Desert Island Dicks - JAKE LAMBERT

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

One of the nicest people to join us on the podcast! Comedian Jake Lambert chooses the people and things he'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, it's me, Harriet Kemsley, and welcome to 2025. We have a fantastic episode that was recorded a little while ago, and it was lost, but it has been found. I am very excited to present an episode, well, actually, I'm not presenting it, but I'm literally presenting it to you here, with Jake Lambert, a very funny man. He's here on the pod to tell us all his Desert Island Dicks choices. And you know what? I can't wait to hear them. Thank you for coming, Jake Lambert. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash

with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Jake Lambert. Hello, Jake. Hello, how are you? I'm fine, how are you? Good. We're just now doing a thing.

We might as well peek behind the curtain early. We've just been talking before we hit record about how you have to do like a, you have to sort of both sort of pretend and act like this is the start when obviously we've had an actual conversation. So then we just then looked at each other and realised we were doing that exact thing of having to then, as if we hadn't asked that before because also people say it sometimes in audiences of comedy they're like when when the act sort of when a compere brings an act on and they both sort of shake hands and say hello as though they haven't just been hanging out

backstage for an hour before the show oh so funny well okay now the curtain is dropped uh let's just sorry no no no it's good it's great i mean i've said it many times it's like it is just it's kind of awkward like i have to introduce the thing and then what do i say to you after that it's like what else do you what else could i say you know i did could you because when you said you're gonna do the intro i wasn't sure how long it was gonna be so i wasn't i thought is it gonna be like a he's done this he's done that and it's gonna be like an american thing and i'll just be like avoid an eye contact but it was i was in quickly what we will say for the listeners so you are getting reality we were talking about the fact that often with these things you'll have to send the answers in early so now james will be sat there

knowing my answers already but so you you know, this is real. James has no idea, which we were saying is much better, right? You just get to have an actual conversation rather than us sort of performing a play. Just to add to that is what I said to you before is sometimes it's nice to know. Sometimes it's nice to know because I don't want to feel like an idiot,

but I'll put that out there. Not an idiot, but I don't want to feel like, like I don't want to feel like um like i i don't know who everyone is that that is suggested on the podcast but why are we doing we're giving the full we're really giving an insight we're really baring our soul to the listener let's get let's get let's get on track i feel like jake what i want to know from you is you seem like such a nice guy oh how was it for you to put together your list of people and things for the desert island um that's that's a good question actually um it was it was therapeutic

i'd say because i've been thinking about it for a while and mulling it over because i think we were supposed to record before we couldn't right so we're supposed to do it last week so i've actually made changes over the week. Obviously, you'd love to come on here and be able to name actual people. And I've fantasized about just, you know, going for it and naming actual people, which is very tempting. But I haven't. So I've done the type of person. But I hope it does ring true with people.

Because I know that is the issue when people come on here and obviously there might be somebody in the industry who I would despise and I would love to be stuck on a desert island with. But obviously what might happen is I'll end up on a TV show with them and then this podcast is dug out and then suddenly I've got to explain myself. And there's been issues of that, of comedians sort of coming up who have openly tweeted about some celebrity or whatever they didn't like and then ended up working with them. And then somebody scurries away and goes and finds the tweet

and then you've suddenly got to explain yourself. Yes. So I'll keep it vague. But, you know, if people come to my tour show and and uh come up to me i will give them some names oh that's great okay well if that's not just go buy some tickets then uh then you know i don't know what it is um you'll have a queue of people at the back door like at the end of the show hey a cue's a cue okay um i'm really intrigued now so so you changed your list um did you do that based on things that have happened over the past week or yeah i think so yeah i think i actually did i think one of them uh yeah one of them i think

got added on yesterday oh wow okay okay uh well like without further ado i'd love to find out who's the first choice for the desert island lovely the first one i've gone for is um and i had to come up with a name to sort of try and group them and i hope this makes sense it is a twitter saviors okay yeah go on does headline, would that resonate with you at all? No, I think it makes sense. I might have to explain. No, yeah, please do explain. Yeah, yeah.

I don't use Twitter anymore. I've used it for years. And then one of these things is the reason I decided that I just can't do it anymore. I can't put up with the nonsense. And what happens is if something's going off, people will sort of anything and have any sort of opinion um to get retweets right yes so the biggest one i noticed recently was when elon musk was going to buy twitter and everybody for i'm sure it's just because they're bored but everybody just starts um jumping on this sort of bandwagon of being angry for some reason that Elon Musk is buying Twitter. And I remember I was coming back from a gig and I was looking at my phone.

It was just all this stuff about how much they're going to jump ship. And if he buys Twitter, I'm leaving. I'm going to go and join Mastodon. He's bought it and they're all still there. Yeah. So you just go, you didn't mean that at all did you you were just trying to get retweets that night because that was the thing and now you're all still there yeah and you're all you're not on mastodon or whatever wherever you were

gonna go yeah some terrible app that never worked yeah you're still here getting angry about the next thing to get retweets and be popular and it's just it's gross and then what happened was years ago um i don't even remember this there was a brilliant uh video of um this uh ballerina in africa and he was uh performing outside i think in the rain and it was incredible and what happened happened was all these sort of celebrities, people on Twitter started talking about, we should all chip in and bring him to like the London School of Ballet or whatever.

