Desert Island Dicks - GIG PIGS: ALEX KEALY & IVO GRAHAM

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

GP x DID! The podcast crossover absolutely no one was calling for - some have billed it the McBusted of podcast collaborations. Nonetheless, this episode is a hilarious coming together of 3 very funny people feeling thier way through a very silly format. An absolute pleasure to have Ivo and Alex join Harriet for this week's episode! Enjoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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visit connectsontario.ca. INTRO MUSIC Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guests and here to share their desert island dicks with us today are the hosts of Gig Pigs, Alex Keighley and Ivo Graham. Thanks for coming guys. Thanks for having us. That was a much shorter blurb than you'd let us to, but I thought it was going to be. We've got, we do, we do big blurbs.

You do bigger than that. Well, cause we don't pre, we don't because we don't pre-write them in any capacity. I hoped you were going to delve into the history of our friendship. It's where our minds take us in the moment, and that can take us down tangents. Horrible tangents. I wouldn't recommend them to anyone,

although our podcast is available. I'm going to go. Harriet, could you do a slightly longer blurb? Antique. Of our friendship. That's how confident I am, Alex. That's how confident I am. My book is also shit.

Harriet, a bit more blurb please about our friendship. Maybe living with Alex at Edinburgh 2010. Yeah, we've got- How do you remember the year? No, it wasn't 2010. 2012. Yeah, I think it was 2012. 2012. 2012. 2012. Me, you, Patrick Morris, my glandular fever. It was all the classics. Do you remember that I had glandular fever in the summer prior to that? And you had to sleep on the floor. I had to sleep on the floor.

He snogged too many people. I had not snogged. Yeah, there were always different girls at the flat. It was very exciting. And we did the Reading New Act of the Year competition. We did do the Reading New Act of the Year competition together. You were with Chlamydia, didn't you, that night?

No, you're talking to two of the oldest virgins in comedy. We spiritually continued our virginal status despite having been deflowered. Still a virgin, very sad. Listen, intercourse, of course, can be enjoyable, but it does create problems of its own. How it can relate. But I'm enjoying the podcast. It made me hugely. I wasn't sure what you're referring to. I was like, is he referring to my child? I hadn't really decided. I thought I'd just leave it. It was like it's open-ended.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, no, that's fun. Well, yeah, well, Alex's herpes, you know, anyway. Well, I'm very pleased with how the episode has started. You've made some big decisions. I have made some big decisions. You've gone in bold. I'm very pleased with how the episode has started. You've made some big decisions. I have made some big decisions. You've got it going in both.

Yeah, I like that. I'm afraid so. Alex has looked at, has given me desert island eyes a few times already this morning, I would say in terms of not wanting me to. I've gestured the time and asked Ivo to use a pen and paper to write down the timestamp of where we were roughly in the previous podcast we recorded so we could add a sound effect over someone's name. Yes, exactly. Or a whole sentence. Oh, you're just blabbing. I was slightly in blabbing and listen, you know, Harry, I think and love that you are

one of the great blabbers of your generation. I was absolutely, you know, the story you told for something we did, Would I Lie to You Together, I was absolutely, you know, the story you told for some of what we did, would I lie to you together? I was utterly bewitched by it. But nonetheless, it is sometimes nice to have Alex as a firm hand on the tiller of potential libel. It wasn't even potential libel. It was just, I think it was a good decision.

But the point I'm making is we're gonna stick it to some people shortly as per the format of the podcast. But I am- Alex is gonna bleep over every name. It's not gonna be clear. This guy's a buddy, he's a coward and a cuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell you, when it gets to the animals bit,

I'm like, I don't wanna offend all mosquitoes. Exactly, yeah. Mosquitoes could be listening. They're everywhere. But the caveat I was going to make was that though I can occasionally make a good podcast or at least a good reel for my podcast, I think I, in this mood, you don't want to be stuck on a desert island with me, I'm acknowledging that I'm going to stick it to some other people. I can be unbearable.

And I'm sat next to the person who's got to bear me more than anyone else. I think it's hard to imagine you being unbearable. Okay, let's crack on with the podcast. Just give you more data. Okay, let's have a break. Okay, great. Okay, so how did you find putting together your choices? You're the first pair that we've had. So you've had to work together. And we haven't. I have a list of more generalized non-musical ones. I think we shan't be hitting. I think I've got those, but I think what we're really going to focus on is Ivo's musical

ones. What did you say on the phone? Well, he gestured at the phone like as if it was like a bomb, like the information is in the phone and we mustn't share it. Oh, lovely. There's a flea in the phone. What did you say? The information is safe. The names are in the phone. He's so obsessed with the Red Hot Chili Peppers that he thought instead of saying safely in the phone, that he thought that I had the Red Hot Chili Peppers basis to say flea in the phone. Alex, you didn't put flea on the eye. in the phone that you thought that I had the Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist. Everything and Flea Music with you guys. I was like, Alex, you didn't put Flea on the island.

Well, she put me and Flea on the island. But even then I'd be sad for the music we were denying people, all those bass lines. You hating it, Harriet? So sort of acoustic, slightly less competent atoms for peace, just anyway. She must be hating it now. I'm beginning to understand, yeah. I'm beginning to understand why you're unbearable yet so harry i um i think we should absolutely if we have time or if you want to lead with it smash through i'd love to know alex's general choices are but the full context i think is that there was originally talk of alex doing it

so and still could and would be fantastic without this guy no sometimes sometimes when a power cut happens at spotify studios you know, you just know that God wants it to be me and Ivo. God wants this episode to be me and Ivo. And look, electricity absolutely bursting at the gills today. Oh it's bursting at the gills, it's fantastic. It'd be it. To not get at least five reels out of this episode would be very disrespectful to the amount of electricity and free soft drinks were being given. It's fantastic. So Ivo's going to, I think, lead us through some musical dicks. Okay.

