Desert Island Dicks - ELLIE WHITE

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Ellie White is a very funny person and this outing is no exception to that rule. She took time to distract herself from the heatwave as we were recording to share her thoughts on who and what would be the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. If you can hear a bit of background noise, that's because the window's open, because it's a hot day. It's one of those hot days we had recently that you may have heard about. People mentioned it a bit, didn't they, at the time. And I've just finished recording this podcast here with Ellie White, and I had to have the window closed, and I was all hot.

So now we've finished recording, and the window's open, and it's slightly more bearable anyway look that's not the interesting part the interesting part is that ellie white is the guest on today's episode and she was fantastic she's really good in pretty much anything you see her in she's in stafflets flats her and natasha dimitriou have a show called ell and Natasha and that's on BBC3 on iPlayer at the minute and again it's really good really funny she's a funny person as this chat hopefully will demonstrate to you I certainly had a very nice time so that's what's happening here today before you listen to that assuming you don't skip past this bit I just want to say thanks for

downloading it and if you could subscribe and give us a rating and a review, that would be really nice. It really helps us a lot. And it would make a young man very happy. I don't know which young man that is, but I've been told a young man contacted us on Twitter and he said it would make him happy. So, you know, let's just make this young man happy for one last time and do the right thing. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. So I'm going to leave you and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash

with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is actor, comedian and writer and one half of the very funny Ellie and Natasha. It's Ellie White. How are you doing? I'm very well. Thank you very much for that stunning introduction. You're very welcome. Thanks for coming on. It's lovely to have you here. Daniel Benedictus is a really, really good name. I mean, it sounds like kind of a Roman emperor. It's something to do, like my dad's side of the family were Jewish and the name used to be Baruch, which means blessed in Hebrew. And then they moved to Holland at some point and wanted to sound more Catholic and less Jewish. And so

they just swapped it to the Catholic version of that. That's great. It's good as an adult, but when you're a kid, you know, having a surname a dick in the middle of it you know you've got benedictus benedictus bendy dick toss so you as a kid you're like hate my name and everyone goes oh no it's a wonderful surname and then as you get older you're like oh yeah it's all right i've got an uncle called benedict and uh yeah everyone used to call him bendy brick at school i mean the possibilities are endless my grandma had so this is already segueing my grandma had nine children and she called two of them Ben wow I always find that bizarre that's mad yeah run out of notes just by the time you had nine you're probably so tired you know I don't I don't even care I mean I've got two kids and I end up calling them like mixing up their names with

the cat's name and so I mean if I had nine I'd just give kids and I end up calling them, like mixing up their names with the cat's name. And so, I mean, if I had nine, I'd just give up. I'd just number them. Just call them one and two. Yeah. And leave it at that. At college, I went to school with two people, brother and sister, and they were both called Joe. You know, Josephine and Joseph. That's wild. And I used to know two twins called William and Wilfred. So they were both called Will and they were identical twins right yeah that's that's no foresight there it's it's just it's wild it's

wild decision making and I kind of respect it in a way yeah there's a part of that when you're a parent you go oh wait it's my turn I can just call them fucking anything at one point before we had kids we thought about calling them one of them hercules just for fun because we're just having a stupid conversation about really bad kids names we're like what about hercules we're all quite like that yeah and then we got so into it that when we bought a cat we called the cat hercules just to take it off the table for safety yeah i think it's i think it's wise to deflect that onto your animals. Yeah. I think that animals are like great vessels for trying out like weird or shit names. My mum wants to call my brother Jaffet.

Jaffet. And it's like, what planet are you on, woman? Jaffet. You would have had the worst life. I've never even heard that name. No, I don't think it's real. It can't be real. It sounds like a product. Don't put up with it. Jaff it. Ellie, as I said, you know, we are going to move on to things that we dislike or you particularly dislike. Yeah. You know, we're

having a nice time here. You seem like an upbeat person. You like to make people laugh. Do you find it easy to rant about stuff are you are you somebody who likes to vent about things no I don't you know what I actually a lot of things do make me angry but I find that halfway through a rant about them I'll feel really um anxious about what that person or that thing like might do if I if they hear that I'm angry about them. For instance, last night, my neighbours, they had a party in their garden, so my flat backs onto a big estate, essentially, and they had a party in their garden

that went on all night, all night, till five in the morning. And they set up a DJ booth with a man on a microphone at 1am that's when it started and this guy was shouting down the mic like all the ladies all the ladies let me hear you it was honestly it was the wildest is a monday yeah just just so the listeners know it was a monday night and i was like turned into like a shriveled wreck of like an old woman. I was like, my hands were like claws.

