Desert Island Dicks - ELOISE CARR

Episode Date: December 13, 2017

Another week and another excellent guest! This week we're joined by radio presenter, producer, jack of all trades and master of none, Elose Carr. Follow us on twitter and facebook @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Forget the frustration of picking commerce platforms when you switch your business to Shopify, the global commerce platform that supercharges your selling wherever you sell. With Shopify, you'll harness the same intuitive features, trusted apps, and powerful analytics used by the world's leading brands.

Sign up today for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash tech, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash tech. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices.

Sierra, let's get moving. Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is someone that you might hear on the radio with Ronan Keating but she doesn't want to talk too much about that. No, no. You might hear her

on her own show but she doesn't want to talk about that that much. She's a jack of all trades master of none in her own words. Eloise. Hello, Eloise.

Hello. I'm like Madonna I've only got one name. Eloise Carr. Yeah. Sorry. It's just because I know you so well I just got one name. Eloise Carr. Yeah. Sorry. It's just because I know you so well. Just my pal Eloise.

Yeah. Eloise, who's going to be your first dick for your Desert Islanders? Okay. I'm going to go in hard. Whoa. Okay. I'm going in with my number one dick. Okay.

And that is James Corden. Oh, James Corden. I think a lot of people have finally caught up with this view now, but it's been a slow burner. And unless you live outside of the UK, you probably still love him. But James Corden, he isn't a nice guy. Okay.

And that is why he's my number one dick. This funny guy, I'm cuddly, and I'm like, lad thing. It's bullshit. Might I swear on this? Yeah. It's bullshit. So he belongs to an era, I'm cuddly, and I'm like, lad thing. It's bullshit. Might I swear on this? Yeah. It's bullshit. So he belongs to an era, I think, where anyone and everyone could get on a, you know,

sketch show thing. And, you know, even my mum could have got on one if she wanted to. Right, yeah, okay. She didn't. She just didn't want to do it. People will be out there now going, yeah, but you didn't do it. I didn't want to, mate. I didn't want to do it. People will be out there now going, yeah, but you didn't do it. I didn't want to, mate. I didn't want to. And also, I've just got one thing to say.

I've got more things to say, but this is my one thing at this moment. Yeah, okay. Lesbian vampire killers. What's that? His stupid film that he was in about, I don't know if he wrote it a bit, but I wouldn't be, you know, shocked

if I heard that he wrote the script for it. But it does what it says on the tin. I've never heard of that. There's some lesbian vampire killers. Are you joking? I've never heard of that before this moment in time. Well, don't waste any hours or minutes of your life on it because you'll just never get it back, ever.

I believe that it might have the all-time lowest review on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, wow. I'm going to go through in stages my hatred for James Corden and how it developed. I'm going to start with Patrick Stewart. Sir Patrick Stewart, to you and I. Patrick Stewart didn't come across very well in this bit,

but he ends up looking like a saint with a heart of gold because of James Corden. So basically there was some awards due and patrick stewart goes on and um he starts to say uh james when you're in the background when people are doing their awards don't put your hands in your pocket she could at least look interested and then james corden comes on the mic just you know take it james take it yes he comes on the mic and he's like yeah some of us are thinking that you should hurry the fuck on. And I know. Wow, just snap back with that.

So it starts. And then Patrick Stewart, this is where he sort of loses it, right? And he goes, we could see your belly from the back, which is a bad comment. Okay, so that's a low blow. Low blow, fat shame him. But then James Cordenen not to be outdone by this so sorry i'm just waiting for the punch line you know because it's it's all fun watching

you die a death up here and everything but and then so he carries on the snarking carries on and then um the person comes up who's supposed to present the award and patrick stewart's son's back and all you can see is james corden ripping it into patrick stewart who's just facing forward and ignoring it and and he's just like going and it's it's horrible screaming at him well just i don't know what he's doing but he looks angry as anything oh my god the the reason the fact that he bit back after the first thing he should have just said oh yeah sorry i'm not really doing that i might look like it he should have made it part of his shtick but he didn't he thought no do you know what i'm gonna go in on sir patrick stewart and that makes him look more of a dick

than patrick stewart yeah yeah second part have you heard about the flight story no so there was a baby on a business class crying his little eyes out pat Patrick, not Patrick, Patrick Stewart creeps back in. James Corden, who you would think would complain about this, doesn't. Instead, he sits down, he watches loads of films, he puts his eye mask on, put his earplugs in, has a little bit of a doze. And then when it gets to the end, you would think that he'd be really kicking off because there's like seven hours of this kid crying, right? Didn't say a word.