I hate choice, Harriet. And it was recommended by our producer, James, that maybe it would be fun if they related to gig pigs, hopefully for me and Alex, sort of having a shared agenda because we differ wildly on everything else. But also because it might channel the sort of, do you find whenever you're given, and if I may lazily refer to the world panel shows again, when you're given like those kind of briefing calls and the question is sometimes just like,

any funny memory really? I mean obviously like being on Would on Would I Lie To you was an absolute privilege and like trying to remember any funny memory from that, of course. But sometimes, as soon as someone asks you that, you're like, I'm an accountant who was born today. I've never. Yeah, I've never heard anything. How dare you shame me about my- I'm so glad you said that because I just feel like I have no memory. Because they say that, and you're like, I don't know. Can I, can you let me go and, can we put the booking in for five years and I promise I'll go and live

really hard. I'll get the memories you need. But it's that sort of like empty car park where to where to park thing where it's like I don't know. And I think the format is great. I've listened to the podcast, but just sort of dicking on people at random. No one came completely to mind. You know, I'm not, you know, I don't think Donald Trump is terrific, but, you know, as he mentioned before, but, but as soon as it was like, oh, people related to podcasts, I was like, I can think of some villains from the Geek Peaks universe, and hopefully, and, and one of them is very related to, to Harriet. So it's fantastic news. Okay. This is exciting. Okay. Who's the first person? Oh, wow, we're going straight in.

We're going straight in. So I would say one of the, a real popular villain in the world, and I've gone with, I'm proud of how I've swerved this, but Harriet, who is the most popular musician in the world? And some people absolutely love them, millions love them, and some people loathe them. I would say her, the biggest, biggest in the world. Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift. I've enjoyed a lot of her music pre and post parenthood and particularly post parenthood. I sing long to her with my daughter and I love that. And we didn't go to eras, but I'd have loved to have gone to eras. So those are all the caveats. But you know, she's steamrolling. She's a juggernaut she's the death star you know um but i think it's a bit too obvious to stick it to taylor swift so alex who have i chosen instead is the desert island so is taylor is it is it is it one of taylor swift's uh recent facilitators and collaborators yes it is it's aran desner of our favorite band, The National. And it'd be easy to go with it. Obviously the most obvious Swiftern abler is that Jack Antonoff man, you know, from Fun, the food that we are young song,

which I hate. And there's some amazing journalism about how Jack Antonoff has like the antonification of all music, because he's such a, his production is, you know, is very good, but it's in everyone wants to be Taylor Swift and he's production is, you know, is very good, but it's in everyone wants to be Taylor Swift and he's involved in, but you know, very impressive, very impressive life for himself, of course, and going out with Marguerite Crosby. Married to Marguerite. I know, and the song, the Lana Del Rey song about Margaret. So you know, so you know, if there's another island nearby.

Beautiful Lana Del Rey song. But I'm not, but I was thinking of this, because how much of a relationship, I presume how it may be through, you know, some of our sad male mutual friends, how much exposure to the Nationals music have you had? See, a lot of people around me, I think, are fans of the National, and it's not you were wearing a National t-shirt.

I've moved from a National t-shirt to an equally dad-core t-shirt. I'm not wearing a Sea Power t-shirt. Okay, no one from Formula E brought Sea Power into it. No, I don't think, I don't think, I don't think Wood from Sea Power is becoming the third Taylor Swift super producer anytime soon. I don't think so, for reasons that we would explore on our own podcast, but won't waste your time.

But Aaron Dessner, oh sorry. Yeah, so I don't know the national that well, it's just never, they've never quite appealed to me. But then, so are we saying you're a fan? They're our favorite band. We both love the national. We've adored them for about 15 years. Most of the length of our friendship.

They've been making absolutely stunning sad music for sad men, not in cells, but sort of people. People who, I would say the kind of our friendship. They've been making absolutely stunning sad music for sad men, not incels, but sort of people who, I would say the kind of men... Thank you for clarifying. Yeah, thank you. How can there be sad dads and incels? You've got to be non-cel at least once or twice to be a multidimension. These men, when they're not in cells, they did manage to successfully impregnate probably an equally troubled woman at some point in the late 40s, early 10s. But now they are just wearing their North Face to watch The National. And they make it, but the only real evolution, because it has been, I'm a huge fan, but it used to be,

and you know, we all lose our edge, apart from me, I'm becoming insane. But The National used to make quite sort of raw, sad dad music. And like, it was quite wild. And the lead singer, Matt Bernhardt, would drink a bottle of wine before we went on stage and sort of like rattle around the crowd. And now it's a lot more like stately. They're really massive.

They know they're going to be playing arenas and their lead guitarist, Aaron Destner, has become Taylor Swift's sort of right right hand man. Aaron Judas Dessner. And so the Taylor Swift has become the National and the National have become Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift made these lockdown you know the slightly more folky albums that was that he's all over that and the stuff since and the National they've collaborated with them more and their stuff has lost a bit of it. It's still incredibly moving, obviously, particularly if you've just had a delicate domestic dispute. But it's like, it's very, and I would sit on that island next to Aaron

Destner and he'd probably make me a more vapid version of myself as well. And I'd be When I got here, Aaron, I was spearing fish with a home whittled stick that allowed us to eat. And now it's just this... I'm singing a lullaby to the fish about my grandmother. Yeah, of course I am. That's the Dessner effect. He's the biggest villain in the Geek Piece universe, even though we had a lovely time watching him with our friends, and your friends as well, Stuart Laws and Helen Awadio. But he's my first nom. Alex, is that mad? Can you picture yourself with

Destner on the desert island? I think, you know, if I'm trying to be fair about Destner, I think, you know, they've all got there. Is this... Also, he's one of a twin, so once he's on the island, it's great news for Bryce Destner. Yeah, yeah. Because everyone knows who that is now. because he's living in our Destner channel as well. Because currently Bryce Destner's identity is oh he sort of does classical music and lives in Paris with his French wife whereas now it would be like he's the only unshipwrecked Destner. That would be so much more memorable. Yeah yeah the national it would breathe new and I will be prepared to lose myself to the island to know that back on the mainland, the national would having new life breathed into them and that Bryce was getting his flowers. So it's good news for everybody. And maybe Taylor's got to probably not stand on her own two feet, just employ Jack Antonoff more. But, you know, it's, it's, it's good news for everybody, I think. And, you know, of course it's a brand breaking the rules,

because I am basically asking a member of my favourite band to come to the desert island, but I do have beef with him and I wouldn't be able to resist it, I think. I think I would just want to try and provoke him on the island. When it was cannibalism o'clock at, you know, what week. If you'd written another Mr November in the last five years. Week seven.

