Desert Island Dicks - ESHAAN AKBAR

Episode Date: May 4, 2021

Comedian Eshaan Akbar joins Dan to discuss the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with, discussing all manner of crappy people and things. It's a podcast, we think you'll enjoy it, and both of those statements means you should listen to it right now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today's podcast is sponsored by coffee. Give me some coffee. I'm really tired. I don't even like it, but I need it. So can I have some, please? That's not true. What is true is that this podcast features comedian Ishan Akbar, and he's really good. So I hope you enjoy this one. I've got to say from the beginning here that there is a bit of an issue for the last bit where suddenly, for some reason, the audio on his side went a bit weird but that's right at the end so don't worry just enjoy

it anyway and ignore that little bit i mean don't ignore it listen to it but just try not to get annoyed when the audio quality suddenly changes out of nowhere look this is this is what happens there's a pandemic going on i mean it's a miracle we can even still get podcasts made miracle is probably too strong a word but you, there's a lot going on. Everyone's tired. It's free content. Let's just enjoy it. Don't give each other a hard time.

Let's just be nice. Having said that, we do enjoy getting stuck into talking about things and people that he hates. So, I mean, the bit about being nice, you know, you've got to balance that with the nature of the podcast. I'm rambling slightly. If you ever listen to this and you think you'd like to have your say on who and what you

think are a dick then do get in touch dickspod.com slash contact or give us a shout on twitter or instagram at dickspod we haven't done one for a couple of weeks due to all the crazy stuff going on in my life at the minute which i won't go into but we do appreciate you getting in touch and we look forward to doing a bumper episode soon so there's the details for you if you're a newcomer to this and you like the podcast then please why not subscribe and leave us a rating and a review that would be lovely and if you're an old time listener and you've been with us for ages and you haven't done those things well frankly hey maybe it's time to do it I'm not going to give you a hard time you know it's just be nice that's all you know we've been here for a

long time we've i feel we've built up a relationship why not go and do it doesn't take long you know feel like you've done something today something good something altruistic um as you can tell i'm in a babbly mood so i'm just gonna stop now and let's get on with the podcast. It's Desert Island Dicks with Ishan Akbar. Hi I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ishan Akbar. How are you doing? I'm good, my friend. How are you? Yeah, not bad. Not bad, thanks.

I was saying before we started recording, I've been having a hectic morning, but I don't think the listeners want to hear about that. No, they don't, but it's probably a good opportunity to remind listeners that banks close their day's transactions at four o'clock, even if they're open till five. Yeah. I used to work in a bank. Okay. Well, not just that. This bank, it closes its counter service at one. Oh! God, banking's changed since i was a young man but um how are you today yeah i'm good i'm really good i've had a nice friday i had a very hectic

day yesterday so today was a bit more chilled uh i've just been doing a bit of life admin some comedy admin uh i've recently got a puppy during lockdown lovely and in the in the garden where she goes for her business it's a patio but because it's getting a bit warmer now the place stinks or is it just sort of heating it all up like yeah it's heating up all it's just a smell of piss is everywhere it's like a back alley in soho at the moment the garden and i you know you go online you look for solutions there's so much bicarbonate of soda in my garden right now i have no idea if it's gonna work so that's been my day fair enough okay well uh you know i think what we should do is put our

heads together and get stuck into putting some dicks on an island and we can distract ourselves from banking and faecal matter just for a short while at least. Thank you. How did you find the process of picking some dicks today? It's, do you know, it's such a revealing experience because you kind of think, well, I thought to myself, wow, I had these guys stored in the back of my head very quickly. It didn't take me long.

And I don't really think about these people very often, but clearly at some point in my life, deep in the recesses of my brain, I stored them as people I just don't, I have an aversion to. So all in all, it was easier than I would have expected it to be. Oh, good. OK, well, let's dive straight in then. Who's going to be your first choice for the island? So my first choice for the island, I'd be very surprised if this isn't an already quite a popular choice is joe wicks joe wicks okay yeah i think do you know what he's not i don't think he's been

on a huge amount of times actually i think he's he's one of those sort of jamie oliver characters that sort of like people go hot and cold with them a bit yeah the thing with here's the thing so my my attitude towards exercise is basically non-existent i it's just not something that i enjoy i just think to myself do you know what my card's marked i'm gonna die when i'm gonna die i'm just gonna enjoy myself between now and then why put myself through all this hassle to avoid the inevitable right because until we found a cure for death we're all gonna die so joe wicks i i used to like him when he used to do those cooking videos a lead in 15 all that nonsense um but then it's just this insane level of positivity from a man who is genetically blessed of course he looks after himself, there's no doubt. But if you just look at his hair,

you're like, you've got prime genes. So you can do all this nonsense. And throughout the pandemic, he did all this exercise stuff and I know he was trying to help the nation, but for me, it was just too much positivity and a very good looking man. I sound jealous. I'm not.

