Desert Island Dicks - GILES PALEY-PHILLIPS

Episode Date: July 13, 2019

This week I'm joined by writer and podcaster Giles Paley-Phillips. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is podcaster and writer Giles Paley Phillips. Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm very well, thanks very much for having me on. No, thanks for coming in, I really appreciate it. It's a really warm day. Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm very well. Thanks very much for having me on. No, thanks for coming in. I really appreciate it. It's a really warm day.

Yeah, it's a lovely day. I'm sweating. I put a jumper on, which is real error. I know. I've got funny looks on the tube. People were like, what are you doing? Are you only wearing a jumper on the top? No, there is an undergarment.

Oh, you should definitely go to the undergarment. Why not? I don't know. It depends what it is. It's really nice. We're in a nice studio and it was air conditioning. I was like, ah,

and then they turned it off. Oh no. That's fine. We want it off though because otherwise it's going to make a worry. You get the noise in the background.

You see, you're a seasoned podcaster. You know about these things. Yeah. So Giles makes Blank Podcast. Obviously, I'll say that at the top. Oh, thank you.

Fantastic podcast. Amazing guest. We were just talking about going to Gary Lineker's house. That was very nice. Gary Lineker was a very nice man. Was he? Yeah.

I guess he's got a very nice house. He seemed really nice on the podcast. Yeah. And I hoped, but yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah. Well, you never know with these people, do you? Because you turn up and you think, oh, they're going to be all right. Especially like someone like Gary.

He's huge. Yeah. But yeah, he was totally down to earth and normal. Actually, most people we met on the podcast, they're just regular people. They've just got exciting jobs. Yeah. Okay. So I'm guessing Gary Lineker's not going to go on your island.

No. But should we dive in? Yeah, yeah. Who's going to be your first choice? Well, I think, I was thinking about this and I don't necessarily often see people as being dicks. No. You know, I like to see the best in people, really. I do too.

Yeah. And, you know, like on social media and stuff, I'm always usually quite positive. Well, I try to be very positive about it. Yeah, you are very positive on social media. Yeah, I think sickeningly so for some people. No, it's nice. It's refreshing.

Yeah, well, thank you for saying that. So, yeah, I was trying to feel better. So I think at the start, I want to put a bit of caveat in that, actually, although I'm suggesting these people are dicks, I do think that a bit of caveat in that actually, although I'm suggesting these people are dicks, I do think that a lot of these people have got some redeeming features and that actually I think that maybe they were having a bad day

or maybe they, you know, are having a bad month or maybe they were just, I think, no, I like to think that all of them have probably thought about the dickishness and have come to turn it around somehow. Okay, yeah. If that makes it around somehow. Okay, yeah. If that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I kind of, I'm not going for out and out dicks.

No, okay. Well, I thought you might be coming to that. So I'm really interested to hear who you've chosen. Okay, so first up, when I was starting secondary school, well, we're going to go way back. I really wanted to go to the secondary school in my town, but my brother had gone to a secondary school in a town like 12 miles away and had had a really good experience.

So him and my father thought it would be really good if I went there too, against my wishes. But you didn't want to go? I didn't want to go there because all my mates are going to the local secondary school. Yes, it didn't make sense. No, so... And also what it meant

was that I had to take a train journey in the mornings. Oh, yeah, okay. Which is just... Well, A, you had to get up earlier, which is always a pass. Yeah, yeah. And two, it was like

a half-hour train journey. So it was like an hour extra on the day. Yeah. At that age, that is a long time. Yeah, whereas the school in the town was only like a 10-minute walk away. So it was very day. Yeah. At that age, that is a long time. Yeah, whereas the school in the town

was only like a 10 minute walk away. It was very frustrating. So anyway, it comes to the first day and you know, you're really nervous about first day

of secondary school. Big school. Yeah. And it's a different town. Not going to know anyone. I had one other mate or I had a couple of other mates

but one really good mate that was going as well. And this is back in the days of national rail so it was before the privatization of the of the trains yeah um back in those beautiful days of the national rail and um which yeah the heady days where you could open the door and jump out yeah but um and i remember on the first day thinking like you know uh although this is pretty shit that i've got to understand it's also a bit of freedom it's about a time you know before school and everything got this freedom and i remember us getting on the train and in those days, train guards seemed to be a bit more,

I don't know, like they were a bit more, you'd notice them a bit more. Right, okay. They seemed to be a bit more discreet now. Yes. They sneak up on you, yeah. They sneak up on you.

But this particular train guard, he's going to be my first dick. Okay, yeah. Because he was the Gestapo. Really? Yeah. So, I mean, we called him, like, you know, the train Nazi. Yeah, yeah.

Because he was just this evil bastard. Really? Like, what kind of stuff? Well, he just clearly hated children. Right, okay. You know, and I don't know if he had some sort of, like, something in his life that wasn't quite he thought that you know he was just really horrible to us I'm getting the city he was

getting a kick out of this oh yeah absolutely yeah definitely I think it was that power yes he was and he was quite short guy little so it's that little man yes little man yeah and he just was just you know he just sort of stalked up and down the carriage oh no and when you said you know when you asked me to come on you said about what dicks he was the first person that popped into my head because he's got this distinct memory of this guy just being an utter bastard and just yeah and being a complete this guy just being an utter bastard. Really? Yeah, and being a complete dick. And just walking up and down the train, just, I don't know.

