Desert Island Dicks - HEIDI REGAN

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

Comedian Heidi Regan joins Harriet to share who and what she would hate to be stuck with on a desert island.... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. Today we are joined by comedian, friend, cool person, Heidi Regan. I am on tour so come and see me in real life, in the flesh, around the country. There's tickets at harrietkemsley.com, that is my website, I've designed it myself, no complaints show is called everything always works out for me um because uh it went very badly the last couple of years make sure um you follow us on instagram at dixpod and you can also follow me at harriet kemsley and you can get in touch with the podcast if you email desertislanddixpodcast at gmail.com that is it for now here is desert island dix with Heidi Regan.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Heidi Regan. Hello. Hello, Heidi. Nice to be here. Big fan of the show. Big fan of Harriet. Big fan of Island Dicks. It feels very weird having you on because you're, there's been like friends of mine from comedy on before, but you're like a friend from the before. Yeah.

I know the dark times, Harriet. You know me before and then. To be fair, I think when I met you, you whispered to me, I've just started to stand up, like the second time I met you. So I only got to experience pre-comedy Harriet very briefly. And I've got to say she was nicer. You took a turn. The energy left my body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Heidi used to be worked typing up the news yeah which I don't think exists as a job anymore but you made it sound a lot more glamorous or like worthy than it was like you imagine like in an office or something just like in the 50s and we were in an office if you don't yeah but it was like very underground yeah and we had to be at our desks at 6 a.m and so very often we're like in the winter, like didn't see daylight. Yeah. And you were in, you were the ground below me.

I'm not saying I had higher staff. I think I was above you because I was there longer. I did that job for so long. Yeah. But you were given, you were a basement dweller. And I think that, but I can't believe you did stand up with those hours. When I, I didn't start stand up until after that and I would never have been able to do it was crazy because you had to be at your desk at six and I'd get home from a gig and there's the adrenaline from starting stand up I wouldn't be able to sleep and then you just had to get up and

go to it and then I can't remember who it was but somebody when I finally because I told you that I didn't tell everybody and then finally like someone in the office when I told them they were like thank god we thought you had like a really bad drug problem because you were just like going around like talking to yourself like going to the toilet all the time and you just looked so awful mad my kid like my kidneys hurt like that had never happened before where like they just was like this dull pain in my um in my uh what is that stomach I guess yeah you um yeah I'm gonna say yes um you would have been in like two hours sleep at night sometimes yeah it was mad and were you like me um I hope people still think I they

used to think I was very weird that we would I'd we had to be in there at 6, so I had to leave the house at 5.20 and I got up at 4am. No, that's mad. And everyone was like, that's mad. But I can't rush. I would rather be up an hour earlier. And they were like, what are you doing that time? I was like, eating my cereal at 4am and I watched all of Breaking Bad. It's very weird to watch Breaking Bad at 4am and then run out the door but I can't

rush so yeah you're is that so I'm trying to learn to rush less because I'm even if there's even if the deadline is far off like I'm just like rushing and then because I'll do something and then that will lead to another catastrophe and then that catastrophe and it's like a constant rush and I think I need to slow down and I think that's you are like a potterer I must potter and I think I need to slow down. And I think that's, you are like a potterer. I must potter and I can't rush. And if I rush, I forget everything and I'm very sad. So you've learned, like this isn't, it's not innate. That you're a potterer. No, no.

You have learned to potter. Yeah, I've learned to potter and I will always potter even if it's a 4am wake up because otherwise I would be sad the whole day and I would have forgotten everything and I would arrive very stressed. How did you do that? How did you become a potterer? I think, you know, pottering is just thrust upon you. I don't know.

I can't remember a time. I think it was the 4am job, I guess. No, it must have been before that. You were like, in order to have quality of life, I have to get up and do this otherwise I didn't think of it in those I just thought I can't get ready in less than an hour

and a half and then when people got me to break down what I did they were like also you know me I don't have a skincare routine I barely brush my hair and they were like so what are you doing? You're having Weetabix I'm having a slow 4am Weetabix and I'm watching 20 minutes of a show. And yeah, even now I don't watch a show in the morning and I still give myself an hour and a half.

Yeah, because you stayed at mine. And then I was like, oh, I was worried the baby was going to wake you up. Yeah. But then you would be up, like you'd just be up. Yeah. Because you had to. And then I was like, why is she like, if it was me, it was me I'd be like oh enjoy this time just like lounging well also back to that job I've I can't sleep in ever since doing that job because I did that job on and off for seven years and getting up at

4am for seven years it changes you in ways you'll never fully know the force of the 4am club is different to the 5am club the 5am club like they're very successful like billionaires it's like they're all like they're doing ice baths yeah like bio hacking and doing all this kind of stuff yeah it's clearly that extra hour um ruins your life and you will never be successful I literally just spend my time coming to terms like look some things they're just not in your grasp, especially ice baths. Yeah, because it's like you're not doing the meditation and all these things that make these people there. Like, I have to run like five hours and then do this.

