Desert Island Dicks - JAMALI MADDIX

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

Comedian Jamali Maddix joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island X recording an intro here in my kitchen. And this episode features comedian Jamali Maddox, who's very funny and also has what I think might be the most controversial music choice yet on the island. So have a listen for that one. As well as being a very funny comic, you might have seen Jamali doing some documentaries for Vice,

much like a previous guest of ours, Zing Seng. And he's also been on Live at the Apollo, like another previous guest who I, Zing Seng. And he's also been on Live at the Apollo, like another previous guest who I haven't written down here, but I'm pretty sure that at least some of our guests have appeared on that because we've had loads. And look, the thing is, I'm really tired, but what I'm trying to get at in a roundabout way is that there's loads of previous episodes just waiting for you to get stuck into. So why not go and have a listen and subscribe and leave us a rating while you're there because then you'll never miss a future episode now look nearly there but before we get started i have to give a massive thank you and shout out to our listener

paul manfully aka grand mamster flash on twitter because he's only gone and made me a massive spreadsheet of all the choices from every guest on every episode of Desert Island Dicks and I'm just incredibly grateful because it's so much work and I can't wait to delve into it and get some stats from it and I don't know get a leaderboard going of who the biggest dick is ever and that sort of thing but look thanks again Paul you are a much more patient man than me and if you want you can give him a follow on Twitter, at Mampers84. And you can find us there too, at DixPod. Right, that's more than enough out of me.

Here's some more of me, but this time talking to the very funny Jamali Maddox on Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is chameleon, sorry not chameleon, he's a comedian, Jamali Maddox.

How you doing mate? I like chameleon. Yeah. I think I might go with chameleon, you know what I mean? I mean you could be both, you could change colour and be funny as well. You could be whatever you want to be. Yeah. Let's adjust to this new normal by doing something a bit different and just just say from the

beginning let's make this a positive podcast even though we're going to be slagging people and things off be whoever you want to be um and how are you today i'm good man can't complain you know just trying to trying to trying to maintain through these weird times and you know and it's like everything's become longer now so it's like you know getting on the train you can't just sit on any seat you know you gotta kind of be conscious about social distancing and it's like everything's become longer now. So it's like, you know, getting on the train, you can't just sit on any seat. You know, you've got to kind of be conscious about social distancing. And it's just that sort of mental thing of, I don't know how much they're enforcing this mask rule.

Because every time I get on the train, there's people with no masks on. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I don't know how much they're enforcing it. So it's just trying to, you know, be that guy who's wearing a mask and not be too fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah, I went to a B&Q the other day and it was like all the staff had masks on, but I think maybe two of them actually had them over their faces.

Yeah, everyone got right round the nose. I'm not going to go around snitching on everyone. No, of course. You know, if I can make my three-year-old son wear one, you know. Yeah, I mean, that's what it really boils down to. Because look, none of us, I don't want to wear it it's uncomfortable it's uncomfortable like you know when people say it's not it's very when you're on a train and you just come back from work you don't want to wear fucking masks but at the same time it's like i say i don't fucking sweat but um you know it's

just uncomfortable in it but you just you know it's just it's just a thing to do in it so we're all getting used to it aren't we well maybe this will be a cathartic exercise for you then uh just telling us who and what you hate the most in the world how did you find the the process of whittling down your choices do you know it was tough because i didn't just want to do because i do you know the thing is like i since since covid i've sort of turned to an amateur survivalist so all of my brain now is like it's not even just people i hate because like the first question of who do you not want to be stuck with like at first it was just like you know the basics like katie hopkins and all those other people we hate but i really thought if i was on a desert island who would i actually not want to be with do you know what i'm saying though

because like yeah katie hopkins is a person, but in terms of actual survival skills, she might offer something. You never know. You never know. Or if not, you just, you know, eat her or something. Yeah, true. Use her as a raft. There you go, use her as a raft. Yeah.

Cool. Well, let's get straight into it then. Who's going to be your first choice? My first choice of someone that I would hate to be stuck on a desert island with and this is going to sound like a really strange choice but it's going to be bear grills okay yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna say because even though i think his survival skills are great i just think that he would be jarring to be around on a desert island forever because he has you know because he's like uh he's listed as a guy

who knows how to survive i feel like he'll be trying to take over all the time and i feel living with someone like that for the rest of my life would be too jarring so i still had to take away survival expertise for just how annoying i think he would be yeah he does actually pop up on here a bit i mean he like people don't like this guy, considering he'd be a real asset in many ways on the island. But I think it's, as you say, trying to sort of gee you up and jolly you along, because he's always talking about how important morale is. And you can imagine him kind of going,

right, let's sing some songs. And you're like, my morale isn't the same as yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fact. Me singing a song with Bear bear grills isn't going to cheer me up no you need to find another angle make a balloon animal or something yeah and it's also that thing of that i'm stuck on a desert island right you just need the basics i just want food fire and a tent and he's going to be trying to build a whole you know woodwork city that you know i'm saying he's going gonna want to have like a fish farm

and jam then though and it just becomes jarring and he looks like a guy who's a delegator and not a doer he'll be like yeah so jamali you go climb up this tree and right and you'd be trying to teach and he's like i also hate when someone's better is more equipped to do something than you but they want you to learn yeah and he's just like but but you know how to do it you know i'm saying so why do i need to learn how to do it if we're on a desert island but i've got no i can do something else you know i'm saying i can weave something i don't know i'll work on my morale yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah why am i climbing the tree when you're obviously more skilled in that so i think he would be i think he would be like a jar to be around yeah yeah and i think it's like that sort of thing you know when you ask your parents to help you

