Desert Island Dicks - JAACKMAATE’S HAPPY HOUR

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

That's right! This is the new home of JaackMaate's Happy Hour. Subscribe here to receive all future episodes direct to your phone... Only messing! Ahead of their 'The Round Sheep' live tour JaackMaate, Stevie and Robbie join Dan to share who and what they'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features Jack, Stevie and Robbie from Jackmate's Happy Hour podcast they were really fun to chat to made me laugh a lot so hopefully it'll make you laugh a lot as well

they're about to go on tour which we discuss at the end so if you enjoy it or if you like their podcast then yeah go and check them out because I'm sure it'll be very fun as well if you like this podcast and you want to get involved

then we always want submissions for our sister podcast, which is called Compact Dicks. And that's where you have the chance to submit the people and things that you hate and would hate to be stuck on an island with. So if you want to get in touch with those, then hopefully we can read them out in this week's episode. Just go to dickspod.com slash contact

and tell us all the people and things you'd hate to be stuck with on an island it can be any of the items or all of the categories it's up to you really thank you to everyone who's downloaded this and is listening um obviously it always makes a big difference for us if you could subscribe and leave us a rating or a review as well we particularly enjoy that so if you could do that that would be wonderful we've been recording loads of episodes recently we're not going to do this podcast in series anymore so we're just going to keep pumping the world full of dicks and they're just going to keep coming and coming and coming and i hope you will be there to receive them okay i don't know really where this is going but look let's just get on with it, shall we? Here's Jack, Stevie and Robbie from Jackmate's Happy Hour podcast here on Desert Island Dicks.

Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guests. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today are hosts of the Jackmates Happy Hour podcast, Jack Dean, Robbie Knox and Stevie White. How are you doing, guys?

Hello, Dan. We're good, mate. We're very good, thanks. Thanks for joining us today, because I know you're busy, guys, and you're about to kick off a big tour. So, yeah, it's a pleasure to have you here. Yeah, we're sort of... It's a pleasure to be here. We're quite nervous just in general at the moment. What about this? Or the tour?

About the people you're going to call dicks. Oh, no, no, no no i've had a career of that so so i'm very equipped in that but the the tour yeah we're pretty we're pretty we're nervous because we've got a lot of sort of career behind us yeah this guy's got nothing to lose fair enough i get nervous when we do a single live show so i can empathize and i mean how are you feeling today uh jack you were saying that you're in quite a good mood because of the the colder weather are you all sort of ready to vent or are you feeling quite upbeat and and calm today i'm always ready to vent mate i'm always

i'm always match ready always on the toes sort of high knees on the sideline get me on gaffer let me start slagging people off that's what i do best but yeah i i love the cold being a being a ginger anytime there's a little bit of heat i sort of blister up into hideous sort of pus bubbles so um i didn't think i'd get pus bubbles in the podcast this early but here we are over the video i can't see any and that's that's good for me just for my state of mind that works as well well it's winter i'm I'm sort of clear. But come about late March, early April, there'll be pus bubbles.

Go in. Stevie will nibble them off, though. Well, for now, your complexions, all of you, are looking great. So let's get stuck in. So we're going to do a dick each, are we, for this? Because obviously there's three of you. It's Thursday. It's that kind of podcast, guys. Who wants to go first?

Stevie, I think you've got a very, very strong contender. Yeah, I'll jump in. It's one I'm a bit more nervous about now that I've told a couple of people. I want to go for the 1975 lead singer, Mattie Healy. Okay, right, right. Now, I'm a 40- a 40 year old man so I've got opinions on the 1975 but what are your thoughts so mine is

not really anything to do with the music it's not for me I do think a lot of it is repetitive but it's more him as a person

that I can't I just don't understand how anyone looks up to this guy as a god and that's what he thinks he is. And he's openly called himself the messiah in interviews before. Now he hasn't.

He has. He said he doesn't feel like the messiah, like he's going to save the world, but he does feel like a messiah to all of his fans. Just a part-time messiah. Isn't that the kind of stuff that Kanye's been, I know Kanye's been saying a lot of stuff. I'm not going to put him on that level I won't say he's that bad but yeah

there's been a lot of questionable interviews with Matty Healy and recently I don't know if you've seen he's been doing a lot of strange things at gigs like pulling girls up onto stage and making out with them rock and roll and all that fine but there was one where he checked the girl's ID first

fair make sure she is of age are you advocating for not checking the ID no here's the issue I and all that, fine, but there was one where he checked the girl's ID first. Fair. Make sure she is of age. Are you advocating for not checking the ID? No, here's the issue I have with even checking the ID. If you're checking the ID, she clearly looks around the region of 18. It's already a problem, isn't it? He's 33. Yeah.

Right, right. He's a 33-year-old. If you're checking the ID, she's already too young. Pick girls from the crowd that you don't have to check their ID. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Like a granny. He's 33. Why are they called the 1975?

I don't have a clue. Probably something to do with his mum. I think it's one of those things, like, I never like to ask, you know, like if someone's got a tattoo with a date on it, like, there's going to be some boring story behind it. It's like, oh, well, this is the year that this, I don't care. I don't care care you're called the 1975 matty that's all right you crack on mate okay

it's never a happy thing for tattoos is it it's never something great it's when our dog died if we're talking about embarrassing tattoos, I think I'm very much the pioneer of that because I've got some ridiculous... I've got a number here that says 23879629 and people think that's my subscriber count. It's like, what? That would change regularly, wouldn't it? Yeah, desperately treading water

making sure your tattoo stays correct all the time we've got too many say something bad to get rid of some of them Mattie Healy told me to get it did he

yeah no it's my grandad's army number oh you kept that secret for so long that's the first time I've heard that

that's an exclusive so absolutely nobody will care about it it does look a bit like the kind of thing that we used to get in concentration camps I've had that a lot yeah I've had that a bit like the kind of thing that we used to get in concentration camps. I've had that a lot.