Lauding himself about, yeah. Yeah, and bollocking us and really checking our tickets as well. Oh, thorough. Forensically checking to make sure that we had the right tickets. Oh, God forbid someone didn't have a ticket and then it would make his day. Yeah, and there was occasions where people didn't have a ticket. Yeah. And, you know, you could see, he was almost like fucking creaming his pants. He loved it, yeah.

I've got such a picture of him. It's horrible. And he had all the gadgets as well. Like, I mean, he must have been, he was actually covered in different. Like a utility belt of stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. He had the whole works, you know. Yeah, like a utility belt, definitely. He had the whole works, you know. Oh, no. Yeah, utility belt, definitely.

He's like Batman. Yeah. And he had several different, like, punches. Yeah, yeah, ticket punches. And, yeah, he was just a complete dick. Oh, God, yeah. And he had a reputation. And he always seemed to be the guard.

And every time we got the training, it was always him. And you just thought, oh, fucking hell. Yeah, yeah yeah awful yeah I like you know these characters for some reason I've got this picture of like

a short Alfred Hitchcock looking guy yeah exactly just like parading the train just like trying to pick up

on reasons why these kids might be doing something wrong yeah I mean like as kids as well at that age you're gonna be mischievous

there's stupid stuff going on was it a boys' school? No, no, it was mixed. It was mainly, I mean, I think it was mostly boys at the time. But yeah, I mean, we weren't out and out. That's the thing, though. We weren't out and out bad kids.

Yes, right. So it made it even worse. What's the point? I just think he had this sort of bee in his bonnet about like, just I think he kind of made an assumption that we were just going to be like little shits. Oh, maybe it's happened before. Maybe previous years to you.

This is why I'm coming back to this idea that, you know. Maybe it's not his. Maybe he's not always a dick. Maybe it was just the circumstance and maybe it was some childhood trauma. So specifically at that moment in time in your life. It's fine. I love it when people pick people from their life and like you can all relate to that.

Everyone's had that, a version of that train garth. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, there is. And I think it's that kind of, you know, especially when you start something new, you know, you're nervous anyway. And then you just get this sort of, like, alpha male. Oh, you don't need that. It's just, yeah.

Mum's a dinner lady that was similar, right? And you're just like kids, and you're just like, you know, pretending to be Batman, but she just wants to ruin your day every day. Do you know what I mean? And her name was Mrs. Allen, and they called her Alien Allen. I unfortunately don't know the name of this guard.

I don't remember. I probably did know it but I can't. I've erased it from my memory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in there somewhere. It's gone. Okay.

So train guard's going to be... Train guard is definitely number one. Number one. Okay, so... And also he'd be awful on a desert island, I think. Wouldn't he? He'd be parading around

like making sure that you'd built a fire in the right way. Yeah. Just, I don't know. Looking for reasons to bollock you all the time. Yeah. You haven't done that. You haven't done this.

So I think he'd be just an awful person to be on an island with. Okay. So train guard's going to be your first choice. Thank you very much, Giles. No worries. Who's going to be your second choice? Well, number two is, moving on.

I think when you're a teenager everybody's a dick aren't they really apart from your period peer group of friends particularly adults they're just they're fucking dicks you know like yeah you kind of don't like anybody even like i remember groups groups of you and your mates if there was another group that were into the same stuff as you but they weren't your mates. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Like you probably would have got on famously, but you know. Yeah.

And then like, I have become friends with those other people. Yeah, because it makes sense. And they probably thought I was a right guy. Yeah. But yeah, but certainly authoritarian. Obviously, this is going to be a bit of a thing. Yeah. But authoritarian kind of figure. So the train guard.

Then it was my art teacher. Now, I loved art. Now, I admit now, I was not very academic. I didn't really do very well at school. Generally, I was quite disruptive. Okay. I just didn't, I don't know. You don't give off this air.

What happened? Yeah, I turned over a new leaf. I wasn't a bad kid, but I was just kind of, I think, I just didn't get school. I just didn't. No, it just didn't make sense. No, I just didn't enjoy it. And so, yes, I was a little bit strung. I was often on like class report and things like that.

So maybe I built myself up a bit of a reputation. But in art, art was one of those lessons I really loved, you know, because I was okay at it. It wasn't brilliant. I wasn't the best artist, but it was something where I could express myself a bit more. Yeah. It's different to normal lessons. Of course, yeah, yeah.

And it was a much more relaxed atmosphere and all that kind of thing. You could kind of talk and all that kind of stuff. But this one art teacher, Mr. Warwin James. Oh, by name. He's double-barreled, so he's like, I think he sees me as double-barreled so he's like he i think he's he sees me as double-barreled and there's obviously a conflict yes yeah i know you're about to say i was about

to say interesting this where are you going right yeah yeah okay no but he's just like oh you're double-barreled you're double-barreled too okay so i'm gonna single you out a little bit i don't know why i mean i don't know why i'm making that assumption. No, no, yeah. Anyway, so I used to love art and doing art and everything. And I wasn't destructive. That was one of the lessons why I wasn't very destructive. You know, I was actually, you know, well-behaved and just gone with it, you know. But he had this thing, and he only did it with me.

