs and various tropical shores they need to understand how boundaries work so i'm killing them to send a message and that's and i think and i don't put it past her no not at all if she's kind of like well we've been able to synthesize a cure for cancer using some of the the herbs and the coconut water on this island however we're not going to give it to people for free because this is not what tories do dane i'm like we're not even in the uk anymore she's like

listen you can take the demon out of the girl but you can't take the girl out the demon and i've got time to do a tropical exorcism dad yeah she does sort of have that vibe of like just anything that looks like it's having a happy time being free must be punished so and like the fact that dolphins look a bit like they're smiling would definitely smiling yeah the only way we're gonna get out of this is if i'm like no pretty don't do why Dane why should I not kill these dolphins you know there's been incidences of dolphins raping and she'd be like oh fine continue the research that's and that's the way I'm going to save their lives because I am I am 100% sure that if Hitler was alive today like you would pick up a copy of the metro and he'd be walking out the ivy and like hiding his face in paparazzi and guess who'd be behind him yeah yeah i think um yeah we're pretty patella as well you get the feeling like if there was a rescue ship came by and sort of sent out a dinghy to your island she'd just try and send them back again be like no wait you're undocumented

show me your papers and they're like no i mean i'm just a guy who works on a cruise ship we can pick you up do you need a lift definitely sure i think i'll go you on better what would happen is she would they would show up and be like we're the rescue team and she'd go oh you came to rescue everyone let's just celebrate with a drinking of this coconut water which is obviously laced with poison and they'd be like but why we came to rescue you and she'd be like i don't know i've developed a taste for human flesh. And there you are. So then there'll just be all this cured human meat hanging out from her side of the island. And basically any other visitors,

we just basically go, if you don't behave, we send you to the Preeti Patel Peninsula. And that's just another corner of the island where it's like, no one really comes back from there. Who knows? So it'd be, it'd be like,

I suppose that underground bunker in Lost. You don't, no one comes back. there who knows so it'd be a it'd be like i suppose that underground bunker in lost you don't no one comes back yeah yeah i think if she can have that bit of power i definitely could see her like you know maybe doing stuff like going in the water pretending to drown attracting more you know people trying to save her life and then before you know it it's an island of dr moreau Human beings being sewn together with animals, various different animal to human skin grafts, like, all going to harvest in for days. Next thing you know, international pirates

and tyrannical despots are showing up on one side of the island. And I'm like, what's going on here? Is there an arms market going on here? And she's like, well, money has to be made. That's how we do it in a tropical Tory party, which is like, you know a fever's bad, but a tropical fever is worse party which is like the tory it's like you know if fever's bad but tropical fever is worse it's like the tropical tory party is like even worse

yeah yeah because i mean a lot of them don't look like they'd fare well in the sun so i imagine just on that alone they'd be extra grumpy and malicious so um yeah yeah fair enough i can absolutely see her starting like an arms fair on the other side of the island i mean it's that kind of and then having to do like a very weak apology. Like, well, I'm sorry that you feel I shouldn't have started an arms fair. Yeah, she's like, well, I'm sorry if tetanus makes your arm itch, indigenous people of this island. But that's what happens when you work in the arms trade.

Now on that subject, would anybody else like to buy some sharpened bamboo with different feces on it? Got some dolphin feces now. Where'd it come from i wouldn't ask if i were you and then she becomes largely responsible for the gdp of the of the island now because she's those are the arms trading so now she gets to like be a part of next thing you know she's the home officer i mean it couldn't go it couldn't be any worse like i am pretty sure that if the devil has an iPhone, he's got news

from Preeti Patel on there. And I'm not sure if we need to enter on the island. Then again, who knows? If people come to attack the island, or the island's ever threatened, then, you know, let's say there's an earthquake. You take her face, you put it underwater, so the fault lines can see what they're dealing with.

Earthquake stops. Let's say a hurricane's on the way. You take her face, stick it it in the wind that hurricane doesn't want any of that trouble bypasses the island so she becomes effectively a psychological and biological contingent for warfare yeah yeah wow i mean she's really got a lot going on there i mean i think it's an excellent first choice for the island um i mean i'm interested to see who the next choices are just to see if it's going to water it down or exacerbate it and make make the situation worse so who's who's going to be joining her and you on the island joining us on the island will be gwyneth paltrow interesting okay now i don't dislike gwyneth paltrow i have no real problem with gwyneth paltrow but i am aware that gwyneth paltrow has made a scented

candle based on her vagina now the thing is I imagine that there was a very long logistical change of sycophants and yes men which when she was like you want me to make a candle for my pussy and everyone was like yeah yeah yeah everyone's doing it Gwyneth yeah yeah so she made these goop candles and like I said I'm sure that's fine I just feel like time and place for everything like for example Dan if I go into a supermarket I like the smell of cookies whereas handles and like i said i'm sure that's fine i just feel like time and place for everything like for example dan if i go into a supermarket i like the smell of cookies whereas if i go to a strip club i like the smell of stripping perfume but never the twain shall meet if i go into a supermarket and i can smell stripping perfume i'm like i'm not sure if it's the right place

to make my purchases of snacks vice versa if i go to a strip club whereby someone's making cookies i'm like very obviously this establishment is not providing enough care that is allowing for the employees to look after their kids and they are being forced to subsidize their income by making cookies i'll buy said cookies dan but at the same time i'll be like maybe you should protect your workers more often spamming rhino and they wouldn't have to be selling these cookies like this i feel like gwyneth needs to know that if people are sitting and having a i don't know like a reading club and everyone's like oh someone like candle and they were like i kind of recognize that smell but not exactly and then chris walks in and goes well i know that smell that's gonna make for a bad club. And I feel like what I don't want to happen on the island is for Gwyneth to continue this trend of making various scents and also, I guess, trinkets and other accessories that are based on her body parts.

I don't want to be like, oh, man, something in my teeth. Use this floss. Where's it from, Gwyneth? My armpit hair. Gwyneth? No. She's like, it's the mostwyneth? My armpit hair. Gwyneth! No! She's like, it's the most natural

type of floss they could find. I'm like, it better be from your armpits. And she's like, yeah, I'm not an animal. It's not going to be, like, from my vagina. If I did that,

what else would our guitars be made from? I'm like, are you fucking serious, Gwyneth? I'm trying to arraign morale. That's why I used the pubes from my vagina for the guitars. Like, first of all,

these are ukuleles at best what is and i told you no so i just feel like she's a little bit too overzealous with using her body parts to make stuff i don't want i don't want someone to like bring me a plate of food and be like now for some garnish do you fart on my food gwyneth oh dane heston blumendahl can use a blowtorch if i blow for my butt which is is orange, by the way, because I'm ginger, you have a problem. Then we have a tense argument. And then next thing you know,

she goes in her room. She's like, I don't want to argue with you right now, Dane. I want peace. So then I'm in my own tree being like, so how come I can smell vagina everywhere coming from a treehouse, Gwyneth? And lit some candles to be zen.

