Desert Island Dicks - FATIHA EL-GHORRI

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

This week we're joined by the excellent Fatiha El-Ghorri! Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today's episode features the very wonderful Fatia El Ghori. She's a comedian. She's well worth checking out. She's really, really funny. As always, if you would like to spread the word about this podcast, it would be very much appreciated. It means a lot to us, and we're very glad you even listened.

But if you did want to leave us a rating and a review and subscribe to this podcast, that would be brilliant. You can do that wherever you get your podcasts. And, of course, if you subscribe, you'll never miss an episode. You know, now we do them as series, so sometimes we might have a little break for a few weeks. And then, you know, you know, when you subscribe, it'll pop straight back into your phone. And that's that.

I don't know. I don't have to explain how subscriptions work. I mean, it's 2022. You know, you know the deal by now. But if this is your first podcast or your first smartphone then um that's how they work right enough of me talking because i'm clearly having trouble with it i've been up since five so that's why i can barely talk let's have a podcast it's fatia el gori on desert island dicks Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash

with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian and writer Fatia El Ghori. How are you doing? Hey I'm okay how are you? Good thank you yeah thanks for joining us. Thank you for having me it feels like we are on a real desert island it's nice and warm and sunny isn't it? Yeah do you know what usually I'm recording these and it's kind of moody and gray outside and I like this is a perfect perfect weather for you know moaning about things and people that we hate but today I'm feeling really optimistic yeah and positive do you find you're someone who finds it easy to have a little rant or a moan is that in your character naturally a hundred percent because I'm i'm obviously british and moroccan

they're like the biggest moaners in the world like just moan about everything so yeah no definitely especially like when you're queuing in it for stuff and and then and then yeah you just start i'll just i'm not one of those old people that talk to everyone people must think i'm mad honestly like but yeah no massive massive rant on mona fair enough so for you was it was it difficult to sort of get a short list down did you you know were you was there like no shortage of people you could put on the island if you if you wanted to yeah a hundred percent i was like this one i was like oh my god no but this one's worse and i was like oh my god no this one so yeah it was a bit like oh how am i gonna how am i gonna trim this down cool so now we're left with the cream of the crop of of your dick so uh i'm interested to hear

who we're gonna get let's let's dive in then who's gonna be the first person joining you on the island so i think the first person is gonna be that guy whose name i've forgotten because I've been ranting about him for so long. That guy from, what is it, the David Dickinson. Is it, you know, the one that, the guy that does. From the antiques. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Like the very orange skinned.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. And leather. He looks like leather, innit? He looks like leather. Like that guy, him, 100%. Like, can you imagine being on a desert island with him? He'd be trying to, like, give you a price on a piece of bark and things like that.

Do you know what I mean? Like seaweed, he'd be like, I value this at 25p. Like, no. Do you know what I mean? It would just be a nightmare. And I imagine him being a bit of a diva as well. Like, he'd just want to tan all the time and he'd'd want you to go and and like forage and get him like a coconut and stuff like that you know what I mean no he'd just be a nightmare I reckon

I mean you say you'd like to tan all the time at least then you'd see him in a sort of a vaguely natural skin color you know rather than this do you know I mean because that was like one annoying thing about him is like it's so distracting just going what what color are you like no one on earth no race or ethnicity is that color like what what are you doing so at least that would be like one thing less or maybe like he would just go an even crazier color maybe it's like set into his skin so deep over the years that is just that's it now exactly. It would be interesting to see him, but he'd be hell of annoying for sure, I think. Yeah, maybe he could be a bit of a diva.

Yeah, I saw him on like, do you know that there was a programme, you know, Mr and Mrs, you know, where they get like couples and then whether they're married or just a couple. And he was on it with his wife and he was such a diva. Like everything, like they were like, who has the most tantrums? It was always him. Like all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, and he looked like a bit of a diva on then.

And, yeah, I was just like, oh. And he looks like he's been tangoed, isn't he? Like if he would have come out at that time. Remember all those, you've been tangoed adverts. He would have been like if he would have come out at that time remember all those you've been tangoed adverts he would have been like he would have been the best candidate for those i think they wouldn't have had to paint that poor man that they did orange and then bring him on and slap him in his head like he was he's already you know he's already done like you know you know when you buy furniture and it's already put together that's him in it and just tango him I mean he does look

like he's been covered in like some kind of furniture varnish yeah you know like the metaphor works in a few ways I think yeah I wonder if you have to buff him every morning if they have to buff him black you know with that yellow cloth and stuff and polish him and he's got nice hair though like his hair is like great he's got a full head of hair and it's thick and, like, it looks healthy, but it's just his skin just looks mad. Yeah, maybe all the goodness sort of sapped out of his skin and went into the hair. Yeah.