I don't know the names of them all. And someone was like, I'll pay for his thing in New York. Let's all chip in. I think quite big people were saying this. And then he came out and said, no, I'm at a brilliant school here in africa that's why i'm this good you just go what like if anything you've all just shown yourself to be so racist that you imagine that being in africa he must be like so struggling so much that we have to take him over to what are you talking about yeah this guy's

he's brilliant look at him he's clear how do you think he's got good the way they're carrying on it's like how has he gotten so good at ballet when he has to walk three miles for clean water every day do you know i mean that is that is the mentality exactly oh wow wow and they just completely showed themselves up and then i don't know if they just all quietly sort of deleted their uh tweets or whatever but it was just i remember watching karen do we even know this guy's we don't know anything about him all we've seen is this video of him performing and he's great and then he just went no i'm fine i don't know what you're talking about why are you all are you trying to get take me away from my home just to make yourselves feel good yeah i love it. I'm great at ballet.

I go to a great ballet school. It's brilliant. Do you know what? It's so funny. It's such a funny place. It's like it's become so wholly unnecessary, I think, now. And I lived in a kind of naivety where I was like, oh, yeah, we must post about the podcast on Twitter.

Like, that's the place to do it. And until someone kind of highlighted to me that you're just kind of screaming into a black hole and maybe no one will see that thing. That's it. And like stressing over Twitter. And all of a sudden it all kind of fell away for me. And I kind of like, like you said, you don't really use it anymore. I'm becoming more and more like just like like like you said you don't really use it anymore i'm becoming more and more like just feel like it's it's not that useful no that's it and when you remember

that every um tweet that somebody puts out they've put it out with the hope that it will go viral right yeah then you suddenly read them all completely differently they're not just treated they're thinking if there's a big show that everyone's talking about like the succession uh finale or something they're not just tweeting to give their opinion to their few followers they're hoping that this will go that there will be yes the the person who you know people say about you won twitter today or this one you go what's happening and i just i've been off it for months and honestly my like just any sort of wolf for one wasting time on the phones dropped off yeah and just frustrations at this just sort of emptiness it's just disappeared it definitely makes you happy just to get off twitter I mean

and that actually sorry that's such a I will come back to that when I when I list my next person okay okay about what I've just done oh interesting okay I'm come back to that when i when i list my next person okay okay about what i've just done oh interesting okay i'm looking forward to that so um while we're on twitter um one last thought around that is um i worked at a radio station and there was a like i worked with various presenters but like some of the presenters though that well they'll tweet their tweet about their shows and they'll tweet funny things and because they've got like presenters on a radio station they they would gather loads of followers really quickly and so they'd have this kind of following and what i noticed was right like not all but some of them were like kind of obsessed with finding the next

thing to tweet that would go viral and it was just like yeah that's a constant daily struggle and i imagine you had it like probably as a comedian you're looking for funny things to put out there to get your 300 400 a thousand retweets or whatever and you can't really go through your life just looking for things to fit into 140 characters it's that's annoying it's it's so dull and it just it all happening and then you just you realize that like prime minister's questions is happening at midday on a wednesday or whatever and everyone's like trying to be the one to like have the viral tweet off the back of it or news nights on i just it's

so boring yeah um and you just i also found i think my writing has got better being off of it because I'm not thinking about writing tweets now. I'm just thinking about what I want, and I'm not worried about what other people are talking about. I'm just talking about what I want to talk about. And then what I remember doing, this is February 2020, doing the Leicester Comedy Festival and asking the audience, oh, who here's on Twitter?

And I couldn't believe how few of them actually were and of course if you're on there and something's going like crazy on twitter you think that's the world so like i remember i was with um ramesh ranganathan last night and he was saying how he was at latitude and something he had done had gone viral because Lawrence Fox had started tweeting about him. So he was at Latitude and then his friend texts him saying, mate, are you all right? I think Rom talks about this on stage, so I won't say too much about it. But basically, Rom's not on Twitter anymore.

So everyone was going about him and he was just at a festival. He had no idea that was going on because that's not the real the real world no it's just so i just hate it and people do they think like that's the thing and i remember telling like being at the pub with my friends and telling them about something like did you not see it and they were like no it was all over twitter and i'm like what am i saying this is so stupid and then you can't believe that someone hasn't seen something because it was on this website i just i know honestly i know despise it i know i i'm slowly getting off of all social media so twitter's been removed from my phone um instagram i install and reinstall to post about the podcast and then uninstall it again as sad as that is wow but i'm slow yeah well it's just like i find myself just going to that place

where you're just like doom-scrolling 30-second comedy skits for most of the day or whatever else crap comes up. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Okay, sorry, I feel like I derailed you for a moment there. So Twitter saviours is going to be your first choice. Yeah, that'd just be a nightmare. You're on an island and you're just trying to survive yeah and just these people just trying to give their opinion on everything that's just to maybe if

there's obviously there's a few of us on the island so they might just be saying stuff to try and sort of be popular with the other two and not actually what's good for everybody so it'd just be a nightmare. Yeah, that's hellish. Okay, a good start. Thank you very much, Jake. And so who is going to be your second choice? My second choice would be people who are described as, and I think this is a known term,

so I think there's an advert about it, like Captain Obvious. You know the people that just say the most obvious statement as though it's like it's like wisdom and i did it before that's what i was talking about on the last bit i said um honestly get off tuition it's so much better for you like obviously it is that's such a nonsense thing to say because of course not spending and wasting your time on this app is obviously going to be better for you

so i sort of did it but they're people who will just they will pass something off as though it's their opinion but it's like it's the popular opinion so it just means nothing and then what's even worse is when there's other people around sort of being tricked by it and these people are sort of uh going oh yeah and you go what are you talking about like just somebody who will say like um you know they'll say oh for me christmas doesn't start until i hear fairy tale of new york yeah because i'll get when i hear that on the radio i know it's christmas and i'm like well yeah that's because that's when they play it on the radio like what are you talking about they're not gonna play it in july are they

so i've never thought about it like that it's so it's so good it's like saying when there's when there's a when there's a tree in the corner of my living room decorated and there's presents i think that's christmas isn't it yeah it's good do you know what this is something that must happen all of the time, but I just haven't paid enough attention to it until this moment. I feel like I'm going to notice this all the time now. Oh, it's so annoying. And there are people that go, there's nothing I love more than drinking like a cold beer on a hot day in a pub garden.