Sounds like you're being passive aggressive. Now half the island smells like vagina the other half smells like bamboo and dolphin feces how did it go so wrong so quickly ladies oh man yeah what i hadn't i hadn't even considered that when you said Gwyneth Paltrow but i mean the world you're creating is is terrifying i think with Gwyneth Paltrow and and her website goop it's almost like there's this weird sort of one-upmanship. It's like, you know when you see a posh magazine and you see sort of like the latest trends and it's just insane clothes for people who can spend four grand on a T-shirt and that sort of thing. And at the back of mind, you're always thinking like, if I was Versace, would I just, you know, am I just calling their bluff?

Being like, let's see what mad shit I can make them buy next that's gotta be it it's gotta be it it's like it's like what will happen is like balenciaga will basically get like a happy meal box and they'll put rhinestones on it and they'll put it in like a pvc bag and be like ah it's amazing and they'll charge 400 pounds for it i really feel like they like some of it has to be like no one would buy this it's ridiculous like it'd be too stupid it's like you underestimate how stupid people are i saw a balenciaga shirt and it was like it was a normal shirt just like a normal man's shirt but it had a t-shirt sewed to the front of it which he didn't wear so it was like you're wearing a shirt with a t-shirt just stuck on the front as if it just sort of got stuck in the laundry or something and i feel like goop it's that next thing it's like right what can we shove up ourselves next or what can we tell women that

they should do to their vaginas next to like do you think they're gonna do that it sounds pretty fucking mad it's like well i'm a doctor and no one points out that they're always like a doctor of i don't know linguistics or something or like language nothing to do with like vaginal health but they're like yeah yeah stick them right up there, it's fine. Yeah, trust me. All I'm saying is, Dan, you really think Gwyneth Paltrow wants this to go as far as she wants to take it? It's a nice little prank, Gwyneth, I get it. You're trolling the cosmetic industry, but how far do you want to go?

Because all that's going to happen, Dan, is that when it starts getting popular, then I've got to watch a march down the street, and I'm like, what's this protest in Adel? We're tired of the mistreatment of workers who make and cultivate pussy wax for candles. And I'm like, I'm sorry, what the hell did you just say out my window? Did you just say pussy wax?

You know, like they put in pussy scented candles. I'm like, please, I'm speechless. But I think that's how far it can go. Because if it turns out that it's very, very beneficial or lucrative to have vagina based candles, where does it stop? I mean, Dan, we've all had ideas i have always theorized that you know celebrity breast milk would be more lucrative than selling champagne if beyonce had her own brand of breast milk i reckon i could sell outsell lucasade with that stuff yeah yeah i reckon you're right that's a good idea like if kim kardashian had her own brand of breast milk

i reckon that would sell just as well as any kind of echo falls wine to the same demographic yeah definitely yeah at first i found it a bit weird but then i just thought you know like got a bit of kim inside me you know there you go exactly like if you're like what the hell happened in here you cheated on me did i cheat on you i didn't know what's happening i'd ate i hadn't eaten much and i drank about half a bottle of kim juice we all make mistakes something's happening in my home nothing's happening honey i wouldn't cheat on you you wouldn't cheat on me why does the living room smell like guinevere paltrow's pussy then explain that like who you don't want to have those conversations later on in life yeah so it's weird so right at the minute you've got you in the middle you've got one half of the island being sort of turned into some kind

of right wing arms factory that's slaughtering all the mammals you know around the island and the other half is this sort of den of sort of faux new age spiritualism and and and skin care which you're just going to want to stay away from because you know god knows if you'll be like the next kind of human um experiment like dane let me just try this stuff on you you know so it's really good for your skin and like god knows what she's putting on there like precisely so you've got this little sort of patch in the middle where you're just trying to stay out of it um but i mean it's going to be i mean what would the explosions from one side and then probably i don't know god knows what other chemical spills from the other side okay well it's going to be I mean, what would the explosions from one side and then probably, I don't know, God knows what other chemical spills from the other side.

OK, well, who's going to be the third person to try and mix it up further? It could only be the prime minister himself, Boris Johnson. ninja man johnson because of the many many children he has who despite the fact that he's overseeing a track and trace system cannot track and trace his own children yeah it's uh yeah it's so weird i was thinking about that this morning of like we have a prime minister who won't admit how many children he had so it's just like it's just amazing i mean if i was in university, like at my lowest ebb, if someone came and told me, listen, Dane, one day you're going to have a prime minister who has allegedly sniffed loads of coke.

He's got loads of baby mothers that he never sees, maybe implemented in domestic violence. And, you know, may have actually been involved in international fraud. I'd be like, are you serious? What do you think he go to? Luton Polytechnic. I guess there's hope for everyone. And they were like, no, he went to the Bullingdon Club. I'd be like are you serious what do you need to go to lute and polytechnic i guess there's

hope for everyone and they were like no he went to the bollingdon club i'd be like no effing way like if you would describe if i went to william i used to work at william hill if i went to william hill and i was like by 2020 the president with a sniff coke and have about three baby mothers they'd be like sir you need to leave but i'd have got loads of money now loads of money and then they were like this is ridiculous and what about the american president i don't know about him he's gonna have a toupee and have sex with porn stars they'll be like sir if you're going to keep making these kind of bets like what have you been sniffing dane pout your vagina get your shit together yeah there was like this tiny window where he was trying to get elected where he actually started doing his hair a bit i mean it was still like

if he was someone you knew in real life you'd still tell him to brush his hair but considering what his hair normally looked like he kind of started pulling it together a bit so he's like i'm responsible look i can brush my hair and now it's just gone so far out the window again and you see him negotiating with these people from the eu who just look like sort of look like what you expect politicians to look like yeah and it's just like who sent this fucking guy it looks like he's been kicked down the stairs he's like a scarecrow or something in a suit and like we've sent him off to be like our top guy it's just like i mean i know like churchill was a bit of a mess sometimes you know and a bit sort of loose around the edges but like someone can brush

your fucking hair mate come on listen i i i'm not saying I'm a massive fan of Churchill and, you know, again, rough around the edges, but we were in the midst of one of the greatest conflicts in human history. So you've got an excuse for being a bit dishevelled, right? Yeah. If you're kind of like, oh, sorry, my tie's a bit loose only because I'm just trying to save the entirety

