Desert Island Dicks - GLENN MOORE

Episode Date: October 24, 2019

Comedian Glenn Moore joins me to share who and what he'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today

is comedian Glenn Moore. Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm very well, thanks. Good, thanks for coming in. Thank you for having me. I'm nervous about slandering anyone. I realise that this is the complete crux of the show.

I know, yeah. It's dangerous. We tread a thin line, but it's not live. Yeah, that's the main thing. I can edit this. Yeah, and the main thing is I can now sit in dread for a few weeks wondering what will make it in. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to put it out tonight,

so you don't have that long to wait. Great. But likelihood is anything I say that's offensive, I'll take out and I'll just leave everything you say. That's not true. Glenn, how did you find choosing your three people for the island? They came fairly quickly. When I first heard about the podcast, I thought one immediately came to mind of like, all right, if I was stranded on a desert island, that would be my person.

And then the rest came within about an hour of you inviting me on. They are things that I think about regularly. Really? In terms of like not just the people, but like the song, the food, that sort of thing. They are things that like, if anyone were to ask me what my worst thing of any category is, I can usually like, I'm obsessed with people's worst and least favorite things. I'm always delighted to find like what the worst thing anyone has ever smelt is or anything like that. I just think there's always such a funny story behind most people's.

This podcast sounds ideal for you. Absolutely. I'm not a person filled with hate, but I've just got one of each thing that I do hate. I think a lot of people do, and I love hearing them. Same as you. So let's dive in. Who's going to be your first choice? So first choice is I'm going to, it's not a, so it's Dominic Cooper.

It's the actor Dominic Cooper. Okay, yeah. He was the one who sprang to mind immediately. Now, and I only say him because I don't want it to seem like an attack or anything sort of slanderous or anything like that. However, and it's only because he's very, very famous and very successful, but I don't want it to seem like an attack or anything sort of slanderous or anything like that. However, and it's only because he's very, very famous and very successful that I wouldn't want this, if he ever

heard this, to bring him down in any way because I do respect his choice of career, if not the way he's gone about it. So I've got, my issue is with when you have a very theatre reactor on screen.

And I'm sure the argument goes the other way, that if you've got someone who's like a proper sort of like movie star being on stage, we might be a bit too minimalist for you to be able to really appreciate. But I feel like when Dominic Cooper's on screen, he plays to a theatre audience who are at the back of the theatre that doesn't exist. And it's like if someone said, now you need to be angry,

he's gone, right, what is the most acting I can do in my face right now? And it's like every time Dominic Cooper acts, it's like he's teaching a child what emotions are. So that you know what, like, right, this is me happy. And it's got like the most broad, terrifying grin you've sort of ever seen. Or it's like now you're playing someone who's suave and sort of like got one eyebrow raised. Right, okay.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it's like if it was a party game of just, it's like he's playing charades and the character he's been given as a character is in the film. Okay, okay. He's trying to convey, it's like,

it's charades, but he's been given an emotion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so it's like if he ever, God forbid, got given the role of James Bond, that it's like someone's gone, he's been given James Bond in charades and he's just sort of acting it out and he's using his fingers as a gun

even though the props department have offered him one. I don't think he ever would because he did play, and I'm very up to date with his back catalogue, he did play Mr. Fleming himself in a TV show that I think was just called Fleming. And that's when I first noticed, because it was in the trailer, I just sort of thought, you look ridiculous.

What was he doing? He was in a casino and throwing the chips towards the camera and like staring down the lens as if to be, I am playing a confident and rich man now. It was just like, it made me so angry. And I think I first became aware of him when I watched the movie Mamma Mia, that he was just so, it was that very sort of

on stage acting of sort of like, hey, hey everyone. It was very bouncy and Daniel Radcliffe-esque. And don't, I don't have a problem with Daniel Radcliffe. But it's just his acting. But it's, yeah. How have I never noticed this? Well, he's not like, it's an odd one, because this is why I didn't want it to feel like that,

because he's very famous, but he's not necessarily a household name. I don't think every single person across the country knows who Dominic Cooper is. Although he's had lead roles in TV shows, have mostly been American ones, and mostly ones that have been on things like streaming services, like Netflix. So even then, if you lived in America, you wouldn't necessarily be aware of him

because he's not on ABC or NBC and stuff like that every night. And in the movies he's been in, he's often been like the sort of supporting character. Okay. So you're not paying, maybe not paying as much attention unless something draws your attention like it has to you yes and now you notice it every time exactly so the fact that he's an actor should be neither here nor there if we're stranded on a desert island because his abilities

as an actor should in no way ever affect affect the fact that we're living on a desert island together however because my uh the violent gall is seeded up uh and boiled up inside me for so long about him that now just the very the very mention of his name causes me to sort of like flinch and cringe and when i when i see his face this sort of vein i didn't even know existed starts throbbing in my forehead and i meant it for just for next few minutes i'm just staring into space um as if like like mel gibson does whenever he bumps into m night shamalan's character in science because it's just like oh that guy killed my wife and he's walking through you just find the middle distance yeah yeah yeah exactly right there i have to be shaken out of like glenn glenn and it's like

sorry i was just thinking about dominic cooper yes worry i worry me. I've not noticed this, but I don't. I realise it's not a weird, because it makes sense if you hate someone like, not hate people, but someone like Tom Hiddleston, who is a tool, absolute tool, but is world famous and is everywhere, and you can't go, you know, if someone chose 20 film,

like 20 highest grossing films of the last few years, he's going to be in a couple of them. Yes. Especially with the Marvel franchises as well but it makes sense to despise uh someone like that because you see them all the time but it it feels weird with dominic cooper because it feels like you actively have to seek him out right which i think makes me more frustrated because i'm like it would be so easy to go your whole life with avoiding dominic cooper yeah yeah why does he keep cropping up in my life? Do you find that he's cropping up so much?

