Desert Island Dicks - ED NIGHT

Episode Date: February 1, 2018

For this week's Desert Island Dicks, I'm joined by Edinburgh Comedy Award nominee, Ed Night. Be sure to follow us on twitter and facebook @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ed Knight. Hi, thanks for having me. How are you doing, Ed? You all right? Yeah, I'm fine. How are you? Yeah, I'm absolutely fine, thanks. We were just talking about your route here and it sounds like a very lovely route. Yeah, standard, mate.

It's just standard. 11 minutes late for Southern Rail. I read some of Ant and Dec's autobiography, joint autobiography, in the little sort of £1 charity train station library. Oh, nice, yeah. Brilliant book. Gold. I was pissed at myself laughing. It's Oh, nice, yeah. Brilliant book. Gold.

I was pissed at myself laughing. It's called, like, What a Lovely Pair. Lies. Like, of tits, do you get it? I get it, yeah. Yeah, it's really, really funny. Brilliant. Ed, shall we jump in?

Who's going to be your first choice? First, Dick, number one. George Orwell. George Orwell? Yeah, George Orwell. Okay, tell me,. George Orwell? Yeah, George Orwell. Okay, tell me, why George Orwell? He's just a smug cunt. Yeah.

Well, I low-signed up for the smug cunt slot. Yeah. And I ended up picking two. Okay. The first smug prick is George Orwell. I hate him. Why George Orwell, though? All right, so I read Animal Farm.

Didn't really have an issue with it. It was just, like, fine. Read, like, the first half of 1984. Got bored. Fine. I was, like, 15. And then a few years ago, a friend, a lovely friend, not his fault, by any means,

he gave me a book called Books Versus Cigarettes. It's a book of essays by George Orwell. Right. And the titular essay, he makes the argument that people don't read that much in the 1930s or whenever the fuck it was.

People don't read that much because books are expensive. So he tallies up how much he spends on cigarettes and how much he spends on books. And his conclusion is basically if poor people gave up cigarettes, they could afford books and be as clever as me, which is such a stupid, stupid thing from someone that can afford both.

I've had not enough money even for cigarettes before, and Animal Farm isn't a fucking... That's not a tonic for that. It's not a methadone, you know? It doesn't work. I don't want to read your fucking dumb shit. There's absolutely no perspective. And the fact that it's been lauded so much,

despite what is, in my view, like a clear downside, is baffling to me. There's so many people who've gone, if they quit smoking, it's like, well, if you fucking go and do 19 hours in the mines, oh, well, you cunt.

If you want to read one of your shitty books. And granted, I haven't read enough. I'm not sure. I'm not knowledgeable enough to argue, but it didn't stop Orwell, did it? No. But some people would say he was one of the greatest writers of all time. They're fucking wrong.

Right? Yeah, I don't like how much his phrases he coined and stuff get bandied about. What phrases? Something like thought police, Orwellian, big brother, all that stuff. Right, yes. Obviously Animal Farm and 1984, although again, I haven't read all of 1984, shut up. About totalitarian states, everyone's describing oh it's really Orwellian nowadays and I'm like no it isn't you idiot

it's the exact opposite of what he thought it was going to be and it's the same bad stuff but under the complete opposite conditions are there not some similarities? there are some similarities

but it's not like people often use the term maybe this is just in comedy, where offence is like the hot button issue. People often use the term four legs good, two legs bad to describe PC culture or whatever. Right, OK. It's just completely not the same.

Because it's like a small group of opinionated people online where everyone of every opinion has a platform. Yes, yeah, yeah. It's not one pig in charge. For sure. You know? Yeah, yeah. So he's wrong about that.

Yeah. Down and Out in Paris and London fucks me off and all. Why is that? I've read a bit of that. Have you ever read Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller? No. So lots of people say it's like the first post-modern novel, the best novel

of the 20th century. Fucking bullshit, alright? I read it and the person that recommended it to me was like oh, you must read it in Paris. You must read it in Paris. Well, yeah, I'll just fuck off to Paris then to read it. No one's doing that. No, no one's doing that and the quotes on the cover

saying how great it was, it's basically a book about a guy twatting about in Paris being a writer in the 20s. And the quotes saying how good it was are from Orwell and Samuel Beckett to other people who spent a considerable amount of time twatting about in Paris. It's like someone writing a book

about what it's like to be a croaky stand-up comedian. Yeah. And being like, this is really, this is the best book of the century. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah.

