Desert Island Dicks - DANNY TOEMAN

Episode Date: February 20, 2018

A new week brings a brand new podcast! Joining me this week is soul musician and songwriter, Danny Toeman. Be sure to follow us on twitter and facebook, @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today, singer, producer and all-round soul man, Danny Toman. Hi, James. It's wonderful to be here. It's certainly a thrill. Thank you very much for joining me, Danny. I really appreciate it. Well, I'm very, very glad to be here. I'm also really glad that on none of the previous episodes I've been mentioned as one of the Desert Island Dicks. Not to think of myself too self-importantly.

Well, I mean, you know, there's still time. And after people hear this, then maybe they'll choose you. Oh, I can imagine. Oh, right. Okay. If you're happy, should we just dive in? Absolutely. Who's going to be your first choice?

As a Londoner, and therefore a member of the metropolitan elite, apparently, an obvious choice that has been missing from the desert island full of dicks is Nigel Farage. Okay. Big hitter. I know. And it's a very obvious choice, I know. desert island full of dicks is Nigel Farage. Okay. Big hitter. I know. And it's a very obvious choice, I know.

But I felt I had to say it. But here's the thing. I'm not going to talk about Brexit. Okay. Interesting. Despite the fact that I voted remain. I could talk about lots of other things. I could talk about that school report of his where the teacher said he was basically a fascist or defending various members of UKIP's racist language or his really skeevy affairs. Just the man is very repulsive. But

I want to talk about someone else. OK. Now, tell me this, James, have you ever heard of a man called Nicholas Winton? No. Name not ring a bell? Nope. Who's Nicholas Winton? I want to tell the story of Nicholas Winton as quickly as I can. Okay, take your time, please. So Nicholas Winton was a man who died just a few years ago. And in the 1930s, he was sort of a man about town, well-to-do kind of guy. And he was off to a skiing trip in Switzerland when a friend rang him and said, there's a refugee crisis happening in Czechoslovakia. And this was because, you know, Britain had sold Czechoslovakia down the river. Hitler and Nazi Germany wanted the sedate and land. They went and took it.

And then they were sort of making eyes at the rest of the nation. And so Nicholas Winton went along to see the situation. A lot of families came to him and said, please help us. And he's just a guy, really. Please help us. I can't help all you people. Can you at least help our children? So he set up what was known as the Kindertransport.

He, working from like a little hotel room with his assistant, he would take the details of all these families, all their kids, photos, everything. Then he went back to England and he wrote to loads of governments in the world. And one of the only governments who said they would take in these child refugees was Britain. And when I found this out, that made me very, very proud to be British. And so he organized trains full of all these children for fam, he organized families to adopt these children in Britain in 1938. And he organized trains, he has to bribe Nazis to ferry these children along across the countries. And in total, he was able to evacuate 600 children, Czechoslovakian refugee children to Britain,

and I believe also to Sweden in some cases. And then he had his biggest shipment ready, 250 children, on the 1st of September 1939, which is when Germany invaded Poland, so he had to stop, and then he joined the RAF, and he forgot about it. And decades, decades later, he forgot about it, never mentioned it to anyone. Decades later, his wife found this book in the attic, which was all the pictures of the children, all the details,

and in total he had saved about 600 children he had never acknowledged it ever and one his wife got in touch with esther ranson and that's life took him along under false pretenses and then they did this show which is on tv in the 80s you can watch it on youtube where they actually turn around say all the amazing things that he did and they they say, are there any people here, children, that Nicholas Winton saved? And everyone around him stands up. Wow. And the only thing he would ever say about it was, I wish I could have done more. And he was knighted, I believe, in sort of the early 2010s by David Cameron.

He's Sir Nicholas Winton, and then he died a few years ago. Now, recently, this is, we're currently sort of in February, so we had the whole honors list thing last month. And there was a lot of furore about, why hasn't Nigel Farage been made a knight? Oh, wow. Nicholas Winton is the opposite of Nigel Farage, a man who acted completely with no self-interest whatsoever to do something really, really decent. And when you see Nigel Farage standing in front of a poster, you know, one that says

we are near breaking point, which is comparable to one of the posters of some of the Nazi propaganda you might have seen at the time, I think the answer is pretty obvious. And so that is the story of Nicholas Winton, and that is why Nigel Farage is a dick. I would not want to be on a desert island with him, especially considering his whole I'm a man of the people kind of guy.

No. He isn't. You know, he says, oh, all these awful career politicians. This man has ran for election, I believe, seven times. Never won. He's been a member of European Parliament for over a decade. Never actually turns up or anything. Could have helped change the EU from the inside.

Never did. You know, there's the example of how he likes to complain about the plight of British fishermen. Turned up to one out of the 42 meetings of the EU that would have amended the EU fishery laws, whereas someone like Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, you know, saw the same plight and led his own campaign and actually managed to change the rules from the outside. And he just never bothered for us. No, absolutely. Never bothered. And I find him, just everything about him, to be very, very despicable. And I think, and I know about him, to be very, very despicable.

