Desert Island Dicks - HUGE DAVIES

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

Dan is joined by comedian Huge Davies for a lovely chat about who and what are dicks and why he'd hate to be stuck on an island with them. Expect rigorous critique on such figures as Charlie Bucket's grandad and popular chart hits of yesteryear. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. I'm losing my voice a little bit, so I sound especially croaky and weird today. And excuse any pubescent squeaks and pops. Anyway, this episode of Desert Island Dicks features comedian Huge Davies. And he's very funny. Look him up online. He does an act where he has a giant synthesizer strapped to his neck which i imagine is incredibly uncomfortable but uh he's very funny so have a look at him but not before you've listened to him

be funny in desert island dicks because that's what we're all here for after all remember you can always get in touch with your choices for who and what you think is a dick you just have to contact us at dickspod.com slash contact or find us on Twitter and Instagram at DixPod and you can have your say. This week in Compact Dix, we're especially looking for the most disappointing meals you've had, you know, especially if it's somewhere nice, you know, you go to a lovely restaurant on holiday

and you get a really shit meal or on an exciting trip somewhere and you're on the plane and it's really shit or at a theme park and that kind of thing um yeah that's especially what we're looking for but anything that you fancy telling us about that you hate people or things just let us know excuse me by the way i forgot i've got my washing on in the background as well so a combination of my croaky voice and the washing machine it's a professional package we've got going on here in the last episode in my intro I mentioned that I was going to feature on a podcast called podcaster where um hosts of podcasts get interviewed uh and it wasn't last week it's actually out now though so if you want to hear

more of my stupid ramblings then by by all means, go and download it. And it was very fun. And I think it should be a fun series of listening to podcast hosts being asked questions. So go and check that out. And as ever, it would be lovely if you would leave us a rating and give us a nice review and subscribe to the podcast. All these things really make a difference. And that's why you hear podcast hosts banging on about them so much, because it helps us be seen and get recognised. And I don't know. Anyway, it's just useful. So if you could do that, that would be wonderful.

Anyway, I'm running out of voice to speak with. So I'm going to leave you now to listen to the podcast properly. It's Desert Island Dicks with Huge Davies. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Huge Davies. How are you doing? I'm good, man. How are you? You OK? Good, thank you. Yeah, thank you for joining us today. How are you feeling? Are you feeling sort of in the mood to really vent or are you feeling reserved?

How do we find you today? I'm pretty venty today. I'm looking at flats at the moment and a flat came through yesterday that we wanted but we couldn't get. So I'm annoyed by that. And we haven't had a chance to vent about that yet to anyone. So I think that will probably come through. Yeah, I'm not homeless though. about that yet okay 21 so i think that will probably come through um yeah i'm i'm um i'm not uh i'm not homeless though so well it's not gonna be like from within a bin or something

well that's good just from a sound quality point of view if nothing else could be a better podcast though if i was in a bin just yeah it would be more real the problems i had i think in that case if you were like what's the worst thing about being on a desert island I'd be like absolutely nothing I'd prefer it if anything yeah what's your least favorite food like at the minute nothing you know yeah yeah for sure yeah I mean I guess if we sort of tweak the podcast to be who would you least like to be stuck in a bin with I mean you know it'd be even worse but uh we'll stick with desert island for now okay cool suits me to a t good okay how did you find the process of picking your choices for this week find it quite difficult to be honest because you know there's just so many people that i don't like and then there's

also the balancing of of like you've got to put it in context of the desert island so it's not just like who do you hate it's who would you least like to share an island with which is a different thing um so yeah i i've thought long and hard about it but uh yeah i've come up with i think three three horrible people and uh yeah and some other horrible things as well so i yeah i think yeah it was harder than i thought it would be because it's the sort of thing i think i'd thrive at but um and also i don't it's quite good because normally when i'm i'm doing comedy or anything i don't talk about anything in real life because it's more kind of surreal kind of stuff so i never actually get to say that i hate this person um because it would just it would go against kind of my act so it's quite good in a way to just finally say i hate i hate this person i don't

want to share an island with anyone good okay well Okay, well, let's get started then. Who's going to be the first person on the island with you? The first person on the island with me, I can say with pleasure, is Nick Grimshaw. Okay. I absolutely hate that man. And it's not even, I don't think it's even Nick Grimshaw as a person because, yeah, sure, he's ignorant and really boring and and just so just really dislikable um but it's also i think that's what he represents as terms of like um his popularity infuriates me like to put him in a position of the most popular radio television slot in the uk and have that just be like well

this is the this is the person who's in charge of quite a large part of young people's culture just infuriates me to bit because there's there's greg james does it now and i quite i quite like greg james but um he's just so awful he's just so awful so boring it i think because greg james is famous i try to think about because greg james wasn't near no no not Greg James sorry Nick Grimshaw wasn't at the top of the list but I started to think more about when I was like I literally know nothing about Nick Grimshaw there's no memories that I have triggered when I think of Nick Grimshaw when someone's as famous as Nick Grimshaw there's got to be something in which you

go well like Will Smith you go like oh the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or you know Graham Norton he hosts a talk show with Nick Grimshaw it's like i have no memory of him and yet he's so prevalent in my mind yeah and that's just goes to show that how popular he is as a versed like how much impact he's made as a person just annoys me to the point where i'm like just get someone else to do the job yeah yeah because it was weird i remember like um so greg james was kind of i remember at the time he was kind of pitted to take that spot and then suddenly they were like no it's nick grimshaw the edgier choice and it seemed like even nick grimshaw was a bit confused by it all you know like he's kind of i think greg james is a real career radio presenter

it's all he's ever wanted to do and it's all he'll ever want to be. Whereas Nick Grimshaw just seems to be like a sort of, I don't know, just like an it boy, if such a thing exists. You know, like he's kind of hanging out with Kate Moss and stuff. That's the thing. It's just he seems to be someone you'd see at a party, if you went to a party of celebrities, and you'd be like was he was there yeah but don't give him microphone for three hours you know you know don't do it um yeah yeah it's i there's a particular i did youtube him before i

came on here because i wanted to just sort of make sure that i was correct and there's an interview he does quite specifically with henry cavill and he's promoting um the man of steel film and i'm not a huge fan of henry cavill or anything but he's basically on the radio show he's he's he's going through his interview with henry cavill and sort of quoting it and using like sound biting that the thing and he's saying how awkward it is and how how awkward henry cavill is being but he's asking him the most stupid questions i've heard in my life he asks him um he asks him what's it like to play the most important the most famous person of all time henry cavill's like what do you mean he's not he's not he's not real he's not a real person he's not famous it's it it's not and

even if he was i don't know he's not the most famous person not a real person. He's not famous. He's not, and even if he was, I don't know. He's not the most famous person of all time. And then they sort of have a go at that. And then he says, and then Nick Grimshaw says to his listeners, he's like, the next question I'm really proud of.

