Desert Island Dicks - ESTHER MANITO

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Comedian Esther Manito joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone

on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and today we have an episode featuring comedian Esther Minito. She's really funny and I had a lovely time talking to her so I hope you enjoy this podcast. Normally in this intro bit I kind of wang on about things like subscribing and

leaving us a review and sending in your submissions for Compact Dicks and stuff like that but you know what I've just had a really long tough drive back uh from the midlands to london and i'm knackered and it's been a bit of a tough weekend if i'm honest so do you know what i'm gonna spare you all the usual shit and just let you enjoy yourself with esther monito because also i was in a much better mood when i was recording this with her than i am now so i think it's better you just cut to the good bit, really. And, you know, just save yourself this rambly bit. So here's the podcast. Enjoy.

And thank you for downloading it. And I hope you can find your way to some of our other podcasts in our back catalogue because there's bloody loads of them. And that's it. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Esther Minito. Hi I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and host of the Ghastly Women podcast, Esther

Minito. How you doing? Hello, you alright? Good, good. How are you feeling today? Well, after the plane crash. Yeah. A bit traumatised by it it but generally all right yeah a little bit cold yeah yeah yeah it's freezing today so we're gonna imagine you know obviously a warmer place a nice tropical island but you know

the downside is it's full of dicks um did you find it easy to sort of get your list together for today? I realised I don't really know anyone. Like, celebrities. I don't... I was thinking, who's somebody that annoys me? And I couldn't think of that many people, but then once I dug a little deeper, I realised that, yeah, I've got some people that I don't want to share a

desert island with at all okay yeah and do you find it easy in general to sort of have a little rant about people or are you sort of fairly reserved i can rant about every day no no i'm not reserved at all i can rant about everyday things easily but because i don't really engage in a lot of popular culture i'm not um i'm not somebody who knows who a lot of like when that whole andrew tate thing hit the news i didn't even know who was like i just i'm just things just bypass me quite easily so i'm not yeah this is a relief because i feel more and more like this and like and people mention things yeah i think it's a combination of age and just like i'm just more and more like

protective of my own sort of sanity it's like i think it's because i don't scroll on social media that's a big thing i don't scroll on social media at all and i don't really consume a lot of um like tv and stuff i don't watch a lot of shows i only really watch the real housewives yeah yeah which it's kind of like if i'm gonna if i'm gonna indulge in crap that's gonna be the crap that i indulge in and i thoroughly enjoy that so i know everything to do with that but i don't know who's running the country no i do but i i don't know like i don't know who any when people talk about like influencers or people in the charts or um kind of famous actors in in kind of hit series i just seem to not know who anyone is yeah i feel

exactly the same way i'm glad someone else feels like this because i was like increasingly just feel like further and further adrift from everyone so uh well i was talking about that in my show because i've just written a new show and i was like age does just creep up on you because i was listening to somebody talk about justin bieber as if that was a thing of the past and i was like but isn't that now yeah yeah like he's now isn't he well who's now then i don't know yeah what's going on i was working with some people and they were talking about sort of brit pop and stuff and i realized that was before they were born but they're a grown-up in the office like doing work alongside me and i'm like that's terrifying but you know and i'd go to the pub with them and i wouldn't think oh you're loads younger than me you know

it doesn't seem significantly younger but it's like yeah you're half my age and like that was something that just happened before you were born so um yeah yeah i just also i think it's just a way of sort of there's so there's so much stuff out there and there's so much crap and bad news i'm like i'm only going to interact in my little bit of free time with stuff that i want to interact with so it's's like, you know. I do think as well, though, that things like social media has changed the way we consume a lot of stuff. So I feel like a lot of people are well known for being online.