Well, not in person. I haven't met him. No. And the thing is, I would be really, really polite to him if I met him. Of course you would. Yeah, there's no one

I'd be sort of necessarily sort of impolite to unless they were like a full-blown Nazi. Yeah. Not that I'm making any accusations about Dominic Cooper.

No. But there are two people who I know who my friendships with have have worsened since I noticed they look a tiny bit like Dominic Cooper it's that bad yeah have you done any acting training yourself or is where is this sort of observation well do you know what it came from it came from being in lots of plays at university where I think I would get annoyed if half of the cast me included,

were trying to play it. Because if we were doing it in a small studio of like, say, 100 audience members, and the plays were often comically under attended, so we're looking at maybe 10 or 20 audience members, and if they're all in the front row, then you kind of want to, you know, they're aware of what's going on in your face. They can see even like the slightest eye movement or something like that. So I was obsessed with trying to bore stuff down to like that. And then if someone came in and was sort of like,

darling, hello, welcome to my shop. Take a look around. I'd be like, we know you're a shopkeeper. We know you're playing a shopkeeper. You don't have to. You don't have to be a shopkeeper. Yeah, exactly. You don't have to be wearing a shopkeeper apron in every scene.

Yes, yeah. Come and look at my groceries over here. Okay. Dominic Cooper is going to be your first person. Thank you very much, Glenn. Who's going to be your second person? I don't know their name. It's a stranger.

It's a stranger who on the tube a few years ago, I've encountered two people on the tube. I've only ever truly hated two people i've i've met in like sort of met in person okay and one um was and i'm only putting one on the island um one was someone who uh i was sat opposite on the tube and she was there with her son um who was being very loud and irritating and i was eating uh m was eating McDonald's and I was eating my chips. And the kid said to his mum really loudly that he wanted McDonald's and he wanted chips. And she said, so that I could hear, well, maybe if you ask the nice man politely, he'll be nice enough to give you some chips.

And then looked at me and I was like, I can't beg your pardon? These are my chips? Yeah. So I had to give the child some chips. Did you actually? Yeah, because you can't not like... I wanted to just say, I'm really ill.

Yeah. I'm so contagious. This is... You don't want this. I mean... I'd barely... I'd like not started on... I don't think I'd made any physical contact with the chips.

So there was no... I had no... I couldn't say, well, I've already touched these, so you don't want them. But also, I don't know, well, I've already touched these so you don't want them. But also, I don't know why I was so surprised then. Of course you gave the kids some chips

because what else can you do? Exactly. That was the issue because you can't go, no. No, absolutely. You just turned to me, excuse me,

I do not want to give your kids some chips. I know, yeah. But that's not the island person. That's the first person who on public transport I've hated. The second person is a person I like to put on the island because I think this would actually factor into what they'd be like on a desert island.

Okay. When I first moved to London in an attempt to sort of like, right, I'm just gonna quit a job up at a radio station in Sheffield, move down to London. The aim was do any temp job during the day so I can do any stand-up gig in the evening and then try and build up a career that way

and just do any temp job. And so I was doing a temp job at Thames Water and I used to get the tube in every day and I was sat on the tube at Thames Water and I had a can of Fanta in my bag and I took the can of Fanta out and then this quite elderly woman who was sat opposite me

motioned for me to take my headphones out. I hadn't even opened the can of Fanta and she went, I certainly hope you're going to put that in a bin when you're finished with it. What? And was like really aggressively like, and it was like how could I have not

angered you with this can of Fanta? There is nothing I could have done differently that would have still like, in every possible I could have, in a Groundhog Day situation, I could have removed that can in a hundred different ways. And the only way she would have been satisfied

is if I didn't have a can of Fanta in the first place. The mistake I made was purchasing a can an hour beforehand. I just didn't, and I didn't say any, I just didn't know what to, I think I apologised. Did you? I think I went, sorry, yeah.

I'm so angry that I did that. But it was so hilariously unreasonable. Such a... It's like tapping anyone on the shoulder and saying, I should certainly hope you're not going to kill someone later. I've got my eye on you. It was so bizarre. And so

the idea that when you're attempting to collect firewood or you're trying to fish and if you're on this sort of desert island the idea that someone's going to pre-empt how wrong you've managed to get that would drive you insane. How? It's just, okay hindsight is a wonderful thing and we'll put that

to one side but it's like me saying to you I hope when you get home tonight you're going to put those clothes in a wash basket and not on your floor. Exactly. Because then it makes it sound like that's something I regularly do. It's something me and my sister always used to do in terms of resolving an argument. What you do to definitely beat the other person is, even though it wasn't true for either of us,

what you'd say is, at least I flushed the toilet when I'm done. The other person has to go, well, I do it. I mean, it makes it sound like they're in denial. So you've won. You've definitely won that argument. Yeah, straight away. Yeah, there's nothing the other person has to go, well, I do. I mean, it makes it sound like they're in denial. So you've won. You've definitely won that argument. Yeah, straight away. Yeah, there's nothing the other person can do. But other argument winning technique is if you were ever arguing with someone in public,

which fortunately I've never had to and never been in that situation. So if you're arguing with someone in public, what you do is you turn around to other members of public and you go, I'm really sorry about them. Okay. Because that absolutely minimises them. That's it. Yeah. The only way that she could be in the right here is if the day or the week before she'd seen you

on the tube, chuck those. And I had, but she didn't necessarily see that. Yeah. No. I had to know, of course. It baffles me so much. I wonder how many Fanta can disposal incidents she'd seen over the course of her life that made her go, I don't, I don't trust you. Yeah.

