Desert Island Dicks - IGNACIO LOPEZ

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Welsh/Spanish comedian Ignacio Lopez joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone

on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and if you want to know the kind of guy I am, I just unplugged an SD card from my computer without ejecting it properly first. I did try and eject it properly first, but it wouldn't let me, and then I just ejected it anyway,

and then it said, you didn't eject it properly, and I'm like, God, what's a man to do? I'm only trying my best here, but that's how it's going with me today. Look, this is Desert Island Dicks, and our guest today is the comedian Ignacio Lopez. He's half Spanish, half Welsh. He lives in Cardiff at the moment. It's an interesting mix, and he's an interesting man, and I think you'll enjoy this episode. It was lovely chatting with him.

One of the choices he picked was someone who's annoying in queues and stands in front of you just talking for ages when you've got to get stuff done. And then we recorded I was in Superdrug and I had an experience with exactly this sort of person but annoyingly we'd already recorded tell you what if we'd recorded after this experience in Superdrug I would have had a lot more to say about that person because by god they were annoying me when I was in that queue in a hurry. Anyway, look, that's not to say we didn't have lots to say on the subject of the queuing person and more people besides that were getting on our nerves.

So drink it in and have a good listen. Before you do, I want to put out a pitch for our sister podcast, Compact Dicks, and that's where listeners, you you people get to have your say on who and what you would hate to be stuck on an island with. It's loads of fun. You can get in touch at dickspod.com slash contact. That's

dickspod.com slash contact You can also get in touch on Instagram and Twitter at dickspod just send us a DM and we might include you in the next one. We haven't done one for a little while because I'm always really bad at remembering to ask you for submissions.

So yeah, if you could send in your submissions of who and what you would hate to be stuck on an island with, it doesn't even have to be from the categories that we talk about in the podcast, can be anything, then we will include you in the next one, I hope. So that would be lovely.

And until then, have a week free of dicks. We will be back with a new episode next week. And I think we're going to put out a retro one in the week as well to give you another chance to listen to an old one that you might have missed. So that's that. Here is Desert Island Dicks with Ignacio Lopez. And I'll be back at the end for more waffling. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert

island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ignacio Lopez. How are you doing? Good man. Thanks for having me on your desert island. Thanks for coming on. Thank you for coming on. Now, you're based in Cardiff today. Yes. How's Cardiff treating you? How's your mood? Good, man. I think I'm barely over here, so it's just nice to be home, to be honest. I'm always on the road. I was in Belgium last week, then York, Glasgow, Machynlleth out west, Midwest Wales, and now home for two nights before back on the road. Two nights.

Yeah. So, I mean, doing all that traveling and getting tired and stuff, does that mean you find yourself being a bit of a ranty person or are you pretty calm in general? I think I'm quite laid back, but I'm very impatient. So I can sometimes lose my temper, but I think I'm quite internal with it. Okay. People might say otherwise. I don't know.

So I guess now, now hopefully this will give you the perfect opportunity to externalize all your anger and um hopefully it will leave you a calmer better person and not turn you into a raging madman i don't know this could be the straw that broke the camel's back man this could be the thing that drives me on my rampage let's find out i know yeah i feel i do feel bad sometimes some people afterwards go oh that was really relaxing and some people go god i'm in a really bad mood now so um i don't know but look you're stranded on a desert island for the purposes of this podcast and uh you know you're surrounded by people and things that you hate let's start with the people who's going to be the person the first person joining you on the

island uh so this is the premise is i gotta pick the people i least want to be on an island with right that's it yeah um well i grew up in mallorca so obviously there's lots to choose from mainly british tourists but i'm gonna go with uh nigel farage i think the worst of all the british tourists yeah there's more damage abroad than i think most modern day Brits have anyway. Yeah, I mean, he's someone who, I saw a clip of him the other day, and he's someone that, because he only pops in and out of things, he'll come in, do a load of damage, fuck off again for a while. And it's almost easy to forget that he exists.