He's like, oh, tell me more, you maverick. Like as if that's not been happening for like centuries it's so true it's such a poppy like what do you mean like you're gonna go oh i'll try that next summer oh that's a great idea that is so when a hot day i go to a pub i don't sit inside the dark pub i sit in their garden and i don't drink a hot cup of tea right so i'm just getting this through my mind right right it's refreshing yeah yeah yeah that is brilliant it's so boring it's so and then the sort of person who go um you'll see them sometimes on a show like um uh first first date something

is that the one where they film their date? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you'll see them there and they're like, it will be some guy trying to show what a good guy is. And he'll be like, I love my mum. And you go, yeah, that's not a personality. That's like the default setting, isn't it? It's like a middleman.

I'd love it if somebody would go, I can't stand my mum. And you go, well, I i'm listening it just says like my mom makes the best roast dinner does she or is that the one that just you you've got used to the taste of and it reminds you of your childhood and it's your own mom so you have to say it because you've heard other people say it and now you're just repeating a thing that you have to say i remember this is an exact example of just sometimes what happens is these people will say this thing and if you sort of go against it you seem like you're the sort of yes that you're sort of being you're being contrarian for some reason yeah yeah yeah or like if they'll

say something and you go well yeah obviously and everyone's like all right chill out and i'm like but it's so obvious i don't know he's not like i remember once i was uh me and a another comedian were about to do a drive to a a gig together and there was going to be three of us on the drive and he got in first this guy and he was late which is another annoying thing he was late but he had gone to like prep and so he got in the car late with a coffee and so that's annoying enough but then he had some cashew nuts and he went to me uh do you want to do you want a cashew and i went nah i'm all right thanks and he went uh they're good for you like so do you think i don't know what a cashew is like what do you think i said no because i've just seen this new thing that i'm like no what the hell is that i'm like i've had i'm talking

about i just don't want a cashew it's never gonna go oh are they so i'll quickly have one that's just obvious things they say yeah and then you don't know what you're supposed to do with the information i don't know if this is them yeah yeah no i think this is great it's just um it's something that like i maybe have picked is great it's just um it's something that like I maybe have picked up on but like I think it's something that you've unlocked now that I'm just gonna constantly see and maybe judge people by when I hear it honestly it's so annoying it's so annoying I remember living with somebody in Edinburgh and uh I think they've been for a run or something and they were stretching and they were like uh do you um do you stretch and i was like yeah after i've exercised

i i stretch yeah and they're like yeah yeah you definitely need to stretch like yeah i i've just said i'd stretch i don't know what you want i don't know like it's so it's such an obvious thing to say it's like like yeah they've got pre preloaded that you're going to say no, and then they're going to go, oh, well, you need to stretch. But then once you say you do stretch, they're derailed. That's it, yeah. And then they just double down on it. Like, it's like if I just got a glass of water,

be like, do you want a glass of water? No, I'm all right, thanks. I go, you've got to drink water. It's honestly, it's amazing. You've not had water before. You can start playing them back in it but i don't want to be that person quick come over here like look it just comes out it's endless you know just it just comes out and that's that's just there and you can drink

that honestly it's just and it must have like it must be the type of person that goes in to learn like you know a mansplainer it's that sort of thing isn't it it's them who just you just say stuff that's so obvious or that you know and then you're like i don't know and there's so many times i've seen online of like um i think it's like somebody who maybe wrote like some thesis or paper on something or whatever i don't quite understand how it all works but they write a thesis on a thing. And then how they've been at a dinner party where some, obviously these people are like, so like, like what's the term? Like, I can't think of even the term, like readers.

What's the time for like really smart people? Intellectual. Intellectuals. There's like another, I can't even think what it it is but like this person's written this thesis or whatever and then some guy at dinner party has been trying to argue about their opinion and then used this lady's paper that she wrote and like cited it as like evidence as to why his opinion's correct and she's like that's literally my paper you're like yeah so i mean that's obviously another world i don't understand that's another whatever but i'm just like that must be like happening on such like higher levels as well but yeah so someone like that like i remember listening actually to um

i and i can't remember why i was doing this. And so I apologize in advance. Listening to like Joe Rogan's podcast. This is years ago. And somebody was saying about the fact of maybe about how like churches in England were built or something. Or how they did them, how they built them all. And he was like, Joe Rogan said, yeah. He said, but we can't ask the people who built it because everyone who was around when they built them are dead now. And I'm like, what is happening?

They've been dead for about a thousand years. And it was just silence after that. I was thinking, yeah, because the other person's probably thinking, what am I supposed to say to this? What can you say back to that? I think it was like Neil deGrasse Tyson as well it was that's wild just stuff like that oh honestly okay yeah so those those people that's a good choice that is a really strong choice it's just like on the desert island they'll be like you're burning to a crisp and they're like oh it's hot you should

probably get in some shade that's it yeah yeah yeah they'll be like um we're stuck on the desert island and then they go we could we could sort of try and swim to safety but if we're on land we can't drown you'd be like yeah i i don't know what you want me to do about information but that's exactly the sort of thing they would say and then you'd be like and then if you get annoyed someone else might go no he's just saying and i'm like but he's just saying that like like let's not let's not go and smack our heads against those rocks over there because we might fall unconscious and die of course yeah they'll like give a problem for something and then and the solution together

