Desert Island Dicks - IAN SMITH

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

My guest for this week is 1/3 of The Magic Sponge Podcast, comedian, Ian Smith. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ian Smith. Hello. Hi, how are you? Yeah, I'm okay. I'm very self-conscious about the way I say hello. Are you? Why? I don't like it. I don't like when we do the Magic Sponge podcast.

Yes, you do the Magic Sponge podcast, yeah. People, they'll say we're joined by ian smith and you've got a sound like immediately engaging yeah or like people might be listening and if i go you're all right you might think who the fuck is this guy like um so yeah so you give it a big hello yeah i sort of i was quite i tried to say hello in the way that i think got a likable enthusiastic person would nice yeah i think i think you came across like that oh good and i think explaining it has really helped people to yeah to see what you want to get out of it yeah ian thank you very much for joining me as

always let's dive in who's going to be your first person i don't know if dick is dickhead is too strong a word for that holographic woman who's at the end of travelators or escalators. Yeah, I know who you mean. So for the listeners that might not, who do you mean? So, I don't know who she is, but

she's like, one of her classics is like, if you go to an escalator and you're in a train station or something she'll say um please don't bring heavy bags onto the escalator yeah and you just think what are you gonna do about it like your hologram is true so i'll always just have a heavy bag and just think what you think i just think what sort of weak-minded person is seeing a hologram say, don't bring a heavy bag on here,

and then going, oh, shit, I'm going to have to find where the lift's at. I'm like, no, just take it on the escalators. She's not going to stop you. Yeah. Although I think the worst one is just, yeah, there's travellers in the airport, and she'll say, you are approaching a conveyor belt.

That's an element of life that has just completely passed you by and then says you're about to get off it yeah i just i just think it's patronizing even for like a kid i think a kid would look and go that's moving yeah yeah i and and i guess as well if you were she's not offering anything else to the table. She doesn't have any other settings. No, it's true. So she would just be saying that. And we're crashed, aren't we? So even then you'd just be like, and is it a plane crash?

It was a plane crash, wasn't it? It was, yeah. So everyone's luggage is all over the place. And she's constantly saying, don't bring luggage on the escalators. You're like, we're past fucking escalators now. It's just sand. There was just the place. Yeah. And she's constantly saying, don't bring luggage on the escalators. You're like, we're past fucking escalators now. Yeah. It's just sand. There was just stuff everywhere.

Yeah. And dead people, presumably, everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Also, when you see it in an airport, I kind of feel like, is that a waste of the technology? Do you know what I mean? They've got a hologram, a holograph.

Is it a holograph or hologram? I don't know. A hologram. But what is a holograph? A hologram? I don't know. But what is a holograph? A holograph? I don't know. A hologram, it's a hologram. Yeah.

Like, is that a waste of hologram technology just to have someone repeatedly telling you not to take a big bag onto something? Yeah, I mean, it's not a good use of it. I don't think so. But it's also like, I don't know how much it would cost on like a daily basis to run but they could because maybe it's not enough but you could

let a homeless person you could stand by the escalator employ them yeah yeah and also if a homeless person's saying to you don't take your bag on that escalator, you might listen to him. You might stop, yeah. You might. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know how much, because if it's only like £4 a day, they might get that anyway. Yeah, you're probably better off.

And it's probably illegal. Yeah, it's true. You're probably better off walking up and down the tube. Yeah, yeah. You'd get more money, yeah. That's true. I mean, that would be annoying on the island, though. Just that holograph person but

they're just like I keep saying holograph it's a hologram isn't it I'm pretty sure yeah it's a hologram yeah

holographic holographic but that seems yeah because it's not hologramic no yeah you're right

I don't fuck it maybe there's a maybe a holograph is... Maybe a hologram is just like those... Sometimes when a... It's never a good film. Releases one of those DVD cases that you can move. Yes.

So this is like a horror film. Yes. Where you're walking by like, oh shit, that was jumping out. But it's never an Oscar contender. No, you're right. Tom Hanks offering up a box of chocolates on Forrest Gump. Yeah.

I've only just thought about how shitty a film must be if you're, like, throwing everything at the DVD case. Yeah. What was that? The one that really sticks out in my mind is, what's the one, it's like, is it called, like, The Day After Tomorrow? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and that had a holographic case. Yeah, because that's when the ice age starts. In, like, two days, it goes from nothing to ice caps. It does, yeah. That film is... I remember first watching that, I'm thinking, this is a good film. I remember now, as an adult, thinking...

What was I thinking? Yeah. I tell you, maybe that's the hallmark of a bad film, if it's got a holographic case. Yeah, yeah. That's it, you know. Yeah, I don't think there... i can't think of anything good that's had a holographic case no it's true i mean you are chucking everything at it if you're doing a holographic case but that hologram woman on an island just repeatedly also it's not even a good hologram because um

holograph no a hologram it's not even a good hologram because it has to be projected onto a white board, right? Yeah, yeah. It's not just like when they got Tupac back to do a rap. Do you know what I mean? When Snoop, was it Snoop Dogg or Dr. Dre, they brought back Tupac. Yeah.

