Desert Island Dicks - HARRY HILL

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Well would you look at that! That man Harry Hill is on the podcast. Harry joins Harriet to share who and what he'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island... We’re on Patreon! For as little as £3.50 you will be supporting us to create more episodes of the podcast and as a reward you shall receive early access to episodes and completely ad-free listening. Get it here: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=24332430 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. Today we're joined by the incredible comedian Harry Hill. I am very excited about this one. I'm going to be on tour in the new year, so come and see me. You can find tickets at www.harrietkemsley.com and we're on Patreon. For as little as £3.50 you will be supporting us to create more episodes of the podcast. And as a reward, you should receive early access to episodes and completely ad-free listening. And also extra episodes that will be on there that no one else will be able to listen to for just £3.50. That's crazy. Although I did have a wine and weather spoons last night and it was £2.70.

So maybe it's not the deal you think it is. The link for this is in the show notes. Make sure you follow us on Instagram at Dickspod and you can also follow me at Harriet Kemsley and you can get in touch with the podcast if you email desertislanddickspodcast at gmail.com. I will just say though, the wine was not delicious. So £3.50 it turns out is a deal.

That's it for now. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Harry Hill. Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Harry Hill. What a horrible idea for a show, Harriet.

Yes, I'm really sorry to have to do this to you. I mean, you know, of all the ideas you could have had, I know you were looking for a niche. We all are for a podcast, but this one, I mean. Yes, there's very comforting Desert Island Discs, which everyone just has a lovely feeling after they listen to it. And then there's this, which just kind of you leave kind of full of bile and, yes, hatred.

Yes, yes. Have you ever been on Desert Island Discs? No. No. Have you? No, I haven't, no. I'm still waiting. I don't think they're booking me before you.

Well, I don't know how they – how did they decide on that? Some of them you think, oh, great, yeah, it's – I don't know. Who would it be? You can't even think of someone. Ken Bruce. You know, it's Ken Bruce. You can create Ken Bruce and then it's I don't know who would it be can't even think of someone Ken Bruce you know it's Ken Bruce you can create Ken Bruce and then it's some scientist we don't want to hear

do you want to hear I don't want to hear about the scientists yes should we change this just to Desert Island Desert Island discs but I'll just ask you

what you do want on an island and we'll just do it for everybody that hasn't been booked in Desert Island discs and we'll just do that how about that

the other Desert Island yeah the Desert Island next door to that Desert Island Discs. Yeah. And we'll just do that. How about that? The other Desert Island. Yeah. The Desert Island next door to that Desert Island. Well, I tell you why not, because they come for you. I'm surprised they haven't come for you with this. So how have you found putting together your ideas for this? Well, fortunately, due to the extreme efficiency of your producer, James, there was only about 20 minutes.

Oh, by the way, he says, virtually as the swing door. That's another job, trying to find the entrance to this building. Yeah, it's very hard. It's very hard. I always get lost. Why is it so hard to get in here? I know. It's a massive building with no doors or sealed doors.

And some of them are on different levels. Why so many levels? And they're all made from bronze. All the doors are made from bronze. Or sealed doors. And some of them are on different levels. Why so many levels? And they're all made from bronze. All the doors are made from bronze. Yes, yes. In answer to your question, this is not my natural milieu. Yes, because you're a positive. I try to be a positive person, you know.

Someone once said to me, if you haven't got anything nice to say about someone, don't say anything. So I've tried to. It's going to be a very silent podcast. And I've tried to kind of not name names in a specific. Okay. It's like a riddle for us to work out.

There's only two people that I really don't like. Okay. But I can't name them, unfortunately, because I would be the subject of another court case. But if they're listening, they'll know who they are another one it's fun to think of you in court I don't know why but it was settled out of court actually

sorry about that but if I was on a jury that would be great I don't think it would have been a jury sorry I don't know how courts work. I don't know. But if you're going to be in a jury, you want it to be Harry Hills on trial. You know? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like you'd have lots of props that you'd open a suitcase and then things would fall out and it would be fun. Yeah. Maybe that would be, I'm not going to say a better idea for a podcast, but maybe that would be a different podcast. It would be a jury, Jury Duty with Harriet Kemsley. Yes. Where we just select the case and this week we're trying

and it could be an, well, maybe that's not, you know. I mean, I haven't got all the details. It turns out it's not that easy to come up with podcast ideas, Harry. That's what we're establishing. You've got to help me with this. It's not that easy, yes. I thought you seemed so confident and then you just stopped. There's something in that. Someone will do that. Yes, someone

will do that. Maybe it's not for you, but maybe it's more of a law student or something. Well, I'm glad you got off and that you could be here today, Freeman. Who's the first person you're going to put on this island? So it's people first, isn't it? Yes. So I'm

going to say people who go on about how well their kids are doing. You get that? Have you got children? Yeah. You have. So I don't know about the school your kids go to, but I've got three girls. They're all out of school now, fortunately.