So, no self-awareness at all. Mm. George Orwell goes in. Who's going to be your second choice for your Desert Island Dicks? Russell Brand. Russell Brand. And this one, I do actually have many, many reasons. Lay it out there.

So I worked at the book launch for his book Reluvtion, Revolution. That was around the time. I love that you worked on it, but you're still not sure exactly what it was called. I don't think fucking anyone was, because of the weird font. I worked at the book launch. It was around the time that he was telling everyone not to vote, and he did Messiah Complex.

And there was a poster for a film he made which features him standing 50 feet tall above London. And he was doing the trues and stuff. Yeah. Like he thinks he's fucking Orwell or something like that. I know, yeah. And I did this book launch and it was just so like, it was in the most sort of Route 1 gentrification kind of warehouse in Hackney.

And the queue, there were people handing out flyers in the queue, people from, I think it was Hackney, but people from the area handing out flyers protesting gentrification and council's moves to, and they all got kicked out. There was a fucking guy, I was waiting about five minutes for a urinal. There was guy standing there he wasn't pissing he was checking his phone he was wearing he was wearing odd bike shoes oh what a cunt mismatched but like the ones the

little fucking clips on the bottom you're painting a real picture of this experience and this was around the time he was telling people not to vote, right? One of the attractions at this event, the book launch, was a group of award-winning school kid debate teams, like 16-year-olds or whatever, were debating whether or not we should vote. And it was like a fucking pantomime. All the hipsters in the crowd were booing the side that these fucking children that had been given that half of the motion

saying we should and that it was a duty and stuff. And then the debate on the motion saying we should and that it was a duty and stuff. And then they just... The debate on whether or not we should vote culminated in a vote to see who won. Oh, wow. Guess who fucking won? It was absolutely horrific. When you say one of the attractions,

what else was going on? I can't remember. At the time, I was working with one of the bands that was playing, and that's why I was there. Okay, right. That's it. For a book launch to have that and bands playing, it sounds quite, I don't go to a lot of book launches,

but that sounds quite the event. Extravagant. It sounds like turd decoration is what it sounds like to me. It's like, let the fucking book speak for itself you know yeah the ideal book launch is you just for me right what you do is you just get one copy of the book just leave it on a pavement somewhere and if it's if it's fucking if it's good enough someone pick it up really go fucking hell and just start pointing people your way right if you've got to have fucking bands and a debate and a fucking shed in shoreditch and it's

sorry mate yeah shit book okay yeah in my opinion um russell brand did this series once uh called rebrand did you ever see this i didn't see it oh my goodness you're gonna have a field day i mean if you can bring yourself to watch it all of it I think is on YouTube but it's like Russell Brand trying to find his feet in like presenting, it was like a really early series that might have been on, it was on a very small production company, maybe it ended up on channel 4 or something at the time

or on E4 or one of these things and it's Russell Brand like experiencing different things and in one episode he sets it up that's one of the episodes, humility fucking better be one of the episodes of humility. Fucking better be. One of the episodes is him and his dad.

He says, in this episode, I'm going to fight my dad, right? And him and his dad both train boxing, and it ends in him and his dad just, like, beating each other up in a boxing ring. But the great thing about it is you get to see his dad land loads of good punches on Russell Brand. And if you can bring yourself to watch some of it, that is well worth it. I should have done this years ago.

Yeah. Man, the amount of victory I have for that man is... Where does Russell Brand feel like he can go about saying things like, don't vote everyone? Do you know what I mean? You have to have a real belief in what you're saying, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also just add ooky-wook to the end of words

and people just do whatever you say. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking crazy if you think about it. It is crazy. This guy just... He interviewed Ed Miliband. Yeah. What the fuck?

What the... Who let that happen? I know. How did we get that far? I know, it's crazy, isn't it? I remember sort of all that was happening. I was like in my last year of school and I was like, well, this is the future.

But, okay, yeah. But then, so him having that really strong opinion, but then like so many outlets just giving him air time to tell everyone not to vote it's quite a you know if you think about it it's quite an extreme thing to like let someone go on on there and tell the nation that they shouldn't be voting such a dangerous thing to do as well it's mad isn't it luckily for us there was another general election two years later yeah uh and and the fact that afterwards he said if I recall he said I was wrong

you should have voted do you not remember this? I don't remember it at all just being angry as fuck just thinking what the fuck oh man I sometimes wonder if you take one of Russell Brand's stand up DVDs

and take out all the repeated words or words that he's added, ibly-obly, to the end of, how much it would shorten it by. What he does is he takes a haiku, puts it on the wall, and then just starts chucking alphabet spaghetti at it. Bam.

