Desert Island Dicks - FIN TAYLOR

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

Fin Taylor is the person speaking to Dan in this episode of the podcast. He's funny, he's got stuff to get off his chest, and both of those things make for a strong episode of Desert Island Dicks, so get amongst it. If this kind of thing makes you happy then you should definitely come and see us do the podcast live. We're helping open the Cheerful Earful podcast festival in October - you can get tickets by googling that name, or by going to the link in this description. I might even buy you a drink, depending on how deep into the cost of living crisis we are by then. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com. At Sierra, discover top workout gear at

incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hello, my name is Dan. I am your host for this podcast. It's called Desert Island Dicks, if you haven't noticed before when you were downloading it, or maybe it just came into your consciousness by accident. But anyway, here we are.

This episode features Finn Taylor. He's a funny comedian. I mean, most comedians are funny, some more than others. It's subjective. I happen to think he's a very funny comedian. So check out his stuff. But first, check out this podcast that he's done with us because I think it'll entertain you. And that's basically what we're all trying to do here, isn't it? If we're all honest with ourselves, aren't we just trying to have a good time? if you've had a good time listening to this podcast in the past or you have a good time listening to it today then please do consider giving us a little rating and a review on itunes or wherever it is that you get this from it's very helpful and we

appreciate it a lot and to show you my appreciation i'm going to stop talking now and let you listen to desert island dicks with Finn Taylor. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and host of Finn vs. the Internet, Finn Taylor. How are you doing?

I'm good, man. I'm excited. Good, good. You ready to vent? Yeah, because there's too many podcasts where you've got to pick your favourite things and you've got to be positive when I don't have that many favourite things.

So, I mean, you know, a few of your favourite things, it would just be a very short song if it was you doing that one. Yeah, but also I don't want to listen to the same song over and over again. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. The premise of Desert desert island discs is fucked

yeah yeah i think with desert island discs i mean you would just hate all the music that you brought with you by the end you just never listen to it ever again yeah you just wouldn't listen to music there was famously in like a long time ago i think it was one of the episodes in like the 50s or 60s or something there was an opera singer who just picked seven of her own songs yeah i respect that proper diva behavior let's just see this for what it is a chance to plug my own work that's a very admirable way of taking on desert island discs yeah definitely okay cool and i mean so normally i ask people at the at the beginning of the recording if if they're the sort of people that find it easy to rant i mean it feels already like, you know,

you're not going to have any problem with this. No, I suppose my main question is, what is this podcast's position on libel laws? How far are we able to go, really? Yeah, no, I don't know. I just find everything nowadays quite baffling. Just culturally, politically, everything. I don't know I find everything nowadays quite baffling just culturally politically everything

I try not to just open a vent because I feel like I don't want to become that guy that sort of guy that writes for the Times who wears red trousers and just sort of bleats on about the death of Test Cricket but I mean I'm probably 10 years away from that do you know what I mean? just a real grumpy fucking English middle-aged man.

Is that you? Is that where you started this? Yeah. I mean, I think there's definitely a point that you reach when you suddenly go, God, I'm getting really angry about the bins these days. And like, and sort of, you know, motor, like electric scooters on the pavement going too fast and those sort of things.

Thames Water, bane of my life at the moment. Yeah, Thames Water e-scooters. I do this thing. I don't think I have anger issues. I think I have anger, but I just deal with it. So I don't think it's an issue. But my wife's got an Amazon addiction. She's on maternity leave, so it makes sense.

She's bored, but she's just buying crap. So when I'm folding down the cardboard and recycling it, I have a little multi-tool knife, and I just stab the fuck out of the cardboard. I lay it up against the bins, and I just... I do that on the midnight. Is that normal? That's fine, isn't it?

That's a very male thing. Yeah, I see loads of people doing it up and down my school. Yeah, therapy? No, no, I just stab on midnight. Is that normal? That's fine, isn't it? That's a very male thing. Yeah. Yeah, I see loads of people doing it up and down my street. Yeah, therapy? No, no, I just stab the car. I just stab the car, blow up against the bins. That's what I do.

