Desert Island Dicks - FLO & JOAN

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

Musical comedy duo, Nicola and Rosie Dempsey AKA Flo & Joan, join Dan to share who and what they'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode, I'm joined by Nicola and Rosie Dempsey, better known as Flo and Joan. I just wanted to pop up here and ask that if you enjoy this podcast, please do like and subscribe and give us a review if you get a chance, because for all sorts of boring reasons I won't go into here, it's really helpful for us. And now, here's Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash

with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guests and here to share their desert island discs with us today are comedians Nicola and Rosie Dempsey, otherwise known as Flo and Joan. How are you doing? Fine, absolutely fine. Not too bad at all. Well thank you for joining me here today. Well I say here but there really because it's obviously all done over the internet. We're all just floating in the air. Our voices are just air float. How are you surviving your lockdown so far?

Judging by the last comment I made, not too well. It's been all right. I'm not a frontline worker, so I feel like I can keep my mouth very much quiet on the matter of how mine is going. Fair enough, fair enough. And how did you find the process of getting your choices together for the island? We found it interesting because obviously because there's two of us,

we had to come to an agreement on three. Yeah, I'm sorry about it. It gets harder for you if there's a two of you because you have to sort of whittle it down between you. Totally fine. Yeah, and I think because we're quite different and I hate a two of you because you have to sort of whittle it down between you totally fine yeah and i think because we're quite different and i hate a lot of people and rosie doesn't hate that many people so my list was quite exhaustive and rosie's was quite small uh so between we had to keep it

balanced but also uh we had to both hate the person or the people so it was an interesting discussion it's quite hard because even even people that you hate can you swear on this yeah even people you fucking hate they still will have some kind of use on the islands and i don't think anyone's completely unusable no like you could hate someone but then have them be very good at making fishnets in which case you really want them on the island yeah so that you can wear nice tights yeah given there's two of you and you've come at it from sort of opposing angles hopefully you know what we're left with is the real sort of you know solid gold dicks here so um let's crack on straight away who would be your first choice for the island uh the first one we've gone for is willie wonka but the gene wilder version okay willie wonka right yeah loved by children everywhere but not

by you i i don't know how lovable i think the gene wilder version isn't overly lovable um he is but he's not i think he's got that he smiles with his art he does a smize but then he feels like he could take it all away from me very fast as he does i think he's quite a threatening character in the film he kills like four out of the five children or like certainly injures them it makes me feel like he's not he's not a connected person and so he would be quite ruthless in getting rid of people if he found you annoying yourself he'd flush you down a big manhole or something that he's created for himself also i feel like his pockets would be full of chocolate all the time and presumably

this would be a hot island and so he'd just be leaving dirty little chocolate stains everywhere and you'd be constantly worried that you'd shit yourself because you put your hand in a brown mess not realizing that it was willy's chocolate on a hygiene level yeah he's one of the worst people you could have in town it'll be flies everywhere flies and wasps and ants and yeah the fucking nightmare i like that you made a good point there about the sort of hymns of dispatching other people you know in the in the factory in the film because it's a sort of low level version of saw in a way isn't it just sort of like taking people out due to weird inventive games and tricks.

It's quite psychopathic when you drill down into it. This is it, I think he's like... Roald Dahl was the original Stephen King, really. He saw a Stephen King film. No. God damn it! He went Saw. I have no idea, I haven't even seen it. Oh, I'm thinking of It. It gets picked quite a lot on this programme

though, so it doesn't matter too much if we know the names of the directors. Yeah, I mean, Roald Dahl obviously, you know, famously kind of would say how he likes children more than adults. But Willy Wonka being one of his creations, Willy Wonka doesn't really seem to like anybody unless you pass all his very meticulous tests. Even Charlie Bucket at the end, he gives him a real hard time of it he shouts at him he gives him the factory but he gives he doesn't do it in the most unsettling way he plays

some little mind games with everyone yeah it's all i think it would be like psychological torture and i'm a very paranoid person and i'd be terrified all the time that he hated me even when he was being nice to me i think he'd drive me to insanity just because i wouldn't be able to read him at all and i'd be permanently worried that i'd upset or annoy him and what are the consequences of that thing gonna be yeah yeah which i think the gene wilder is more of that case rather than the uh johnny depp version johnny depp version is about way more um he's a little lighter on his feet i'd say but gene wilder feels like he could uh throw you in a vacuum at any at any point and laugh about it it's funny isn't it because charlie's charlie's you know this uh well not

often but he's from a very poor background and so you know he's the one that really deserves it compared to all the other kids and they're all really excited for him because this poor little urchin now he's the heir to the Willy Wonka factory but at the same time you'd be really torn as parents because you'd think God, we have no money at all. Now he's

the heir to this confectionery empire but I'm really not that keen on leaving my son with him and also Willy do you want he's quite insistent that it's you know like no other people that don't need to be there which feels a bit dodgy in this day and age yeah i don't know any parent that would do that in now in the 70s absolutely let them run wild with whoever they want but like right now nowadays me too vibes that's all i'm saying i also don't

think you'd ever get you'd ever you'd never get a straight answer off gene slash willie i think you'd be like we shouldn't eat these fruit these are these look poisonous don't eat these fruit and he'd be like boys must dream pick up the fruit it's a snazberry and you'd be like gene i think you're gonna kill us yeah or he'd take allberry. And you'd be like, Gene, I think you're going to kill us. Yeah. Or he'd take all the, you know, you'd find he'd stripped all the trees of fruit. And then he'd just be making his own candies in the rest of the island. You're like, I don't need sweets.

