Desert Island Dicks - HELEN BAUER

Episode Date: March 28, 2021

Dan is joined by comedian Helen Bauer, and they discuss the people and things she'd hate to be stuck on an island with. There's fun, there's laughter, there's tears. Only joking, there are no tears, because it's an upbeat and lighthearted podcast and that's what we do. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This week we are joined by the wonderful comedian Helen Bauer. And she's funny because that's what comedians are. It's a good episode. At one point she calls me a fucking moron. Did we have a fight or was it just banter? I don't know. You'll have to find out. Oh, there's a little tease for you. Anyway, as always, I'd just like to pop up here and remind

you that you can have your say on who and what you think is a dick. Because every week we do an episode called Compact Dicks. And that's where you can have your say. So get in touch with us at Dickspod.com slash contact or give us a shout on Twitter or Instagram at Dickspod. And we might read yours out. It would be wonderful if you would subscribe to this podcast and also just give us a rating and a review because these kind of things make an awful lot of difference to how many people see us and find us and that kind of thing. And it's a boring thing to ask for. I know a lot of people ask this sort of thing in podcasts, but that's because it makes so much difference that

it's really useful. And, you know, we don't ask you to buy merch or anything because we don't have any merch. So instead, if you could just take a second now to just go on to wherever you're listening to this and just give it a nice rating and a lovely review. If you don't like it, then I want you to keep your opinions to yourself. I don't want this to be balanced exercise. I just want good reviews and ratings and subscriptions, please.

So thank you very much. That's it for this bit of the intro. Let's listen to the main body of the podcast. Here it is and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Helen Bower. How are you?

I'm good, thank you, Dan Benedictus. How are you? I'm good thank you Dan Benedictus. How are you? I'm all right, I'm all right. I feel like my world is full of very grown-up things at the minute, none of which I can be bothered to do, but other than that I'm doing okay. I feel like the world is full of such grown-up things at the moment and then just to add to it, you've asked us to sit here and discuss an awful tragedy happening and us being stuck with miserable things on somewhere we don't want to be. So it's like you're very much doubling down. Yeah, yeah. I thought, you know, two negatives make a positive, don't they, in the end?

I think it's right, so maybe. But it's like you're like a teenager with depression who's listening to James Blunt. Like you're just, you're going for it you know yeah absolutely i respect it good for you i did think the other day that like it's really annoying doing lots of grown-up stuff and i was like yeah but what age would i be if i wasn't now and i was like yeah no pretty much it's like there's loads of shit at other times so i think maybe apart from like early 20s which comes about as close to living in a consequence-free environment as it's possible to be but maybe i feel like in your early 20s you're

paranoid the whole time though you're so stressed that everything does have consequences so i don't think you get to enjoy it oh man this is a really fun vibe okay well i'm gonna sorry about that I apologize um no don't I love it how do you find I mean how did you find the process of making your choices today I mean are you generally a sort of optimistic person or I um yeah I think I am this is the problem like I have fantasized about being like stranded on a desert island I fantasize about like being on a plane that crashes and it's always fun. Like I always enjoy the drama of the situation because I always assume I survive and save someone despite the fact there's no way I would.

Like I have no survival skills technically, but it's part of my enjoyment in my free time in my headspace that I do. Wow. Okay. That's sort of like, that's almost beyond optimism. That's, of like... That's almost beyond optimism. I mean, that's quite an impressive feat. It's like it's psychotic.

It's fucked up. I was trying to explain it to a friend recently because, like, there's something broken in me. I don't know what's happened, but I've never had a nightmare. But I've had dreams that other people would describe as nightmares, but I just really fucking enjoy them. Wow. Wow, that's amazing. Are you going to kick me off the podcast?

No. Am I allowed to still do this, even though there's something wrong with me? No, I'm just wondering if maybe we should send you in for tests, because it sounds like it's quite a beneficial trait to have. So maybe you can share it amongst the population somehow. Maybe. OK, well, let's see how we get on with this then. Who's going to be your first person you're choosing for the island?

I'm picking my drama teacher from school. Okay, right. And are we allowed to know their name or are we just going to say... Oh, we can totally say it. Mrs. Fucking Horner. Mrs. Horner. That's a good sort of teacher name, isn't it? It really is.