And I don't know if it's because I'd built up a reputation in the staff room or something. Okay. That right okay it was a nightmare okay i'm not gonna take that from yeah anyway and so he would he'd single me out on our table right and he'd say this is what yeah this is giles Charles Paley Phillips, control your table. Not really. So he basically make me be the custodian for the table, right? And even at the time, I remember thinking that was a dickish move. But now I think it's even more a dickish move

because he was basically making me, he was making me be the cunt on the table the yeah totally yeah yeah so I had to make sure that our table was not misbehaving and so if they weren't so then it was I was recommended by him and then they all thought I was so you're the girl yeah yeah yeah so so every art lesson it was this I could never really do my work because I was always worried about everyone else

like pissing about and I think also my people on the table were like okay yeah we can we can screw him over

with this one oh right okay so there was this kind of balance between me not wanting to for them to think that I was an arsehole

and then me trying to uh keep control and then yeah and then he must have learned this strategy like teaching college maybe university this is how you do it take down the that guy by making him responsible for everyone else so yeah but he didn't do it then the other time the day. It was just me. Did he sit on a particularly naughty table? No. No, but I think they... The people on the table thought, yeah, it was a license now for us to like...

Right, I'm having this. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no. Which I guess we probably all would do. God, you're making me remember school. I don't think I think about school ever. No, I'm sorry. It's a nightmare, isn think about school ever. I know, I'm sorry. It's a nightmare, isn't it, really?

I know, it's horrible. Yeah, all these horrible memories coming back. But that is one thing that's always stuck in my mind, this kind of idea that he would... Was he not like this with anyone else? I don't remember him being... Maybe he was. Maybe he was.

Maybe every year group there was one particular student. But it was definitely in my group. Really? Yeah. I wonder why it turned on you then. I don't know. It can't just be double barrel. But yeah, maybe.

It's not the competitive double barrel thing. I know. Maybe then, maybe, yeah, word got around the staff room that you were the one that had to be controlled. You've got to clamp down. What kind of an animal were you when you were a kid? I wasn't, look, I'm probably patting myself out to be this really disruptive guy.

When I say I was a bit like annoying. I wasn't like, I wasn't like bad. I was never like, I was never like put in isolation. I wasn't that bad. I was occasionally put on report, but then that was generally, it was just. Were you talkative? Were you like, yeah.

Yeah, and it was sort of like a little bit piss-taking again just playing up a little bit yeah but yeah you got tired with that brush yeah exactly i think also what i was saying earlier about my brother went to the same school okay he was a really good student waser? And then I think, yeah. So I think you automatically get singled out a little bit. Okay. In that, I guess they just thought I'd be this. Oh, you know, if you've got siblings, you know that everyone's different. But I think they thought, oh, yeah. Sorry, did you say he was good or not?

He was good. He was really good. He was really good. So they were expecting you to be the same. Well, I guess they thought, yeah, that he was good, be well behaved, good student, diligent. But maybe they decided that you're like, oh, I can never live up to this guy.

Yeah, he's like, yeah, I mean, he was like the ultimate student. Yeah, okay. I don't think he was that great. No, okay. Oh, right, okay. But I think it was just the behavior, maybe the behavior thing. And I think it was just the behaviour maybe the behaviour thing and I mean

like I think okay I was probably really fucked off from being on the train I know I got into school and I was just like

oh come on but what I'm thinking is like is there something you didn't realise like were you the naughty one on the train

and you just don't know do you know what I mean now I'm trying to think no I was definitely well behaved on the train right I can imagine him coming down there and the way that you're describing yourself, you're just staring him down as he came down.

Don't you dare come here. Okay, so what was the name of the art teacher? Mr. Warwin James. Now, I've seen him in recent years. He lives not far from me and he seems like a very nice, he just goes rambling and stuff. He seems like a nice old guy. And like I say,

I feel kind of slightly, maybe it was just circumstance. And I was thinking, do you know what? If I had a room full of 30 kids, maybe I would be, you know, frustrated.

He goes rambling. He sounds like a nice guy. He's probably really nice. He's got his like badges stuck to his stick. You know, like they do. They collect them as they go around. He has.

He's got all those. Has he? He's printed up to the max on his stick. You know, like they do. They collect them as they go around. He has. He's got all those. Has he? He's printed up to the max on his sticks. Okay, but him at that moment in time, along with the transporter, this is an awful island so far. Again, I was also thinking, right, if I'm on the island

and I want to do a bit of artwork, he's going to... Oh, yeah, he's going to severely criticise or put you off. Exactly, yeah. I'm not going to enjoy it. I'm not going to enjoy my time. What are you doing with those shells there, Joel? Yeah. Look, control those off. Yeah, I'm not going to enjoy it. I'm not going to enjoy my time. What are you doing with those shells there, Giles?

Yeah. Look, control those shells. Yeah. Okay, cool. So art teacher's going to be a second choice. Giles, who's going to be a third choice? Okay, third choice. I don't know if you normally go slightly more dark on these things.