And the orange is just, like, a preservative, trying to, like, keep everything encased and keep it going for as long as possible. Yeah. Like, Mr Burns from The Simpsons, he's like that. Yeah. keep everything encased and keep it going for as long as possible yeah like mr burns from um the simpsons he's like that yeah you know that always has to go like have all these medical not it's not medical scientific procedures just to get up in the morning yeah just like embalming him or something yeah exactly yeah i think with someone like david dick, I'm always a bit, you know, when someone deals with something like something where there's like design or art or craft or something, but they sort of look a bit of a mess.

It's like, I can't trust you that much because it's like you're talking about these pieces of furniture, these antiques that are kind of well crafted and elegant and important. And you don't put yourself together that way. It's like paul hollywood on bake off it's like yeah you know like you make these you could probably make these beautiful elegant desserts but like you're just like this real sort of thug you know i mean there's nothing kind of elegant about you and like the way he cuts the cakes he really just like slashes into them as if he's angry at them and it's like i don't trust that it's like carry yourself with a bit of grace if that's sort of your your do you know what i mean it doesn't fit i don't trust them

yeah i think i i think i'm a bit like that will people see me like that on stage because i come out and they're like oh here we go and then you hear all these comments going oh a woman or oh my god what's she doing or or she's a character act and stuff like that and then i'll just come out there and open my mouth and they're like oh my god then they laugh and they don't expect it so yeah no i know what you mean it's like you know like um what's that woman you know that anna winter the one that um yeah she's always got those sunglasses on but again i think and i agree with you like she doesn't the sunglasses are the most kind of sophisticated thing about her and her hair

just never moves in it sometimes you get people they just don't look like what they do and I like that I do like that but um but yeah it is is I like it when you have an image of someone or an idea and then they break that idea and you're like and I'm like yes you're one of me yes yeah I think when you're like pleasantly surprised at something but if he's like yeah I don't know but I just don't know this part of me I'm like do you know about antiques I don't know like okay well I think he's a good a good start to the island and um yeah of course you know a lot about how unpleasant this island is going to be for you will depend on, you know, who's joining the two of you. So who's going to be your next choice for the island?

So I think my next one, people are probably not going to like this one. I think my next one will probably be Joe Wicks. Okay, Joe Wicks. Yes. Yeah. Because he'd be like, come on, let let's do exercise he'd wake you up at like two in the morning go come on gotta do a couple of laps around the island are you mad I am not doing that so he'd probably be like everything I put in my mouth would be like oh that coconut's

got way too many calories Fatiana do you know I mean I just won't be able to cope also he's got really nice hair and my hair would be covered so I'd be well jealous so that would be the other thing and I think he him and um David would probably get on really well because they'd both be tanning all the time and that can you imagine them running down the beach together like just their hair yeah exactly their hair and I'd you know they probably have competition in who can stay the orangest and no so no no i don't want it he would be the worst i can imagine this sort of the bay watch running and then yeah two it lasts for like two seconds and then david dickinson's just panting behind i don't think he's that fit and then you'd probably see a seashell and be like oh oh that's about 25 pounds you know and then they'd start oh no i just couldn't i won't be able to do it joe wicks i

think is a funny one because you know he's one of those people it's like when jamie oliver sort of was doing all his health food things for like you know helping schools and stuff and it's sort of like he's kind of so everywhere that you know you are doing a good thing you know making the nation healthier in your own way and you're doing it and it's positive that you know people can work out in lockdown but it is just kind of annoying at the same time and um and his voice you know he's quite sort of like this all the time and it's just a bit sort of just can you just tone it down a little bit it's just that kind of like pitch. It's kind of great.

It's on me. We're going to do some squats now. I just, you know, I kind of want someone who's just like, all right, we're all tired. Let's just give it a go. Yeah. All right. Can you do 10 of these? Well done.

All right. There we go. Then we'll move on to something else. Okay. Here we go. Just like easygoing, like, you know, I know you had a couple of fags last night. It's all right. But we're going to put that aside.