And I know that we're meant to be talking about why we wouldn't want to be in a desert island with these people. I think, well, he seems like an awful person. But then just imagine this, James. You're on your desert island. You've managed to build up a little bit of civilization. And suddenly you're able to make contact with other islands, maybe pool resources. And Nigel Farage is going to want to take that away. No, we're all fine on our own. And also you've got to think, if I'm going to have to take him along on trade delegation meetings to other islands,

he's not the man I want. He's not the person you want. No way. Obviously, you see a lot of him in the press. I mean, LBC give him airtime. What does he actually do? What's he doing? Well, I believe he collects a cheque from the European Parliament,

which he scarcely attends. Allegedly has affairs with young members of UKIP and is sort of wheeled out whenever a member of UKIP says something incredibly racist and he has to defend it as saying, well, you know, we all kind of say this, don't we? We all think this. I'm a man of the people. Yes. I think that man of the people. Yes. I think that's essentially his day job.

And he works on like a Russian TV network or something. What's he do on the Russian TV network? I don't know. I don't speak Russian. Does he speak Russian? I don't know. I don't think. He's some kind of news correspondent or talking head.

You know, he also does like Fox News and stuff like that. Oh, right. Okay. One of those kind of guys, you know, panellists. People need to rein this in. Stop giving him a voice. Well, I actually disagree because the key tenet of democracy is you need to let all the

wacko and sort of extreme views be aired because then, you know, as a people we should use our rationality to understand that these ideas are crazy and stupid and harmful and dangerous. But enough about that kind of cause mission from Brexit. I know.

You really framed the point there by using... Nicholas Winton. Nicholas Winton. What a deserving person of a knighthood. Absolutely. It's so much the complete parallel opposite of everything Nigel Farage has done. OK.

Nigel Farage, need we say any more? Danny, who's going to be your second choice for your desert island? Well, this one is a bit more light-hearted, I'll just say. And the answer takes a few names. You could call this man Lee Francis, Avid Merian, Keith Lemon. Right, OK, OK. Now, tell me this, James, did you used to watch Bo Selector back in the day? I did, yes, yeah.

So did I, and I'm very, very ashamed to say that I found it very funny. I found it funny as well. I think a lot of people found that funny. But then we were all kids then, you know, we didn't know any better, and to be honest, I will defend it by saying my one weakness in terms of comedy, as much as I'd like to think I love intellectual and grandiose and smart

comedy, is I love stupid voices. I mean, Family Guy is a completely inferior show to South Park, The Simpsons, even American Dad. But I still watch it because I just find Peter Griffin's voice hilarious. Right. But ever since Post-Selector, Lee Francis or Avid Marion or Keith Lemon has sort of gone on to become the emperor of ITV2,

which seems to be this rotting cesspit cultural wasteland. Yeah. And the thing is, I could say, I've always kind of flicked through Celebrity Juice and thought, eh, well, you know, I'm not going to watch it, it's stupid. But I actually decided to watch it. And it really is incredibly vulgar. Now, I'm not saying it's not funny. No, okay.

Like, we all laugh at, you know, as clever and intellectual as we can be, we will always find, you know, watching, you know, a guy walking down the street slipping on a banana peel and landing in a pile of shit to be absolutely hilarious. But it's the kind of thing you watch and you genuinely feel like stupider watching

and you feel it's sort of sub-moronic in terms of the sexual innuendo. And I can't believe in our current climate of Me Too and Time's Up and everything, that someone so incredibly vulgar and bawdy is sort of allowed to be on TV. And I'm not

saying, oh, we need to pull him from the air and everything because of that, but I'm just very, very surprised. Maybe ITV2 is just seen as, just ignore it, lads. You know, it's too far gone, and the people who watch it are going to watch it and enjoy it. And if you watch it and enjoy it, good for you, lads. It's too far gone, and the people who watch it are going to watch it and enjoy it. And if you watch it and enjoy it, good for you, but let me say there are some amazing comedies out there,

mainly from America, though. BoJack Horseman is a great example. Rick and Morty. I need to think of more examples. That's fine. They're good examples. But it's like they've taken... Did you watch Shooting Stars? I did, yes. But it's like they've taken... Did you watch Shooting Stars?

I did, yes. So it's like they've taken that moment where Vic Reeves goes up to, you know, someone like Christine Bleakley or someone who sat next to him and goes, oh, Christine, and he's rubbing his legs and turned it into an entire TV show. Absolutely, but instead of rubbing his legs

and going, oh, Christine, he'll sort of, you know, describe their tits. Yes, yeah. And I remember there was also this incredibly ridiculous game where all the contestants had to stick their face through a green screen, and then their face would be projected onto a body, and the guests were Holly Willoughby and Philip Schofield. Right.

They were the last ones. And they had a picture of the two of them anyway copulating. Wow. Like, the tiniest blur, just, you know, at the point of insert anyway copulating wow like the tiniest blur just you know at the point of insertion yeah and i thought oh my god i can't believe he's getting away with it yes oh my god how is this passing any kind of standards of not of decency but of just general taste yeah there's nothing wrong with sort of like jokes about sex and vulgarity and everything but there was a way of doing it which is not just like,

here's a custard pie, slam it in your face. Do you think that he gets away with it because he's doing it in character? I guess he gets away with it because it's in character, so it's meant to be with a wink and a nod. But I'm just very, very surprised given how sort of stringent sort of we've become in society that it seems to have passed underneath the bridge, as it were. I wouldn't be surprised if there were adults and children that didn't know that Keith Lemon was a character. Well, I couldn't possibly say such a nasty thing about the

viewership of ITV2. But, you know, I guess you just probably have to do some demographic research and find out for yourself. OK, so Keith Lemon. Anything else on Lee Francis, Keith Lemon, Avid Marion? Yes, he did terrible things to the career of Craig David. Yes, he did. Craig David seems like a decent chap. You know, he was on the, imagine this, if you're a musician who's spent, you know, you're, you know, when, let me tell you something, as a musician, as a fellow musician to Craig David, you know, people think it's fun and parties and lots of drugs and glamour. It's actually spending a lot of time indoors working, refining, honing your craft, just doing everything you can to be the best that you can be, kind of scraping the outside edges of your imagination to try and put together music.

