Desert Island Dicks - ED GAMBLE

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

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Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island dicks with us today is comedian, host of the Off Menu podcast among others, author and much more besides. It's Ed Gamble. How are you? Hello, yeah, well I think it's the first time I've been referred to as an author so I'm absolutely buzzing to be honest well I just think every day the amount I am able to do in a day decreases and the amount of respect I have for anyone who can actually

write a whole book it goes up slowly so I thought we'll give you your dues so yeah I mean it's the it's the first it's the first one I've written and it's quite a lot of work I don't I knew it would be some work but it really is you know i was doing actual full work days which i've not done in about 20 years so i'm very happy with it oh well done yeah and that's that's out in october isn't it yeah october 26th is publishing day uh it's called glutton the multi-course life of a very greedy boy and it's sort of my life through food which is a good thing for a comedian to do to have a topic to hang their life on uh otherwise it would be fairly unremarkable of i drove to another gig which has been you know the last

the last over a decade and a half of my career has mainly been focused on doing comedy and no one wants to read about that because the realities of it are crushingly boring and quite bleak fair enough i was thinking about like the i mean i don't know if anyone sort of gets a book deal these days and just really phones it in with a really thin one like i remember years ago my brother's a big leicester city fan and there was a book by the manager at the time brian little and it was it was about i'm gonna say like 200 pages long and each paragraph was about two lines it was like for each sentence it would be a new paragraph it was amazing so yeah at some points when i was struggling with it i did think about emailing the publisher and saying what font can we push it to can we go massive um but uh no in the

i mean they do tell you how many words you have to do uh minimum so that is part of the deal otherwise it would be a pamphlet yeah and bubble writing as well yeah exactly yeah and then just some wingdings tossed in halfway through fair enough okay well look we are here today to talk about the people and things you would most hate to be stuck with on a desert island how did you find this as a challenge was it difficult or is it easy to rattle together a list well i right i rattled together a list pretty easily i wouldn't say it's a particularly straightforward list i'm hoping because obviously like how many how many podcast episodes have you done now of this oh i don't know it's over 250 i think so it's quite a lot so you must have had

repeat answers right yeah yeah we have yeah yeah so you know that's i didn't want that so i was trying to think outside the box but i'm sure there are some repeat answers in there. But I found it difficult to sort of, obviously you don't want to come in here and directly slag off someone that you might bump into is one of the main issues, and you don't want it getting back to them. So my list is, it's a list that's true to me. I would hate to be stuck on a desert island

with these people and things, but hopefully they are people that um the the message won't reach okay all right well this is intriguing so let's just go into it then uh who's going to be the first person joining you on the island oh mickey mouse can it can he count as a person yep yep he's fine yeah i fucking hate that guy i mean look voice first of all i think in terms of all of the Disney creations, his voice is the most grating and annoying. It's high.

It's constant. I think he's arrogant is my next issue with him because he's sort of the first Disney guy, but he's been superseded by almost every Disney creation since then, and he's still swaggering around as the logo of the park. Yeah. I just think get over yourself, mate. You've not done anything for years. I was thinking the same of the park yeah i just think i just think get over yourself mate you've not done you've not done anything for years i was thinking the same thing the other day like there were no i don't think there are any mickey mouse cut you know we've seen the one where he's on the steamboat

whistling and that was like the first animation or whatever since then what's he been doing but he's the logo everything you only need to see the silhouette and you're like disney yeah but i mean he's not doing the hard work is he no he's not he's not achieved anything in years and that that steamboat one is so old it's it's one of those things that's so old it's probably racist like it seems i'm not exactly sure how it's racist but i'm sure there's some there's something in there that makes it racist um so i think he needs to be taken to task for that and also his girlfriend looks exactly like him with a bow on which is fucked up yeah i mean it's weird isn't it because i've got no sense of of who he is what his character's like you know we all we all know what the other ones as i sort of stand for what their deal is with mickey mouse like he sort of just seems really

straight when he does pop up in other things he's like very straight not that interesting doesn't have a quirk no being a talking mouse you know but then even then it's not like he's that mousy like he doesn't like he looks like a mouse sure but he's not sort of giving anything in the way away and the way he acts or what he says he's not there's no interesting sort of mouse features to him apart from the the. So I think it's a very badly thought through character and they're just sort of resting on their laurels with him. And I think he knows it, you know. It's almost as if, and it feels like the marketing industry

was sort of more naive in those days. They wouldn't have thought this far ahead, but it's almost like he's got a perfect silhouette to be the marketing material forever because you can just see it from a million miles where i know what it is but i also feel like he he was born in an age where people just said use bisto or like drink guinness for strength it was so black and white i can't believe anyone thought that deeply about it yeah and the fact it's still it's still a sustaining

uh sort of thing for them is mad uh And especially when you think about like even Donald, who can't have come that far after Donald Duck, he's got a character. You know, I'd like to spend time with Donald Duck. He's angry, sure. But, you know, he's got a bit of depth to him. He's got an edge. Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I was thinking actually? Like my kids were watching a thing on Disney Plus and there is now like a cartoon with Mickey Mouse called Disney, what's it called? Mickey Mouse's Fun House, I think it's called. And he does, you know, play a role in that. But again, there's not really any substance to him. He's kind of more like the, I suppose like the ringmaster.

