Desert Island Dicks - ISY SUTTIE

Episode Date: October 24, 2021

We're back from our long break and to kick off this new series, the wonderful Isy Suttie joined Dan to discuss the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with, and they had a lovely time doi...ng it too. And you know what? We think you'll have a lovely time listening too. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:37 Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello and welcome back to Desert Island Dicks. We know it's been a really long break, but there's been all kinds of things going on behind the scenes and some of probably the most stressful months of my life. but things have calmed down again now and I'm really really happy to say that we've got some great things in store for you. This episode features Izzy Sooty and was really fun to record. She's really nice and also really
Starting point is 00:01:16 funny and those two things for me make a great guest so I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did. We've got loads of other great guests ahead of us, and I'm excited to tell you that we've also got a couple of live shows booked in on the 1st and 2nd of December at 21 Soho in central London. Joining us on the 2nd is Stephen K. Amos, who will be brilliant and will tell you all about the guests for the 1st as soon as we can. But for now, you can get tickets from the link in the description of this episode and it's also on our social media pages as well speaking of social media if you'd
Starting point is 00:01:51 like to get involved in our companion podcast compact dicks then you can just tell us about the people and things you hate at dicks pod on twitter and instagram and we could feature yours in the next episode since we've had a bit of a break, it's even more helpful if you can subscribe to this podcast and leave us a nice review and tell your mates about us so we can spread the good gospel according to dicks. Right, I'm going to be back with some more little bits at the end, but you've been starved of dicks for long enough,
Starting point is 00:02:20 so let's get stuck into Desert Island Dicks with Izzy Sooty. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian actor and writer of new novel jane is trying izzy city how are you doing i'm all right i'm all right yes thank you for that intro so izzy, you join us on what is kind of, I suppose, a blustery day. It's a good day for sort of sitting indoors ranting about things we hate, I suppose. Yeah, it's really weird. It's like sunny for five minutes and then immediately pouring with rain and really windy, isn't it? Yeah, it's quite like when I went to Cornwall. This is exactly the whole weather.
Starting point is 00:03:24 In my head, this is exactly what cornish weather is like all the time yeah it's great beach weather isn't it it's just what you want sand blowing in your face along with leaves and then just i mean despite the sort of weather putting us in maybe like an appropriate mood did you find it easy to compile your list of of dicks for today i found it easy to do the food drink song and film an animal especially the animal um but i found it harder to do the dicks and i think that's because i i absolutely hate the idea of upsetting anyone so i thought a few people including my mum i hate to say and even by mentioning that I'm sort of potentially upsetting her so I'm hoping she won't listen to this but not because she's a dick but just because it would be
Starting point is 00:04:10 really hard to be stuck on a desert island with her I think yeah and she'd probably think the same of me but I thought I can't actually choose her so yeah I I found it hard to but what I've done is I've taken the qualities that annoy me about people and um i'm able to talk about them without upsetting anyone but in your head you can know who it is and get the satisfaction yeah okay um okay well let's find out more about your the people you've picked then who's going to be the first dick joining you on the island okay so the first dick joining me on the island is anyone who gets married before 7 p.m okay i feel like that's most people isn't it yeah yeah so having said that i don't want to offend anyone i actually have probably offended 80 of the population but i so we're not married
Starting point is 00:05:02 um we're engaged but we have been for about 10 years I'm sure at some point we will get married um so I think seven o'clock maybe it's a bit harsh but I was thinking the other day not when I was at a wedding but when I was going past a wedding venue that I'd been at years earlier I was like even the best weddings that I've been to I would never have been unhappy if they'd been a little bit shorter you know like when you go and see a stand-up show and you're like I would have been really happy if that had been 55 minutes and it was an hour and 10 they could have taken quarter of an hour off and I never go home for a wedding I'm like I'm really pleased that I had that extra sambuca. And I also think there's always a lull, isn't there, between the marriage and then that sort of one to two hours
Starting point is 00:05:54 where everyone goes, hi, I'm Jane. Hi, I'm Keith. And you sort of have Prosecco and you're starving. Yeah, I was going to say, you're always so hungry. It's like Christmas Day and weddings are the days you eat the latest but are also drinking at the same time. That's so true. And then the time that you need the most energy,
Starting point is 00:06:14 because there's loads of socialising and kind of introducing yourself to people. Yeah, I think that lull. So what I'd do is I'd say, get married at 7 o'clock, make it quick, sort of done by maybe 7.20, no lull so what I do is I'd say get married at seven o'clock make it quick sort of done by maybe 7 20 no lull so no yeah what happens in the lull photos isn't it are you married yeah I am married okay so it's the lull is the photos isn't it you've seen it from the other side well yeah I mean I've been to a lot of weddings as well but I think yeah that is generally the lull isn't it the the worst it depends a lot on how many people you know there as well like if you don't know people like big lull you know if it's like a mate from work and you've been you know you're quite close to them but you don't really know
Starting point is 00:06:57 you're on huge gaping lull but um yeah I think there's like there is wedding admin I think we got around it by just being really disorganized. So it felt like there wasn't a lull, but maybe that was because, yeah, I was in the thick of it. Yeah, I think sometimes I imagine if it's your wedding day, there's so much to do and there's so many people to see that you probably wouldn't have your own lull, but you should have thought about the lull
Starting point is 00:07:20 from other people's point of view. It's so hard. I know it's really stressful, but yeah, I think to lose the lull, other people's quick you know it's so hard i know it's really stressful but yeah i think to lose the lull you just have to i think it's maybe signing the register no signing the register takes place in the ceremony i think it's photos that's a lull in within the ceremony that's the lull yeah so lose that lull sign it afterwards no one wants to see it yeah just nip off quickly and do it absolutely do it at like 11 or midnight when everyone's drunk right yeah okay so lose the signing of the registers in the ceremony that makes it shorter
Starting point is 00:07:51 no lull within the ceremony one reading no one needs more than one reading okay yeah then no lull afterwards eat immediately if people got married at seven that would happen so as people are walking out they don't get a glass of prosecco they are led straight to their tables yeah and they can just be one sat there for them yes exactly and then you don't have to sit with people you don't know do you think that's going a bit too far what was it like doing the table plan did you get that's the hardest part of the wedding yeah i think well that and well actually we did it the night before because we weren't very organized the hardest bit is working out who to invite and then the table plan
Starting point is 00:08:29 is sort of like doing that again a little bit we forgot a couple of people left it off we had like guests going sorry i can't find myself on the table and we're like oh we told a friend to write it down they must not have had the right list or something we're like fucking hell because i think we did it about midnight the night before oh that is so some auntie was just like i seem to be put anywhere i've checked um yeah so i had a run of going to weddings and getting stuck like you know you go to a friend's wedding oh this is great i love like so many good people here i can't wait and then i'd end up on a table with like uncles and aunties and like friends of family and I said why does this keep happening to me and then someone kindly suggested that it might be because
Starting point is 00:09:10 like I'm okay with small talk so it makes you know safe pair of hands with an auntie whoever but that's shit because I don't care if they have an awkward time I want to be sat with my friends getting drunk and having a nice time yeah and I definitely did that with other people there was friends of mine I was like you've picked the short straw but you're a really safe pair of hands with like the older people I know it's like it's a strength that's actually going to go against you isn't it yeah you want to be like anti-social bad at talking to parents you want to be monosyllabic to anyone except your close friends don't you um yeah it's it's tricky like i definitely have that feeling where you sit down you're like you who am i on the table with whom on the table with
Starting point is 00:09:50 and then it's like you've got a mate but right across a really round table but neither side of you people you don't know and i i have had brilliant conversations with strangers at weddings but i think often when it's a long meal it's like you get that feeling when you first sit down you're like what am I gonna I can't think of anything to say and we've maybe got two two and a half hours if speeches are long so I did go to one wedding where there was no table plan it was like a buffet and you just sat wherever you wanted and there weren't even tables it was just kind of like cushions and stuff um and that was good. I suppose, why do people want people to sit with people they don't know? I suppose it's so that you can feel like everyone's come together to a mixed...