with your homework and they insist on making you work it out and you're like can you just tell me the answer so it's done and i can go and play outside that is the perfect analogy it's that analogy when you're when your parents are like you work it out and you go but that's not the point is survival the point is to get the homework yeah so if you do or i do it let's just get it done quicker like why am why are we messing about and making me learn something because i'm going to forget it yeah i mean we all know i'm not going to be an astrophysicist we're not it's just it's just not happening because if i was going to be an astrophysicist i wouldn't be asking you to help me yeah i'm saying i wouldn't be asking my my painter and decorator dad yeah yeah i was there like you know so uh yeah so i i so i think bell bear grills would be just like i think bear grills gets a bad rap in terms of people think he's a bit of a bit of a wanker

like i think he doesn't i think he's you know he's just like any other dude who likes something too much where it sort of becomes their life and they become a bit jarring because of it do you mean like i feel like he'll just be trying to weave in every conversation like you know you'll be at dinner party and you'll be drinking wine you go oh you know this wine reminds me of wine i had in peru and you kind of go okay why was you in peru and then he's going to tell you the whole story about being in peru and he broke his back or some shit do you know what i'm saying and it feels like it's just too so I find him annoying on that end but I don't think he's like you know some people really hate Bear Grylls and I don't hate him you

know what I mean but I get the feeling he's one of those people who like you know he's very his outward persona and what's going on in his internal monologue are very different you know like you know some people who like you know who think that showing anger or frustration is like a sign of weakness or something. So you can be like, is everything all right, mate? And they're like, yes, I'm fine. And you're like, oh, you're seething. I'm just going to walk over here for a little bit.

I feel like, and the day he does snap, I mean, he's got the skills to wipe you all out. Yeah. You know, so I just feel like he's this pressure cooker. He'd be like Rambo, First Blood. You know, the one where the cops keep on messing with him and he just wants to be left alone and he starts killing it. He doesn't even kill him, he just maims them.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I think Bear Grylls is someone I'm going to have to say nah, man. Yeah, fair enough. I think as well when he loses it, he's someone who will probably just go missing for a while and then every now and again, like a a month late you'll hear something in the bushes and you're like what that can't was that him that was five years ago and he's just living

somewhere yeah yeah and he'll just come out he's invented a religion or something yeah yeah he'll find some locals yeah he'll be like you know what's that film man um um um my movie yeah apocalypse now and you have dennis hopper run he's a he's a he's a prophet man but um yeah i just find it i just find him like really just like i just think that you want someone do you know who i wouldn't mind having with me ray mears yeah he's a sort of softer side, isn't he? He's like a less competitive form of survival. There's a difference between survivalist and bushcraft. I think you just need bushcraft, you know? Like, I think bushcraft, and you'd be like,

I'll just try and get, like, I think, you know, I think that guy, I think Bear Grylls would be trying to be like, listen, man, you've got to wake up at 6am, we've got to get up by crack of dawn. I'm on a desert island. I'm not going to be waking up early and doing this and doing that and i don't think you have to work every day i think he's one of those guys where you think you have to work every day and i think you've got to take some days off i think that bear grills would probably at some point try and like tell you some kind of

parable or bible story whereas with ray mears you could be like ray i'm feeling lonely can you like read us all a native american folk tale to make us yeah make us feel better about the natural world we're living in whereas like i think with bear they'd always be like this is a story about jesus isn't it yeah oh he's like a hardcore christian isn't he yeah yeah he's like a born again now yeah like you know fair enough to anyone in their beliefs but i just feel like yeah but not on the desert island yeah yeah no no listen fuck all that mate it's a desert island i ain't gonna be stuck with i ain't gonna be stuck with the pastor on a desert island mate you know i mean believe what you want to believe but i

wanted to be stuck with it fair enough fair enough all right well let's move on to your second choice who's going to be joining bear grills on the island um i think my other choice would be and this is a strange one is a copy of myself okay like if i was stuck on a desert island with myself i think that would be uh i think i'd be mental i think that would be jarring on many levels i think the one jarring level obviously you'd have to i would have to deal with all of my um negative uh personality traits you know i mean and then also just the surrealness of having to like be with myself and it's you know i mean i think you'd go mad just having a conversation with yourself yeah because i think even like any amount of solitude is going to make you do a lot of self-examination anyway and you'll find things you're not necessarily

happy with but when you see yourself doing these things on top of it you're like oh man what what's the other me doing yeah and it's like could you have a conversation with yourself like if if there was like a direct copy of you like you would have all the same thoughts so it wouldn't even be a conversation it would just be like a saying the same thing maybe i'm saying no like oh yeah yeah you just be constantly agreeing with yourself like there's no like there there's a joy in finding people who are like you and you talk and you say things and they go oh yeah i believe that too like we like most of our friendship groups somewhat have 95 of the same views and ideas as us right i think that's that's why they become your friendship circle but to have never be challenged would be mental you know to never have because then no conversation would go anywhere of any entertaining value yeah definitely and i'm

sorry if this is too meta no no no it's great it's great i just find like you know i'm a fairly content individual you know i don't think i have too many issues but it find like you know i'm a fairly content individual you know i don't think i have too many issues but it's like you know being a parent people kind of go oh it really sort of makes you learn about yourself and that sort of implies that you learn good shit but most of the time you just kind of go oh i'm a bit of a dick aren't i i'm way more selfish than i thought i'm way more like this and that i'm obsessed with these things it's like i thought this was meant to make me feel better about my life but it is like holding a mirror up to yourself so actually having myself held up to myself i think i'd find out that i was a dick very quickly and any little