Week seven. Week seven. Week seven. I'm starting a fight which either leads to me killing him so I can eat him or him sort of feeling comfortable killing me so he can eat me. And that's the generous spirit I bring to the Dessert Island. That's beautiful. That's really beautiful. Kill me and eat me then.

If you think that folklore was as good as red. I don't know if we've ever had such a complicated reason for something to be put on the island. It's so complex. There's so many. I don't want to be too cynical, Harriett, obviously, because this is obviously, this podcast is a huge opportunity in itself, but I'm essentially road testing a lot of my cannibalism rifts for Laverne. I don't even know where you follow that. Like who could be other they can't be enough. There can't have been enough thought and feeling in the second person on the island. You only wanted two more. That's four more. I couldn't work out the options. So, yeah, so, well another one is in a similar sort of category. This isn't going to count, but I'm quite pleased.

Can I sneak in a sort of a version of that? Sure, this is the sixth one. Well, yeah, they're going to count. No, no, no, this, so I was going to pop in Bon Iver for the same reason. Yes, I feel the same. Bon Iver has warbled over any old shit in the last 50 years. And it's going to watch an absolutely amazing Bon Iver gig with my friend Tom Lambert, where I texted Alex in 2023 after that gig saying,

we should do a podcast about how great Gona Giggs is. So thanks for gig pick Bon Iver, but also not thanks for giving this sort of indie credibility to mainly Kanye West, but also loads of other people. And I love the music of Kanye West. And obviously he, he should be on the real island with Donald, with Donald Trump, obviously, but let's know, let's, let's, I don't want to eat Kanye West. I want to eat Bon Iver, Justin Vernon, while, while, while saying, you've got, your songs have got too much punctuation in the titles and, uh, you're, you're, you've, you've disappeared up your own ass and I don't like

your collabs with Kanye West. You're worried that if you're on the island with Bon Iver that you're trying to write help in big, in the sand for the play and he's writing like ampersand hieroglyph emoji L.P. and you're like, just sometimes the clarity is better. The pitchfork plane will find us, but no other plane will find us. We did an episode of Gig Pigs, which I think we really are promoting here, called Desert Island Dicks about Nick Cave. Desert Island Knicks.

So Desert Island Knicks, because we'd done an episode about Nick Cave and then Nick Cave was on Desert Island Discs. So we were like, we'll do an episode about his episode of Desert Island Discs. And he picked, and this is someone whose music I love and I think is just such an incredibly moving and impressive and inspiring person. But I disagree with it slightly politically. And then amidst this, he then does Desert Island Discs and one of his songs, to be fair, he says it's because he listens with his kids and it's got, you know, and so it's, you know, a nice family thing, but his choice was I Am A God by Kanye West, which is a song Kanye West released in about 2012 when he was just about still sort of not a bad man. And it was quite funny, they released a song called I Am A God. But and then Nick Cave at the end of the episode was like, when they say that, and what would you say from the waves? He

was like, that one. Like, Nick Cave, you've said in 2025, my favorite song of all time is I Am A God by Kanye West. That is someone who is not afraid to endorse a Nazi. Yeah. Fair enough. So he said that recently. Yeah, yeah. That's a recent interesting choice.

Well, I suppose he's... He's been recorded late 2024. No, no. Give him a few weeks. I think there's enough. I think, yes, I think there's enough. I imagine if Nick Cave is thinking in any particular way in that, I think he's deliberately going like, I'm going to do the maximalist, like the art, not the artist thing that I could possibly do, which is to literally save the Kanye track from the waves. Oh, I see. He's always one step ahead. You're absolutely right. And by which I mean the cave and Alex Keely.

Harriet, I'm, I'm, I'm rebutting on, I think actually for time, we can always come back to the rest of the list, but should we say that Bon Iver or Kanye West are number two? And can we go to number three? I mean, he's editing himself. Well, it's respectful, isn't it? What do you think, Kerit? Do you want to hear about jazz musician Rick Simpson? So yeah, let's go to the first. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. And we did enjoy your night of Radiohead covers, Rick Simpson, but I also had some quite sort of personal life adjacent agendas to push there, but Kemptley has rightly forbidden me.

So my third one is, and Alex, I'm going to let you choose which member of the Jonas Brothers are we taking. Oh, that's fascinating. I've got so, um, I've got so few takes in the cam for Jonas Brothers. I mean, I mean, which one is married to a very famous person whose name I can't remember. Yes, that's quite tricky. Two were married to famous people. Oh, one of them has got divorced from, or is divorcing Sophie Turner.

Oh, from Game of Thrones. Sophie Turner, yes. That's Joe Jonas. Yes, the purity rings feel a long time ago. I think he might be enemy number one. Yeah, yeah. So, well, I've got a couple of options here. Because he tried to badmouth her in the press.