Everyone was very impressed. And then when the plane landed, the passengers were surprised when James Corden remained seated as the woman was struggling with the baby and they thought, oh, he's not helping. That's a bit rude. And anyways, the woman, even more surprised,

turned around and said, for fuck's sake, can you at least hold the baby while I get all of the bags down? helping that's a bit rude and anyways the woman even more surprised turned around and said for fuck's sake can you at least hold the baby while i get all of the bags down that turns out that the woman was his girlfriend and the baby was his child oh and if that isn't true i don't know if it is but that's the rumor the fact that you can believe it's true means that it probably is, in my opinion. Okay, yeah. Third of all, Ant and Dec's Saturday night takeaway.

Yep. They did one of those things, you know where someone has the earpiece in and they're pulling someone's leg? Oh, yeah, like a hidden camera thing. Yes. So someone parked in his parking space on the Late Late Show

and he pulls up and someone's in his parking space and basically, to cut long story short, he practically, without saying the words, says, do you know who I am? This is my space. He gets really angry, but he doesn't quite use those words

because the guy is sort of like, hi, it's just us. And it's all very awkward because he's not finding it funny. He's rowing with the guy. And then obviously there's that recent mistake about the Harvey Weinstein stuff. Basically, two faces, very cheeky, lovable guy

versus that moron that you wish you would keep in the past that thinks it's okay to make jokes about sexual assault and pass it off as, you know, I'm shaming the abuser. Yes, okay. Right, none of that. Basically, if you've got eyes and a brain... If you've got eyes and a brain... Then you'd basically agree with me that this should be back in 2012

where Smithy was last seen or heard of. And he should have just stayed there. Stayed there, yeah. So I'd love to use a C-bomb, right? Because someone once tweeted me when I was having a bit of a moment about James Corden on Twitter, and someone once tweeted me, direct messaged me, a celeb, and said, you're right, Eloise, he's a C-bomb.

Ah! C-bomb. Really? Yeah, a celeb. Okay, James Corden, he's there on your desert island. Eloise, who's going to be your second choice? Right, I don't know be your second choice? Right. I don't know if I'm allowed this one.

But I want to put this under a social media dicks umbrella. I like it. Yeah, let's do it. So there's three lots of people in this social media dicks. Okay. And I know people, you probably know them as well, who do this. So one social social media dick, is the person, like say a celebrity dies. So say when George Michael died,

the people that would go like, lovely guy, met him once, he was an absolute pleasure. You know? Okay, yes. Like it's not about you. That's what I want to say to those people. Second person.

All they're trying to do there is just boast that they... That they've met them once. I know. It's not... They're not paying respects. No. They're just boasting about their own. Just an opportunity to have a little boast

and be like, hey guys, I hang around with celebs. Once I looked at one. Yeah. Like that. I saw him on the tube once and he was so nice yeah I had the pleasure

of meeting them once that's how it always starts I had and as soon as I see those words I had the pleasure of meeting them once I'm like fuck off mate

yeah I might not swear on this so I'm loving the freedom of swearing it's got the explicit warning on it yeah because I work like

on magic where you're not allowed to say anything naughty. It's absolutely lovely to have a good old swear. You can say it. Fuck, shit. Prick.

The podcast is called Desert Island Dicks. I think it's fine. Of course it is. I forgot that. That's all right. Is there anything... I edited the C-bomb. I might not say that. Cunt.

Cunt! Liberating. I love it. Yeah. Okay. And under this social media dicks umbrella is the other people who have children who are not on Facebook or Twitter. Right.