And look how Henry Cavill answers this and like ruins the interview. And he goes, he goes, did someone teach you like how to stand as Superman and then how to stand as Clark Kent? And he just goes, I'm'm an actor so i make those decisions yeah that's what they cast me and he's like what a boring guy and i'm like it's crazy

that he's just it's it's so infuriating that henry cavill is getting really boring questions really bad questions and making really interesting answers and nick grimshaw is basically just saying what a bad interview and it's like you know you're just a terrible interviewer and it's just insane that this is being broadcast at like a peak time a peak radio time it's so annoying yeah and it's quite an insight into into nick grimshaw's sort of mind that he thinks superman is the most famous person in the world it's like you can imagine asking him again so you know your fantasy dinner party nick you know who would you most like to have think of like all the most important people of all time and loads of people like going i don't know like nelson mandela he's like superman

i want superman is that your mindset nick is that how your brain works yeah and even then he wouldn't it wouldn't be a good conversation even as somebody's professional job is to interview people even him interviewing superman i wouldn't want to listen to which is crazy because that's the only thing that's what you do like it's like he's kept asking henry all these questions about superman and superman he kept giving all these like really interesting answers about i mean i'm not a big superman fan but it was interesting to listen to it's sort of like he expected him to like give some wacky answer. He was like, what's your favourite thing about Superman?

He'd be like, oh, I love to fly. It's like, he's not Superman. Yeah. It's a character study of Superman that's directed by Christopher Nolan. Do you know what I mean? Well, I mean, I loved having the opportunity to fly and have superpowers for six months while we filmed it. That was great.

Obviously, it's been a bit of a come down since then it doesn't work like that I think with Nick Grimshaw it's it's very yeah I think it's also what he represents it's like the message is you can be this ignorant and boring and still manage to climb your way to the top somehow and that is the message that's being sent when you listen to the radio show because like and I just I just think Radio 1 can do better and they've not it's not as if they've done a lot better i do i do like greg james i have to say like i think he's okay but it's just insane that nick grimshaw has got to that position where he's just interviewing people just saying stupid things yeah yeah just saying all all day basically it's weird isn basically. It's weird, isn't it? It's like, he sort of occupies that space

where it's like, like, you know, like we were saying before, it's like, you know, you occupy that space where like you fit in

with celebrities in the crowd and you look right. But like, the other ones there have a talent, but, but we're not really sure what yours is.

But, you know, you kind of, your talent is that you look hip. You look vaguely right in that crowd. That's sort of your thing. And that's not even, vaguely right in that crowd that's sort of and that's not even that's not even helpful for radio yeah do you know what i mean if you're the best thing about you is your haircut then what are you doing on the radio like but that people always go

on about how good his haircut is i'm just like i mean just why is it why is it why is he doing this yeah but he didn't do that like someone else did that for him but like you say like the tat i like in terms of his job as a presenter like his talent is opening up people to talk about interesting topics the most viewed clip i could find of him was him talking to someone as henry cavill about his film role and basically just making it as hard as it could for henry cavill and making that experience unenjoyable. It's like, you couldn't have picked anyone worse for this job. And I'm not saying that being a presenter is like, you know, it's still difficult to do that.

There are people who are very good at it. I'm just saying he's so bad at presenting, and so dislikable, it's just insane that he's got to this level of everyone dislikes him, and yet he's on the most popular radio show that exists. I don't know. I think it was one of those things where they just figured that if they get him on, he's more likely to get press coverage than Greg James was at the time.

Because he's more likely to be out with Kate Moss or hanging out with the kooks getting into some mischief. And then he'll get in the papers or like, oh, look, Nick Grimshaw stumbling out of a taxi after the Brits, you know. So he went, well, let's just see how much fame and press we can get off him. Because Greg James is probably going to be quite professional, go to bed on time, you know, wake up, arrive early, do loads of prep, you know. And I think they just sort of think, well, let's just try it for six months,

see how he gets on. You even saying Nick Grimshaw hanging out with the coots gives me like a headache like i can't imagine being around that table for like more than five minutes can you like i just just awful i saw the coots live and um it's that's the other thing about the coots is quite you mentioned the coots that's so weird in the the lead singer he doesn't he can't say words properly yeah and i it's it's the it's the thing and i like i think at one point in my youth i did look up the the words to some of the kook songs because and it's a nice surprise you go like oh that's what he was actually saying yeah great that's crazy it's like a puzzle's been solved yeah i'm saying it's your fault yeah it's that weird like are you you're not northern are you trying to sound northern or like it's that weird kind of indie sort of like i don't know yeah yeah um yeah i think nick grimshaw

on the island i think partly like he'll start off quite animated and kind of keep like punching you on the arm and being like hey hey this is all this is all right though, isn't it, mate? Hey, you know? But then quite quickly become very bored and also remember that he's a bit of a famous guy and just can't be bothered with a lot of stuff. For sure, the high maintenance is a problem in terms of he probably has a lot of stuff done for him.

But also because I just dislike him so much as a person that even i feel like i'd have to i'd have to i before talking to him i'd have to exhaust all other things on the island like i'd have to have like before i'd gone out to him but like hey nick and he's like oh these coconuts they're a bit like balls aren't they and i'd be like oh god like can we just like do you know what i mean yeah like i don't even hear i i even thinking about him just thinking about him being on an island with me just is like already quite frustrating i just can't i i just hate him so much and uh yeah i would hate to share line with him because a i hate him and b because um i think he

would be a terrible person on the island i don't think he would do i don't think he would be a terrible person on the island. I don't think he would pull his weight. And a lot of the decisions I've made today on the other people is I don't think anyone would pull their weight on the island, let's be honest. Well, Hugh, I think your passion is coming through, and it's good to see at this stage of the podcast. So let's see who's going to be joining you and Nick Grimshaw on the island. The second person who's joining me on the island is Grandpa Joe from Charlie and the

chocolate factory oh okay right good uh why do you pick why do you pick him he is can you swear on the podcast absolutely he's a fucking piece of shit and and and i i can't believe that he's gone so like gone this has gone on so long that no one's seems to have clocked onto this like people think it's bad that woolly wonka killed children in his factory that pales a comparison to what grandpa joe did because at least woolly wonka didn't know the children i mean that's not that's not a great start but at least he didn't kill and at least they they kind of killed themselves in a way. Like, they did it themselves.

Grandpa Joe, right? You've got to put it in context. If you're not familiar with the film, I'll explain the premise to you. Charlie Bucket is very poor. He lives in a poor family. He lives in, like, basically a shack. His single mum seems to be working about four jobs at the time. One of her jobs, she's doing it at midnight.

She's got a big vat of clothes. And she's like pushing it around with a ladle. I'm not even sure what that she's doing. She's making a bit of clothes soup. She's making soup. I thought when I was a kid, I was like, is she making soup out of clothes? I think now that she was cleaning the clothes, I was like, I don't think that's how you clean clothes, mate.

Anyway, I was like, no wonder she that's how you clean clothes mate anyway um i was like no one of those no one she's poor she's not doing it properly just has to keep paying for all the clothes that she's ruined out of her wages like how does this keep happening as she like pours them into a huge vat adds loads of salt we've lost another vat full of clothes again i'm afraid yeah sorry about that so basically she's earning so much the grandpa charlie bucket's grandparents there's four grandma uh two so there's two grandmas, two grandfathers. They're in bed. They're not doing any...