It's just, I think if I was stuck on a desert island, I'd want to be wanting to get out of that desert island. And Joe's going to make me get up early, do exercises that I'm incapable of doing. Yeah. And there's something about this sort of pitch of his voice as well. That's very sort of like, hiya. It's very, it's just a bit too. It's just a bit jarring, you know. Exactly. I think it just grates a bit. It's odd, isn it i used to you know this whole adage of like oh nice guys finish last or like if you're a nice guy you're not going to get the girl he's obviously a nice guy and i always used to be like oh oh you

know romance is so tricky people are so tricky what's the problem if i'm a nice guy like why is that a difficult thing but with joe i get it because he's obviously a nice guy i find him intensely yeah it's a real fine line with kind of personal trainers and things like that because it's like you know i'm not opposed to the idea of one day have it like i i used to before lockdown and stuff i used to enjoy going to the gym but yeah you look like you're in good shape you've got a good neck from what i can see on zoom thank you is that a compliment you've ever had he looks like he's got a fit neck it's not but i'll take anything i'm very needy so this is this is great i'm gonna be like wearing very low-cut low-cut t-shirts putting at the neck yes have a look at that um but my sort of issue is like even

if like so i'd go to the gym near work and even if there's a mate of mine from work they'll be like oh do you want to go together today because i'm going i'd be like no way i can't work out if i see anyone i know like i'd have to go to a different side of the gym not because i'm pulling any weird faces but i just can't i don't know I'm just self-conscious in some way so the idea of me having like a trainer they'd have to just be like the most neutral person imaginable like and I don't know if it exists this personality type that can at once push you to do more repetitions than you'd ideally want to do but also sort of just give it in a sort of yeah if you want sort of manner yeah exactly and the thing is one thing i find

really interesting about personal trainers and fitness gurus is that fitness for them of course isn't it's an all-consuming thing every aspect of their life is about fitness and nutrition whereas i'm a bit more of a multi-faceted individual right like i want to go to the pub drink some beers watch the game have a kebab and then go on a date have a pasta on the day you know what i mean like it feels like with fitness people everything is about fitness yeah and nothing else and i just don't know how they live yeah i think you just need to surround yourself with enough of it that like i don't know the personal trainers i used to see at the gym like you could tell like it was their whole life and they're wearing the tightest sort of top so you can see every one of

their rippling muscles and you're like yeah but what's what's beyond this like you know what's i don't know i don't i just don't think there's anything else can you imagine going on a date with joe wicks what that would be like yeah i think a lot of sort of being picky about the menu and in whatever restaurant yeah a lot really picky about the menu and in whatever restaurant yeah a lot really picky about the menu and then his grazing voice oh my god that's lovely um or something like that's a good impression of joe actually i'm surprised um and then like imagine imagine having sex with joe because you would always be physically at a disadvantage yeah you'd always be the weaker person with the shitter body and then you can't feel sexy can you yeah it's like did you come no i'm just really tired like you carry on i'm just

gonna close my eyes for a bit yeah exactly joe's just pounding away for 45 minutes turning into a hit hit training catching sight of himself in the mirror. And if you've lost his focus, it's like he's just looking at himself. He started filming himself. It's too late. Yeah, yeah. It's, I don't know. I just think there's such Marmite characters. If you don't get on board with them, like, that's it, really.

You're like, well, I can't deal with it. And it's weird because I quite like Jamie Oliver. You mentioned Jamie earlier. I quite like the dude. Like, he's cooking. He's really inoffensive and he's just trying to help people in his own way but don't take away Twizzlers I think the moment he took Twizzlers away from everyone the nation turned yeah yeah I find myself just going so

hot and cold with him it honestly depends on sort of what day of the week it is but broadly speaking I think he's okay you know I think he's done some good stuff but i can see how he'd great what i love is jamie i know this isn't about jamie oliver but the british people our red lines are so clear it's like turkey twizzlers the caterpillar cake these are institutions you do not mess with and there's a country that for 250 years ruled three quarters of the world how is those the two red lines i know i just think that's so much these days we're just sort of people who get really angry very quickly i think over over whatever it happens to be and you know at some points that's led to some quite

powerful situations but other times you're arguing about something completely ridiculous there has been more anger over a lady who put a cat in a bin than a prime minister who's killed 120,000 people. Do you know, it's absolutely mad. Yeah. I think more and more I get an idea of our sort of national personality as someone who like, you know, if you're at school and there's maybe a lad in the year above you who seemed a bit cool at the time. You know, he had his car first you know went out with all the pretty girls in your year yeah and he kind of sort of thought oh he's a bit of a dick but he's also kind of cool and then years later when everyone's moved on and got proper jobs

he's still the same person coming up to you at like a reunion going all right you're bell-ended giving you a dead arm and you're like yeah no you can't do that anymore yeah we're done it's yeah that's sort of how i see the United Kingdom a lot of the time. You know, specifically England just coming up to the EU going, you're a knob. A little rough with the hair and all that. Yeah, they're like, you can't do that anymore. Like, we're grown-ups now.

Yeah, and we've got children. Yeah, you don't own everyone anymore. Yeah. But Joe Wicks, okay, we'll get inside we're getting such a joe yeah i think you're right i just think anyone that that full of enthusiasm on an island when you just want to go joe joe let's just look at the sunset yeah it's okay hopefully someone will see the sos let's just chill please like i know there's a lot of saturated fat and coconut yeah but it's delicious yeah and it'll be like eucalyptus tree I know there's a lot of saturated fat in coconuts. Yeah, but it's delicious.

Yeah. And he'll be like, eucalyptus tree! It's just, yeah, he just needs the edge taken. It's just like someone needs to give him a constant audio processing. Just take the attack off his voice a little bit. I think someone just needs to say to Joe, Joe, you all right? Because it feels like he's always trying to make a good impression. Whereas I think someone just needs to put an arm around him and be like, have a burger.