And obviously because they're children. Yes. And they will post, happy birthday to or Twitter. Right. And obviously because they're children. Yes. And they will post, happy birthday to darling little Ryan, who's three today. Mate, Ryan is not on Facebook and can't see it. Yes. So say it to your actual darling Ryan's face

and not on social media. I think it's so spot on. It's like, I tell you, all the people that like and comment on that are the people that also do that. Also do that. Yeah. Or don't want to lose that friend because they've got some, like there's something they want from that friend.

Right. I'm calling it out. No, yeah. Yeah, for sure. And then the last little segment of that social media dick is the people, now this one might be controversial. Hmm. When someone, that the way not me farting that's my foot rubbing up i can't make the noise again to prove it but i didn't fart um is the people that like someone died like a family member okay r.i.p. But they post on social media,

thinking of you today, Nan. Okay. Your Nan is not on Facebook. She's not up in heaven or whatever. Logging on. Yeah. She's not. Was she even on it when she was alive?

That's all I've got to say. It's true. It's so true. I realise I'm going to be in dicks one day. One day you'll have a guest here who'll be like, Eloise is a dick because of this. And I'm

okay with that because I feel like if you write those things, you're a bigger dick than I am. No, okay. You know it's true. And also, I'd like to take this quick moment to apologise to anyone that's come to this because they listen to me on magic and doesn't know that I'm such a potty mouth. I'm such a potty mouth.

I'll let you listen to it before I put it out, if you like. I don't care. Okay, great. Eloise, there are three great dicks because everyone knows these people. Yeah. And if you are that person and you're listening to this right now, you need to re-evaluate yourself take a good hard look at yourself maybe tweet to yourself about yourself that's you know probably what you would do eloise these three dicks are great because facebook has become this weird sort of wasteland for stuff like this right so i can't

go on facebook without seeing one of these three posts. Yeah. It's awful. I want to come off it. But the thing is, no one would invite me to anything if I came off Facebook because that's where everyone invites people, isn't it? Yeah. It's basically just my diary now and nothing else.

Birthdays and events, that's all I use it for. Eloise, who's going to be your third for the island? My third dick is Jaden Smith. Jaden Smith? Son of Jada Pinkett and Will Smith. Yeah. YouTube and social media star. Okay, is that what he does?

I don't know, that's what I'm calling him. Yeah, sure. He's 19 and he's already been so famous for so long that he doesn't have any recollection of him being famous when he's younger do you know you know when what's your first memory uh how old were you maybe about four maybe about four so to him four is like being 10 because he's so young does that make sense okay yeah i'm with you so there are photos for instance of him walking a red carpet that he will not remember because he's so young.

Right. Anyways, that's not my issue with him. And I feel a bit mixed about this, and at the end I'm going to have a conclusion, but I'll get to that, I'll do a beginning, middle and end to this. Love it. Love that.

So I've had to make notes on this because I can't remember all of the amazing gems that he said. Please, dive in. Let me get out my notes. So, first of all, I kind of love and hate him because he tweets some real batshit stuff, right? Yeah. Such as,

how can mirrors be real if our eyes aren't real? And that got like 44,000 likes. Wow. If our eyes aren't real. How can mirrors Wow. If our eyes aren't real. How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren't real? Okay, that's a great jump off point. Second one I saw, this got 56,000 likes. Trees are never sad.

And he went to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding, right? Dressed as a Batman, but a white Batman, so a white suit. And the reason being is because he said he thought he needed to protect people. And then... What is he protecting people from? God knows. Okay. Probably himself.

Yeah. And then he started to do this artwork, right? Okay. And I kid you not. Okay, do you remember? This might be no offence to your age, but you might not remember this. Go on.

Joe Wicks in EastEnders. No. So he was, oh, what was his, I can't remember his young... The body coach. No. No, the character. The character, but I know, yes, exactly, but no, the character. He was the son of that one that's in Spandau Ballet, Martin Kemp.

Yep, I know, yeah, yeah. Slash Gary, can't remember which one was the actor. Martin Kemp, yeah. Martin. Anyways, there's this bit where he goes a bit mad and he scrawls all around the walls, right? Like, all over the walls. Okay.

