Desert Island Dicks - DAVE CRIBB

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

Amusical Show creator and host of Friends with Friends, Dave Cribb joins me to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, this is James just dropping by to tell you all that we've booked in a couple of desert island dicks live shows uh there's one on the 10th of december in king's cross at two north down with the brilliant tom allen and i believe tickets are selling really fast but there's a few tickets left on the website if you get on there quickly other than that i'm going to be at the podcast social club in Thirsk in North Yorkshire on the 23rd of November. Guest TBC. It's going to be good. Get on there and get your tickets now. Enjoy the podcast. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island

after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is creator of a musical and friend with friends and podcaster no those are podcasts uh it's dave crib hello hi how are you very well thanks thanks for thanks for having me on no thanks for inviting me in really lovely studio here yeah it's like a weird little reverse thing where you're hosting me on your podcast but i'm hosting you in our studios i know it's powerplay i feel like i'm very much in your world you're gonna going to control this. I'm like, I'll come on your podcast, but you come to me.

You come to me. I'll own the room. Yeah. You're very much Jameson. I rent the room. I don't own it. Oh, yeah. Just for clarification.

It's a nice room, though. It's lovely, isn't it? Dave, how did you find selecting your people for this? I've thought about this more than I've thought about pretty much everything in my life for the past three or four weeks. And then I was, my girlfriend's going away for a week today. She does theatre and she's on tour. And last night she was like, so last night, you know, let's hang out.

And I was like, I've got to decide who I think is a prick. And I'm going to sit up in bed till like 1am and just get these choices right. And yeah, she was unhappy with me and therefore probably by extension with you but here we are okay great oh brilliant that's one less listener for this episode no she will still listen oh brilliant great okay that's one more listener it worked let's dive in who's going to be your first choice do you think i should do these in order or just sort of do you mean like

is it as a league table basically right here's the here's the thing. I've got, here's my range. One person that I don't know, but is in the public eye. Okay. One person that I've worked with closely, that I won't name, obviously, but I've got a lot of stories about. And then one person who's a late addition, who I've only met once.

Only met once? Literally last week. Really? And he bumped off someone else. Oh my God. Okay, I think build up to your, like what's the worst? Yeah. Yeah.

I've got my headline. All right. Let me start with the one that's in the public eye. Right. Okay. Let's do it. And I think this is the problem with this is I was like, no one's going to be able to disagree with this unless you're a really staunch

particular fan of his. Yeah. I don't even think if you're a fan of the sport. So it's Jeffrey Boycott. Yeah. Okay. So Jeffrey Boycott, I find an awful man. Are you aware of him and his sort of...

I am thinking, who the fuck are you talking about? So Geoffrey Boycott is a former cricketer. Right. Now turned cricket commentator. Are you a big cricket fan? I love cricket, yeah. Amazing, okay. And, you know, I hope this will never alienate me from the cricketing world.

I just don't think it will. No, but he's still working very regularly. So there's a couple of things about Geoffrey Boycott, right? One is he's a convicted domestic abuser. And we can say that. There's absolutely no legal implication. No, yeah, it's a conviction, okay. It's in the public eye.

And that is only relevant, and I only bring it up on this admittedly lighthearted podcast, because he's just been knighted, right? And Theresa May is leaving honours list. Okay. Just. Because he's just been knighted, right? In Theresa May's leaving honours list. Okay. Just recently, he's been knighted. And he went on Today on Radio 4 about his knighthood. And they basically brought this up.

They said, look, what do you think about the fact that you've got this history and you've been given this honour? And his exact words were, I couldn't give a toss. No. And it's astonishing. So it did the rounds on. People would have seen it on Twitter and on social media and whatnot. And immediately then I was just like, I've always thought,

and he's got, you know, Brexity views that I don't particularly agree with. Well, I was going to say, if he was in Theresa May's honours, then, you know, you get a good idea. Yeah, and there's been a lot of speculation that she knighted him because she knew it would cause controversy, therefore burying all the sort of strange honours she gave to people that used to work for her.

There was like an inordinate amount of people she honoured that, compared to normally, you know, a prime minister's outgoing honours, you'd you'd give a little nod to a couple of the key players but she's like chucking them out left right and center really people that have you know really been involved in this process from start to finish uh and you know that's all speculation who knows whether that is true or not but yeah and she's a big cricket fan and but there's just this thing that i just i I found myself going, this, that's it, that's it for me and him now. And he's still sort of treated as just, in general,

as this light-hearted jolly chap on the cricket. So how can everyone just sweep this under the carpet? I mean, this is what I want to bring to the podcast. This is my real issue, and I don't know how we pursue this. And I don't think I'm going to make too much of a difference. But it's a very strange one, isn't it? And the problem is, I can't, I don't want how we pursue this and i don't think i'm going to make too much of a difference but it's a very strange one isn't it so and and the problem is i can't i can't i don't want to misquote but the gist was i think from him i couldn't give a toss that was like 25 years ago

it's all in the past to which i would argue your cricket career was even longer yes yeah honoring you for your services to cricket and and yeah, I just, I find him an appalling man. And I would not like to be marooned on a desert island with him. No, yeah. Just casting off the path. I mean. This is all my opinion, of course. Yeah, just opinion, you know.