of my population from constant bombing. Like, that's a good reason. Whereas if you are the prime minister and you show up like it's the first day of work experience i feel like that doesn't fill people with confidence you know in the same way that if you saw a pilot and the pilot came on the came on to the loudspeaker was like uh ladies and gentlemen oh before i begin my oh i cannot fucking see somebody get me a coke i'm fucking done oh mate can I have a fucking Red Bull anyway we'll be flying

at an altitude of 10,000 feet you'll be like get me off this fucking plane can I see the guy in the cockpit and then he comes out and you're like are there blood stains

on your shirt and he's like that shit can happen when you're shaving and you're like but you've shaved and he meant my nipple ring

obviously you'd be like I don't want him to fly the plane and that's I feel like like Boris Johnson is basically like if you were to

read his cv or listen to somebody read his personal statement alongside the personal statement of various people that have worked in magaluf uh as magaluf holiday reps you wouldn't be able to tell the difference how many kids you got i don't know do you know what i mean ever done any cocaine but i dabbled a little bit i had a few lines another day and all that stuff and the day it happens and what about your hair mate i was fucking done this i was put got what put what i could together and then came to work that's how holiday reps talk not how like if i told you that if you if you went to an oncologist dan and you were like doctor i found a lump on my testicle what do you think it is and he was like and then jumped in the fridge where they keep the syringes you'd be like can i have a lump on my testicle what do you think it is and he was like and then jumped in the

fridge where they keep the syringes you'd be like can i have a new fucking gp please and this guy is dealing with a global pandemic and he hid in a fridge and it's not just a hidden fridge remember dan as we were told as kids you can die by hiding in a fridge you will suffocate because of the cfcs like there's enough episodes of grain chill and home and away like every single young adult soap opera and sitcom had that one episode when they're playing in the junkyard and one kid hides in the fridge and everyone's like oh shit where's timothy like there's about 20 episodes of casualty where kids were playing in the junkyard and somebody hid in the fridge and almost didn't make it and he has clearly not seen one of these episodes still hiding in the fridge

like even if you went to a public school even if you didn't go to school you know not to hide in the fridge and i think that's why he has to be on this island because i'm really trying to create a true dystopia and it wouldn't be a real dystopia and a real nightmare if there wasn't somebody on an island where I was like all right everybody now somehow I've taken some magnesium and some lithium and I've taken the batteries from the wreckage and I've been able to make a makeshift lighthouse all we need is where the fuck has the salt water gone I was going to use for the battery Boris oh sorry boy I was rather thirsty

but I was also quite peckish at the same time and I couldn't come across any tortillas for some nachos so I said to myself maybe if the salinity of the salt and the water would help me to be both refreshed as well as have my hunger satiated at the same time I'm like you're not supposed to fucking drink salt water Boris why the fuck would you do that no no don't hide in the coconut cooler

don't hide in the coconut cooler boris so i just feel like you know just looking at the handling of a crisis of the scale of a pandemic when he said everyone stay at home but go to work but when you go to work only talk to friends you work with, but also in groups of six, unless that six includes twins. In which case, I don't know one of them, my family life, who, but stay home, but go to work. Please be safe. Take a risk every now and again. But and then everyone's like, all right, we should stay home. Yes, it's imperative you stay home. But your friend didn't stay home. Oh, yeah, but he...

And then back into a fridge. Like, no one could handle this worse if they tried. Like, at the beginning when he was kind of like, ah, guys, it's so okay. It's so okay to... This is not a big deal. I'm going to shake hands just so you know. And then he was like,

oh, I believe I've become rather sick. This is perfect. Like, because, you know, at some point, both the pre,

the aforementioned parties of Patel and Paltrow will be like, we need to get off this island. Okay. Let's give it a go because we both have sound business models

that can wreak havoc and harmony across the world, respectively. And we're all there on the ship. I'm like we need to do now guys is use this coconut lamp to what the fuck is the coconut milk for this boris are you serious no frankly sorry oh boy it what happened is i so i've been led by the vaginal sense of wellness and again i've become very thirsty and i remembered as you said that salt water

is not great for me it's like coconut water and I found myself gorging on it and you know it actually turns out the combination of this deceptive vagina

and coconut water actually is somewhat of an aphrodisiac and you know I chanced upon a dolphin who was obviously rather affectionately aroused as well

and I felt like it was an intentional I'm like how have you gone this far Boris and I think at some point i would have to speak to pretty in private and be like pretty listen first of all love what you're doing hail satan now somehow boris has maintained his position of power despite the fact that i would not trust

this guy to open a tin of beans without causing an incident and he's still alive there has to be a secret to his mortality is it magic is it genetic predisposition is there a deal with satan that he made maybe during freshers week when you and satan first had sex pretty i need to find out everything you know here is a bamboo stick with my own shield in it for for you to use, at your arm's fair, because, I just think, yeah, you can't do, like, even if you are, a racist conservative,

and you believe, that you are, genetically predisposed, to be superior to everybody else, and that, the taste, of having sex with a relative, is more important,

than equality around the world, even if that's what you believe, fine, but, Boris Johnson, can't be the best of you like there are like i'm sure i've met equally rich equally capitalist focused excessive indulgent corporate capitalist before i'm sure i have but even they must know that boris johnson doesn't know what

the hell he is doing right i mean for our country considering every oh and then he's like uh and i also feel like because of his handling of brexit that's how we can guarantee that like you know we may not get off this island because he'll be like i saw a rescue boat and i'd be like so why didn't you get them to rescue us and he was like well you see old boys it's quite it's too split what happened was is that i said i feel like if they don't provide us with access to all their resources and therefore give us sovereignty over their country then we will not allow them to enter our country this island and therefore begin a rescue mission and i'll be like but boris we need to get off the fucking island yeah i know why but they don't want to come here and then by them entering our borders i feel

like we should charge them a heavy uh import duty to in order for them to remove said products products do you fucking mean us boris no don't go to the coconut cooler don't go to the coconut cooler and that's just pretty much going to be my uh day of diplomacy with this guy yeah yeah i think that's exactly what will happen i mean also you know most boats that come to rescue you are likely to be fishing boats and him and the fishermen don't have a great relationship, you know, so he'll probably have fucked that avenue of escape. The other thing is, I think, like, as you're saying about him sort of trying to, his sort of way of dealing with getting off the island is basically,

