Desert Island Dicks - DAVE BERRY

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

For this week's Desert Island Dicks I'm joined by radio presenter and broadcaster, Dave Berry. Find us on facebook and twitter @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is broadcaster and friend Dave Berry.

Hey, James. Hi, Dave. Thanks for doing this. Man, it's a total pleasure to be on your podcast. I really appreciate it. Should we should we dive in? Yeah let's do it. Who's gonna be your first dick? Well it's a little bit strange this. I thought about the villains of our current time and even though they still never cease to make me loathe them I feel that criticism of their dickishness on your podcast is like screaming into a black hole, or Twitter as it's otherwise known.

And I thought about some historical figures, but none of them really kind of became big enough dicks for me to want to talk about apart from the very obvious ones, and so I was in a similar predicament. So I've picked the biggest dicks that apply to me personally. That's great. James, if you will, these are the dicks inside me to me personally. That's great. James, if you will. Oh, yeah.

These are the dicks inside me. Okay, all right, yeah. Dave, who's going to be the first dick inside you? The first dick from inside me is drunk Dave. Okay. So I would hate to be marooned on your fantasy island with the drunk version of myself. Right, okay, yeah.

So we've had a couple of drinks together, but I've never seen, well, I've never seen drunk Dave. No, well, the thing about drunk Dave is that, firstly, you know, drunk Dave, he's not a nasty person. He means well. Okay, yeah. And that sees him often dishing out worldly advice to people who are sometimes substantially sober than

he is. There's been a couple of positive outcomes from these. In fact, recently on a stag do, I drunk Dave, I was about to say I then, but we're two very different people. Drunk Dave persuaded a friend that he was undervalued at work. And that person left their job, got a new job, which paid nearly twice as much. That's great. And that person then ironically took drunk Dave for a drink. Also, my oldest friend, James, a gentleman called Toby Simmons, who I met when I was 11 years old, queuing up for the canteen at school. Nice.

Drunk Dave had a fight with him, play fighting, which resulted in Toby having some kind of bruising around his ribs and resulted in Drunk Dave having, like, bumps on his head. Oh, no. Yeah, this was three weeks ago, James. Oh, three weeks from now? Yeah, just before Christmas, at time of record. So Drunk Dave is not the kind of guy,

because of his play-fighting antics and dishing out slurry, worldly opinions that I want to spend any time on a desert island with. You've given conflicting things there, though, because the second Dave left his friend bruised in the ribs, the first Dave got his friend double pay for... Yeah, that's true. This is what I mean. But drunk Dave is...

He's inconsistent. He's inconsistent. He's wildly lovable to some. He is the brinner of pain to his oldest friends. So do you think drunk Dave is relentless? It sounds like you took that fight to a... A friend of mine, she's in our business. She said the problem with Drunk Dave,

not me again, this is a different person, the problem with Drunk Dave is he just doesn't go to sleep. He doesn't pass out. You must know someone like that, James. Drunk Dave is still chatting away. You're that guy. He's still chatting away at four in the morning, having the time of his life,

even if everybody else possibly isn't. How often have we seen drunk Dave? Not too frequently. I mean, you know, I personally enjoy a glass of wine. I like the way we're painting this out to be a kind of this is like a millennial Jekyll and Hyde. I know. So that's fine. You know, Dr. Jekyll,

I'll have a few glasses of red when I get in maybe a nice cold beer. We've done this together, Joe. We've done this, yeah, we have. But every now and again, Mr. Hyde, even though he's not a nasty person, I want. We've done this together, James. We've done this, yeah, we have. But every now and again, Mr Hyde, even though he's not a nasty person, I want to point that out. Okay, yeah. No, he's not a nasty person.

He's just not the kind of person I would want. And also as well, I think that witnessing yourself drunk is one of the most, well, pardon the pun, sobering things that can happen to somebody. You know, it used to be the preserve of, I remember my mum and dad seeing themselves in the background on like friends' wedding videos.

But now, obviously, clips are uploaded, things are filmed, things are shared around the world. And it's when, you know, on a recent trip to Vegas, a friend of mine, a former colleague of mine, a radio producer, he showed me a video. He said that this is hilarious. And I found it far from hilarious. I found it mortifying. It was not of me, a radio producer, he showed me a video. He said that this is hilarious. And I found it far from hilarious. I found it more to...