Starting point is 00:10:35 Yeah, I quite like it when you sort of have new friends at a wedding. And you have a real laugh. You're like, oh, you're my wedding fun. Yeah, and you can dance with them later, can't you? And have loads of fun. Yeah, where you get a little in joke and they're like someone oh do you know uncle tim's like do i oh this guy huh legend but yeah i don't know i just get i had it once where i got sat at a table and everyone i think it's me and my wife and then everyone else was at least 75 maybe older
Starting point is 00:11:06 except for another couple who were delayed in traffic so didn't get there till like three hours later so then there was on my other side there was this big gap where the nice fun young people should have been and then so I sort of still had to kind of make conversation with the oxygenarian who was hard of hearing and like two feet away as well oh man that was hard work i was just like i think by the end i was just sort of like pining just yearningly looking across the table you know like they're kind of if you love them go to them yeah it can feel like that i um i remember being at one wedding years ago and um the conversation was like had completely dried up like and we were only on the first course and i was like shit right i'm gonna i'm gonna dig deep so i was like what's
Starting point is 00:11:50 everyone's favorite pudding let's go around the table so people started off they were like eating mess chocolate cake then it got to this guy um halfway around the table and he was like mint chocolate chip ice cream licked off my naked girlfriend's body and then the whole table just went silent um yeah that was that was great um i went to another wedding actually where people left to go to a party which is yeah and i heard them discussing it and it wasn't even like i can't really think of a party that you'd leave a wedding to go to but anyway it was literally just like oh so and so's having a housewarming they were like should we go and i heard them discussing they didn't think anyone could hear then they were like and we've got to go we've had an emergency and we felt so it was a really small wedding so we hid where they'd been
Starting point is 00:12:38 with like we put loads of flowers like on the seats and the bride and groom didn't notice but i was like who goes to a friggin party like yeah um but you see all this would be solved if you got married after seven don't you think you're right because i think often i i mean i love weddings and i kind of do like the whole day but yeah like you're right all of the awkwardness comes from there just not being enough pace and just to just whiz through it and if it was at seven you know that probably you know then you wouldn't be eating for as long the dancing's going to come quicker speeches would be quicker yeah yeah no I think this is a good a
Starting point is 00:13:14 good tactic so okay and also maybe I mean this is including a lot of people but I guess if you include all people who have weddings before seven that includes the really drawn out long ones where they've been thinking about it since they were four and there's like all these details that no one cares about and yeah readings from people who can't read very well and yeah okay that's good all right people who have weddings before 7 p.m join you that means i can never get married before 7 p.m now yeah you're kind of stuck or Or I guess, but then you could have, I suppose you can have a nice time with very close family
Starting point is 00:13:47 and then just have a massive evening party. Yes. Everyone's invited to the evening do. Yes. Maybe I can help be your wedding planner,
Starting point is 00:13:54 use my years of experience. No, hang on, if you do your table plan the night before, I don't think you're going to be a very good wedding planner. Just leave it all,
Starting point is 00:14:03 it'll be fine. Don't choose flowers flowers we'll pick them in the morning no maybe a consultant i'm good i'm good at going to weddings yeah in that i'm a human and i turn up okay who's gonna be the next person or next dick joining you okay so the next dick who is joining me and this is based on a specific person but i'm hoping they won't know who it is is um anyone who takes a selfie more than once oh yeah now it was going to be anyone who takes a selfie because i don't really take selfies um but i thought that that would be probably 98 of the population who have phones so i was like okay that's that's harsh getting married before 7 p.m is not um but i think it okay that's that's harsh getting married before 7
Starting point is 00:14:45 p.m is not um but i think it's a behavior that we've all learned but maybe could do with sort of shelving again you know like because it's normalized doesn't mean it's good for us as a species yeah i think that's it it's like i find something deeply disturbing about the selfie and i've often thought about what it could be and i think so in the 80s if you had like an album of holiday snaps and there was a selfie in inverted commas you would have turned the camera around and hoped that it was pointing in the right direction or you might have got someone else to take a picture of you um and it would look like a selfie but there was a kind of innocence to them because you couldn't know what you look like you couldn't put any filters on it you just had to go
Starting point is 00:15:30 to boots and get it developed and stuff and i i am guilty as anyone of going on social media too much but i i just feel like people who take selfies more than once i'm like just don't worry just don't worry if you want to put a selfie online that's fine but just do it and then do something else don't spend i don't know maybe hours i don't know like getting it right or putting effects on it i'm just like it's it's so it so just doesn't mean anything and I think it isn't very good for you to I mean it's you know obviously it's not very good I don't think to present this kind of idealized version of yourself but also I just don't think it's very good at you for you to look at your own face for that long and like zoom in on them be like oh that freckles got bigger since I was six
Starting point is 00:16:22 and yeah I just uh I've because I've seen people on the train when I used to commute into work and like they're going through about 12 pictures of themselves and trying to choose which one to post and you're like they're all the same they're all the same fucking picture like I know I shouldn't be looking at your phone over your shoulder but maybe it will just help you if I just say they're all the fucking same no one cares just put it up and there's not even any context to it it's not like oh this is me holding this cute dog or like just help you if i just say they're all the fucking same no one cares just put it up and there's not even any context to it it's not like oh this is me holding this cute dog or like here i am in front of a nice thing it's it's just you nothing else just don't bother you know i think
Starting point is 00:16:56 a lot of things and i sort of do it to myself a lot like i kind of get halfway through posting something like what should i write and i'm like no one gives a fuck about any of this i'll delete it and that generally i think could be applied to i think all of us could do with a bit of that yeah and i know what you mean like what i find really sinister i suppose about i'm not on facebook but twitter is that when you tweet it's presented as a spontaneous thought but there's something about saving it in drafts that feels really it's presented as a spontaneous thought but there's something about saving it in drafts that feels really it's just like a business thing you're like oh yes i'll go and look at that draft later and be like oh just taking a walk and seeing some yellow leaves wow it's like you know two o'clock in the morning you're like shall i say yellow leaves or leaves
