Desert Island Dicks - HARRIET KEMSLEY

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Harriet Kemsley joins Dan to discuss all the people and things she'd really hate to be stuck on a desert island with, and it's a strong list. So don't just sit there, start listening and then you'll know I was right when I said it was a strong list. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features Harriet Kemsley, and we've just recorded this morning. It was a bit touch and go for a minute because when we started recording, her baby had just gone to sleep and her babysitter had dropped out last minute. So we were worried that we were going to wake up the baby, but we did it. We managed to record a whole episode without the baby waking up.

So that was exciting and I think led an extra sort of frisson of excitement to the whole thing. But yeah, it was a really nice chat. So I hope you enjoy it other big news is that uh we can now announce our guest for the cheerful earful podcast festival on the 6th of october that's a thursday 6th of october we're going to have the one and only john robbins he does loads of podcasts he's a broadcaster award-winning stand-up he's brilliant and i've no doubt that he'll be a wonderful guest. So you can get tickets now. They're £8. It's Thursday the 6th of October at the Bedford Pub in Ballam,

South London. It's a really nice venue. They've got a great room for us to be in so it's very exciting and I hope to see some of you there. We'll put the link in the description of this podcast and it's also up on our twitter and instagram pages at dixpod so come along and see desert island dicks live with me and john robbins right now on with the show this sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and podcaster Harriet Kemsley.

How are you? Hello, I'm good, thank you. We've got a slight problem as the babysitter cancelled last minute at 4.30 this morning. My husband has gone to Helsinki, so there is currently a baby sleeping next to me, which adds a kind of frisson of excitement. Is that the right word yeah i've started speaking a bit more quietly and then i realized it doesn't really matter from my end but i'm really aware that there's a sleeping bear no you're free to do what you want i feel a bit like we're on um you know that bus in speed and if i if i go over a certain level if my voice it goes

over a certain level then um the bus is going to crash. So yeah, stressful. Okay. We're going to see how far we can get before your baby wakes up. Great. So, I mean, you know, you're having a busy time. You've got a young baby. You've just been at Edinburgh Festival.

You're about to do a tour. I mean, does this mean that you're in a position where you find it very easy to rant about other people and things you hate? Or are you more sort of more reserved than that? I think I am I do I think I often have um people that I dislike that other people don't or I will I will um I maybe I'm quite petty or specific things will just make me furious other people seem to not be phased by and I think when you're on little sleep and you're busy, then those things are going to really drive you wild.

Yeah, it's funny in the days of having a new baby and people sometimes think it's going to be this sort of like blissful experience of sharing the world and new things. That's some of the angriest I've been. That's a really good point yeah just tiny things like why open this fucking packet well I got this one thing if this one thing goes right then I just feel like you know you have some kind of control yeah absolutely I always find in the period between sort of like eating dinner and getting my boys to sleep it doesn't matter what mood I start off in like by the time I shut the door and I'm just like

and then I can sort of resume normal operations as normal but um anyway look let's get started let's hear about the people and things that do your head in so who's going to be the first person joining you on the island so this person hasn't necessarily done anything but i've always had a thing against do you remember that presenter is his name matthew kelly he used to present you bet and um stars in their eyes stars in their eyes that was it yeah yeah so i have never trusted him and i think it's because i once had a dream where he chained me to a radiator and now every time I think about him it makes me so mad and I think there were some allegations or something but maybe they were like dropped I don't know anyway it feels it feels bad to be

angry with someone because of a dream but you know when you have a very vivid dream and then you just can't trust the person yeah yeah definitely i think there's just something a little bit sinister about game show hosts anyway you know because they're sort of like perma smiling i don't know you know the way they always put their arms around people they don't really know that sort of there's something a little bit odd about them isn't there like so and i remember once so years ago matthew kelly i think he always had like a goatee didn't he and then I think he shaved or a beard and then he shaved it off for a while and it was just so

unsettling it was it's like what's going on and why have you shaved that off and like who are you hiding from I well my husband has a beard and sometimes he'll um he'll shave it and for days afterwards I'll be like genuinely uncomfortable because it's like I don't trust who this person is like I know it's him but like my whole body is like danger it's really it's really exactly this person touching me this seems really inappropriate it's kind of fun I can like cheat on my husband but like with my husband it's a fun fun game that's good maybe I should get my wife to wear a beard or something for the same sort of thing yeah there we go um and so how old were you when you had this dream then so I think I was in my early 20s and it was just such a vivid dream