We're going to move on. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, something like that, like without shaming, kind of. I don't, like, I'm not necessarily saying shaming, but, you know, sometimes these exercise things can be so, make you feel shamed and make you feel like i don't know like um you're not doing good enough it's like what you said you just want someone to be like all right okay let's do 10 oh you only done two that's all right mate come on

let's do another one or whatever something like that yeah so yeah it would just be the exercise thing for me i'll be like i can't do this and then like i don't know making like coconut protein or something like that i just wouldn't oh i'd cry i'd just go do you know what i'd do i'd cut my leg and then go in the sea and wait for the shark to eat me that's what i would do i just couldn't cope it's weird with personal trainers because with joe wicks like yeah if he was on the island with you you just want him to sort of calm down and like not try and sort of busy you along with with exercise you know and i like going to the gym and it does make me feel better and stuff but i still don't want to have like anything to do with him yeah like if you if he did tone it down and he just lost all hope and he just sort of went, oh, I don't know, what's the point?

Joe, you're not doing your press-ups today. He's like, no, what's the point? I can't be bothered. You're like, oh, that's quite sad. It would be like a puppy loses its spark, you know, and it just sort of gives up and just sort of waits to die. You'd be like, this is more depressing than David over there. He's given up, but he's not making me as sad, you know,

because, like, you're so bouncy and full of energy. Then I think he'd find something else so he'd probably he'd probably you're right he would be kind of like he would keep everybody upbeat but everybody probably want to kill him because it's like can you just chill out let me just you know swim and tan whatever let's work on the sos sign to get saved do you know what i mean all that kind of thing but then you could do other things like he's got long hair so he could we could plait each other's hair do you know what i mean all that kind of thing but then you could do other things like he's got long hair so he could we could plait each other's hair do you know i mean i mean if he saw my hair he'd have to marry me because that's how we muslims roll but do you know i'm saying he would you could still like plait each other's hair and stuff like that and i'm sure he he would find like he would probably use the grease from the coconuts to like

as um sun sun lotion you know what i mean and stuff like that he'd do or he'd start cooking Like he would probably use the grease from the coconuts to like as sun, sun lotion, you know what I mean? And stuff like that. He'd do, or he'd start cooking and then I'd really lose my shit. I would just be like, oh, go away. I do think they occupy a difficult space. Cause like if, if you're a personal trainer and you're really like just built and like,

you know, look amazing, you you know it's a nice sort of instincts to be like oh you prick and then yeah but then like at my gym there's two personal trainers who like who definitely don't look like that like you would have no idea that they're personal trainers like they're kind of like like big but like got a bit of a paunch on them you know and it's but then you've gone the other way, and people probably like that because they feel comfortable working out with them. But then you're kind of going, do you know what you're talking about? Because you don't look in great shape.

So you're kind of fucked either way. I don't know. So in a way, I sort of feel a bit bad for them. But, yeah, I definitely don't think I want to be stuck with one on an island. No. Hell no. Okay. Who's going to be your

third dick then rounding out the uh the the triumvirate of dicks uh so I think my third one would probably have to be I love this person but I think it'd have to be Sunita I'll tell you why she was on I'm a Celebrity get me out of here and oh my god did you ever watch it when she was on it I haven't no I didn't watch it

so oh my god so her and Pat Sharp came into it at a later stage and they had to sleep in a cave oh my god she was scared

of everything like the light flickered she'd scream and then like Pat Sharp would be like what's going on here? And she's like screaming the house down, mice, everything. Like a piece of sand would touch her and she'd like scream the house down. So I think she would just tear up your anxiety.

She would just, she would probably need a lot of reassurance. The good thing with having her there, she could sing and all that. Do you know i mean i can imagine her and i can imagine like joe like joe and um david running down you know doing the baywatch thing and she could be singing macho macho man do you know i mean and all that so she'd provide entertainment but she's a big scaredy cat and i'm scared of like things too so like mean her just, our anxiety would make love. Do you know what I mean? We would just go mad in there.

So she's not necessarily a dick, but she'd just drive everyone crazy, I guess. Yeah, I think it would just be a bit much to deal with, wouldn't it? Yeah. She does seem a bit odd. Like, I remember, this is years ago now, and it was on, I think, X Factor. Yeah. And Simon, like, you know the bit where they go to, I haven't watched it in ago now, and it was on, I think, X Factor. Yeah. And Simon, you know the bit where they go to,

I haven't watched it in a long, long time, so this might almost be out of date now, but you know the bit where they go to a judge's house for some reason and they went to Simon Cowell's house and then Sunita walked out, but she was just wearing, instead of clothes, she was just wearing these big leaves over her. Do you remember that? Do you ever see that?