I've been, I've been burnt in the past. Okay. So maybe she's looking at you and say, and thinking, ah, I was here the other week and that young man. Exactly. But that's not you. No. Unless you look really like a guy that has done exactly that in front of her. Yeah, I don't know if I give off a particular look.

I've been preemptively told off before, actually, on transport. This was on a train back from Manchester. And it was one of those rare occasions where you see that to buy a first class ticket would be cheaper than to buy a standard one sometimes that happens for some reason, I don't know why and so I was like, oh my god I've never gone in first class before, this would be really great and I was quite hung over and probably a bit dishevelled to be fair, but I sat in first class and a guy

who was opposite me again sort of like motioned for me to sort of get my attention and he went, you do know this is first class Wow! Did he have a ticket did he say? again, sort of like motion for me to sort of, you know, to get my attention. And he went, you do know this is first class. Wow. Yeah. Did you have a ticket, did he say?

He just went, you do know this is first class, don't you? Yeah, but did you have a first class ticket? Yeah. So did you get it out and just say yes? No, because he didn't work for the company. I just went, yes. And he went, all right. Don't blame me when you inevitably get thrown off and fine. It was,

it's so annoying. Cause I encounter, like I, I have a habit of attracting very, very unreasonable people. Just unreasonable members of the public. Very, very strange.

It happens. It happens a hell of a lot. And I don't know if it's, a kindness in your eyes. No, I, I don't know if it's because I'm your eyes. No, I don't know if it's because I think I'm overly polite in person usually. And I think maybe either people like to take advantage of that or they mistake it for me being really condescending. Okay. Okay.

Because, I mean, you are a very intelligent guy, which could be quite intimidating. No, but I'm not. I just sound like I am. Okay. I mean, no a very intelligent guy Which could be quite No but I'm not I just sound like I am Okay I mean no I'm dumb as shit But I've just I've got a posh voice

For no reason None of my family do Not from a posh family To any extent And I've just got this This absurd voice Right okay Yeah

So you've fallen into the trap as well I don't know if you're having me on though now. No, I'm like... This is... You're double bluffing me. I've fallen into your trap. Everyone assumes I went to like... Everyone assumes I went to Eton

and everyone assumes I went to either Oxford or Cambridge. Neither are true. I didn't go to private school. I didn't go to Oxbridge. I don't know where this comes... You very much went to university in Sheffield. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Okay. University of. Of. Okay. This guy. Maybe you are.

I don't know. Right. So this woman, that is absurd. Yeah. Isn't it? It's out of order. Yeah. And I don't know her name.

No. But let's call it Elspeth. No, but you can imagine that she's going around her entire life like this. Exactly. So it would be unsustainable trying to build a desert island community. Yeah. When someone's decided what you've done wrong in advance. What kind of stuff is she going to come out with on the island?

Well, I hope you're going to set fire to those twigs once you've finished collecting them. Why else would I be collecting these? Or pointing up at a coconut. I hope that you're going to do something with that if you drink it. Right? It's just like I haven't even opened the can.

I know. Okay. Tube Woman goes on. Eternally frustrating. You're going to have to live with that for the rest of your life. I think about it so much. And it feeds into my next one, actually. Okay. I think to some extent.

Now, the next one is someone who I love very dearly, and it's my own mum. Mum. Would be difficult to live on a desert island with. Please tell me why because i think so she i think she has a similar habit of if there's a lack of trust there's definitely a lack of trust in terms of me like i i i wouldn't put it past her to an if to in a few years do that fanta thing thing to someone else. I can sort of see that sort of happening.

She's got it in her. And there's a real sort of like, if ever we go and visit like relatives or something, if ever I go back home for Christmas for a couple of days and we go and visit relatives on Boxing Day, she'll always just sort of say, remember, don't say anything rude to them. And it's like 30 years old. And I've never, ever been impolite to anyone. So what about my previous behaviour? Again, what could I have possibly done differently in my life

to have prevented you from saying that? And so that would be sort of quite different. And like if, because it's quite odd because I only see my parents around other relatives because I see them on like, you know, the big celebrations, your Christmases, your Easters, your summer solstice. But where do they live? They live in Glastonbury.

So they live in the countryside. They live in Sussex. And if ever, like, so if ever we're sort of visiting relatives or something, if, like, my uncle asked me a question, I'd be like, how's work going? My mum would go, he asked you a question, Glenn. Answer him. And it's like, what? Hold on a minute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I's a bad answer yeah and it's a real like it it's it's like at times she slips into it she just she doesn't see me as an adult and just sees this like unruly six-year-old and again like if i if i would say this has happened on an occasion if i was like clearing the table i was clearing the table and i said to my uh aunt i was like um as i was clearing everyone's dirty plate said to my aunt, I was like, as I was clearing everyone's dirty plates, I said to my aunt, oh, can I take your plate? My mum went, can I take your plate, please? And I was like, no, I'm doing the... No, no. Was what I did rude?

Was what I... I'm doing the kindness here. I know, it was so insane. Her plate is empty. Unless she's going to lick the gravy off that plate, right? Anyway. There's another element as well of if she was in the beginning, if she was about to launch into any sort of advice,

and it's all very kind stuff, but if she was ever to launch into any advice or a story, and I sort of managed to sort of nip it in the bud and be like, well, no, that didn't happen. Because it would just say like, let's say it's something like, have you moved house yet? And I'll say, yes. So there's no need for her to provide any advice.

She'll say, all right. It's like, what I was going to say was, there's a cheap removals company. And it's like, okay, we don't need to, we now don't need to have this 11 minute conversation of you telling me about builders who I will never, ever, I will never encounter in my life.

That doesn't, it doesn't, we don't need to. But she's already on the train. I told never encounter her in my life. That doesn't... We don't need to... But she's already on the train. I told you I've moved. I don't need to know they have seven vans in different sizes. Yeah, I don't need to know what I could have done. This isn't a game show. I don't need to know if the boat was behind the curtain.