But there was a time where it would be the parents' evening, and my kids are not what you might call straight academic. You know, they have various... Quirks. Disses, you know, dyspraxia, dyslexia, you name it. Me too, yeah. Right, yeah. And so they weren't naturally gifted academically,

but they were good at art and other things. Yeah, creative types. They weren't terrible at the other stuff, gifted academically, but they were good at art and other things. Yeah, creative types. They weren't terrible at the other stuff, but there'd always be like one mum who'd say, oh, how did she do? Oh, where was Kitty? How did Kitty get on? Or Winnie? Or, you know, this is the...

And so my wife took to saying, top of the class. And their faces would look, because they knew the answer before the answer, because all they were doing was facilitating them saying. Yes, mine's doing so well. We're so pleased. Big prize, can't even carry it, it's too big.

Yeah, you should see the, like they would have this Viking, I know this is quite well trod, this should see the, like they would have this Viking, I know this is quite, we'll trod this sort of material, but this Viking ship. They would make a, you had to make a Viking ship over the weekend or on holiday. You see them coming in with these things that had clearly been made by, you know, architectural students or, you know,

and we'd be walking in with this sort of bent cardboard. So those people, yeah, I don't like those people. Yeah, I get it. And it's a shame. I think it's a shame because, you know, the kids pick up on it, don't they? I think league tables generally are a bad thing, you know? Yeah, why are we ranking them?

Yeah, why are we ranking our children? Yeah, they're not cows. I mean, I might rank my own children, fair enough. You're top of the family this week. Yeah, you're bound to have a favourite. But why would they do that? Yeah. I said, one of my daughters came home from school once and said,

I said, she said, oh, they told us what number we were in the class. She said, and I was 23. And I said, how many in the class? She said, 24. 24. Yeah. She thought it was a high number. Yes, that is high.

Yes. Yeah. I hoped, I had hope with this whole COVID thing that they, you know, when they skipped, no one did exams and stuff. And I thought maybe that was an opportunity for them to have a bit of a rethink about education because I do think, on a serious note, Harriet, that it is failing a lot of people. I agree.

I think it's not designed for us to succeed. And by us, I mean the not academic. I'm not. I am academic. Oh, sorry. Don't include me in this. Oh, yeah, you were a doctor, weren't you? Don't include me in this.

Us creatives have no idea what we're doing. No, you did become a doctor, didn't you? Don't include me in this roundup of the dregs of society. No, I'm a big success. Yeah, no, but yeah. Yes. Is that all right for somebody that could be a dick? Yeah, I agree.

I think they could be a dick, and that's not what you want on an island as well. Like it's kind of a lot of. No. They're just the sort of people, you know, who get on the PTA. I never got involved with them. Yeah. You know, the Parents Teacher Association,

where they're all sort of organising, kind of living their lives vicariously through their children, you know. Oh, you're coming to the cake sale. You're thinking, why are you selling cakes? You're loaded. Why don't you just give some of that money you've got instead of baking these stupid cakes and selling those? People do fundraisers and they go, we made £320.59p

and you're like, you make hundreds of thousands of pounds a year. What is happening? You spent 400 pounds on flour and sugar and butter. You know, there's no accounting, is there, actually, about how much people have spent on these silly cakes covered in sprinkles and God knows what. Yeah. These people need to be rooted out.

Yeah, good for you. Good for you, Harry. Someone's got to say it. Okay, who's second? So that would be people who... Oh, yeah. People at the airport who queue even when it's not their group being called.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. So if you're group one, and sometimes I am, or if you're a person with, you're in the long, more kind of further, if it's flying a bit further, I might pay through the nose for a group one. Or if you've got, they say, people with small children,

and normally you can get one. There's a lot in the airport. You say, how do you fancy coming with me, Sonny? And you get on the... But then they say, it's group one now, boarding. We're now boarding group one. And all these people who are group... I don't even know how many goes up to the group.

Nine. I was once in group nine. Hands up. And I think, why are you queuing already? Why don't you just wait for your group to be called? Why do you want to be on the plane so much? The plane is, you're going to be there for ages. It's not going anywhere.

Why do you want to be stuck on a plane? We all have to leave at the same time. You're free right now. You're free to move and walk and breathe. Yeah. Why do you want this right now? It just means you're going to be on the plane for longer. In fact, what they should do is board group one last.

I completely agree with you. Thank you. Thank you for that. I completely agree with that. It should be your bonus that you can wander around, you can spray some perfume, you can live your life. Well, I'll tell you the motivation. It might be luggage rack space.

I've never been in the group number one. If you are in that group, are you worrying about... It's not all that. I don't want you to go away with me. Basically, you get all it is. What it is is. Can I put them in as well?