But, you know, he's just kind of like, oh, I'm Mickey, let's do this today. And then they go off and do whatever it is that they're doing. But there's no, yeah, what is he up to? Yeah, so he's just like the derriere, like leader. But why? Why is that? I'm never like that anyway. when teenage mutant ninja turtles came out when i was a kid all my friends loved rafael or leonardo because you know they were like the leaders and they were you know

red and blue but i was a donatello guy i'm not i'm not going with the with the boring sort of you know alpha male leader and mickey mouse of, you know, alpha male leader. And Mickey Mouse, despite his voice, is an alpha male. Yeah, absolutely. And on the island, I mean, is he going to be very much used? I mean, let's imagine he's not animated for a second and has a physical form. I mean, it doesn't seem very strong. I don't know if he's got much now survival instinct, you know.

No, I mean, he can drive a steamboat, I suppose, but I don't think we're going to have that facility open to us. Yeah, but I mean, can he? Because in that animation, he's really spinning the wheel a lot more than he needs to. And I just think it's... Yeah, that's a good point. That's probably why we're on the island, you know. So that's the last time I take a scenic boat trip with an animated mouse that's for sure

i like you you asked me to imagine him not animated that is horrific the idea of a massive mouse with that voice is absolutely awful well i mean i suppose i meant he has a physical form rather than being two-dimensional i suppose suppose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because obviously now I'm imagining a gigantic real mouse walking on his hind legs. Yeah, which would be horrendous. Although I guess people enjoy a Disney world when they see that kind of thing, you know? Yeah, that's true.

That's true. I queued up for a long time to meet Mickey Mouse when I was a kid in Florida. It wasn't worth it. No, no. He hugged too tight as well. Can you imagine that? My friend once saw one of them pass out from

heat exhaustion and get dragged away by the others very quickly and i think that would be my main goal if i went to disney world just to see a person in a suit just collapse and i just love the idea of like you know they'd have to get rid of them so quickly so that but also in a way that wasn't really terrifying to the kids. Looking like he's just got dragged off by some robbers. Super quickly. Because they've got other ones in the back, like, ready to go, right? So we went to Disneyland Paris once, me and my wife,

and it was Jack Skellington was there in the massive costume and people were queuing to meet him. And then he went, well, wait right there. And he went away into the back. And then he was great, this guy. He was really riffing, going for it, really energetic. He went, I'll be back very shortly. And he went away.

And a second later, Jack Skellington came back. But suddenly, he had no energy. That guy couldn't be bothered to be there. And we're supposed to we're supposed to buy that it's the same character he may as well have had a fag on like he was that relaxed nice yeah i find it a very weird world disney and i've often thought it's strange that their real figurehead is is just has so little output so uh yeah i think it's time for a change of the guard but i also think that mickey would be a really shit addition to a desert

island. Totally. A fine first choice. Who's going to join him? Who's next? Buzz Aldrin. Okay. Right.

What's, what is it about Buzz? Well, I mean, how long are we on this island for? Cause he's got one story. It's a, it's a good story,

but I think he's burning through that in the first five minutes, isn't he? And then that's it. And then he's got nothing else to offer. Also, whenever I see him on stuff, he's quite grumpy. I know he gets annoyed with people saying the moon landings were faked and he punched someone in the face and stuff. And that's a bit edgy.

That's very Donald Duck of him. But I just think after five minutes, you're going to be like, yeah, we get it. You've been to the moon, but you can't even get off this fucking island mate let us hand yeah i mean he has a terrifying face doesn't he buzz aldrin i mean it's like i like to imagine that had he been the first man on the moon and never been asked things like you know what's it like to be the second man on the moon and like you know was it all fake he would look completely different but it's just the years of like pressure eating away at him until he looks like he has lasers that could just drill through

your soul if he wanted to he doesn't look like a good hang and yeah i just think i'd get bored very quickly with him and i would very quickly probably start just needling at him about about the moon landings being faked i'd probably really push it with him after a bit because if you're spending time with someone you want to have a bit of banter right and i don't think he'd enjoy that at all no i don't think he's a a man of banter i think he's he's not a banter merchant no he's he's solid facts and conclusive proof and no deviation from from his way of doing things i reckon yeah i think he seems like the sort of man who eats the same thing on every day. You know, like Monday is egg and chips. Tuesday is like meatloaf.

Like he always has the same thing every day. But it's all from like foil pouches. Yeah. It's just paste that tastes like those things. Yeah. And now he's getting older. It's quite handy, haven't it? Yeah.

He's just got all his old astronaut packs. Yeah, I mean, look, he's obviously achieved something amazing, but, you know, what's he done since then, really? Yeah. I mean, oddly, he's probably around the same age as Mickey Mouse. Yeah. I wonder if they start having, like, weird old-timey conversations, like, oh, what I wouldn't do for a good old sarsaparilla right now or something but they sort of they're similar in

that they both represent a thing and that's sort of all they do they're sort of the figurehead of something so the moon landings and disney which two i've picked two very like american things there haven't i like things that that Americans love to go on about. So, yeah, I just don't. And Buzz Aldrin and Mickey talking. I think Mickey's going to get on Buzz's nerves. I think Buzz is going to basically punch Mickey's head off within 10 minutes of being on the island,