Yes, yeah. It's like, what the fuck? Like, no one's asked. You get the sense that no one asks for that. Like, she was just staying at Simon's house and the producers went, look, we've got these X Factor contestants coming over to Simon's house.

It's part of the narrative. So if you don't mind just sort of making yourself scarce and she's going, no, don't worry, I'll turn up. I've got a great idea. And the producers are like no no sunita look it's fine like none of them they're all like 19 none of them know who the fuck you are anyway like just just you know go and have a swim by the pool we'll be done in like half a day so you can come back she's like okay i get it wait there and then just comes out wearing leaves and you're

nobody asked for this sunita like what are you doing and you imagine she's doing that every day and you're like sanita it's been three months you know like there's no leaves left on the island i can't make a roof for the hut anymore because you keep wearing the fucking leaves exactly i reckon she'd do silly stuff like she'd probably make clothes out of the food reserves and things and you'd be be like, what are you doing? Why are you wearing bananas? Like what the hell are you doing? Like things like that.

She'd probably, you'd work really hard, like you said, to make a hat or something. And she'd pull it apart trying to make, I don't know, a hat or something. So she's, yeah, it feels like she's not very, a bit in her own world. Yeah, that's it. I mean, like that kind of thing. And I think that would be like quite a fun novelty now and again. You know, like, I don't know.

Yeah, you climb up a palm tree, Sunita's in there, just pops out. And you're like, oh, that was random. Didn't expect that. Oh, nice one, Sunita. But just like all the time, like a Sunita Jack in the box just appearing in like, oh, coconut bikini. Yeah, okay, great. okay great yeah no for sure and i think the three of them as well would um because they're quite big characters i think they'd be they'd probably be fighting for limelight and stuff like that like i can imagine her like singing and then maybe david trying to go higher than her and then Joe Wicks going, you know, doing 20 more press-ups

and it would just be mad, yeah. Yeah, oh, my God. Just thinking about them, like, doing mad stuff, like getting jellyfishes out of the sea or something and trying to wear them or something. Or doing, you know, like that crazy stuff, you know, like, I don't know, putting urine on your skin because that apparently some guru somewhere she got it from i don't know guennaf paltrow's you know

website like oh yeah that removes you know the the uh your eye bags the bags under your eyes like you know what i mean mad shit like that and it ends up killing everyone and you know yeah picking you know spending the whole day in the forest picking mushrooms that are like bloody poisonous or that attract hyenas or something that's the kind of mad she'd put us all in peril i know she would yeah i don't yeah sunita is an unknown quantity and not to be trusted 100 you'd ask her to do that like do sign so that, you know, the aeroplane can see it or whatever. She'd probably write her name or Simon's name or some shit like that. You know what I mean? I was just going to say the same thing when you said that.

I was like, well, I got to the S and I just thought, you know, why not? She might find a phone, say like she found a phone from maybe the previous person that was stuck there had left and there was like one bar on it and you know rather than calling the you know calling for help she'd probably take a selfie and then the battery'd be gone or something like that yeah that's the kind of shit she's a liability she's a liability yeah just showing you something like how long have you had this phone say i ignore that look look at this thing on twitter you're like not now sanita these replies go back days have you had this phone? It's like, oh, ignore that. Look at this thing on Twitter. You're like, not now, Sunita. These replies go back days.

Have you just been, that's where you've been. I thought you were making yourself some new clothes or some shit. You've just been tweeting. Imagining them all together. I can just imagine David Dickinson and his sort of chat up lines with Sunita would just be unbearable yeah as well I wonder if they would both because obviously we'd be stuck on there and like obviously there'd be four of us but they ain't getting shit from me because I need to see a dowry before any

of that shit happens do you know what I mean so they ain't getting nothing from me but I imagine yeah they'd probably get a bit like yeah chatting her up because she is really beautiful I can imagine them being like oh Sunita how are you have a bit of my coconut you know wink wink and then like you know sharing their stuff with them and I'll be like hello like I need to eat 10 times a day like do you why are you not sharing your food with me and they'll be like laters and then Joe will be like you need to do a bit more press-ups and then i'll punch him in the face and then um it'll be pure carnage well they are good selections very good selections so far so um you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, now, Fatiha, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad okay so i think the first thing would have to be pistachio nuts really i can't even say it yeah they're nasty how can anybody eat them they're like do you know what i think i have a problem with anything that's light green i can't do it like, do you know what? I think I have a problem with anything that's light green. I can't do it. Even like peas. I don't really like peas.