and I just he didn't even necessarily do anything bad but he well I mean changing someone to a radiator is quite bad but I just was I was just so cross about it and I just since then I just had a really like bad feeling about him and it's just so hard to shake that it's like if you have like a sex dream about someone it's like impossible to like speak to them afterwards it's so weird how your subconscious can like really mess with you definitely and I think like that's always going to be there you're on the island with him and there's always going to be an element of mistrust you know even if he turns out to be just this lovely guy and like oh that's why you're always happy on telly because you are always happy but you know you just sort of think but there's something lurking behind those eyes that I know

that you're capable of changing me to a radiator even though I mean thankfully most islands are radiator free that's true that is very true and but yeah the thing is I feel like he'll um I'll just be like really mad with him but he won't know why and he'll just have to keep like like he'll it but the more I'm mad with him the more I'm distant from him the more it will make him needy and be like have you okay and that will drive me more mad until one day I just explode and I just say it's because of that time you chain me to the radiator what what are you talking about so it's yeah it's gonna be um yeah it's it's gonna be a an interesting trip to this island i imagine for someone who's used to sort of like trying to make people at ease in sort of high pressure environments on a game show or something like that

um you know it must be like quite weird for him if he can't put someone at ease and like then it feels like they don't like him and i imagine him just getting needier and needier and just really trying so hard with you this is it he got into this job because he wants people to like him and i'm the only person that that can see through it because my my subconscious has given me a vision of the true matthew ke. Yeah. Oh, well, it's a very good reason. I like it a lot. Okay. So Matthew Kelly's joining you.

Who's going to be the next person with you on the island? Okay. So this is not necessarily a real person, but they have haunted my nightmares also. Okay. Everyone trusts him. I think he's brilliant, but I've never liked E.T.

Do you know what? I've never seen the film E.T. and people can't believe it. And I never saw it because it never appealed to me when I was young. And now I'm like, why would I watch it? I'm a 40 year old man. I'm not going to watch E.T. for the first time. I've got better things to do. But yeah, I've never been that comfortable with E.T. What is it exactly about him that that um gives you the the creeps absolutely don't trust him i think it's the way that he points it's like very

unnerving and it's very slow and i just i think it's like again how everyone just thinks he's so brilliant and everyone's like he's so sweet but i just don't see it at all and when i was younger like even when the music came on like that distinctive music because the film would come on like every holiday basically and I'd have to like run up to my room and like hide under my covers like because I just couldn't bear the thought that E.T. was on and then my whole family would laugh they'd all have like a lovely time and I just thought why can no one see it why does everyone trust E.T. when he's just pointing his finger and I don't know yeah you know sometimes things come along and they're sort of ugly things but people find them very cute like trolls you know that was a

thing you know at school you might have them on the end of your pencil or whatever and like you see that these are horrible you know your mum's going oh why do you like those disgusting little things that's what my mum would say and you're but you know and you kind of go yeah i get it but this is cute and et i've never had any sort of positive feeling towards him it's like what is this sort of weird raisin with a light up finger you know and he's always like hiding like he's always like lurking in a cupboard or like like he's not actually a trustworthy person and also I don't like it when he gets really sick and then his heart like I mean it's very sad like he's like he's clearly very ill but like it's just the whole like texture of him no and also he's he's not a great conversationalist as he's like you're not

gonna get much chat out of him you don't want to talk to matthew kelly et's gonna like it's like look we can't phone home there's there is no phone here you know even with the flying bicycle trick it's we're on a desert island you're not going to be able to do it for long enough it's not going to work they are actually an interesting double act that i'd like to see communicate it's a bit bit like R2-D2 and that other one. I just imagine them wandering off. C3PO, I just imagine them wandering off in that kind of dynamic, exploring an island. I've just had the thought of, you know,

you guys getting bored and Matthew Kelly doing Stars in the Rise with E.T. And then just going, who are you going to be tonight? It's like, you're going to be Diana Ross. E.T. coming out with a wig made of palm tree fronds or something he's wearing those those like clothes he wore in that scene when he comes out of the cupboard oh he's oversized women's clothes yeah and he still just says phone home a lot but to the tune of i don't know like upside down or whatever um yeah i mean well that that's made me feel your island might be slightly more fun than it was earlier but no really i mean

it's there's just something that even if he's trying to be friendly and nice et is just the way he'll sort of like be lurking as you say and sort of pop out from behind a tree while you're sort of like trying to dig a hole to crap into or something yeah he'll always be staring he's not going to be doing anything useful he's not going to be helping towards the future of the island he's just going to be like just stood there and you'd be like itty just like do something you know like help yeah we're all really hungry yeah just watching you sleep or just just just not being quite right because he's got no social conventions because he's not a human so yeah yeah i think it's another fine choice. Okay, who's going to be the final person joining you on the island?