I need nutrition. Yeah. Come on. This isn't working for us, Willie. My teeth are falling out. Yeah, or just playing lots of tricks with it. He's a sort of like Dr. Seuss kind of character, isn't he? It's that sort of quite wacky and strange and definitely untrustworthy.

So I think it's a very good choice. Anything else on Willy Wonka before we move on? He's a Me Too candidate and he's untrustworthy. That's the headlines here. And a groomer. I also feel like he would wear his full suit and a top hat for the whole time we were on the island and he'd fucking stink. I don't think he washes enough.

He either washes too much or not enough, which would annoy me, and he'd always be in his goddamn suit. So I'd feel underdressed, and also he'd stink. He'd absolutely stink. And he'd never wash his hands, I don't think. He definitely doesn't wash his hands, for sure.

I don't think you've seen him wash his hands once in that film. Even in the room where there's foam everywhere he doesn't even relish the scrubbing his hands through the foam does he wear gloves quite a lot as well because that feels a bit shifty if you've always got gloves on yeah it's like you're hiding something yeah with little leather gloves just got weird clawed hands. Or just all bone. Yeah, just skeleton hands. He's definitely hiding something under those gloves. Willy Wonka joins you on the island. Who would be your second choice?

Literally any opera singer in the world. I don't discriminate. If you put an opera singer on that island, I'm throwing myself in the sea with a fucking tree tied to my legs. I don't care. I can't. So, Nicola, this seems like you're very much leading the charge against opera singers, but is it something you both share, I guess?

A hundred percent. I respect the craft. I don't respect them. I don't respect the craft. I don't respect the noise. I don't respect them. If you're singing English and you still you still need subtitles that's a problem no one naturally sounds like that no one sounds like that you just know and they then you know the opera singers are

the kind of people also who they they sing when you haven't asked them to and not only are they singing when you haven't asked them to it's fucking annoying like the sound is just grating it's annoying it would annoy all the animals on the island no one likes that sound if you say that you love opera you're lying that's just i can't i'm already getting stressed out just thinking about being trapped on the island absolute nightmare it doesn't seem like something that i don't know how people relax to it because i can see that you know i'm not an opera fan but i can sort of see that it's quite an impressive feat a physical feat is you know it's impressive that any human can make that louder noise in a controlled manner but i mean i don't often think it's controlled you know i think that's the problem is that it's

not controlled i just find it a bizarre thing that that you could problem is that it's not controlled. I just find it a bizarre thing that you could relax to because it's so full on all the time. Yeah, it's never a whisper. Even if it's soft, it's still quite, you know, you can't, yeah, like you say, you can't do it quietly. So it just seems quite an aggressive thing. Yeah, and unnecessary. I think there's a lot of energy that comes with a with an opera singer there's

like a lot of pomp and circumstance i think there's an attitude you never meet a like a demure shy opera singer that would also piss me off i'd be like just the personality that goes along with the noise sorry i would apologize to opera singers but i don't believe it so I'd just be doing it to seem like a nice person but honestly you can all get in the bin their positive side though their big dresses would be good for canapes canapes canapes canapes to eat to eat some of that lining or as I said at the beginning a fishnet yes it would be good they'd probably have a lot of sort of muslin or no what's it called the sort of netting stuff under it oh i just think they'd be insufferable they're insufferable in a normal situation when they're

doing their job i just think any no and did uh as your sort of aversion come from anywhere particular or is it you've both always just hated opera singers i mean you would did your parents play a lot of opera when you're growing up or anything like that i don't think they did really i just think i did a music degree and we had to i had to listen to a lot of it in uni and i just thought it was all bollocks and i resented i mean i don't think they can take my degree away from me now but we'd have to go and watch like performances of shows as part of our degree and you'd have to like staple your ticket into your portfolio to prove that you've gone and i would buy the tickets and then actively

not go to the opera because i couldn't i would rather spend the money and not go than spend the money and go it it was torture i mean it was just no i just think it's very pompous and like just it's there's like a snobbery to it of this like i can do this thing that you can't do on the sort of listening end of it as well it's there's a bit of that because it's like if you don't get it then there's something wrong with you it's not you're not allowed to not like it it's only if you don't like it's because you don't understand it yeah yeah it's very alienating i don't like it because it's shit i understand it i remember having a conversation with a relative once and i think it was when i was a teenager and i was listening to a lot of thrash metal and they're saying oh but how can

you understand anything that they're saying and i was like you listen to opera all the time which mostly isn't even in the same language and even as you said even when it is you still need subtitles so i found it a little bit rich yeah and the different with like with like heavy metal music they're usually like it's usually a massive release of energy they're angry about something or they just want to like go to town on something but with opera they're going to town on why there's no soup in their bowl or who stole the cigarettes from the factory or where's my baby gone actually where's my baby gone it's pretty intense thing to um to have to deal with i went to an opera with my mum once on her birthday and it was uh

what was funny because it has the subtitles or subtitles above the stage and what's funny because it always sounds so like 100 maximum energy and then you read what they're talking about and it's just there's some bits that are nothing about the plot it's just sort of a scene setter so it's like here i am going about my business people selling flowers and there's the market lady with her fresh fruit and it's like all just filler but it's still delivered in this massive way at least in a musical you can just sort of talk about it to set the scene and then get to the number that's what madame butterfly's about where's the flowers where's the flowers here i am here's the flowers i think that's the

thing like that would translate to the person as well because if they're like in opera if they're making a massive big deal about i'm walking along the street i'm walking along the road and look there's a man with a barrow and they're making such a massive deal out of it you know that they will be as extra in their everyday life yeah i think it's it's always going to be an anti-social thing however you feel about it it's like any loud instrument you know to to be on the island with someone singing opera is going to be difficult. They're never going to be able to be far enough away from you to do it quietly.