and then you go but there was no there didn't need to be a solution you came up with a mad problem just so yeah those people so i love that you said you're such a nice guy and then i'm like it's been like therapy and now i'm like absolutely losing my mind look the door's open now uh who's gonna be your third choice oh the floodgates yeah third choice are um and i think this would be a similar person which is why the two of them together would be a nightmare but it's like space invaders. You know, there's people who just cannot understand that they're in someone else's space. I had this, I was walking home and a guy crossed the street

and the other side of the street was perfectly clear. So was my side. He crossed the street. He had those big headphones on. He was talking on the phone. And he just sort of crossed it so close in front of me that i had to like stop walking so he didn't walk into me and then just carried a walk in and i was like it's like he did it it's like it's like if you saw like uh maybe like a gorilla or something do that in like the wild and you're

watching like a david attenborough thing you'd go oh that's like an alpha move that one was clearly trying to like show that like you know i'm just gonna like not touch you but enough that you had to change your direction and i'm the alpha one now and there'll be there'll just be next to you like maybe on the i had this yesterday i got on the tube and there were like four seats clear the other side and then there were four on the side i sat down on so i sat down and the guy came and sat directly next to me. And I'm like, there's six empty seats around us. Why is your arm now touching mine? Yes.

They have no awareness of other people. And you go, that must come through in everything in your life. Because if you can't even understand that you're just in someone else's space, you must just be a nightmare with everything. Imagine what these people are like when they're driving driving or just you know talking to a girl at the bar or because they were all they're just always guys that seems to do it or i assume they are or maybe like you know if if an attractive lady did that i'll be like oh wow she's clearly flirting so i just you know it's a good sound like supermodel comes and sits next to me on the tube i'm like wow what a move wow so maybe everyone does it but obviously that's just what would annoy me but um

yeah they're just and then so the idea that you're on an island and you know the idea you just want so much of your own space when you can get it just away from the group a little bit because obviously they'll be driving you mad and just the idea of somebody just you know you sat on the beach watching the sunset at least trying to enjoy one of the few things you can on the island and then this guy comes and sits next to you and he's like knees touching yours you're like how why how we're on an island and i would lose my mind yeah that'd be too much that would be me gone yeah i i know these i know these people or like my brother is like it he's got no awareness at all like i remember up, he'd come and sit next to me and it's just like, he'd just be like eating this dinner

and he's just like right there. And I'm like, there's a whole table here, man. Like why? That's it. I think I would notice, I'd be self-conscious enough to not be in your space, but it's just some people just don't, they just don't get it. They're just like, oh.

They don't get it. They're so in their own world that it's their world. And we're all just in the way. Yeah. Although we're literally talking about the fact that they're in our way, but they're like, they just, and then you end up being like next to them on a plane and you're like,

how is it me? Why do I always get this person? Why am I always the one that's next to them? Yeah. Just such disregard. I remember like being on the tube once as well when somebody sort of come and stood so close to me that i felt like saying to them sorry someone's already standing here like literally his like feet were like touching mine and it's not

even a busy train i'm like i can't understand what this is it's just like a power play yeah i don't understand so yeah oh that on an island would be an absolute number and if the plane had gone down i know that that guy would have been the guy i'd been sat next to anyway i'd have already been sat next to him he would have been invading my space and i would have been thinking i can't wait for this flight to be over i hope it goes quickly then it went too quickly then i wanted it to because it's crashed and then suddenly i'm stuck on a desert island with him with this guy and yeah he thinks you're best mates as well so he wants to be right by your side the whole time he was like we were next to each other on the plane we survived together so he's with you the entire way um yeah frustrating that's exactly it that's exactly the type of

person that would be like you know the universe has brought us together god yeah but yeah but that's a punishment for me it's the universe is punishing me for something but we've got an entire beach and your leg is literally on mine so please let's stop this is good, a good string of people I feel like you've created quite a frustrating island it's just constant frustration that was the brief wasn't it? I know you've nailed it, yeah I must say

imagine if I'd misunderstood and it was supposed to be like what would be my ideal desert island and they're like Jake's quite strange actually enjoys being angry it seems yeah um yeah but I think clearly I guess my pet peeve must be and my uh least favorites like setting for me to be in would be frustration I guess yeah and I like to make sure I'm I'm I like to be calm yes and I'm quite a calm person I enjoy being calm and happy so if somebody comes and disrupts that that's the worst thing yeah like I can't put up with it I remember even going to a friend's party and he had invited a friend that was like maybe his um his girlfriend's sister's partner and And he said to me the next day,

he was like, I felt like saying to you before you came to the party, you're going to absolutely hate this guy. And I did. And I couldn't stand him. And he was like, he just knew, he's like, that's the sort of person that Jake, I'll just go quiet and I'll just go,

I don't want to even be interacting with this person. And so my friends know exactly the type of person I just don't want to be around. That's so funny. Right. So they know this about you already this is like this yeah yeah right yeah and he likes the person he likes him so he's like oh we get on but i just know that you and him won't and he just knew so interesting they were like just that is the exact wrong match that's not gonna going to work. I love the idea that they didn't tell you and then sat back and just watched it unfold.

Watched you squirm as he spoke to you. Yeah, definitely. But also definitely the right thing to do because I would hate to like miss someone and go, by the way, you're going to hate this guy. And then they come in with the wrong energy. And then, you know, like, you know, sometimes you'll get like a couple turn up to a thing or like two friends turn up to something and you can just tell they've sort of they've wound themselves up before they've got somewhere yeah and they're already like ready to snap at something or think you're gonna say to and they sort of and you go oh i think you two have worked each other up into like

a state of frustration before you've arrived yeah and then you just you just you've turned up tense so i think i'd end up doing that. I'd be like, Oh God, I don't even want to like shake this guy's hand because someone's telling me I'm not going to like him. So it's, it's, there was the right thing to do,

but also for them, the right thing to do. And then probably the most enjoyment out of it for them just to go, yeah, let's just watch this absolute train wreck. As Jake, Jake realizes, I cannot stand this guy.