And then you're like, oh God, you're still there just being horrible. So what are your feelings about him? Well, the media love to remind us, I don't know any politician who's got as much airtime for doing as little work in the history of UK politics. You know, he got voted into European Parliament, didn't do anything. Like his whole position there was just in protest of something he disagreed with,

which I can understand. You know, most institutions have issues that he disagreed with, which I can understand. Most institutions have issues that people have problems with, but you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. And he was basically running a campaign on, let's chuck that baby out of the bath at the same time. That was his whole modus operandi. So very frustrating human being, stoked up a lot of division. He's just a bitter, horrible man inside out. I couldn't imagine being on an island with him. And if he was on an island with me, we'd have no chance of escaping because he's so anti-free movement. We wouldn't even be allowed to leave the island,

you know, it'd be terrible. Yeah. I mean, I think the only fun to be had with him would be pointing out that he's now an immigrant. Yeah. that would wear thin after a while so i think he got you know he's one of the people who applied immediately for a german citizenship or a german passport or something anyway just the typical hypocrisy of uh of somebody who stokes division and and riles people up and then has an exit strategy themselves you know so it's just just an absolute worm i'd hate to be on an island with him i'm not sharing my food whatsoever it would be tricky dynamic wouldn't it because you think well while i wouldn't care that much if he suddenly was no longer around i wouldn't actively try and kill him but then you don't want to share your island with him but you know it's like do i

kill him you know i am still a decent person So like just the dynamics of it suddenly just get a lot more complicated than they need to be with him. I think what I'd have to worry about is, well, there's a few things. Firstly, that he would assume that I'm working for him in some way, shape or form on the island. Just hearing my accent. He'd just assume whatever the island was, that it was sovereign nation of the UK or something, and that I'd be an immigrant, even though he'd be an immigrant on the island as well. And the worst fear for me, if I was trapped on an island, why I wouldn't want to be is, what if he turns out to be a nice guy? I don't want that on my conscience. I'm happy just

disliking him from a distance. I don't use the word hate because it's a very strong word, because I don't know the guy. I just know that he's a hypocrite and he's done a lot of bad stuff. And here I am on an island with him. It's the worst, worst of all scenarios. Yeah. And I bet he's somewhere got like a tiny little Union Jack in his pocket somewhere so he can like put it into the sand and claim the island as his definitely he's this is a guy who on a desert island i guarantee

he would take a union jack towel you know just to lay it down if there's no deck chair just straight on the sand yeah he'd be there he'd be like yeah this is my this is the part of the uk now and he'd hear you've got a non-english accent and start talking to you really loudly even though your english is perfect he'd just like he wouldn't be able to help himself it'd just be his instant reaction we'd be arguing over fishing rights you know trying to get food it would be really stressful man i can't i can't picture it worst case scenario we somehow managed to get some booze and i have a drink with a guy and we end up having a nice chat and you know enjoying each other's companies but a lot of the time these hypocrites you know they they're happy to preach something and don't do it at home so that's the worry i'm happy just for him to be a figure of figure of disdain at

the distance i don't want him on an island with me i mean there's so many people like in his camp to choose from but there's something about like you you know, if you think of someone like Boris Johnson, who's got, you know, similarly hypocritical views and is also very damaging and, you know, sometimes a lot of people go, Oh, you know, you can imagine having a pint with him. He's just a normal bloke and all of this sort of thing. Like even his, his face doesn't annoy me quite as much as Farage. Like Farage, just his face is like,

it's just this sort of like something very frog-like about him. He's just got that weird saggy neck and there's just something so unlikable about his face. So even if you were mates, you'd have to wake up and see that. I think it's also the way he dresses. I think it's a very carefully constructed, like with a lot of these people, carefully constructed eccentricities. They're trying to look eccentric they wear you know absurd colored trousers to trying to track the fact that they don't have a personality you know they're just trying to be colorful and interesting people whereas really they they seem quite dull and bitter deep down these are the kids who they

couldn't even be friends with the bullies in school and now they've got an opportunity to somehow one-up everything it's just a sad state of affairs man don't want him on that island no get him off let's have a vote i remember having a panic attack in a taxi one night full disclosure it was quite stoned and i got into a cab and it was when like brexit had happened but you know they had like a party in parliament square oh god and the taxi driver had lbc on the news uh on the on the radio and it was all these people celebrating brexit you know whatever your political allegiance that's one thing but they were like there was nigel frage going oh i've just been on the phone to president trump and i was like fucking hell like this is reality now oh my god and i started like my breathing went all funny and i had to like stumble