All right. Well, I can see you're champing at the bit, so let's just get stuck into it. Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island? Phil Spencer from Kirstie and Phil. Okay. This guy is just a peak twat I don't know what else

to say like the one thing you need as a TV presenter is to be able to sort of talk to people and to sort of have a basic level of social interaction he just doesn't have it he just sort of has these crazy wild eyes and he slaps people on the arm far too hard.

And he sort of laughs. You know when someone laughs and nothing's funny has been said? He goes, ha ha ha ha! And he's just, he's a maniac. And I've worked with, I used to do TV warmup and he had this show

that I don't, it can't still be going it's called Common Denominator right and it was um it was a quiz show and contestants would have to guess the link but they couldn't say link because of like the weakest link so they had to say the common denominator so every time there was a question which obviously it's a quiz show there's loads of questions every time he'd say what is the common denominator and he couldn't say common denominator so the records would go on for fucking 10 hours because he would have to go what's the sorry what's the common you couldn't read an autocue you couldn't talk to anyone his banter was worse than paul mccartney's the guy is a walking nightmare i want nothing to do with him

and i do like property shows. That's the annoying thing. So he's just always fucking there. My mum was always, she really liked location, location, location. And when I was looking for a house years ago, she kept saying, do you know what? I watched that and they get some really good results. You know, they're really good at haggling for the couple.

Why don't I sign you up to be on that? And I was like, because I don't want to meetirsty and phil i don't want them in my house i don't want to deal with them and she just couldn't understand it but they'd be so helpful as i i don't want to meet them i quite like kirsty i quite like her um chutzpah and are they actually married is that they like richard and judy are they married uh i don't think so but i don't know a lot about them so i could be wrong i think they're just two sort of estate agency people aren't they i don't know but that's the what came first were they tv people who got into property or were they literally just got to state estate agents that got famous is that what happened

because if it's if he was an estate agent first, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I always assumed that they came from property first, but I've never looked into it. So I don't know. I mean, you're right, though, it would make more sense if he came from that because he hasn't got the sort of charisma and, you know, enthusiasm that you'd expect from a TV presenter. But then it begs the question, why not get someone else? because there's no shortage of people who could you know who are good at that job yeah and they would be much more telegenic i just googled it they're not married despite the right this is complete bollocks despite their quick banter and heartwarming relationship phil has insisted there's nothing but a natural platonic

relationship between them while kirsty has been keen to make clear that he's a really, really nice person. It feels like they hate each other. And he especially has nothing but disdain for her. I don't think he, but I just don't think he's able to display any emotion other than mania. If I was on a desert island with him, I just want to get to the other side of the island. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I find with them, they always do a thing where it thing that's you know it's a property show and they go

well i really want to live in this area and they go well this area that we've found is just six miles away which in a lot of places doesn't make a huge amount you know if you live in the countryside six miles in a different village doesn't make a huge amount of difference but in london it's practically like the other side of london or you know if you're already in south london going six miles away you know you're croydon it's not even south london anymore and and they always kind of go well we can't fit your criteria but this is a tv show so can you just pretend that you agree with what we found you yeah because it will make our lives easy because otherwise we'll go on for a year with the same couple absolutely and there's just

this there's this sense of just grin and bear it from everyone that encounters him just yeah okay mate bye you wouldn't want to buy a property that he'd had anything to do with because then you'd have to see him again in the in the actual chain can't think of anything worse than being stuck on an island with phil spencer a strong first choice, well, let's see how he's going to, what the sort of interplay will be with the other guests on the island. Who's your next choice? Right, so I'd like to preface this by saying that I do like, I like drag queens.