This is the thing. I mean, maybe we should bleep it out, but it's's a good sort of teacher name, isn't it? It really is. This is the thing. I mean, maybe we should bleep it out, but it's such a good teacher name. But I just, I couldn't, I don't want to see them in real life. And if they were on an island, I'd have so many questions for them as to why they were such a dick that I think it would just be insufferable. I don't think I'd work well with them to get rescued. And what was that what how did their dickness manifest what were their sort of special moves okay this is the thing because other

people don't think that she was a massive dick but i know that she was um main reason is when i was in year 11 she didn't let me be in the school play because she said i was too tall which is such a dick move and it was a chorus of women. And she was like, oh, you're too big for the chorus. And I was only six foot one. Like I wasn't like double take freak out. And she just hated me. She would always like ask in front of the students,

like constantly digging at me. I remember once in front of the whole year, I was like 15 and she was, oh, Helen Helen Bower why can't you walk like a woman because I was playing Marilyn Monroe which was a bit of a structural fairness but I remember being like what the fuck that's so humiliating and she was one of those really awful drama teachers who would just belittle and make fun of everyone in the class right yeah and also i knew that she was having an affair so i also knew that so then i think she knew that i knew and then she didn't like me you know i would think that you need to be extra nice to the people who know that you're having an affair so yeah but everyone knew

because she was doing it in the geography cupboard with mr metcalf definitely beat these names but like she oh she was so mean and also i think i put more on her because i was one of those kids i wasn't academic i didn't do well in all my exams at all but like i loved drama and it was the one thing i was okay at and then she ruined it for me yeah oh there's a responsibility there with things like that, with like creative subjects where you're supposed to sort of lose yourself and kind of be without ego. And then someone just absolutely brings you back to earth with a bump. That's the thing. You hear sometimes about sort of drama teachers who are kind of like, you know, you've got to sort of be totally unembarrassed and it's quite hard and, you know, sort of shed any ego and stuff. But at the same time, like probably is also fine if you're just really encouraging to people. That's the thing. I think the problem was, is that my drama teacher before her school in like year seven, eight, nine was great and really fun

and really encouraging of people. And then my drama teacher at college was also super fun super great super kind and this was just this one sort of like stick in the mud who was like well you can't be in the school play you're fucking ugly and it's like what is wrong with you put everyone in it you freak yeah and especially if it's like if it's just a chorus i mean that has no bearing on your height it's not like you're playing like one of one of the Seven Dwarves or something. Daniel, preach! This is the thing. It's a chorus. Like, they let people in Year 8 in who couldn't even act.

And I was Year 11. This was my last chance. Like, I was so annoyed. I remember crying so, so much. And also, she was the other drama teacher who I got on with when I auditioned for the school play in year eight apparently this mean drama teacher said oh no you definitely can't have her in one of the lead roles even though I was like really close and then the other drama teacher pulled me in and was like it's because she doesn't like you and I was like I fucking knew it it's drama man god yeah right yeah oh so it's a small town school drama department that's where you get this

sort of crap isn't it yeah yeah definitely and having them on the island as well because i mean that those sort of things at that kind of formative age it's just so hard to get over isn't it it's just and imagine just seeing them all the time even though you're an adult you know you'd still be a sort of weird sense of like i don't know could you talk to them as an equal no because i don't trust her i don't think i think she'd want us to fail as far as being on the island and finding food i don't think she'd share anything i don't think she'd help out she just had bad vibes man yeah i always think there's something really flawed about a lot of kind of uh high school drama because it's things like they go right we're gonna do

trust exercises and you go this is bullshit because I'm only catching this person because I'll get into trouble if I let them hit the floor like I hate this person I don't you know and they hate me they don't trust me I'm just doing as I've been told so I don't have a detention, you know. It's so true, actually. It's really bad. And is that what we're basing this level of trust and intimacy on? And then let's start with trust exercises before I tear you apart in front of all your peers. Preach.

And also, like, drama departments, like, when I was at school, so this is 2009, 2008, 2007, and, like, it was a lot of, like, really dramatic stimulus for, like, all of us who had never gone through anything because we're kids in, like, a nice middle-class town. And we would be doing, like, OK, so you want to work a still image on the theme of death and, OK, we're going to be doing the Rwandan genocide today and it's like, what the fuck?

Like, I remember when I was in the school play in year 10 I played a slut um like a mistress and I was like what what what sort of part is this for a child I mean I was very good but still yeah madness man madness yeah I think there's certain things I mean in a way there's something even though it's a very different vibe but there's something similar to like a pe teacher in them sometimes where it's like you know you can really sort of stir something passionate in someone about this pursuit of like fitness or drama but at the same time you can absolutely destroy any love for it as well you know because it's both things can lead to a lot of embarrassment and ridicule if if you know you're not sort of on your game for sure and it's usually the students who love and love drama and love pe are the ones who aren't that academically strong in the other

subjects and that is their outlet so it's like if you're there being like absolutely like could you imagine a p teacher being like you can't be be on the team because your foot size is too small. It just wouldn't happen. But if it does, then that PE teacher should be put in hell. Maybe in things like gymnastics or something. I can imagine at a school in Russia, them kind of going, you, you're too fat. You must go to shot put. I was about to say, what school did you go to with a gymnastics team?