Yeah. Yeah. It is painful. And so I feel guilty putting someone up. And again, it's someone where it's, you know, like a delight in person and in the UK, but on a smaller and more desert-y island would be difficult. It would be, yeah.

Comforting, I guess, to have your mum with you, but to have that tube woman and your mum sort of ganging up, that is on a par with you are going to set those sticks on fire right? After you get them. But also I just think

it would be a bit weird on a desert island with your mum. Do you know what I mean? It would be like any relative yeah you're living with your parents again

you've somehow moved back into your parents. I mean yeah I think you're right I mean part of me would love to move back into my parents. I mean, yeah, I think you're right. I mean, part of me would love to move back into my parents. But yes, I'm with you.

I always have this, like whenever it gets around about, usually sort of Christmas at a time, I always sort of go, I think it'd be really, really nice to go back for Christmas just for a few days. In fact, I'm going to stay longer than I usually do. I think it'd be really nice to be really festive. I'm there now. And it's, you know, I have this really sort of,

roasting sort of vision of what being home around my family is. And as soon as I walk through the door, within five minutes, if I've been given a chore, it's and it and you know i have this really sort of uh roasting the sort of vision of what being home around my family is and as soon as i walk through the door within five minutes if i've been given a chore it's like i hate my i hate my life and i think i need i need to i need to leave i remember i left yeah i'm just gonna go and stand in the garden you don't smoke yes just on my own yeah i remember why i haven't lived here as an adult yeah yeah brilliant okay uh so your mom is going to be your last choice. Thank you very much, Glenn. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your

target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Glenn, now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there's some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Earl Grey tea. Earl Grey tea. Yes, I can get behind this. Is absolutely, I think, the worst possible drink. I don't really like tea without milk at the best of times. Certain types of tea I prefer without milk, you know, and definitely suit it. And it's a necessity to not have milk. Things like Darjeeling I obviously, you know, really, really like.

But I have this. So there's a theory I've spoken about on my radio show before which I call the accidental lemonade theory, which is regardless of how much you like any food or drink, if you're expecting a different food or drink, then it immediately tastes awful. So I think I only got into olives recently, and I hated olives for most of my life

because the first time I ate one, I thought it was a grape. And as much as I probably would have enjoyed the taste of an olive because I was expecting the taste of a grape, it ruined my life. It shocked me. I had the same with marzipan. We had a Tudor day at primary school. Everyone had to go dressed as the Tudors. And someone's parents had made like this fruit bowl full of like apples and pears. But they weren't apples and pears.

They were made of icing, and a bit into it, and it was marzipan, which I now hate, and I can't... That is one of my least favorite... Because you were expecting a strawberry or whatever it was. Exactly, in the same way that even if lemonade is your favorite drink in the world, if you wake up in the middle of the night

and have a sip of what you think is water, and it turns out to be lemonade, you spit it out because you're like, what the hell is that? Yes, it's true. It's wrong water. Why has this theory got the accidental lemonade? So the first time I tried Earl Grey, I thought it was a regular cup of tea.

That's it. That's all it was. And as a result, and I'm sure in a few years' time, I will enjoy the flavour of Earl Grey tea. But the first time I had Earl Grey was maybe 20 years ago and I still haven't gotten used to it. I just think it tastes, the flouriness is revolting. Absolutely revolting. I think anything floral doesn't taste nice.

Do you know what I mean? You have it as a sweet as well to some extent, but that is, yeah. If you get rose water or even like rosemary water, I don't like that. Yeah, I don't really like it in bars when you say, oh, can I get a pint of tap water?

And they go, actually, you just fill up from the side and it's full of just oranges and stuff and lemons. And I go, no. That is contaminated. If we're boiling down what contaminated means, that's contaminated water. You just want to turn back and be like, what the fuck? Can you just get me some from that sink over there?

Yeah, I'd much prefer the sink. Yeah, absolutely. So Earl Grey tea, yes, I'm with you. No matter how much milk you put in it, can't change the flavour. And it's just like, it stays with you as well. It's awful. My wife sometimes drinks it, and the smell from across the table is just, oh, I don't like it. it yeah it's more pundit

like regular tea doesn't smell yeah who does it think it is yeah yeah where do you get off okay i'll grow tea and what's going to be your food choice difficult toss-up between this one i think it would have to be so in my head it's turkight. A very good choice. Again, it looks just like Great Sweets in the same way that, like, I think Liquorice Allsorts from a distance look like they are going to be the craziest, sweetest taste explosion ever. And they taste of, like, schoolwork. They do. They're difficult. They're really difficult sweets. And they're not fun.

It's like a real there's something really archaic about it whenever you read any book from like any coming of age book or watch any coming of age film from like the 1920s or 30s anything and i feel like it's a very sort of it's a wonderful life sort of thing where kids back then like as treats were given sort of like i need have you had your charcoal sweets and it was always just things like what it's like gives you diarrhea afterwards as well and there was no joy in it you get no real gratification out of this so um also like you wouldn't have had sugar in like almost anything else so that like little bit of sugar you get the sugar hit you get from a licorice all sort yeah would be like an amazing flavor yeah absolutely

it's like the world has moved on and these things sort of haven't I can't imagine how exciting even the slightly sweetest thing would have been the idea of having a pear in medieval times would have been so rare because it was the

rich people who had the dreadful teeth and the poor people who had the great teeth because the poor people didn't have any sugar but it was all the kings and stuff

who had to have false teeth because they had access to all these sort of luxury items but when I say luxury items I mean it was probably like you know science takes but so they'd say oh if you chew bread for long enough and it starts to taste sweet because that's like no it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't under any circumstances that was like the closest they probably had

but you get to chew bread for half an hour and it tastes remotely sweet yeah right but um licorice all sorts and and turkish delight absolutely disgusting And I feel like if you were given the option of a room full of any sweets, if you choose those, then you were dangerous. You were so dangerous because I don't know what is wrong with your taste buds. Yes. But realistically, those wouldn't be on a… Why dangerous is the description? Because what else are you capable of?