He tried to set her up. I went down some Reddit threads over the last couple of days. I'm interested in how, you know, co-parenting disputes play out in public. I was reading, not tips, but just let's see how it works when it's a Jonas. That's always my rule. You know how when you're on Reddit, that if you're on a particular board,

if you're on like the nationals Reddit board, it will be like 89 sad dads are on, like each thing has a like for the Jonas threads, for the Jonas Reddit board now, is it just like, uh, 1,872 dads just trying to do what's best for their daughter, unlike their tear away mummy, like are online. Is that what it's changed to try and steal man Joe Jonas's awful bad man? You have to wade through a load of BF52 ads, but you do feel that. So this actually is a, this is a choice rooted in a little bit of self-hatred to do with this podcast as well,

which is the producer and former host of this podcast, James. We were talking about James, you must know what I'm talking about here and may I tell a story on the record? So we were talking about, I think I was talking about my daughter to you a few weeks ago, and you said, you were talking very seriously, just for Christmas, we were talking about our children's Christmas shows, and you said that, oh, you'll like what my son's called, and with a really expectant smile, which I immediately sort of dreaded that I was going to fail at a quiz. And you said, my son's called Jonas.

And I was like, oh, yeah. And you looked at me with those expectant, legitimately expectant eyes. I said, because of the Jonas brothers? And you said, no, because of the Weezer song, the Weezer song, My Name is Jonas. Yeah. One of the, one of the great sort of, uh, sort of indie sort of tracks of the 1990s. Weezer's Guitar Hero on Guitar Hero 3. That Weezer song is one of the tracks on Guitar Hero 3. Yeah. I mean, it was pretty, I've never listened to Weezer song is one of the tracks on Guitar Hero 3. Yeah, I mean, it was pretty... I've never listened to Weezer as much as many of my...

I know I'd like them and I've never quite got around to it and never have I felt that more in that moment. You didn't say the Jonas Brothers, you said the great Jonas Brothers. Well, of course I should show respect for your son. That's quick thinking, Dev. The only sensible choice can be, of course. The great Jonas Brothers. So funny, where presumably when it was clarified you immediately started shitting on the Jonas Brothers. Here I am. Come on the podcast to clarify.

I love those moments in life when it's such a humiliating revelation of how much of a bullshit artist you could be generally. It's like you were happy to disingenuously go to bat for the Jonas Brothers and not give you an authentic reaction to James. It was a real low point on loads of stuff. You genuinely thought James had named his child after the toilet? I wanted to compliment him for it. My first instinct was to compliment that. Sometimes I'm thick, sometimes I'm a worm, sometimes I'm a thick worm. And those are the worst

days. That's just a snake. A thick worm is just a snake. No, that sounds too cool. I wasn't a snake in that moment. I'm a snake when I'm talking to you about how James is my least favorite of the people who work at Spotify. I know his kids have stupid names. No, it's brilliant. The other one, can I talk around the name of your second child or can I go straight in?

I'm afraid this is once more, I'd be delighted, but I think it's probably for Alex, Aila. Oh great, yes, yes, yes. By the Maccabees, who've reunited this year. So that's very exciting. And I'm going to name my daughter Pelican. Fantastic. I'm so pleased we have each other. I'm in touch with Felix from the Maccabees and I've told him about Aila and it's got

done great. So, never mind that though. Let's talk about these bloody shits, the Jonas Brothers. No one should name their child after them because if you really respected the Jonas Brothers in the days of the purity ring, you wouldn't have had a child at all. Do you remember that, Harriet, when they had the purity rings? And that's like none of them would, that's like a no fucks hair ring, right? That you're not going to have sex before marriage.

But is it authentic? So you think they were- Well, with like the Britney Spears thing, she's since said that it wasn't, she was told to portray an image. But then are they actually living the image? Or are they trying to attract their teen fan base? And you know, probably it's, yeah, it's, you know, the sort of super cynical thing would be like, what, and what better way to lure one of your like, adulating like 16 year old

fans and be like, but you can, you can come up, I've got a pure, I've got a ring on which means... I'm a safe boy. Yes. Horrible. Well, I'm, I'm, I've got a screen grab here of an article from factinate.com, which is the 13th point in a 20-point article about Joe Jonas and why we should feel sorry for him.

And it's, he never liked the promise rings. There is no citation anywhere in this article. It just says, Joe always hated the promise ring idea. And he squirmed when people came up to him on the street and said they were waiting to because of him. So, you know, heavy hangs the hand that wears the ring. And it was all of them. So, but it's a tricky, you know, which Jones.

And again, it's a hard thing in the podcast is not actually who do you want to put on designs? Who do you not want to be stuck with? And, you know, I dare say not to keep hammering that, the Reddit threads that we were just discussing. But I'd have an interesting chat to Joe Jonas about some things, whereas Nick Jonas has come out as in support of Elon Musk quite recently, or at least has interacted with him sort of positively on social media. And Nick Jonas is married to someone very famous? Yes, I can tell you that Nick Jonas is married to,

I'm on the Wikipedia page, I actually have fast, but I've done 90%. Priyanka Chopra? Yes. She's a big deal, isn't she? Well, she's going to win Miss World 2000, so yeah, absolutely. Yeah, big deal.

Miss World 2000. What a great year to win Miss World. Yeah, fantastic. Yeah, yeah, the thing where they're giving their speeches about what they want most. Eight year old Nick Jonas being like, if only I was old enough and allowed to have sex with you. So which is the worst one?

Is it? Which is the worst one? Which is the worst Jonas? Is there a third Jonas? Who's the other one? Yeah, there's a third. And he's married to a third. There is a third. Can you move it?

Can you name it? He's married to a normal person. Oh, coward. Absolute coward. You flat-track bully. Absolutely pathetic. He's still wearing his purity ring. He's saving himself his second match.

You're calling Danielle DeLisa an American reality television personality. Yes, but sorry, because her reality television is the show Married to Jonas. It's a classic. What would the Wikipedia page have been pre-Jonas? And if it's non-existent, then they're normal. Well, there we go. Is it the person who has maybe not been great to his ex-wife? Is it the person who's endorsed E.L. Musk? or is it the person who married a Norman? Three bad Jonas's. One horrible island. Let's put my vote is for the Sophie Turner one.

