Desert Island Dicks - GHOST HUNS

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

The podcast crossover the world, nay the universe, nay! The Afterlife, has been waiting for! Suzie and Hannah from Ghost Huns join Dan to share who and what they'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh, hello there. You've just caught me doing an introduction for this podcast, which is Desert Island Dicks featuring the ladies from the Ghost Huns podcast. That's Hannah and Susie and they were excellent company, so I do hope you'll enjoy this. If you've not listened to their podcast, it's all about ghosts, but if you're scared of ghosts and spooky things, then don't worry because there aren't any in this podcast. We're just mean about people who are dicks. But it's okay, because they're dicks, so they kind of deserve it. Hey, let me tell you about something we're doing. We are doing a live version of this podcast with the very brilliantly wonderful Jenny Eclair. It's going to be on Thursday, the 2nd of November. And it's going to be in Ballam at the Bedford Pub in South West London.

Wow, this is going smoothly, isn't it? Wow, almost doing a word a second here, Dan. Good work. Anyway, look, it's going to be really good. It's part of the Cheerful Earful podcast festival. You can find information at cheerfulearful.co.uk. Tickets are under £10. What costs less than £10 these days?

Well, lots of things. Obviously, we're not going to go into them all here, but there's a lot of things that cost more than £10, and I think that's really important to remember in these austere times. Clearly, talking is a struggle for me this afternoon, so I'm going to stop talking now, and instead

let's go straight to the podcast. It's Ghost Hunts on Desert Island Dicks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guests and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today from the Ghost Huns podcast, Hannah Bichkowski and Susie Preece. How are you doing? Hi. Hello.ie Preece. How are you doing? Hi.

Hello. Good, thank you. How are you? I'm good, I'm good. We've had a load of technical problems getting started, so I feel we've already bonded a little bit before we've started through the medium of things going wrong and just not having a clue of how to fix it. Yeah. Listen, when you go through tech failures together, you stay together.

But also, this is a theme with us because because of the ghost podcast um we always have tech problems because i think we're haunted yeah ghost in the machine yeah ghost in the machine it's just something we have to live with now fair enough well as long as you take your your uh spirits away with you when you leave we can't promise that you Dan. You know what? I've actually got some sage right here. Yeah, sage it up. I could just burn all that, couldn't I?

We should have done a ritual or something, all three of us, just like expunge the ghosts. Okay, well, look, we're here today to see who and what you would least like to be stuck with on a desert island. You know, how is this process going to be for you guys do you find it easy to have a little rant about things and people you hate or is it is it difficult finding your uh choices i find it really easy yeah i found this i found it really hard i think i've overthought it it's been playing in my mind for fucking ages I've been like

because a part of me thinks like you know you like really hate someone and then you go but is that not a reflection on me I'm the problem so I've been I've been doing loads of like but why do you hate this person maybe maybe you're the dick and then you know like I say that to myself and then I'm like oh no. So I've sort of spiraled, I've come up again, I've spiraled back down, but I think I've got there. I think you need to chill out, Susie. I think you need to have a cigarette. A lovely big spliff. I was chatting to a therapist recently and I was going on about someone who's really annoying me

and they were sort of like, it sounds like a lot of this stuff is coming from your own blah, blah, blah. And I was like, are you sure it's not them being a dick? Because I really feel like other people have said they're a dick too. I definitely agree that they're a dick. Can it not just be that they're a dick? Do you know what? My desert island dick is going to be your therapist because she's spaced out like. Do you know what is so good is when you're like, okay, that's a reflection on me. I just need to be your therapist because she's spaced out like do you know what is so good is

when you're like okay that's a reflection on me I just need to be more positive and then you speak to someone and they're like oh my god I hate her too and then you're like yes I do like it when someone backs up your worldview yeah I hate it when it's it's my fault you know and it's like oh god I've only got myself to blame for this big mess not i'm not even talking about mentally just like just dumb shit that i've done in life yeah like things yeah yeah i broke my wife's teapot last night so it's my fault there's no one else in the kitchen i definitely did this no dan that is the teapot yeah exactly it's never you that's my teapot was asking for it what What was it wearing?

Okay. Well, I think we're all in a nice space to proceed now. Let's get stuck in. Who's going to be the first dick joining you on the island? Do you know what? I've spoken about this on our podcast before. It is going to be the woman that snubbed me at a wedding. She is my archenemy. I absolutely hate her. I hate everything about her. She's the worst kind of person I've hate her. I hate everything about her. She's the worst kind of person I've ever met. It isn't going to be that relative to everybody else who's listening because I am the only person here that knows her. But she is the...

