Desert Island Dicks - JACOB HAWLEY

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

Comedian, podcaster and complete rotter Jacob Hawley returns to the podcast with a completely new bag of dicks! We’re on Patreon! For as little as £3.50 you will be supporting us to create more episodes of the podcast and as a reward you shall receive early access to episodes and completely ad-free listening. Get it here: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=24332430 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. Today we're joined by comedian Jacob Hawley. This episode is really funny and very relatable to anyone that's constantly checking their phone, which is in fact all of us. I'm on my phone right now. Make sure you follow us on Instagram at Dickspod and you can also follow me at Harriet Kemsley and you can get in touch with the podcast if you email desertislanddickspodcast at gmail.com. I am currently on tour so you can come see me at places like Oxford, Farnham, Manchester which got rescheduled because I got trapped in a train and the Sydney Comedy Festival in 2025. You can find all the dates for that on my website www.harrietkemsley.com classic we are also now on patreon

for four dollars which is the price of a diet coke and a petrol station you will get early access to episodes completely ad-free listening plus bonus episodes that you won't find anywhere else where james and i will be discussing our dicks of the week and reading out your suggestions for the desert island here's desert island dicks with jacob hawley here is desert island. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Jacob Hawley. Here is Desert Island Dicks with Jacob Hawley. Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest,

and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Jacob Hawley. Hi, Jacob, how are you doing? Yeah, great. How are you? I'm good. You're back. You've done this before. I'm trying to... How long ago was it? Six years? Seven years? It was a long time ago. Oh, my God, you changed. You're a new person. You've got new dislikes. Yeah, I've got new dislikes. I'm trying to, how long ago was it? Six years, seven years? It was a long time ago. Oh my God, you changed, you're a new person, you've got new dislikes.

Yeah, I've got new dislikes. I'm more bitter than I was back then. I'm trying to think who and where I was. I was like 25, 26, full of hope. It would have been hard for me to think of this. Was that pre-children? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, way pre-children. Yeah, I was so happy.

It genuinely would have been hard for me to think of things, I'd have been happy to be around anyone on a desert island. The only difference now is because I've got two kids and you know I don't I don't want to sound self-pitying but a life that I frequently dislike I just want to get to the island man like it's it's I was sold on the idea of coming back to the podcast as soon as it was like in a visit yourself on a desert island forget the dicks bit I just want to do that do you know what I mean just just be at peace on an island. I can't imagine being on an island. I sometimes see people on holiday and I'm like, when can you just have a holiday?

I don't understand. If you have kids, it's just like, it's just not going to be a holiday. So some people, I mean, I think people overcome that in a couple of ways. Some people holiday with grandparents, right? Now, I have done that. Problem is with my parents parents they're so performatively working class that they'll only go to caravan parks so it's the toss-up it's like do you want to go abroad but be stuck with your kid the whole time or do you want to be on a caravan park in a

place called size well where the local beach is literally positioned between two nuclear power plants and it's like you can go in the sea you might have more fingers afterwards yeah I mean so so some people do that some people i just struggle through and and i feel like i need a holiday after the holiday when i have holidays with my kids so my daughter goes to school in hampstead so i get to experience a very different kind of parent yeah yeah those guys are mad a lot of caspers a lot of milos and their parents will go to a foreign country that they've never been to before and hire a local to look after their child. When I say child, I mean baby.

A local they don't know. That they've never met before, that they'll find on the internet before getting there and just be like, well, you know, we want a night out. Would you? Could you? I don't think I could. I don't think I could. And it's not to sound like xenophobic. It's not to be like, I, you know, we want a night out. Would you? Could you? I don't think I could. I don't think I could. And it's not to sound like xenophobic. It's not to be like, I don't want some foreigner looking after my kid.

It's like... You don't know the area. I don't know anything. Yeah, you have no connection to that person whatsoever. They could talk to me. I could meet them. They could talk to me in their language about how they're going to abduct my child. And neither me or the kid know.

You'd know the on my sleep. They could literally arrive at the Airbnb and go, I'm about to take your child away in a van, in their language. And I'd just be like, have a great day. We'll be back at 11. Help yourself to food. Oh, my God. So, yeah, the desert island is very appealing.

It's very appealing. Okay, so who is the first person that would ruin this island, if it was possible? The first person, and this is... A lot of these people, I'm going to say, they come from social media. Like, that's the one escape I have, is social media. I'm as habitually addicted to using my phone as I was habitually addicted to narcotics in my 20s.

It's replaced by the phone. And so the first one is Stephen Bartlett. Oh, yeah. Do you know that guy? Yeah. Do you know that guy? Ex-battle rapper. I didn't know that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Ex-battle rapper. Now, I guess, kind of business mogul. But, I mean, he's kind of... He's just rent-a-gob. He's just...

