Desert Island Dicks - ELF LYONS

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

Multi-award winning comedian Elf Lyons joins me to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is writer, multi-award winning comedian and the intimidatingly talented Elf Lines. How was that? That sounded great. Was it? It also sounded like you'd been told to sail that exactly 30 seconds before. I'm not very good.

I'm not good at this. No, you're a pro. Okay, thanks mate. Yeah, sure. How did you find choosing your dicks for your island? You know what? I was up for a really long time and it consumed me. Did you? Because once I started thinking about it, there was this long, never-ending list.

Okay. And then I started thinking about people I hadn't met but who I'd imagined and people I'd thought about in dreams, fictional people. Can I mention that ex? Can I mention that girl who I met in that nightclub? Just in case? It just became this endless sort of torrent in my mind

of memories of all these massive dicks that have been slapping me in the face throughout my life, like coming at me left, right and centre. And I just realised I spent my life surrounded by so many different types of dicks, like music dicks, sound dicks. It was just, it was too much. Oh, my God.

I had to take an ibuprofen. I had to lie down. I really had to reassess. And I'm seeing a therapist after this. Oh, my God. Well, hopefully, in some way, this could be therapeutic for you. This is going to be really cathartic for me. Yeah, I hope so.

Okay, so really what we're getting then is from a magnitude of dicks, we've got the best three that you've chosen. The best three. Well, best doesn't even seem... No, of course. The most abhorrent. The most abhorrent dicks. Yeah, the ones in the bog of the eternal stench.

From your life. Elf, I can't wait to hear who's going to be your first choice. Now, this is a new one, so this wasn't on the list until last night. And it might cause a bit of fracas. People might get offended. And I'm just going to tell you how you might be, and I don't care.

It's all of Surbiton. All of Surbiton? All of Surbiton. In particular, the 80 people in the audience last night in Surbiton. Oh, dear. When I say all 80 of them,

okay, there were a few that I wouldn't mind. But I didn't get to know them all. But in particular, it was the few on the front row who when I came on, they went, oh, no. What? A woman. That was it.

It was like, it was this, we all have seen this couple, okay? There were two couples there on a night out. And the blokes are sort of, you know what I mean, like vegetables with arms, really beefy. They clearly go to the gym. They were very tanned, good looking. And then the wives are very like well coiffed, if that's a word.

Beautiful hair, nice bits of Tiffany jewelry. And they have faces that look like they have never seen, smell or heard Joy. Right. And their sort of nostrils flitted when I came on stage as if my visual presence was somewhat disconcerting. And the blokes just looked at each other and laughed the moment I came on. And the women

just sort of sat there and wouldn't look me in the eye. Oh no. And the blokes got their phones out and I was like... Hang on a minute. And I'm an aggressive woman. I want to tell you now, on this island, I will not suffer fools gladly. Wow. And if I'm an aggressive woman. I want to tell you now, on this island, I will not suffer fools gladly. Wow. And if I'm on a desert island, I want to make sure I'm surrounded by people who are not cowards.

Yeah. We're going to get the job done. I don't blame you, yeah. I'm not going to be shallow. I'm worried about their appearance or worried about what gender means and their gender binaries and how we perform in society. And I was just looking at these guys and they were being so rude. And I thought, whoa. My inner Hulk was being released.

And I thought, these are the people who won't get involved at a pub quiz. These are the people who will turn up in fancy dress going, oh, I decided to dress as a normal person. Yeah. Like, no, you've ruined the theme. Yes. Come on.

Yes. I know people that don't want to participate because it's not cool right oh dear yeah i'm with you okay i think we know these people um but i've got to take you back to the fact that you've picked all of service look i'm gonna stand my ground here yeah have you been to service i've never been okay well that's all you need i went to surbiton it was a long road and i honestly felt melancholic the moment i walked through it something had happened in surbiton there's an energy maybe it's built on some sort of burial ground i don't know and i went into the bar or everyone was drinking gin obviously as we know gin is the drink of sadness yeah nobody drinks gin when they're as we know, gin is the drink of sadness. Yeah, it is. Nobody drinks gin when they're happy.

That's why it's the drink of the UK at the moment. Very popular. So they were all drinking gin. There was a genuine sort of overall colour scheme of beige. Again, we know something dark has happened. Right. So, yeah, middle ground. We're talking mediocre here.

And then I made a joke about calling my genitals party and rave. And there was silence. And not just silence. There was actual looks of, you know, disgust. Really? Serbitin. I think you were sexually frustrated. So why did this happen?

So why are these people at your show? Well, in fairness, I was doing a really great comedy night, but they were pretty much all there for the headliner, who's a big TV comic. Okay, okay. So there was this sense of, we're here to watch the TV comic, everything else is sort of filler.