It's nonsense and scribbles, basically. So Jada, Jada? Jaden did a piece of artwork which basically looked like Joe Wicks' bedroom. Wow, okay. And then he was like, guys, I'm going to leave this out in the open for someone to get.

But the brilliant thing is that people found it but they didn't keep it because it's so crap. And it was like, has anyone got it yet, guys? And then he eventually found out that someone had picked it up but they didn't know it because it was so crap. And it was like, has anyone got it yet, guys? And then he eventually found out that someone had picked it up, but they didn't know what it was. Oh, wow. Just because it was so shit. I felt really bad for him then that he thought this was an amazing thing,

like a treasure hunt. But hopefully it'll make him realise that he... Well, no. No, OK. Because then he went on to start this thing which he calls an initiative, but I think it's more... Well, it's called the Mystery School.

It's not exactly clear what it is, but it seems to be that there are rules of things that you can't say, like decadehedron. I think I've said that wrong. Decahedron? Dodecahedron? Dodecahedron.

Yeah. And, like, for instance, if you say that word, you'll die. But I don't... So, as far as I can gather, so he's got an initiative called the Mystery School. You can't say dodecahedron. Why not? Because someone will die.

Okay. And that's about all I can fathom from this. That is insane. But he's got a website on it and everything. It doesn't make any sense. I can't believe that that's actually a real thing. I know. But this is where my 360 comes now.

Okay. He's got these crazy tweets. He has got a school that he started and he goes to people's weddings dressed as Batman to protect people. Okay. But do you know what makes me conflicted about calling him a dick? That's all dickish, right? Yeah.

I think he's having a song. I honestly think that he's tricking us all and we've all bought into it, which makes me a dick for thinking he's a dick. Amazing. Because once, right, in an interview he put me and Willow, that's his sister,

whip my hair back and forth, our scientists, he said, so everything to us is a scientific test upon humanity and luckily we're put in a position where we can affect large groups of human beings at one time. So he's basically saying that fame is his lab.

And he's just having... And social media is his... We're his guinea pigs. Oh my god, that's so good, but also terrifying. Yeah. So the more people buy into his crap, the more it makes an ass out of you and i oh interesting okay so uh he's on there just for you know messing with my head so he basically

has told us that that's what he's doing i can only find one reference to that but i feel like he is so out there that he i mean his parents are normal right how do you mean normal inverted commas none of us are normal yeah um but i'm told aren't they saying no they are not scientologists i tell you they try they would apparently according to um oh that woman that's in king of queens she was a uh her name's lee leah okay she anyway she was a scientologist and she writes in her book that they went around to tom cruise's house um who was trying to recruit them and played they played hide and seek together jada pinkett will smith tom cruise and this lee lady they all played imagine those grown-ups is this-and-seek in Tom Cruise's house. According to this book it is, by former Scientologist Lee, whatever her name is.

They played hide-and-seek as adults. I feel like I need to Google her now. Yeah. Anyway, so they never got recruited. Because they... Well, they were just like, whoa. Did he just not find them, or did they think... I haven't read that part of the book.

Oh, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. To be honest, I've not read the book. I only read an excerpt from it. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be honest, I've not read the book. I only read an excerpt from it. Right. But yeah, so they're not Scientologists. Okay. So, okay.

So there's not that. When, how did you find out all of this information about Jaden Smith? Oh, I'm obsessed with him. Really? Like, I am obsessed. Are you? Like, honestly, even probably like yesterday yesterday i was going through there's like websites upon websites of his mental tweets oh wow and they are oh just amazing like he talks

about how he's gonna throw up all the time like what's he talking about what on his tweets yeah he's like oh that was so good i've just thrown up or he'll be like guys i'm gonna throw up now like so most of his tweets must be about crying or thrown up. Or he'll be like, guys, I'm going to throw up now. Like, so most of his tweets must be about crying or throwing up. So sometimes he'll be like, every time I'm in an Uber, I cry. And like, then he'll post videos of him literally crying. Fine, let it out. Yeah.