No, they just make a big deal. Or you risk scaring away all the animals that you could maybe hunt and kill. Yeah. The bonus is, though, if she or he gets lost, if they get lost on the island and you need to find them, they can release their position by singing and need to find them they can release their their position by singing and you'll find them that is the one but what if you don't want to

find them you can't claim that you couldn't find them because it's quite obvious where they are if you need to resort to cannibalism though they're probably quite good you know they're generally sort of larger people aren't they you know for the physics of the thing they usually have massive boobs and bellies so i mean that's something there's some comfort there i'd love to chew down on the fat five and old opera singer well you don't want someone completely lean and tough you know you don't you know if it was like a long distance runner they're not going to be much joy there that's true you want a wobbly soprano and be on diddy grill it up okay so any opera singer goes on the island with you i like the the blanket hatred there it's good to see and uh who would be your Who would be your final person joining you?

Any person whose confidence outweighs their actual ability at a thing. OK. We're blanketing these people as well. Yeah, that's OK. I mean, that could encompass quite a large range of occupations and careers and things and people in general. Are there any ones that really sort of grind your gears particularly uh anyone who's been on any kind of reality show specifically something like love island or one of the shit ones where you're like

actively trying to get favorites yeah uh all youtubers all of them good call and then with that all influencers because they're hideous. Gymstagrammers. Gymstagrammers. Fucking all of them in the sea. I don't know. Magicians. I feel like magicians are really skating by on some very limited skills there, but they like to pretend they're very good.

Just any of those people. Parents who try to get their kids famous they i think they fall into that category of they don't really have that skills but they're very confident in their own children so they kind of push that it's a big um big umbrella term of people yeah i'm basically if i'm going to be stuck on an island i want to be there on my own so i'm trying to make this umbrella as big as possible i don't think with those kind of people they all they chat they chat a lot but don't really give you too much the last thing you want on an island is for someone to be like look we can do this we can do that we can get this done we can get the trees down we can do this and

then you're like can you actually do it they go to do it and they don't they can't do it because they chat shit i wouldn't like that kind of false conversation on an island i need someone to be like it's not happening it's not happening we're gonna die here soon fast when you know that they're wrong as well but they're so confident in their own abilities that you can't there's nothing that you can say is going to make them back down so you spend your whole time just saying yes to a fucking idiot and watching your life disappear before you and i think that um you know especially with sort of influencers and youtubers because they sort of make so much from so little and have done so well out of it if they're successful they would have sort of absolutely no sense of kind of of real life so they would kind of be very bad at reading the

room and sort of you know actually realizing what their true value is so they would kind of be very bad at reading the room and sort of you know actually realizing what their true value is so it's going to be excruciating yeah that was a very nice nice way of putting that oh they're also especially like the really really really high powered ones they're so surrounded by yes people in their lives that no one ever tells them no so you'd either be responsible for them having a full-on breakdown if you stand your ground and then you're the villain when if you ever get off the island because you've caused like fucking mr muscle 2006 to throw himself in a sea or whatever but like i just think that it would it would be absolutely exhausting because they're just used

to talking and talking and talking to talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and i feel like they would just take that into their own like their lives off screen or they'd still be trying to create content on the island that would be the worst yeah oh man i can imagine them sort of going oh of course because you'll know about my thing i did a couple of years ago where and you go no i have no idea what you've done and be like yeah yeah but sure but you remember the thing i did right and you just be in this sort of weird feedback loop where they'd be telling you about this thing that they've done and you don't care and they don't care they can't read the room enough to know that you don't give a shit yeah you'll be like there's a storm coming we have a fishnet to

make stop doing press-ups on a piece of pineapple. Oh, that's the best content that I could think of on the island. Or, like, if it was a Love Island-y kind of reality person, they've just got no substance, so you'd either never get a conversation out of them or the only conversation you get out of them would be so fucking inane that you'd wish they

weren't talking anyway i think yeah and i can imagine a high level of delusion as well sort of keep going and keep going where have you been going off to all this time they're like i've just been going in the diary room like there is no diary room what are you doing you're going mad but you know that's their normal life is so insane that it doesn't it's not that different and like oh yeah you know i went on cast away so uh i know all about desert islands and it's like you don't you've just got a good way of making hair wax out of shells or something that's about all you've got i like to think that when people come off love island they're so confused and bewildered that they just keep on walking into rooms and thinking that they're diary rooms and telling all their opinions to rooms of people.

Yeah. Or just to a wall or a mirror or something like that. Just constantly on the search for a room. Always in bikinis and lying on sofas outside where you're like, it's pouring with rain, we're in Cheshire, like, get inside. And they've got, like, massive sunglasses on. Yeah, it's a very weird world. I don't think it's one that you want to invite into your world.