You know, but, you know but there's probably like some academy somewhere where it's just like, no, you're too big. You're doing shotput. Right, you can be a ballerina. You know, I think, I don't know. Oh, my God. But when it's a chorus of women where you should all be different shapes and sizes and you're in year 11, so it's your last shot,

like there should be a tall one in there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's ridiculous last shot like there should be a tall one in there yeah exactly yeah it's ridiculous ridiculous well yeah she sounds like a pain in the arse and an absolute dick so she's joining you thank you who's going to be your next dick uh beyonce beyonce okay interesting yeah i want to hear your workings out for this because you know she's i would say fairly widely uh she's she's a fairly popular woman isn't she i mean it's fair yeah i love her i, she's, I would say, fairly widely, she's a fairly popular woman, isn't she? I mean, it's fair to say. Yeah, I love her.

I think she's flawless. I think she's great. I have nothing bad to say about her. It's just that I'm a loud woman who is half German and feels the need to be in control of all situations. And if Beyonce is on the island, everyone's going to let her be in control and be the leader. And I will not be second to anyone. So she cannot come. Okay.

Also, the arrogance of me thinking that she's the only person that would take control over me in the world is Beyonce. But that's the only one I put down. I just think that she would, everyone would be like, oh my God, Beyonce's here. Instead of being like practically doing stuff. Yeah. We'd all be like, oh, my God, Beyonce's here, instead of being, like, practically doing stuff. Yeah. We'd all be like, oh, teach us single ladies.

Let's do a sing song. Like, tell us, like, why you stayed with Jay-Z. Like, all the stuff you want to know. Yeah. And I don't think that would be very practical. I just think Beyonce's one of those people who I've seen her in interviews, and she seems like such a sweet caring humble person but i also think there's a level of celebrity there which she will already

be high maintenance and then she's like the one of the biggest female celebrities in the world and then she's in the genre of r&b as well I just think there's like all of these factors stacking on top of each other until she's probably one of the most high maintenance people in the entire world. As nice as she is in interviews. Like with Mariah Carey,

she's not trying to hide it at all. Like, you know that she's going to be an absolute nightmare. Whereas Beyonce, you think, oh, but she's so sweet to her fans in that interview, you know. But behind it, I mean, I bet she's got a fuck of a lot of requirements.

I mean, I'm not being fooled into thinking that she's an angel who's kind all the time. I mean, Destiny's Child was originally five until they kicked out two of them and had Beyonce as the only lead. Like, let's not pretend that she was the sweetest, most angelic peach of all time. I just think she would be a distraction.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry to say because i would like to hang out with her i just don't think this is the right time has other people done this where they pick people that they just don't want to meet in those circumstances yeah no it does happen it does happen and i think it's fair because i think there's added pressure if you just hate someone you know like it's either going to go downhill and you're going to kill each other or you might find a common ground whereas like there's in a way you can only be you can only get what you expect out of the situation like you know

they don't surprise you they're as much of a dick as you expect or you're pleasantly surprised and you learn to get along with someone that you hold on such a high pedestal, you know, there's so much to lose. It's too much of a risk for me. I don't want to take it. Yeah. So I'm afraid it's Beyonce. Or you'd end up kind of going, oh, don't worry, Beyonce, I'll do that for you.

And you end up doing extra work and then you kind of start resenting her even though it was your idea to do it. That's the thing. I think I would automatically resent her that she was there. there like why the fuck are we on the same plane like i would just be so confused and i just i can just imagine the other people just fawning over her when i'm like we need to build a fire they're like beyonce wants some coconut juice and i'll be like it's fucking milk it's not even juice and i'll just be getting more and more frustrated

you know? And I reckon even fresh coconut juice at this point might not be enough for her, I bet she's used to some kind of crazy celebrity coconut treatment that you can't even do even though it's just come off the tree, it's organic it's the best it can possibly be Beyonce, I think

it's going to be quite difficult for you and there's just me in the corner trying to build an SOS sign, yeah it'd be sad I think um I think it's going to be quite difficult for you and there's just me in the corner trying to like build an SOS sign yeah it'd be it'd be sad I think yeah um yeah I think that's a fair choice um and even if even if you know she did let you sort of take charge it might just I don't know you might at some point just feel a bit like oh but it's Beyonce though I mean so this is the thing I'm already pissed off that you said let you take charge why am i not the automatic leader i just i mean i've watched like lost like i don't want to be another one of the women who are just waiting for the men to come fix it you know yeah and i know beyonce is a woman it's just that she's got enough she doesn't need to be the hero of this island i do i need this yeah it might be

the other way and she's so used to having people doing stuff for her like you know it's it's sort of okay but you know she she has to be told what to do and where to go so often yeah maybe it'd be okay but but not on this island because this island is full of dicks and so she's playing that role and uh i don't think you're going to get along unfortunately plus your drama teacher is going to be in hysterics i think just sort of fawning over her and you're going to get along, unfortunately. Plus, your drama teacher is going to be in hysterics, I think, just sort of fawning over her and that's going to be annoying, isn't it? Imagine if they form a bond. Oh, for sure. For fucking sure.

