Desert Island Dicks - DRUNK WOMEN SOLVING CRIME

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

Hosts of Drunk Women Solving Crime podcast; Taylor Gleen, Catie Wilkins and Hannah George join Dan to share who and what they'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features Hannah, Katie, and Taylor from the Drunk Women Solving Crime podcast, Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks.

This episode features Hannah, Katie and Taylor from the Drunk Women Solving Crime podcast. And they're all very funny, as you'd imagine. I think it's a record for the most people on a Desert Island Dicks podcast. So we've had to adapt the rules very slightly. But I don't think there's any reason to get bogged down in that. Just enjoy the show. Remember, if you do like the podcast, please like and subscribe. Or even leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. And now, here are drunk women solving crime on Desert Island Dicks.

Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus, and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today, from the Drunk Women Solving Crime podcast, Taylor Glenn, Hannah George and Katie Wilkins. Hello. Hey!

Thank you all for joining me today i'm like we have to we have to take it in turns to talk because like the magic bar from zoom i think we'll work it out eventually we'll muddle through it's like a talking stick you know like you have to pass the stick and anyone with a stick is the one that's allowed to talk yeah yeah i was gonna say absolute pleasure but i like how absolute just sort of hung in the air like it's an absolute fucking something who knows we'll see one day when this is the only way we communicate it will be comedians going hey remember back then when you didn't know who used to speak

first in zoom meetings oh my god it will it will but you remember the first time you used zoom how how awkward was that oh no this is going to be like the my space of communication we'll be like zoom wow geez yeah because it'll have like vr and we'll pretend we're touching each other oh this is real this is not even funny it's just real very real well we'll muddle through somehow i think i mean this is the most uh guests we've ever had on at once uh on desert island dick so um we're going to change the format slightly by um i think we're all going to choose one dick each first and then we're going to sort of decide between us what the others will be in no way related to a popular bbc format that we won't mention but how did you guys find uh choosing like whittling down your choices i found it quite quite difficult i think because i'm sort

of like someone once described me as pathologically positive so i find it difficult to like um he was a miserable cunt so it's kind of you know it's like different horses but like no he wasn't he won't listen to it he's lovely but anyway the point is I did find it kind of hard like trying to just think of things that I hated um yeah but I got there I did it well you guys know because I'm like, I've done mine. And I sent them over. I did it so fast. It's terrible because during the lockdown, like, I've been practicing gratitude. Like, I'm so shit at it that I have to practice it. And, yeah, complaining just comes so easily to me.

So I'm like, yep, yep, yep. Didn't even, yep, very quick. Yeah, I'm more similar to Taylor. I had trouble narrowing it down. It was a long old list. I guess I'm just a great person or something. Yeah, you're so, you're pathologically positive, Hannah. It was you that said it.

Oh, shit, I'm sorry what I said about you. Can we call you PP now? It tends to fall into two camps. Either it's hard because you're a nice person or it's hard because there's so many people and things that you hate. I mean, I'm definitely in the latter camp of finding it difficult to whittle things down. So, you know, it's fine. It's all fine.

Also, the other thing, I mean, is anyone drunk for tonight's recording? Oh, I'm very much working. Look at that. My drink is so drunk it carried its coaster with it that makes me look great i'm on the beer having a beer i'm not hammered or anything i have a mug it who knows what's in it yeah good okay well let's just dive right in um who wants to pick your first uh dick for the island no one no one no one wants to go first i was afraid of going absolute i mean i've got do you want my long list on my short list well i thought we'd do um for the people we could put you could choose one each yes okay i will go i'm happy to go sure okay taylor

right um this came very quickly and with very little guilt uh it's Gwyneth Paltrow and look it might not be for the same reasons that somebody else would pick have you ever had somebody picker I haven't listened to all the episodes um I'm not sure I I'm always meaning to start a spreadsheet of everyone who's ever been picked but I did I started and I got about five episodes in and realized it was gonna take a long time and yeah i might need to hire someone to do it for me that would be good pr though the most hated person it's definitely pierce morgan oh okay right i will start with the first line of her imdb page which says a tall wafer thin delicate beauty um that's not a person that's

like a fucking brandy snack you know i don't want and that's not her fault according to this she didn't write that but i don't know sounds like she signed it off at least yeah she could get it taken down if she wanted right this is complicated like you don't want to just eviscerate somebody because i actually loved her as an actress um like there's a lot of films she's been in that i really like so it's not like i have a personal vendetta against her and her career it's that to be on an island with her in her current form i think would just be the greatest nightmare because she i mean oh i can just hear her voice she'd be like right i know all of the plants we need to pick you're gonna put them in various orifices and we're gonna be fine like she would be she would be more positive than you hannah george she would just be so and you know how much like stuff i put in my vagina

so my god exactly you know what i'm not even that what's funny is different things happen with goop obviously she runs this huge empire which describes itself as cutting edge well-being which i guess is the word for pseudoscience um so that kind of annoys me because i feel like she actually gives dangerous advice and yeah to people that have a lot of money so it's kind of like okay a fool is parted their money but she charges so much money for these really dubious yeah treatments and there's something about the smugness of it it It's like I have cracked how to live. And I don't like anybody that's that sure of life. I just don't trust that.

Also, if they're like a millionaire as well, it's like, you know, I have a hundred million pounds and I'm actually very happy. Yes. Of course you fucking are. Yeah, the secret is you need a hundred million pounds. Yeah, help make me wealthier and my skin will look even better tomorrow. Because I'm going to be sleeping pretty well. Sucking your blood.

Yeah, I just feel like in the island setting, she'd be glowing. She'd be in better shape. Because I know I'd give in. I'd be like, fine, Gwyneth, let's run up the mountain. Because I'm on a mountainous island in this scenario. Yeah, there's going to be a mountain, right? Yeah. And that's where you have to acknowledge, like,

anytime you're angry at somebody, you have to go, well, what is it in me? And I think it's because I fall short of everything that she's able to stand for and do. You know, she's just, man. But I think with her, it's a sort of almost an aggressive positivity and that like you know every time you were feeling anxious or like worried on the island she gave you one of her mantras to chant to help you and she'd sort of lay a gentle hand on your

shoulder and be like when i feel like this i just recite my mantra i think that's how she'd say and it would be kind of and that would be sort of because of your shortcomings you know your and be like, when I feel like this, I just recite my mantra. I think that's how she'd say it. She'd say mantra. And it would be kind of, and that would be sort of because of your shortcomings. You know, you're stressed because of you being a worse person than she is. You know, it's competitive. Absolutely. And I don't care what she says.

She'd say, are you feeling depressed about being here? Let me just ask you a question. Did you eat meat before we ended up here? Well. You know what, though? Part of me would actually quite like to see her demise on a desert island be like there's nothing organic now gwyneth what are you gonna do you're gonna have to eat some of that rat that we just killed but isn't that completely organic maybe everything's yeah that's true and would she eat the rat if i killed the rat and i

roasted it i marinated it let's say i know how to cook a good rat. I'm not saying I do or I don't. Is she going to eat it or is she going to be like, no, I don't touch rats? Did you see that episode of like the, I think it was called The Island or something with Bear Grylls. And there was this guy on it. It was a celebrity one. And there was like a wild boar or something. And the wild boar, they were going to catch it and eat it because that was the kind of idea. It was to survive.

But he was a vegetarian. He thought no one should be doing that because it's cruel. But they caught it and then they decided they weren't going to eat it, despite the fact they were all starving because he didn't want it. He didn't want to do it. And then so they sort of like, so he sort of tied him up and sort of like tied him to a pole and they were going to sort of keep him as a pet. And the next day the boar had like strangled itself with the rope.