I like RuPaul's Drag Race. Me and my wife are big fans of that. I have been to see Drag Live. I've even written for some just some drag queens but a drag queen out of context when you don't want to see one is the worst person to be around when you're not in the mood there is nothing work yeah like it's so grating and like if you're in if you're up for it, great night out. If you're stuck in a desert Island and it's just someone with three foot hair and eyelashes,

just being, being sassy while you're trying to survive. I cannot think of anything worse. I don't know. Maybe, maybe it would be a nice foil to Phil Spencer actually. Oh, I think Phil Spencer would absolutely loathe being stuck.

He would, he would really hate it. He wouldn't know what to do. But you Oh, I think Phil Spencer would absolutely loathe being stuck with a drag queen. He would really hate it. He wouldn't know what to do. But you know what I mean? It's just like, it's such, for me it's such a, oh, I'm in a good mood. I'll go and see this.

But if I'm just trying to get on with my day, the drag queen would be so annoying. Yeah, just like, you know, you're trying to get some coconuts.

They're making lots of double entendre about nuts in your hands and things like that you're like not now like i'm 40 feet up a tree i'm trying to hold on oh 40 feet up 40 feet up my tree oh it'd be like living in a carry-on film it'd be a fucking nightmare sass is fine but not constantly yeah i agree i think i mean apart from quite enjoying the image of phil spencer and the drag queen sort of him being chased around and they you know they're trying to sort of spank his bum or something i didn't think about how they'd interact with each other i just picked my choices in

isolation but actually it's getting more interesting i will i concede yeah but at some point he'll just storm off somewhere and won't be found he'll probably i can imagine can imagine him storming into the jungle and going a bit feral and sort of being rediscovered, having gone a bit mad and made himself a crown out of leaves. But meanwhile, you're stuck with the drag queen. Can we just have a normal conversation now? That's it. I just want them to just... It's the always-on.

Yeah, that's exactly it. It's the always-on. Just take the wig off. What's your real name? Stop singing. Actually, I went to a gig once. It was a comedy gig in Australia, which was ruined by, there was a drag queen in the audience that was sort of in character

that kept clicking. And like, instead of like laughing and kept holding her hand up. It was just like trying to drag focus i guess that's not i didn't mean the pun yeah it's just that kind of um when you're not expecting it there's nothing worse the idea of a drag queen you know when they're so done up and pristine seeing them sort of gradually deteriorate over time as the wig gets sand in it and the makeup starts to run yeah i mean you know a month in you're just it's going to look like some weird halloween zombie

drag queen it's going to you know she's going to be terrifying looking by the end of it that's true and i think you know obviously there's no reason they wouldn't want to get stuck in and you know mucking with the tasks on the island and stuff. But it's all going to be a bit more difficult because, you know, of long nails and heels. And cattiness. Cattiness is funny when you're playing to see it. But if you're in like, if you're sat next to a drag queen when the plane's going down, oh, no, you know,

just it's not time for campersides. Okay. Well, I think the two you've picked so far is superb and um you know it's kind of a wonderful image in my head so who's gonna who's gonna finish off the the trio basically there's this woman on tiktok i don't know what her name is but she just films herself eating raw meat i think she got banned because i think they thought she was encouraging because because it starts a trend or something right but yeah she uh she just she just has these crazy eyes and she just takes a bite out of like a whole raw chicken

there's this massive bit of red meat that she just dips in a tray of salt and just starts chewing at she eats a whole like fish head off like rips it off oh man i'm just thinking practically if we're struggling to find food and we find the fish but then she's she just eats it before you've had a chance to cook it that's going to be a real real bum out definitely and is she doing it she's just doing it for shock she's not because there's a lot of people these days who you know advocate things like raw meat diets and stuff like that yes it's not no it's not this is not a um diet influencer this is a crazy woman who has a camera and seemingly no method no heat source in her house uh she just stares into the camera and puts some music underneath her eating raw meat wow

where it's just kind of the whole t the whole TikTok thing is kind of baffling in that the only things that seem to do well are authentically crazy people. They don't want to see anything that's been like scripted or produced. They just want to see people in their most feral, mad, base animal instincts. Just like dancing or pissed or eating raw meat. That's all people want.