which I would like to watch. Yeah, I mean, on the one hand, as you say, they're both such all-American symbols, but I don't think i don't think buzz has the capacity for joy to tolerate being with mickey mouse on the island like it would start off okay yeah then maybe every they'd realize it was the fourth of july one year and they'd have to sort of dust themselves off and have a truce for the day yeah you know bygones be bygones and put things aside but then the war starts again

and you're in the middle like who do i talk to this really angry old man or like this incessantly upbeat mouse i think i just like yeah i've picked a very grumpy man and a very upbeat mouse like you say i think i just like people to be just in the middle somewhere. Yeah. Someone with sort of maybe consistently fine or, you know, a bit of a range of emotion. I don't want people who are a constant mood to either extreme. Yeah. I just think he's terrifying. Like, even if he was just sitting there staring out towards the ocean,

his face looks like he's plotting your death. Yeah. So I don't think you would ever be comfortable with Buzz. And he'd just be looking out at the ocean. You couldn't say anything without him going, I've been to the moon. Like you wouldn't, there'd be no story you can bring that can top his.

Yeah. Which is fine, but he's only got that story. Yeah. God, I'm really tired after carrying all those branches and logs from the other side of the island. You think that's far?

Trying to go to the moon? Yeah, but you didn't walk there, Buzz. I didn't walk there. You sat on a big bus. That doesn't matter. Yeah, what have you done? Oh, it's okay, Buzz. All right.

You've got fucking Mickey yapping in your ear as well. Oh, it's a nightmare. Great. Well, I think already there's a real frisson of, I don't know, it's just an uncomfortable atmosphere. So who's going to be the final person joining you? Well, it's about to get more uncomfortable. Jared Leto.

Okay, yeah. So what have you got against Jared? Well, I mean, what haven't I got against Jared? First of all, I'll say that this, Jared Leto to me represents all method actors who all get on my nerves because there's absolutely no need to do that, I don't think. Especially when you take it as far as Jared Leto

or Jim Carrey on Man on the Moon, again, another Moon reference. Anyone who goes deep into character and feels like they need to be in character throughout the whole course of a film, ruining it for the crew and the other actors and anyone who's just trying to do their job. And Jared Leto is the worst example of this.

When he was playing the Joker and he was sending people his own blood and shit or whatever he was doing. And also it wasn't that good. Like you've got to make sure it's really good. If you're going to send someone your own effluvia. And I think he, he represents the worst of this, which is just someone who

thinks they're being dedicated to their craft but what they're actually being is just boring and annoying um and look jim carrey's done this before he's obviously bonkers as well um but he gets away with it because quite often he nails it jared leto also in his personal life has a cult he actually runs a cult. And he was in the desert with his cult when COVID was all kicking off. And he walked out about six months later and had no idea that COVID had happened. Really? I didn't even know this side of him.

That's amazing. Yeah, he walks around the desert in sort of flowing linen robes. And, you know, some weird people who enjoy his work follow him around and he's just got a weird i'm assuming sex cult wow that is extraordinary yeah okay so there's a lot to unpack with old jared i reckon so i mean firstly yeah your point about method actors it's weird because people like you know the daniel day lewis's and the method actors are sort of always held up in the highest regard but i kind of think probably you have to be a better actor if you're just jumping in and out of stuff like yeah you know it's like if you're bad at an accent and you're like hang on what's my entry word again what's my intro

all right okay now i've got it and you can just about hang on to it for a bit as long as you keep thinking but you know someone asks you five minutes later it's gone and that's it's like daniel day lewis refusing to get out of the wheelchair of my left foot it's like do you know how long it's taken to put all those cables down, Daniel? Like, you're not making our life any easier. It's like, now we've got to carry you across all these cables. Also, there's something said for just being a laugh at work.

Just do the scene and then relax and hang out with people and chat. Imagine all those people who have to work with these actors, like constantly tiptoeing around them. Just terrible. It's funny because jared leto someone who he does things that if he were to do them with a sense of humor you'd think okay this is brilliant like i saw at the met gala thing uh he turned up as just in this giant cat costume like this incredibly realistic cat costume you're like fair enough that's that's a really silly thing to do yeah but then you're quite serious and earnest behind it and you're like oh that's not fun anymore than if it's an art piece yeah he doesn't he's not trying to be funny he thinks he's making a

statement all of the time he must just be so tiring to be around yeah yeah because i remember when he was in my so-called life was it that my that, My So-Called Life? He was like, all the girls fancied him and he was really cool. And then it's sort of like, oh, you've sort of turned into this now. Right, okay. Right, that's odd. And 30 Seconds to Mars. Well, I wasn't even going to go there because, I mean, it's one of the worst bands ever.

I don't think actors as a whole should have bands because they're always terrible but 30 seconds to mars particularly i mean they've got they've also got a terrible reputation backstage at festivals interesting um like i can't you know i obviously i can't speak to this being 100 true but there was some pictures posted from festivals they were playing i think last year or the year before where it was like backstage directions for 30 Seconds to Mars and you weren't allowed to look them in the eye and stuff. And you weren't allowed to go anywhere near them.