And they must've watched it happen. They must've just watched and gone, yep. And it was a Halloween party and he turned up as the Joker. And just the whole thing annoyed me. The whole thing annoyed me already, the outfit. Because he'd gone for the Joker. You know, it's quite a fun thing. But he was sort of greeting people in character.

No. Straight away. Yeah. Giant red flag. He'd gone for the Joker version of him in the nurse's outfit. Really? With the high heel. I was just like, so I was like, already.

As soon as i saw him i was like oh yeah sorry anyway so him he could be another one that's an honorable mention you're allowed you're allowed yeah yeah yeah well thank you very much jake now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad so the food would be um anything spicy a spice spicy food for one i just can't handle it i can't handle spicy food i took like even and i don't go that often but like if i go to like nando's i can't even have like the lemon and i have to go nothing like no flavor that one and so i can't have anything right and so you and you see their

sort of look on their face and you have to just sort of own it as you order it because it looks i know i know how it comes across almost like they're like why are you here and obviously i'm there because someone else enjoys it and i'm like i just can't do it i can't do spice anyway but what i can't stand is therefore this has come back to another type of person it's the people who make liking spicy food their personality yes yeah yeah yeah i agree yeah and you just go i i can't do it and so when i just own it and i say i can't do it i can't and they're like you just need to have some milk or you know you know, I don't want to have to have that. I want to just be able to enjoy the food. And so I don't enjoy, you know, like I've got maybe like a sweet tooth.

I like sweet things and other people might not like that. And I wouldn't be like, you just got to have it after savoury food and you realise it's really nice. But like, I just go, we have, we like different things. I cannot handle spice at all and that on a desert island which will be hot anyway oh my god i would i'd be honestly that would put me in such a terrible mood the heat on heat wouldn't be so good yeah especially if that's the only thing that you've got to eat and you just need something but you're just sat there and your

mouth's on fire um oh do you i can't believe And my face just goes so big and red and puff my eyes water. And I just. I would love to feel what the person who likes spicy food feels. Just to understand. Oh, right. That's why you're into it. That's what you get out of it. But I don't get that.

So I don't understand. And i understand i like things this is going to sound so left field and a bit strange but i like you know like um clothes pegs that you used to hang up washing yeah i love the feeling of them on my face so i like i clip them all i love it i love the feeling of it on my like skin like pinching away just to the point where it, but it doesn't hurt a crazy amount. It just feels good. But I completely understand that most people, and probably all the listeners, probably you right now are going, what on earth are you talking about?

I don't know what you're talking about. But I like the feeling of it. So I guess it's a similar thing to that, where maybe they sort of just enjoy the spice. They enjoy the pain because it's like a controlled thing. And so I like that i don't know why you know like those hair clips that girls have i think they're like crocodile oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah coming together like that with all like the fingers like those on your face pinched

away feels so good to me i don't know why how did you discover this have i shown too much of myself no it's fine it's fine how did you just how did you find this out i shown too much of myself no it's fine it's fine how did you just how did you find this out about yourself that's such a good question i've got no idea but i think i've done it ever since i was like young with my mum hanging up washing and me taking out like the wooden pegs and put my phone and just playing around and be like it just feels nice i don't know why that the pinchiness of it feels good i don't know why and maybe because i'm in complete control what what occasions are you doing this literally whenever i see one i see one of those pegs around it's going on my face that's amazing

so i'd love to see your edinburgh show posting year. It's just you, but you've just got as many pegs as possible that can fit on a human face. Oh, that's brilliant. Okay. Yeah. Well, the peg thing, that has taken it to a whole different place. Just to go back to the spice. Yeah, sorry about that.

No, no, no. I enjoyed it. And it probably is going to be, it'll probably be the social post because that is so interesting. I just like, I get it. I get it. I think we all, just not to make you feel weird, I think we all have little things like that.

Like certain things that like maybe are, would seem like abnormal to other people. Like what do I, oh, I really like those stones where you rub the hard bit skin off your feet oh right see that okay yeah i couldn't do that but go on well i don't need to say much more than that but i think for other people that's grotesque but i remember my mum had one on the side of the bathroom when i was a kid i just got it and i rubbed it on my feet and now even like at 35, I still like doing that.

There you go. There's my pegs, you know. Right. There you go. That's it. Yeah. And listeners, write in with, you know, what's your pegs? What's your pegs? Hashtag.

Hashtag what's your pegs. A spin-off podcast, what's your pegs? It's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. So just to go back to the spice right i'm really interested are you must have there must have been occasions where you figured this out because like spicy food is everywhere and you know you're in social occasions like when was it when you were much younger or like were you taken for a curry and you realized that that that it wasn't for you do you remember i don't remember an exact time.

I remember nightmares I've had where I've been out for dinner and ordered, you might know what this is. It's like a really spicy mayonnaise. Do you know this? Oh, a spicy mayonnaise. And I ordered calamari. Sriracha. Maybe it was that.