It's so good that Radio 4 just went in two-footed and just said, just said, what about this? The mad thing was so many people on social media would go, oh, how disrespectful. I can't believe you'd ambush him. And I was like, no. How disrespectful? How dare you talk about the time that he beat someone? Right. It's absolutely...

Yeah, I mean, there's so much around. Anyway, I find him frustrating. I find him annoying as a cricket fan, but ultimately my problems lay away from cricket. I just don't want to be on an island with him. No. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Geoffrey Boycott. I mean, I think a wholly justified choice. Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much, Dave. And who's going to be your second choice?

Right. So my second one was changed at the last minute last week. So I was going to choose Paul Hollywood. Okay. Yeah. on was changed at the last minute last week so i was going to choose paul hollywood okay yeah because i watch paul hollywood on television and think how are you one of the most famous people on television in this country it's mad he has no personality there's a lot of stuff said about paul hollywood within the industry that i won't go into because i don't know i cannot verify and i don't know whether it's true sure but. But just on the basis of

his television persona alone, what is he doing there? It's unbelievable. How is he? How is he this revered, like, it's not just like he's got cult following. This is mainstream, prime time, your nan loves him, your mum and dad

love him, your kids love him, everyone Oh, it's Paul Hollywood. It's harsh but fair, isn't it? It's harsh but fair. Hang on a minute. Holds his grimy little hand out to do the handshake and everyone loses their shit in the fucking tent. Oh, you've got a Hollywood handshake.

And I love the Bake Off. Don't get me wrong. Oh, it's brilliant. All inceptions of it, old, new, great. I think everyone's doing great things on there and I'll be watching every Tuesday. But I just find the fact that he is such a... I don't know, is he loved?

I don't know, this is what I kind of wanted to talk to you about. Is he loved? Okay, I think people do love him, but when I watch that show, I can't help but just think about... Much like Geoffrey Boycott. I can't help but think about all of the things that you've heard about him away from the show right and you just think you know uh i don't know whether i can mention as you sort of hinted to there uh i don't know if i can mention some of

the things that have meant to have happened yeah i think it's yeah if they're if they're true you kind of think oh i'm not sure why anyone can like you well and this is and there's a lot of that in our industry and you just go there's a lot of people that are still working that you go, who can sit in a room and justify this? And again, I'm not saying that's true of Paul Hollywood, because I do not know him. I don't know him from Adam. No.

I couldn't tell you what's happened in his life. But I just find that even if you take all of that away, all of that away, he is not good enough to be on television. No. He just isn't. He's just really harsh to everyone on that programme. When you're watching it, it's just like, he's just so mean to everyone. You think they're trying their best.

Yeah, I mean, Craig Revel Horwood's also sort of around there in that sort of, I feel like, I don't really watch Strictly. Do you watch Strictly? I've seen a bit, yeah. He's sort of in my list because I feel like he's... Obviously, this is all basically preamble to the guy I'm not spending the hour with.

I'm sorry about this. I've really, really screwed up the format. You're really getting away a few extra choices here. Is that against the rules? Have I broken them? I think you make the rules. Craig River Hoard, I was watching Strictly and I don't really watch it,

but it was the first one the weekend before we were recording this. I was like, fine, I'll dive in. And I just feel like Craig River Hoard has not got the memo that the sort of primetime TV panto villain is from like 2005. And even Simon Cowell's not doing it anymore. No. He's given up on it. He's like, oh, I'm quite nice and jolly now

he's soft now yeah and he's just you just watch it was the first episode and everyone's really trying and the other three are like do you know what

maybe you're not the best dancer but you've got promise and he's like this is shit you're all shit and even the best one there was your man Kelvin Fletcher

is that his name yeah like everyone was like this was great it's the best opening dance we've ever had Kelvin Fletcher. Yes. Everyone was like, this was great. It's the best opening dance we've ever had. And Craig Revelhoard was like, well, your footwork was wrong. I was like, oh, mate, just fuck off. So there's a couple of things with that.

Jamie Lang must be sitting there thinking. Yeah, I know. God, because he stepped in last minute to cover him because he broke his foot. He was literally sat in the audience, Jamie Lang. I was just like, he was putting on a brave face as well he looks about like his body is like he's ripped and he's like got the tightest shirt on he's throwing this dancer around and it's just uh oh my god you must have been he must have been sadness and thinking fuck i know i don't but the thing is you don't know what jamie lang would have done he could have been out week one do you

know i mean he could have been dreadful at dancing I don't know if he's good at dancing. I just wouldn't put my mortgage on him being a good dancer. So I was thinking, so he's still showing up, obviously, being a nice guy, showing up to do this. Do you think he's still getting paid to do it? So I was thinking, is this the best cheeky little... Scam's a strong word. Do you think he's scamming?