You're like, well, that makes total sense. Yeah, because I kind of think if you're into that kind of music and you're basically a teenager, most likely, and if you're playing that kind of music and you're like late teens, early 20s, I'm like, yeah, okay, fair enough. It might get a bit awkward when you're playing that music in 15 years to the same audience or whatever but yeah but when you're his age and he must be in like what late 40s early 50s yeah maybe yeah i mean he look he looks good on it he looks great i'll give him that but it must

be really weird having a band at that age that started you know later in life and you're playing that music like it's teenagers music yes very much so i just find that very jarring it's odd he's an odd guy i can't imagine how difficult it is to even have a normal conversation with him i don't imagine he ever lets let's go and ever sort of breaks out of it and goes i'm actually just having a laugh where, you know, if this turns out to be a massive career long art project and he's been filming,

he's been filming the whole thing, just making himself out to be the biggest prick ever. I'll be hugely impressed because I think Joaquin Phoenix did that for a bit. Do you remember the whole film where he basically had a breakdown for a year deliberately and everyone was reacting to it in the press. And then he released it as a documentary. was pretty good i enjoyed that the only way i think jared letter can get away with what he's done in the past is if he goes i've been doing that for 25 years definitely totally and um i mean just imagine the interplay of i mean just being with him on the island is

one thing but when you've got buzz aldrin and mickey mouse as well and then like you know jared isn't trying to tone it down or be any less earnest like really trying to engage mickey in a conversation about philosophy or something and then like he's annoying buzz because he's talking about like conspiracy theories and then you don't want to have anything to do with it but you've got to step in if only for your own peace and quiet you know just yeah i mean and buzz isn't going to enjoy the uh the band named 30 seconds to mars is he exactly he'll be telling him how long it takes to get to mars and then the moon comes up again it's just going to be i'm i'm walking straight into the sea yeah absolutely jared going oh maybe you'd understand it more if you heard some of the lyrics than he does an acapella. No way. Okay. Well, I think you've done a superb job with the people there and it's already feeling quite uncomfortable. But now is a category I'm very curious to hear your opinion on because

mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you is your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad so i mean this is always tricky for me when people ask me about foods i don't like because i do like most things i think most things you can work out a way of either changing them or adding things to them and you can make them good they might be part of a good part of a component dish. For years, I hated celery. Like raw celery was the worst. So I thought about putting that in.

But you can use it in cooking. And now I use it as a vehicle for peanut butter. It's pretty good. If that was the only thing on the plane, dreadful. But I didn't want to pick that. So what I've gone with is plain porridge. Okay, yes, yes. Because people do eat this. It blows my mind that there's people who get up every morning

and they'll eat plain porridge made with water. Yeah. Like those people who just feel, it's almost like a sort of masochist thing where they feel like their body needs to be punished. They're not allowed joy in their life. So they eat plain porridge every morning. They might put salt on it or something.

It's just the saddest food. All it is fuel it really makes me sad yeah because i think porridge you know it took me years i always used to think it was crap and people go oh but you put so many nice things on i was like well yeah but that's not really a good excuse for the the thing itself you know but then it can be quite warming and hearty and you know honey and berries and things on it and it becomes quite enjoyable can be nice and creamy but as as a vehicle it's very especially if it's badly made i mean it's it's kind of like something you could stick bricks together with you know and build things out of you know that's why it's good fuel it's like the heartiest thing ever you know yeah but i just think if if you're using fuel that makes you

that depressed while you're eating it what what are you planning on doing what are you using that fuel for yeah there's no point just lie down and die if you've only got plain porridge i mean if you i guess on a desert island if we wanted to build something then the porridge might come in handy as to use it as a sort of mortar yeah uh but terms of eating, I think that would be, if I was sat there munching on a bowl of plain porridge, trying to conduct a conversation with Mickey Mouse, Buzz Aldrin, and Jared Leto, I think just... This is a very clever podcast because I'm now imagining it and you're putting it all together in my head,

and I do feel absolutely awful. Yeah, I think so. Just the idea of all of that lot bickering behind you and you're just sitting there like oh i better make myself something to eat then forcing it down so buzz aldrin talking about how it's great fuel you're like i'm just sitting here buzz i don't need fuel oh like rocket fuel yeah we use that to go to the moon shut the the fuck up, boss. Yeah. And also, people are very evangelistic about porridge, I think, because it's like, you know, it is a really good start to the day and it fills you up and gives you loads of energy.

And people will eulogize about the importance of porridge and a nutritious breakfast. It's like you're literally sat at a desk. That's all you do. Like, you work in social media. Like, I think you'll be all right. You can have a Pop-Tart, mate. It wouldn't make a difference to your day. It would be absolutely fine. like you work in social media like i think i think you'll be all right you know just you can have a pop tart mate it wouldn't make a difference to your day it'd be absolutely fine yeah it really

helps me get through the day you know i last till lunch on porridge it's like you're not a hod carrier you don't you've got nothing to do yeah you're totally right i just also it's this weird sort of still british thing where people almost feel connected to the war even if they weren't alive there they're like oh it's it's great you know it's what our forefathers ate and you know it gets us gets us through like blitz spirit eat some porridge i just think it's so dreadful yeah i also from a personal point i get quite annoyed with you know there's things that you like that you can't make consistently like i love martinis but i'm not great at making them at home sometimes i'll nail it i'll do exactly the same next time yeah and it will come out undrinkable and i think

porridge there's a similarly fine line even though it's far less exciting than a martini but it's that thing of like oh it's just claggy shit today but yesterday it was quite nice and that's just annoying to have to deal with so yeah i completely agree yeah i look i have made porridge in the past but i'll make it with you know i'll make it with milk or i'll make it with something nice it's the fact that people do use water and then i'll put some nice stuff on top of it put some peanut butter on top of it put a you know some berries all of that stuff that works and you do feel wholesome while you're eating porridge you do think i'm doing something good for my body But just the sort of prison food of plain porridge just makes me absolutely miserable.