It's not like that. Yeah, they might as well just have a cardboard cutout and the voice thing. Because it's not like your belief has been suspended that you go, wow, look at that woman. Yes, it's true. I think if you just saw a cardboard cutout and a voice, you'd be like, oh, the voice is meant as if it's coming from that woman.

Yeah, just from a tannoy. It could just come from a speaker. And I think she doesn't have tons of voice. She only has, like breezy optimistic so but i say like a man that's been on a voiceover website yeah yeah yeah just like you are coming to the end of the escalator that's it neutral but you'd want um for the island you just want like a bit of sadness or urgency like if you could change the settings yes it's true um did you see that they're doing like hologram hologram holographic holographic what the fuck

is it called we've as absolute minefield i've really got into a hole here i don't even know what to call it i knew i think i knew before, holographic. Oh, it's just shit. I think that people are doing hologram tours, right, where they're like, Roy Orbison is a hologram on the stage, and you can watch him do a hologram the whole time. I saw War of the Worlds, the musical version of War of the Worlds,

and I think that's a mad play anyway, but Liam Neeson's in it as a hologram. No. But his character still has to be played by a normal person. Because the guy's got songs and stuff. So Liam Neeson's projected on a screen saying, we walked and walked for miles and this happened and this happened. And then it's just like some bloke kind of walking

probably thinking I could fucking say this live yeah and then that guy does like the singing and then at the end of the play the whole cast come on and bow

and then they point up to the hologram of Liam Neeson oh no and Liam Neeson takes a bow as a hologram

how that is ridiculous you can see the cast's face are thinking like just hating him fucking pointing bow as a hologram. How... That is ridiculous. You can see the cast's face are thinking like... Just hating him. Fucking pointing up to this hologram. He only had to do this once. We do this every day,

twice a day. And I... Yeah, it just shows as well, if they're alive... If they're dead, fair enough, hologram's your only option. But if he's alive, it just means he's gone...

Someone said, do you want to do War of the Worlds? And he's gone, no just means he's gone. Someone said, do you want to do War of the Worlds? And he's gone, no. But I would do it once and just tape it and you could play it in, thinking no one's going to say yes to that. And they've just gone, oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And we'll pay you double. Don't worry about it.

He probably will be on more than the cast. Yeah, he'll probably earn more doing that once than they will for the whole run. Yeah. What a depressing thought. Holograms. Fucking bastards. That's what they are, aren't they?

They're taking work away. I think we wouldn't have Brexit if all our hatred had been focused on holograms instead of immigrants. Like, coming here, taking our easy jobs. Yeah. It's like, watch out. Oh, escalator coming up. Like, I could do that. Yeah, you could.

Just sitting there. You could get jobbing actors. That's what you could do. Yeah, yeah. Right? Fuck you, holograms. Yeah. All right, holograms are going to be your first choice, I think.

All right, thank you very much, Ian. And who's going to be your second choice? This guy called Kev, who was a motivational speaker we had at secondary school. Not like for the whole class, not just like one-on-one. Oh, that would be horrible, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. He just like, he cost the school a lot of money. We've got the sense that he cost the school a lot of money. We've got the sense that he costs the school a lot of money because like I had a year

Mr. Chappell was really pleased about getting him. Right. He was like bigging him up a lot and everything about him

I didn't like. He's the sort of person that you I mean luckily I only know him I only know that he was called Kev. Right.

So this isn't going to be libelous. But he looked like you wouldn't be surprised if someone was like, oh, that guy was only doing motivational speaking in school so that he could get off with all these kids. Oh, my God. He just didn't look right.

He had blonde streaks in his hair, like what was popular at the time. Right. But he's, like, 40 or something. Head to toe in River Island. Yeah, yeah. At one point... So the first thing he did was he swore,

but in the way as if to be, like, I don't operate on the level of your teachers, guys. Like, I'm cool, Kev. What age were you? This must have been before college so like 15, maybe even 14. So teenager, teenager

so swear it, at first I don't know why I was just like primary school but then obviously you wouldn't have a motivational speaker at primary school. Yeah that's too intense You need to work harder. I know. Get those days of the week learned.