People who say what it is is. What you say is what it is is... You want to say what it is. You don't say what it is is. What you say is what it is is. You want to say what it is. You want to say it. You don't say what it is is. It's what it is. What it is, the luggage space is limited.

You don't say what it is is. You may say what it is is is. Yes. What it is is. What it is is is that ever since, and this is another person I'd like to put in, the person who relaxed the hand luggage rules. Okay. Because in the old days, hand luggage, and I say old days, this is only a matter of maybe 10, 15 years ago, you had one bag, right? And it was just like a small bag.

It was not. It didn't have wheels on it. And it wasn't a suitcase. Harry, I'm your worst nightmare. Yeah, I'm sure. I have a small handbag. I have a tote bag. I have a rucksack.

I'm wheeling a bag. And I get a baby every time. And probably a baby as well. I have a baby. I have a bag from Pret-a-Mache. Yeah, all these different bags. Yes. And then what happens is they say,

not everyone can take their bag home. We're going to have to pull some bags off. And, of course, there's an absolute sense of rising panic, particularly amongst Group 1. Yes. Because we've paid. Yes. Yeah, poor Group 1. Exactly that. Are they Yes. Yeah, poor Group 1, exactly that.

Are they taking your bags, though? I don't think they're taking your bags. They probably wouldn't dare. They wouldn't dare. You can imagine the fuss that Group 1 people would make. But is luggage space an issue in Group 1? I imagine Group 1 is. It's the same.

Really? Well, isn't it the same? Maybe it's. I don't know. I've never been in Group 1. But the way I imagine it is every answer is answered and every possibility is infinite. It's not like that.

Okay. But I think the people in Group 1 tend to have bigger bags. They've got more money to carry. They've got, yeah, more money. And they've got like a big suitcase. They've probably got two big suitcases and a satchel, something like that. But there's no need for them to bring the Pret-a-Manger

because that's one of the advantages of Group 1 is that you get an odd meal. Yeah, you get an odd meal. You are statistically more likely to die in the plane crash in group one. Is that right? Yeah. Because you're at the front. Really?

Yeah. Is that true? It is true. Yeah. I wonder what the difference is. Because if you were going to hit a... It doesn't matter what you hit, I suppose. Yes.

Mountain, no one's coming out. Although they did, didn't they, in the Alps that time? Sometimes if it gets, maybe this is just in a cartoon, I've actually never seen it, but the front gets stuck and then the back ones can free themselves. Is that just a cartoon? Yeah, yeah. It kind of hangs there and then the ones at the back kind of jump off.

Yeah, I think that can happen. Yeah. And then it's only a small drop, maybe six or seven feet at the most. Yes, yes. feet at the most. Yes. Or into the sea. Yeah, just a little dive into the sea. Number three. Wasn't that two?

I think that was two, wasn't it? That was two, so now we're asking for three. No, that is three. Oh, because you said about the people that is, is. I don't think I've got a third one. People who tell you how well they're doing. Oh, that's another one. So you said about their kids, and now they're saying how well they're doing. You say how you're doing, and they say, oh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I don't know if you've found, there's a few comedians like that. I'm not going to name them. Oh, they opened with, tore the roof off the gig last night. Smashed it. Everyone was coming up to me. We don't want to like that. I'm not going to name them. They opened with, tore the roof off the gig last night. Smashed it. Everyone was coming up to me. We don't want to hear that.

We want to hear the story about how everyone hated you. You had to hide around the back. That's fun. That's an interesting story. There's nothing of interest. There's stakes in that story. Yeah. I find that annoying.

It's sort of competitive and then you feel like you're not doing, you know, that you failed in some way. But really they're the biggest losers because they can't connect. Because they can't connect. I like that you haven't picked any specific people. I think you're the first person that I've had on when I've been doing this that hasn't named a single person. Who's the most common person?

I guess Trump is very common. They're kind of Katie Hopkins. But I like that you have a group of people that it is personal, but within a group. And so there's a safety that you're not hurting them. Yeah, it's a type of person. I mean, as I'm saying these things. You're picturing the exact person.

I am, yes I'm saying these things... You're picturing the exact person. I am. I am, yes. Their faces. Outside the... Yes. Now, Harry, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it is your least favourite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

Okay, so chicken sausages. Hello? That's all I have to say. I think everyone understands that beef. If I may mix my meats. There's no such thing. I mean, it's a nonsense.

The sausage doesn't get a nonsense The sausage doesn't get The chicken doesn't get a sausage Beef barely gets one Yes Well I'm vegetarian So this is outside of my This is outside of my world You've always

You've never had a chicken sausage No when I was eight My pet chicken died And I became a vegetarian Oh that's what pushed you over That's what pushed me over Yeah every time I did I would imagine my chicken and it just, I couldn't do it. What did it die of, may I ask?