Everybody knows a person like her. And she is my arch nemesis. I think about her all the time. That's probably more my problem than anyone else's, to be fair. But I do about her all the time that's probably more my problem than anyone else's to be fair she's the worst person I've ever met

and I can corroborate this you've told me about her before and I'm like she's the worst I'm actually going to arrange for you to meet her Susie great thanks so that you can hate on her the next Ghost Huns live show you know bring her out yeah or we're gonna make like um we can get a voodoo doll made of her and then everyone gets

to stab her with a pin yeah i mean i'm not gonna advocate that on my podcast but like you do you no come on damn get a Get a pin. Join in. No, I don't. No, I don't. She's the worst. The thing is about her, and this is what annoys me, is that everybody I know doesn't like her, but they will just accept her.

Right, okay. And she's, you know, she's mean. She's opinionated to the point of, like, it's stupid opinions. Like, this is the main reason why I hate her, right? We were at a wedding. And do you know at weddings how sometimes people say, you know, oh, they have like a little station set up where you can write down the songs that you request. You know, so you can write down what you want to dance to at the wedding

and then the DJ will play it later on. She was looking at everyone's requests. And there was, you know you know dancing queen an absolute wedding classic there was share it was great and then she was like who dances to share and i thought that was one of the worst things i'd ever heard yeah i mean yeah quite a lot of people it's an enormous hit isn't it i, we're talking about the Do You Believe In... that one. We're talking about all of them.

And Dancing Queen. Like, there's got dance in the title. Yeah, yeah. Oh, she's a twat. She is a twat, yeah. And she was just like, oh, everyone's got such a bad taste in music. And I was like, it's a wedding.

We're pissed. Yeah, yeah. It's not time to put on, like, a niche Arctic Monkeys B-side, is it? Exactly. Exactly. You know, you're not supposed to be impressing people with your with your uh good taste in music at that point it's like do you know the words are you pissed let's get on the dance floor exactly get on mr bright side and have a fucking good time exactly yeah and she's just got a hot she's just got an horrible resting bitch face

and she says mean things she said to me that um because i went on a tv show and uh she said to me well my mom watched you on the tv show and she absolutely hated you and i thought a 35 year old woman that was jesus i'm fine with it i'm kind of fine with people hating me, but like, what kind of reaction do you want from that? So I punched her in the head. We, um, if you listen to our podcast, we condone violence.

Just push her in the head. Push her down some stairs. It turns out that way. Yeah. No, we don't. We don't. No,

don't go pushing people down stairs. This stems from jealousy. Always. What? Like people act up like that because they're jealous oh sorry i thought you meant i was jealous and i was gonna punch you in the head you can't reach me i was gonna drive down to london punch you in the head i mean yeah you're right though what sort of reaction do you expect for someone going, oh, my mum hated you on this? You're like, well, just don't say anything.

I know. Just shut up. I know that I'm fine with people hating me. I've got no issue with that. But just keep it to yourself if we're at a wedding. She sounds like she has that vibe of, you know, when people go, hey, you know, I don't care what people think. I just say what I think. I do me

and if you've got a problem with that that's your problem and I like that's such a red flag for me that kind of behavior when you're like I'm just going to go through life saying whatever the fuck I want and if you get offended exactly that's your fault yeah when they go I'm just honest yeah I'm just really honest and that's my you know motto and you're like oh fuck oh yeah so I haven't been able to stop thinking about her for months I have a brain that can really feast on things like that for a long time as well so I can absolutely empathize it's just it's so annoying and the annoying thing as well is like obviously having to think of that irritating person but obviously also the knowledge they're probably not thinking about you as much you know i know it's really frustrating i just lie there in bed

squeezing a stress ball and i'm like one day and she at the wedding she also went she went around like stirring the pot over this one thing and it was just a it was just a really random thing it had nothing to do with me but she was was going around, like, talking to people. And there ended up being a little row that happened at the wedding. And she was just sat at the side, like, smirking because she'd started it all. How terrifying is that? She's evil. She's a villain.

And you said that your other friends kind of tolerate her as well. And, you know, like, I'm in my 40s now. So I'm just, like, so past the point of, like, accepting kind of stuff. You know, when you're like yeah but they've been like this for 15 years that we've known them and like they've grown up and like maybe I'm just happy for them

not to be my friend anymore and it's like oh no but they're alright no they're not fuck them I 100% advise breaking up with friends break up with them. Get them, like you break up in a relationship when it's toxic and when it's bad.

Why not friendships? That's the worst type as well because you can have loads of friends. You can have more than one of them. So there's always an opportunity that someone's going to be a massive dick and they're going to turn you into a massive dick or they're going to ruin you in some way.