It's just... I mean, I'm not far away myself. Just speaker. Just professional podcaster. Just open your mouth and say anything. That's Stephen Bartlett's job. And what I really dislike about someone like him and why I really detest it on an island it's this constant hustle culture you know like hyper performance

how can I get more out of myself how can I try harder and it's positioned to anyone it's like it's not just if you're a CEO here's how to be a better CEO it's so if anyone doesn't know what I'm talking about it's a guy called Stephen Bartlett he does a podcast called Diary of a CEO it's so if anyone doesn't know what I'm talking about it's a guy called Stephen Bartlett he does a podcast called Diary of a CEO and the premise behind the podcast is like this is how to be successful learn how to be successful from business leaders CEOs the reason it doesn't work is there's a couple of reasons first of all actual billionaires don't want to tell anyone else how to be a billionaire because there is a finite level of resources in the world. We can't all be billionaires. And they're not fucking stupid enough to tell everyone else how to do it. So they, you know.

Do you think they're giving us the opposite instructions? Yeah. They're like, oh, wake up at 10am. But I think even the stuff that they do say when they're like, yeah, try journaling. It's like, yeah, that's it. You all fucking, you grunts go and waste your time writing your little fucking diaries while we keep all of our money.

The concept is kind of flawed in itself. But then a lot of the time he doesn't get CEOs on there. Do you know what I mean? The idea is, it's like, oh, let's get a business leader, someone who's super successful in their chosen field. And it's always people that are successful. But it's often people that were successful by accident or just because of luck or in a way that you can't really teach people. I've listened to Thierry Henry, Arsenal's former striker,

talk about how to be a CEO. Great striker, amazing at finding space in the box. I don't know if he can help you build your startup. Do you know what I mean? Be born with a level of athleticism and a blunt imagination and then you'll have loads of money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah, and I think what's so exhausting about him, and I think you can apply it to people like Jake Humphries, imagination and then you'll have loads of money yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah and so yeah i i think i think what's so exhausting about him and i think you can apply it to people like jake humphries and all of these people around this hustle culture it extends to like real monsters like the kind of andrew tates of this world it's this kind of let's all be hyper productive let's all be better at being ourselves and it's like well i don't fucking want to be do you know i mean what if life's just really hard and actually it's fine if you're what I mean? What if life's just really hard? And actually, it's fine if you're just getting through.

And some of us have really unrewarding jobs that are really rubbish, and I don't want to be hyperproductive at it because it doesn't reward me if I am, and it's better to just try and get through and be happy. And that all gets lost in the sort of chase for we can all be billionaires, we can all sort of climb over each other and get there. Also, he's got a very annoying voice.

Have you heard Stephen Bartlett speak? For someone who does a lot of speaking, it's this kind of like received pronunciation, speaking a little bit breathlessly at the top of your voice. Why aren't you trying harder? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't think I'd get on with that on a desert island very well. I see. The thing that I found confusing was him calling his book like happy, sexy millionaire

or something. I just, that title just kind of, I just think it's so funny to call yourself sexy in your book title. Yeah. It's,

sometimes I think comedians see this where they kind of like write the name of their show to try and preempt the reviews. Do you know what I mean? It's like, if you call your show Happy Cluts mean it's like if you call your show happy klutz it's like you know what jacob hawley really is the happiest klutz we've reviewed

this year it's like if you call yourself like what is it like happy sexy millionaire you're just hoping that you know people are gonna write turned out he was the happiest sexiest millionaire whose whose book is available now yes steven bartlett would be my first one that I'd hate to be stuck with. Yeah, because would he be useful on an island, do you think? Yeah, I think he'd be very good at pretending to be useful. I think he'd be very good at trying to motivate you to be useful. But again, it's the flaw in the whole thing. It's like you're just talking about being useful.

Do you know what I mean? It's like you're great at talking about how people should try harder to be useful, but I don't think he'd fucking do anything himself. I think you'd sort of wake up in the morning on the island and be like, right, okay, well, we need to gather supplies, you know, prepare a structure that provides shelter for the night. Obviously, you know, keep everything dry. Think ahead in terms of water, stuff like that.

And be like, right, Stephen, can you help with any of that? He's like, well, not really, but I could motivate you to do it. And I was like, no, that's not helping, is it? That's just fucking talking. The thing is, I do love listening to this stuff. Do you? Because I don't listen to the podcast, but when I see the clips or whatever, those little things,

it does make me think like, oh, yeah. You know what? It gives you like a little pep and you're like, okay, I'm going to start the day differently. And it never happens. No, it never happens. But for that moment, you're like, I think I'm going to start the day differently. And it never happens. No, it never happens. But for that moment, you're like, I think I'm a new person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the sell, isn't it? I'm a sucker that falls for it. It's always the same music. It's always like... Yeah, and then someone's crying. It's always crying. These successful people, God, they whinge.

