Desert Island Dicks - DARREN HARRIOT

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

Comedian Darren Harriot joins Harriet to share... well, everything! Nothing is off limits as Darren guides us through his choices as he discusses circumcision, why he doesn't drink water and why he'll never watch Chris Rock again... We are now on Patreon! And have an early bird offer for the first 150 subscribers. For just £3.50 - price of a coffee (if you live outside London) you'll get early access to episodes, completely ad-free listening and bonus episodes. PLUS submit your own choices for the desert island. Get it here NOW: https://www.patreon.com/c/user/membership?u=24332430 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello! Today we're joined by comedian Darren Harriot. Darren's choices for the island are very funny. He chooses his own mother for one and he shares some unbelievable stories, including the time he got in a lift with Chris Rock. Make sure you follow us on Instagram at Dickspod and you can also follow me at Harriet Kemsley and you can get in touch with the podcast if you email desertislanddickspodcast at gmail.com. I'm also going to be on tour next year and all the dates are on my website at harrietkemsley.com. And we also are now on Patreon. We have a steal.

If you sign up quickly for the early bird price for the first 100 members, it's going to be as little as $4. You'll get early access to episodes, completely ad-free listening, plus bonus episodes that you won't find anywhere else, where James and I will be discussing our dicks of the week and reading out your suggestions for the desert island. I think that's everything for now. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Darren Harriot. Hi, I'm Harriot Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable.

Who are they and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Darren Harriot. Hello, Darren. How are you doing? Hi, Harriot. I'm good, thank you. Just hearing your intro and you just saying why they're dicks has made me kind of feel bad about one of my people. Because I've just gone, oh, the worst people to be on a desert island. And now I'm like, oh no, we're actually going to call this person a dick. And I feel bad.

I think it's like in a fun way. It's like a fun way. It's not personal. And I think as long as, it's like if you're kind of punching up, like if it's someone that's having a hard time and then you're coming out here and you're being like, wow, they're a real dick,

then maybe you should feel bad. Yeah. But we don't know yet. Fine, can I just go straight into it? I might as well now. Yeah, do it. Yeah, who's this person? My first pick.

Oh no, I feel nervous. It's my mum. Oh my God. Wow. I just thought, least likely. Okay. I get it though. I get it. I just thought least likely. Okay. I get it though.

I get it. I get it. So I used to live with my mum about... I get it. I know you're... I wouldn't want to start with your mum either. About a decade ago. And obviously when you're young,

and I'm sure it's the same for yourself as a woman, that living with your mum, there's a point where it's obviously, you know, she's your guardian, your carer yeah and then you get teenage years and then she's almost like she starts to be kind of your friend but also can be your enemy because she you're at that age and then once you get to like 18 to like in your 20s you're just an issue in the house it's just why are you still here what are we doing and i me and my mum, we used to just hate each other. Like, when I left, I moved out on my birthday. Like, on my 26th birthday, I moved to London. You were 26?

I'm 36 now. You were 26 when you moved out? Oh, 26 when I moved out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I moved out on my 26th birthday, right? It just so happened to fall on it. I wasn't like, guess what? I'm not spending it with you.

And I moved to London. But I remember me and my mum, we just absolutely hated each other. Like, my mum was like my ups. Like I'd see my mum and just, oh God, her again with her rules. And I just know that if I'm on a desert island, here's what I know about my mum. She's very secretive, right?

There is family secrets that I've only found out quite recently that has changed the fabric of my family and how I look at my family because my mum kept... So basically, I don't mind saying it. My mum, I found out recently about... I say recently, like five years ago, I'm in my 30s,

my brother is not my real brother, right? That was a whole secret my mum kept and told all my family to not tell anyone. She didn't even tell me. Somebody else told me, an outsider told me. You found that out in your mid-30s? I found that out, no, I found out about, I was about 30, 29, 29, 28-ish, around then.

I found out, right? So I know, but I know my mum, since I've been in London, she doesn't tell me anything because she's like, no, doing his comedy thing I don't want to give you she's the most secretive person ever and I just think that if we're also my mum is useless physically absolute useless she's not outdoorsy she's not chopping wood or anything like that my mum is not that person so I know that if I'm on a desert island i'm with my mom again living with my mom again just like because now we're friends like i like she's my mom i respect her i listen to her

i listen to her more now because i don't have to but i really do it's like and i really respect her and like and i know that we're gonna go back to that living situation you can't help it it's yeah it's all gonna go completely downhill and i know, my mum is so secretive. I honestly think that if my mum found an apple tree, just an amazing, perfect apple tree, she would let me know when there's like three apples left. She'd be like, oh, found an apple tree. And I'd be like, mum, where's all the apples gone? She'd be like, I don't know.

I don't know. I know what she's like. She'll do something like that. She's like, I saw a guy that could have helped us, but I didn't want to bother you, Darren. I didn't want to put it on your plate. I just kept it quiet. Exactly.

Yeah. I feel bad calling her a dick. Even she knows that, though. Like, if we got stranded on a desert island and the plane had crashed and we had just miraculously survived, I think my mum would go, oh, shit, it's just us.