You know, like mushy peas. Yeah. Mushy peas are nasty. And I don't even like peas when they've got their shell on. I don't even like them. They're nasty. But I do eat them. I will eat them, but they're nasty.

But yeah, pistachio nuts are just disgusting. I don't know. They have like, I like opening them and I like the saltiness on the shell. So like I'll lick the shell and then throw the rest away because I'm just like, this is nasty. They just taste like, I don't know, they're a bit, they remind me a little bit of avocado and I don't like avocado.

They're like a bit buttery. Yeah, I know what you mean. Do you like pistachio? Yeah, I mean, I would say they're my favourite nut. I would go that far, yeah. But, I mean, they are a lot more effort than other nuts because other nuts people take out the shells for us. I don't know how they've sort of got into the position

where we have to do all the work. And, you know, in 2022, why am I taking the shells off them when all the other nuts are naked? I mean, even though I like them, the idea of them being your only food source on the island, having something that small and delicate to like open up to eat, to get full off them would be very tricky and very boring. I mean, basically your whole day would be spent shelling pistachios

that you could just eat. They would take so long to eat enough of them. You'd basically have to just start shelling as soon as you get up. But what's his name? Joe Wicks might like that because he might see that as a form of exercise. He'd be like, come on, guys. Yeah, get really strong thumbs. Exactly.

And Sunita would probably throw the nut away and keep the bloody shell because that's the kind of person that she is. And David Dickerson would just be there watching Sunita. So he wouldn't really do anything. I reckon he'd want us to serve him. And I would serve him. I'd serve him a bloody slap in the face. I'd be like, get your ass up.

Get up. So, yeah, he would get it. But, yeah, it would be like pistachios yeah i've just got this image because you were saying about like liking the salty taste on the shells i just sort of imagine you're sitting there having a drink and like you know eating pistachios and you're just sort of licking the shells and just someone sort of thinking i'm being really cruel or something like how can you let your friend just sit there licking pistachio chow no she likes it honestly i'm not that peanuts as well i don't hate peanuts but i like seasoned ones so you get like

lime ones like like lime and um coriander or whatever there's all different ones salty ones it's the honey ones i like cashews with like honey on them the honeyed ones but those I like I just I like the cashews but with the peanuts I just suck that all off and then throw them back in the packet and then I leave because I know my mum's gonna call me in like 10 minutes and go what the fuck have you done just run away so I don't even do it and I live in my I've got my own place I just do that at her house and then piss off so yeah I know it's terrible

when I'm like 40 sometimes I act like I'm 5 she's always like how old are you? just leaving a bag of wet nuts at your mum's house she goes nuts she actually goes nuts.

Yeah, that's the pun. Nice. Okay, what would your drink choice be? My worst drink choice, I think, has to be like aloe vera water and coconut. You know those waters with... Yeah. Oh, mate, they're nasty.

What's that? They've got little bits in them. And it's like jelly, isn't it? Yeah. And then other little bits. I don't know what it is. I'm like, no, no, I can't. It'll make me sick.

I can't, man. That's just nasty. And I know we'd have natural coconut water there because there'd be coconuts. And that's even worse. And I'm like, oh, my God, I can't do that. No. Yeah, it's disappointing.

I remember being away somewhere and seeing someone That's even worse. And I'm like, oh, my God, I can't be, like, no. Yeah, it's disappointing. I remember, like, being away somewhere and seeing someone, you know, drinking from a coconut, you know, with a straw in it. And they get the big green coconut and they hack it up and they put a straw in it thinking, God, that looks great. Yeah, like, yeah, I want to try one of those. And just being so disappointed. There's this, like, really heavy drink that i didn't want and it was warm because obviously you can't like refrigerate a whole fucking cheese green coconut it'll take days