Do you know what I mean? And that's how I became a billionaire, Stephen. But it was sad. Stop fucking crying. I've got so much more debt than you. I don't cry. Okay, who's the second person? The second person, and again, it's a social media thing.

Now, I'm going to be very honest with you. I don't know this guy's name, but I think it's helpful because it means I could be meaner about him whilst giving myself a little bit of cognitive dissonance in my head that I've not drawn a target on his head. You'll know who he is. His Instagram handle is tonichealth. He's a kind of skinny guy with dark hair.

He always wears a baseball cap. And what he does is he walks around supermarkets picking things up and in 60 seconds telling you why you're a fucking mug for eating it. Do you know the guy I'm talking about? I don't know this guy. So he'll walk around supermarkets. The Instagram handle is tonichealth. And he's trying to sell you vitamins.

That's the whole thing. The push here is vitamins. But what is clocked after the success of Eddie Abu? Do you know Eddie Abu? No. Big guy. Used to be a bodybuilder. He went very viral over the summer because he would walk around

picking up bread and stuff in supermarkets, anything that had more than three ingredients. I think the Gut Health guy does this as well, has Zoe, the Zoe company. Yeah, right. They all do it. They all do it. This is like Britain's supermarkets has been taken over by content creators walking around picking up just bread.

I can't get down the aisle at Tesco's for somebody filming a TikTok, I'm going to be the bread. Yeah, and it's all so like shaming. It's so like, guys, are you eating bread? You absolute idiots. It's got more than four ingredients. It's got B numbers.

It's got C numbers. It's no good for your gut health and you're murdering your children. And you sit there being like, oh, my God, I can't give them toast anymore. Oats. No, oats were good. No, the hyperglycemic effects of women. It's like, oh, fucking hell, I can't give them oats.

What can I give them? My vitamins that are £19.99 sign up here. And it's that thing. And I think what's mad is I think we've almost, like, come full circle. When I was growing up, like, late noughties, like, mid to late noughties, all the TV was very shameful eating stuff, you know? Gillian McKeith, do you remember her? She'd get people to shit in a Tupperware, send it off and be like... It's hard to forget Gillian McKeith.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she'd be like, you horrible, disgusting family. Look at the revolting things you choose to eat. Crisps, ugh, chocolate, ugh. You should all feel, you know, horrendous about yourselves. disgusting family look at the look at the revolting things you choose to eat crisps uh chocolate uh you should all feel you know horrendous about yourselves and then they cry and then you know six weeks later they've lost like an inch around their waist and they do an interview where you can almost see the cattle prod behind them that the producers are holding whilst being like tell them how much happier you are now after Jillian made you be in the crisp right and then it feels like

we sort of went like okay that's not very good. That's probably giving people eating disorders. You're making people feel horrendous about themselves. There's probably other reasons why they eat the things they do. Stop it, right? Better. But now social media means people are just doing it again. Do you know what I mean?

There's so many, like you mentioned the Zoe app guy, again, just trying to sell you an app, but does so by filming himself being like, did you know you're murdering yourself by eating a pot noodle? And it's like, what else do you want us to feel bad about? Do you know what I mean? It's already so hard. It sounds really ridiculous, but eating's hard.

It is. Eating the right amount, what you eat, how you feel afterwards. All I ever want to eat are things that are fatty, salty or sweet. That is basically the human taste, isn't it? Things that are good are fatty, salty or sweet. And every day is a battle to eat less things like that because you know they're bad for you so you try and eat good stuff. I've heard these guys telling you that fruit is bad.

You're not supposed to eat fruit. Imagine being on a desert island with a guy walking around telling you you can't eat fruit. You're on the desert island, you're like, can't have that coconut. Yeah, yeah. Fuck, what am I going to eat? It's best I just, I'm going to do fasting.

Yeah, exactly. Because I'm going to be on this island, that's what they're going to teach me. I have to reset my gut because I had some water from my shoe and it was the only water I could drink. Yeah, I think, like, shaming people for eating is bad at the worst of times when you're on a fucking desert island. Yeah.

You know, you're going to have to eat what you can get. It makes it very complicated. And also it feels like this new science is coming out all the time. So, like, it used to be, like, low-fat stuff and then now it's, like, protein. And I have been eating more protein and I do feel better, but then I do feel like in a few years it's going to be like low fat stuff and then now it's like protein. And I have been eating more protein and I do feel better. But then I do feel like in a few years it's going to be like, oh, now you're having too much protein and the long term effects. And so it will flip.