And then very few people become successful. Now imagine that you've done all this work and few people become successful now imagine that you've done all this work you've become successful and then some guy does a parody of you where he says you have a pet kestrel that you have a colostomy bag you know and I can't help but laugh. Not that there's anything I used to live in Leeds wonderful place but I mean just there's nothing about Craig David in it and now it's obviously parody whatever but it pretty much killed his career for a number of years. Oh, absolutely.

I believe the story goes that he moved to Miami to escape it and bided his time until it was safe enough to come back that the next generation didn't know about this Craig David Bowell selector character. Oh, no, I forgot my piss sack. I know, but it's funny for a proper bow. David Bowell selector character. Oh no, I forgot my piss sack. I know, but it's funny for a proper bow. But it's, you know, it was of the time.

But now he's kick-started his career and he's selling records. I don't know how many records he gets. He's in the charts quite a lot, isn't he? Yeah, he's in the charts with a whole new generation who has no idea about this Craig David Bowselector. And he's really, really hench as well. He is hench, yeah. Or if I may say my favourite word, tonk.

Tonk. Are you familiar with tonk? Yeah. Tonk is just a word we used to say at school. Okay. And, you know, I had looked it up on Urban Dictionary because I had a dispute about the validity of that word. And the word tonk actually comes from the word tonka trucks because they are unbreakable. Oh, nice.

Okay. Thank you. Mantra. Okay, so yeah, Keith Lemon, Avi Marion, Lee Francis, anything else on the book? I think that's all I got. Okay, cool. So Danny, who's going to be your third choice? Well, this is much more of a nebulous pick. Okay.

And I'd like to start it by reading a quote, if I may. Please. I saw this posted on someone's Facebook, and this is apparently the letter of a school principal in Singapore who sent this letter to the parents before the exams. OK. I'll try and paraphrase it, or just read it really fast. No, take your time.

Thank you. Dear parents, the exams of your children are to start soon. I know you are really anxious for your child to do well, but please do remember, amongst the students who will be sitting the exams, there is an artist who doesn't need to understand math. There is an entrepreneur who doesn't care about history or English literature. There is a musician whose chemistry marks won't matter. There's an athlete whose physical fitness is more important than physics.

Oh, if your child does get top marks, that's great. But if he or she doesn't, please don't take away their self-confidence and dignity from them. Tell them it's okay. It's just an exam. They are cut out for much bigger things in life. Tell them no matter what they score, you love them and will not judge them, etc., etc., etc. Wow, that's a lovely letter. And that's very, very lovely.

In my life, in my school career, I received a letter because I didn't get enough Bs, B grades for my mock GCSE results. And so I got letters home, oh, you know, he's in big trouble and he better work hard. And so, James, I'm going to pick the majority of the school teachers I had throughout my school life to be on this desert island as dicks. Okay. Just most of your teachers. Now, I will have to preface this by saying that I think teaching is a noble profession. I think the fact that teachers' wages being frozen for so long is absolute disgrace,

especially considering how much more work they have to do. Kids these days get less holiday than we used to get, and the teachers get no more additional money for it. But you see stories about inspirational teachers and teachers who sort of get the best out of the students. I would say that that was really not the case for me. Now, the other day, I'm currently in the process of having some work done on where I live,

and I was going through lots of old files and folders to get rid of stuff. And I found a folder which contained pretty much every single school report that I've ever had. Wow. Okay. And I decided to read through it. And I was very, very shocked by what I saw because I've always considered myself to be like a very polite, mild-mannered person, you know, very courteous.

And that does turn up. But apparently, I really seem to be much more of a problem child than i thought wow have you got any examples i certainly do um but when i say problem child it what it really comes across is is we don't know how to deal with danny you know he is a free thinker okay he is someone who speaks his mind he you know gets irritated when you know it's something that he's not interested in, which I think is a perfectly reasonable thing for a five-year-old, a way for a five-year-old to act. Yes, of course, yeah. Let me see what I can find.

Danny is highly sensitive in what he chooses to listen to during language sessions and will only participate in class discussions if the theme is one he has introduced or requested. Okay, so that's... Yeah, okay. Now I realize a lot of this is actually going to reflect very, very badly on me. Yeah.

But there is a happy ending to this story, so, you know, wait for it, please. Okay. We've got Danny's temperamental nature affects both his work and his social relations to a large degree and a large amount of time this year has been spent attempting to make him address his moods rather than allow them

to overpower him and dictate his whole school day. I mean, now, you might hear that and think, problem child. No, that's lousy teaching. Okay. Lousy teaching. You know, if you can see that someone is upset or disturbed by something or unhappy, you don't just sort of point the finger and tell them to shut up. It's essentially what they're saying.