And it was one of those things and it's not funny because it's cruel to animals which i do not like like but it was one of the i mean the irony but also that sort of that like oh let's not kill it because i'm a vegetarian so i want to keep it as a pet so so it's what you don't just let it run wild and be free so like you're not going to eat it but it's not free anymore and then because of your stupid not tying yeah now you've you've snared it yeah yeah i mean i i mean i only saw it via goggle box but all i know is that it was like oh i mean it shouldn't be funny the reality show compromise oh my goodness yeah goodness. Yeah. So, yeah, Gwyneth is mine. Okay, strong contender.

I think also she'd sort of, there'd be lots of kind of, I don't know, like, well, my Ayurvedic yogi used to tell me this. There'd be a lot of kind of anecdotal stuff, I think. So many anecdotes. Yeah, there'd be one-upmanship all the time. Bad to eat as well if you had to kill her and eat her. Probably not much meat on those bones. Quite tough and sinewy, I imagine.

No, like I said, wafer thin and delicate. Not what I look for with cannibalism. Also, I'm going to put this out here. I want to have sex with whoever I'm on an island with, and there's just no attraction there. She's just not... I'm going to have sex with whoever I'm on an island with. And I just, there's just no attraction there. She's just not, she's not, I'm going to really struggle with that unless we ferment a liquid and I get

really drunk. But even then, like, if she's going to be all judgy, cause one quote, this is what pushed me over the edge with her. It wasn't even goop that I read an article about her and she said, you know,

I'm not perfect every once in a while at a party, I'll have a cigarette. And I was was just like fuck you and your family i'm so upset about that like that's your big oh you know because you know what you're saying when you answer a question like that yeah that's sort of one step from theresa may's i'm naughty because i ran through a wheat field so yeah that is a field of wheat, Vice. Yeah. It really is. That's why I've killed the man with my bare hands, in case that question comes up. Because I just think it makes me dangerous.

Hannah's got a good answer to that question. Right. Well, at least you didn't tie him up and keep him as a pet. I mean, at least you had the courage of your convictions. And he hung himself with his despair. OK, so Gwyneth Paltrow is on the island. Anything else before we move on? On Gwyneth Paltrow, I the island anything else before we move on on Gwyneth Paltrow I mean no because this has just been horribly I used to be a therapist so there's a part of me

going like you know this is all about you and you hate yourself like I know what's behind this it's very confronting and I sound very bitter but it felt good all the same yeah okay well we'll let you off the hook then but Gwyneth Paltrow is uh joining you there and uh who who is going next do you want to go next Hannah or me um you go Katie okay here's who I'm not doing the UKIP lady in my village enough said um I'm not doing my children and that is partly because I want them to have long, happy lives away from the island where everything's terrible. But also because I can't think of anything worse. You're already stuck on an island and you have to keep two tiny things alive that keep running into the sea. No, thank you.

So anyway, I can only pick one. So the person that I've picked is Louis Theroux. Interesting. Interesting. And I should say, it's not the best reason to pick him, but it kind of is. I've got a mild story about him. Okay.

And I met him once, and basically his crime is that he interrupted me three times. So it's not, it's not like that. It's not like that bad. He's not done anything that wrong. Katie, if I can just cut across you. Yeah. You know what? He didn't even say that. He didn't even say that he didn't even say that what it was was I went to this party and he was talking to my husband and I was there so he was kind of talking to both of us and in the space of this maybe 15 minute 20 minute conversation that there was a natural lull in the conversation three separate times and I went to it's like well they've been talking a lot I haven't got to say anything oh I've got a really interesting counterpoint to that thing one of them just said

I know I'll chip in with it guys love it when women talk right and then um so I would there'd be the lull I'd go to fill it I'd go oh yeah actually that's like and he would just talk across me like just cut over me it was like I was invisible it was like I was in a writer's room but it wasn't a writer's room it was a party I was allowed to be there and talk and everything and so three separate times he just I talked across me and I actually felt quite sad and then I also I should say for balance my when I brought this to my husband's attention on the way home um that i was displeased with with it um he said that um in louis theroux's defense i talk really

quietly so it could all be a terrible misunderstanding and he didn't hear me or know that i was talking but um it felt like he thought I wasn't worth shit and he didn't want to listen to me. So are you just picturing a lifetime of trying to say anything on the island, but you know, it's... Is that the nightmare? Yeah, I'd be like, hey, I know how to build a canoe. Nope, nope.

One of my worst... I mean, I'm terrible for talking over people, so I'm just terrified right now. I'm so bad. That and the combination of a zoom chat where no one knows who to speak next i'm like i'm so on edge well if it's any consolation my cat is now um really being a right louis theroux in the background. I think Louis Theroux, I mean, he's, he's, wow. I can't get, can I go and stop my cat meowing? I think he just wants to know where I am. Hang on, sorry. This is great.

Also, I was there. I was there in this conversation. Katie always forgets, so I might not bring it up. But I was there in the conversation with Louis Theroux and Rich. You were? I was there. I was at a party and I was in this conversation. Katie always forgets, so I might not bring it up. But I was there in the conversation with Louis Theroux and Rich. You were? I was there. I was at a party and I was in the conversation. She's told this story before and you never, you're never there.

No, I did. I say it every time, but she always forgets I was there, so I'm not going to say anything. This is great. I love that she's gone and you've provided new information. I will say this now. I'm not going to say a bad word about him i will not partake because his kid goes to the same school as mine and i don't want drop-offs to be awkward so he's great

i love love his work i feel like i shouldn't have picked such a beloved person um hannah are we allowed to just share what you just shared with us oh yeah i was at that party i was in that conversation did you remember what i'm sure we've talked about it before and i was there because i was i was staying at your house and it was peter serafinowitz's book launch oh my god yeah so i was there and like you weren't talking like quietly like you were just talking in your lady voice which is a voice oh we have a witness then oh my god so he properly interrupted me well i think it was just one of those i remember what it was we were all talking about jimmy saville and i think people were just getting so

like it was that's what the conversation was about because i remember it and everyone was getting quite passionate about their opinions on jimmy saville because it just all taken off but i totally agree that i noticed as well a few times but it was everyone in that conversation was okay cutting over you but um so that's me just basically shitting on Rich as well I didn't mean that but anyway probably won't use this but no no it was um but yeah no I did notice in that conversation that yeah that you were talked over quite a lot interesting okay So I was just like the lowest ranked one to talk about Jimmy Savile. And Hannah, so you were in conversational hierarchy then.

You were even one notch down below Katie there. I can't remember saying, well, I have no opinions on Jimmy Savile. I think he's great. I think as someone on the island as well, Louis Theroux, just because of his very nature, like, you know, he has that very gentle probing that he does.

And I just feel like by the end, you just accidentally share so much with him as well. He'd be quite a dangerous person on the island because you'd be constantly kind of, oh, shit, why did I tell him all of that about my part? Oh, fuck, he just kept looking keenly interested and yeah i mean obviously not in you katie but but yeah i think he could be quite a quite a tricky like he'd probably be the one that everyone told everything to and then he'd sort of become all powerful. Yeah, the little puppet master. Like shits there, all the vulnerable people on the island. And if you did get annoyed with him, obviously everyone goes,

Louis Theroux, everyone loves Louis Theroux. What are you talking about? You can't get Louis Theroux. Exactly, he's beloved. He's not a smug puppet master. There is that vibe about him, though. Anyone who sort of seems that universally liked you do sort of wonder like what you know if he scratched the surface you know what what is below that

yeah is he a complete psychopath no he doesn't give it away he doesn't give anything away he doesn't he just he just won't talk to you and you'd all be around the campfire he's just one step back just sort of looking on yeah with his wry eye observing the campfire that's the thing if he did listen to you and he used his techniques it would it would be a terrible scenario for that because even if he listened to you like can you make a canoe you know like you do the little dry smile and you start to doubt yourself really where did you learn this honestly like after that i just thought oh i i just won't i won't try and join in like i'm not wanted it did affect me like a little bit really well yeah just because it's like there's no point it's like and

obviously it sounds ridiculous it's like guys superstar louis theroux wasn't interested in anything i had to say even though though he'd never met me before. Why would he ever want to hear me talk? If you've been affected by the presenter of this programme. Yeah, but I just like, I was just like, oh, OK, I won't. I'll just talk to my friends. I won't try and talk to anyone else. Well, he's never been on this podcast and you have. So our listeners are interested in what you've got to say.

