Desert Island Dicks - JAKE YAPP

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

FIRST DICKS OF 2019! My guest for this week's podcast is comedian and writer, Jake Yapp. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to the very first Desert Island Dicks of 2019. This is the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today, I'm very excited to introduce my guest comedian and writer jake yap hi hello hi thanks for coming in thanks very much for having me um it's quite a nerve-wracking thing this yeah because i that i i sort of had a reputation i mean i don't have a reputation at all no one knows who i am but so thank you for the uh exposure but

um for a while i was sort of notorious for being really horrible about things. Basically just, I worked on Nevermind the Buzzcocks as a writer for three series. And I felt like you were just basically trying to come up with a hundred different ways to say something was shit. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yes, yeah. And so I went from that and then I did these pieces for Charlie Brooker where I was doing these sort of takedowns of shows in two minutes.

I remember, yeah, yeah. And it just makes me seem like this bile filled bastard and i'm i'm not really no i'm also a coward so like the idea of sort of nailing my colors to the mast here and saying these people are dead yeah it's quite daunting okay if i snap into the fetal position at any point if you need a moment, that's absolutely fine. Okay, so let's dive in. Who's going to be your first choice? See, this feels harsh, man.

To some, a hero. I'm going with Nick Knowles. Nick Knowles. I don't think we've had a Nick Knowles. Have you not? No. Please, fill me in. Well, I mean, yeah, wow.

I mean, he's... I just don't buy it. What you see on screen is just a chilled out entertainer. Very David Brentian. Yes. I don't know if you watched last year, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. But his performance on that was stunningly like David Brent. Yes.

Particularly when he learned that his song had gone to number one. He did that whole kind of, oh, just, you know, those bits in The Office where Ricky Gervais, he'd sort of just walk into shot going, oh, just trying to remember who it was one paper motion of the year. Yeah. Oh, it was me. It was that sort of, oh, just trying to remember how that song goes. I won't do it because then you you have to pay a loyalty or something but um so uh i i i don't buy it everyone's like oh he's just

the nicest man in the whole wide world and i just i'm i'm looking and i'm thinking i don't want to be his runner no that's pure speculation i would not want to be his runner interesting you know what i mean i feel like there's a whole kind of uh can we get the coffee please okay you know what i mean immediately yeah i've asked five times now okay it's just a coffee go and get it i i feel like you get that's what's gonna there are some people you look at and you sort of think i i just don't okay you're on screen persona. I'm not buying. And this is total speculation. No, yeah, of course.

He probably is the nicest guy in the world. And I probably am the dick in question here. I mean, enough DIY SOS will break you, I think. He's been doing that for a long time. Well, here's the thing. He's sort of slid under the radar. Ah. A lot.

Yes. Like, I don't know if this is still true, but I think it has been true for years. For a certain number of Thursdays. Right.

In any given year. Okay. He's on BBC One three times in one day. Really? Is that with his quiz show as well?

He does a quiz show. Yeah. And then he does a show about like traffic police. And then he does a show about like traffic police. And then he does DIY SOS in the evening. It's like steady on. Like you're a wonderful presenter, but I'm not sure we need three shows. In one day.

In one day. On the flagship TV station of the country. The station that takes something like 42% of the licence fee. That one channel. It's a lot of money. And it's all Nick Knowles on a Thursday. And it's all going on Nick Knowles on a Thursday. And I feel like it's...

Surely you could find someone... I'm not saying he's not good. I am saying he's not good. He's fine. He's just sort of... He's kind of inert. He's like nitrogen in the atmosphere. It's just a presence that you don't really feel or not. He's fine. He's just sort of... He's kind of inert. He's like nitrogen in the atmosphere. Like, it's just a presence that you don't really feel or use.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've caught that quiz show. And it's him just going through the motions every time. And I mean... He's not expending many calories of effort there. And I feel like that's the thing is, if I was Prince Harry, who's just a bloody top lad, top bloody lad, I'm sure I'd get the full kind of, oh, mate, how's it going?

Oh, you all right? Oh, great to see you. You'd get that. If I walked into the room and he wouldn't have any idea who I was, he'd be like, you all right? I think you'd get that. Do you know what I mean? Yes, yes.

I'm with you, yeah. And then you come on to the music And I mean, come on I don't buy into this story Have you heard the story behind the music? So the story is like Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

It was on a roof Like in a rooftop thing And it was Biffy Claro Yeah Just jamming Just jamming We just jammed And they were like

Hey, you should do this, Nick Yeah What? Me? Hero? Shut up That's not for me to say. Yeah, he...

And then Biffy Clyro sort of disavowed that. They did that. Oh, did you not hear about that? No. So he told that story on I'm a Celebrity. Biffy Clyro, I think it was the drummer, was interviewed. And he said, well, we were told that Nick Knowles had a bottle of champagne waiting for us up on the roof. So we kind of all went up.

I think there was a guitar there. I don't think I could say any more to it than that in terms of how musical it was. Really? Yeah. So, I mean, obviously, Google the fuck out of that before you put it in. I'm pretty sure. And so and then Nick Knowles did this whole kind of... I expect it was their management

told them to distance themselves from me. I get that. I get it. And it's like... It's still that kind of... I understand. Number one? Us musicians, you know.

Us musician types. That doesn't make me cool. This guy, legend never. Yeah, it's not for me to say. I just, it just feels phony. You know, there are some people where you can look at them and you kind of go, I think you're right. Because I don't want people to think that I just, this is a universal contempt and hatred of these people. For example, Ben Shepard.

Now, I love Ben. No, don't you go drawing air in through your teeth like that young man Ben Shepard I love Ben Shepard

he's he's dreamy I mean he's beautiful he's inescapably beautiful but he's hang on

he's probably one of the country's leading journalists unflinchingly asking the questions that people want to

know the answers to of top politicians. Is he? Yes. When? And I like Tipping Point. No, Tipping Point. Now, he is going through the motions.