skills you have that's the skill that would be that he would have as well yeah you know so any any little minute non-survival skills you have he would be that as well you know i'm saying so if you can't fish yourself can't fish either you know so then there'll be no fishing there's no right there's no rate of improvement that you couldn't do by yourself at that point yeah i mean if it was sort of looked like you but was kind of the anti-you at least you could sort of cover the bases but you know you're just sort of you're always going to be crap at those things yeah and you're both going to be moving at the same slow rate i'd be horrified yeah and you'd have the same ways of trying to fix things you're like maybe if we move the rock like that no that won't work have you got any

other ideas yeah but they're all yours they're shit even the even the chuckle brothers were slightly different yeah exactly you just want like one step removed is enough yeah yeah yeah but if that direct copy of you would be i think would be um would be bad man yeah and then i mean god i suppose there's a potential if you're stuck there for long enough you could even i don't know depending on like who you're stuck with on the island maybe one of you eventually starts to turn a different way. Like one of you becomes really good mates with Bear Grylls and then tries to sort of say to you, I don't know what your problem is.

I get on with them. I'm you. I'm you. Yeah, I think you're just not listening enough. And you're like, what's he said to you? I guess because humans are multi-layered in that sense that, you know, we change with our environment. So if one of us

has a different experience than the other copy of ourselves then we would change and there would be a difference and yeah so then he becomes he he starts being friends with your enemies yeah oh man imagine that you being friends with Bear Grylls that's horrifying and you turn up you're like oh man and then and he's laughing all the the beer grills is jesus stories like you're so smart bear oh no and you're watching yourself doing you go i'd never say that yeah and it'd be what it's like you know when you see one of your mates get along with someone that you really dislike yeah what do they you know we've all got a mate who's friends with someone who's just a dick yeah do you see in that person and it was you looking at them doing that yeah yeah yeah and you're looking at yourself and then you kind of have to then question yourself like damn do i like bear grills like do i deep

down is there a part of me that likes bear grills i'll be oh no yeah no it's a good choice man i think uh i just think there's so many weird loopholes you get into or like wormholes of like psychiatry yeah psychology you just turn yourself mad after a while you would i think and that's another thing you gotta think of when you're on a desert island is you know because i think if especially if you watch i mean as all good facts are films like cast away or the beach or whatever one of them films you know the sort of um the fragility of being you know on a deserted island is you know, mental, your mental health.

I think because everyone worries about the food and this and that, but you'd go mad, like, you know, just going mental is one of the big, big issues, isn't it? Yeah, fair enough. It's a good choice. And who's going to join the other you and Bear Grylls? I would say my friend T. T, OK. And tell us about T. T is, I grew up with him. I went primary my friend T. T, okay. And tell us about T. T is, I grew up with him.

I went primary school with him. I've known him since primary school. Damn, I must have known this guy over 20 years now. And he's just like, and he's like, he's just one of them guys where all of my friends that know him don't know why I'm friends with him. Right. Because he's just a dick.

And he's just, you know, and he's just you know and he's really lazy and uh you know and i think he would just get me killed on the island or you know i mean and he's sort of like he's got a way about himself where he he will make you go like you you go to his house and you be like yo i gotta do this today and they go yeah you could but we'll just do it later let's just do something now and then before you know it it's like you know 10 o'clock at night and you're smoking joints and you're like how did i get here you know it, it's like, you know, 10 o'clock at night and you're smoking joints and you're like, how did I get here? You know what I mean?

It's sort of like, you know, he's sort of my bad influence. And, uh, I think he would just be a bad person to have with me on the desert island. And do you think,

is he the sort of character that, uh, would, would deal well with being on a desert island himself? No, no, no. I think,

but I think you would just take it too lightly. He'd be like, eh, you know, and i think it's like it's serious times and i think he's the type of guy where he knows that like because he's one of the things of where he goes he does a thing where he's a he's a dick dick dick dick dick but then it's funny and he knows he's being you know i mean he knows that that that his dickheadness will eventually be funny so he would like make up with bear grills and the opposite me and as he's like talking to them he'll be winking at me like i know this is annoying you and it's hilarious do you know i mean yeah yeah i have to say he's he i would hate to be stuck with him yeah so it sounds like you know you're gonna be sort of oh we need to catch fish we need to build a shelter and he of going no later let's do it later yeah fine it's okay and then before you know it's

a week later and we ain't done nothing yeah and you're starving now you're too weak to put up the shelter and that exactly exactly i think it'll just kill me off and do you think he's the sort of person where like the other people on the island are going to be sort of getting on your case like you know jamali why are you mates with this guy oh yeah they would hate him yeah bear bear especially i think there's going to be real i think i think opposite me would be fine with it yeah me or me would be fine with it like the other me but i think bear grills and him would just hate each other because i think in terms of the spectrum of personality i think bear grills is the opposite spectrum of tea. So, yeah. So Bear's like active, doing good, like challenging himself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And T's not. Yeah. I think they're polar opposites and wouldn't hate each other. I like that we've got like quite the spectrum now because we've got Bear at one end, we've got T at the other. We've got you and you in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With one of you being like a mate, potentially a sliding scale between the two polar opposites. And it could be me. I could be the guy on the sliding scale, like my version of myself. Yeah. Mate, it's all trippy, isn't it? Yeah, I think I like the way you've constructed it so far.

There's a lot that could happen, you know. I like to think that when we stop recording these episodes that, you know, like somewhere there's just this like world unfolding and a parallel universe. And I think you've picked like one with a lot of possibilities. It'd be interesting to see where it went. I mean, none of them that good.

I don't think, but I mean, I think it was going to end in tears somehow, but you know, that's the point of the, of the podcast. So yeah. Good.