And if you don't engage hugely in that world and consume a lot of online content, then you're kind of out of the loop a little bit. Yeah, yeah, maybe. Well, look, between us, we don't know who anyone is, but let's see who you've picked anyway. online content then you're kind of out of the loop a little bit yeah yeah maybe yeah well look between us we don't know who anyone is but let's see who you've picked anyway who's going to be the first person joining you on the island Gwyneth Paltrow okay great right uh what are we going to say about Gwyneth Paltrow she's gonna do my head in on the island she's gonna um i don't need somebody who's going to uh expect that we do

yoga for seven hours a day don't want that not interested in that um somebody who um thinks that we should all be steaming our badges not interested in that got no interest in that somebody who genuinely thinks that their existence is so significant that we should all kind of indulge in it is is going to piss me off quite quickly i've got to say she'll probably have loads of her own because she had her vag candles didn't she they'll be she'll have loads of those in her handbag so i've not only will she be steaming a vag talking about a vag will then have to sit around uh with their vag candles burning everywhere um she won't want to eat that will annoy me and i can't imagine like somebody who has lived in so much privilege i can imagine will be a bit of a nightmare when there's an actual genuine crisis yeah definitely like we've just crash landed on this island so yeah yeah for all those reasons she'll be one of the

worst people yeah to be on a desert island with definitely yeah i think it's that combination like you say it's like that sort of high maintenance hollywood person but with that sort of like all the faux kind of new age healing wellness stuff which i just it's such an annoying combination i wouldn't mind i don't yet maybe i don't think i would mind the kind of like all the healing shit but i just think she comes across like a bit of a fucking nightmare and i think she genuinely thinks that she's quite important and she's a bit of a kind of like a chosen person. And I'm like, you're going to annoy me. You're going to annoy me a lot.

And yeah, I can imagine that without all the kind of money and substance around us, she might fall apart quite quickly. But I don't want to be. Yeah, she's definitely my desert island dick yeah because i i just sort of think she's a snake oil salesman's dream client you know you could literally just i mean like some people are so desperate and have for like the next thing that's gonna make them immortal and you know live forever and look younger than ever and you know they've got the money to spend it i just think you could say any old mad shit to her like because because wasn't

there for a while like her website goop got bought by like a big publishing house but then i think they had to sort of they had to step away from it because once it wasn't just an online presence and it was under the wing of this big publishing house. They had to fact check things and they were like, well, we can't say any of this mad shit you want to say. So this isn't going to work. The fact that she's called it goop as well has annoyed me.

That annoys me. Like just you call it an actual word. Is goop a word? I don't think it is. Goop. I can't bear her. Can't bear her. Got no time for her.

Really fucking indulgent i think she's sorry but i'm going down a rabbit hole now but i think once she said things like you know every woman should work out every day there is no excuse it's like oh fuck off yeah yeah fuck right off there's like you know some single mom working three jobs and got kids and god knows what and you're like you no woman should not work out every single day um and also she said that um she has a bum her bum is a bum of a woman in her 20s right okay i don't know the age of my ass don't know about you but no certainly don't feel the need to drop that in conversation no i've got the ass of a 60 year old man called gary actually is that of interest yeah i think probably what's happened is she's paid quite a lot of money to

some kind of ass astrologer who sort of like read her ass and gone you know what this is the bum of a 20 year old and then once you've spent all that money you need to tell everybody yeah your bum has been here before it's the bum is the bum of the past yeah yeah it's it's had a life here before yeah i just think there'll be that combination of being quite dull but also very opinionated yeah very annoying yeah yeah very judgy and if you're going to go look there's fresh coconuts here like really though for coconut milk you really want to run it through this expensive process of like filtering it through uv light shut up just just drink the fucking coconut water shut up yeah she's she's gonna do my head in yeah fair enough well i think she's a very good uh base on which to start from so uh who else is going to join her?