Yeah. I've had that a lot. Yeah. And it's not that. Good. It's not that. Okay. But yeah, Matty Healy, didn't he spit in people's mouths as well?

Was that a thing? I don't know. But there's a lot. He went on, he had an interview on Amelia de Moldenberg's chicken shop date. Yeah. And towards the end of that, because it's a whole like a fake date thing, he asked her for a kiss at the end and got pretty weird when she said no. might be a character but if it is a character you're still a knob yeah i mean in terms of rock and roll characters going for like a slightly creepy guy is like you

know who kind of does really want to kiss you even if you're not that into it like i will check an id but that's you know i'm still going to keep pressing on with this it's just it's not a great it's not a great look um yeah there is something creepy about this sort of because i'm sure you know if you were that fan in the crowd and he pulled you i mean it's like you know the the fan's dream come true i reckon in a lot of cases but it's still a bit weird unless like you know he's planted people in the audience to pick out in which case then the id thing is really just too much detail and you know and if you are planting people in there then that's not rock and roll that's i mean that's that's like musical theater but then but then if you were on this desert island matty healy's there he's a man of many talents, right? Name one. Singing? Name one.

His mum's talented. Oh, his mum's on Loose Women. Yeah, well, she's got, she'll bring in, well, she's not on the island, is she? That's the issue. No, he's not bringing his mum. Right. He can't, well, it's not within the- Unless she's yours. She's not mine. She's not mine. No. But, but, what about, you might get a little bit bored

on the island, right? Have a little kiss every now and then. In that case, I want him there anyway. mine, no. But what about, you might get a little bit bored on the island, right? Have a little kiss every now and then. In that case, I want him there anyway. Yeah, yeah. I should say as a counterpoint, I've met, interviewed Matty Healy once and he was perfectly nice. Oh.

I mean, it was only for five minutes, so he might have then been a dick afterwards, but it was fine at the time. Did he try and kiss you? No. This was early on, this was like first album time. Oh yeah, he'd learned after that that he could. He got that Messiah complex growing after that first album.

Because he did the thing in Dubai as well. All kissing with him. Kissed a man in Dubai against the laws over there and then bragged about that. Isn't that a good thing to fight against? I don't think we should argue that he's fighting homophobia, Stingy. No, but it's just a lot of kissing going on with random people. Yeah, I mean, I'm OK with a kissing man to wind up homophobes in Dubai, but, I mean, it would sort of be OK

if he didn't have a track record of just kissing everyone first. It makes it less special. That is just to be clear, Stevie's view. More recently, he's been sucking thumbs as well. You know when people put their hands up in the crowd being like, oh I want to touch you. He just starts putting their fingers and thumbs in his mouth as well. He's experimental. That's what the 1975 are all about. He once complained in an article that he was being sexualised by his audience.

Well, he's going around sucking thumbs. For someone who you think is a dick you know a lot about Matt Healy I research for the podcast yeah and I appreciate it

because now I'm going to go to one of his gigs and put my thumb in something disgusting and stand right near the front and

and see how we get on with that we'll take one of those massive foam yellow hands see if he can get his mouth over over that yeah go on matty you can do it mate keep going you might have something like david seaman comes along with massive hands about they all got that's challenging

yeah yeah now let's see how rock and roll you are i think it's a fine choice because I just, I mean, I only really know that first single that came out, is it Chocolate, I think it's called?

Yeah, yeah. And it was one of those that just, I couldn't stand just the sound of his voice but it would really get stuck in my head and I couldn't even

make out the words that way but I just have this sort of voice going chocolate! You know, it's that weird sort of, I know that not everyone's singing voice has to match their talking

voice, like obviously Amy Winehouse, fantastic voice, you can't talk like that all the time, that would be insane, but it's like it's just this sort of weird sickly voice he has just drives me mad. It's like when they sing in cursive, I think is what they call it, and it's like I mean,

I mean, I'm quite good. That is very good. And it's like, you feel the angst. It's like, you have no angst, Matty Healy. You have a life of luxury. Your mum's a superstar. And you're going around sucking as many thumbs as you want. I mean, he was a heroin addict.

Was he? Yeah. That's not someone you want to bring on an island. Well, I can't imagine he's going to source it there. And he's all right now. Is he? Well, not as a person, but... Wow, I didn't know that about him.

So he does a lot of research. Yeah, fair enough. But I'm an Equal Opportunities podcaster, so even if he has previous battles, I can still say he's a dick. That doesn't preclude you from being a dick. No, you've still got to have a base level of human interaction and not be a dick about it. So I think it's a good start to the podcast, so a fine choice.

Who have we got next? Who's going to be the second person on the island? Well, I'll go next because I've got another musician and you don't right yeah i did so i'm going to go for someone that i've got personal a personal beef with um i've gone for the american rapper is he a rapper machine gun kelly yeah now first of all the, not a fan of, Machine Gun Kelly. There's enough problems in America without another machine gun over there. And secondly, I met him and he was atrocious. Oh, this is good. Right, let's get into this then. What was he like?

So, Stevie and I met him at Reading Festival a couple of years back. And I just want to preface this story by saying sometimes people will come up to us, won't they? And they will try and be a little bit a little bit cool about asking for a photo. It's like, they don't give a shit. They just want Oh, my mate's kind of into you so I was just wondering if I could have a photo

and it's like, okay, right, I get the dynamic here, trying to be a bit cool. Now, I will admit that I did do this, right? I didn't know who he was, but my partner really liked him. We'd just gone and saw Youngblood, and Machine Gun Kelly came out, and it was great. It was really good. The show was brilliant.

They were waving American flags around. It was a fun time. The show was brilliant. They waved flags. What was the show like? No The show was brilliant. They waved flags. What was the show like? No good. They didn't wave any American flags. Has Matt Healy ever done that? No. Kind of upped the patriotism a little bit.