They were so tense. And I just had no idea what to do. I was so baffled. I was so baffled and angry by the fact that these people were like so obnoxious that on a Monday night they could have a party like that. But on the other side, part of me was like, well, you know, they're just living their lives. Like they're having fun. Something's obviously, you know, caused them to have a party at someone's birthday.

They're all having a good time. So just accept the fact that they're having a good time. They're not causing anyone any like specific bodily harm. They're just causing you a huge amount of anger. So it was so I do find it hard to be like, you know, because really, probably I should have just marched over and told them to turn their music down. But there was a voice in my head going, well, come on, Ellie, like they're having a good time. And it's probably just because I'm, know soft and pathetic but what I mean is I find ranting quite difficult because it's usually accompanied by an inner monologue that's like

well it's not really their fault come on like chill out okay well look we can start and we'll see how we get on yeah I'm just I'm slightly taken aback by the sort of energy that it takes to have a party like that on a Monday on the hottest day of the year or the hottest day on record it's just unbelievable it was wild but yeah I'm my the things that I've like selected for this aren't necessarily things that I hate and the more things that I'm kind of that I sort of revere okay in a in a like in in a I don't really hate I don't really hate, I don't really hate anyone. All right. Well, let's see. Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island then?

So, so this is, yeah, as I say, this is less of something that I hate and more something that I would hate to be around on a desert island. And it is very specific. And if you haven't seen this film, you will have no idea what I'm talking about. So I really hope the majority of people know what I'm talking about. It is the alien in Men in Black when he crawls into the man's skin and becomes a sort of hillbilly farmer.

Yes, yes, I know the one. And he's kind of... I mean, this is a visual thing, but he's kind of like that. Yeah, exactly. That's a really, actually, no one can see you right now, but when you do that, you do look really like him. He like contorts, the actor that plays it needed to have an Oscar, but he like contorts his face so it's like,

it's almost like inverted into his body and he can't walk and he twitches and I remember as a child being absolutely fucking like scared to the point of like violently shaking when I was watching that film yeah this isn't a very funny choice by any

means but I think if I was stranded on a desert island I would find that incredibly tough yeah because he's sort of a bit like a zombie in a way isn't it it's sort of like there's that weird jerky inhumane sort of movement like he's quite big as well isn't he so he's big he has like a presence that is like very sort of magnetic like I would I would find it really I would really struggle to like kill him because I'd be like well he's going to come back to life

because he's like a kind of cockroach I would describe him as a kind of cockroach man yeah but he really haunted my dreams when I was younger and someone else

that haunted my dreams was like do you remember Mars Attacks yes do you remember when she like tricks I can't remember who the actor is but

there's like a woman alien and she's like really sexy and then she bites off his finger. Yes, that rings a bell. And it's quite, she's quite like manipulative. And she's like a, and she sort of manages to disguise her like big, like throbbing alien head with like a wig. And she walks in this really specific, like sort of squid-like way down the road. And he's really allured by her.

I don't even remember watching it when I was younger. And I was like, she is really alluring, but she is really manipulative. And I clearly am someone who can be very easily manipulative by alluring aliens because I find them sort of like weirdly magnetic, but terrifying at the same time. So if I was on a desert island with them, I would be haunted, constantly haunted. And that would make me really scared and angry. I think that's very valid. I mean, I think, you know, with all these sort of choices that we have on this podcast, I think, you know, the way to make it livable for your situation

is to try and find a middle ground or some, you know, you know, a lot of people pick like some, you know, it might be some Piers Morgan type or whatever. And you think, well, you'd have to try and somehow find a middle ground. If you're dealing with some sort of alien inhabiting a human cadaver, then it's really hard. It's really hard. I basically have to kill them, I think.

Like, that's how I'd have to deal with it. I'd have to kill them. And I know, I already know that I would lose. I'm inviting this sort of life and death situation very quickly in the podcast. Like this is, I don't think either of those are someone that you can actually live with on a desert island.