It'll be like, oh, what, you monsters who are eating protein for the last six years. You should have been eating fiber. Oh, God, I need more fiber. And you start eating fiber. It's like, what, you weren't eating pasta? I don't know. It's constant. But this is the thing

with nutrition I don't know much about it but as soon as you start reading it you're like there's not actually a right answer

there's constantly new studies being done they're all funded by food groups they're all trying to sell something and they all say different stuff

like I had one I don't know my girlfriend sent me this thing being like oh we're not supposed to drink coffee until we've been awake for an hour

I actually have started to drink coffee I'm such a sucker for all hour. I actually have started to drink coffee. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm such a sucker for all of this stuff. Then, you know, have like a litre of water first. So we're there, like, you know,

like literally taking it in turns to pee every morning because we're drinking so much water. We're literally queuing for the coffee machine for when it opens as if it's Ministry

of fucking sound on a Friday. The first hour and a half is just completely wasted because you're just trying to get through until the coffee's done. Literally, literally. It's like just stood by the coffee machine, the children running to us for our attention being like, fuck off, fuck off, the first hour and a half is just completely wasted because you're just trying to get through literally literally

it's like just stood by the coffee machine the children running to us for our attention being like fuck off fuck off we're queuing we're waiting

we want to be there ready for 10 o'clock when we're allowed to have one and then I just googled it again and I was like oh actually someone did another study that's not true

we can just is that right oh my god but then who knows if that one's real and who knows if the other one's real and it's just

I just think at the best of times eat what makes you feel good do you know what I mean everyone vaguely knows what's good and what's bad right and it's also especially with kids it's like it's hard enough getting them to eat anything that's it i really feel like if she and if i'll give her some options but whatever you can't make them eat like you you give them the best you can but if they're gonna eat and you're in a time crunch it's better to give them stuff they're actually gonna eat than make a meal that they're not even gonna eat i mean my son's got a thing with

bananas at the moment he's the banana boy he's like it's like having a chimpanzee in the house like he won't stop in the middle of the night he'll like he's 19 months so he's just starting to get words he'll wake up at three in the morning because he's we my partner has stopped i was about to say we've stopped. My partner has stopped breastfeeding. I never start. Don't be that guy. So it means he's hungry. So like he'll just wander into our room at like three in the morning and you're sleeping and you just hear, Nana!

And it's like, what do you do? Like I can have an argument with the boy at three in the morning about why, you know, try and tell him it's like, we don't really have potassium at this time, son. We'll just give the kid a banana. Yeah, I agree. And it's like, yeah, he's have potassium at this time, son. We'll just give the kid a banana. Yeah, I agree. Do you know what I mean? And it's like, yeah, he's having three bananas a day.

Is it ideal? Yeah, 17 bananas a day. I don't know what to do. I don't know. Is it the worst thing in the world? I don't think so. There's a kid that goes to the nursery with my daughter who has two packets of Quavers on the way in every day. So I feel like we're doing better than them. And that's what I want to see.

Like, in terms of social media and in terms of being on an island, that's what I'd want. I don't... And what's clear from my first two choices, Stephen Bartlett and the tonic health guy, I don't want anyone who's doing better than me. Yes. Do you know what I mean?

You don't want anyone telling you what to do. I want people who are going to be a fucking car crash on this island. I want people who are just a mess. Do you know what I mean? Just to make me feel better. Okay, I'll come to the desert island with you. Don't worry, you'll feel better. I've been hinting.

Okay, who's the third person? Third person to go on my island. It's kind of cheating a bit, but I'm going to go for a brand of people. Is that okay? Yes, yes, yes. The brand of people that I would most want to avoid on the island are people that I refer to as cosies. These are people who, when it starts getting cold,

September, October time, which is roughly around the time we're recording, they're dying to turn the heating on. They're, oh, we're just going to get under the blanket. Oh, I can't. Oh, I can get my hat on. I've got a new coat. You've made me really excited for all time.

No, no, no, no. Get a all time. No, no, no, no. Get a little candle. No, no, no, no, no. Get a little blanket. I'm ready. Get the fire going. I don't have a fire. Yeah, yeah.

I can't afford to be a cosy. Blankets are expensive. I can't turn the heating on. No, but I'm a proper sun lover. I adore the sun. Again, the island sounds good as long as it's warm. Spiritually, you know you get those people from the southeast of England

who eventually move to the Costa Brava, and by the time they're 54, they look about 90, because they've got the complexion of a leather boot. That's spiritually who I am. Have you seen Sexy Beast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ray Winston.

I watched that film fairly young, and I was like, wow, that's what I want. Aspirational, yeah. That's aspirational to me. You're the only person that was inspired. These horrible terracotta criminals on the south coast of Spain. Nice year, isn't it, Ray? I love that, right?