It was not of me. It was of Drunk Dave. Of Drunk Dave, of course. And he was just swanning around, having the time of his life. So, yeah, so that's my first dick. Okay. Drunk Dave.

Yeah. Dave, who's going to be your second choice? My second dick to join me on the island is Hungover Dave. Hungover Dave. Does Hungover Dave seem to appear straight after Drunk Dave? Well, Hungover Dave, he'd be terrible, because you have to bear in mind here, James,

I've been giving this some thought. Clearly not a lot, but I've been giving it some thought. And I'm picturing where I am as the island on Bear Grylls on that show that's how i picture it too okay good okay that's good so you're the creator so it's good to know um so i'm just thinking practically speaking this is the opposite of like who would you want to have with you in that situation bear grills for example would be top of everyone's list i would imagine

you look around and you see the three worst possible people. And hungover Dave. So while drunk Dave is sat babbling to a seagull about how he needs to get his life together even though he's got no right to say that to anybody. Hungover Dave is kind of not doing anything and if anything is slightly

whingy like a whingy Roman emperor who wants to be fed skittles and jelly worms and just watch Jeff Stelling and the lads talk for four hours about West Bromwich Albion's leaky defence. Sorry, Frank Skinner. Are you

seeing yourself, is it like out of body when you're hungover Dave? You're like oh, that guy. Or do you reflect on hungover Dave and you're like hungover Dave, he's a lazy guy. How do you reflect on hungover Dave and you're like, hungover Dave, he's a lazy guy. How do you feel about hungover Dave? Hungover Dave, he has, I mean, obviously, look, we've all been out and we've all had a good time.

And we've all had to maybe go to work or we've had to go to a family engagement. And, you know, and I am good at pulling on the big boy pants. Yeah, suck it up. And getting out there and doing it. But if I've got any kind of leverage when it comes to

not having to do those things, then I'm just, I close up, I close shop. You can't talk to me. I'm on the sofa. I'm wearing my Charlton Athletic shorts.

And this is where I am. And this is who I am. And I'm not doing anything else. Yeah. Not you, sorry. Hungover Dave. Sorry. Thank you, James.

So, Hungover Dave would be my second dick because we just wouldn't... He wouldn't be gathering any food. He wouldn't be bringing much to the table. Right. Can you remember any specifically bad hangovers? I mean, you worked on Breakfast Radio for a long time. There must have been a few occasions.

I did. There was one occasion when uh i interviewed liam gallagher he came in i pre-recorded the interview with him um i think you know this story do you know this story maybe you don't know the story anyway i pre-recorded uh this interview with him because obviously he's notoriously got a bit of a potty mouth and uh then we went out and we had a couple of beers and then he went and i hooked up with a friend of mine and it's when i first started doing breakfast radio so i didn't really kind of have the mentality the mindset to like go to bed at 8pm yeah which I then went on to do for like seven years so you know I

learned my lesson early on and became a better person yeah right um but the next day was when we were going to play at the interview um and the next day I woke up uh and uh I was in my bed and I was kind of confused uh befuddled as by what time it was what was going on it was daylight and i looked at my phone and it was midday so i rang um my producer uh dave um who coincidentally now works on a show that i do on absolute radio um and uh i i rang him and i said i'm so so sorry, man. I am so fucking sorry. I can't believe I have missed the show, only my second show in. And he said, you did the show.

Yeah. No. Yeah. So I'd gone in, I'd gone out, then I'd gone in, apparently did very well. That is the one good thing about Drunk Dave. He does a great radio show. There's no radio equipment on the island.

And then I'd gone, right, I've got to go, man. I feel really ropey. So I'd left at 10, gone home, got undressed, got into bed, fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up confused as to where I was and what I'd done. And you had no idea that you'd done it? No. And then I spent, say, midday until about 8pm

that whole day on the sofa with the jelly worms in my shorts, went to bed. Wednesday started again. And as I say, that was an eight year career at Breakfast Radio after that. What a pro. If you're going to learn though, you've got to learn the hard way, right? That's amazing that you had no recollection. So that was, yeah, I mean, I'm not proud of that. But, you know, as this is your podcast and you're asking me about dickish things, there you go.

That is great. Amazing. Dave, who's going to be your third? My third dick is Dave's darkest thought process is just before I go to sleep. Oh, dear. Okay. I feel like we're going to take a... Well, it's quite...