out of the cab and i was like oh my god like what is this world we're living in and now it feels like i just lurched back a little bit still not you know i mean it feels slightly like one step removed a little bit but you know it's still a bit mental isn't it but well you just get to the point where you're just celebrating any minor victory you know if um if a politician who's like caused great damage to the country and stoked up a lot of hate if something minor happens to them everyone's cheering as if they've been ousted out of public office and stuff but they haven't you know it was it was quite positive to see him not winning his elections. And, you know, I remember seeing Al Murray and was it, who else ran against him? Was it the binhead guy? I don't know which one it was, but I just remember maybe Labour won in that seat or the Conservatives, I'm not sure. But

it was nice to see him not win, even though, you know, you're right, like you said, it slid so far one direction that, you know, we're not quite back to a level of tolerance, but we're slightly edging closer to a nicer society. There's a glimmer of hope there. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a very strong first choice, obviously. I think few would argue with Nigel Farage on the island. Who else is going to join him? Who's your next choice? Well, someone who's done, I think, just as much damage is Jamie Oliver. Okay. Jamie Oliver. Now, what's your thoughts about Jamie? This feels very petty because, you know, I understand he's trying to do a good thing and make people healthier and better. Obviously, he got vilified for taking turkey twizzlers away from kids or whatever it was.

But I don't know. There's something about his demeanor, even before that whole car crash of a PR incident where his business went under, I think, owing a lot of workers. He opened up a place called Jamie's Italian. I think that was the one that went under or potentially. I think most of the time, I think let people be who they are and whatever. But he just seems too chirpy, too cheerful. You know, certainly don't like seeing him on the tv uh you know cooking away there shouting things like bosh and stuff as he's chucking into the pot i'm like i'm like mate come on man he's cooking let's take this seriously

it's not uh it's not a kid's tv show i mean you you've driven the kids away you know you've uh it hasn't worked you've lost your core audience he's been a bit quiet for a while hasn't he sort of seems like he's gone to ground a bit and he's sort of taking stock of things. And I don't know when he's going to emerge. I suppose like Nigel Farage. I don't know when he's going to pop back up. I suppose if I was stuck on an island with him, you know, at least you've got the cooking skills. And you'd hope that at some point he'd just be a bit more of a normal guy when he's not in front of the camera or something.

Yeah, I think he's one of those people that on paper seems fine seems fine you know and i can see him in snippets and be like yeah that's fine but then he just does things that bug me you know you just come across people in real you know everyday life who just want like they rile you up they rub you up the wrong way and i think that's just who jamie is for me i can just picture being on an island with him and i'm just really getting on my nerves. I'd be like, Jamie, dial it back a bit, okay? I'm going to lose my temper on this island. And, you know, Nigel Farage is not going to hold me back. I don't think he'll touch me. So you're going to be in trouble.

It's weird with that whole Jamie's Italian thing. Because it's like, I remember when he did the program and he went to Italy and he was like, well, here's how they do it traditionally. I'm going to do my take on it. And obviously, you know, the Italians, they're passionate about food, but they're very sort of, no, this is how it's done here. Like we don't put parsley on this pasta.

They might do it in that town, five miles that way, but this isn't how my grandmother makes it. You know, they're very sort of like rigid in some ways. And so obviously his approach, like I'm just going to spruce it up a bit with this. And they're like, fuck off, Jamieie i'd always rather go to an italian restaurant that has some sort of vague illusion of being run by an italian person man you know it could be three generations in

all right but none of them should have the surname oliver you want some authenticity when you go to a restaurant i mean maybe his food's great i don don't know. I can't even remember trying it. I do know that from a friend of a friend who shoots food pictures for magazines, books, and stuff like that, they said of all of the TV chefs that they take pictures of and stuff for books and things, that Jamie's

one of the only ones who actually writes their own recipe. It's not ghostwritten or anything. He does the work, but at the same time, it's like if you go to a restaurant you want to see if it's an italian restaurant you want to see some italian people there if you go to a spanish restaurant you know there better be a juan rolling around in that kitchen somewhere but you know you need you need some authenticity man yeah i remember going for a curry in leicester once and one of the waiters was a white guy which is obviously like you know equal opportunities like why shouldn't you be a waiter here but I was a bit like yeah I don't know and then I said something like oh can I get some

writer and he was just like what's that and I'm like okay like if I'm explaining the fucking menu to you come on come on who let this guy in here yeah Jamie I think yeah that's it it could go either way couldn't it with him and behind it all And behind it all as well, he's a very famous, very wealthy man and probably has been treated quite preferentially for a number of years. So there's always that bit of star quality that's going to take a bit of breaking down before he just becomes normal Jamie on the island that you can actually interact with in a normal way. Yeah, for sure.