You're like, no, I'm just pottering about. Yeah, I literally the other day saw a TikTok, not to brag, that was about how to start your day better. And it said, get out the door immediately, have 10 minutes in the sun. I've seen this. Yep. And I did it on the Saturday and I managed it. But Monday to Friday I'm like, no, I'm jam-packed here eating my winter fish.

I can't go outside. And it said five minutes meditation. Haven't achieved it. Too much Breaking Bad. I genuinely have an hour and a half to get ready I don't know what I do in it there's a chance I just stare at the wall and enter a fugue state but without my fugue state I just cannot do not talk to me till I've had my fugue it's always an hour and a half yeah could you condense it if you had to? Well, I'm saying an hour and a half. So it's simple for the listener.

It's actually an hour and 22 minutes. So maybe I could shave a minute, but I've tried an hour and 10. I'm late. An hour and 10 is too late. Yeah. You're not putting on makeup. No, I do that after I leave. I don't know what I'm doing.

I have a pretty good long shower. And I think I genuinely sit. I don't know what I do. Yeah, I think you sit. Yeah, when I stayed with you, I probably just chatted to you, got in the way. No, but it was so sweet. It was like a very wholesome start. But I'm just always like, I have to have a mission.

I'm doing this. And then this has to, and then it's like, it's so lovely and like, I'm baffling to watch. Yeah. I, maybe it's from watching years of rom-coms where they run out the door with a bagel in their mouth and a handbag.

And they're like, I can't do it. And I would get so stressed watching that, that I was like, I will never become that woman. Yeah. Emphasis on woman. Men would never. Yeah. Boo. Yeah. Emphasis on woman. Men would never.

Yeah, boo. Anyway, we should really get on time to discover the key to your pottery. We should really get into the task at hand. Now that we've had like a nice... Potter. That was a bit of a potter. Exactly, into the introduction.

How did you find putting together your choices for the island? Well, Harriet, it was very um good for I think learning about yourself because I realized I had a running theme and also there was a lot of I need to work on myself and the running theme was I hate entitlement but I think the reason I hate it is I can't stand up to anyone and I'm full of this rage inside and um so I'm going to try to change after this podcast whoa not before I don't think we've ever had anyone happy quite so learned so much yeah yeah I think all your guests are going away better people and probably the listener.

Okay, well, this is intriguing. Who is the first person? Okay, so I couldn't narrow it down to three, so I did groups, but I will narrow it down now. And I was just lots of generic people, but I feel like you would want a specific. So I will end with a real person, and then the others are categories of people. So the first, let's say the first category, easy one, very relatable.

So I hate noise of all kind. I think, you know, people playing noises out on their phone out loud and all that kind of thing. I was like, yeah, everyone hates that. So I'll go for my very specific one, which is people who whistle in public, tuneless whistling, like jaunty whistling. I've even tried to do stand-up about it and no one gets on board and the audience, I think, gets turned off by how full of rage I am

and you don't understand. I feel like it's not, I think it's not something you see so much anymore. Like it feels like that's like something from the 50s. Yes, Harriet. You're correct. So if it does happen, you're like, this is 2025. What are you doing?

And Harriet, let me ask you a question. The rage is coming out quite quickly. I thought it would. Here's where it gets into the entitlement already. Have you ever, and I'm not one to draw gender lines but i've been asking audiences have you ever heard a woman follow you around the tube whistling tunelessly they're not following me but they just always yeah it's always a man and it's not all men hashtag it's a certain type of man who's just like oh what a lovely quiet train

carriage I'm gonna fill it with a tune that isn't even a real tune and I'm gonna follow Heidi all through the tube whistlier and I look at them I'm like you're so pleased with yourself and you think everyone wants to hear you yes this is such feels like such a targeted attack though like I've never I've never this ever happened to you? Have you ever, you have been. Do you find that annoying? Or are you looking nervous because you are that man James? I can forgive. I'm looking nervous

because I don't talk on the phone. I feel like we need a separate I'm going to have to edit this out. You do it or it's happened to you? I am listening to you thinking I was whistling earlier. You're a whistler. We can't edit this out.

He's a whistler. The world needs to know. The call is coming from inside the house and it's a whistle. I didn't realise I was doing it until it, yeah. It makes me seem even more weird. I was listening to Irish folk music on the way into work. Okay, well you have won me round. The tune was in my head and then I was just whistling it.