I don't know if this happens to everybody else. Well, I've actually, to be honest, I know it happens to other people because I've read about this and I've spoken to people about this. Not professionally, but just kind of friends and people around. But yeah, the third dick is the guy who I'll be going, you had a great day. You had a really great day today, Dave.

You woke up and the house is immaculate and I like a tidy house, James, as you know. The place looks really good. And then you wrote that piece you've been trying to finish off. That's all done. You've emailed that off to whoever, so that's done. And then you had that great idea for the show, and you got in, and everyone had coffees, and we had a great show.

It was brilliant. I got home. I cooked a nice dinner. My girlfriend loved it. This is a lovely... Oh, you've done a stir fry. I love this stir fry. This is good.

It's a good day. It's a great day. It's Friday tomorrow. This is awesome. I've had a glass of wine. I'm feeling good. And then I get day. It's a great day. It's Friday tomorrow. This is awesome. I've had a glass of wine. I'm feeling good. And then I get to bed and I pull the duvet up and I'm all snuggly and I put my head on the pillow

and then all of a sudden this Dave comes in and goes, what if all your family died? Oh my God. And you go, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Why would you say that? Imagine it though. Imagine that. Imagine if you suddenly tomorrow,

it just all went away. And then you sit there just laying there. And he doesn't visit every day, but he comes to you. But when he comes, yeah. Do you have that? Do you have the demons coming? Yeah, he does.

You wouldn't want to spend any time at all, let alone the rest of your life, on a desert island with those kind of thoughts. What if you died? What if you died in the next couple of minutes? I don't think there's any coconuts left, Dave. So they're my three dicks that's amazing so that's drunk Dave

hungover Dave and Dave's darkest thoughts process just before he tries to go to sleep darkest thoughts Dave are these suitable dicks James these are great dicks I know you wanted me

to say like Katie Hopkins or what the fuck ever but you know as I said there's nothing I can say about her Dave it's your show as much as it's mine thank you mate

and you've picked your dicks darkest thoughts Dave I have an equivalent darkest thoughts kind of James There's nothing I can say about her. Dave, it's your show as much as it's mine. Thank you, mate. That's nice. And you've picked your dicks. Darkest thoughts, Dave. I have an equivalent darkest thoughts kind of James, but he can creep in at... It doesn't have to be the last thing at night. It's the long commute. And it's just like, I'm like, what do all these people think of me?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Or it's just like, who's that guy? Yeah. Could he have murdered someone? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That kind of stuff creeps in. You wouldn? Yeah. Could he have murdered someone? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That kind of stuff creeps in.

You wouldn't want to be with that. I mean, I say you wouldn't want to be with that person in Eternity on Desert Island, but it seems you're spending Eternity with that person anyway. He's with you all the time. I know, yeah. Every waking moment. Not all moments, just some moments. Yeah, just some moments.

Darkest thoughts, Dave? Okay. So that's the three. I don't want to have my darkest thoughts, Dave, too much. Do you know what I mean? Because, you know. No the three. I don't want to hammer Darkest Thoughts Dave too much. Do you know what I mean? No, no. I don't want to bring him out. I find that this is quite therapeutic.

I think Darkest Thoughts Dave, this will be banishing him somehow. Yeah. Plus, I'm having fun. Today's been a good day. I don't think Darkest Thoughts Dave... He's on an island. He's on an island with Drunk Dave and Hungover Dave. But that's when he comes in, isn't it, Dave?

Yeah, the three of these are. They're linked in some way, aren't they? Okay, Darkest Thoughts Dave goes in there. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to Lipson ads dot com now.

That's L I B S Y N ads dot com. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad for drinks i have chosen um non-alcoholic wine i non-alcoholic wine yeah because there was i don't know exactly who to attribute this quote to and i'm probably paraphrasing a little bit but someone was talking about soft pornography right and they said that people who don't like porn, as in for the variety of reasons in which somebody might not like pornography, or the industry,

they don't like soft porn, because it's porn. And people who really love porn, Yeah. Yeah, and watch a lot of porn, and consume a lot of porn, and are into porn, they don't like soft porn either.

No. And I find that non-alcoholic wine is that. Yeah. Because, you know, I tried to drink non-alcoholic wine once as part of a dry January or something like that last year. And it's basically like someone can't quite work out the ratios of making a Ribena correctly. Right.