Oh, wow. Okay. No, we definitely do. I'm going to choose my dad dad yeah interesting yeah okay um i'll tell you why i'm gonna choose my dad he's not he's no longer with us unfortunately so um sorry to hear that no no it's okay um well even up into his shoe no he was being a dick um well i'll tell you why we'll do that bit first then we'll go let's do that yeah um he wanted to be buried right right well and if anyone's had like a relative that um it's a real rigmarole getting someone buried okay none of our other family members have been buried they've all been cremated I've got the word

no I've all been cremated it's much it's a much simpler process okay yeah being buried is a real arse you have to buy the plot of land and get it like registered and everything and all that kind of stuff and it's just a real rigmarole then you've got to like get you know you've got i mean the cemetery where i live is i mean you've got to get the coffin all the way it's a fucking long way yeah and then anyway so i remember thinking why why have we got to do this and my brother said well he wished he wanted it like that and i was like i do we do we though i mean he's not here i mean i'm not i'm not religious i'm not thinking you know uh do does do we really? I mean, he's not here. I mean, I'm not, I'm not religious. I like thinking, you know, do, does,

do we really need to bury him? I mean, is that essential? I mean, will he remember, will he know, you know, and he said,

but that's what his wishes were. And I guess, you know, obviously like you think, well, okay, that was his wishes. But I do remember thinking on the day of his funeral,

oh man, this is typical dad. Yeah. Like he's really like put us around the ringer with this one. So work backwards then. So that's, that's the first thing. No, I'll tell you what it is. I have a great affection for my dad,

but the reason why I'm picking him to be as a dip because he wasn't the best dad around. Right, okay. He was a brilliant person and really eccentric. So around the town where we used to live, he was really well known he was in he was a like a local counselor he really liked to drink so he was well known his nickname was champagne Charlie right because he would have a he'd have a pint of Guinness with the champagne would he oh my god which is outrageous because we never had much money

now I've been late in life I've wondered why we didn't have much money because you're having champagne chasers

yeah anyway so he had this reputation he was like larger than life I remember when we used

to go to church when I was little and he would rock up after obviously been like on a heavy night and he had a

great voice but it's like tenor voice and he would boom out across everybody and drown out everybody. He sings like Pavarotti singing in your local church. But yeah, he was eccentric. He was always found. I'm pointing him out to be a really interesting character.

He was. interesting character and he was and he'd always be found in local Morrisons at precisely like sort of 10 to 8 just before they're closed rifling through all the

reduced items yeah okay yeah and then he would he'd buy loads of these and then he would take them to the pub and give them

to all his mates like a kind of weird Santa Claus like a weird santa like the santa claus of yeah of reduced items um but he just did all these weird stuff interesting thing to do yeah yeah bizarre yeah very bizarre i don't know why he did it every night um did he yeah every night do that but we didn't see him much because he was he was always out he was always out always at the bar

drinking and so we didn't really factor much in his life and that's why I'm kind of yes because potentially he could have been

an amazing dad and been an amazing person to hang around with but unfortunately he just didn't really hang out with us enough

so I think this is one of the saddest things that anyone's ever told me on this podcast well I didn't wonder whether out with us enough. I think this is one of the saddest things that anyone's ever told me on this podcast. Well, I didn't wonder whether to do it enough, but I thought sometimes, you know, you just have to get that stuff out there. But yeah, I think, yeah.

I don't want people to think I don't have, I have got affection for him. And, you know, there is a part of me that, you know, really misses him. But at the same time, I mean, my brother talked about this a lot. I mean, he was a bit more of a dick to my brother than me, actually. And I think my brother would agree that this is a, he would be a good choice as a dick.

But, yeah, I do have an affection for him. I mean, we had some funny times. But it's like things like we, he would take me to the, we'd go to the cricket, right? So he was big into cricket. And we would go to watch Sussex play because we were from Sussex. And we'd go to the cricket all right so he was big into cricket and we would go to watch Sussex play because we're from Sussex and we go to Eastbourne and then we get there and then he'd just be gone and be like where and I'd be sitting in a few hours later but I went where is he and then I find him in the pavilion we just been like been like he'd just been in there just drinking yeah

yeah just abandoned you know abandoned us at the uh okay now look i know it's your dad right but you've brought up and uh like come on you can't do that just leave your kids up in the stand on their own while you go off and well quite yeah exactly okay now i do get it so yeah so yeah but i think it's because of the potential he had such potential i have he memories of him do make me laugh and i think it's that potential and again going back to what i've chosen as people that could have redeeming features yes that is kind of why i want to put my dad as a dick because okay yeah i think he potentially he could have been like the best dad in the world but unfortunately he fell well

short of being and like oh god forgive me no no coming out my mouth so you're you're on the island oh god i sound so pathetic saying this now do you know i'm gonna feel bad like saying it because it's your dad um but you've put him there yeah you've crashed on the island and you're like like he's there at the start and you're like like where's where's he gone and uh and you're like you're looking around and eventually you find him and he's like made a makeshift tiki bar and he's like making his own cocktails at a coconut for some reason i think there's like so there's like a stash of rum on the island yes like you know like a yeah so there's crates of rum and he's in the middle of them and yeah

like Jack Sparrow he's amongst it yeah and like like Captain Jack at least then you know you can go and check on him

while you're building the raft and he'll still he'll be in the cargo hold in the shade just like drinking his way through the rum do you know what I mean he will have made mates

with art teacher and inspector they would have loved him. Yes. Yeah, yeah. They'd be like, he'd be coming up with some genius anecdotes and that thing is hilarious. In our toilet at home, our old toilet, we haven't got room in our new toilet,

we had loads of pictures of my dad with various celebrities. He used to always go up to these clubs in London and stuff and get himself pictured with various people. So there's one with Muhammad Ali. Wow. Just random, like politicians and stuff. Yeah. There's one with Margaret Thatcher as well.