See if I can make an hour out of this. Yeah, or if you could take that and see how long it would be, you could probably do a DVD in itself of him just using oobly-woobly words on the end of things or whatever he does he's like he's like hannibal isn't he he's insane in my opinion yeah obviously you know, of course. Anything else on Russell Brand before we leave Russell Brand there on the island? Nah.

Nothing you can say here? Nah, he's all right. Blank, actually. So Russell Brand goes on, and who's going to be your third choice? Tom Holland. Tom Holland, yeah. But not for the reasons you think.

Okay. Okay. If people don't know, explain who Tom Holland is. Tom Holland. Tom Holland, yes. But not for the reasons you think. Okay. Okay. If people don't know, explain who Tom Holland is. Tom Holland is Spider-Man. Yeah. Spider-Man. Ex-Billy Elliot. He was Billy Elliot. Now Spider-Man. Which, you know, if his dad was upset at him being

a ballet dancer, wait until he sees the Spider-Man costume. You know? Boom, boom. Fucking hell. Anyway, alright, so the reason Tom Holland

would be on the desert island, purely for my own frustration. Yeah, okay. Because I imagine, like, for me and him, it would be like a Keenan and Kel type scenario,

where he'd just be sort of faultlessly loving and happy and positive and i would get increasingly angry not at what he was doing but because like he was acting as like a tabula rasa or a mirror for my own sort of shortcomings okay yeah so like so you know when you're a kid right when i was a kid i was like When I was a kid, I was like the prime age. I'm 22 now. I was the prime age for the Sam Raimi Spider-Man films. Right.

Still the best superhero films, in my opinion. Okay. Not aged very well, arguably. But Spider-Man 2, still brilliant. Yeah. IMO. I haven't seen it for a while, though, so I'm quite on that.

Okay, yeah. I was the perfect age for those films. Saw them in the cinema. Used to pretend to be Spider-Man. When I was a kid, I always just assumed that one day I would be Spider-Man. Really?

Obviously. Everyone just, not like playing. Yeah, yeah. In real life. Yeah, yeah. But you know when you're a kid and you go, well, yeah, obviously I'm going to be a Jedi.

Mine was Batman. Yeah, yeah. We all had that. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, well, yeah, naturally I'm going to be Spider-Man.'s batman yeah yeah yeah obviously yeah yeah so i was like well yeah naturally i'm going to be spider-man you know because you're a kid and the world revolves around you and then all of a sudden they're making a new spider-man film that's interesting not only are they making a new spider-man film the kid that got cast he's like we're from similar backgrounds right old tommy h not like super similar but we grew up in the same area but here's i think there's like i think he's from richmond is it something like that yeah maybe yeah

but like if i look at his life and i think it's feasible enough that like say for example you were nominated for an oscar yeah with uh monsters inc right right if you nominated for a monster with monsters inc and like schindler's list one you'd be like well that's fine because it's not like we can't compare the two of these say you're nominated with monsters inc and monsters versus aliens one right yeah well what could i have done better because that was that's within my reach now yeah so when tom holland got cast as Spider-Man, suddenly my whole world came crashing down. Because it could have been you.

Because an impulse that I hadn't addressed since I was five suddenly came lurching into the future to kick me in the ass. And I was like, you're never going to be Spider-Man. This kid's younger than you. It was like the first time that I ever saw Marcus Rashford play football. Because it was the first time I was consciously aware of a football player being much younger than me and i was like i'm gonna be dead soon and tom holland's younger than me as

well yeah so that's what it is purely my own neuroses yeah because it's like he's you know he's yeah yeah he's just done really well for himself and you could have just done it and it's something you want it's so bad all my yeah it's it, it turns out it was doable. Whenever any musician that can't particularly sing and is younger than me comes through, I just think to myself, I should have just had a go. Do you know what I mean? I should have just left the bedroom, but I didn't, and here we are on this podcast.