And I can't say they wouldn't be interested in hearing what Louis Theroux had to say, but he's not replying to any emails we've sent. So now you have the upper hand. Yes. OK, so Louis Theroux goes on the island. And Hannah, what about your choice? Do you know what? After all the kind of real people we've had now, I like literally I wrote down people that call holidays holly bobs

i found it really difficult to find a person because um i don't know i think i'd rather have company on the island than no one at all which i think maybe people are finding in this situation we found ourselves in now like i kind of think I'd much rather just have someone there, but not if they call a holiday Hollybobs. Yeah, they'd be sitting around the campfire going, wow, it's a bit like a Hollybobs. Yeah, the amount of times they'd have the opportunity to say Hollybobs. Yeah. But also at the same time, I'm kind of like, they're just trying to enjoy their holiday, Hannah, leave them alone. So like they're just trying to enjoy their holiday hannah leave them alone so like they're doing it wrong yeah is that i have i've heard it a few times but not a lot is it a is it a posh expression or is it just an annoying expression like who's more who's

most likely to say holly bubs profile it i'd say it's very much in the sort of live laugh love you know gin o'clock sort of school yes yes nice description you know yeah it's it's not really i don't think it's class based it's more it's more sort of subtype lifestyle choice okay okay it's a laugh gotcha but i don't know i mean i'd always sort of group it in with like maybe saying Glasto and Crimbo as well. And Hubby instead of Cousins. Yes, that's the other one. That's the other one. Because I was thinking that because, you know, I'm engaged at the moment.

I mean, like, as in we'll then get married. You know, I was thinking, no, I won't be calling him Hubby. I'll call him Mr. Williams and that'll be it. I will not. I will be very formal. Very formal. But, you know, it's kind of, yeah, definitely hubby or hubbage. Hubbage.

I've never heard that. No, hubbage is awful. Yeah, it's like cabbage. Very much like cabbage. Learn some new words. Yeah. I mean, we all get excited by holidays, maybe less once you've had children.

But, I mean, just holly bobs. I mean, you all get excited by holidays, maybe less once you've had children. But I mean, just holly bobs. I mean, you're still a grown up. You can like a holiday and be excited without going into sort of child speak. Yes. You know, just. Yes, it's infantilising. And if someone says that, you kind of think, what are you going to be like on this fucking holiday? You know, it's too much.

Because holidays are good things anyway, so you don't need to sort of sex up that word. You don't need to make it any more fun than it is. Yeah. Because it's a holiday. That's great. You don't have to make it more charming. Yeah. It's true.

I feel like the more you say it, the worse your holidays are too. Like, there's got to be a correlation, you know? Yeah. Well, you're already an awful person, so, I mean, it's probably going to be a correlation, you know? Yeah. Well, you're already an awful person. So, I mean, it's probably going to be a bad holiday. I mean, unless you like saying Hollybobs, in which case, you know, it's probably the holiday for you. But I mean, if like us, you detest it.

Yeah. Do you know what? More power to you. I feel, yeah, I feel like if that's your thing, that's fine because I went on holiday with my friend and she called it Hollybobs and she's adorable. So I was just like no you can say it so you know maybe i've not got a hard so you have exceptions yeah maybe someone i didn't like said it once and i'm like oh fuck those people no i think fuck those people i don't think you should let them get off the hook with this i think it sounds more like the sort of pet name that someone would call their child if their child

was called holly they might go come on holly bobs into the volvo you know it's that sort of right thing rather than actually a holiday you know then i think it would be acceptable if it was just a guy in green wellies saying that you know so it turns out i just hate someone's child rather than i hate holly bobs she's misheard one time and like poor polly it only takes that one person though isn't that interesting i feel the same way about people called chad and there's only been one bad chad maybe a couple a couple bad chads there's a lot of chads in the u.s that's why i moved here a lot of chads a lot of michaels a lot of michaels yeah more than here okay i'm basing this on this one class i did at uni and everyone in the class was american men apart from me i

think it was some politics class but i can't remember what it was and so they were like 12 american men and i was gonna make such an off-color joke and i'm glad that i did not there were 12 american men and 10 of them were called michael whoa wow seriously one of them was called duane and one of them was called some, it was another name beginning with D though. And I'm not joking. That's hilarious. You were with the Michaels. Yeah. That's good. A lot of Michaels. Yeah. There's loads of those. Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson. Oh, well there you go. They're all called Michael. Case in point. All the Mike. Holly Bob. You know, if that could take off in the u.s that's

one of those things that'd be like this is great guys holly bobs like that will take that'll be that'll spread like wildfire and also if americans do it it feels like it might be something mary poppins would say and like it would be like oh americans think british people talk like this and it would kind of be less annoying than a British person. Oh, God. Imagining now Mary Poppins saying it, I'm all for it. Like I'd go on Hollybobs and Mary Poppins immediately, mostly because she'd like tidy up after me, which would be amazing. But otherwise, yeah, there is there's there's a grey area with it, I think. I don't know. I think maybe Mary Popppins she wouldn't stand for that kind of nonsense i don't know i'd like to think she'd be sort of you know there's that sort of

slightly other side of her that you know yeah she she had a strict side you know but americans discovering the word holly bobs it just feels like it's all over for us ever having any respect ever again and it's sort of i mean we're probably past that point anyway but it's like you know when you kind of think, the Bake Off's really popular there, and you think, oh, no, that's what you think we're like now. Oh, God. And someone on Bake Off has said Holly Bob's,

so it's probably already started. It probably has. It's already, the Holly Bob's pandemic is live. Let's start the hashtag, American Holly Bob's. There's no PPE for this. Is that your new, like, go-to catchphrase i love that oh man i love that they love fake off though see i could go on a huge tangent i shouldn't we have lots to cover yeah okay well we have we have our dicks on the island and mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over

unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? And for this, we're going to see how this works. It might not work at all. We're going to sort of hear each of your choices, and then we're going to see if we can, as a group, pick the worst one. If that works, okay. Taylor, should we start with you again sure so food

and drink um let's should we go for all the foods first and then let's do all the foods because i had a side dish i wasn't sure if that was allowed um very into my food so this came quickly as well so mine is a really bland like badly made cottage pie pie with a side of cold pasta salad that has a sweet dressing on it. That is good. That is a good, terrible dish. Talk us through. I mean, it's obvious why that's a bad dish, but just talk us through your thinking. There's no pleasure.

Anything with layers should be the most pleasurable food. I love layers. The more layers, the most pleasurable food i love layers i the more layers the better but they should have layers you're quadrupling the flavor sensations absolutely think of a beautiful lasagna think of a beautiful cake layers the idea of three is it three layers it's just two layers it's two pitiful layers unless you have a layer of cheese which i like to which makes it better. Don't upgrade it though. Cause then I start going, yeah, not so bad.