Yeah. You'll love it. Definitely. Also, I mean, the whole thing about getting the nation fit, I mean, that is a positive thing. But it's also still very good for your profile as well. So I can't believe it's 100%, you know. Altruistic. Yeah yeah get the nation i want to basically because i've decided that i want to rally against this um i mean people will tell you just by looking at me that i'm running against

this notion of fitness anyway but i want to celebrate the people who are i want to do a cricket documentary about like the fat cricketers because i think they're just the best sportsmen they're international sportsmen who are fat, and they always inspired me to be like, you can be an international sportsman one day. And like fat snooker players, fat darts players, these guys are just, I love them all. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, there was Andy Fordham, the Viking in darts, who was at one point so large that he had a contest where he had to retire due to heat exhaustion. That is amazing. In darts who uh was at one point so large that he had a contest where he had to retire due to heat exhaustion that is amazing in darts and i mean what a good story though come on i know it was fantastic but i remember my friend texting me about it we were both really into darts at the time and we were watching it he was like oh andy fordham's gonna play phil the power taylor and then my friend texted me going, you've got to go and buy a copy of The Sun on your lunch break,

turn to page 18, and then he was checking out, have you done it yet? And I was like, no, what's going on? He's like, oh, I just can't wait any longer. Andy Fordham had to retire due to heat exhaustion. You know, even like a fat cricketer has to stand there in the sun all day in the West Indies or somewhere. He's just in a pub. How hot does it get in a pub in stoke in a pub throwing a dart that is see joe wicks is not going to give you fun stories like this is he

no no he's gonna go oh do you know what'd be lovely kale right now no no no no that was a really good impression thanks okay well joe wicks is going to join you on the island then who else is going to be there with you right number two so um your listeners may or may not be aware i had a former career as a banker um and so i was you know the person i'm picking now is someone who more people would have become au fait with because of the things that he did and it's a guy called bernie madoff okay yes it rings a bell yeah so bernie madoff uh he died a couple of years ago in jail but basically he went into jail because he was running effectively a multi-billion dollar ponzi scheme and there were celebrities global, all sorts of people were ploughing money into his thing.

And when the financial crisis happened, he told his sons, there is no money. None of it is real. I've fucked it. And the reason I don't want Bernie Madoff is because Bernie Madoff, know at the peak of his powers he had like seven boats 16 houses all across the world he was connected to everybody so it was this false sense of success that was built on nothing and for me having someone like Bernie Madoff on the island would lull me into a false sense of security and then when you fall from the top it hurts so for me having someone like bernie madoff he's going to get me involved in some sort of scheme

on the island that i don't really understand but it makes me feel safe and i've got a sea view apartment that's all i want but then one day the bailiff's going to turn around where's bernie he's on a fucking boat in jail i don't know and then i'm gonna be in trouble so that's the person i've gone for that's yeah that's good yeah i just i mean think anyone who has the sheer audacity to do something of that scale is just just sort of just beyond normal reckoning i mean it's you know lots of people want to like put away a few quid here and there you know if they're sort of that way inclined. But when you're, like, doing it on a scale of billions and you just kind of go, yeah, it'll be all right. Like, the level of kind of utter self-belief and confidence and just narcissism that you need.

I mean, just how do you live with people like that? thing is he was like he was able to convince big banks to give him money that he was then using to pay off other people who he promised a certain level of return to and to be able to do that and bankers are stupid at the best of times that's the truth i used to be one look at me now but to be able to do that on that scale if i was on an island with someone like that he has so much confidence i wouldn't believe anything my own judgment at all i'd be like you look like you know what you're doing even on an island you've made a suit out of straw and you look sick i'm gonna believe you yeah and i think that because that's the thing that's a person that'd probably also be good at convincing you that they're

different now and you'd be like look like that look, look, we've all heard the stories about him. But seriously, on the island, you know, nice guy. And one day, all those coconuts I've given him, I'm okay with having given them. Because that's going to come back tenfold. Yeah, exactly. He will magically be able to grow so many more coconuts. And meanwhile, he's ravaged an indigenous population in the corner of the island that i didn't know existed taking all their coconuts and giving it to me i'm like bro this guy's sick yeah it's funny isn't it i mean like

when we sort of think of like the nature of kind of huge capitalist enterprises like that yeah you know i'm not advocating complete socialism here but it's like yeah if everyone was like that and that's the ultimate thing to be you know it's like the tip of the sharp pointy end of capitalism like it just doesn't work because like we're all just crazy mad bastards you know yeah exactly you know if you're the best at something and that's what you turn into by being the best at that system of world governance you're like well it can't work if we're all the best at something and we just turn into absolute lunatics then maybe that's not the way to go yeah exactly because there's like i sometimes you know

i grew up in an asian household where my parents took it upon themselves to remind me that i wasn't good at anything and that gave me something to aspire to and then i meet other people often white who grew up in households where their mummy and daddy told them you are the best you can do whatever you like and they turn into such bitter bastards and i just think that i prefer my method but with bernie because he's just everything is possible people who say everything is possible are assholes because it's not and he will be able to convince me that a bridge is going to turn up on this island and i'll be safe and i'll get all the food that i want i don't know how he's going to do it but but yeah i'll tell you