Generally, are they quite difficult gigs, do you think? Well, I think from the way it was described to me by the organisers, they said, look, they're all here for the headliner. From the basis, from what we're getting, they don't come to regular comedy. They watch it on the telly. Yes, okay, okay. They're here for the headliner. From the basis, from what we're getting, they don't come to regular comedy. They watch it on the telly. Yes, okay.

They're here for the headliner. Right, right, right. So there is that sense of, unless you're famous to them. And I mean, this sounds like a big generalization, but I don't care. I've got a lot of rage in my heart, and I was genuinely quite cross. Okay. Because I thought, come on, guys. You know, comedy is lovemaking.

Yeah, yeah. On stage, you give me your love I give you my love back we make something connected and we laugh together we share something you go home

you make love to your partner remembering the joy and the endorphins and the serotonin that were released and they were there and they were just banal

and dismissive and I just looked at them and thought you're like soup like soup yeah you're like soup they were just, yeah. You're like soup. They were just soupy.

Yeah, right, okay. Like a spank show. Yeah. Everything about it, I thought, I wouldn't want to make love to any of you. Even if we're the last, even if me and Serbiton were the only people left in the world and I had to populate and penetrate all of them, because in this scenario, I've got the penetration abilities. I imagine you do, yeah. I've got big dick abilities. I imagine you do.

I've got big dick energy. I feel it from you. I want to come see your show now. I wish I was in Surbiton. I would have got right up there in the front row. You would have been the only one. No one appreciated my Catherine Hetburn impression and when I did an impression of MRI

machines, it was as if they'd never, ever see... I don't know maybe I just didn't have the best gig and that's okay because we all have bad days but still Serbiton you let me down and I've gigged in Milton Keynes and they were quite

sad when I went to Milton Keynes but still you make love to your audience and Serbiton I'm disappointed in you I'm sorry we're all in a plane accident. Oh, my God. Is that all right? Yeah, that's great. I mean, yeah, it's great.

You don't want to be too aggressive. No, I mean, I feel like you said what you needed to say about Surbiton. All of Surbiton, right? All of Surbiton. Wow. Okay, so all of Surbiton is going to be your first choice. Thank you very much, Elf. And who's going to be second choice?

Now, this is sort of a conglomeration of different people. This person exists. Okay. I think we all know this person. And I'm sorry to anyone who I might offend, but again, I'm on an emotional tirade. Okay. I'm riding this emotional wave of joy and rage.

It's Claire, your mate's girlfriend. So like... My mate's girlfriend? So you know, everyone's got... So it's like your mutual mate, you know when all the guys come together and you're all going out, you're going to have a party

and someone brings a girlfriend, you're not quite sure who they are. And normally, it's always great. And this is based on someone I meet. You see them and you go, hi, how are you? And they go, hi. Yeah, my name is, yeah, no, I'm Claire.

So, yeah, no, I work at a charity. Yeah, no, my favourite place to eat is Pret. I don't really like comedy. No, I don't like horror films. No, I don't really like music. Yeah, right. And they're really hard work to get a conversation out of. And they always stand slightly behind their partner. Okay.

You know, they never sit with you and you're like, do you want to come out? And then, no. No, no, yeah. I'm just, and then they sort of tug their boyfriend or girlfriend

and they go, Ed, I'm tired. Oh, yeah. We're going to go home. It's half seven. We've got a Netflix program that we're watching.

What's it called? It's Law and Order UK um badly walsh is my favorite actor and then i remember this uh the person that i'm basing this on um i'm also going to clarify in case they don't sound really bad i'm going to say that they're also very psychologically disturbed i'm just gonna add that yeah just bring that in. Also, in my spare time, kill pigeons. You know, she's probably a serial killer. We all know that. She's the type of person that would skin a cat.

And this person came and saw me do stand-up and afterwards was like, I'm not really much of a laugher. But I was really impressed actually like

you were like really funny yeah yeah my favourite shop is

Whistles yeah and my best friend is my boyfriend oh no you know what I mean

that's basically someone who, and it sounds like, who's not going to get involved. Yes, okay. Who's also like, really, you ask them questions like, how are you?

And they go, yeah, I'm fine. Step forward, Claire. Do you know what I mean? Think for yourself. Come on, come on. Yeah, give me something. You know what I'd like? I'd like Claire to just lose her temper.

I know. I'd like Claire to just throw a glass in the front. Smash some shit up. Like, Ed, you haven't made love to me the way you used to. Like, Ed, what's wrong? Ed, you've not been the same since your dad died. I need you to step up for me because if you want to be my man,

I need more from you and your friends are not giving me what I want. If she was a bit of a diva, fine, I'd respect that. But Claire, come on. You're a woman. You're not a shadow. Yes, yes. And if you're on an island, desert island, and you're trying to build a raft and you're trying to kill animals and you're trying to make a living and you've not a shadow. Yes, yes, all right. And if you're on an island, desert island, and you're trying to build a raft, and you're trying to kill animals,

and you're trying to make a living, and you've just got her going, I'm tired. So I know Claire's, and it's in that situation where you're at maybe a party, and you're stuck in the corner with Claire, and you're being polite, but you're doing all the heavy lifting, right? Doing all the heavy lifting. And so you're stuck in the corner with Claire and you're being polite, but you're doing all the heavy lifting, right? Doing all the heavy lifting.