Yeah. No cheese. There's no cheese. It's like under seasoned mash. That's like spackle. You know, it's like you could fill your walls with this. It's under seasoned altogether and it's like lukewarm. There's big chunks of undercooked carrot in it so

it just has that sense of like it's potato covering thick you know and it just feels like the parts of meat that got steamed off the car absolutely this horrible gray gristle it is depression in an 8x12 pyrex dish. I'm changing my answer to Taylor's. I was just going to say, like, chewy meat from school dinners, but this is like a bad school dinner. Yours can be incorporated into Taylor's. Such crossover. Yeah, yeah.

My father-in-law is Chinese, and for him, one of the worst things he could eat from Western cuisine is a shepherd's pie or a cottage pie. He doesn't get it at all. For him, he's like of the worst things he could eat from Western cuisine is a shepherd's pie or cottage pie. He just he doesn't get it at all for him. He's like, because, you know, they're used to sort of eating multiple dishes on one table, you know, loads of different things. And he's like, you've put it all in one thing. And there's no, you know, and they're really big on different textures, which can be a sort of pro or a con, frankly. But, you know, he's like, it's one texture, one dish.

What the fuck are you people playing at like and it seems like such an innocuous thing to be angry about i hate it i love him it's so spot on he's so spot on yeah i know what you mean about textures though like sometimes if i have a meal that's entirely mush i'll have a packet of crisps with it like that's just that's not different textures in your food is it That's just being a greedy bitch. But, you know, the cottage pie, yeah, you need to either have that layer of cheese on top that's so crispy you break through it. And cottage pie, I'm making sure I'm getting this right,

because I would prefer a shepherd's pie, because that's lamb, and that's at least more, like, flavoursome, right? But this is, like... Yeah, lamb is more flavoursome than beef. This is just that beef. Yeah. but this is like yeah lamb is more flavors just that beef yeah putting a sort of a pasta salad on the side as well it's like when you get sort of yeah a lasagna and chips or that sort of thing it's that carb and carb with a sweet dressing as well i mean just nailing it yeah it's a big

it's not as big here unless you get it like individual like tesco will sell it with a sad little plastic fork and that makes it even worse but it's a huge thing at like american pickness it's like the pasta salad who brought the pasta salad and it's just always like is it a dessert what what is happening it's slimy i think every time someone says pasta salad someone turns in a grave in Italy don't they things that aren't meant to happen yes okay well you've made a very strong case for it you've already convinced Katie yeah um Hannah it's all on you take the floor do you know what olives that's uh that's what I'm bringing to this table oh Oh, I can't vote for that, Hannah. Oh, guys.

Oh, shit. First hurdle. They hit me out. They're like, they're disgusting bitter grapes, aren't they, really? They're just awful. And they're always sort of like, they're always hiding in something. Like, I'll have a pizza, I'll bite into it and be like, what's that disgusting taste? It's an olive.

And yeah. I think it's the mischievous nature of them that you do. It's the confidence. I don't like it. they're like the incels of the snack world they're the intel grapes um and also like so my grandmother is called well was called olive and i think olive is such a beautiful name and if i had a child i like the name olive but i fucking hate olives and that puts me in a position of can i name a child after something I hate my grandma what if you call the child Olivia um yeah I'm not sure I think olives nicer but olives are disgusting I mean I like them now but it took me until the age of I think 35 before i liked them and that was like every time

they were around i'd try them kind of thing because i like everything in that world everything on the deli counter i'm very middle class i'm all over the artichokes and the antipasti that's you know i love it but and every time i go god just maybe this time and then slowly and now i really like them but i just how can you trust something if it took you that long to come around I mean that's like that's not sort of an acquired taste that's just being battered into submission isn't it I mean supposedly you only have to try something

10 times for your taste buds on your tongue to get used to it I definitely tried it more than that is that what Rich told you sorry Rich told you. Sorry. The other thing is, like, now, because my son, he's three and he bloody loves olives. And I have two ways it's really annoying. Because one is, like, it just seems like this awfully precocious middle class thing.

You know, because he's a three-year-old going, dad, dad, I want the olives. Like, more than chocolate. And, I mean, you know if you're in the mediterranean that's probably completely normal but you know here it's you just seem it just makes me look like a prick i'm only nodding because i can relate not because i'm like yes it does yeah and and and the other thing is now that i do like olives i can't eat them all because i've got to save some for him so i don't even get to enjoy them now that I do like olives, I can't eat them all because I've got to save some for him. So I don't even get to enjoy them now that I like them. And now he bloody loves capers as well. There's a new thing.

Daddy, daddy, have you got capers? He's a salty guy. He likes salt. It's very problematic. Do you get him like a huge olive at Easter? Yeah. Yeah, we do a little olive hunt. Yes, they're in the fridge because of course they are i can relate so much on the like the middle class embarrassment of what your kids like and it's it's it's no surprise because it's

like you know you're letting them try all these kinds of food. But one time on the overground, I asked my kid who was four at the time, what do you want for dinner? And as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I was like, fuck. And she said, she just looked up at me and went sea bass and Sam file. And I was like,

I wanted to punch my face. I was like, next time say dairy, Lee sandwiches. Don't ever say that in public. But again, I think the setting has so much to do with it. You know, like in France, you know, they're all eating pastries for breakfast. But the second your kid goes, Daddy, I want a pan of chocolate.

You know, it's just, I don't know. But yeah, he's an anti-pasty junkie. What can I say? That's so cute though. It sort of is, but as I say, it means he eats all the good stuff as well. And I have to save it. I can't eat all the nice things.

So I have to buy like not the expensive olives. And then when I do want olives, I haven't got good ones because he goes through them too quickly. It's just that fish is so good. He's on the griddle to loomy. You've got nothing left. I feel like I'm not gonna win this one I've said I hate olives and everyone's going oh my god do you know who loves olives it's everyone it's I will say of all things I totally understand it and I've I've liked them since I was really

little but they are very strong. Like they're very distinct. So I totally get why you wouldn't. I respect you, Hannah George. Okay, well, it looks like the cottage pie and pasta salad has taken it on this round, unfortunately. But Hannah, why don't you lead with the drink? What's your drink choice? I don't think I'm going to win on this one either because I hate coffee. Oh.

Okay. Yeah. So I've never drunk a full cup of coffee in my life. Really? I've tried several times. I've tried it. Maybe I'll hit 35 and I'll be the coffee gal. But right now, I can't be doing it.

Again, it's just bitter. Maybe I just don't like bitter taste. Yeah. Those are both very bitter. Do you like artichokes? Now I'm going to analyze your palate. That's not what this show is. Not an artichoke gal.

Okay, it's bitterness. Okay. Because you're so positive. Oh, my God. This is amazing. We're logical. Whereas I can fucking house all those things I just listed. Oh, my God. imagine if that was the

reason that some people like olives like we've just got real darkness in us and that's why we can handle olives but hannah's just too pure and childlike and she can't handle them i mean it makes sense why i like them more as i get older and more bitter but i mean i mean it's a bad outlook for my three-year-old son isn't it yeah that's yeah that's damning but there is something quite like and that's the other thing about coffee I think is that there's something quite cool about oh do you want to come in for a coffee that kind of sexy kind of coffee sexy thing whereas like a cup of tea that's not a kind of sexy thing but also I drink probably nine to ten cups of tea a day and if I was into coffee I'd probably do that with coffee and I would be so like more annoying so

I'm pleased that I don't like coffee okay I find my issue with coffee is it's a bit like a cocktail in that you know you there's a there's a sort of anticipation about it and you're paying a little bit extra than you would for another drink so you want it to be perfect every time and when it's not you've got quite a strong crap thing to get through that isn't the thing you wanted you know it's like if you're really hung over and you want a bloody mary and they fuck it up and you've just got this crap warm tomato drink when you know what it could be and there's loads of times like when i i've sort of just sacked off coffee now because i had too many annoying experiences where i paid three pounds