So I think it'd be a very good choice for the island as well. Just to put you on the spot, out of any group of people that would be included in this list, is there one particular group that you hate the most? I think mine would be influencers yeah the bad kind there's some influencers that do all right stuff are they good kinds i don't i actually don't know many influencers but joe wicks he does good stuff doesn't he i don't know enough about him oh but they're just relentless i think yeah i think you have to be though don't you it's

just like if you it's like shark if you stop swimming for a minute you die it's like if you stop pumping out crap onto the internet like people move on really quickly yeah yeah yeah let's go with let's go with influencers the gym influencers for me all right well they join you on the island now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? For food, we've gone with those,

the eggs that you get on aeroplane food, on aeroplane breakfasts. You know, they're flip-flop eggs. Oh, they're sort of like weird, they call it an omelette, but it's like a weird slab of... Slab of yellow. It's a shoe insole.

Yeah. We recently had to do a flight to and from New Zealand within seven days. So we were travelling a lot. And our flights, where all the interchanges happened, they always seemed to be where you'd join the next flight and it would be breakfast for the next flight. So we had like, I'm going to say,

10 lots of eggs, 10 lots of those aer those airplane eggs between seven days i and i the problem was is that where the flight is so the flights are so long even for like short flights when they're long you you start to attach your um your declining mental health throughout the flight with the eggs because the eggs come the eggs keep coming and your brain is spiraling out of control so you're attaching an egg to madness so every time you eat an egg it just it just just helping you along the spiral um eggs goes firmly into that the desert island discs dicks fair enough yeah it's, I mean, obviously, airplane food,

I'm not the first person to say it's not great. But, you know, a part of it I don't mind too much when, you know, get on in the evening and it's sort of, you're still a bit excited and it's like a little packed lunch and you kind of, oh, there's lots of little things to open. Oh, what's this? Oh, it's disgusting. But, you know, there's that moment where you're sort of tricked into it.

But, yeah, the breakfasts are always just appalling. And they're always smaller than everything else as well. So if you are getting on a flight and it's you know and you're tired and just need some food that's like the worst thing to arrive at isn't it it's the worst junction to hit i think it's unfortunate it's it's a little gift if it comes with a little bit of a sausage or a little bit of like a tomato tomato salsa it's probably maybe one step up from you know you get those whole full english breakfasts yeah yeah you've seen that it's maybe like one notch above that which isn't very high i would put them on the same i'd put them on the same level okay if anything there's some there's something fun about having a full english in a can and at least the

full english in a can you can eat wherever you want you don't have to eat it in a confined space where someone's funked out the toilet and your screen's broken and you can't watch the tv and everyone's breath fucking stinks and then you have to eat fucking shoe of a of an egg at least a breakfast in a tin you could run out into the street if you if you're having such a horrible time you can run away you make a very valid point yeah i hadn't taken in the sort of the the environment at which it's served in it's a fair point i i think as well those eggs like it feels like to make it they just make one giant sort of football pitch size sheet of it and then they come along and chop it into you know they just mix a million eggs up just lay it out on a big hot plate somewhere

and it's just, yeah, there's a big sheet of egg. Yeah. Which just feels funny anyway. My theory is that it's not even an egg. I think it's a small, they've gone into someone's brain, they've found a small nightmare, they've taken it out, they've put some powder in it and some milk and thrown it into British Airways direction.

It feels very sort of wartime, doesn't it? You know, powdered eggs and that sort of thing. Yeah. I think they're just the offcuts of like the fucking off-brand Adidas factory. And that's how they just smush them all together in a machine and put in, I'm going to say, some kind of pig tear and just like roll it all out like a mary berry and that's how it's rolly egg yeah or pressed they just get like a really sad person to sit on it

the saddest person in the flat the mayor of the saddest town to just do like a sausage roll can you take your sad fat ass and put it on top of this ugly egg? We're going to serve this at someone at hour 27 of their flight. And it's the way it's always billed as an omelette as well. It's not just called egg. If it just said eggs, sausage, tomato, mushrooms, you'd go, OK. But don't call it something. I mean, it has so

little to do with where it came from originally you know it's basically another type of food like that's it's you know like in sort of fast food chains when they have to start they can't call them milkshakes because they don't actually have any milk in it's like that's maybe that's why they call it omelette because it's got no eggs but you kind of know what you're expecting if they say omelette yeah just call it breakfast if you're just call it something to put in your mouth the idea of them even having breakfast is kind of stupid when you're crossing that many time zones and you've no idea what day or time it is just like just get a proper meal it doesn't matter no one knows oh i can't eat eat a lasagna at this time it's breakfast you know what does it matter like you're in a hole in space and time

that is so true anymore that's so true and and it's only ever eggs they only assume that everyone in the everyone in the morning for their breakfast eats eggs like i'm pretty sure not every culture egg is the main breakfast yeah i think that as well if we're sort of not caring about what time it is let's just have a cocktail. I mean, let's be civilised about this. Can't we have Bloody Marys or something instead? I mean, surely that would go down better. I'd rather have a crap Bloody Mary than a crap egg thing.

Strange egg mattress. I'd rather not be on the plane. That's the long and the short of it. I'm never going to look at them the same way again. And I didn't look at them in a favourable light to start with. So, I mean, you know, you're being very persuasive. It's seeing them walk down the aisle when the waiters come down the aisle holding a steaming egg. Sorry, that's too much egg stuff. Let's go. Let's go next.