You clearly... You're clearly not capable of independence or any level of critical thinking to be able to differentiate just how amazing, like, fizzy strawberry tubes are and stuff. Right, okay, yeah. Or even just... Anything.

Even chew it. Anything. Over licorice, all sorts. I know. Just what's wrong with you? For God's sake. It's an awful flavour. It is horrible.

Isn't it? Yeah. But those realistically wouldn't make an appearance on a desert island unless it's like a Tom Hanks in Castaway sort of thing where he's suddenly got these FedEx parcels that are full of them. Yes. Well, I often say you've crashed on this plane and you're desperate and you look in the cargo hold. So the plane is full of them and some

insane person filled their suitcase with liquorice. So realistically those wouldn't be easy to come by. So if we're talking about something that could naturally grow. Okay. Tomatoes. Tomatoes. Yeah, and they have been forced on me so much throughout my life because

there was this insistence from my family when I was growing up of, don't worry, you will like tomatoes. It's something that you don't enjoy the flavour of. I remember hating the taste of beer the first time I had it because the idea that that is your parents' favourite drink over Pepsi Max is insane. Because you go, what's this? It's got to be incredible. And you try it and it tastes of metal. And it was

so vile. I mean, suddenly you become utterly dependent on it. But it was, it does become nice. But the weird thing was every time I'd take, every time my dad would have a beer and he'd sort of go, do you want to try a sip and see what you think? Or I'd be really insistent and be like, please can I have some?

And it'd taste even worse than the last time. He drank Victoria Bitter quite a lot. And he'd always have these little stubby bottles of VB. And I had one a couple of years back. It tastes exactly the same as it did as a kid. Turns out my dad was just drinking really crap beer. It just tastes awful. Yeah, yeah.

Like, if he'd had access to like, like a BrewDog drink or something like that, then I probably would have been, like, an alcoholic from the age of five. Yeah. But it turns out he was just drinking really vile beer. Yeah. So tomatoes are forced upon you.

Yeah, just because my family was sort of going, you'll, you know, you will like them. Yeah, sure, they're not delicious as a kid, you know, but you will appreciate them. And I think they wanted me to sort of grow some sort of Stockholm Syndrome-esque attachment to them. But the very – it wasn't just the texture, but the flavor made me – would make me wretch. As you could definitely – I would be sick if I had tomatoes. And eventually my family sort of whittled it down to all right how about every year when we

go on holiday over the summer you try what you try tomato every year and it was sort of like you know sort of thing we'd reconvene as a family on holidays of august and just just during one meal i'd try a tomato and every time i'd vomit like every single time but then what happened when i was about 18 or 19 and sort of approaching the sort of last couple of family holidays, the final ones, my family became insistent that I'd never tried a tomato before.

And it was like, do you not remember the times I was sick over the balcony every single time? The number of spoiled verandas because I'd had to have tomatoes. And to this day,

I can't bear, I cannot bear them. Now, if they're roasted or anything like that, then that's fine because I've had the flavour removed. But a raw tomato makes me feel really, really sick. I feel queasy and I'm absolutely fine. I find that movie violence and gore and the like

has absolutely no effect on me and never really has done. But I cannot deal with the scene in the third Lord of the Rings film when Pippin is made to sing for the temporary in the third Lord of the Rings film when Pippin is made to sing for the, um, temporary sort of steward of Gondor. And he, uh,

he sort of says, sing for me, boy, while I, you know, have my dinner. And he's, and what happens is there's,

there's like a battle going on at the same time. So they sort of intersperse it too. And it's meant to be sort of a metaphor for the, the horrors of battle because, um, everything he's eating is really sort of like, it's like chicken, but he's like tearing with his teeth and it keeps focusing

on his mouth. And he's eating these tomatoes in the most violently aggressive way you can imagine. And they're exploding all down his mouth. It's like, you're a king, have some decorum. But every time I see those tomatoes explode, I can just really feel it. Really? Yeah. And I have the benefit, actually, me and my sister

have this sort of ability, feels like too strong a word. But it's something that we've inherited from my dad. We can both do. We can turn off our taste buds whenever we want. So if we just don't want to taste something, we just don't taste it. Yeah.

Annoyingly, it's difficult to prove because my friends have often sort of said like, well, why don't you just eat like a dog turd or something like that? And it's like, but no, because I'd know. Yeah. Like, well, why don't you just eat like a dog turd or something like that? And it's like, but no, because I'd know. But if someone hid a dog, like if someone baked a series of brownies and one was a dog turd, and I was sort of told to eat sort of each one, then as long as the texture was exactly the same, I would never, ever guess which one. And I can just decide not to taste stuff. Okay. I'm not going to say you're lying.

How? For us, it just feels like blinking, like closing your eyes. That's what it is. Right, so you know like if you hold your nose, that stops you from tasting stuff as much. It's basically we just block off our nose. You hold it on the inside? No, it's kind of from the back of the throat.

But it's not – I don't really have to do anything. I think my sister has to do something there. But I can just – it's more just like sort of psychological. I just don't taste it. It's literally, I don't really have to do anything. I think my sister has to do something more. But I can just, it's more just like sort of psychological. I just don't taste it. It's literally just a decision to go, I'm just not going to taste this. You need to do a blindfolded taste test and people just put things in your mouth. Yeah, it's just really, but we thought everyone could do it because me and my sister can do it and my dad can do it.