But he's tired, man. He's been up since four in the morning. Every episode, it's like, I came up with this format and I have to keep doing it, but I don't want to do it anymore. It's actually a very wry play on words. The whole thing is building up to finding

Ben Shepard's tipping point. The moment when he finally flips and says, you moron! It's Greece! Corsair's in Greece! It's not a lettuce! The questions on Tipping Point are amazing.

What is bread? For three coins. It's not a lettuce. The questions on Tipping Point are amazing. What is bread? What is bread? For three coins. For three coins, yeah. For food, that's correct. No, I loved it, and I do love it, because I think people will think that I'm doing that sort of tongue-in-cheek thing. I actually genuinely adore Ben Shepard,

and he looks like a really nice man. Like, I buy it. When I see his persona, and he's a little bit mischievous and a little bit waspish occasionally, I like all of that, and I believe all of that. With Nick Knowles, I don't really like him. No, no. There's pain behind those eyes. There is pain. I mean, that's why

it's harsh to come here. I know. Sorry, I didn't mean to. You know what I mean? But I feel like, well, you know, get some therapy. Maybe you know, just stop standing in front of people actually doing things for a bit. And do something. And actually do something. Yeah.

Okay. And musically, his album was, like all those musicians, whoever his musical director was, it's lovely. Is it? It's just that then you've got some guy literally belching a lyric on top of it. Is it his own compositions or is it covers? No, it's all covers. It is. And he went to number one with a covers album.

Was that what happened? His album, his single. Or was it a single? Sorry. I went to number one. But his album was called Every Kind of People, which is a cover by... Robert Palmer. Robert Palmer.

Yeah. Because he said that to him, he suddenly realised how important, you know, how central that song was to his world vision, you know, because it's just people at the end of the day, isn't it? And they're all brilliant. I'm just any bloke, really. Yeah.

Honestly, mate, I don't see colour. I don't, you know, ability. What's that? This is all conjecture. This is all speculation. Like, I do not know anything about this man. But it's like, just turn it down dude okay nick knowles it's gonna be first choice yeah i'll stop there no go on no no i just feel like you get certain

people in the world pop stars actually very often the ones who who achieve huge fame really young people like cilla black or lulu right, right? They sort of end up going, well, if you work hard, you could have everything I've got. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're sort of in Arrested Development there from when you were 17 and got spotted. It's not like that for normal people

working in a pea-podding factory. Yeah. Yeah, pea-podding. But anyway, all of that speculation, and I'm sorry, and he's probably lovely. Oh, sorry Nick. Okay. Nick Knowles is going to be a first choice. Jake, who's going to be a second choice? I'm going to ramp it up

quite a notch. Are you? Yeah. Because I sort of felt like, well, I need to find after that because I don't know if he's worthy. I thought I need to get someone who is palpably worthy of the title of Dick. Okay.

And this one, I'm totally unabashed. Okay. And that is Christopher Chope MP. Christopher Chope MP. Okay. I'm going to lay my cards on the table. I don't know who Christopher Chope MP is. Please fill me in.

I'm delighted to fill you in. I'm just going to pick out the salient points from his Wikipedia page. Okay. Right. It's Sir Christopher Robert Chope, OBE MP. out the salient points from his wikipedia page right it's uh sir christopher robert chope obe mp so he's he's a barrister and he's a conservative politician um huge uh brexit advocate he's a member of a supporter of leave means leave which is a really hardcore pro-brexit that's not what makes let me just pro-brexit people that's not what makes him a dick. I'm just, I'm starting, right?

So he's 71. And I don't know quite what's going on with him. So he was, he got an OBE in 1982 for services to local government. And he was promoted by Margaret Thatcher to serve in her government in the 80s. And he was the guy who steered through the community charge, which was also known as the poll tax. You're adorable, but you're 15. It was a thing in the 80s. And it was a big problem.

This new tax they brought in and people felt it was very unfair. Yeah, I know about the whole tax riot. Exactly. It was a huge uproar. He's responsible for the destruction of several McDonald's. You know what I mean? Okay, yeah.

He did that. He wheeled this one out. Okay, yeah. It gets better. Okay, please. Much better. So then, more recently, do you remember the expenses scandal of 2009?

Yes. Right. He claimed, Christopher Chope, MP, claimed £136,992 in one year, 2007 to 8. This included claiming £881 to repair a sofa. What? Now, they haven't said anything about what happened to that sofa or who did what on it. But I went down DSS because dog been sick down my sofa. They didn't even get me emergency payment.

Anyway. What is it? What 800? What sofa does he have that it costs 800 odd pounds to repair this sofa? Yeah, my sofa is not worth 880. Leave his mind. Yeah. On the 11th of October 2011,

Chope questioned the time allotted to a debate on MPs' pensions. That's MPs' pensions. His pension. Because this debate came before a debate into the Hillsborough disaster inquiry, it was reported that Chope had threatened to delay the inquiry, leading to widespread criticism of Choke's actions. So there he is saying, I don't care about these people who died in Hillsborough.

Yeah. Let's sort out my pension. Wow. Okay. Let's move on. What a nice guy. I know. He was criticised in January 2013

for referring to House of Commons dining room staff as servants. Oh. In a speech. Wow. And five years later, was appointed a night bachelor in the 2018 New Year's a speech. Wow. And five years later, was appointed a night bachelor in the 2018 New Year's Honours. Wow.

There you go. Let's go on. In 2009, he co-sponsored an employment opportunities bill to the House of Commons, which would have enabled workers to opt out of the minimum wage. Oh. We don't want all this minimum wage nonsense, do we? We don't want basic human rights.

He's sceptical of climate change and attended a meeting of climate change sceptics in the Palace of Webster in October 2010. Good times. I bet that's a fun party. That's going to be a great party. Imagine the person organising the party for climate change sceptics. Yeah, we're doing a barbecue.

The meat is somewhat saturated with the burning tyre smoke. Yeah. But, yeah, enjoy. So, he voted against the legislation for same-sex marriage in 2013. He voted against requiring all companies with more than 250 employees to declare the gap in pay between the average male and average female salaries.

