Desert Island Dicks - DOM JOLY

Episode Date: October 4, 2020

Dom Joly joins us to choose who and what would annoy him most to be stuck on a desert island with. Picked entirely off the cuff, he nevertheless creates a wonderfully awful place to be stuck. If you want to let us know who you'd choose, tell us at dickspod.com/contact, and we could read yours out in the next episode of Compact Dicks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features Dom Jolly, comedian, travel writer and creator of Trigger Happy TV. I'll say this up front, I think it's a great episode. Not because of anything I do, but because he's brilliant and despite doing the whole thing off the cuff and picking all his dicks on the fly, he gets properly stuck into the whole thing and seemed to really relish it. Before we get into it though, just a reminder that we've just started a new weekly companion podcast to this. It's called Compact Dicks and it's your chance to tell us who and what you'd put on the island given a chance. The first episode is out now and they'll come out weekly in addition to the normal episodes with guests on. If you want to suggest anyone or anything that annoys you and you'd hate to be stuck with on the island then it's very easy just email your choices to dixpod.com slash contact and they could feature on the next installment of compact dicks that's dixpod.com slash contact but for now let's get stuck into this episode of desert island dicks, the show that sees you

marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian and travel writer Dom Jolly. Hello. Hello. How are you today? I am middling average. Middling average.

Okay. It's good to sort of take a little temperature gauge at the start to see so that we can tell if, you know, talking about annoying people and things for an hour is is gonna make your mood better or worse by the end hopefully it won't sway too much either way well my problem is that I kind of I really like being rude about people it's got me into so much trouble in the past that I've got to be a bit careful really so yeah we'll see what you can get out of me well you've come to the right place um how did you find

the process of uh narrowing down your choices i haven't i haven't made any choices i'll be honest with you okay i haven't thought about it i mean there's so many i mean i often think about i do you know what i honestly haven't given it a moment's thought because i don't think i need any preparation really i don't think i didn't know i have to do homework was i supposed to have thought about it it's entirely entirely up to you. I know. Do people do lots of revision and stuff? It depends a lot. I mean, some people... I'm going to go with instinct.

Yeah, no, I think you'll be fine. I think some people find it hard whittling down the amount of people they find annoying. Oh, well, that's true. So, yes. And other people are nicer than I am and find it hard to pick enough people and things. No, that's definitely a more... Yeah, I'm more on on your side there'll be a whittling down problem okay well we're going to go for three people okay um food drink film song and animal oh jesus okay yeah that's good I mean you know that I've already done this I've kind of done this already because I've been on a desert

island with uh Bear Grylls and well Bear Grylls didn't turn up, but a whole lot of other people were there. And that was kind of, I mean, that's the whole podcast in one anyway. So I could just name everyone that I was on the island with because really that was the case. But you wouldn't have heard of them. Well, I mean, Bear Grylls turns up quite a lot on this podcast. He's a very popular choice.

Do you know what's interesting about Bear Grylls? I mean, normally I used to, can we swear on this? Yeah. So I had this idea for a thing ages ago called cunt or not cunt, which really just limited everything to just... You just chuck out a name and it doesn't matter whether you know him or not.

You just go, yeah, cunt or not cunt. If someone says not cunt or someone says cunt, you can argue it. And if everyone's in agreement, you move on. And normally, most people are. You kind of know where they sit but Bear Grylls is one of those weird ones where a lot of people do think he's a cunt but then I've met people that genuinely say nicest bloke ever does really great things lovely with

the crew and I thought he was a bit of a cunt when I met him on the beach just before he was about to drop me off on a desert island but then he came up to me on the boat he obviously had taken his top off because he has to do that contractually and uh he came up and sat next to me and started telling me how much he liked stuff i'd done and within about a minute i was like god bear grills bloody brilliant bloke so i don't know where to stand with him okay interesting all right well um it's good to get a bit of backstory on him because as i said he's right now he's right up there with Piers Morgan in most picked persons. Well, weirdly, I've got Piers Morgan is another one like that. So I've been to Morocco to play golf with Piers Morgan, which is just it sounds like a euphemism, really. And the very first thing this is at the height of my Trigger Happy fame.

And Piers was hadn't quite got to he just sort of finished being editor of the mirror and we got on a plane and we sat down and he literally the first thing he said to me let over he goes dom plane crashes now who makes the front page you or me and i'm like well firstly i thought well right now i would so fuck you but actually the joke was that nana muskuri was in economy so she would have made the front page but I kind of like he's a he's a total cunt but he's shameless as well and he'd definitely be in my sort of top 10 dinner party because he's entertaining he's shameless that's the word so yeah those are both very interesting ones they're a bit obvious though aren't they okay

well let's let's try and narrow it down then who's going to be your first choice for for the island who's who's going to be the first person that you're going to be stranded with on this island and these are people that i would be my worst people possible yeah so there's going to be the three were three people that could be the worst people to be okay do they have to be an order of dickiness no no it can just i'm going to go with cliff richard okay yeah good choice yeah okay and why why cliff just so many reasons really well firstly i kind of i think people that I'm going to go with Cliff Richard. Okay, yeah, good choice. Okay, and why Cliff? Just so many reasons, really. Well, firstly, I think people that are already dicks,

or well-known dicks, are boring. I don't think Cliff Richard is a dick, but I really hate National Treasures, for a start. And I think he's... Is he a National Treasure? I'm not sure. I think he would be considered... I mean, he's not... I mean, like, you know, Attenborough would be considered I mean he's not I mean like you know Attenborough would be the the top level everyone likes National Treasure whereas I

think Cliff Richard's more divisive you don't like Attenborough no I find him really dull okay but he'd be useful on the island so I'm not going to have him but no Cliff Richard because I mean there's the Christian thing for a start what you do not want to be stuck on an island and someone's suddenly going god this is great isn't it Jesus made all this all that kind of crap you know there'd be prayer hours all that rubbish can't have that you'd feel a bit uncomfortable around him making weird jokes and stuff because he'd be a bit no it's okay it's all fine second the way he talks that just having been on a desert island for two weeks with some really annoying people, including myself, little things start to really get to you. You know, it's a bit like when you fall out with your flatmate and then from then on, everything they do, just, you know, just them eating cereal really pisses you off.