I don't want to bring up, you know, open old wounds. It's often hard to know exactly what a chicken died of. There's often not a big process into finding out. It's either... An inquest. The inquest of, what was her name? Whiskey. Whiskey, the chicken opened today in Middlesex Crown Court or whatever it is.

And I don't even know who you'd interview. Yeah, I guess the local foxes. Was it you? Well, a fox. I think you'd know if it was a fox. Yeah, you do know. It's either fox or it's... Unless there's a fox that goes around quietly smothering them with a pillow or something.

Yes, or poison. Just gets the kicks out of it, not necessarily eating it. He did have one chicken and it was clear what happened there because her vagina fell out. I don't know what the medical term is. Can you die from that? Well, I don't know if you necessarily die from it. I think they have to my mum. She's 87.

She's still causing trouble. I think there's an operation for that now. Yes, well, that's what my mum tried. She took it to the doctors with the vagina and other things out of it. They'll come off it. They said there's nothing we can do at this point for the chicken. I guess the technology's not gone that far. No.

You think she shouldn't have taken the chicken? I think what she told you might have been... No, I was there, I remember. The chicken was on the table and their organs were outside and she said, what can you do? And they said, this is... This is bad. Yeah, this is...

Prolapse. Yeah, prolapse, yeah. And so chicken sausage. Chicken sausage, yeah. So I'm saying chicken sausage. Where do you get them from? Well, I don't buy them. You wouldn't get them from...

You get them abroad a lot. I think possibly the French. I mean, the Germans are experts on sausages, aren't they? I think they do have... It's difficult to know. What is it? It's about the shape that you don't like. It's unnatural for a chicken to be in the shape of a sausage.

Whereas if it was a burger, it would be okay. I just think mincing chicken... I think, you know... There's no spaghetti chicken. If you're going to reform, if you're going to mince chicken and reform it, the obvious thing is... A chicken nugget.

Exactly. Yeah. There's no need to... It's just a stretched nugget. Without the coating. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, perhaps you're right.

Perhaps I've been unfair on the chicken sausage. When I first said it, I thought, yeah, no, that's a slam dunk. But now I'm questioning whether I was unfair on the chicken sausage. Imagine if you worked in a factory that made chicken sausages. It would be a bad time for me. That would be really bad. Not you specifically. Oh, right, okay, yeah, just as somebody, yeah.

No, but if you were a sort of drinks do or something. And someone said, what do you do? Oh, I make chicken sausages. You'd feel like you'd taken a wrong turn. The wrong fork, if I may, in the road. Thank you. Yeah. I work in the you know the factory

up the road yes oh that one yes the one that smells of chicken yeah what do you do there

oh you make chicken nuggets no I don't no I don't make chicken nuggets oh okay you make chicken mini kieps

no no I make sausages as a matter of fact anyway who's that at the door change the subject okay what about what about drink Anyway, who's that at the door?

Change the subject. Okay, what about drink? And there are those people. Sorry. There is someone probably listening to this podcast who perhaps not this podcast. Who work in a chicken sausage factory. Maybe they're listening to the podcast as they're working there. Yeah, you're trying not to offend anybody

and actually you've offended whole groups of people. Yeah. Really. What about drink? Drink? Squash. Yeah. What's that deep sighing? That's not podcastable.

Well, I had an addiction to squash as a child. Oh, right. Oh, okay. What, Sunny Delight? No, like the... Sunny D. No, just the general squash. And I was drinking so much.

And then my mum saw on this morning that this woman came on and had a friend that drowned in her own body. I mean, you're a doctor, you know this, from having too much squash. Drowned in her own body. I mean, you're a doctor, you know this, from having too much squash. She drowned in her own body. My mum became very panicked about how much squash I had. We had to try and limit it, but it wasn't easy because the squash had become a habit. Yeah, a compulsion. A compulsion.

And so it's hard. She had to kind of lock me in my room or keep me away. Just going back a bit and unpacking that, drowning in your own body, what form would that take? I'm drowning. I mean, if you drown, you drown in your own body, don't you? Just if you drown. Yes.

In a swimming pool, for instance, you're in your own body. I guess that's true, yes. But the drowning is happening. You assume that the external, there's water around you, whereas this case there's just water inside. Yes, you're not in a squash pool. You are the squash pool. Okay, yeah.

But what is it? Who was this? Was this Philip Schofield? Well, it would have been in Philip's case. Yeah, well, it's difficult to argue with that then. Yeah. Well, I mean, did you ever have any cases of that when you were a doctor? Acute squash drowning.

Drowning in your own self. I don't think we did, actually. I mean, I wasn't across every case that came in. Yes. You've been out of the game for a while, I guess. Yeah, and a long time ago. In fact, I only did it for two years. I don't know why I keep going on about it.