So I get very depressed at the idea of summer ending. I try and manifest summer staying by continuing to dress as if it's warm. I do that as well. Yeah, I do t-shirt and sunglasses till November, you know. So what I don't like is when it's September and by the way, September can still be very warm, often is. I think that's part of the sort of global warming thing now that July and

June is just going to be wet, but these months will be alright. And you get people being like, I can't wait to get my little hat on. I'm going to get a cardigan this year. Oh, I'm going to put on... Shall we start putting slippers on in the house? It's like, you're to blame. You're calling it on.

Do you know what I mean? I think those people are kind of... Yeah, I know. We've got a mutual friend, Bella Hull. Amazing comedian. God, she's too cosy. Bella loves to be cosy. Oh, my God.

She's like a little mouse. Do you know what I mean? Constantly sort of like, you know what I mean constantly sort of like you know digging around to try and pull something up around her she's like

she's like a little gerbil and it's like even in like April because we sort of hang she lives near me so we'll hang out on the weekends and stuff

and she'll be like oh it's nice just to call and it's like would you stop do you know what I mean it's like you're calling it on too much I love it tricks me though

because I I love summer that's my favourite but then I do when the leaves are coming and calling it on too much. I love it. It tricks me, though, because I love summer. That's my favourite. But then when the leaves are coming and then it goes in, how are you going to slip this on? Yeah, I know. I know. The thing is, the cosy fantasy never happens, right?

Like, if you think about recent winters, how much time... You know the fantasy you just built? Yes. Which I think you just said, go to the pub with your slippers on. Sit in front of the fire. It's my fantasy, Jacob. Have a hot chocolate with a bit of Baileys in it. Yeah, exactly.

Some corner of Tooting. You're sat in a web of spoons with your slippers. You just look unemployed. In my dressing gown. But this is the thing. That so rarely happens. That's very rarely the case yeah what what more frequently happens is it's kind of 18 degrees but it's also raining so you wear a coat then you get on the tube and you're sweating yeah then then you have to you get outside and the sweat on your

back feels cold so you put the coat back on then you're damp you can't get like you know no one wears shoes that really suit the weather in london so it's so it's like you tread in a puddle you've got wet feet your children are wet you need to dry your children like it's it's that soggy toddlers running around your feet get them on the radiator come on try them out but i think it's a trick because i love it and then i get excited and then then it's my pet peeve is January, February. Like that is just, it tricks me. But after Christmas, it's just bleak. There's no cosy, there's nothing.

It's just endurance until the sun comes out again. And that's part of the contract. This is the thing. I mean, I've always, there are people, you know, with a lot of money. Or it might even be, this could be how the island works out this sort of fantasy island set up if this island

could be a warm island between January and Feb I'm okay with being around Stephen Barlow and the Tink Health guy because like you say this kind of run down

to Christmas bit it's a laugh isn't it then you get to January and it's like oh my god my mentee H is on the blink yeah that's what I need to go to a desert island. That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, to kind of flip the concept of this podcast on its head, I would actually be really game for it, as long as it means avoiding winter in Britain. We're going. Okay, Jacob, now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they

so bad? So, drink, I'm going to go with American Craft IPA. Okay. It's a very specific kind of very flavourful, often sort of 5.5%, 6% beer, which I was kind of into a few years ago and I think it's gone too far now. What's the brand name?

There's all sorts. There's the kind of Gamma Rays. There's gone too far now. What's the brand name? There's all sorts. There's the Gamma Rays. There's loads of these things. They're too flavourful. They're all sort of like, we mixed a mango with a lychee to create our red. Maybe it's too much. Your worst desert island is my dream desert island.

I'm just walking around being like, I'm so inspired and I'm having a lovely flavourful drink. But this is the thing. I'm old enough around being like, I'm so inspired. I'm having a lovely flavourful drink. But this is the thing. I'm old enough now and bitter enough that I don't want like beer that tastes of anything. I've got to where my dad got to. Just hops. Just hops. Just cold hops that, you know, kind of cure my social anxiety a little bit,

make it easy enough to be at the pub and sort of quench my thirst while simultaneously dehydrating me. That's what I want. I don't want flavour or gimmick. You know what I mean? That's a lot of these things. They've got a story on the back, you know. A story on the back. On the back of the tin.

It'll be like, we were just two dandy guys from Nashville and we decided we should, you know, it's like, fuck off, man. And what I don't like is what it brings out in me. Like, I'm a left-wing, young-ish guy with progressive views who wants a fairer world for everyone. And I believe the UK should open its borders to whoever needs those borders to be open and be as helpful to people of all different cultures as possible because I think multiculturalism

makes us better. Boo! I know, I do. As soon as I, until I walk into a pub and I see all these American things Okay. And I have to say there's a, you know, there's a lion in my tummy with an England shirt on

saying they're coming over here with their flavourful beers, they're taking our pumps. Yeah, yanks. Yeah, that's a word I'll use in this context. And it's not to say Americans are bad. There are certain things I think, you know, it's better to go to America for.