Okay. That is so interesting, because James is a lovely man. Are we editing this out? You're assuming. Can we all be able to hear you? Yeah. Because I think we should keep this in, because James is a lovely man,

but you assume the way you described it was like somebody was coming for you. This is why I said I'm trying to learn about myself from this because I feel like it's directing rage at specific targets. So obviously, James, you come across very lovely and not entitled. And maybe the tune was more, I think what I hate, I'm not going to backtrack, you have done a bad thing but um it's not just that it's the noise it's that they're like usually just making up a tune on the spot

and I'm like yeah you think you're a musician it's like and it's like filling the space or it's like man spreading but audio you're imagining what they're thinking oh definitely yeah you're you're going to the worst place because my brother he also he hates people like he hates people playing the piano or anything like in um in public spaces you know when they just leave out the pianos and it makes him so furious because he's like i don't want to hear them why are they so arrogant that they think we want to hear them yeah it's the same as you it's like it's like assuming that people want to hear you. What does that mean? Well, and also the big elephant in the room,

I'm a stand-up comedian who assumes people. But I guess for me, I also look at that and I go, I only do it in the space I am asked. People pay to listen to me talk. I don't talk offstage. I never heckle. I only talk when it's expected. I never whistle.

So you think the whistling should become like a profession or something that is licensed in a way that can only be performed at certain venues at certain times? I would even enjoy that whistling. It is unasked for and it's sudden and I have misophonia, I think, so I hate any noise. Yes. And it's also because it's sound, it's tuneless,

it feels like it's the same person just following me around the country whistling. It's James. It's James. And he's now in the room with me and I can't look him in the eye. He's got you at last. He's tricked you to go into the podcast. So this is fascinating.

And misophonia is when you hate, you're particularly sensitive to noises. Is that right? I could have made all my entrants just different noises, but I was like, let's go for one specific. Because I think I have that for smell. Is there a... I've never heard of this. A miso smelly heritage.

A miso smelly doctor I'm worried I have me so smelly um I'm worried I'm so slow I'm not worried that I'm smelly I am very like I am very aware of smells like I don't like bad smells what what smells and just I I can I can just pick like I'll go into places and I'll be like you have mold um or like I will um and it's not I think um other people people that I'm speaking about maybe have lower tolerance to smells yeah yeah I just and then I can't focus if the smell is there I think I used to be like oh I've got a really good sense of smell because I would know if someone had crushed an ant in their house. Crushed an ant?

Yeah. You can smell a dead ant? Yeah. I think it's called formic acid. Wait, are these like weird Australian ants? These Australian ants. Yeah, okay. Because I was going to say, yeah, these tiny ants.

Oh, you've got to crush an ant. Yeah, I haven't smelled it here. You're right. But I think I don't have what you have, which is the distraction from it. I was more just like ants being crushed. You're not like, oh, disgusting. Yeah. But that's upsetting for you.

Yeah, because I'm not distracted by nice smells. Just bad smells. Yes. But I guess that's subjective. What is a bad smell? Some people might love rotten egg. You need to grow up. Okay, so you're very sensitive to noise

and there's people walking around very insensitively, James, around the country just making noises and you take that as a personal attack. Yeah, when you summarise it, as I said, I've already realised I need to work on myself and you've really brought that into clarity I brought you here to address a few things and do you do you have headphones yes and I wear them everywhere but you still can hear yeah obnoxious prick yeah the louder James is the more i hear it you still hear it over there yeah and do

you have those earplugs that are they called yes i bought the noise like whatever they were and i didn't they didn't seem to help so but i have like big noise cancelling yeah earphones i wear everywhere like i've got issues yeah you're gonna need to bring those to this island yeah oh yeah but they are um you know you go charge them and they literally just run out of battery so oh no I'm gonna have to just uh work on myself yeah and be like you know but on an island we won't have any music so maybe the whistling will be something I appreciate I it. I cannot see how I will ever appreciate it. Okay, what's the second person? So, second one, I mean, what shall I say?

Okay, I'm deciding whether to do one that feels like a personal attack at you, but it's not you. Okay, okay, yeah, let's do that. So it's not you, but you happen to you. Okay. Okay. Yeah, let's do that. So it's not you, but you happen to... You come for James. You come for me. It's not you because I know you don't do this. So it's a specific type of dog owner.

Oh. But I also, I think I heard you have talked about dogs on a podcast. Yes. So I'm happy to do a different... Basically, it's not dogs. It's... Dog owners's dog again it's entitlement okay and it's a it's a as an Australian coming here I was flummoxed how dogs were everywhere and like and I used I I love dogs but I don't like when it's a big dog that is getting all up in your

grill on a train I don't think you have dogs on trains in Australia and that it's a big dog that is getting all up in your grill on a train. I don't think you have dogs on trains in Australia. And it's the owners that say to you, he's fine, he won't hurt you. And or like you're at the Hampstead Heath and they're like jumping on you and they're like annoyed at you for like being in the way of their dog. And I think the thing I found craziest was like I have good friends who are good people and they're not entitled who have been incensed when they've been told to not bring their dog into the supermarket where it's, like, sniffing at the and they get angry at the security guard.