So breaking up with friends is more important than breaking up with relationships, in my opinion. I think as well, like when you get older, you know, if you're fortunate to have a wide friendship group, there's always people you wish you saw more of. So then when you're having to go to a birthday party or an event or something, when you're like, I'm a bit skint, I can't really afford this,

I don't like this person. It's like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? You know, I'll just go out for dinner with someone I like. Oh, I know, bit skint. I can't really afford this. I don't like this person. It's like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? You know, I'll just go out for dinner with someone I like. Oh, I know. It's ridiculous. Why should we be doing things that we don't want to do when we're this age? We're adults.

We can literally do whatever we want. My boyfriend is so nice. He's too nice. I'm the horrible one and he's the nice one. And he's got a million friends and it's just the worst. Because he always sees the best in people it's like no maybe that's why we're in a relationship but he's he's got far too many friends he's friends with knobs as well which i can't condone and it's just i'm like do you know what you if he if he invites me to anything i'm like no you go i don't see why I should have to spend my night talking to your twat friend.

Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. I think we've started really strong. Everyone knows a person like this. And just the idea of being stranded on a desert island with that kind of energy is just, wow. Horrendous. Okay, well, look, let's find out who's going to be joining them. Who's the next dick on the island with you?

Well, I've gone with army hammer because he's fit but he'd eat me now listen these are allegations but basically it's been proved he wants to eat women allegedly allegedly so i think he would be the most terrifying person on a desert island, right? And especially because he's fit. Because obviously there would be a frisson. He's going to,

we're going to probably have a fling. And then I'd get up the duff and I'm on an island and I don't want to bring up a child on an island. And he'd want to eat me. Imagine waking up around a campfire. Well, you wouldn't have to because I'm sure he'd eat the baby first.

Oh, maybe. Yeah, he might eat the baby. That's true. You start off with the smaller thing as your starter, don't you? Yeah, but that's playing the long ball game. I mean, it's going to take a while, you know, to get to that point. That's true, actually. Yeah, that's the problem.

But he couldn't eat you whilst you're pregnant because it'd be like eating one of those you know one of those tomatoes that grows into another tomato like one of those things you see on a meme it's like a little tomato growing on a big tomato but he might just be like one of those sort of spiders that mates and then eats the males or eats the other partners straight away that's the problem and you you couldn't fall asleep properly like i really enjoy my sleep and i don't think i could be on the island knowing that straight away. That's the problem. And you couldn't fall asleep properly. Like I really enjoy my sleep. And I don't think I could be on the island knowing that he'd be eyeing me up over the bonfire waiting to roast me on it. Now, I've got to be honest, I've just gone straight into

this like I know exactly what's going on. But I'm very ill informed about current affairs and the world these days. Let's just get a bit more background for other people who don't quite know about Armie Hammer cannibalism rumours. Okay, so Armie Hammer of, like, Call Me By Your Name fame with Tamisha Chalamet. Basically, loads of women have come forward with all these, like, messages, these DMs. He slid into loads of women's DMs being like,

I'd like to cut your toes off and eat them. And, like, I'd love to eat your rib off and eat them and like i'd love to eat your rib and like look i get it it's maybe a bit of a kink i'm not kink shaming if that's what you want to do if you want to eat if you want to eat toes go for it i'm shaming if you're eating people yeah no to be fair and like it might just be a turn of phrase but um he did go walk about in um california and no one knew where he was and then me and my friend tom were like i bet he's eaten some women because a woman went missing in the desert in like nevada or something um he was around there at that time did he eat her

i think the answer is yes oh my god there's gonna be a new documentary on this you know that like that don't fuck with cats you and your mate will be on the will be on the documentary like yeah we watched it and now we've gone on doing our own investigations and like his wife is split up from him and his wife was like obviously like this is too much and and also he's he's a very like um like proper like powerhouse family he's like very privileged and they're all a very like proper like powerhouse family he's like very privileged and they're all a bit nuts and I think there's a whole documentary about him

but I'm so obsessed with him because I'm like what's going on there and he's like ridiculously handsome but in a psycho way you can't believe that he'd want to chomp on you yeah I think it'd be very much like basic instinct oh he's sleeping with Sharon Stone.