I believe in that. But I also think it's hilarious that he's tweeting about all this weird stuff. It's amazing. I love and hate him because I watch him like I watch a car crash. Wow, okay. I don't actually watch car crashes.

I don't know why I said that as my analogy. You can't look away. I can't look away. I'm with you. Amazing. So interesting. What a bizarre character. I know. Do you think he talks to many people in the real world? Oh God, no.

So he's just feeding it all through here, all through social media. I like to think that the Smiths just hang around with one another and no one else. This is another strange thing about jaden right he tweets about how he builds all his own furniture right so i've just got this image of him like popping off to like he's only 19 right popping off to bnq he posts videos of himself with loads of wood um and so

i believe that he is actually constructing stuff. But I imagine them just to be this family of like the Waltons. Yeah, then they just spend all their time in with each other. And making stuff and building things and attending the mystery school, whatever that is. Oh, wow. But Will Smith in an interview was asked if he thought that he gave his kids too much freedom of expression. He went, hell yeah! That was me doing an American voice but it wasn't very good.

Hell yeah! At 19 years old, I feel like if I if I said, at 19 if I said to my mum mum, I've started something called the mystery school, I think she might be a bit worried about me. Yeah. Or if I went into school and said I'd started something about the mystery, you Yeah. I think she might be a bit worried about me. Yeah. Or if I went into school

and said I'd started something about the mystery... You don't go to school when you're 19. No. If you went into university, guys, I've started something called the mystery school. I know, it's a cult, isn't it? You can't say the word... Don't take a e-drum.

Because everyone will die. I didn't say it. I know. Well, you did. You whispered it. I know. I'm going to die. Well, someone could.

I feel like we could do a whole episode on jayden smith i know i feel like maybe we'll do a bonus episode bonus episode on jayden i will bring all of my armory to that okay so much watch your space yeah all right i'd love to okay we park jayden. Okay. Okay. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now.

That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Eloise, now mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Oh, I forgot about drink. That's all right. Food.

So this is a food stuff, but not a food item. Okay. Cinnamon. But that also means anything with cinnamon on it. Just anything with cinnamon? It is literally the devil's spit. Oh, wow. It's so vile.

Like, so disgusting. I can't... Even like a cinnamon swirl? Oh, God, no. Even the smell is enough to put me off. To me, it tastes like... Like sawdust with a spice. Okay.

There's a weird... There's a back note to it. It is spicy, yeah. But I like spice. You give me Jalfrezi all day, every day. I'll have that. I'll even, if there was a powder, I'd even have the powder on its own. Okay, okay.

But it gets you in the back of the throat, the cinnamon. Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. It's like that. It's just vile. It is woody in a way, isn't it? If you get like a cinnamon stick, there's something woody about it. Gross. And then like, if I was going to pop a drink out of my head,

lemonade, boring. Lemonade? Dull, mate. Just all lemonade? Actually, do you know what? I feel like I panicked there. Because I've just remembered that homemade lemonade is bloody delicious. Cloudy lemonade is quite nice.

A cloudy lemonade is delicious. Okay, I'm going to go wine. Wine? Yeah. Okay, all wine? I believe that no one likes wine. Right, okay. I'm not talking about the bubble variety, because that tastes different.

But no one likes wine. Okay. Like, you all think you do, but you're actually just pissed by the time that you've realised that, you know, I'm having a lovely time, this is so nice, this wine. You're so drunk that your taste buds don't know what they're tasting. It's disgusting. Okay. And, second to that, it is a way for people to show off.