And so you're in this conversation and you can't get out of it because Claire has no one else to speak to at the party. Yeah. But you are having to make all the conversation. Because they won't interact and they just sit in the corner and then you'll try and leave and be like,

well, it was great to see you. And then they'll just go, I've had four friends die this year. And you go okay then you have to sit back down and then they don't say anything else i definitely know a few of these and i've been in that situation so yeah completely justified choice anything else on a claire before we put her on the island oh you know what she's gonna be one of those people's like i'm uh i'm vegan and then you're like, oh, okay, cool. And then it turns out that they're not fully vegan. They're like, sometimes I'm vegan, but sometimes I'm sort of like, I'll eat meat if I need to.

I know people like that, actually. Or they might have milk in their tea if they decide to. And then you go to all the effort of making them a vegan meal, and they're like, I know it's fine, I'll have cheese. But I'm happy to post on social media about how much of a vegan they are but then have milk in their coffee sometimes obviously it's each to their own but if you're gonna make a massive deal about it I mean yeah if you're gonna have a social media account dedicated to how vegan you are but then post it oh and you know what their instagram

is constantly just random pictures of oh yeah yeah, they go to the boat race. Oh, we go watch the boat race. And they didn't even go to either university and they don't even like boats. Okay, right. Okay, we're there. I've got my piece done. Yes.

All right, Claire is going on the island. Thank you very much, Elf. And who's going to be a third choice? Now, this is based on someone who I can't really name. It's the person who's sort of like really into astrology and like Reiki and does things like womb, non-invasive womb therapy. So like, you know, who defines, someone who defines themselves as like a wicked and obviously you're each to your own. I want to clarify that.

But someone who really throws it in your face and also puts things like the person who does long face Instagram posts going I woke up this morning and I looked at the sky and it was the sun's sphere and it reminded me of the energy I put into the earth and the prayer I made to the womb goddesses and here is a bit of my hair that I've cut off and weaved in with the feathers of a dog that I found in the forest.

And I know people like this. And this one person specifically. And this person, I'll tell two slightly stories just to convey. Now, it's not that they're a bad person. They just drive me up the wall. So we were at a wedding. And we're just chatting away.

And I was chatting with this person who's really into astrology and Wiccan and all this sort of stuff. And I was talking about how we're all in a group. And also, it doesn't happen that we've also got a mutual export partner. So we've sort of, there's meant to be a bit of tension between us anyway, as it were. Okay. And we're chatting away and I said, oh, I'd really like to have kids. Like at the moment, I'm really broody.

And they went, you are really like to have kids. At the moment, I'm really broody. And they went, you are not ready to have kids. You are not ready to have children. And I sort of thought, whoa, that's a big statement to say in front of all the people. And she went, they went, because you know what? Your Saturn has not returned. Right. Your son has not. And then brought out like this chart of the planets to explain

why I couldn't have children yet because my son hadn't returned. And then recently I had to direct a show that I was doing at the British Library and I had been, I'd been having a period

for four months. So I've been really, really ill and I've been on loads of medication for it. So I keep on fainting and I've been really tired sorry to hear that oh it's all right but i was saying this to these guys who were also into reiki and chakras and they had loads of stones and stuff and also they've always got all these precious stones and they're really eco-friendly and i always want to know where are the stones from how were the stones you know any different to any other stones you know but also

who minds them was it slaves probably you know true yeah what's the environmental ethos and ethics of the weird quartz that you're wearing around your neck anyway and we're chatting and i say oh yeah it's just been really difficult at the moment i keep on painting and i've got this health problem and it's actually making me really nervous. And one of the girls went, well, the thing is, it's just because your Saturn hasn't returned. Saturn does that. Honestly, I remember when my Saturn returned.

How old are you? 28, yeah. When I was 27, my Saturn returned. It was awful. My boyfriend had just died and that was when Saturn returned. And I was thinking, are you... I was like, that is a curveball. And then I said, oh my God, yeah,

no, I remember when my Saturn returned. It was absolutely disastrous. My player just failed at the Edinburgh Fringe. Oh, yes. And I thought, this cannot be a thing. Is this real? It is real. How did...

Maybe it could be useful to have someone who really knows about the planets. Yeah. So I just want to know how and when your Saturn returns and if there's any truth in it that I can look back through my life and pair it up to any. See, I don't know. I'm sure there must be.