The two of them will be there plaiting each other's hair and I'll be livid in the corner. OK, then who's going to round it off? Who's going to be your final dick? The character of Warnerer from legally blonde okay now i have seen legally blonde but it's a long time but you don't know it i don't know it i'm sorry um that's mad but for that's not for people who don't for example um give us give us a little uh synopsis of this person warner huntington the third is literally a trash can

filled with shit he is going out with elwoods who is literally the woman who has got everything and anything that anyone could ever want as a quality in another person particularly a partner and then he's like i don't want you you're blonde you're trash i need someone smart so i can live on the east coast and have loads of babies and be a lawyer so then then she's like, okay, well, I'll go to Harvard and I'll study alongside you. Then you'll realise you want me back. And then he just talks down to her. He belittles her.

He's already got a new fiance. He defends someone when Elle gets sexually assaulted. He's literally a pile of fucking shit. He's also crazy privileged and knows it. Ugh, I hate him. I hate him. And I know he doesn't actually exist, but he does exist. Do you know what I mean?

I've just looked up a picture of him. And gross, right? Yeah, he's sort of squeaky, clean cut, sort of plastic looking kind of guy. He looks like a total douchebag. Such a dick. Even without knowing him intimately

I can absolutely agree with you wholeheartedly it's kind of making me quite annoying looking at pictures of him yes and then it's just you can picture how he like you can hear almost how he speaks by looking at the image of him oh yeah absolutely like super condescending and nasty but like really like he's that sort of guy who's never been actually funny but thinks he's hilarious. You know what I mean? Yeah, definitely. And obviously, we're not talking about the actor who played him here.

We're talking about this character in the film. So he's going to continue to be problematic and condescending and everything as well on the island. Yeah, because Warner Huntington III still exists, even though he never existed. I might have watched it too many times as a kid and got too invested in the film. I'm realising that now as I speak, but still.

Well, no, but he has to exist as a type, doesn't he, for people to identify that character in the film. So, yeah, I i mean just put him i mean it sounds like him on an island with three women any three women is going to be hard enough anyway um and also i mean given that you want to take charge of the situation i mean forget beyonce it sounds like this is going to be the power struggle here really because i think i would just drown him like i don't know how much of a struggle there would be am i allowed to kill on the island yeah you could do whatever whatever makes you happy on the island you know well whatever you

can try to make do to make yourself happy but um well that's yeah that's true but then i don't know maybe i was going to say do you want to start off your island life on a downer? But actually, it's probably quite a good thing for you. Probably you'd be quite happy after that. Yeah, I don't know how much of a downer it would be. I think I'd feel quite satisfied. I'd be like, this one's for Elle. Maybe not death, that's a bit much. But maybe keep him in a handmade jail, I make.

Would you be prepared to eat him if you killed him? No, that's going to be gross. You can just imagine the taste and it's just rancid. I'd rather use his bones for utensils if I wanted to use his body. Yeah, okay. Wow, I thought about this way more than I should have. Wow, that was disgusting. No, but you know what?

Just looking at pictures of him online it's uh yeah it's i don't know he looks like an awful awful person so yeah and as i say like i think the combination of the three of you oh sorry the four of you is going to make it make it very messy i just think you don't need like any sort of condescending kind of person on the island with you i mean you basically you you want, you know, you want to find the most sort of egalitarian, egoless group of people possible for this kind of scenario. So I can be the ego. Yeah, totally.

I think the thing is what we're trying to get to here is realistically, I want to start a cult and I don't want to challenge for leadership. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's fine. I don't think there's anything wrong with starting a cult so yeah yeah really okay well i don't know i just like the idea of it all just descending into madness you know you might as well you might as well um great yeah i wonder if it's hard or easy to turn beyonce uh into a cult follower i mean scientology does well with celebrities doesn't it so maybe they're quite malleable. Yeah, but Beyoncé was raised in a super Christian religious family. Yeah, she's already got her beliefs, hasn't she?

I think she's already got her beliefs, yeah. Oh, well. Well, that's OK. You need to make the atmosphere toxic anyway, so this only adds to the broth. So I think it's fine. OK. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane,

there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

Okay. Goat cheese is disgusting and I refuse to entertain the idea that people are enjoying it. And also, milk. Okay.

I don't get it. I don't, particularly adults who drink glasses of milk it turns my tummy okay well i think they're both fair choices let's unpack them a bit should we start with the goat's cheese then what is it in particular i literally it smells like vomit it just smells wrong and i swear I never even came across it until about nine years ago. And then it was just everywhere.

It's one of those things. Where was I? I was in Devon somewhere once. And I was somewhere where there was a load of wild goats walking around. Yeah. And as one of them walked past me, it smelt so strongly of goat's cheese. And I realised, no. Yes.

Goat's cheese smells of goat. That's it it's like it's so they have such a strong goat flavour to them that like it permeates through their milk and everything it's like what is that in you that's making it so good I mean like lamb obviously has like a strong taste compared to beef but it's like this extra goat sort of sour tang on everything it's quite bizarre. Yeah. I think I also get more pissed off with it because I love cheese.