Oh, nothing happened. Okay, so what about next time? Like, is it, you know, just be like that whole tension the whole time. It's like, well, he hasn't mentioned eating me so far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never seen basic instinct. Okay, but you know the sort of basic premise, like, you know, you see it in lots

of films of like oh this person's a serial killer oh you're getting too close don't sleep with them oh wait actually they didn't kill you but now you're sleeping together again are they going to kill you at some point what you know there's this whole sort of vague thing you know um yeah the tension's too much it must be hard sort of having that as a kink because like you know there can never be like an end point to it you're never going to be fulfilled like unless you find someone who's like look we've gone through the lawyers we've got a contract it's fine for you to eat me but there's a lot of paperwork you'd have to just eat like you'd have to just eat like the little bits yeah but you'd need someone on hand to stop the bleeding go look i've signed a waiver saying you can eat my little finger so yeah but i need to get someone on hand to stop the bleeding. Look, I've signed a waiver saying you can eat my little finger.

So, yeah, but I need to get someone on hand to stitch it up afterwards. And I kind of want to eat it in front of you because that's a weirder thing to do. And that's going to take away. This whole thing is surely going to take away the sexy moment, isn't it? Yeah. Like, where's the spontaneity? So, yeah, it must be tricky. All we have to do is roll you around in a little coriander and roast you on a

barbecue. And that's going to happen on a desert island. We are on this island. We're doing this podcast together, aren't we? So your mate or your not mate, we can feed her to Ami. Yeah.

Oh, what a great idea. So we can be like, she could be like the sacrifice just to, like, you know, cure his bloodlust. And then hopefully he'll, like, chomp on her for a few months while we build a boat. When we're packing ready to go, I'll be like,

make sure you pack olive oil, some carrots, some celery and an onion. That's the thing you're supposed to boil everything in, isn't it? What's that called? You can get a bag of that. You can get onions, carrot and celery in a bag. Yeah. Well, I'll bring that.

I know that the plane crash is supposed to be spontaneous, but in case I go anywhere ever again, that's what I'm going to pack just in case we end up on a desert island with Armie Hammer and that's what. Yeah. ever again that's what i'm gonna pack just in case we end up on a desert island with army hammer and that's what yeah yeah and also i can just never get past the fact that he's called army hammer it's a really stupid name yeah yeah it's really stupid his full name's armand isn't it so like oh is it armand god you know more about him than i do anna i can't remember why i know so much about army hammer well just to protect yourself knowledge is is power, I imagine, with someone like that. Yeah.

Even if we ended up on a desert island with Armie Hammer and this woman, he would still be more fun to be around. I would still rather have a bit of rum with him on the beach than her. Yeah, the threat of being eaten alive versus just constant snarky comments. Yeah, true. Exactly. Good. Okay, true. Exactly. Good. Okay, well, this is already hotting up to be a horrendous island.

Who's the final person joining you? Who are we going to have, Susie? Okay, well, maybe we can pick someone from our pod. Now we're just going to plug the pod. It's Joseph. It's going to be Joseph. Although I would say Derry was the worst one. But we'll explain.

We'll go with Joseph. So for context, we tell creepy stories every week, right? And one of the stories was about this really fucking drip of a man called Joseph. He went backpacking through Guatemala with his fiancée. And then he turned out to be a fucking marotta. But like in the most boring way. And he fancied this pregnant woman and he wanted to shag her and he wanted to murder his wife. But he was for him.

I wouldn't want him there. So we're dealing with a drip of a man who turns out to be a little bit, well, more than a little bit dodgy suspect. Yeah. Okay. So again, I suppose we've got like, it's kind of the reverse of Armie Hammer in a way.

Like both, you know, he's not, Armie Hammer's like an attractive, sexy guy, but there's a threat. And now we've got the opposite of like someone quite boring and annoying, still with a threat. So you've kind of got a full spectrum there. Yeah, exactly. Just all shades of bad men.

We've got some, yeah, we've got some dickheads, to be fair. Yeah. Honestly, this island has given me the heebie-jeebies. So I think it's good, though, because it's like, there's like, you know, sometimes with this podcast, people, you know, you though because it's like there's like you know sometimes with this podcast people you know you choose someone who's like a bit of a dick or they're quite annoying or whatever but this i think there's a real constant tension with every player in this scenario you know because it's like oh god what's she gonna fucking say next

is she gonna help me get the coconuts or is she just gonna criticize my technique all the time or then you've got like... She would absolutely criticise it, yeah. He's coming on to me. I quite want to have sex with him because I'm bored, but he might also want to eat me. And then the other guy is just a nightmare. Without spoiling too much, can we reveal a little bit more about his character?

About this guy, Joseph. He's sort of... How would you describe him, Hannah? He's incredibly, he's incredibly like weak-willed and he doesn't really know, he can't really make decisions that well. And he's all very moany and complainy. And he feels like the world owes him something. Very weak.