Yeah. He just started off by saying, look, I'm not going to give you any old bullshit. But then looked as if to be like, I just said bullshit. And everyone was like, yeah, people swear when they're 14. And then people looked over at their head teacher

and he sort of put his hands up as if to go kev can do it he wants um yeah i just thought everything he everything he said like i've only got vague memories of this but i remember him telling us how much his shoes cost what to brag oh brag. Oh, right. Because he was like, yeah, he wanted to be a footballer, then he got a knee injury, then he started doing motivational speaking. His shoes cost 80 quid. At one point he said,

did you see the car I came in in? Because he had a sports car. He's like David Brent, this guy. Yeah, yeah. And the talk was basically his five steps to success. And all of them were really simplistic. The first one was, step one,

work out what you want to do. Right. Once you've worked that out, step two, you're like, working out what you want to do is, that's the hardest thing of doing it. You can't just go, work out what you want from your is that's the hardest thing of of doing it you can't just go work out what you want

from your life and everyone going yeah alright done it come on hurry up Kev what's the next step yeah so just say stuff like that

and then step two take positive steps towards achieving that goal and you're like but how right and so you're just saying stuff like that

well step one would be a professional footballer. Step two, I'm in the football team, mate, so don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah. Break your knee, become a motivational speaker. Yeah. I just don't trust motivational speakers. Wait, what was step three?

Oh, I don't remember. I don't remember. I shut off when... I had a friend who, he was talking to me after it. He said, I went up to Kev. And Kev said, what do you want to be when you're older? And I said, I want to be rich. And he said, good, right.

So his second step was like, no, that's not good. Do you mean you want to be rich? That's not a job. It's just like... And that guy works in... He works in a distribution centre somewhere. I don't know what he's earning, but he's not... He's not rich.

Like, he hasn't nailed it off the back of Kev's advice unless he's like, right, get rich. First step, work in a distribution centre for Amazon or something. Step two, I've got shares in amazon step three i own amazon i don't i don't know what route he's taking but um the best thing that he did um was he told a story about a kid getting bullied at school and it was clear from the beginning of that story that the kid was him, and that was going to be the reveal. Because it just felt so obvious.

And the story, which you're trying to tell 14-year-olds and expect them not to laugh, was that some kids ejaculated on his backpack. What? On this kid's backpack. What? When he was on a school trip trip how did he how did he explain that well this is a face even mr chapel in the corner was a bit like oh i didn't mind bullshit

but this story about jackie was a bit weird um but um then like um he um oh i've just remembered i've misremembered that they shit in his backpack I've gone for come on the backpack what an insane way to I knew it was something with bodily fluids that was horrendous and I've just gone straight to ejaculate

as I was saying that I thought I'm not sure if that sounds right it sounds too extreme no they just shit in his backpack No, I think, because as I was saying that, I thought, I'm not sure if that sounds right. It sounds too extreme. No, they're just shit in his backpack. Still quite extreme. Yeah, but it's been downgraded a bit. Someone had to hate him enough to have a shit in his backpack. Oh, yeah.

But the problem was, he thought he could tell that story and get to the bit where he goes, and you know that kid? That kid's kev and look at me now but everyone was just laughing whenever he said the word shit so before he could get to his motivational bit he just he broke and he just went started shouting at everyone just guy you think that's funny someone's shitting in someone's bag you think that that was me look at me now i just had a meltdown

saying look at me now pointing at his shoes and talking about his car did he have a breakdown yeah yeah he started shouting at everyone oh my god he's trying to get to the big reveal

he's shouting at everyone and then after you calm down he's like I'll be signing books for five pound in the hall I didn't like anything about him. I don't either.

That is mad. That is mad. He was just like, he couldn't get to the end. And then... Too angry. He just got angry at me. He hasn't got over the shit in the backpack. That is so funny.

Fucking hell. No amount of expensive trainers have made him forget. But I'm imagining this David Brent type character because he's just like, look at my shoes. Could be you. Yeah. You see me rolling in my car. Also could be you.

With no sense of irony whatsoever. No, I guess, but most people thought it was cool because you see like a grown up. Yeah. He's dressed in all the latest kind of cool clothes and you think, wow, this guy. It's been amazing to be him. He's a cool guy. But his job is just talking to kids, motivational speaking for kids.

I think it's a grim profession. Right, I've got some questions for you. Where did he find him? Where did Mr. Chappell? I've tried to find him since. I've tried to search Kev Motivational Speaker. No luck. There's a guy who's just a torso who does motivational speaking. Have you seen

him before? No. He's just a torso. What do you mean? I'm not exaggerating. He's got no head. Oh, no, hang on. Yeah, he's got a head. He's a torso and a head. Yeah, I've made it sound a lot worse there

he's like the ejaculate to shit again um yeah he's got a head yeah and a torso um I thought there was like

a living torso that's my idea to say that yeah because like clearly he's got a head yeah but to be fair if I had a motivational

talk from a torso I think I'd be like Mark I've got no excuses to not achieve my goals. Yeah, definitely. This guy doesn't have a head. Yeah. Yeah, but still with a head that is quite motivational. Yeah, yeah. Right? Oh, yeah.