And he wanted to do an alternative Queen's speech. This was in 2013. He was trying to talk about what a future conservative government might deliver. And they had 42 policies on this list, including reintroducing the death penalty. No, really? Yeah. And conscription, i.e. putting you in the army whether you want to be or not. The privatisation of the BBC, banning the burqa in public places,

holding a referendum on same-sex marriage and preparing to leave the European Union. Wow. Yeah. Oh my god. And he wanted an alternative Queen speech where they announce all of that. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's pretty fantastic. He's tabled a

lot of bills with one other guy called Peter Bone. I mean, you're already well on the way to dig with a name like that um he's notorious for blocking and filibustering right so this is where you talk until the session has run out and and no longer people can't vote anymore because it's sort of expired right he objects to private members bills uh so because he he thinks that uh they haven't had enough scrutiny even if they've got huge support publicly or within parliament okay so for example in 2013 he objected to the second reading of the alan turing statutory pardon bill in the House of Commons. Right.

I, you know Alan Turing, so he was this amazing guy. He invented computers and he was gay and he went to prison for it. He was found guilty of it. He hadn't been officially pardoned. Okay. He blocked his pardon. Oh my God. In the end, the government had to do it

under the royal prerogative of mercy. He blocked a bill in 2014 that would have banned the use of wild animals in circus performances. In the same month, he filibustered a bill intended to make revenge evictions an offence. OK. He filibustered a private member's bill that would have placed restrictions on hospital parking charges for carers. And let's come on to 2018. He blocked, this is the sort of famous one, he blocked the passage of a private member's bill that would have made upskirting an offence. Why is he doing these things?

Why is he trying to stop all these things happening? So because he's a dick and I am not afraid to say that of him. The man is wildfire in the dick community. He's so hot right now in the dick world. He says that it's all about, these aren't bills. This isn't about legislation. This is virtue signaling. So he thinks that this is just cute laws.

People who have been violated by these things sort of feel quite acute. And let's come on to the biggest one of all, shall we? Let's come on to the biggest one of all. Never mind that he didn't want to give extra legal protection to police dogs and horses. Never mind that. Never mind that he wanted to stop women MPs

using the House of Commons to mark the centenary of women's suffrage in the United Kingdom. Never mind that. Never mind that. Let's look at the 23rd of November 2018. Okay. CHOPE objected to a bill which would have amended the Children Act 1989

in order to increase the protective power of courts over girls at risk of female genital mutilation. Oh, my God. Really? Which I think is a very short-sighted move because he's one of the biggest female genitals out there and he's asking for mutilation. That man is categorically a dick. I'm quite happy to just publicly say how much of a dick that man is categorically a dick. I'm quite happy to just publicly say how much of a dick that man is. That is...

It kind of makes Nick Nolse, you know what I mean? I'm quite pleased I've gone this far in my life without knowing who he is, but now I know I'm very aware of who he is. But that is ridiculous. Yeah. Like, why is he doing these things? And it's just unbelievable. I know.

He's getting off on stopping these things happening quite clearly. And it's a bit like, what's the point? I do think that with him, there is absolutely this kind of sort of sadistic. You know, you get those people who sort of say i once met someone who said um i was it's a long story but he he basically after i'd spent several days with him he sort of said well i'll just like i like pushing people's buttons i like winding them up i just thought why well why do you want to do that what's that for why what pleasure can you get out of seeing someone else distressed agitated or angry like how does that? What's that for? Why? What pleasure can you get out of seeing someone else

distressed, agitated or angry? Like, how does that even, what's the mechanism in your head that pays your brain a dividend from that? And I think that Christopher Chope is one, he's just got some funny wiring in there. Funny, funny wiring. That is one of the most, like,

genuinely dickish people that have been put on the island. Oh, I'm so proud it is because that is so justified it's like it's not even like quite often you know for example

like your Nick Knowles choice you kind of win and you're like okay I'm gonna do this but it's very borderline but it's like

that is just out and out yeah and he needs to be on a desert island oh absolutely the man needs to be marooned yeah on his own. For sure. And

never brought back. Christopher Chope, MP. Holy moly. People of, I think, Southampton, please stop voting for him. I understand you want to vote Conservative, that's fine, but not that one. Please not that one.

Pick someone else. Great. Okay. Christopher Chope, MP, is going to be a second choice. Yeah. Please not that one. Pick someone else. Okay. Great. Okay. Christopher Chope, MP, is going to be a second choice. Thank you very much, Jake. And who's going to be a third choice? Well, this is like a parabolic curve. Okay.

I'm swooping right back down, and there is absolutely no substantiation for this one. Okay. Okay. Fine. So I am sorry. Okay. It's Alexander Armstrong. Is it? Which is awful. It's Alexander Armstrong. Is it?

Which is awful. It's not legitimate. There's nothing legitimate about this. But it's like you need a palate cleanser after Christopher Chokman. You do, yeah.

Alexander Armstrong, I'm sure, will never hear this because he's got far better things to do. But if by any chance anyone who knew him was listening,

he's not a dick. He's not a dick. But I was sort of slightly... Look, he's the modern Des O'Connor. The modern Des O'Connor. But he's not a dick. He's not a dick. But I was sort of slightly... Look, he's the modern Des O'Connor. The modern Des O'Connor. And I'm sorry, but you are going to have to take that one. You know what I mean? Like, there are limits.

Yeah, okay. I don't fully understand, right? So you're part of one of Britain's most successful comedy duos, right? Armstrong and Miller. Brilliant. Brilliant. Really brilliant. Start doing a few ads

ka-ching it's fine we'll look the other way we'll get it you want to pay your mortgage off fine then Miller

goes off and does things like directing episodes of Steve Coogan's show what was the one which one he's like a roadie he's an ex-roadie

oh Saxondale Saxondale yeah yeah he starts doing some really nice prestigious kind of comedy things and writing stuff and, you know, good things

and acting in some quite prestigious things and Alexander Armstrong hosts Pointless Now, that's fine You can do that but you're slightly delegitimising yourself as a comedian, that's fine. You can do that, but you're slightly delegitimising yourself

as a comedian. And that's okay. If you're like, do you know what? I don't want to work that hard. It's too hard. I don't want to do that. I forget he's even a comedian.