And he gets turned on by this fit Guatemalan lady who's pregnant, and it gives him the horn. But wasn't she compared to, like, Sofia Vergara? I mean, that's fair, isn't it? Because she is fit. Yeah, true. She is, like, one of the fittest women on the planet. Yeah, but it's just weird because then he got the horn off her

and then wanted to shag his fiancée. And you're like, oh, yeah, I just seem to be the girl. Yeah, that voice really doesn't help. That, honestly, every time I hear it, I just want to like rip my own vagina out. Well, on the island, you might have to. Give it to Armie for a can of pay. For breakfast. My time for you of a trainer in this trying time.

Oh, the trigger warnings are going to have to put in the description of this podcast. Jeez. We can't all put into vaginas. Like, this is dreadful. The thing isful i can't describe what the trigger is it may contain well if i'm going to tell you what we're going to say it's going to trigger you because i'm going to have to i don't think there's just a short word for it but um i mean the fact that i'm even thinking about it means we are doing superb work here or rather you are because this is this is a real buffet of dicks. Quite literally buffet.

Oh, yeah, of course. Okay, but we're going to move on because mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, I'm going to do... Avocados. Okay, go on. food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad okay i'm gonna do i'm gonna avocados okay go on were you gonna say you're going you go suzy i'll just that was a no no that was a tip how do you go it's coming uh yeah avocado is the worst thing known to man ever

okay everything about them is bad. If I'm going to have 500 calories in something, it will be a burger, not an avocado. The texture's awful. It tastes of nothing. Everyone's like, yeah, but if you add salt and Tabasco and mayonnaise and, like, oil. It's delicious. I'm like,

well, it just tastes like avocado anymore. And the only people that eat it are the people that pretend to care about the environment. And that's some other dickhead friends of mine. And I absolutely hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate that people call it smashed avocado.

And you just, you just, it's not, it's not, it's ridiculous. Susie's giving me the look like, because she likes avocado. I was going to say, Susie, are you in agreement? I love a bit of smashy avi.

Do you like it, Dan? I do, yeah, I do like it. But, you know, what I will say is it's one of those things like gin, which I enjoy, but I hate all the, like, the stuff around it. You know, like, like calling enjoy but i hate all the like the stuff around it you know like like calling it smashed avo instead of just like avocado on toast you know like there's a lot of like bullshit you've got to wade through it's got such it's got baggage hasn't it you know it's like you know the fact that it's like this thing of a generation oh you like avocados that's why you can't buy a house or like i don't I hate that there's so much stuff with it.

Like you always have to apologise for it. I know, it's been given a bad rep. But I think it's all right. Well, you can't move for avocado in this world. It's awful. I hate that it becomes like this weird status thing. So it's like, okay, I'm going to get a burrito. That's six quid or something in central London.

Then do you want to add avocado? That's an extra pound. It's like you're putting on a spoonful i can buy a whole avocado for that and i know that everything is marked up and that's how that's how restaurants work but like it's just like oh it's not gold you're sprinkling on my fucking taco you know it's just avocado chill out everyone oh i love that no i do you're making me actually want to have some avocado with halloumi and a toasty now i was just gonna say people keep putting it with halloumi as well which upsets me the most because halloumi is one of the best things on the planet do you know what i'm really glad you've said avocado because it's going to be on this island with us so i'll have your avocado thank you i do get annoyed about their small operating window. You know, like certain things like avocados, pears,

I'll put nectarines in there. You know, it's like too hard, too hard, too hard. Oh, you've missed your chances. Fuck that. You know, you've got that like maybe three or four hours where it's perfect. And the rest of the time you're like, no, I should have left it for another day really,

but I've opened it now. You can't like open it and then put it back. You can't just have a check. You know, it's just, can't like open it and then put it back you can't just have a check you know it's just you misjudged it you fucked it and it cost you a quid and it's mostly stone are you doing the drink choice now suzy because obviously yes and also my um food and drink is the same so i can cover all bases okay let's have my my worst my food and drink is the same. Okay, perfect. So I can cover all bases. Okay, let's have it. And my worst dick food and drink is Huel.

Oh, good, yes. I fucking hate the concept. I hate people who, no, I don't, look, I don't, if any, if you're listening and you're drinking Huel, I get it, you're busy. But, like, it's a meal substitute. I might just eat a meal, just get a prep. Like, I hate, and also it's not, you're busy, but it's a meal substitute. I'm like, just eat a meal. Just get a prep. I hate, and also it's like banana flavour,

like cinnamon adjacent. And I'm like, it's fake. I'm like, I don't get it. It's like the same people who'd hump a sex doll. I'm like, no, just just it's not real it feels to me like you know that whole sort of Silicon Valley thing of like I'm just gonna I've picked my outfit and I'm gonna wear the same thing for the rest of my life because having any giving a shit about clothes is this frivolous silly thing and it's like I'm too efficient I'm a optimized machine and I don't need choices about this kind of crap in my life