Maybe it was that. Yeah, yeah. And just trying it and then my mouth been on fire i was out with like some quite new friends that i'd met and then one of the girls there she was from sri lanka and she said oh that's yeah that's the spiciest blah blah whatever and i was like yes you're telling me like my face is red my eyes are watering and I'm like in pain and I just but I never knew when it started but I know my family don't really eat a lot of spicy stuff I don't I've never known my dad to be like I like spicy food so

I think growing up our food was quite sorry if my mom's listening bland but I like bland but a bit like you with the with the mom's stone on the foot yeah but you like what you grew up with and my mom you know would have wooden pegs around the house and bland food and here i am an adult who loves pegs on his face and eating chicken nuggets oh lovely okay all right spicy food great a great choice hellish for the rest of your days to have a hot spicy meal on a hot island and what what are you gonna be washing it down with what's your drink choice unfortunately for me um this was a choice between two one of them is coffee because i can't do coffee and i do but i do like the idea of it. I don't mind the flavor. It just gives me mouth ulcers,

which is the same as spicy food, actually. It's sort of, my mouth is so, there's so many things I can't have that give me mouth ulcers. So I've had to like cut so many things out of my diet to make sure I don't have them. Because growing up, I would have like two or three every week, like constantly. And it turns out it was like bananas give me them,

pineapple, coconut, crisps, because they cut my mouth. week like constantly and it turns out it was like bananas give me them pineapple coconut uh crisps because they cut my mouth so then i'm more prone to it spicy food and coffee which i wasn't having as a child but i found out when i was older so i had to cut loads of things out of my diet so that i could just like you know be because especially now i talk for a living and it's a nightmare if you can't you know if that if you've got an ulcer that's like, that would be, if you ask me what is the, I don't know, ailment or whatever, the worst thing on the island, it would be a mouth ulcer. So coffee, it couldn't be that. But the drink that I just wouldn't want there and I can't understand what it is and I don't understand it at all. So it would be kombucha.

Ah, yeah. Okay. Okay. understand it at all so it would be kombucha ah yeah okay okay i don't know what this thing is and someone says it's got like something living in it some sort of bacteria thing living in it i'm like i just i don't understand what's going on i don't understand where it's come from i just i've i've never even tasted a bit which i know is wrong i should at least try it i don't know i don't like really like fizzy drinks anyway like just i they never make me feel refreshed in any way whatsoever if anything they make me sort of feel guilty and sort of worse so i don't know is kombucha even even um fizzy i don't know no it's got a kind of it is it is fizzy ish but maybe just because it's got like live bacteria in it but i i have had it and i do have it sometimes but it's just more for me it's like i have water and

i have tea or coffee right if you ever want anything flavor like if i go out for lunch and i'm picking up something from the shop or whatever i've started getting it but it's become like a default setting and actually I was talking to someone about this the other day it's like it's not that it's like really good but it's marketed as like a healthy drink because it's meant to be good for your yeah or whatever um but right it's like it's like it's like um it's just something with flavor that is kind of slightly guilt-free because it's got no cal really like no calories in it and it's meant to be good for you so it's the kind of thing you push right when actually you if you think about it too much it kind of just tastes

like vinegar so i don't know okay you'd almost sold it to me until the last line but then again like i used to and there would have been a time if i was on this maybe a year ago wherever that you know the drink of choice or the type of person i'll describe i might have described somebody who like drank huel and been like what on earth is that but actually now i'm on the road so much you don't want to just eat a sandwich and keep eating bread all day so actually picking up a huer from a service station is actually really helpful to have like vanilla or banana huer or something and i can have the flavor of banana because i can't have actual bananas so there would so it's definitely hold my hands up and say there's a time when i would

have chosen huer and now i go actually really useful. So I might try a kombucha and go, oh God, I'm so embarrassed of my past self. Yeah. I mean, give it a go. I mean, it's not to say that I won't have it again. It's just, I feel like it's a minefield of when you buy like drinks from a services or like when you go out and get a lunch and you just want something with a bit of flavour and i really don't like those drinks that are just full of like um sweeteners and stuff so you don't want loads of sugar but if you get a coke zero it's just like yeah really full of sweetener and after a while you just get a headache yeah so i feel like as an alternative with something with a bit of flavor there's one i'd say there's one kombucha that i've tried

okay it's like a fiery fiery ginger one and that i would say is actually nice the rest i'd say 50 50 okay right i mean for someone who doesn't like spicy food fiery ginger doesn't seem like it's gonna be my best in i reckon i reckon it's probably not for you i'd say it's probably not for you. I'd say it's probably not for you. Yeah. I think me and kombucha, we're still clear of each other. As long as we don't invade each other's space, I don't mind.

What is it? So just to double back a little bit, what is it about kombucha that made you think that that was going to be your immediate choice? What made kombucha your... I don't know. I think because I just, I'm like you, i drink a lot of water and i drink tea and that's just that's that's my two drinks basically um i can't remember the last time there was a day where i didn't just have those two

as my drinks yeah like that's that will do me so i think it's just all this other stuff that i think people are searching for as you say something with a bit of flavor that you just want to be hydrated you just it's a drink so if you want flavor you know just eat something or like you know have a have an apple and then a glass of water like so like just all that stuff that i'm like it just confuses me i don't understand what it's for and then they say it's got this living bacteria thing in it and i'm like surely like we've survived for so many years without kombucha that surely what's what's just happened is this a marketing thing yeah i don't understand so it's just something that i'd it'd be a nightmare for me it'd be so annoying i just i just want a glass of water a cup of tea it's a good choice of a fiery ginger kombucha and hot

chili uh hot curry for the rest of your day. I mean, I'd waste away. There's nothing I could do. And then I couldn't even eat a coconut off the tree because it'd give me mouth ulcers or I can't eat bananas off the tree.

I'm screwed. Yeah. I'd have to go and hunt fish and then the captain obviously tell me not to drown or whatever. Yeah. It'd be a nightmare.