Okay, the third person is a person. And I don't necessarily know them very well, but I don't like – okay. Do you know that guy Salt Bae? Is his name Salt Bae? Yes. And he always has the – and he has that weird way of sprinkling the salt yes and i just i'm a vegetarian and i just i just don't like i just don't like it's the meat thing it's too much meat and the sprinkling and the meat it's just not for me this is one of those things where you just look around you go how has the world come to this when

a man has become famous for sprinkling salt on meat in quite an idiosyncratic and serious way. And now he's famous and he's got a restaurant in Mayfair or something. And he's probably a millionaire. Yeah, I think he's literally become a millionaire. It's craziness. Yeah. I saw a review of his restaurant, because his restaurant famously does steaks that cost like £1,200 or something.

And part of the reason they cost that much is because they're wrapped in gold. And I see this sort of thing where, you know, you see it in the paper. It's like, oh, like world's most expensive desserts. And it's like, how can ice cream and whatever you've made be so expensive? And it's like, oh, it's served in a gold bowl. Like at some point, food can't cost any more and you just have to put gold into it. Why is it so expensive? It's the diamonds.

It's just diamonds. Bad for your teeth. I'm choking on them. Yeah, that happens. But think how rich you feel. But then you're just shitting out gold. Like it's madness. Yeah, no one's ever going, oh, this gold tastes so nice.

It's such a weird thing. It's like, you fucking idiots. Why? tastes so nice it's such a weird thing it's like you fucking idiots why and it's it's the combination of him and the idiots that continue to prop him up by going yeah this steak oh it's really expensive it's like what is wrong with you people it's um it's disgusting and also i think it would be so stressful to eat at that restaurant because imagine if you didn't know and then you just went and you just weren't really paying attention and you just ordered something and then the bill came you'd be like what the fuck like that wasn't even that nice like I could have had like 100 pizza express

for this you know yeah yeah I just think he he's going to be someone that takes himself so very seriously yeah I'm in for a really terrible time there's literally no one I can have like a nice conversation with on this island absolutely i mean the thing is he's basically a con man as well because so that's the thing so even if he's just like yeah i know i can't believe people bought it i just fucking like put on some glasses and sprinkle salt and charge people 1200 quid for a steak yeah fucking idiots and part of you is going to respect that but part of you is like okay well what else you're gonna do to fuck us over while we're here yeah he's gonna steal all the fish and he's gonna be like oh yeah i didn't see any fish then you're just gonna find him like sprinkling loads of salt on fish later and you're gonna be like i knew it yeah and you couldn't resist it could you he'll

be a good chef though so technically like i've just made matthew kelly's life really good because he'll just have really delicious food well you might just have really overpriced food there'll be three coconuts please yeah yeah oh this is so shiny this is amazing um cool well i think i think you've got a an interesting and diverse group i mean well i was not racially diverse although actually i mean et for god's sake so yeah you know it's diverse in all ways um but i think it's a really interesting group of people you've picked so so that's great now we're talking about food and mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was and always um but i think it's a really interesting group of people you've picked so it's great now we're talking about food and mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world

what are they and why are they so bad okay so i i genuinely believe that it's a phobia i hate bananas. So this is weird. So I have an allergy to raw fruit and raw vegetables, which doesn't make any sense. I'm also vegetarian, so it's all very weird. I'm not actually allergic to bananas. I just find them very untrustworthy, and I hate their texture,

and sometimes people put them near me, like i'll genuinely scream wow have you always had this yeah i think it's like it's like the mushiness is like the fact that like they can go really bad it's like the the skin that comes off it's like uh it's really horrible and sometimes and people are just so cavalier with their banana skins like they'll have a banana and then they'll just like strewn their banana skin like on a kitchen surface and all i can do is just think about the banana skin until they leave and i can like get somebody else to get rid of it because i don't want to touch it wow that's difficult because they're quite a useful kind of food you know they're sort of they can like bulk things up quite nice you know milkshakes are good with them and like