Yeah, there's a reason why every time you see a prisoner in a film, what they're eating looks like porridge, basically. Yeah, it's gruel. It's just gruel. Please, sir, can I have some more? Terrible. Fair enough. And you'll be needing something to wash that down with. What's your drink choice full fat coke oh really interesting okay what's what's your thoughts on that well

there's there's a few reasons firstly um i'm type 1 diabetic so full fat coke is uh i will use it in a medical situation uh if i'm in a bind so if my blood sugar goes low, I normally carry around these sweets with me that do the job quickly. But if I don't have any of those, I found myself just before I go on at gigs, occasionally having to ask someone at the bar for half a Coke. So to me, it tastes like I'm in a situation

where I just need to get my blood sugar up quickly. That's what it reminds me of. Also, I just think it always tastes like the inside of a can it just it just tastes like the can and i know some people love full fat coke like they can't bear diet coke but i just think we've got diet coke we've got coke zero which tastes a bit similar to normal coke why do we need full fat coke anymore get rid of it i think yeah i mean i don't i don't drink any of the variants very much it's very rare I have fizzy drinks.

I think I would go to a full fat Coke in a serious hangover scenario, like if I'm far from home and I just need something. Yeah. It seems to have a medicinal property like that. But the idea of drinking it all the time, like, you know, I'll have it that once and I'm like, okay, that's enough for a long time. I just feel so furry you know furry of tooth you know and uh and a bit sort of jittery and weird and yeah you can feel it taking the

enamel off your teeth when you drink it i just i just don't know why it exists anymore i think we have we have upgrades that don't do all of the serious damage that coke does and apart from the fact i think there is now a ruling where they have to label artificial sweeteners as carcinogens. But putting that aside, they taste way better than full fat Coke. And then obviously Buzz is going to love it because it's another American symbol.

I'm sure Mickey loves to have a Coca-Cola. Yeah, yeah. I think Jared will be insulted at the very idea of there being Coke or something. He probably makes his own cola out of branches or something. Yeah. I think, yeah, I mean, it's weird because it does feel like you're drinking something quite corrosive in a way that other, you know,

and people say that you can use it to clean stuff, can't you? Like, you know, drop a penny in it and it's like you've put it in Sillit Bang. It's like comes out sparkling and new. So why are we selling this to people why why are we selling this to people to drink when we've all seen those videos of putting you can put a tooth in cola for like a month and it completely dissolves you're like you're letting people put this in their mouths yeah it's a dreadful drink yeah it is yeah i don't know i just think i would get very tired of it very quickly on a night especially when it's a bit warm and you've got and also you've got it with

porridge as well like like there's so different in in sort of appearance i think as well one thing we always have on this podcast is often something that's very close to the thing you love is worse than something completely different so if you are a fan of coke zero diet coke having the full fat one there is just going to piss you off even more yeah i think you're absolutely right it's yeah it's when you imagine going into a bar i mean i i'd never complain about this but asking for a diet coke and they say is diet pepsi okay i'm i'm fine with that but some people get absolutely raging and i think the even worse version of that is oh you can have the thing that you like but it tastes way worse and also it might kill you okay well i think that's a good food and drink choice

um so we're going to move on to the next section because fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why so i've only seen this film once obviously because i did absolutely hate it there's a couple of reasons why i hate it firstly the film itself which i thought was a pile of shit from beginning to end and secondly it was so critically acclaimed and it completely blew my mind it felt like such a disconnect um and uh the film is drive uh starring ryan gosling

which people went absolutely fucking bananas for including a lot of my friends whose opinion i normally respect i went to see it and i just thought it was absolute pap it was i don't think anyone talked anyone talks for the first 40 minutes or something. And you just get these brooding looks and then a sudden moment of horrific violence. And I just thought it was so up its own arse. Like there was no one was having a laugh making that film. It just seemed completely serious, completely like it felt like they were making a statement, like they were going, this is cinema.

And I absolutely hate that. i completely agree and because i remember being very frustrated when that came out because it made such a sort of stir and everyone was like yeah it's brilliant so stylish ryan gosling's brilliant and i remember sort of watching it and for a while you're like you know because i quite like that sort of slow electronic soundscape thing. And I was like, yeah, this is cool. And you're like, I think this is cool. I think this might be shit. I think this might be shit. I don't know what's happening. I don't like anyone in it.

What? And then people are like, oh, no, actually, there's this sort of idea that he's actually an android. So what? They make it a film about robots. What is this film? It's really, I think I don't like anything that doesn't have a gl it a film about robots. What is this film? It's really... I think I don't like anything

that doesn't have a glimmer of humour about it. And that's what I felt about that film. And any film that seems to be positioning itself as a classic, it seems to be saying, oh, this is the new classic film. I had a similar issue with the film Climax. I don't know if you've seen Climax.