But I still think it's a bit guilt trippy. It is a bit, yeah. Because everyone finds things hard in different ways and all he needs to do is go, oh, what are you finding things hard? What, you've got two arms and two legs? Seems like you're in a good position to me. And you've got to be like, oh, fuck, sorry, man.

Set about something in your life. Yeah, that is a bit guilt trippy. Yeah. Okay, Kev. So Kev's going to be your second choice. Yeah. Anything else on Kev before we put him on the island? Just if you are listening to this and you're a motivational speaker called Kev, it probably wasn't you. It's probably a lot of you.

Yeah. I don't think you could sue that. Because all I've said is I thought he was shit. Yeah, exactly. Can't sue for that. Yeah. Got to prove you're not a shit in court. Exactly, yeah.

Yeah. Prove it, Kev. Right, and who's going to be a third choice, Ian? So this one I feel is more boring oh right but just because it's all going on at the minute

yes whether or not it's still going on when this is out oh it's definitely long from over yeah yeah

but I just David Cameron yes okay just because I just think he's gotten away with the whole all the Brexit

stuff I think he's the biggest scumbag out of He's gotten away with all the Brexit stuff. I think he's the biggest scumbag out of the lot of them. And I imagine he's just having a great time. I think he's probably just at home, just laughing. I can just imagine him laughing. Laughing to himself. I think if I was that rich and I'd fucked the country up,

I'd just be like, oh, what a bad move for me. Yeah. Oh, well. Oh, well. I'm going to be fine. Yeah, everyone will be talking about him, and if he goes out in the street, people will probably shout wanker at him. But doing that to him, that happens when you're prime minister anyway.

Yeah. Never please everyone. Everyone remembers that you had sex with a pig that time. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? You're getting laughed at left, right and centre. Yeah, that you had sex with a pig that time. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? You're getting laughed at left, right and centre. Yeah, so you just stay in your house. Got a big house, big garden.

Go abroad where people don't care about you as much. Yeah. Just, that's fine. Yeah. I think. Yeah. But still, he just like launched that and he just walked away. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

See you later. And now, it's all all we have to talk about all the time yeah it's a nightmare i i just think everything that you find annoying about it is all because of him one thing i hate at the minute is when theresa may says um have one of her kind of soundbites is i think what the british public want is for us to just get on with it and you're like no i want you to stop it i want you to stop it now yeah yeah i don't want you to get on with it. And you're like, no, I want you to stop it. I want you to stop it now. Yeah, yeah. I don't want you to get on with it.

I want this to get so bad that you're forced into some kind of second referendum or an election. I don't want you to get on with anything. No. But everything that is annoying, even like we wouldn't have her dancing. No.

I think if I went to Africa and dance like that in front of some people from that country it would be considered a racial hate crime yeah but she does that and like she's trying her best to have a go no yeah i reckon she's a brilliant dancer and she's just being sarcastic oh yeah maybe but like she did it once right i actually she did it once, right? I actually... She did it once, and then someone said to her, right, carry on with that, because it's making people like you a little bit. Yeah, yeah. See what I mean?

Because, like, there's not an awful lot to like there. And so someone that's spinning the PR was like, do that again. Oh, yeah, they're the real... They're running the country. They're pulling the strings. Some people who work in PR, no disrespect to the PR who works for me in Edinburgh,

who I like a lot, and I think it's a different game. PR in terms of celebrity PRs or political advisors must get paid so much. I reckon they're all, and I don't like to use this phrase, dumb as fuck. I think I could be a better PR for Theresa May

and be earning a lot more money than I am now. Yes. Just by telling her, don't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. Pop this Christmas hat on. Yeah.

Put a Christmas hat on. Yeah. Put a Christmas hat on. Yeah. When you do the fart noises with your armpits, don't throw a couple of them in. Yeah. I know how to get people to like you. Stop Brexit. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They might do a second referendum. This is a thing, right? Yeah, but I think we're all doomed, though. Yeah. Because if we have a second referendum and then it wins, then the people who wanted it will put their nose out of joint

and then they'll be like, well, hang on, let's have a third one because now we've lost and we feel more mobilised. And it's just, I think it's going to be divided. Although the good thing is I think some of those people will realise how, not that they were wrong, but just how complicated it is. Some of them will have died. Yes. Because a lot of them are quite old.

Yes, yes. So, like, I heard the statistic that the amount of people that have turned 18 in the time since the referendum that will vote remain and the amount of people that have died that have voted leave, if we did another one, just by that it would swing it. Just by that it would swing it by enough percent. Also, the most annoying thing is,

Nigel Farage said something that, if we'd done, would have been brilliant. But he basically, he said, if it isn't won by a big enough margin, then we should have another one in the future. And he said that because he thought he was going to lose. But David Cameron, the arrogance of thinking, no, we'll win.