Cathy Burke, who runs a much more successful podcast than either of us, she says she accused me of milking it. Wow. Yeah, yeah. But I guess you've put all those years in. It's hard to let it go, you know. Other people bring it up. Did I bring it up?

Well, I think what happened was I treated you like we were both scum. Equals. And then you said, no, no, no. No, no, no, please. There's a hierarchy here and I'm not. Yes. So what is it you hate about squash? No, I don't.

I mean, I would just say that it's a difficult one, squash. And you, as a former addict, you'll notice getting the quantity right. Because weak squash is horrible. Horrible, yes. And over strong squash is horrible. Andrible, yes. And over strong squash is horrible. And it's very difficult to gauge that. Because squashes are all different strengths. There's no standard, it seems to me.

There's no international standard of squash strength. And you don't measure it in the way you would with a shot or anything. Yeah, you don't pour in a 25 mil standard. No, exactly. And similarly with a cup of water, you might say, oh, I'll put an inch of squash in. But then if you only put an inch of water. Oh, did you see the little spark in my eyes remembering my squash days?

Like a moan, a deep kind of moan. Yes. A longing, an inner forlorn longing. I can't keep it in the house, even as an adult. I can't. I could go back. It's the tartrazine, isn't it? That's what they... I'm surprised Philip Schofield didn't mention the tartrazine.

Because I think that was the problem with squash at one time. Right. Certainly with the Sunny Delight. Their children were turning orange, I remember. Yeah, I think they were, actually, yeah. Certainly turning their urine orange. So that's my beef with it. Yeah. What other reasons

would you have for not liking a drink? Just not liking the flavour. I guess or like you've had a bad experience with it. A run in. A bad run in maybe. Something happened that you can't. Right, yeah. Have you tried the double strength? Squash?

Come off it. No, really? Who came up with that? Half the bottle. I thought the whole thing was about squash. That's as strong as it could get. It can get stronger. It's concentrated.

Yeah, they've taken it up a level. They've compressed it. It's better for the environment. But the problem is... It takes up less space in the environment. Yeah. But then the problem is that you get used to a level of squash and then soon they're going to have to get it even smaller and even...

Yeah. It's like a powder, like a pill. It's a tricky game. So fortunately you will not be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but unfortunately for you, it only has two working settings and one has your least favourite film of all time and your least favourite song.

What are they and why? Okay, well, song. I mean, I like music and I don't mind sort of trashy music either. I'm not a snob. The one that I have difficulty with the lyrics of is the Ronan Keating song. You say it best when you say nothing at all. Because that to me sounds like, what he's saying is, shut up. Right?

It's like a gas lighting yes song he's saying uh if someone says something you say yeah yeah you say it best and you say nothing at all he's like yes and he says it so beautifully it tricks you yeah and i've i've got the lyrics here actually because it gets um so it starts okay it's amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Nice, nothing wrong with that. Without saying a word, you can light up the dark. Fine. I mean, heart and dark don't rhyme, but anyway.

Half rhyme. Try as I may, I can never explain what I hear when you don't say a thing. All right, that's kind of passive aggressive. The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never touch, leave me. The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall. You say it best when you say nothing at all, right?

They can. It's like kind of the song of a kidnapper or something. Exactly. Yeah. It's like the gaslighter saying, you don't have to say anything. Because you have the gag, obviously. Don't say anything. Yes.

It's actually very repetitive, the lyrics. Yeah. Yeah. It's just the same over and over again. It is. There's no verse or such. He's just asking her, please. Please to stop talking.

Yeah. Please. But when you hold me near, you hold me near. You drown out the crowd. Try as they may, they can never define what's being said between your heart and mine. The smile on your face lets me know you need me. There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me.

See, you'll never leave me. That's the thing. You're not going anywhere. You say it best when you see nothing at all. Horrible. Horrible song. Horrible song. See, but his other one, Rollercoaster, great.

Actually, let's just check that one. Because we should look before. Famously on a rollercoaster, you're making a lot of noise. You're kind of loud. Yeah, because I'm wondering whether, I mean, it would be interesting if we discovered this now, whether there was some subtext to all of Roland Keating's lyrics that they were all about controlling women.

Wow, the pattern, yes. What a discovery we could make right now. You've really got my tail in the spin. Hey, baby, I don't even know where to begin. But, baby, I got one thing I want you to know. Wherever you go, tell me, because I'm going to go. Oh, no! It's there, the smoking gun.

We found love. Oh, so don't fight it. Don't fight it! Knife is a roller coaster. You've just got to ride it. Shut up and ride it, is what he's saying. Stop hiding. Our love is a mystery. Stop hiding! Girl, let's to ride it. Shut up and ride it, is what he's saying. Stop hiding. Our love is a mystery.