and it's like oh god food all this delicious food that I can eat in so many different ways what if I could just slurp it all down like I was on a fucking spaceship yeah it's I'm like are we depressed enough as a as a species that we can just blend it all into one and be like is it a food is it a drink it doesn't matter it's your fuel and be like, is it a food? Is it a drink? It doesn't matter. It's your fuel. I'm like, I like the world offers more joy than that. Yeah. And I think even if like, sometimes we're all in a hurry, we don't have time to make a full meal, but I reckon in the time it takes you to blend up a fuel,

you could probably like make an omelette or a sandwich or something, but you could do all right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Completely agree. Anyway. So that's, that's hell on hell on earth it would be useful on an island don't get me wrong it's got but i just it's the concept that bugs me i think it's one of those things you like when you're on if you're on a diet or if you're trying to like lose weight or whatever it's something that because if i'm ever on a diet which isn't often to be fair, because I far too enjoy taking, I prefer to take joy out of food and drink. But when I have been,

it's been one of those things where there's too much choice. And if you can just eat, because I will spend all day thinking about my dinner. I will spend all day thinking about what I'm going to make, what I'm going to have with it. And it does kind of, it does get a bit sexy sometimes, you know what I mean?

But if you can take away the choice and if you can take away the hassle, I can kind of understand the allure. You're such a Huel supporter, Jesus. You can have the Huel, I'll have your avocado. I don't like it, but I do kind of. But then again, you could just have poached eggs on toast, couldn't you? Also, have either of you actually tried one?

No, I haven't, no. Yeah. Oh, it's fucking gross. It tastes of slurpy sawdust. Oh, man. It's absolutely... It's as vile as it sounds. Yeah, if you're going to replace all food with a milkshake,

then it basically has to taste as good as just a smoothie. But if it's worse than anything, then that's terrible. But even if you are on a diet, couldn't you really go to McDonald's three times a day and have a strawberry milkshake? And you'd still be. I don't. I think I'd kill you.

Maybe. But look, the important thing is we have two food and drink items that you're not going to like both of them. And if anything else, it will keep you arguing on the island and make it even more unpleasant. So we've covered it up, I think. We've covered it down the island, great. But fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island

because the Plains Entertainment System continues to work. But just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? I mean, mine's quite an obvious choice for the film, Silence of the Lambs, because I don't want to give Armie any ideas.

And that's that. It's actually quite a good film, but for my own safety, And that's that. You know, it's actually quite a good film, but for my own safety, I've got to think, I've got to think through what's happening on this fucking island. I love that film. It is great, but too dangerous. I think mine would be Lord of the Rings,

because it's shit. Get out. Get out. Do you like Lord of the Rings? Oh, we've had this conversation before, haven't we? Hannah, you're wrong. You're just wrong. They're just on one big walk.

I do think, though, it's good that if you both hate the item, that's one thing, but if one of you hates it and the other one doesn't, I think it's going to stir up even more trouble on the island, potentially making it a worse place. I think it's... I'm liking this dynamic, I've got to say. It's going to be a very spiky island. Yeah, it is.

It is, definitely. So, I mean, even if you like, you know, you like Silence of the Lambs, good film, but do you want to watch something that's going to be, sort of, put you on edge all the time, you know, especially with old Armie licking his lips around the corner? Exactly. Rubbing his thighs, waiting for his next feed.

Yeah, so, well, look, I'm going to, because there are two of you, we'll give you, like, the Lord of the Rings box set with a, you know, when you watch a long film, you need a sort of chaser in between so you can have like a Silence of the Lambs chaser between each film. Lord of the Rings, I don't understand why we can't just always be in the Shire. That's the fun bit. I like that bit. Maybe we'll have it on this, you know, sometimes on planes planes it just runs on a loop so that you have to watch them

you can't skip to the one that you both like you have to get through Lord of the Rings before you're allowed to watch Science of the Lambs yeah okay what about songs what are we going with for songs well I really thought about this I thought about like I hate I hate spoken word so I was going to say like Kay Tempest but then I thought um there was a song that I used to like called um it's like the magician man or something I think it's by the pipettes and it's got um it's then been like oh yeah and then there was this magician and then and then he did everything funky and it's a bit like spoken wordy and like it's all a bit dixie swing and gypsy swing jazz I used to think I was really into that but now I find that music like abhorrent and it's the kind of music that like um you know those like