Also. Yeah. I think if you're trying to sort of... It's always tiring when you've got to defend an old friend that you've known for years and you can tell that your other mates are sort of a bit funny and you're sort of stuck in the middle. Like, you know when you introduce two groups of mates

and you're sort of like, look, look, look, when you get to know this guy, he's wicked, but just be aware this is his thing that he does. It's cool. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it is hard. I mean, I've seen it happen. I remember there was like,

and it wasn't like purposely, but it's only after it happened. I realized, oh yeah, those people would hate each other. Do you know what I'm saying? No, like it happened.

It wasn't Amsterdam. It was these two people. And I remember both of them after were like, who the fuck was that guy? Like they both just hated each other. And it was just like, when I look back at it, I go, oh yeah, they both just hated each other and it was just like when i look back i go oh yeah they're both what each other wouldn't like in people and i've sort of just brought them together you know i mean and it's just like anything that we and we're in

amsterdam which is a weird place to sort of be anyway you know i mean though it's like yeah definitely definitely cool okay well jamali mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you is your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad see what i did here was i did one that isn't my least favorite but it does a reason why i picked it and the drink is my least favorite drink right so okay i actually picked cheesecake as the one that i wouldn't want to be stuck with and the reason i like cheesecake but i think what would happen is if that's all i'm stuck with in terms of my item that's red

i'm guessing there was like it was the plane was a cheesecake plane so it has an abundant amount of cheesecake it's not just one or two right yeah I think it was like the dessert on the little tray it was like the dessert tray right and I just feel that I wouldn't want it to be ruined for me just I'm saying though because if you watch Groundhog Day the whole thing about Groundhog Day as well is like everything he loved or anything he enjoyed becomes shit because it's just repetitive. You know what I'm saying? And because I wouldn't want my favorite dessert to become my least favorite thing. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it's a good reasoning. Yeah, I think that would be an actual, I think that would be like a real head fuck is to have like your favourite food become your sort of like the bane of your existence and I also think certain things would get if you had to eat the same thing over and over again whatever it is it's going to be painful but certain things would almost be easier like plain rice

you could probably keep eating that forever I grew up on plain rice but it's not going to be fun but there's probably a limit to how low how much you can hate it yeah whereas cheesecake like it won't take that long yeah and it's going to be like claggy and like warm and sort of you know when it's been left out and it's sort of sweating a bit yeah yeah yeah definitely you ain't got no refrigeration in that but like you said like like a standard carb you can just eat forever like i literally for when i from the ages of maybe

you know a baby to when i moved out my mom's every day when she was cooking for me rice and chicken that's all i was right that every day was rice and chicken chicken and rice chicken and rice chicken and rice and you know it's and again it does become a bit of hair but it's just you know you can eat every day but when it becomes that luxury item you know and then when it's smeltering and doing all this nasty shit like i agree with you man it just becomes sickly yeah and it would become sort of cheesy like i didn't eat cheesecake for years when i was little because i was like a cheesecake that sounds disgusting and then i tried it and was like oh this is delicious oh i get it but you know when it's been left out it was a bit past its best and you're like oh i can taste the cheese now yeah now it's not funny anymore yeah yeah 100 and it's not it's not a food that holds well

you know unless it's kept in the perfect conditions and as well as there's no in i'm not even talking about like a topping i'm not talking about like there's a variety of cheesecake it's not like you've got a lemon cheesecake or a passion fruit cheesecake and you've got some chocolate, you've got cheesecake, just American New York cheesecake, thick crust, you know?

And there's not going to be that much water. You have to boil salt water and all that. And this, you know, to eat a cheesecake without something else is just, you know. And it's been on a plane to start with as well. So it as a shit cheesecake yeah yeah yeah it's plain cheesecake that's that's what that's what's worse about it it's plain cheesecake yeah yeah it's horrible man what's your favorite flavor just plain no no from a plane yeah yeah yeah i mean literally a shit

one yeah your mental of your favorite cheesecake is just plain cheesecake. Yeah. I had this memory recently that's like a bit like that. Like when I was little, like, so I grew up in Leicester. My gran lived in London and we used to go up on the train at the weekends to go and visit her. And for some reason, like in the 80s, in British Rail, they did these hamburgers, which I know can't have been nice. But, you know, when you're a kid, there's just this one thing you really like. Yeah. I remember my brother going, what's your favourite? Do youcdonald's a burger king i was like no i like the ones on the train and it was like my my and like obviously they don't exist anymore but can you

imagine how bad that must have been the worst like the worst hamburger you could possibly get like from a british rail train in the late 80s yeah yeah i was obsessed by them and that's kind of the equivalent of someone liking a cheesecake off a plate yeah but like a few notches worse if anything 100 it is weird how there's those foods as a kid like i remember as a kid i used to love like specifically the luncheon meat that you'd put in a sandwich but it'd be like a clown face or a dinosaur i would like that's all i wanted my sandwiches yeah it was this weird luncheon meat and now i couldn't even smell it like it's just so horrifying now do you know what i'm saying but then it was like and i remember being like pacifically it

would have to be a pacific shape like i used to think the bear one tasted different to the clown one yeah i'm saying though just that little minor things like that as a kid and i'd be like i'd love that sandwich like that i would look forward to lunch break so i could eat this you know all parts of the different animal it's so weird isn't it because it's like on the one hand i get it it's more fun because there's a picture on it and everything's more fun if it's in the shape of something else or there's a picture on it but just like let's just imagine like you know those things in the supermarket where they slice the ham and they put it on a big wheel. Imagine just like a clown on there

and they're just sort of slicing. It's pretty dark. It is, it is. It's a really dark place. Because obviously that's where it comes from, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what I'm going to tell my son if he ever asks for it. Nip that in the bud. Yes, well, I would never give my kid no weird luncheon meat now. No.