But, Heidi, it's so annoying when you can't bring your dog inside. Like, because I can't. I need to walk my dog, but I can't walk my dog to Tesco's. And is annoying when you can't bring your dog inside. Like, because I can't, I need to walk my dog, but I can't walk my dog to Tesco's. And is it because you can't, like in Australia, you would tie the dog up outside, but maybe that's like olden days and maybe in Australia they don't do that anymore. You couldn't do that now because they get stolen.

Yeah, your little doggy will get stolen. You want the dogs to get stolen, Heidi? I don't want that. And also, it's not that I'm worried about the germs. It's, as I said, it's the entitlement. The entitlement of the person. But it's like loving something else. It's like everywhere I go, I want to be able to bring Sunny.

And my dog is very small. Also, as I said, it's not an attack at you because you're very nice. And he was very welcoming when you stayed. Yeah, yeah. It feels like. He was very welcoming. He went great legs hiding to make he was very welcome he went great leg to make you feel very welcome he really did and um and you're not this but i was just like yes i

think it's the people that get annoyed if they're even questioned whereas i don't think you would do that you know what's really interesting is um i guess you and shauna two of my closest friends that have done the podcast and I think you have both said dogs and it's felt like it's a personal Was he saying dogs? and you but I think it felt like it was targeted at me

that time as well yeah so it does feel like people are coming here to say that I need to address I can do my other one that was instead of that No, no this is I think it's important, I hear it You I can do my other one that was instead of that. No no this is I think it's important I hear it. You probably do do the other thing anyway it was people who

queue but don't then they queue just one step back from where the queue where they should be so you're on edge going are they in the queue are you in the queue or not and then also they chat and then the queue moves forward a bit and you know that they're like well yeah we can't

doesn't mean anything but you're like I'm so on edge until you move forward but I don't I don't want to be the one asking and that's probably you with your dog. I hate that as well. That's me and the dog. No because I'm I'm going in front of people that are doing that and then they're getting cross with me and then they're saying what are you doing I'm in the queue and I'm, but there was a big like, what are you talking about? You weren't like queue ready. Like you have to focus on the queue. If you want to be in the queue, you have to take the queue seriously. And you know why they don't take it seriously? Entitled. Extracted. Yes, they are with me.

There's some real entitled people out there on that, Heidi. And also I am one of them and I do all these things. But it's what um yeah and also if they're on a desert island there won't be any queuing so maybe I won't have issues with them yeah and there won't be any insides to take dogs into but I think I think on a desert island um there wouldn't be queues but there'd be like um there'd be small amounts of resources and so actually queuing would become very like all that kind of like waiting or taking your turn would become very extreme oh yes and so

actually i think it would be worse yes if i was abandoned on a desert island and i had my dog how would you i'd be really happy because you keep saying i like dogs but then everything you're saying around it is like in australia we have dogs, but they're not allowed in places. They just like, they live like foxes. Yeah. And I think it's changed a bit. Like people used to just leave them in their backyard all day. And my friend said, actually, I think that was a cruel thing of the 90s or something.

I think a lot of it, and it wasn't like, I feel like dog walking has become a thing. Yeah. It wasn't maybe when. Yeah, it wasn't in Australia. Yeah, I don't think it was in Canada, or at least that's what my ex-husband says when it was his turn to walk the dog. Okay, so what is your third?

Okay, so my third one, an actual human, because I was like, I've got to stop going so generic, and I thought I'll go the physical embodiment of entitlement I hope they haven't been done already but I figure what what why I don't like him is because he gets away with things everyone forgets it's the classic Boris Johnson I picked him because um partly because I know if I met him I'd get on with him and I like him and I I dislike him for that yes I don't even hate him but I dislike what he embodies and what he's got away with I feel like I had personal reasons to

dislike him all through the pandemic I felt like he made a lot of fun little errors that ruined my life and while he was doing that yeah he was like having babies doing what he wanted and I was there going I'm having a tough old time and I'm I'm privileged lots of people having worse time and everyone's gonna laugh with him in a year and that's I mean it's not a fun reason or choice but I think he listens to the podcast and he needs to know he's hurt some people's feelings did you um did you enjoy his book I did not read his book yeah um I I don't like that he got paid money for that yeah I think he gets paid for a lot a lot of money for a lot of things yeah it just feels like why are we rewarding bad behavior Well, from a stand-up point of view,

the thing that made me angriest at him before all the pandemic stuff was, have you heard the story about him doing, what is it, like speaking engagements and he's doing one with like Jeremy Irons, not Jeremy Irons, who's the guy that has the talk show, Jeremy Kyle? No. Oh, Jeremy Kyle, the one that... Yeah. Oh, do you mean Jeremy Vine?

Oh, maybe. I can't remember who it was. But I think he wrote an article about how he did one. Jeremy Beadle. It was definitely Jeremy Beadle. Yes. And he was doing a conference. Beadle's about, yeah.