It's not their fault. I think Cliff would have lots of those trigger points. And then, of course, there's just the singing. you off it's not their fault i think cliff would have lots of those trigger points and then of course there's just the singing i mean imagine you know one of the only pleasures of a desert island is the fire i mean we couldn't get it started but i can imagine if there was fire and he's just there is nothing worse in the whole world than the wanker that whips out a guitar and goes hi anybody want a song and he starts doing kumbaya around just that'd be it so that'd be the first island murder yeah i mean there was that famous

uh year in wimbledon where it was raining and he started singing acapella and it's like yeah i've already i've paid all this money for these tickets yeah and now that you know it's rained off the last thing i want is cliff fucking richard singing to me i totally agree i mean it's bad enough that your day's been ruined but then cliff thought how, hmm, how can I make this worse? And you could see literally no one wanted it. People were trying to rip the microphone off him. Yeah, terrible stuff. It was kind of like an early instance of, you know,

when U2 downloaded their album onto everyone's laptop without them asking. It's enforced music, yeah. Yeah, it was like the proto version of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so Cliff Richardridge and i think he would be someone who would be constantly jolly but i also think at the same time his you know he's been so famous for so long i can imagine he's quite a diva as well so behind the kind of very smiley upbeat happy clappy kind of thing i can imagine it could be quite a twat well that's what

i mean it's bad for me on the island, but good if we're televising this, because one of the things those sort of shows rely on is the supposedly nice person, after three days of soiling themselves and not eating or drinking, they suddenly snap and you see the real them. And I have a feeling he'd be mental. I think in the end end cliff would probably strip down

rub coconut oil all over himself and and go into the jungle away from us and he'd declare part of the island as his and he'd lay man traps and stuff so i don't i just think all christianity would go i think cliff would become the devil every now and again you'd sort of hear a rustling. You're like, what's that? Yeah. Do you think that was Cliff? I think Cliff would actually probably dress as a woman as well. And at night, he'd taunt you by singing Devil Woman. I don't know.

I'm trying terrible Cliff Richard. I don't know any Cliff Richard songs. I just, I know he'd piss me off. And also, he'd go, oh, I'll do everything. But you're like, oh, no, you're about 90. No, don't. We'll do it for you. Oh, OK, guys. Yeah, it, I'll do everything. But you're like, oh, no, you're about 90. No, don't. We'll do it for you. Oh, OK, guys.

Yeah, it's just that kind of stuff. If you did anything mean or you lost your shit with Cliff Richard, the other two dicks, who I don't know who they are yet, would be like, oh, you're being really mean. I go, no, I'm not. The guy's a wanker. But I'm assuming, I don't know who my other two dicks are yet, but I think they'd side with him to be a dick off.

Yeah. I think also he'd have a wealth of anecdotes which he'd love to share, but they wouldn't be interesting ones because he's always been on the soft side of things. So, you know, he's lived through some interesting decades and been famous for such a long time. But there wouldn't be any interesting... No. One time I went down the King's Road. What happened?

Oh, I just went shopping. No, his greatest story would be when he spilled tea on Gloria Honeyford in his Barbados villa. Or it would just be terrible. Oh, had quite some nights with Scylla. Really? What happened? Oh, we drink, like, wine. Oh, that's good. It really is just not... Oh, the whole thing would be just terrible.

Yeah, I agree. I agree. I remember when I was at uni, there was sort of, you know, people at uni would kind of, there'd be sort of ironic people to idolise. So people would kind of go, oh, I've got David Hasselhoff's calendar on my wall. Yeah. And I remember someone coming back with a Cliff Richard calendar. I was like, well, hey, I've got Cliff's calendar. He's like, no, look, that's money in his pocket.

Don't encourage him. Like, this isn't this isn't funny yeah yeah so yeah you can't you can't support people ironically because they have part of anything else they start to believe it as well yeah absolutely okay so cliff richard joins you on the island and who are we going to put with him who's going to be your second choice well i mean i didn't want to go too obvious but i've just got to because he just irritates so much donald trump yeah he's sort of king dick he's got to be high up hasn't he on choices do you know what i think actually he's surprisingly low down just because i think everyone assumes that other people have chosen him oh you're

saying i've gone obvious i mean i've just watched the debate that's why it's particularly in my mind no and do you know what following that i've been thinking myself that actually he should have been chosen more, obviously. Yeah. And I think because people sort of think, oh, well, I probably won't choose him. We don't lay into him as much as we should. No, I agree with that. It's a bit like people saying, who's your favourite band?

And no one ever says the Beatles because they think, oh, everyone would have said the Beatles. And you're like, Beatles were fucking great. Why not say that? So I've got so much to slag him off on anyway, so it's fine. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, it's fine yeah well I mean yeah where do we start I mean as you say we've just had that uh just shocker of a of a debate to me I've got to the point where you know I couldn't watch it but just reading about it made me feel

anxious because you know you you no longer need to sort of see it in action because we know him so well all I did I just watched the whole thing And all I was caring about was that Biden didn't just suddenly forget facts and bumble. Like that's where we've got to where you just hope that the person opposing this fucking idiot of a man manages to speak English properly. And he sort of did. But I just everything about Trump is obviously been gone over so many times but again having been on a desert island he would be it would be interesting because he would be the very worst because he's one of these people that just assumes he knows what he's doing straight away i'm a little like that when i went on the island i was kind of like well you know what if these guys aren't going to make new decisions because they weren't i'm going to do it i'm not going to pretend that i know what i'm doing but we've got to like make a decision trump would assume that he did know straight away and he'd lead you into terrible disaster,

but then he would blame you totally. It would be everybody else's fault. But I think what's beautiful about Trump being on the island is that in the end, when you finally... Because everyone gets stripped down on these islands to really what's left of themselves. I don't know what's in there. That's what would in there that's

what would be really interesting to me is when you really everything was gone and he was wiped out and knackered and exhausted and finished what what is the real trump i don't think there is one really i think it would just be a sort of emptiness yeah i mean he's built up such a sort of edifice around himself of bluster and and narcissism it's itism. I can't even imagine what the real him would be inside. It's like, I think it just feels like he stepped out of the womb like that in an ill-fitting suit and a tie that's way too long. I think it would be like a balloon popping. Or maybe when you're squeezing a watermelon,

which I don't do often, but often Russian muscle men do on YouTube. I watch that stuff. And they do it and then it just disappears and it's gone it's impressive but there's nothing left and that's kind of what i'd hope if not i would kill him yeah it's impossible you know i see him coming up on my note in my news feed on my phone and i know that's because the algorithm has seen that i can't not look yeah you know and i hate myself myself. And, you know, in the morning, I'm like, oh, do I need to look at this? Oh, I can't not. And then halfway through, why am I still looking at this?