It feels a bit like, because it's, you know, maybe a slightly younger social media than the ones I'm used to, where it's like, you know, Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. It's, you know, one step removed from what I understand as being normal social media. It's just that bit crazier because it's you know one step removed from what I understand as being normal social media it's just that bit crazier because it's sort of maybe like a slightly younger generation who are more into it so I kind of it's more baffling to me like I'll see clips of stuff from TikTok and I'm like is that is that that's the whole thing but what is that yeah and I don't

get it I just don't get it I don't get why someone lip syncing. I put clips of my stand-up on there and a girl lip synced to it while doing her makeup. Like this clip got 3 million views and then she just lip synced the audio, putting makeup on, and that got 3 million views. I'm like, who's watching that? Why?

It's really weird, isn't it? It's so weird. I mean, yeah, the raw meat, because it sort of starts off as well. You think, okay, this person's doing their thing. That's giving them a lot of credit. Doing their thing makes it sound like they have any kind of art.

I can't stress how it's just a woman, like where you can see me now, this close to the camera, just eating raw meat. Oh, man. That's horrendous. I think influencers in general, in the same way that a drag queen is always on, an influencer now, you know, you're basically, you've privatized your entire human experience

and you're selling it through advertisers to an audience that is incredibly annoying if you're just next to them the whole time yeah it sort of feels like if you know if you had three wishes from a genie and you'd have to think really carefully because one thing that you thought would be really useful like i don't know having superhuman strength would later come back to bite you and there's a double-edged sword and you're too strong and it doesn't work it's like with the influencers you're like do you want to earn lots of money doing very little yes what's your thing this raw meat you're like okay fine there's your there's your success oh fuck now like this is all i can do and people go are you the raw meat woman god i

wish i just picked makeup like the rest of them. It's like that. There's a Japanese woman who smushes bread with her face. You aware of her? No. I think she's more YouTube. This is more YouTube. It's more our generation. Yeah. Than TikTok.

But that's like, that's like a, I think that's a sex thing for some people. I just, this is why I just, I feel like I should, I need to be in my house with the doors locked when I watch stuff like this. It's a scary world out there.

It's all getting so strange, isn't it? Sort of like someone lip syncing a clip of you. Everything's just so postmodern and meta at the minute. People used to read novels. We'd understand humanity through the written word. And now it's just people pointing at mental health tropes while jiggling their ass to a drake song and then you swipe down there's a woman eating the fucking camel meat raw i don't understand what's what like what's next is what terrifies me is

what's because tiktok will be done in in five years years because there'll be another thing. And I cannot for the life of me. That's when I go mad. That's when I just go, I need to live in the middle of nowhere. It's nice to think sometimes that maybe it'll all go so mad that it'll reset and people will just become really wholesome and normal. But it's so obviously not going to go that way. It's only going to get stranger. Yeah.

I think with the meat-eating eating lady you're going to be on an island at some point you probably would just eat raw fish because why not and you pull it out the sea and it's fresh and it'd be okay and it's you know just providing nutrients rather than pleasure at that point and i wonder if at the point where everyone's eating raw animals is she just going to be completely crestfallen like you know you'll just take away all that she has and it's like what the fuck do i do now guys and she'll just start eating even more crazy shit well i should just go into cannibalism won't she that she will just live stream our breakdown into cannibalism which i assume is how this ends yeah i think so if you want it to i mean it's up to you really

it's just the fish head one's the worst man well. No, it's the chicken. It's literally, she holds up a whole raw chicken and just tears a bit out. And you're like, that cannot be good for you. Yeah, absolutely. All right, Finn. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you,