It is who I would hate to be on a desert island with 100%, but there's no livable situation there because they're coming to kill me. Yeah, yeah. And even if they were just sort of malevolent in a in a non-aggressive way you know you just imagine waking up and they're just standing over you and they'll never actually do anything but you know they don't need to sleep because they're an alien or something it's terrifying like when i was thinking about this

task i was like exactly what you say like who specifically like really grinds my gears? Like which sorts of people, apart from the people who had a party last night. And I was like, I don't know if they necessarily, they would make me like grind my teeth at night because I'd be so on edge. I'd be like living on edge constantly. Yeah, it's like that feeling of like, if you're staying somewhere, maybe on holiday

and there's a cockroach in the room and you lose it, you can't trap it under a glass you know it's somewhere but also it's nowhere and it might have gone but it might not have and you've got to go to sleep but it's there it's like yeah a million times that isn't it exactly i don't know about you but i have i live my life with a constant fear of threat and death so i i have a quite a big weight of like impending doom generally um i'm working on it but it's it's it's just you know always been there i think that's probably why i've chosen this it's like a manifestation of like what you know actually you know it's like a kind of personification of like actually if i am stranded on desert island

like i'm probably gonna die and like they like, they're just, they're just, they're just going to make that come around sooner. Because even if, yeah, even if they have no ill intentions to you, it's putting you on edge so much that you're probably going to end up killing yourself. Like you'll trip over a rock and hit your head on a bigger rock because you get startled by them. You know, it's just like a, an awful thing that's there and is going to make you behave in a strange way it's horrifying I get really scared I get quite scared easily like when I was a child I would like put my entire do like I would sleep like my entire

duvet over my head because I was like worried that that like a Victorian child just going to like tickle my feet and so and so when I was thinking about this I was like actually for me the worst situation on a desert island would be on living on my own like being on my own on a desert island because I would be my only company and I can create horrendous visuals and like horrendous like things that might happen very quickly so really like me is probably the worst person that I could take to a desert island um because of my like severe sort of like absolutely implausible fears that like I don't know there's going to be a demagogue that's going to come out like that film Cast Away that would be like my worst worst night worse than being with other

people who are kind of mad I mean you can you can pick a version of yourself if you want I mean that's allowed it has happened before yeah I probably well maybe maybe the cockroach man is a version of myself okay well I think it's a very strong start just because I think I'm all about the interplay of the characters on this and I think that it's going to be so interesting to see who he has to work with as well as yourself. So who's going to be the next person joining you? So I used to nanny a lot when I was kind of like starting out as an actor and I did many, many, many jobs. And I used to nanny this little girl who was about seven I would say and she was a bitch

she was such a bitch but like not in a like badly behaved way in a way that she found my insecurities and played with them like a cat with a mouse. And it was terrifying. She, she was, God, I mean, all of mine are just like weird, scary people, but I feel like children, if they don't like you, have a way of like getting to you so much quicker than an adult so much quicker because they're supposed to be sort of innocent so that so I don't know like my cousin quite recently she was like you've got a

big spot on your nose and I was like yeah she's right I do have a spot on my nose and like no other adult would point that out, but she has. And it's because they sort of say what they see. So like she would do sort of like really manipulative things. Like she would be like laughing at everyone else. And then she would look across at me and like thin her eyes and like evil me. And it was out of control. And also her dad,

he used to have like a wall of knives. He'd have knives. I really hope that they don't listen to that. I'm sure she's lovely now. This was years ago. But he had like a wall of knives and he used to, I mean, this is probably like false memory syndrome, but all I remember the kids eating and he ate was chorizo.

And like the knives were always like cutting up like bits of chorizo. And there was like chorizo stews and like chorizo in the cupboard. And like all they ate was chorizo. Yeah. She was just terrifying. And she'd just be like, or if I try and make a joke, she'd be like,

you're not funny. And I'd be like, Oh God, she's completely right. She's completely right. But it's like children I think find a way of getting to your soul very quickly so I think a child on a desert island doing that would crush my spirits so quickly that um I wouldn't know how to how to live definitely yeah

and also we've got the thing of being adults we can't just like they go or you've got a spot on your nose it's like you're short and unemployed what you adults. We can't just say, they go, or you've got a spot on your nose. It's like, you're short and unemployed. What? You know, you can't, but I find myself doing really underhand stuff like that. Like,

do you remember that bit in bridesmaids where she has that argument with that girl? And the girl's like, you're a fucking, you're a loser. And you, you were in a jewelry shop and she's like, well, you're a cunt.