his idea of dealing with any crisis is to say, oh, come got through world war ii we'll be okay come on blitz spirit and all that and you go yeah but most people would prefer not to have been in the fucking blitz in the first place especially if it was by their own making which is sort of what you've done so why don't you actually come up with some solutions rather than just going, oh, years and years and years ago, the British got through some shit times. We're the same. That's his whole philosophy. And I think that'd be a problem when he's a slut

because his whole thing is like, hey, nobody died. Yes, they did. I mean, no one I know died. No one I know died is what I mean there. And so, no, that should be okay. And I feel like, yeah, that's the problem is that he always looks at these extremes from which he enjoys a complete distance from to

justify what he's doing and like i said he'll be like well you know i mean piranhas will eat limbs every now and again because like say gwyneth's come back to the come back to the island and she's got a toe missing due to a piranha based mishap and he's like you know piranhas eat people all the time and i'm sure there's various limbs in the sea so maybe you've lost a toe missing due to a piranha-based mishap. And he's like, you know, piranhas eat people all the time, and I'm sure there's various limbs in the sea, so maybe you've lost a toe, Gwyneth, but in some other way, maybe a toe will wash up on shore and you can have a whole new toe. Who knows? It's, you know, it's the, you know, it's a lottery in that respect.

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about, Boris? And I can definitely see him kind of being like, it's not that bad. You know, I mean, piranhas eat limbs sometimes, and I feel like perhaps if we allow the piranhas to eat it until they gorge themselves, perhaps then we create a state of piranha-based obesity. And then we could in turn eat them. And then we are able to provide food for ourselves as opposed to fishing. Or maybe if we bait the waters with our bodies and fish,

piranhas arrive, this will save the fishing interest within the island itself. It's like, have you been fishing here once, Boris? And that's no, but I've, you know, I've been planning to speak

to various parties regarding the experience. And so, you know, people have starved before. We're not exactly starving at this particular point. No, we're not starving because Preeti is selling human flesh.

Oh, is that what that was? I feel like if it's a foreign meat, I don't know if it can be counted as the same. Is it cannibalism? You know, Preeti has several times alluded to the fact that she considers immigrants and asylum seekers to be subhuman, and therefore I believe by eating their flesh, it's not

exactly cannibalism if the person who has made their flesh does not consider these people to be human and so I'm just like Boris seriously we have never been on this island are we buddy yeah yeah I think your only way off would be to use him as some kind of raft and that's about it I think Preeti is I imagine is cutthroat enough that she'd relish the chance to sort of dispose of her her leader so that she could rise through the ranks so but as soon as she's done that you're not coming with her she's just out of there riding off in on boris as a raft into the sunset and and you're stuck with gwyneth and her candles so yeah i don't i think any way you cut it it's going to be a tricky

scenario so uh yeah a well-chosen trio with dicks there dane very good very good now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink from 2020 what are they and why are they so bad okay oh let's see what we got here okay this is uh it's kind of like internet macaroni cheese recipes so this is like lobster mac and cheese and i'm just like it's very hard to imagine that in a time of global starvation and starving children that people are putting lobster in macaroni cheese and as someone who's lactose intolerant that's right people was like dang where do you have that face oh it's a face that grew up without ice cream so that's why and yeah macaroni

and cheese is as lactose filled as it gets and honestly we're living in a time where our government is deciding whether or not to feed uh impoverished children you can't just happy having lobster on a tuesday it's not okay dan it's not okay it Dan. It's not okay. It's too rich. And, you know, I'm all for body positivity, but you can't be eating lobster tail and mac and cheese on a Tuesday and then be like, people stigmatise me because of my size. This is not Tuesday food. Yeah, fair enough.

I think there's a weird thing with, like, mac and cheese. It's sort of like this cult-like following. And it's like I've never really understood it. I'm like, this is just sort of like this cult-like following and it's like i've never really understood it i'm like this is just sort of shit pasta isn't it it's like not like i'm not saying it has to be like artisanal italian amazing pasta every time but like this is kind of like the bottom rung of pasta and people are like oh no it's so good though and then it sort of goes the other way you've got these like weird movements in food one is like going oh yeah let's make everything dirty and have a like a burger with four patties and some bacon and and macaroni and cheese in it yeah that's what i mean like macaroni and cheese you know better than this you know

if you are a side dish to something whoever's eating this has gone way too far if the last day is like a whole family dinner or it's christmas time macaroni and cheese is quite a luxury outside the caribbean community like mac and cheese is like a mac and cheese is quite a luxury. Outside the Caribbean community, macaroni and cheese is kind of like the equivalent of peri-peri chips or, I guess, macho peas. It's like a premium side dish. But nonetheless, it's still supposed to be enjoyed. When you start adding truffle oil and crab meat to it, like you said, we are – I mean, it's one of the best examples of the polishing

of a turd and i shouldn't say it's a turd but i am lactose intolerant and a massive so i'm intolerant but i just think it's just going way too far because i can eat if i eat this at lunchtime i'm not waking up again until 7 p.m on a hospital bed with a ventilator because it's just too rich yeah and also if someone said i've got this dish for like mac and cheese with lobster wouldn't you rather just say can i have some nice lobster pasta instead do you know what i mean like can you like if you're gonna spend that much on elevating the dish by putting lobster in it just like make a proper nice pasta dish don't just like it's like going you know like i've got these these truffles but i'm gonna put them on the super noodles you know i like super

noodles not sure about truffles but like you'm going to put them on the super noodles. I like super noodles. Not sure about truffles, but you could probably find a better use for both those things. Some words, when they come together, it is an abomination. Rice, delicious. Cake, delicious. Rice cake, that's the subversive way of oppressing women. Liquor, ice, can't beat it. Licorice, are we still at war?

Popcorn, wonderful. Licorice. Are we still at war? Ugh. Popcorn. Wonderful. Chicken. Wonderful. Popcorn, chicken. Someone call health services. That's not okay. We don't even know what nuggets are.

Now you want to eat chicken in the form of popcorn? Why wasn't chicken enough for you people? Why was that not enough? And why did it have to be that snack? Why don't you get chicken crisps? Or chicken squares? Or, you know, you know why you don't have those because they already exist it's called fries okay there was no need for popcorn chicken

what are you hungry or peckish it's one of the two if you're hungry have some chicken if you're peckish or at the movies have some popcorn having popcorn chicken means you are eating a meal that is way over the curriculum for your stomach yeah no okay and popcorn chicken was shortlisted but i'm going with lobster mac and cheese because it is too rich and it's one of these it's one of those things you see on instagram where people are just always peeling out and it's like this is the macaroni with four types of cheese and i feel like lobster lobster should not be as frequented as mac and cheese like you can get all the cheese and macaroni relatively easily in society. Lobster, not so much.