And he said that he did one with Boris and Boris showed up late and everyone was panicking and then Boris arrived and he was like, what even is this thing? And he wrote down on a piece of paper three words and Jeremy Beadle was saying, oh, no, it's going to be a disaster and all that and then he got on stage and he waffled through the three things kind of and he looked behind him to remember where he was and that got a big laugh

and Jeremy Beadle was shocked that he had been so charming and been so chaotic and so unprepared and then he did another and he was very lovely to Jeremy and then a year later they ran into each other another one and Boris did the exact same thing like word for word and he was like oh it's all an act which I think I know we all know that now. But at the time I didn't know it and I'd been like ready to be charmed by bits of him and I was like, sinister. Even though, again, I am a stand-up who gets on stage. But the audience knows I'm not pretending to be forgetful. It's a character.

It's all a character. Who is the real Boris Johnson? How entitled of him. Yeah, it's not connected. They say that when you dislike someone, it's like you're shining a light, like something in yourself. Oh, Katie Harriet.

We've become a therapy podcast in 2025. What do you think that he has that you that you want in yourself oh I mean or that you dislike in yourself I think I'm probably so similar to him it would crush me and I yeah definitely the like he's got an intense need to be liked yeah guilty whatever you want me to say um and and I think he probably in the right setting he'd be a lovely guy and would have been a lovely guy and I only resent him because he chose to I think I would I would stop at uh destroying the country for some attention that's that's cool yeah. I respect that. Thank you. I've always said that's my line.

Yeah. Yeah. It's good to have a line. Thank you. It's good. Okay. So Heidi, now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. But unfortunately for you, it is your least favorite food and drinks in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? Well, unlike the other things, I don't have strong emotions on food so this is hard well this is fun because there was a rumor for a while um what was it was started by Sunil Patel he said I think you correct me if I'm wrong I think he told people that I I don't know if it was like I don't sense it was something like I only hear white noise when I eat yeah you don't know if it was like I don't sense. It was something like I only hear white noise when I eat. Yeah, you don't enjoy food. You're a person that you don't really taste. It was like that was the concept behind it.

Which is not true. I do enjoy food very much, but I think I just don't care about the details or something and I didn't like to cook and all that and I can just eat for fuel. That was it, that you eat for fuel that you don't you don't enjoy food but but I eat for fuel when I need to but like I also can't say no to chocolate and all that stuff so I do like food but I think any I don't have severe hatred of any food but I. I mean, I wrote down what I could. So this was hard for you?

Because I hate some things. I think I hate things, but they didn't come to mind. It's not on my mind. I'm too busy thinking about people whistling. So you're much more neutral. So you don't love certain things in food, food-wise? I love choc-chip cookies and cookie dough. Okay, yeah.

And that's about it. And ice magic. What's ice magic? It's, I think it's only in Australia, it's a chocolate topping for ice cream that goes hard. No, we have that, yeah, I love that. Oh, I should not know that because I literally was just back home and I had to make my dad hide it in the house.

And then I found it and I said, you didn't hide it well enough and he had to hide my dad hide it in the house. And then I found it and I said, you didn't hide it well enough. And he had to hide it again. It's very carcinogenic, I think. So you just, you get like a scoop of ice cream and then you just pour it on and then it makes like a hard shell around the ice cream. Yes. We got that. And the more bad a place I'm in emotionally, the less ice cream, the more.

The harder your shell. Oh my God. I am a therapist these days. This is crazy. So, okay. so what did you say that you hate so I wrote down I mean I've got the boring ones like brussels sprouts and that but I was like I don't but the only thing I have that I find perplexing but again I'm like I could be convinced otherwise uh when I like sultanas but if they're added to anything, then they ruin it for me. So I don't like mixing textures and things,

and I don't like drinking coffee with food and all that, but sultanas is what gets me. And if someone says, oh, here's a scone, that's the classic, or scone. If it's got sultanas in it, you've ruined it. Have you ever had a Danish with sultanas in it, you've ruined it. But have you ever had like a sultana, like a Danish with sultanas in it? Yeah, I hate them. And I'm so sad. I don't think I've said the word sultana so many times

since I was like seven years old. Yeah, it doesn't come up in your life often. No, no, rarely. This is what I mean. I had to dig deep. I think because I feel like I have a lot of like specific memories around food as to why I hate them. Like I remember I feel like I have a lot of like specific memories around food as to why I hate them.