No, I don't think he's scamming and that's why it's the wrong word but what i mean is has he accidentally found like the best role on strictly because yeah he could theoretically just be on on the show every week yeah without dancing a step without doing the training feature he could be like yeah the face of strictly oh poor old ginger jamie and he still gets all the best stuff out of it and he doesn't have to do any of the stuff and once he's healed i wouldn't be surprised if he was a contestant next year right right he's got to like double year double year double pay he'll always be like oh poor old jamie broke his foot or whatever he did and he couldn't be in it woe is me but oh here's test talking to

him again i mean let's not start no i know i can't i can't start on test no no no um okay so paul hollywood and craig Revel Horwood are not in it. Not your choice. They were sort of like, I feel like they're quite obvious choices and they're too like almost cliche to be like, oh, I don't like Craig Revel Horwood. No, but I think it's good. Show your workings out. Yeah.

Right? I'm really showing my workings out. I really appreciate that I've done that. Probably for too long. Yeah. Then I was, so we're in my office now, right? We're in a little podcast studio and i was coming back from getting some lunch uh three days ago and i got some pokey are you

aware of pokey yeah it's like a pokey it's kind of like a deconstructed sushi right yeah you got a bowl of rice you got some fish or whatever you want on it all the bits and bobs that you're getting sushi it's tasty yeah tasty healthy, depending on where you go. I had a nice little brown rice bowl. Nice. So I was carrying my brown rice bowl with salmon and a few bits, accoutrements, a bit of edamame, whatever you got, standing for the lift.

And this guy comes into the building and stands next to me, and he literally looks across at me. And I've never seen him in life before. It turns out he works in the office directly opposite me now, so I'll have to see him every day for the rest of my life. Okay. And he just looked at the bowl and went, you know, they sugar the rice in that stuff.

It's not healthy. I was like, what? What an opening gambit to a conversation with a stranger. I wasn't like in full gym gear pretending I was fucking training for the Olympics. I just want some food. Like if I'd have walked in with five guys, would he have been like, well, you know, a few calories in that way.

And then I sort of did that polite British thing of going, yes, what do you want? And then he just carried on talking about, oh, my brother, yeah, my brother used to work in, I'm not doing like, it was such a plummy classic Chelsea kind of accent and I don't want to do it because it feels like, again, too cliched, but he just kept, he just kept oh my brother used to work there yeah they used to sugar the rice

that's why uh that's why uh it keeps you full all day long and uh yeah it's so funny you get all these sort of uh skinny basic bitches coming in trying to eat healthily i was like mate i don't know who you are i don't know why are you shitting on my lunch like who made you the lunch police and the whole time you're eating it you're just thinking fucking bastard well the thing is the whole time i was eating it i was just thinking what a dick that's it i wasn't i don't care about the food i'll eat by my own admission some very unhealthy food i'm not a yeah like a health freak but it was just like the audacity to come up to somebody that you've never met and just open do you know what i mean like it's literally like going on someone i'm just going shit shoes mate you got shit shoes like nobody asked i quite

like them yeah who are you yeah like all the of the above and i just yeah so i just think if that's your opening gambit can you imagine spending any more than five minutes with that person and therefore by extension can you imagine being with them on a desert island forever yes I always like to imagine you're at the party and you're stuck with that person in the corner nightmare nightmare scenario

awful awful scenario and I just yeah and I don't know his name don't know what he does don't know but he's now

in my list of three if that's your opening gambit to a stranger then you know what power do you possess well that's it what more is going to happen I'm not interested

hindsight is a wonderful thing but I would love you to have just turned around and gone I know yeah I mean honestly there was like a split second moment

where I just thought about turning around and going fuck you who do you think you are this is my lunch you should have just picked it up and just slammed it

on the floor take the lid off and just slam it in his face. There it is. Oh, you've got it on your face now, mate. Eat that healthy food. So there you go. Don't know his name? He's in there.

That's great. Lift guy. Lift guy? Lift guy. We'll call him lift guy. Lift guy, great. Thank you very much, Dave. And who's going to be your third choice?

Right, my third one I'm calling on backup notes. Oh, brilliant. Okay. So this is a man I used to work for. And I'm going to be very careful about not saying his name or not saying, you know. But he is, it's the only time I've ever been fired

from a job. Okay. And I'll say that because I paused over the word fired because I was never actually fired. What happened was a colleague of mine rang me to say uh that to tell me that somebody had been appointed to my job what and that's how i found out and i never found out from the boss of the company that i no longer worked on the show what right i mean that so that's

that's your start for 10 that's's mad. This guy is absolutely something else. So he, I honestly don't know where to start. He wants, so he works in television and I don't think that narrows it down. So I think that's fine. And he once started a sentence to my friend about how he didn't understand why. So he said this sentence. He said, when I was operating on a higher plane of consciousness, I didn't understand why people watched television. That was his.

Oh, my. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't know if you can even picture the sort of person that would say that. But he just is impossible to second guess. I was once sat in a meeting with him for, I'd say, 20 minutes talking. You know, not doing like a presentation, but like being like, talk you through this, talk you through the things. Then he paused when I finished talking and didn't say anything for about a minute and a half. And I was like, does that all sound good?