Let's put him on the island. Yeah, he was trying to paint her as a bad mother. I think he has to go on the island. Yeah, because he might try and paint you as a bad... Island mate? A bad island mate, yes. How can I be a bad island mate when I'm cutting off my leg for Aaron Desperate to eat? Ivo's pursuing his own acting career and he's leaving our coconut at home, not being able

to take care of it. Big fat of the face leaving our coconut at home. We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight. Rocky's Vacation, here we come. Whoa, is this economy? Free beer, wine and snacks. Sweet! Fast free wifi means I can make dinner reservations before we land.

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impressive power and capability, you'll have everything you need to get from work to play with confidence this season. Hurry in, employee pricing is on for a limited time. Visit your local GMC dealer for details. Okay, so mercifully amongst the records of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. But unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Is this music themed as well? Yes, it is, I'm afraid.

So for the food I've gone with, and I think Alex will resent this as well, because he resented it at the time. And particularly because, you know, I'd love to be a vegetarian, but I'm always failing and you're probably going to fail on the island because you'll eat whatever you can, even if it's one of the Dessners. But this is, I would say- Paul Bryce, Bryce is getting involved. Sorry.

Bryce, no, sorry, it's not one of the Destiners. It's one of the Jonas's or only one Destiner. So I would say it is the meat, you know, my brother will, my brother only eats meat when he's like on holiday with his longterm girlfriend who is Italian in Italy and now like an amazing restaurant. He's like, this is the point of going to Italy with my Italian girlfriend. Let's show some respect to this amazing food. This is the opposite of that. This is like the worst quality meat in the world.

And we've both got daughters and I reckon it's in your daughter's lunchboxes. Often this is in my daughter's lunchbox and it's long and it's thin and it comes in a sort of condom and it begins with P. Harriet? There's a lot of clues there. To be fair, it does all tick with a different word, but yes, go on. Yes, exactly. That's the... Oh, I see. It even begins with P. Oh, that's crazy. I wasn't even thinking about the phallic.

The way you set it up. You just accidentally write like P, Judy and Clary just by accident. Sorry, listen. You just accidentally write like Pete, Julian, Clare, just by accident. Sorry, listen, you can have this fun with Gledhill, but I'm absolutely not going for that. I didn't bring it, you brought it in.

I just hope someone would say peperami. Someone would say peperami a lot earlier. I'm so, I'm very, very sorry. My daughter's vegetarian. So it would not be I'm so I'm very very Sorry, I want you to say she's vegetarian it do you mean that literally or extending this and this riff about sex I didn't think you would be the boys that lower the tide. It's one of the bonus moves of Alice in the Brain podcast. Yeah, I'm delighted.

Is the age of your daughter publicly available? Anyway, it's clearly- Could she for the purpose of this riff be say 18? Yeah, better and worse. Anyway, but pepper armies are a bad snack. Yes, yeah, I agree. But you love pepper armies. Well, so we went to watch the band Future Islands at the Kingston Prism, which is a

regular haunt of us because often... I saw that at Latitude. Did you have a lovely time? Yeah, they did like a little thing. Yeah, it was great. Did they play, they presumably played Seasons Wasting on us, they didn't play for us because we went to a full album, their latest album they just played in full which was great and then they just they were like that's it, that's what you know, it wasn't like a big gig. It was like buy a CD, pay a bit extra, you also get this free gig of which bands do to try and bump their sales the first week.

That's the piggy lifestyle, I'm afraid. We're just missing out on our favorite songs every day of the week to support these new albums. We're dragging Eleanor Tynan down to Kingston to do it with us. Eleanor Tynan, who had never had a paparami before. I was wondering why this is a pepperoni. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we needed to grab some quick snacks from Tesco before the gig.

And again, this isn't even like having one because my daughter wants it in her lunch, in her literal lunchbox. But because like this is just voluntarily buying one as a snack from Tesco. So there's no excuse for it at all. But I think it made me laugh how appalled you were at the idea of me getting a pepper army. And then I said that what I was going to do, cause I think you referenced how pungent they are and I said, I'm going to take the pepper army into the gig and

I'm going to try and open the pepper army next to Alex without him realizing, eat it. And as soon as I opened the pepper army, Alex turned to me and said, you've opened a pepper army. It was instant. And this is like towards the end of the gig. I've been getting so excited for Operation Pepper Army. Smoking weed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are trying to hide your pepper army. Some friends in I think probably the probably the Edinburgh that we flat shared. Daniel Kitson was doing a like 100 show, now we're down, at midnight. And my two friends, Lucas and Gabby, went to watch it. And because it was quite late at night, they had an orange. And they were like, I don't know, eight rows back or something. And just like at half past midnight, my friend Gabby furtively opened her orange

to have some slices of like kind of citrus energy late at night to keep it going. And then Kitson from the stage went has someone opened an orange? Like he smelt the orange and then I believe it then I believe he then told subsequent audiences. When one sense diminishes. So, so yeah, so you know, you can, you can smell in a gig, but I will say eating pepperoni is like eating a burp. I think they're so like, it's such a like powerfully persistent and pungent taste.

It's a selfish choice. It's a snack. Yeah. And it would, and it would make, and it would make me feel guilty and sickly on the island. And also I would be surrounded by, and I'm sorry say with Condon, but you can picture even without giving them to your admirably vegetarian daughter, what they come in. And the fact that in my, what they are stored and supplied in is a little sort of plastic film. And I just find those so regularly in the back of my car and they're the grossest bit of post-child detritus in my

Skoda Fabia. Do you think you're then using, so say there's like a kind of cache of like 100 pepperoni, like it's not just one pepperoni, we've got like there's like a box of pepperoni on the fly presumably right, so that it's, and so are we using, are we like scoffing those day one and then we're using like 100 of them to like catch rain water and we have like burpee rain waters Eat me now, eat me now. I don't have the practical skills and if even if I did I'm not sure Could I nominate a drink if that's all right, absolutely, it's It's my least favorite ale. And it's an ale called Rancid Hellkite. Okay, so we can explain this. It's a fictitious ale.