You know what I'm saying though? Or like, even just like those oven, you know, chicken dippers and stuff. Like I just wouldn't, I just don't think

I'd give it to them. Like my mum, oh mate, that's all that. But I was a 90s baby so it was just, you know, sunny delight

and chicken dippers. Every now and again though, I use it as an excuse to like, there's something that I want to eat that I can't, you know,

like chicken dippers and I'll be like, oh I remember an excuse to, like, there's something I want to eat that I can't, you know, like chicken dippers. And I'll be like, oh, I remember you used to make chicken dipper sandwiches and I loved them when I'm hungover or something. Now I've got a child. He might like them. Then I can nick a few on the side. And he's like, he's like, I'm not touching it. This is disgusting. And I said, shit, I've raised you too well already.

Well, I bought them. I'm going to, daddy's going to have a black bean sandwich. Your kids are like, I'll just have a tub of hummus please yeah he is he is quite like that

yeah yeah it's just the palates have changed man like you couldn't like my little sister is 16 and she doesn't

like soda right go McDonald's she's a vegetarian now as well but she'll go McDonald's like when she was

eating meat and without for water and that's just like mcdonald's like when she was eating meat and without for water and that's just like a man and i'm talking about when she was like in a you know early teens like when i used to take a mcdonald's when she was a kid and she was just like not like coke and i just remember thinking that's mental but it's just the palates change isn't it of the generational palates change you know i think they're just a lot healthier like they don't smoke cigarettes they don't you know glue. They don't sniff glue no more. Mad. That's disgusting.

Well, more for the rest of us, along with our clown meat and British Rail hamburgers. Were they even choosing that hamburger, or was it just... I can't remember. I think there was, yeah. But I think that was it. It was like bread, meat, cheese, bread. Was it like a Rustler's burger, you think?

That quality? Probably. I mean, it can't have been good. And I was like, allowed them as my sort of like, oh, this will keep him quiet. Yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, I just remembered it the other day and I was like, that is fucking bizarre.

Yeah, man, that is weird. That's a weird choice of favourite burger. I know, I know. And it must have been microwaved in the box because it had this real like plasticky smell anyway um so bad cheesecakes off a plane forever is your food choice what are you gonna wash it down with them uh my my worst one what red wine red wine i hate red wine like i absolutely did like i think it's the worst because i've had like and everyone's tried

to convince me about red wine especially as i've got older into my nearly i'm nearly into my 30s now and people trying to convince me but for me i've had an expensive glass and i've had you know a two pound bottle and it all tastes the same it all tastes like vinegar i just think it's foul it smells horrible it just makes me i just i think it's nasty man i so like i've spoke about this before on the podcast and i like red wine i'm not very fussy with food and drink as you can tell from my train burgers but um like the thing even though i like it the thing that's pissing me off more and more these days is like it's always different and like if you find one wine that you like you'll come back and it might be one year later or something why does this taste different yeah and it feels like in the year

2020 like i just want some consistency it's like if i buy the same beer it's always the same this makes me seem quite boring but it's like every other product on earth have worked out how to make it the same and like and wine have gone ah it's part of our mystery like it's not supposed to because of the earth and you're like yeah but everything's grown in the ground make it taste yeah i want the same bottle of wine it shouldn't it shouldn't change year to year but if you have a bottle of heineken if you keep it in a cool place you drink that beer a year later most likely it's going to taste somewhat resemblance but wine is just i don't i don't like how people i don't like people that love wine either and they really go oh this is a and the body is thick and shut up what are you talking about it just tastes like

vinegar you know they they really go on it's this and you can really taste the dust and and and the you know the the berries it's like off it tastes like shit really annoys me and now there's like a new you know in restaurants now like it's quite hipster to have like natural wine and they go oh yeah it's good because it's got like it doesn't have any of the chemicals and shit that they put in all the preservatives and stuff do they put preservatives and wine in that apparently so apparently there's or like which is great yeah i you know i don't know what they put in it but apparently this stuff's better and sometimes you drink it and it's like this tastes like it smells like a farmyard like why are we pretending this is nice put the chemicals back in i don't care like yeah i mean it's not nicer that's the one thing that i think as society we need to admit that putting chemicals in things does make it

taste better i'm not saying it's better for you but it does make it msg is delicious it's delicious it's that chat that when you get chinese food with smg it's better you know chemically modified foods are just but they just taste but they're sweeter they're juicier you know i'm saying this idea that organic is better a lot of the times this isn't true well i mean yeah like you say it's like probably better for us but not like in terms of what it tastes like yeah and i think your choice of red wine as well i mean let's pair that with your shit cheesecake and like that's that's clashing horrible isn't it that's a real clash isn't it because cheesecake cheese well just cheese go with wine though

cheese and wine goes very well but i think as soon as you add like the sweetness yeah it's gonna make the wine i think that pairing would be horrible i think i'm not going to enjoy this desert island experience man no no i mean the one saving grace about picking red wine it doesn't matter if it's like not cold so you know that's one saving grace but i think yeah it's not i think that's what i hate about red wine is you drink it warm like i don't like warm alcohol i think that's like the same with like whiskey i'm not a big whiskey guy and you know like if i drink whiskey i I like JD with some Coke. I don't want expensive whiskey.

You drink warm with no ice. It's just like a really... Wine, to me, feels like a very unenjoyable experience. And if my effect is I just want to get pissed, I think there's more enjoyable ways to do it. Fair enough. And I think, as well, it's something that's going to make you feel thirstier the more you drink it as well it gives you a very dry mouth like you know you're just going to want some cold glass of water and you're

never going to get it no yeah i think it's a good a good choice you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system

continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why um the first one so my least favorite film is called warriors of virtue i don't know if you you ever seen Warriors of Virtue? So, I've looked this up so I'm aware of what it is. I mean, it sounds like some kind of weird alt-right kind of propaganda film, doesn't it? It's going to be about the German

soldiers or something. Tell everyone, give us a little synopsis. So this came out when I was a kid and basically what happened was they had done a big push for this film. So they thought this film was going to be huge. So they made toys and all different types of stuff, like all different merchandise.