Starting point is 00:17:39 that were yellow as you say no one gives a shit and also it's like ticker tape it just disappears now i know that there are people who use social media for different things and i also know there are people who are chronically ill and who are housebound and who have lots of different needs who use it and i'm not talking about those people actually they can take as many selfies as they want i'm talking about people who just will, I don't know, stand outside Buckingham Palace and take a hundred shots and just be looking at their own face and not at the amazing architecture behind them
Starting point is 00:18:13 and kind of going, yeah, do I, you're essentially saying, do I look fit? I think, aren't you? Isn't that, so I just don't think that's very good for people. Like I think any psychiatrist would probably go, I think they should probably just be walking around and like having a conversation or looking at nature I've realized that I think the worst selfies I've noticed people do there's a type that like there's obviously like a type of person who kind of thinks I like posting pictures of myself
Starting point is 00:18:40 looking really fit online yeah but in the summer that's easier because I'm wearing fewer clothes yes and I look better but in the winter there's not as many opportunities and I've noticed people kind of going oh really missing this weather I wish I could be back here so you can see me in the thong on the beach and it's like look we're all miserable it's cold like you can look hot in a scarf come on like obviously the pictures of you in a bathing suit are better but it's so sort of like crowbarred in you're like oh wishing I was back in Dubai I know you're so right there it's like there are some stand-ups who don't update their set ever so they've got stuff that's 20 years old so they'll have like
Starting point is 00:19:21 a bit about I don't know um say die hard um and uh they have to find a way of getting into it because it's so old so they'll sort of be like oh um my kid was watching die hard the other day and i re-watched it and here's my die hard material and i sort of feel the same it's like kind of like just thinking about summer and remembered this bathing suit. Or I hate like throwback to like, basically you want people to say you look hot. Okay. So yeah, that's,
Starting point is 00:19:51 that's what it is, isn't it? So it's just many, many different ways of asking people to tell you look hot. Because if an attractive person says, I'm feeling insecure. Can you tell me I look good in this bikini? Like that's fine.
Starting point is 00:20:02 And in a way that's better for me because it's less creepy than if I say looking great because I'm married and I've got kids and I shouldn't be doing that you know if they if a friend of mine was like do you think I look good in this you know in this outfit like yeah you look hot that's great you know then that's okay and then they get the self-realization I totally agree I think if you were just like I'm not having a great day and I'd love people to tell me that i look nice like i actually think that's fine although you should still just put up the one selfie it's um something that i don't know i'm really interested to see what happens over the next 10 or 20 years whether it gets worse or whether people kind of move away from it and yeah i wonder if they should have like on your phone because i think part of the
Starting point is 00:20:43 thing is like when we had cameras with filming you, it's like you're not going to take eight selfies with it because it's like a waste. And you've only got 24 or 36. So maybe they should limit. You should have like a daily or there could be an app that limits your daily count. So you're like, OK, well, these selfies didn't turn out right, but I better save some photos. So I've got something for, I don't know, whatever I'm going to eat later that I'll have to take a picture of. Yeah exactly oh god that's another thing isn't it people who take photos of food. I feel like that's a type of selfie that's a sort of a. Absolutely it is although I have to say I think it's probably one notch better than the selfie
Starting point is 00:21:20 because at least I don't know unless it's like oh look at this tiny salad i don't know but if it's like wow look at this meal or look at this meal i've made i sort of think at least that involves like creativity and arrangement of the food and stuff yeah okay well i think that's fair and on a desert island setting as well like having someone that's sitting there snapping away yeah can you imagine it would be like having one person from love island yeah like it would just be no um but yeah i think i think it's definitely something that needs to be controlled and i think yeah like until we have an app on our phone that can limit the number of selfies you can take i think um i'm with you they're annoying get on the island with you i
Starting point is 00:22:03 don't think it can be an app because i think you'd have to choose to download it i think the government would have to impose um a selfie limit which doesn't sound orwellian and weird at all but you know sometimes if you're doing banking these days online and it sort of says like you're setting up a new person to pay and it says you know could this be a scam have you checked yes so maybe like before you take there's something like that happens. It pops up and it's like, do you need to take this photo? Is this photo funny or interesting? No. Maybe go back.
Starting point is 00:22:32 That's great. Or the phone could have inbuilt technology. So if it isn't funny or interesting enough, it just won't work. Again, not Orwellian or weird at all. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's move on from that now now who's going to be the final dick joining you on the island so the final dick because i don't care about upsetting myself is me uh when i was younger so specifically about 14 right okay good why were you such a dick well i so the first thing i used to do and i it feels harsh to say is dickish behavior, but it was certainly twatish behavior is that I would basically because I was the youngest in my year.
Starting point is 00:23:10 I shall blame my parents for when I was conceived. I basically used to do anything that anyone told me to do because I was always like trying to kind of catch up. So like they dare me to do stuff and I would just do it so I jumped off a bridge um in the middle of the park when I was like 13 or 14 um into running water and it was raining and the water looked deep enough to just swim to the side because it wasn't really a deep river and the bridge was pretty high it was probably about 15 feet high so I jumped through the air all my friends ran away apart from one girl called Erin Condren and I'm so pleased she stayed and um I landed I had bright red hair and it was like all in front of my eyes and I was like my eyes are bleeding my eyes are
Starting point is 00:23:57 bleeding I've gone blind and I was like oh no it's my hair and then I but because the water was actually much shallower than it looked from the top my left foot landed at right angles to the ankle and i broke it so i couldn't walk home and had to be wheeled home on my then boyfriend's skateboard and then there was a lot of hoo-ha about how did this happen i said that someone pushed me in the duck pond then he found out and threatened to beat up my boyfriend so i was like wove this web of lies basically about how it happened and then in the end just had to be like someone told me to jump off a bridge and i did and everyone was like why and i was like i don't know so um i don't want anyone like that on the island yeah fair enough yeah because i think as a parent like your natural response would be like what your friends told
Starting point is 00:24:44 you to do it and if your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you? Oh, no, you did. Yeah. You did. Damn it. I can't even use the classic. I know. I literally did the, what's it called?