It's a fictitious ale. And that is, there's an Everything Ly and everything, everything, all favourite band. Drag Alison Spittel to Cambridge. And we took Alison Spittel to Cambridge. Big Bigs is dragging a woman to not the city they live in. Giving them a disgusting snack. Yeah. You flash off lucky with the Apollo.

We flash off purity rings and Alison Spittel saying, we're safe, we're safe boys. You can come with us to Cambridge to watch. Women have asked us to stop telling them how safe we are. It's having an adverse effect. Alison Fiddle loves everything, everything, so she was easy to lure. And there's a lyric on one of my favorite songs off their new album, which... What's the name of that song? Dagger's Edge? D Daggers Edge, yes.

And one of the one of the lyrics has the lead singer Jonathan Higgs talking about the rancid Hellkite hoot. And it's like a sort of, it's a sort of chaotic fever dream that he's kind of singing about. And I think there's references, it's possibly a reference to like when you lick, there's a lot about licking toads in this album where it's like, you know, that type of drug where you lick those like psychedelic toads. And so the rancid Hellkite hoot is something that's referenced and I made a possibly eggy reference to it

as like a sort of the name of like an ale that would be like 8.4% at a sort of craft. I thought it was a really funny reference and I loved it and I thought about it so much that then when they were watching them live in Cambridge, they were playing the song Dagger's Edge and I lifted my beer to Alex and went, and Alex looked at me with such like completely legitimate bafflement. We'd had this riff like weeks before and we were watching the gig like three hours away through the gig and then like much later I think I said to Alex, I didn't think you gave him very much for my rancid Hellkite toot call back. Alex was like,

obviously I didn't get that, I just saw you just randomly like cheers with your ale. Like, look at us drinking beer eh? I'm like, hi there, we're both 34. This isn't as impressive as. So I would say also that same gig you showed me a picture of Richard Dawkins and I like forgot, I like I forgot why that was a callback to something and I can't I can't I like yeah I was just like why you showed me a picture of Richard Dawkins. I think it was because uh we talked about being um evangelists for lots of everything, everything songs. And then I said that actually I was an atheist for the song, for everything, everything, cough, cough, because everyone else, you know, thinks it's God-like, but I actually think it's, it's one of, I love the band, but I think it's a slightly overrated song. And it's got like, if you don't know it as a listener, it's like one of their big singles,

but the, like the, the repetitive vocal hook is literally like using coughing kind of as like a form of percussion almost where it's like, post COVID it should come with a trigger warning. So they start playing this song and I, undeterred by the failure of Ranside Hellkites to show Alex a photo of Richard Dawkins on my phone to suggest that, you know, he's the atheist and I don't like this song, but it's not even clear that it's a picture of Richard Dawkins. Oh, I remember what I thought it was. I thought I couldn't, it was like I saw a picture of an old man. And I instead of thinking it was Richard Dawkins, I thought it was Major Charles Ingram, the coughing man from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. And I was like, yeah, I suppose he did use, I suppose that is another time that coughing happens in the culture.

So we always find a way, but it's not a happy road, I would say. So we're putting that beer on the island because you just think it would be a foul. Well, it reminds me of- Is that a pepper army together? Well, yes, the 8.4% strength ranc Hellcote student, or really any ale, you know, these are going to be some bad farts on the island with the pepperoni.

But also, you know, the drink itself, it reminds me of a failed attempt to banter with my best friend. And I don't want to be thinking about that on the island. So many misunderstandings at this gig. We've got chemistry! It's like an Oscar Wilde kind of situation happening. No, they agree to be funny by loads of people. So, fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck. It only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time and the other your least favourite song. What are they and Why? Alex, I mean, I've tried to pick things that would be fun for us to discuss, but of course, agreed with all of your picks. I think, well, I mean, I've got, you know, I would love to hear yours. I would, for me, I think I was in a place when I was coming here to record prior to the loss of power of this studio, a film that should have had a loss of power in its entire production process because then it

wouldn't have been made and then the world would be better. It's the film Deadpool vs Wolverine, a film I detested like so massively and I don't mind superhero films but I thought it was an aggressive lack of creativity. See, I watched this film, I think, on a plane last week over somebody's shoulder. The best way, of course, to give a film a really good chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just kept hopping between places.

And I mean, I can't, I didn't hear any of the words and it was on a very small screen and I went in and out of it. But it did. The way to enjoy it. I would say it was bad. So you know, it's, I could really round in quite a few. Basically I'm going to sort of dox my wife's chemical state at the time where we'd had,

I would say, a little bit of a gummy bear. So she'd had, I was driving, she'd had a little bit of a gummy bear. And we were in, we were like on holiday in like Cornwall for a couple of days after a friend's wedding, she'd had a little bit of a gummy. We went to the cinema and she laughed in the film twice. Imagine, imagine having a gummy and it's like going well and for like two hours you've laughed twice. That is like, we were like, we could have put you in a white painted room and you would have just background hum. You'd have remembered something, would have made you laugh four times. Like, like it actively... It removed laughs. It's minus two laughs. Yeah, yeah. That's the batting average of like... If you get pulled over by the police,

or you've been driving under the influence, see if you can watch even five minutes of Deborah Richards' movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's better than downing a cup of coffee really quickly before they try and make you walk in a straight line. Speaking of which, do you think a few pints of ranted Hellcote's toot might... might improve Deadpool vs. Wolverine? I haven't seen it, and I haven't seen any films in that universe. So maybe my bow would be low and I'd enjoy it the first time. Maybe. And quite thick and easily pleased with films. No, I think you like a thing

that certain of these films have stopped doing. Sorry? James's stomach is turning. A solid burp. These films have stopped having. And I actually really like stories. They're really stories that like have stakes and consequences and don't get just immediately redone in the next film because we exist in a multiverse. Like actually just really enjoy the the multi-millennia long art form of storytelling. He's a very linear man. Yeah. Oh, it can be non-linear. Just don't make it completely consequent, consequence-less by, yeah, it's just. And we've committed that by having a podcast, I would say, where technically every episode is standalone.