And he literally went, I think there's a wasp over there. Looking at the window. And I was like, okay, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Is that maybe? But it transpired that he hadn't heard a single word I'd said for 20 minutes

because he'd been following the wasp around the window. And i was just like that's insufferable that is awful behavior here are some so basically oh great on my whatsapp group i was like guys have you guys got any stories about i can't wait x oh do you know what one thing that he did do once that i find hilarious and i would like to replicate this is the best thing he's ever done okay there was somebody that kept uh emailing a few of us about maybe working on the show or you know just that sort of thing like hey here's my cv if you've got anything anyway he eventually emailed this person who was the the boss boss of the whole show and you know oh i'd love to work for you.

Here's some examples of my work. Here's my CV. And this person clicked reply. And I don't know whether he knew what he was doing or whether he just thought it was spam. But he clicked reply and just typed the word unsubscribe, send. And just replied with unsubscribe, which I think is the best burn you could possibly...

I mean, it's great. Oh, man. Absolutely. Just leave that person in a pile of ashes somewhere, just like... It's amazing. Oh, my God. I'd love to try that one.

I'd love to try that one. Unsubscribe. That's so harsh. These are some other just excellent stories. He wants... So he was making a big show for one of the big you know one of the big broadcasters let's call it a bbc or an itv okay might have been one of them might have not used to say it was one of them yeah and uh nothing to do with so he took the

he wants to again i can't work out how your brain gets to this point but during a normal day let's call it a Thursday, just wandering in to make his comedy show, and he'd brought his skybox in. Right. And he took his skybox to the news department at BBC. It's ITV. He took his skybox into the news department, to the technical people,

and just said, I've got lots of stuff on here that I don't want to lose. Would you mind burning it onto a DVD for me? What? Oh, my God. You've just never seen as many baffled people in your entire life. What's going to happen? What's going to happen? What's going to happen? How is this happening?

How do you just think he could do that and that's fine? I know. Incredible. Incredible. This one, I need to just make sure this is just a final little story. Oh, someone's on this WhatsApp group also goes, oh, and that painting of Hitler in the toilet at his house. What?

Yep. Okay. I've not seen this with my eyes, but apparently there's a painting of Hitler. Just leave that hanging in the air. Just leave that hanging. Yep, it's got a painting of hitler in the toilet is house what yep okay i've not seen this with my eyes but apparently there's a painting just leave that hanging in the air yeah it's got a painting of hitler apparently um mad so he's working on this uh big show once and it involved loads of characters you know imagine if you were like an eastenders or something like that it wasn't eastenders but you know the sort of thing where there's families and people who's related to who yeah and apparently the art department for this program spent about a month a month and a half making this big like beautiful family tree right so they were like this is it this is your

entire world of this show you're building this is family a this is b that's how they know each other okay like beautiful great prop thing for the thing with like 60 70 names all over it and uh they brought it in he looked at it and before he'd even read it he dribbled a and i'm quoting verbatim he dribbled a massive blob of salmon onto it while trying to speak and they had to start all over again oh no that's what we're talking about this is so yeah i mean there's honestly a hundred more stories and i i think anyone that's ever worked in our like specific bit of our industry will probably have worked out who i'm talking about by now okay um but yeah that so that's i can't i won't name him but there you go that's my venting from a long time

I'm sure a lot of listeners will have enjoyed the insight there strange but mad world and sort of confirming a lot of people's perceptions of what it might be like to work in TV as mad as you think he once got the runner

on a TV show who was based on set, right, which was seven or eight miles. He was at home working from home. He once got a runner to drive from the set seven or eight miles to bring him sushi that had to be picked up from the sushi place about 500 yards from his house.

So this person had to drive seven miles, go to the sushi shop, and then drive around the corner and deliver it to his house. So this person had to drive seven miles, go to the sushi shop, and then drive around the corner and deliver it to his house. That's unbelievable. All the stories about TV are absolutely true, aren't they? It's just mad. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. So I don't know what you want to call him. I kind of put boss, fired boss. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. So to go back to your original story, you get the call from a friend. He's not engaging at all in this. I never heard from him.

So if you didn't get that call from that person, you would have just turned up and someone else would be doing your job. Correct, yeah. What? Mad. It's just mad. I don't know how. Yeah, I didn't hear from him.

I bumped into him, weirdly, six or seven years later at a thing, and I think he'd had a strange epiphany. he used to be a life coach at one point as well like he used to be a life coach so he's got this slightly otherworldly right well you know the yes yeah the wasp and the higher plane of consciousness and all this sort of like sometimes you just don't believe he's in the same room as you but yeah i bumped into him and he i think he'd had like an epiphany because he basically sort of shook my hand. I was like, I'm very sorry about all of the stuff. I was like, oh, that's a bit too late now.

That's a bit late. But you know, I hate the pokey guy now. So you're fine. You're old history. I've got a guy in my office now. But yeah. Amazing. Okay.

So that's an insufferable person to live with on a Devon. Oh, I would have thought so. Imagine. I would have thought so. Okay. So that person, that fire boss. Thank you very much, Dave. Excellent choices. You're a podcast listener. And this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads.

Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? My worst food and drink go kind of together okay so my absolute i cannot stand gin okay yeah and i cannot stand tonic water yeah separately or together so

together obviously it's an absolute shambles yeah but this all ties into my least favorite food in the whole world which is cucumber which also goes with. Yes. So, okay. I cannot abide it. People. And the, the one thing that I cannot abide more than cucumber is people that say to me, but it doesn't taste of anything.

I'm like, fuck course it fucking does. It tastes of the devil's anus. It is just, I cannot stand it. I cannot eat a sandwich that it's, you know, like some people can pick like the tomato off a sandwich. If it's cannot stand it I cannot eat a sandwich that is you know like

some people can pick like the tomato off a sandwich if it's touched the thing I can immediately have it I love sushi

sometimes I always be like no cucumber does it come with cucumber and anytime they get that wrong and they bring it or they deliver it

to your house so you can't send it back it's like I can poke the cucumber out but I can still taste it it's there it's just oh it infects everything it's i just never i just haven't realized that it is so such a powerful flavor it's so for me maybe my taste buds are odd maybe my taste buds

james are more superior yeah than the average humans i don't know you're on a higher plane but i cannot abide it. And do you know what? The problem is, as with a lot of things, so I don't really drink coffee. I've never drank coffee. I kind of wish I drank coffee because, you know, when I was a kid, I was like, I can't wait to be a cool grower that drinks coffee all the time. And it's the same with cucumber.

I see people eating cucumber on a hot summer's day and looking so refreshed. I'm like, I wish i could have that sensation i wish i loved it but yeah i guess when it's if it's like really cold i guess i never really thought about it refreshing i need coffee now it's bad and i'm without it i'm just like a slug just an awful slug man is this a new thing though did you in the past four or five years yeah right so you never drank it before? Didn't, no. Just tea only. And then I can't remember.

Oh, yeah. I was working at a radio station and they had a coffee machine. People were like, oh, the coffee machine's really good. You should use the nice coffee machine. And then I started using it. I started with the tasty ones, you know, with all the milk in and stuff. Yeah, a bit of chocolate. Yeah, a bit of chocolate in there.

Oh, it's fancy. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, I could do with one of those and that's it you're in there i know that's the thing every time there's a fancy coffee machine in a hotel i'm like i wish i wanted this i don't want to have to press hot chocolate i still feel like yeah the world's worst grown-up because every time you know the only hot drink i could basically have is a hot chocolate you can't have like three of them a day you No, you can't. You absolutely can't. Definitely not.

And it just doesn't have the same sort of swan. Do you not have a tea? I occasionally have a tea, but very rarely. I'm just not really a hot drinks person. No, okay, fair play. But there you go. Or a gin and tonic person. Oh, mate, absolutely not.

Gin and tonic. And then, so Pimms is the other thing. Cucumber always chopped up tiny in Pimms. They chuck it in. I really enjoy a Pimms, but i have to ask for it without all the fruit i always thought that they did it just because cucumbers cheap right fill stuff out right that's why they do it that is why they do i think but i just for me nah take over my life gin and tonic is it just the flavor or were you drunk on gin as a no no i've got my um what's the

orange quantro that's my i got really drunk when I was 16 because I think I was like, ooh, orange liqueur. That sounds cool and tasty for someone that doesn't really like booze but is pretending to. I think I've drunk like half a bottle of Cointreau and vomited on my friend's brother's bedroom wall whilst trying to take a nap.

They'd like put me to bed. Oh, no. It was an absolute disaster. So Cointreau is like my one and i've only ever had it once since i was 16 so that's like 17 years ago now geez i'm so old um and i think i can't remember why but the comedian carl donnelly bought a round of quantros once when we were at a bar after a gig and i just i have a why why? Correct. And B, I was like, I can't. And I had a shot of Quantra.

I was like, maybe 10 years later I'm over it. Wasn't over it. Ruined my night. Awful. Absolutely shumbled. Yeah. Gin and tonic. No.

No, you just can't do it. Can't do it. I just can't do it. I cannot do it. I don't like the taste of either of those things on their own. And there's nothing more personally hurting to me than when I accidentally sip one. You know when you're like, because I'll drink a vodka and soda,

thrilled with that, but obviously in a glass, they look the same. So yeah, get in the round, oh, I'll have a vodka soda and two gin and tonics with my normal friends, and then I put them down wrong, take a big old gulp,

and oh, oh no. No, yeah. Ruined my day, ruined my week. I've just gotten quite into gin and tonics. Have you? But this isn't about,

this podcast isn't about me. I might even take this bit out. I'm trying to wean myself off beer. So gin and tonic is the... Me too. Yeah, okay. I've cut loose off beer. I gave beer up for about three years,

about five years ago six years ago and it was great i lost loads of weight yeah didn't feel like i was just a fat man all the time yeah and so yeah i'm now back on that hype so vodka and soda is my thing but yeah again it's like coffee though i wish i liked gin and tonic because there's like oh we're good to a sophisticated gin tasting yeah yes have a gin yeah i know people love a mix and match. No one's really doing that for vodka, which is my drink. They're just like, you have your glens and you shut up.