I was just thinking that maybe that's what they throw out of the plane. You know when you see the pictures and the thing of like if they land on water big yellow slides they stitch them all together really fast yeah pamela is in the toilet stitching together eggs ready for people to slide down blanket and we need the egg blanket just the mic the microwave is just dinging with all these eggs just hot eggs i'd rather jump out with no i don't want to have contact with the eggs i'd rather die okay and what are you going to be washing this down with what's your drink choice a caesar a caesar yeah so it's a it's like it's like a bloody Mary, but they make it with clamato juice instead of tomato juice.

Ah, I've heard of this. Yeah, so it's very popular in Canada, isn't it? Clamato. Don't they mix beers with it as well? They have like a beer and clamato and it's called something else. Probably. Dirty bastards. Clambeer.

Clambeer. I think it's called clambeer. It's called clambeer. Clambeer. Beer clam. bastards. Clumbier. I think it's called Clambier. It's called Clambier. Clambier. How did anyone get past the name and then continue to drink it after that?

I mean surely the name's enough to put your... But a Caesar... So a Bloody Mary... So it's basically like a Bloody Mary but tastes of shellfish.

Yeah. It's essentially that. Yeah. Someone's... A Canadian colleague was like oh you've got to try this stuff it's great and he

said he bought some. We found one shop that sold this sort of stuff. And he was really excited and made one for us. And it's just like what I mean, generally, the Canadians seem like they have a pretty good handle on things. But I mean, yeah, the Canadians used to drink. They were always on a always on a brunch menu. Canadians, they're quite big for their brunch and was always on a always on a menu. And people always say, why don't you try Caesar?

Why don't you try Caesar? We used to live out there. And in the last amount of time that we were there, we tried one. And it was filthy fish tub bath water. They also put, they like put, what's the stuff that they put around the top of the glass? Like extra salt? Yeah. Just in case there wasn't enough fucking fish in your drink.

And it's got pickle juice in the bottom. So it's vodka, pickle juice, an actual green bean, then Clamato juice. A green bean? Yeah, chuck a green bean in. Why not? We had one that had a pepperami stuck in it. You see ones with like full-on burgers and bacon and just all this crazy... It's basically soup

but disgusting like worse and cold and you drink it in the morning yeah it's hideous man the sea is already one of the most scariest repulsive parts of this earth the the stuff that's under the sea is it's terrifying absolutely terrifying and then someone saying, good morning, with your lovely breakfast, would you like to drink some of that? Yeah. Would you like to drink a whale's pissy shower juice? I think it's a clam's pissy shower juice, but yes. Oh yeah, it's not a whale's.

That would be... Whale-ato. Whale-ato. Whale-ato. I just find it so bizarre it's such a local specific thing to canada i mean if it was like maybe somewhere like japan where there's a lot of seafood i'd kind of understand it more but canada it just seems like a strange bedfellow i've seen this clamato juice

in my local sainsbury's and i can't believe you know sometimes there's just a corner of your sainsbury's you're like why yeah who's sometimes there's just a corner of your Sainsbury's you're like why who's buying this because I've seen it on separate it wasn't like it just came in once and then that was it and it was gone like someone once asked about it and thought oh we better get some but it's always there there's like one little row of Clamato juice so people must be buying it I wonder I mean at a rate of like maybe one a week i'd say so who the fuck is it who knows you know i wonder if when the quarantine happened and all the supermarkets went bare i wonder what that line of clamata juice looked like if it was still there or people panic

panic bought it thinking i just gotta have something well there's nothing else left yeah surely this is just tomato juice i mean they can't really have clams and i mean that'd be ridiculous i'll just buy it anyway yeah i'll give it to my husband and see what he thinks. Maybe it's just only bought by people who went, oh, mate, you've got to try this thing. I lived in Canada for a while and this will blow your mind. It's so weird. Try this.

And then, you know, so every bottle has like a sip gone and then it's just thrown out. Yeah, I agree. People like that or perverts. I think they're the only groups of people that eat. Actually, I reckon probably older people. There's probably a craze of Clamata juice. When prawn cocktail, didn't that have a big rise in...

I swear in the 80s, everyone just ate fishy stuff. Prawn cocktails, shrimp cocktails. Maybe it came out and it was the cool thing to drink with your blancmange pudding. Yeah, I think maybe it was just sort of anything from the sea was harder to get, so it had a more luxurious edge to it. It doesn't say. You know, now we've got loads of nicer things,

so we're not that fussed anymore. Yeah. It also really dehydrate you on the island, that kind of salty. Oh, yeah. Also, if you really like climates, you could just drink. Stick your head in the sea. Don't take, take something else something else yeah put your head in the sea and and try and not come back out yeah it does feel like we've got enough ideas as humans to not have clemato juice you know we don't surely we we've got enough ideas left without it we don't we don't need this to happen

even just go for tomato juice if you're really that desperate clamato juice just feels like the boring person's idea of spicing things up a bit like they had tomato juice and they're like oh i'm fit it's a saturday night let's get things frisky clamato juice like no mavis fucking hell ma, your breath stinks. It's a very good choice. And the drink is called a Caesar. A Caesar. A Caesar. Wow.