what i think people who say that everything is possible we've usually done quite a lot already so it's not like they usually like i've been really lucky and worked hard as well and i believe everything is possible so now you at the bottom where you've got nothing have to believe it too like you didn't necessarily believe it was possible right at the start yeah you had no idea this was going to happen like this and there's a lot of people in the x factor who have that much self-belief but they can't sing you know it's not like it's all you know it's important to remind people it's not all self-belief you know there's a lot of people who like exactly you know like oh i'd love to play rugby for england but you know i only weigh 10

stones so it's not you know it's not going to work you know it just doesn't work but this is the thing like for so recently i don't know if you've seen some youtubers have taken to going into different career paths so jake paul recently had a fight with a former ufc fighter oh yeah but that generation of people are being told oh you can do anything right you know ksi for example he started his career screaming at videos on playing of him playing fifa just screaming when a goal went in or whatever he's got a rap album yeah and jake paul's fighting now he wants to fight floyd mayweather and you're like how what how there is no way anyone can legitimately accept this dude doing

this he's being told that anything is possible because he's got followers and he's got money but even then it's weird that that sort of generation of youtubers and influencers they're told and believe that anything is possible. And yet they spend their time kind of opening boxes on videos and, you know, and like reviewing lip gloss. It's like, yeah,

no, no. Anything is possible. Yeah. Well, this is anything you're like, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

real proper anything. I mean, like climb a mountain or like, you know, fucking swim across the ocean. Yeah. No, you want to unbox a Tamagotchi that you found okay fine you know good good up-to-date reference there

with the Tamagotchi enjoy that but Bernie Madoff then I mean we just yeah you're just never going to be able to trust the man and it's just going to you're just going to be constantly worrying about what's going to happen when you wake up each day yeah exactly and i can't i can't take that risk and also i know my personality which is that if someone sells me an unrealistic dream i will give up the t-shirt on my back and just to make it happen also i think he's going to have joe wicks under his spell in seconds isn't he like oh my god can you imagine those two together yeah and then he's going to have him like someone very fit and athletic

as his minion to do his bidding. Exactly. Exactly. And lean in 15 is going to become mil in 15. One mil, 15. Okay. All right.

Well, we've got the first two then. Who's going to be the final one rounding off this trio of dicks? The rounding off this trio of dicks is, so I'm a big football fan i love football um i'm a united fan the obvious choice would be ryan gigs because of the recent things that have happened but i'm gonna leave him out of it because it's a legal case or whatever else the person i'm going to go for is a legend of the premier league alan shearer okay interesting and what is it about alan the thing about alan is never has a

man so boring and so much money talking it is remarkable he would sit there and just point out the most obvious things to me the whole day if you see any of this guy's punditry he will say things like oh well if he'd headed that in it would have been a goal you're like well yeah it would have been alan that's how it works friend um and yeah i loved him as a player i thought it was brilliant but just in terms of conversation because now i'm stuck on a desert island i need someone to be able to talk to and of all the people that i could think of i was like this guy whose job it is to talk is the worst at it yeah and he's there sat next to ian wright who is a bundle of joy and personality yeah yeah and alan shearer just he would drive me what to shoot my own eyeballs because I mean I'm not a big football

fan right but it it seems like he's been doing that job for a very long time yeah and like you just think is the world I don't want to tar all footballers with the you know with the stupid brush but like is the talent pool that small in terms of ex-footballers who can also commentate that you end up with him for that long? Because surely there's someone who's knowledgeable and interesting out of the hundreds of football players that have been and gone in the time that he's been on air. Yeah, there are. I think because Alan Shearer is such a big name in English football.

He's a top scorer in Premier League history. He's a bit of a legend in that regard. He's been allowed. And actually, recently we've had Alex Scott, who is a footballer and she played for Arsenal, played for England, and she's taking on the football focus job. And because she's come in this new wave, new young presenter, who's knowledgeable, they're articulate, they're funny,

they make it interesting. So people, the Alan Shearers of the world are probably going to die out slowly because they just exist in pointing out the obvious all the time yeah like a you know if you had a political commentator who just said obvious things all the time like oh boris johnson said that the body should be piled high that's not a very nice thing to say well yeah no it isn't that's but you're not giving us any analysis as to what the repercussions are of this yeah yeah um so with alan shearer it's like i would respect the man but it would just be the most boring chat yeah yeah he seems to be the sort of person that even if you sort of go

tell us about um oh when you scored that amazing goal for england he's still just there wouldn't be any light in his eyes when he told you he'd be likeland he's still just there wouldn't be any light in his eyes when he told you he'd be like well you know the cross came in and uh i was just able to get it in yeah was that really i mean but he scored for your country in a really important game is that no yeah okay yeah i'd rather have something like gaza like gaza is insane oh yeah you want him imagine he would be so much fun on a desert island he would drive you up the bend but it would be a lot of fun yeah definitely I just think I don't see why I just think there must be enough people that aren't like him for you I don't know if they just think it's balanced like if he had too many Ian Wright's in the room

it would get a bit too much but I mean I've met Ian Wright and he's one of the nicest men in the entire world and I think I mean having too many of him in, and he's one of the nicest men in the entire world. Oh, sure, yeah. I mean, having too many of him in a room, I just think it would be amazing. I just think it would be absolutely brilliant. Like, why not have one more enthusiastic person? You'd have to, like, level it out, you know? The closest they've got is Micah Richards. He used to play for Manchester City.