They're old people. They're in bed. She's providing for them. All they could afford is cabbage for cabbage soup. Right. Charlie Bucket gets a ticket. He wins a golden ticket to the factory. It's clear this is the best thing that's ever happened to them.

And they go, he goes, I got a golden ticket. And they go, he goes, I've got a golden ticket. And they go, oh, I can go with one person. And then suddenly Grandpa Joe goes, oh, I can suddenly start to feel my legs getting better, actually. And then he gets out of bed and starts dancing.

And he's like, I'm going to the factory. Take your mum to the factory. Take your mum to the factory. Take your mum to the factory. Grandpa Joe, I don't care how you see it, has been pretending to be disabled for a number of years. Watching his, I'm assuming

either his daughter or his daughter-in-law work, like, took herself to the bone. And he's just in bed watching TV. Like, like oh if there's enough of a prize at the end of it like maybe i can walk because he goes from fully bedridden to basically like doing a dance within within a song yeah yeah so like even if you're in bed for like 30 years doing a dance and a song would be hard like that would be difficult to do just the way your muscles

working your legs if anyone's broken like a leg or arm or something you know that it's like after you haven't moved it it basically takes days to even get movement into it that means that like during night when they're asleep grandpa joe's like just going just having a night out or something it's no way that he's been in bed for this long and i understand that it's a children's book but you've got to like it's been transferred to a film now with real people you've you've got to you've got to think about these things what what a what a fucking piece of shit and i i don't say that about a lot of people but my what a horror and and it's just it also all the way through the film you watch it again with this you can see he's pushing so hard for Charlie to get the golden ticket

you know what you were going to do you knew as soon as he was getting a ticket he was going to come out and jump out of his bed he's a scammer man he's pretending to be disabled so he can go to a chocolate factory which is insane I haven't seen it in a long time

but doesn't he kind of also there's a couple of times there's like that bit where they drink the fizzy drink and they can float up in the air and i'm sure that's grandpa going go on let's just have a little sip even though they weren't supposed to it's like you're leading like charlie bucket is a good kid he's had a hard time and this is his one chance at an amazing life and you're like sabotaging it you know you know that willie wonka's got a mercurial temper you know he's he's kind of he's going to come down on you hard if he sees you fucking about and you're just going to go go on charlie fuck it let's just just do it man yeah he is a bad influence i have to say it's also

he's meant to be adult he's meant to be a role model here willie wonka said don't he went he basically said all right i'll show you around the factory don't steal any of my stuff yeah and grandpa joe went let's let's steal some stuff i reckon yeah and then he they it stole it and then at the end he goes really angry willie wonka gets really angry and goes you stole my stuff and then grandpa joe's like you're being unreasonable because no i did i did say not to say i don't shouldn't have to say don't steal my things but i did say it anyway and he has stolen it and then yeah it's just it's he's an awful i hate grandpa joe so much i because i actually really like that film but it's completely tarnished by grandpa joe because i just hate that man

100% should have taken his mum and i think think Grandpa Joe on the island would also be a problem. Because as soon as he gets to the island, he'd be like, legs can't work again. But you were fine together when we told you we'd get on the plane. Yeah. He goes, nah, probably back to the bed, I guess, I reckon. This plane was taking you on a walking holiday when it crashed. What's going on here?

You were going to do the Inca Trail. What's going on here you were gonna you were gonna do the inca trail what's going on yeah no no not for me i've feeling tired again yeah just feeling tired there's a thing about that film that i noticed uh as an adult which i always love because it really demonstrates like the difference in uh in attitudes these days so there's a bit where like i I think Charlie gets a bar of chocolate for his birthday or something and then that doesn't have a ticket. And then doesn't Grandpa Joe, he buys him one at some point.

And the mother goes, oh, Grandpa Joe, you mustn't, that money was for your tobacco. And so I love the idea that they're like, don't spend it on chocolate for the poor boy who has nothing. Like that's supposed to be for your only pleasure, which is smoking fags. But also like, I mean, that's great that that one time he did buy him a chocolate bar. But that means that that's been happening all the rest of the times.

There was a little bit of money for tobacco. Like if you're at the point where you're all living in one room and four of you are sharing a bed like forgo the tobacco like you know buy him a chocolate bar every week like give the kid a spinning top or whatever you want in those days you know like get him something just get him a tennis ball to throw against the wall do you know what i mean yeah it's anything any anything they're watching a tv get rid of the tv right buy some bread to go with a cabbage soup for one yeah yeah i i do yeah i did i did it's interesting you said that because i've not really thought about grandpa joe smoking or smoke smoking in bed as well they're all living in one room charlie lives in the same room as them he's smoking in bed i don't like that would

have what an environment to grow up in yeah and Charlie Bucket is such a good boy he's such a good boy and yet he's having to only eat chocolate like once in his life and he's having to share a room with his grandpa who smokes in bed do you know what I mean like I think grandpa Joe is he's even worse than I came into this thinking that I was gonna have a rant about I'm even I'm so incensed about this I was I was maybe even gonna was going to have a rant about, I'm even, I'm so incensed about this. I was, I was maybe even going to do like, uh, like a rant about this,

like on stage for the comedy. But like, this is even just, I think that this is going to become a full routine because there's so many depths. What a piece of shit. Grandpa Joe is that. Yeah.

It's he, and someone who would be really bad on an Island. Definitely. Oh, well, um, well, I'm, I'm happy to, you happy to be a part of the work in progress

because I've enjoyed your reasoning a lot and I think it makes perfect sense. I never realised what a scumbag he is. They're the worst type of people, aren't they? The ones who cover it in a veneer of kindness and really... What's the word? Very insidious, I think. Yeah, because everyone sees like grandpa joe's a

hero like grandpa joe is a fucking piece of shit i'll say it again i keep saying it because it's just he is there's no there's no um there's no escape in it okay well grandpa joe is joining you on the island who's the final person he's going to join you uh the final person i don't know if this person has been on before. It's Will.i.am. Okay, yeah, I think he has been on before, but I think probably not as many times as he might deserve to be. So what's your thoughts on Will.i.am? I hate everything about Will.i.am. I hate his music is bad.

His personality is bad. His TV show is bad. God, his haircut is awful. Just everything about it. There's nothing that is redeemable about Will.i.am. There's nothing redeemable. Let's start with the music. His music has been said before,

but Black Eyed Peas music is rock music for people who don't like rock music. And rap music for people who don't like rap music and hip hop people. It's every genre of music in one band for absolutely no one. The song, I mean, I know we had a thing, there's a thing, what's the best song?

The song, Where Is The Love, was a close contender for the worst song. It's got the, if you actually, because there's a lot of like, people love that song because it's so nostalgic. But if you actually listen to the lyrics of that song, I think they're the worst lyrics to any song ever. It's one of those songs in which it tries to...