So those shouldn't even be appearing that often in the same thing. It's like when I went to a hotel in Dubai once, and there was just a bucket of Alaskan snow crab. And I'm like, don't fishermen die getting this stuff? And they were like, yeah, whatever. Just put it next to the burgers and shut up. And I'm like, I need to start being more about sustainability so i don't doubt that it's not delicious i just feel like you know when we live in a country where obesity is a

real issue because i remember there was a time when you know being able to have fish every day or on the weekend it was on the weekends was a luxury up north like you get like chips and scraps or chips and bits depending on where you are up north but now anyone can get fish anytime because now we farm fish including lobster and i'm not sure if that's okay especially because you know lobsters make that sound when you put them in a pot and people are like oh don't worry they're not screaming it's just air coming out of their bodies i'm like that's exactly what screaming is that's exactly what screaming is it's your body producing longitudinal waves that create a sound that's what screaming is they're like oh yeah shut up they have some mac and cheese so that's my issue with mac and cheese

yeah on an island it's not what you want like the mac and cheese is going to get all congealed the lobster i mean lobster is probably all right on an island but it's probably quite easy to get food poisoning of shellfish isn't it as well god knows what pretty's been up to with her genetically modified fucking experiments on the side yeah if you think that she's not making people watch lobsters be tortured into in the form of mac and by being drowned in mac and cheese i'm sure she does it i'm sure she does it i'm sure she tries to pay per view for you big old russian oligarchs show up at the side of the island and she's like who's hungry and then drops all of these lobsters into, yeah, into these hot vats of like four different types of cheese,

including ricotta, which is way too rich for a macaroni and cheese. But Pree's lost her fucking mind, Daniel. And I don't control that side of the island. Yeah, I think it's a very good choice. It is. And what are you going to attempt to wash that down with? What's your drink choice? Oh, the drink which I would despise washing down, I believe, would be...

I've noticed there's a... I don't know who manufactured it, but there's a smoothie and it's blue. Oh, yeah. Is it innocent? I think it might be innocent. And it's like, nothing innocent is fucking blue. Yeah, it's like on the advert, it's like, you know, because their advertising is all just sort of like really sort of to the point.

And they've gone, we've made a smoothie and it's blue. I'm like, it shouldn't be blue. What the fuck? A blue thee is not okay, Dan. The last time I saw a blue drink being enjoying and refreshing, it was long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away in a great spin-off series called the mandalorian and even then i'd be like i've seen where that blue milk comes from

because i also watched the rise of skywalker when luke skywalker's like milking these uh i guess they're like dinosaur cows and dinosaurs are extinct and so where else can blue milk be coming from also why would milk be blue in the first place? Like, lobsters are blue because of the circulation of their blood. That's why it's not oxidized. So I don't know what they're drinking. Like, there's no fruit that's blue. Even blueberries are kind of purple more than anything. So I'm just like, what fruit could possibly be in this to give it this kind of color?

And I feel like given that, you know, the idea about drinking a smoothie is that it's healthy and this is very cynical and i'm also cynical of anyone that refers to themselves as innocent especially when their bottles are plastic innocent company yeah yeah i think they're owned by coca-cola now aren't they as well there you go good old coca-cola this one comes with a little bubble hat on it look how fun we are and if you don't like it well then you don't enjoy father christmas because that red one belongs to us too and that's from the ceo of coca-cola but yeah innocent i just feel like i feel like you are actually very very guilty of contributing to the decay of children's tea and uh they taste nice but i

think any drink you might have a sip of and then like about three minutes later you could start chewing your teeth because there's like bits of sugar in there not good for you and i just think you know for a smoothie like any smoothie that makes my eye twitch it's not good for you yeah because they do that thing of going if you look on the back and say i contain three grapes five satsumas and they kind of tell you but it's like and a fucking load of sugar which they sort of managed to innocently forget off the exactly and that's always weird when they pretend that the bottle is sentient it's like i contain this many things and it's like i also contain sugar shut the fuck

up sugar you shut the fuck up we're talking about us okay we want to know what the fuck cornstarch meant we'd ask you you fucking shut the fuck up i also contain vitamin d and some spirulina and some omega-3 also contain me shut your fucking fat face up you fucking fat cunt that's how it treats sugar and i find it very scary when things talk about what they contain it's always this weird kind of like i suppose like this anthropomorphisation of like things like, if it can talk back to you, it's nice and healthy,

like in a Disney film. Like, you know, if the birds and the rabbits are still singing, then you get to forget that they have their own lives and their own sexual maturity at some point in their lives. And they just want to be like babies with you forever. It's not like hamsters don't eat their own fucking young.

La, la, la, la, la. Yeah, I agree. I feel like with the blue one, they made all these new smoothies. And then they thought, if we do it blue, loads of kids are going to buy it. You know when you're little and you're just attracted to the most weird? Of course. Because it makes your tongue blue as well. And if your tongue's blue, then you're different to everybody else like a kid.

And you're an alien. And that's what everybody wants and that's what makes it even less innocent that you know by having these bright luminous colours you know who you are

attracting yeah because no adults are drinking blue things no adults only adults who are drinking blue things are performing on Star Wars

it's like when you know when people go hey try Carly extra cold because they think people are being like oh you know the problem with my beer

is that yes it does get me drunk and provides a form of escapism from my existential crisis of being alive but it's not cold enough that's what the problem is and they go oh well now it's extra cold you're like phew guess i can go to work on monday in peace it's the same it's the same very dubious marketing tactic to make these brightly colored different drinks and also i think it's also part of the same thing when coca-cola did a different coloured can to reflect the pride flag because at the same time i guess like that's what the lgb community was like was like we just need we need for

carbonated beverages to represent us that's the lack that's the problem i can't drink coke unless it's coke with the rainbow i don't think anybody was doing that what somebody was starburst and they were doing a great job without coca-cola getting involved yeah exactly um i mean i'm aware that someone will be out there listening going actually adults do drink blue things uh wkd blue but if you're drinking wkd blue you're not an adult that's like it doesn't matter how old you are also if you're an adult you're drinking wkd blue you have the right to do that but we have the right to check your internet browsing history yeah we know what's going to be on there and you know it's going to be on there because you're still drinking wkds or if you ever drank wkds as an adult you were already you're going somewhere where there weren't other adults