I haven't heard of them before. And frankly, I'm glad I haven't. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work work but just your luck it

only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why the film we've gone for a genre is that all right yeah we didn't pick one specific but you can probably choose your specific one um we've gone for anyone any of them jane austen old period fucking bonnet films any any of that shit yeah bonnet film seems like a good term for them yeah any fucking bonnet drama we've gone for that imagine that on loop if i had to watch people bowing their fucking heads at each other and looking behind bushes and getting the and getting the horn from someone touching their nose at the wrong time. I can't. No, absolutely not. Also, I think their costumes would make me

feel very hot. Just watching it would make me feel very sweaty and embarrassed that I'm the same species. They are one of those, it's that genre of film where you kind of think they're always so faithful to the text that so you're not doing anything radical with it it's not like this of Baz Luhrmann version of Romeo and Juliet where it's a completely new take on it it's like it looks exactly the same but with different people why did this I mean presumably cost quite a lot so why are we getting this again yeah it's just in 4k this time yeah and they also like they'll describe it as like a funny new reinvention of it's like no your jokes are still shit she's this one's just wearing a wacky or wig or something it's just the most diluted version of

every it's it's not that romantic it's not that funny when it's sad it's not that sad when they're angry they're not that angry it's like the fucking bath mat of the film industry yeah they're just wet vanilla shower curtains of people doing very boring things for the except for like a couple probably a couple the they usually choose not that good looking guys as the the male is it ingenue is that what they're called i don't know like the male like the male interest they're never that they're they're all a bit too pasty because they have to be because of the time powdered powdered curly hair i don't no one no one that's not going to give anyone in the horn in this day and age yeah and it's weird because people get very sort of oh i'd love to live in that jane austen sort of time and it looks so elegant and nice but probably i mean you know

the clothes are nice if very uncomfortable and restrictive but also everyone would have stank because hygiene would have still been really bad so it wouldn't be like it wouldn't be that elegant because you'd all have black teeth and smell really bad and it seems like one of the most boring times ever to live if you're that sort of because they're very privileged and very lucky but basically all the options available to you as a woman were a bit of embroidery piano sitting quite far away from each other in a big room in an uncomfortable chair and then marriage and that's and then obviously kids that's your sort of how i want my quarantine to go to be fair i mean the men can kind of go off and kill things if they want or ride about quickly and get

flustered and they'll probably get sent off to kill each other for a while but it just looks like this incredibly depressing still boring time i think yeah i totally agree you're right about everyone stinking and having black teeth and also having gout yeah the fun i'd rather jane austen if it was happening in like the sewage parts of the town yeah the weird like throwing piss buckets out the window that kind of i don't know if she's written any of that kind of stuff, if any Jane Austen fans listening. I don't apologise. I'd rather the sort of gritty prostitutes. Does she talk anything about prostitutes? I like stuff about prostitutes.

Like, I was not, like, old school ones, you know, like, fun, you know. Jesus. With a twinkle in their eye. The actual human beings living human lives not sitting in their fucking potty chairs whilst their nurse empties it and they're playing the fucking loot or whatever bullshit they're getting up to i think people that find them interesting are boring people with all due respect to absolutely no one i just can't literally nothing happens in those films i'd cut my own head off and throw it in the sea if that was the only film left okay the most exciting thing that ever happens in any of these

films is that they get to go to a dance where someone might be there and give them some incredibly faint look which will symbolize a lot more than you expect. Did you see him raise his eyebrow from over 40 feet away? Well, he must be keen to marry you. But these dancers, they don't even get to dance. One person plays a piano and then they walk in a line, go up to someone, nod, turn around, walk back, briefly hold someone's hand, step back, nod.

This is your release i mean no wonder you buttoned up so tight yeah and if one of them like does a hop or a skip or a jump they're like whisked away immediately for being an absolute slag like to prison and they're made like no milk for you it's uh it's just the dullest it's a lot of prick teasing and not fun prick teasing but i feel like everything is a tease like everything's almost fun but you know you've got a piano but you can't play anything interesting on it you know you've got a you've got a dance coming up but you can't dance at it properly you're just walking around a room you're wearing a dress but your tits are never gonna fall off it like it not, there's nothing exciting in any of it.

You look very elegant, but also incredibly uncomfortable. I mean, it's like almost there in so many ways. And when they've like had a bit of a hot night or they're feeling a bit stressed, one curl has fallen out of their head where you're like, I've been on a night out. That's not what happens when you've had a bit of a fun night. You don't lose one curl. Half your head is like been put in a bin and you're covered in kebab sauce, like,

and half your dress is missing. The classic kebab. That's not... Kebab of Jane Austen. Classic kebab head. Jane Austen era. You never see them eating. If they do, they've got a tiny fork.

Tiny fork. Use a real fork. A bit of shortbread, I'd imagine. Something that the maid has made in the scullery. But I imagine they're so sort of wafer thin and brittle that, you know, were they to have a heavy lunch, you know, their wrists would just snap. Yeah. You know, just from the weight of the food on their fork. Yeah.

They just seem so sort of like they're made of glass or something. Yeah. I'd smash them all on the floor. Good choice. Right in the bottle bag i can't nice and uh what would your song choice be happy birthday okay happy birthday have you had that one before no no no i'm sorry for a minute i thought you said have you heard that one before well yeah i mean listen i'm being funny it's me scott mills i've got a new song new indie band i'm surprised no one said that before i'm not sure if they have but but i'm i'm

excited to hear your your workings out on it well it's a really difficult song to sing what first is it it's a hard song to sing because it's got an octave jump. This is me sounding like a prick. But it's hard to sing because there's like this big interval in the middle that no one can ever reach. Everyone starts it in their own key. There's no unified key for happy birthday. The saddest song to hear on any birthday is happy birthday. It's terrible.