Anyway, just really random stuff. And so this was what I mean. He had like these kind of weird, this kind of weird life. And then, but yeah. Okay. There we go. Okay, fine. All right.

Okay. Third choice is going to be your dad. Yeah. Interesting. Sorry, I've taken it to a new... I felt really sad, but I do get it. I've got a granddad who's exactly the same and a mum who, if she listens to this, would just be nodding in agreement the entire time. I think a lot of people probably have that.

Yeah. Over a close relative or a distant relative. Who's just like very similar. Yeah. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Who's just like very similar. Yeah. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts

offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, this is where it gets light.

Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay. Food. Food first.

I'm not really a very fussy person, actually. I eat most things. But there's one thing I don't like, which is always quite a controversial one in our house because everybody else likes it and it's marzipan oh marzipan yeah

marzipan yeah marzipan this is the weird okay I'm just going to hazard a guess that you didn't listen to last week's podcast I haven't listened to it yet no don't worry about it

yeah I had a comedian Brodie Sn, and she picked her dad. Really? For different reasons. Food choice, marzipan. Oh, my goodness. Would you believe it? Me and Brodie, like this.

Two weeks in a row. Yeah, you need to listen to it. I'm going to message her. Yeah, you should. Yeah, marzipan. I don't know what is the consistency, the taste. It's just the whole package. No.

It just doesn't do it for me. It's bizarre. We were saying last week, I was like, what is this? And I whether it's the consistency, the taste. It's just the whole package. No. This doesn't do it for me. It's just bizarre. We were saying last week, I was like, what is this? And I think it's almond. Well, yeah. Yeah. But almonds taste fine. Yeah, I love almonds.

So what's wrong with, like, why are there most... Do you say almonds? Because some people say almonds, don't they? No, I say almond. I say almond. Yeah. Which is, do you think one's posher? I guess, yeah.

If you say almond, I don't know. Do you know, it's one of those things, it's one of those words like scone and scone where the more you say it, right, the posher you sound, saying the one that you think is the posher. Almond. Almond. Well, I don't even...

Almond. Almond, yeah, I say almond. Drop the L. Yeah. Almond. Oh, like A-R. It's like A-almond, yeah. R, R, R?

Oh, it's more like almond. Almond, yeah, I don't know. It's more like a-armond. Armond. Yeah. I don't know. Almond. Almond. Or almond. So there's three, is there three ways of saying it? Maybe it depends on where you are in the country or the world.

And I think also if someone says it first, then you end up saying it the same way. Well, I can't fucking remember how I say it now because we've debated it so much. Almond. Yeah, that's it. Exactly the same. Almond so much. Almond. Yeah, that's it. Exactly the same. Yeah, almond. Okay, almond. Yeah.

So it's almond. Yeah, which I like almonds. I have no problem with almonds at all. But marzipan is disgusting. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you agree because, like I say, my wife loves it. Does she? Yeah, she loves this stuff.

I've never met anyone that loves marzipan. Yeah, she loves Battenberg. See, Battenberg. See, the sponge bit, I'm fine with that. It's the bloody marzipan yeah she loves Battenberg see Battenberg see the sponge bit I'm fine with that it's the bloody Marzipan around yeah it's like

it's like I think I said last week it's like icing shit cousin or something yeah it's just like why would you

you would never choose it over icing would you no delicious icing yeah I mean it's like wedding cakes and that always

lathered in fucking Marzipan ruined and Christmas cakes sometimes yeah these nice fruit cakes Wedding cakes and that are always lavered in fucking marzipan. It's ruined. And Christmas cakes sometimes, haven't they got marzipan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are these nice fruit cakes and you just ruin it by putting a lump of marzipan on it. Yeah. Also, you know, going back to the island, you've crashed on this island and you open

the cargo hold and you're like, what can I eat here? And they've just got a massive slab of marzipan. I know. That would be... In the heat. Oh. It'd be disgusting. Warm marzipan then. Yeah. Warm marzipan. I know. That would be... In the heat. Oh. It'd be disgusting. Warm marzipan then.

Yeah. Warm marzipan. I mean, it's just gross. Wouldn't it be gross? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'd probably use it for something else. Maybe make something with it.

Yeah. Okay. And bind some twigs together like that. You could. Yeah. Use it like glue. It wouldn't work on a raft, would it? No.

No. It'd just be there. At least you'd be able to... And it would stink as well. Oh, it'd be horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. It's a justified choice.

It's disgusting. I mean, I'd rather just die on the island than use that as a raft to escape. Absolutely. Yeah. Not so much I hate it. Yeah. Did you have a bad experience as a kid?

I don't know. I don't think so. I think it's just... Because like I say, I'm not fussy at all, really. I mean, I will eat most things, but yeah. Marzipan. No, I just never remember like it. I remember like being at people's houses

or whatever, and there might be a cake or something that's got marzipan on as a kid, and you know when you're a kid and you can just do these kind of things and I was just like, don't like that. People's parents must have hated me. The Battenberg comment, you think, oh, this could be nice. It's got a fucking marzipan on it. Okay, marzipan, that goes in the eye of the grand that's going.