That sounds like a song by one of those people. I should have just left the bedroom, brackets, but I didn't, and here we are on this podcast. That sounds like a song by one of those people. I should have just left the bedroom, brackets, but I didn't, and here we are on this podcast, close brackets. Could have been, yeah. With Tom Holland, right? Yeah. Tom Holland, all of his brothers are actors and stuff as well, right? I think his whole family are actors.

Right. So I feel like it was just en route. Yeah. I don't know it was he he probably had an easy in with being spider-man well yeah yeah i don't know maybe well the way i am i'll just the fact that he is spider-man is a personal failure of mine okay not a success of his you know and then also we were on a desert island together. And then when the search party turns up,

it's like, I know who they're there for. Yeah. Holland's Twitter's been quiet for a few days. Oh, no. They'll turn up and go, oh, great Spider-Man.

Oh, look who it is. Look who's got it. Nominated? Nah. Tom Holland, anything else on Tom Holland before we leave him on the island

I'm sure he's a lovely boy yeah I think if I recall correctly he's one of those like celebrities that goes to children's hospitals

oh man dressed as the character it just makes you feel so much worse yeah no no no it's like fucking just slagging off

good people so no it's not he honestly seems like a lovely person not like Brand like if I was on a desert island with Brand I not he honestly seems like a lovely person not like Brand like if I was on a desert island

with Brand I imagine I'd make like a desert island wife out of coconuts and bamboo and he'd fuck her while I wasn't looking

you know yeah he but Tom Holland it's more the fact that he he epitomises everything that you

you I'm not yeah but you wanted success yeah good looks loads of abs is everything that you... I'm not. Yeah, but you wanted. Success. Yeah. Good looks. Loads of abs.

No one needs that many abs. Yeah. Fucking Tom Holland abs, Holland. Okay, cool. We put Tom Holland on the island. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself

with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com.

Now, mercifully among the wreckages of the plane, there's some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I hate mayonnaise. Interestingly enough, in succession, last week's person hated mayonnaise as well.

Her name's Amy Vose. She's a radio presenter on Virgin Breakfast, and she hates mayonnaise. Fuck mayonnaise, man. Can't be doing it. This podcast is going to start some kind of movement, I feel like. Because since last week

other people have been coming out. What is it about mayonnaise that you hate so much? I don't know. Just the taste. Really? Yeah. I just don't know what it is.

I just hate the taste. I hate the smell. Have you always been like that? Yeah. Mayonnaise, pickles. Ah, so is it like a vinegary thing? Maybe it is a vinegary thing. Do you have vinegar on your chips?

Sometimes, yeah. Do you? I don't like... I like sauce. In Scotland, when you get sauce on your chips, I like that as well. I like... I just don't like capers.

I don't think I've liked stuff that's been pickled. I like Hellman's, mate. Like, jar mayonnaise. Other mayonnaises are available. I like an aioli Like can you have mayo So if you're buying a pre-packaged sandwich You're alright with the mayo

No If I'm getting a pre-packaged sandwich No mayo But weirdly Tuna mayo and egg mayo Can do that You can do it Yeah but not enough

There's got to be too much mayo So if it's like a mayo mix Like into other things You're fine It depends how much mayo there is. Okay, right. If it's like mayo on the bread, no fucking way. Getting a burger from McDonald's, no mayo.

Is there any other food that you have a similar hatred for? Pickles. Just pickles. Not a fan of tomatoes. Can you think of a specific time where, like when you were younger, where you had mayo and it was a bad experience for you? Um, no. It was just knowing straight away that it just wasn't for you?

Yeah, whereas, like, you know how sometimes you grow into foods? Mm. No, not for me. Not for me, man. I just hate it till I die, I think. Does it make it difficult for you... Yeah. ..when you're...

In life. When you're out and about trying to get lunch and you just can't have a man. It is a nightmare, mate. Is it? Loads of places just... It's like male town. Male city.

Marks and Spencers is a no-go zone for me. And also, all the purposefully non-male sandwiches are just fucking dog shit. Who wants just ham? No one wants just ham. No one wants just ham.

No one wants just ham. No way. I'm getting that. Looks like I'm having dry bread and a pat of butter again. Thanks Pret-a-Manger. What about when you are going out and buying your lunch, what are you going for then? I'm fond of a Tesco's meal

deal. But the little pastas have got mayo in, are they alright? Nah. Nah, mate. But what if it's mixed up? Whoever came up with pasta and mayonnaise is a philistine. Yeah. Potato salads are the same. Who's like, we need to preserve this? Let's chuck in this butter.