Starting point is 00:24:56 A proverb, I suppose. I carried out the proverb. You could have found me with a rolling stone trying to gather moss the week afterwards. Like, yeah, it's so weird. It was like literally did the thing that is used to illustrate the fact that you shouldn't do the thing. And it took ages for. So I was on crutches for six weeks and there were loads of things like I'd never been on crutches. I never have since actually.
Starting point is 00:25:20 Stuff like I went to McDonald's in Derby and because of the crutches, I couldn't reach my tray. Like because you have your arms through the crutches. And I distinct of the crutches, I couldn't reach my tray. Like, because you have your arms through the crutches and I distinctly remember being like, I can't reach my tray. And the woman had to push it towards me. Like, I remember all these things. Like, yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:33 Also getting really into Wimbledon because I didn't, I couldn't do anything. I just lay on the sofa and watched Wimbledon. But I was like, I'm going to be a tennis champion. I don't want to be an actress anymore.
Starting point is 00:25:44 But it was just because I fancied Agassi yeah being on an island with any 14 year old would be difficult oh yeah for sure my teenage years are so bad because like sometimes you'd have a all right conversation but then sometimes they'd also be a child again and like you're just you'd just be wincing at yourself and you'd be like just let it go it's going to be okay you won't care about this in a while. But you just got to watch yourself doing it and sort of going, hey, do you want me to jump off that big thing over there? I'll climb up the palm tree. Don't, even though that would be quite useful right now.
Starting point is 00:26:15 Yeah, you're so right. Because 14 is like, in some ways you are quite independent, aren't you? But you have also got that streak of not being aware of danger, I think. And sort of bitch suddenly being Mardy. Like I would be I was so kind of like, oh, the world like nothing is real. Like I wrote loads of songs. They were all just like so angsty, like about boys that would never go out with me. And like stuff like the children of tomorrow, like just doesn't mean anything.
Starting point is 00:26:44 So like if i was on the island i just but with my guitar it would be even worse like just playing songs that only contain the chords d g and a um again and again um maybe a bit of e minor if people were lucky but yeah i was definitely like i think also 14 year olds are often quite inward looking aren't they yeah such a like I mean no wonder teenagers are just such a pain in the ass because it's like you're so just in the middle of so much worry all the time like never being comfortable like even when you're with your friends you don't know if you trust any of them or like you know you're like oh he's my best friend but we've fallen out because
Starting point is 00:27:21 he's a real dick at the minute must be like it's like being on a reality show or something yeah you're so right and now at the risk of sounding really old now they've all got phones as well which i didn't and maybe you didn't when you were in school depending on how old you are like that adds a whole nother layer of reality show doesn't it because you can literally be like i just snapchatted him and he didn't like i can't imagine how much harder it is to be 14 now like i'm thinking of sending my boys away to some kind of like shaolin monastery or something because it's a bit like boarding school but it's free and there'll be buddhists so they won't resent me as much afterwards because they'll be you know just sort of zen maybe i think that's the plan buddhists are good dudes
Starting point is 00:28:01 yeah i think that's a good yeah um yeah no I think I would have quite liked that when I was 14 like I definitely I was always trying to get like I was like I live in a small town I'm so bored like I used to write loads of poems about like breaking free and stuff um and kind of fantasize about like getting out and I moved out actually when I was 17 to my best friend's house and um then just moved back like two months later when I realized that I couldn't cook and stuff but yeah I think teenagers generally on the island would probably be difficult but I think I was I was also always trying to do whatever I could to kind of be rebellious within the boundaries that were set for me for example like my parents were quite strict about me like going to parties and stuff but um me and my friend
Starting point is 00:28:51 decided to stay up for as many nights as we could without the aid of anything except coffee this is when we were 14 I smoked then so we just got really really drunk at this kind of um local conservative club type thing on a housing estate then went back to her house and we're like let's stay awake all night this is the first night we drank loads of instant coffee and smoked all night and managed to do a whole night and i started to feel really sick and then like i went home and mom and dad were like what's the matter and i was like i've been up all night and they were like, what's the matter? And I was like, I've been up all night. And they were like, drugs, drugs. I was like, no, actually just Nescafe.
Starting point is 00:29:28 And then the idea was we were going to do it for three nights, like an experiment. And then I just like started crying at 9am and went to bed. I just think it's so fucking hard being around teenagers. Yeah. And that's the thing I think about when my boys are like that age and just sort of going, I know this is what, but you can't even say that because you don't understand even you know like that's the classic isn't it so like you'll be there on the island with your 14 year
Starting point is 00:29:54 old self being like izzy it's okay like i know what you're thinking so you don't know me i am you doesn't matter okay yeah it's just gonna be like a horrible angsty wormhole you're so right like the 14 year old wouldn't believe that i was the older version of her and it just never turned out like you definitely definitely yeah it would be like that definitely like i also think it must be really hard to be a teenager it's really easy to forget isn't it like as you say you've got so many worries going around when you look back on being a teenager, I think you think, I don't know about you, but when I do, I'm like,
Starting point is 00:30:28 oh, I was with my mates all the time. I had a really nice boyfriend as well for a lot of my teenage years who was like a little bit older, but so nice. Like, I remember it being like a real laugh, but actually it wasn't like that at the time. It was like me going,
Starting point is 00:30:41 oh, my black eyeliner's too thick today. And, you know, mum told me I couldn't go to this gig Ned's atomic dustbin and and those things are actually really real just because now they seem superficial they really weren't at the time were they no definitely definitely yeah oh man yeah I'm so glad I don't have to do that again or yeah have to watch my kids. Well, yeah, exactly. We've had kids, so. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.
Starting point is 00:31:14 Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAdads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, well, I think a fine set of choices to start you off on the island. So yeah, it's already a very uncomfortable environment for you. So fair enough and well chosen. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world.
Starting point is 00:31:49 What are they and why are they so bad? The food is shredded wheat and the drink is tequila. Good choices. Imagine pouring tequila onto shredded wheat as if it was milk. So the reason I hate shredded wheat, I just hate the texture of it. I think it tastes like hay. I don't like the way it's formed into a kind of weird nest. I don't know what glues it together.