What's going to be your drink choice? Well, another thing that I always feel disappointed with is fruit teas. Oh, yeah, a fruit tea. Because I love the smell of a fruit tea. Yeah, yeah, a fruit tea. Because I love the smell of a fruit tea. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, when I'm on like health kicks, which, you know, I regularly am, you pick out the fruit teas, don't you?

You say, oh, I'll have that. That's like detox. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's meant to be good for you. Yeah. And you think, and you boil up the kettle and you've got the tea bag sort of, you sort of sniff.

I don't know, I just think that sniff the tea bag. It smells nice. You put it in the cup and then your kettle boils and we've got, we've just got one of these stove kettles now. Oh nice,

fancy. It feels proper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we've got an induction hob

which sounds great. Oh my God, this is great. We're living the dream. And then, yeah, so it boils up, you pour it in

and you, the, what's that stuff called? Steam. Yeah. The steam rises up from the cup and it goes, you know, floats into your nostrils. This is going to be so nice.

It smells sweet and delicious. This red bush and honey eucalyptus. Nice, yeah. Orange and cinnamon thing, yeah. Yeah, this is going to be really good because it smells amazing. And then you drink that stuff. It's awful.

Yeah, it's just boring. It's nothing. It's just no flavour. It's just nothing. It's like bleh. Yeah, yeah. Because it smells so sweet, right? Yeah.

And it's got such promise. And you look on the box, it's so vibrant looking. it's got such promise and you look on the the box is so vibrant looking and you're looking at the brew and even the brew's got a nice color to it and you're thinking this is going to be so sweet and unless you put sugar in that thing it's not i end up putting milk in it yeah do you get a different flavor yeah to get something in there well like i'm the type of person that's been like i've bought these i'm gonna have to drink them now that's the thing yeah i mean luckily a lot of them only come in like boxes of 20 yeah yeah at least i've only got into your 20 t-bar yeah yeah

yeah um but yeah invite people around and you're like but i don't want to try these exactly well yeah i've got shit loads of these things in the cupboards I mean honestly the cupboards are absolutely rammed with various different flavours every time I go and think

oh do you know what I'm going to drink less coffee this week I'm going to get on that yeah and that fruit tea stuff because everyone's telling me how bad it is

to have coffee every day and then tea's bad for your teeth and all sorts you know and it's like I just can't there's no point it's like, I just can't.

There's no point. It's like someone said to me, oh, why don't you try drinking a low alcohol beer or whatever? And I'm like, well, no, because I don't want that. Do you know what I mean? It's like, what's the point? Like, it's never going to live up to a nice coffee or a decent tea. Also, on the island, do you need that much disappointment every day?

Exactly. And you don't want a hot drink. Oh, it would be. I, on the island, do you need that much disappointment every day? Exactly. And you don't want a hot drink. Oh, it would be. I'd drink the sea. You would. Wouldn't you just? Yeah. It's like rather just vomit constantly. Well, I guess I'd be using seawater to make this tea.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Filtering it through some like, oh, God, it's so much effort to drink like tea that I don't like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just. No, I'm with you. I just like, I've tried in the past.

You know what I mean? I've tried to be like a classy guy and have these fruit teas. Yeah. Just can't do it. No, and I've tried so many as well. Have you? Yeah, I'm going to say.

You're really committed to it. Because I think this was the one. Yeah. This is going to be the one. The ginger and lemon pucker one is going to be, this is going to be it. Yeah, yeah. And it's the same fucking disappointment every time. Yeah, yeah. And it's the same fucking disappointment

every time. Yeah, yeah. No matter how you brew it, whether it's on an induction hob or not. Oh, that makes no difference. I thought it might. I agreed to the kettle,

the induction kettle with my wife because I thought this is it. This is like camping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is going to be like the best we can possibly get.

Classy. No chance. No. Okay. Giles, fruity teas going on the island. Thank you. Thank you very much. Now, fortunately for you, you won't be about entertainment on the island. As these things go, the plane's entertainment system continues to work.

But just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they, and why are they so bad? Okay. Okay. Okay. I've not thought long and hard about the film. Right. Because there's so many rubbish ones.

I used to have a DVD. So I got a lot of movie. I'm a real film buff. Okay. Loads of movies at home. And I remember thinking to myself once that I was going to buy the worst movie of all time. Okay.

And have it on the shelf and put a little warning sticker on it. That's cool. Yeah, I like that. When people came around, they were like, you know, if we had people over, they wanted to watch a film or something, they would know not to go there. And the film was Showgirls. Showgirls.

Have you ever seen that movie? No, no, no. What happens? Okay. So not a lot happens. Right. It's about a stripper that's trying to make it in hollywood right okay and it's got um a tale for the ages yeah right you know it's got elizabeth

now get her name right she's right do you remember saved by the bell yep okay now do you remember the character with the big curly hair who el, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the character, yeah, but I don't know her name at all. She was the one who got addicted to caffeine pills in one of those episodes of Saved. Do you remember that episode? No. There was a critical episode of Saved by the Bell where she had an exam and she got addicted to Pro Plus.

Right, okay. And it was just kind of like, it was like the saved by the bell equivalent of the just say no campaign. Right. It was on Grange Hill. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I was just like different,

like Zamo was on like heroin and she was on like pro plus. Which is like classic. Yeah. So anyway, she's this kind of stripper and she's trying to make it and she kind of gets in with this producer guy,

which is Karl McLaughlin. And there's, the best bit in it is this hilarious sex scene in a swimming pool where she sort of thrives around like a flopping, basically like a fish

that's fallen onto the, out of the sea. Yeah. And it's flip-flopping around on the side. Oh. Yes, it's this sort of like bizarre sex scene.