So we've obviously got it from him. Oh yeah, there's no way of proving it because could because you could just say i can't taste it exactly but the only and maybe do like a lie detector i don't know but the only time it's ever really benefited me was we there was a friend of mine who ran a bar uh we worked at a bar in um in in sheffield when i used to live there and we went along once we just sort of tried to get free drinks from him and he was like no not really but he was like how about i make you all i'll make you all shots and i make you all cocktails but he said i'm gonna make them they'll be strong but they'll be the worst things i can find in our fridge and it was all stuff like egg liqueur and tabasco and all this sort of stuff sort of all you

know all put together um and i was just downing them really really easily because they just didn't taste of anything to me and it was fine it was like the egg liqueur mixed with like vodka and tequila obviously turned it into a sort of weird sort of like frothy cheese which was a really broke for a bit yeah um and it was quite um gross yeah i'm not gonna yeah it yeah um but i it was absolutely fine and i had about 20 of them and then realized at the end of it is like he was like okay yeah you've won. You've proved. But by this point I realised I had like 20 shots in a row so I just basically collapsed. But it's fine. It doesn't work with

spices because that's a different sensation. So I wouldn't be able to just be able to eat like a ton of spicy wings. Chili can't taste it. No no no. But yeah someone was just like this is incredibly I don't know sour I guess it would be fine. If anyone is listening to this that has the same thing please uh contact us so with tomatoes i can just about do so i can

just about do but it's just the texture i'm so aware of a texture i'm so aware of the psychological connotations of the fact that this is the thing i've hated for so many years that is the only thing i sort of struggle with but it makes me a very polite eater because if anyone makes me a meal that i sort of don't really sort of enjoy then i can have the whole thing I sort of struggle with. But it makes me a very polite eater because if anyone makes me a meal that I sort of don't really sort of enjoy, then I can have the whole thing and it's fine. And so what I usually do is if there's any tomatoes in it, I'll just down the tomatoes in one. If there's actual slices of tomato on a pizza, like the tomato sauce on a pizza is fine. Bolognese sauce, all that sort of stuff is fine.

But if it's actual slices of tomato, I take them all off and I'll just down them in one go and get rid of those. And it's like, okay, that's done. Is that if you're being polite and you feel like you have to do it? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Wow. Interesting. Tomatoes.

I mean, so I have had people, like, opposed to tomatoes on this before. And funnily enough, it's always been texture-based. Yeah, I think it's a mixture of just, like, it's not even, even like a sort of skin as such it's like balloon like and it just tears so easily and then inside is just a bit too so it's like what i imagine it would be eating an eye oh my god okay yeah because it bursts yeah okay tomatoes are going to be your food choice thank you very much glenn now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work,

but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Least favourite song of all time. Song first, okay. Is Sandy Tom's I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker with Flowers in My Hair. This is good.

I hated that song. And I remember first seeing it on TV and being filled with this sense of profound dread because I not only hated the song, but I could see it being very, very popular. And I could see it really sweeping the nation. And the dread I felt was, not only do I hate this song this is

going to be on the radio forever yeah and every year of my life i will hear a version of this song it just made me like cringe on behalf of the song it was just the idea like the even the fact that the lyrics were just wrong in the first place of like a punk rocker with it's not two entirely different movements um but I just couldn't, it just made me feel, it just made me feel really awkward inside. I just felt really embarrassed. Oh, it is.

It's cringe inducing. Yeah. And I just panicked so much when I first had it thinking like, I'm going to have to hear this a lot and I won't be able to get away from it. I don't know what I'm going to do. No song has ever had that effect on me.

It just really, really bothered me. It's profound. It just sort of happened and then you thought... I nearly felt scared. It was just so bad. Yeah. And thank God it disappeared

and it isn't really ever played. I'm sure at one point you hear it covered or something on TV. Yeah, it wasn't massive. It's good that it wasn't massive. And thank God that Sandy Tom is a one-hit wonder with that, right? Yeah. That's a one-hit wonder.

Yeah. No, no, there was a follow-up single, but I think there was a sort of issue because I think the idea was the song had gotten big because it was played on some YouTube stream. And I think it was the first time that had happened where she debuted it live on YouTube and it got hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people watching from around the world. But then I think it turned out, I might be completely wrong here, but I think it turned out that she was actually assigned to a record company and they'd organised this and made it sort of look like, oh, let's try and pretend this is some underground sort of thing. And it was their attempt to sort of relaunch her. In a sort of Lana Del Rey way,

because she'd had her sort of attempted career, and then they were like, well, let's do this sort of Nancy Sinatra trailer trash, but really classy sort of, and then she got it relaunched, which is absolutely fair enough because it works yeah but on this particular case i think people felt like it was a scam okay it played on the very idea of this is a this is some random person any member of the public who's given this a go and it's really really worked out i think there's like uh these i think it's fine for people to evolve and change like uh you know david bowie

is the great example and I'm definitely not comparing Lana Del Rey to David Bowie but maybe if it's contrived by the record label. Now Lana Del Rey she could probably get away with saying I'm just really into that music and this is the direction I've decided to take it. If they're pretending

that she's doing a live stream from her bedroom but it's got high production behind it and it's got high production behind it. Yeah. And it's contrived. I think you're right. I think that is different. Because the thing is,

if Sally Thomas got a bunch of albums now and she's selling out across the world, if that is the case, for all we know, then great. But I'm just happy as long as I'm not hearing that song. Yeah. Okay. Yes, I agree.

And then you're on the island and that's it. On repeat forever. I just... It would give me such great motivation to get off the island. Yes. You'd put a lot more effort in to get...

Yeah, I don't know if it's worse to have a long song or a short song. Because the long song is obviously very, very sort of dragged out. But the short one, you're worse to have a long song or a short song. Because the long song is obviously very, very sort of dragged out. But the short one, you're going to have to hear it more times. So you have that jolt of panic and horror every time it restarts. If it was a long song, it would have to be The Farms altogether now. Which you probably have to hear quite a lot. Yeah, I do. Yes, I do.