Starting point is 00:32:12 I like the cakes that are like, you know, when people put chocolate on it. Oh, yeah, like it's like a little nest. Yeah, with mini eggs in it. Mini eggs, yeah. I will eat those. Oh, that's, yeah, I mean, that's okay. That's all right. Yeah, I mean, that's essentially chocolate. I mean, I'd eat chocolate oh that's yeah but I mean that's okay yeah I mean that's essentially chocolate I mean I'd eat
Starting point is 00:32:26 chocolate on most things so I think we have to disregard the cake and just say if we're looking at shredded wheat on its own no and I think also you can't sweet like with say like Weetabix or Cornflakes if you find it a bit
Starting point is 00:32:42 bland you can put sugar on it or honey I feel like with shredded wheat the texture of it like if you find it a bit bland you can put sugar on it or honey i feel like with shredded wheat the texture of it like if you put sugar or honey on it it would just go into all the cracks and kind of sink to the bottom of the bowl because they sort of like they've kind of realized you know you get the sort of mini cereals that are like they've got like a raisin inside and miniature shredded wheat or like some fruit inside or something like i can't think what they call a raisin bran or something but they're quite they're all right because they're small they've got a little surprise inside but when it's just like a bigger version i mean it's so like it's like brillo pads for breakfast it's like an
Starting point is 00:33:18 abrasive scourer it is and i don't even really like the little ones, which I suppose are like a breakfast ravioli, aren't they? But I don't like, I mean, I think if you're going to put one raisin, which I think you're right, I think they all contain one raisin, into those mini shredded wheats, put loads of raisins inside a big shredded wheat because that would make it more interesting. It'd be an incentive to get to the middle. Yeah, yeah. because that would make it more interesting. It'd be an incentive to get to the middle. Maybe you could put something different in each one. And like every thousandth one could have a 50 pound note or something.
Starting point is 00:33:51 I'm just thinking of a way of making it more appetizing. But do you know what the other thing, now I'm imagining eating it. The other thing that's really unsatisfactory about shredded wheat is, if you take a spoonful of it, especially with a teaspoon and my dad used to always use a teaspoon to eat cereal i think because when he was a student he
Starting point is 00:34:10 probably didn't have much money and he was like it'll make it last longer and he just never got out of the habit um so if you take a spoonful of shredded wheat it just it doesn't come away in a in a good way there's always like a jagged. So you sort of have to eat it quite clumsily. It's like eating a bit of a cliff edge or something. I just think they're one of those things, like rich tea biscuits, where it's like, it's 2021. We've got other opportunities now.
Starting point is 00:34:42 We've seen past these, you know, you've got chocolate hubnobs. You've got chocolate hubno we've seen we've seen past these you know you've got chocolate hub knobs you've got chocolate hub knobs with caramel in them why does a rich tea biscuit you know think of all the cereals we've got we've got honey you know crunchy nut cornflakes crunchy nut and cornflakes clusters or granola or something you know and you can buy that in a bar to eat on the bus if you you know why who's still buying this like why are these you know what the fuck is going on it's like vianetta or something i know that people have nostalgia for vianetta but like my friends coming around on saturday night to watch married at first sight and we were like
Starting point is 00:35:14 let's get some really like sort of half shit snacks and she was like yeah vianetta wagon wheels and at first i was like yeah vianetta then i thought i don't know because i feel like i'll take the first bite then i'll be like a bit like the shredded wheat thing i'll be like why are they still making this and who's buying it like i think if you're gonna have a pudding like viennetta you could have like arctic roll or chocolate swiss roll or something or i think viennetta is sort of a bit yesteryear but then a bit of me does still really like the taste so i wonder if i'm being too harsh on it by putting it in the same. I think the thing with a Viennetta is it's like it was presented like a dessert rather than an ice cream.
Starting point is 00:35:50 Yes. But like in the advert, they had like a nice cake slice, didn't they? And it was like, was it one slice is never enough? Was that a Viennetta? I think it was. Yeah, well done. I think it was. You know, it was like, oh, a Viennetta.
Starting point is 00:35:59 It was like, you know, it had a little plastic tray. It came on, you know, and it would just stay out on the table and you'd slice it up like a cake. It wasn't just like a scoop of ice cream. But it's not in either camp, really, is it? It's like straddling. Yeah, it's trying to be two things, maybe. It needs to work out what it is. You see, the thing is, shredded wheat, I think, is probably one of the healthier cereals.
Starting point is 00:36:20 But even if you were trying to be healthy, there are so many options like bran flakes muesli with narded sugar i don't understand why you would i think what it is is it looks like it shouldn't be eaten it looks like something from an art gallery or like a thing from nature like a thing you'd find in the forest from the country it's like a thatched roof or like a wasp you could imagine people being like oh this is a special type of what wasps nest don't touch it don't prod it with a stick don't pour milk they hate that that's literally the worst thing you could do yeah yeah i think i think earlier i was thinking that getting older for me feels like just letting
Starting point is 00:37:07 go of more and more foods that i used to be able to eat with no consequence you know and i like food and i like cooking so you know often it's like finding a nice new alternative or going well actually i like you know if i do it in this way it's all right but like yeah like i'm not gonna eat fucking freddo eat i'll have porridge or like toast or something yeah i know my toast can be brown sure porridge can be nice but it doesn't have to be that yeah you're right it it doesn't you kind of do you mean like because i was looking at super noodles yesterday in sainsbury's and thinking god i used to eat so many super noodles i love super noodles yeah you see so i still really love super noodles i probably wouldn't want them every night like i used to have a packet of super noodles with
Starting point is 00:37:50 half a tin of tuna and a block of cheese like every night i don't think i'd do that now but like i don't know i feel like i've got a kind of weakness for super noodles because they just taste so nice and when i used to work i used to work in the odd bins head office with this guy called alex harcourt smith he was so brilliant. And every day he'd be like, I'll make us lunch today, is he? And he would somehow make this sort of gourmet meal out of like super noodles, but not using the flavor sachet. Like, and he'd just bring in soy sauce, super noodles, and like, I don't know, something like like some protein but something sort of from a tin and maybe some frozen peas that he put in the microwave with the super noodles and it would
Starting point is 00:38:31 taste absolutely amazing yeah so i like to poach an egg in them oh yeah that's that's good that makes it feel more acceptable yeah yeah i just it's just because the other day i had this recollection that you know how we can all remember where we were when we found out about 9-11 and I was I think I was 19 and I remember like going home I just got back from my gap year because I'm middle class and I was at my mum's house and I'd made my lunch and I sat down in front of the telly and turned it on like holy shit 9-11 or just today as we called it at the time but like what I was having was super noodles on toast and that's like because I used to think well you have beans