And he's got this really fun relationship with Roy Keane on Sky Sports. They're the main two together. Roy Keane, even though he's got this really fun relationship with Roy Keane on Sky Sports. They're the main two together. Roy Keane, even though he's always... What's interesting about Roy Keane is he's still a very angry man, and that comes through in the punditry, and it's so fun to watch. Whereas Alan Shearer's emotional range, I don't think that there is one. He's the most middling person ever. I should have known this because he had a celebration which he he scored 260 goals and every time he had the same celebration which is he'd run away from the goal

with one arm in the air close very close to a nazi salute but one one arm in the air that's it nothing else it was the most basic thing yeah yeah and it must i mean it must feel incredible like doing anything you're having that many people just thinking that you're brilliant in in a very short burst yeah you know just the the energy coming off the crowd i mean i've been in a football crowd when people have scored and it feels incredible and i haven't scored the goal yeah i don't know how you can not just be in absolute hysterics imagine right when freddie mercury did that amazing thing and that recall that at the concert when he put got the microphone stand up in the air and he was

triumphant and all these people were singing the song he was doing recall if alan shearer was there he would just give everyone a thumbs up and it would be so disappointing you're like dude we're all singing your name and the best you can do is put your thumbs up well on this podcast before we've talked about uh the bass player from queen john deacon and he's very much got the alan sugar approach of like you're in the biggest rock band in the world this concert's going to go down in history and you're just standing at the back with your shorts really short and just sort of looking like a substitute teacher or something like come on please enjoy this like please enjoy what you've got it's yeah this is insane yeah so alan sheer are like great player but the most middling person i think i've ever come across yeah in public life anyway yeah

definitely i just yeah he's not i mean you know there will be hard bits on the desert island but there's also going to be the nice moments where you can sit together around a campfire or watch the sunset and just doing that with alan shiri but god look at this sunset and he went yep oh come on give me some more please yeah come on and then with joe's over enthusiasm yeah bernie is scheming and alan's indifference and ambivalence to everything that's just an iron that's going to drive me up the fucking bend yeah that's it yeah you were like alan more enthusiasm not you joe turn it down i don't know what to do with you i'll think about i'll come back to you i don't know what to do with you. I'll think about it. I'll come back to you. I don't want any more coconuts, Bernie.

Leave me alone. They're bad for you, you know? I know, Joe. You've told me loads of times. I'm not doing any more burpees, whatever they are. Alan, I can do 10 burpees in 50 seconds. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast

advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-ns.com. Okay, well, that's the people picked, and I think you've done a very good job of that. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? Okay. So the food that I've gone for is a food that I think people force themselves to like because they think it's a sign of social mobility and success. Okay. And that is dark chocolate. Dark chocolate. Yeah, okay. Fuck dark chocolate. Who said that was a good idea? Anybody who eats dark chocolate, oh, I love dark chocolate, I prefer it to Cadbury's. You're lying.

Our palates as kids, we did not have dark chocolate. Yeah, it's not fun. It's not fun at all. Dark chocolate are the olives of the chocolate world. We're forcing ourselves to like this because we're like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm an adult now. I eat 70% cocoa. That's shit. If you had to set like dark chocolate, hot chocolate after a cold day, you'd be so fucked off. Definitely.

Yeah. Where's the sugar in this thing? Because it's like if you want a bar of dairy milk and that's what you're after, a chocolate bar. And you have and all that was available is white chocolate. It was sort of it's not as good, but it was sort of scratch the itch. Whereas dark chocolate, you're like, this isn't this is almost savoury. This is like. Yeah, it's cardboard it's cardboard yeah like it's not fun i also think dark chocolate is an insult to 250 years of colonial rule because they put sugar in the cocoa might as well make use of it

now like do you know what i mean why go through all that pain and suffering and loss to not have that chocolate in fact if you eat dark chocolate you're siding with the colonialists that's what you're doing you're you're not siding with us the victims we had sugar put in it just eat it with us please yeah someone was telling me that the tennis player um djokovic he's so strict with himself that when he wins a grand slam he's allowed one square of dark chocolate. And it's like, what? Don't even have that. That's not a celebration. That's like, what is that? Let's just do something else. Find a new celebration, you know?

Yeah. Oh my God, Joe wicks would love him yeah definitely we come back on this podcast quite often to the idea of things that are like almost the good thing but not quite being worse than something that's just shit you know like i don't know something that you really you know like dark chocolate it's not disgusting but it's just disappointing you know it's something like yeah that looks fun but just will never follow through on its promise it it looks and smells like hope and then you put it in your mouth and all hope disintegrates and you think why why would anyone do this yeah yeah i don't understand so yeah for me it's dark

chocolate and you're also left with a bitter aftertaste as well so it's like you've got disappointment and then a lingering resentment as well. Yeah. And I think there's this thing, you know, when you become an adult, I'm 36 now, but there are still certain things which I think are often associated with being an adult or a well-to-do adult that I just think there's no pleasure in this. Why would you have a black coffee and a dark chocolate yeah at the end of a meal you've just spoiled the meal yeah it's like it's like what because the meal tasted so good i've got to sort of like cleanse the palate so much that i can just move on with my life otherwise i'll never leave this moment in time because i had so much fun think of something bad i'm going

to cleanse it to the point of bitterness because that's my existence like it just seems so sad yeah also as a grown-up it's like there's certain things like you say like if you don't like them it's not just like oh you don't like that it's like oh right are you like some kind of child or something like olives i like olives now but it took i wasn't until i was 35 that i started liking them right you know and it's and it's like, well, how do you know? And if you're like, oh, no, do you want an olive? Oh, I don't like them. Like, oh, right. Oh, you're simple.