So I see him afterwards and he's in the guest area and he's got a big cigarette. Let's call it. You can say what it is as a photo yeah oh a weed one you're smoking a spliff the mary jane a green cigarette and i went up to him and i was like oh mate i really enjoyed your set with young blood my partner she's a huge fan of you she's not feeling very well she's in the tent i was wondering if i could perhaps get a photo and show her that I'd met yeah I was very complimentary even even though I did say like it was more for my partner and he's

he um he just looks at me for what felt like Stevie's there ready to take the photo by the way I'm holding the phone up like this and he just stares at Jack so I just start to put the phone down he just looks at me dead in the eyes for about eight seconds which is a long time and then i say is that okay mr kelly and then and then he he looks at me again he looks away into the distance looks back and then how are you we're swearing on this show is that okay i'm absolutely fine with it it's called dicks yeah He goes, hurry up and take the fucking photo, motherfucker. I just looked at him.

At that point, I'd love to say that I had enough about me to go, well, no, you're alright, mate. Fuck you. And walk off. But I just went, okay, thank you. And I just leaned into him and smiled at the camera. And the photo is all over the internet now. It became a bit of a meme template because he's just staring at the ground does not want to be there and i'm so happy and

he's just yeah he's just atrocious and then now away from that we've seen he's now with megan fox they do weird stuff there's articles allegedly saying that they eat each other i'm sure they do no they're like vampires or some shit oh there's a lot of blood stuff yeah they take each other what i'm sure they do they're like vampires or some shit oh there's a lot of blood stuff yeah they take each other's blood yeah yeah the first thing for me is like complaining about the photo taking too long whilst you've already drawn it out with an awkward eye you know staring match like we could have done this by now machine gun you know like this could all be over if you just didn't dilly dally so much now come on you're in the public eye you can expect this kind of thing i don't know it's just like you know just don't be a dick i mean that's like i mean i'm glad you are because it's

given given us them to talk about on the podcast but i mean i just got so little time for people like that it was so weird it was so weird because like it doesn't matter how like most people that come up to us are lovely and even even if you do get like the odd rude one you just kind of put it down to like it's going to be easier for me if i just take this photo and let this person in on like go and enjoy their day but we were polite i polite. And he was just so... It was so strange. Recently, somebody that knows him... Because I made a video about it.

Cash in. Why not? And somebody who knows him very, very well messaged me and was like, oh, he would love to... Somebody's in London. He would love to recreate this photo. And I was like,

this is a pretty shit time for me. I don't want to do it again but I would do it just recreate the photo motherfucker yeah you'd have to give it back to him in some way wouldn't you a little bit yeah if you swap roles that's what I was thinking if I had the the weed cigarette and he and then he he looked happy. But yeah, to be honest, I'm kind of glad that happened because it's a good anecdote now.

Yeah. And I think if you're the person being a dick about it, like it doesn't, no one's going to go, God, it's so rock and roll the way he did that. Being a bit of an arsehole about a selfie. It's like, come on, man. I'm so bored of this sort of like being, it's the same with matt healy

to a point it's like in the old days of rock and roll it's like you know people behaved in certain ways and it's like oh yeah it's a bit sort of mysterious and dangerous and whatever but like that's such a sort of passe kind of thing now you know like and like you've got people like dave grohl who can you know famously be incredibly nice i don't think less of him is a rock star do you know what I mean and it's like and if you are still being a dick at least if you've been in a huge band for 50 years or something you're like okay well you're from the old school like you know if Lemmy came up to me and was a bit standoffish I'm like yeah kind of expect that but it's like and I'm gonna sound so old here but it's like these fucking kids come along and you're famous for five minutes and you're going to be a dick about it.

And I just don't have any time for it, you know. Yeah, 100 percent. 100 percent. Yeah, Dave Grohl, like he's one of the coolest fucking rock stars on the planet. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he's less edgy or less cool because he's like a nice guy to deal with. Yeah.

100 percent. So Machine Gun Kelly, he's on the island calling me a motherfucker every day yeah and just imagine that that those two people with you guys on the island and the energy between those two like you're going to end up even though you want them to eliminate each other you're going to end up having to sort of keep the peace between them which is just horrendous they'll be they'll be fighting no no the worst bit is gonna be when you're washing out your coconut shell or something and you just have to listen to them chatting in the background it'd be awful oh oh shut up yeah hurry up and suck my thumb motherfucker

then maybe one day they make they get peaceful together and they start making music and it's i mean then you've got to listen to that and oh just listen to them rehearsing for hours oh dear okay uh well um robbie it's down to you then who's the the final dick so i've gone for someone who's not horrible but he's just a dick i think like just a very specific to the type of the pod i've gone after a knight of the realm okay a national hero. I've gone for Sir Geoff Hurst. Sir Geoff Hurst. Now, I'm not a footballing fan,

but even I know the importance of Sir Geoff Hurst. So, I mean, this is going to ruffle some feathers, which is exactly what I'm here for, you know, so let us know your thoughts on Geoff. I bring evidence to the table. I'm a My Family All From Glasgow and a Scotland fan. I have no particular allegiance or any feelings on Sir Geoff Hur hurst in general but to be fair to the man he scored a

hat trick in the world cup final that's that's that is to be respected that is a good achievement that's fine he does go on about it he does go on about it quite a lot and i've I've met him a few times two times in particular really the first time I was 14 and I went to I was at Wembley Conference Centre there was like a football exhibition on where you could go along and they had like different stands and stalls I can't remember much of it but when I was there there was a table amongst the things and Sir Geoff Hurst was there signing autographs and I was like a kid and I was like don't particularly care Sir Geoff Hurst was there signing autographs. And I was like a kid. And I was like, I don't particularly care about Geoff Hurst, but I've never met anyone famous ever before in my entire life, so let's go and get Geoff Hurst's autograph. So the program came with it. It was a big queue. And he had a... he was sat at the front with a pen, and he'd sign

things, chat to someone, and then they'd move on. So I got to the front, and I said, uh, hi Geoff, can I have your autograph? And he said, yeah, have you got a pen uh no I was wondering if we could use the one on the table in front of you and he picked it up and took my thing goes three things you need when you're getting an autograph son a pen something to write on and a famous person like me just signed it and gave it back and I was like I didn't know I was 14 he's the first famous person I've met I was thinking

that bloke's a dick which I think was I think we can agree is a bit it's a bit it's a bit weird and then so years later