Like, it's all linked in history, isn't it? And the ways that our ancestors possibly read the world and understood the planets and understood where they were in terms of age. Historically, I'm sure it's fascinating. But I think sometimes the way things get popularised into being this new thing. Also, like people who then like slam other religions but then self-identify as being Wiccan. I'm like, come on, you can't have it each and all ways. I'm up for witches as much as anyone.

I'm open to all religions, but just don't shove it in my face and tell me when I can't have babies. So if someone's a witch, are they Wiccan? Well, I don't know. I don't know either. But Instagram is making it so confusing nowadays. I've not seen this.

I need to tap into this. I just want to know. I had a massage recently, casual. Nice. Okay. Someone's doing well. Yeah. It was at a festival and I was camping and my spine was in agony.

And so I went to the couple to book a therapy session. And they were like, we just want to let you know we do massage based on energy. And I said, OK. And they went, so rather than look at us based on our credentials, I want you to just look at me and my partner and pick one of us based on the energy that we're giving off. And I looked at him and i looked at his wife and he went and also just to remember the the massage is a full body naked massage so it's all based on energy and i was again looking at both of them going well i am going to pick the woman yes because in any environment the way you've stated that is it's going to make

me look weird if i pick the man now even though you're evidently stronger than her, and I need someone who can really go at me with her hands. Yeah, yeah. And then she did the massage, and she went, is it okay if I practice Reiki on you? And I said, of course, not knowing. I didn't know what Reiki was, and I thought it was coconut oil. She covered me in coconut oil, and she was, like, clicking over my body,

and she's going go away go away and then i opened up my eyes and she was doing a handstand no way and not just next to me on the bed that's on either side because i felt this weird pressure on my legs anyway that, that annoyed me. Yeah, I'll bet. It's really easing into the time when you could be working on my tight hamstrings. Yeah, yeah. Next time, maybe a sports massage, right?

From someone in a polo shirt. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, someone called Lee. Someone called Lee in a polo shirt. He's a rugby player. He knows about the body. Sometimes he works at Swindon Town Football Club.

Yeah, he had an accident. It's why he never went pro yeah he's got a really nice missus at home yeah and he's really going to take you to town and sits on the front row

of your gig in Surbiton yeah maybe maybe he sits on the front row oh oh yeah sorry

oh no I know okay yeah oh no they're all linking together I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry but it's great

at Sports Massage yeah okay so people that are into astrology and Reiki you're a podcast listener I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But it's great at sports massage. Yeah. Okay. So people that are into astrology and Reiki. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements,

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Elf, now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, I think this is probably evident, but my worst food is soup. First, worst food is soup. Okay, already mentioned, why soup? Pathetic. Yeah. It's pathetic, it doesn't know

what it is. Is it a drink? Is it a main meal? It's not even a main meal. You can't serve soup as a main, it has to be a starter. And everyone goes, oh no, but soup's really lovely on a cold night. No, people who like soup don't like happiness. I understand why soup was important, say, in the Civil War

or during the Russian winters where the only things you had were garlic, onions and duck fat. Fine, do what you can. True. Soup is tragic. Imagine being disgraced. If somebody said, what food are you like you'd want them to say oh he's like roast beef or sunday roast yes you know what i mean something really

luscious if someone said you really remind me of soup you wouldn't be happy no and for that reason alone i think it's an absolute wreckage on the plates of humanity okay and when i go into a restaurant um not that i really do that often because I'm an artist, but if I do go somewhere and there is soup, I am immensely angered. Yes, okay. And I really, and my mum, when I was a child, I don't know why she's got this in her head.

She thought we loved broccoli and Stilton soup when we were little. Right. And I hate broccoli. Broccoli and Stilton, I hate it. I hate it. And my mum would make us eat it all the time. And when I was home recently, she made it. And I just went, please, Mama, please.

I don't like it. It was like when I was little, she was used to buy us jammy doughnuts. And I hate jammy donuts right yeah because as someone with obsessive compulsive disorder and an issue with cleanliness

you get all the sugar off your fingers and it gets sticky and then the jam would come out and it was it was too much of an emission

to eat in my school uniform and it would make me very very overwhelmed and as a small child and you're dealing with lots of big things in life and you'd come home and you'd have broccoli and stilton soup. Oh, my God.

And then a jammy donut. And then jammy donuts. Maybe I'm sounding spoiled. Okay, no, no, no. I'm sorry, I get really emotional. Am I being a drama queen? No, no, it's fine. I mean, I've asked you to do this.

I think this is totally reasonable. So I think, like, stop me if I'm wrong, is broccoli and stilton quite a strange thing to give to a child? I don't know. I don't know either. I mean, it was just the usual meals we had as a kid. We had caviar on Mondays, veal on Tuesdays. Yes, okay.