Stop hiding. Girl, let's get inside it. Yeah. He's a monster. You almost got us punched in a fight. Where's that come from? Baby, you know the one thing I've got to know. Wherever you go, tell me, because I'm going to show.

Yeah, interesting. What was his other hit? That was it, I think, for Ronan, wasn't it? That was the two, yeah. Pretty much. Well, I think, yeah, he said what he wanted to say, didn't he? Yeah, his poor wife. Unsettling, actually, yeah.

His poor... If you're listening, Mrs Keating, get in touch. Yes, but she can't probably. With Harriet, anyway. Yes, please text yes but she can't probably with Harriet anyway yes please text she probably can't call

but yeah what about films Wet Leg did the cover of it there you are I actually love Wet Leg yeah they're great aren't they on the chaise long

on the chaise long all day long on the chaise long but do they yet to follow that up yeah that one was very catchy actually yeah felt like the Shays' Long. But to their yet to follow that up. Yeah, that one was very catchy, actually. Felt like, what's her face? And it ripped them off slightly.

Who's the one that did Vampire? Chewed me up like a goddamn vampire, that one. Olivia Rodrigo. Yes. She's got a song on that album that's very wet leg. Very Shays' Long. Anyway. Your pop music knowledge is very...-leg, very Shea Sloan. Anyway. Your pop music knowledge is very... Three Girls, see?

Yes. You've got it, you've got it. Break-up songs, those are, for girls. Yes. You say it best when you say nothing at all. Shut up, where's my dinner? Where's my dinner? Where's my dinner? No, your mum's not coming round.

It's not funny, Eric. It's an awful... No, it's not funny. People are living in this awful situation. No, I mean, yeah. And the other one was film. Yes. Can I choose a TV show instead?

Please. Please. film can i choose a tv show instead please please uh yeah i think you're a bit too relaxed oh sorry uh no okay go on because that's how i think a form i think that's it's quite you have to otherwise what have i made you pink wow what have i made you pick a film right now uh well i would have to pick one. I would say sort of a love-hate thing. Just pick a TV show. Antiques Roadshow. What's happened to it?

How it's gone. This is a bit of a hobby horse of mine. I've not been keeping up with... No, well, you're probably the wrong age group. But when it started, Antiques Roadshow, it was a wonderful thing because it was obviously people genuinely bringing stuff in. They had no idea of the value.

And there was a huge backlog of stuff because no one had brought anything in. Right? Because you didn't take stuff to an antiques shop or, you know, you didn't phone up Sotheby's with some, you know, old doll's house or something up in the loft. So this was suddenly, it blew the whole thing open. And so, of course, there were these wonderful discoveries, you know, that'd be an old, I don't know,

Leonardo da Vinci painting or something. You know, the be, oh, that's worth, the guy says, oh, it's a nice brooch. And the lady says, oh, yes, it's my great auntie. She lived in Russia for a while. And you're straight away thinking, oh, Russia, right, okay. And then the expert says, does the name Carl Fabergé mean anything to you? He always does that. He never says, it's a Fabergé egg, it's worth two million quid.

He says, does the name Carl Fabergé mean anything? And then, but what's happened is, with the advent of essentially eBay, the internet, people, they go, yeah. They know what it is before they even take it. You're right. I remember Sunday afternoons, Antique Roadshow, you could get some real people.

Surprises. They'd go, oh, gosh, I had no idea. I didn't even expect. Yeah. It's wonderful. What a wonderful surprise. Yes. It's gone.

Yeah, and that's gone now because people, A, they turn up knowing what it is, exactly how much it's worth, and then they have to pretend. And why bother? Why bother? Well, the truth is they're not bothering because if you look at the numbers now, you know, when they have the drone shot of the people milling around the sort of, I don't know what they are, like kind of gazebos, the Antiques Rancho branded gazebos.

There's hardly anyone there now. There's maybe 25 people. They're at home on their computers. Yeah. So there's two things that's happened. There's very few surprises. There's a lot of watches, right? Every week there's like three or four watches.

And they're easy to find out how much watches. I would have thought. Have you ever heard of a man called Casio? Yeah. Yes? Yeah. Yeah. Senor Casio. And then, so what they're having to do, and so the prices come down.

So, for instance, the weekend, someone had bought in a, it was like a long plank of wood. And he says, oh, yeah, this is nice. Any idea what this is? And the guy goes, Aboriginal club. Okay, well, that's spoiled that. You know, at least hold that bit back. Oh, is it?

Right, yeah. He goes, yes, it is. Yeah. See, he's got nowhere to go with that now. Yeah. This is worth, I would say, probably sort of 200 or 300 pounds. Really? Okay.

All right. You know? Yeah. It's ruined. It can never come back unless we just turn off all the computers. Well, worse than that, Harriet, what has happened is they are now being forced to pad the show because this is a crown jewel in the Sunday night schedules for BBC.