But if he'd done that, then he could have said, it's got to be 55% in favor because and you could have easily said you know this is too big a decision to buy a very small margin to to make or whatever and um that would have pleased nigel farage because he everyone was expecting to lose um and it's like with scottish independence when they lose if you say to them but we'll give you another one in three years they'll be fucking buzzing with that yeah

because they wouldn't expect it like to usually get one so if you'd have done that it just wouldn't be happening but it's the arrogance of thinking nah we're gonna

boss this we're gonna be fine yeah it could have yeah I think it's just arrogance and

I don't think I could I guess maybe if you're standing on an island you'd be like what does it matter to us and you'd probably be quite a nice nice guy actually me maybe you'd be alright you'd probably have the best stories out of everyone

at least and we wouldn't be bothered about immigrants we'd be complaining about this hologram taking our jobs alright David Cameron's going to be your third choice thank you very much Ian be bothered about immigrants we'd be complaining about this hologram yeah exactly yeah what you could do with that all right david caberman's gonna be a fair choice thank you very much ian you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run

a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lipsandads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n-ads.com now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there's some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad um so for food yeah food first i i just thought butter butter that'd be my my idea of hell yeah if hell existed i think it would be just being like you know the big cubes of butter like cooking sort of stuff just like that sliced up and being fed to you. Just fed butter. Like if a sandwich has too much butter in it, you bite into it and you get a big... Oh, a big thing of butter, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah.

What about marge? How do you feel about margarine? Yeah, anything. Same, like that, yeah. That lad. Oils, I don't like... I don't like olive oil when people dip their bread in that. Put it on things, yeah.

Fucking hell. Anything like greasy. I struggle with that as well. I don't like it. What about like fried stuff? Oh, yeah, I like that. Oh, do you? It's just the, like I remember when me and my family

would go up to Scotland in the summer and we'd stop off at some relatives and they would make like bread rolls for us and if you pushed down on the bread roll, the butter would like come out of the sides. Yeah, so much butter. Yeah, it's just... Oh, yeah. And I just couldn't like...

It makes... If I eat it, I have to like gear myself up to swallow it whole. Oh. What are you having on a sandwich then? In my ideal situation? No, yeah, yeah. Do you not put butter on a sandwich?

Oh, yeah, but I just spread it thinly. Spread it thin, right. It's like a layer, a bit of flavouring. The flavour of butter, fair enough, is more when you can feel that it's there. Right. I like the taste to be there, but I don't like my mouth. Like, if my mouth had no taste buds,

I wouldn't want to know butter was there by the texture. No, okay. Yeah, it's just a hint of it so so on an island oh like just you open the cargo hold with this plane right and it's just tubs and tubs of butter yeah yeah you've just got to eat that the whole time yeah i i think that's the kind of i don't know if i'd make it no that's past that or whether i'd just like um i don't know how you make a noose on an island I don't know but yeah jump off a coconut tree or something

yeah and just try and do it like that into sand, I don't know, you just have to keep swimming into that butter, so yeah, tubs and tubs of butter, also they'd melt so it'd just be like this really melted like oily thing that you'd have to be drinking.

Yeah, when butter gets... I've got a lot of problems with butter. When it gets too warm, I don't like the texture of it then. But also when it's too cold and you can't spread it. Because that's when you get your clumps. Tears your bread up as well. Absolute nightmare. The fucking gall of Lurpac

to call itself spreadable. No. It's not. It's not. It's not at all. This should be like a government standard spreadability, I think.

You have to, you have to, like, you have to pre-empt that you're going to make a sandwich and leave it out for an hour. Yeah, yeah. Or,

like, sometimes, what I'll do is, if I'm making a tea as well, I'll hold the knife over the steam and warm it up. Oh, really? Yeah. Fucking hell.

Is that too much? You should never have to go to that matter, should you? You shouldn't, no. For anything. As soon as you're steaming something, you've gone to too much effort. As soon as you're steaming a utensil. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so butter's going to be your food choice,

and what's going to be your drink choice? Just any type of coffee. Any type of coffee? Yeah, yeah. You hate coffee? I hate it, but I love caffeine. I used to have, not like a lot, but I would have an energy drink if I needed to get work done.

Right, yeah. And all that kind of stuff. I like the idea of liking coffee. It seems like you could be a bit of a dickhead about it. And I even quite like the smell of a coffee shop, all that kind of stuff. I like the sound of being able to say, what beans you got?

What beans you got? I like how pretentious that sounds. Like if someone says, do you want a coffee? What sort of bean you got? What's the brew? Yeah, yeah. Or whatever, I don't know. But the taste, I can't. No, you sounds. Yeah, yeah. Like if someone says, do you want a coffee? What sort of bean you got? What's the brew? Yeah, yeah. Or whatever, I don't know. But the taste, I can't. No, you can't deal with it.

No. What about with a bit of sugar? A bit of milk? No, even when it's like a coffee cake. Oh. And it's like a bit of the flavour. Okay, so you really don't like the flavour. No.