Guns. Guns, yeah. Glow-in-the-dark breakfast cereal. Pharmaceutical drug problems. But in terms of lager, I would stick to the good old British stuff like San Miguel and Amstel that's

okay what's the food the food again it's kind of a brand of food and it just gives me an opportunity to moan a bit, kids meals the food my kids eat and it's not like, I try and make them as imaginative stuff as possible,

and what I mean by that is we've got two different kinds of pasta that we just make on rotation. But I don't know if you've been hit by this. I just eat bits of it. They'll never finish it. My kids are one and four. They never finish it, so I'm just nibbling at corners of it. I'm now like half a stone, a stone heavier than I want to be,

and I just look at bits of myself and I'm like, half a stone a stone heavier than I want to be and I just look at bits of myself and I'm like that's half a pasta bake that's an uneaten scotch egg do you know what I mean this sort of like second face that's appearing under my jawline it's just a collection of bits of baby bell from the last four years and it's like it's never anything I want it's never something I'm going to enjoy eating. It's just there. I haven't got time to cook myself a meal. Nibbling on the end of something that they're not going to eat. And God knows how much saliva and rubbish from their mouths I'm getting at the same time.

And it just makes you realise, it's like, this is no way to live. Yeah, it's really sad. It's really sad. There are prisoners of war who would look at the way I eat and go, poor fucker. Do you know what I mean? It's like I'm sat there just nibbling on crap. The idea of having a meal, being in prison and having a meal where you can sit down at a table on your own. Someone's cooked it for you. It's actually really appealing.

So appealing. And then they'll take it away and clean it. Yes. That would be amazing. Or if you're on the island, the water comes in, just washes it all away. Wow. Yeah, lovely. Yeah, but if this fantasy came true and I could just be on this island,

I would just want my food. The other thing, it's not just me having bits of theirs. The rare occasion that I can cook for myself, they always want a bit. They always want a bit. And this could sound mean. I actively make food that's spicier than even I want it because if I leave it on the table and they nick a bit, I want them to suffer.

I've ridden them. Like, you know, coming over, the amount of chilli oil I'm putting in my noodles nowadays, so they're like, Daddy, it's spicy! And I'm like, yeah, it fucking is, actually. It's because it's mine. Hands off. Yeah, Mabel eats some of mine and then she'll go,

ugh, yucky, and that feels bad. You want to sit down and be like, well, it's not for you, actually. Yeah, it's mine. I don't pass judgment on your froob, so don't tell me that my pad thai is no good. We made this so desperately in this small window of time where I wasn't checking on you or trying to clean something or move around.

Okay, so fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings. One has your least favourite

film of all time and the other your least favourite song What Are They and Why. So I'll go song first. I trust the algorithm on my devices to know me better

than I know myself. And nine times out of ten, they get it right. Do you know what I mean? Like my Twitter is football news and my Instagram is largely images of takeaways. Right. Yeah, that's me. That's what I want. That's what I like.

However, something's gone wrong with my algorithm recently I must have watched something I didn't mean to watch or left my phone on so basically do you remember a band called Paramore

yes my phone thinks I really like them and I haven't been keeping up with Paramore Paramore they're touring

with someone I think it's Taylor is it the Ears tour? Yeah, I think they're open for Taylor Swift, maybe for a few of the dates. Yeah. So my Explore page on Instagram, it's so bleak.

I don't know how much crossover there is. I don't know how active Paramore have been recently. Basically, I can tell you for a fact, because of what my phone keeps showing me, people aren't getting to these shows early for Paramore. So all I'm seeing on my phone is Hayley Williams, the lead singer of Paramore, who still, like back in the day, this was kind of cool, she still styles her hair.

She straightens her hair as if she's done it with a fucking ironing board. Right? And it's her jumping around an empty stadium singing these songs because they're doing the support slot and they're in these huge venues. I could show you one. It's just her bouncing around, giving it all that, but in an empty stadium in Brazil, right? So what's happened?

I think my apps will talk to each other. Every time I do, I like to see those kind of like Spotify radio. It keeps giving me Paramore songs. And I wasn't a massive Paramore fan back in the day. But what's happened, happened I think they were emo were you ever an emo a tiny bit that I had a period where I only wore black and then my grandma hated it she took me shopping and she bought me some clothes with colour and then I never looked back so I don't think I really committed you could have been you'd suit an emo I think yeah

yeah I think you you strike me as someone who had things to be emotional about in your teenage years. Yes, a lot of emotions. A lot of emotions. But the thing is, back in the day... Were you emo? I was a bit emo, yeah. I was in the band and it was a lot of sort of, you know, screaming.