I do really like cheese. It's just that goat's cheese is just having its day and it's ruining a lot of sandwiches and a lot of tarts. It's just, I don't know, I don't get it. I don't, even the smell of it makes my, like, like I want to boke. It's so gross. Yeah, I think it's not going to be a good island food is it because it's going to be you know when it's warm that's not i mean that's the worst thing where is it a good food give me an example where you're like oh i really want like a solid block of dairy that tastes like goat yeah i mean it's weird though because so many cheeses are so strong in different

ways you know all from the cow and they're all strong in different ways but a goat is such a singular thing like all goat's cheese tastes kind of the same even though they're different it's like that goatiness running through it whereas with cows you know like with a cheese made with cow milk they can taste wildly different you know there's with the cheese made with cow milk. They can taste wildly different. You know, there's not like one thing that binds it together so much. So, yeah, I think it was something like this place I went to where they had these wild goats. There must have just been a local thing because they had an ice cream van and it had goat's milk ice cream. And even then you're like, there's the tang.

I can get it. And I don't mind goat's milk ice cream. And even then, you're like, there's the tang. I can get it. And I don't mind goat's cheese. But when it's in fucking ice cream, you're like, come on, guys. See, I'd be willing to give the ice cream a go. That's where I'd be like, oh, no, I'll be exciting. Because it's not that I'm anti-goats using their milk for products. I just, that little, oh, it's just, it's so disgusting. Why is it in every quiche as well? It is oh it's just it's so disgusting why is it as well it is it's unavoidable and i was because i live in london as well and it's just it's just a thing it's a thing

it's a phase yeah whereas i was i'm still enjoying halloumi i'm a little bit more behind i think fair enough yeah a friend of mine uh was vegetarian or is vegetarian and they just said it's so often is just the default vegetarian option is some kind of like goat's cheese tart it's like i think probably these days it's a bit better you know but they just said so much of their life they had to that was the only thing it's like eat that or have like nothing really just sit there kind of well people question me about vegetarianism so in the end they just i can't fucking eat any more of this shit i wonder if it's like if you think of the animal there's something a bit obstinate about a goat isn't there and um yeah just sort of a bit kind of like yeah fuck you i'm gonna do what you know like like a goat a camel

there's those sort of animals that just seem a bit like i'll do what the fuck i want mate and it's almost like that's the thing that turns the milk a bit sour it's just they're like fuck you approach to life but that's why i like the goat so much the goat is an animal i'm so behind so if i could have a goat on the island i it wouldn't be dicks because i'd be over the moon yeah but it's just i just don't think it's meant to become a cheese okay it's just their cheese well i think that's fair and um so and then to drink to wash it down a lovely big glass of cow's milk maybe i've got like an aversion to dairy that i've never realized but like have you do you drink milk like a glass full of milk as an adult do you know what there was a

fate i never did like my mum always used to try and make me as a child because she's australian and you know on in australia it's like america a lot of kids just drink milk with dinner and i was always a puny little kid so she was trying to sort of fatten me up and get me a bit stronger but i always resisted yeah and then as a grown-up I started when I started going to the gym and I was like oh this is like extra sort of protein-y snack you know at work I'll have a glass of milk but I was always so sort of um embarrassed by the idea of being a grown-up drinking milk I'd always pour it in a mug so people couldn't notice and then I started eating yeah yeah and I just sort of neck it and I was like oh this is kind of nice of nice. It's like cream in a glass or mug.

And then, I'm going to have to be quite graphic here. So I started getting like incredibly bad wind. And I thought it was like, I thought it was because I was eating a lot of porridge and it was something about the oats or something. So I thought, oh, fuck, it must be the oats. So I was literally coming home from work and I'd have to sort of look behind me in the street to make sure i could sort of let some wind escape because it was getting to be this much of a problem yeah that's a bad level you're at yeah and i was cutting out different things going why is it all this thing you know i can't eat

porridge breakfast anymore that was a good breakfast i had going there and then my wife suddenly went maybe it's the milk rather than anything else. And it fucking was. So now I'm with you. I'm like, it makes me unbearable. So you were just to check, you were having like a milky porridge and then also a glass of milk

and you didn't think it might be the dairy. Well, one was like in the morning, I'd have like the porridge. No, but still within the same 24 hours. Well, because, yeah, but I'm, you know. Oh, you in the afternoon No but still within the same 24 hours Well because yeah but I'm you know Oh you fucking moron man What the fuck But I'm almost 39 and I've never

had any problem with dairy so I didn't think you know the idea of suddenly this but I'd never had oats really I never used to like porridge so that was the new thing but you know I'd always been having dairy since I was a child so I didn't know I'm not the kind of guy who's lactose intolerant fuck that you know that's the idea of you looking behind you on the street it's just so disgusting no that's how bad it got though i was like this is