And so to hear that over and over again would be a nightmare i think on a desert island as well where you're you sort of don't know one day to the next and you hear happy birthday you will be wondering all the time is it my birthday or is it not which i think would drive you absolutely insane and it would make your actual birthday whenever that if you ever work out when that is it would make it very unspecial because you've heard it every single day i think there is something a bit unsettling about it like still if you know i'm not a particularly nervous person but you know if it's my birthday and everyone starts singing happy birthday just i do get a bit of like you know i can feel myself going a bit red and it's i think it's

the song more than the sort of all the eyes on me it's just something makes me a bit uncomfortable i think it's the it has such an unsure beginning because no one has the confidence to go one two three uh and like so everyone just one by one creeps in like little frogs, like, Happy birthday to you. It's just, it's torturous. And it feels very ominous with people singing in like a kind of droning tone. Any song at all, but especially a song that's supposed to be happy and does sound like you're being walked to the gallows. I like to think that on the island whatever song

you pick eventually you'd end up sticking it on just because you've got nothing else to do and trying to find some good in it that you could sort of dance around a bit but if you've just got happy birthday i mean that's like you know a montage of you both just going insane on an island with these horrible people and things just singing happy or listening to a tape of happy birthday someone from love island singing me happy birthday every two minutes just imagine you're this you're the same you're the ship who's arrived onto the island to save the two people on that island and they're swinging around a coconut pole singing happy birthday in the wrong key oh i also like the idea that i mean in the setup we say that it's the planes entertainment system continues to work so the idea that there was just a channel in the

planes entertainment system playing happy birthday just in case it's your birthday while you're on the flight and you want to tune in just for a moment of peace to remind you of the day you were first born yeah just to distract yourself from the egg actually any flight that's given you that fucking airplane egg as a joke has definitely given you happy birthday when they've served you your dinner and you're like you know what i'm gonna just relax for a little bit and listen to some music to take my mind and tongue out of the taste of this fucking gym shoe that i've eaten and then you turn on the radio and it's happy birthday sang in eight different keys by i don't just hideous hideous voices yeah it does just give your island just that extra veneer of sadness yeah isn't there an

island called birthday island it's christmas island oh there's christmas there might be birthday island as well it might be an amazing place might be lovely where's christmas island oh there might be birthday island as well it might be an amazing place might be lovely where's christmas i imagine willy wonka is probably all over oh yeah that to be honest if i wasn't on this island i would find it very amusing to watch willy wonka dancing around i think you called it a coconut pole which i'm going to assume is a tree to the sounds of happy birthday. That feels very on brand for Willy Wonka. Stop the presses. There is a birthday island.

There is a birthday island. It's in the island group of Montebello Islands. People also search for... Oh, it doesn't mean... There's also an island called Buttercup Island. Cute. I wonder if they're as nice as you think. I wonder if something really special happens on your birthday on Birthday Island

or maybe it's somewhere where they haven't even discovered birthdays. They're not even into it. Could be the opposite. I don't know why they call it that. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah. I don't even know what one is until some settlers came here. Now, yeah.

They have one picture taken next to the sign. It's just got a jaunty little party hat on there and they don't really know why they've just let the settlers leave it there it's like a nice gesture yeah like their natural formal costumes like party hats but that's where they that's where they originated from but to them it's just normal the national instrument is one of those tooty blower things the royal family comes into a fanfare of party blowers on the island well that's the rest of my afternoon spent researching birthday island now or at least

writing up my own treaty for one it's just off it's just off western australia okay on the part of the montebello islands montebello islands northwest of australia and Montebello Islands, Northwest of Australia. And Montebello is Italian for beautiful mountains, so they must be lovely islands. Although now I've sort of conjured up such a idea in my head of what it is, I'm only going to be disappointed, aren't I? Just to find out it's just a beautiful tropical island

where it's fairly normal. Stick to your own imagination. Is what Willy Wonka would say. Exactly. That's the first draft of his song, I think. Stick to your own imagination. Is what Willy Wonka would say. Exactly. That's the first draft of his song, I think. Stick to your own imagination. It's not ringing. It's not clicking here.

It's not a hook. Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's a tiger or anything from the large cat family okay interesting this is where um it was difficult to come to a an agreement on choosing one together because my uh mine would be any member of the small cat family i think small normal you know your everyday cat right is one of the most infuriating animals I've ever met but we could just

cats could be the umbrella for this one So just anything with the feline in the Latin name Yeah If that's okay Yeah it's fine we'll just give you the whole is it the genus is that what it's called the whole species So Rosie you dislike the small cats

and does that mean Nicola that you hate the big cats or you just you hate all of them i don't so i don't hate them my problem is that i wouldn't want to be on an island with them because i feel like at any point they could turn and they owe like no loyalty to you and if they do turn then you're absolutely fucked like there's no there's no hiding they'll find you which makes which is why i wouldn't want to be stuck on an island with them because i think if they've decided that they're going to attack you they're going to attack you i think the problem as well like they look so nice i think too i mean i'd like all the cats and all the sizes but you know like with a shark or something that looks like a bastard you don't mind so much because

you don't you know you're not going to want to get in and cuddle it whereas a tiger you think if we could just bond this would be the greatest friendship you know you'd be soft and cuddly and nice and i could probably just about ride you you know but it's that thing of like knowing something really nice looking is really dangerous and you can't touch it and it's that thing of like knowing something really nice looking is really dangerous and you can't touch it. And it's frustrating. Yeah. I think cause we've like, we'll watch the tiger that came to tea and we all assume that we're going to be friends with like these animals or whatever. But we've also,