But it's still really hard to listen to if you haven't listened to previous episodes because we drown you in backstory. It is leading somewhere eventually. No, no, no. We didn't say it was leading somewhere eventually. We just no, we didn't say it was leading somewhere eventually. We just said that all the episodes are tied up with each other. Yeah, yeah.

Well, we'll go watch like the Travelling Wilburys will be our equivalent Avengers endgame where all the different storylines coalesce together in one film. We were setting up Bob Dylan in one episode. Oh, that's a lovely thought. Name a single other Travelling Wilbur, George Harrison. Oh, well done. I can't name a single other travelling Wilbert George Harrison. Oh, well done. I can't name a third. Please don't make me.

I vote. What film are you watching on this desert island? Oh, I was just going to say Interstellar because you're always banging my butt on the computer. What's mad to me, Harry, have you seen Alex's undeniably excellent piece of stand-up about the film Interstellar? I must have seen it. Well, it's almost sexily cerebral. Oh my God.

Those aren't my words, those are the words of the telegraph. And you've already told me once before that that telegraph review is about a show that doesn't have the Interstellar routine. Is that in your latest show? That's in my 2019 show, but it's my sort of club closer.

Yeah, I have seen it. And it goes well 98% of the time, but it's quite an eggy way to close your set in the, if the audience don't trust you, they're like, this bit's going on too long, we're going to start talking in it. It doesn't happen often. It's rare, but it's quite, it's like, it's humiliating to leave the stage when you've done a magic trick that almost always works, but when it doesn't work, it's like, why did

you do a lot of talking and then end your set? Yeah, yeah. And I love it when that happens. I pray for it. And I sometimes try to start a burble in the room. why did you do a lot of talking and then end your set? Yeah, yeah, and I love it when that happens. I pray for it and I sometimes try to start a burble in the room. Because I'm not sure if I trust this guy, I don't know, I don't think we should give him the reverential respect of silence that allows the kind of myth of the joke to take off. I think you're overstating my creativity, I usually just say what's this? like, what's this? Little touch.

So you don't need to read too between the lines to say that a lot of my friendship with Alice and even when I'm rude to him is based on not just love but a lot of envy and respect. Like he's such a good stand up and he's got so many like really great like short bits as well and he didn't have those when he was living with you in 2012. The man was a mess. But I would say since... Alex was non-stop. There was no stop. He's getting tighter and I am getting more diffuse and we're briefly meeting for a few years. Benjamin Button long bit short bit. Yeah we're sort of we're viable meeting for a few years. Benjamin Button long bit short bit. Yeah, we're viable as a thing.

But you would have every right to lose patience. But since 2017, you've been doing great short jokes and tweets. And I wish I had more of those in my locker. But the interstellar bit is like, is it the logic of it and the punchline is like, it's comedically great, but it is it's a classic, like, I'm battering you with a long bit. And the long bit, I think it exists now in public and it's been a reel and you know, you know, how it can't remember it, which doesn't speak well for the real.

I was talking remember it, which doesn't speak well for the real. I was talking through it. But I'm rewriting, huh, under the real in the comments. My wife's like, all comments are good for the algorithm. It's fine. I know you're getting a lot of ha, or what's this, or why. A lot of emojis as well. The monocle emoji guy. I hate that man. So I am spoiling the bit, but I think now we can, which is that you recite the

plot of Interstellar at great length and then there's a brilliant final line which undercuts that, assuming that people haven't said huh. But I'm amazed at how quite aside from the fact that Christopher Nolan films are as amazing as they are, they're quite intense. And I think, you know, value for money wise on New Telsa Island, great, I suppose to have a three hour film, but I don't think it would be my first choice. But also, Well, go on. I am amazed at how if you asked me to tell you what the plot of Interstellar is, I could

not tell you. And I've had the plot of Interstellar recited to me by Alex Keeley, I would say 30 or 40 times in my life when we were on tour together. And I still couldn't tell you what it is. And we saw it together at the Swiss Cottage IMAX in 2014 when it came out. I popped out for food.

Hot food. Yeah, there was one other. We would pop out for hot food and still come back in. There's another hour still to go. It was 11 a.m. It was like a 500 seater IMAX. And it was just me and Ivo there, like one minute before start at the end of the adverts and then one other person came in which obviously

immediately then ruins it. It goes from being like the best thing possible where it's like private cinema to like no atmosphere whatsoever. We can't be like complete dicks because another human being is in the room with us. It's like when we have to have a guest on Gig Pigs. Yeah. And I got a call to be in the Hobgoblin Comedy Award finals. Oh, wouldn't it? It was a big day. It was a big day. Is this the film where he comes back and his daughter's old?

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Not Benjamin Boussard. And she's not a vegetarian anymore. She's got a lot of things to do. So much age. Eating pepperonis all over the place. We didn't do a song. We should do a song. Have you got a song? I've got a song. It's a song we've

seen live together. We weren't sat next to each other, Harry, but we had the most absolutely wonderful meal at Tim Hortons afterwards. And it's as it was by Harry Styles, one of my favorite pop songs ever. But I wouldn't want to be trapped on the island with it because I would hate to come to resent it. And also a big part of my and Alex's friendship and my sort of parasocial sort of third party-ness in his marriage to Mari is based on me mansplaining as it was to Mari because she once made the terrible mistake of referring to it as a hidden gem of the Harry Styles album and I said, I could show you a number of articles about how many streaming records it's broken.