Is it well-known, bizarre sex scene? It's well, very well-known. I'm going to have to Google it, but I might have to tell my wife before I search it so she doesn't see it. But it's renowned as being one of the worst movies of all time.

Really? And it is one of the worst movies of all time. I mean, the acting is horrendous. Okay. What year are we talking here? I mean, 90s. I mean, I'm thinking 97 maybe. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Do I go away and watch this because I should see it or do I afford it all costs? I don't need, you need to because, you know, some films are so bad, you know, they're the good. Yeah. I mean, like Human Centipede. Oh, right, yes. Which is a bad movie.

Like, you should watch it just for, because, you know. Oh, I've seen it. It's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Transformers, you know know there's some moments yeah i think show girls you need to watch at all no okay just don't go near it no wow that bad yeah i mean is this i can't think of any redeeming features in it and as a film buff like you've seen a lot of films right and this is the worst by far i think this is the worst by far i mean i this is the worst by far.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, your listeners might be able to say different things. Okay, yeah, yeah. But I think... Do tweet us. Yeah, because I think it's seriously got to be one of the worst. I mean, I don't know what its Rotten Tomatoes score is. It must be pretty low, actually.

Okay, yeah. Have a look. But I think it's got to be renowned as being one of the worst movies. Really? It's certainly one of the... It is the worst movie. Do you know what? Almost certainly on the train home today, I'm going to look at a montage on YouTube.

There's got to be best clips. The sex scene in it is classic. Okay, yeah. I'm going for that straight away. Okay, Showgirls. Showgirls. Film choice. And what's going to be your song?

Now, in recent years, James Blunt has been very self-deprecating on social media, and I have to applaud him for that. He's become quite a comedy character. Like, you know, he's really found his feet on Twitter. He has. And I admire him for that. But that song, you know what I'm going to say, aren't you? Yeah.

You're beautiful. Oh, no. Is vomit in Jesus. It's terrible. Yeah. To think that that is the launch pad. Yeah. Isn't it?

I know. It's almost unbelievable. It's mad. There is obviously clearly a demographic that love it. It's like an anthem. It's got to be people. So have been people's wedding songs and all sorts. So your first dance.

Definitely. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. And that first bit where he says, my life is brilliant. Right. Yeah. Well, he says that on its own um i instantly think that my how bad my life is

being in the moment of listening to that song it's just like who like is that coming on the radio anymore i guess radio 2 must spin it every now and again one must be spinning yeah yeah heart or something i mean i guess you know it's i mean fair play to james must have been the number Heart or something, maybe. I mean, I guess, you know, it's... I mean, fair play to James. Must have been a number one or something, wasn't it? I think... I guess so. Yeah.

It seems to have stood the test of time somehow. Yeah. It still pops up. You still hear it. Because, like, he's quite a, you know... I wouldn't say it was a heartthrob. Do you know what I mean? But is it... Lothario. Wow. But maybe he was a heartthrob. Do you know what I mean? But is he?

Lothario. Wow. But maybe he is. Maybe this is the thing. What am I missing? Well, I don't know if it's this, because he's quite rugged, isn't he? Because he's ex-army, isn't he, I think. Yes.

Okay. And some would say, I don't agree with this statement, but some would say maybe the voice of an angel. You can't keep that up at all. That was amazing. Some people would say. I mean, I can't think of any of his other songs, to be honest with you.

But I'd say he was very of the time. So he had a look of the time. Yes. Do you know what I mean? He might have been in flip-flops with some like the baggy jeans and you know an open billabong shirt he's a naughty very naughty very naughty slightly long shaggy hair mmm I mean if he still has rocks that haircut I don't I haven't seen him around yes okay but that song is Okay. But that song,

is it called? More specifically that song. I think it's called You're Beautiful. It's got to be. It's got to be. I mean, if it's not, I wonder if it's called

something completely different than that. I'd love it if it was. Yeah. It'd be more interesting. Wouldn't it? But it's just that, what it, honestly,

as soon as he says, that man has, I mean, he says it separately, doesn't he, at the beginning? I think he says it separately doesn't he at the beginning I think he says something yeah

I don't know what the context is I mean I haven't the first lyric it's the first lyric yeah it's the first lyric my life is brilliant so we can all do

my life is brilliant my love is brilliant it's like isn't it and actually there's a bit that they leave out on the radio and it's something like about

oh because I think on the album version, he says, I was fucking high, instead of flying high. Oh, wow. Yeah, he has a swear in it. Oh, my. So he's quite edgy then. You know, he's just an edgy guy. It reminds me of...

He's fucking high, did he say? I think he said, because there's a bit, and he says, she could see, I and he says she could see I know this she could see from my face that I was and the radio says flying high

but on the album version it says fucking high right so he'd been getting high he's on the doobies he's been getting stoned all day long

that's brilliant I know I'm just stoned really stoned so and so is he saying she's beautiful through sort of... He's high.

What I mean is he's like beer goggles. Yeah. Yeah. Through like a ganja-filled haze. That's what he was saying. I wondered if it was written on a ganja-filled haze. Maybe it was. Yeah, so maybe James Bond's slightly filthier than we...