I haven't, no. It's... Oh, what's his fucking name? He does all sorts of films like this. issue with the film Climax. I don't know if you've seen Climax. I haven't, no. What's his fucking name? He does all sorts of films like this. But there's a lot of dance in it and it's just very like, it's clearly making a statement and saying like, we're serious filmmakers. And I don't like that at all. I think you need to have at least one wink to the audience. You need to show that you can have a laugh, even if the film's very serious. Yeah, I mean, I just thought it

looked fantastic and it sounded great. But, I mean, after that, you're like, you know, we just sort of have a husk here, you know, because everything looks nice and Ryan Gosling's very cool. You know, I think sometimes like someone being so cool, just sort of you just forget that there's no

structure or substance to it because you're like, wow, what a cool jacket. I'd like that jacket. It was sort of designed to sell jackets, really. Well, that's the other annoying thing. I love a nice jacket, you know, and I've got a few sort of like satiny ones with stuff on the back and it happens less now, but fucking hell,

you could not wear a nice jacket for like two years after that film came out of people up someone thinks he's ryan gosling over here it's not even this that was a gold jacket with a scorpion this is this is black it's but shut up leave my jacket jackets i hadn't even thought about that it ruined nice jackets for at least two years yeah i just it's like chewing gum, that film. There's flavour to it at the beginning, and then it all just dissipates immediately. So, yeah, that film made me actively angry.

Yeah, and it's kind of like nothing happens, nothing happens. God, this is horrifically violent. Oh, OK, nothing happens. I reckon Jared will have some stories, like he auditioned for it or something. Oh, sure. He turned it down, I'd imagine. Yeah.

Or like, oh, I would have done it, but, you know, like I was on tour with, I don't know if I've told you about my band, 30 Seconds to Mars. Yeah, yeah. Buzz is like, it takes longer than that. Yeah, I recommended Ryan. Yeah, he owes me one. Sure.

Yeah, okay. I would like to see mickey mouse watching dry watching the bit where the person gets their head absolutely smashed apart in the lift because mickey would be horrified wouldn't he oh goodness you just imagine like a really sad mickey like a couple of weeks later like is he okay? Have you checked on Mickey today? He still hasn't eaten, he's porrished. Mickey, you okay? Leave me alone!

Why would you do that to another human being? Yeah, I hadn't even thought of the fact that Mickey would be on the island but just still have his whole world view with him, you know, just like really scared of everything. Oh, man, that's so sad, isn't it? Thinking about that.

Break his spirit. I quite like that. But I'm really glad you picked this because it's been annoying me for years and I'd sort of almost forgotten about it. But yeah, it was like, people just wouldn't hear a bad word about it. And it's like, can't you see what's happening?

It's like Emperor's New Clothes. It's like, come on, people. Yeah, because no one talks about it anymore. No. So everyone was like, this is amazing. It's my film of the year. It's absolutely incredible. It's going to hold up for decades.

No one mentions that film anymore because they all realised and then they secretly moved on. Yeah, definitely. I think you're right. They all moved on to Joker. And what's your song choice? My song choice, this was the easiest one,

Dancing in the Moonlight by Top Loader. Okay, yes, yes. Now, we have had this before and rightly so, but I think it always deserves, you know, we need to remind people about it, basically. What are your thoughts on that? Well, I think it came out at a time when I was at school and everyone was getting into music.

I think we were sort of that age. And I was very specific with the sort of music I liked. I was a big new metal guy moving into sort of general heavy metal. And a lot of my friends all loved Dancing in the Moonlight by Top Loader. And it was so widespread, that song. You could not get away from that song for at least a couple of years. And again, it's almost like the mickey mouse of songs it's just unnecessarily peppy and you know good-natured and but there's nothing to it whatsoever it's just fluff i really really hated it and i think it was the fact it was played so much as well

and the fact that my friends loved it and they were like, yeah, we love it. These girls we know really like it as well. We love dancing to it. And it was all like, it was sort of the soundtrack to that awful pubic time. And it really upset me. Yeah. I think it sounds like it should have been a theme tune for something, but then, you know, like, like the Rembrandts and friends, it's like, it's really weird that it's its own song

and it isn't just something that was a theme tune and then got released somehow because the TV show did well, you know. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good point. Or it feels like it should be on an advert for, like, bad wine. Mm. Yeah. Like, yeah, sort of, you know.

Like a Lambrini or something. Something like that. Yeah, Lambrini or, like, sort of Jacob's Creek or something of people, like, yeah lambrini or like a sort of um jacobs creek or something of people like dancing on a beach in the summer and they're all having shit rose yeah yeah dance in the moonlight with jacobs creek also and i don't want to be that guy but the fucking lead singer's hair really annoyed me it was massive massive curly hair and he was i'm a fun guy wiggling my hair around. No,

stop it. Yeah. Cause it's weird. Like there's this sort of like, you know, you're at school and people start bands. It's like, Oh,

we're really into Nirvana. We're starting a grunge band. Cool. Okay. We're going to start a metal band. And then it's like, what are you, you're sort of starting a band for adults to enjoy.