I know the result is like it doesn't affect me and I can't I can't change any of this. But I'm so drawn to it. You know, I just need to pick a different leader from another country to look at. And, you know, I tried that for a while i tried to follow the prime minister of belgium uh who has a twitter well he has quite a modest twitter page and i'll be honest it's not the same no it doesn't i mean the the brilliance of trump is that if you really love trump then you want to watch every moment of it because you agree with him but it's exactly the same if you hate him i mean i i loathe everything about him but I I'm addicted I'm totally addicted to this sort of weird film that isn't a film I mean it's if you

if you scripted him people would say oh come on that would never happen way too much tone it down a bit it's it's insane and part of me wants him to no there isn't a part of me that wants him to carry on for another four years because you kind of it is like a film you hate but you love you kind of want it to carry on but my problem is if he loses he will make up some excuse which won't be his fault so i often dream about what is the perfect end to him where he he's humiliated and he can't get out of it like he can't say it was fake news or they you know faked it what i don't know what that is really i mean even if he was caught you know greased in olive oil screwing a pig i just think everyone go hey yeah i mean i suppose the way we've got to with

him now is that even if he loses he's never going out the public eye again and then hopefully now we get to see if he loses then we'll get to see all the i'd like to think we'd get to see all his comeuppances if he loses then he does become liable to things like tax and if you remember like the only way they ever got al capone in the end you know all the things al capone had done he was done for a tax deal so my only thing is would it be him in fact when I'm choosing Dick because actually I all when I'm choosing Dick as I do when I actually almost hate Donald Trump Jr more than Donald Trump because doofus Eric he's kind of

you know he's a loser he's always sort of been unhappy. Ivanka, I just can't bear. But Donald Trump Jr. so wants to be his dad. And it's so clearly only there because of who his dad is. It's almost more annoying than Trump, who's in a way a self-made dick. So I don't know, it's complicated. And also, if you have Donald Trump Jr. on the island, much as I hate him, he's a big game hunter. You know, he goes and shoots giraffes

with sniper rifles so be nice to test his abilities like properly on an island because i couldn't you know i spent two weeks trying to catch an iguana and i couldn't and i tried to find uh yucca to eat and ended up boiling wood for two days and eating wood i was so shit so it'd be nice to see him brought down to earth in that way as well. Yeah, because I mean, both of them would be absolutely incapable of looking after themselves at all. So

then you'd be in the position of, well, you could let them die, but then, you know, you're going to have to listen to that happening. I would listen to that happening. I'd enjoy that. Yeah. I mean, we are in a situation where you know i thought for the first time and i i wonder you know if he died we've got to be very careful on this because we'll end up on some list yeah um saying this but let's let's just say it did happen

i would hope it would be satisfying yeah i mean i think the the morally the the least bad outcome was that you felt nothing about it you know because know, because it would feel bad to feel so good about it. But you know that so many people's lives would be better. I don't think it would feel bad. I have to be honest. I mean, I just yeah, I don't know. It's very weird, this whole thing. I think with the with the election, if he now if he loses the election, I mean, we'll still get to hopefully get to see him get his comeuppance but at the same time there's going to be a very tricky road to getting him out of the White House first so that's the sort of other struggle

there's a very small window what I'm waiting for people to ask him is because he keeps saying oh this is going to be a phony election nothing counts so it's all rubbish and no one seems to say to him what if you win then seeing as it's all rigged and fake and everything no one seems to ask him that and what if you win then, seeing as it's all rigged and fake and everything. No one seems to ask him that.

And I think that would be a good question to see him answer. Yeah, well, yeah. But I mean, logic is just out the window with him, isn't it? I mean, it's insane. My only real worry, actually, with having him on the island would be what if I got on with him? Because, you know, when there's only three dicks on the island, you end up thinking making the best of a bad deal and would he be like Piers Morgan sort of weirdly interesting in a way

I mean he's got to be more interesting than chatting to Cliff Richard how long have you got to chat to Cliff Richard I'd say five to ten minutes and I'd be I'd go Cliff I'll be honest with you I've I've got nothing here now whereas with Trump I mean you could argue with him for hours um so he might be entertaining that would be the worry I used to have a friend uh who reminds me of Trump a little bit in that you know there's that sort of narcissism he's president of the United States yeah exactly yeah but I mean you know it's so difficult to see anyone who has the hallmarks of Trump in the real world I mean I knew someone who came fairly close in terms of

I could say narcissism and maybe a bit of psychopathy yeah and he had that sort of thing of like also being able to be quite charming as well because you just couldn't believe he would behave in such a way and he'd you know there'd be times you'd he'd be at a party or something and there'd be someone who'd be completely opposite kind kind of a left-wing hippie type. And by the end, they'd be getting on really well, despite everything, just because he'd say exactly what... And that does... There is a real concern there, I think. But that is the skill of the sociopath, isn't it?

He can almost... They're chameleon-like. They kind of adapt. But, yeah, I mean, straight away, you've got Trump and Cliff Richard, so you'd hope there'd be a bit of a Barney going on there anyway and you could watch because me what I'd really like is the three dicks I'd like a dick fight I'd like the three dicks to be

really at each other all the time and almost because the one thing you really get on a desert island I'm sorry to keep going on but I don't know if you ever had anyone that's been on a desert island before but I fucking have and the real problem is boredom apart from anything else. And so anything that's entertaining.