Also in the annoying camp, Kanye West. Quite similar, actually, in the vein that he's going to be somebody that will... I've got the feeling if you were stuck with Kanye West, he would just talk at you as if... I can imagine he's somebody who's like, I've literally, the words of god are coming through me and every word i utter is a privilege for you to hear so between her with a mince candles and her yoga and him just talking at me about his opinions and how he is this kind of deliverer of god and he has the ego of god

that that would send me pretty loopy yeah definitely and trying to say things to be really shocking just to get a reaction out of you and wanting an argument yeah and then she'd be like why do you rise to it why do you rise to it just let it just let it flow through you you're going to age yourself i never rise to anything which is why i've got the bum of a 20 year old i will i will go mad i'm already getting angry just thinking about it it's a really antagonistic combination so far i mean yeah he's just gonna keep saying madder and madder shit and like yeah i think at some point you're gonna start thinking oh should i can i try and help you you obviously need some some kind of help but i'm not the one to do it i'll be like first of all carne can i just take that snood down over your face because

we're in we're on a desert island and you don't need to sit with a freaking bin liner over your face whatever he is um can you stop praising the nazis that's gotta be a no-no and uh i might just have to send him off to get firewood he's just gonna be on a permanent firewood collection yeah but then he's gonna you're gonna find him after two days be like where the fuck is kanye with all that wood and he's just sort of like made a weird shoe out of it or something or like you know it's like yo i call this the yeezy 3000 like oh man like i don't need shoes i know it'll be a bit like a lord of the lord of the flies situation he'll go no i'm the chosen leader so you'll have to do what i say yeah yeah it's not gonna be that long before he

starts getting quite sort of megalomania mean megalomaniacal. Is that a word? Yeah, maniacal. Maniacal. Yeah. What if him and Gwyneth get together? They would have like 12-hour tantric sex sessions and I'd just have to lie next...

Because in my mind, the desert island is like one of those cartoon little islands where there's nowhere to go. So I would just have to lie there facing the other way just waiting for it to end again can you light one of your minge candles because your your real minge is quite it's quite stenchy actually gwen if i think the combination of those two is really interesting because i can imagine at first like you said she'll kind of be going hey just don't don't rise to it but then at some point they're gonna have a huge disagreement and it's going to be over something really yeah there's

going to be a lot of ego yeah something really minor but it'll just go on for days she'll gain gain a pound and freak out and he will um say that her weight gain has come because she's not a trump supporter or something i mean she may well be i don't know what her political opinions are i think she also says something mad like you don't need to put sun cream on your whole face you only need to put it on your nose because that's the only bit the sun hits or something mad so right i'm always quite curious to see how she would weird things you have an opinion on i won't lie i've never never thought about that no to be honest with you just put the sun cream on yeah i've never thought this is saying i need to get out there actually put a little tweet out don't know if everyone knows this but your nose actually sticks out of your face don't know if you're aware of that uh you

may not be cognizant of that but i am because i am of higher being than you you probably don't realize that yeah me and gwyneth are gonna fall out yeah me and kanye are gonna fall out yeah i think with kanye the only thing you can do is sort of treat him like like a mad old uh relative and just go okay kanye yeah yeah uh sure right the jews right okay um yeah you're just gonna have to give him loads of projects yeah like you see that there just keep keep digging we just need that tunnel to be really long yeah just gotta keep digging over there can you just rethink those palm trees and he'll just be busy for like three days come back with a load of primitive sketches on some like bark but like yeah yeah yeah cool um yeah so i don't need the presentation if you could just feed back your thoughts to gwyneth for a

while yeah and i'm gonna be over here actually like catching a fish or something yeah and if good if you could just write down everything he says that's really important it's really important that everything gets written down because you've got such beautiful writing yeah so you're amazing like that. Yeah. Or if you two could just go over there and come up with a new idea of candle, that would be really helpful for the group. Yeah. Until Kenny sets fire to the entire island.