Starting point is 00:39:12 on toast I'll just have super news and so that makes it a real that you know ballast you know and but now when I look back and I was like that was my meal when I found out about 9-11 like where were you and jfk was shot like i was eating pop tarts wow i'm quite interested in how you did this then did you have butter on the toast and how did you eat it because i presume that they would like did you eat it with a knife and four yeah it would have been like beans on toast i think do you think you would have had butter on the toast or just whack the super noodles on i think i would have gone butter yeah yeah i think it's important yeah yeah okay well i think we've thoroughly like um hammered the nails into the coffin of shredded wheat and then tequila you're gonna wash it down with tequila yeah um so i have a thing against tequila like basically around the
Starting point is 00:40:00 um 14 year old era i drank half a bottle of tequila in slammers in about half an hour with my friend um and i also ate the tequila worm as well i know and i basically because it was because we drunk it so quickly in about half an hour i was like nothing's happened I don't feel drunk and then it was like oh my god I'm so drunk and I went downstairs my parents were out it was new year's eve and um we had a mantelpiece in the dining room with quite a hard floor and I like a bear in a cave swept my hand along the whole mantelpiece and knocked everything onto the floor including like ornaments they got given at their wedding and stuff glasses frame picture frames smashed and i was just like uh um and i had a rabbit who lived in the shed and our bikes were in the shed
Starting point is 00:40:59 as well mine and my sisters so me and my mate went into the shed and we were going up the hill to a party i lived in a really hilly area we were like let's ride the bikes up to this party so we started trying to ride these bikes that were completely covered in hay it's weird it's like that there's a real hay theme today in the super needles anyway um yeah the shed was a bit of a mess because of the rabbits so the bikes were actually covered in like hay and we were like trying to ride these bikes up the hill and my mom and dad were walking down the hill at the same time they were like oh my god is he when i was like they were like you can't ride a bike you're too drunk how does this happen i was like i don't know but i've just run my hand
Starting point is 00:41:33 along the mantelpiece and everything's broken bye and then just went into this party um yeah it was it was a really bleak night and i still remember how sick i felt and i still remember sorry if this is too gross and you can lose it but i i basically went to the toilet into the toilet at this party and threw up all night and then just was just falling asleep under the toilet waking up and like throwing up again and someone wrapped me in damp towels and I felt like I was in like train spike or something basically I was like this is not good yeah it's like it's it's a terrible one to come back up as well it's like it's so acidic and strong and fiery it's like I like being sick is never pleasant but some drinks are worse than others and tequila is so hard to come back from like I can't I think I had a night with it at uni not even an eventful night I just drank
Starting point is 00:42:32 too much tequila there's no good story but like you know that was being 19 and I used to love it I used to like I used to be able to sip it if I was a cool guy oh wow tequila you know like that was my thing and I'd been to Mexico on my gap year and I was, I can drink tequila, guys. Fucking hell. I mean, it's probably good that I was sick of it. Stopping me from being such an unbearable wanker. Because it stopped you from being like, have you got aged 40-year-old tequila? You know?
Starting point is 00:42:59 But I mean, now if it's like disguised, you know, if it's in a margarita or something, like that's okay. If it's not too strong, I can't get a smell. Every now and again on my birthday, someone goes, here you go, dad. And I'm like, I'm really sorry. I'll buy you a drink. But I just take this away from me. And I've tried a couple of times. Like, come on, you've got to be all right now.
Starting point is 00:43:18 And there's no way. Yeah, me too. So I've tried a couple of times since then. Because as you say, it's one of those drinks that people buy isn't it without if you're going to do shots i'm glad that sambuca feels like it's kind of taken over in the tequila steaks um for me in recent years i quite like sambuca um but like tequila that thing of something someone coming towards you with a tray of tequila and um some lemons and and a jar of salt and you're just like oh god and i have tried it a couple of times with the salt and the lemon which obviously when we did it in my bedroom in the slammers we didn't have any salt
Starting point is 00:43:55 lemons we were just literally slamming it and drinking it um i was like maybe if i drink it in the proper way with the salt and lemon and each time i've only done it a couple of times i've just been like no i'm done me and tequila are done but also like licking salt isn't nice then drinking tequila isn't nice and like the sweet relief of biting on a sour lemon like what the fuck is going on like this that's not nice why is that the good bit it's like i do love the idea though that when you were sitting there sipping it you were doing the salt and the lemon with every sip
Starting point is 00:44:31 so it just looked like what is that guy doing constantly got a line of salt on his hand really high blood pressure yeah oh man there is a bit of envy because i like i wish i could still knock
Starting point is 00:44:48 it back and be you know because it is a cool drink it sounds cool tequila i don't know something about it's a good word tequila it's cool it sounds like very alive doesn't it it kind of says party but yeah for me sambuca does the same fair enough well yeah sambuca isn't joining you sadly but tequila is so um there you go okay now is he fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why my least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite film is Wolf Creek
Starting point is 00:45:27 and my least favourite song is This Is Me from The Greatest Showman. And I think that's what it's called. I think you'll probably know which one I mean. It's the one where they keep saying this is me. It feels like. And I've got into trouble with a friend of mine who's, my friend Kerry,
Starting point is 00:45:44 was actually genuinely quite cross with me when me and Tom Kerridge were laying into how much we disliked musicals so she'll have to not listen to this bit I listened to this song and it feels like it's like an absolute painted by numbers playbook of a musical song it's sort of like I'm different but you can't defeat me because I'm special and it's just like maybe I don't know anything about musicals so maybe I'm wrong but it just felt like I'm sure I've heard this song a million times have you watched the film no my daughter's six and she's just sort of getting into greatest showman I think one of the reasons I don't like this song
Starting point is 00:46:19 is literally because I've heard it so many times already and I think there are some songs that you can hear hundreds of times and you won't ever get annoyed by them but I think the vast majority if you hear it enough you're just like please please just don't don't let me hear it again um I don't know the storyline and maybe if I knew the storyline I'd be like this is so moving this is brilliant because you're invested in the characters but coming at it from outside like i took my daughter to see matilda the musical on stage on sunday and the music is amazing and one of the songs just made me cry it was like someone pressed a button and tears were just flowing down my cheeks and i really actually like musicals so carrie if you're listening i'm not against them at all but i think I feel the same as you.
Starting point is 00:47:05 I feel like this song, it doesn't have much kind of light and shade to it. It just feels a bit like, this is me. Maybe it's a bit like a pop song and I don't really like pop. It could just be that the style isn't right for me. I think that was my kind of excuse because I think, yeah, I don't really like pop music that much. So, and it is, yeah, these days musicals are like pop music, aren't they? So it's like and it just feels like I'm listening to Christina Aguilera, Beautiful. You know, it's that same like. Yes, it is. It's like everyone's different, guys.