Oh, no, it's you. Yeah, she would say, oh, God, it's just us. Oh, no, it's you. Yeah, she would say, oh, God, it's just me and you again. Oh, guess we're doing this. That's how my mum would be. Guess we're going to have to do this again. I really want to see that, actually. I want a reality show

where you and your mum are trapped in a desert island because this is a really fun little double act. Also, my mum, if we're trapped on a desert island, my mum would 100% die. Like,

quickly. Because she's the most fussiest eater ever. My mum doesn't eat at restaurants. Doesn't eat out. In all my years, oh my god, have I ever seen my mum eat at a restaurant? No, I've tried to take her out. You know when you have success in your career and you want to celebrate with your family?

I've invited my mum to every single restaurant. My mum likes Caribbean food, only certain types of Caribbean food, but doesn't eat from Caribbean restaurants. My mum only eats from my nan's house and stuff that she makes at home. That is it. She'd be dead. She'd be dead in like three days. It'd be terrible.

She's such a picky eater. I've never met... My mum's the only person I've ever met who I thought for many years ate meat and turns out she doesn't. What? Because when I was growing up, I swear my mum used to eat chicken. And now she's like, I don't, no, just not really. And I said, why?

No reason. Like, you don't, I'm not a vegetarian. I don't care about, she doesn't care about animals. Just, no, I'm not really into it. So now she just doesn't eat chicken because she just doesn't want to eat chicken. I don't see my mum eat. Even like going to the shops and like picking up something i don't even see my mom my mom wouldn't buy anything like um you know like a sandwich made in the shop you know we all buy

some my mom would never buy that because she would just think it was just dirty it's like i don't know how they prepared it i don't know she must save so much money oh so much i tell you there's a pot of gold when my mum kicks the bucket. There's got to be. I'm telling you. Oh, she would be an absolute nightmare. Is it partly as well that she'd bring out the worst in you? Completely.

Because this is what happens to me as well. You just go home. I can manage like two or three days. And beyond that, I just revert to being a child again. And just those dynamics where you just want them to do things for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There'd be a point where I'd go, oh, mum. And I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm 12 again.

What am I doing? Oh, fine. Like, I don't talk like that, but I know that if I'm with my mum, I'm like, yeah, all right, I'll go get the logs. Fine. Oh, fishing sucks. I think your mum is such a good choice. what's her name uh paulette paulette paulette yeah she is again my mom so old school doesn't have doesn't really use the internet

doesn't my mom got the internet four years ago on a laptop my mom's only in her 50s like she's in her early 50s doesn't use the internet my. My mum, this is funny, I brought my mum a TV about three years ago, and it's a smart TV. Her first smart TV was in the 2020s. My mum now watches, says, oh, I can watch the soaps. I can watch, oh, I can just, I don't have to record East End. I can just watch it on the iPlayer. That's what my mum, my mum is in her 50s.

She's technically 80-odd. That is my mum. She'd be absolutely useless on a desert island. The most useless... I can't think of anybody more useless. A newborn baby has more use, I reckon. I would get along with better than my mum on a desert island.

What does she do? She's a carer. I know. I know. It's so weird. My mum is... Like, my mum's job... She has an actual job. An know i know it's so weird my mom is like like my mom's job she has an actual job an actual and they said like she's responsible for people's health yeah it's a physical mental like like my mom my mom will you know help these dear old people who have dementia and then like

like a month later they've died and my mom has to like prepare she does all of that stuff but i'm telling you even with those skills useless useless useless i'm telling you okay so your mum is your first person and look there's a lot of passion behind that there is it's the most passionate one because i'll be honest with you i thought of my mum and i didn't even think of the fact she was a picky eater until i said it here. And I went, oh my gosh, it's going to be so much worse. Even worse than I thought.

Doesn't eat anything at all. Or sometimes, I'll tell my mum to go to a restaurant. I'll go, oh, how about we go to this famous celebrity restaurant? She goes,

oh, no, don't like his kids. What? What? She saw like someone's kid on like Big Brother or something and went, oh, he's a drug addict.

Oh, I don't like his kids. Mum! That's where she's at. Any ex... Oh, she'd be a nightmare. Couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. OK, Darren, who is the second person? The second person.

So I think with this show, it's quite easy for me to sort of pick people that obviously everybody hates. I think I'm sure there's been a lot of people who have done this show in the past who have probably said people like, I don't know, Andrew Tate maybe or JK Rowling, people like that. I'm going to go with somebody,

it's so funny that I've gone with my mum with so much passion and I'm now going to go. Your caring, kind mother. I know. Who housed you until you're 26. Who looks after people at their, like, does end of life care. And she's done it all her life.

Like, I'm now going to go for somebody who I absolutely love. Dwayne Johnson. I know, I know. Dwayne Johnson. The reason I picked Dwayne Johnson is because it's the opposite. It's the opposite reason of my mum. I just don't want Dwayne Johnson is because it's the opposite. It's the opposite reason of my mum.

I just don't want Dwayne Johnson to hate me. And I feel like, because I loved him as a wrestler so much, and I love him because I feel like as an action star, he's like this old school sort of masculine, like, you know, muscle throwing stuff, like action movie star. We don't have many of them. I like him so much. I feel like if we went on a desert island,

I would annoy him at some point. And you know when you, it's like never meet your heroes. Like there's certain people like celebrities that I never want. Oh, who did I meet who was mean? Chris Rock. Right? I met Chris Rock. Oh my God. Side note, gotta go. I met Chris Rock. Right? So you remember when Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith? Of course, everybody remembers that. He did a tour, he was on tour about six months afterwards, right? So you remember when Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith? Of course, everybody remembers that. He was on tour about six months afterwards, right? And he came to Birmingham. Now, funnily, it was my mom's birthday.