No one is accepting that this is now... Dead in the water. It's kind of failing. So what happens is Fiona Bruce spends ages talking about the place that we're visiting this week. This week we're at, you know, Kemsley Castle in, you know, Northamptonshire. And look, let's have a look.

And there's all these sort of archive footage, stock footage of – let's look through the hallway. Look at this lovely old staircase and look at some of the antiques they've got. And then later on, and that's like five or ten minutes, you know. It's a fair proportion of the show. And then they'll say, oh, and now we're joined with the head, you know, restorer or a keeper of the antiques at Kemsley Castle. And you've brought in this item, haven't you?

You haven't brought it in. It was already there. And you know exactly what it is and how much it's worth. And also you're not selling, you know, because that's the other thing is that we don't want people to bring stuff in. You don't mind one or two people bringing stuff in that's not for sale, but if everyone, you know. Yeah.

Like the medals. So I have the medal expert. They never sell the medals. He says, so tell me about the young man, the brave young man, what had these medals. You know that guy? He's great, isn't he? He says, tell me about this brave young man.

He says, oh, it was my uncle. Yes, he was the last person, I don't know, to fire a gun at Hitler. Yes, well, the wonderful thing, this is the George Cross. It was only awarded

and if you see that little thing on that, that's been added on, that's an extra thing and that's worth a lot more. And have you any, I know that these mean a huge amount to you personally

and that you would never, ever contemplate selling them. So he's sort of telling them, you're not allowed to sell these. It's sort of a guilt thing. Yeah. And do you ever contemplate how much they're worth? And they say, well, no, of course they would have to stay in the family. £60,000. Oh, my God.

And there's a lot of money in. Yes. Medals. Yeah, but you can't. Well, you can't on camera anyway. Yes. No one's ever going to say, yeah, okay, yeah, I'll have,

yeah, okay, fine, yeah, I'll do that now. Cash. Just draw me a little certificate we'll put on the fridge. It's the same thing. Yeah, so it has gone downhill. And then there's another item, and I hate to bang on about it,

but there's another which they've inserted, which is called Better Best Best Better. There's three of them anyway. What would it be? Best, Better, Best, More Better. Basic, Better, Best. Yeah. And this is even more, you know, ropey because it's the antique expert has bought in his own antiques.

Right? And he said, right, this is a plate from, you know, this is one plate, this is worth £10,000. This one is only worth £2,000. This one's worth £100 or something. And Fiona Bruce, who knows nothing about antiques. You know, that's not why they've hired her. You know, she's just there as a facilitator.

Really, it should be a light touch. If you think back to, I don't know what the age group listening to this podcast is. No one knows. We haven't got the research through yet. Yeah, we can never find out. In the old days when michael aspel used to host that you hardly saw him right you'd be there at the beginning you'd be there at

the end you'd hear his voice through it now fiona bruce's lathered all over it and uh and that takes a good 10 minutes and she always shrieks with laughter and And she says, oh, I'm going to go that one's best and that one. And he goes, you're absolutely wrong. And she goes, oh, I'm so silly. Fancy that. I don't know anything about antiques. Yeah. And then, you know, I think it's a shame.

Do you remember we did this show when This Is My House? Yeah. Do you remember? Oh, we did. Yeah when this is my house yeah do you remember oh we did yeah it was yeah I felt a bit embarrassed about that

this is my I wonder where I'd seen you before this is my house I remember we sat next to each other and we did I know

yeah two episodes this is my house two episodes wasn't it yeah yeah to Glasgow right

yeah yeah yeah and Richard was Richard Madeley on one yes he was on both Richard Madeley Two episodes, wasn't it? You had to go to Glasgow, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And was Richard Maidley on one? Yes. He was on both? Richard Maidley. He was like the...

Yes. And also Judy Love, was it? Yeah. Yeah. There's a pairing. They were co-presenters. Yeah. You put them together.

Yeah. It was, yeah. It was not a bad format, that, though. No, it was batshit. Completely batshit. You had to work out whose house it was. Yeah, but the lie of it. Yeah.

Do you remember? The lie of it was that it would be pretty obvious whose house it was and they would say to us, can you choose the other person's house so it doesn't look quite so obvious? But then I think I'd be confused because they'd be like, it's obvious. And then the one that I'd think would be obvious, I'd be like, oh, I can't pick that one, so I'll pick the other one. Yeah.

And you're making it. Yeah. Yeah. Just explain the format again because that. Yes. So there's four people and then they say, this is my house. Was it called This Is Your House? It's called, but it was, I feel like it was,

my was in capitals. So it was like, this is my house. This is my house. Yeah, this is my house. Is that what it was called? I don't know. This is my house. This is my house.