And he'd probably be be i can imagine him being quite whiny and missing is it jewels his partner as well yeah i just uh i can't picture it being a good person to hang with desert island i think as well i can imagine nigel farage trying to be all really pally with him as well and like you know great british blokes like us, Jamie, you know, nothing better than a great British ale. Shut up. Or a great, great British Italian pasta, you know, it's just, yeah, it'd be a mess. Yeah, fair enough. Okay, so we've got two of them.

Who's the third person going to be on the island? The third person is, I don't know their name, but it's a specific person I think very many people could relate to. It's that guy who's at the front of a queue, holding the entire queue up, asking completely irrelevant questions. Just holding up the whole queue. It's happened. He's everywhere. We all know this guy. I don't know his name. It's probably Nigel. It's probably another Nigel. Front of the queue, could be passport control, could be the front of a bar, asking for how local is this ale? Just asking specifics, could be a shop, a cafe, anything. There's just always some

guy who's just talking and talking and talking. It's like, mate, get served, get the fuck out of our way. All right? I'm not a patient person. We don't queue in Spain. We've got a very different system. If we go into any situation where british people would usually queue we will go in we'll say who was your last who was the last person to arrive whoever puts their hand up we're like cool we're basically after that person we're not going to stand in a line anywhere we're going to go do what we want and then when that person's been served we're next we know that's how it works. That's a good format. It's a great system.

It means you don't have to stand there getting annoyed with people getting too close to you. You know, people are, even before the pandemic, some people had some serious personal space issues. There's, you know, there's science behind it. They say that if you're standing in a queue, you should be your arm length away from the person in front well some people must have been using like an action man arm or something to measure the distance between between me sometimes it's just it's just i can't i can't handle just standing in a queue man i'm very very impatient it's not a good trait to have i know that's my issue but also that guy at the front of the queue holding it all up he's the linchpin in this whole thing man it's all falling apart because of him yeah sorry i can't get over the fact

that the Spanish system of queuing, I think is so brilliant. Because I've been to countries where there was no queuing at all, but it's also just like everyone shouting and barging in. And that's incredibly frustrating. But you've kind of got the best of both worlds.

Like I don't have to queue, but I've still got a space. Yeah. Ah, you know, we left Europe and we still have so much to learn. It's just infuriating. Yeah, that guy, you know, we left Europe and we still have so much to learn. It's just infuriating. Yeah, that guy, I mean, I think it's so symptomatic of just generally not being able to read the room at all.

You know, it's like if he's that guy in the queue, he's also just sort of walking too slowly down the pavement. He's also kind of not putting his phone away when the lights go down in the cinema. He's kind of like walking into a room loudly when some people have had bad news. It's just like all of those things, isn't it? It's the type of people who think that their time is more important than everyone else's around them. It's like we're all here trying to get something done.

And it's just completely disconnect from all of that and just be like, no, I've got some questions that need answering. And they're always irrelevant. They don't need to be asked. I was in a cafe recently. I'm waiting to go up to the counter. You have to order your food in the counter. And I ended up walking out without getting served because I was getting so frustrated with this guy asking all of these questions about the produce and where it came from and all of this kind of stuff. Not even dietary requirements, not even asking like, oh, it doesn't contain any of this. No like oh so where do you get you know your

satsumas or whatever like who cares man a shop okay in a shop like everybody else like just order your food sit down and shut up it's post-brexit britain just be glad there is fruit still available i did a show recently in london in a restaurant and there should never have been a comedy night there. I was performing to a dozen people in a room that fit a hundred. They weren't told there was going to be comedy happening. These gigs still happen, by the way, they shouldn't. Someone should say no to these, but unfortunately, you know, I need the money more than I need my dignity. So I'm there in a restaurant and a guy walks in while I'm performing, doing FaceTime on his phone, having a full conversation, comes and sits in the seat closest to where I'm standing in the middle of the restaurant, sits down and continues to have this conversation. These are the people I'm talking about.