Yes, there's no like, yeah, have a glens. Oh my God. Do you have a glens? Oh man, yeah. Now I've got really into my fancy vodkas though. Have you? Yeah, my girlfriend,

her drink is vodka on the rocks. Vodka straight, just without. Just straight? Yeah. That's. When we first started dating, I was like, you are a mad woman. Her drink is vodka on the rocks. Vodka straight. Just straight? Yeah. When we first started dating, I was like, you are a mad woman. But now, I'm on. Yeah, you're on.

I'm into it. I can't do it with a Smirnoff, but with a nice vodka. Yes. See, that's the difference, right? If you start drinking decent booze, it's fine. Oh, man, I know. It's a whole new world, isn't it? Isn't it? Because you just spend the first, like, obviously, like, what,

first 14, 15 years of your life not drinking. Then you spend the next 10 years drinking the cheapest possible thing you can afford. Yeah. And that's what you think booze is. And then you're like, oh, no. Oh, shit. Some people have made stuff for rich people

that's actually good. And that's it, yeah. So a lovely vodka, a bit of ice, and a fresh squeeze of lime. And now we're rich people. I'm anyone. Yeah, look at us. Podcasters ruling the world financially.

I know, yeah. Okay. I think this is a good choice, and I love how it's all combined, gin and tonic and cucumber. You can just go back off. Imagine if you opened that cargo hold of the plane and that's it,

just little tins of gin and tonic flavoured with cucumber. I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I'd do. Honestly, I couldn't have it. Just swim off into the sea water for me i had od on salt yeah uh thank you very much dave now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why okay so let's

do it film i've got two options one of which i've not seen okay i know it's my least favorite film okay and one of it and one which i have seen but i can't remember too much about but it was just one of the worst things i've ever seen okay so the thing that i've not seen and i'm going to just get it up here just to make sure i get the details right, is a film called Amy's Night Out. Amy's Night Out. And it was released in 2007. Okay. And I'll tell you why it's definitely my least favourite film

because it combines the two things I cannot watch in a film. I don't like horror. Can't stand it. I'm jumpy. I'm squeamish. I'm an absolute textbook wuss in all of those senses. Is that a politically correct word these days? I think it's fine for the podcast. You're calling yourself a wuss in all of those senses is that a politically correct word these days i think it's fine for the for the podcast you're calling yourself yeah um so can't stand horror and this is a horror film the other thing i can't stand in films is anything longer than 90 minutes

yeah gone i just can't concentrate lost interest in any art form longer than 90 minutes an hour fine that's my peak. 45 minutes, to be honest. I'm like, a couple of episodes of The Simpsons and I'm done. Anything longer than 90 minutes, I cannot abide. I get bored. And Amy's Night Out is a horror film that lasts 675 minutes. So I am absolutely deaf.

How is it so long? I don't know. And it's not like an experimental film. This is like a mainstream film here's the synopsis Amy is a single mum who suddenly finds herself lost

whilst trying to escape a nightmare that ends up being a frightening reality who's dragging that out for 675 minutes so 675 minutes I'm just trying to

do some quick maths on that's what is that 11 hours 15 wow what the fuck happens in that film don't know mate it's like they shot all of the footage and then someone at the end just said i can't be bothered just pop it out we can't afford an editor it's gone

i know so i mean the thing is now that i've done the research part of me wants to watch it just to see what can possibly happen but i mean it's like a whole series of 24 isn't it like it's just just watching it back to back yeah in it must be in real time right it's that is the longest film i've ever heard of yeah it's one of the longest films one of the longest non-experts so there's like two categories apparently i was looking up i don't know enough about film but there's like experimental which i think everyone just goes is like you just do what the fuck you want none of us are really that interested but oh yeah you make a nine year long film of a dog eating a bone you know it's that right but this is was firmly in the category of like cinematic release mainstream commercial filmmaking what's gonna happen in that

not interested unbelievable absolutely not interested so that's probably almost certainly my the thing i'd least likely to have on a desert island the other thing i considered was one of the best slash worst things i've ever seen i've never laughed so much i think that i thought was awful but i was at disneyland in orlando with a friend of mine and there's like i wish i could remember more details but there's basically just a film they show about how great america is oh with like all the presidents and it's like there And it's like mechanical. You know like in The Simpsons when they go to weird theme parks? Yes.

Mechanical robot sort of. And it's like Abraham Lincoln is like a mechanical thing like sitting at a desk. And they show this film. And it's just the best worst thing you've ever seen. Like at one point an eagle soars in for no reason. I'm just like I wish I could remember the details. But it's just i we howled

with laughter about just how incredibly funny american patriotism is yes no but i think i don't think i can take that with me because i think i would enjoy watching that over and over again okay but it was it was objectively the worst thing i've ever seen. Oh, no. I was just like, not only have they made this and approved it, but it's on every 40 minutes at the biggest theme park in the world. Oh, no. Imagine being the person that has to attend to that thing and you have to watch that on repeat forever. Come in, ladies and gentlemen.