you can make banana sandwiches for kids and things like that i know see my wife loves bananas she always used to say it's her favorite fruit but i found it quite weird because fruit to me is about being sweet and refreshing and a banana is more like a functional thing you know it's like saying your favorite chocolate is like 100 chocolate and you're like there's no joy this isn't this isn't for you you don't know yeah there's no joy this isn't this isn't for you you don't know yeah it's interesting that you can't eat raw fruit and vegetables that's that's quite a difficult thing to have it's really stupid i grew up on a farm like it doesn't make any sense basically i get um like my skin's allergic to like the protein on the outside so

if it's cooked it's destroyed but like if you just i went to the hospital did like a test then they cut up loads of fruit and vegetables and they put them on my arm and then i just get like a big hive and so the problem is that that makes your like throat like get hives and be all swollen so it's not very good not a good time no okay well i think yeah i mean but because also you couldn't even because it's all sand on the desert island you couldn't even try and like trip people up just to sort of keep yourself entertained. You know, I mean, I did see someone slip on a banana skin once. And as they sort of slipped, they actually looked around to see what they'd slipped on and actually laughed to themselves because they realized that, oh, my God, it does happen.

I'm that person. So that was quite nice. Just before they hit the deck. Yeah. She was quite a glamorous model looking woman. And she kind of just skidded on it a bit but didn't fall over and then turned around. It was like, oh my God, it does happen.

But you can't do that on the island because of the sand. This is what I'm saying, they're dangerous. And you don't even like to touch them. So you couldn't even do that anyway. So yeah, just having a big pile of bananas to go through. Oh, awful. Eat his head sticking out of them. Oh, don't.

I can't. That's the thing as well. I bet Matthew Kelly would eat them like a really disgusting way, like the way he'd peel and eat a banana. Like I can't even. It's so upsetting. Salt by seasoning it all. It doesn't need seasoning.

Stop it. Okay, and what would your drink choice be? So, see, this is another thing. Like, so I don't trust bananas. I also hate tomatoes. So, like, a tomato, like, I do not understand this Bloody Mary situation. Like, and the thing is, I do like tomato, like, tomato on pizza if it's pure. Like, I have to ask them when they come over.

And, like, no one really understands the question. tomato like tomato and pizza if it's pure like i have to ask them when they come over and like no one really understands the question but i'm like is the tomato is there like bits or is it like pureed and they always say it's pureed but sometimes there's bits and you can see like the bit of the tomato and that's i can't handle that um so but i like i do if it's as long as it's smooth like pizza express i really like pizza express i've said it a few times now um or um ketchup like that's fine but the texture and the gunk and the green bits and the seeds and the skin no i think um i mean i'm a really big tomato fan oh oh no okay you could go to the island as well then it sounds it sounds like an interesting place, I've got to say at the minute,

the sort of interplay of the characters and things. But no, I mean, I do like tomato juice, but when I'm drinking it, it does look disgusting and I can totally understand why people, you know, it's something that shouldn't be served in a clear glass because, you know, as you're drinking it, you see like the sides of the glass just look disgusting. And I can totally understand why people are. I think I've said this on the podcast before, but once I was at an airport and I asked for a Bloody Mary and the guy didn't know what one was.

And I said, you know, it's like tomato juice and vodka. And he looked at me like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I was like, I know this sounds weird. I know it sounds like a weird alcoholic that's just gone through all the other drinks. And now I'm just like sticking random things together so I can get pissed in a new way. But it really is a thing. And he was like, well, okay. Is this, you know, is there a hidden camera?

Because he didn't seem like he'd worked there very long. Made you go your whole life without knowing about that. That's so funny. Yeah. I mean, it is a weird thing and then they're also popular on planes aren't they i mean people enjoy bloody mary on the plane i don't understand why why people are so mad i don't get it also i'm allergic to celery so like that is the worst kind of straw for me is that is that a straw why is it there it was

just like i think it's sort of like flavors it and you can stir it and eat it while you're drinking it. I mean, I'm a Bloody Mary fan, but I could leave it a celery to be honest. I don't think it's adding much. But yeah, for you, we're going to add it in, obviously, because it's got to be the worst one. So, yeah. Okay. Well, look.