So I don't think everyone else has found it as hard to find as you have, gem-wise. Thanks for inviting me to Cornwall. And I think to be trapped with the reminder of that and the song, starting to hate the song, and even that little bit which my daughter loves. Come on, Harry, we want to say goodnight to you at the start. And I would hate that as well.

I think it would be so depressing. Do you know what I mean? You don't wanna be trapped with the song you love on the island. You wanna be trapped with the song you hate and come to sort of, you know, have a passive aggressive relationship with it. And also that's quite an optimistic vision of the island.

Cause I think you're like, you're trying to future-proof your own post-island life. You're like, I'm getting off this island one day. One day I'm getting off this island and I want to still love as it was by Harry Styles. When I returned to the mainland, eat albatross, realize it doesn't, it tastes different and that I was eating humans on the island.

Oh no. Sorry. Once more we really thought about the island. No, I think you're the first person that's taken a song and said you want a song that you love because you don't want to hate a song you love. Yeah yeah oh if I want a song I don't enjoy I'll take one of Rick Simpson's Radiohead jazz covers. We had a lovely time at that gig I just slightly regret other things around it. It was a fantastic night of Radiohead jazz covers but yeah I, I think that's, that's, and may I say I've still got a Tim Hortons card on my fridge because of how much I enjoyed our meal

there after Harry Styles. That was so great. That was so fun. Yeah, we, yeah, that was very fun. It was, yeah. It was just, we were buzzing with, with the joy of having watched Harry Styles, but absolutely, it was, it was so good. And again, I couldn't, I wouldn't wanna think about that on the island. Yeah, that's it, bringing back like the thoughts, the memories and things. Some people say, have happy memories, you know,

have things that remind you of happy memories. No. You wanna really embrace the sadness. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, so finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Well, this was easy. I'd say it's the biggest bill of animal, human of the entire gigabit

universe, and it's your bloody dog that ruined our episode about Father John Misty. I'm eating that dog on day one. You're not even hungry. He's not even hungry yet. He had a big meal on the fly and still he's like, right, society rules are over. Time to kill that dog. So many people have come and talked around my dog as no one has come out and explicitly said my dog. Poor Sunny.

Poor beautiful Sunny. He's just got so much love to give. Oh, he licked my hand for a second. He's like, oh, I'm going to eat that dog. I'm going to eat that dog. I'm going to eat that dog. I'm going to eat that dog. I'm going to eat that dog. Ha ha ha ha. Poor Sunny, poor beautiful Sunny. He's just got so much love to give. Oh, he licked my hand for a second. Alex, do you want me to record? So I think Ivo had baked beans on his life.

I think Ivo, some chaotic element of his life just prior to the recording, that he had some baked beans on his hand. Yeah. And then like, and then, and then like Sunny came over and started licking Ivo's hand. So we were recording at Harrods. And he was barking so much upstairs that then I had to bring him down.

It was a horrible combination of your home record, loud barking and beans on the hand. So you listened to our episode about Father John Misty, a lovely episode with a dear old friend. a lovely episode with a dear old friend, but the star of the episode is Sunny, who's licking me all barking throughout the episode. And again, it's a compliment to be in a bit like the mosquitoes, Alex gets bitten by mosquitoes a lot, he's got delicious blood. Whether it was the beans or whether it was just some interspecies charm of my own. But even then it's like, at least if Alex is on the island with Sonny, you've got a sort of more pass-ag relationship. Whereas I'm probably, I'm eating it to stop myself

having sex with it. Harriet, I'm afraid to be honest. I'd like to imagine our editor... Is that staying in? Sorry, I should have left a longer gap to allow that to possibly be cut. If I could only cut one thing from the episode, it wouldn't be that. Can you say my podcast is dirty? This is outrageous. This is dirty. This is outrageous. I like to think that our editor, Will, uses that episode as like, you know, that if you

have like a showreel, like if he has an editing showreel, that it would be like, this is pre what I did. This is how much dog licking there is in the episode. And this is how much in the actual broadcast. Oh yeah. It was, it was a stunning job from Will. But you're saying that nothing's getting edited on this one? Fantastic.

I'm done. Look, I'm done. This is it. It's in a time capsule with what's going out. As I say, it's the Laverne warm up. Guys, thank you so much for coming on. So people can listen to Gigs Pigs. Harriet, with someone we knew less well, we would dance around that. But you have got

the seven letter name of our podcast wrong. You can listen to Gigs Pigs. Why would you want to? It's a labyrinthine. She's trying to be the attorney general thing of the attorneys general gigs. Maybe it's that, you know, maybe she's just, she's just chaos on a mic. And you know, thank you for inviting us into this studio, Harriet. But yeah, you can, if you want to listen to sort of longer versions of these sort of in-joke heavy riffs about bestiality, then sure, you can listen to Giggs Pigs, but why would you? I think the best episode of Giggs Pigs has been our guest appearance on Desert Island Dick.

Guys, thank you so much for coming on. So people can listen to Gigs Pigs. Harriet, with someone we knew less well, we would dance around that. But you have got the seven letter name of our podcast wrong. You can listen to Gigs Pigs. Why would you want to? It's the attorney general thing of the attorneys general gig pigs. Yeah, maybe it's that. You know, maybe she's just chaos on a mic. And, you know, thank you for inviting us into this studio, Harriet. But yeah, if you want to listen to sort of longer versions of these sort of in-joke heavy riffs about bestiality, then sure, you can listen to gigs pigs.

But why would you? I think the best episode of Giggs Pigs has been our guest appearance on Desert Island, Dick. Harriet Oates, that's a lovely view and if you'd like to recommend it to anyone, please get its name right. Thanks for coming on. lovely view and if you'd like to recommend it to anyone, please get its name right.