So even if there's a big fight, as long as you're not involved, you think, oh, this is brilliant. You know, it's like it's your telly, really. So you've got to think of it that way as well. I think Trump might just murder Cliff. So my third one would need to be a balancer sort of thing. Okay, so let's have a think about who the third person could be then um it's a tricky one because there's so i kind of want in a different genre i think i think i think i'd go for jamie oliver, okay, nice, yeah. Not sure why.

Because I think I'd probably get on with Jamie Oliver quite well. I just think there's a sort of... It just irritates me, I think. I don't know, I don't know why. I think he'd be mockneying away. I think it's possible he can't cook. I'm not sure. He famously went on Desert Island Discs and when asked what book he'd take,

said he'd never read a book. Now, I kind of admire that, but also it really irritates me as well. So I'm sort of choosing Jamie Oliver as a amalgam of celebrity chefs. I mean, I'm also being slightly selfish because you're going to need a chef. Trust me, having been on there,

it was just a shit show. I need someone that can cook anything. I mean, cook anything from anything. So we're going to need his cooking skills. But also, I just want to drill down into how real the whole Cockney malarkey is, that kind of stuff. It's just, yeah, it'd irritate me. Also, I think him and Trump would be interesting together yeah definitely definitely it'd be yeah he's such an interesting one i find of all those chefs i i have a real love hate i go around in circles with him like sometimes i think

oh he's you know he's because there's one point he was absolutely everywhere yeah i think i read somewhere he's he's worth more than paul m McCartney these days. He's done incredibly well. But sometimes you think, oh, fair enough, school dinners, great. That's a good cause. I'm totally with you on that. I thought he was a massive dick. And then he went off and started doing the school dinners. And that was amazing.

And then he went to America. And he was in West Virginia trying to persuade them not to eat hamburgers or whatever. And literally, they just just went go fuck yourself and it looked to me like the very first time in his life where anyone had ever just said do you know what go fuck yourself and he didn't take it well at all so i think he does have really nice uh intentions but i just to me he feels like a tv product he feels like and maybe he isn't but he just feels like something that's been produced from the mind of a tv of a middle-class tv producer you know well i think didn't they say that's you know they were filming a program about the river cafe and they saw him in

the background i thought oh he's a is that true though i you know there don't know there is this backstory and if that's true i can see why i mean he's clearly passionate about what he does which i've got no problem with it's just it's all the things that he's agreed to let they're either his ideas and they're annoying or they're the things that he's agreed to let people do so there was a lot of that i mean i like a vespa i'll be honest with you but there was a lot of sort of scootering around. There's a great scene where he scooters onto an American talk show and literally crashes, which is fucking fantastic. There's all the, you know, me old mucker,

and it was sort of a bit sort of really no one talks like that. The faux cockney element to it. I'm feeling guilty now I've chosen jamie oliver because there's far worse i mean gordon ramsey jesus christ yeah but i just think gordon ramsey and trump would really get on actually i think i think so they're quite similar in a way i'm trying to choose a a melange of dicks so yeah there's such a fine line isn't there between with celebrity chefs because it's sort of as soon as they do anything worthy it's like so fine line like with jamie oliver you know you won a lot of hearts with this british uh school dinners thing yeah and then i loved it

when like heston blumenthal's agents obviously told him to do a similar thing and he was like oh i'm gonna sort out nhs food yeah okay. And then he went on to do, like, The Little Chef or something. And you're like... See, that... The fucking... The Little Chef. I love Little Chef. I mean, Little Chef was the only place in the world

where you could just get the equivalent of the best breakfast in the world, which is a cross-channel ferry breakfast. And you could get it by the side of the road. I always thought they should employ Little Chef. Yeah. But I just... I love the concept Little Chef.

And Little Chef just didn't need changing, especially by Heston Blumenthal, you know, who frankly, you know, I mean, he's a, you know, he's a scientist, isn't he? He's a boffin. Yeah, he's someone who I don't think, it doesn't feel like he enjoys food that much. He just enjoys the sort of chemistry of it, doesn't he? He always feels to me like a man that used to watch the moon shoots,

you know, the moon trips and think, when he saw what astronauts ate, he thought, that's what I want. That's the kind of restaurant I want. I want my food in a tube. I actually went to the Wild Duck. They did a sort of, I think, 20 years on. I'd never went to it at the time.

And actually, Wild Duck was kind of big when Trigger Happy was. And they did a sort of 20 years later, they did the original yeah i saw that did you i can't remember i got so pissed and uh i'll be honest it was shite i didn't enjoy it at all so there you go all right i don't know i feel like watching heston blumenthal interact with humans it's almost like he's a kind of an alien studying what he thinks humans would say and do that is interesting actually it's almost like yeah he's an alien who's come to study us has realized that he doesn't like our food and so he thought shit if i start eating my alien food it'll give me away so he thought i know i will pretend to be someone trying to make food into alien food i think it's complicated possibly not yeah and he And he'll just stand back

and watch everyone gorge on his food and be like, look, you can lick the wallpaper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything is edible. Whereas Jamie Oliver would be like, pucker, fucking great. Go on, muck it in.

Put the yucca in the wood, all that crap. Okay, so Jamie Oliver's going to join you then. So I think that's a fine choice for quite an uncomfortable atmosphere. So I think we're getting off to a really good start here. That's good.

Now, Dom, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Right, so beetroot is the food. Yeah, good call. I just can't get my head around beetroot weirdly i like borscht which is the sort of russian beetroot soup i should like it because it's a nice color

but i just the consistency of it the everything about it is it just it makes me physically sick it kind of gives me a reaction actually i always found it has a sort of dusty taste to it it's like a very dusty yeah it's the consistency it's like a very earthy, dusty... It's earth. It's the consistency. It's like for a long time, when I still let beetroot, where I was forced to, I thought, was no one washed this? And I always know this is how it's supposed to actually taste. Then people started

changing its name to Beets to try and make it sound a bit more Dr. Dre. And it didn't change it for me at all. So now I just can't get my head around it at all. That would be the annoying thing on an island, would be you dig up, the only thing you could dig up would be beets. And then you think, I can't eat that.