It's his whole brand of where is the love, share the love. And it's just talking about absolutely nothing. It's talking about children dying. It's talking about disease. It's talking about terrorism dying it's talking about disease it's talking about terrorism it's talking about warfare just in one song you can't cover these issues you know in in one song and all the songs and all the words have to rhyme do you know what i mean because children killing children dying people hurt and even crying you can't stop you can't stop children crying i don't know what like why is that children cry i don't know why this is a focus part of the song so this is the worst lyric in the song it goes um but if

you only have love for your own race then you only leave space to discriminate and to discriminate only generate hate and when you hate then you're bound to get irate. Yeah. I mean, just, just, you know, when you've run out of, it's like when you, that's what, that's the music equivalent of starting a sentence and not knowing where it's going. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like, I bet they weren't up against a deadline. It wasn't, that was them going, yeah, no, this is good. It wasn't like, oh fuck, we've only got until four o'clock until the studio closes and we

owe the label this, this hit track. We've got, we just, justclock until the studio closes and we owe the label this hit track. Just get it done. No one will notice. You know, it's kind of like, it's maybe like one step up from just going, don't do bad things. Be nice. And then just repeating that a lot. They just keep saying that terrorism is wrong. And I'm like, yeah, we know.

Yeah, it's kind of complicated. It's completely just, you you know the world is bad and and also there's like a nostalgia to it i remember someone playing at a party i went to like what i say i said what a year ago a year ago i went to the last party went to and everyone was singing along to the lyrics and um the lyrics are like don't reflect the mood of the song because everyone's like really really pleased to sing it but it's about terrorism and the cia and stuff and it doesn't make any sense it's they keep saying that there's a lyric about the cia being the terrorists in the uk you're like oh it's interesting let's get into this and they just move straight on to the next line what did you what did you mean by the cia being the real terrorist let's explore this and it's already

moved on to children crying i'm like well that's another issue i'd like it if they were sort of like really anti-cia and it turned out that they were part of like a sort of secret terror cell themselves and this was all just a big bluff and they're like a new al-qaeda or something like that and it's like fucking hell i never saw that one coming i mean you know fair play that was a surprise you know um yeah i agree there's so many i mean the music is only one aspect to his personality that's only one you know one fifth of why he's terrible and that is a good reason his his his television show the voice that he's on great premise for a television show great premise an awful an awful um just they do it so it's not it's it's i think it's the chair annoying me it's the way they sit in the chairs and because they're

not like normal people right they have to sit in the chairs in an interesting way and that really bothers me they sit in the chair like they they just sit in the chair normally some of them are like crouched in their chairs some of them in like yoga positions and then they hear the music their body does this sort of like weird like jerky thing of their like listening to a song and they're like listen to someone's voice and they're like they start to like get really into it like really cringy way and you're like if you just listen to just listen to the just listen to them and i don't understand you're making a television show and you have there's some sort of reaction but you really don't have to like

climb into your chair like an eight-year-old you know what i mean like just listen to the song it's so not and will i am is the worst because he's meant to be this i don't know it's also the fact that he's not a good musician. And this position of judging whether other people can sing, which he can't sing, by the way. Right? He can't sing. I don't know why.

It's like Danny Minogue in, you know, in Pop Idol. You've not done a... You're not a singer. You're a sister of a singer. You can't be judging people for... I people for i don't yeah yeah it's weird isn't it because it's almost like if you are a successful musician you don't need to go on those shows so by merit of you being on that show it means you're not very good at your other job your main job which is being a musician because otherwise you'd be busy doing you know making

albums and touring and stuff yeah i guess so but even then you'd be like you want some gravity when someone says you're bad at singing for the producers you at least want some gravity to the situation of someone saying you're not very good at singing and then you want the reaction for danny minogue to say you're not very good at singing you're like what do you know about it if danny minogue told me i wasn't good at singing i'd be like i feel absolutely nothing i feel nothing that i'm not i i know that i'm not good at singing i'd be like i feel absolutely nothing i feel nothing that i'm not i know that i'm not good at singing but it's just yes his personality is bad as well like his kookiness he's like one of those people that's like i'm just i'm just really kooky it's it's just he just i'm

sorry i find it difficult to speak because normally i'm so like i normally i'm quite calm and controlled but just speaking about someone i hate so much really just like triggers me. It can happen. It can happen. I mean, it's quite a sort of like a pound shop Kanye West, isn't it? It's like, cause there's that weird, it's like he desperately wants that slight eccentricity. Well, I guess with Kanye, it's more than a slight eccentricity, but like he wants a bit of that, like, yeah, like you say, like kookiness. He's like, Oh, my glasses are made of lego imagine that and he kind of you know his interest in technology and we're like i think it was uh so we had josh weller on here and he he i think was the another person who picked will i am and he said he'd met him at a party and he just kept talking to him about how

apple were going to save the world and you're like like, they're not. They're just not. I mean, for a start, the amount of needless plastic that they produce by changing the charger every three years, they're not going to be the ones to save the world. They're probably going to own the world, but it's just this really basic concept like that, but sort of delivered with real passion when you're really bored of listening to them. It's that of like oh no but actually i'm a genius because like i'm i'm not thinking one step ahead of the game i'm thinking like like seven steps ahead of the games what just shut up

you're just surrounded by lackeys and you don't know what you're talking about and that no one wants to tell you to shut up yeah that's i think that's a good comparison with kenya west because kenya west says some bonkers things like at the best of times he's saying but at least like he believes in what he's saying like he fully understands like he believes that and it's it's it's good and also kenya west is a good musician so you trust what he says as the like as like an artist when william it's like you can see it in interviews when he's being asked at like these conventions about tech or whatever it is he'll ask him a question and he just will start the sentence and then just trail off and then people are sort of waiting for him to finish

the question and then he's then he just carries on going he remember he was promoting this watch it's like it was like an iphone it was like an iWatch kind of a thing and the guy's like so like what is it it's like another watch like what is it he's like it's not a smart watch and it's like well it is a smart watch it's it is a smart watch because it's a new it's a new thing and then he's explaining this this i watch to this present presenter and the i watch is like they do zoom they zoom on this watch that he's got and it's the screen is flickering like it is broken and it's just it's just it's insane that they can both it's so weird for the presenter because he's looking at this watch and it's broken it's clearly broken and they're both watching it and they both have to

pretend like it's working and it's just the most insane thing of what i am is just convince himself this is a good product and it's absolutely fine just continuing on just knowing absolutely nothing like to know so little about technology that if the screen is flickering and breaking it's a good product still just hammering on yeah it's just uh infuriating i read a thing the other day about him if you want another thing to hate him for that um he's got because obviously he's got a crazy diet uh but one of his things is on mondays he only he won't eat anything solid so everything has to be blended on mondays what and he called it something like i'm gonna have to find this on because he he didn't just say on mondays i just juice he had like a name for it hang on oh yeah he calls himself a