Starting point is 00:47:37 But yeah. Yeah. You're so right. You know, it's like a film that you can look at yourself in the mirror when you're crying and come on, pick yourself up. Go out there and get them. And maybe I'm just too cynical for that. No, I think you're right. It feels like maybe are we just too old for it? Is that why kids like it? They should have that attitude if you're a kid.
Starting point is 00:47:57 It's perfect. Go get them. The world is yours. Be different. Celebrate your difference. Because now it's like, yeah, I'm different. I'm fine with that. And actually it turns out i'm not that different as well you know i thought i was different than i found a forum of loads of people who were different in exactly
Starting point is 00:48:14 the same way as me yeah you're so right like i think that's it i think we've hit the nail on the head i think if 14 year old me who is not allowed on the island heard this and it didn't exist when i was 14 she would go yeah yeah yeah this is you know this these are my people i'm a misfit and so it could be that just that it's too young for us and we're old and cynical but that's fine i'm really happy with that but i think i think being stuck with that sort of song on a desert island like being in a hopeless situation with a song about hope would just be really annoying because it's like oh just fuck off like you know maybe one day you're like you hear it in a different light and you're like no wait we are gonna make this happen you're gonna try and make a raft or something and it just goes wrong and then
Starting point is 00:48:59 it comes on again the next day oh fuck off yeah there'd be one occasion where it would be quite good and it because there's this bit where it kind of goes you gotta be bold you gotta be brave you gotta be free i think that's right so i can imagine if you were making a raft and you were all working together and all singing it that might be quite good but as you say when the rough kind of gets ripped apart by wild animals on the island you're like great we're back to square one and that comes on you're like no yeah someone starts humming it again you're like time's passed just reminds me of the yeah okay and uh what did you think you said uh wolf creek yeah so i've picked wolf creek and uh which is a horrible horror film um about so i watched it um quite a few years ago
Starting point is 00:49:49 with my friend joel um who i was living with and we were like let's watch a film we're both in and we were like we don't know what this is about but let's watch it and it's about basically as far as i remember these hitchhikers who get caught by a psychopath and tortured and killed. I think they don't all die, but that's kind of irrelevant because it's so harrowing to watch. And I don't know why we carried on watching it because after about half an hour, I was just like, this is so horrible. It's just grim. And also I remember thinking, there's no plot. It felt like they'd just gone, let's do all these horrible special effects and let's make life really horrible for these people with absolutely no redemption. And the characters are required to be brave at certain times by trying to escape,
Starting point is 00:50:35 but that comes to nothing. It doesn't follow the normal tracks of a storyline. There's no satisfaction in terms of the plot it's just relentlessly horrible and it's kind of put me off those types of films with horror films i just think there's like a bit where everyone's sitting around in writer's room going like well should they how would they kill them should i kill them in this horrible way or like maybe if they cut their eyes out first but then use like a sort of a needle you're like that conversation must be so weird to look on like where's you know if it's like a really sad film it's like oh what if then like it turns out that her mum's got cancer and then and then she's estranged from her you go okay well
Starting point is 00:51:16 like sort of you know you're trying to be mean but in a fun like an interesting way no sure and also if there's some redemption or the protagonist is tested and then changes and finds peace i can sort of see but you're right like if you're having those really technical conversations i just can't imagine being in the writer's room being like yeah we need three gallons of fake blood because we're doing this but unless it was like but then after that she's going to do this and this and this and i think probably that is the case with a lot of horror films. But this one, and I think there must be more like this, where it's essentially like sort of watching like a snuff film. Like it's just horrible.
Starting point is 00:51:58 I think I need a plot. And I do quite like horror as a genre, to be honest. I don't watch that many horror films, but like I've watched really scary ones like The Ring and stuff like that. And I think they're my favourite ones. I think there's one called The Labyrinth. I like ones that are kind of psych horror, I suppose, or folk horror, a bit like The Wicker Man I love, and not perhaps ones that are just so violent.
Starting point is 00:52:23 When I watch a trailer even for new ones, it's like, this just looks like, you say like a snuff film, and it's like, I don't know how the people can make it and sort of still be okay, normal people. Yeah, I know what you mean. I wonder if it's like, you know, like if you're making a really harrowing drama,
Starting point is 00:52:41 like I watched Tyrannosaur recently, which I don't know if you've seen it, but it's like an amazingly acted film about like really hard hitting stuff. And it's just so well written and done and lots of really emotional scenes. And I was sort of thinking, I wonder if between takes, they're just like, what should we have for lunch and chatting to the crew and stuff? Or if, I think everyone's different aren't they and some people kind of remain in character but it'll be interesting to be on set a kind of a proper horror film and see if between shots they're like that they're kind
Starting point is 00:53:15 of going yeah you know the petrol crisis is blooming at the moment i'm supposed to pick my kid up from football and then you know in the next bit like as you say kind of gouging someone's eyes out yeah or just a really Monday like having a sandwich but just still like cloaked in loads of blood and stuff and like yeah yeah I just I think I didn't have a stomach for it before no just the older I get the worse you know like my watch list on Netflix is like I think they describe as like late night comedies just like really easy stuff when not much happens and i'm like oh there we go i'm tired this is nice and also it has to be half an hour doesn't it i think when you've got young kids like the idea of watching something that's an hour is still for us like we're like we'll divide it into two halves do you have that thing where because your kids watch
Starting point is 00:54:02 um cartoons it's like i remember watching the end of, I think it was Time, next and it just started playing a cartoon. I think it might have been Bing because my kids have watched so many cartoons. It's just messed up the algorithm so much. It was like such a jarring thing. We were still reeling from like the last scene, which is really emotional. And then it was like the beginning of being like, come on, flop. I was like, no, no, no. Because I sometimes think if we watch like quite a serious thing,
Starting point is 00:54:45 we have to watch something like for pudding. This is kind of in the old days. Yeah, definitely. But you know what I mean? Like a half-half like Curb maybe or The American Office or something that's just great and really joyful. And it was like Bing was trying to be the pudding. I was like, no, I do not want this pudding.