You know, I prefer the wood. Everyone's face is stained red like vampires. But that's what happens. And then, you know, everything coming out the other end is coloured. It's not good. Yeah. It's one of those foods that if it's anywhere on your plate, it's very pervasive, isn't it yeah it really sort of takes over everything yeah it's like a sort of plate bully it bleeds on everything it goes yeah you know beet was here yeah it beats up other

things it's uh yeah it's it's horrific and then people started going into oh it's not good enough to have purple beet we're gonna have a sort of mixed beet and so that you get beet salads where beets beetroots become different colors like what's happening there's someone dying them is that natural i don't know anything about beetroots i don't like them i don't think they should be here no i think i think you're right in australia they're very popular in burgers so and if you go into mcdonald's in australia they have something called the osburger and it's got a slice of beetroot in and i remember being there and seeing it and thinking it was like a slice of bacon because yeah that's what it looked like you know you see this thin strip of

red and why the fuck would you put beetroot in there and you didn't think you wouldn't think that would be so popular that the burger named after your country that's what symbolizes your country and then even like you know you take it out you can still taste it it's such an aggressive flavor it is aggressive but then i mean you had a better you had a better experience than i did in australia when i was in australia i went to the road kill cafe whose motto was you kill it we grill it and we ran over a wallaby not on purpose but when we were filming and so the wallaby was brought to the we brought it to the roadkill cafe they chopped off the tail and grilled the tail and that was the most disgusting thing i've ever had it was like a sort of it was like a bone penis not that i'd know but it was just really

fucking awful one of the things i really like about mcdonald's is is how they do that kind of you know what wherever we are we're just gonna drop in a little bit of local flavor you know what, wherever we are, we're just going to drop in a little bit of local flavour. So in Delhi, there's a sort of, you know, a basmati burger or whatever. It's like, it's so patronising. The only thing I do like is that in German McDonald's, full of beer, you can go get pissed at McDonald's, which is nice. Yeah, yeah.

I think, I like that because it's like, let's not pretend that we're doing anything good in this place. No, no. But what we're going to do is just rip out some lazy stereotype and chuck it in our burger although yeah to be fair beetroot is quite an interesting thing to put in yeah i mean it seems like it's too natural to go in a mcdonald's burger i mean i guess they have like a suggestion of salad and stuff sometimes a hint of salad yeah a salad but i agree i think beetroot can absolutely get fucked so um what are you going to try and

wash that down with? What would be your drink choice? Does it have to be alcoholic or anything? No, anything at all. Carrot juice. I sort of have a problem with juices anyway. Obviously from the kind of crap they have in weird health food places, seagrass and stuff like that that they put through.

There's a consistency to fresh juices that i don't like i do like a really nice fresh orange juice but it pulpy bits kind of start to freak me out but carrot juice i think is the work of the devil it's the devil's semen as far as i'm concerned i'm not big on carrots anyway but carrot juice just everything about it makes me rich yeah i don't think I've ever actually tried it because thinking about it, yeah, why would I have? I mean, it seems like of all the different juices available, it's like... Because what happens is at some stage, possibly later in your life, because you're quite thin at the moment, you realise that you're going to start juicing and you buy a juicer and you start showing it to all your friends.

You go, oh, yeah. And you literally start juicing everything that exists that's why you end up with beetroot juice and you just you let you literally you get bored and it lasts about six months but you juice everything and you know until the cat goes in and then you think right enough stop so yeah it'll it'll come don't worry but carrot juice is just disgusting and then so you go to these juice bars and they give you like mixture juices and you think, oh, that looks really, really good and then they always

just slip in carrot. Like, no, I don't want a carrot. Yeah. And it's probably just because it's the cheapest and it bulks it out a bit, isn't it?

It's exactly that, yeah. There's a weird sort of cult around juicing, isn't there? It's kind of like, almost as if it's like, oh no, I'm juicing now. This is the thing.

Yeah. Like you say, it's like, a bit sort of evangel'm juicing now. This is the thing. Like you say, it's a bit evangelistic. It's not enough to just eat all those things in a salad. It's like almost by juicing it, you get more, whereas I would have thought you'd get less than just eating. Because eating all the ingredients is probably nicer. Well, yeah, because that's the whole reason people cook and stuff. Essentially, it's for morons.

It's kind of baby food for vegans um and and actually people that juice deal with juicing in the same way that vegans do like you know how do you know someone's juicing they'll tell you within the first three seconds they don't stop talking about it and all and juicers sort of carry them around with them so they have day packs you know and it's written on the top breakfast lunch supper and they've got little special bags they put in their car and then if you've invited one round for supper oh round he comes just let you know i'm juicing but don't worry i'm bringing my own and so everyone else is eating and it's like you've invited some sort of man baby in the corner who's pouring this stuff it's disgusting on every level it's awful i'm not keen on it used as a verb either like i'm juicing right now yeah

no you you're on a juice diet just say that i mean just say i'm juicing yeah what that used to be quite a sexy term and now it's it's just gone for me yeah i agree i think i don't i don't understand why it's got such a my brother got into it a while ago and he'd sort of i'd be staying at his for a while and uh every day go and get a juice and i'd get one as well and i'd just get nice things like oranges and apples and bananas you've got to get super greens and keto plus and yeah and then he'd be drinking his with like lots of weird shit in it and i'd say just try mine yeah he was like oh wait that's delicious so yeah of course because you can have all the fruit because it's apple juice it's really nice yeah and it's still good for you

because it's fruit. If I ran a juice bar, and I think this is what they do, one day someone just went, tell you what, yeah, what if we just totally made up a thing? And it can be anything, like just empty the ashtray in there and we'll call it canola juice. Yeah. We'll say that it's used by South American Indians to improve virility and depression.