liquidarian oh god yeah since christmas he has only eaten solid food on specific days of the week um so that's his thing but you know like i just think moral reasons well why oh man look you know diet can do all kinds of things it's a very useful thing but i kind of think at this point in the year 2021 if only drinking on one day of the week had that much of a health benefit we'd probably have worked it out by now like i think you know we there are still secrets to be discovered about food but i kind of think the basic premise of food and its function is nailed down and most people agree like you know a good balance of everything not too much or too little no one's going oh but if you eat all the you eat this stuff but it's liquid on one day

then this is fucking game changer mate you'll be able to see into the future so we get how food works now where i am like stop trying to hack food like just just fucking be normal for a bit yeah it's we have we have discovered most things about food yeah i yeah i do even even with for a normal person if you were to say to me this person is blending their food i'd be like that's quite annoying but with what i am it's like i assumed that he was blending it yeah i seemed it i seemed it uh i i don't like his name either um and that's coming from someone who's given themselves a nickname you know it's even for me myself like i hate that he's called will i am it doesn't make any sense yeah i don't know it doesn't it's it's like it it would be okay if it

made sense it just doesn't make any sense will i am it's the wrong way around it's and i know it's a play on william but if it doesn't make sense don't do it just don't do it i think there are better especially like you're supposed to be a rapper you're supposed to like wordplay is supposed to be the thing that you're best at you know and that's like a crap joke it's the sort of thing that like your uncle would call you and then you know but it'd really annoy you as you got to like 16 you're like shut up uncle tim's fucking calling me will i am all the time you're not supposed to like build an empire around it it's just meant to be an annoying throwaway thing it's the sort of person that would meet and i

would just call william yeah and he'd be so annoyed by it i'd be like well just i've just read what's been written yeah it's william and yeah just yeah fair enough well i think he makes a good addition to your island definitely yeah i think he'd be thinking coming up with loads of tech ideas as well for the island he'd be like let's try and make like a coconut uh milk machine and then maybe we could like sell that i'm like there's no one else on the island we can't sell like let's build a raft he'd be like but what about like a double decker raft i'd be like no no just a raft yeah and then when he got around i imagine when he got bored of that he'll just sort of i can imagine him getting quite like i don't know starting his own cult or becoming jesus or something or like one day he's just thrown all

your food into the sea as part of a cleanse or something you're like oh just give it just trying to liquefy it yeah exactly he goes blending down like a wild pig that we've got. Don't blend down the pig, mate. We need the pig. Okay, well, I think it's a strong lineup of dicks for your island. So I think that's a fine choice all round. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad uh with food i actually like most food which is annoying i think the only food i dislike is i think it's licorice yeah i just i cannot for me it's like it tastes like medicine yeah yeah i feel it's medicinal like i'd rather have mouthwash than licorice and it's also it's like it tastes like medicine yeah yeah i feel it's medicinal like i'd rather have mouthwash than licorice and it's also it's weird because it's normally like with food that tastes doesn't taste great you're like well at least it's good for me it's bad for you like it's bad for you to eat licorice and yet people just still continue on like it's a normal thing to do you're insane you can't don't eat it it's weird isn't it it feels like something that like i get it in the past if you were charlie bucket you know like that's what

you had you had licorice that was a treat but now like there's all kinds of shit we can eat like for fun that isn't that so you could you could only buy it in a shop in which in which snickers were also available do you know what i mean like there's harry bow also on the same shelf it's next to it yeah it's next to it licorice all sorts of like you know you occasionally get them from like your nan or something and it's like well they've got enough of other stuff in that i can maybe pick the licorice bit off and just have the colored bit but when it's just licorice what's the and people you know scandinavia they love salty licorice yeah and it's like what could you do to make this thing that's basically like boot rubber worse? You're like, cover it in salt.

Yeah. What part of fun don't you understand? It's meant to be sweet. Yeah. I don't, I cannot, because some foods I sort of don't really like a little bit, but I can understand. I'm like, I can understand. I literally have no understanding of how licorice could be fun to eat in any sense of the word it tastes so bad on every level to the point where like i can't even finish it you know you have to spit it out

like it's so weird for a food that you you have a mouthful of and you go well i didn't really like that but to have an insult i don't want it in my stomach i don't want to go past my mouth and it's texturally it's very weird because it's sort of like just yes that it sticks in your teeth it's very hard it sort of stays with you for a long time yeah you know it's it's it's there for the long haul yeah and it's not very sustaining i mean it's just i used to get it in health food shops and stuff. So maybe... I remember going there with my mum when I was young and that was like...

It was a health food shop, so obviously you couldn't buy treats there. But on the counter, they had a few things you could get. I think maybe you could get aniseed balls and licorice and some other weird shit. But that was the limit of it. And it was just...

I remember trying it just so I could go, can I have something? Because I'm six and this is the only way to make this trip worthwhile. And then just, no, no, it's terrible. Oh God.

Yeah. I can't figure it out. I, I think I've met very few people that actually like licorice. So I can't, I can't even understand how it's still being made. I don't think I've, I think I've met probably about four people in my whole life who've enjoyed

licorice and the rest are like, well, obviously it's disgusting. I don't understand how. You know when sometimes when you're not doing so well and you're like, it's sad to know that if you got into licorice, you'd have been fine. You'd be like, how has this happened? My wife is the least fussy person I know.

In terms of food, I think there's maybe two things she doesn know like in terms of food like i don't i think there's maybe two things she doesn't like and one of them is licorice and i mean that to me speaks volumes because she's fine with everything basically but licorice is like this sort of kryptonite and i kind of you know i do get it it's just and probably quite tiring to eat as well it's just really tiring really tiring also it's so weird because it's so it's so much worse than everything else it's so much worse there's things i don't like and it's like well if it's on the plate i'll probably mix it with everything else yeah but like there's no way that i could put that amongst anything else like even if i had a fistful of sweets and i put them in my mouth only

one of them was licorice i would still notice and i couldn't eat the rest i couldn't finish the mouthful Oh definitely, it would taint everything wouldn't it It's sort of like, the only purpose I can imagine it would be useful for building with, you know, some kind of like waterproofing thing that you could put on the roof of your hut

or something, but then the rain would probably all turn brown and sticky after a while I think, yeah yeah on the island it might have some practical use as opposed to eating i could maybe maybe it floats maybe i could put them all together and yeah but um yeah on an island i think if i just had licorice um yeah i'd find it very tough this is a horrible podcast i'm actually imagining myself there it's getting worse and worse by the day there's will i am there firstly and then grandpa joe and then there's also just licorice i mean i don't think

they like licorice either so they'll be talking to me about it i don't even want to i think grandpa joe probably it's probably right up his street he's exactly the demographic for licorice i think but but he'll probably go come on come on you know stop stop being such a stick in the mud come on eat your licorice and enjoy. And then probably opening the packets, being like, see if you want a competition. We might be able to go to a factory or holiday or something. You're a podcast listener

and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com okay well i'll distract you from licorice by asking you what would your drink choice be um so this is coming from someone who doesn't drink. So I don't drink alcohol.