Yeah, I mean, you know, drug-taking. I know. Sitting in a whole new light now yeah I've only listened to the radio edit obviously but I mean yeah

okay so that song yeah that would be pretty torturous for me yeah on repeat forever it's your only option you want to hear music Giles

and that's all you've got I want to well no you're like I'd like some music in my life how bad could it be I mean I'm thinking the worst day possible was sitting on the hot Well, no, you're like, I'd like some music on my life. How bad could it be?

I mean, I'm thinking the worst day possible was sitting on the hot, I mean, I'm not very good with the heat, hot Sandy Reach, chewing on Marzipan, listening to James Bond, with my dad getting pissed in the background. It's not good. Yeah, awful. Yeah. Okay.

Thanks for making me think of this joke. I know, I'm really sorry. Yeah. Okay, we're almost through to the other side. No worries. Charles, now finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Again, I thought long and hard about this. I thought about it could be quite a controversial choice.

That was the dolphin. Dolphin? Yeah. Wow, what a dolphin. Dolphin? Yeah. Wow. What a dolphin. Well, they're a little pretentious, aren't they? I've had this conversation before.

I had this conversation with Ben Bailey-Smith on our podcast about the pretentiousness of dolphins. Why are they so pretentious? Well, you know, it's like,

I love me. Right, okay. I'm so clever. I'm so brilliant. And I think they're probably little fuckers. Yeah, okay.

Do you think so? Yeah. They're not all like Flipper. They're not all going around helping people. No, okay. So I think, you know, I think they're slightly taking the piss out of us. I've never thought this about a dolphin. Is it because they're so clever?

Probably, yeah. Because they say they're as smart as we are. Yeah. Right? And I think they think we're dumb. Right, okay. Yeah, I think they think we're dumb. You want to get in here and swim about when you could be up there? Yeah. we are. Yeah. Right? And I think they think we're dumb. Right, okay. I think they think we're dumb. You want to get in here and swim about

when you could be up there? Morons. Yeah. What am I pulling you about? Exactly. Yeah. It's almost like they're going along with it. Like, oh, yeah, okay.

Okay, great. Yeah. Now pay me in fish. Yeah, basically. Yeah, basically. They do it ironically. Right, okay. You know, oh, yeah,

you can have a ride on the back of my beard. Really, what you don't realise is you're making us stronger and then when we come out of the sea you've just built us exactly a muscle fish exactly yeah

the war's coming yeah the war of us versus the dolphins is that why yeah they're banding together there's something going on down there okay yeah

I've never seen a suspicious side to a dolphin really well you need to but I've never met one no I haven a dolphin, really. Well, you need to, yeah. But I've never met one. No, I haven't seen one up close. I haven't said that. I think back in the horrible days when they used to display, do dolphin displays, because I lived near Brighton and the Sea Life Centre,

which I don't think was called that in those days, used to do displays of the dolphin stuff, which is horrible. Even back then I remember thinking it wasn't very nice because, you know, they're in a small pool and stuff. Yeah. But I do think, you know, they remember those times. Yeah. Do you think so?

Yeah, yeah. And they're going to get us back one day. Yeah, they are. And too right, to be fair, I guess. Yeah. We deserve it. Yeah. Some of us do.

I've never had anyone pick a dolphin on this before. No, because people love dolphins. I know. I'm probably being a bit harsh. And like everything leads to them just being quite sweet and nice. Yeah, and they sort of did that nice clacky sound and yeah. Yeah, okay. I did watch Flipper as a child.

I do have fond memories of Flipper. What did it do to you? I just think, yeah, I just think there's an arrogance about that. Okay. All right, dolphins are going to be animal choice. Maybe you're on this island and you try to escape and the dolphins are going to surround you after hearing this.

Fuck you, mate. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Drag him down, boys. We've just had a conversation with your dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take him down. Giles, thank you so much for coming in.

Well, no, it's been a pleasure and thank you very much for having me on. Giles, so you do a fantastic podcast called Blank Bob. Please tell the listeners about your podcast. Oh, well, yes, it's Blank Podcast. We are out every Wednesday on all the podcast platforms. Yeah, we talk to pretty well-known guests about their lives, their early lives and careers. And then, yeah, there's Blank Moments.

So that's obviously always interpretive. So it could be, you know, if you always interpretive so it could be you know um if you're a writer it could be having trouble with creativity or we've had sports people on who've you know talked about loss of form or um and we've had politicians and and so all sorts of different people from all different walks of life um but yeah generally you know people talk about personal things in their life that have gone possibly gone gone wrong and how they've kind of got over those moments. So yeah, it's a real pleasure to sit and talk to some, you know, people that are heroes of ours, you know, every week. Really interesting chats.

Thank you. Yeah. Cool. That's great. And if people want to find you, where can they find you? Social media? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you can find me on, I'm on Twitter, etc. It's Eli is tender. Ten. And then, yeah, the Blank Pod, at Blank Pod. So yeah, you's Eli is tender 10. And then yeah, the blank pod at blank pod. So yeah, you can find us on Instagram and Twitter and all those places. We don't do Snapchat.

We're too old for that. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who does Snapchat? Not me. Kids.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Well, thank you so much, Charles. Thank you. Bye.