I was in Birmingham for my mom's birthday. We stayed at the same hotel. Chris was in a much better room, right? Anyway, I walked into the hotel, turned right, got in the lift. It's the Grand Hotel in Birmingham. It's the best hotel in Birmingham. It's right in the city centre. It's called the Grand.

It's not very much. It's about 150 a month, guys. Give it a go. 150 a night. I'm going to move in there. Wow. Anyway, I walked in and my auntie sent me a text message because you know when your family know you do comedy, any comedy that happens, they're just all in your grill about it. My aunt sent me a text message and it was a Groupon for Chris Rock tickets. What?

Right? I said the same thing. I went, wait, he's just been slapped. He's the most talked about comedian in the world. His tickets are on Groupon

in Birmingham because obviously they're not selling well. And I went, huh, that's interesting. Anyway, six hours later,

I'm in a lift. I turn. There's a guy with a cap really low and there's a giant security guard next to him and it's Chris Rock. I'm in the lift with Chris Rock and I'm like, and there's a couple in front of me. I always remember

the couple because they were, they were like beautiful. You know when you see a couple and you go, whoa, you two take, like, they look like models, right? And they, we looked at each other and we looked at Chris Rock and I said, I went, whoa. Now I'm on the second floor, which means there's not much lift, right? Chris Rock's probably on the eighth presidential floor. I'm in a lift. It's only two floors. So I turn and I went, oh my gosh, I'm a big fan, right?

I'm a big fan. And I'm looking and it's one. And then it goes to two. I'm a big fan. My family, we grew up watching you. I just did a little speech, right? I was like, oh my God, it's Chris Rock. And I said to him at the end, I went,

I'm a comedian at the end. And he turned, he had his cap down. Didn't want to be, he was annoyed. Maybe it was because the ticket sales. I don't know. He was annoyed. He turns and he didn't look at me. He just turned his head slightly and went,

congratulations. Door opens. I just, You know what? It's Chris Rock. I don't want to be on a desert island with Chris Rock. Forget Dwayne Johnson. I'm taking it back. It's Chris Rock.

And I swear it was the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. Because I went, my family grew up. You know, my family. I remember everybody. You had two seconds to get this across. This was literally your elevator pitch. Literally. Literally. You know, the black family watching you.

I remember bigger and blacker. I said all of this very quickly. And I said, I'm a comedian. And he just went, congratulations. And I turned to get off at my stop. And the couple, the beautiful couple in front of me went oh my god they were

uncomfortable with what had just happened it was like going to shake someone's hand and they went nah mate and the beautiful couple and I walked out of my room and then just tweeted and instagrammed about it like an absolute animal.

I was losing. I sent him a voice note on his Instagram. It's still there. I hope one day he can play. I did send him. Oh, my God. I can actually play that voice note. It's on my Instagram.

I sent it to Chris Rock's Instagram account. I don't know what I said. Please can we get that voice note? That's really important. I definitely did say voice note. It was, yeah. And then the next morning, I got up for,

obviously got up for breakfast there. And I saw him at breakfast, him and his team. And he didn't, and I just went, you know what? If he didn't want to say hello to me in the lift at the end of his show, he's probably not going to say hello to me

while he's eating eggs. So I just moved and it was weird because I just kept seeing him so like I finished my food he had already left because he was in there earlier and he wasn't in there very long because obviously I monitored how long he was in there and then next thing I know when I'm leaving to go out he's hopping in his car off to Manchester for the next tour show and I'm like, I've just seen Chris Rock three times randomly and I'm sure he hated my presence on all three times. And then yeah,

I was, honestly, I was so, I was, yeah, you know what? Yeah, I was going to say Dwayne Johnson

because I don't want him to dislike me, but it's got to be Chris Rock, man, because I was, even now, I still don't like him. I haven't watched his specials. I haven't done anything. But you grew up watching him and then it was just ruined

in that moment. It's like, especially as a black household, what other comedian was there, really, back then in the early 90s, that everybody was the man. Chris Rock was it. We watched his films. I literally remember all of Chris Rock's early stuff before even... This is how much

of a Chris Rock fan I was. I watched all of his stuff before he got his teeth fixed i've got all of i've got i've got the early chris rock mad teeth death comedy jam skinny hey guy i've got that guy and i just i thought i i thought to myself can i just have a little a little moment it's it's pop look it's my mom's birthday i booked a hotel instead of staying at my mom's house because she's got a single bed it's like mum come on you son

get a double one in anyway she'd struggle on a hammock that's for sure and then I'm like oh my god it's Chris Brown

and I didn't want any I knew not to ask for a picture I would never ask for an autograph or anything like that because I hate we're in a lift you know what we're going to do

like you're going to see the lift for the buttons next. No, not that's my picture. I just wanted, I think I just wanted him to acknowledge that. He just wanted, like, that's cool. Like, good for you or what's your name? All he had to say was cool. Thanks, man.