I'm not sure what's the bad idea of me saying that. Because it almost dies off. And then it just keeps going. And it's just a nothing. It's so like, I think it's trying to be sort of simplistic

in how profound it is. But it isn't. And I hate it. Yeah, okay. Then what's going to be your film choice? About Schmidt. About Schmidt? Yeah. Interesting. I think it. Yeah, okay. Then what's going to be your film choice? About Schmidt. About Schmidt?

Yeah. Interesting. I think it was just marketed in the wrong way. So, okay, am I right in thinking About Schmidt is the Jack Nicholson one? That's the Jack Nicholson one. Where he has a pen pal? It's where he has, I don't know if that's... Is that the bucket list?

No? No. Is that as good as it gets? No. Right. About Schmidt is Jack Nicholson's wife has died. Yes. And then he, I think, is just trying to live his life.

And then he meets Kathy Bates. That is all I remember. Right. However, we watched it, me and my family, over Easter one day and because like my nan was staying we had to be polite we didn't want to sort of like abandon my grandmother

by all sort of going to our respective rooms and doing our own thing we all had to you know sort of do communal activities so we'd chosen About Schmidt which is a daunt the DVD case is a wash with four and five star reviews

just unbelievable praise of just it being this hilarious laugh a minute film and it just being absolutely hilarious and it is the most miserable depressing film I've ever seen and it's only because

I think of the context that makes me sort of hate it so much because it felt like the film lasted for nine maybe ten hours it just didn't end I couldn't stand it and there was not a single joke in the film, there's not a single laugh.

And at the beginning, he's like staring at this sort of clock ticking. And we were sort of like looking forward to it being funny. Yeah. And we're sort of like chuckling along at him staring at the clock ticking. And then just nothing happened. And then he gets informed of like his wife's death or something. And that sort of made me want to go,

no, give me my laugh back. Yeah. But no, you've taken that in bad faith no give me my laugh back but no you've taken that in bad faith I want that laugh back because I was laughing in the anticipation of something being enjoyable

and it isn't and I think films are sometimes obviously films are marketed in sort of the wrong way and usually sometimes it ends in disaster I think

Jennifer Lawrence Javier Bardem for Mother which was excellent was just marketed wrong because I don't even know how you market it I think. Yes. The Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem for Mother, which was excellent, was just marketed wrong. Because I don't even know how you market it. I think the genre is horror. She fell foul to this another time because...

Was it Joy? No, Silver Linings Playbook. Oh, yeah. Yeah, with Bradley Cooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was marketed as this kind of like, this indie film, right? And then when you get in there, it's just a rom-com this kind of like this indie film. Yeah.

Right? And then when you get in there, it's just a rom-com. Like Robert De Niro. But it's an amazing film. Okay. I thought it was great. Right. I thought it was really, really great.

It is good. But I think I remember going- It looked very Garden State, didn't it? It looked very Garden State. They're wearing bin bags for no reason. Is that a thing people do when they're running? Yes. You're right. They are wearing bin bags.

When he was running, he was wearing bin bags. I think I have known people to wear it under their clothes To get extra sweat I don't know about outside Yeah I hated Garden State and I hated that spate of films That came out afterwards

Where it was like, okay, here's a five second shot Of me just staring As I'm backed up against a wall While really intense violin music plays and that's supposed to be like, that's the hilarious joke, that's the comedy of the film you know, it's just really pretentious and just full of just like

meaningless stuff that was sort of dressed up as being sort of like, we're actually really deep and sensitive, and About Schmidt was that, but just elderly it was just the elderly version of that. Eventually I became truly fascinated with the film

because I was like, I don't even understand how it could have been seen. Like, where do the laughs come from? Is it supposed to be like a Napoleon Dynamite sort of thing where

at screen on any one time there's no punchlines, but the first time I saw Napoleon Dynamite, I couldn't stop laughing for the whole film because there was always just something on screen

that made me laugh. Was it supposed to be that? But it was just so sad and miserable. I get really annoyed when I feel like I get tricked by a movie's marketing and I go into it with the wrong attitude. I love Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.

Hated it the first time because it had been marketed as, at the time, Jim Carrey had still mostly, with the exception of The Majestic and Man on the Moon, because it had been marketed as at the time Jim Carrey had still mostly with the exception of like The Majestic and Man on the Moon had only really been doing like hilarious

slapstick comics Liar liar exactly and so the idea of oh he's in a rom-com this time so it's not an out-of-comedy this is a rom-com this time okay

and Kate Winslet's in it and she's great and you know there's Mr. Blue Sky playing over the trailer as it shows him literally trying to I guess try and remember the girl who's been erased over the trailer as it shows him literally trying to, I guess,

try and remember the girl who's been erased from his mind, and it sounded really fun. And it's an intense film, but in no way has any structural resemblance to that trailer. They just marked it. So I sort of switched off when I watched it because I thought it would be a really fun, mindless film. And it got about half an hour in

where I suddenly sort of sat, bolt up, and I was like, hang on a second, sorry, sorry, I don't know anything that's going on here. And I felt the same way with, I think Inception was marketed as a more mindless action movie than it turned out to be. And about half an hour in,

I was like, sorry, I have not been listening. Are you going to be annoyed? I haven't been listening. I was exactly the same. I had to watch it twice. Exactly,

and men loved it. And the second time I was like, ah, this is genius. But the second time you're watching it, you're like, you're missing that crucial first time of watching a film feeling. And I remember

so vividly being, as it being just such a dull day on an Easter Monday, just with my family, just being forced to watch this dreadful film. But eventually I just couldn't, eventually I just started laughing in that sort of desperate way where you just go I find this situation

funny now because I'm so unhappy and you're like is this my lowest point exactly and you follow you going inside I had a

flight once from Australia back to London it was one of those sort of 24 hour pretty much uninterrupted ones and I remember that as when you boil it

down sure there wasn't like a family death or a breakup or anything about the day but it really was one of the worst days of my life because it was

24 hours of just sat staring straight ahead of you. I watched Spider-Man four times for Tobey Maguire one. Oh, no. Yeah, and I remember that. So I watched it once. A couple of hours later, I was like, there was nothing else. So I just watched it again. And then with about seven hours to go, I watched it for a third time.