I went on I ended up working at Soccer AM at Sky Sports Sky's football entertainment show and he was coming on

we had a game at the end of the show where an ex-professional footballer would take a penalty against a goalkeeper in the car park um and i was on the production team at the time and he was coming on and i told everyone this story going jeff hurst did this when i was 14 okay let's mention it i'll do no we can't don't mention it don't mention it but it turns out beforehand i'd have i was sort of briefing all the guests i'd met'd met him chatting to him in the green room

didn't mention all this but I would have to find out whether they were left or right footed because it would affect where you place the camera to film it

so obviously if they're right they're going to hit with their right foot you'll put the camera on the other side so that you're not interfering their run up

so I said to him before I said Geoff just when you just set up the camera are you right or left footed? And he went, both. I was like, all right, Jeff, when you kick the football, are you going to use your right or left foot? And he goes, right.

I went, fine, right footed, gorgeous. I'm getting amazing. I've met the guy twice and he's been a dick both times. But he's not horrible, he's just a bit of a dick. Are you right or left footed both he says as he hopped off like a kangaroo

yeah and he shows it shows the extent of this that when in the World Cup final just gone when

someone became the second player ever to score a hat trick in a World Cup final my first thought was yes Geoff Hurst hasn't got that anymore rather than rather than achieve it on the pitch that was my first thought in, yes, Jeff Hurst hasn't got that anymore. Rather than achieve it on the pitch, that was my first thought in my head. Oh, fair enough.

I love those three bits of advice for getting an autograph. It's like, for that to really make sense, it'd be you going up to someone not famous and then giving you the bit of advice. I can imagine a film of you coming of age. The first one, you had to find the pen. The next one, you had some paper. And finally, you got the famous person. And he told you everything you already knew by that point.

Yeah, I just can't get it right. I'm like, oh, God, I've just asked the newsagent. And I got the first two bits, but not the other one. Oh, God. To be fair, though, to be fair, it is like Jeff Hurst scoring the hat-trick in the World Cup final. Yeah. And then him being wheeled out every four years on every kind of football show and getting a paycheck every four years to talk about it.

That is kind of like Macaulay Culkin getting a little cash injection every time Home Alone's on every Christmas. He's done that one thing. Can't you grant him just once every four years, he comes out of the woodwork, talks about his goals. 100% do that, go wild, be nice with it. Right, and also, if we're gonna address the elephant

in the room, did he really score a hat trick in a World Cup final? Because one of the goals was not over the line. Yeah, that's weird, isn't it? Because it's like, if we're saying it's not even a hat trick, it's like, and you probably know that, and you've seen the footage, and you're just carrying that's weird, isn't it? Because it's like, you know, if we're saying it's not even a hat trick, it's like, and you probably know that, and you've seen the footage, and you're just carrying that flag around, aren't you, mate? Which I think takes a certain kind of person.

I suppose, I don't know, I guess if it's like you would have lost if it had not been for that other goal, right? But, yeah, I don't know. But then if I'd scored two and a half goals in a World Cup final, I'd be telling everyone I scored a hat trick. If I hit the post in a World Cup final, I'd scored two and a half goals in a World Cup final I'd be telling everyone I scored a hat-trick yeah if I hit the post in a World Cup final I'd be mentioning it yeah yeah I don't know it does seem like a bit of an awkward so I just think again like you can be a really famous successful person and not be a bit abrasive especially if it's like to a 14 year old kid it's like you know

if you're working with people and you're tired and you just can't be arsed that day then okay be a bit of a pain in the arse. But, like, some kid who likes football coming up to you and, like, asking for an autograph. And, yeah, you've already got a pen, Geoff. Come on, mate. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have got up to him with just a bit of paper and that and expected him to have a pen in his pocket. But it's the fact he was using this pen to sign everything.

And it did make me wonder, has he had this same conversation with the 50 people in the queue in front of me and asked them all if they've got a pen probably i probably probably got a bit of a buzz from that yeah and then on the opposite side we meet somebody like neil warnock who comes with a little bum bag full of signed photos of himself to give out to everyone so yeah nice nice i think jeff's probably walking off going told you i should have bought that pen so it did come in handy after all yeah you never learn he's had an argument with his wife years ago about not bringing a pen or something like that and now he's just trying to really ram home a point he has another kid turned up with no pen so i was right tell dan about your little go-to line with me on prince of wales back in the day when jack first started like blowing up on youtube um a lot of people in norwich we've got

a strip called prince of wales road where like all the nightclubs were and he'd one person would spot him and ask for a photo and then he'd kind of get like this queue forming behind him and i'd always just kind of be there this is long before the podcast so i'd just be his mate at the side like that and people would come over and i'd say i'd say say one of two things. One of them, I'd say he does carry his own pen just in case people ask him for his autograph. And then the other thing I'd like to tell people is that I actually don't know him. He hires me for nights out because I have to take the photos for him when people come over. I like having a good line that you repeat in situations all the time. I do a lot of filming and interviewing people,

and whenever I put a little radio mic on them, if they forget to take it off at the end, I always make the same joke. It's getting a bit old now, because it was a while ago, but I'd always say, oh, let me just grab your microphone back. We don't want an awkward Gordon Brown moment after you called a woman a bigot. This is getting very old game now. And I keep doing it, because it normally gets a little smile or something like that.