And people are like, why? It's like, I just don't think it tastes that nice. Like, it doesn't taste as good as regular drinks. There's a particular scene in Peep Show where Jeremy's having wine at a restaurant and he's asked to taste the wine. And then he tastes it and then he goes, how is it? And he's like, oh, it's really delicious.

It's good for wine. It's not really delicious like hot chocolate or Coke. I think to sum it up, which is like, I think most alcohol tastes quite bad. And the benefits, I think people are just afraid of the benefits of alcohol is like, you get really drunk, and it's nice to get drunk. Like, I don't really get drunk anymore,

but it is nice to get drunk. So I think people are just in denial about, you know, you know you have to have cocktails for it to be enjoyable basically and you have to like to even have beer you have to like wean yourself onto beer for a number of years before you even enjoy it which is just crazy to me yeah but i think the worst drink of all time is a bloody mary okay tomato juice is disgusting it's a disgusting drink and then I like

Tabasco sauce, I like spicy foods but to put that with Tabasco sauce I guess what's the spirit in a Bloody Mary? Vodka So vodka in that too another thing that tastes horrible I'm sick of people pretending vodka's nice, it's not

it's not good, people are like making cooking dishes with vodka i'm like you're insane you're insane but why are you putting vodka in that that's it famously tastes disgusting and then also to put a a celery stick in it i mean when i first had it i thought it was a practice i honestly thought it was a practical joke yeah i once ordered one in an airport and the guy didn't know what one was so i had to explain it to him and you could see him like going are you like you i haven't worked here long are you trying to get me fired like what the fuck is going on you know are you some kind of weird mystery shopper trying to sort of catch me out and i was like no no like tomato juice with uh this and there's some vodka in it what yeah and then celery and um

yeah i like them but i can absolutely understand why they're a fucking weird drink you know how like over the last few years like in pubs burgers have just got taller and taller so they have to be held together with with spikes yeah so that's like a thing in pubs and alongside that bloody mary's have got more and more expensive and complicated to the point where you order one and like half an hour later they bring it to you and they've just been like making soup for ages and then you know what i mean and it's like there is definitely like something weird about them it's just yeah and there's which kind of annoys me quite and also a bad one i mean this is from someone who likes them it's quite often you can just get served one that's just horrible as well even though i like them so but that's the thing

this see this is why this is where we differ like i had my friend um i've known for a long time now he he was he was he was like the bar manager of this um cocktail bar in london and i went he was like come on to the bar we'll get you some drinks for free and stuff and I was like okay and he told me that he he won an award his bar won an award for the best Bloody Mary in the UK for that year so I was like well okay let's let's go like this if this is the best that if this is the best by what I assume is a board that drinks a lot of bloody mary's and this is the best i had it and it was absolutely disgusting still complete disgusting still tasted of tomato juice it was spicy it's so spicy too like i like spicy food but i like it in like why is it in a refreshing drink you know i mean like i don't i just i it's a thing that people really like it and it's

people and people really like it it's for hangovers which i also don't understand why are you drinking something that's completely horrible i i just think it's you would never drink tomato juice by itself adding vodka into it wouldn't help either wouldn't help the taste neither would tabasco sauce you know these aren't balancing each other out i don't understand it and uh yeah i i feel like they're a hate crime against drinks yeah it's very much blurs the line of like food and drink it's kind of like a boozy smoothie or something but like a boozy savory smoothie and when i put it like that i'm

starting to come around to your way of thinking as well. And then to top it off, the celery. One of the worst raw vegetables of all time you can have. Celery, disgusting fibres are going all the way through it. You know, just a horrible vegetable to eat raw. Yeah, and on a hot island as well. Just that nice hot tomato juice. Because it is popular on planes. It's a real, like, plane drink.

A lot of people have them on planes. I don't know why it is about it. But maybe because you're drinking first thing in the morning, I suppose, a lot of the time. Maybe it's because you hate yourself. Yeah, that'd be my reason. Okay, so licorice and Bloody Mary. Fair enough. Okay, now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The planes entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck it only has two working settings. Fair enough. Okay. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Least favourite film. I think this is a... I watched this recently, so it might be just because I watched it recently. But it's Fifty Shades of Grey. Okay.

Okay. I don't know if that's a popular one that's come up I'll have to consult our spreadsheet I haven't seen it but I'm very aware of the critical feedback it got so I'm quite curious to

watch it I'd say I actually did, I tell you don't drink it's not like I'm like I did have a drinking game to it because I thought it would i'm i'm like i did have a drinking game to it because i thought it would be fun to do it we did a drinking game to it so i'm not against drinking in general um but i just don't normally drink we played a drinking game to that game and it was quite it was it was a fun experience but the film if i went to go watch that in a cinema i'd have been absolutely furious um if you don't know anything about basically it's it's based off a book written by someone

and the book is based off um a twilight fan fiction oh really i didn't know that so it's fully it was just online as a twilight fan fiction so if you don't like twilight you know think of the watered down version of that and it's it's just it's And it's just offensive in so many ways. It's offensive to just... Almost nothing happens in the film. Almost nothing happens. It's crazy. It's so long, and nothing's...

And it's not even that long. But I think it's like an hour and a half. But even then, it's like... It's impossible. You're thinking, there must be something that's going to happen in a minute. There must be. And it goes around another corner,

and it's still nothing. And it's about BDSM, and I think it just... It's just, I think, quite... It's just... The whole thing is meant to be quite raunchy, the film. So at least going into it, I was like, this is going to be really raunchy.

And then you watch the film, and the climax of the film is he he hits on the bum with a um with like a little slapper thing like six times and i was like i i that's that's more than most people but i was like for the raunchiest film of the year i was like and it's it's it's not even it's so drawn out it's so built it's like built the whole film was built up to that moment and you're just like is this it's not even that bad i feel like it's i feel like i feel like kids hit each other harder than that like just on a just just around the house i don't know and i just i don't know like do you think it's one of those things where like because the book was supposed to be quite sort of um you know erotically

charged and graphic that they kind of went well we've got a problem because this book has sold millions across the world so we need to capitalize on that and make as much money as possible by doing a film but at the same time we can't do everything because we can't make porn so maybe it's like the lead up to all the shit that's going to happen but then if we do that you end up with a really boring film because basically you know like no one's going into it for like this incredible story is it i mean like surely everyone you know it's about being a bit titillated or being a little bit naughty or something isn't it i mean yeah no one's going, oh, but the writing, the writing is just superb. Yeah, exactly.

Why not just make Go All Out? Because the only people watching, there's no kids watching this. To know me, like, it's only, you know, people in their mid-40s who are, like, really desperate. You're reading or enjoying this at any point. So it's like, just make it, like, crazy. Just make it porn.