Okay. So that was all five-year-olds. Let's look at six-year-old Danny. Actually, I don't know if we should do this whole chronological thing. No, it's good. I like it. Go, please, please. Because I decided I couldn't read the whole thing on every report, so I just want to give you a few highlights. Some of the reports are really, really nice.

But here's one of my favorite ones, which was from my year two teacher. Wow, year two. Year two, so I would have been, I've just turned seven. So it's the end of the Christmas term report. And this is under general. Danny's natural flair for the dramatics

makes him a very entertaining member of 2S. But here we go. His obvious love of history and at present, the Beatles, has somewhat stinted his work in most areas

and he tends to focus all his attention on these subjects. But he has promised to come up with different ideas next term. Like, this woman tried to shame me for loving the Beatles, and not just in this report. I'm a six-year-old, and I've just heard the Beatles, and for the first time in my life, things don't seem so great.

I hear music, and I think, wow, there is maybe something more interesting than just spending your life going to school and watching terrible kids' TV shows. And no, no, he wants to talk about the greatest rock band that ever lived. No, terrible, terrible. Come back with some new ideas. I'd much rather talk to all these kids about their, I don't know,

their Fireman Sam trucks or whatever. Oh, wow. I was a big fan of Fireman Sam, but when I was three. Okay. What else have we got? Well, that's's amazing though that to look back and think you were spawning a love for something that you do now full time and they tried to shut it down early on i mean i can imagine why they found it annoying why why why would they found it annoying well maybe because i talked about it all the time but i remember one particular incident where you you know, she sort of tried...

You know, this is a grown woman telling a six or a seven-year-old, you know, trying to sort of make me feel ashamed for the music that I liked, which is a ridiculous thing to do to a six-year-old. Let me find some more quotes. Let's move on a bit in age. Oh, same teacher. At times, though, unfortunately, he will display a temper which is far less becoming. And Danny must try and stamp it out.

Oh, okay. The thing is, I'm not... I always thought I was a very mild-mannered and polite person. My thing was never to cause trouble in class because if you cause trouble in class, you get held behind. Yes. I want to be out on that bell. Yeah. I want to get the early train. Yes. I want to be out on that bell. Yeah. I want to get the early train.

Yes, yeah. You know, that has always been my thing. If we can skip quite forward a bit. Okay. I have this wonderful report from a teacher here, which I really, really love, and there's a funny story about him regarding my parents. Please, I can't wait.

So this is from, I don't know what, it says 4M, so I'd have been, this is the year before GCSE. I have been very pleased with Danny's improvement over the course of the year. At the start, he seemed to find it quite hard to meet the criteria needed for success in RS, religious studies. However, he has clearly sorted this out

and is doing some excellent work. His recent essay on Christian worship received almost the highest mark I give. I am perplexed and concerned by Danny's social skills, though, as he reacts very badly when he thinks he is being criticised. He needs to think about how he can control this response. It does not come across well when he points at you

and makes fairly wild accusations, for example. Despite this, I'm very pleased with the progress Danny has made, despite his disappointment in his exam result. Wild accusations. And this is one of the nice teachers. What wild accusations were you making? I would love to know. I would absolutely love to know. But this is the guy

who in his, I once told another fellow member of my class to fuck off. You did? At what age? This is, you know, pre the year before GCSE. So I said, oh, fuck off or whatever to someone in class. And the teacher was so appalled that he held me behind after class and he said, oh, fuck off or whatever to someone in class. And this teacher was so appalled that he held me behind after class

and he said, Danny, I'm going to give you a choice. I can either give you a detention for what you said in class today or I can ring your parents. And I just didn't know how to say the obvious option there without looking like an idiot, without giving the game away. I was like, well, I guess it would be really shameful if you rang my parents, so I guess you should do that. And then sort of a few nights later, you know,

my mum came and said to me, Danny, I just had a call from one of your teachers saying you said the F word in class, and I was trying not to laugh. So actually, you know, I mean, maybe, you know, I should have heeded his advice and I would be in a much, much better position than I am today. But I'm pretty happy with where I am. I'm just trying to think, you know, I had very uninspiring teachers. I had some very inspiring teachers as well, such as Bernie, the maths teacher, and Colin, the philosophy teacher. Wow, first name teachers.

We had first name teachers at some of the schools we went to. Paint a picture of the type of school you went to. Well some of them I went to very very different ones I went to one which was actually quite you know that actually sort of encouraged art and music and expression then I went to

another one for the majority of my school career which really sort of tried to stamp it out it was like being a contestant on The Apprentice. Hell no. The whole time, if you can imagine how awful that would be. And, you know, it kind of killed my love of sort of painting and art. It didn't kill the love, but it sort of essentially stopped me from doing it by their particular machinations. Okay.