I think once I remember, I think this must have been in like primary school or something. I'm finding it funny. Or maybe I did this when I been in like primary school or something of finding it funny or maybe I did this when I was a kid at home finding it funny to get like a little spoon of coffee and be like oh watch this instant coffee and put it in my mouth and I could taste coffee

for like a week it's so strong so maybe I've ruined it for myself by doing that maybe yeah do you like tea? not a lot. I'm not a big hot... I like green teas.

Mmm. And hot chocolate. Nice. But... And I don't mind tea, but I would never choose to drink it. No, right. Even...

I would have water over tea. And as much as you have to have water to be healthy I do think water is I feel like I mean there's a lot of benefits to it but it's boring it is yeah what are you going to then?

what's your drink of choice? erm I have too much I have too much fizzy do you at the minute it's not good for you what do you have

Dr Pepper nice yeah Dr Pepper's probably my favourite drink yeah and it's such a fine balance because I like Dr Pepper

but if you've ever had like a Sainsbury's or Tesco or a brand Dr Pepper it would be like Dr Pop or

never had it Chief Consultant no Pepper or something. And they taste terrible. No, it's pepper. Do they? Even Dr. Pepper Zero or Diet Dr. Pepper I think is terrible. Just the one, just the sugar one.

Yeah. Nice, yeah. It's such a fine balance as a product. There's nothing else like it, I don't think. No, it is nice, yeah. Or iron brew. Iron brew? Mm.

Ah. I'm three quarters Scottish, so maybe that's why I like it more. It's in your blood. Yeah, yeah. Made of girders. Mm. Okay, so coffee's going to be your drink choice. Ian, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The plane's entertainment system continues to work, But just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? I found this really difficult to think of. So I was trying to think if there was any time I'd walked out

of a cinema. And I haven't, but I nearly did with the film Get Hard. Get Hard. Will Ferrell. Yes. And Kevin Hart.

Right. Tell, if the listeners haven't seen it, describe what this film is. Um, so, Will Ferrell is like a posh white man.

Mm. And he gets sent to prison and he... I can't even remember how they get round to this, but he bumps into Kevin Hart, some kind of thing, which allows Will Ferrell to racistly think, if I'm going to prison,

I need to get this guy to teach me what life is like in prison because he is a black man. Yes, yeah. Which is an insane plot for a film. Yeah. But I mean, I think like... So offensive.

Yeah, I guess like Will Ferrell gets away with it because he's so well loved. And because I guess, I mean, Kevin Hart's in the film as well. It's not as if like, Kevin Hart could have said at one point, well, this sounds racist. Yeah. And like. He could have done, yeah.

So I don't think it is, but it's certainly not an ideal premise to a film. And then, yeah, Kevin Hart tries to teach him. Kevin Hart's wife seems to be like, why are you doing this? And then I think he, I don't know if he goes to prison or not. And I think they just become mates maybe. Yeah, I can't remember. It's, yeah, it's mad.

I did see it. I have seen it and it is terrible. Yeah. I was in the awkward situation where I was, me and my girlfriend were visiting my auntie and uncle. Right. And, you know, they're my auntie and uncle, but I don't spend loads of time with them. Yeah. And we like each other, we're family, but we don't know each other's tastes inside out.

Yeah. So we go and stay with them and we're there for a few nights and we don't want to other's tastes inside out. Yeah. So we go and stay with them. And we're there for a few nights. And we don't want to go out every night. Both of us have got kids, so we're not really getting out. But we were like, all right, let's do something. So most nights we're watching a film. One night we're flicking through.

And this one was on the TV. And we were like, oh, great, Will Ferrell. It'll be good, right? And then we're in this awkward situation where. And we were like, oh, great, Will Ferrell. It'll be good, right? And then we're in this awkward situation where we're family, but we don't know each other well enough to say, right, let's just switch this off. Do you know what I mean? You don't want to say that and everyone be like,

what? This is the best film ever. But we were sort of talking about how shit it was in a way, but also kind of like no one wanted to say, let's switch this off because this is really shit. Yeah, yeah. So we persisted and we've ended up watching the whole of Get Hard,

which was fucking terrible. I watched it, I think, because I was in the cinema and I just thought, I can't, I've paid. Yeah. I can't watch that. Yeah, yeah. Can you demand your money back if you don't like the film? I don't think you can.

No, I don't know. I don't know if you can. No like the film? I don't think you can. No, I don't know. I don't know if you can. No, surely not. I don't think so. Maybe you could... If you're that desperate, you could message... No, I don't think you could, actually. I reckon you could maybe get your money back,

but you'd have to be the sort of person who is aggro enough that the cashier's just like, I'm just going to give this guy his money back. Yeah, yeah. You'd have to be the sort of person who was aggro enough that the cashier's just like, I'm just going to give this guy his money back. Yeah, yeah. You'd have to really kick off. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't bother, to be honest. No, I don't think so, though.