brexit dresses the ones from like the 50s that have like the big poofy skirts and like I I can't bear that whole aesthetic of being like let's do the jive and I'm like stop being so nostalgic like I like we've moved on and I find it very middle England sort of I just I don't know I'm not describing this very well but it's the genre of Dixie swing that brings me out on hives yeah and also it's that idea it's like because it's quite sort of chic a lot of it you kind of think oh wasn't it a good time and so I think it was probably quite a bad time like 50s probably not that fun in lots of ways you know you like those clothes for an evening out where you're all sort of pretending that you're you know in the 50s but probably quite uncomfortable for a lot of the

time and you would be expected to dress up all the time like you couldn't just lounge about and go to the shops in your tracksuit bottoms you know I think it probably could be quite a restrictive era to live in yeah and like the kind of polka dot goofy skirt and I just yeah for some reason it's the whole the whole concept again I'm happy okay so sorry what was the song again by the pipettes you said it's the pipettes and I can't remember it's like this random b-side that I was obsessed with um and it all I know is it's I think it's called the magician man and it's the worst song in the world but I loved it but now I hate it it's weird when Magician Man and it's the worst song in the world. But I loved it.

But now I hate it. It's weird when you used to love a thing and hate it and then you're like, who was that guy that was so into that? I mean, it was me, but like, what the fuck was I doing then? No, you cringe yourself out. Because it's not like with fashion. You're like, what was I wearing back as a teenager? It's like, look, you didn't know any better. That's what everyone was wearing.

You know, there's no blame there. It's just what you did, you know. But? It's like, look, you didn't know any better. That's what everyone was wearing. You know, there's no blame there. It's just what you did, you know. But when it's like you loved a song, maybe only you liked it, but you're like, God, how did that get in my fucking brain? Yeah, I know. And you thought you were so cool at the time.

God, look at me, it's a B-side. Oh my God, who's she? And you'll really know all the words as well. It'll be like really stuck in your brain, even when you're not listening to it. Someone, you know, who's she? And you'll really know all the words as well. It'll be, like, really stuck in your brain, even when you're not listening to it. Someone, you know, walking along the beach, Armie Hammer starts singing it. Oh, God.

Or the bitch lady from the wedding, you know. Well, you could have one of those. You could have, you know, like, you remember the old CD covers that used to have the words of all the songs in them? You'd have loads of them so that everybody could learn the words all together and we could make, like, a little beach choir. choir yeah for some reason in the plane there was just like a huge box of them so when it exploded there was just like they were scattered all over the world when you're feeling low one just sort of drifts past and hits you in the face yeah army distracted while we try and

chop off one of um one of annoying wedding woman's digits. That's such a throwback. I can't, I just haven't thought about that in ages. The lyrics of a CD album cover. What a concept. That was great though, because I used to think it was like the epitome of cool was to know all the words. It wasn't the epitome of cool to learn them,

but to know them was like, oh my God. I'd spend hours after that. So the Puppets and the Magician Man join you on the island as a terrible, terrible song to be stuck with forever. Okay, well, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of

all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's got to be a cat, hasn't it? It's got to be a cat isn't it it's got to be a cat it's a popular choice i've got to say it's a popular choice oh cats is it too popular is it too no no no i'm just i mean i am a cat owner so uh but i oh are you oh. No, it's okay. Do you like your cat? Yeah, I do. But, you know, I love my wife and my children,

but I know that humanity as a whole, you know, are dicks. You know, I think you can have an element of double-thinking this thing, you know, like, I'll be stroking him and he'll scratch me. Yeah. When i first moved to london we me and my housemates did have a cat and i thought this is going to change my view of cats

because they really wanted a cat and i wasn't that bothered but i was like no you know what i like i like my dogs at home and i do like animals but maybe this will change my view and she was an absolute wanker i I've hated them more having a cat than I ever did before. She was the worst. She'd lie on my bed and I wouldn't be able to get her off. She'd just like hiss at me.

I'd come through the door and she'd just start scratching. She was awful. I hated her. Oh, but you had a twat cat. She's recently passed away, so I do feel bad. She went, well,

she ended up going to my friend's mum's house in cornwall i was like oh thank god for that but i she loved her she thought she was brilliant but i just hated her yeah i mean i think they are like you know naturally vindictive creatures who like would kill you if you cross them like if they were bigger we would have been killed like just just on a whim and it might regret it afterwards but just something you stroke it in slightly the wrong way like my cat you can't stroke him like if he's looking at you you can't sort of stroke him face on you have to

like sort of curl your hand around and stroke him from behind or he'll try and kill you yeah the other day he was on my lap and we've been away for the weekend so i hadn't seen him i was like we're having a nice cuddle and i was like oh you're nice aren't you like it's nice to see you again and then i stroked him the wrong way he was still purring and he just went for me i was like now this is what i'm talking about i just said that you can be a bit of hard work and they've just proved it it was a bit too much affection there there was a level if they were just a bit bigger, we would be dead. Yeah. Like jaguars and pumas.