The film will start in two minutes. And you're like, oh, my God, you're dead behind the eyes. Yeah, that's it. Oh, no. Only in America, right? Yeah. Right. Okay.

Okay, so Amy's two very contrasting films. They really are, aren't they? One's quite short but horrific for many reasons why the other film is very long and horrific. Great choices, thank you very much. And what's going to be your song choice? Right, so I'm not going to narrow it down to one specific. So I love music.

This sounds like such a wussy get-up. But I rarely hear, like, I did a music degree. I'm a musician. So it's very pretentious what I just said. That sounds so wanky. You make a music podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you know what I mean?

I very rarely dislike music. But what I don't know, and this could have been one of my people, but again, I thought it was too cliched. Anything by Morrissey. Just anything by Morrissey? Not interested, mate. Because of Morrissey as a person? So I think that definitely plays into it.

But there's, I don't get, I think some of the Smith stuff's great. I do. But I think that's, I've never listened to a smith song for the first time and gone that's brilliant right and i think i listen i think i listen to music more than lyrics and i get there's some great lyrics in morrissey stuff and in the smith stuff and having gone back and listened to it quite a lot of you know a few times and gone oh this is yeah it's really interesting yeah but when i first listened to anything that Morrissey sings, I just find like he's just sort of sing-talking,

not a tune, over some guitars. And this sounds horribly wanky and pretentious, like I say, but I've never got it. I just feel like he hasn't tried hard enough to write a really catchy tune. Okay. Do you know what I mean? It's all like, oh, and I was doing a thing

and then something else happened. And then, oh, what a shame this happened. And it's like, that's not a hook. That's not a catchy tune. It's like, I get that it's kind of poetry to music. Fine. Sure. Just not for me.

Yes. And also, Morrissey's a prick. Yeah. And that doesn't help me to forgive him. So I like the music of the Smiths and I do like quite a lot of Morrissey. I've seen Morrissey. But in saying that, I don't agree with his politics and some of the stuff he says and i think that there's definitely a connection to our man jeffrey boycott because uh because

how can you just sweep all of that away and forget there's a weird thing isn't there when people say oh but you can't judge art by the artist and like you know people say it's the michael jackson thing oh i mean we but he's such a talented musician and what a songwriter and what a performer he was and i just feel like the thing is right we all agree that ian watkins from the lost prophets sorry to bring this into a light-hearted podcast but we all agree he's one of the worst men that's ever lived right right? Absolutely. And as a result, nobody has listened to The Lost Prophet since.

Yeah. So by that extension, no matter how good you think Michael Jackson's music is, I don't think you can justify listening to it because at some point you're just going, basically what I think is that he wasn't quite as bad. What he did wasn't quite as bad as your man from The Lost Prophet. Do you know what I mean? You can't just...

We've all stopped listening to The Lost Prophet. When was the last time you heard The Lost Prophet on the radio? Ever. Never. Never. Yeah, it's gone. And they had some decent tunes. It's not like we were all going, oh, it was shit anyway.

Oh, yeah. When we were kids, it was like, it was the thing. Yeah. I mean, they came out and they looked cool and they had, like, great song. And you're like... They were, like like right up there. I wouldn't say headline, but right up there at Reading Festival, I remember, stuff like that. And if none of that had happened in his personal life, they'd be doing all the stuff that Green Day are doing now.

They'd be touring. Everybody would be like, oh, great nostalgia. Aren't we having a lovely time? Nothing. We've shut them out of the world. They have gone. So the fact that we haven't shut Michael Jackson, and this is the same thing with the Morrissey thing. I feel like you can't you can't separate it can you because especially because morrissey puts so much into his music right it's personal it's it's him so

there is definitely a link there and yeah and i and look there's there are various degrees obviously of the things that people have done that you don't agree with and i'm not for one minute saying morrissey is anything like michael jackson in that sense no but i am just saying i don't i find him to be quite a bellend yes therefore i find it hard to listen to his music that i was never enamored with in the first place yeah so it's kind of like so it's gone so yeah you're on the island you open up the like let's put it on the island and uh so you open up the cargo hold or you're on the plane and that's it

all you've got is a sort of roller deck of Smiths and Morrissey the rest of your life I'd be so sad to watch those

eating my cucumber no yeah okay yeah anything by Morrissey yeah I think so sorry okay no no it's fine

I'd love to narrow it down to one song I just haven't paid enough attention to Morrissey's back catalogue to actually know which one I

dislike the most. Wholly justified. Thank you very much, Dave. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it, NY? I don't know. No. I don't.

Right. What's the track record of people on this podcast choosing an animal they really hate? Because this is the one where I was just like. There's not an animal that you. I mean, cockroaches are the worst, aren't they yes so people like a big old boy spider i wouldn't want it but i don't feel like i'd be like you hate it yeah um yeah it's not for me um yeah so people often pick like um rats you get rats a lot or like some people have really strong opinions on cats or dogs right see. See, so I love a dog.