I don't even know if that's the right word. Maybe an English teacher can tell me. But look, teaching is noble. And so I do a bit of teaching and mentoring to young people, you know, getting them into music. And I don't set out to try and, you know, inspire them. It just happens because I think, what would I want from someone in my position

rather than I'm here to get, you know, a paycheck. I'm here, you know, I'm here to crush people's dreams and individuality. But essentially that's what it was. You start life and you're sort of free and happy. And you're told, I saw this, you know, I saw this on Facebook the other day by a guy I know. He says, you know, you spend the first few years of your life told, you know, to walk and to talk and everything. And then you go to school and you're told to sit down and shut up.

Wow. Interesting. It's so true. It is. So after after all these terrible reports, and, you know, Danny doesn't pay attention, Danny should do more work, you know, why doesn't Danny care enough about chemistry? Why doesn't he care enough about physics? Yes. This, that, and the other. I'm very glad to say that the last thing in the folder, with all the

school reports, was my first class degree from a red brick university. Oh, here he is. So they can all go fuck themselves, apart from maybe sort of 10% of them who were genuinely lovely people just doing their job. Danny, excellent choice for your third Desireland X. That took a lot of energy out of me. No, it's good.

I feel like you really got to offload something there that you've been waiting to do so for a while. And thank God that you found that box of old school reports. I mean, I will say that there were some that were lovely in there. There was you know, from the headmaster, one headmaster at this fun creative school, he wrote Rock on Danny, you have added greatly to our

grooves. Oh my God, that is good. How good is that? And that was the headmaster. Well, he said the grooves because at that school they had something called the groove a while, which was at the end of every term and half term they had the Groove-A-While concert where it was like, you know, a talent show, rock show, whatever. And that was where, you know, I sort of cut my teeth as a performer from the age of nine.

Okay. How I learned how to deal with the crowd and everything. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, so when he says, I think he means the Groove-A-While. There's also, if I may self-flagellate just one more little bit, just to show the devastation of how one of these schools killed my art career. Okay.

This is from the same one who told me that I spoke about the Beatles too much. Danny, a naturally gifted artist, his sheer love and enthusiasm of this subject can literally be seen in all his creative masterpieces. He is exceptionally talented at drawing, paying meticulous attention to the most minute detail. Recently, he has continued to produce some stunning abstract images within

the style of René Magritte. Danny, I am sure, will go very far and do extremely well in this field. Very, very well done. That's good. For a seven-year-old. That's great. And now, I don't paint anymore. Oh, man. The man ground you down. They did. They did, but I'm rising back up back on my feet

and i took my time and now i'm going to take my chances okay doney thank you now you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Danny, now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? I'm going to try and be much more succinct here, James. Okay. Let me tell you about the drinks. Okay. And what really irritates me. All these fancy, healthy detox-style juices. Okay, okay.

Juices that, to be honest, are absolutely terrible for you. Full of sugar and also usually full of bits. Yes. Since when did bits in juice become the sign of authenticity? It's true. It's gross. Like, to me, it's like they haven't gone the extra mile and just gotten rid of that.

You know, they could have just sieved that shit out. And especially if you're drinking something from concentrate, why put that back in? But obviously we're talking about this new level, these innocent smoothies. You know, you see them with the little woolen caps on. Nothing so... You know, they're them with the little woolen caps on. Nothing so... You know, they're like, they're owned by

Coca-Cola. Really? I believe they are. I mean, I might be wrong, correct me if I'm wrong, but they're very much sort of the pretentious hipster of drinks. And they don't do anything good for you. You are just simply adding calories and adding way too much sugar. And, you know, if you want a drink, have a glass of water.

You know, a few years ago, there was nothing I liked more than a one of the giant the double sort of the double vats i guess you'd call them of orange tropicana smooth oh a packet of marlboro whites sit on the sofa you know in front of sky tv and and just smoke myself and juice myself silly. And the heartburn was unbelievable, but it was worth it. And this is very, very true. It was a lot of fun, but now I don't smoke anymore and I don't juice anymore. And I feel like a much smugger person

against the smug people who seem to think they're doing something good for themselves by drinking, you know, goji and acacia berry mixed with pear with a woolly cap on it with full of bits and full of sugar basically okay there is it's totally a con and i really feel like as well i was totally sucked in early on when these innocent smoothies came out you know i'd go and get my meal deal when i was at college or whenever these things come out and i was like oh i'll get the

healthy option because it's like oh it's just like and orange, or it's like orange and mango or something. And you drink it, and it's delicious. And you're like, oh, wow, it tastes really good, and it's so good for you. What it turns out to be is 30 grams of sugar in a tiny bottle. Isn't it? It's crazy, isn't it? It certainly is.

Yeah. And it's definitely not the healthy option. Same as if you're going to pick up a Coca-Cola, full well knowing it's not good for you. If you enjoy these drinks, knowing that they're not the greatest for you, go for it. Absolutely. But just be aware.

So drinks is going to be like your healthy drinks, like your innocent smoothie. Healthy juices. Healthy juices, okay. And what's going to be your food choice, Dan? Well, here's the thing, James. And I feel like I've started every category with here's the thing, James. But I'm sure you're used to it now. No, I am.

This food choice that I'm going to select is one that, to be honest, I'd happily have on a desert island, but it is one that I am sick of seeing everywhere, and that is the fancy burger. Okay. You seem stunned. No, no.

In my head, I just want to make clear what is the fancy burger. Is the fancy burger a five-guys burger, or is the fancy burger like you're going to go to a swanky restaurant and have a burger? I think it's pretty much anything, which I think Five Guys is very much the maximum of what you can get of a non-fancy burger.