You have a great night. And that would have been it. And then the beautiful couple. Because I knew that I took that. God, the couple. That's what kills me. I see their beautiful faces, their beautiful Indian faces in front of me.

Because I remember looking at the guy going, he had like the, he was a Sikh, he had the bangles on. I was like, wow, his bangles are really, even his bangles are on point. They were just so hot. And then I,

what? Chris Rock's in here? What? Because my first thing was, there's a giant dude next to him. And I was like, oh, he's a bit mad. And I looked at him and I went, he looks like security. Maybe he's on security. Why would he be in here unless he's security in here? And then just to his side was Chris Rock with his cap on.

And I, yeah, I was, I, I think you couldn't handle the pressure of Chris Rock on an island. I think if he was there, you'd just end up, you'd go so mad trying to impress him that you'd just walk into the sea. You know, here's the thing. The reason why I said it in a voice note as well

was because in my head, I was like, hey, it'd be funny because, you know, at one point we might meet each other. Because you never know. We've all done gigs where super celebrities have turned up. We're colleagues, actually. Actually, some would say we're peers. Yeah, I'd say that. I'd say that.

Yeah. So in my head, I'm like, oh, I could tell him that because I reckon he might. I reckon there's a slight chance he might remember. He'll remember the Birmingham gig. I'm sure he will. Because he was, because he was, you know why I think he'll remember some of it? It was the first gig after the slap. It was the first gigs back doing a well-taught after the slap.

And I feel like... He went straight from the slap to Birmingham. Well, I think he did London for a bit. And then he did Birmingham. And I think you would remember that because obviously we all remember so much hype around the slap. It was mental and how embarrassing that was for him and how horrible it was for him.

Like it was disgusting that that happened to him. But then to go on tour and have the audience expect you to talk about it because he didn't. He only talked about it on his special because he wanted to save it for the show. But yeah, ever since then, I can't. He did a thing with Kevin Hart and I love Kevin Hart, but I can't watch it because I like 50% of that show.

It killed me. That's what I'm like. This is why, right? I don't want to meet Dwayne Johnson because I love him. I don't want to meet, I don't want to meet Cristiano Ronaldo because I love him. Kanye West is my favourite artist of all time. I don't agree with his views.

Oh, you definitely mustn't meet him. Yeah, definitely. I think if you meet him, that will be rude for you. It would be over for me. Yeah. But yeah, Chris, oh God, yeah, it's still, it still annoys me. That's so stressful.

I really need to listen to that voice, mate. That's really rude. You know what? I'm trying to put myself in a position of what I was thinking. So I tweeted about it. And then a lot of other comedians sent tweets back. Like Dara O'Brien sent me a really nice one when he did Just for Laughs. And obviously Dara O'Brien sent me a really nice one when he did Just for Laughs.

And obviously Dara O'Brien's a fan. He talked about how he met, I think it was like Sarah Silverman and a load of others. And they just treated him like complete garbage. And they were like, who's this giant Irish guy? What is it? Are you a promoter? What do you want? And Felicity Ward said the funniest thing.

She goes, American fame is a disease. And I was like yeah okay I felt so much better but yeah the voice note I sent it's probably going to be so unfunny and douchey

because I'm trying to be like I'm annoyed but I don't want him to know that I'm annoyed I'm like huh we met hopefully

oh my god there might be a point in the voice note where I actually say, you're reading this because Darren told you. I might've done something. Darren, oh, I'm really embarrassed to listen to it. You're reading, what does that mean?

As in like, sorry, as in like, you're listening to this because you've met Darren and Darren has told you that we met at da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da because it's got the time and the date. Oh yeah. So I'm telling him to listen to it. He's going to listen to it and He's going to listen to it. And it's going to be like I've passed away and left a video note saying these are my instructions.

At no point have you made this better for yourself. At every point you've doubled down and you have made this worse. I kept thinking to myself, should I delete it? Can I just double check if I actually haven't? I don't think I deleted it. I swear I hate myself that much. I think I kept it. Does it say red?

No, that was so funny. Going to Chris Rock's Instagram. Excuse me a sec, guys. I'm just going to Chris. That's weird. Chris Brown props up first. That's not my choice. Here we go.

Oh, lots of comedians follow him. Of course. Of course you do. Oh, my God. It's there. It's there. It's there. And you want to know when my mom's birthday is? The 13th of May.

And the date on this? The 14th of May. It was the night. It was the night. 54 seconds long. Darren, I need you to press play. I need you to hold that to the microphone and I need you to press play

because it's best when shame is shared and you're going to feel so much freer after you've shared this. Okay. And we can always delete it if you do not want this to be aired. Oh my gosh. In case anybody's interested,

he hasn't read it. So I sent this to Chris Rock after he was quite rude to me in an elevator and I sent it a couple of hours after this happened. Okay. I think this happened, I sent this at probably about 1am. All right, let me get the volume.

I'm holding on tight to my chair. Oh my gosh. Hi, Chris. We met last night. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Hi, Chris. Just like his old friend.

He might remember me from the lift. Oh my God. Okay. Oh, let me go. Oh, this is. Okay. Hold on, let me go. Oh, this is bad. This is so bad. Hold on. How do I restart?

Okay. You know what? I'll just play it from there. Al in Birmingham, England. We both got in The Lift at the same time. I said I was a big fan. Then said I was a comedian. You weren't interested, obviously.