Right. I was at a meal with, this is a, I'm just going to pick up this name, Ronan Keating. Okay. Et al. The rest of my show team, so there's Harriet and producer Brian and producer Alex. And producer Brian, he's been on Desert Island

dicks before. He has, yeah. He is an uncouth man. Right? Yeah. But he, with no irony, and he wasn't joking whatsoever, was like, oh, there's some good legs on this. Swirling it round. And I was like,

you don't know anything about this wine, but you are drinking it and pretending that you do so that you don't look like a knobhead. And so there are two wine categories. The people that drink it because they're drunk and they've already had another drink somewhere else or they get pissed after one drink

or they want to look like they know what they're doing, which gives them a status symbol. Okay, and that's what Brian was trying trying on there i mean which sounds weird right because we all know brian brian has two t-shirts and one pair of jeans he doesn't care about status symbols at all but when it came to wine he tried to did you call him out at the time i laughed yeah i promptly though this is how uncouth I am, and this is why what I've just said is probably absolute bullshit because I don't know anything about wine.

I knocked, I reached for something and I knocked his whole wine over on his trousers. So he had red wine and pants. Like on the crotch. After he said about the legs. After he'd talked about his legs. Which is karma. That's karma. Karma. So cinnamon and wine can get about the legs. After he talked about his legs. Which is karma. That's karma.

Karma. So cinnamon and wine can get in the bin. People would make like a mulled wine with cinnamon. Oh, okay. I've been hoisted by my own petard now. Because I didn't think I liked mulled wine. And someone brought me one with a hint of cherry brandy in it. Oh.

Best thing ever. I'm almost certain it's brandy in it. Oh. Best thing ever. I'm almost certain it's got cinnamon in it. It has. You're right. You're absolutely right. Which is why I've been hoisted by my own petard, which, by the way, is a great phrase to say. It is, yeah.

So I said it twice. Yes, I have consumed something with cinnamon and white cinnamon, cinnamon and wine in it it and I liked it. Okay. I'd like to retract both of those. Okay. It's a desert island X first, everybody. Yes. And basically my caveat to that

is that if it's festive, it's fun. Okay. Merry Christmas! It's a Christmas special! Oh, bollocks. No, Christmas special Andy Bush next week. Eloise, fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work,

but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Song? Yes. So, whilst my instinct frets immediately to anything by queen who i think are one of the most overrated bands in the whole wide world and i can say that

as a music producer yeah um but then i'll also be roasted alive for that second of all i would then jump to the beatles who I think is the second most overrated band in the whole world. Both of which may make me very popular or very unpopular. But this one is going to be, this is going to make me very popular with everyone. Nickelback. Yes. And whilst there are worse songs in their repertoire,

How You Remind Me is going up there. And I'll tell you for why. Yeah. I've got a very embarrassing memory. Oh, yeah, this is good. Come on. Well, so I like my rock music. And I'm old school 90s, like grunge.

So I love Nirvana. Yep. Whole. Great. All of that kind of stuff. And this was the first song I think I'd heard in a very long time that was in the charts that had a rock edge. Because I think, when was this released?

Like 2003 or 2002? I'd say about, yeah. And it, yeah, so I was, I embraced it, right? I was like, oh my God, there's a rock song in the charts. Okay. Loved it. Actually, I think it's late. I think it's about 2005.

Anyway, so I went to a party and they were playing all these like townie stuff that's what i like to call it you know normal chart stuff yeah and then this song comes on and i lost my shit i cleared the dance floor determined to show my rock credentials and on my own head bangs around and i made them play it again and again. I'd obviously had a few wines, not wines because I think wines are shit. Mild wines. I had some mild wines.

And honestly, by the end of it, I knew all the words. And I looked around, and once I'd opened my eyes from headbanging, the room was empty. I was on my own, dancing to the third play of How You Remind Me by Nickelback. And it was at that moment that I caught view of myself in the mirror, which, by the way, if you're Jaden, you'd know doesn't exist because your eyes aren't real.

And I very much had that existential moment there as well. And I was like like who have you become and i vowed from that moment there on to never ever listen to that song if i could help it and then i got a job at absolute radio and we play it all of the time and i relive this embarrassing moment every day and you know what at these parties there's always like a boy that you fancy isn't there yeah if you're single At these parties, there's always like a boy that you fancy, isn't there? Yeah. If you're single.

I always find that there's a boy I fancy at these parties. Or a girl, whatever. And I think that's what I was thinking. Like, this will make me really cool because he'll think that I'm the cool one that likes the rock song. Yeah.