Like I remember I am and I've got over this like but like for a while I really hated raisins because I ate one once and it had this bit of a stalk. Yeah. And I was just so disgusted and horrified by it that I like couldn't process raisins for so long. Like did you have a specific like bad incident? Did you have a run in with a sultana? I've had that incident with raisins and I agree it's horrific yeah why is it so bad I don't know because I feel like maybe we'd be more mature about it now that's the problem no okay yeah no I

agree yeah and I hate yeah so um I don't know but I think every time like same as I don't like fruit cake and all that but I think it, but I think for me it's sneaky. It's ruining a lovely treat with fruit and trying to, it's like your parents sneaking in good health into something. You're like, no, we can, I'll eat it separate. Don't ruin something wonderful. What if you could only have a cookie but it had sultanas in it? I go through that dilemma often

and i go no cookie really because it's ruined my favorite thing see that is strong feelings you do have strong feelings thank you you have to access i do have boundaries yeah yeah this really is therapy i'm gonna spreading that rumour about you that you don't taste. Okay, so what about drinks? Well, do you want a hopeful story? I'd love a hopeful story, yeah. Thank you. It's the start of the year.

I'm just like, no. Thank you. I put down sparkling water. Okay. Oh, that you don't like? Sparkling water? Yeah. And I would say I hated it.

And I have hated it my entire life. And I wrote it down yesterday morning in this list without even worrying. And then I don't know what was going on, the gods of whatever. But I went to swim some laps and I thought, I haven't know what was going on, the gods of whatever. But I went to swim some laps and I thought I haven't got any water and I need water and I went to a shop and they only had sparkling water and I was like this is disgusting but I don't want to stop. So I took it. Not great when you're swimming laps.

I could only have a tiny sip. I was like oh. But then I went to do some work and I've quit Diet Coke and all that recently and drinking. It was the first time ever I understood why people say the bubbles make it fun when I used to say the bubbles ruin the water. It makes it fun. It's like the water's an adventure.

Yeah. Wow. But that's like all my life and I hated it so much I put it down on the list. Do you think you got a particularly like carbonated one as a child or something? Or you just didn't like it? Sorry. Are you a big water drinker?

No, I drink enough. I'm not anti it. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say I'm on the fence with water. But I think it was the same thing as the Sultanas in, it's like the shock when you think you're drinking water. It's when you're at like a wedding or something

and you go to drink water and they've spiked it with. That's it. And I think that's why some people don't like sparkling water is because of that shock. They had such a shock. Yeah. They were so shocked by it. Yeah.

They were put off for life. Yeah. No one likes to, it's kind of just reminding you that nothing in life is certain. And you don't want that at a wedding. No. You want to feel commitment. How are you coping without Diet Coke? Fine.

Surprisingly fine. I was pretty addicted. Yeah. And then I just stopped a few weeks ago. I've done it before for like a year or two and it was fine how many how many are we talking I was only having one a day but that's because you were monitoring it yeah and I could have two a day happily or three but um I was trying to stick to one because I didn't want my teeth to fall out entirely but um yeah but I'm fine without it and I hear it's

pretty bad for you yeah I have a bit of an addiction and I need to stop I think I need to I was I've been stocking it at home and I think that's really bad and then I think I should only have it like out as a treat yeah and not have it at home like having it at home is like that's bad well that I think stand-up makes it hard to quit because you have it when you're at a gig and you don't want to drink alcohol. But now I've come up with this whole put in fizz in water, I think this could catch on. I like a soda water before I go on stage actually, yeah.

Yes. Or a lemon lime and soda. But there's something about Coke that's so exciting and there's something so exciting about having like, I really like Coke Zero now and like having the fridge in the fridge at your home as an adult oh yeah it's like I can do it whenever I want like and I don't usually but I could just have one at like 9am like that's mad and it's I'm only hurting myself I know that okay it's gonna end really badly but sometimes Heidi I wake up in the night yeah I remember when I stayed with you

actually yeah also pepsi, I find, is better. Really? I'm probably going to get a Pepsi Max after I leave. There's some comedians that are quite obsessed with Pepsi Max Cherry, I think. Oh, that is disgusting. Again, that was a shock. I thought I had bought a Pepsi Max and then it was Cherry Flavor. You don't like the flavors.

Well, I didn't like the shock and I don't like Cherry. You don't like shock. You don't like to be surprised and you don't like entitlement. Yeah. And what? Sue me. Are those bad things to not like? No, it's just nice.

These are things I've known you for so many years, but these are things that like I just feel like I'm learning more about you and it's beautiful. Yeah. When people asked you about me in the past, you said, I think she's on board with entitlement. She loves entitlement. You should put something in her food.

And then sneak up on her so Heidi fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the plane's entertainment system continues to work but just your luck Heidi it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song what are they and why um I chose for the worst film to be on an island with uh the scream franchise and especially number one so spooky on an island yeah behind a palm tree or something just yeah up on you yeah i'd hate that yeah also i just i wish that was the tagline so spooky on an island they should do scream on an island. They should do Scream on an Island. Stop giving them more ideas.