You know? Yeah. People see it as a source of pride to put shit things in their mouth and be like, oh, I like this. No, you don't. When did you start liking this? You've trained your brain in some weird SAS thing on Channel 4 to say, I like dark chocolate. No one's forced you to liking this you've trained your brain in some weird sas thing on channel four to say i like dark chocolate no one's forced you to make this choice it's weird isn't it i mean even the idea of like certain chocolates being more childlike

is kind of weird because it's all just for fun it's not good for anyone it's like but smarties is a child's chocolate whereas like you know like galaxy caramel is more grown up you know and then you have dark chocolate like because i'm mature now here's something that's less nice than the children's version yeah i know i just i don't understand it because i don't know which point our palates make that switch because i don't i feel like it's not a normal thing to like dark chocolate no yeah i agree yeah and what would you try and wash that down with what would your drink choice be right the worst drink have you heard of something called advoca yes it's the sort of completely opaque yellow stuff isn't it oh my god what is that

i've only ever had it once and it was so bad i've not forgotten it. It's like a yellowy, egg-noggy thing. I don't know what's in it. It is the worst, worst drink on the planet. I think it has got egg in it. And at that point, you're like, I'm going to make a new alcoholic beverage. Great. What are you going to make it out of? Like fruit or, you know, some spirit?

Eggs. Sorry, it sounded like you said eggs. Yeah, did you? You did say eggs. Right, okay. Eggie John's going to make a new drink. Let's not invite him to the party. Look, let's just call it what it is.

Alcohol, right, because I was raised in a Muslim family. I wasn't exposed to alcohol as a kid. When I got older, I started drinking. Weirdly, I'm one of those weird people that actually quite likes the taste of beer. When I first had beer, I was like, actually, I quite like this. You know, bitter. I liked it. But something that's 20% alcohol, you're not drinking it for the taste.

Then someone puts egg in it, and then somehow they make it look like custard so you're like oh my god there's going to be a creamy deliciousness so there's a cognitive dissonance a bit like with dark chocolate where you're thinking oh it's going to taste like custard it might be like a bailey's almost i can get behind this and then in your mouth it's like fucking rat poison and you're like why did i do this and it's not even one of those drinks where like tequila i don't like tequila but i'll drink it because i know it's going to get me smashed i'm gonna have a nice time yeah advocate makes me want to cleanse out my own intestines with my bare hands it's it's so i i think i've tried it in

is it a snowball where it's like mixed with lemonade yes i've tried that and then you can't really taste much it's just it's just a sweet fizzy weird cloudy it's almost like a sort of old uh like a like i don't know doesn't that look like a glass of cum wouldn't that it's not great looking yeah or like an old cream soda that's all melted or something right well i mean no we're not cream so it's called ice cream float ice cream float yeah yeah okay but um yeah i don't know just the idea i remember being fascinated when i was little you know when you're sort of young and you kind of see like the drinks in like the corner shop or whatever you see the drinks sort of behind the

counter and it's like mystery world of like what's that you know but the what have a car always because i never saw anyone buy it it was always the same bottle and it's just like what is that you know but the what have a car always because i never saw anyone buy it it was always the same bottle and it's just like what is that thing no one seems to know what it's there but it's there it's there it's always there ever present yeah i think advocate for me it's just such a horrible drink like i said i've only ever had it once i've never forgotten it and a drink like at some point you'll kind of go okay lads lads, let's just get drunk. Like, fuck it, we've got all this booze. But the amount, it's going to take so much glugging this stuff down to actually get pissed on the island on that.

Yeah, because it's quite like a thick, gloopy thing. And, yeah, it's just this... Basically, I think what's becoming clear as I'm talking to you is I don't like false promises. Yeah, yeah. Right? so Bernie sells me false promise Alan you know 260 goals told me if you might be interesting he's not dark chocolate avocado it's all of that I think that's what I've come to realize about me is I'm already stuck on an island I've got the reality of this island solitary living in front of me I don't want

anything that is going to be a mirage yeah yeah I quite agree I think that's a very wise choice It makes total sense and well chosen as well Well, fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck it only has two working settings

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song What are they and why? So, my least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why so my least favorite film of all time is uh the original 39 steps from alfred hitchcock okay interesting i remember watching this at school i think yeah the reason i chose this is because it's one of those films that film buffs... Basically, I don't like film buffs anyway. I don't like anyone who's a film or a music Nazi. Yeah. Right? I don't like it.

Just... Everyone's got different tastes, right? Obviously, Hitchcock has got this legendary status, and I get it. Maybe there'll be, in 20 years' time, my kids and grandkids will be like, why did you like Will Ferrell? He's a fucking idiot.