You could walk out, but yeah. I mean, by the time I paid, I've never left a film either. I couldn't do it. No, no. I don't think. I can't think of anything I've seen that I've hated. But there's a scene where, like, Kevin Hart's trying to teach him

what it's going to be like in the prison yard. Right, yes. And he's saying, like, you know, you've got the white people hanging out with each other, you've got the black guys hanging out with each other, you've got the Hispanics hanging out with each other. So he, like... It's basically like a kind of vanity scene

of them saying, Kevin can do two funny accents. Let's try and work that into a scene. And it's just Will Ferrell moving around to one group and then them kicking him out and then him going over to the Hispanics and them kicking him out. Right.

And then him going back. Right. And I remember watching it and thinking, how many times is he going to go between these two groups? Yes, right. And then it ends with Kevin Hart just going, every scene ends with Kevin Hart trying to teach him and then going, no, this is he going to go between these two groups yes right and then it ends with Kevin Hart just going every scene ends

with Kevin Hart trying to teach him something and then going no this is never going to work right yes it's like it's poor isn't it

yeah yeah it was very I can't imagine there being a script other than improvise what it'd be like in the

prison yard and just thinking these guys are funny we can yeah that'll be fine. I remember there's a whole thing about him learning to, like, conceal things in his arse. That was, like, a big thing.

Oh, really? They talked about that loads. And it was just like, oh, I... OK. Do you know what I mean? Fair play to prisoners, though, who can get a mobile phone up their arse.

Yeah. Because even though they're, like, thin nowadays, they're still wide. Imagine trying to get that up your arse and pointing at my phone and, like... You shouldn't have put a cushioning case around it to protect the screen. What? Yeah. Take that off straight away if you're pointing it up your arse. Yeah, definitely. It's just making it worse for yourself.

Definitely, yeah. You need to just, like... well, what would be ideal? I don't know. I don't know. A condom lubed. Anyway, okay. This is the last thing I'll say on this. I don't think a lubed-up phone would go up my arse,

even if it's lubed up. I don't think so. I think lube can only do so much. Yeah, and also, right, once you do get it in there, how are you getting it out? Oh, God. My knees have got to feel weird. From talking about that?

Yeah, yeah. I think I've got like something went through my spine of like my body saying, don't even think about shoving your phone up your ass to prove a point. You need to make sure you don't go to prison. Yeah. Anyway.

Okay, right, yeah. I'm sorry, Till, for taking it there. Anything else on Get Hard? I don't think I remember enough about it. No, neither do I. I'm thinking it was terrible.

Okay, so your film choice is going to be Get Hard. That'll be awful to watch for the rest of your life. Imagine that. A play-by-play of Get Hard just all the time. And what's going to be

your song choice um i don't know what what the official title is but walking in the air the snowman song yes yes so it's not sad no i don't know what emotion the song is it's not sad it's not hopeful no i think it's scary there's something like um especially i think if you were like in a i think here listening to that song feels like being stood on the edge of like a tall building and having to look down oh yeah and yes. And thinking for the feeling you get where you're like, oh, fuck, I nearly fell. Yeah, I'm with you.

I think that's what that song feels like. Yes. There's like an unease about it. It's the song version of walking over one of those really big bits of glass or perspex, you know, when you're on a high building. Yeah, yeah. And you're looking down. Hmm.

Yes. There's just something like, I don't know what they were going with it. Going for like, so I think the snowman's like taking him up in the sky and it's a, I think it's supposed to be nice, but it's just It's haunting.

Yeah, haunting is a good word for it. Yeah, if anything. Yeah, like I think if my house had a poltergeist Oh my god. That's the music that would be most fitting. Yeah, yeah. I think they come with theme tunes and ghosts. When it comes into a room.

Yeah. Because ideally they want you to know that they're there. Yeah. Right. Like, yeah, if someone if like everyone had like an entrance song, like a wrestler, if someone come into your house to that song, you'd be like, fucking hell, what do they want?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what are they going to do? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's an uneasiness about the snowman, right? Yeah, and I felt like that since I was a kid. I think I must have listened to it as a kid and thought and it stuck with me for like at least 20 years yeah thinking what is this yeah yeah and why it feels like the kind of thing that like um

like it's some kind of puzzle or something. Like, if there is an afterlife, they'll say, what did that song mean? And you're like, oh, shit, it was something like... I've got no idea. I don't know. It's like a switch in my brain that just makes me think, what is life? What are we doing here?

Oh, no. There's something terrifying about it. Oh, no. One of those yeah what um are you are you actively having to try and avoid the snowman i guess it comes up every now and then like it might be in a supermarket yes like on a playlist yes you don't want to get existential dread when you're trying to choose what veg you want. It's true. Or trying to do a big shop.