And it's so funny. And it it's like that's all I would ever want to do just be like shut the fuck up you little cunt and I obviously could never do that otherwise I'd get fired and I needed the money but that's all you want to say you're like well you don't know anything and shut up and but my comebacks were always awful like she'd be so much better at them than me she was like so clever and also I think that you you feel like kids should just like love you and be grateful for your help and your care and when they're not it's really shocking or I find it really shocking because I find kids really sweet and when they're not sweet I'm like I don't know what to do yeah

I'm spent your comebacks to them are still a bit guarded you can't be completely unguarded like they are to you they'll just say I'm going to say everything you know anything I want from the you know the vile pit of my vile little mind but you know you still kind of think well it has to be okay enough that if they repeat it to their parents it's like oh no that was just funny chat yeah Yeah, you can't be like, your haircut's fucking shit. And like two years ago, you were shitting yourself into a nappy. You can't say that. The other thing I've just thought is that, you know,

despite this child being horrendous, there's probably a part of you that's going to feel like you have to look after them a bit. Exactly, exactly. You know, you've got the weird alien guy. And even though you don't really care if this kid gets eaten or or abducted by the alien guy you sort of again you seem like a decent person you'd probably step in i'm gonna have to yeah i'm gonna have to sort of be a mother to this child that hates me that's not even mine yeah it's it's it's it's a situation i

don't want to think about and you've made me think about it okay so we've got alien man and and I'm just going to call it the bitch yeah the bitch who's gonna uh finish off this uh triumvirate of dicks well I have a few options these are kind of not necessarily specific people but I think the yeah because i've put like a girl who never looks bad you know like a festival or something there's always girls that just never look bad even though they've like they've slept in a tent for three days yeah and they just always look perfect and their skin's perfect and their hair's perfect and they don't smell and i'm like the opposite because i'm like disgusting and after three days I should be put in prison when I like how I look when I'm at a festival and I'm like I would get really angry

on a desert island if there was a girl who was like perfect yeah just out of jealousy just out of pure jealousy and then my other thought was like someone who invites you over but doesn't cook someone who's like come over come over you know come over for drinks like we'll have a really lovely time but there's no food that's really horrendous but I think my the one that I'm going to put is the broad umbrella is all actors but specifically specifically sort of older actors who like to tell anecdotes about jobs they did when they were young because i've been around quite a few of them and it is extremely tough actors are that some of the most boring people on earth

i'm saying this as an actor myself but i've never met a group of people who take themselves more seriously, who speak about their craft like it is a profession that is useful in some way. And love to tell stories about things that you've never heard of, about people that you've never heard of. And the stories will often go on for up to 20 25 minutes i think that would be the worst person on the island to have because they're useless they have no skills and they are so boring and they have an incredibly high opinion of themselves you know you just had to see in the pandemic actually i'm going to come back to this later with one of my other choices but the amount of people that were like my work my work is very important and so here I am doing a zoom monologue to an audience who have paid and it is irrelevant and I know that like I know that during the pandemic there was lots of stuff that was like

yeah but tv got us all through it true but people talking about their craft I think actors talking about their craft actors going up to like accept awards and being like this is in a very important role this is incredibly important that I told this story it's like you don't need any more praise you get enough now don't tell me about a version of hamlet that you did at haymarket theater in 1993 yeah yeah i agree i mean i i haven't met many actors you know but yeah it's just a real sort of earnest thing like yeah on cbbs there's a book at bedtime thing and they get famous people to do it you know so i think tom hardy one once. And he's reading this child's story. But he's, you know, he's intense.

He's brooding. You're reading a kid's book to kids. It's okay. Like, the kids don't care. Read them a story in a funny voice. It's wild. I got obsessed with watching, like, theatre trailers on YouTube, which is basically just where, like, you know,

a theatre will promote its most recent play and they'll have interviews with the actors and they'll have snippets of the play. And the actors are always like, you know, it's emotional, it's raw, it's evocative, it's the best play you'll ever see. It's wonderful. It's, it's life changing. And it's like a fucking play about a dog or something you know like it's so shit and stupid also they're usually about 150 pounds a ticket and it's it's this like incredibly impenetrable to the general public profession yeah the needs to stop taking yourself so seriously because i mean you can boil it down to the point where you're like, you're just pretending to be people, mate.