Starting point is 00:55:04 Not now, Bing. you should be in bed okay yeah well wolf creek is a is a good choice yeah i just all of these things they're more and more a mystery to me so being stuck with that i think after a while on island you'd be like oh god let's just watch it i just need something to watch and then you go oh no no no no yeah yeah put greatest showman back on yeah exactly that would be your pudding wouldn't it that would have to be oh god that would have to be pudding shredded wheat while you were watching wolf creek and then tequila while you were watching greatest showman well listening to oh jesus okay well i'm going to distract you
Starting point is 00:55:42 slightly from it because finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why it's moths because they're the biggest dicks of any animal alive so we used to live in elephant and castle we got i don't know how it happened but probably one moth in the flat or maybe there was one in there already and um we have never ever got rid of them so that was like when we first got together which was 11 years ago and when we moved house they just came with us and um i've got a real weakness for knitwear it's like i love knitwear and i'm a knitter as well and i really love knitting with proper wool but i've just had i cannot buy anything made out of real wool anymore
Starting point is 00:56:25 apart from really thick wool they don't seem to like um that really thick wool but cashmere it's just i just don't do anymore oh man i yeah i i'm so with you because we moved house two months ago we had moths in our old flat and we turned up and i was like there's a moth in the carpet how does that oh right carpet moths are a thing and then I bought all this stuff this spray to and I'm sure it said it was okay with pets but you have to sort of keep them out the way for a while we've got a cat and then it said yeah but you know for it to work properly you really need to just keep it on for like just try and not hoover for like two weeks I'm like well I can't keep my cat out of the house for two
Starting point is 00:57:03 weeks so I guess we've got moths then like there's nothing you know and then i sort of occasionally see them and i'll be like going around like the good thing is like they're small and they stay still and you can kill them very easily but then like now my son's kind of like there's a moth kill it and i'm like it is good that he's doing my work for me but i also feel bad that i sort of taught him this because if it's anything else like ants and stuff i was like oh don't just squash an ant for no reason yeah you don't want him to be like in the habit of pointing at any insect and be like kill it yeah but also they leave a fucking mark as well i know they leave like properly they leave a mustard smear don't they on i know i don't like killing them and i try not to i try and kind of catch them like you would
Starting point is 00:57:46 with a spider and put them outside but it's like when i see one i'm it's like a reminder of the fact that i'll never be free of them it's like they're mocking me and when and i think the worst is when you get out like a really nice item of clothing that you don't wear very much that and you're like no and like it's got't wear very much that and you're like no and like it's got the holes in the back and you're like oh man you know i'm gonna have to throw it away or yeah i had a thing where like when i first got them there's a few jumpers that you know sometimes you don't notice and you realize you're in a light colored t-shirt underneath and you've just put it on in the morning you get to work whatever you're like oh fuck and like people
Starting point is 00:58:23 just thought i've been smoking loads of hash and it's hot rocks and it was like and i was like no it's moths and it sounds like yeah moth rock and it sounds like such a crap excuse it's like because it's a bit like a cartoon thing you know when you're skint and you open your wallet and moths come out it feels like no one has moth holes what's going on what are you like an old lady or something but they're real and it happens and it happens to me and it it's the worst thing is they really like nice wool i wish they didn't you know but yeah absolutely it's kind of it makes you feel a bit grim it's a good excuse if you have got hot rock holes to just say that you've got moths um but yeah i agree like i think they i feel like they have no function apart from to make my life a misery like with spiders i don't like spiders at all i'm quite scared of them
Starting point is 00:59:11 uh but i understand that they have a function and a purpose and that they're not bad i feel like moths are evil yeah and i just because also as horrible as when sometimes something's just eaten it's like one or two holes sometimes something that's been like at the back of the cupboard for ages maybe you find it when you moved house and you're like this is decimated and then you've got to think like how many have I been living with for how long like what was going on back there like that's just creepy yes and they're stupid because the whole thing is aim for the light which they're never going to get like what's like you've got no game plan it's like eat a load of jumpers fly into a light bulb because you want to get to the moon which you
Starting point is 00:59:58 can never reach it's just i know it's i know it's quite sweet that they want to get to the moon isn't it that's like a fairy tale that they're just eating jumpers and flying into a light. It feels like something's gone wrong, like they shouldn't be inside. They should be eating shredded wheat that's outside in nature or something and then actually flying to the moon. It feels like something somewhere has gone wrong with moths. They're not living their best life. Even if you're on a desert island and you've basically got no clothes left, like just seeing the little fuckers milling around is going to be annoying.
Starting point is 01:00:36 Even if they don't want to eat the clothes that you're wearing, they're still going to remind you of just... At least if it was butterflies, it feels like butterflies are going to look down on moths as like they're kind of like less evolved like oh you're not hanging out with those people are you you know like they're like the grunts in society just like what jumpers okay yeah do you want to go bang your head against the light bulb and like you know the butterflies are sucking out nectar from a beautiful orchid just oh for god's sake that's so true and i think even those big moths
Starting point is 01:01:05 you know um my friend's very scared of moths actually she couldn't watch the mothman prophecies remember then when that came out and um she's as scared of moths as some people are of spiders interestingly but i remember when i lived with her i used to have to get rid of a lot of big moths um and they can be very beautiful actually they can be like butterflies i don't think they eat clothes i think the moths that we're talking about are those tiny mustard color ones that i i don't think the big moths i think they're more evolved and they're like yeah i'm not eating that jumper i'm gonna go and hang out on a bathroom window yeah i think it's a good choice and i think you know what looking back over they've been
Starting point is 01:01:47 very fine choices throughout so i applaud you for putting together such a wretched uh selection of people and things for your island so uh bravo bravo thank you um now is he uh what are you up to at the minute that people should know about obviously you've just got a book out yeah i've just got a book out it's called jane is trying um which is a novel about a woman called jane who is engaged to someone lives in london has left her hometown in derbyshire and then she finds out that he's been cheating on her so her kind of overprotective parents like bring her back home and it's about her kind of from that point onwards how she survives um yeah so that's out now that came out in july and um i've also started gigging again and i'm doing
Starting point is 01:02:33 lots of new material nights uh so i will tweet about them basically i've fallen back in love with stand-up having had a little break from it i started in 2002 and i just needed a break and then happened to have a break of covid as well apart from weird zoom gigs um so it's really nice to be actually in front of an audience again amazing brilliant well um thank you for coming on desert island dicks today it's been a pleasure thank you i've loved it That was Desert Island Dicks featuring Izzy City and a big thanks to her once again for joining me and to you for listening. Desert Island Dicks is a Sync Clap production created by James Deacon,
Starting point is 01:03:26 produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. Our editor is Chris Attaway. Social media support comes from Jason Leitch and a man called Chintzy Clinton, and a special mention to our official statistician, GrandMamsterFlash, and John Deacon for additional contributions. We'll be back next week with another guest and a midweek Compact Dicks as well. And in the meantime, don't forget to subscribe and rate this podcast wherever and whenever you can. Thank you.

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