And when the credits finished rolling, it just started again. And I went, at this stage, yeah. And I knew the entire script by the end but and so I remember that as a really like

on a mild level one of the worst days of my life and I remember what the idea that with none of these things the day I tasted a tomato for the first time I don't remember

you know I remember hating I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair you know I remember being really annoyed when someone called me out for just having a closed can of Fanta on the tube. But I can't pinpoint the exact date.

And with that, with About Schmidt, I remember every element of it. And no other form of literature or cultural entertainment has had that effect on me. This is made for you, isn't it? effect on me this is made for you isn't it I think like no one

has gone so deep it is fantastic thank you very much Glenn I'm about to admit it's going

to be your film choice I feel like you know I feel proud to have been able to give you this moment

thank you and finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it? And why? Wasp. Wasp. I mean, I'm sure I'm not the first person to say that.

I'm not the last. They offer nothing. No. And I'm really terrified of wasps. And I think it's because I've never been stung by one. So I still don't know what it feels like. So that's what I'm mostly scared by. And I've only been halfway there.

When I was at school once, put my hand in my pocket, a wasp had somehow crawled into my pocket and died. And I stung myself on the dead wasp, like I put my hand on it. And I took my hand out, and there was just this wasp just hanging from my hand. And that hurt a bit.

But I was sort of thinking, well, a live one doing that maliciously. And I just don't like the idea like stinging nettles I've been told it's pretty much the same as stinging nettles but stinging nettles

it's fine because you brush past them it's fine but the idea of something coming towards you and embedding it it's just that image behind it

the hate and I firmly believe that they can smell fear and discomfort definitely because they really gravitate towards me and I just can't

the amount of times on holidays or on just like outdoor outdoor a bar or something with friends that i've really embarrassed myself and had to say i'm really sorry to be a nuisance we're gonna have to move our plates and move to a different i really i won't be able to focus on anything anyone's saying oh yeah and it's i'll just be staring that wasp down hoping it's gonna leave i i hate any time i've been on a bus and you sat towards the back of a bus on the top deck and you just see it come up the stairs

and it's sort of like, hey, hey guys. And you just think, I'm in an enclosed space, this is hell. Yeah, yeah. A friend of mine was on a flight once

with a wasp. No way. I cannot imagine how bad that would have been. You have to kill. Kill, kill, kill. Well, that's it. I've also never,

I've never killed one. You've never batted away a wasp? No, because I know that if you get it wrong, that makes them more furious. They're just so angry. And they definitely know because you bat them away and then they're angered and they'll follow you. Yeah, exactly.

They will follow you. I don't know what they want, if I've just got traces of jam on me at all points or anything like that. I was on a train recently and it was like one of the few parts of a train that I just had like I had a set of four seats all to myself and it was great. And the rest of a train was weirdly round. I think because everyone had like specific tickets that they had to sit in their specific seats. And next to my window, this wasp was just sort of buzzing around just that one particular frame of window

and it was like don't make me move from please don't make me move from here please and it kept moving ever so slightly forward to the guys in the seat in front of me

and he would just you know he didn't care about wasps and he would just whack it back and it would land on my table and just start fizzing around looking furious and it was like I really want to say to him

can you stop doing that please like either kill it or please stop and it was and it was just really taking its You're too nice you wouldn't have

killed it Well no it's not that I just know it would sting me Yes yeah So wasp wasp is going to be your animal choice

Absolutely Glenn this has been great thank you so much for coming Thanks for having me I'm glad we could get the time together and what are you

doing at the minute where can people see you I'm on tour at the moment Yeah So I'm on tour at the moment. Yeah. So I'm about halfway through. I've still got about 20 dates left. Brilliant.

Yeah, so it's, and all the dates are on my website, Glenmore Comedy, and they're on my Twitter at The News at Glen. Brilliant. And people can hear you every morning on Appetite Radio, right? Yeah, on the Dave Barry Breakfast Show.

Fantastic. And if people want to get you on social media, what's your social media? So, at the news at Glenn on Twitter. Oh, sorry, you said. And Glenn Roger Moore on Instagram, which is my full name. I can't stress that enough. Glenn, you are, is it?

Glenn Roger Moore? Yeah, and I hate when people sort of go, oh, that's a funny name. No, that's not my idea of a good joke. Yeah. That's my name. I wouldn't write that. Full credit to your parents, though. My dad's called Roger Moore, so we knew what he was doing.

Yes. Glad, you are one of the funniest people on Twitter. Oh, that's very kind of you. Your tweets are unbelievable. Thank you so much, man. Thank you. You must see the attention that they get because they're so funny.

No, I got out of the habit of, about six years ago, I got out of the habit of checking back to see how... How well it's done. Or how it's doing while it's happening I'll usually just like post about three or four

jokes a day and then the next day I'll have a look back and sort of go oh that one went okay maybe in the first five minutes I'll check

because if after five minutes I talked to one earlier it had 14,000 people had liked it that's alright that's higher than normal yeah they don't all get that

but I urge everyone to go and have a look thanks a lot thank you thanks for thanks a lot thank you thanks for coming in cheers thank you very much