Yeah, yeah. No one wants existential dread while they're trying to do the big shop because that can be gruelling in itself. Oh, yeah. Maybe it is quite a good theme tune to the dread of a big shop. Yeah. Yeah, well, I imagine maybe if they played it, it'd get people through the shop quicker because you just want to get out.

Yes, it's true. The Snowman. I've never thought of it like that, but maybe I've always been indifferent. But actually, it does sort of leave you feeling with a weird emptiness. I think a lot of things that choir boys do are creepy as well. Yeah. What do you mean? Well, choir boy songs.

Right, yeah. Like, if a lone... Too high pitched. Yeah, if a lone choir boy is singing something, I almost think 100% of the time I will enjoy it. I'll want them there. Okay, so Walking in the Air is going to be a song choice. Yeah.

Thank you very much, Ian. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I don't like moths. Moths. I don't think... I think it's one of those words, if you say it enough times, it starts to not sound like a thing.

Moths. Yes, moths. Moth. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah. I don't like... I don't know why they're covered in, like, dust. Dust, yeah.

Or icing sugar or whatever it is. Apparently, if you knock all that off, they can like, dust. Dust, yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Or icing sugar or whatever it is. Apparently if you knock all that off, they can't fly anymore. Yeah, yeah. Weird. I've had a few experiences with that. Yeah. I don't like them in my room. Even as an adult, if there's a moth in the room,

I'm not going to sleep until I've got it out or fucked it up. Any size of moth? Yeah, because, like, sometimes I because sometimes I'll have a bedside light and I'll be doing a bit of reading. All the other lights are off. Moth loves that lamp, so you'll be reading. And the moth's just going, they don't fly. They're like spasms.

Yes, they do. How do they get anywhere? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's the point? Zigzagging everywhere. Yeah. It's useless, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's the point? Zigzagging everywhere. Yeah. It's useless, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know why.

If humans walked around like moths. Like if you saw a human walking around like a moth. That'd be a nightmare. Yeah. I think it'd just get like put in a home or something. Yeah. With like padded walls because it'd be bumping into stuff. Oh no, it'd be annoying, wouldn't it?

The big ones as well look weird yeah butterflies look nice but moths look like evil the big ones they do yeah they do and they're really like their bodies are too big and they're yeah you've got like a face on them yeah is that putting you on edge a bit yeah you shouldn't have a face if you're a bug no it's true yeah you want to be faceless and killable. Yeah. Easy to kill. Yeah, the bigger the moth, the...

I mean, the easier it is, I guess, to aim at them. Mm. But I don't like if I've ever killed a spider or a moth or something because I don't like it if you kind of whack one of hearing the sort of, like... of like the noise, I'm like oh I've just ended a life it's gone through all the effort of coming to be alive

and if you do whack it like with a fly, whack it with a newspaper job done if a moth's on your wall and you whack it with a you've got a stained wall oh yeah, it does make a big mess. It's like... It's not a crayon.

It's like dust. Or a felt tip. Yes. What's that? Like charcoal. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Yeah. It's like it's just a carbon-based being.

Yeah, moths. Imagine that island overrun with moths. Oh. And you wouldn't know where they'd be going with no lights or if there's no lights they'd just be all over that hologram oh yeah

that would be grim she'd still be breezy as anything of a night time, yes escalator coming up you're not bothered about these moths don't take big bags on the escalator. I guess then at least you could, if they're all buzzing around her,

you could just with one big whack. One fell swoop, yeah, just do it. So moths are going to be your animal choice. Thank you so much for coming in here. No, you're welcome. And obviously you mentioned before you do a podcast called The Magic Sponge. Yeah. And people can find, please tell people

what that is if they don't know already. Oh, so the podcast I do or did is The Magic Sponge. There's about six series of it on iTunes, Acast, all those kind of things. This is me, comedian Rob Beckett and footballer Jimmy Bullard.

We get different footballers on and we ask them, not football questions, just like when they got drunk. There's lots of footballers talking about shitting in pillows, stealing diggers from building sites, stuff like that. So we haven't done any new ones for a while, but hopefully we will. But there's like six series for you to enjoy. That's great. And you're a comedian and you do your comedy.

Where can people find that? Where can people find it? The best thing is probably on Twitter or Facebook, at Ian Smith Comedy on Twitter, or forward slash Ian Smith Comedy. Everything, Instagram and all that kind of stuff is just Ian Smith Comedy. I have a website, but I don't update

my gigs on it a lot no but you can go on that if you want yeah and yeah I'll be doing a new show at the Edinburgh Fringe

next year great and then doing some dates of that in London and previews and all that kind of stuff so check out Ian Smith Comedy

for on Twitter for updates yeah nice alright thank you very much Ian no thanks for having me So check out Ian Smith Comedy on Twitter for updates. Yeah. Nice. Thank you very much, Ian. No, thanks for having me.