But every, I reckon every 10 times someone pisses themselves. Like crying, laughing. And I just live for those. I just keep going because I know eventually it's going to come around again and someone's going to love that gag. And mine is if someone comes up and me and Stevie are out now and they ask for a photo. If they just ask me, I say, yeah yeah it'll be 20 pounds but if you want stevie in the photo as well as the tenner i'm all for the set pieces there's a family friend of my wife's who's like he's just like the classic uncle and he's got like he almost doesn't speak apart

from set pieces you know so it's like you're at a barbecue and every time someone comes in he's like oh who let you in you know every time and like anytime you get him a drink he's like you're at a barbecue and every time someone comes in, he's like, oh, who let you in? You know, every time. And like any time you get him a drink, he's like, I'll take back everything I said about you. And it's just his entire interaction with everybody is a set piece of some kind. And it's just poetry to watch. You need someone you want to be stuck on an island with.

Yeah, I just sort of gently aspire to that level of kind of like adulthood one day, you know, just sort of like wheeling them out. Like, oh, they let anyone in here. Oh, oh, dear. How long have you been married? 25 years. Get less for murder. Oh.

I did that joke at my wedding after being married for about an hour in my speech. I'm married an hour now, get more'm married now now you get less for the you get more than that for murder or less whatever no i think it's good and i think you boys have already picked a superb lineup of dicks for this island because i mean the ego is there i just i mean i can just imagine you guys just cowering in the corner just sort of go should we intervene should we or like them coming over to you be like did you hear what he's just fucking said and like having to pick sides and you hear what he's just fucking said? And like having to pick sides.

Oh, I mean, it's just making me feel uncomfortable. It's beautiful. I'm really enjoying it. So well done. I feel a bit sorry for Jeff now because as I say, he's not a nasty person.

He's going to be stuck there with these other two dicks and they're not going to want to talk to him. Machine Gun Kelly's not giving Jeff Hurst any time of day, is he? It's just going to be battle of the years. Matty Healy's going to be going, 1925, Jeff Hurst 1966.

Just me in the middle. And go 1970. That's pretty good for you, yeah. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like

this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Okay. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of a plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? So we've divided all these up into different people. So Jack is going to handle this question here. So I, and this doesn't bode well that I'm on an island as well, because mine's fish. Oh, yeah. I mean, that is a tricky one to navigate on a desert island and i also i'm not that big into coconuts which i assume are going to be there yeah but anyway on

the on the plane yeah there's an array of fish any type of fish uh the only fish i can handle is fish from the fish and chip shop that's covered in batter and tastes more like grease than it does fish uh my partner she loves sushi so she gets that quite a lot. And just the thought of, like, the thought... When I eat a chicken, I'm not thinking it's a chicken. I can remove myself from that. I'm, like, the worst kind of meat eater. I'm not even conscious of it.

But when I eat fish, I used to think when I got, like, when you get a bit of tuna, I didn't know tunas were massive until recently, so I thought that bit of tuna on my plate was like a little tuna. They've taken the eye off it, and that's the tuna fish there. And I'm just very aware that I'm eating a slimy little sea alien, and I don't want any of it. What about fish finger?

I'm not a fan of it. Not a fan of it. I think I used to eat them as a kid, and I found a bone in it once. I was like, that's madness. Oh, yeah. I find it weird, like, if I'm eating a cow, if I have a steak, that's like a bit of a cow. So really, the guilt is shared between

probably 50 to 100 people who are having different little bits of this cow. White bait's the weird one for me, because if you get white bait, you get like 50 to 100 little fish yeah it's like a massacre you're eating whole little fish what do they look like little fish yeah they're like tiny little battered fish thing with their eyes in yeah you just eat the whole thing no you don't you do but that's like you're killing like you're personally they're

killing like 50 things for one meal and you can never finish it so 20 of them are unnecessary wow it's like being a whale just just open your mouth and just chuck them all in i guess yeah yeah yeah but that is nice because you don't often get to feel what it's like to be a whale so no that's good i suppose i think it's mad that you don't like that you're calling putting all fish in there because there's quite a variety of fish all fish tastes the same prove me wrong. I can if you taste the fish. Like my nan, she eats, what are them little pink prawns? I said, am I right in thinking there's prawns that you have to take the shit tube out? Yeah, yeah, that's the thing.

Not having it. I can go the rest of my life without ever having to take the shit tube out of anything. Yeah, but you don't, when you have a steak, you don't eat the cow's anus at the same time i don't have to pull its intestines out and go thank god for this well they'll do it for you if you go to the restaurant no i was with someone once they were biting the head off of prawn ripping the shit tube out then going this is lovely you've lost me at ripping the head off you've turned me on at ripping out the shit you know when you lay it all out it's not making a great case for the fish you know and i think it is weird because you can't be removed from the act like when you see the whole fish there or like you know soft shell crab or something and it's just

like it's the whole thing and i think everything from the sea is inherently quite strange like you know lobsters and crabs i mean they look insane i mean like yeah i mean they're face huggers they're like sea insects aren't they like and someone on um our sister podcast compact dicks when we have listener submissions someone talked about the coconut crab recently it's like a meter wide and it can climb trees and then you're like right when you're in the sea you're a bit less weird but when you're doing exactly the same thing on land you're an alien like this is insane so i i can see that i can understand why you're a bit suspicious of the sea um there is some weird stuff going on there although you know

i have no problem with it myself my friend my friend mark when we were at university he's 18 at the time he thought seahorses were the size of actual horses because you don't even see the photos of them without context imagine how scary that would be if you're in the sea and a seahorse that would be quite cool that'd be good though you'd buy one it would be quite impressive yeah yeah i'd eat that no because it's more like this but you don't eat horse isn't there actually a thing called sea cows yeah they're like yeah manatees yeah i'd probably eat that that probably tastes like a salty steak yeah i don't know imagine them being very fatty, like a seal or something. I don't know.