They're in their own world. They don't realize anything else is going on around them. Very frustrating. anything else is going on around them very frustrating i can imagine if there's anyone going to get pushed off the raft if we're trying to escape this island it's going to be this guy asking too many questions yeah 100 100 and it's those sort of people like they'll hold you up for ages and then if they see you kind of getting a bit fidgety or something like oh some people are always in a hurry you don't know what i'm doing today like i've got to do this i'm going to pick my kids up from school i've got to then do blah blah blah it's doing today like I've got to do this I've got to pick my kids up from school

I've got to then do blah blah blah it's like just because you've got all the time in the world today it doesn't mean everyone does you know like yeah yeah these people are going to drive you mad and I think just anything that needs doing it's just going to be just take too long and just be drawn out or like just always asking you questions when you're just trying to get some fish and survive. Yeah, it's a very good and very annoying answer. So I think, yeah, you've got a good trio of people there who are very irritating indeed. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipsyn Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience

with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad okay food wise and this could be quite controversial um i don't know if jamie sells it serves it in his restaurants but the thing i hate the most food wise is jacket potatoes man okay i absolutely hate them um anyone who loves jackie potatoes doesn't even like Jackie potatoes. They love all of the crap you pile on top of the Jackie potato. They're like, no, man, I go to this Jackie potato place, big mound of beans, cheese, all of this sort of stuff. Or they go the other way, like chili,

whatever the topping is on the Jackie potato. That's what you're enjoying about the Jackie potato. This huge lump of carbohydrates you know in a coat like underneath this mound of actual food uh it's not good for you you know oh i slather it with butter you like butter all right we get it stick it on something that's already nice and not boring and dull like a jacky potato and despise them yeah i think i suppose it's controversial in in the fact that i think it's quite a neutral food you know like so it seems like a funny thing to get annoyed about. But I get what you mean, like, in terms of what you can do with a potato, it is, it's not really the star of the Exactly, man. It's so frustrating. And I told you already, I'm an impatient guy. I like authenticity. This has no character whatsoever. It's the Nigel for now and again you know like I'm like I think they're fine I've got no real beef against them but like when you see people eating them over and over again it's not like oh today I've got salsa today I've got chili today I've got just beans and and cheese or whatever but it's like oh yeah what's that tuna with tuna and cheese jacket yeah again yeah oh you like them

don't you yeah yeah go on then there's something quite just sad about it, you know. It's very depressing, man. It's a depressing food, I think. And it can look exciting with the colors and stuff you chuck on top. But you could eat that stuff without the potato. I'll tell you what annoys me about them the most. It's my mom keeps forgetting that I hate Jackie potatoes. So, like, every time I go visit, my mom's like, oh, you know, we're doing this and this and we're having Jackie potatoes. I'm like, I told you I don't hate Jackie potatoes. So like every time I go visit my mom's like, Oh, you know,

we're doing this and this and having Jackie potatoes. I'm like, I told you I don't like Jackie potatoes. She's like, since when? Since forever. I've never liked Jackie potatoes. So I'm forced to eat them because I'm a good son. Yeah. Like roast potatoes, chip. Like there's so many good things to do to a potato and yeah, it does take a long time and you don't get anything that interesting out of it. So yeah, if there's something just plain to eat

over and over again on an island, that's pretty good. I think on a desert island, if all we have is Jackie potatoes, I mean, even that, I'm sure that would drive Jamie Oliver nuts. If anyone's going to snap first, it's going to be this guy.

You know, it's just, it's so bland and boring. Yeah, it's the grayest of the foods i don't like it whatsoever cool okay and uh what's your uh drink choice going to be also controversial i think some people are not going to appreciate this until i explain the reason why it's cider apple cider yeah which i understand is a staple of uh of the british diet as. Like lots of people do like a cider. Me personally, I'm a beer drinker. When I was 16, I drank a three liter bottle of cider

and that was it for me. I can never drink it again. That was not a nice experience. I can't even remember who I was showing off to, but it was a mistake. I regret it wholeheartedly. Even the smell of it now. Everyone's got that one drink that they got drunk on when they were younger. Andedly even the smell of it now everyone's got that one drink

that they got drunk on when they were younger and uh I can't even smell it now without being thrown back in time to that uh that moment yeah like I think it's so many people's gateway drink isn't it cider it's like our country's sort of starter beer and I had a similar thing I remember still one of the drunkest I've ever been was like 14 you know I went to my friend's house and he was from quite a tough area and um Turbo White is called and we had a bottle each and like you just had to sit in the park because we're too young to get into any of the pubs and you just neck the whole thing and like I just remember having all these gaps in my memories and I went back like a month later with some other friends.

And they were like, you almost got beat up. Do you remember what you said to him? And I was like, no, just awful things. And then trying to be really well behaved that next night. And my friends were going, oh, I'm going to have the whole bottle. And I was like, don't do it. And then exactly the same thing happened to them. It is a rite of passage, I think.