Right. Right? Now he's just the guy that does pointless. He's a that. Yeah. He's that. He's that.

Oh, it's that. Alexander Robinson. And here's the thing i know people have worked with him okay and everybody says he is ineffably lovely oh you couldn't f him if you tried like he's ineffable like he's he's lovely so i feel like a proper little shit bucket saying this you know he's lovely i slightly wonder you know so i have my suspicions about nick knowles right no no he is oh he is genuinely lovely like if you meet him you'll be like god he was charming right but i would sort of argue you you can afford to be you know

what i mean like if i had that kind of money i would i would for late on request anyone who asked you know what i mean like because why not life's so good right my so what so what so where am i where are you going with this dick thing right how am i applying dickery to alexander yeah and i am clutching at straws but what i the only thing i've got really is like you've got pointless right that's a cash cow oh yeah is this celebrity pointless blah blah you've got all of that then if you want to you know shift some tickets you've got your music stuff ah yes he does music as well of course he does yeah as well and I'll look the other way although yeah although I might have to take exception to you doing an hour long basically advert on Sky Arts, a notional documentary about your album.

It's something we did. With Katie Derham interviewing him. Right. And, you know, it's cool. You want to make an album. Christmas is coming. There's a lot of grannies out there who watch Pointless. I get it.

Yeah. That's cool. Cash in. coming there's a lot of grannies out there who watch pointless i get it yeah that's cool cash in yeah don't ask me to swoon at the majesty yes of your musical nuance yeah right don't have some self-awareness sure be like shane ritchie go on strictly it takes to sing a nice song have a good time don't stand in the studio eyes closed doing a sting song it's a sting song right it's a nice one fields of gold it's a nice one but don't close your eyes and slowly shake your head and then start conducting yeah just swirling the hand gently conduct don't do that and don't talk for an hour on sky arts about saying he said something like i just wanted

people to to go wow you know this is a really this guy knows his stuff musically you know i'm like no no no this is a tesco album for grannies like let's be clear yeah don't get don't take the money i'll look the other way but don't then ask me to worship you, right? Because you can't have both. You can't have critical acclaim and the money, right? Yes. That's an overreach. Yeah. Sorry.

Know yourself. Right. Right. So even that, even that, I could get past. But, dude, you're the show on Classic FM. You do Pointless. You do Pointless. You do the albums. You're the voice of Hey Dougie on CBBC. Yes, he is, yeah.

And Danger Mouse. Is he Danger Mouse? Yeah, on CBBC, right? And who knows what else? Voiceovers galore all over the shop. All I'm saying is, that voiceover on Danger Mouse

or Hey Dougie, that one job will easily feed a family of four. You know? Some jobbing actor that will feed a family of four. Now I get it. Maybe you're thinking I'm just going to rake this in while I can. I get that thing with stardom that you

got to make hay while the sun's shining. Yeah. But, dude, it's not even cigar money to you. Yeah. But it would feed a family of four. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that... Have I gone too far?

No, let someone else have a go. No, I think it's fine. Am I a terrible person? I have an Alexander Armstrong story. Do you? Yes, I do. Was he lovely? Oh, he's lovely.

I've not met him. Right. He has his own bespoke tea blend made for him. Do you? Yes, I do. Was he lovely? Oh, he's lovely. I've not met him. Right. He has his own bespoke tea blend made for him. Does he? Yeah, I read it in a magazine article. He said, it's completely delicious and I wouldn't drink anything else. I'm like, alright.

Can you buy it in shops? No. No. It's bespoke. It's made just for him. What? Yes. But how do you even figure that out? This guy's serious money. And he was serious money before he started. So stop. Yeah, do you even figure that out serious money like and he was serious money before he started so stop yeah do you think because everyone goes oh he works so hard he's honestly zander and that's a red flag zander works so hard i'm like really because i work quite hard yeah yeah but i'm i'm sure i'm happy to go mano a mano yeah see what it's like doing your own music

reporting for your tv shows yes what's that feel like yeah anyway sorry go and tell me your story um okay so the story is i used to work for a radio station where there was many other radio stations including classic fm right and um i've seen a lot of pointless and i've never seen alexander armstrong in the flesh and so i was walking down a corridor and he does a classic FM show which he was pre-recording I guess and he was walking down the corridor

looking very smart he had like a waistcoat on he has his look and he's looking really pleased with himself and I was walking down the corridor and I looked at him

and I kind of looked at him like I know who you are you don't know who I am and he gave me a smile and it was all very pleasant and then I walked into the toilet

that he'd just walked out of and he'd done the stinkiest shit it was unbelievable unbelievable and so i was just like the reason he was looking so smug is because of what he just created in there right you know and do you know you there are some people particularly backstage there are some people where, I don't know if it's like marking territory, man, but it's like, what can your house be like? Oh, my God. Like, just, I've done on Radio 4, the Now show,

I'm not going to name names, but someone, pretty regular there, I mean, I say regular advisedly, just hosing urine all up the top, like all over it. Really? Why? I was like, what's that all about? Yeah. Maybe it was just crying.

Maybe it was tears and not piss. I don't know. At the BBC, I do, I work on a show on Six Music every Sunday on the BBC, on BBC Six Music. So I'm working in one of the buildings there. And without fail,

Is this Weston? Wogan. Wogan House. Wogan House, yeah Western? Wogan House There is someone that does a dirty protest almost every Sunday in the same toilet

I don't know what we got on to poo Sorry I took it to poo Can I give you one last poo story? Based in Wogan House Which is simply I'm going to change the name concerned. But there was a time when Radio 2, it was almost problematic how much drinking was happening.

There's nothing like that now. Like it's very slick and very professional. But I sort of caught the tail end because I started working there 25 years ago. And some nice lunches were being taken by some producers. They're all gone now. It's done. It's too late to write to the Daily Mail.