But, I mean, I'm sure you'll get a lot of hits for it if you give it a go. So, I mean, I can't say that all of them will be a positive contribution to your career. But, you know, I'm happy to sit back and watch. I'll have a little nibble on a malatee. Okay, so you've got fish. What are you going to try and wash that down with? What's the terrible drink choice? I'm going to take the reins here i'm going all energy drinks any form of energy drink

i think are some of the most vile drinks ever created and they always tend to be bought by the set you you can spot someone in a shop and go they're going to buy an energy drink you just know straight away it tastes like battery acid except i don't get it like the only times i've ever really had an energy drink is if it's with a jagermeister and then i regret it yeah there's never a good moment to have an energy drink but the the cliche is that it's like 14 year old gamers that are up all night and you've got to be 16 to buy it well 16 year old gamers then on roadblocks or whatever the kids roadblocks yeah i would argue there is a time i will have a sugar-free red bull if i've got a long drive and i'm a bit tired

what's the point in that then because sugar is going to give you some of the energy that no sugar is going to give you a spike in energy and then it's going to fall off and you're going to feel rank but it's the caffeine isn't that it's the caffeine and taurine in that as well i don't know yeah so i'm the same. I largely detest them, but I keep one in the car as a sort of emergency measure because if I need it, it's there, but I can't keep a coffee there the whole time, you know. But the weird thing about them is like,

because Red Bull is, they obviously just went, right, we've mixed up this shit. I mean, it tastes like medicine, but let's just see what happens. We won't try and flavour it. We'll just, this is the taste. And then everyone had to copy that weird taste that you'd never do on purpose yeah and then so i'd sort of occasionally reluctantly chug something like this but then i was like oh right there's a tropical red bull now and i taste it i'm like this is this is all

right it just tastes like a sort of a lucasade or something great but it was limited edition and then they took them all away again. I was like, why have you taken away the ones that taste nice? What are you doing? Like, I don't want the medicine one. This is stupid. I want the nice pineapple one.

What's going on? I quite like the medicine one because it tastes of cowpaw from like when you're a kid. No, it doesn't. No, cowpaw's good. No, it doesn't. Cowpaw was sugary

purple goodness like Barney's cum what? Barney the dinosaur no we got that we understand it was purple but why are you saying

his cum is sugary goodness? it probably is it's not ruled out it's his name on the podcast it gets much more sinister when you find out your babysitter was called barney or something yeah i think also but you see people like they sort of you know like monster energy and

they're like a pint can and you think there's too much you see like a load of tradesmen in a van and they've all got a red bull and you think god the cab must smell of that that reek of it you know if you sit next to someone on a train, they've got a Red Bull, it's like, it's so pungent. Yeah. The issue with those cans as well is that you're only allowed, health-wise, you're only meant to have a certain amount of these drinks a day. The can size is like three times what you're allowed,

but they put on the side to go and have that amount, so you're only meant to drink like a third of the can and then hand it to someone else. I was on a train once and there was this guy who I don't want to judge anyone wrong podcast for that but he was

I don't think he was smashing parenting he had this daughter who was lovely she must have been about six years old or something she was really excited

that she's learnt to read and all this and she was reading the train signs and she'd go through like Abbey Wood and she goes Abbey Wood and she was going through like Abbey Wood. She goes, Abbey Wood. And he was going, now we call that scabby wood to his daughter.

And there was another one, Plumstead. She goes, that says Plumstead. She goes, no, that's Scumstead. Oh, she was in this. And I was just thinking, oh, my God, this bloke is poor, poor girl. And then he goes, and she goes, Daddy, I'm thirsty. He goes, have a monster. And gave this like six-year-old girl a full-sized can ofsize can of monster i just think you're gonna have a dreadful afternoon yeah

absolutely dreadful afternoon it was like it was like 10 a.m i mean giving a child it's like give a monster out you will get a monster back yes that's exactly what's gonna happen if you do that so i remember seeing a guy with twins at an airport and he gave them both a lollipop before a flight like you're already flying with twins. Why are you giving them sugar? Fucking hell. It's just a different breed, I think, maybe. But yeah, I think energy drinks is a great choice.

Just being all hot and sticky. And God, imagine throwing energy drinks to Machine Gun Kelly and Matt Healy. It's the last thing they need. So yeah, fair enough. All right enough all right well fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why well like we mentioned

we all came with different suggestions and then we kind of collated the best ones collectively but two of us me and stevie actually had the same worst ever song okay and we've gone for anything by lad baby yes good okay this is good do you want to kick it off it's just i just don't get it it's an awkward one because you've been put in a position where they're doing something good for charity whilst producing some of the worst stuff you could ever listen to uh allegedly as well there's all this talks that they give themselves quite a big salary from from the money that they make from these songs i don't know how much of that is true but i'll see some rumors going around on tiktok of that i definitely saw a video on tiktok of the the the bloke in it being a little bit a little bit handsy in a club with someone that wasn't his

his wife so that i don't think they're all this that they're they're like this um they they pretend to be this perfect kind of couple that come around every christmas and raise money for like if if hitler gave a lot of money to charity that still wouldn't make him a good person i don't think we can compare that i might be doing that yeah i i as a cat i think no i think they're doing a good thing raising money the songs aren'ters, but there's lots of people releasing dreadful music that aren't raising loads of money for charity. Maroon 5's moves like Jagger

is shit, for example. But that's not raising money for charity. But my issue with that is that there's a couple of things. He openly said, like on a live stream,

going, the best way you can give to charity is by downloading our song. Their song was about 99p and I think 5p went to charity. Oh, wow. So definitely not the best way you can give to charity is by downloading our song. Their song was about 99p and I think 5p went to charity. Oh, wow. So definitely not the best way.

You can't openly say that. Do we know this? Because it feels like there's a load of libel and stuff going around. No, he said it. We're not making some outrageous claims here. I'm making it very clear. I don't know if it's true or not.