i won't say any more about it but you know what we mean buddy you know what you mean yeah i think it's a very good choice though i think you're gonna although you'll think that you're getting some fruit and vitamins from it like basically it's going to be overridden by all the sugar and crap in it and you know you're gonna have a blue tongue and it's just not a pleasant thing i'm gonna have a blue tongue and also i will put it in the fridge and come back and somebody would have drunk it and now there's only one suspect and he's like well don't see how you can always accuse me because you live here is why boris because you live in this fridge that's why but um yeah i just think as a drink i think it's it's just weird that people are still making these drinks now when um you know panda pops covered that with blue raspberry many many years ago and yeah i think and

i just think the idea of trying to reimagine this drink as being very posh and trying to give it some fake nutritional benefits is just really below the belt and um yeah i feel like you can't call yourself innocent where if someone drinks you for long enough they have to have their leg amputated due to diabetes yeah you make a very good point it's a very good point and uh yeah that and fucking macaroni cheese with lobster is just it's just a absolute nightmare it's too it's too extreme ends of the spectrum and i think we've gone this way as a society where we introduced the concept of gourmet burger a burger exists because people can't really afford the other cuts of meat so a burger by its nature is never really going to be gourmet because anytime meat is mechanically recovered and smushed together to make a patty, then I don't think it's going to be gourmet of any kind.

In the same way that like, you know, I feel like a lot of us walk around with the misconception that ham comes from the same pig. When really ham is an abbreviation of the statement, how many motherfucking pigs went into making this piece of meat? So we just need to grow up and in the year of 2020 have 2020 vision and be aware of what we're putting inside of ourselves um you know because you got your body's a temple your body is a temple yeah fair enough fair enough you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one

across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, now Dane, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working working settings one is your least favorite film of 2020

and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why that's a good one the song one the thing is it's such a bad song i'm not sure if the song came out this year but um oh yeah it's called a song called oh no by capone and uh it's constantly and basically people use it for like tiktok scenarios that they sell so people on tiktok will do like 45 second sitcoms and they'll be like the face you make when you open a door and someone else is in the living room oh no oh no no no no no we get it i get it what is the point and it's like watching 20 million plus people have the same idea it just really makes me frown for humanity and that song is basically the song that kind of that song is kind of the um it's a soundtrack for it it's like you know if you

like to go to on holiday but you don't have imagination then the song um what's that song called um it's just um yeah so it's one of these songs which I think have been played to the point where it's almost like you know when I hear songs like that it's like

if I ever was extraordinarily renditioned by the CIA and taken to a black site this is the song I'd hear in the background

while they were sharpening like the torture implements and that's what that's what that song sounds like yeah definitely I think you don't want anything

that's going to remind you too much of the outside world in that sort of respect it's going to just sort of remind you of irritating stuff at some point i can imagine one of them is going to go hey oh my kids like this song look can you do the dance look i can do the dance look my kids taught me and you're like gwyneth come on man i don't don't care if apple taught you the dance to um so you can already see it and then I don't care if Apple taught you the dance to the TikTok thing. You can already see it. And then she's like, and the thing is, you have to listen to this song on another level. He's saying, oh, no.

But what he means is, oh, no, no, no. And I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, Gwyneth. And she's like, yeah, Apple taught me this. And, you know, this is the way you're supposed to. And I'm not doing TikToks on this island. I'm not doing TikToks on this island.'m not doing TikToks on this island yeah it's like you're on an island it's your only form of music but it also kind of has the effect of watching a load of uh millennials get really excited about something you don't quite understand as well do you know what I mean so it's like

it's double barreled you know it's double-edged it's uh yeah it's going to be a fucking nightmare either way it's gonna be tough and also because the words are so simple it becomes very catchy and then people are repeating it all the time and so you try and get it at your head then when you go for your morning and cleaning you hear somebody else humming it then you go another part island and one of the captives from a rescue mission who's currently being tortured by pretty between screaming for his life he's humming the song so now you can't get it out of your head and i was like do i want to hear the torture screams or don't want to hear this stupid song at this point i can't even decide no then you're this close to od'ing on a goop

candle and gwen is like don't do it i'll save you so you almost are at the brink of death she brings you back to death brings back to life with mouth to mouth and resuscitates you and while she's doing it she's like oh no she's like, Oh no, Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Pushing your chest. You're like, Oh, I was almost, which is much worse. Yeah. I think it's a very solid choice. What would your film choice be?

My film choice would be, and it may be surprising. I'm popular opinion. Mom would take a risk. It'd be the film bad boys for life. Hmm. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. With Will Smith, because I don't know, Dan, unpopular opinion mom and take a risk it'd be the film bad boys for life okay yeah yeah with will smith because i don't know dan i think i just got to a point in my life and my age where to be honest

given all the social upheaval that's happened here and in the states i actually think it's weird when i see rappers playing police officers Because there's this weird conspiracy theory that it's like about the effeminization of black men. Like they say, when you're a black comic or actor, when for you to be a mainstream film, so you make yourself more palatable to larger white audiences or global audiences, they'll put you in a dress, they'll make you dress in drag or make you act camp. Now, there may be some validity to this conspiracy, but what I find more troubling is the fact that they tried to legitimise the image of law enforcement using rappers as actors.

Because Ice Cube told me when I was a kid to fuck the police. And then, now I'm an adult, he plays the police with Kevin Hart in Ride Along. Twice. Then he played a cop in 21 Jump Street. And then Ice-T had a song called Body Count about killing people, including the police. Then he played the police in Law and Order. I'm like, what? But I was telling everyone to fuck the police.

What's happened here? And then the bad boys one is because they're bad boys. And they constantly flout the codes of conduct within the police department. And that seems to be okay. Have you seen the first bad boy film? Yeah, I've seen the first and the second one, I think. Yeah, you ought to remember, Dan,

that film begins because Mike Lowry, played by Will Smith, is taking revenge for his lady love who was killed by Fouché, who was the Corsican drug dealer. But she was a sex worker. Are we not going to deal with the fact that there is a police officer in a sexual relationship

with a sex worker in Florida where sex work is not legal and she's been shot and we're trying to use police resources for you to locate the killer or a prostitute? Does no one want to know why a fully grown man who drives a Porsche in Miami even wants to engage in law enforcement? Can't you do another

job Mike Lowry? You're not doing it for the money. Why don't you do some community outreach so these kids will end up on the streets where they've got to get roughed up by bad boys in the first place? I don't like Mike Lowry and I don't like what he stands for. I find him to use very excessive force and for little justification for it

and even though it's Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, now that I'm older, there's a very weird precedent that you guys constantly use brutality and underhanding tactics to obtain results.

But because it's Will Smith, we all go, ha ha ha, that's okay. And that's why I'm like, I don't like bad boys for life. Also, I'm almost 40. So how fucking old is Will Smith to still be being called a boy?