But for me, that wrote it off. I feel like I downloaded that three-liter bottle of, I can't remember if it was White Lightning or Strongbow. It was one of the two. And I know people would say like, mate, that's not proper cider. That's not good stuff. And yeah, I get that.

But I can't even enjoy the good stuff now because that's just thrown it for me completely. That sweet apple taste is just gone. But then, you know, you talk enjoy the good stuff now because that's just thrown it for me completely. That sweet apple taste is just gone. But then, you know, you talk about the good stuff. So at one end, you've got like diamond white and it's like fizzy and like horrendous. And on the other side, there's like, you know, you go somewhere like Bristol and there's like, you go to a cider bar and it's like 7% and it's flat and it's like quite dry you know sort of like sticks your lips your teeth it's like oh this is sharp and again it like gets you so pissed and like i think there are nice ciders but they're sort of hidden quite well amongst like a sea of shit

like whether it's like the artisanal posh stuff from the west country or like the crap you get in the corner shop i think like many things people it's got that level of you've got that crowd who are pretentious as well still like no it's not proper cider unless you know it's still got bits of dirt from the apples that we picked stole from a tree from like the vicar's orchard or something like it's not um like that scrumpy is that what it's called that's a type of cider right they call it no you're right man it's uh there's probably a couple of nice ones in there somewhere but i'm not willing to delve through the the horrors yeah to get there and then you get this sort of like strongbow dark fruits and it's like it feels like you've melted a load of ice lollies

and put some ice in there and then and some extra sugar and then just giving it and it's like this isn't this just admit you don't really like the taste of alcohol with the with the strongbow dark fruit i think it's um i think they saw people in pubs around the country ordering cider and black and they just thought oh we have to capitalize on this and i think they destroyed the cordial movement you know i think i think they've got i think strong was got a you know they should they should have there's a lawsuit on their hands somewhere from a cordial company i remember strongbow did like an ad campaign and it was like three men lying on the beach until they were just so dried out that they'd crawl to the bar and neck a Strongbow.

And the other one was someone seeing how many crackers they could eat before then downing a pint. And it's like, this isn't saying it's refreshing. This is just like in those situations, you would drink literally anything because your mouth is so dry. Is that all you've got it's wet it makes sense that uh you know the one drink available on that desert island is going to be strongbow from a strongbow stall because that's their target audience is people who are so desperate for any form of liquid that's going to refresh them now i couldn't deal with it man that's going to be i'm gonna i'm gonna dehydrate to death that's what's gonna them. No, I couldn't deal with it, man. That's going to be, I'm going to dehydrate to death. That's what's going to happen.

It's a good choice. It's a good choice. Okay. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. what are they and why so film is uh which potentially could have a bunch of songs in it as well that i would hate to listen to so it's kind of a double whammy uh is mamma mia um the the original the first one i know there was a sequel as well the reason it holds a particularly uncomfortable place in my life is because i worked in a cinema when it came out and uh yeah and i'll

tell you what man you know people think kids are messy there is nothing messier than a group of you know 50 plus women just singing their hearts out flinging popcorn sneaking prosecco into the screen and going wild to Mamma Mia. It was like a war zone. It's like you're cleaning up after a war zone. There's people there missing limbs. It's just terrifying. And singing the songs as they're walking out, the credits are playing.

This is before they even did the sing-along version, which was a thing that hit the screens a few months later just to torture everyone working in that cinema a bit longer so it was uh that that film has a very i still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about it sometimes it's it's quite an odd thing isn't it because you've got abba and then you've got this plot of a film and we're gonna smash them together yeah why is this why is this happening there's nothing to tie it to there's nothing related to ABBA like the Swedish pop group but what is it it's set on a Greek island it's an American and British cast I don't get it man my the manager of the cinema I worked in as well is like the biggest ABBA fan of all time so he went all out in promoting it and you know just it just is a behemoth of a film abba so popular the thing is

i'm not i'm not a huge abba fan but i don't dislike them and like musically incredibly well-written songs very talented like the ultimate pop group really and then even if you are an abba fan why would you want to hear other people doing covers of ABBA songs strung together with a bad plot, you know? Yeah, I find the more I like an artist, the less I want to hear a cover version. You know what I mean? Because I'm a big David Bowie fan and people go, oh, listen to this cover. I'm like, I don't want to because it would just annoy me. It's like hearing someone in the office singing along to something that I like.