You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Fortunately, to distract you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? So the film, look, it's quite ironic considering the setting, but it's got to be cast away. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because people love it it but i went to see it at the cinema and i'll tell you what there is not much story there's just a man and a ball and if i wanted to see that i'd go to the park like you don't i don't understand the appeal of that being a very very long unnecessarily long film when it's just a man and a ball like i want story i want relationships i want character i don't want a man and a ball have you seen it yeah i have yeah i was i was just thinking i was on holiday the other day with my family and we're in a swing pool and there's lots of balls kicking around.

And my son really liked one of the balls and he named it. I can't remember what he named it, but he got really attached to this football floating around in the pool. And it was very sweet. But, you know, after like 10 minutes or so, we're ready to get out. I don't need that extended for that long into a film. That's the prequel. Yeah. In the child.

Yeah, I think it's, I suppose it's interesting in that, you know, you kind of think, oh, how would I survive? And the answer is not as well as him because he does all that maths to work out where the fuck he is. And I just give up. I just have to sit there and die with my ball. And that would be it, you know. So if I was on the island watching

Castaway I'd just realize that I'm not as good as he is at doing stuff because you know I'd have no idea where I was in the world or how I crashed or how to get home yeah terrible swimmer so I wouldn't be brave enough to just try and get off it's like if I tried to get off the island I might as well just walk into the sea because I'm gonna die well that's it because if i think trying to swim off it would be too stressful because you don't know which way like you could so easily go one way and then just miss it and you'd be like like so mad with yourself but you wouldn't even know yeah and then you're just in the sea forever yeah terrible i mean i enjoyed the life of, you know, he was basically going mad. I mean, I don't want to, I just want to be in the sea.

At least we've got an island, although it's got E.T. and Matthew Kelly and Saltmate. There's bananas everywhere. Yeah, maybe the sea would be better. Anyway, I think for some reason I'd seen it, but I'd only seen the middle bit on the island. And I hadn't seen the beginning for ages until recently in lockdown. I thought, oh, I'll give it a go. I didn't realise there was so much about logistics and like FedEx and stuff in it. It's a very practical film.

I haven't seen it for a long time. I just, I went to go see it at the cinema when I was a teenager and it was, it just made me so angry. And I think also I was at that age where like, so maybe it wasn't completely the film, but you're at that age where you just like want to go out and you want to do things and you're stuck watching a boring film and you're like like it just like makes you even more infuriated yeah so it's a weird film i think yeah if you're into that sort of thing you might as well just watch like ray mears or something for the sort

of crafty inventive side of it you know rather than the sort of drawn out relationship stuff yeah i just there's no there's no giving back I just, there's no, there's no giving back from a ball. There's no drama. There's no like, I know they try and give it a personality and he like, doesn't he draw a face in it or something? It's like, I mean, there's just not like, I'd like the intricacies of relationships, a ball. It's just, it's not going to happen.

I think it's interesting. You know, there's a bit obviously you know spoiler alert he's getting off the island and the ball floats away and he's like well sir and well sir because it's his friend and i think at some point they probably had to let that happen because i really like the idea of like the ball didn't float away and then he goes back to society but he's got this new best friend and he can't let go of it. And especially, you know, his wife's left him. Castaway 2. We've got the prequel with your son and then Castaway 2.

He has to adapt to life with his best friend, Wilson. Yeah, and he's just there getting really bitter about his wife and the new family. He's like, fucking whore. And he's just got the ball. He's like, shut up, Wilson. Don't say that about her. I still love her.

Wilson's the only one that's been there for me this whole time. You weren't there. You don't know what it was like. And he stuck a cigarette out of the side of the ball. He's put a little hole in it so he could put cigarettes in. No, I'd see that film. Yeah, yeah. I don't think he's going to make it now, unfortunately,

but we're going to have to make it happen. But, okay, before we do, what's your song choice going to be? Well, look, I'm just in the middle of it at the moment with the baby. So it's very difficult because I need this song, but also I hate this song. So Baby Shark has become a song that gives my baby real joy, which is a wonderful thing. It also really randomly helps her go to sleep. It's like the randomly helps her go to sleep. Like it's like the, like the bizarrest song that it's like the complete opposite of like a lullaby.