It's like, this is the candle. We are the candle. Oh, God, he would as well. Dreading the trip. You're off to a great start, I think. Right, who's going to be the final person then the final person is going to be someone that you don't know i don't reckon i reckon because uh it is a real housewife uh but it was somebody who was in the real housewives of new york

and she was in some of the earlier series uh but she's also a former model and she's called kelly bent simone okay and she is hands down the most annoying person. She's one person that I've literally had to pause the TV and just walk away because I so badly want to smash the screen. I'll tell you why she's one of those people that she'll get into an argument with somebody, which is the whole purpose of the show. But when the person is arguing back, she just goes, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Oh. And the other person will go no because you just said

that and that's annoying they'll just go yeah don't don't or if somebody says something and she can't she can't respond to it because she is insane and annoying she just goes oh please oh please oh please and just keep saying that over and over again she is the most annoying person she also um so she doesn't like to run along the pavements in new york she likes to run in the road right okay that annoys me i bet that annoys a lot of people in new york i can imagine it annoys a lot of people absolutely bar me annoying i mean not that dissent oh actually she said in the show that she was friends with gueneth paltrow but then gueneth paltrow said that she's never met her before so i'd quite like that to kick off that would be nice yeah two very annoying narcissistic women both quite conceited yeah um

but one is claiming to be friends with the other one oh so that would give me and kanye a bit of entertainment yeah but i mean oh what a frustrating i mean people who you can't have a proper argument with when you're really angry it's just so annoying because she would just literally sit down and go you said this and that makes you a piece of shit and the other person will turn around and go well actually and she'll go oh man oh dear how infuriating so she'll get a punch in the face yeah i mean definitely i can really you know there's a real type obviously that is like the the one that grinds your gears you can tell there's like a real specific type of person that you can't stand it's ego yeah it's

people with ego drives me absolutely mad people that are like i just i'm just really entitled to be here and my opinion's really important yeah and you just don't get it because you're just not worthy i think it's especially when they're a bit thick as well it's really like when someone's clearly wrong but also very arrogant about their wrong opinion is like really pushes my buttons because i was going to say pierce morgan but then i reckon that pierce morgan as much of a stroppy and annoying person as he is i reckon stuck on a desert islet you could probably have a bit of a discussion with him yeah i reckon because he's used to working where he's had to listen even though he's been kind of you know outlandish and shouted over people and stuff

i reckon you could at least have got whereas and i think with gwyneth and with kanye and with kelly benson you just there's no point they would just and they i can imagine they wouldn't even listen to each other they'd just talk over they were all just like way more important than yeah yeah so that would be my idea of hell oh man it sounds kind of quite close to my idea of hell as well i don't even know who one of the people is but like already i think she'll grow up afterwards yeah she's mental and she'll just say things she just comes out with statements like she just thinks it's really empowering so she was arguing with this woman and halfway through the argument because she kept just going stop it stop it stop it so this woman couldn't even get her arguing across and all of a sudden

she just went satchels of gold satchels of gold and everyone was like well what does that mean but in her mind she's like i've just said something really amazing and it's too profound for you guys to even understand so man there you go now she's like a faux celebrity as well and like when she is wow people like that definitely need more hair time it's weird isn't it oh well i keep so i think this is part of me sort of generally not knowing who anyone is i kind of stand back and be like god the world's weird isn't it you know like this is this is where we are then okay all right i know i know but i mean the whole point of those people is that they do annoy us that's why it creates so much more

yeah clickbait and all the rest of it i just i've just got such a uh like i guess a weak stomach for it these days i've just i just i can't bear it anymore so i'm like yeah but i mean even even hearing your description of this person like will annoy me at a later date when i think of it. Honestly, go and find a video of her. It's the most infuriating, infuriating character I've seen ever. It's awful. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Oh, man. How she's not been punched in the face, I really don't know.

No. Maybe that's what they were hoping for. Maybe that's, maybe like someone who knew her was one of the executives on the show and just thought, if I put her into all these situations, maybe someone will crack. Yeah. Someone will butter yeah yeah okay well look you've done a superb job assembling a crack team of dicks to keep you company you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips

and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. But mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad barbecue meat okay that's my idea of how i'm not a big meat fan at all i'm not vegetarian but i if i eat meat it's got to be accompanied by a lot of stuff it's got to be put with lots of things i can couldn't just eat loads of meat. And barbecue is my idea of hell.