Like, I look back now and it's like, you wonder why our generation has such mental health problems now. It's like we spent our teenage years being like, I hate myself! But Paramore were really good at that. They were a really good emo band because it was all songs. And they were monetising the misery of teenagers to the point where they literally had a song called Misery Business

where the opening line is, I'm in the business of misery. And it's like, well, yeah, you're the biggest emo singer in the world. That's literally what you're doing. You've monetised the business of misery. And it's like, well, yeah, you're the biggest emo singer in the world. That's literally what you're doing. You've monetized the hormones of a generation. But they did it really well. It used to be like, I hate my life. I've just been dumped.

It's really bad. And it's like, yeah, okay. Whereas now, because of the mental health movement, they can't do that. So they've got this one song that's like, hard times.

So that would be the song. Because I keep getting played this hard times song on Spotify and it's like rubbish post-mental health awareness emo, which isn't even that emotional. Does that answer your question? Probably not. I've gone a long way about explaining this. And I think what's great is you've mentioned Paramore so many times

and your phone has now overheard you. You're only going to be playing it even more. The phone's just sat there going, yeah, he fucking loves this guy. He keeps saying he hates it but he won't stop talking about it. Give him more. Okay, what's your least favourite film? I need to check the

name. Paul Mescal's film came out in the last couple of years. He's playing a dad with a daughter on holiday. Sunscreen? Is it called After Sun? After holiday. Sunscreen? I've heard about, is it called After Sun? After Sun. Sunscreen is great though. Sunscreen is great.

I've heard about this film but I can't watch because I just heard it's so sad and it's just, I can't watch sad things at the moment because of my emo history. So yeah, my film

that I wouldn't want would be After Sun, the Paul Meskell film from a couple of years ago. Now, I've moaned about having kids so much. I should stress, I love them to bits. They're the best thing about my life, right? But,

but, they have taken everything. So, I work a lot of evenings, and my partner works evenings as well, and we have children. So there's just no watching time, you know? Yeah. There's no series know there's no series there's no

that's the thing I completely agree this is what I tell people about having kids it's like you can manage to do everything you just won't get

to watch any TV I love TV I love TV but you can watch TV but it's Peppa Pig yeah yeah yeah you watch their TV I mean

I've got a trade off with my daughter is that we watch her TV we listen to my music she's a big J-Hus fan she likes to sing along to Big you know,

Big Batty Girl, Good Evening, I Can See Your Chicken Need Seasoning. She's a three-year-old vegetarian from North London. She wants to season some poor girl's chicken. So I don't get time to watch anything with my girlfriend now. And, you know, that's what relationships are before having children, really, isn't it? They're built on box sets. It's just being amateur TV critics together.

That's how you start to raise it. So we managed to, like, literally we've watched one film since our daughter was born four years ago. And it was like we got a spare evening. You know, neither of us worked, which is so rare. It's like, right, what are we going to do? And this After Sun thing, this Paul Meskell film, it was kind of trending at the time.

It's a clever film. It's a clever film. It's a smart film. Shot nice. I'm sure it won awards for cinematography. It looks nice. It makes me thick to admit it. I didn't know what was going on. I had no idea.

You know The Sopranos? You know the ending of Sopranos? No spoiler, but the ending of Sopranos, it just goes to black, and a lot of people when it came out was like, is that it? Is that the end? Is my TV broken? I was like that with After Sun. I went back and checked. I was like, I had to look at the little bar, you know, the bar at the bottom, which tells you how far along you've gone. I had to check that to be like, that's the end? I think basically after you have kids,

you just get thick. You just get thicker. Like it's proven, I think more for mums than for dads, but it's proven that you lose think i think more for mums than for dads but it's proven that you lose a lot of brain cells and also as you say everything like you're not reading chaucer you're reading stuff for three-year-olds and i think your brain just reverts i think you go like i'm closer to intelligence to my daughter than i am to the man i was before i had my daughter so this this is after something. I think it's quite clever. I think there might be an inference that he dies. I'm sorry if it's a spoiler.

I honestly don't know if he died or not. I don't know. I didn't know what was going on. It's a film where him and his daughter go on holiday together. It seems simple. Well, to me it was. To me, that's all that happened. I'm just watching a mildly enjoyable holiday going,

okay, yeah, yeah, all right, yeah, uh-huh, yeah. And then it stopped. And, like, you know, you read all the reviews, it was like it was a masterpiece in storytelling that beautifully depicts the difficult relationship between daughter and father. I was like, did it? I don't know. I had no idea what happened.