Everything else sort of above that, like Gourmet Burger, Kitchen, Five Guys. Now, they are all delicious, but it seems to be that after the recession, food trends essentially turned to, like, poor American southern food. You know, pulled pork everywhere. And ribs and burgers. And everyone does burgers, and now burgers are really fancy,

when essentially they're very, very cheap to make. And there seems to be a preponderance of them, and it's sort of the idea that we're all now in a recession. Let's all kind of pretend we're all sort of Southern American. You know, we're all rednecks and we're all going to eat our burgers and everything. And if I want a burger, you know, I will go to McDonald's and I will have my McChicken Premier 20 years ago. Sadly, they don't exist anymore. Oh, God, I love the Chicken McPremier.

Or is it the McPremier Chicken? I don't even remember. But we seem to have this preponderance of fancy burgers with brioche buns and yes i don't like that i'm sure it's and they're all delicious and everything but can't we move on as a culture and get past this um you know this sort of cheap food dressed up a super fancy you know there's so many sort of barbecue and pit joints and everything where you know you'll pay 20 quid for a plate for a tray yes yes and everything and the hipstification of food as i like to see it now i am not a food racist right this is a completely different point but i'm thinking that we are quite as a society we are quite food racist

quite food racialist right you know there's always talk about appropriating different cultures and food. And I get why, you know, I'm making zero sense here. No, no, it's fine, go on. I think, you know, we live in a time where, you know, we're able to export much more food and try many more new different flavours. Now, we should really mix more food items of different cultures together, not just, oh, we're going to make Indian food tonight, tonight we're going to make Thai food or whatever. But we should take bits from each of these different things and mix them all together.

Yeah, what kind of thing? Got any ideas? What kind of stuff? Well, I mean, I'm not going to give any of my secrets away right now. Oh, right, okay. But for instance, I remember about ten years ago I went round to a friend's house and he was making like a ramen noodle thing and he was putting in like Mexican jalapeno peppers in it. I wanted to smack him in the mouth.

I thought he was being ridiculous. But actually, as I come to realize it, why are we all being food racists? We have so much at our disposal that we should really be trying to explore the boundaries of what different palates and tastes and flavors can all mix with. And the idea that we're taking all this essentially working-class food and trying to badge it up and make it really chic and everything.

Yeah. I think is very, very overplayed. And I'm really, really glad that it almost happened to my favorite food, which is salt beef. Yeah. You know, there was a whole pulled pork thing happening and it's still going on. And, you know, it's just, you know, it's pulled pork. It's not the end of the world amazing kind of food. It's the same kind of people who seem to think that bacon is a better foodstuff than steak.

Right. Now, maybe you're one of those people, but people, oh, I love bacon. Bacon's the best food. Bacon is an ancillary food. Right. It's an auxiliary food. Yeah. You know, steak is the real deal.

But I did a little bit of research. Okay. And are you aware of something known as the Glam Burger? The Glam Burger? The Glam Burger is the extent of how ridiculous these things can go. Okay glam burger? The glam burger is the extent of how ridiculous these things can go. Okay, please, tell me about the glam burger. The glam burger is worth £1,100.

What? Or the equivalent of... Wait, £1,100 for one burger? For one burger. It is... Does it come with fries? I don't know. I don't think it does.

The calorific amount of it is 2,618 calories. Wow. And it contains Iranian saffron, beluga caviar, smoked egg, white truffle, comes with champagne, matchka tea, Canadian lobster, gold leaf on top, heritage tomatoes, black truffle brie, maple bacon, New Zealand venison, and Kobe beef. Wow, okay. That is the bland burger. That really is unnecessary.

I think it is. I mean, I'm not one to point out decadence, but decadent. Yeah, that is decadent, right? The only reason you're making that is for the sake of it, because it's something that you can do. No one's going out and eating that burger, are they? And despite the fact that everything in it is probably delicious, no one is going to really enjoy that. No.

Or maybe us lowly schlubs here like to think that because there are people enjoying it and we think, well, they're probably not really enjoying spending £1,100 and making that. But I think burger mania is ridiculous. We want a burger, go to McDonald's, you eat it really quickly, it's greasy, you feel guilty and disgusting about it five minutes after,

ten minutes after you have indigestion. That's how all burgers should be. So you love burgers but it's fancy burgers. It's fancy burgers. Okay,

so fancy burgers are going on. Danny, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work but just your luck.

It only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? I can't believe this film hasn't been mentioned before. It really is the worst. Okay. I finally decided to watch it this Christmas,

to actually watch the whole thing after having heard how terrible it was. Yeah. Love Actually. Yes, okay, Love Actually. Have you seen it, James? I've seen it, yeah. Are you a fan? Yeah, the 2003 Richard Curtis film. No, I'm not a fan. I feel like...

No, please, it's yours. It's your Desert Island it. Well, there are so many things wrong with it. Now, Richard Curtis, I think, because he was one of the co-writers of Blackadder when it was good, you know, deserves a bit of leverage. And Notting Hill wasn't terrible.

The boat that rocked had some good songs, despite the fact that it was 45 minutes too long. But, essentially, he really shouldn't be making films. His films just scream obnoxious to you. The problem with Love Actually is it essentially shits on the tenets of what makes good storytelling.