You're too old to be being called a boy. Like the first Bad Boys came out when I was in, I was in secondary school when that came out. I was in high school when Bad Boys 1 came out. It's almost 20 years later and you're still being a police officer. Why haven't you been promoted, like Mike Lowry? Yeah, that's a very good point. I also think there's something about sequels where you're like,

there's such big gaps with the bad boys films that I don't think anyone was really asking for another one. Do you know what I mean? Nobody was. And nobody was asking for any more positive portrayals about law enforcement before we deal with the issues of law enforcement. So I was like, yeah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah. And then Martin Lawrence was put on so much weight, which is fine, body positivity all day, and you're a grown man, but you are no longer a bad boy. If you can't climb up a flight of stairs, you're not a bad boy anymore. There is no reason for Mike Lowry

to still be driving around in a Porsche beating up people for selling weed in Miami. Also, Miami is a city that was built on drug dealing. So what these guys are doing, I do not know. They will do all that stuff in Miami. They fucking miss Jeffrey Epstein. How about that for bad boys for life? Yeah.

I think I went off the franchise. I remember watching the second one, and there's a bit where in order to catch a handful of bad people, they drive a Hummer through a favela in Brazil. Just like... Exactly. They're sort of built around like a hill and they just drive down the hill just through all these kind of little favelas and these like corrugated iron shacks and it's like well you almost got the bad guys

so and it just feels like such a metaphor for american foreign policy you know exactly and and and normalizing it because that's the thing with Michael Bay films, every time an American walks away from them, you'll walk away with a justification for your military industrial complex. Independence Day, they killed the aliens with a nuke, which means Americans will go, damn, good job, we still got them

nukes, or Transformers. The Decepticons were beaten in the first film using a nuke, so you walk away being like, good job, we had them nukes. Then you watch Pearl Harbor, and you're like, I can't believe they killed everybody at Pearl Harbor. Them guys deserve a nuke. That's what happened after Pearl Harbor.

So, you know, you watch Bad Boys, and again, it's kind of like, oh, these are just two beat officers from the city of Miami. Now they're in a completely different country, subverting international policy and destroying the homes of Miami. Now they're in a completely different country subverting international policy and destroying the homes of people in favelas to catch one criminal who is also not from this country. And you're telling me that none of them

interacted with anybody from Interpol? If you are doing this, Mike Lowry, still, you mean so you've both participated in international narcotics operations and you still have to be a beat cop? Get another job. Be a private, work in private security then. Why are you still have to do be a beat cop get another job be a private working private security then why are you still working in miami yeah because if he's never been promoted as

you say it's a good point it's either because like he's not very good at his job or just that he's got such a weird fixation for sort of going out and beating people up that you know probably shouldn't be if you are rich enough to live in miami and buy and drive a porsche he had a different porsche in the new one so you've been able to buy two porsches over the course of 20 years mike lowry now personally if someone's working in narcotics and they are driving a porsche to a police station why is internal affairs not investigating them that would be a great premise for bad boys if they're like the real bad boys are the members of law enforcement that are using money monetary gain for their own corruption i'd

watch that shit with will smith in it well maybe not will smith maybe michael b jordan but like will smith is almost 50 and he's a scientologist you're not a bad boy anymore yeah yeah you've like got to hand back your membership you have to hand back your membership you're not a bad boy anymore you can't be a bad boy anymore like you turn down the matrix to do wild wild west like your bad boy status has been got has gone like i would watch a wild wild west too long before i'd watch a bad boys forever like or bad boys for life yeah yeah it did seem like the film that nobody was asking for and it was just is i wouldn't be surprised if it was the idea of will smith and martin lawrence and they were just having dinner one night and they were like oh you know when we were young that was good wasn't it you know like bad boy oh i loved us in

bad boys we were great and i like you know people love old shit rework that no one asked i think the last four years with trump's election has been responsible for that resurgence of nostalgia for all these old strongmen and right wing focused films because they just did another Creed and Sylvester Stallone was in that there was that new Expendables movie so I think the last four years is about

scraping the 80s and 90s barrel for old icons you know in that second Creed film like Dolph Lundgren is back in the film playing the father of the young kid i'm like are you still encouraging our children to be punched in the face dolph lundgren but all right fine and then it's like how's your life been since you was boxing dolph lundgren oh it's gone to shit and it's just my child's anything i have in my life and his mother

is a member of the uh russian federation government and she despises me and him too and that's the real humanity of the film, I'm like we've scraped the barrel enough, like we've had a new Bad Boys film, a new Rocky film like they're still doing Mission Impossible, like Ethan Hunt, how are you still I watched the last Mission Impossible film

and Tom Cruise got hit by a motorcycle and then he got up and dusted off his jacket and kept it moving and I'm like, that is outrageous at this particular point. But I think now that these films, and I think because these films have seen the success of the Marvel movie franchise, I think everyone's

trying to revive all of these kind of like hero kind of genres and kind of ramping it all up. But I feel like, yeah, that was, like you said, that's a film that nobody asked for like at this point in time we don't have a sequel to who framed roger rabbit and we don't even know who's going to be the next black panther and you know i mean no one really asked for a matrix but there's so many things that we could be making sequels from we do not need another bad boys for life and i think

they've expanded it now and made it so like there going to be a bad boys team which includes women, which again does not really lend to the title and I just feel like, why don't we have more conversations about, you know, like I said for me, I just found it very strange that you have all of these rappers playing police officers, because there's

loads of rappers, like Method Man from Wu-Tang has been a police officer. In fact, Ice-T was also one in New Jack City. Yeah, Ice-T was one in New Jack City as well. So even that's weird. And then I think even Tupac played a cop in Gridlocked with Tim Roth. Yeah, so it's all fucked.

And I think as well, even though I think the original Bad Boys movie wasn't a great place to start from, at least you'd have sort of nostalgia. I remember it came out when I was at school. I remember watching it on video with my mates and stuff. So at least there'd have sort of nostalgia like you know i remember like saying you know it came out when i was at school i remember watching it on video with my mates and stuff so at least there'd be a little bit of like oh yeah i know i know the catchphrases you know i know how it all goes whereas if you're just watching this shit rehashed 20 years later where they're clearly past it it's just gonna great it's like it's too close to the thing that might offer you some sort

of salvation exactly and also will smith and martin lawrence are probably older than me by 10 years and i look up to them so i when i sit them both watch them both sitting down in this film with not one gray hair i'm like well that's not true is it yeah exactly that's why you can't be bad boys because you you're getting old and there's nothing wrong with getting old but you should be in more executive positions within the canon of the show. You know, imagine if you saw Darth Vader in The Mandalorian. Like the same dude that played Darth Vader being like, he's too old to fight now.