Like just loads of barbecue chicken and burgers and sausages. So if it was just loads of meat, barbecue meat. Okay. And do you mean like in the start of like just sort of a general shit barbecue? Because, you know, in America, and even here now, there's like a big sort of barbecue scene and you can have old barbecue restaurants of like slow cooked ribs and blah blah blah so just any of it just that whole genre no i just i'm just not a big meat fan just loads of hunks of meat

it just doesn't appeal to me at all i find it gross i hate it so at a barbecue i'll eat all the kind of side things so i'm much more into like salads and corn on the cob and jacket potatoes but i might have like a burger but i'm not into like and it'd have to be a really thin burger that's really well cooked but you know like these big people like oh this juicy burger and it's oh this doesn't appeal to me so that would be my idea of how especially chicken chicken's like my worst meat okay i feel like there's a real sort of fetishization of that style of cooking you know it's like really popular with men because it's meat and fire and it's like it's it feels so sort of route one that that's like the one that's popular with guys because

it's meat and fire it's's like, guys, come on. Can we just get, can we evolve a bit? Season it. Yeah. Like you would never have, like if you went to, for example, like a Mediterranean restaurant where they would have a lot of kebab, like it would never just be the meat. No. It's like, it's all about the rice and the sauce and the salads that go with it and how the meat's been marinated and all the rest of it whereas in just like a big like steak on a barbecue yeah yeah so i love that style of

eating where it's sort of like yeah lots of grilled things and salads and dips and rice and sort of you know barbecue fish i quite like but i'm not yeah i'm not so if it was like loads of if we all we found in the on the desert and the car crash plane crash even car crash drove there through the sea if we uh just opened a box and it was just loads and loads of barbecue steak and chicken i'd be like oh god gonna have to i'm gonna have to find food elsewhere and uh obviously gwyneth isn't going to be touching any of that um shoot no this is where me and Gwyneth might bond actually yeah sadly but she um but then we'd have to go and fight over the old coconut yeah that's true that's true yeah I think it's a you know I do quite like that food but I kind of

it's one of those things it's like it feels like as a man it's just something for men to talk about more like you know like I like sort of hipster beers but i don't have a long conversation about them but a lot of men do do you know what i mean right and it's like same with barbecue it's like oh this is delicious how do you cook it it's like okay i've asked you so tell me a little bit about it but like i don't i don't want to see your instagram posts about your your new smoker that you've got and you know it just gets a bit tiring after a while and it's like i don't know what does the fact that there'll be a man who never does any cooking but then it's like barbecue i'm gonna step up now and it's like just let someone who normally cooks do the fucking

barbecue know what they're doing yeah but you know a lot of people enjoy it it's just not for me yeah don't like it at all okay and what would your drink choice be green tea okay right hate it hate it makes me feel sick it's bitter i know it's supposed to be really good for you but i just can't stand it i've tried to drink it i've tried to do it i've tried to do the green tea thing to you know to try to be more healthy it it makes my stomach turn it really makes me feel sick i hate green tea so if it was green tea and steaks i'd be like oh fuck me um yeah it's sort of it's one of those things like i find like teas like that you kind of they're sort of underwhelming at first but they're sort of like taste of nothing initially but then kind of have a real

long aftertaste well do you know like other herbal teas like your chamomiles and all that nice i can you know i i don't mind that but there's something with green tea where it really does just make me feel quite sick so every time i even think of it i now feel quite sick and i think it's because i went through a phase of trying to drink it because i knew it was so good for me and i just felt nauseous all the time it really didn't agree with me so it's it's because I went through a phase of trying to drink it because I knew it was so good for me. And I just felt nauseous all the time. It really didn't agree with me. So it's still kind of got that, even if I think about it, I'm like, oh, God, green tea.