And you sarcastically said congratulations. So I just thought I'd leave a voice note because i do hope to work with you in the future you're obviously somebody i look up to uh and i'm definitely a big inspiration to not just myself but lots of other comedians so i thought that who knows in a in a green room somewhere i could tell you this story uh you won't remember it of course because you meet so many people i could then tell you this story. You won't remember it, of course, because you meet so many people. I could then play you this voice note and we could have a bit of a laugh about it

and then, I don't know, become best friends. Enjoy the rest of your tour, man. Peace out. I think that's so lovely, actually. I think that's really nice. I'm 35, so lovely, actually. I think that's really nice. I'm 35, I think, sending that.

I'm a guy in my mid... Hi, Chris. I like how I recounted the situation. I'm not going to delete it. I'm going to leave it there. One day... One day. I know this is who you least want to be on a night level.

Could you imagine, though, if Chris Rock randomly ended up with me, obviously didn't know who I was, and then i told him this story and then played him the video you produced the voice no you know how freaked out he would be like oh my god why like you orchestrated this yeah you didn't want to be on a lift with me chris well now you're trapped on an island i'm sweating that's oh my. I didn't think you could get better than your mum. Who is the third person, Darren? So it's the person who circumcised me. The doctor. All right.

I'm going to say it's a man. I hope it's a man because if it's a woman, it's worse. It's worse in my head. I got circumcised when I was 19. I'm sweating, dude dude this is a hot day I got circumcised when I was 19 people always want to know this story

I'll break that story quickly I lost my virginity at 18 which is very late like right now it feels like the right thing if I have a kid I'll be like you know but when you're 18

it's you know and but when you're 18 oh it's it's you know and i lost my virginity and uh uh we didn't use a condom and i remember thinking i had some sort of std because that's what you do ain't it when you lose your virginity first oh my god i'm infected i just kept thinking of my like english teacher showing me the the boards with all the different sort of green illnesses on your bits um anyway i went to the std clinic and i'd always known it's weird i'm like can i say dicks of course again i've always known my dick was a bit weird look that's in the trailer isn't it there was always something up with it right because obviously uh the good what happened for me was because uh we're around a similar age right like 30s um porn wasn't as easily accessible so uh even though i was watching porn as a teenage boy course. It was quite hard to get, so I wasn't seeing lots of dicks all the time.

Right? But I remember thinking my dick was a bit weird. Anyway, so I went to the STD clinic and the woman, she's like, imagine I'm 18. She's like, oh, can I have a look at you? Do you mind if I check your penis or whatever? And I was like, sure thing.

Once you lose your virginity, you feel like, I felt like Prince or something. I'm like, sure thing. Got lose your virginity you feel like I felt like Prince or someone like ha ha ha sure thing got a pro here meow and she looked at it

and she went and she like she said do you have issues here and I was like oh well

not really it's just you know can it go back and I was like no and she said do you mind

if I try and she tried to put it and I was screaming like the hell so I had what what's it called phimosis or something like that i think it's called i can't remember where you've got too much skin like too much skin and you need to get it done it's not like a an aesthetic thing it's just more like a pleasure thing and i remember when i had sex it did hurt a little bit but obviously i'm a virgin i don't know like you know sex is pain apparently uh so So I lost my virginity. And then I found out I've got this issue.

And I ended up getting it booked in advance. Shout out NHS. Big up. Thank you very much. Problem with the NHS is it took like months, man. It was like, it's not important, is it? You know, so it took a while. Were you like self-conscious of it at that point? I was self- of it at the time and this girl that i had sex with it was like a one

time it was like a one-time thing but i met this met this new girl a couple months later and i was actually really glad that i had it booked in because we got that we were having sex and she was older and i was like you know i was like 18 she was-odd or whatever. And she is giving me a blowjob. And at one point she goes, you need to get this sorted. Like she literally like... Nobody wants that while they're holding your penis. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants that.

She said, you need to get this sorted. And then in that moment, I was like, wow, this is like, this is like a proper issue. Like I never had, it's not like I had a dad. I never had my dad around or anything. I couldn't talk to my mom about it. And I was like, I don't know. know it's so funny because obviously you're just horned off and you want to have it yeah it's been sorted I'm on the NHS waiting list it's not my

fault they're over underfunded and uh yeah oh one thing about when I got circumcised I remember there was a it was so weird there was a guy at my school who was in the, who worked at the urology clinic. And I was like, huh? We were in the same year. And the last thing you need when you're in one of those open gowns about to have your circumcision is to see anybody you know. And he was there as like a,

I think it was on like a training to be a nurse or whatever. And he looked at me and I looked at him and he went, and he walked away. And I was like, oh my God. And he mentioned at me and I looked at him and he went, and he walked away. And I was like, oh my God. And he mentioned it to one of the staff because I know him. And he went, I don't think he wants to be around when it's being done. And I was like, no, of course not, David. Do one.