It was too clever for me. And I think nowadays there's like a real kind of, I think, separation between what you'd call like blockbusters, like movies and then like films, you know, nice kind of clever. And I used to think I was a film guy. And I've realised I'm a bright colours and explosions guy. You know what I mean? My brain has rotted to the point where that's all... Between the algorithm, which has given me a nine-second attention span, and watching my daughter's television, which is just colours,

that's all I need. I'm... We should have watched Transformers. I've realised, me and my girlfriend we would have got it would she like it she didn't get it either she she she's like she's like is there a book of this we could read to work out what should we need like the cliff notes we were straight on wikipedia to read the plot to understand what happened i do that quite a lot of things i will admit yeah because then when you talk to people,

you need something to say and then I'll say something that I read and then they'll be like, I actually disagree, I think this. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I only have that one opinion that I read. Run to the toilet to read the Wikipedia again. Okay, finally,

the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it? So it's my parents' dog. It's a whippet called Rodney. Oh, Rodney. What's wrong with Rodney? Fuck off, Rodney, man.

He's an idiot. Like, this thing, he's... So my mum, I think, is a bit mad. And I think, essentially, bit mad. And I think essentially, so like, prior to Rodney, my parents had two generations of sausage dogs, Dachshunds. Oh, yeah, my grandma had Dachshunds. And they're basically sort of big cats, really. They're not really dogs.

You can walk them every other day and they're very chilled and easy. And basically, when me and my sister moved out they bought the second generation of sausage dogs they passed away christmas 2019 just before lockdown in lockdown it's you know it's classic town my mom got a bit lonely just lost the dogs three months prior couldn't see me on my sister re-entered the dog market at an age that i don't think was appropriate you know in her early 60s she shouldn't be re-entered the dog market at an age that I don't think was appropriate you know in her early 60s she shouldn't be re-entering the dog market she got this thing they've told her it's a whippet I'm still 99% sure it's a greyhound it's massive it's the size of this table and these are aging pensioners who should be slowing down in life and instead they've got this big ridiculous

yeah and I think it's got an anxiety problem this dog it just runs and goes and you know they do take good care of it it's too big it's too it doesn't know what's going on and i i think i'm jealous of the dog right yeah i i'm 99% certain my parents love the dog more than me they certainly want to spend more time with the dog than they do me. Yeah. And I resent Rodney the dog. I think if I was on the island with the dog, my parents would make efforts to reach the dog before they made efforts to reach me. We've got to get to Rodney. He's never going to survive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not with this anxiety. They'll be on the news offering money if anyone can offer any information on this thing. They won't have called me. Oh, also Jacob's there. Yeah, yeah. If you ever see him.

Yeah. And I've always loved dogs. This thing is so big and mental, it makes me doubt that. Whippets can be tricky, I think, because I remember seeing a woman in a pub with them and she had to lie down like a blanket for the whippet to lie on. They're very frail. This is the thing.

They're a bit like horses. You know, like, people really domesticate horses. You know, like, I've always found that mad, that, like, you know, horse people, people who've grown up around horses, who ride horses, they'll go up to these big horses and just sort of stroke them by the jaw. And it's like, your leg could fit in that mouth. You know what I mean?

But they treat it like a cat. I think people are going to do that with whippets and greyhounds. They're really big, but they treat them like, it's like, people are going to do that with whippets and greyhounds. They're really big, but they treat them like, it's like, oh, yeah, just bring him to the pub. He'll sit on the sofa with me. It's like, his leg's longer than yours. You can't just... They're like flat-pack furniture.

You want to fold them up a bit. Are you scared of Rodney a little bit? It's not that I'm scared of him. He's just come at the worst time. If I'm being really honest, I wish my parents would spend more time looking after my children for me. There we go. Yeah, yeah.

We got there. Exactly. We went out. Rodney is taking up all the babysitting time. Exactly. That's what's happened. I'll be honest. Their last generation, their last set of dogs died just before my daughter was born.

And it's like, this should have been perfect. Do you know what I mean? Not saying I killed the dogs. Not saying I killed the dogs. But this should have been perfect you know i mean not saying i killed the dogs not saying i killed the dogs but it should have been perfect timing and then they got another dog and now i can't get them in i can't get them in they're always busy with the booked up yeah um jacob thank you so much for coming um your desert island sounds um actually perfect for me i'd love it i'd love to spend time with rodney i'd love to eat some of his children's food do you have anything to promote at the moment

yeah so a lot of my picks are social media based and that's because I do a podcast about social media we take the mick out of a different

content creator each week it's called the Screen Rock Podcast the content creators we take the mick out of often find the podcast sometimes get upset

sometimes become patrons so yeah check out the Screen Rock Podcast and then I'm on tour with my stand upup show, Space. Amazing. I am at Instagram at Harriet Kemsley. And I'm also on tour.

There's tickets at HarrietKemsley.com. Thank you so much, Jacob.