I'd respect it more if they were like, it's a porno. Yeah. And then I'd be like, well, yeah, well, sure. Now we can watch it and it's full in entirety and also dislike it at the same time. Yeah. Rather than, you know, even like doing a really watered down version of it. I think I would watch, I think it's quite a special film

in terms of like, I don't know how, because the director of it is, I think it's quite a good director. I think, I remember looking her up at the time because I was like, what? She's actually done some other good films, I think. And it's crazy,

it's crazy to, I think watch it and do a drinking game to it because it's quite fun to do it to a drinking game because some of the rules that you can slip in there are crazy. Like every time she like moans without being prompted there's like there's no context for her moaning and it's

it's a lot like we had to take that rule out a little bit you were like okay we're not gonna make it to the end of the someone hasn't drunk in like a year i was like i don't think i can make it past like the midpoint yeah i wonder if it's just though when it's something that you know has been so successful like i don't know the know, the Da Vinci Code or something, and there's a director you're asked to take it on, you just go, well, even if I can't make this good and I suffer a bit, definitely it's going to do well because people are going to be curious. So, fuck it, I'll just take the check, you know.

But then it's one of those where there's sequels, aren't they? Like Avatar did really well and then they've decided too early on to make sequels and then there's really no appetite for them after people have seen the first yeah there's maybe five in the works i think there's five um films confirmed yeah yeah it's it's like yeah i've not seen the others one other ones i think i'm going to keep it to like a we watched it on valentine's day so i think it's like a valentine it's gonna be like a valentine's day tradition um i dread to i heard the other ones are worse and um yeah i i can't imagine like it's it's honestly i know it's popular to say the film is bad but i don't think i've seen a film as as objectively as bad as this film and it's it looks really nice everything looks nice but it's like it's it's like at least with other films that are really bad you can kind of watch them and go and sort of and sort

of like enjoy how bad they are you cannot enjoy this film without a separate game on top of it like there's no there's no way to enjoy this film at any point even even someone who watched the film for the wrong purposes someone who was like oh like it'd be good to watch like this woman's boobs or whatever even even on that level i feel like you could go into it and be like this is just this is very disappointing even as a pervert going into watching two people get naked and bang yeah hollywood people bang you'd be like this is this is no worth i'm not getting anything from these scenes specifically even the raunchy scenes aren't very good yeah it's it's crazy it's crazy it's weird isn't it that that sort of argument

as well these days it's like when porn is so accessible like i had a mate who was like oh yeah like i know it's really trashy but i really like watching love island because i really fancy the girls in there and you're like you could just watch porn like you can see i mean like you could get so much more or if you didn't want to watch porn you just wanted to look at women in bikinis strolling around you could also find that i mean it's like what like you don't need to do this there's there's a shortcut here it's like yeah it's like when the sun the sun said there was no more page three girls anymore and people's a shortcut here it's like yeah it's like when the sun the sun said there was no more page three girls anymore and people's an outrage about it it's like wait to get in google and then you google image search boobs you can literally there's not even any pages anymore

you can actually just scroll forever you could scroll if you type in boobs into google images and scroll you could probably get three years in without stopping and still have more boobs to see like that's why is the out it's just it's just crazy that people will be outraged by by no more boobs in the paper yeah it's like i wanted to watch my boobs on the train it's like yeah just get a phone get a smartphone you can just save some pictures in your gallery i know it's so weird isn't it so weird okay so 50 Shades of Grey is going to be your uh your film and uh what will your song choice be um so as I said I've mentioned before you know Where Is The Love is very close to it more because it's so popular and I have to hear it every now and then this is a song that I don't think anyone's heard for a long time which is uh Cher Lloyd's Swagger

Jagger okay um I don't know if anyone remembers that song it probably came out probably about 10 years ago i reckon um when i heard that song um yeah it's it's a hate again it's a hate crime against music as someone who like so i write a lot of songs for like different shows like for different people and that's like um i'm learning more about music as i do it as you like that's part of the fun of it and to actually make a song like this from a musician to make a song like this because i know she didn't write it it's not heartfelt to get given her this to sing is is just is is an insult to music it gets worse and worse and worse i've not yet listened to the end of the

song because i cannot i cannot make it to the end of the song it's it's it hits you it's like it's because it's like it's like five songs in one song it's it's it's even even that is like an atrocity which like just stick to the just stick to one thing it moves through phases phases of like it's like a war it's like the next phase is even worse than the last phase it just gets it's so horrible and overproduced the words terrible she keeps saying she keeps mentioning jack mick jagger as if that's like a cultural like you know she knows who mick jagger is and then and then it's it's talking about swag and and people and haters and it's all that sort of like weird jargon that's like doesn't mean anything and it's just it's just completely this the whole song together i truly believe

is the worst song of all time i agree with your point about like her awareness of mick jagger is probably quite small and also mick jagger's style of dancing you know it's very obviously it's you know completely recognizable and unique to him but if it's but it's so kind of um what's the word i can't think of the word but you know it's so unique to him that if you see anyone dancing like him they just look ridiculous it's same as if anyone talks like mick jagger you go what what's wrong why are you doing that yeah you know it's like that's just how he moves and he always has but it's not like someone moving like prince you go okay gotcha right you know like swagger like prince or something but like mick jagger it's just a weird thing and i think it probably just because it rhymes with swagger so well oh 100 it rhymes with swagger because there's another song isn't there was it maroon five there's a

yeah i got the moves moves like jagger yeah again it's like moves like jagger and they're not those songs aren't that thing yeah i mean in terms of chronology they're not that far apart and you know in terms of music they're basically next to each other in the timeline of popular music so like what's going on? Yeah, I was always confused by moves like Jagger. Because a lot of the video is the lead singer of Maroon 5 dancing. I'm like, this isn't about you. Yeah.

This is about your dancing. Yeah. Get Jagger on. I don't know. Yeah, it's a bit of a weird song. I listened to the song before I came on the podcast this morning. Yeah, I still couldn't make it to the end. I still could not make it. Even when I tried to.

Like at the beginning of the song, I was like, you're going to make it all the way through. And in the middle, I was... It wasn't even like I made a decision to turn it off. I just had to put it down. I had to turn it off. It's such a bad song and i i'd like to pick some more personal song of which like i didn't like for this reason it is just simply the worst combination of notes and and

lyrics and music and beats in a song that exists hands down okay fair enough fair enough i wonder if it's just that sort of thing of them going right well she's been on x factor so we've got to give her songs that other people wrote because we want to spend much money but actually she's done enough covers now so we should probably give her a song that seems like it's her own but again don't want to spend so much money anyone got anything it's like oh i've got these like shreds of stuff that other people let's just like copy and paste a load of shit together and then maybe we'll do.