Off we go. That's how Whole Foods started. I mean, it is planet organic is full of people like that with these weird juices. And the problem is that everyone that juices look like vegans. They're all anemic. They look sickly, pale. They look near death. And you're thinking, how long have you been juicing? Because if you're juicing because you're so ill, it'll make you better. I understand that. But if you've been juicing more than two months, I'm telling you now it how long have you been juicing because if you're juicing because you're so ill that'll make you better i understand that but if you've been juicing more than two months i'm telling you now it's not doing you any good yeah yeah i just think everything comes back to having balance and moderation you know and there's no balance of just having yeah juices and when people sort of say oh it's green juice you've got to have green juice and it's like but not everything

that's green has the same stuff in it which is insane and if anything green in a cup and blend it i agree you can go from kiwi to grass you know and not the good grass but i i mean but the whole thing is weird i had a friend who genuinely went on a diet where she decided that she would only eat animals that she considered uh sort of visually beautiful and that was how she did it. So prawn, not a chance. Sheep, yeah, that's fine. Peacock? What? Nice.

Peacock, butterflies. I don't think she got the chance to eat peacock. I don't know what you eat. No, but I just think if you're just going on aesthetics. But that's what she's going on. So she'd go through fish and she'd have to look at the original fish before it was chopped.

Honestly, I mean, she's mental, obviously. She now is a juicer. But, yeah, it's very weird, the whole thing. I quite like that. It reminds me a bit in Fight Club where there's a bit he sort of goes, I just wanted to destroy something beautiful. That's kind of her approach to the diet. Well, I think she wants to eat something beautiful.

I think she felt that she didn't want to put anything ugly in her mouth which was ironic to be honest if you've met her husband but um yeah let's move on okay good so that's your food and drink choice um now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song what are they and why i hate star wars i just hate because it just you like star wars don't you i can tell i i do like it i'm not a sort of i mean i don't know everything about it but i am quite keen i admit there are lots of flaws and i'm happy to to discuss. You know, I shan't be offended.

Okay. I can understand why people hate it. I just don't understand why adults are into something that, frankly, is made for a 12-year-old. I get it. When you're 12, you saw Star Wars. At the time, those effects, which I've seen in clips, probably looked great. It was kind of funny with the chewy backer thing. But, I mean, that was was 1977 just get over it like they keep talking about it it has become like a sort of nerd religion and uh i don't know it's a kind of identifier to me if i see anything

star wars related in someone's house i'm like it's a bit like you know when you're talking to cliff if you didn't know cliff was and he's chatting away and you go god this island's great isn't it and you go yeah it's really good and he goes yeah jesus made all this and you're like what it's a bit like that the moment anyone brings up sci-fi and i'm blaming star wars but actually i'm sort of fond of star wars as well because it was it kick-started a lot of things what i really hate now is that I can't go to any, you know, the 1970s when Star Wars was made, had some of the greatest films of all time, Serpico, you know, Godfather, all these great, amazing stuff. And then Star Wars started and film companies realised that really, you need franchises, you need things you can sell toys for, you need something which every film that the last

you know two-thirds of is just one massive explosion and that's all that happens so it's responsible for every shit to transformers to all these stupid avengers movies all this world of marvel bollocks i can't bear it i go to the cinema i know i'm saying like a burke boomer but it's just true and i go there i'm just like I don't want to see fucking mega mega fucker 7 I just don't want to I want to see a good film

and I suppose looking when I look at those sort of films from Transformers to what did I try and go and see even Batman that fucking shit I mean what is that about

everyone goes oh the Dark Knight it's brilliant no it's not it's fucking awful so in a way I almost prefer Star Wars because at least

it just thought oh I'm just going to make a weird little film and it's quite funny I mean again I haven't seen the whole thing but I've seen enough of it on people's Twitter feeds

to put the things together it's alright so I suppose I'm blaming Star Wars not for it but for starting it. Starting this shit. For what it gave birth to.

So I hate this mega movie sequel shit. There you go. But it doesn't bother me. Fair enough. I really hate them. I suppose that's the thing about Star Wars. For so many people it is because it's, you know,

reminds them of a time of innocence and, you know, it's a sort of a call back to that. But that on its own, I guess, isn't enough of a reason for the longevity alone. I'm changing my mind. I mean, I'm not actually having a go at Star Wars, especially as I haven't seen it, because it is unfair. But I'm changing it to a genre, if you see what I mean. It is the multi-billion

superhero mindless franchise shit. That's what I can't bear. Well, because also with these things, so, you know, I guess a good example is the Marvel films, which I haven't seen, and they seem to be developed, or have developed, as kind of loyal

a following as Star Wars and things like that. every now and again I think oh maybe I'll give one a go it looks like mindless fun yeah and then I see it's three hours long or something yeah and I have to know about all the other films to understand what's going on at least with Star Wars it's got the very lazy but useful gimmick at the beginning where it just has that the rolling credits that just should just say let me bring you up to speed here's what's going on there's this bloke on this planet he's pissed off with him yeah blah blah blah blah and you go okay don't need to see any of the others there'll be references i don't get star wars was essentially a western in space wasn't it it's got baddies and goodies and it's kind of obvious but you're right about the the

the you know super franchises like my boy's 16 and he loved Avengers Assemble or Avengers Fuck Off, whatever it was called. And I went to see it with him because I thought I really wanted to share something with him. And he didn't enjoy it because he could sense my sitting there going, this is shite. And then he came out and he said,

I'm really sorry, Dad, I should have explained. I said, but I got it. But who gives a shit gives a shit he said no but you missed so many things you see that happened because thor did this and and you realize that this is a massive jigsaw puzzle and they've they've developed this world where to be part of it you have to spend vast amounts of money to see all this shit i mean it's like there's never an end to it. Do you know what I mean? It's like a constant, it's like every, I suppose, good or bad. There's a show I watch called Below Deck,

because I watch really quality television, which is about the crew on super yachts. And the one thing it is fucking brilliant at is you think, I'm just going to watch one more. And then just as it finishes, it goes, next week on super yachts, Jamie takes crack and takes the whole ship hostage. You're like, oh, I've just going to watch one more. And then just as it finishes, it goes, next week on Super Yachts, Jamie takes crack and takes the whole ship hostage. You're like, oh, I've got to watch that.