Can you imagine if you did the same thing with ketchup and like a different kind of salad? No, yeah. In the pasta, that's not good. Everyone would kick you off the boat. Mayo is creamier, though, isn't it? So is cream. Use cream.

Cream tastes of less stuff. Mayo's just offensive, you know? Do you like eggs? I'm a big fan of eggs. Oh, yeah, because mayo's a bit eggy. Mayo, as far as I'm aware, is mostly eggs. Yeah? Yeah.

So why not mayo? I don't know. Can you put your finger on mine? No, I can't even put my finger on any mayonnaise because it makes me feel sick. That's it? No. Is it a texture thing? The texture I don't like. I don't like the taste. It's like everything about it I don't like. On Twitter,

just before we leave Mayo, on Twitter people have started a movement called May-no. Really? Yeah, against Mayo. I have nothing against County Mayo in Ireland. Oh, yeah, OK. Nothing against County Mayo. County Mayo is fine. Yeah.

OK, cool. County Mayo. Mayno, that's great. Mayno, hashtag Mayno. But is that something about Theresa May or is that just about Maynos? Well, I think it was started because of last week's podcast. You know, it's a very small thing. It says a lot about the 21st century that probably the most appropriate hashtag

for expressing displeasure with the Prime Minister is being used as an anti-mayonnaise rallying cry. Started on a podcast by some comedians. So it's just fucking all put our VR headsets on and die. Maybe we'll just move it forward like that. Yeah. What's going to be your drink choice? Ruddles.

Ruddles. It tastes like petrol and it gives you a headache. Next. But many times I've been very, very skinned and thought to myself, I want to go out. I want to see some people and I want to have a drink. It's got me through on a tenner. Yeah, same.

Just have, I'd rather have half points than have's got me through on a tenner. Yeah, same. I'd rather have half pints than have Ruddles. Half pints or something else? Yeah. And have less time with people that you know? Half pints and not Ruddles and drink it slower. I don't think Ruddles is going to be anyone's favourite pint. Ruddles is like the Phantom Menace of beers.

Because every five years, I'll think it can't be as bad as I remember it is. And it is. That is so good. Thank you. So hypothetically, the plane crashes, you're on the island, right? And you open up the car as I hold, and you're like, oh, man, look at those barrels. I'm just going to see off the rest of my days,

just, like, drunk out of my mind. And then it's ruddles. Warm Ruddles. Make her empty the barrels. Make her raft. That's it. And then yeah he could just drown himself in the Ruddles. Okay. If I wanted to kill

myself on the island I think I'd probably look for other means of doing it before drowning myself in the Ruddles. Okay. Ruddles is going to go in there. Fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. Okay.

The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? I had a real hard time picking stuff. Okay. For this podcast, picking people.

Yeah. I don't really like being a nice boy. I don't really like being vitriolic. Yeah. I had a hard time picking stuff for this podcast, picking people. I don't really like being a nice boy. I don't really like being vitriolic. Yeah. Although you did have quite a lot of distaste for most of it. I did, yeah. So it's really, in the end, when someone says think of anything, it's really hard to think of something.

So I was trying to, film and song were probably, apart from all the others, were probably the hardest ones to do. But film, I just did one I saw recently Justice League Justice League I haven't seen it what goes on in Justice League so I heard that apparently it was supposed to be two films and then they decided to make it one film and then they decided to shorten it even more I went to see it at the cinema

and I really rarely go to the cinema because it's so expensive but I went with comedians Piano Valley Phil Wang and a couple of other lovely boys

and we watched Justice League because I'd heard mixed reviews but mixed like in the classical sense of mixed some people going

oh it's actually better than you think and it was fucking dull shit it was abysmal at the end there was a post credit scene and I was like

oh fucking great more film who wants that none of us did you deliberately stay to the end to watch it yeah were you the guy There was a post-credits scene. I was like, oh, fucking great, more film. Who wants that? None of us. Did you deliberately stay to the end to watch it? Yeah. What else have I got better than that? Were you the guy that told everyone

we should stay to the end because there's more? I was like, there might be a post-credits scene. You know, there's one of Darkseid's in it. No, I did not enjoy it. All over the place. Superman came back from the dead. Spoiler alert. He should have been fucking screaming.