I think most of us in quarantine have watched the tiger King and we know how these things play out. And I just wouldn't, I don't think I have a, an even enough personality that any animal would trust me in general cats and cats really play off instinct don't they so they can like tell if you're scared or if you're this or if you're there and on a desert island you're going to be all over the shop yeah they're going to have to be reading a lot of different things and responding to you in

many different ways yeah and i think they're also they're very um i mean they're big animals but they're also quite stealthy so you wouldn't know where they were or even the small cats like they're good at hiding and and prowling around quietly so you would just get a real shock they do also they need a lot of feeding as well so that would take away a lot of the island's resources from you yeah all the fish and stuff we're gonna get really serious about this yeah all your eggs gone they love eggs famously they'll take the egg and the and the duck it will be duck eggs on the island i assume or pigeons and i think it wouldn't be um not it's not gonna be a good way to die is it like i mean a shark i reckon or just probably deal with you fairly quickly something venomous i don't know depends probably could string it out a little while but i mean i think being just a slow and they're not going to wait until you're dead

to start eating really are they they're just going to go for it no no i don't think they'll graciously kill you either they'll sort of like grab you by the leg and fling you around the air they'll be very upsetting very upsetting they'll give you a good they'll give you like grab you by the leg and fling you around the air. They'll play with you. In a very upsetting, very upsetting, they'll give you a good, they'll give you a good go before they swallow you. Like a shark usually just goes straight in, get it in the mouth. But a lion will fling you around. He'll bash you against trees. Yeah.

They like the chase and stuff as well. So I feel like they'd give you a good run around. It would be like a fucking Benny Hill film before you like get eaten. They'd chase you around a bit. and then you'd be all over the place because you wouldn't know whether to just like give up and lie on the floor or whether you should keep running for the lols or like climb up trees I think it would just be like it just wouldn't be very dignified death ultimately you'd be running around like a fucking loon before you're eaten by a tiger or a lion or whatever

even worse even more humiliating if it's a domestic cat as well oh yeah how humiliating to be killed by a domestic cat who's chased you on the island first you're scared

I assume at this point you wouldn't have that many clothes on unless you're the opera singer and you've decided to dress on like a loser you would be being chased with very little clothes on by a small cat a small ginger cat because that's the thing even if they were your friends

it doesn't take much for them to switch and then I mean I think my cat if he could get away with it, there'd be times he would kill me, just not out of particular malice, just because I'd pissed him off. And, like, you know, he has got such a sort of, like, ruler complex that he would just go, ah, bored of you, bam. And that's the only way, that's the only reason our cats are so small,

because any bigger is dangerous, like, which is a weird reason to have a pet. I mean, you know, because I was thinking, why wouldn't it be fun if you could just get medium-sized cats, you know, just as house cats? I realised it was just so dangerous, that's why they have to be so small. Yeah, like Shetland pony.

I just looked at him in a different light. I was like, you would fuck me up if you got the chance. Yeah. Weirdly, I feel like the only animal that that's not true of is like a snail. Because when they get bigger, they do get funny. And they're still equally not dangerous. They're just more disgusting. They can't chase you either.

Or if they can, then that's a reflection on you, not on the snail. Do you think the big snail would be quicker because it's bigger or slower because it's bigger oh interesting because it would be it would have a lot more to it'd have a lot more on its back the backpack is bigger yeah but then it's got a bigger bigger foot hasn't it so yes it could do you know what i actually don't think oh no well there's just hmm that's one of the most interesting things i've heard in the last seven weeks well i was going off on a tangent so it doesn't matter if we finish it but it's given someone it's given people something to think about for lockdown so you know if nothing else

well you're welcome muscles would be bigger sorry i'm still this is muscles will be bigger so it would be able to it'd probably have a little bit more momentum in that old slug body. Okay, but they're not joining you on the island anyway. I'm just going off on a tangent. But cats of all kinds are. Imagine being chased around an island by a massive snail. I still think it would be embarrassing to be chased around an island by a small cat. Because you could outrun it.

So the fact that you're being chased by it and it's keeping up is like quite embarrassing just running you running rings around the coconut pole as willie wonka sings happy birthday into the floor i assume oh man you've really conjured up a shocking environment for yourself so bravo bravo on that um so nicola and rosie thank you very much for taking part today um obviously lockdown skewed everything a little bit and especially for gigging comedians like yourself so where can we find out or see or hear more from you um we have we've got a whole hour special on amazon which you can watch if you've got the if you've got prime we'll just borrow someone's password and there's a whole hour of our stuff on there we've got stuff we're at

flow and jane we got stuff on on all the uh on all the ones on all the social outlets as everyone as everyone does and did you have a uh i believe you have a postponed tour that's happening at some point as well oh yes we do i'm just assuming that's not ever happening it will happen but that's it's kicking off probably mostly august onwards but who knows but keep an eye on the website yeah cool lovely well i'm off to research birthday island and uh the speed of different size snails but um But thank you very much for joining us today on Desert Island Dicks. It's been a pleasure.

Thank you. Thanks so much for having us. Yeah, thank you.