You know, using the syrup and then the water. It's almost like non-alcoholic wine is what my five-year-old niece would create if I gave her a bottle of Evian and a bottle of Ribena and a kind of wine glass. Yeah, I can imagine it. So it's gloopy, it's thick, it's syrupy. It doesn't help relax you in any way. You may as well just have a glass of a glass of water i've said this to

someone before right if you're not getting the alcohol from drinking a wine or a beer there are surely there are nicer drinks to drink yeah then a wine or a beer with no alcohol in it i will say that the non-alcoholic beer market which i discovered from the same time um has come on leaps and bounds oh right okay there are some good alcohol-free beers, because I think that the guys and girls in those big beer-making countries like Germany and Czechoslovakia and Belgium have started having a go. Okay.

Because my memories of it, I was my uncle drinking, like, Calibre at Christmas, and it was really wispy, thin. Grim. Yeah, pretty grim. But, so, the beers is okay, and, you know, if they're cold, but we haven't got a fridge, obviously, on the island. Yeah, pretty grim. But so the beers is okay. And you know, if they're cold, but we haven't got a fridge, obviously, on the island. No, of course. So, you know, we'll see. I've been thinking it's part of my process going forward. So I'm going to go for non-alcoholic

wine. And food wise, well, here, you know, at a time of record, a lovely sunny day in London in a studio, I don't like pineapple. I think that everything about the evolution of the pineapple says, don't eat me. It's got a prickly top, it's got spikes all over it. If anything is saying, don't come near me, it is the humble pineapple. And I don't like it because I was,

when I was a little bit sick as a kid, day off school type thing, I remember my mum cut up a whole load of pineapple and I ate it and now, just as you kid, day off school type thing. I remember my mum cut up a whole load of pineapple and I ate it. And now, just as you do, I associate the taste of pineapple with being slightly under the weather. It's, you know, it's hardly Freudian stuff. Yeah, same as if you get drunk as a kid on a certain booze,

then maybe for the rest of your life you can never drink vodka. Yeah, even drunk Dave isn't having Malibu. No. It's just simple as that. But my thing is that on our island here, pineapple works quite well. That's kind of its natural habitat because it's refreshing,

it's got vitamin C in it, there's a drink element to it, so it would help quench your thirst. And it's nutritious. So the pineapple, even though I don't like it here in London, in the UK, would work quite well on the island.

So here we go. So the dick food, for me yeah which i love here but wouldn't like on the island is chocolate ice cream imagine if all you could eat in a hot sweaty bear grill style island was melted chocolate ice cream the stickiness around your mouth the lack of nutrition the fact it isn't frozen so, so it's not even cold. It would be... So imagine a tub of melted, warm chocolate ice cream and a glass of the syrupy

non-alcoholic wine is all I've got to rely on while Darkest Thoughts Dave whispers things in one ear and Hungover Dave just goes, fuck off! to everyone who comes near him. It's a nightmare scenario. I'm surrounded by dicks who comes near him. It's a nightmare scenario. It's grim, that is grim. I'm surrounded by dicks of my own fruition.

That's horrible. Just, yeah, obviously no refrigeration. You open it up, you're like, chocolate ice cream. And for one day, you know, just one day you get that icy goodness, maybe once the plane's crashed, if that, and then it's just turned to this warm, syrupy... That's what you do, straight out of the plane crash. You're probably still on fire.

You go straight out and go, oh, thank God this ice cream's still frozen. I'll have this now. It's paper thin. I'll help you out of your seat in a moment, madam. I'm just going to eat this ice cream from the trolley. But yeah, and also imagine, you know, the labelling and stuff.

It would just be so inviting. And the labelling and stuff reminding us of home has been another big factor in me thinking about the dicks the dickish things I'm bringing into our island but yeah I'm going to go for syrupy wine and melted chocolate ice cream as well that moment right when you open it up maybe you've been there a few days then

and then you're like oh I wonder if there's anything in here you look and you're like there's wine wow I can just drink myself to it's non-alcoholic wine yeah this is it this is what i mean it's the labeling and chocolate ice cream it's chocolate ice cream it's probably got a lovely picture on the front of a scoop running through the top of it and that little kind of venetian scene behind it and or you know some pictures of rome um and you're like oh and but inside you know it's bad and this know, you'd have to be looking at that for years.

How did you get there from pineapple? The transition happened there so quickly that I was just like, I thought, he's going to pick pineapple. Yeah, no, well, I don't like pineapple here, but I have a variety of choices, including chocolate ice cream. But if I was on an island, I would love a pineapple. Yes. But I'm picking dicks. Yeah.