such a low point for anyone isn't it to be like oh i better check i know i was like this is fucking unbearable you know wow wow so yes i fuck milk well thank you for sharing that means a lot to me that you felt comfortable enough to do that yeah well you know i think yeah why not why not i but it does i so now i'm basically really anti it and and you're right like grown-ups drinking milk it's fucking weird i just i and also i'm saying with you like i was forced to drink a glass a day when i was younger my mum definitely tried to get me and my siblings to drink it because it was that whole like it's good for your bones or like calcium or that she had like a reason she was like you guys need to do this and i just it oh i hated

it so much and i still think that and then a friend of mine is a comedian called Neil O'Rourke knows that I hate it and just keeps ordering glasses of milk when we're out together and I'm just like it's just it's so wrong and also I've seen milk go out of date with me so many times in the house then I've poured it into a tea or a coffee and it's curdled and that image I've got the image of it curdling inside my body as well when it hits the warmth of the stomach i've definitely got this in my head it's something worse than it is but like i'd rather do the like i'm a celebrity eating challenges than drink a glass of milk yeah it's it's just it's not even it's not thirst quenching but it's not filling like food it's like

this weird middle ground yeah i mean you know as a thing in itself it's not thirst quenching, but it's not filling like food. It's like this weird middle ground. Yeah. I mean, you know, as a thing in itself, it's such an incredibly useful, you know, I'm saying this is, I've got a seven week old son here. So, you know, just seeing this tiny thing grow and like double his weight on just milk for like, you know, they have that for like six months. That's all they, all that sustains them is milk. I just think it's this incredibly mad thing that exists.

But also, like, we're all grown-ups now. We're not in the Middle Ages and we don't need, like, extra... I don't think we need extra calcium that much. You know, it's like, we're all probably OK as adults living in 2021 in a Western civilisation, right? Just, you know, after you're like four, you don't need it, I don't think. This thing, do what you want to do in the privacy of your own home,

but I don't want to go into a fucking Nero and see an adult there drinking a glass of milk. That's just where the line is drawn. No. Do it in privacy, with decency. Yeah. There's those adverts sometimes you see for, is it like one of those,

you know there's like branded milk, it's like Cravendale or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And occasionally you see for is it like when there's you know there's like branded milk it's like cravendale or something oh yeah occasionally you see an advert for it and there's like a they tried this ad campaign where there was like a guy trying to be cool in a bar with a glass of milk and you're like no fuck off mate come on you're the weirdo the weird thing is is i've got such strong opinions about a glass of milk but i fucking love a milkshake i have milk on my cereal like it's so weird but it's just the action of the one glass i need it to be mixed with something and then i'm happy even a net quick and i'll be fine yeah i think that's fair though i think you can because milk doesn't

have a strong enough taste in its own to like overpower the chocolate that you're putting in it so yeah and oh god hot island milk you know it like in Anchorman, milk was the wrong choice. OK. Yeah, totally. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows

to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Good choices. Okay. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. Yes. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why okay my least favorite song this one's pretty easy because it's a song you know when you're in those long comedy car shares and someone's like oh i know the saddest song of all time and you're like well

don't play it don't play it and they're like no it's so bad it'll make you cry guaranteed and you're like don't play it so then they play it five times in a row i had that situation and it's a song by a guy um called mount eerie and he did a song called real death and it is hauntingly upsetting he's not even singing it's just like someone's there and then they're not and it's not for singing about it's not for making into art like it's so miserable and they wouldn't stop playing it and then i got it in my head and then i it made it onto like my most played song of 2018 which is worrying for me and i never want to hear it again yeah god that sounds horrendous and is it meant like it's not meant to it's meant to be like serious it's not like a sort

of a jokey song no no this is a song that he wrote like five days after his wife died fucking hell it's intense and i love an intense sad song it's just that I prefer more like Celine Dion it's all coming back to me now Natalie and Brulia torn than one where you can actually hear a guy having a breakdown yeah I mean I kind of think as an artist do whatever you need to do to get your feelings out but then maybe don't share them you know totally yes yeah there's a lot like that aren't there and it's like yeah you know and also I think at the lot like that aren't there and it's like yeah you know and also i think at the back of their mind they know that the extra backstory makes it more sellable you know it's like oh no no but this is real because uh you know eric

clapton's son actually died you're like fuck man what yeah did eric clapton lose his son that um if i saw you in heaven isn't it yeah oh my god i don't know but that's a loser song. That If I Saw You in Heaven, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, my God, I don't know, but I'm going to listen to that now and then that could go on my list as well. That's going to be really sad too. But, yeah, it's not a fear of sad songs. It's just this one just took it that one step too far and then I listened to it too much.