It's like, I don't want to hear that. I want the one I like. Exactly. Yeah, good choice. What would your song choice be then uh the Macarena oh god yes I've I hate it for a number of reasons one obviously because uh I'm Spanish I grew up in Spain and you know it's it's the perennial kids party song it's the you know the song the tourists listen to is the kids clubs always play them abroad when I was in uh you know the song the tourists listen to is the kids clubs always play them abroad when i was in uh you know my dad was running hotels and bars and stuff and even when

you come to the uk you know it's it's still played that sort of weddings and everything it always comes on everyone knows this stupid dance move which isn't really a dance is it it's just an excuse to get everyone involved which i appreciate but if it wasn't such a rubbish annoying song and even now i've got i live opposite the school. I don't know if you've heard them at any point, because it's just kids screaming perpetually. It's a nightmare. But they play like they blast out music. It's often like modern pop songs. I'm like, come on, kids don't like this music. Sometimes they'll whip out Rick Astley or something. I feel like I'm gettingickrolled in my own flat

but the other day they played the macarena and i'm like looking out i'm like none of these kids know what the song they don't even know they're done why are they playing this song i don't know how it's made its way into the rotation that's bizarre of an entire society yeah and did it exist in spain before it came here or was it because yeah it was well a long time ago so it's by a band called los rios i think and um it was a song like ago. So it's by a band called Los Rios, I think. And it was a song, like just a guitar song. And then obviously they did a remix of it and it became very popular with a woman singing over it as well. So it did hit the charts and stuff worldwide. It was a phenomenon, but it's so annoying. It's the equivalent of like, I'm trying to think of a British equivalent equivalent it feels like a timmy mallet song or something i mean i think it's like that for a lot of us as well it's just i mean it's the sort of thing you go to like some auntie's 70th birthday in a church hall and it's one of those djs that speaks a bit in between and it's like okay everyone on the dance floor for this you know the moves and it's like oh and you get some old relative going, come on, Dan. No, there is no fucking way on God's earth I'm dancing to this fucking tune.

But it's fucking terrible. And I don't know why people persist with it. Because it must be like 30 years old now. It's getting on, yeah. I think the original came out in the 60s or something, a long time ago. And it's made its way through. It keeps finding its way out somehow of the vault. It keeps

getting locked in and thrown away, the key. Like a curse. I think we can't close Pandora's box, can we? It's been opened. But like, the worst thing is, if it ever comes on, I perform on cruise ships and stuff as well. Sometimes it'll make its way onto a playlist there. And I call the other guest entertainers or whatever.

They'll always, whoever I'm out with if margarina plays like my british friends and stuff they'll always like look to me as if to say ah ah spanish song right you you guys love this right like no like it's got no no connection to it anyway no no reverence for it it's just uh it's just a rubbish pop song that would drive me nuts within i I think, three plays on the desert island. Yeah, it's not like, because I understand the lyrics, it means so much more to me. Most of the song is in English. You know, it's only the chorus, really, that's in Spanish, I think. But it's just a terrible, terrible song.

It is a really bad song. It's the same. My son somehow just found, like like he keeps digging up songs on youtube that i think have died they're from my youth like things like the macarena but like new versions with like animated like stuff on to get kids into them so there was like he found crazy frog which i just thought was like we'd never have to deal with again he got into that and then last week he started listening to this version of um scatman john you know do you remember that yeah yeah and like that's very much the same ballpark same sort of era as well like and i was like i thought i'd never have to hear this song again suddenly you want to put it

on your playlist that we listen to in the car that's got some quite good tunes on it now we've got to add fucking scatman john on there and yeah it's like one step away from the macarena it's a good choice to go mad to on the island okay now finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why so i was thinking long and hard about this because i hate mosquitoes with a passion so that was going to be my choice uh but i think there's a more because at least mosquitoes tend to only bug you at night, you can hear them coming I've got a very well tuned ear for mosquitoes, especially growing up

high temperature climate where it's quite a risk and they carry so much disease and stuff, there's lots of things you can do to deal with mosquitoes, the ones I think that would be the worst if they've overrun a place is seagulls they are the biggest pricks of the animal kingdom, I can't even, I hate them worst if they've overrun a place, is seagulls. They are the biggest pricks of the animal kingdom.