Yeah. And at the same time, it's incredibly difficult. I imagine sometimes you have to pour your whole heart and soul into it. Probably affects you in your own time when you're really trying to do this challenging character. Yeah. But at the same time, you are just pretending to be someone. Yeah. So here comes my here comes my sort of balance on the scales voice. Being an actor can be hard at times. You know, the lifestyle, for instance, is very, you know, there's no security. You're up for like scrutiny and judgment a lot. But I'm talking about like a person who is specifically like on stage collecting their awards for instance or talking in the green room about a

job that they did um or telling you about a play that they're in that is life-changing those those specific people or or scenarios and their their transportions there's island and i have to listen to this all the time there's no let up to like that level of sort of oh you've completely disconnected from the real world like you are talking about this your craft like it is yeah brain surgery yeah i can imagine them sort of mentioning something like oh of course you know in such and such when he says that famous line you go yeah i know the line but they recite the whole thing for you and you're like yeah you're like, yeah, I know. It's like when you're young and you're at a house party

and someone starts rapping at you or something, and you're like, oh, where do I look? This is awful. And that's like, I feel like they were very much the precursors of that sort of awkwardness. A hundred percent. The old actor who wants to like read out a soliloquy from Hamlet or something.

Or just be like, I remember it was 1982. I was doing a little version of Othello at the Theatre Royal, jury lane, of course. And we had, gosh, the lead part, Ophelia, was played. But, you know, and you're just like, I don't know what you're talking about. Stop. Well, no, I think these are a really good trio of dicks because you know

you've got the threat you've got the someone who's a pain in the ass you know in a sort of actively slagging you off kind of way but you still have to care for them and then you've got just the fucking drone of a seasoned actor you know and i think bouncing between the three of them is going to drive you slowly mad. So I think you've done really well on the people. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements,

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to Lipsononads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. We're going to move on now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I'm actually quite a good eater like i i love food and i don't i find it difficult you know like if you asked me what my favorite food was i i would find it impossible so there's not that much stuff that i don't like i've put like the

yolk of an egg which is disgusting octopus which i find i don't actually find it disgusting but i'd find it really sad to eat but the one that i i can't abide is like a trendy sourdough sandwich okay yeah yeah because i love sandwiches it's probably my my favorite food but there's something about a trendy sandwich that is like eight or nine pounds that has two like massive very thick pieces of bread that have tough crusts yeah that has a filling that is usually dry because they haven't put enough sauce in there and will just immediately fall out as soon as you start eating it and they put some sort of like oil on the bread so it's like wet but it's also dry I honestly I can't like the other day I was like I had this I have this little office I sometimes write in and it's surrounded by like trendy food

shops and everything is like off the scale expensive and it's all sandwiches but there's no place you can just get like a bap or like a roll or like you know like two pieces of hovis bread cut into triangles with like ham and mayonnaise and mustard and cucumber or like chicken mayonnaise or like tuna mayo it's all like truffled mushroom with tofu or or sort of i don't know pork belly with cabbage yeah it's it drives me up the wall when you're making them doesn't anyone think this is about three times the thickness this is so far beyond what a human mouth can stretch to it's like with burgers and they have to like stick a fucking skewer through it. So like, why is it so tall? Why is all the food so tall now?

It drives it. And the thickness of the bread is just, and then sourdough especially. I like sourdough, but it's toast. But this is like, it's often very holey. So all of the ingredients like roll through it or fall out. It isn't a sandwich bread. And i'm just going to say it again it isn't a sandwich bread especially when it's that thick remember the beginning when i said i wasn't going to get angry oh it's okay you know we'll come out the other end and you'll you'll feel lighter and it'll be cathartic maybe i don't know i don't know

if people agree with me though because i've tried to have conversations with people and they're like sourdough is delicious and i'm like it's not a sandwich bread yeah baguette fine as long as it's not dry a dry sandwich is my worst nightmare you know when you sometimes go to prayer and you get a sandwich and somehow the ingredients have like been pushed down so the first two bites have no ingredients in. That's also my worst nightmare. A sandwich without enough moisture. Mayonnaise. I don't know.