Like Palpatine in Star Wars, he don't get up. He does all of his dark side sitting down. He can't stand up. He's too old. But you've got Martin Lawrence ducking stray bullets and sliding across bonnets into Porsches and stuff. It's too old yeah but you got martin lawrence ducking stray bullets and sliding across bonnets into porsches and stuff it's too much yeah i bet they probably found it too much at the time when they were filming it as well but um you know if that means they can sit on their

asses for 20 years then you know fair enough yeah that's true that's true but i'm just saying you know no one wants a beverly hills cop four or, please. We don't need that. Yeah, oh Christ, that's got to be revisited at some point. I wouldn't be surprised. Okay, all right. Now, Dane, finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It would have to be the murder hornet of earlier 2020. Oh yeah, I forgot about the murder hornet.

Yeah, I mean, it's not enough that they're murder hornet of earlier 2020 oh yeah i forgot about the murder hornet yeah i mean it's not enough that they're murder hornets but they directly talk like it's not enough that bees have enough problems with their numbers being reduced and you know thereby potentially devastating our food chain but now their brethren from the similar phylum and class taxonomically speaking the murder hornet are killing bees as well and cutting off their heads yeah i love the thing with murder hornet it seems like a really like basic way of like upping the killer bee you know so someone's going exactly yeah so it's not a killer bee it's bigger it's like a murder hornet and then someone's gone yeah that's what

we call it that's exactly what's happened we're not going to workshop this a bit and then someone's gone yeah that's what we call it that's exactly what's happened we're not going to workshop this a bit more someone's gonna be like oh yeah oh yeah well in 2021 it's going to be genocide wasps yeah exactly yeah people just keep trying to like level it up and it's like why can't they be killer hornets because they've got killer bees or maybe that's what happened and this is what happened maybe the killer bees started like attacking regular hornets and colonized their spaces and then started having sex with them. You know, because of habitat destruction, grizzly bears and polar bears are now mixing. Really?

You now get growler bears or grizzler bears, whichever sounds more dangerous. I like that. So now you've got grizzler bears. And I feel grizzler sounds real scary. People kind of be like, oh, mate, it sounds've got grizzler bears and i feel grizzler sounds real scary people kind of be like oh my days it sounds like a grizzler bear and then be horribly horribly surprised when they're devoured by a grizzler bear but um i think yeah murder hornets is excessive because it kind of suggests as if they're doing premeditated murder so are they like in a beehive with a very small organogram being like this is the one that controls the honey here he's in charge

of all of the northern nests whereas this and do they that controls the honey here he's in charge of all of the northern nests where this and do they actually plan the murders so it's like you know sniping each other and being like and just doing a whole campaign or is it some kind of ritualistic murder thing but i just think murder hornet sounds terrible i feel like they're very full of themselves you know because normally people go for killer there's killer whale killer bee you don't get murder hornets animals don't murder like murder is the idea of you having to take another life out of malice or with malicious intent or for some kind of gain like murder hornets who would you need to murder who's offended you i feel like if you're going to declare an

ideology of that nature will you just be murdering everything i want to know why you kind of shop and start murdering people hornets what did we take from you now i know don't get me wrong humans take shit from everyone but i don't recall coming to you for your honey so what's the problem murder hornets you can't just show up and start kidding people indiscriminately that's our species job yeah it's true it's true i think i don't know it's so also it feels like the wrong time for like a new like any other year that would be the thing you were like oh yeah looking back at 2020 fucking the murder hornets you know it's like 2014 like there was the horse meat in the lasagna that was the thing that happened you know but 2020 it's like i just think they're

stupid because they missed the you know in terms of pr it's the wrong time time the wrong time in the cycle it's like no no we've got a pandemic we haven't got time for a fucking murder hornet as well however you've branded yourself wrong time wrong time especially because you know they kind of like you said they kind of pushed in between plagues you know i feel like they've gone for biblical but it's like there's no point in showing up in between hurricanes and wildfires we can't we can't work it out now would have been good time now see me personally if i saw murder hornets at winter then i know you're about business because the days are shorter after the solstice there's no reason for you to be out here other than committing murder but they were like we're gonna be there during spring

it's like well it sounds like you're just kind of attention seeking hornets rather than murder hornets yeah yeah it's i think like they're more like a sort of equivalent of like a gang of kids that hangs around your street than an actual mafia like you know i mean they're all talk but there's no longevity to it not at all also being out here being like we be killing we killing it's like i'm not if you know this but there's a single cell organism going by the name covid19 that's doing this much better than you are guys because who the fuck are you yeah i can swat a murder hornet i can swat a murder i can spray a murder hornet the difference is if you spray bleach on a murder hornet it will

die yeah if you inject a murder hornet with bleach or expose it to ultraviolet light that would probably work and then donald trump would have been correct but it doesn't work with covid so i just think murder hornets i think it was a big like murder hornets for me like you know it was it's like it's one of these things that have been misnamed you know like grapefruit or anteater like there's somebody like boris johnson who very clearly was on work experience on that day yeah yeah absolutely and also just them like filling the island as well is just unbearable so like dealing with that you don't have pretty patel has manufactured it in her lab or like and gwyneth paltrow is probably going to say oh no but if you get the venom and you put

it in your lips it really plumps them up nicely and it's just like the truth is we all know the only thing that repels murder hornets are gwyneth's candles yeah well you know what dane i think that's a fitting time to end because i think you've filled this island with i mean it's good that it's an end of year one because i think this might be the worst collection of people and things that we've had this year as well so uh i feel that maybe we can now we've purged that from our system we've got a vague shot at getting 2021 right so thank you very much for that dane and uh thank you for coming on again and uh and revisiting the the podcast and um and where's best for people to keep up to date with everything that you're doing at the minute day cool thank you very much dan i appreciate and my sacrifice saves the world from these plagues if people want to find more about my ideas and enjoy what they've heard they can find me on my

podcast which is Dane Baptiste Questions Everything which is available on iTunes, Acast and Spotify. Also I have my own YouTube channel to check out clips and content on. Oh and I have a special on Amazon Prime which is called Discussions About Nothing and Everything. And I will be having a new pilot on BBC Three and BBC One next year, which is called Bemis. So if you go to damebaptistacard.uk, you can find all the info there. Brilliant. Nice one. Loads to catch up on. That's wicked. All right, Dane. Well, thank you very much. And I hope you have a dick free 2021. Same for you, Dan. Thank you very much.