And then if that one does all right, then we'll write her a proper one. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. The way they probably marketed it was like, listen, this needs to be as popular as possible. So let's do a social experiment here in which we put every single genre of music into one song

and then maybe everyone will like it. You're like... And they were like, that's not really worked. Let's do a social experiment here in which we put every single genre of music into one song. And then maybe everyone will like it. And then we're like, that's not really worked. I think it's quite jarring more than anything to have put every genre into one song. Or it's maybe like one of those music industry things where they're like, well, later this year,

we've got loads of other things coming out. We don't really want this to cannibalise our sales of that. So we need to look like we're supporting her, but don't actually want this one to be successful because we've got the new series of x-factor coming out in the autumn let's just write a really shit song and then we said we've given it a chance she won't be so you can go back to wherever she's from done and we can concentrate on little mix or whatever yeah it's probably a deliberate thing that's probably true there's probably like a like an

a range and a b range i was i went to youtube i was watching on youtube and i went down to the comments because i remember at the time it was it was the song was panned by everyone it was like it was like famously bad and it's it's it stuck with me for this long um that's how bad it is but some of the comments i was reading i think they just deleted some of the negative comments on it and um the only left are the positive ones someone has written recently and it's got a lot of likes on it so it's like unironic, it says this is the only thing that's got me

through lockdown and then loads of love hearts after it I was like, you know what we're living in hell where you live must be hell can you imagine being a neighbour to this person every day they wake up

they play it and they go well that's giving me the energy to do what i need to do today it's like honest i cannot it's just so funny to me that someone's in the house and they're going like this is the only thing that's keeping me going like you know everything's gone you know that's my job um yeah it's really difficult i can't speak to my family anymore. The news is more horrible by the day. But Sherlock Swagger Jagger is pulling me up from the depths every single day. Stay down there. Stay in the depths, I reckon. Unless they're like, yeah, just some weird, crazy fan who like,

they are listening to it and it has got them through lockdown, but as has making like threatening letters from cut up magazines whilst listening to it, you know. So, you know so yeah you know we don't know the context around around this survival technique and if you listen to this if you listen to the song right it some of it sounds a bit like a siren it's like a kind of like a siren sort of tinge to it which would be good for like island because you could if you play it loud enough someone will probably come and go is that a siren it's all like what's that horrible noise is that is that is that like is that the hell opening up and then and then it goes no it's just it's just arsenal island it's me nick grimshaw who probably loved it um well i am

he probably loved it and grandpa joe probably dancing to it um yeah yeah well i think it's a good choice and definitely gonna drive you mad as well so yeah fair choice okay now finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why it's a donkey donkey donkey uh you know what it's like it's difficult for me because i feel sad for them when then the advert's carrying too many bricks or whatnot i really i do feel for them i go i don't like carrying bricks you don't like carrying bricks you know that's fair enough but like when i was a kid i uh i was taken to a donkey sanctuary by my mom and dad in wales and um yeah i was saying hi to a donkey and he stood on my foot and he broke my foot basically and um he was there for ages he was stood i was not near anyone i was near my friend

and um he was laughing quite hard at me because the donkey stood on my foot and i crushed it and he my friend was just like laughing because i was just so i'd never been in this much pain before my life and that was like really funny obviously and so no one was there helping me the donkey just wouldn't move i was like i was like punching the donkey like just trying to because just like i did i like it wouldn't get off so i was just trying to hurt the donkey it was it was solid it would like i was like my like seven year old hands were bouncing off this it wasn't even feeling it and um yeah it crushed me and it was like i felt like it knew what it was doing yeah like there's no way that you tread on something like a foot and then there's like yelling screaming and you just stay there and

you continue to eat grass yeah exactly you'd know that something's going on around you that like this this other animal isn't happy with what i'm doing yeah it was it was awful and then ever since then i've had like a just a distaste for donkeys i had to be in bed for the rest of that we were like it was like a holiday it was like in a the place we were at was like it was in a donkey sanctuary so you'd hire out like a little caravan thing they have in the donkey century and the donkeys just basically like just hang around the caravan kind of stuff yeah it ruined it because i was in bed for the whole thing because i couldn't do activities or anything and then i had to the only thing I could look out at was windows

and all I could see was the fucking donkey who put me there. I'm probably quite scared to leave your cabin or your caravan as well. A hundred percent. I did never, even today, like when I see a donkey, I'm just like, I kind of just feel like I want to remove myself from the situation because I'm just like, I think I'm going to have to do something to the donkey for, like, revenge.

But, like, I don't trust myself to be around them. So, yeah, donkey's the worst. I don't have anything. I think it was just that donkey. But it's the only animal that's wronged me so personally. Yeah, but they're quite a weird thing. And, like, they're very loud as well. I remember seeing one when I was on holiday a few years ago,

and it did its kind of classic classic noise and it's deafening and so imagine an island full of those but and it's a horrible noise as well that they make it sounds like they're really in pain like we me and my wife were walking along and like i don't know i think we had some bread in our bag and fed it and it started making this noise we thought we'd like broken it or something we're like shit should we not have is it choking what oh no that's just the donkey sound it's okay but um yeah you know you say it they they do make a horrible kind of unexplainable noise it's a bit like a you know when a fox screams yeah that's the only way to describe it it's screaming yeah but a fox screams it's the same thing with the donkey you're like it's the that's the sort of

noise an animal makes when you're just like, I think you want me to put you down. It sounds like we should go to the vet. Yeah. Yeah, and they do seem like... Well, I mean, obviously in your case it was kind of obstinate and stubborn and horrible,

but yeah, it does definitely sound like an awful thing to be stuck with. And you can't eat them. It's not going to be nice to eat them. So yeah, I think a good a good choice for uh an animal to overrun your island so i think it's a fitting a fitting end to uh your selection which has been amazing by the way i think uh very well thought through um very unpleasant to live with um so i think you've nailed it really so thanks thanks man thank you

very much is there ever a situation in which you're like that sounds great actually i think you've you've you've swindled this occasionally on on the food and drink i'm like i could deal with that i don't always hate every person that's on there so there's some that are better than others but i think i know i mean apart from the bloody mary and yours i could deal with that but i mean again on a hot island though not really what i'd be after so even then it's pretty good so you'd have to have salvaged the bloody really what i'd be after so even then it's pretty good so you'd have to have salvaged the bloody the bloody mary from the plane too so it's not even like it's not even out of a like cold glass it's like you literally have to get like a carton of

concentrated tomato juice and then also pit you know get this get the celery out of a sand dune you know like blow it down and stuff you know and then you have to like take the vodka it's probably not great vodka from the plane as well so it's probably going to be the worst bloody marrow you will ever have yeah great yeah definitely okay now um obviously uh you know it's been a tough tough time for comedians and stuff but you know there's sort of restrictions easing on on the horizon um is there anything you're up to at the minute that we should uh we should um put in our diaries where's the best place to sort of keep keep abreast of of what you're up to um you can follow me on instagram and twitter huge davies um at the moment i've just i've uh just finished like i was on the last series of samskat show um i've done a bunch of

different sort of like mini like little things i've done but they're kind of all over now um i think uh yeah i'm just sort of waiting for stand-up to come back to be honest i think we're all like just waiting for it to happen um hopefully it will happen um we run a um i run like an online gig called join my um every every every so often with with chloe pats and sam lake and um olga koch um so that's good uh if you want to see us do some some comedy um but apart from that nothing really to be honest um you know uh if you want to find out more about me you can you can follow me on social media and stuff but no massive big projects coming up okay well that's all right well we should keep following you and uh yeah just enjoy your stuff that way but um huge thank you very much

for coming on desert island so it's been an absolute pleasure mate thanks man thanks i've enjoyed it thanks very much Bye.