70 and it wasn't that good especially when you're like when they lead you down the garden path and you're like right he's got a massive beard there's a fucking bicycle on the wall of this place this has got to be good and then it's still shit and you're like this is so annoying like i wish i did have a drink now like a proper drink now because you know at least it's even if it's shit it's still booze yeah i trusted your bike on the wall damn it hannah i love the taste of coffee but i did give it up about two years ago so this could be this could be a good one because i it really makes me feel ill and sends me loopy so this could be i don't want to be that way around Gwyneth i do remember a couple of days ago we had my phone kept vibrating and then i looked at it and the last text i saw was from you saying i've

had a coffee i'm so like you just went batshit because you'd had too much caffeine i'm really sensitive yeah i'm really sensitive so yeah that's a good i'm it's strangely good but oh coffee ice cream oh yeah well i think you'd like be allowed to have that that i mean that's that's not the drink so i think you'd be allowed to have it as a flavor i think that's fine um katie you didn't really get in on the food around there so what's what's going to be your drink well my drink would probably be i mean we don't have much use for coffee i would say on a desert island um but my drink that i never want to drink again is and wouldn't be useful on a desert island as well

is a little cocktail that i made myself uh when i was 15 where I poured vodka into a can of cider that I was drinking and then necked it in a car park outside a pub not a street corner I'm classy at least you're near a pub when I was 15 I should say um and then I was sick in my dad's car later on that night. And I still haven't drunk cider since then. And also when I was drinking cider when I was 15, because I'd had other drinks leading up to this, like it was really like the shit cheap drink. It was before cider had its renaissance. So you could go to this corner shop that thought I was older than I was

because I was tall and buy four cans of white lightning or whatever the hell it was for like a pound a tin and you could get wrecked on four pounds and it was really cheap and everyone looked down on you but it was great but like then i went to uni and suddenly everyone's like oh pear cider oh everyone likes this now and it was like this great drink that was really fashionable and it was what everyone wanted and it like really brought everyone together because like people that drank Bacardi would drink cider all of a sudden um and I would you gather them around like a war vet like I need to tell you about the night of Russian lightning and you'll never touch it again you don't know you weren't there um uh but no yeah so like i

literally couldn't get in on this i was like you people are insane cider is the devil's drink and i still haven't really drunk so i like i've had i think i tried mulled cider once at some christmas thing and i was like why isn't this mulled wine what are you even doing um so and like mulled wine is not a great drink but i still looked down on it and so is it spoiled vodka and cider i mean it's a vital cider but what about the vodka well it certainly put me off drinking neat vodka um which was another thing that i sometimes did around that time but only like we just didn't have mixers um so you used the cornish mixer yeah um but yeah like i i could i could i probably i could i probably could drink vodka i don't like if i was going to have a martini i would have a gin martini not a vodka martini

um so i'm still slightly anti-vodka but i would drink i mean come on you're only human got a podcast name um but i funny thing about underage drinking that we struggled with the mixers so much like we always had a huge like liter of something but we're like like why couldn't we find any teeth in no like let's put some red wine in there that's like juice i think that's what I like about this choice, is it's something so charmingly naive about the vodka and cider drink.

I mean, it's like, we've all been there, halcyon days, you know, when you just didn't and you just thought that's what booze was like. It was never going to taste that nice. You didn't notice. I remember going to a party and someone said, oh, my parents never checked my drinks cabinet, would you like some booze and I went, oh yeah, gin

because I've heard people drink that and I was like, this is fucking aftershave, is this a practical joke and stuffing like Chew-Its and Skittles in there to try and they just dissolved in seconds and didn't make any difference and you know when you grow up and you go, ah

okay, do you know what I'd like to open? And this is going to sound bad, but an off-licence for teenagers. Just be like, do you know what, guys? Let me tell you how to, I know that you've only got a little bit of budget there. You've got your pocket money, but we can make you something nice here

and we can make you like our head of year, Miss Pratt, when we're in sick form. She was great because the only thing she said to us before we went away for the weekend, she always say don't mix your drinks and that is the thing that's just stayed with i think all of us and like and we were all ill from drinking but we were never that ill because we we took that because of this because of miss pratt she'd just be like don't mix your drinks i hope you i hope you all stood on your desks to thank her i take you that is amazing like i would like to see that film with the advice just don't mix your drinks i mean like aim aim i'm not gonna aim for aim aim aim can't stop me drinking let's aim let's

aim that high yeah i can sort of imagine like you know there's sort of like old war posters when you know your country needs you a sort of miss pratt says don't mix your drinks with a sort of a stern but kindly sort of pointing at you yeah i love her that's great that is great it's actually i suppose it's you it's like being treated as a grown-up. Like she's accepted that you're going to drink. Yeah. And then you're kind of like, okay, she sees that we're grown-ups. We will take her advice.

Yes, I think there was a lot of that, actually. Yeah. And vodka and cider, I mean, did it have a name, this cocktail? Like it's a turbo snake bite or something? No, I mean, we could name it now katie's dumb ass drink good okay that seems like a good enough name to me i think and you made a very good case for it as well i feel we should move on to taylor now and uh find out where your drink choice was yeah it's not going to be strong in this round it's it's mulled wine which is hugely popular here so it's it's the louis theroux of

drinks i bet louis makes a great mulled wine i bet he does i don't have i don't have a leg to stand on it's just a personal thing it's it's warm and i don't want my wine warm and it sweetens wine and i hate sweet wine and i'm i'm funny with spice i'm a little bit better since i lived here because it's still the height of delight do you know what i mean like everything's like it's got sultanas in it and spice and i'm always like okay like would you have a fennel tea with like chai like no you wouldn't like i don't like chai i love i love curry though like if it's savory i like the more spice the better but i've had to learn to like i think it's clove in particular that i really hate but i love i didn't like i

didn't even like cinnamon until uh i was pregnant with my daughter and I craved it like crazy. Now, I love cinnamon. I don't, I've never figured that one out. But caper cinnamon, who knows? Yeah, so. I feel that mulled wine could be quite a good drink in Hannah's underage off-license, though, for the kids. Yeah. I think, you know.

Yeah. Coming out of the cold, kids. Have some of this. Oh, yeah. I imagine that's how you'd have to talk. Oh, certainly. I'm. Coming out of the cold, kids. Have some of this. Oh, yeah. Imagine that's how you'd have to talk. Oh, certainly. I'm in Victorian England at the time. Yeah, you'd be very Dickens.

Warm your cockles, dearie. Yeah, that sounds like you're serving some pies as well. Well, you've got to eat as well. That's another good bit of advice. Like lining your stomach. You're a teacher, yeah. Yeah, but I teacher, yeah. But I agree, Taylor, I hate a mulled wine.

I won't be having it. Horrible. Oh, you do as well. Oh, okay. I feel like if we mix all of these, which doesn't change Katie's drink that much because it's already a terrible mix, it's just the idea of mixing the wrong things. And the thing is, you know, when Gwyneth starts talking,

I will drink the cider and vodka and then I might be sick yeah it comes back to mrs prep and that would be you could tell her that's very cleansing yes it would be the equivalent of setting my genitals on fire or something but i mean because it's got apples in it you could call it some kind of juice cleanse i could actually a juice purge i could give it a really hoity-toity name and then... Calling cider a juice purge is hilarious. That's really good. I might be using that for my teenage off-lust. What was the other?

We've got mulled wine, we've got my drink. What was Hannah's drink? Coffee. That is the name for that cocktail is the purge. It's called the purge. Okay. So are we just making a mega drink and calling it the purge? Yeah, I've enjoyed all of this so much.