I'm not a great storyteller by any means, but I can tell you that if you have all these different couples and all this different hoo-ha going on and everything, just by having little vignettes of everything, you're cutting out any reason why we should care about these people. There is no character development whatsoever. You don't feel any love between any of the characters whatsoever. And the thing is, they've got all these really famous people in it,

and you just see the shame in their eyes, behind their smiles, behind their glued-on smiles. I can't believe that there are people who might watch it to get into, like, a romantic feeling, because it is beyond saccharine. No, it is, yeah. You're right. What stands out to me is the guy who goes to the door and has the signs when his mate is sat inside

and declares his love for his friend. It's his best friend's wife, and, you know, he's right there. Come on! And it's incredibly creepy as well. That is a horrific story. I can't believe that it has become sort of a modern-day classic to some people when it has zero substance whatsoever. And also, I have to

complain about Richard Curtis on the side as well, because of his films Love Actually, and then the other one called It's About Time, or About Time, or whatever, about time travelling. I've never heard of that. Both set in West London. Right. Where are the ethnic minorities? Yes. With the exception of Sanjeev Bhaskar,

who I believe was in, who had a cameo role in Notting Hill. But, you know, I remember, you know, it's absolutely ridiculous. You're talking about some of the most vibrant multicultural areas of London that these films are set in, and it just becomes another dribbling,

floppy-haired Hugh Grant. You know, so charmingly befuddled. It's embarrassing, isn't it? Yeah. But essentially... Okay, so love actually, yes. No redeeming features whatsoever. It's embarrassing, isn't it? Yeah. But essentially... Okay, so love actually, yes. No redeeming features whatsoever. It's not even gooey.

It's not like overly sentimental because it doesn't give you any chance to get invested in any of the characters. No, you just sort of... They expect you just to like them from the off. Absolutely. And to be honest, I find most actors to be highly unlikable.

Okay. Well, that makes it difficult. You ever eaten with one? No. Okay. No. I don't know. It's a reference to something else.

It's a reference. Okay. Sorry, I didn't know. I didn't. Danny, what's going to be your song choice? I hate a lot of music, James. Yeah. Whole genres of music.

You also love a lot of music, though, right? Yeah. I'll give that to myself. When anyone says something about me, I'll always try and say the opposite. I guess it comes from my school days. But when it comes to music, I have to take one that I have a personal connection to

of a time in my life and that song is Baby Cakes by Three of a Kind. Baby cakes, you just don't know how I I don't know Right, okay, Baby Cakes. Why Baby Cakes? of a kind right okay baby cake why baby cakes um if i could describe it as succinctly as possible it is very much the musical version of diabetes okay it is you know i know there's maybe a theme of too much sugar going through this.

I am on a diet at the moment. Trying to get rid of the carbs and the sugars kind of thing. But this was a song at a time, I remember going on a summer camp, and this song was incredibly popular. And to me, it's sort of the ultimate in banality and sweetness, overly sweetness. The thing is, you can imagine on a desert island, songs that you don't like or songs by famous artists you don't like, hearing them over and over and over again

and kind of getting a begrudging appreciation towards. Baby Cakes by Three of a Kind is one that I can never imagine ever enjoying. No. Maybe because the music is terrible. Maybe because I had a horrible time in the summer camp when it was getting played you know at the end of the day you'd have like the disco and everyone you know you'd see all these awkward gawky teenagers trying to look cool with their hair straighteners and their excessive amounts of deodorant and their open shirts revealing no

chest hair apart from me was glorious was it the song of the time then? It was very much the song of the time. I believe it was 2004. Okay. And what's really funny is that... Now, here's the thing. Do you remember Three of a Kind? I only know them from the video of this song and having seen that. Well, that is because after they made Baby Cakes, they said to each other,

you know what, guys? We are never going to do any better than this. And they split up. I don't know if it was straight away, but they never released anything after it. I think they said to each other, well done. We have reached the pinnacle. And what's really funny is that only

a few years later, who came along? Ndubs. Three of a kind were very much the prototype Ndubs. Similar lineup, similar kind of music. Essentially music much the prototype end-ups. Ah. So similar line-up, similar kind of music, you know, essentially music made to be a ringtone. Yes. 2003, 2004 was the year of Crazy Frog.

Oh, right, yeah. Culturally, it was like, you know, around the same time as Bo Select. It had that kind of UK garage scene and, like, kind of hip-hop and everything, and it was all kind of becoming a real sort of ITv to a cultural wasteland at that time i think baby cakes is very much exemplary of that time in that scene i wonder if there's any connection i wonder if whoever was the music exec looking after uh the label exec looking after um three of a kind then went on to have

anything to do with end-ups. I would not be surprised, because the music industry is very much, the mainstream music industry is very much a case of regurgitation, finding successful models, and then copying and pasting them onto each other. That's essentially how the X Factor was so successful for so many years. You look at Alexandra Burke,

it's our Asda version of Beyonce. You look at Leon Jackson, it's Asda version of Michael Bublé. Okay, yeah. Leona Lewis, who is she based on? Someone else, yeah. Shane Warne, the kind of cut-price version of Justin Timberlake. Yes. It seems that all these, you know, you find the X factor for an artist,

what makes them special, essentially what you're looking for is someone who you can use an old business model on. And that's how that works. Wow. Okay. An insight. What an insight. I don't know if you could call that an insight.