They thought it was going to be massive, right? And it turned out to be a flop. And basically what the film is, is this kid, he's getting bullied. And they chase him down the sewer. And it's proper like nighties, what they think tough kids look like. So it's got like, you know, it's kids riding bikes and one of them's got like a wristband with spikes on it. You know, that's the bullies. And he falls into the sewer of water and he goes into a different dimension.

And when he goes to this different dimension dimension it's basically kangaroos that do martial arts so they're like humanoid they're sort of anamorphic kangaroos that do martial arts and i remember as a kid i liked it and then i watched it back for nostalgia and it's honestly one of the most terrible films i've ever seen in my life. And as a kid, it serves its purpose. I mean, you just want to see people doing kung fu and shit and jumping off the walls and all of that. But it's honestly horrifyingly bad.

It looks very much like a group of people have sat there in a big boardroom and gone, right, what do kids like? They like the Goonies. They like the Ninja Turtles. They like Star Wars. And they've tried to put all of it together you're like right they're in a sewer uh they ride bikes there's a geeky kid who's going to come good eventually uh there's a bit of fantasy looks a bit like the ewoks of the forest land and it's like what you know it's it's obviously why you

know you can't just kind of take a load of good ingredients and smash them together and make something else good, you know. But it looks so designed by committee. It is, man. The fact that they did loads of merchandising. They obviously had that in mind at the beginning. I used to have the toys. I remember I used to have the toys. Because you could buy the toys, I think up until a couple years ago, that's how much they didn't shift.

That you could buy the toys at like pound shops. Right. And you see them, you know when you ever go into them shops that sell nothing but everything? Yeah. You know those ones you see them, like you live in London?

Yeah. Yeah, you see them in London, they'll sell like Rizzler and a samurai sword. You know those type of little shops like, and you get like cleaning products there. And they basically still sell those toys toys sometimes you can find them um i'm just looking up right now because i want to see what the budget was because the budget oh the budget was 35 million dollars wow and it was a long time ago and this was 1997 and then it made six and a half million. So it's a bad flop. And like IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes gave it 18%.

Empire reviewed it as two out of five. Like it's bad, man. But that on repeat, I think there's nothing worse than like just a horrifyingly bad film on repeat. And it's like all the worst traits in a film where it's predictable storyline, it's sort of nonsensical, and just to have that.

And it's like a long film. I think as well, it's one of those films that you watch the trailer for it and you suddenly go, oh my God, it was 1997. This feels like it was made in the early eighties or something. Yeah. It looks so bad. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And they say words like, I hate when they have these kids trying to be tough guys and they'll say stuff like, yeah, scram. And it's just, that,

it's just really does my night. Cause you're watching, you go, who would get bullied by this kid? You know what I'm saying though? Yeah. Yeah. And then,

you know, and at the end, the nerd then does karate and it's just, oh, it's and it's like i know you know obviously they as a studio they can't just have kids swearing and stuff but it's like this is like someone from 20 years earlier remembering what their childhood might have been like and no one's checked with that at least check with some kids like is this vaguely believable is this this relatable? Yeah, it's just this shit. And it's like, you know, and there's like the girls there and the girl fancies the nerd, but she can't say it because she's hanging out.

It's just like, what the hell are we watching, man? And then it's just and it makes no sense to why when he goes in the water in the sewer that he ends up in another dimension. Like it's never explained. It never goes like, Oh, you was holding a certain stone or it was a certain time. It's just like,

nah, if you jump in the sewer, you go to a different dimension. Yeah. It's not like he finds someone else down there, like just like a, you know, public engineer who just slipped down once.

Cause he wasn't wearing a harness. And he was like, Oh my God, you fell through too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

If no one else has ever fell through this dimension, it's mad. It's like mad. And I posted on my Instagram story and someone was like, oh my God, you fell through too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If no one else has ever fell through this dimension, it's mad. It's like mad. And I posted on my Instagram story and someone was like, oh my God, I thought I dreamt this film. Because it's just such a mad film that everyone kind of, like a lot of people saw and people have it in their head. But they go, did that happen? Did I really see this film? Because it's just such a mad film of kangaroos doing kung fu. Yeah, and it's sort of, because it looks a bit like lots of other things that you've seen,

it feels like maybe you've seen it as well. It's like, is this, oh no, I think I'm getting confused with that Dolph Lundgren He-Man film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a bit of that, bit of Goonies, bit of everything. And it's just mouted up into like a really bad film. And they put bucks, like when you put 35 million into a film in 1997 you but you really believed that that film was going to be big but i think 99 i think the 90s especially the late 90s mid to late 90s there was a lot of those things where they were just trying to have another version of a thing that

was popular you know so they had like you know i'm sure there was like a bunch of terminator like films or a bunch of rambo like films or you know i mean goonie type films and they do it with kids a lot like i remember you know you obviously had teenage mutant ninja turtles and then you had biker mice from mars yeah well this is that's just one state you're like okay they're not mice i mean they're not turtles but they also live in sewers yeah mice you know like they're not ninjas they're bikers you know you remember there was one where the sharks lived on like lived i think the sharks lived in the sewer and they would like it was like these sharks of human bodies i thought was it called land sharks yes you remember that right i actually saw a biker mice a biker mice um halloween costume at the car boots out

yeah yeah i was at the car boots out and there's a halloween biker mice costume and it was like bruh that's gonna take a lot of explaining for kids these days yeah yeah yeah yeah that was that about i remember biker i remember i had all the toys of biker mice and one guy had like the eye patch and he's had the earrings and that that was such a magic yeah i found biker mice i wonder if someone's worked out a formula of like the amount of times you can just take a concept and twist it slightly and still be commercially successful yeah i mean i guess i mean i think biker mice wasn't a huge flop though was it i remember i remember i remember biker mice i mean i had the toys so i don't think it could have been that bad because you had we had pokemon then you

had digimon you you know? Like, there was an era where it was just putting Mon at the end of things you capture. You know? That was like the big thing. Or, what people wanted to do was make things that could be transferred into cards.