you know waste your time like chilling coconuts for foreigners and then people are like spending loads of money going to whole foods like oh i love coconut do you know you can live off this stuff it's amazing and the aloe vera ones like i love going to like asian supermarkets and like finding you know ingredients there and but you know when you get yeah you get those sort of bottles and like the clear bottles and it's like it's like a jelly you know you can see the bits got suspended in it like you know it's that thick consistency it's not even like sinking to the bottom they're just there no exactly it just yeah oh mate it's like oh that jelly thing's like what you said and they always you know when they open

that coconut they always put the little umbrellas there to try to to try to fool you do you know like oh no this is a night and they put these fancy straws and all that and then you're like no bruv that tastes like shit. Don't you? You know, when you were young and your mum would give you, like, a nasty medicine and she tried to put it in a yogurt or something. My mum didn't do that. My mum was like, you are having this, whether you like it or not. So there was none of that dressing it up.

And if you didn't, she'd just give you a slap. And I'd be like, okay, let me just take the medicine. I prefer that to a slap. So, you know, Joe Wicks would probably drink that like every day all day he'd be like this is so refreshing but it tastes like shit but they but yeah and they know that but they just still oh no i can't it's the bits as well why has it got bits in it i do like orange juice with bits like i prefer the smooth one but sometimes i fancy the bits one so i do i do have that but that's different but that's because the yeah but then the liquid isn't

so thick to start with so it's like you know and you know i don't know it just feels like yeah if i squeezed an orange into my mouth this is what would happen yeah you can still sort of drink it and it's nice and refreshing but this is like it's like hair gel isn't it it's like looking at hair gel it just doesn't look the consistency and it doesn't the thing you know sometimes you can taste out you know like for example passion fruit passion fruit that's another thing passion fruit is like such a fake thing like the thing the size of a tennis ball what you get out of it you can't even get it on a spoon like it's so little in it it's a fake thing in it it's like but like that that looks so disgusting and ugly looks like eggs it looks

like frog eggs but then when you taste it it's quite nice i like passion fruit passion fruit it's one of my favorites yeah yeah it's just like it's just tropical just intense i think it's amazing and it's but it's not like that that drink that coke that i love here around I think it's amazing. But it's not like that drink, that aloe vera and the coconut. It's not like that. It's just... Okay. Now, Fatiha, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Okay, so my least favourite film of all time is A Few Good Men. Okay. The thing about this film is I don't have a fucking clue what it's about because every time I watch it, I get to the end and I'm like, I don't understand what's happened here.

I don't know what's going on. All I know is that tom cruise is a lawyer and then jack nicholson works in the army and and tom cruise wants the truth and jack nicholson says he can't handle it that's all i know that is all i know i'm telling i'm serious i don't know what that film's about i don't understand what happened i just don't get it i don't know i can hear the words coming out of their mouth but i don't know what's going on it's such a waste of time and the only and then when they show that bit where they go you can't handle truth that's the only thing that I know like I'm like oh yeah oh okay I've seen it now like I don't

know it's shit it's you know when sometimes you get these films and their plot is so complicated and I feel like that's one of those films and I'm like they lose me within the first five minutes I'm like no I need things that are like really simple. Either boy meets girl, they fall in love, something happens, they break up, then they fall back in love. Or like, boy, I don't know, like man meets man, and then they go and rob a bank. That's the kind of simple shit that I want.

I have to go and do a law degree to watch that film and then I have to join the army to learn about the army to watch that film. It's bollocks. Honestly, it really is. Also, I think it's just like that line, you know, it's an iconic line, but it's sort of like if you've got someone screaming at you like,

I want the truth, and you just go, you can't handle the truth. Like, what do you expect them to do? Just go, oh, really? Oh, is it? Okay, fine. I'll leave it then. Imagine if that was what happened in court.

It's like, do you swear to tell the truth? It's like, well, I would, but can't handle it, mate. But you can get the whole, I guess, the whole thing we can get from that, I guess, is they're in a court, I don't know. I'm not even going to try to like work it out it's some bullshit and if I ever meet Tom Cruise I'll ask him to explain

it yeah I mean apparently he's meant to be very patient with fans and stuff so maybe he would just like everyone's waiting for their autograph and you're there going can you just explain the entire plot of A Few Good Men but then he'd probably be like you can't handle the truth he's probably waiting for it.