So for me, it's quite traumatising. I'm just imagining his second or third play. Look, guys, if we listen to it one more time you'll really like it I am absolutely mortified even thinking about this right now because the room was empty by the end of it

but I was just like keep going Eloise you'll get them the reasoning is so good so that's why that is a dick. Eloise, what's going to be your film choice? Okay, right. Again, I realise I'm not going to be popular on this, but Home Alone.

Home Alone. I know. So many memories. I know. But you know what? It's terrifying. It should be a horror film because why do those two robbers have it in

so much for a child that's weird if you know that you can't rob a certain place don't rob it robs somewhere else there's one kid at home it's likely that they're going to recognize you and be able to tell the police who you are because you're they're murderers. They're not going to kill that kid. No. So just be like, okay, there might be some really good shit in that house. But there's another big house because this is a street of mansions. Yes. So we'll go to another street of mansions.

The ones that are quite obviously empty. Quite obviously empty. And no kid with an assault course. Yeah. Second of all, if anyone actually did those tricks, that assault course, they would die. Yes. So the fact that there are two men that are pursuing this child

quite unnaturally, I do believe. Yeah. Second of all, all of these tasks, the first one for instance head blow torch on the head and hand burning blow torch on the head blow torch on the head you will be like this is a very bad idea i'm not going in there because this is the first thing yeah and but they carry on glutton for punishment it's ridiculous and second of all no third of all I'm on, aren't I? This is about the second one. Homeland 2.

Yeah, so it's connected. But again, the two robbers, robber men, why are they chasing him around New York? Just like, oh, shit. It's true. He's seen us. There's nothing we can do because we're not going to kill him. What are they going to do if they catch him?

Oh, that's weird, isn't it? So basically they are intending to be murderers. Okay, yeah. So it's a very dark film. There's almost a certain intention of murder in the second one. And on the first one really because again what would they have done

if they'd caught up with the kid why are they chasing the kid it's very true it's a film about murderers yeah

at Christmas so that's on my list amazing that being said I bloody love it and I'll watch it as soon as you put it in front of me

I growing up I wanted to be that kid oh I know didn't you just like do all that all those things I wanted to do that kid. Oh, I know. Didn't you? Just like do all those things. I wanted to do that rocking around the Christmas tree bit.

Oh, I learned a fact about that, right? So the dad, sorry, the mum was a fashion, worked in fashion industry. That's why she had loads of mannequins. Right. And another fact, so they didn't want to be mean about someone's weight or what they looked like when they talk about Buzz's girlfriend. You know how Kevin McAllister goes, woof, when he sees a dog? Yes, yes.

That was actually the son of the director dressed as a girl because they didn't want to have any girl to have to have their face in there. And to offend them. To offend them. That's really good. Good fact, right? Yeah, they're great fact yeah i don't i'm fully i'm gonna let you put this film in there because of uh the reason yeah the murdering but this upsets me so much i know i know i mean i did think that i

could probably say something like the lego film which i only got like half an hour in and I was bored to swear word. I feel like I oversweared. Yeah. So I'm censoring. Okay. Home Alone. Fine. Home Alone.

It's just creepy. Why are those two? Just leave that kid alone. I know. It's just weird, isn't it? Soundtrack's brilliant though. That song. Yeah, I know.

Excellent. Should I put a little bit of that song in here? Why not? There it was. Excellent, isn't it? Eloise, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Wasp.

Wasps. End of. Solid. Pow. There's really not a lot to say about the wasp. So I recently found out that wasps have to fertilise a fig so that you can eat a fig. What? Did you know that?

What happens if you eat and it's not been fertilised? I don't know, actually. I don't think they become a fig. Oh, OK. I think that's what it is. Right. So a wasp, a fig basically isn't vegan because often a wasp goes in to fertilise them. Right, yeah.

And can't get out again. Ah. So a wasp is often its decaying body or its larvae are in there. So, ah. So you can't be guaranteed that you haven't got a fig that hasn't got either larvae in it or a dead actual wasp body. That's insane. But that doesn't make them dicks.