You had Yu-Gi-Oh! You had, you know, and then there was like, there was sort of Bayblades. Bayblades was, that was the big one, Bayblades,

when I was a kid. All of these things, they obviously start with the merchandising first, don't they? And then they kind of... It's mad. Yeah, so, and what was the name? So, Lords of... No, what's it called?

Warriors of Fortune. Virtue. Virtue. Yeah, Warriors of Virtue. Yeah, it's a weird, weird title. Yeah. It was just an all-round strange movie that they really had high hopes for, and it just didn't pan out.

And it's just really done terribly and lost a lot of money i think it's one of those type of flops where people lost their job over it you know all right so that's going to be your film choice then and uh what what's your song choice going to be my song choice would be anything from the beatles. So that's a controversial one. Anything from the Beatles. I just don't get it, mate. Wow. And what is it? Because obviously, as I say, it's controversial.

What is it particularly about the Beatles that you don't like? It's just boring. Don't get it, mate. Absolutely never got it. Don't get what I'm listening to. It was either Beatles or I was going to pick, you know, that music where they scream. You know what I mean? Yeah, like sort of death metal

or something like that. Yeah, I think that's, it's weird because when it comes to rap music, I can understand multi-salamics and, do you know what I'm saying? I pick up on every single word

they're saying. I pick up on the premise. But band music, you see when they sort of sing band music, I generally cannot pick up on the words. Okay. Even if I'm listening to some band music, I really don't understand. My brain doesn't comprehend what they're saying.

And the Beatles is one of them. I don't know Beatles lyrics. All I know is We Will Live in the Yellow Submarine. I don't know what the're saying and the Beatles is one of them like I don't know Beatles lyrics what I know is we all live in the yellow submarine I don't know what the rest of the song is oh yeah I mean if you're gonna pick one beat I mean that's probably the one that you need to know the lyrics about the late the least yeah but I just I find I just find the Beatles just I just just don't I just don't get it you just really don't get the hype about it man I feel like you know so I'm not, I mean, I like the Beatles. I'm not someone who knows everything about them.

Like, I'm not kind of an evangelist or anything like that. But, I mean, it is a big controversy. I like the controversial choices, so I can tell there's going to be. But I think, you know what, for every person screaming at their phone, just going, what, the Beatles? You can't, you can't. There's probably quite a lot of people who are like, yes, I've thought this for ages and wasn't ever allowed to say it do you know what i mean yeah it's just it's just fine

you know like people going like it the revolution it wasn't it it was just a guy singing while the rest of them played an instrument and it was and it sounded fine you know there's no there's no big heavy songs that like that that resonate and that really hit you in the spirit it's all just kind of there like the beach boy like like they just they just sound like the you know they have the same level of effect to me as the beach boys right okay i think for me one thing that i i suppose like as i get older and older it's like i can respect a lot of bands and people and things, but there's a level where there's too much adulation about them.

And I think with the Beatles, I know someone who's obsessed by the Beatles and they've got this book at a car boot sale. It's like a big 400-page book all about the Beatles. Or so he thought because he got in there, he started reading it when he got home, and it covers all the history leading up to the point where the Beatles formed. Yeah, he gives it to you.

So it's all the social history until they formed, and then the book ends. And he was like, this isn't even, this is just about the social background, which is kind of interesting. But at the point when you're writing a 400-page book about that, maybe you need to start listening to another band. Yeah, it's too cold. Because maybe you've got, you know know you know enough right now yeah and this isn't really a book about the beatles this is a book about social history in the early 60s or something you know yeah maybe

move on now and the fact that someone wrote a whole book like this is the social history about a mediocre band that made media and then they do this weird thing where they're all playing like Indian guitars. And it's just like, what am I watching, man? You know, what am I listening to? This stuff's trash.

Absolute garbage, mate. And it's like, and Liverpool, oh my God, they love the Beatles. Like, it's just like,

I played at this one venue and the guy was like, you know, this was like the place that the Beatles done their first show. And I'm like, oh, cool, man. You know, who cares? I, I was like, you know, this was like the place that the Beatles done their first show. And I'm like, oh, cool, man. You know? Who cares? I guess, like, that's the thing with a band that have been so prolific. There's so many.

It's like, you know, you go to, like, churches around Europe and they're like, oh, we have this very sacred artifact. It's the toenail of a saint that once did this thing near Jesus. And you're like, uh. And it's a bit like that with the Beatles. You're like, rumour has it that uh and prolific how though like how many big songs did they have i think they got quite a lot i mean i'm trying to be sort of diplomatic here but i don't know like i suppose one person described them as like because their career was seven years long so

they went from being the equivalent of like a one direction to being a sort of a radio head within seven years so i think that as someone who struggles to get anything done ever i quite respect that i'm looking i'm looking at um their albums on spotify right now the abbey road album 40 songs come on 40 songs mate not even tupac has a 40 song album the albums are too long mate 40 songs sergeant pepper that sounds trash um rubber soul not even gonna look at that it's just yeah man i just i just i just i just think it's just this just just having to listen to any of their songs on repeat would just i just i think i'd call my eyes out i think bear grills would definitely be a fan so that's another thing that's

another reason bear grills would love the bills he would like he yeah he would love them and i just yeah i i can't listen to them man fair enough fair enough i'm you know what and every now and again i get a choice where i'm like i love how controversial this is and i can just imagine everyone at home just sort of like this is this is going to do the equivalent of breaking the Internet. Yeah, you will be so mad at this. But every now and again, I find it really hard to like to chip back in because I've just started listening to the Beatles with my son. And I'm like, this is such a great introduction to music. Show him, show him, show him, show him, show him Biggie ready to die.