He's waiting for someone to do that. Yeah, one day. All right, what would your song choice be? So my song choice would be this, this song, God Give Me Strength. It is the Beach Boys song, you know, Wouldn't It Be Nice? And the reason why I hate it so much

is because it's on an advert on tv and I think it's um it's a telephone advert um and they've been using that same song I think for about five years and I just can't do it and you know and there's irony in picking that too in the fact that we're stuck in the beach and here's a beach boys going wouldn't it be nice and I'm like wouldn't it be nice if an airplaneoplane would come and pick us up? You know that? So it just annoys me. It's just such a like,

oh, I don't know. As soon as I hear that word, like, and then it's like, I don't know. The chorus is in the start. It's everywhere.

The whole song is just, wouldn't it be nice? And they're just repeating it again. And I'm just like, oh no. Whenever I hear it, I'm like, i have to put the tv on mute it's one of those songs that feels now so synonymous with an advert if you actually hear the whole thing like on the radio it's weird that it goes on for as long as it does you know you're so used to hearing a clip and you're like this has been going for ages like just three minutes long yeah i don't know that song i don't know there's something

you know like i can imagine it being in a horror movie you know like the beach boy like it may be like a resort a beach resort that's been overtaken by zombies or something yeah and then they play that all the time while the zombie it's got it's eerie it's a bit eerie i don't like it everyone on the beach is turning against each other, like killing each other, but that's sort of playing in the background and it's sort of, yeah, the counterpoint to like the horrible, grim stuff that's happening is just this like sunshiny, happy tune, California in the 60s and you're like bludgeoning Joe Wicks to death

with a coconut husk. Wouldn't it be nice? Yeah, exactly. It's just, yeah, no, I hate it. Yeah, you paint a good picture. I can definitely see it. Okay. Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

Which animal is it and why? Oh, my God. The fox. The fox. Yeah. dick of all the animals which animal is it and why oh my god the fox the fox yeah it's not only a dick it's a bastard as well like i hate honestly the other people don't believe me when i say this right but a long time ago this was before internet right there was a documentary on tv right about this street in london i can't remember i think I think it was West London and people were calling the police and going like we're getting mugged by foxes and they were like shut up are you mad get off the line and all this right and then that I don't know how but like the TV got hold of it maybe someone contacted them I'm not sure and they did a little investigation so they got one of their reporters walking down and he was holding like a tesco's bag do you remember when the tesco's bag used to

be plastic and they had like three blue lines down the middle it was that bag right and he had like a pizza in there like a um you know the ones that are you just the ones not the frozen ones the ones that are in the fridge the ones you just take home and yeah those it was he had that and he had um garlic bread and he was walking down and a fucking fox come out right and then he just carried on walking the fox came up ran up to him went in his bag took out the garlic bread and ran off so then he was like oh look now you've got proof everyone look you see it really does happen then he carried on walking and the motherfucker came back for the pizza i was like no bruv so since then i'm like these foxes are pricks right they're so used to people they're not scared of us now like in london they just walk around i see a fox in south london with free legs

walking at a bus stop it was like walking through the people in the bus stop like yeah what i'm here what are you gonna do yeah i'm gonna get on. Yeah, watch me get my oyster out of my ear. But I was like, no, bruv. What's this? Honestly. The other day I was coming back late from a gig and I live near like train tracks. So like to get to my flat, I have to walk like under these arches. And I see something coming and I thought it was a dog. You know, sometimes like homeless people have like, we've got like lots of,

near where I live, there's lots of like homeless people and drugs and stuff like that so sometimes you get homeless people you know they don't put their dogs they have a dog and they don't put it on um on um a leash so i thought it was that and as i walked closer it was massive it was a massive fox i ran back now you've got to look at me i can't run but trust me i can run when there's a fox okay i ran back and i went all the long way around to the street to go to my flat i was shitting myself i was like what if i get there and he's there like they just yeah no foxes i think they'd kill us they really would yeah they're definitely getting to the point where they just don't give a fuck anymore yes i mean in my garden there was it's happened

a few times now like there's a there's one fox in my area and it's actually quite a nice looking fox it must be like the king fox or something because it's like quite big and it looks like really well groomed and stuff and it was just asleep in the middle of the day in the middle of our lawn and it's like it's not like you're even underneath the tree or like hidden at the edge you're like right in the middle of my lawn and my cat now won't go outside and now my cat is shitting in my house and it's like and i've had him for 10 years and now i have to deal with this i didn't mind them until they started causing me so much fucking work they're really i do like them i think they're really pretty to look fucking work. I do like them.