Is that how you lived your lives? Oh, yeah, we were so glamorous in our little flat. Okay, yeah. No, my mum was sort of... I sort of just remember my mum just randomly throwing food at us. Right. She was epic when it came to salads, because we had a cabbage patch.

Oh, nice. You know, like a vegetable patch. She was good at all that stuff. That's great, okay. But ugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soup. Broccoli and Stilton soup.

So soup, yeah. Imagine eating that on a desert island as well. When you broke it to your mum, oh yeah, it'd be awful, wouldn't it? That's all you've got. Yeah. You'd be so thin. You'd be so ill. You'd be so tired and you'd just be desperate to chew something.

Yes. I wonder what would happen to your mouth and your jaw. If it was just broccoli and stilton, you probably would get scurvy. You'd probably lose your teeth. You probably would lose your teeth. Yeah. You wouldn't be wrong, yeah. Your gums would get all weak.

Yes. Luckily, I would assume you've probably got coconuts on this desert island, right? I don't know, yeah. I mean, you'd probably have to in order, well, I mean,

that would be natural on a desert island. That's the assumption, isn't it? Yeah, I guess, right? You'd have to have some way of... I don't know, yeah. And also, I assume if it's soup that's from the plane,

it's not freshly made. No it's weird plain soup, it's got loads of sugar in it. This is like the powdery stuff that you have to add water. So you have to add the seawater so it'll be even more salty. It'll be salty. Honestly I'm not going to tell you, I know this sounds really dark but I feel very

suicidal at this point on this island if I'm just having soup and I'm living with the people of Surbiton. I'm so sorry. I mean this is this is really traumatic and also I have a phobia of planes yeah now every time I'm on a plane going to one of my glamorous gigs yeah oh yeah somewhere else I'll just think if this crashes I know where I'm going out and it's hell. Do you have a phobia of planes? I have such a phobia. What, flying on them? Flying on them. Okay. Acute phobia of planes.

Do you? Okay, so this is terrible, what's happening right here. This is, I mean, when I got the email, I had to really take quite a few bits of CBD oil. I am sorry. I'm sorry. Did you? Yeah, great. I mean, whatever helps.

I've got a strange phobia. I don't think I've ever mentioned it on this, where I don't, I'm fine with flying. I really don't like standing next to a plane. Okay, that's interesting. So like next to a plane or like a big boat. I actually don't really like standing next to like really tall buildings either. Is it because when you're next to them,

you're sort of aware of the fragility of their design? Because when you're next to them, you're sort of aware of the fragility of their design? Because when you're next to a big plane, when you're in a plane, you think of it as being this massive thing outside of yourself. But when you're next to it, you're looking at it going, it's really not all that. I don't know. Maybe that is it. Maybe it's something to do with the ego. Like when you're standing next to it, you're aware of the futility of your own existence. And actually you're nothing. I always thought it had something to do with the size.

And like maybe, yeah, feeling insignificant next to her. How are you in urinals? I feel fine. You're fine. Okay, cool. I just wanted to see if it was something else. Oh, something to do with that. Okay, yeah.

I don't know. Standing next to a really tall man. No, but I was thinking, I don't know why, my instant thought was just like, urinals aren't that big. It's not like I'm stood next to a giant urinal. That's my stupid brain. Okay, back to food. Soup is going to be your food choice. I think that's an excellent choice. And what's going to be your drink choice?

Fruit concentrate. Yes, okay. It's not the most confrontational choice. I just really don't like, not just, I've got to stand by my opinions. I do not like concentrated fruit juice. When it's purely sugar, the apple juice always looks like urine from a diabetic. It looks terrible. You know that there was no fruit handled for months yeah right in the

process of making this drink yes so from concentrate just so uh i've got this 100% clear is um they basically they pulp it don't they and take all the liquid out yeah transport it store it somewhere and then put the liquid back in when they're ready. Is that what happens, right? I think so. Yeah, okay. I'm not quite sure but it's not nice. No, okay. It just seems unnecessary. It always reminds me of school trips when I was little and you'd all get handed

your little juice drink. And it would never taste like real fruit. No, okay, okay. And I always hate it when they advertise it's healthy, 100% fruit juice, asterisk from concentrate, which means it's loads of sugar and there's absolutely no fibre or anything good in it. Okay, yes, because they've just taken everything else out.

Yeah, and it makes your skin really naff. Does it? Yeah, and it makes you get all hyper. It does do that, yeah. I think also because I work as a ping pong teacher, so I teach ping pong to people. Sorry? Outside of working as a comic.

Obviously, a girl got a hustle. But I teach ping pong, and occasionally you'll get kids groups, which I love. I love children. I'd happily be on an island with everyone's baby. Really? Yeah, honestly.

If I was on an island full of kids, I would be an absolute... I mean, that makes me sound like a paedophile. Yeah. I would like the pi-pi., that makes me sound like a paedophile. Yeah. I would like the pie, pie, but I love children. I absolutely adore kids.