And I'm like, because he's hilarious. But yeah, yeah i watched 39 steps some friends of mine they've really got into film and they're like oh you know you've got to watch a hitchcock film and 39 steps i watched because i've seen i've not seen the play but i watched the film i didn't really understand it to be honest i didn't it just felt like such a waste of time and the week before i'd watched what was it uh sophie's baby no what's the famous one rosemary's baby yes rosemary's baby oh my god that is that's also got a honorable mention for one of the worst films i've ever seen because the plot was given away about a quarter of the way through the film

and the rest of it was just filler and i was like what is happening it doesn't make any sense so for me it would be one of those two i think the thing is with like those old films is like quite often i think acting has come a long way i'm just gonna i just think there was a different style of acting whereas i think at one point being an actor was sort of i don't know speaking very clearly in a nice suit and that was enough yes you know what i mean it's good looking good in that suit yeah yeah yeah and obviously quite a lot of acting these days can also you know it's like we have to look good in you know whatever but like it feels like some of it's so clunky and wooden and you know is this is this actually good like i remember watching a james dean film and james like how many people have had james dean posters on their wall but yeah i watched

one and he was shit it was like this is like this is mumbly crap this is rubbish i don't know maybe that was just the part he was playing but i was like this isn't a good film this isn't i mean some films hold up you know like i really like some like it hot and that's an old film you know yeah yeah but you know it's funny it's still like a funny film whereas yeah some of them it's like this is some of the carry-on films are great they're very funny the acting is funny even a mr bean film i'd watch i'm like this is kind of funny, you know. But 39 Steps and Rosemary's Baby, I was like, oh, it's avant-garde. Oh, they talk about society and philosophy and religion.

And you're just there going, she's pregnant with Satan's child. Like, that's the story. And she's told me in the first act. And I think as well, yeah, like if you're, I mean, imagine watching that with with um with the people you've got on the island you know with Alan Shearer and Joe Wicks and it's like and you're because you've decided you're going to give it a go you're like fuck there's nothing you know it's

day 89 let's just watch a film you might as well and then Joe's like who's that one you're like that's a different one Joe's like no but he was just in the cupboard a minute ago that's not him that's why are they always there he looks a bit pale it's a black and white film what do you mean it's black and white film no come on joe and then alan's like not that much better yeah oh yeah that that was scary oh that was interesting or he just keeps going i knew he was going to do that so he wasn't even watching alan he's like yeah i still knew just like really male ownership of it all just like yeah well i knew he was going to say that he didn't say that that was someone else's like yeah well it's stupid anyway yeah it's stupid yeah exactly it's yeah yeah i remember having to watch it in english class and being quite excited because it was a film

but then just very quickly think this isn being quite excited because it was a film. But then just very quickly think this isn't. It was the dark chocolate of in-class entertainment. The film I watched in English was The Truman Show. I loved it. Oh, wow. That was a good film to watch for an English class, I think. It is a good film to watch for an English class.

I think maybe I was a few years ahead of you, so I think I didn't get anything that fun. I mean, I wasn't that many years ahead of you. The 39 steps had just come out. Yeah, I went to school in a time portal. It's confusing. You look great. You look amazing. Yeah, it was in the 40s.

It was a long time ago. Hard to remember. Okay, what would your song choice be? Now, this is quite tricky for me because i've reached that point in my life where i find myself saying things like i don't even understand what these modern singers are saying there's no enunciation there's no pronunciation it's just mumbling all the way through and if i listen to like another genre like grime or rap someone will stub their toe in the middle of the song and go ah and i'm like why that happened so choosing a song was really hard so i'm gonna am i allowed to say

that any spotify playlist from 2014 onwards okay okay that's quite i mean it gives you quite a lot of choice but i mean i think that's okay yeah and what i mean what is it particularly that grinds your gears i think what grinds my gears is like let's take um a louis capaldi song i quite like louis capaldi's voice but when he sings i think about 10 of the words are pronounced in their entirety and like you know he might instead of lord he'll say law instead of saying left it all behind him and you be like, left it all behind. And you're like, what's happened there? So I have to go on to Google, do a translate,

be like, ah, right, okay, that's what you said. I think it's something they do kind of in lieu of personality, isn't it? It's like, or I know like the Kooks were really good at it, weren't they? It's sort of like, you know, like giving the impression that maybe, oh, are they Northern? No, they're not. They're from Brighton. How does this work then? But that kind of like...

The last song I think that everybody knew the words to, even if you heard it once, was Mr Brightside. And there's a lot of words in that song. It's just because it's clear, you kind of instinctively know what the next word's going to be. Apparently that's still in the charts. That's still in the singles charts and it's never left it, Mr Brightside, because it's so popular.

Really? It doesn't surprise me. It's just one of those songs like you're always going to know the words to it. And it's just, I just feel like when I hear songs now, I have to, I might like the melody, I might like the voice, but then I've got to go look up what the lyrics were because I'm not going to be able to sing along to it when I go to Latitude or whatever or Reading yeah I think um yeah I mean this is

something that Joe Wicks is going to get really into and be like oh yeah I like this one do you like this yeah no I don't I don't even know what they're saying oh they're just saying I don't even know what they're saying but it's good isn't it oh Joe yeah I know exactly and it's and i think alan she was going to be there just listening to duolingo and playing that to us yeah i think i like the idea of you actually being trapped with just like a whole jukebox full of songs that like everyone there's just another disc comes on you're like oh fuck but it's just from a different genre and so he's like i hate every genre of music now okay now finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why right now i've got two for this i've got one is which is kind of a serious

answer and one's kind of a jay okay the serious answer is the world's most pointless animal which is a mosquito yeah like surely that's come up before on this part but i think so but yeah i mean they deserve mentioning quite often because they're such dicks just why if if you particularly you know i was always like i said in the muslim family if you are religious there is no way you can explain to me why god would make a mosquito doesn't make any sense yeah because it's not just like they bite you and it's annoying it's like okay biting you and sucking your blood is one thing but then to like spread so much disease as well yeah yeah yeah and oh the sound they make

when they like get close to your ear is just horrendous it's awful and then now now they've started to make some things where they can catch loads of mosquitoes and people tip these bins out with mosquitoes in them that they've killed and it's just the tip of the iceberg i mean there are gazillions of these fuckers and it's just killing people left right and center and they're not nice to look at they don't make a nice sound and they fucking kill you why do they exist yeah yeah i mean like the the least damage they can do is give you a bite that itches all day long when you're on holiday in a nice place. And that's the thing.