I think they're really pretty to look at and stuff. And they're super smart, though. I like watching them on the wildlife documentaries and stuff, like the Arctic box. It can be in a foot of snow, and they can be on top of a lake or something, and they can dive in and get a fish. They can hear the fish underneath. They can hear if there's like a mole running underneath or something like that.

They're so smart. But they're also like, yeah, what? They're thugs, innit, as well. They're smart thugs. They're like, yeah, what? I'm going to open your bin and I'm going to shit here. What are you going to do? And it's like, bruv, don't start your shit with me.

Have you ever seen like when they're having sex as well, they make those horrible, horrible noises. And you have to listen and go, is someone being murdered? Or is it a fox? Do I need to call the police? Oh, no, it's just a fox. You know, one of my nieces, my brother lives near Clissold Park, and one of my nieces was getting married.

So her mum was coming over from Morocco to come. She was getting married here. So she came over. And one night, my sister, so she was sleeping. And she woke my brother up. And she was like, wake up, wake up. Someone's getting murdered. And my brother, like, flew out of bed.

And it was a fucking fox. And she was like, oh, because I don't think they have foxes in Morocco. They know of them. I don't think we have them over there. So, like, they don't think they have foxes in morocco they know of them i don't think we have them over there so like they don't hear that you know and then plus in morocco they would never come into like places because people would catch them and eat them and shit like that do you know i mean so they would never honestly like even pigeons over there you know like a pigeon you just have to look at and it flies off yeah you know because if they catch them they'll eat them

so they don't see them in the same way that we do here, where they just walk around and do whatever. I've seen them, like, there's a railway bridge near me, and I see them sometimes on the tracks in the night and stuff like that, and you hear them. Because, you know, it's got all stones on it, and you can hear the stones moving. I'm like, oh, is there some?

Because you do get workmen on there, but they'll always be in fluorescent jackets, and you'll see them with their torches and that. But when don't see that i'm like what's and then i look and then i can see their beady little eyes like and then i shut my windows i get so paranoid i'm like what if that prick can jump they're so sly and they can get in you know like some houses as well like some i used to work in a doctor's surgery and it used to be like next to an estate and a lot of the people on the estate used to be told like by the councils to keep their windows shut in the summer especially in the night because the foxes would get in and then you hear them of like mauling babies and and stuff like that and you know or eating somebody who's who maybe can't

who's got like um a physical impairment so can't move as much, you know, so they start eating your leg. What the fuck is that? Yeah, I know, I know. They're like, they're pricks. Yeah, I think it's the London fox or the urban fox. I just feel like we're, you know, six months away from just seeing them sitting on the swings skinning up. Like, they've got out of hand, you know, like,

I don't know what's going on with them. yeah like i used to love foxes but yeah i think that something needs to happen they're just they're just doing my head in at the minute so yeah well look i think it's a really good way of rounding off a really well chosen considered list of dicks for your island um i'm sorry that you know you're gonna have to spend so much time there i hope that you get rescued soon because i can see that this is gonna talk to you but um you know you've done really well so thank you so much for coming on and um where can people see more of you what you up to at the minute thank you for having me firstly i loved it thank you um so at the moment i'm just gigging. If people want to, I'm just, I just gig nearly every night.

So just doing comedy every night, performing. And if you want to see me, you can get me on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I post all my gigs on there and there's all details there, how you can get tickets and stuff. Yeah. And just thank you for having me. And yeah, I hope that lifeboat comes soon is all I can say. Definitely. Oh, it's been a real lifeboat comes soon is all I can say. Definitely. It's been a real pleasure. Thank you so much.

So, yeah, thanks for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. Thank you. There you go. That was Fatia El Gouri. And I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. It was a real pleasure chatting to her. I just think she's really, really funny. Desert Island Dicks is, of course, a Sync Clap production. It was created by James Deacon and produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus.

It was edited by the very wonderful Chris Attaway and we get social media support from Jason Leitch and Chinsey Clinton who is a real person but that's not his real name. Also, as always, a special mention to GrandMamsterFlash and John Deacon for their unwavering support and

just being nice people, I guess. So there you go, that was Desert Island Dicks. We're going to be back with another one next week. In the meantime, if you want to get in touch with us, you can at Dickspod on Instagram and Twitter. I think that's it. So I'll stop talking.

Bye.