I'd rather drown, I think. That's it. Oh, it's good. It's good. It's a good choice. It's a good choice. Okay. captain obviously tell me not to drown or whatever yeah be a nightmare i'd rather drown i think that's oh it's good it's a good it's a good choice it's a good choice okay thank you very much jake now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work for just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why? Okay, so the least favourite film I'm going to go for, and it's sort of what it also represents, and it's, do you know the cartoon character Doug?

Yeah. It's Doug's first movie. Oh, okay. Have you seen this film? I'm sure I've seen this. Well, that's the thing. I'm sure I have. Exactly.

That would be, if anyone who's seen it would probably say the same thing because all it was was just an extended episode where you quite like doug i'll go and watch the film i say go watch the film i think obviously probably it was at home or on or something and then it's just one of those things where even as a child i was watching it and thinking this is just something i like over like 20 minutes but i'm now watching it for an hour and a half and it's offering me absolutely nothing and he's not even the best one he's he's below arthur and he's below hey arnold yes of like three sort of guy cartoon things you have and i loved hey arnold and i loved arthur

and doug i just don't know what it was about. It just didn't quite enjoy. And then the film and what it represents is when the TV show is popular and they make the film version and then you go, no, I would much rather be watching three episodes than an entire film. And they do it often with sitcoms. You know, the sitcom makes the film and then you go, actually this was better when it was just sort of on tv there's less pressure on it we're not all sat in a cinema we haven't paid

to come and watch this and then half an hour in gone well that's my attention gone and it turns out all these characters work better in half an hour so that sort of thing. But I remember as a child watching Doug and thinking that was my first ever time that I noticed that like a film was bad. You know, as a child, you're just happy there's a cartoon on or something. You're just sort of watching something you quite like, I guess. And then that was on and I was like, this is bad. This is a bad film. And that being there would be so typical. Like, oh, probably the first film I ever decided I didn't like.

Yeah. Like, even, you know, going back to my mum and the things you like when you're growing up, but, like, my mum would watch, like, Brief Encounter and, like, black and white films. Yeah. But now if I'm ill i'll check on brief encounter i love it so i would definitely that i'd even been happy just to watch like an old black and white film that i didn't even understand what was going on then i would have doug's first movie i don't even know if doug made a second movie but they called it doug's first movie

probably because they didn't want to just call it doug the movie because that's what they all do and they tried to be different and they put more thought into the title than they did into the entire film oh wow cutting I feel like there's part as a child you just want to enjoy films you don't want to have like it's a real like um it's quite a disappointing moment in a way when you start to scrutinize yes like what you're watching and and it starts to suck the joy out of it a little bit yeah and the fact that doug did that to you in in his first movie it's just sad it's a sad thing to think i never forgive him so that's it for me you became first movie sorry to make you sad it because it makes you a bit more critical and what's that

how does that over how does that spill into the rest of your life? Exactly. That's a slippery slope. Doug's first movie. I remember watching all of that stuff. So Doug, what would Doug have been on? Disney Channel? I don't know.

I don't even know where it was on. It was just sort of one of those other ones that was on, I think. When Hey Arnold wasn't on, you watched Doug. Okay. Great film choice. What's going to be your song choice? This song was on, I think, when Hey Arnold wasn't on. You watched Doug. Okay, great film choice. What's going to be your song choice? This song, again, I think similar to Doug, I remember hearing this song, it was the first time I was like,

I don't like this song. And it was, do you know what? I should have actually done this as some sort of prep, but I don't actually know what it's called. It's by Kelis, but it's not Milkshake. It's the other one, Trick Me. Trick Me. How does that go? You know this one?

You trick me once, but you're not going to trick me twice. That one. And I think that's it. The floor is like maybe got arrows going around on it or something. For some reason, I just cannot like that song. I don't know why i i like milkshake i like her she's never done anything wrong in my eyes i don't think that i don't even know anything about her to be honest and i've said that but i don't think she's anything wrong i think she's a

nice person milkshake's good fun that song i just can't like it i just find it so boring and i i can't i don't think i've ever even managed to listen to it the whole way through because i'd always turn it over if it was on on the radio and i'd certainly never play it now out of choice so i can't imagine i've ever heard it the whole way through unless maybe i'm when i was like in a club but then again not sure that would really get played and if it does you're in a club they never actually play the full song anyway did it so i probably never heard it and i think hearing it just once through the whole way would be enough to drive me insane anyway so i was gonna go for like i'm not at all into like techno or rave music it's just

not because it's not to do anything to do with my like lifestyle or anything like that so i've never appreciated it but i didn't go for that because I thought, actually, I imagine if you're on a desert island, you're going a bit loopy, the sun is setting and you play some rave music, might actually probably help a bit. I imagine I'd actually probably find, I'd probably fall in love with it. Whereas when you put on Kalee's Trip Me

and it goes... Oh, that's it. Is that it? Yeah. I don't know why it never kicks in the song never really gets going as I say it might do and I've never given it the time but for me that would be it could do with another part I think it could do with another part and I feel like it doesn't really go anywhere it's kind of if one is if one is like lowest energy and 10 is is too fast it all it sits about five nothing really happens do you mean it's just yes yes why is it there why is it there so middle of the road

yeah and also if that's your follow-up to milkshake like surely yeah surely you need to be stepping up you know he's got up the beat is so good it's and it's so in it just happens the song is off you're off you've taken off it's brilliant oh so disappointing maybe that was what did it maybe that's why i don't like it maybe it's the contrast yeah because a milkshake is an iconic song and then to have something so lackluster to follow up is yeah yes yeah yeah yeah that's exactly it didn't put the f in okay a good choice thank you very much um finally the island and finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why so i was gonna go for spiders because i absolutely despise spiders i hate them and um i can never deal with them um i have a cat and he's

good at dealing with them and that which is amazing um but i can't stand them but i had a dream on um when would it have been i think it must have been friday night i was staying away in a hotel and i woke up in the night because um i dreamt that a snake was coming at me and i woke up and then i was like well i'm not at home so how do i know that there's not a snake around here how do i know one's not come up the toilet or whatever? So I was like, lights on at like four o'clock in the morning, checking absolutely everywhere. And I just hate the idea of a snake because a spider, I do hate them.