But yeah, so I got it done. And I had like an issue at the end. It's like a hematoma thing, like a blood thing. So I got circumcised and this is going to sound kind of mad. I didn't really know what it was, even when I got it done. Again, I make it sound as if I lived on an island or something, but I wasn't 100% sure of what to expect. I feel like if it was now because of the internet,

I'd be on there all the time. But back then I didn't really have it like that. And so from the day I got circumcised, it took nine months. Nine months for me to be able to shower properly and even have any sort of sex. I couldn't wank. I didn't wank for nine months. Couldn't do it. So you can imagine the first couple of weeks, because I couldn't walk. I couldn't walk. I had to... Oh my gosh. speaking of my mom again absolute gangster my mom right again carer this is this is another reason why i i had uh i i i couldn't wear underwear underwear and i had a my cock was in a bandage right little bandage cock

cutest thing you've ever seen little darth vader helmet right my mom i had to ask my mom for her sanitary towels the the to put on because they're like padding and mum, I had to ask my mum for her sanitary towels. Because they're like padding and for blood. And I would ask my mum every day, four days in. Mum, can you get me all the sanitary towels? Get your own. Get your own. After four days.

I had to put on some trousers. Luckily, I lived just down the road from the shops. Couldn't zip it up. And would have to waddle my little, like, 19-year-old self to the shops to buy sanitary towels. And I had to buy sanitary towels for about, I think I had them in my underwear for about three, four months. Darren, this story is harrowing. Oh, it is harrowing. But I tell you, I should say, it's working fine. We are...

We're back in business, everybody. We are back in business. Reports are good. I just don't... The reason why I wouldn't want the surgeon or doctor there is because I would just talk about my dick. I would, like, oh, how could I not? And you know what would be weird?

Even though that was, oh my God, that was like 17 years ago now, around then. Even though it was 17 years ago, I would still expect them to remember. I'd be like, do you remember the black guy who was asleep on the... I don't, how do I know? I don't know.

I think we need to find this guy and we need to leave him a voice note on Instagram that's all we need to do hiya I was that guy who's penis yeah

I feel like he would just get so annoyed because I would want to know everything about the process like I don't even know how they work out how deep it is how much skin to take off

how do they how do they yeah because there was no there was no real issues other than like the the hematoma the sort of blood thing

but that's like way out of his control. I can't believe it took nine months. Yeah, because of that. Yeah, because you think about it, it's essentially... That was my day. You couldn't pull anything down, couldn't move it at all, so then they move it and it's just like that. So that is just like all raw skin.

So I couldn't even have water touch it. I feel really bad for everybody listening that didn't get to see that very... Very accurate. Very good demonstration that you just did there with your sleeve and your fist. Thank you. I now understand what circumcision is.

So thank you for that, Devin. That's really helped. Wow, this is really yeah you don't that guy doesn't want to be there I think you don't want him there

you're not going to survive you're just going to be talking about you also it's also like it's one of those jobs especially as like comedians you know when you speak to someone

what do you do for a living they say gynecologist even if they really are a gynecologist they don't want to tell you that and it's the same if you're like oh yeah I work in

the urology clinic I do circumcision they're like I don't really want to tell you that. And it's the same if you're like, oh yeah, I work in the urology clinic, I do circumcision. They're like, I don't really want to tell you that. And then I'm obviously, I love talking about dicks. So I'm all in with conversating about dicks. Like I love nothing more than meeting people who also got circumcised. I've spoken about it, I did it,

I talked about it on TV before and I got messages from people asking me, grown men who were just like, who had similar issues. And I think I might have got two guys to get circumcised. Wow. It's a whole thing.

It's a whole movement happening. You need to start a group, I think. You need to help these men. But nine months, that can't be right. It wasn't right. No, no, it wasn't right. It was nine months that that can't be right it wasn't right no no it wasn't right it was it nine more it was i i think i remember i like the first time i ejaculated i masturbated and i'm pretty sure i levitated off the ground and i was living with my mom as well and those walls were

not soundproof i'm really beginning to understand your mom's behavior at this point nine months is crazy though because that's how long it takes to grow a baby and that's how long it took for your penis to kind of come to life. And imagine I had not long just had sex for the first time.

Yes, you had a taste of it and then it was taken away. It's really hard as a teenager but that's, it really explains why you're a comedian, Darren.

It's all beginning to make sense now. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Yeah, I feel like, okay, so both of them,

I think people are going to have issues with. I'll just say them straight. Water and fish with bones. Oh, I so agree with you. Okay, what is your problem with water? It fucking sucks, man. It's a man thing, I think. It's awful.

It's like so many men I know just won't drink water. I don't understand it. I'll go on dates or have people back at the house and I'll be like, yeah, what are you drinking? Oh, DC or Diet Coke. Oh, I'll have a water. I just look. What are you doing? Me and DC or Diet Coke. Oh, I'll have a water. I just look. I'm like, what are you doing?

Me and my ex-girlfriend, that was like an argument. I'd be like, fuck, what are you drinking water? Drink something else, man. You know what it is? I just feel like a piece of shit turning a tap on. And even then I'll go, do you want ice? Do you want to add ice? Can I do something?

You feel like a piece of shit turning a tap on. What does that mean? Just turning a tap on and putting water in a cup. Why? Because I'm like, what are you, a kitten? Just get yourself. You know what it is? I've got loads of drinks at the house.

Not like alcohol. Of course I've got alcohol, but I've got loads of soft drinks. I love soft drinks. I love a little something, a little cordial, a little fucking something in a drink. I'm going to pour you water. How many soft drinks do you have a day though? Oh, I limit it now. So this is what I do.