Is that what your thing is? You know, or like, it's like you're the weird sort of 14 year old who's kind of got a weirdly canny sense of commercial now you know like what will do well in the charts it's like who i just find people who start bands like that really suspicious you know yeah i it's wet like wet indie was it and there was a real there was a real uh trend for that at the time i mean look i didn't coldplay not my sort

of thing i didn't mind the first album and they've obviously gone on to do you know massive things and they play huge shows and they clearly put a lot of work into it but it was the top loader coldplay keen era of stuff that really used to upset me because at least you know we had like the strokes we had the libertines and again not necessarily my sort of thing, but at least they had a bit of edge to them and they felt a bit dangerous. Whereas the sort of Radio 2 indie bands were just, they were aiming their stuff at a very sort of comfortable, middle-class dad, really.

Mums and dads, something for the mums and dads to enjoy together. Hated it. Yeah, it's terrible and it's the way it sort of has that little opening bar so it's almost like an alert like a like a little phone ringtone like bam bam bam bam bam bam and you're like oh god you know it's starting and people still play it at weddings and stuff yeah and it's one of those people try and get you to dance soon like i'm not being a prick but i am not fucking dancing it makes me feel ill i'm not going anywhere near that yeah one of the worst jobs i ever had was um it was like working for a big trucking company i

only did it for four days because it was 12 hour shifts i had to get up at like four in the morning drive an hour down the motorway to their big depot and then do a 12 hour shift in their office and then drive home again it was in their office and then drive home again it was just soul destroying and at the time they were just listening to like commercial radio all the time like a local heart station or something and so they played dancing in the moonlight about eight times a day anyway and then there was an advert or like a piece of programming that they ran also ran about eight times a day with one of the presenters singing dancing in the moonlight badly so the combined effect of like this awful office job like in the middle of the motorway somewhere off a junction on the m1 like listening to that 16

times a day with loads of awful people who just wouldn't speak to you because you're a temp i was like this is just like i think so you know when you're like i think i am living in a simulation now and yeah i don't need to get out of it i just need to know what i've done wrong and how i get out of this situation you know yeah but the simulation's broken because it keeps playing the same music over and over again yeah i need to game it you know i'm happy to not take the the red pill or whichever pill it means that you wake up in a vat of goo. Let's keep the illusion going. But this is too harsh.

I haven't deserved this. I've just left college. I don't want to be here. Let's just turn it up a bit. Come on. But yeah, I guess that's the thing about when a song's so overplayed like that was that whilst some people have very good memories of it because it soundtracks an awesome part of their life, equally, there will be a lot of people for whom it soundtracked the lowest moment of

their life so there's going to be a lot of people out there who hate that song and i just it's just so weak so weak and wet and i can't believe people still play it and i don't know if the top load is still together i reckon that song was so successful that i'm sure they can still get gigs off the back of that alone. I would say the nostalgia circuit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Really, really bad stuff from them actually. Yeah. The only way I found to get through it is there's a bit in the film for lions where they're all sort of dancing along to it. And that for a moment made me feel okay about the song. And if I kind of imagine them in the van on the way to commit jihad, like dancing to, you know, dancing in the moonlight, then I kind of imagine them in the van on the way to commit jihad like dancing

to you know dancing in the moonlight then I'm like oh maybe I've got a soft spot for it but if it's anything outside of that small window of the film can't stand it but the only reason that works as a scene is because the song is is bad and was everywhere yeah if it was a good song it'd be that would be very poignant that moment but it's funny because it's such a ridiculously bad song for them to be dancing to also and I've only just realised this I didn't do this deliberately Dancing in the Moonlight comes on

who's going to start piping up with his story again yeah yeah an interesting thing about Moonlight of course I danced in the Moonlight I danced on the Moon Yeah, an interesting thing about moonlight. Of course, I danced in the moonlight. I danced on the moon. Oh, God, shut up, Buzz.

Technically, it's the sunlight. Even when you're on the moon, the moon is just reflecting. OK, I get the physics of it. And then I'd spin round and go, yeah, is that what Kubrick told you to say? How is the flag blowing, Buzz? Then I'm getting punched in the face. Jared Leto hears the conspiracy from over the other side of the island,

sprinting across. Linens flapping in the wind. Yeah, dreadful. Oh, fabulous. Okay, well, Ed, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

I mean, I'm sure you've had this before, because if you've done 200 episodes, you've probably covered most of the animals. Horses. Horses, yes. I think they have been on, but I can't remember who's picked them. But yeah, I'm not keen on them myself. What's your thoughts on a horse?

Well, they're too big for a start. I just think, why does a horse need to be that big i think they're they're weird and muscly as well i hate that i hate the shape of them i think if they had bigger brains they could probably take over so they creep me out uh quite often they're narcs and they work with the police like people are out trying to have a good time and suddenly one of the horses rocks up with a copper on the back i don't like i don't like that they they clearly they'll just do whatever they're told um they stink quite often as well are they hairy or are they shiny they need to

make their mind up um the lads have got massive dicks, obviously, which sort of weirdly, any animal dick like that that retracts sort of in and out of his body is horrible. They should be destroyed. And also I'm allergic to them. You're allergic to horses. Very allergic to horses, which I found out a few years ago when I was filming something and I had to ride a horse.