But there was an incident where one producer who notoriously was drinking a lot. We'll call him Sidney. And one morning, like a Friday morning or something, a little sort of congregation formed just by the lifts on the first floor. Some people were standing around outside the door of an office looking at, unmistakably, quite a large human poo on the carpet thinking

what's what is this and so everyone was looking at it in mystery just going how what why and uh sydney's assistant came up and said what's going on and they said look look at this poo on the carpet. And she went, oh, that'd be one of Sidney's. And they went, whoa, whoa, whoa. How do you know this is one of Sidney's poos? And she went, he drinks Guinness, doesn't he? And that's really blank. That's one of Sidney's. And they worked it out.

They had to sort of go back through it and recreate what had happened. And he'd gone out, got drunk, been walking back past Wogan House, thought to himself, I need to go to the toilet. I'll go back to work. Had his pass, went up to the first floor. But the toilets were through the security door into the studio.

Couldn't get into that. So just dropped his trousers and had a poo outside his office you're welcome I'm sorry everything I do turns to shit I'm such a dick I know you're not

I am the biggest dick of all time I apologize for Alexander and I know he's lovely I know he's lovely and that accounts for a lot in my book. Hey, Pointless is a very good format, isn't it? It's very watchable.

Isn't it? It's very watchable. Thank you very much indeed. And to you, thank you very much indeed. And you, thank you very much indeed. Richard, thank you very much indeed. Contestant, thank you very much indeed. And to the scoreboard, thank you very much indeed.

Audience, thank you very much indeed. It's a hard job. Richard, my point is that that was very good, by the way. Okay, Alexander Armstrong. Have you done that one before? No. That was very good. Okay.

You do feel very powerful if you get a pointless answer. Oh, yeah. That can see you through the rest of the day. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a nice little tickle. You're just like skipping through, making dinner and, you know, putting answer. Oh, yeah. That can see you through the rest of the day. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a nice little... You're just like skipping through, making dinner and, you know, putting the wash on or whatever.

Okay, Alexander Armstrong is going to be... Maybe clearing a poo up in a corridor. A child poo nowadays, yeah. Alexander Armstrong is going to be your third choice. Thank you very much. Yeah, but I don't feel good about that. Okay. Well, you can't take it back.

You've done it. I mean, um, okay. Well, thank you very much. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com uh jake now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad i realized that the first three this is slightly lighter now. The pressure's off, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, because it's quite, well, unless I chose like octopus or something and it attacked me back. You know what I mean?

It's going to be hard to be attacked back by foods. Okay, so food or drink was first. I'm going to go first with food. I'm going to choose egg. Egg. Yeah. Just egg. Egg. Yeah. Just egg. Egg.

Yeah, because it's needless. Like, you just don't need it, right? And it's in everything. There's always egg in everything, particularly in a lot of foods that people think are vegan. If you have a look, there's always egg whites. Are you vegan? Yeah.

Okay. And look, we did way more than five minutes before I told you that. Yeah, we did. So let's just debunk that. Yes, I'm pushing my agenda now. I'm a dick, all right. So they put it in everything. It's in biscuits.

It's in otherwise vegan sausage. So many things that could be vegan if you just didn't have some egg in it. And you don't need it. There are so many other things that would do an egg's job in cooking. Like you can use chia seeds or banana or just corn flour. Or just don't even worry about it. It's fine. So why are they using eggs so much?

Cheaper? No. It's partly historical. A lot of recipes are called for egg. And it is cheaper. And that's sort of the other part of it which is you can't

defend eating an egg, dude. You just can't. Even people who say well I have chickens in my back garden and it's very lovely actually and they're very happy. Can I eat their eggs?

It's like no. No. Partly because I mean it's a period. It is, it is. A hen period. But they sometimes eat their eggs, the unfertilized ones,

because it takes so many nutrients out of them that for them they need to recoup that if they can, and that's almost a pun. Nice. Almost. But the real thing is like it's about it's all about the boys

where are the boys right let's say you got four chickens four girls right laying eggs for you yeah

well where did they come from well they got hatched right in a hatchery now statistically half of the hatchlings

in a hatchery are going to be boys right right yeah where are they oh what happens to them do you know what happens to them no i heard a sort of whimsical piece on radio four about a year ago saying of all the uh esoteric professions to be in trouble uh people are finding it very hard to recruit chick sexers and it was this piece i was like i'm not surprised because i know what chick sexing entails right so what you have you have this huge tray or conveyor

belt of chicks that have just hatched literally just come out the shelves little fluffy yellow things like an easter card i know where this is going yeah right and they literally look at their bums go right that's a female stick it on the conveyor belt and off it goes to wherever. Oh, that's a male. They toss it into a shredder alive. Yeah. And it's a fucking bloodbath. Yeah.

So you can't eat eggs and you don't need to eat eggs. Are they making like chicken nuggets and stuff out of that, right? No. The blended boys? No. Not to my knowledge, knowledge possibly i don't know some of it goes for like pet food and stuff yeah or they'll suffocate them but um yeah in this country they literally it's a bloodbath and they're alive just being ground up it's horrible

that is like of all the dick foods i think egg is just about as dick as you can get man it's dick you don't need it you can tell by the look on my face i think that i do eat eggs you know you know i eat eggs i know i'm sorry i hate being the dick that's saying it no but like the more you say it and then the more i think you are right you are right there was a really lovely article david mitchell wrote in the guardian last week saying as a meat eater i'm getting increasingly annoyed with the fact that i can't be as annoyed with vegans as I used to be. Because they were sort of, there were only a few of them and they were a mad fringe group and we could just laugh at them

and now I feel like, shit, they might be right. Yeah, it's true. And I thought that was a lovely, it was a really honest thing to write and I really admired him for that. I know, it's true. I mean, I've been seriously reducing my meat intake but I've been attempting

to become, I can't give up fish as of yet. Living a semi-pescatarian lifestyle. The one thing I really miss as a vegan, because people are like, oh, did you miss cheese? I bet you missed cheese. I did. I don't now. There are so many good

fake cheeses now. Is there? Yeah. Amazingly good things that people are making and like quite small company, some of them, but just beautiful. You should have a look at Mouse's favourite. Okay. I went and met the woman. She makes, it's camembert and it's made of cashew nuts and it's amazing. Is it?