I can't, you know, I don't want to pick you up against each other, you know. Coffee, mulled wine, vodka and cider. And it's called the purge. Yeah, the purge. It would be the worst drink anyone has ever had. Sounds horrible. Well, then, yeah, we can't split it into its constituent parts. It's too powerful, I think.

Yeah, let's put it on there. The pur constituent parts. It's too powerful, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The purge. The drink is the purge. Well done. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Great. Well, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why? And who do we go with uh taylor oh um right so my least favorite song is believe by share which i realize is a very popular song it um it fills me with a type of dread.

I don't like. Did something happen? Why? No, it's just, it's my worst kind of music because it's got that sort of like techno beat. It's got, I've got nothing wrong with Cher. She's cool as shit. The reverb, I don't like the reverb.

Like, I believe it's just very unsettling. And I don't feel good when it's on. And you're supposed to feel like the way people love it makes it worse because it's almost like, what's wrong with me that I don't like this? I feel bad inside. Yeah, it's not for me. It's not for me. It's weird how that sort of vocal effect has become popular afterwards like you know you hear it in like loads of hip-hop and stuff these

days and they're like this is 20 years after shir used it how did that happen that's very true it makes me think of being really sad a little distance from a wedding and just hearing it in the background it's that sort of thing like if you're really upset in a car park somewhere that would be the song you just heard in the distance you know just a bit muffled you know what i mean yeah so maybe yeah something might have happened because as soon as you said that i'm like oh this feels like a depressing british wedding it is depressing because it's it's sort of about you know it should be upbeat it's about second chances and there's more to live for but it's actually like hey everybody

you get your second choice okay and hannah what would your choice be my song would be complicated by avril lavigne just because i related to it so hard when i was a teenager just because it's like she goes life's like this and that's the way it is and you're like of course it is avril and then the lyrics are like chill out what you're yelling for like all of this stuff that's so fucking teenage and now i listen to it and i'm like oh god life's not like that and that's not the way it is and so it's just sheer embarrassment that whenever i hear that song i used to to be like, Oh God, I used to like sit in my room going, Oh my God, this like, this is some deep shit. And now of course I'm like, it's not, it's a, it's. Oh, that's such a good one because of the history. That's really good.

Just, do you know when you sort of like, you think about something that you used to really relate to or think was amazing. Or are you fucking kidding? I to listen to sarah mclaughlin i like shoot my face if anybody plays her now i think i i just have a real aversion to any song that sort of just tells you what life is like though in general and it's like it's like ed sheeran does it a lot doesn't he when it's sort of like people in their 20s wisdom you know sort of like explaining how it is and also they're usually a fucking millionaire as well so like just shut up or like and also it's one of those things like you know when you give your friend good advice and then you're in a similar situation and they tell you the advice

you gave them you're like i don't that's just the shit you say. It's not real. Like, why did you listen to me? I don't know. I didn't mean it when I said it to you. Don't just say it back at me. It's just what people say. I don't know. There's a line, I looked it up, and there's a line in it that's about,

because it's all sort of, you know, she's talking to a guy who's not himself. Like, he's one person when he's with her, and he's another, you know, he acts up when he's with her and he's another you know he acts up when he's with with the others and all of this you know but there's a line when she's like saying take off all your preppy clothes which seems that like his way of acting out is to be quite preppy and square yeah it's like why can't you show the world that you're like this sort of like you might wear a choker sometimes you could could be a skater boy. Right, yes. Within months we had skater boy.

And it's like, who, what are we talking here? So it's like a sort of, yeah, a preppy guy who kind of hangs out with Avril and like secretly has a skateboard or something. It's quite, normally it's the other way around, isn't it? It's like the opposite rebellion. Okay, so that's a good choice as well. And Katie, what's your pick? Well, I could go with the Avril Lavigne choice because my choice, I don't hate any one song.

I hate lots of songs. And it's along the Avril Lavigne lines, just in the like teenage stuff that gets sold to you in a very patronizing one-size-fits-all way which I never liked and all the stuff that I did like as a teenager I genuinely stand by um like well okay not all of it but like come on guys blur an oasis sleeper ash but um i hated take that and i hated um i hated the spice girls when no one hated the spice girls and i hated britney spears and i was older for laverall levine but i i it was that okay like when this won't make any sense for Taylor because she's American but in the UK we had this kids tv show called um whack a day with Timmy Mallet and he was this wacky guy and he wore crazy Bermuda shorts and he had brightly colored glasses like myself as a child and when new kids on the block came and he would do like he was like you, really cheeky and disruptive kind of clown figure that I thought was great, which maybe doesn't stand up now.

But when New Kids on the Block came out, he called them New Kids off their block, which obviously is very funny and clever. And so when Take That came out, I was like, well, everyone's going to laugh at this as well. Because look at these guys prancing around with no clothes on. No one's going to take this seriously. And then like everyone was just like swapping posters of planning their weddings to Robbie and Mark. And I was just like, oh, I'm not in this. I cannot relate to this at all. I hate all of this. I'm an alien.

And so I would say that I hate all that kind of manufactured pop but wait did timmy whack a mallet timmy like yeah from the wackadoodles did he like it no he mocked it it was my first satirizing pop music right so you had an ally but your only ally was on tv you just weren't surrounded by people that liked alternative music yeah okay is that is that accurate i don't want to put words in your mouth yeah i mean i'm 10 but yes i'm like 6 to 12 13 14 in this time period of going why is no one laughing at this see i get what you're saying i think that like when i remember seeing the spice girls on going live for the first time and even at whatever age you know if i was 12 or 13 or something just thinking fucking hell this is

awful we're never going to see these guys again and then yeah going to school and even like even boys were going like oh yeah really and really? And I couldn't believe it. And at least with the Spice Girls now, people who still like them, it's all just a bit of fun. But then take that, now they're considered, like Gary Barlow's considered this sort of fucking national institution now, like this great songwriter. And I'm not accepting that.

Like, okay, let's all have a bit of fun. But come on now. And it's like, you you know you see him interviewed behind a grand piano oh i remember when i came up with this and just who do you think you are no fuck off tax avoiding scum but also who do who have we let him become as well it's this the yeah yeah fair enough yeah fair enough no completely yeah so i'll go with avril lavigne because that can represent um my feelings on on that industry whereas share is real music taylor yeah tell us really embarrassed herself here like come on in a way avril lavigne combines the things that we're talking about because she she was branded as this kind of rebellious but she was so many but it was very manufactured

yeah she's the most cynical product of all really yes yeah yeah so i think that's an excellent excellent shout okay okay avril lavigne joins you on the island and uh right we've got to get into films now as well so what's uh what film choices have we got uh who wants to go first okay i'm gonna say love actually yes so i've showed showed my my feelings there but oh god um it's another one that's massively popular that i kind of feel sad that i don't like i'd like to like fun easy stuff that everyone has a laugh with but i cannot it's i just can't like i would try and watch it and i'll just be like it just irritates me and i ruin it for other people and it's very emotionally manipulative and it's very superficial.

It's not how anything works. What? I'm picturing you in the corner, sipping your vodka and cider. God damn it. Which storyline do you want me to tell? And honestly, it's pointless me talking about it.

Lindy West has done the perfect takedown of this film in, I think Jezebel. And everything that I think about this film, she has said 100 times more eloquently, and she's eviscerated it. So just Google that. Everything is done. I'm always happy to hear more, though. I mean, honestly.