Yeah, I had a traumatic experience with Scream, like so traumatic. Yeah. I think this is a place to tell that story. Oh, thank you. I feel safe. I saw it with my friends when I was 15 and my friend Jess, her parents were away for the night, my parents were away for the night and so we watched it at a birthday party and then we got a lift back

and I'd never seen a serial killer horror or a horror. Is there something so unsettling at that age, like watching something that's scary? Yeah, and also it was about like it starts with Drew Barrymore who's like 16 in the film and we were going home to the exact same setting and she had like a screen, a glass door thing that she died outside that. We lived with like trees behind us and a glass, everything matched.

And then my brother was out at a party and then didn't get home until late and then when he got home at like 1am, he rang the doorbell. Everything that was happening was like the film and I was so traumatised. And then my friend Jess, her younger brother, was obsessed with it. And for the next four years, every time I went to their house, he was playing all the Scream films in his room. When he found out I was scared, he would, when I went to the toilet, he would hide with the mask on

and then jump out at me. And you don't like surprise. It's so weird. They also had a dog the same as your dog. Once he jumped out. This idea is all making sense. Oh, my God. He threw the dog at me as I came out of the bathroom or something whilst wearing a screen mask.

So I'm quite traumatised by screen. Yeah, that's fair. That's really fair. Can you watch horror films now? No, I don't. No, I can't. I can watch a ghost one at a pinch, but nothing with real people. Yeah, my imagination is too.

Yeah. I just think there. I just assume I'm living it well my friend pointed out to me once here's some therapy for us he was like when I said my biggest fear was a serial killer like that he was like that's very narcissistic Heidi to think that a serial killer would target you and I was like great now I'm scared and I feel bad about myself okay I think that friend was being a bit of a dick. Yeah.

Because I think, but there's also like, sometimes I think about this, like people have different things. Like I would rather, sometimes, this might be a bit too dark, but sometimes I walk in the road rather than walking on like a quiet pavement. I know that that sounds really dangerous, but it's like, I would rather be run over

than like kidnapped. And so it's like you choose the thing that you're least scared of so you think on the pavement you've got more chance of kidnapping because they'll pull you yes there's like dark corners oh yeah yeah get you where sometimes I just um like I don't do this like in a dangerous way but I'm like like I'm not a danger to anyone else but I'm like I just would rather walk on the road because then it's like I'm lit up and look I'll bounce off a car yeah but I won't bounce back from being kidnapped there we go yeah I'm not a fighter I'm a rule breaker on the on the road yeah no I agree with you wholeheartedly my only question is knowing you uh how you walk you can be a bit like, you're distracted.

Yeah, you can't predict it. You don't know where it's going. I'm actually quite worried for you now. Whereas I think the weaving would turn the kidnapper off. Oh, okay. So you think I'm fine just walking on the side? Yeah, I mean, don't hold me to it if you get kidnapped. Okay, well, you heard it here.

These words are, yes. They are down now forever. Yeah, okay, that's good. Okay, and, you heard it here. These words are. Yes. They are down now forever. Okay, that's good. Okay, and what about music? Music. So this is just to take as an apology to James for going so hard on Whistlers. I have chosen the Nokia ringtones because my., I don't know I'm doing it, but I imitate like phone rings and that without knowing.

So, yes, exactly what I said, tuneless whistlers do. So what you go like da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Exactly that. And I'm impressed you knew the tune straight away. And when we, me and my friend Megan and Jess, who you've met, we went backpacking around Europe when we were like in our, when we were 20 and I didn't, one of them had that as a ringtone and Megan was like, I will kill you.

And I was like, what's wrong? And she was like, you don't even know you're doing it. And I spent six weeks just going da-da she was like, you don't even know you're doing it. And I spent six weeks just going, and then I would do like a jazz version, everything. What's the jazz version? Oh no, that was the, I don't know if that's knocky.

I was like, and I would like do jazz hands. Yeah, they had a distillation of them, yeah. Heidi, you are the whistler. I know. Okay, but what a beautiful circle we've come on yeah you hate everything about yourself i do i do and i am running for leadership of victoria party okay yeah oh my god and yeah that's great that's hellish the idea of being stuck listening to me listening to me singing on a loop. I would just walk into the sea. Yeah, that's bad.

Yeah. My wife was reading about echolalia and she went to me. I'm so sorry. So she said, oh, have you heard of echolalia? And I started to go, echolalia, like just to go echolalia like just thinking this is a fun noise and like she laughed she's like it's when you imitate noise you have that you're like a parrot yeah thank you but only not for humans or anything just for those noises so the worst kind of parrot like I used to do like our windscreen wipers

for years and years. Was it a good impression? It was just, I did it to mum the other day and she went, that was them. It was just like a, but I would walk around school doing it. You know, be such a funny talent to do specific car.

Like that's a Nissan Jukean juke yeah that's my panasonic vcr um loading the vhs um okay heidi finally i mean are you ready slagged off dogs what um what animal is your biggest dick of the animals um what animal has the biggest um i choose for fear lizards lizards and for funny annoyance magpies which would you like i i want both i can't understand why you're afraid of lizards when you live somewhere where there's snakes. Yes. Spiders. Again, snakes, spiders, they keep to themselves.