And she makes it single-handedly in this amazing workshop underneath a high-rise block in Camden. And you can bake it like a nice... You can't bake it. She's working on a bakeable one, but it's oozy and unctuous and it's got a rind and it's... Oh, that's nice. Okay, that is good.

Anyway... No, sorry. I don't miss cheese, but I do miss fish sauce because there is nothing to match that kind of pungent, nastyk yet but i mean someone should just come and swab my groin one day just replicate that in a petri dish you'd be aware i'm sorry that's absolutely disgusting i'm really sorry um can you so yeah cool like if you go and eat out and something might have fish sauce in it what are you careful to check? There are a lot of, most restaurants, I would even venture to say now, if you say, can you

make a vegan version of this? They generally will do it. I mean, the offering is much better nowadays. Oh, it's incredible. Yeah. Like back in the day, I've been vegan for seven or eight years and like in the old days, the fake cheese technology was terrible.

Oh yeah. It tasted like corks dipped in vinegar, man. It was just horrendous. Yeah, yeah. I can imagine. It was, yeah. But now it's a piece of, well, slightly over-dense cake. Needs an egg or two in there. Egg's going to be your food choice.

Yeah. And drink? Pepsi Max. Pepsi Max? Which I. Yeah. And drink? Pepsi Max. Pepsi Max? Which I'm drinking. You're drinking a Pepsi Max right now. Well, you've just finished a bottle of Pepsi Max right now. And I'm judging myself.

Can I guess why? Sure, yeah, go for it. Pepsi Max. Yes. Is that why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I literally use it. Do you?

As a drug. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an addiction? It's horrific. Is it? It's horrific. Is it? It's got a tremendous amount of caffeine in it. It's also got this stuff in it called, and it has to sort of label it.

It says, contains a source of phenylalanine. What's that? Which, it's naturally occurring. It happens to be an antidepressant. Is it? Literally makes you lala. But I find, like if i've got work on you you know the old cliche of like people who work tv people and they'll go and do a couple of lines i can't

get you through just do a bottle or two like it's the same but like this gives me the hit i need to go and are you relying on ecomaniacally spout shit. Are you drinking them every day? Most days I work. I try not to drink it if I'm not working. But it was hard. I gave it up completely about a year ago

and then I got this big job on and I just, I was like, I need, and it was literally that feeling of like, I need some Pepsi Max. Now that's all just me.

I understand that. Yes. For legal reasons. That's all just me. But, you know, I want to put it on a desert island so that I stop drinking it. Okay. That's a good reason. I'm not happy.

I'm not happy with myself. Really? Have you tried to kick it? Like several times. I'm not even kidding. It's my one. Coffee doesn't do the trick or? Coffee's okay, several times. I'm not even kidding. It's my one... Coffee doesn't do the trick, or...? Coffee's okay, you know.

Right. It's like the whole... You are addicted. Yeah. Was it Ogden Nash, the poem, Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. Ah, okay. But Pepsi Max...

It's another level. Is it? Is it that good? It's that good really look I can get you a first one for free I know that's what that's what you're going towards

yeah do you know a good do you know a good guy actually I know a guy yeah yeah yeah I'll text him I'll text him I'll see if he's in town

he's barefoot is he local he's always barefoot but don't like don't look him in the eye yeah have you got any cherry ones alright er Old Street half an hour But don't look him in the eye, yeah? Maz, have you got any cherry ones?

Old Street? Half an hour. Half an hour, okay. Great, £1.20. How much do they cost? Well, my dealer gets me this for £2 a bottle. Okay, Pepsi Max because of your addiction. Yes.

Okay, thank you very much, Jake. And we'll hear more from Jake after this. Jake, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work. But just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why?

What a terrible world you've built. I know, it's bad, isn't it? It is bad. Okay, well, I'll start with the film. What's going to be your film choice? I am going to choose Whiplash. Whiplash? Whiplash? Yeah, the film about the little drummer boy.

Yeah. Because it's rotten. And the message it sends is rotten. And it's hateful. And everything about it is hateful and stupid. Go on. Well, look, the secret to great jazz drumming is not drumming faster. Okay? Faster. You drumming faster. Okay? Faster.

You must drum faster. Faster, child. And he drums so fast that, oh, until, oh, his bloodied fist, oh, and he puts it through the, oh. And it's full of that. Meanwhile, there's all this homophobic stuff being spouted by Mr. Gentleman. He's being horrible. A guy blows his brains out or something because he can't handle the pressure of it. Nothing, but nothing in the world of jazz has ever been about that.

Like in terms of good jazz. No, yeah. Because the whole essence of jazz is exuberance, joy, emotion, losing yourself. It's not about strict, rigid discipline. No, it's endlessly cool jazz. It's about, well, and endlessly hot. It's about wanting to move, to dance, to feel. And this is all about suppressing, oppressing all of that stuff.

And it's just crap. It's just crap. It's utter crap. And I hate everything about it. I hate the fact that the only woman in it gets kicked out because girls are yuck and I've got to get on with my work. And I hate the sort of fascination with jazz because it's the wrong sort of jazz, which is mid-70s jazz, and that's just the worst kind of jazz I mean it's sort of

okay some of it but not really and there is nothing to like about this film right you're never going to go oh

let's watch Whiplash like you're never because it's not going to transport you has it got critical critically it did really really well it did really well

didn't it I think it got an Oscar possibly possibly yeah I don't know but the director I think it got an Oscar, possibly. Possibly, yeah. I don't know. But I think the director went on to do La La Land, right? It was the same guy.

Michelle something. I don't know. I don't know. It's the same fascination with kind of wistful, listless, mid-70s bollocks music. Like, if you're going to do a musical, talking about La. Like, if you're going to do a musical, like, talking about La La Land, if you're going to do a musical, right,

then it needs to be a toe-tapping, it needs to have good singable tunes. Yes, yes. There's that one song in La La Land, the opening song, and you think, oh, this'll be all right. And it's not. And there's one bit in La La Land. I'm sorry, I'm moving on from Whiplash.