But, you know, poisonous ones obviously can bite you and it would be horrific to see something like a tarantula or any spider, to be honest, like near you. But the snake, the fact that it could have you ever heard that story of the lady who had the pet snake and she woke up in the night and it was laying next to her in bed and then she picks it up and puts it back in the tank and then she goes uh the next night she sort of wakes up and the snake keeps getting into bed with her and she's like putting it back and it's the snake she's had wakes up and the snake keeps getting into bed with her. And she's like putting it back. And it's a snake she's had for years. And then she goes to like a vet or something.

And the vet says, the snake is sizing you up to see if it's big enough to be able to eat you now. Wow. And so like that sort of. That's horrible. I must've heard that when I was younger and it's just obviously psyched me out so much that I just hate them.

I just, and I've been to Australia and i've seen like there was a tiger snake crossed the path in front of us when we were like in the middle of nowhere if you're in melbourne you can go down to like the i think it's like you'd call it like the peninsula is a thing called um gunner's point and it's where they were during the war in case any boats came in that they would all they're ready to fire at them we're walking there so it's where they were during the war in case any boats came in that they were all there ready to fire at them. We're walking there. So it's now derelict.

It's this whole sort of barracks place. That was definitely not the right term. But we were walking there and it's tiger snake, which I think is one of the most poisonous. It could take up the entire path in front of us just width-wise. And you can't do anything. And if that turns and decides to come snaking towards us you can't outrun it like what you can't grab a tree you can't do anything and have you ever seen when they go across like the top of the

water like oh horrible honestly honest i'm absolutely terrified of them terror i said that would be and because a spider you feel like you could deal with you could put something over the spider and it's probably locked away right so you could probably deal with the spider but a snake and not knowing where it is and it coming along the sand at you or whatever you get into the sea and it's following you oh my god that'd be an absolute nightmare so you pick it up by its tail swing it around and launch it to the sea and it just skims its way back just comes straight back at you again, even faster. And now we've like, I was going to say more venom, but that's confusing to say when it's probably got venom.

So just with more anger. Oh, my God. God. No, no, no, no, no. And you can never sleep. You can never sleep because you'd be worried that it's just going to start making its way around your neck. Oh, my God. Snake.

Jake, I realise that we've only just met but um i'd like to ask at what point in your career do you feel like you're eligible for um i'm a celebrity because now then um you were a prime candidate Oh, my God. If anyone producing that show hears this, you are the ideal person to get on that. Oh, God. Just the idea of that. Honestly, I don't think I could sleep. I don't think I would comfortably be able to sleep in the hammock thing.

And I wouldn't do any of the challenges. Well, you said you wouldn't be able to sleep. What you didn't say is I wouldn't go on the jungle that's true which means you're open to it well i don't want to say anything about it in case in case i do cut to me in it and then this podcast goes out so let's see imagine if i was like had to keep quiet because i know i'm in the next series i'm just not i'm like not saying anything but now i am yeah oh god honestly that i think that would be for me maybe that would be the the toughest show i could do no actually that s you know that sas one they do oh yeah yeah and zoe lions went on it and she told me she actually got trench foot on it so it's real like there's oh, it's for the cameras.

People just suffer on that. It sounds like hell. I couldn't have those people shouting in my face, shoving me about the place. Just like, oh, I'd break immediately. Literally, Captain Obvious Space Invaders is exactly who they are. I bet they love spicy food, all that nonsense. Yeah, they do.

I'm not doing it. doing it okay so snakes over on my snakes jake this is great i feel like you've created your own personal island hell perfectly thank you so much um jake you're busy it seems like you're a busy guy what have you got going on at the minute what have you got coming up um i'm off to um tomorrow i'm off to denmark um this is gonna sound crazy but i think yeah so tomorrow i'm in performing at a place called alborg in alborg and then the next night i'm in copenhagen then i'm in stravanger in Norway. And then I'm in Oslo in Norway. And then I'm sort of quieting down for Christmas. So I'm supporting, I should say, I'm supporting Michael McIntyre on tour at the minute.

So that's all with him. That's where we're going. And then my tour starts in March. So I'm supporting Michael through till next, well, into next year. So my tour and Michael's will be happening at the same time so I'll be sort of doing my show one night then go in to support him the next night so it's basically that for the next year and then into the jungle hopefully I mean I would I mean I'd pay to watch that i haven't known what you just told me but um oh right yeah great so if people want if people want to find out what's the best way to

find out about your tour dates and stuff go on to your instagram on my website um jakelambertcomedy.com instagram at jakelambertcomedy um at twitter as you as you say, you know, there's a page there, but I'm not using it. I'm nowhere near it. So there you go, and I'll be around. And we're adding more dates as well. So if there's somebody or somewhere not on there, then they can comment under the post that's pinned on Instagram.

I did say, like, comment where you want me to go, and we're adding more dates. Yeah, get onto Jake's website. Have a look post that's pinned on Instagram. I did say, like, comment where you want me to go. We're adding more dates. Yeah. Get onto Jake's website. Have a look where he's performing near you. And get yourself some tickets for the new year. Thank you very much for coming on, Jake. Oh, thanks for having me.

I really enjoyed it. Thanks, mate. Bye.