It really makes me feel sick. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah, I can't really think of anything that good about it. I mean, from a sort of enjoyment. Like, there's so many other things that i'd rather have instead of it like in my head it's quite neutral to but to the point of just being so sort of inoffensive like water yeah but water's nicer isn't it you know i like water i can be quite

like enthusiastic about that but green tea is so i don't know what this it's just it's not like soothing or comforting or kind of no it's like yeah it is like drinking just like the dregs out the drain it's just yeah yeah it doesn't look appealing doesn't smell appealing yeah is it the same as matcha is matcha the same thing i don't know what matcha is i think it's something to do with green tea but like it's like a very green powder but i don't know entirely i don't know if it's just the same as green tea but i don't know um very strong antioxidant which is probably why it makes you feel sick uh maybe but i think antioxidant is one of those things that we know we need but no one really knows what they are or why do you know what i mean it's like there's a lot of things oh it's like really good and so really high in antioxidants you know what i mean it's like there's a lot of things oh it's

really good and so really high in antioxidants you're like great and what do they do again don't know you know but just just antioxidize you yeah yeah okay well that's i think quite a shit meal i mean even though i don't personally find either of those things too offensive i think they go together really badly and that yeah on its is enough for me. No one wants barbecue steak and green tea. Yeah all right well fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the Plains entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite film is Lord of the Rings.

Really can't get into the... I mean, the fantasy genre is not something I enjoy anyway. I hate it. I hate things that don't bear any resemblance to reality. I cannot engage in it. I hate the fact that everything has got really annoying names everything's called like ward or and fumbly muff and fingerly fun and i can't bear the fact that everyone shouts all the time no one seems to have a laugh in them whenever you're watching like you

know what a depressing world to live in everyone's got to have this kind of like heavy-weighted delivery that they you know have been put on this weird planet to deliver it's boring i just it's my idea of absolute hell can't bear it yeah i'd never got the i remember going to the cinema with people who were so excited about it when it came out and i just remember coming out and going god well i guess we were wrong about that right and everyone's went oh my god that was amazing fucking hell and then like for the next few years it would always come out and like do you think that people do think it's amazing or they just think they should think it's amazing i don't know i mean anyone who can sit through that long because some people i remember at uni people being hung over and be like oh i'm just gonna curl up my duvet and watch like we're gonna do the whole box set and it's like right that's a

real shame because i wanted to come over and be hung over with you but there's no fucking way i'm doing that like no and i just think there's pretending and then there's putting yourself through that and like you've got to be so committed but i don't know maybe yeah no i think my husband really like he tried to make me watch one of them. I couldn't last. It took me about 20 minutes before I was like, I can't, I can't handle this. I think my wife quite likes them, but I've never seen her watch one. So I don't know, like, she might have liked them at the time, but doesn't, never feels to sort of engage with it so much. It's just loads of people just titting about and they're all just like, oh, you need to find the flungly fill of fingerly flung and it's like what what's she whispering on about fucking gag i just feel like i don't care about anyone in any of the

films you know just think i don't know what's going on i don't care about any of you i don't care if you die or not it doesn't matter like just like fall i don't care fall off the fucking cliff it doesn't matter i don't this is all bollocks and i'm not an anti like fantasy stuff like no you go and enjoy it it's just not for me yeah i think there's like a big you know sort of it's a wide uh genre isn't it and like so i'm not instantly opposed to anything in that genre but yeah i just all those lord of the rings and also then when they had like the hobbit and everyone who was into it said it was like the whole three films are based on one small chapter in one book apparently and it's like no just stop fucking milking it even the fans of this are saying this

is too much so just have some respect like also they never seem to like have any kind of like real chat like no one ever seems to sit down and go oh what a mare of a day or i'm really hungry or oh that was funny it's always just like every interaction is i carry a great passion for the thing that i must do and it's just like oh god it's like the matrix i just like no i just nobody has a normal interaction you know i just can't be doing with it yeah i can't be doing with it i'd watch me reality tv and to be fair most people would hate that so i'm not in a position to judge it's just not for me so if it was lord of the rings and i had to have my steak and my green tea i'd be really unhappy okay well we'll make sure you've got the full box set with you um and i can imagine how many are