No, it's fine, it's fine. Can we pretend it's one of those double DVDs that you get in garages? It's absolutely fine. Same director. Yeah. Yeah. Where they're clicking their fingers.

And they're clicking their fingers on one and three, not two and four. Right? You know, like one, two, three, four. They go one, two, three, four. One, two, three. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

In the world of any kind of jazz, any kind of show tune, it's two and four. One, two, one, two. Right? Oh, nice. Okay. Or one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. They've got it wrong.

Not one, three. It's so flat-footed. And the guy, he's obsessed with jazz, the director, but he knows nothing about it. It's like me writing a song about uh sorry it's like me making a film about uh what am i obsessed with but i don't know anything about i mean everything pepsi max pepsi max yeah yeah the making of pepsi max yeah it would never be a good film. Okay. So one scene really sticks in my head. I'm going to be honest.

I think I don't get to the cinema often. I think I went to see Whiplash and I came away and I was like, oh, that was quite good. You know, which probably is like paints me in quite a bad light. But there's one scene that really sticks with me. That's really like quite a bad light but there's one scene that really sticks with me that's really like quite a bizarre scene it's where he like

rolls his car yes and he's like on the way to the thing he rolls his car but there's a shot and I'm sure like

I'm almost certain in it it zooms in on his mobile phone and as the car's like rolling it zooms in on someone calling him his

drum teacher calling him his drum teacher calling him on the phone yeah because he's on his way to a big concert yes and it's like it's such an odd scene yeah

I think it's so it's like something from an action film yes and they've just like put it into this film about drumming it makes no sense to me

I feel the director he loves mid 70s fusion jazz and he loves cinema and I think you get people in industries who are really enthusiastic amateurs and they don't really know what they're doing. That's harsh.

But it's like, you're a fan. You're not really a crafter of it. Okay. You know, like you get people who sort of, you get writers who say, oh, I just love working with words. And you think, oh, I hate working with words. What I love is having written something.

You know, I hate the process of writing. It's a pain in the arse. Just get it done. Get it down. Make it work. Is it funny? Okay, great. Done.

Next. Whereas that whole idea of, hmm, I wonder if, ooh, somnambulist. Shall I put that in? Fuck that. Get on with it. Yeah, yeah. And he's the sort of directing equivalent of that. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Whiplash. I'm purging a lot today. Thanks. I'm going to sleep so well tonight. Yeah, I know. I feel like people leave here saying that to me quite often.

I feel like my shoulders really hurt I was going to say you need to get a massage I know I do but it is also my fault because I'm the facilitator of hate basically by setting up this podcast I am I'm not a bad person I promise

but I just like I came up with a format I am Ben Sh ben shepherd you are tipping no i'm not you i do love doing this podcast but um but i do feel bad because every week i think come tell me tell me who you don't like yeah yeah well it's a it's a valuable service this is like an extended two minute hate well yes it is yeah um okay and i i would say you remind me of me when i go and like work in offices for a while i generally try to explain to people look it's it's cool i'm the hate sponge just direct all your hatred and contempt at me yeah i will absorb it for you

and then i will take it off site i will remove it from your office. Yeah. You know, and don't ask me what I'll do to get rid of that hatred. You know, terrible things will happen as a consequence, but I will dispose of it. What are you doing in offices? Why are you going to offices and... No reason, shut up. Extracting people. Well, you end up working on a production, you know,

on a project or something. Okay. You go in and you spend a few days perhaps writing in the corner or perhaps you're just doing the bins, all right? Right a project or something. Okay. You go in and you spend a few days perhaps you're writing in the corner or perhaps you're just doing the bins, all right? Right. Times are hard. Okay, yeah.

Okay, Whiplash. Yeah. And what's going to be your song choice? I'm hoping you're going to go with me for this. Was this difficult or easy for you to choose? It came pretty... Quick. Pretty quickly.

Imagine by John Lennon. Wow. Have you had that one? No. Okay. I think it's rotten. Okay, please. Where to start?

I mean, lyrically, it's pretty rotten. Yeah. It's a knockoff of Eric Sarti's Gymnopédies, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. It's just... Oh, look, there's a major seventh filled on you.

It's badly recorded. It's badly mixed. It's badly sung. It's very overindulgent. The video... He's in that white piano in a white suit and all this, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah. And the guy was a dick. I feel like you're not allowed... Like, it's something... At university, you're not allowed to speak ill of John Lennon, right? Or his music. But here you are. allowed, like, it's something, at university, you're not allowed to speak ill of John Lennon, right? Or his music,

but here you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not, not, not a great track record, I believe,

in terms of his relationships with Will and things he did there. I think had his own, had an apartment just for his fur coats. And you, I mean, there's not much to love there, our priests and love, but not

not the minks yeah kill them massacre them all bloodbath and I just feel like yeah

he was a dick the song was self-indulgent cack it's a crap song it's not like a very loved song

internationally yeah well it's one of those I think that's one of the things I hate, well, it's one of those ones. I think that's one of the things I hate about it is it's sort of unimpeachable. You know, there are certain things that people will do. It's like hosting DIY SOS.

You know what I mean? No one can go, what a dick! Helping out disabled children. You dick! Like, you can't. It's unimpeachable. So, you know, it's the same sort of with the whole, all of the sort of iconography of that song, imagine. It was all about setting himself up as an angel.

You know, Bill Hicks does a very funny bit of stand-up. Okay, go. This was way back. Yeah. Like in the, around 1990, I would think, where he says, for God's sake, why'd they assassinate John Lennon? I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.

And I feel like, I think they've got the right guy. If you had to choose. If you had to choose. Because he's not, like, Kenny Rogers isn't pretentious, you know? It's toe-tapping fun and he knows what he is. All this setting himself up. All the good Beatles songs were written by Paul McCartney.