it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad okay well i like i really like all food there's sort of only really one thing that i i just can't eat it's boiled beetroot i like beetroot when it's been pickled and it's like a sort of relish that's a bit of zing to i don't know salmon roll or something but boiled sliced beetroot it tastes of earth you pour in the the purple water away makes me feel queasy and then the texture i just i don't know when i first thought that it was like this would what would be like to eat a testicle but i haven't been able to get that thought out my head

and i so i just can't eat boiled beetroot i just can't stomach it at all yeah it's you're right about that earthiness it's sort of like it tastes sort of dusty doesn't it like it's been on the floor or something it's like yeah and white like potatoes are in the ground too and so are onions but they've come out and you've washed them, and they're fine. Why does a beetroot still taste like the ground? It's just one of those things as well that it really infects everything around it. Yes. With some things, you could just pick it out.

If you didn't like tomatoes in a salad, you could pick them out. Preach. You pick out a beetroot, you can still taste it. What the fuck's going on? It's everywhere. It contaminates everything it touches. You're right. If it's on there, contaminates everything it touches. You're right.

If it's on there, the whole dish is fucked. There's something as well about, I don't know, just the way it's in those packets of sort of... Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. They're kind of space food, vacuum packed. Yeah, which is the worst thing to keep it in. Because also the beetroot in the packet feet if you feel that that's like you're checking for lumps on your own balls yeah like if a lady wants to know what that's like it's it's

that and that makes it worse i just think i'm it just feels like i'm eating testicles and i mean also these are beetroots that have come from a plane so they're going to be the worst kind of boiled beetroot you know and they're sort of one of those little salad that have come from a plane, so they're going to be the worst kind of boiled beetroot. They're one of those little salad boxes you get on a plane where everything's a bit too cold. They're grim. They're really grim. I think it's a good food. I'm interested to see now what you're going to wash it down with, what your drink choice will be.

The only time I've had this was, I think it was the day after our wedding, or maybe the night before. Anyway, my brother-in-law had received this you know just when basically they've got like my in-laws have got this american friend and so whenever he goes to europe he like buys an alcoholic spirit that's like from there as a souvenir and he went to hung Hungary and he brought like the Hungarian spirit and it's called a Unicum. And it is the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth.

I mean, petrol is sort of doing it a disservice. Like it's worse than petrol. It burns. It seems to be, I think pure alcohol would be easier to digest. Like I felt I got cramped pretty much instantly. But Unicum, it's any kind of, I want to say, Balkan surrounding areas spirit.

No, it's bad. Bad vibes. I think we've got to the point where, you know, if a national spirit is good, it's become famous worldwide. Yeah, we already know about it. We already know about it. Like beer, vodka, whiskey, gin, wine, sherry, that's the type of wine I suppose, port, tequila. You'd say those are the spirits that work.

They're disgusting, but they work yeah any new ones stop we've got the ones that work the other ones are just petrol no one is there's no one's going to open a unicum bar in soho no one is you know uzo no thanks yeah i sometimes think they just exist to keep you know it's just for tourists to bring back or maybe you know like very old people sitting you know sitting around the table that's what they would drink do you think when you get old your mouth is just so done it's finished that in order to taste anything you you drink these spirits because you're right basically what happens is that someone goes to a country oh i'll buy the local spirit takes it back keeps it in a little cabinet with all the other tourist spirits doesn't opens it once goes and then just dies and leaves that

to their for their offspring to pour down the sink like what is actually happening to these sort of niche european spirits well i wonder like if they are naturally dying out a little bit because yeah people have realized they're shit but then i think it's one of those things where someone will try and bring them back at some point it's like some hipster will kind of go no do you know what we've got a great tradition in this country of making unicum and uh yeah i'm gonna bring it back and make my sort of artisanal unicum just like give it a second wind yeah if they found a way of mixing it then maybe but i would argue it's unmixable i think there's always sort of a race to kind of try and make it an old thing you know like i remember being in a sort of because i like i like sort of hipster beers and i remember being in a off license that sold lots of them and i said what's this mead like why are you

bringing back mead like and there's someone who's really like no listen you know like i really think this is gonna be like you know and it's so old it's so part of our roots you're like yeah but like probably rabies is part of our roots but we've got rid of it and it's okay. You know, we moved on. Penicillin's better. Yeah. Yeah. And it's the same with like, you know, natural wine. Like I like wine. We've had wine for probably, you know, hundreds, maybe thousands of years. And we know it's nice. So why have we gone back to when it was shit? Precisely. I couldn't agree more. I mean, you say you like hipster beers. I have to say that I'm done with them.