But it does because it means that you've got fruit that you thought was vegan or a fruit that you just didn't want a wasp in. For me, I'm not vegan, but if you, you know, then you're fucked. So wasps were making figs non-vegan? Yes. Yeah. But that's not why they're dicks. No, okay. They're dicks because they just stab you.

They do. With their stinger. Yeah. And they, just because they don't like you or you smell sweet or you're in their way, there's every reason to sting, they will sting. But after that fact, I also watched a documentary where there's these little cute frogs, right, just trying to protect their babies.

And what these wasps do, big jungle wasps, there's probably an actual name for them, but we'll call them big jungle wasps. Yeah. What they try and do is stab them in the head so that they can then eat the babies. Oh, why? I know.

It's so mean. Wasps are... They're the dick of the jungle, of the animal kingdom. They're the dick. And I don't even really... Other than fertilising figs, why do we need them?

Why have we got them? Because there's a reason for all others. Do they eat spiders or anything? No. Do they pollinate for that? They don't pollinate at all. It's bees that do that. Bees do all the pollinating. Is it bees also that die after one sting? Yeah, the lovely bees that help us all out

and, you know, pollinating all our crops, etc. Wasps are nasty, aren't they? Wasps do nothing, yet they get to live on, lording it up. They're like, they are actually, you know, billy big bollocks of the world. You know, they're the ones...

Of the insect world. They're like the bullies, so they'll kick someone and they'll be like, yeah, fucking kick them! I know, yeah, yeah. And they'll do it again! Yeah. And then what did they do wrong? They just smelt of lovely sugar!

Yeah. So... Stink, do wrong? They just smelt of lovely sugar. Sting, sting, sting. Yeah, exactly. Whereas like, and cute bumblebees like, oh, I'm just going to pollinate this flower and this flower. And oh, it's a bit scary. There's someone very close to me and are they hurting me? Sting. Oh, I'm dead.

So that's just terrible, terrible. And I brought that to life to you by reenacting both a wasp and a bee there uh i'll tell you a funny story about wasp oh yeah so once uh me and my girlfriend early in our relationship we were having a picnic and she was eating a prawn sandwich right she she's eating it and she puts this prawn sandwich down. This wasp flies down, picks up a prawn and flies off with it. It picked up a prawn! It picked up a prawn!

That never happened! I have no reason to make this up. Oh my God. It picked up a prawn and flew off with this prawn. I'm not kidding. They're superhuman now. It just seemed so chuffed with itself. It was like, ooh, having that,

and just went off with this prawn. That is my favourite wasp-related story ever. Yeah, take that with you into the night. Yeah, I will stop telling people about the fig thing now. I'm going to tell them about one side of a friend that saw one pick up a prawn. It's the best thing ever. Excellent.

Eloise, anything else on horrible wasps? Nah. Imagine a whole island just overrun when we arrive. You're like, oh,

I might be able to stick this out until we get found. Wasps everywhere. Mate, if I had wasps, all the social media knobs, Jaden Smith,

James Corden, wine, actually, I might make an exception Corden, wine, actually I might make an exception to one, cinnamon, wasps, Home Alone, and Nickelback. You're having a terrible time out there.

I wouldn't even like to tell you what I do. Okay, Eloise, thank you so much for coming and sharing your Desert Island Dicks with us today. Pleasure. Eloise, if people Want to hear you Where can they hear you Well I don't want to

Be big headed about it all But I'm on a lot of places List them here I will list them First of all Social media is very important Yep Instagram

Eloise Carr There's no you in my name Get that filthy you Out of my name And Carr spelt with two R's Yep Twitter Eloise Carr there's no you in my name get that filthy you out of my name and Carr spelt with two R's yep Twitter Eloise underscore C

Eloise underscore C yeah and then if you'd like to hear these dulcet tones that are not as sweary you can catch me with Ronan Keating

and Harriet Scott on Magic Breakfast Show 6 till 9 or on my own show on Magic Chilled 12 noon till 4 o'clock. There she is.

That's my big list. Amazing. Thank you so much, Eloise. Thank you. Just, oh, weight off my shoulders. Bye.