Love dogs. Cats, I'm ambivalent to. I find they're all right. Yeah. I'll hang out with a cat, but I just don't think they're, you know, warm enough for me. No. I'd love to have a pig one day. A lovely, big, cuddly pig.

I don't know. Again, I don't want to be like, I love all animals. All of God's creations are one with me I just don't, I'm trying to think of what's an animal that I would see and recoil or feel uneasy about, do you know what I mean? I just can't

really, yeah like rats let them be, they're doing their thing I mean you see a little mouse on the tube or a rat on the tube, I'm just like, it's not harming me To be honest with you, I'm trying to it's not harming me to be honest with you I'm trying to think but I'm not going to force your hand here

should you think no James I'm not going to put an animal on there I do find I got to this point and I feel like I failed you

I failed the podcast because I can't really think of one that I hate no okay so there's just going to be no animal yeah maybe

I mean can I just can I can I pull a scam and just say oh it's a dog and then I'd have a lovely dog on the island Okay. So there's just going to be no animal? Yeah, maybe. I mean, can I pull a scam and just say, oh, it's a dog, and then thought I'd have a lovely dog on the island? Yeah. Is that possible? I don't know. I mean, you pulled the wool over my eyes, that's it. Yeah, okay.

I don't, I genuinely. I don't think we've ever gotten to this point and there's a stalemate. I know, this is why I feel like I feel like I was sat in bed all night last night going, what animal do I just hate? I just think, crack on, lads. All the animals are having a nice time. I've had people choose specific animals before. So I had a comedian, Michael Adewale was on this.

And he chose a goat. He chose a goat when he went to visit some family and he fell in love with this goat right and he was hanging out he was a kid and like there wasn't loads for him to do and he was hanging out with this goat all the time yeah and they were getting him to feed this goat and then on the last day they killed the goat to eat as the meal and what he realized at the end he was about seven or something is that the whole time he was being made to feed this goat up whereas he was just like loving playing with this goat oh that's so sad

I know that is so sad I don't know why I brought that back up apologies nice little sad way to end this episode on I know

but yeah no do you know no animals wronged you no animals no like I got stung by a wasp when I was young but I just feel like

it's fine I was probably the bigger dick in the situation. That wasp is probably like, this massive guy is thrashing around. I don't like wasps. I don't like wasps, but that just feels like a... Yeah. That just feels like a... I'm writing no animal.

I'm writing it on the paper. No animal. Brackets. I'm trying to find a way. I just think brackets, wasps, cockroaches, mosquitoes, all the ones where you're just like... All the shit ones I'm going to write. All the shit ones.

All the shit ones. All the shit ones. But again, they're just doing their thing, aren't they? Yeah. But yeah, I guess you're right. If you landed on an island and it was just like things that want to attack you everywhere, probably isn't a great way to live. No, exactly.

At the end of your days, yeah. Dave, this has been great. Oh, it's been a pleasure for me. Thank you. Thank you so much. I mean, you're a very busy guy. You're doing so many things, but what have you got going on what can we tell the listeners about what have i got coming up so the show i do a musical live comedy show we're doing a halloween special

on the 30th of october probably yeah that makes sense yeah off of halloween uh in in bethnal green in london that'd be really fun the music so yeah the podcast that i do a musical podcast which is comedians come on and tell us their favorite musicals and musical songs uh which is really fun it's on tv you've been on tv doing that on tv we did a special for comedy central at the end of august i think that's just falling off now tv now so that's it no more plug-in over that okay and then i do a podcast called friends with friends which uh is people coming on and telling us their favorite episode of friends and we dissect it in too much detail. I'm very excited.

So just as you're listening to this, I've probably just recorded an episode literally in Central Perk. We're going down to Friends Fest this weekend to record one, which I'm very excited about. But it's the 25th anniversary of Friends this week, would you know, or last week as you're listening. So it's very topical. If you don't mind me saying very topical

did you did you time this deliberately no do you know what we didn't time it deliberately at all we started it about two and a half years ago and about six months after we started it friends came on netflix and we were like it does feel like we a clever person would have waited and planned it but we just accidentally happily fell into this and ditto ditto the friends thing but we just we're just big friends of friends and we do very much touch on its problematic elements we won't shy away from it but you know it's mainly celebratory we like it we have a nice time yeah so yeah friends of friends and the musical podcast and yeah do come down and see and a musical live show i'm trying to think what are the other ones we've got coming up we've got a few knocking about yeah a musical show.com go and

have a look on there now that's a good way a nice fun show but the Halloween one and the November one is a banging line up so we're going to have a great time okay and if people want to find you on social media where can they find you

I am at Dave Cribb C-R-I-B-B on all of them oh that's great I say all Twitter and Instagram that's it Snapchat

is anyone still using that I think it's on my phone I think I've still got Snapchat I don't think I've opened it for three years but yeah at Dave Cribb okay well thank you very much Dave thank you so much I think it's on my MySpace I think I've still got Snapchat I don't think I've opened it For three years Yeah But yeah At Dave Cribb

Okay Well thank you very much Dave Thank you so much Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

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