That's nice. Teenagers as well, just young people. Love them. People, I think, yeah, it's nice.

People, people are allowed to like children without being a paedophile. Yeah, okay, good. I'm glad I'm making this stand

because it needs to be said. Yes. But I, but when you're teaching ping pong, for example, to an eight-year-old group, an eight-year-old birthday party and there's 15 little boys

and they all, the parents will go, you know, we'll get the birthday boy Coca-Cola and the Coca-Cola is one thing and then they have all these fruit drinks and they suddenly zoom up. And they jacked up, yeah.

And they are absolutely, it's like they're on ketamine. Yeah. Concentrate is ketamine for the under 11s and you know I don't know what's going to

happen on this island maybe with one of the men from Surbiton for the sake of reproducing or you know

just building up a strong army because you don't know what animals are going to be on the beach or if there's another tribe

and you need to fight I will need to have a child and I don't want to be raising the beach. No, yeah. If there's another tribe and you want me to fight, I will need to have a child. And I don't want to be raising them on just my soggy saltwater milk teats. No. And my concentrate. You know, it's just a horrible life for a child.

Soggy saltwater milk teats. Yeah. I guess, yeah. And my soupy, soupy bloated body. Oh, my God. Yes, I know. No concentrate for me. Okay, yeah.

I mean, I maybe should pay more attention to this. I think, because I've got two small children, I think we are conscious that we don't give them this stuff. But I tell you what, they do have a lot of fruit shoots. I don't know if they're good for you. They're probably not. I mean they say that

there's no sugar in there but what else is in there I could turn a blind eye E numbers E numbers yeah and yeah ketamine

ketamine oh that makes loads of sense so much sense oh wicked how old are your little ones one and three yeah oh that's so fun

yeah it's fun yeah it's mad have they got those really juicy big cheeks yeah oh those are the best things I've ever seen yeah they so fun yeah it's fun yeah are they just like have they got those really juicy big cheeks yeah oh those are the best things I've ever seen

yeah they're fun yeah oh there's an Instagram account of babies with fat cheeks sort of my favourite things to watch I'd love to

go onto log onto Instagram and have these babies with fat cheeks and all these people doing astrology and reiki honestly I'm so broody yeah

once my satin has returned yes I can finally get fertilised. Sure. Okay. Just find someone to impregnate me. Fantastic. All right. I don't know how we got from fruit juice to that, but great. I'm making a call out to your listeners.

Wow. Okay. What's your Twitter handle? At Elf Lyons. At Elf Lyons. Look, if you're above six foot five, because I want someone who can make a warrior. If you're quite good at throwing an axe.

If you're hairy, even better, because when the winters come, and they will come, I want someone with thick hair. If you're up for it, let's join forces. Oh, God. Well, there we go. It's just an added bonus for listening to this podcast,

I guess. I mean, that's your demographic, right? Yeah. Hairy, over six foot five Vikings. That's all we get,

yeah. If your name is Thor. If your name is Thor, if your name is Ramesses, and you're a beast of a man. Okay. Well, thank you very much,

Elf. Fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, thank you very much, Elf. Fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? Okay, so my least favourite film. Film first, yeah. Film first is Dancer in the Dark by Lars von Trier. Okay, Dancer in the Dark. Right von Trier. Okay, Dancer in the Dark. Right, I'm going to put this out there. I've never seen this film and I have no idea what it's about. So it has Bjork in it.

Okay. It was the one and only film she did. After she did it, she said she'd never work in acting again because Lars von Trier was so horrible to her. Oh my God, okay. Bjork plays a blind woman who works in a factory who loves musicals she has a son who is eventually also going to become blind what she's been doing has been saving up her money and hiding it somewhere so that she can buy her son to have special eye

surgery so he can see. However, her landlord, who I think has done some terrible tax deal, who's got no money, stays in her house and watches her with her money hiding it. He then steals it. When she finds out he's stolen it,

a fracas arrives, a fight. She kills him. But it's in self-defense then there's a dance song and dance number between the corpse and her because it's also a musical right okay okay and what happens is she gets taken to court because she does not want to i think use the money to get proper leg I can't remember the full narrative but effectively what happens is she is an idiot

and because of that she dies and she has capital punishment and the final scene is watching her get hung while she's singing and the son lives but he obviously will have the money for the eye surgery but she dies it's a complete tragedy. But Lars von Trier made it.

I feel like I'm just shocking you. But Lars von Trier said his aim was to make people laugh one minute and cry the next. So one minute, it's absolutely absurd. And everybody's singing and dancing. And there's some big choreographic numbers. And then it's real awful. Bjork has the worst time. Everything that could go wrong does go wrong.