I just, I cannot deal with ordering a beer and being presented with a glass of grapefruit juice. I've gone hard the other way. I now only really drink Polish labourer lagers, like Tishke. There's one that's called Zuber. It's got a big bison on the front. It's like 7%. Those are basically the only beers I'll drink now. Central European, Eastern European beers, best in the world. Stick to beer lads. Don't be going into spirits. They're all death traps. No, but I can't stress how bad Unicum is. Fair enough.

Yeah, I think all those sort of forgotten spirits, I think, need to be forgotten more, like properly forgotten and consigned to the history books. I think that's, yeah, they're terrible and they need to go. Does that make sense? You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like

this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Okay, right. Now, Finn, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite film is the most recent wes anderson film yes it was called the french dispatch the french dispatch exactly uh i have to admit i fell asleep but only after

i got very angry at how self-indulgent it was and it's just pitiful just all aesthetic nothing going on he doesn't seem to care that people are actually going to watch this it's just him going i have a i have an image in my mind let's just act it out let's not give them any direction let's just put a fucking guy in a worker's smock and let's just give bill murray another gig i mean it's just pointless, just absolutely pointless. Do you know what? I completely agree. As a while ago, I was looking for something to watch with my wife and I hate that process of choosing something to watch.

I generally end up just giving up. But we saw it was on iTunes or whatever and it's sort of like an algorithm. It's like someone fed in all Wes Andersonerson films into a ai machine okay well i guess they're called computers aren't they yeah and and just sort of said you know like this one has been generated by you know making a wes anderson algorithm it's got all this sort of like style and like the little funny little panicky touches and like sort of weird little i don't know even the way they move and where they sort of like everything's presented but it's boring

those touches are fine if there's like a story or even a setting but no it's just garbage just absolute garbage yeah and it's quite long as well isn't it

I think it's over two hours yeah I really miss the days when films were an hour and a half and you knew you knew what they were about and Nicolas Cage was in them that i missed those 90s stupid action hour and a half out you know what i mean yeah i agree good film to

also the other thing is you know you know i don't know i mean i like wes anderson's other films so it's sort of you know it could be a good one but it's not well you're waiting you're watching it and you're waiting for it to like start basically and then i think we must have both reached a similar point where you realize you're being had yeah and it's not going to start and it's just this it's all bread nothing in the middle and yeah and just being on the island knowing that that's your only film and like i think each time you'd start oh maybe it is okay because you've got the familiarity of his kind of style but every time you just go oh yes i remember now yeah it is that bad yeah very disappointing and what would your song choice be i don't actually know the name of the song but um it basically my i have a one-year-old and she has like a thing we put her in when we

like need to go to the toilet or have a, you know, like a bouncer thing. And it's got a little keyboard and she smashes it and this classical song comes on, but it's like 8-bit. And it's... And then blow that one. It's something about spring, isn't it?