So I've got to get rid of it. Oh, man. Yeah, I know that sounds... So you did actually like it at one point, though though it was like a morbid fascination with it yeah I wouldn't say I ever liked it I just I got into a habit of listening to it a bit too much despite the fact that I'd always be like oh no not this again um I don't know I think I just got really lazy with pressing skip on my Spotify so I just got stuck with it and then also I got really lazy with pressing skip on my Spotify. So I just got stuck with it. And then also I got really obsessed with like showing it to people being like,

oh my God, this is the saddest song ever. And like spreading the word about it. Like some sort of like creepy grim reefer with their like headphones. Like, do you want to hear it? It was just too much. And then my film, this is the thing I'm doubling down on things that are just like have haunted

me. And this is a film where you're like you must have these as well a film that you had in your house growing up you watched loads that you thought everyone had seen loads of times but turns out it was just you and your siblings yeah so it's like one of those like films that someone had recorded on a vhs tape off the tv on a Sunday afternoon, but it's not actually a hit. And my mum, I have no idea why she thought we'd like it, recorded a puppet show of Pia Gint. Okay.

It's basically the creepiest puppets of a young boy that goes off into the woods, I think somewhere in Austria or Germany, and he meets some goblins and some elves, and then he meets this witch called Greenhilde, like Grüne Hilde or something like that, and she spins loads of times and she laughs really maniacally, and then he has to run and escape,

and it's all done by this guy in all blacks just sort of holding and being like this is the story of pia ginn and i don't think i slept for five years oh man that does sound terrifying i can find a youtube link and send it to you yeah sure someone out there knows it it's just even the music you know do do do do do do do do do do do like if i hear that i shit myself like i've shit myself now it's unbelievable how creepy stuff used to be for kids and it sort of feels like now i watch stuff with my son and it's just so over the top kind of colors and shapes and explosions but it's all you know none of it's really dark there's this one sort of manga thing he likes a bit that's quite dark but it's because he's going to be a goth when he's older but um oh you've got a young goth yeah yeah well he's the

one who's how do you know well he's almost four and he's he's basically prefers staying in to going out he doesn't like anything too energetic and great for a four-year-old that's amazing yeah and he's very um like he's very articulate but like he doesn't like he's scared of a lot of things like that aren't that scary like slides in the park that other kids are fine with even though they're half his age but he's not scared of anything that's like should be scary like monsters and creepy shit so like you know in the morning he'll get into bed we'll have a little cuddle and i'll give him my phone to just watch netflix on while i desperately try and have another half an hour

yeah and then i'll see him watching this manga thing called haunted house i'm like this is definitely not meant for four like three year olds yeah you know this is like a bit older and are you scared because this is quite creepy and he's like no no i like three year olds yeah you know this is like a bit older and are you scared because this is quite creepy and he's like no no i like it it's fine you know but other things that aren't remotely challenging or scary freak him out so i think he's like real like that's so cool that you're raising a goth i love that like it just i don't you know and it's fine because i think goths are usually quite nice people but um oh they're the babes yeah yeah anyway how do i get oh yeah so but stuff for him isn't that creepy but then there was stuff when we were young

or when I was young that isn't even meant to be creepy and it's just fucking weird like the clangers that exists still now but it's got um a voiceover on it you know so that's fine it's got Michael Palin doing the voiceover. Oh, does it? Originally, there was no voiceover. And even though it's effectively the same thing, it's so much creepier with no voiceover. I've never watched it before. That's the mice on the moon, isn't it? Yeah.

But, you know, take away any sort of voiceover explaining it in a kindly way. It's just a bit like, what? You know, what's going on? I think I was terrified of Noddy, I reckon, because I was so scared of this Pia Gint film. That like Noddy, there were these two elves or goblins that lived in the woods called Sly and Gobbo.

And they would just fuck me up, man. My mum would tell me I was just so nervous for Noddy. Whenever he went towards the woods, I'd be like freaking out. Like, don't you like tell me, I was just so nervous for Noddy whenever he went towards the woods, I'd be like freaking out. Like, don't you dare do it, you fucking idiot. Like, it's so stressful. But I think some kids take it on really well. And there's kids like me,

who's just such a creep of a kid who'd be like, Peer Gint was in my room last night, mummy. Like a freak. You know what? I'm looking up this on Google Images for Peer Gintint puppet and it's exactly it's actually more terrifying than I thought it would be but it's exactly the sort of like

eerie scary old pup like they're the sort of puppets that are like you know if you went to your grandparents house and they were puppeteers and they just left it on you know there'd be one on the shelf that always scared you. Yes if you type in Pagan Puppet the first image is Greenhilda with the red hair and the green skin. Don't. I fucking know. It's awful isn't it? Yeah these are really I'm not I'm not at all surprised that you were terrified.

Absolutely I mean more than terrified it fucked me up. Like I think I'm still suffering having watched that but we watched it so many times because then like my big brother figured out that i hated it so then he'd put it on more like all the normal sibling stuff you know it's making me feel quite uneasy looking at them um you know stop looking at it i'm sorry i brought this into the world again no it's fine i have stopped i've stopped but yeah i think a very fine a very fine choice and just christ being stuck with that there's never going to be a point. It doesn't matter how long you're on the island that you're going to go,

should we give it another go? It might be all right now. Yeah. Now we've been here for six years. It might be better now. It's not better. It just gets worse and worse. Oh, no.