Sometimes, a bit like terrorism, the worst thing you can do is inconvenience you. So, like, because of terrorism, we've got, like, 100ml bottles, got a pack. It's just so much, such a fast. It's the same with a mosquito. That's the best thing they can do is inconvenience you for a day. How annoying is that?

The moment I was on Desert Island, it wasn't wasn't killing me just kept itching all day long and then joe wants me to do a burpee i'm like i can't reach i've got crap trying to scratch my bum because yeah and at least with like a fly being annoying in your room you can generally find it to kill it but like if you're going to sleep and a mosquito you can just hear it buzzing next to your ear like you can't find it with the lights on like it doesn't exist until it's dark again you're like where the fuck is this and it's like why like i never get bitten on my ear so why are you flying so close to my ear it's like i think they're just fucking with us because it's like you get bitten on your arm or your ankle or something so why are you always so busy just freaking me out just as i'm drifting off to sleep like you don't even know

if it's the same mosquito because the mosquito's in your ear but basically like i'm gonna fuck you up tonight what do you want to fuck you up and five seconds later your knee starts itching and you're like what how did that happen yeah yeah are you in cahoots just like a team ah they're complete bastards yeah I agree I mean one thing that I have in my favour when dealing with mosquitoes is that I don't know what it is about my wife but she attracts them like

I basically don't need mosquito repellent when I'm with her which I feel awful about but it is quite I mean it is it does benefit me so it's unpleasant I would rather she didn't get put through that but it is i i end up it does benefit me you know so it's unpleasant i i would rather she didn't get put through that but it is quite handy i have to say it's nice to have that i i am the one

the mosquitoes go for because i think it's a bigger surface area i think maybe i've just been putting out so many abrasive thoughts into the world. I'm just too bitter. And then Mosquito's like, ah, fuck that. Oh, a bitter podcast host. He must have had dark chocolate. Fucking hell. It tastes like shit. Even mosquitoes don't like dark chocolate.

That's how shit it is. Yeah. And you said there was a second animal choice as well. Yeah, second animal choice is squirrels. Okay. Ah, fuck. Squirrels are the rats of woodland. Okay?

They're rats who can afford a haircut. And that's it. That's the only difference. And they move in really darty ways. And again, it's that thing of promising a lot and then just being little shitbags because they look cute. They look nice.

You're like, oh, it's fluffy. It's harmless. But that squirrel's going to fuck you up if it could. It would bite you. It would steal your food. And I just don't like them. Also, they're really thick as well. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before on the podcast.

In our local park, I was walking there with my son once. And I just heard this splat and i looked around this squirrel just fallen out of a tree and i was like that's like a fish drowning it's like that's your that's your thing is trees right you're meant to be good at and it was high it was like about 20 feet and i you could see it just kind of go oh fuck me and it started licking its paws and i think it needed a bit of recovery time but my son ran after it and it had to like scarper i came home and i told my wife i was like i just seen a squirrel fall out of a tree she was like was it that big tree at the start where you go into the park and i was like yeah she goes i saw that as well so it's happening a lot oh my god unless

it's just one really crap squirrel in the same tree. But there's a lot of squirrels in that park. I think it's probably a different one. That's so funny. I think squirrels just... They're given this status of just being cute little... I've seen squirrels steal food from children. Like little babies. Yeah. And I think they're weird.

They only jump. They can't walk, which just seems like, it's like they're doing it to be cute. It's like, just walk. You've got four legs. Why can't you walk properly? It's like, you could only jump. Yeah, exactly. I think they are stupid, but they also,

they're basically like social media influencers. Aren't they? Because they look good, but they don't actually use any of the skills really that they have available to them like the walking is one they fall out of fucking trees the one place they're meant to be able to know how to exist yeah yeah it's not as dangerous as a mosquito but it's a bit of a pointless animal is it just a prick yeah yeah fair enough okay well the island is overrun with mosquitoes and squirrels then. Oh, God. A crappy icing on a shitty cake there for you.

So, well, look, I think you've done a great job picking a load of terrible people and things for your island. So well done there. And now where can people sort of see more of you? Are you up to anything now that restrictions are easing? Where's a good place to keep up to date with everything? Well, find me on my socials. On all social media, I'm called Michael Packentire. But depending on what time this,

when this airs on the 20th and 21st of May, I'm going to be at the Soho Theatre. They're just doing kind of a work in progress, return to the stage kind of show. I'll be on Mock the Week on the 13th of May. So you can probably catch that on iPlayer and things like that. And yeah, just follow me on socials, and hopefully there'll be more and more stuff coming out in the next year.

Nice one. Well, thank you very much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. It's been an absolute pleasure, mate. Thanks for having me, man. Bye.