there about 40 i think there's like three lord of the rings aren't there and then there's like the hobbit ones or i don't know oh god i think i went to see the first one in the cinema and didn't like it and then my friend i'd went with when the second one came out he's like no no but this one is supposed to be like really no but this one their feet are even bigger oh god and their ears are even pointier and the hair is even more tatty and long it's like oh good right yeah yeah so um and i can imagine kanye sort of sitting there interpreting stuff me like no no see see like these guys represent like yeah this group of people messages hidden message yeah this whole things and him just wigging out

going mad about it all yeah and if anyone's talking kelly bzman's just going in a really patronizing way and uh what would your song choice be Love Shack 352 yeah I'd forgot that song existed until you just I was thinking what's the song because when it's it's hard to think of a song that you don't like you you often think of the songs you do like and that's you don't often think you can think of like films that you haven't enjoyed but I was like what's the song where it comes on you're like oh and it is love shack because it's just shouty baby love shack and it's like it's not even singing it's just kind of shouty um it is a song that if it came on in a club or whatever or even at a wedding i would go and get a drink i don't enjoy it and i can imagine being on a desert island with lots of people that have

annoyed me i've got to eat food that i don't like and then this song comes on baby loves that i'll be like oh that's i'm seething yeah there's something really annoying about that like it's like there's sort of very much in character the whole time and like like if you were sort of dealing with i don't know if you're like managing a festival when they were one of the acts they'd be the ones who'd kind of come on and be like loud and wacky and you just can you tell me what you want on your rider and where your equipment is and just like hey i got me a car like shut up it's that sort of or that song where it was those two girls u-g-l-y-u-n-g-o-n-d-a-f-n-y-n-c-e-l-e-s-t yes yeah daphne and celeste yeah anything where it's just

people shouting but not shouting in a kind of like heavy metal way not like a Rammstein way but just people like eh eh eh eh not singing I always thought that about what is that song about what they called

that's not my name that's not my name that's not my name what is that song? Oh, what are they fucking called? They've got... The Ting Tings. Yes.

The Ting Tings, yeah. With Daphne and Celeste, there is a very satisfying clip of them because they got booked to play Reading and Leeds Festival one year and I think it was like just a silly, ironic thing that the organisers thought would be a laugh and they come out and just get bottled

off stage within about 30 seconds like it is mad weren't they related wasn't one of them related to someone that was famous oh god i don't know but oh i may be wrong i mean if you want we could give you some we can give you some kind of now that's what i call slightly annoying shouty songs and put three of them on so i have daphne and celeste the ting tings and baby love sack just real squealy i did think right at first i thought my song that i would choose would be don't break my heart my achy breaking up but i realized the only reason i was choosing that song is because me and my husband used to live in india and we went to a hotel for New Year's Eve and they'd hired this guy to play music and he couldn't sing. So he just shouted the lyrics of songs. So we were sat there and we were really crying with laughter because he was right next to us and we were trying to have this meal.

And he was just stood next to us going, don't break my heart. Hey, my achy, breaky your heart hey just went on and on um but actually if you listen to don't break my heart it's actually quite a good song so i was like yeah no it's not the song it's just the memory of that man shouting it and it comes down to shouty songs really yeah well maybe we can put him on the album he can on the on the b side he could like do the live versions and he he couldn't even play the keyboard he would just press the demo key where he could do the live versions. And he couldn't even play the keyboard. He would just press the demo key, where he'd recorded a demo version of Don't Break My Heart

and then shouted along next to it. I mean, it's a job. And he managed to blag that. Fair enough. I feel kind of warm towards him. He sounds quite charming. Yeah, I know. It was very funny, but definitely talentless. Zero talent was shown. Yeah, I know. It was, it was, yeah, it was very funny, but definitely talentless.