Yes. I can't even, I hate them. That's, you know, I don't use that word lightly. I hate seagulls. All right. They terrify everyone, kids. They come in, they steal food. They're like the Vikings of the bird world.

You know, they come in, they just do what they like, bully other smaller animals. It's just a horrible thing to witness. Also, they'd be at home on a desert island you know what i mean like this this is like their terrain i think they'd be even more annoying than usual oh yeah and they're so big as well like they're massive and they're so aggressive like you know because it's not like oh this bird ate out of my hand it's like that bird beat me up and mugged me that bird took a finger you know as it snatched my

chips yeah yeah or my jacky potato unfortunately because i used to live in brighton so obviously it's like their spiritual home you know and you'd get off the train and be like oh the seagulls that sounds nice and by the sea and after you've lived there for a while it's like you loud screeching bastards they never sleep like they never sleep 24 hours a day they're around. And they're just infuriating. Everyone's got a story about being mugged for something by a seagull. My friend once was so skint, he had his last five pounds in the bank, took it out of the cash machine, went to buy a pasty.

It was walking along and it was a bit hot. So while he was waiting for it to cool down, he was walking along. Seagull snatched the entire thing from his hand and sat on a lamppost just tossing it around to try and cool it down. And he's like just literally shaking his fists in the air at this thing. But, yeah, like I know so many people have been attacked by them or dive bombed by them. They're just awful.

They're monsters, man. And what's strange is they're getting more and more inland. It used to be just the coastal towns that had to deal with them. I don't know what's happened, why. Maybe the pandemic played a part in it as well. People not going out to these places anymore. Tourism decimated. So they flocked inland.

So I remember seeing one in Merthyr Tydfil, which is a very landlocked part of Wales in the middle of the valley. It's just spreading. It's getting too far. I feel like I'm going to be the Nigel Farage of the seagull world. We don't want them in. We want to take back control of our beaches. They're coming here, stealing our chips.

But it's completely justified in my place. I'm not being hypocritical. I'm not applying for citizenship in the seagull world or anything. I'm saying they are a menace and we have to watch out for them. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like once we've fucked up the world and humans are all gone, it's just going to be urban foxes and seagulls battling for world domination. That's all it's going to be.

Or maybe before we've wiped ourselves out the way things are going, it would just be those two groups and us kind of, like who knew it was these two things that would bring us together. Well, look, I think that would be an incredibly annoying thing to have on a desert island with you. And it, you know, really neatly rounds off

a great selection from you today. So well done. And I'm sorry, you're going to have to spend the rest of your life there. But- Oh no. We might get rescued i might get let's just say that you'll get rescued one day or let's draw people's attention away from it and and let's talk about some of the stuff you're doing in the real world um you've got some tour dates i think later in the year is that right yeah hopefully i think they'll let me off the desert island just in time, October, November, to travel around the UK, doing Wales, Scotland, England, all over the place with my show,

Nine Egg Fails, which is all about the worst gigs I've ever done in my life and the craziest stuff I've done for money. Just, it's a solid show, tour show, packed with jokes, not much anger. It's quite a relaxed show. This has been quite cathartic. I've enjoyed it. If people just want a silly hour and 20 minutes of stand-up with a support act come see me on tour and tickets are all on comedy lopez.com cool and we can see your stuff online as

well so we can all look at your stuff as well before then brilliant well ignacio thank you so much again for coming on desert island dicks today it's been a pleasure i swear thanks a lot dan appreciate it cheers coming on Desert Island Dicks today. It's been a pleasure. I swear. Thanks a lot, Dan. Appreciate it. Cheers. So there you go. That was Desert Island Dicks for you there. Another one off the press. That doesn't make sense because it's not something that's printed. But anyway, look, another one out there in the world and God knows the world needs another podcast. So you're welcome. Thank you to all of you who have listened and downloaded this

podcast. We really appreciate it. If you could find the time to give us a rating and a review on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts, that would be lovely. We do appreciate it. If not, if you can spread the word in any other ways, like on Twitter or Instagram, or just telling your mates, that would be lovely too. And thank you to those of you who have done already. We love you. Desert Island Dicks was a Sink Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon. It was presented and produced by me, Dan Benedictus. It was expertly edited by Chris Attaway. Thank you, Chris. And as always, we just get ongoing support in the background from the wonderful John Deacon.

Not the one from Queen. He doesn't give us any help at all. But the other John Deacon is wonderful. That's it. We'll be back soon with more episodes. So, bye.