Yeah. Fair enough. Okay. Well, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Butterflies, because they can suck my dick. Unless they like doing that, in which case I don't want them to do it. I hate them.

Really? I hate butterflies and moths. Okay, so you are grouping them together. But I hate butterflies more than moths because I feel like they're faking it. At least moths are owning it, you know? Yeah, okay. They're owning their gross creepiness and how they're just dust. Butterflies, like, when people say, oh, I'm going to a butterfly house,

I just, I lose so much respect for them so quickly. And I think what basically, I heard a rumour that a butterfly once got in someone's ear and lived there for a bit. And I believe that wholeheartedly despite having no evidence. So whenever I see a butterfly, I'm like, you ain't fucking getting in there. I know that's what you want. And I feel like that's their entire game.

And they just flip around you thinking like oh i'm so fit i'm so fit and it's like well yeah loads of people are fit you're not even that fit you know they are weird i mean the whole metamorphosis thing is extraordinary but also just fucking weird like imagine if more animals did that i mean imagine if big animals did that like a cow became i don't know something that could fly it's like this isn't right it's like how many chances do you get so you're a larvae then you're a caterpillar then you cocoon yourself and then you turn into a butterfly like no one needs that much life to become something that lives for 24 hours it doesn't make sense i don't know what their game is. And they're big.

Some of them get really big, man. Well, yeah, I was going to say, I've been to like some of those big butterfly, like I went to London Zoo with my son and they had like a butterfly house there. And when they're like the really big tropical ones, it's like the size of a bird, but you can't... I just got a shiver down my spine.

You can't see which way, you know, there's no way of telling which way it's like the size of a bird but you can't i just can't shiver down my spine you can't see which way you know there's no way of telling which way it's going because of its erratic flying style it's just kind of floating around going fuck um so they're quite sort of yeah and they do that on purpose they could fly in a straight line if they wanted to they're trying to freak you out. Yeah, yeah. It does seem ineffective. I've had one land on me before, and you think it's quite a sort of like, ooh, a butterfly move.

It's kind of weird, like, stickiness to it. It was like, its legs were sort of sticky in a way that I haven't noticed when, like, a other flying thing has landed on me, and that put me off quite a lot. And it's also, like, that fragileness to it. Like, if I just battered it away would it die like do you not like it's they're just there and they're so like happens everyone got in my mouth i feel like they're trying to get in my orifices

i don't know what's wrong with me but then like i know loads of people that really don't like moths and find moths gross but i don't understand how butterflies get away with it then. Because it's the same thing. Yeah, I think it's unfair when people sort of hate moths. I mean, I think either except they're the same thing, but one's more colourful than the other. It doesn't seem fair, really. Totally.

Yeah. Also, I think if you're on the island and it's full of butterflies and you're just getting really pissed off and angry at them, it's the sort of thing that if you hate them, a lot of people will be like, but they're so pretty. How can you hate a butterfly? They're so beautiful. You know, and then they make you think you're a bad person.

There's a lot of shame that comes with disliking butterflies, I think. Yeah. Like a lot of sort of like, oh, why are you angry at it? But, like, I know the best thing to do is to get into water, so I can't just live in the water to avoid the butterflies. No. I can't live like that. No.

Yeah, I think that's too much to ask of anybody, to just live in the water after a plane crash. So I think it's a fine choice. Yeah. Okay. I'd get so pruney i'd hate it all right well look helen i think you've picked a great selection of uh people and things for your awful desert island full of dicks and um you know and i and i think you've made strong cases for them as well so so well done and thank you this has been the worst chat of my life it's just

talking about the worst things in my life it's just talking about the worst things in my world and now i feel disgusting and dirty and horrible so thank you so much you're welcome you're welcome i thought maybe it would provide some catharsis but obviously it's just made things worse so no it's just made me look up a picture of the uh pig in which is just not a good move for me no because now i'm going to youtube it just out of pure morbid curiosity and that's 100 your fault yeah i'm sorry about that um but also you know by the same token i've now seen it having never heard of it before as well so you know you're welcome you got in it you got in a couple of shots there yourself um now helen obviously you know lockdown

this whole year has been a difficult time for comedians but um we're hopefully seeing a way out of it soon but where's the best place for people to kind of keep up to date with what you're up to at the minute or what you will be up to I mean obviously not loads to plug but everything's on my twitter and instagram if you want to give me a follow on there that's always very much appreciated um it's at Helen bauer so b-a-b-a-u-e-r because there's another helen bauer but follow her she's actually very very nice and then i do a online gig every thursday with katherine bohart called gigless so come check that out if you want some online comedy lols oh and i have a podcast with rose jones called daddy

look at me i need to get better at this it's quite right now you've got it that was such a mess no you've got a lot going on so it's easy to forget one bit but it sounds like you've got a few things so uh yeah good and um people can keep up to date with everything on your twitter as well so lovely that's so yeah just follow on that leave everything else out of it nice one thanks again for coming on desert island dicks today thank you