I've got no idea, but it came on, the actual piece of music came on in the car and I, like on the radio, I felt genuinely triggered and sort of almost had to pull over because it's just, you know, you have a kid and you have like, it has the toy and it just keeps,

it keeps pressing the thing. And so that's just in your head all the time. And it's one of those things where you have like it has the toy and it just keeps it keeps pressing the thing and so that's just in your head all the time and it's one of those things where you have to if it starts and then stops you get annoyed because even though you hate it you have to get to the end of it to feel like do i mean it's just a classic earworm that i cannot get rid of and i feel like in this nightmarish desert island scenario where french dispatch is playing on a loop there's a drag queen phil spencer's laughing at nothing funny and a woman's just eating a raw fish this like underscoring it all it's just gonna it's just gonna well it's gonna push me to just walk into the ocean and not come back isn't it i guess that's what this that's what this podcast is

isn't it it's what what is your top 10 sort of pre-suicide touch points isn't it that's what this podcast is, isn't it? It's what is your top 10 sort of pre-suicide touch points, isn't it? That's kind of what this podcast seems to be, is what would push you over the edge. Yeah. I think that, you know, there's so many things when you're a parent that make a sound or a noise and it's always too loud. Like a lot of them, if you notice, a lot of kids' toys,

they have two volume settings. So there's normal. Yeah, I've noticed that. Normal is usually too loud like a lot of them if you notice a lot of kids toys they have two volume settings so there's normal yeah i've noticed that normal is usually too loud already and then there's a louder button and it's why why did you think it needs to be louder manufacturers it's like awful i mean one very good tip my sister-in-law gave me is putting sellotape over the little speaker holes and that that then you've got it about the level you want some of the toys you just get used to so that you can't really hear them they don't register anymore you've heard them so much they just sort of sink into the background but some of them they never do that i don't know why some are more jarring or when there's a new one brought into the house you're like oh just i can hear

this so much yeah what's your number one enemy? There's a few things that, you know, the five-year-old used to have and now the one and a half-year-old's got. So you thought you'd seen the back of it, but then it comes back, you know, or you forget, oh, there's this thing. Oh yeah, he liked that. Oh, will you play with that?

And he's playing away and you're like, oh, fucking hell. I think it is definitely a recipe for sort of madness because you're often, you know, sleep deprived. You're trying to deal with someone that's just shouting at you relentlessly. And you've got some kind of music that you can't turn off that's on a loop. You know, if you wanted to torture someone, these are all tried and tested things. You know, like being screamed at, having music played at you relentlessly and not letting you sleep.

Yeah, I mean, that's the Bush and Cheney administration, isn't it? Yeah. The other thing is that you're stuck on an island with this music and you hate it, but it's also going to remind you of your child that you've left behind. So it's like, it's going to be really poignant as well in a way, because it will sort of, after a certain time, you won't have heard it, you'll be feeling low and you'll hear this fucking music that you hate. But there'll be a bit of it that will just conjure up pictures of your child.

Yes, but then the drag queen will start twerking to it. And all the beauty of that moment will be shattered. Yeah, yeah. By her going, yes! And then you hear the sounds of the raw meat going into the tiktoker's face. Fair enough. Okay, Finn. Finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. to Tucker's face. Fair enough. Okay, Finn, finally,

the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's my father-in-law's dog. I really like my father-in-law. I like my in-laws.

Great family. I feel very honoured to be part of it, but that dog is, there's no other word for it. It's a cunt. This is an old english sheep dog that everyone she goes out on walks and everyone's like oh wow because they're quite rare

nowadays uh and she looks like a dulux dog but she she grunts like a seal she doesn't she thinks she's tiny even though she's massive so she jumps on your lap and if you're not stroking her belly she basically barks at you until she does until you until you do uh and so she just she just paws at you like this and so you basically to shut her up you have to lie down and essentially spoon her if if you're in a room with her and someone's not stroking her belly you can't do anything so uh yeah she's the most annoying dog in the world and i lived with my uh in the first lockdown so and i you know there was no no gigs or anything didn't really work so i was essentially dog sitting this piece of work and yeah the idea of going back to that is

um well it was a big reason why i got vaccinated are your in-laws aware of your your feelings towards this dog yeah yeah yeah okay so i don't i think and um my wife finds her irritating as well and the my wife's brother and sister they fucking hate the dog they really hate the dog but my father-in-law is so loyal to it which should be the other way around shouldn't it the dog should be loyal to the fuck but he's got this misplaced loyalty for it also there's a point where you think a dog's going to calm down but she's like six now this is just her personality yeah um did you say that the island is overrun with these animals are you saying that there's like multiple clones she's called ziggy oh my days i can't think of