I was fine with lizards. And then I had three very upsetting... Whistling lizards. Yeah. I basically have had lizards, giant lizards, crawl up me three times. Crawl up you? Crawl up my back.

Okay, great. Thanks. One. And they've just got right up in my grill. And I feel like lizards have no fear of invading your space, whereas with snakes and that, it's like they don't come at you unless. They want to kill you. Yeah.

But lizards, I'd rather die from a snake but lizards can't do anything yeah and they kill you but do you know what it feels like to have a lizard like body this 37 i actually think that'd be so cool i'd be so giggly if a lizard was climbing on me well you would take that back in seconds if you are the fit i can still feel it it was it was just climbing on you with its little body a little lizard yeah that's it i mean yeah the way you say that that sounds nice it's my problem what kind of lizard did it i need it was a something dragon king dragon a king dragon lizard we were on heidi we, we just have rats here. You don't understand how lucky you are. No, lizards are terrifying.

And they've got big claws. In its defence, we found out... Whoa, that's fucking terrifying. It just came up. Show me, show me. Fucking hell. Was it doing that? Oh, no, but that was my first incident.

Look, it's like the spitting dinosaur in Jurassic Park. That was my first. Yeah, that was my first incident. Look, it's like the spitting dinosaur in Jurassic Park. That was my first. Yeah, that was my first ever incident. And I wasn't scared of them yet, but I was climbing up a cliff with my brother when I was like seven or eight and I got to the top and there was a frilled neck lizard waiting right there at the top of the boulder. And it did that at me.

And I was like going, what do I do? And my brother was like, just crawl around it. And it was like going. And then it frills out. Yeah. Fuck. That is scary. But the other lizard wasn't doing that.

No. It was just potting around. The other lizard, we found out later, we were in its mating area. So it was on us. But why would they have their mating area next to the pool at the hotel we were staying at? That's hot. Yeah.

Oh, I guess I see now why. They wanted a pina colada. They're like, if the humans are using it for this, we should too. Okay. Well, you've got to get its magpies. Well, I'm okay with them, but I was telling people about this yesterday and they laughed at me so hard that I was like, oh, well, maybe. Anyway, so I was like saying, oh, you know how when you go out to hang out the washing,

you used to have to wear an ice cream bucket on your head with a face drawn on top of it to stop the magpies dive-bombing you? Wait, sorry, what? That's what their reaction was. And they looked at me like I was an idiot and that I dreamt it. And then we Googled it, came up straight away. It's Australian thing, I believe. Any Australian listeners will agree magpies go for your head and they used to go for me and my brother's hair apparently

because it was close in colour to their nest but in general it would go for it and so you'd go out to hang out the washing and magpies would just swoop you and like try to peck at your head and then everyone was told wear an ice cream bucket on your head with a face on it and if you Google it you'll see people doing it and then that stops them. And it's really dangerous. My brother, when we were like 12 or something, he was in front of me on our bikes and we weren't wearing helmets because we just packed him in the car and a magpie swooped him, went

over the front of his bike and he got like a hole in his head and concussion and they do that all the time and people have died from it. Why do they only do that in Australia? I thought they did it here. That's why I brought it up. And then everyone looked at me like I was an idiot. That's crazy. I guess all the animals in Australia, they're like,

oh, I've got to have a thing. Yeah, or they're like, it's upside down here. So they think the nest is in the sky when it's on the ground. Or in a child's head. Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. Okay, well, look, your island seems fucked up, but you've got some work to do on yourself, Heidi.

Did you say that to all the guests or just me? I literally never said it before. Real insight into you, Heidi, I will say. Oh, this is the worst therapy ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to make you feel like it's a pattern and then just hit pattern and then just hit you and then just send you out there um thank you so much for coming on and people must go and

see Heidi live she's a very funny comedian and you also have a podcast and where can people find you um look me up on Instagram and all that anyway just look for Heidi Regan R-E-G-A-N and your podcast is called there Will Be Film. Yes. In my head, I was like, I just panicked. I don't know why, but then I was like, that's such a good title. I mean, I was panicking. I was just thinking in my head and I was like, that's such a good title.

But then I said it, yeah. With Nathan Darcy Roberts and Stuart Laws. Yeah, yeah. And it has had Harriet Kemsley on it. So you know which one to skip. And do you have any shows coming up? It's going to be on Instagram, that's space to follow you. Yeah, I'm doing some work in progress and that for new shows.

New show coming. Just look on Instagram and all that. Whichever social media is still standing at time of broadcast. Okay, great. Thank you so much. Okay, great. Thank you so much for coming, Heidi. I had a lovely time despite the insulting end. It's kind of my vibe.

Okay, goodbye.