And then they just go into it. And I think that's what this is. I've completely lost my train of thought, but no, fuck this. I don't like it at all. Fair enough. It's also not, it's kind of an unsettling thing, isn't it? If you're not into it, there's so many explosions

and collateral damage and plot twists and because they i don't understand why they have to be so long but it's such an effort to watch them it's yeah but also the last third is basically special effects people wanking i mean and that's what i don't like and actually funnily i've just been watching the boys on amazon and actually that's just started now to get a bit blowy-uppy but what was nice about it in the beginning was this weird world of sort of the real life i mean i like documentaries i like gritty stuff even my comedy is like ad-libbed real stuff and that's what i like and so the boys i really like because it sort of felt like fuck these superheroes are awkwardly trying to fit in

to just a really dull world. But in all this heightened shit, the Transformers is the kind of worst example of it all because it's this sort of... I mean, I listen a lot to Mark Kono, so I know about this through Mark, about the sort of terrible, sexist, appalling world of the man that makes them.

But anyway, I'm just... I'm so OK booming on this. Stop. No, I think there's many people out there who will absolutely sympathise with what you're saying, so it's fair enough. Well, I'll distract you slightly with a slight change of pace. What would your song choice be?

I mean, I can see from your backdrop that you are a music fan. You have lots of pictures up of great musicians. Who do I... I mean, it's... What do I hate? I think it's, what do I hate? I think it's got to be Imagine by John Lennon, actually. I mean, there's so much shite, obviously, that I hate. And I hate false music and all that crap. But I think the one thing I've got as music taste,

like Trigger Happy had, I think, well, I know, a great soundtrack. And I chose every second of it. And I was really proud of that. And I love, love love love music but I think the one difference I have to I have a lot of friends that are music snobs and think they have amazing taste and that stops them from liking just throw away pop and I love a great pop song as much as I love a Nick Cave song or it just doesn't matter if a song comes on and it makes you just want to listen to it again and again, you know, from Kylie to whatever, then I just, I think that's genius.

So I think, I remember hearing Imagine. In fact, I was at boarding school and some arsehole of a teacher came in because I was really into the Beatles. And he said, I remember him waking us up and saying, who here is, he was American, who here is really tired of jolly going on about the Beatles? Everyone's like, what? He goes, well, he won't anymore.

John Lennon's dead. I was like, what? So that's how he announced John Lennon's death. And then because John Lennon died, I think they re-released Imagine and that went to number one. So I went sort of tearfully into Oxford and bought the single for Imagine. And I kind of hated it because actually it was everything.

John Lennon was really sarky and really caustic. You know, if you look at the Beatles and break them down, like my brothers and sisters, we all had our favourite Beatles. You had Paul McCartney, who was like, hey guys, you know, really nice. And you had Ringo Starr, who was just a drunk. And you had George Harrison, who was a hippie. And then you had John Lennon, who was the sort of art school, slightly caustic punk. And I think when he did the Imagine thing,

it was like, really? That was like, it was kind of like, he'd sort of gone against a lot of what the 70s stood for. And then suddenly there is Imagine, there's no people. You know, Imagine No Possessions, he's playing it in this massive white house or his penthouse of the, his penthouse above New York. And you're like, come on.

So all that crap. Just a really annoying song, really. Yeah. It's always really annoying when you see someone who's like, they're not perfect and they're also not doing much about any of these things. It's like every now and again you get a pop star going, hey, wouldn't it be great if things were better? And you go, yeah, they would be great.

Why don't we just all get on, all right? Hey, fuck off, I'm recording. And it's just like, obviously, it's a lovely intention, but you're not doing anything. At least, like, I mean, it's annoying when celebrities start becoming UN ambassadors for something or other, but at least they're sort of vaguely trying, you know. I think you could say the same for all you need is love, to an extent.

It's like, yeah, we we know but it's complicated i want it to be simple but fuck off i've done my bit all you don't need is love you know and i have imagined having no possessions and frankly it sounds shit you know imagine all the people living in harmony i mean it just sounds like fucking disney it's like, no. I mean, this show wouldn't exist if that happened. So there's no way I'm doing that. So that's a dick song. Yeah, and I think it's one of those that gets wheeled out a lot with like, you know, when it goes, oh, what's the nation's favourite song?

It's always that. But it's bollocks. Nation's favourite song in reality. You know, it's like when you say what your favourite song is and then if you actually looked at your Spotify playlist top five most played, that's the truth. And Nature's favourite song is probably Agadou. You know, like, it's shite. Yeah, and then it's always that and If by Rudyard Kipling for the poem.

It's just the one that people can remember. Yeah, they're just literally text... Yeah, they're tick box ones. They really are. It's just, as a song, it's not even that interesting. It's quite... It's, like, slow and chuggy and i think in a way why i've chosen it is the same sort of reason possibly i've chosen well

not with trump but i have a real aversion to being told that you should like something you know i don't i hate being told well this is great everyone likes that it kind of irritates me it was like when i was being to a band and then if the band got big that would actually really irritate me i wanted them to be my band so i'm just being a selfish dick really but um i just i don't like i don't like being part of a group really which is in a way it's going to suit me fine on the island you know fair enough i think you've made a very good case for it now uh don finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? See, this is really

tricky because just animals are my favourite thing, man. I'm really into them. No, I've really, you know, I've got two Labradors sitting behind me on the sofa. Am I right that you have a pet pig? Is that right? I have three pet pigs, yeah. I rescued three pet pigs. Wilbur, who turned out to be a

wild boar, and actually gashed my thigh open live on a tv interview which was a moment where I thought maybe Wilbur needs a new home and I sent him off to a place to a place called pigs in heaven which is a genuinely fantastic pig sanctuary but when I told my kids that my pig had gone to pigs in heaven they thought fuck he's killed him what happened you know and then I had two other pigs uh one was called Stanley because he'd been found wandering uh the streets of Accrington Stanley at about seven in the morning and he'd been really badly treated so uh he was such a sweet pig and still is so I look after him and then uh Sir Francis Bacon which you, the name just made me laugh.

But no, so I was very fond of my pigs and stuff. And I love, I really genuinely, I'm kind of, I did a walk across from Belgrade to Istanbul for a TV show recently. And it was about religion. It was about pilgrimage. And I'm a complete atheist. And it was quite funny because everyone else was going on about their religions. And I was just picking up every stray dog on the way and stuff.