There is no light or joy in this film. So he doesn't achieve the laugh and then the cry. It's just sadness. I remember being furious when I watched it. I thought, this is silly. I was very, very... I didn't use that word because I was 18 I didn't have the language then

but I remember because I was studying film for my BA in Bristol and we had to watch lots of different films during the week in this old cinema room which we'd all fall asleep in because we would all be really hungover and they put Dancer in the Dark on at 9am onm on a monday morning hang on a minute in january what yeah and i just sat there

going is this life yeah this is not my beautiful house this is not my beautiful wife how did i get yeah and i was fuming yeah i just filmed a, actually, where I got to come up with the idea for the ending for how we kill the main character, because I'm a ghost, you know? Okay. And originally we were just going to chop his head off, and I said, no, what we need to do is we need to cut his penis off.

Great. So we got the special effects artist, this amazing guy, who did the special effects for, like, Human Centerming 2, did loads of really cool stuff, an amazing film which i can't can typically can't remember any of the names of the films now we made these amazing

sense that like proper prosthetic penises with all the veins attached and all the fake blood and so we stick the scissors down the end where the penises and i cut down the middle and it's really like all this blood is popping away and when i was filming it i kept on saying look because i'm the ghost in this scene. I said, please, can I spit on the scissors like in a sexy way, then shove the scissors in, and then can I spit on the ripped dick? And the director and the special effects artist went, that's too aggressive. I was like, come on.

Come on, let's do this. Did you do it? Yeah. Yeah, I fucking did. Is that too much for this podcast? No, it's fine. It's okay. I mean, I don't know.

I'll let the listeners decide at me. Let us know. I just want to say that I'm really anti-violence in everything in real life, and I do not condone it in the slightest. In a safe horror movie environment where you are doing something professionally, I just want to clarify that I don't want any listeners going out there a safe horror movie environment when you were doing something professionally. Yeah. I just want to clarify that I'm really, I don't want any listeners going out there

cutting off penises of people from Surbiton. Was this your opening, I was going to say, was that your opening gambit in Surbiton? I came on stage and I was like, I'm going to chop all your motherfucking dicks off, bitches. Don't worry, I'm going to shove scissors down their first. Do you like astrology?

You're going to hell. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. Yeah. Bow, bow,boo-boo, boo-boo-boo. Don't worry, I'm going to shove scissors down her first. Do you like astrology? You're going to hell. Boo-boo-boo, boo-boo-boo. Yeah. Boo-boo-boo, boo-boo-boo. Doctor in the Dark is going to be a film choice. Yeah. Okay. Do you recommend we see it, just so we know?

I mean, probably. It is an interesting film. And also, it's the only film Bjork was in. I think she might have got nominated for an Oscar for it. Wow, okay. She's incredible in it. Yeah, okay. I mean, stylistically, it probably is a good film.

Yeah, yeah. It's still recognised as being very cult. Okay, Dancer in the Dark. Somewhat disturbing, though, for the rest of your life, right? Mm-hmm. If that's the only thing you've got to watch. And what's going to be your song choice? Eva Cassidy, either a mixture of Fields of Gold

or Somewhere Over the Rainbow, because it is played everywhere. Mm-hmm. Every tube, every busker, I hear it. Mm-hmm. of Fields of Gold or Somewhere Over the Rainbow because it is played everywhere. Every tube, every busker, I hear it. And it seems to be covered at every wedding. And I find it really boring. Yes, yeah. I find it really boring, really base.

And also when I was little, I remember my mum used to play us Eva Cassidy. And she'd drive us to school and she'd go... And also my mum, can I just say, is from South East London. My accent is very different to that of my parents. But I make my mum sound as if she's from Tatler magazine. But when we were little

and she'd drive us to school, she'd go, do you know who you're listening to, girls? It's Eva Cassidy. She was a really talented young musician. Nobody knew who she was and she recorded all these beautiful albums. She was young and beautiful.

And then she died. She died very young. She died of cancer. It was terrible. Nobody knew who she was and then one day they found her albums and she became a star. But only after death. Death, death, it comes to us all goodbye children and then we just get out of the car crying because when you're little and your mom's

playing us all this sad music going she's dead now you know this voice you like she's no longer alive eat a jammy dodger for mommy eat a jammy donut eat a jammy dodger for mummy. Did it? Eat a jammy donut. Eat a jammy dodger for mummy, darling. Or mummy will drown you in a bowl of gazpacho. Eat up, children. I don't like that music. Did this happen? Did your mum say these things to you?

Yeah. Wow. Obviously, she didn't say it in that voice. No. Yes. I like who you create for your mum though. My mum is a real big fan of telling you who's died recently in really sad stories. She loves telling us about the time someone, I mean, I'm going to make sure that I don't

say anything too negative, but she always loves telling us about the death of her pets when she was little. All the time. And she'll tell them to you like, just before you go to, going, I'm so glad you like your guinea pigs. I had a dog once. And then that one summer day. Good night, children. Wow.