Yeah, that's the reason you have to be that small. It's just for safety. It's like, you know, you can only have a tiny amount and then you'll be okay. It's like, you know, spirits. Like there's a reason they don't serve them in pints. It's like, it's too dangerous. You can't be trusted.

Oh, I'd love that. A shame. A shame, yeah, I would. Yeah, I know. I'd love a pint of gin and tonic that'd be great yeah yeah I agree um but having given myself alcohol poisoning that way and when I kept a tiger it was very much the same I think a cat would be all right on the island, though. Like, it would do its own thing.

It could hunt things for us to eat. But they would be overrun with them. So I think, you know, there'd often be a lot of shouting and fighting and hissing, you know, in the middle of the night. What was that? Oh, it's like, oh, they're just arguing over nothing. Oh, I see. It's not just one dickhead animal.

No, no, it's overrun by them. It's overrun. Teeming with cats. Oh, okay. Can I tell you my one? Yeah, please. Yeah. Okay. it's overrun by them it's overrun teaming with cats oh okay can I tell you my one yeah please yeah okay

so my one is the swan oh yes yes like they are now come on the swan is a dickhead like

and they're brutes and they're so stacked and they're they don't like anyone like I would say at least some cats are a bit more like hey pet me whereas the swan is just i i feel like that if that was looming over you at night around

the bonfire wanting your eyeballs you know like it would team up with army 100 yeah because they definitely come after you don't they they? Yeah, they're horrible. And the whole design of them is such that they are constantly looking down their nose at you. It's like, you know, like they're posh, they're elegant, they belong to the queen, or I guess king now. And there's all these things about them. It's like, why do all swans belong to the king?

This is so stupid, but they want to fight you. Yeah, exactly. They're posh twats. I reckon now the queen's dead. I but they want to fight you yeah exactly they're posh twat i reckon now the queen's dead i reckon they're a bit more rogue i think they're like yeah fuck you she's gone we can do what we want especially if there's more than one of them on the island you've got to watch your back yeah that is that's a dangerous place to be yeah and i know like we have this image of them floating around and when they put their heads together it makes a sort of a heart shape and blah blah blah but like you know I can put my fingers together in a heart shape and you know I could still be a complete bastard if I wanted to

it doesn't you know it's it's just sort of circumstantial it's just a pattern they don't know they're making a heart shape they've got no conception of heart like you know they're just just dicks so yeah overrun by cats and swans i think is it is a good island they're both very pecky aren't they very pecky like snidey and you couldn't eat a swan could you because it's so stacked i'd give it a go i met someone once who like i think they lived like right up north in scotland or the Hebrides or something like that and he said quite often you'd get swans like he'd fly into electricity uh you know pylons and you'd just find them and I don't know why in that part of the world we don't see him around London just like falling on the ground but he said like that him and his mates would eat them and he said it

was delicious really feels very Henry VIII doesn't it? Like roasted swan. Oh, do you know what? We could dine out on swan for the fucking first month. Oh, that's right. Swan and cat. Yeah, you've still got to try and catch and kill the bastard though. I'd get Armie on it. Armie would be good at

hunting off. Oh, look at that neck. It's kind of shapely, like a woman's leg, isn't it, Armie? Just like keeps feeding him imagery until he fancies swans. Great. Well, look, I think you've done a sterling job getting an island of just not only kind of external, but also internal conflict, because I think it's going to like really like fray your own relationship with each other, which I think is a lovely twist to things. So, yeah, well done.

Oh, yeah, we'll hate each other. Yeah, we'll try and break up with each other as friends, but then we'll still be on the island. Yeah, yeah. And then there'll be like chapter two where we have to team up together again. Yeah, absolutely awful. Exactly, awful. So you've done a great job. And obviously, you know, you have your own podcast, Ghost Huns.

For those idiots out there who haven't listened to it yet, tell us a bit more about it. It's basically where we tell scary stories and try and contact the dead. We do. We get haunted, so you don't have to. Exactly. Yeah, we just love a bit of a jock scare as well,

so we try and find the creepiest stories ever. But there are some hilarious ones in there as well so we try and find the creepiest stories ever but there are some hilarious ones in there as well and we do some ouija boards not well but we do do them so for any spooky bitches out there and i include everyone in that get on board wonderful and of course that is available absolutely everywhere hannah suzy thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. It's been so much fun. Really enjoyed it. Thank you. Loved it.

Like a therapy session. Great. Thank you so much.