Yeah. Instead of just, like, topless and fighting everyone with a really stern face on. He should have been Fucking screaming Yeah Instead of just like Topless and fighting everyone With a really stern face on He should have been horrified And like sort of Rocking back and forward On the floor Yeah

Because he's been dead Justice League I mean Or The Last Jedi Because those are the two films I've seen recently And you didn't like The Last Jedi

I hated The Last Jedi Why did you hate The Last Jedi Me and My friend Brilliant comedian Sid Singh, went to see it at midnight release together in Wimbledon. And we had people moving away from us on the bus back

because we were slagging it off so much. Oh, wow. Yeah. And they'd just been to see it as well? Yeah, yeah. They were like, yeah. That's properly mixed opinion. I really didn't like it.

Why did you hate it? Just it didn't feel like a Star Wars film. Right. I didn't feel like it treated the law with enough respect. But it just didn't seem coherent to me. The best way of summing it up, I can remember, is another comic Jake Baker pointed out to me. Spoiler alert, if you've not seen the film Stop listening now At the end

When Admiral Holdo lightspeeds into The Star Destroyer To blow it up She says Godspeed Instead of may the force be with you You've literally set up an entire thing Of seven, eight films Where the whole thing is that you say

May the force be with you when you do it. It was just lazy as fuck. It seemed like they weren't paying attention. That's really... I didn't notice that, but it's such a forgotten element that's really important. Such a huge thing. It just, like, characterised the whole thing for me.

Oh, wow. But I'm open to having my opinion changed because I desperately wanted to like it. I left there and I did feel entertained. I thought it was entertaining, but I think it was more kind of like I think it would work better as a stand-alone. I'm looking forward to his trilogy of films that he's been given.

Rian Johnson directed it. He's been given his own trilogy of Star Wars films. I'm looking forward to those because I think that when he doesn't have any existing stuff to adhere to, he'll be able to make some really, really good films. But when it's like, it just felt able to make some really, really good films. Yeah, right. But when it's like... It felt really disjointed to what had come before.

But again, obviously, Empire Strikes Back had a terrible... Well, not terrible, but mixed reception when it came out. And in hindsight. Yeah, it's proved to be one of the... Probably the most fondly remembered one. And we still haven't seen the third instalment yet. I mean, for me, for recent Star Wars, it's going to be hard push to beat Rogue One.

I loved Rogue One. I was just so... I just loved Rogue One. It was great. And what I loved so much about it is that it's just all encapsulating. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what happens next.

Do you know what I mean? It was so good. I loved it. It's good. I can't wait for the Han Solo film. And for the... Apparently they're doing an Obi-Wan Kenobi one. Are they? That was...

Spider-Man and Obi-Wan Kenobi was my two people. Yeah, okay. I loved Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah, it's cool. He was my guy. How did you get wind of this? I spend 90% of my working hours on the internet.

Do you? Yeah. Movie forums, you name it. Yeah, yeah. Yes, please. Just back to Justice League. Hello. It's quite rare nowadays that they'll take what would be two films

and condense it into one film, which shows you it must have been bad. Changed directors halfway through. Did it actually? Yeah it was by all accounts a fucking shit show and there's one bit in the film, spoiler alert if you've not seen Justice League there's a bit where Batman

goes to like some tiny like a Norse fishing village to recruit Aquaman and Aquaman's about to dive into the sea and fuck off into the sea again. I'm paraphrasing. Aquaman's about to fuck off into the sea.

And Batman's kind of, well, Bruce Wayne's kind of on the shore seeing him off saying, so what do you think about my offer to be in the Justice League? And Aquaman says, and there are loads of villagers standing behind Batman, and Aquaman says, and there are loads of villagers standing behind Batman, and Aquaman says something like, oh, I'm not going to dress up like a bat and piss about or something.

He basically acknowledges the fact that Bruce Wayne is Batman and then he fucks off into the sea. There are just loads of civilians around Bruce Wayne. Right, okay. Just to have witnessed him being outed as Batman and no one says anything about it. Oh, man. No one's like, cool. No one, no. I don about it. Oh, man. No one's like, cool.

No one. I don't care. Presumably. No one making it, no. In the narrative context, I'm never going to leave this fishing village. No. Yeah.

I find it hard to believe that one of us fishermen would have gone, fuck this. That fucking Arthur Curry's catching all the fish. We've got no work. We don't need boats because he can swim at a million miles an hour and talk to all the fish. We've got no work. We don't need boats because he can swim at a million miles an hour and talk to all the fish. I'm going to go to Metropolis.