And melted chocolate ice cream is a dick. It's a 100% dick move. That's it. Okay. All right. Food? Melted chocolate ice cream. Yeah. And melted chocolate ice cream is a dick. It's a 100% dick move. That's it. Okay. Alright. Food? Melted chocolate ice cream. Brilliant. Write it down. Put it on the list. I'm putting it on the list. Alright, Dave. Fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment

on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, again, I've gone for a slight reworking of this. Okay. But very much with the premise of your idea

in the forefront of my mind. I love it. I'm not taking the premise of Desert Island Dicks and trying to be a dick about it. No. I'm just trying to think that it's such a good idea that I'm putting myself there. You know me, I'm very Stanislavski.

Yes, you are. Yeah. You know, I'm there. You're breaking that fourth wall. You're in there. I'm in. Now, there are a million shit songs, James. There are.

Heavens know we've had to play some of them on the radio throughout our careers. We have, yeah. But what I'm going to go for, if Drunk Dave was performing a dick move and pressed play and there's only one song that I could listen to for all of my time on that island, I'm going for Oasis, Champagne Soup and Over.

And the reason for this, and this is why I touched on it earlier, this goes back into the kind of the labelling on the chocolate ice cream, the believing it's a real bottle of wine, is that Champagne Soup and Over, which I use sparingly in real life because it's such a powerful song for me, because it's one of those songs, and everybody listening to this will have those songs, and maybe, hopefully, if you're lucky enough, more than one of them.

But it takes me straight back to happy places. You know, and if I was to listen to it, maybe there'd be an occasion where I could just shut my eyes and I could go and I could be transported through it. But I believe the overriding sensation would be thinking about running down the cold streets of London into a curry house with my mate to grab a Jalfrezi, being 17 and at Nebworth

and all of the things that get in there entailed, thinking about hearing at that time when I was on that date, thinking about all the things I'm going to miss out on for the rest of my life because I'm stuck here on the island is why it would be the if you if it was like the fucking birdie song or whatever you you know a billion that song about pizza chinese pizza in a pizza hut yes um then that's just an annoying song and you're already in a shit situation but to be to have a song that you know when it opens and there's the sound of the waves

washing in and then that kind of lovely good bit of guitar. Oh, yeah. And so many special people change. And for me, I'm just bang. I'm with my friends. I'm near a fire. It's a cosy pub. It's all the things. And I hate to hear it.

You just don't need that. Like, you're stuck there and you know you're not getting off. You don't need that beautiful nostalgia. You don't need to be that upset. You're already in a bad situation. Yeah, you don't. I suppose it's, I don't need that beautiful nostalgia. You don't need to be that upset. You're already in a bad situation. Yeah, you don't... I suppose it's... I don't know. I don't...

Having never been in this situation, hopefully I never will be, it'd be like having that one picture of your loved one. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Yes, right, yeah. You know, there'd be times when it would be great to see that person's face, but I imagine maybe 90% of the time

it would just be gut-wrenchingly, heart-achingly difficult. And Champagne Supernova is the musical version of a photograph of loved ones. Yeah, you shouldn't have that. It'd be a dick move to listen to it. Yeah, he's got that picture and he keeps looking at it and it's just like, time's the healer.

You'd be better off without it. Just move on. You're now a beardeded skinny man living on an island talking to a basketball let her go let her go hanks i've said it once i've said a thousand times um and then film wise yes well this is if this hasn't cropped up already or doesn't in the future on your podcast i'll be shocked i'm gonna go for star wars Wars The Phantom Menace. That has not come up yet, but that is an excellent choice for this. There is no loosely clever psychological pathways or in-depth looks into my hidden psyche

or, just to put it in layman's terms, flip-preversing the format here. It's just a really shit film. It's just so shit, isn't it? It's so shit. And the problem with it is, is it came out, it came out,

there was talk of it, that it was coming and George Lucas was bringing back Star Wars when I was about 18. So that was prime time. You know, some people had put away childish things by then, but I was very much, as were my group of friends,

we were, you know... Excited about that coming out, right? We were. And one of the big things that I remember is that there was all the Star Wars toys I had the first time around when I was a kid, some of which I sold in Greenwich Market to get the money to take my then-girlfriend to the cinema

to watch Bruce Willis in Twelve Monkeys. So that wasn't really worth trading Boba Fett for. Boba Fett, Boba Fett. So I did the thing of buying up all of the toys. After that, you bought them all? I wanted the toys. I wanted to have boxed, because it would say,

oh, if you had Boba Fett boxed, it's worth £17,000. You could buy a house. And it's like, oh, I think I sold mine to go to cinema. Or, of course, with all kids' toys, because. And it's like, oh, I think I sold mine to go to cinema. Or, of course, as is with all kids' toys, because they're there to be played with,