I need mayonnaise, cream cheese, sweet chili sauce. Something in there that's going to be moisturizing. It's weird, though, as well. I think with these sort of hipster sandwiches that we're talking about, they look great. It's Instagram food. Yeah, and they're, you know, ooh, they've tied it up with some brown yeah and they're you know oh they've tied it

up with some brown paper and string you know and that looks great and then you try and carry it and it all falls apart and this the paper's great but you know it it looks nice but it doesn't work yeah i think i resent i mean i suppose this is desert island so i'm not paying for food but i there's nothing that riles me up more than like when you've paid quite a lot and it's bad yeah yeah i don't think that's specific to me i think that's very broad i find like um the vegetarian option i'm not even vegetarian but i'm like angry for vegetarians because i'm like the vegetarian option is always overpriced and then you get it and it's like i don't know risotto without any flavor or like quinoa

or like a very very wide mushroom oh god i can barely speak on the subject okay well look we'll change tacks slightly what would your drink choice be what will you try and wash this crap dry sandwich down so i've got two choices but i think the latter is what i'm going to choose the one i was going to choose was like sort of starbucks like gingerbread latte culture you know there's like very heavy like creamy sugary drinks that are not coffee because i love coffee and i sort of i'm you know not in a cringe way but i i love a cup i love a cup of coffee but when. But when it's modified to the point of, you know, you can't tell it's coffee anymore because it's got so much cream and sauce and sugar in it.

No, on a desert island, that would be very, very tough for me. I would need like a pure espresso. But the one that I'm going to choose is tequila. Yeah. Because tequila is, for me, a great drink to have, a great thing to have in a cocktail, or even when you've had a few drinks and it's just like a shot, but neat on its own on a desert island.

God, it makes me gag. Yeah, yeah. When I was young, I used to really like it, but I think what I liked was the phrase, I'm going to get a tequila. Yeah. It's a cool word, you know. Yeah. Tequila or vodka. This is neat, by the way.

I will lap up a cocktail. If there's a mixer there, gimme. But this is neat. And it just, for me personally, it just makes me gag. Like when someone's like, vodka on the rocks, I'm like, how are you doing that? Yeah. Like a cigarette, you know know like i used to smoke i used to love a cigarette i would actually i would actually love a cigarette like the thought of having one makes me like you know i'm filled with excitement

joy pleasure and then i go to have one and i'm like retching yeah I'm also really bad because I every time I see I watched Band of Brothers the series recently you've ever seen that I haven't no it's brilliant but anyway they smoke constantly in that constantly these little like you know white roll-ups that just look so satisfying and they all look I'm just such a sucker for that like I as soon as I see anyone in a film an old film with a cigarette, like between the two fingers, just make it look so easy and cool. Or like one hanging out their lip like that.

I'm like, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. And then I go to have one. I'm like, well,

if you like, we could give you the shot of tequila with a little rolly on the side. Yeah. If that would be the icing on the alcoholic cake. And like being forced to eat like smoke and drink first thing in the morning okay ellie fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why yeah this was also difficult because there are many songs that i hate you know

that sort of end of a disco type song like living on a prayer summer of 69 mr brightside all of them could make the cut yeah i also like i i have a specific thing about children's theme tunes becoming like Bob the Builder, for instance, when that I remember that I used to take the charts when I was a teenager incredibly seriously. I would listen to it religiously every Sunday. Do you remember that? Yeah. And Top of the Pops, I used to watch every week. So when something like that infiltrated in it just struck me

as being like oh everyone's thick it's happened everyone's become thick like the Teletubbies are number one it's not it's not okay

this is music this is music I'm going back to the sourdough it's not okay to have a child's theme tune as number one in the charts maybe that would be my choice actually because i'm getting i can feel the anger raging when bob the builder was number one are you having are you joking it's a travesty but i wanted to maybe i'll choose that but i also have I have this really specific thing as well for

people who cover songs in like a kind of folky English accent and they're usually on the John Lewis adverts and it's like a really slow version of like an Oasis song someone's singing it in a kind of like very twee sort of like I'm going to live forever like really like pronounce like pronunciating like every syllable and that's hell to me as well yeah yeah like a folksy like cutesy cover of something there was an advert for McDonald's once which I think was about how it's open all night or something and um do you remember that like dance tune from the 90s like this is the rhythm of the night and it's like a 90s commercial dance tune so it's you know it's really fast and banging and they did a breathy cover of that it's like you know and there's a guy he's getting a hamburger for his