Well, we went to a rodeo first and then I had to ride a horse through the sort of Tex of texan texan countryside and uh i started to gain very very short of breath and you can actually uh when you watch the show you can hear me even though we're filmed from the distance i'm just all going because i'm very very allergic to them so there's there's many many reasons why i hate horses i think they're creepy as well i don't like the sounds they make yeah for a minute i thought you're gonna like oh you're allergic to horses yeah well I was learning to play the violin and the bow came into contact with my skin um yeah they're too big and powerful to be as stupid as they are I think yes you know sort of like if you're gonna breed something that powerful make

it a bit smarter because I just don't trust. Like going anywhere near the like rear half of a horse, I think is terrifying. Cause you see the power in that leg. And you see like blacksmiths on telly, you know, when you're little on blue pieces, like, and this is how they change a horse or whatever.

And you're like, how are you, how are you just going up to its giant leg, lifting it up, scraping it off and then just banging some metal into it and how are they just standing i'd be like oh god i tell you what this will feel great once i've got this metal thing nailed to my foot like what's going on and sometimes they do just flip out like they like and if one kick one kick in the chest and you're dead from a horse oh they're terrifying

yeah i really really don't like them it's always a weird thing that, like, because I was talking to someone about this recently, and they were saying how, like, cars are such a blokey thing. But a horse is, you know, it's like nature's car. But, like, it's seen as quite a girly thing to be into. When they're, like, these big, terrifying things, I guess, you know, you can sort of brush them a lot and plait their hair and that kind of thing, so it fits into, like, a traditional sort of gender role for a young girl.

But it just feels weird. Like they're just these terrifying, scary monster things. Yeah, that's the stereotype, isn't it? That it's somehow a more sort of feminine pursuit riding a horse or the pursuit of tiny men. Like it seems weird to me that such a big and terrifying creature, you're going to pair that with some of the smallest men on the planet. It's not a fair fight, is it, if something goes wrong?

And in some, I was watching a documentary about Mongolia and they're really, you know, they put their kids on horses from the time they can walk and they're amazing natural horsemen. And then when they have like their local horse races, they put children on them and they're amazing natural horsemen and then when they have like their local horse races they put children on them because they're even lighter it's like small man or big child i mean like this they just let them hoon off into the distance exactly if you that's the lightest thing to do just stick a lego man on something just don't use humans yeah i just think why why horses yeah i'd never be able to relax if they were everywhere no

it'd be scary wouldn't it if they're just walking around like all on the beach and stuff on the desert island yeah you just don't know when like they sort of seem so chilled most of the time until they're not and then they're just far too massive and angry so yeah yeah it's definitely an unsettling choice and i think is uh it's a very fitting end to a superb collection of people and things on your island, Ed. You've done a great job. And, yeah, I just can't stop thinking about the interplay of them all. So, yeah.

So, well done. It is hell, isn't it? I have created hell, I think. But, I mean, in terms of the brief, you've nailed it. Oh, good. created hell i think but i mean in terms of the brief you've nailed it so uh yes but look let's try and uh distract you from all of the the awful things you've you've grouped together on the island uh yeah tell us a bit more about your what you're up to at the minute so you've got the book coming out in october and uh tour dates as well yes the book's available for pre-order now uh if

you pre-order it from waterstones you get a signed copy, but it's available from most book places, I think. Glutton, The Multicourse Life of a Very Greedy Boy by me, Ed Gamble. I'm touring next year. We haven't announced the dates yet, but if you go on my website and join my mailing list, edgamble.co.uk, you'll get the jump on that. But very excited about that going all over the place in the uk again um off many podcasts i do a radio x show with matthew crosby

i do the taskmaster podcast there's plenty there's plenty of things happening find me on instagram and you'll see all the shit i'm up to there's a lot of content and it's just there waiting for you to to dive into like shovel, like horrifying horse shit. Brilliant. Well, Ed, thank you so much for joining us today on Desert Island Dicks. It's been a real pleasure.

Thanks for having me. I've hated thinking about it. Well, now you are free. So I hope it will be cathartic in the end. Thank you very much. Ed Gamble there and thanks again to him for coming on the podcast. Now, as ever, if you want to get involved in the podcast, then do send us your submissions for who and what you'd hate to be stuck with on the island.

It can be one choice from our usual categories, you know, person, song, film, food, drink, animal, or you can send us all of your thoughts if you want. If you want one from all the categories, that's fine. You can even go freestyle and pick something outside of the normal categories, like if you hate your friend's shoes, for example. You can email us at dixpod.com slash contact, and we'll feature it in our next episode of Compact Dix, which is our listener-sourced sister podcast.

Desert Island Dix was a Sink Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon. It was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. Shout to Chris Attaway, who gives us occasional edit support and is wonderful and as always a big shout out to John Deacon the big man and this time I'd like to give a special extra mention to John Peeler he's a tattoo artist that I just got a tattoo off and I've got a big tattoo from him last year as well and I wanted to give him a shout out here because I think he's

brilliant basically. If you're looking for a really sound artist who's really good at loads of styles as well as having a really unique style in his own right then do look him up. He works a lot at a shop called I Love Good Times in Hackney in London but he does spots elsewhere as well. You can find him on Instagram at Peeler or just Google John Peeler. That's J-O-N, short for Jonathan. I'm not getting paid for this or anything, but I was just really happy with the work he did. I think he's a really nice guy

and I thought it would be nice to give him a shout out. So there you go for all your tattoo needs. Now that's done. Don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and I will be back soon with some more desert island dicks thank you so much for listening bye bye