anything worse i would kill myself do all your guests say this is this how this podcast always ends no i don't know i mean some people manage to find some kind of catharsis in it um some people just feel sad at the end i mean you know sometimes i feel guilty because they're like oh i was in a really good mood before i don't know i mean you seem to be reacting you know quite negatively to it and um i feel it i feel itchy at the thought of of it like my skin's prickling something about the idea of an island overrun by old english sheepdogs like at first you're like, oh, and then you just go, God, it really stinks around here. Is she a smelly dog?

Because they sort of look like a dog that would be very smelly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you need to, you know, massage anal glands and all that. And then he does these huge shits, man. He's big. She lays some serious cable, that dog. And just kind of has always got like a wet beard like always got a wet face and so you've kind of got that kind of moldy salivary just oh i really like dogs but this one fucking this pushes me yeah and just

she circles as well like a shark if you're in a if you're in a you're in a room sat on a sofa there's nothing better than having a sleeping dog like near you it's the most relaxing homie thing but she just paces like around a coffee table just breathe paces like she's waiting for someone to stroke it's god it's so unsettling so you're doing that or she's yapping at you to fucking stroke her belly just so tiring i find dog's bellies quite weird because some of them are like you know they're sort of like skin under there no yeah at some point it becomes yeah yeah like i knew a guy had this dachshund and it sat on my lap and i was like oh it's quite cute quite velvety and nice and then yeah it's tummy strokes i was like it's like really oh, it's quite cute, quite velvety and nice. And then, yeah, it's tummy-stroked.

I was like, it's like really hot skin. It's like something a bit creepy about it. I don't know, because it had this texture of like a chicken, you know, like raw chicken, but really warm. And, I mean, I'm not a big dog fan anyway, so it's like, oh, God, are all dogs like this? This is, ew. No, I'm a big I like dogs.

I really like dogs. I guess that's the curse, isn't it? And I got lumped with the terrible dog. Well, you know, it just adds to a rich tapestry of terrible island life that you've put together for yourself. You know, you've nailed the brief. You look uncomfortable with your decisions. Yeah, it's a fucking hell scope yeah but you know that just shows

that you've done really well here you know you've really achieved what we set out to do so well done thanks yeah and I'm sorry but hey look let's distract everyone tell us what you're up to at the minute

where can we hear about what you've got going on you can follow me on all the platforms. I am on TikTok, but I just post clips of standup and my internet show. I don't eat raw, raw animals. Finn Taylor comedy on across all social platforms. Check out my YouTube channel.

I'm going to do a standup tour at the start of 2023. You can book tickets from finntaylor.com or fintaylortour.com or just google it my name's Finn Taylor just fucking put that in you'll find it but my yeah watch my YouTube series

called Finn vs the Internet I mainly just post clips of that brilliant well Finn thank you for coming on Desert Island Dicks I hope the rest of your day improves from here

because I feel slightly like I'm responsible for your mood right now but it's been a pleasure from my end anyway thanks for having me I have I have hated it improves from here because I feel slightly like I'm responsible for your mood right now but it's been a pleasure from my end anyway thanks for having me I have I have hated it Finn Taylor there for your listening pleasure thank you finn for joining us on this episode just about out of things to say here except to tell you that desert island x is a sync clap

production created by james deacon produced and presented by me dan benedictus and edited marvelously by chris attaway and supported in all weathers by John Deacon. I'm recording a lot of these at the minute. So there will be dicks flying at you thick and fast. I say fast. I mean, once a week,

we're probably going to stick to once a week. Well, if we don't, you'll know about it. So just stay where you are, make sure you're subscribed and they'll just come into your consciousness and you can enjoy them in your own time. That's it.

Bye.