I've just found out who Batman is. I can live like a king with this information. The money I'll get. Is this set in the present day? It is set in the present day. So anyone could have just jumped on Twitter and outweighed him as Batman. Yeah, yeah.

That's mad. Isn't that terrible? It's insane. But that's like my sort of smallest gripe with the film. But that epitomises the problems. Kind of, yeah. Piano Valley, the comic, explained the problem with the film really well

and with every film with Superman in it. It's like all the baddies sort of start beating people up and everyone's like, oh no, who can possibly overpower this person that's almost as strong as God? Oh, God. Yeah, alright, fine. Thanks. Shout out Pierre for that one. Thank you. Because it's so dumb. Because the whole thing

they're getting beaten up by the bad guys. Who do we know that can beat Superman? He fucked you all up earlier. Yeah, right. Yeah. Why are you letting him just be on a farm in Kansas? Oh man. It sounds so stupid. It was a fun experience.

It was one of those films where it was fun to watch slagging it off with other people in the cinema. I'll bet. Were you talking during the film? Oh, yeah. Were people around you getting annoyed? No, I was whispering. It was all the other people I was with laughing at my brilliant jokes. It was probably more annoying.

Are you going to get some material out of it? No. It was just a bad film. Okay, right. In my opinion. Justice League. What's going to be your song choice? I've been experiencing lots of buskers this past week.

So my song choice is any kind of twinkly country acoustic guitar cover of like a pop song. Right, yeah. Like Little Lion Man-esque. Yes, okay. Something where there's like a cadence or like a resolution where it's like... Like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I just hate that shit.

I hate it. And when they do like a sort of dramatic emotional pause like on a bit before they break into their verse or the chorus. When they're singing and they kind of tail off. So it's like... And then go off the mic in that way. Stamp the foot and just roll around. They're having so many emotions while they're singing

that they can't bear to keep on singing. Shut up. I feel like this is something that people have done forever, isn't it? Yeah. It's been done... Why do you feel like you've noticed it more recently? Unlike normal, where I do comedy, where I only travel at night, I've been doing a lot of travelling in busy areas

during peak commuter times. Right, OK. So the volume of buskers seen by me is higher than normal. Right, okay. Okay, so you've really noticed this problem. Yeah. Any songs other than that that really stand out to you? Little Lion Man.

That's the kind of typifies the kind of thing I'm talking about. Yes, okay. I have gripes with one song. Not with a song, with people's attitudes to a song. You know, on Tinder. I've never been on Tinder. Have you not? I've not, yeah. I've been with someone quite a long people's attitudes to a song. You know, on Tinder... I've never been on Tinder. Have you not? I've not, yeah.

I've been with someone quite a long time. Okay, fair enough. And I've never been on Tinder. I've never experienced internet dating. That's a good thing. So there's this thing on Tinder, right, where on your profile you can have your anthem, which is where you pick a song that you like

and then people can kind of get the measure of you. Like, buy the same... Really like buying the pictures in the bio. Is it called your anthem? Yeah, it's called your anthem. like by the pictures in the bio. Is it called your anthem? Yeah, it's called your anthem. On it? On it, yeah. Is it like your anthem then has your song?

Yeah, yeah. That's weird. That seems really embarrassing to me. Yeah, and I set my anthem as Snooker Loopy by Chaz and Dave. Snooker Loopy, that's all we Me and him and them and me We'll show you what we can do with a load of fools and a Snoop and Q.

Has that been a lot of success off the back of that? No, absolutely nothing. And everyone's like, what are you doing? It's like a fun... No-one else on Tinder will have Snoop and Loopy as their anthem. You're going niche, though. I think we need more skiffle, is what I'm trying to say. There's not enough skiffle going on. On Tinder? Just in general. OK, though. I think we need more Skiffle, is what I'm trying to say. There's not enough Skiffle going on.

On Tinder? Just in general. Okay, right. You want to bring back Skiffle? Bring back Skiffle, that's what I say. I mean, without Skiffle, we wouldn't have bands like Dr. Feelgood. Yeah, we wouldn't have bands like Chaz and Dave. And we wouldn't have The Beatles.

Yeah. The Beatles was a Skiffle thing at first, right? Maybe, yeah. Yeah, I think it was, yeah. Let's say they were. Let's say they were. Yeah. The Beatles was a skiffle thing at first, right? Maybe, yeah. Yeah, I think it was, yeah. Yeah. They started a skiffle band. Let's say they were. Yeah.