It's a film that opens with, it uses the 9-11 attack at the beginning, doesn't it? I'm sure it says something like, oh, love is all around us. When people were calling home from the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers, no one was sending messages of hate. And you're like, well, they probably weren't. If they had enough credit and time,

they'd probably mention that, by the way, these fucking bastards are flying us into a tower. I hate them. Yeah. It's like, you can't open a film like that. And also, they were probably ringing each other to be really racist about who they thought it was as well they just didn't show that in the beginning of love actually i just yeah and again that's become it's become this

like christmas feel good film now and it's dreadful yeah i i just can't relate and it's one of those things that makes me feel like an alien. It's like the Spice Girls all over again. I think there's some very confusing messages in it as well. Like there's this sort of Keira Knightley character. You know, there's this story where a man's really mean to his best friend's fiancée or wife. Yeah, who has no lines. Yeah.

And it turns out he's mean to her because he loves her which like you're not 12 mate like just be happy and we've all been in a situation where we you know we fancy like a friend's partner or something but like the answer isn't to go and secretly tell her when your friend is in the other room and pretend it's character like that's just twisted what are you going to achieve what at best what you're going to break him up and then and then she's all yours because you're such a good friend yeah what it's it's messed up the women get no lines i mean the only thing i would say is at least that scene is fun in parodies i mean but like everything else, it's yeah, the women, like no one gets any lines. It's not how anything works.

It's insane. Good, good choice. Well, I think I've shown my feelings, but it's not my choice. Taylor, what's your film choice? Mine is What Women Want, starring Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt. And I've only seen it once. And it was way back whenever that film was made. What did they want, Taylor?

Was it the heating turned up? Well, Katie, this is the thing in the film is how on earth could a man possibly know what a woman wants unless he can read her mind? There's no other way. So it wasn't equal pay. It wasn't anything. I'm finding out. There's no way to be as good in bed as he is when he can read her mind um yeah it's just you know and this is before all the mel gibson stuff unraveled like it's it's before anti-semitic mel he was still a delight at this time but it's such a celebration of like toxic masculinity

and when it pretends that it's going to take that apart it really doesn't and it's um you know they both work in marketing too and there's this sort of glorification of that whole world like everything about it is is wrong wrong wrong and you're just i just i love helen hunt too so i'm just screaming at her character like don't do it man like all the supernatural stuff aside still don't go with him um yeah okay not a fan not a fan isn't it sort of like he gradually because he can read women's minds and he sort of uses it to gradually seduce her or something as well yeah yeah so there's this whole so coercive control yeah and there's so many films with that there's another richard curtis film like that actually where it's like

it's adorable this this man has power to gaslight a woman in an entirely new way because he's got a supernatural power um yeah it's it's bad and it's not funny that's the other thing like i would forgive anything if it was yeah if it was well written and really funny but it's like the humor is like helen hunt saying in her mind like oh no i just looked at his penis and then mel gibson goes and like pulls his trousers up to accentuate his dick and i'm like oh no really like that's what we're working with and it oh man wow man wow man mel gibson loves himself i've never looked at a man's kind of crotch in trousers and thought oh i've looked at his dick i thought oh i've looked at his trousers like that seems like a weird thing to think anyway yeah just think oh that guy's got a pack in a polo that's it you wouldn't even like even if you were doing that would you articulate

it in exactly those words like oh i've looked at his penis like i don't think all the men are going oh she's caught me staring at her breasts i need to check back and see if the screenplay was written by a woman in the first place maybe it was but it's just problematic anyway because obviously as in any film where like suddenly you have this supernatural power then they have to showcase it so he goes out and he's overwhelmed by all these thoughts but the thoughts are like a woman is jogging she's like right i ate a muffin and that was 150 calories and then i had it like it's just the most um yeah mundane cliche reductive bullshit yeah no you know one of the things that was on my dick list at the beginning which i also didn't put on the island was male writers that use phrases like attractive but doesn't know it and it's like that kind of writing it sounds like yeah it's like male

fantasy what women are women what are they like one man and two women okay but you know what they they could have been tampered with that doesn't mean they got their voices heard oh absolutely oh yeah that's no bar but um also they probably whacked them on because they had to if they're like we're gonna have to get some of these on the credit list who do you know who doesn't mind doing what we say everyone who wants to work in Hollywood yeah oh shit

oh man it sounds like an absolute I have seen it a long time ago but I mean I'm not going to revisit it we don't need to'm not, I'm not going to revisit it. Yeah. We don't need to. Taylor's described it perfectly. Yeah, exactly. Well, in the whole sequence, when he like gets the ability,

he's testing out female products, which, you know, he's supposed to be this Don Draper character, right? Like that's kind of what it is. Oh God, is it? Yeah, because he works in marketing and he's like, oh, I have to test out this lipstick. So it's a hilarious sequence where this very manly man is putting on tights and he shaves his leg. That's so funny.

And then the hairdryer falls in the water and he gets shocked but doesn't die. He can just read women's minds because that's what it takes. Is that how it happens? Yeah, it's like, oh, you almost got electrocuted. So instead of death. Oh, man, we're in his coma fantasy. That would be a good ending. The idea of this marketing guy who desperately has to try out everything

to make sure he knows how it works. That's how anything would work. Yeah, that does feel like something Richard Curtis would do. Absolutely. What if he was a vet or something? And he's's like i've got to try all these like cow medicines just doesn't work yeah i better inject some cow horn would you mind shoving your arm right up my ass because i just really need to know what that feels like to be a vet oh man yeah and hannah what would be your film choice my film choice was a film called kill

chain and i'll tell you for why it's advertised as a nick cage movie um and since isolation has started me and my friends have been doing a thing called the isolation cage which is where we watch a nick cage film together at the same time and that's fun i mean it's so fun because he always delivers on being nick cage i mean it's it's an incredible experience but this movie he was in it at the very beginning for about five minutes um and then he just disappears from the movie he is on the poster but he just goes and he comes back i think it's 55 minutes i mean we abandoned it because we're like this isn't a nick cage movie um so it's any film that sells itself on the star

and the star isn't in it oh so that would be yesterday kate mckinnon was in it for five minutes yeah when they really push someone that's sort of famous and you sometimes see it with sort of like smaller indie movies that were made years ago when someone suddenly got famous it's like suits doesn't star megan markle but megan markle is now Meghan Markle. So they're like, oh, look, you know. So that's just a dishonesty. Okay, the cynical dishonesty of selling films. That's not like Hollywood. What is it called again?

Kill Chain. I think it's just like a chain of assassins, like a kind of like a post-it-forward letter, but it's of killing people and assassins. So it's like like a chain of assassins like a kind of like um a post-it-forward letter but it's just like an assassin assassin film chain yeah it probably never existed as a phrase before this film does it's like we need something snappy like uh death list no we've had that sort of thing uh kill box kill kill rope kill chain kill chain yeah um yeah i wonder if it's just one of those things where it just tests really badly because they do that don't they where they like they make a film and then test it with audiences and then change it based on what a group of people in a

room think like cats with the buttholes do they used to have buttholes yeah in the musical um apparently the the new cats movie they tested it and then um they were like you have to take the buttholes out or put them in i can't remember which one it was oh my god but it was something about having to like change change some stuff about i'd love it if it was having to put them in a whole audience just went where's the buttholes put them in i don't believe a word of this is a real cat where's the buttstholes? Put them in. We don't believe a word of this. This is a real cat. Where's the butts? I want to see more butts.

This is not believable without the buttholes. Yeah, I mean, what is it? What are you taking me for? Like, I mean, yeah, okay, they walk on two legs. I'm fine with that, but where's the ass? How do they poo? I'm too distracted. I can't listen to them sing now.