But like when she hears that music, she starts like going to sleep. It's like a cue for her. But it's like, it's just, it's just in your brain, just like all day, every day,

just those, those words over and over again. And you just think what thoughts could i have had or or what things could have happened if my brain wasn't full of fucking baby shark yeah yeah yeah it's such a weird thing with parenting like people don't tell you just the amount of times you're gonna have to listen to like two competing sound sources neither of which you really want to hear that much for like a really extended period and i suppose the only thing i could say from having maybe you know having an older kids is that um at some point you're going to have heard it so much you will cease to hear

it anymore like my son my oldest son's got this sheep that he had as a baby that you know plays a song when he goes to sleep and i used to sit there with him and i just fucking hated it so much like i it's like this fucking song and it went on for 20 minutes and i have to sit there and i was like oh god and then it was just in my head forever and now like it can be on i won't even notice it like i can't even hear it anymore so it's like you have to go through that point yeah but one day it will cease it's like i worked at a radio station for years and i had the same thing with nickelback you know like for a long time and i don't even hear it anymore i don't even notice it but for the longest time god it drove me insane yeah you know when they're sort of interrogating prisoners and they sort of play

music on repeat or like in a siege thing and they just blast like terrible music at them for a long time and it sort of wears them down i reckon if it was parents they'd be okay i think they just get through it yeah it's like we've been through our own war you know like our brains we have a way of like switching off and just like staring at a wall which um is a really good skill for life and for surviving a desert island yeah but yeah baby shark i mean it's it's sort of it doesn't make any sense i mean what again it's like one of those things like how did this happen i mean you know we get nursery rhymes i understand those some are better than others but how did that just kick off you know it doesn't make sense as a concept like the story doesn't make sense

logically it doesn't make sense the the noise is like they have managed to like they've made crack for babies like it's wild you show them the cartoon or like the music and they're just like they're like crazy like they've just like cracked it it's um it's really terrifying how um you can control a thing that's so young that doesn't even know its own mind yet. Yeah, Baby Shark is terrible. And it's impossible not to start singing it. Or like the worst is when you start adapting it, you know, so you might sort of then be like cup of tea. Do, do, do, do, do, do.

Oh, for fuck's sake. I feel like humanity in like 20 years, it's just like we're all just going to be going around like saying our conversations to baby shark just talking to each other like baby shark it's like a really scary uh future that we've got ahead absolutely it's not climate change we need to worry about it's a future musical of baby shark yeah definitely like what did the end of the world look like well it was it was more confusing when the dinosaurs died just everyone walking around singing what the scientists predicted people just went mad from the sound of baby shark the only thing that could stop them

singing in the end was the sea levels rising just like going over going past their mouth it was a sweet release okay well finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why so this is a really difficult decision for me because i have two like i'm a vegetarian i love animals i want the best for animals apart from from two animals, well, three technically. I don't understand why we let them be. And I know that that's a very bad thing to say, but I really don't understand why we don't just get rid of them.

And we just shut our eyes for the day and just get rid of all of them. And then we're just done. So rats, snakes, and crocodiles are my top three. Okay. is done so rats snakes and crocodiles are my top three i think my absolute worst at the moment is going to have to be rats when we moved into our house did bobby say this when he came on the podcast i can't i'm trying to remember now so we moved into our house in the middle of lockdown and our house had been taken over by rats. And the woman that owned the house before just hadn't mentioned. We'd literally got the key from her and she never mentioned the fact that there was a rat infestation living in the house.

It was like something I can't even describe. And there were rats in the walls like my cat was like terrified like they were like a rat ran over Bobby Bobby's foot and like ran out of the house like for freedom and then we had to like flee the house like just it was like off the first place that we bought like it was so exciting and then within 24 hours we had to flee because uh the rats owned the house it was awful oh wow yeah i think there's just something about animals like even if like i don't have a particular problem with rats until i see one like out of context you know like if it's you know like i've had pet rats with friends before

we had a shared house and that was fine they were like nice and in a cage and it's okay but when you see them like i've seen them on the street and i'm like oh the fuck is that you know like it's and and that i mean that environment that sounds horrendous i mean if they were all in my house it's just because what do you what do you fucking do you can't like you can't just you know a fly you can swat you can't like just swat a rat like what the fuck i don't know what did you do you have to bare knuckle fight a rat um it's um it was wild like there was like because there was like a weird smell and we knew that we had to do like a lot of work to the place but like there was a and like that's part of why we got it but like there was this weird smell we just couldn't get rid of it and we're like

pulling apart cupboards not trying to clean and we just found this like pile of rat shit and then we opened a drawer and there was a sign in one of the drawers saying keep drawer open for rat wrangling and then we googled rat wrangling and apparently it's like it is like a way of like living harmoniously among the rats so i i don't know i don't know what happened but the rats took over and it was just it was it was literally a living nightmare it was me the rats matthew kelly it was it was awful because when i moved into this house the person who lived here before wrote me a note saying like oh by the way this is how the heater works like this is like you know this is how the thermostat works. It's a bit funny, but here's the knack. They didn't like to say, keep this drawer open