So I am ridiculously obsessed with dogs and animals. And it would worry me on the islands. It did when I went on the island because they released a pig and a turkey on the island. And I knew those things weren't on the island normally so that we could hunt them. And, of course, luckily we were too shit to catch them, which was fantastic. But then on the last day there was a not even an alligator it was i can't remember the name of it but a sort of mini alligator it's about that what yes it was a caiman i mean a caiman honestly it's like a fucking lizard but uh someone hinted to us from the crew that there was a caiman there so someone

from maiden chelsea whose name escapes me really wanted to show that he wasn't from Maiden Chelsea, so went and stabbed this thing in the head. It just drove me nuts. But having said that, I eat meat, so it's confusing. So anyway, it's a cat. Fucking cats. Because I love all animals, and I do like cats, but I just, I kind of like, you see, I love cats, but it can't be disputed that cats are dicks.

You know, like dogs just follow you around all the time whatever you're doing they're just going you are fucking brilliant yeah i don't know what you're doing but i love it it's just amazing you know i'll just i'll be sitting on the bog dog will come out and go fucking hell that is so cool i just love what you're doing cat just because you're a cunt that's all they do just you're a cunt and they'll remind you of that and i suppose it's because cats speak the truth, really. Like, dogs are the friends you want, but you kind of know they're a bit stupid

because you've managed to fool them into thinking that you're cool. Whereas cats will just see right through you. And then they'll become wankers only when they're being fed. They'll suddenly go, hey, you good? Oh, you're great. You're going to let them fuck off? Yeah, all right, just give me some food and I'll fuck off. I kind of, I really love cats, but cats are total fucking dicks yeah absolutely and um i have a cat

as i said often when i'm recording this podcast he's sitting next to me asleep so and he's just going you're shit no one's gonna listen to this yeah but i think you know like if if you had a really bad day you know that like you come home and your dog's just like, it feels like he's never seen you. You know, he's so happy to see you. The cat is literally like, what the fuck are you doing back? Yeah. Yeah. My cat is, you know, I've had him for eight years since he was a kitten.

And still, sometimes I go and I go up to go and pick him up. And it's like I'm attacking him. And I'm worried sometimes the neighbours will see me kind of run towards him. And he'll just like, as if, as if like I'm about to murder him or something I'm like I've raised you from a kitten your family don't be a dick and yeah so he is a dick you know if cats could use telephones which they probably can they dub you in constantly to the police yeah you know that child child molestation thing I think it's him i'll be honest with you he's a wrong and but i part of me despises my dogs because they've hit my weakness like i just want to be loved and told i'm brilliant

and my dogs are like oh this is a piece of piss and also they believe it as well which is kind of sweet they're like guppy fish they've kind of they have a five second memory loop so even if you do something stupid they've totally forgotten whereas a cat will remember something you did seven years ago yeah yeah i mean maybe i should get done i'm not a huge what's your cat called uh hercules well that's a good from uh elton john do you know what it was because me and my wife once had a conversation about what ridiculous names we could call a child and we're thinking of really pretentious silly names like agamemnon yeah and then we went hercules then we both got really into the idea of having a child called hercules but we knew it was stupid so we thought well we'll name the cat hercules and then our future

children will be safe isn't that weird because like alex from blur the basis of blur he called his kid geronimo which is you know if i'm straight away if i was at school geronimo would be like wedgie time you know yeah but weirdly I called my daughter after a cat. So I went to some friend's place in Stoke Newington, obviously. So they were kind of, you know, pretty cool. And they had a cat called Parker. And I just thought, fuck, that's such a cool name. And so when I had my daughter Parker, I called her Parker Jolly.

And I had a lot of issues with that. Like people were like, like oh who's she named after I go oh Charlie Parker Dorothy Parker Parker from Thunderbirds but the worst thing was about two weeks into her being after she was born and we had some cockney builders in which isn't a euphemism and uh the cockney builders were chatting away and they looked at Parker and they go what's her name I go Parker he goes Parker Jolly go yeah they all started laughing i go why and they go well you know what we do if we park a jolly go now he goes well we're going to have a shit don't we and i was like fuck have i named my kid after a cat and the cat did it on purpose but actually

i think they were taking the piss because i've never heard that term again yeah but no yeah my favorite cat name is um is uh david Baddiel's cat. It was called Chairman Meow, which I thought was very good. Yeah. On the other end of things, not a clever name for a cat, but a friend of mine had a cat called Stuart, which I thought really fitted him because he was

kind of a big old ginger cat that didn't really give a fuck. I'm a massive fan of names like Dave and Steve and stuff. Of course, he's probably doing Al Stewart, who I now call Year of the Cat, by being a bit of a muso there, but yeah. Well, this is probably, I might have to cut this out

in case I'm boring listeners, but our cat has three names because I also thought it'd be funny to have a cat called Christopher. So we gave him that name. I like that. The family we got him off were a Muslim family. And so we thought, well, we could call him Yusuf as well because, you know, Cat Stevens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yusuf Islam. So he's got a selection, you know. Anyway, that's my cat life story for you and the listeners. No, I enjoyed that very much. Good. Okay, well, Dom, that's it. So thank you.

You've done brilliantly creating a horrible place to spend your remaining days and beautifully done off the cuff as well. I'm really annoyed now because I should have. I should have because I'm going to it's going to be like if I ever was on Desert Island Discs, I'm going to kind of go, oh, I should have chosen. So whatever. But I kind of felt it should come. There were some obvious people that I've decided because I'm old enough now that I really want to be rude about. And they know who they are because they've blocked me on Twitter but um but yeah there you go yeah well I think it's great and I hope you had a nice time doing it and um Dom where's the best place to sort of keep up to date with what you're up to at the minute uh well probably well it depends if you want to be rude to me Twitter uh at Dom Jolly or if you want to just see nice photographs of my dogs and like be a bit

more mellow then at the real dom at real dom jolly on instagram and of course jolly is one l i had someone asked me the other day dumb jolly is that your real name okay yeah because i decided to be a comedian and mr tickle was taken so i thought i know i'll call myself mr jolly but spell it wrong i mean come on so yeah fair enough well thank you very much for joining us on desert island dicks today cheers for that cheers