I now get the smaller can. So you know that the normal, this is what, 330 mil? I purposely get the small ones because I've realised I can just, one of those with a meal is enough for me. And I have flavoured water like all the time. I live on flavoured water.

Yeah, just normal water sucks. Fizzy water, it's demon stuff. flavored water like all the time I live on flavored water all the yeah just normal water sucks fizzy water it's demon stuff I don't know why anybody would drink fizzy water just grow up

I love fizzy water it's like exciting they've added a little it's like yeah I could only have it if you put some cordial in there and we get a bit crazy in there

what cordial is it? oh oh well I've recently become bougie I've had a bit of elderflower oh I know elderflower. Oh, I know. Elderflower cordial.

I really do feel like someone's going off in the world, hasn't he? Look at this girl. I used to have the double shrimp cordial. You're like an old lady having afternoon tea or something. Oh, put a cordial in there, please. Elderflower. Okay, I'm fish with bones. I agree.

It just ruins everything. The bones in people's teeth. You can choke on them. They're a choking hazard. I went to hospital because a fish bone was stuck in my throat. Nine months recovery. I was in a... Yeah, it was an Achaean saltfish, Jamaican saltfish,

which is just... You're supposed to take the bones out. There's supposed to be no bones, but there was bones in. And I was in, I literally went from being in my house eating to being on a hospital bed, lying down and potentially considering having a thingy put down my throat to try and like move it within like two hours. I was lying on a hospital bed with people around me and I was like oh my god

and luckily it kind of just like lodged it took itself out sort of moved and went down and it's such a weird feeling because i'm in hospital like they're about to go put go down my throat and then no i think i'm all right actually guys yeah it's one of those weird injuries where one minute you're like i can't breathe my neck hurts i hurts. I'm dying to... All right, lads, lunch. You just have to get back up off the bed. Literally, I was done. It was great. Yeah, I was in hospital for a couple of hours.

And I know it's weird to say, because water, obviously, you're on a desert island. I know it's salt water, but it's the only thing you'll be able to drink is rainwater, I guess. And then you're fish. Fish, yeah. You're surrounded by fish. You're in trouble.

Can't do it, man. It just ruins food. And I know how to prepare it. You've got to sort of just cut it and then just take the bones and just pull it out like that. But even then, I don't trust it. I don't trust it.

I don't like it, yeah. I sometimes, I did, because I'm vegetarian, I would occasionally have a bit of fish, but I just can't even do it anymore. Not worth it. Not worth it. And unless it's like, you know,

salmon-y stuff or what not but most of the fish you get when you go out it's all bone stuff so when you ate this fish you just ate it and it got stuck and then you had to go

yeah it was a fin but a fin I remember it was like a fin about this big and it had lodged like sort of diagonally on my front and I

and how did you get to hospital oh well I lived like 20 minute walk from the hospital luckily back in my old place so you had to walk? Oh, well, I lived, like, 20-minute walk from the hospital, luckily, back in my old place. So you had to walk. And I was like, I feel a lodge in my throat. And they did, they put a little thing, and they went,

oh, yeah, something is lodged there. And, yeah, I had to wait on the bed, because they were going to, oh, no, they go through, I think they go through your nose. I think it was through my nose, down my throat. I think they actually, no, tell a lie, they did that. They actually went through my nose to look at it, to see where it was, and then they were planning on whatever they were going to do to take it out.

But like two hours before then, I'm like in my room, just like laying on my bed watching YouTube. And next thing you know, I've got a thing up my nose. It's dangerous out there. It is. It's rough. I think I might not survive on a desert island. I don't think so.

Okay, Darren, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time and the other your least favourite song. What are they and why? So least favourite film of all time.

I feel like I've gone a bit different with this. I feel like I've done everything my i've never seen harry potter's never seen any of them right so i think i would go with what i because i tried to watch the first one and i found the kids to be so posh it threw me off and i got annoyed because i'm like wow they're posh and they know magic. Like what more do they, these bloody kids need? So I've never seen it. So I feel like if you put, but the thing is,

if that Sorcerer's Stone, I think it is the first one. I feel like if that was my first, if that was the film that I could only watch, if I liked it, it would be infuriating because there's about another six films and I'd never see it. Or I go to like the third film in there and just not know what's happened. That's my thought.

Or I would just go with a musical because I just can't do, why are you dancing again? What, you hate joy? I would say so, yeah. What, have you seen a musical before? I saw Bugsy Malone. Oh, okay. When I was a musical before? I saw Boogsy Malone. Oh, okay. When I was a kid.

What do you mean, oh, okay? That's good. We could have been anything that you wanted to be. It turns out you actually love musicals. That's the only one I've seen. That's the only one I've seen. Is that the one where it's like children dressed as? Children dressed as gangsters.

That's what I need. I need kids and sopranos mixed together. I've never seen any. Yeah, you know what it is? I think this is just because I've hung out with comedians, right? They bloody love musicals. They are obsessed. I think it's because, again, it's a different kind of art form to what we do.