Why? Why? I don't know. It's just her. Okay. Eva Kessler. Do you think it's partly overexposure to these songs? Do you think because it's on over exposure to these songs do you think

because it's on all the time you're just a bit like yeah and also I think they've lost their meaning and some will

over time unless you're Judy Garland and unless you're about to go to the Wizard of Oz rein it in girl yes rein it in okay

nobody cares about how you feel about the weather yes okay okay it's just a song about basically encouraging you to take antidepressants is that what it's about Okay. Nobody cares about how you feel about the weather. Yes, okay, okay. It's just a song about basically encouraging you to take antidepressants. Is that what it's about? I'm going to categorically say it is.

Okay. It's about fluoxetine. Is it? No. Okay. Goodness sake, goodness. Goodness sake. You know what?

I'm not even on a desert island. I know. This is all pretend. I know. I know. None of this is real. I just feel like I believe everything you say. Well, good. Okay.

I'm worried. Don't be worried. I'm actually really nice. Yeah, I know. I've met you before. Okay. Eva Cassidy. I don't know what else to say. Eva

Cassidy, specifically those two songs? Yeah. Okay. Eva Cassidy is going to be your song choice. And finally, Elf, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Now, you said to me before this

you had a lot of animals potential for this choice well because i was on the loo before we filmed this podcast i was on the toilet in the lavatory i never know what the correct term is and i was just thinking about life and i was thinking about animals and what it means to love something and i was thinking about what animals you'd want on an island because obviously which ones you'd want to hunt. Sure. And then which ones would be a nuisance. I assume obviously there's quite a lot of birds

on this island already. There may be, yeah. Probably quite a lot of bats. Obviously naturally fish that we could hunt. I think I would be really livid if it was overrun with hamsters. Yes. Solid choice.

Oh, they are wimps. They are. And they just don't serve any purpose. Like, they can't speak. They run around and go, what are your aspirations? A lot of nothingness. What do you want?

Yes. Who are you? Hamsters are disappointment. They don't really sing. They don't have any talent. No, it's true. They're not even scary. Like, rats can sort of serve a purpose

because you can really annoy a flatmate if you've got a rat. Yeah, and you imagine you'd get an all right meal out of a rat. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but hamsters are just tooths. Nothingness. But I mean, I'm veggie anyway,

so I really want to... But in this situation, you haven't got a lot of options. Look, you know what? Then I'd be a cannibal and I'd eat Surbiton. Yeah! I would be a cannibal. haven't got a lot of options. You know what? Then I'll be a cannibal and I eat Surbiton. Yeah. I would be a cannibal.

There'd be a lot of meat on Surbiton. I'm not holding back. No, yeah. Survival is key. Yes. Lee from Surbiton. Meaty. Also, this comes from a place of deep.

I am an owner. I'm a mother of two guinea pigs. And guinea pigs are the most magical creatures of all time. They've made me see the world in a very beautiful way and i am appalled when people say how are your hamsters and i say excuse me have you not seen the angels of delight that i have yeah these are not hamsters yeah my animals my guinea pigs they appreciate artwork artwork. They appreciate fine dining. They are like happy little furry Ewoks of joy. They are fun mops. Hamsters are like really furry little baby dicks.

Oh, my God. That's what they are. They're running around. So hamsters are going to be your animal choice. Thank you very much, Elf. And thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. It's been great.

It's been really fun. Am I right in thinking guinea pigs has something to do with your live show? Yes, it is. Yeah. The new show that I am touring is called Love Songs to Guinea Pigs. Yes, okay. It's a big high spectacle clown comedy. I'm also very nice in it. I'm not just anarchic

and aggressive like you've seen me. I force this upon you. You've seen me in a really vulnerable state. Yes. And in this show it's pure art. Yeah. And we're doing that at the Soho from the 23rd of September and then I'm taking it around the UK. Brilliant. Yeah. Okay. And what can people

expect? Everything. Okay. There's a lap dance. There is a big dance routine to Britney Spears. There's some really serious moments of like, you know, empathy and catharsis. There's a lot of guinea pig impressions. There's an impression of an MRI machine and there's a giant guinea pig hutch on stage. And my bottom's in it.

Okay. I mean, yeah. It's delightful, the it. Okay. I mean, yeah. It's delightful, the show. Okay. And my bottoms present. There we go. There's honesty for you. If people want to find you on social media, et cetera,

where can they find you? So they can find me on Elf Lions. I think my underscore Lions, Elf Lions, at Twitter. I'm also on Facebook, the fan page, Elf Lions, Instagram, Elf Lions at Twitter. I'm also on Facebook, the fan page, Elf Lions Instagram, Elf Lions, and my website, www.theelflions.com. Thank you very much, Elf. Thank you. Hey!