So I just feel like you had to shout it. And then they had to like fight over whose house it was. And it got, it got quite nasty at points. I don't remember that. Some of them were like, oh, you know, she could never have a house like this. Yeah, she wouldn't do it. They were really going for it.

Yeah, this is... Oh, no, actually, that's not true. It was in capitals. Yes, it is true. This is my house. This is my house. It was a Richard Bacon format, wasn't it? Yeah.

And I think it only ran for one series. Was it two series? Maybe two. It was fun though. It was quite good. It did make you think, I wonder whose house it is. Whether that means it's a good show or not, I don't know. There's a lot of rubbish

on TV, isn't there? Sometimes you just want to forget. It felt daytime. You just want to, yeah. I'm going to say that. It felt daytime. So finally,

the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. What is it and why? The animal. Well, I don't really, you know, I'm forcing this

because you've made me do this you're making me you would never say this just off your own back like you would never I'm going to say the cow no

no right the cow have you seen the videos of them playing football I have seen that video you've seen them and you still

but that's an advert for cheese triangles they're not real cows they've been animated isn't it no there's footage I have seen that video. You've seen them and you still... But that's an advert for cheese triangles. They're not real cows. They've been animated. Isn't it? No, there's footage of cows playing football. What are those cheese triangles?

Dairy Lee. No, there's a Dutch one. Laughing Cow. Oh, Laughing Cow, yes. No, but they play fetch. They're like big dogs. And if you blow dry them, their hair... Have you seen this? No.

I'm sorry. I feel like I have to persuade you. That would be a lot of work though blow drying a cow have you had a bad run-in with a cow no it's really this whole thing about how they're um causing global warming yes by releasing methane but look oh gosh that's good isn't it, they come up like sort of velvet, velveteen. Aren't they wonderful? Yes. But yes, global warming is bad. Yes. But they probably don't like that.

They probably don't like that. Who doesn't not like that? You know, you're just having a little shush. They probably make them hot. A little shush. Because they would trap more air in. But it's quite cold out there in the winters, maybe. Yeah.

You don't like what they're doing to the planet with their toxic gas. They're releasing methane. And you think, okay, fine, but don't. It's like they can't stop it. We've all had that problem at one time or another. And you're able to, you know, put politeness and, you know, manners come in. And I don't think it's necessarily about a vaccine. We just, they just need to sort of hold it in. Hold it in, guys.

Come on. I don't know how we communicate that to them. I mean, if you can teach them to play football, you can stop them from burping or whatever it is, whichever way they're releasing it. You know, how do they teach them to play football? It's an instinct. It's their instinct. Come on.

Yeah. Harry, thank you so much for coming on. Was that it? Yeah, that's it. I thought it didn't build to anything. I thought there was going to be like a big... Oh, I don't want to be one of these podcast that build towards something.

No, this is just pointless chat. It just stops. We've reached the 40 minutes and that's that. It has to end. It has to end. Because now you're coming across the studio and you're going to do my podcast. And we'll see how that builds.

We'll see how that builds. We'll see how that builds. Well, it does. It finishes on a song, actually, Harriet. Well, if you could please play us out with a song, that'd be wonderful. You say it best. Boom, boom, boom, boom. When you say nothing at all.

Harry, what are you up to at the moment? Do you have tour dates or anything? Great, great. I'm going on tour. People can listen to your podcast as well. I have a podcast. Yes. Are We There Yet? Which is a family-friendly podcast. And I'm like this one now.

Family-friendly podcast. So it's for listening to you. You don't have to have kids with you in your car, but that was the niche that I was aiming at. So it was for, because a lot of podcasts are really funny and great, but you can't necessarily listen to them, can you, with a lot of swearing.

Yeah. Because there's no controls over podcasts in the way there is over radio. So it's family friendly, but I'm hoping that doesn't make it any less entertaining. So there's the podcast, and then'm hoping that doesn't make it any less entertaining. So there's the podcast. And then I'm going on tour in February around the country. 78 dates. It's going to kill me, Harriet. I am 60 now. I remember seeing you years and years ago at the Bearcat.

And it was one of the best things I've ever seen. Bearcat. It was very good. Well, you know, the Bearcat Club in Twickenham, best things I've ever seen. Oh, God, Bearcat. It was very, very good. Well, you know, the Bearcat Club in Twickenham, it's just gone 40. It's just celebrated its 40 years. But I had some bad ones there. The third gig I ever did was there.

So it was an open spot. And I went down to complete silence. And you know that place you have to walk out through the audience to get out. I tried to climb out the window, but you couldn't. Yeah, yeah. So I've had lots of different experiences there. But thank you for that.

Yeah, I mean, it's impossible to imagine that. Thank you so much for coming on. My pleasure. And your excellent choices. Shall we go and record my one? Yeah, let's immediately just keep it rolling, shall we?