to live peacefully with the rat infestation. I would have loved a note saying how the heating works. I would have absolutely loved that. That is so insane. Like, that obviously was left for you. I mean, you wouldn't need to remind yourself. I don't know if it was a reminder for the the family if it was like a like like you know like you leave no like maybe for the cleaner

who obviously isn't doing the job very well i leave passive aggressive notes my husband like i have been known to leave notes saying like open the curtains otherwise he like won't open the curtains but like leave drawer open for rat wrangling. It's really too much. Oh, man. That is so bad. Obviously, we can get into snakes and crocodiles as well. But I mean, I know you haven't got a garden full of crocodiles. And then we went upstairs.

We were like, what the fuck? And leave toilet seat down for crocodiles. Yeah. No, I just don't like them. We went to the Gambia one year and it was amazing. Like it was so beautiful. But we went to this restaurant and outside they had a lagoon full of crocodiles. And they were like, it's the mystical mystical lagoon like the crocodiles just live in

the lagoon but they don't attack and i think what they mean is it's the lagoon full of drugs that keep the crocodiles really quiet because they're really really sedated um but you had to like sit by them and eat knowing there was a crocodile there and i, I find them so unnerving and so evil. And I know you shouldn't say that about an animal, but I do think they're evil. They've got like two settings. They're either so still you think they're dead or they're so fast and dangerous. You know, where's your middle setting? Like, how can you live with something like that?

Find a medium, crocodiles. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, snakes, obviously we can, can i mean i suppose the snakes could eat the rats so that might help but i mean if it's going to be the worst island we're going to assume that they're just going to live in harmony they've seen the note about the rat wrangling and yeah i feel like the the snakes will eat the rats and then the crocodiles will eat the snakes but then you'll just get like super crocodiles because they'll be so strong because of all the rats and the snakes that they've eaten and it's like it's going to be real bad i mean we've ended on a really strong note there because i think just the idea of you know the snakes eat the rats and the crocodiles eat

the snakes it's i mean we can't better that sentence i don't know i'm gonna have nightmares now about this island about matthew kelly and the crocodiles and the snakes and the rats and the bananas and the tomatoes and the ets uh well do you know what i had a therapist who was saying because i was having lots of bad nightmare or bad sleep and she was saying no the idea is not to not think about it you want to like you know write it all down before you go to bed and then your brain's done all the the churning around and then you can sleep better so maybe now this is you know maybe this will be the answer maybe you know they'll banish all the bad things from your mind maybe I'm no psychologist

I've never pretended to be but you never know anyway look let's distract you Harriet tell us what you're up to because you've just been at Edinburgh you've got a tour going on you do podcasts you've got lots going on yes so I'm at um I'm not sure if this is out in time, but I'm at Soho Theatre. We'll live next week, which is very exciting. And then I'm on tour nationwide. So if you live nationwide, I'm probably coming. And then, yeah, just doing like bits and bobs. Hopefully, I've had a podcast for a long time,

and I think we're rejigging it and hopefully launching um something new soon so um so yeah the best thing is like to follow me on uh instagram or something um it's harriet kemsley and then that's where what i'm up to will be brilliant well we'll all look out for your stuff there and uh thank you for coming on desert island it's been a real pleasure thank you it's been so fun i can't believe the baby is still asleep this is uh it's been so fun i can't believe the baby is still asleep this is uh it's amazing amazing so there you go that was desert islandics with Harriet Kemsley. I hope you enjoyed it. And yeah, that's it really. I mean, just another reminder to get your tickets now for the podcast festival.

It's Thursday, 6th of October. John Robbins will be joining us and it should be fantastic. And I would love to meet you in real life. What else was I going to say? As always, it's really helpful if you can leave us a rating and a review um really helps us out a lot i won't go into all the reasons why but it makes a lot more difference than you'd expect desert island dicks was a sync clap production created and produced by james deacon presented and produced by me dan benedictus and edited

expertly by chris attaway and as always i'd like to say a very special thank you to the one and only john deacon well not one and only there's obviously the bass player from queen is john deacon i mean james's dad john deacon for his uh continued and very appreciated support okay that's it we'll be back with another desert island x very soon thank you very much goodbye