Unless it's a song about where the fuck their buttholes are. Yes. Memory. So that's what magical Mr Mistoffelees has been up to. Yeah. Like the corner of my butthole. So which film are we going to do? We all have such great films. I feel like such a cop-out but i'm

having such a lovely time let's put all of the films on i mean you know i'm a podcast host not a judge i mean let's and that means if hannah do you like love actually well do you know what i don't mind i don't hate it quite as much as everyone else hates it because i i feel like then actually there's a film that you enjoy on the island. I get which will be fun by me, actually. Well, I can't not let it go on the island. So, you know, you just get a little treat. Positive Hannah gets a positive treat. There you go.

It all works out in the end. Finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why so i said fly that's a dick that is a dick i mean i don't even need to expand on that nobody likes them and uh taylor what would yours be well again i think i read this one wrong and i thought it had to be a pet like a common pet the biggest dick and i chose a goldfish just because the last thing i want on an island is a bowl of water with a fish in it that i have to feed every day that i would just be like you dick i would just name it dick dick the gold

fish you could eat it though yeah i don't know can Can I just say, Katie, what I did there, I got so excited about hearing everyone's choices, I forgot that we were all going to elaborate on each, so I just thought in my head, I just went, let's hear everyone's all at once. Why on earth do you not like flies? But there really is no more to be said. They're annoying.

They lay eggs in raw meat and poo and food fair enough i mean they buzz you know it would only buzz around you and not gwyneth as well like here's another gwyneth example like they would all buzz around me and she'd be like see it's because you eat processed food they've done a test and it's actually based on your aura yes well my aura would attract a lot of flies i think unfortunately have you guys read the wasp factory yes um so that that bit in there where like a fly has laid eggs in well to start with a rabbit and then like this the maggots are in the rabbit and then like nobody looks after this rabbit so it's kind of like essentially a working rabbit but it's got fly and it kind of eats this whole rabbit from the inside i don't

even know if that's possible but then it in and then it happens in someone's brain they've got like a brain injury and there's flies of laid eggs is it a romantic comedy or is it it's a really dark ian banks. Right. And I just remember being... I read it when I was, like, 19, and I remember being really freaked out by the flies. And now, like, if anyone ever has an open wound, I'm like, oh, my God, a fly could lay its eggs in the wound and then there'll be maggots in, like, my cat or something.

I think, you know, it's probably the best example of... You know, pretty much all animals, when they're young, are cute, except for flies, which are even worse. True. Yeah. Very true. Although, you know, on the other hand, maggots are useful because they will eat like, what's it called when flesh is bad? Bacteria?

Bacteria in flesh. Yeah. Like if you have a cut and you've got gangrene, you can put maggots on it and they'll eat the gangrene but i mean leeches are useful in a way aren't they for yeah but i mean god i've had leeches on me and it's one of the worst moments of my entire life why did you have leeches on you oh because i'm i'm an unbearable man i was on a gap year in india in the jungle and there was leeches and you get what you know know, basically, I absolutely deserved it, basically. Yeah, they're just everywhere in this jungle. And God went, you little twat thinking you're going to find yourself.

Here you go, leech attack. And they're like fast maggots that stick on you. And they're just like, oh, God. But I suppose, but they don't grow into anything else i was going to say at least i mean they're they're young looks like them so it's not like i don't know there's a fly is bad twice yeah yeah i just it's the wasp factory freaked me out about flies but i don't like them anyway they're not hygienic no no very bad thing and sorry i'm going all over the place here i'm just overexcited i've been having a lovely time um right um taylor goldfish we were going to i mean they are they're they're crap

i'm willing to defer to the fly and the oh yeah it's hannah's oh well i mean i wrote down moth because like i get i like i get a butterfly fine but the moth is kind of like a 70s butterfly isn't it it's like it's just all brown and like horrible big body and and always attracted to like lights and always kind of I don't know it always just appears in a room and even if I haven't had the windows open like there'll be one in here somewhere um and I don't normally get freaked out by animals but a moth if it comes close to my face that's it i'm gone um so horrible horrible moth genuinely that's worse than a fly to you yeah flies right i mean sure wow they'll you know lay eggs in my wounds and between love actually and loving flies i feel like i don't even know

you hannah this has been but you know they don't they sort of they may burrow into your brain the you know the maggots and the flies but i mean they're not making holes in your lovely cashmere jumpers are they i mean and a moth will do that i've had i keep getting moths in this flat and they're like not big ones that hang by the lights they're these little ones that eat my clothes and then i'll go to work and people think i've been smoking hash and i've got hot rocks and i try and expect and no one believes you and everyone goes oh right what have you got okay no no it's moths and i just sound like this really guilty 14 year old no no it's moths i swear sir um and um and i keep seeing them and i kill them and then my son

you know i don't like i told him off for stamping on an ant the other day so i was like and then he sees me like killing these moths and i have to protect oh no i didn't kill it i just uh i just brushed it away and he's like why did it leave a mark? I'm like, oh, it didn't wipe its feet or something stupid. Because they're dusty, aren't they? They just turn into fibers. It's so freaky. They're just made of what they eat, which is what Gwyneth says, too. See, they seem innocent enough.

But I think they're thugs. They eat all your stuff. They just vandalize all your shit for no reason. Because also, what nutritional value are they getting from a jumper? They can't be anything. That's a good question. And then they go out raving. They just stand right next to the lightbulb, headbutting a lightbulb.

They're like these weird skinheads. Yeah, they're so stoned they think it's the sun. Come on. And in nature, what are you trying to get to, the moon or the sun? Because you're never going to... It's a pipe dream. It's not going to happen.

So just wake up. Just sort it out. I really hate these moths. Weirdly, you've taught me round. I kind of think like, oh, my God, they are striving for something better. Good for them. So, no, moths are not on the planet anymore.

I love them. I'm going to open my window right now. Oh, man, I thought moths were going to win and you've attracted moths. Okay, Taylor, it's down to goldfish and flies. Oh, it's got to be flies. Come on. It's got to be flies. Come on. Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, man, this island's actually

going to rise up with flies. We were doing all right with the triple movie score, but now... All pissed on... What do we call the cocktail? Oh, the purge. The purge, of course. You're all pissed off the purge.

We won't notice the flies laying their eggs. We can't let any of our... They won't touch Gwyneth because there's nothing to eat on her. Yeah, she'll be fine. We can't let any of our listeners know about the purge because you know some of them will make it and drink it like make a video and we'll be like we're not liable for your choices i was gonna say maybe it'll be like one of those with nell and i style drinking games

where every time you say one thing they have to do a shot of the purge when they're listening or something yes i mean we're not encouraging that but yes i i can't see anyone to like i know it'd be like really funny and ironic but i genuinely it's just such a terrible idea for a drink or is it like one of those mystery cocktails where the strange combination of all those things you're like oh my gosh it tastes like a coconut cake wine and i mean just coffee and mulled wine even without the cider and vodka is such a bad idea very true well it just goes to show what a great job you've all done by picking these horrendous things to be stuck on an island with. So it is to your credit that you're collectively disgusted at your own ideas. So well done.

Bravo. And thank you very much for coming on Desert Island. It's been an absolute pleasure. And obviously, we can all listen to your podcast. Yes. Is there anywhere else we should be finding out more about you? Or where can we hear more of you? Well, we're on all the normal places, aren't we all the itunes and the a-casts and whatnot um and we're www.drunkwomensolvingcrime.com

is our website and we're on twitter at drunk women pod and we're on instagram drunk women solving crime and we're on facebook drunk women solving crime so we're we're everywhere and also during during lockdown because of all our live shows are cancelled, we sometimes do live Insta. We do. Yes, we do. A quiz. Good.

But yeah. Lovely. So there's lots. I can't even speak. I don't know what it is, but I'm excited about all these, finding out more about all of you on all these places. So great.

Thank you. I'm probably going to edit this little bit out but thank you very much for coming on this has been fun it's been an absolute pleasure thank you very much indeed Bye.