That's just my theory. I mean, I don't know much. This is what my mate said down at a pub. You know, and he went to the school of Arden Oaks. You said baby cakes. Anything else about baby cakes that brings it to be your desert island dick? Reminds me of a terrible time, and I think it's just a really trite, sugary, dull piece of music that anyone who could assign any quality to it is probably a moron.

Okay. Song, baby cakes, and Danny. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Going to be really controversial here. And say something that other people have said as well. Yep. Cats.

Yes. OK. Why cats? Well, I'm allergic to cats. Ah, that's a good reason. So that's actually a proper reason. However, here's the thing, James. Yep.

I'm allergic to dogs as well. So why cats over dogs? I love dogs. Okay. One of the saddest days of my life, James, was when I had to give up my dog. Oh. Like, you know, I don't want to sound, you know, melodramatic or overly dramatic, but like, honestly, I've had death in the family and all kinds of, you know, I don't want to say overly tragic things happen to us.

But, you know, we've had our share of knocks. But losing the dog. Yeah. I had to give that dog up because it made me so ill to be around. And I've developed such a close bond with it over the time we were together. The thing is that I still think and wonder about that dog and wonder where it is. Because a dog looks forward to you coming home. A dog, you know, is loyal.

Let me ask you this. You know, people talk about cats being so clever and, you know, sort of individual and everything. You know, who wants that? We have that in human beings. I want a creature who can never grow up to resent me like a child and who will always give me unconditional love. And if the cats are so clever, why do we have therapy dogs? As smart and well-trained as a cat can be, a dog can provide, you know, sort of a nurturing kind of empathy and love and therapy.

Okay, interesting. And also, lots of people I know have cats, and so I figured if they'd listen to this, it would really sort of rustle their jimmies. Is that what you're into? I mean, like, you know, little baby kittens are quite cute, but they're not as cute as little puppies. No, okay. Puppies are adorable.

Yes, and we've said on this podcast before, with other people that have brought it up, why do we go to cats? Because cats just treat us like shit. They certainly do, and they think they've got this cush life where they just kind of lounge around the flat all day. I want that to be my life. I'm not going to go out and work so I can pay for cat food and all that kind of stuff

so they can laze around. A dog is going to be happy to see me when they come home. Yeah, they might do their mess all over the place and sort of run away and act crazy and all that kind of stuff, but they are loyal, and we could learn a lot from dogs, I believe. So I feel like it depends on the type of person that you are, maybe. And I think I might have said this on this podcast before and I really don't want to get typecast,

but the only thing with dogs compared to cats is they're quite needy. So cats, right, if you get the right cat and the cat will sit with you and you can stroke the cat and have a cuddle with the cat then it goes out it does it goes to the toilet itself goes shits outside somewhere um it'll go roam around all day well i guess my defense to that would be maybe i'm a very needy person so if i had a dog that's very needy it's very much a quid pro quo relationship it's working for you maybe that would work but essentially I would

not and also think about this evolution you know on a desert island cats what are they what are they sort of more on the I'm gonna say something really stupid please um I think tigers or lions well you know cats they came from tigers or lions I don't know I think they're both their big cats you know you know cats essentially come from like tigers or whatever yeah lions I can't know. I think they're big cats. You know, cats essentially come from, like, tigers or whatever. Yeah. Or lions. I can't remember. You know, I never paid attention to zoology in school.

No. You know, and they are horrible creatures. You can imagine, on a desert island, they're going to attack you and claw you and eat you. And dogs came from wolves. But because of evolution, they came to realize they are man's best friend. On a desert island, a dog will be your pal and they will help you find stuff. A cat will hoard items to themselves.

Yes. Never help. You know, a dog can help you carry stuff. Yeah. Useful. Cat would just leave furballs all around and whinge and complain. Not going to be that helpful.

Ultimately get feral and try and eat your face. Okay. So cats. Cats are going to be your choice. Danny, thank you so much for coming and sharing your Desert Island dicks with me. Thank you so much, James. Now, can we start talking about the dicks?

The dicks? I thought we were going to talk about dicks. Yeah. Big dicks, little dicks. What kinds of dicks? We could do that on a separate podcast. Should we do that after? Sure.

I know a great place around the corner. We could talk about some dicks. Danny, if people want to hear more from you, where can they hear you? Well, it's a very, very exciting year for me because I've got a new album coming out. The name of the album and the release date of said album is still a mystery. But you're going to have to follow me to find out. And you can find out more information on facebook.com forward slash Danny Toman,

twitter.com forward slash Danny Toman, or at Danny Toman on Twitter, or at Danny Toman on Instagram, or instagram.com forward slash Danny Toman. You can hear some of my music on soundcloud.com forward slash Danny dash Toman. My website is dannytoman.com, and remember that's Danny, as in Danny, like Danny from Greece, Danny DeVito, all those great famous Dannys. Toe is in foot, and man is in woman. Danny Toman, DeVito, all those great famous Dannys. Toe as in foot and man as in woman. Danny Toman

but this guy, all man baby Thank you so much Danny, I really appreciate it Outro Music