Yeah, we'll say allegedly every time. But there's that. But then it's also just like they just come out of the woodwork every Christmas purely to do that but then it's also just like they just come out of the woodwork every Christmas purely to do that and they get annoyed

at anyone like every time another song gets closed they're going no but it's for charity this has to be Christmas number one oh we're better

than the Beatles now we've had more Christmas number ones than the Beatles yeah you say they just appear they are doing other stuff you just don't hear it

because you're not a mum on Facebook but why has every song got to be about fucking sausage rolls? Mince pies exist, pasties, there's an array of goods. Yeah, sausage rolls are better than both of those. They are, but I've actually heard three songs about sausage rolls. Yeah. Do you want a fourth?

The thing I do find weird is everyone always calls them YouTubers when they're not, it's on Facebook. They're Facebookers yeah I also struggle with the concept of multi-millionaires telling us how bad things are in Britain at the moment yeah they had a song

about you can't afford your lecky or something yeah they literally said it can't afford your lecky yeah they can

but ignoring them as people the songs themselves are shocking yeah terrible songs and it's weird them getting funny

about like people stopping them from getting from the number one because they'd still make quite a lot of money if they got to number three yeah it shouldn't matter what position they finish in and that makes me think it's it's more than just about the money for them you know it's it's like it's the bragging rights isn't it and you just think yeah i've just i do you know what i think i'm lucky enough to have never heard one because i just just the idea of it I'm like I'm staying away you know I've got to an age where I just can't I get so angry about so many things

if there's an easy swerve yeah you know that'll make my life better I'm like I'm not I'm not even dipping in you know I'm not going to choose to watch the John Lewis advert this year you know I'm not going to like engage so I'm like I'm aware of him and that is enough that's already too much really I can't believe you've never never heard one you're like sort of that one person in the pandemic that managed to not get COVID like you're smashing it yeah it's like a build a wall I don't know I just I just think there's so much time in your life where you have to listen to bad stuff it's like you know I'm a producer by trade, so I'm always listening to stuff and making things

that I don't necessarily want to hear. So when it's like my time, I'm like, you're not fucking getting into my ears, mate. No way. Have you seen this thing? It's about sausage. I don't care. I don't care. Just you saying that's enough. So just the idea of being stuck with that on an island is horrendous.

If you've got that level of fame or like you know people know about you enough you could probably just make a lot of money without doing the songs by now you know set up a charitable foundation maybe they have already but i don't know it's just a little irritants yeah yeah i think it's a fine choice uh what's your film choice going to be i gone, this is the thing I feel most strongly about today in this ep. I have gone for any, and it's a controversial one, any film with Will Ferrell in it. I think that is a controversial one, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, I'm anxious to see your workings out on this one. I just cannot find, to give him his credit, not that he needs it from me, but I've seen him do interviews and public appearances as himself, and he's been perfectly fine, perfectly funny, and I can get on board with that. But films like Step Brothers and Anchorman, and dare I say it, even Elf, just wind me up so, so much.

It's a completely personal thing, and I'm happy for your listeners to come to my house with a pitchfork and burn it to the ground, because they will feel passionately about this, and I understand that I am wrong. But there is just, every now and then in life, you just see someone, and for no real reason, they just get under your skin and irritate you,

and I don't find any of his characters funny have you seen A Night at the Roxbury? no that's excellent does he play a silly I'm Will Ferrell

not really he's sort of a younger sort of his two brothers I mean I can explain that is it a comedy?

yes is he a bit slapstick in it like he is in a little bit but it's not like everyone goes mad for Step Brothers I watched that film and I cannot Yes. Is he a bit slapstick in it, like he is in... A little bit, but it's not... Like, everyone goes mad for Step Brothers.

I watched that film and I cannot... I feel like it's... I'd describe it as fart humour. Yeah. It is like the type of people who laugh when someone farting in a room are the same people who are laughing. No, because I don't fart that far.

Is there a bit where someone gets their testicles and put them on a drum kit? Maybe I've made that up. Maybe that was a dream i had he is in an awful some awful films yeah but he's done the old school is really good will ferrell to me is like like on one side of the coin you've got jim carrey and then the other side is will ferrell jim carrey and like bruce almighty and the grinch is great the grinch is like the equivalent to Elf.

Yeah. You've got that and then you've got Anchorman and then you've got like Bruce Almighty. Do you know what I mean? There's the good side and the bad side and I veer very much on the Jim Carrey side. I mean, I think it's one of those things that once you just hate someone,

it's, you know, and especially, I suppose, someone like that who does have quite, you know, like an elastic face and sort of silly expressions and stuff. If that's what winds you up about them, it's going to be very hard to ever get past them. Then I'm not sure if it does, because I like Jim Carrey, like in The Grinch, and he's all like, hate, hate, hate. He's very like... But now that you know that you hate a couple of his films,

you're not willing to try the other ones. Yeah. Like, for instance, I've never, ever seen a film with Ryan Gosling in. And just because I know that now, I will never watch a film with Ryan Gosling in and just because I know that now I will never watch a film with Ryan Gosling why? because I'm not

fussed by things like the notebook oh the notebook's a banger and because I haven't seen it I'm now just like it's just a little thing

to be able to say I've never seen one he's only ever heard one 1975 what a weird thing to have as your thing I've never seen a Ryan Gosling film