Zero talent was shown. Yeah. Okay. All right then. Well, you've got, we've got a lovely compilation of annoying shouty tracks for you there. Yeah. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

I'm going to go with walrus. Okay. Interesting. all the animals which animal is it and why i'm gonna go with walrus okay interesting because i was thinking i would be like spiders or but at least with like spiders you can like flick them off you imagine you've got to share an island with an animal that you can't communicate with and is really massive yeah and really heavy and you can't fight it i'm gonna go with walrus and if that walrus turns on you you're a goner because they can fucking go mental yeah so i think i mean i'd quite like it if the walrus turned on gwyneth paltrow or kelly or kanye i'd like the walrus to kind of befriend me but there's no guarantee and if i have to get that walrus back into the sea it's gonna be loads of work yeah loads of work yeah and we're

gonna we're saying that the island's overrun with them as well so imagine just loads of fucking walruses loads of walruses and actually when you're trying to have a sleep and they're all popping away yeah they're weird aren't they like i'm quite fond of them i think they're quite nice faces with their big whiskers and like they're like you know they're so cartoony but they're yeah but they've got those huge huge tusks they're a real sort of parts bin mashup of an animal aren't they it's sort of like yeah between a fish yeah it's like fish elephant with like fish elephant just throw all the bits it's like fish, elephant with like... Fish, elephant, hippo. Yeah, it's just throw all the bits. It's like God had leftover clay and just sort of mashed them up and just sort of went,

look at this guy. Hey. Oh God, yeah. They're huge and they've got loads of like loads of overhanging skin that's really heavy. Even if it died, you couldn't really do much with it because you wouldn't be able to cut into it. Like the, you know, skin wouldn't be useful because it's just so thick and weird i can just imagine that it just being like really hard i don't think anyone can manage a walrus i don't think people contain walruses either i can't i mean maybe i might be able to create a blanket out of it but

i wouldn't have to know how kanye would probably try and make some shoes out of the walrus but yeah i just think they're going to be the least helpful and most terrifying animal to be surrounded by they're hard to get a sense of scale but there's a i remember watching a planet earth but there's a polar bear trying to attack one and the polar bear looks small and so you think these are the size of a vulva or something they're just flapping around no and you can't even ride them they're not like horses because i mean it'd be quicker to walk yeah that could come at you at any time when they fight each other they really do tear each other shreds it's horrific yeah you can't get to the sea to fish because there's just hundreds of walruses just on the shore yeah it's sort of like a giant

land slug with teeth the tusks yeah well i think it's a really good final choice uh and uh yeah i don't think it's ever been chosen before so a good a good finish there um and esther thank you for coming on today what else are you up to at the minute that people should know about? Well, I'll be going on tour from September, maybe starting in August in London, but I'm not sure on dates yet. So please follow me on Instagram at Esther Bonito, on Twitter at Esther Bonito and TikTok at Esther Bonito. But my tour dates will be on my Instagram and Twitter and my website. And also have a listen to my podcast with the very funny lily phillips where we talk about women who have done

horrible things so female murderers stalkers psychos you name it we uh we have a look at how ghastly women can be lovely okay well thank you so much again for coming on uh desert island exodus thanks it's been a pleasure for having me there you go then desert island x withicks with Esther Minito. As I said, I'm going to keep this short and sweet for this week because I'm feeling a bit grumpy. But look, we will be back with loads more episodes, best ofs, compact dicks, and just the usual Desert Island Dicks very soon. So thank you for listening.

I hope you're well wherever you are. And I'm just going to leave it by saying that Desert Island Dicks was a Sink Clap production. And it was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon. It was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. We get editing support from Chris Attaway and loads of just general support from John Deacon. So thank you to all of you people for listening and those other people I mentioned for, you know, helping Desert Island Dicks be a thing. That's it.

Let's speak again soon. Thank you very much. Bye bye.