I believe that, you know, my AT-AT is missing bits. It's got one leg gone where I decided to use it as a club to beat my little sister with one Christmas,

or whatever. So it's not got, so I had this incomplete collection of toys that I was being told and reading about was worth all of this money. So I decided that I would buy

a lot of the Phantom Menace merch because I was being told and reading about was worth all of this money. So I decided that I would buy a lot of the Phantom Menace merch because I was thinking come about 2018 I won't be sat there doing a podcast talking about what a dick film the Phantom Menace was. I'll be rolling in the money because in my mum and dad's loft there are 500 boxed

Jar Jar Binks. So what could possibly go wrong? Did you buy a lot of them? I've got a few. So they're in my mum and dad's loft all box possibly go wrong did you buy a lot of them I've got a few yeah but so there and there in my mum there's a lot all box

if anyone wants to buy a Jar Jar Binks then please get in touch with James on his Twitter feed so so that's it

and the other thing with his like there's bits in it like for example Liam Neeson is Qui-Gon Jinn now Liam Neeson is

he could do no wrong in my eyes I love I love that man. Yeah. He's like, he's a hero. Incredible actor. I mean, he only does, like, Taken, since that was a success, he's only remade versions of Taken.

Even his new one that's coming out, The Commuter, it's just Taken on a train. But why mess with it? You know what I mean? Why mess with it, Liam Neeson? Stay as you are, man. We love you. So it's got mess of it liam neeson stay as you are man we love you so it's got him in it darth mawery like the double-ended lightsaber that was a great moment who's not gonna love that that's cool yeah um looks quite cool as well looks really cool head

and he's like oh he looks great yeah the music that that music yeah um that that's good um but so but they were like the so it kind of baited you in a little bit again and uh but effectively it was like watching um which i i you know i watch from time to time and i'm a fan of and it's necessary and it's informative joe coburn on daily politics but it was like watching two hours of daily politics set in space with the occasional cool moment yeah like andrew Andrew Neil suddenly gets his double-ended lightsaber out and he's like,

oh, what's that? And then it's back to talking to Nick fucking Clegg. So that would be, so the Phantom Menace, Champagne Soup and Over, that's my entertainment section. Is Phantom Menace

the one with pod racing in? Yeah, see, again, that's a cool sound. Yeah. And there was quite a good game that came out, I think, on one of the Nintendos, maybe the 64. With all of those elements, like, how is it such a shit film?

Well, I think it's because George Lucas, and understandably, you know, the man who created Star Wars, I think he's a bit egotistical, and I think he parked people's entertainment in favour of believing they'd be really interested in in the kind of backstory and the minutiae of every single thing that led us to you know a new hope which um it we really weren't and they got marginally better as they went on yeah you just look at what they've done with the new ones you know like disney's obviously hoovering up every company in the world

but at least they know how to entertain people. Yeah, they're good. Yeah, like Rogue One's one of the best Star Wars films full stop, isn't it? Oh, it's so good. I love that, that it's just all encapsulated into that film. Do you know what I mean? You're not like waiting for the next bit, because you know what happens next, right? Yeah, exactly.

In fact, I go as far to say that I saw Rogue One at the cinema, and then I watched A New Hope at home, and Rogue One has made A New Hope a better film. Because you believe in what you're seeing more. You know, that's how you do a backstory, not what George Lucas tried to do in The Phantom Menace, which is, in a word, shit. Dave, I didn't have you down as a Star Wars fan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, man. I just never heard you mention it before. No, well, you know, I'm in, you know, I'm in my 30s, I'm absolute radio. Oh, that's exactly why I should talk about Star Wars. You're right. I need to talk about it more often

on the show. Let's write this down. Dave, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. What animal is it and why? Well, okay.