So were the Rolling Stones. The Quarrymen. That may or may not be true, but... Kanye West, I heard. Yeah. Skiffle first. As far as I remember. Do you not remember his first album?

Yeezy Skiffle. Yeah, Yeezy Skiffle, yeah. Where he gets round the old Joanna and plays Lily Marlene for his grandad. That's just a thing that I do. Blowing on a big jug. Yeah, playing a bass made out of a milk carton. Jay-Z's on the washboard.

And if anyone spots you on there, you know, hit Ed up on Tinder. Yeah, yeah. Especially if you're into skiffle. The good thing about having an anthem like Snooker Loopy is if someone does like it, you probably know they're the one. OK, yeah. Are you looking for the one on Tinder?

I'm just waiting for the first person to reference the fact that I've got Snooker Loopy as my anthem. How's your Tinder success? Just terrible. Are you going on many Tinder dates? I've never been on one. That's how bad. How long have you been on there?

Three years. Maybe you want to amplify your audience. Just change your song. Do you know what I mean? And then tell them when you meet them. Sorry, you're here under false pretenses. I'm actually into Snooker. It's not actually Shape of You by Ed Sheeran.

It's Snooker Lo loop by Chaz and Dave. What kind of songs are you seeing on there? What kind of stuff are you seeing? Mainly chart stuff. Right, okay. Rockstar by Pulse Malone. That gets a lot of... Right, okay.

Not as much Chaz and Dave as you'd think. Right, okay. A lot of kind of, yeah. Well, put those buskers in. Those buskers go in there. Yeah, fuck them. Jangly country covers of stuff. And finally, Ed...

Yeah, those jangly cunts. That's the way. That's not right. Sorry, yeah. And finally, Ed, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it?

Cats are pretty bad, but I love cats. Okay, go on. Cats are dicks, but I like them. Cats are dicks. Cats are dicks because they're just like, they just treat you like them. Cats are dicks. Cats are dicks because they're just like,

they just treat you like shit. Do you know what I mean? But they get all your love and affection. And I think subconsciously I deserve to be treated like shit. So cats. Cats are going to be... Sort of flagellated. It's like a mea culpa.

I just feel, yeah, I feel like a desert island. Got Russell Brand, George Orwell, chatting about how revolutionary they are. Tom Holland just shaking their hands and being really humble. Yeah. Floors covered in ruddles. The cats have got into the mayonnaise. I can see myself killing myself on that island.

Instantly. Podcast done. Just look round. No, I'm not here. Cats. Anything else about cats? No, I'm not here. Cats. Anything else about cats? No, I quite like them. Okay, fair enough.

But they do treat you like shit. Yeah, my cat treats me like shit, yeah. Oh, you've got a cat. I've got a cat. She hates me. I think I might be allergic to her. No Tinder, but you've got yourself a nice little cat. Yeah, a cat that ignores me.

Samuel Beckett wrote a short play called Roughs for Theatre One and it's about two survivors of a post-apocalyptical world. One's blind, one's in a wheelchair and they coexist but they're really ratty and they kind of hate each other. That's the relationship between me and my cat. Okay. It's like a Beckett play. She doesn't respond to me.

Now that's material for another show. People have got on Edinburgh shows that are less. Ed, thank you so much for joining us. Ed, if people want to see you, where can they see you? Wednesday the 31st of January to Saturday the 3rd of February,

I'm doing my award-nominated Edinburgh show, Anthem for Doomed Youth, at the Soho Theatre at 8.45. Plenty of tickets still available. OK. And if anyone wants to hear you, are you elsewhere? Oh, yeah, I've just been given a Radio 1 show. Oh, yeah? Which is probably, if you've listened to this, ill-advised.

OK. Co-hosting a new comedy podcast alongside Lauren Patterson, who's great, and that'll be out soon. So I think the 5th of February is the date it's being marked for. OK, great. So keep an eye out for that. And what's it called? It's called Ed and Lauren Get On. Okay,

excellent. And where will people be able to get it? iPlayer, I think. Probably iTunes. And it will go out at three o'clock in the morning as far as I'm aware. Okay, on Radio One. Yeah. And that'll be in all the usual places. Big time, yeah. Nice one. Thank you very much for coming in. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. Cheers.