pregnant wife in the middle of the night and there's like some friends catching up over some coffee after the club and like which no one ever does because it's not america so it's like this is the rhythm of the night oh yeah oh lord no you can't do that i also find when people cover hallelujah oh god really toxic i fucking hate that i find that really toxic. Like when they put loads of trills and sort of chord changes and frills and shit all over that, that's really tough. But there are a few covers that are really good. Like Rufus Wainwright did a really good cover of it. More recently, I think Alexandra Burke did a cover of it that was just all over the place in terms of showing off her vocal range. And it's like, that song is so beautiful. It doesn't need that. A recurring theme on this podcast is like things that are so close

to something that's great, but it's not, you know, so if it's a song you loved but you just hear the shit version of it yeah it's really it's really tough i i think i i found it like my first i remember my first like when i was like really riled by a cover and it was will young's cover of like my fire oh man i had to listen to that recently do you know what i have like a very soft spot for will young i think he's a really lovely person but that cover was illegal and the video was even more illegal and there was a bit at the end that i always used to see with my brother and not he he isn't actually called jeff it but jeff it and because obviously the original

is is one of the best songs ever but it's like he goes into this bit where he's like oh girl all you gotta do is light my fire, Lahid, Lahid, Lahid, and it's like, why? Who in the studio

was going, do you know what, when you did that bit where you went, Lahid, Lahid, Lahid, that's a big tick

and we'll keep that there. So, are we going to go with a sort of a shit breathy cover then as this choice, do you think? Yeah,

I think so. I think a shit breathy cover and as, as, as this choice, do you think? Yeah, I think so. I think a shit, I think a shit breathy cover. And I don't know, like I should have had one specifically, but I think I'm just going to do broadly. We can have a compilation like a, now that's what I call shit breathy covers used on adverts 98. Yeah. Yeah. Or, or the imagine song they sang in the pandemic. Yeah. Oh God. That was a nightmare from hell hell but also kind of amazing

quite inspirational to to like material and when you saw you know keep going through them and then it was like oh not you i respected you i know i know when i saw kristen wig i was like girl yeah come on you're funny um well we've sort of moved on to talking about film stars this is my segue it's a bit clunky but uh what would your film choice be my film is gonna be and i'm gonna say i'm gonna say this quite decisively because i've got a couple of other options but i feel like i'm just being so indecisive it's the hobbit yes okay because lord of the rings is probably the trilogy peter jackson trilogy is probably up there with like my all-time favorite films okay and so when I heard that they were making The Hobbit into a trilogy I already despaired

but as this podcast gets on I'm getting angrier and angrier is that normal yeah it does happen but it's like it's not funny anymore it's just like my hand has bashed the table in a kind of like blade shape about 18 times um the book is like a family rump you know like it's it's silly because the lord of the rings is an epic trilogy like it is an epic story that you would just make into three films but the hobbit is like a kind of like a family romp basically like it's quite silly it has loads of like fun sort of stupid bits in it and the characters are kind of sillier in a way and then they've tried to make it into this like three film like cash cow epic there's loads of CGI in it which Lord of the Rings doesn't have that much of. So it completely ruins it. And it's just bad.

It's just a bad, bad, bad, bad baby of a film. I just wish in so many areas of the world people went, do you know what, that was really good. And I think we'll leave it there and just be happy that we did well. The thing is, is that I'm not like a massive fan of fantasy. Like I never watched Game of Thrones or anything like that massive fan of fantasy like i never watched game of thrones or anything like that but but i loved the books of the lord of the rings i think it's an amazing story like the story is incredible and it's just like you know classic tale of like good versus

evil essentially and it's epic and and the film doesn't go too far that you feel like it's a real world like you totally believe in it and think that's probably because there's not that much cgi there is obviously a lot of it but it's not too much of it and then when stuff gets into like the fantastical like cgi you know world i'm like i'm out i'm gone i don't believe this anymore this can this isn't real yeah this isn't real like i think with fantasy like when you when i read I read like the Harry Potter books originally, I was like, this could be real.

This could be like a real world. I might get a letter that says I'm a witch and I'm going to Hogwarts. And it's like, you have to believe that. Well, are you an elf? Are you a, are you a man?

Are you a dwarf? Like I want to be part of that world with the Hobbit is like, I don't want to be any of you because you're not real. God, I need to calm down of that world, but The Hobbit is like, I don't want to be any of you because you're not real. Oh God, I need to calm down. Okay, well look, I think it's a solid choice and we're on to the last section now, which will relieve you

because finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I'm a spider-phobe. That's not what you call it. What is it? A rat-nephobic. A rat not what you call it. What is it? Arachnophobic.