Now, as I say, if you have got any complaints about this, then just tweet James and the podcast directly leave me well out of it yeah um i'm gonna go for you ready go on i'm gonna go for cats cats big you've gone big listen this isn't because i'm a dog guy and all that i love dogs love cats but cats the reason i think we as a species as as homo sapiens as why we love cats, but cats, the reason I think we as a species,

as homo sapiens, why we love cats is because they are dicks. Yeah, okay. But if you were to humanise a cat, which I know some people do. A lot, yeah. Yeah, but if you were to humanise, if you were in a relationship with a cat

and that cat was human, you would be in an abusive relationship. Yeah. Because it would want you for tickles. Yes. Special tickles. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. It would ignore you all day until you made it some food. Yeah. Then it would eat the food and it would fuck off again. Yeah. And that's what cats do. And then it's going to eat someone else's food and get a tickle somewhere else. Precisely.

It's having an affair. It's the Ashley Madison of the animal kingdom. Yeah. And, you know, don't get me wrong. I grew up... See, this is where it all stems from. I had a cat called Rocky, named after Rocky Balboa,

when I was a kid. And Rocky was absolutely so cute. He was a bit white, a bit ginger, really fluffy, and these big, like, lovely eyes. He looked like those kind of toys they make and put in the windows of Hamleys. But he was so horribly violent.

I hate violent I hate I loathe violence and I think it's because of Rocky you'd literally be looking going like hey Rocky

I'm like there's nine year old me hey Rocky hey Rocky come and get me you know just going to school with like claw marks

everywhere and you know and my partner she's got she's got two cats Shmoo and Neville named after she's a Man United fan namedmoo and Neville, named after...

She's a Man United fan, named after Gary, not Phil, I believe. OK. They're both the same. Absolutely adorable. While you're feeding them, they're rubbing in and out of your legs. They're loving it. You're getting the cat food out. Then they're gone all day.

And then once Neville laid on my chest and I thought, I'm finally going to get a cuddle. He's one of them kind of really like smoky grey cats. I love those. They're really fluffy. He's laying on my chest and I think, oh, this is nice. And then how does a cat get comfortable? How does a cat make the environment more comfortable for itself?

It claws into you again, doesn't it? It claws in. It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? So you can't even have a cuddle with him, right? So I'm imagining being on an island where i know there's cats somewhere they're all in the trees they're all off over there i can maybe just at night see their creepy fucking eyes they light up like the m4 they're all in the trees and and then i finally managed to catch a fish using a pole that i fashioned out of some bamboo and then they all come fucking running out of the trees.

Because that's what cats do. And that's why, you know, as I say, I'm not hating on cats. But as far as companion animals for desert island life goes, they're the biggest dicks on earth. Yeah. Why do we do it? Why do we put up with that? Do you know what I mean? I think it's because it treated me in a way.

I think cats fucking invented that. They're they are playing cats are playing us and you know and the thing is is that it's working because even now i'm thinking oh i wish i had a cat um but the other thing as well is of course you know when i inevitably can't eat any more melted chocolate ice cream and i stick one of those on the bonfire there's not a lot of meat on them no yeah on a cat yeah is there not no there on them. No, yeah, on a cat? Yeah. Is there not? No, they're skinny. Very skinny. Yeah, you know. Like a little vevet steak.

Yeah, you don't want to. No, okay. Not enough food there. I feel like there's this epidemic at the minute of people just like, of cat people. Do you know what I mean? There's a lot of cat people. There's a lot of dog people, though.

There are. Cat and dog people, I will say. And you go on their Twitter feed and they've got like, oh, you know, mostly talking about cats and it's just like... Yeah. But there's cats

that have got more followers than me. Yeah. I'm bordering on being a national fucking treasure. I always wanted to put a profanity between those two words, James. Thanks for allowing me to do that. No, but there are.

There's cats with millions of followers on Instagram. Actual cats. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It must be. It's worth following, I imagine, just because how rare it is to get a picture

of them because they're gone cats are fucking clever to be honest right they treat us like shit and they're just getting fed and loved up loads of money spent

on cats now you get this is what I mean and all they do is increase your dry cleaning bill because there's fur everywhere you crash on yeah it's horrible

like that was the problem we had a cat growing up I'd go to school and I'd just look down at my blazer or whatever. Just cat hair. You look like Teen Wolf. Yeah, it looks stupid, doesn't it?

Dave, thank you so much for doing this. James, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you, mate. Excellent Desert Island X. Dave, need I say, where can people hear you if they want to hear you? You can hear me on Absolute Radio Monday to Friday at 4pm and you can hear me on Absolute Radio 90s at 7pm Monday to Thursday.

Thank you very much, Dave. Cheers, Jim.