It's a skill that we don't have. And it's so joyful, whereas what we do is it can be quite cynical. I remember, right? I did a TV show many years ago, right? A TV show. And it was myself Susie Ruffell Joel Darmett

Kiri Fitzgerald McLean Tom Allen and Ian Sterling right comedy boss we all went to different met each other's families great show

and we were on a bus one time and I swear to God Kiri Tom Susie and Joel were just singing

Les Mis and I'm looking at these like, shut the fuck up, dude. And they're loving it. Like, they loved it. And then they got, at the beginning, I was like, shut up. Then they got so big. Like, in the car, I was like, wow, these guys fucking love, they love this stuff.

And they were so obsessed. And they were all talking about it. And I've never seen anybody, a bunch of people more passionate about something like that in my life. And I've never seen anybody, a bunch of people more passionate about something like that in my life. But I've never seen any of it. And everybody keeps saying, oh, go see Book of Mormon or one of these ones. But it's so funny because I gig in that area

maybe five times a week. And I've never like just gone in. You know, I'll be honest with you. If I go in, I might love it. That's it. You're afraid. You're afraid of who you could be. You're afraid of your potential. Because I am be honest with you. If I go in, I might love it. That's it. You're afraid. You're afraid of who you could be. You're afraid of your potential.

Because I am afraid of my potential. Because they might have great, you know, there's going to be great music settings and everybody comes out and they're all smiling. And I'm like, you know, I feel like I'm going to be, you know, that audience member who sits on the front row with their arms folded at the beginning. And as soon as you go, you get your arms folded,

they go, actually, I'm here for you. But by the end, you're tapping your feet. And yeah, you get your arms folded, they go, actually, I'm here for you. But by the end, you're tapping your feet and yeah, you get the soundtrack on your way out. My agent does that. This is another thing.

I guess I'm just annoyed at other people's joy at musicals. I'm annoyed at my comedian friends having a great time and I'm annoyed at my agent who goes, oh yeah, Darren,

I listen to Hamilton at the gym. I'm like, what? You lift weights to Hamilton? What? He goes, yeah. Oh, you've got to listen to the soundtrack. He He goes, yeah. Oh, you've got to listen to the soundtrack. He's listened to Hamilton.

Darren, you've got to go to Hamilton. You've got to go. He's invited me. He said, do you get to Hamilton? I'm like, what? And again, I'm like, wow, this is too much. I feel like one of those hipsters

who's just like against it. I'll be a fan in like 2035. I get it now. So then we're going to count that as your least favourite song as well. It's going to be a fan in like 2035 I get it now So we're going to count that as your least favourite song as well It's going to be a musical And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals Which animal is it?

So very recently I have been watching a lot of YouTube documentaries on dinosaurs I've become obsessed It happens every now and again Before it was grills Now, as in like George Foreman grills And how they created all these grills. I don't know why. Don't ask me. Wait, I didn't think that. I thought you were going to say bear grills.

No, no. Obviously grills. I was like, how did he come up with this? And I was just reading this story and then I just got into the grills. Again, it's YouTube. It's weird. I'm lonely. I've got no kids. I've got no family. No one loves me. And I've recently got into dinosaurs and it's amazing what they can do. You have frogs the size of dogs, right? With jaws that could just...

So in my head I'm like, okay, well it's never going to be as bad as that. The way things were 75 million years ago in the Cretaceous period. You can tell I've recently learnt that. Anyway. It's simple. Cats. Anyway, it's simple. Cats.

It's a weird word. I went a long way. I went a long way. I don't know how we got there. I don't know what the journey was. But you know what? I'm not even going to ask. We're just going to go with cats.

I'm going to go with cats. My problem is a thing with cats, right right is i feel like whatever the desert island i keep saying desert i keep sometimes i say dessert islands like dessert island as in food um the problem i have with cats is whatever the island ecosystem is and the way things run the cat will always be fine. And I feel like I could be struggling with every aspect of it. Yeah. And the cat will not only survive, it will strive. The last thing I need is me starving, having a horrible time, and just seeing my cat eating food and then licking its own arse.

Just having the best time. And I feel like cats are the one animal that just don't really care much about you unless you're doing something for them and if i'm not doing anything for the cat the cat will be just having a great time it would just watch you struggle die and then just eat you yeah that's what i mean just eat me just lick my toes why do cats do that they always do that in films when someone's dead i just lick some old lady's toes that's and i feel like it's just gonna lick my toes and just slowly eat me. It's my least, because at least with a dog, a dog is going to try and be helpful. Yeah.

In any way, shape or form. A cat is not going to be helpful. Unless like, I don't know, maybe drag a dead rat. Are you going to eat a rat? But even then, I wouldn't trust the cat. I feel like it would just eat the cat. I feel like the cat would just prepare the rat professionally around the corner away

from me just so I don't know but yeah I would have to say either a cat or

one of the prehistoric frogs thank you so much this has been enlightening in so many

ways people can find you on Instagram is that the best place to find you yeah you can find you on Instagram. Is that the best place to find you? Yeah, you can find me

on Instagram at Darren Harriot. Instagram, TikTok, all that usual thing. Anybody listening from the West Midlands, every Sunday, 10 till 2,

I host my own BBC Radio West Midlands show. Yeah, we tell a lot of stories and have a good time. This has been great. Thanks so much for coming. I'm on Instagram at Harriet Kemsley

and I'm on tour at the moment so come and see me. Thanks so much, Darren. Talk to so much Darren talk to you soon talk to you soon