Discuss. Paul McCartney's genius. Love him. Yeah. Do you? Yeah. I've just had someone on the podcast

and their first choice was Paul McCartney. Oh, really? Yeah. Who's that? Because I'll see him in the car park. Sarah Keyworth.

Right. She's a comedian. Sarah Keyworth. I'm coming for her. No, I love... I genuinely love Paul McCartney yeah we were talking

I think we were talking about so someone else that's been on this podcast Brian Murphy he made a really

good point he was saying that he thinks there should be a music czar like there's a night czar someone that

like oversees music and you have an option as an artist you can you've got 10 years you've got five albums or 10 years and that's it you've got to call it a day because he's like you're

never going to get better than those first five albums it goes downhill rapidly from then and that's where we were saying paul mccartney's got to that's a really good point um i know that uh billy joel and el Elton John had a conversation because they sort of toured, and I never really understood that because I really like Billy Joel, and I'm, yeah, okay. And there's Elton John. But Elton John said to Billy Joel, you should put out more albums.

And Billy Joel said, yeah, you should put out less. Oh! You might have a point. Oh, yeah. Okay. Obviously, he meant fewer. But we'll let that go. You should stop.

That's what he should have said. Yeah, yeah. You should stop. Okay. Imagine. Yeah. Sorry. No, it's fine.

It's your choice. That's great. Okay. Thank you very much Jake and finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it

and why yeah humans yeah humans yeah humans but I'm not doing that one okay I'm guessing people have done that have people said that

someone has said humans yeah I thought someone was saying that yeah it's alright though no it's not alright it's so hard right you're so sweet because you're like oh great choice like fuck every week I hear this It's alright though No it's not alright It's so hard Right You're so sweet

Because you're like Oh great choice Like fuck Every week I hear this Anyway No Everyone has a different swing on it I'm going to choose

Cuckoos Cuckoos Because Fuck them Yeah What utter wankers Like It's like the Jeremy Kyle bird.

Yeah. It just shits out an egg in someone else's nest. You raise it. I'm not fucking raising it. Is that what they do? What kind of a shit? That's, yeah, yeah. So what they do, they fly to another bird's nest,

kick out one of their eggs, lay an imposter cuckoo egg, and then the other bird raises it as it goes and fetches the fucking worms and the grubs and stuff feeds it and all that shit until there's like oh one of our one of our children is a funny color darling yeah it's a fucking cuckoo oh my is this true yes mad how do they get away with that there was legislation they're like benefit scroungers of the bird world. Well, there was going to be legislation, but Christopher Chobhampy stopped it. Okay, yeah. As if they do that.

And then do they ever go back to get them or they just leave them there? No, don't give a... Wow. Yeah. Cuckoos. Cuckoos are little shit. They are. Yeah.

As if. Didn't know that about them. Yeah. Wankers. How weird. That's a real dick move in the animal kingdom, isn't it? Are they... I don't know. I want to make more assumptions about the cuckoos. Are they having multiple partners? Are they like...

Do they mate for life? I don't know. What do we know about the cuckoos? I don't know. I think... Well, they... I know that they nest in Wetherspoons. But I'm thinking if a cuckoo is particularly promiscuous and a cuckoo has multiple relationships, maybe it will like, and then the next morning after it's like, oh, God, oh, no, I'm pregnant again.

What do I do with this? And just go and drop it. Where am I going to put this? I'm touching feathers here. See ya. There it goes. It's the Jeremy Carl of birds

yeah literally it's like sort of seeing other birds nests as council houses unbelievable squatters I learn new things

all the time on this podcast and cuckoos are going to be animal choice Jake thank you so much for coming in thanks so much

I hope I haven't destroyed my career or yours no or any of the other people apart from Christopher Chopes which I'd really like to see gone I think you're fine I think you've done well

I think it's great and if I had destroyed my career it definitely would have happened by now I think maybe because there's there's always time

there's always time don't forget some of the great stories Jake tell me about what you're doing at the minute, what you're up to at the minute. Oh, thanks. Well, I'm working on a podcast with Lizzie Roper and Robin Morgan,

which is called The Old Sex Podcast. It's based on a book we found in a charity shop. It's a real book from the 70s, basically telling you how a woman wants to be loved. What's the book called? It's called How a Woman Likes to be how how a woman wants to be loved um what's the book called it's called how a woman likes to be loved wants to be loved and um it's got some very dubious advice in there so it's sort of part social history part willy jokes all right mainly willy jokes so um there's that i've got a series uh coming up on Dave called The Hurting, which you could probably watch on UK TV Play

if you do things like that. Nice, yeah, great. And what happens in The Hurting? It's literally you've been framed. Okay. But that's okay.

That's a great show which we could only aspire to. But it's basically, yeah, it's an American show which I've completely revoiced and relayed the soundtrack

so I do all the music and there's songs so I've tried to make it if you can imagine what I've tried to do I'm not saying I've done it but what I've tried to do is like

if you can imagine what Adam Buxton doing a clip show would be like okay it's kind of like that so there's songs oh that's good

there's voices it's nice there's kind of lots of things going on and people can probably find that now. I've seen a lot of love for it on Twitter, actually. Yeah, it's done all right. Because I made 40 episodes last year.

Wow, that's good going. And 40 the year before. 40 episodes? Yeah, it's quite gruelling. No, it's not one a week, but I was going to say, it's almost one a week. With the schedule, I had to make two a week. Did you?

And three a week sometimes that's full on yeah it was quite intense well done congratulations well I'm just a dick no nothing else

I um sorry that was the that was the that was the perfect ending line wasn't it and then I just carried on talking um

Jake and if people want to find you where can they find you? um it's number 21 have you got a pen? yeah you? It's number 21. Have you got a pen? On Twitter, it's at Jake Yap, J-A-K-E-Y-A-P-P.

Nice. And, you know, there's all the Facebook gubbins and all that. Google, Google Jake Yap. Just, yeah. Or just do anything else. It would probably be more fulfilling. I'm pretty rapid. Okay.

Well, thank you for coming in, Jake. Thanks for having me. It's been brilliant brilliant thank you very much