Arachnophobic. And there is a type of spider called a camel spider. Please look it up. Okay. Let's have a look. It is fucked. It is absolutely disgusting. I've never seen anything like it.

Number one, they're huge. They look like sort of ant scorpion they're like a hybrid between like an ant a scorpion and like a it has like oh and they're big as well like there's a picture of someone holding it and it's the size of a hand an adult hand yeah it's it's fucked that is fucked like imagine if they were overrun on an island oh oh god yeah that's really bad and and there's a picture of someone's hand with a big thing in it so it looks like they can easily kill you and detach bits of themselves and you've got big jaws it looks a bit like a scorpion and a tarantula had a baby yeah exactly and you know what i don't even dislike spiders but i'm gonna have to shut this browser window quick shot no it makes I looked it up again this morning and I got like shivers like across my body like just

straight away but I think the thing is is that I I love watching insects like I'm I'm kind of obsessed with them in in like a like I spent quite a lot of the pandemic watching like videos about insects and if they're at a safe distance I'm like fascinated by them but anything that has to be on me or near me or around me I'm like get gone get gone so that or like some sort of parasite would be awful like a bot fly that like made its way into your ear and like laid its eggs in there that's a horrific thought oh that is awful yeah there's always that thing when you've got an itchy ear or something and you're like is this a normal thing remember those stories of like people who were like oh god i you know i had some i had like a little pain in my ear and

it was fine i live with it and then eventually just got really bad and i went to the doctor and there was a wasp's nest in my ear and you're like how how have you been living with that inside you or like tapeworms oh man yeah or like parasites and they grow to like 16 feet inside your body i've listened to a podcast and someone mentioned something about a parasite and sushi and i couldn't eat sushi for about six months i'm not even a squeamish person but it was like and I work in the media so for me to not eat sushi for that long is you know it's difficult you know yeah you're gobbling up the stuff so that would be really really hard I think and I don't think there's any disputing that really I feel like a couple of my choices like the sourdough bread I think I would I can imagine

people being like what sourdough sandwiches lovely I don't know why that accent would be like would be someone who loves sourdough but this I'm like oh no this is objectively bad this is objectively really really bad this is bad we're in a bad situation here yeah I agree that thing that I just looked at was horrendous and I would freak the fuck out if I had to deal with that weirdly I really like snakes don't get me wrong I don't want to be bitten by a snake. I'm not like, I'm not like too keen on the idea of like being in a pit of wild snakes. No. But when one's tame and it's, you know, not going to bite me, I love it.

You know, I think snakes get a bad rep. And I think that's because of the Bible. And it's not the only thing I take issue with in the Bible. No, I love the Bible. I love the Bible. Of course you do. We all of the Bible. And it's not the only thing I take issue with in the Bible. No, I love the Bible. I love the Bible. Of course you do. We all love the Bible. Yeah.

So there's some great stuff in it. Ellie, you know what? It's been an absolute pleasure having you on the podcast. Oh, it's been great. It's been really fun. I've got so angry. And I'm actually like, when you said it would be cathartic, I feel better. You do? Oh, good.

Well, let's distract people by telling them all about the wonderful things you've been in. So on iPlayer right now, you can see your show with Tash Dimitriou, which is brilliant. And I would have said that to other people had you not been here, because I genuinely have really enjoyed it. Oh, that's lovely to hear. Thank you. And then where's the best place to sort of keep up to date with what you're up to? What is this to the listeners? Like where they can see what I'm doing?

Well, I'll tell them it's nothing. It's absolutely nothing. The show came out. I've got nothing else on. And I don't know when I'm going to work next. So good luck to me. Well, that seems a fitting point to end this podcast on. But Ellie, it really has been an absolute pleasure.

Thanks for being a guest on Desert Island Dicks. It's a pleasure. so there you go that was desert island dicks with ellie white there and i hope you enjoyed it desert island dicks has been a sync clap production created by james deacon produced and presented by me dan benedict, edited by Chris Attaway. And we get social media support from Jason Leitch and Chintzy Clinton. And a big shout to John Deacon, as always. That's about it from us. We'll be back with another stunning guest next week.

So please subscribe and then it will just go straight to your phone or your computer or wherever you listen to it. And we will be eternally grateful. So thanks for listening. Bye.