I haven't got much else coming for me how far would your no you're saying every will fare of him ever are you including

the Lego movie because he's in that that's voice acting no it's not oh no he is in it he's at the end he's the dad he's like

the dad in it it's not it's not slapsticky sort of thing he's good in it I'm going to revise it it's not it's not slapsticky sort of thing it's it's he's he's good in it i'm gonna revise the answer and put stepbrothers as the film then okay yeah okay yeah that's not great i mean yeah i would say there's someone you know i have no problem with will ferrell but stepbrothers is quite a shit film so yeah yeah i could i can sign that off

and people like the kind of person who says stepbrothers is their favorite film i'm just sorry but i know we're not going to get on you're just that kind of whoopee cushion humor yeah that's one of those where you go i know i'm watching a light-hearted film that's not meant to be taken seriously but the central premise in this is very strange indeed like why are there two grown-up sons like this this is stupid like and and they wouldn't have to share a room and come on it's like the whole thing with Boss Baby

my son started watching that I'm like you can't be a baby and go off to work this is stupid you know this would never happen

his parents would find out in a second this is just yeah I'm getting more and more literal as I get older I am that guy though

if a film's not realistic i can't i can't get behind it although the other day i did start watching the emoji movie and it was quite good that's james corden isn't it yeah he's he's a knob but but still the the main the main emoji he's a met have you seen it yeah he's a met emoji that can't met yeah he wants to he wants to be able to do other things yeah but that's okay because that's so far removed from reality yeah then that's all right but i think yeah it's when you get the middle ground it doesn't quite make sense it's uh annoying but yeah i think i think uh if we can settle on stepbrothers then i think you know everyone everyone's happy or rather not happy because it's quite a shit film so yeah fair enough all right now finally

the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why okay i'm going to do one that most people outside of scotland won't appreciate but everyone in scotland will do and that is midges you're familiar with midges i've heard a lot of talk about them about the scottish variety yeah yeah they're basically people people think they're like mosquitoes i mean they're not they're like tiny little insects but they they're in the summer they are everywhere in the scottish countryside i don't know how i don't know where they come from i don't know how they are and it's like when you walk around they're so small you like breathe them in it's like you're it's like you've got air with insects it's

horrendous you just can't go they surround it they're absolutely horrendous creatures we've got we've got a photo of one up here they cover you like that they cover you why why are these sort of synonymous with scotland i don't know i don't know i've never seen them in england but if you go up into the highlands they're everywhere newcastle and places like that I've never seen them they might be I don't know because why would they just stop at the border

I don't know I don't know it's weird isn't it because I've heard a friend of mine is Scottish and I was saying oh you know

I saw this video about like the far north of Scotland it looks beautiful I'd love to go there and he goes yeah the trouble is in the winter

it's fucking freezing and like blowing a gale and in the summer midges everywhere and it's it's weird because you think scotland that should be the last place i'm encountering sort of flying insects yeah why are they just there and not the rest of the country it seems like a hot country problem yeah it does and i cannot explain how many of them there are when you see them it's just

they hang around in gangs of like two billion in like a meter square or something really so it's yeah and i do find it weird that i never see them because i'm my family from glasgow we sav all our holidays there it's only after a while of growing up i suddenly thought we only really get this we go to scotland in the summer i don't know why yeah i saw a program once and it was like a sort of grand designs thing, and someone had built this building next to a lock, and it was lovely. But she said, yeah, the problem is, you know,

it's very windy in the winter, but yeah, in the summer, obviously, you know, you do get the midges. And she's going outside in like a beekeeper's outfit, but the rest of her, like normal clothes, but just this mesh hat. It's like, why did you build it there? Yeah. I couldn't believe the

land was so cheap it's so unfair because scotland doesn't get the hottest summers in general sort of thing so you think when it is nice sunny days you think that should be oh good exciting no we can't go outside now it's midges so there's very few days you can go outside in scotland yeah really unfair isn't it and uh yeah it seems like they're even more of a pest than mosquitoes like the way they really mob you as well so yeah they're more of they're more of a dick animal i think because like mosquitoes like spread malaria and kill people midges aren't doing that they're just being dicks they're very specific to the definition here yeah so it's less of a sort of a pre-planned genocide more just sort of like tapping you on the shoulder

constantly and like giving you a little smack around the head and just yeah forever but but rather than tapping the shoulder they're tapping you from inside your lungs yeah that's uh that's a pretty pretty brutal way to go i think living with those i think sounds even worse than mosquitoes so yeah i mean it's it's the cherry on a cake made entirely of dicks and And I think you've done a superb job today. So thank you so much for coming on. And, yeah, let's talk about your tour. So that's really exciting. You've got loads of dates.

Yeah. You're the tour dad, aren't you? I am tour dad. Yeah, we have got loads of dates. Birmingham, Guildford, Reading, Cardiff, Southampton, York, Edinburgh, Newcastle, Manchester, Bristol, London, Cambridge, London again, Norwich. How have you remembered that? Because I've had this conversation so many times.

That's all of the places in the UK. There are no other towns. It's official. All the places that are worth it, yeah. Wow, that's going to ruffle some feathers. Well, it doesn't matter. We're not having any shows there. Say what you like. Yeah, it's official all the places that are worth it yeah wow that's going to ruffle some feathers well it doesn't matter we're not having any shows there

say what you like yeah it's going to be good fun nice one well guys good luck with the tour I hope it goes well and thank you again

so much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today it's been a pleasure thank you man nice one there you go i hope you enjoyed that one it was really nice chatting to them as well and uh we'll we'll be back with another episode next week with another amazing guest we're recording loads at the minute so uh there'll be loads to keep you busy and as i say in the meantime there's compact dicks the little sort of 15 20 minute episodes of uh dicks

suggested by you the listener so give us a shout i meant to say at the beginning as well as dicks pod.com slash contact you can always just submit uh your choices via twitter and instagram at dicks pod there as well desert island dicksicks was a Sync Clap production, created and produced by James Deacon, with additional support from our historian, our archivist, John Deacon. And it was also produced and presented by me. My name's Dan. Thank you for joining us. Oh, and before I go, I'd like to say a huge congratulations to chris attaway he's uh

sometimes edits these episodes for us but he's just had a little baby girl so many congratulations to him and his partner and congratulations to his daughter for for being here because you know it's not easy being a baby it looks like it's easy but it's not and that's why they get so bloody angry all of the time but chris we wish you lots of love and congratulations again. I think that's it for now, so I will be off for the moment. But, yeah, join us again for some more Desert Island Dicks soon, I guess. Okay, I've run out of words now. Bye.