Stop showing him The Beatles. That's what he needs to listen to. Well, my plan is to do both. I'm just playing with you. I mean, there's no way he's not going to listen to some Biggie Smalls at some point, obviously. I mean, that's seminal in a different way. Of course. But yeah, fair enough.

So any song by The Beatles. Right. Now, Jamali, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I would say a cat. Okay. I have a cat. I like cats.

You know what I mean? Yeah, me too. But I ain't got an issue with cats, but we've got to look where we are. There's an island. You don't want them. You know what I mean? Because it's like, even once you domesticate them, they offer no help. You know what I mean?

They don't hunt for you. It's not like a dog where a dog will hunt, guard, do this, do that. If a cat finds food, it will eat the food. It won't bring it to you. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying, though? Like, even when they bring you a dead bird,

they're not bringing you that dead bird, like, look, eat. It's bringing you a dead bird of, like, i did you know yeah yeah witness my power yeah witness my power because it's like cats it's that it's that old saying where you're you own dogs cats own people you know yeah like you you're sort of a whim to your cat and i've got a cat and i love my cat my cat's a good cat like my cat doesn't scratch people you know when my little cousin was mad little and he's like stroking it too hard it doesn't you know bite and that because some cats you know scratch if it's getting stroked too hard with kids never did none of that you know really nice cat but then on a desert island it's just worthless yeah I mean

as I record this my cat is sitting next to me on the bed and you know he's a lovely boy but you know pretty useless and he's he's eight years old he's only getting lazier as time goes on and i mean what i like about cats is that you know people go dogs you know man's best friend always so pleased to see you and i'm like yeah but you know if you meet a person like that yeah there's there's a bit too much it's like how are you so excited yeah like i've just been in the shop for five minutes like calm down this is too much yeah you know and then when dogs are aloof it's not a good thing either you know yeah like you kind of don't want your dog not to care about you either like on the desert island you need a team of people that are going to like die for each other yeah you know they're not going to stop until they've found the food or, like, solved the problem or made sure everyone's safe.

Whereas, like, if everyone was just, like, a cat, you'd be like, all right, fuck you then. I'm going to go and eat and then maybe do something. But I'm not telling you about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just go. Like, and cats have different owners. Like, I had a cat. I got a cat.

My cat just went missing for three weeks and come back looked fed looked cared for like i went holiday and so the people across the road started feeding my cat so my cat goes there now constantly looking for do you know what i'm saying though like there's no law you know yeah there's no law in cats and you can't and like worse comes to worse if the cats overrun the island you can't really even eat a cat i don't think no it's not going to be great i don't think no and and it's that thing of like you know doesn't matter that you're like basically you know your cat's part of the family you've nurtured and loved it since it was a kitten but still every now and again you're like do you want you know try and give it a stroke or a cuddle and it's just like fuck you man what are

you doing what are you doing like you know like you're trying to do something really weird to it. And you're like, oh, well, all right. Yeah. Fuck off then. Like your cat, your cat would just, and like the thing is about your cat as well is that it won't miss you when you're gone. Like if I had my cat now, love, you know, nice cat, jumps on your lap for a stroke. Lovely cat.

If we just went missing, the cat would go, okay, i guess i'm feral now like there's no like a dog will try and find you yeah there's none of that like sitting by its owner's grave no no cat no cats don't care i mean you might get one in a blue moon but you know cats in general i just think on a desert island you're gonna want something a bit more that you could use yeah for survival as opposed to just having there. And it just eats extra food and doesn't help. Yeah, or even if you couldn't use it, just something that you could sort of like

just offload with and just sort of enjoy the company. You know, you've had a hard day with the other you and your mate who's not really pulling his weight and Bear Grylls. And you're just like, oh, there's that animal. Let's bond. Let's have a nice cuddle. And it's true what you say, though.

You could have that cat for 30 years and then you go and stroke it. It's just like, do I know you? Yeah. You know, it's just, yeah. And they're just, you know, I think they are the ultimate dick of the animal world. And I love them. I'm a cat man. I'm a dog man deep in my heart.

I'm a dog man. But, like, I love cats, man. I like animals in general, you know. Yeah, same, man. I like animals in general, you know, but these cats are just, I just, you know, on a desert island, they're just the worst one to have.

Have you ever met a cat owner where their cats are kind of strangely affectionate? Like there's this one girl I know and she has two house cats and she, and, and they can't go out cause it's in like downtown la you know so that you just can't let them out and um and they're just strange man like they're too they're just way too affectionate and they just like they wake her up in the morning and it's just it's too much and you go you'll catch your light like that yeah it's suspicious maybe it's like is this because they don't go out this is the only change of scene they've got.

I really don't know what it is, man. But I've met the cats too, and they're just strange cats, man. Like one of them, yeah, one of them's got like boss-eyed and is weird. But the other cat's like, it's just strange. I don't think your cat should be that affectionate. Yeah, I mean, you know, like, as I said, my cats are asleep on the bed next to me as I record this. And, you know, some animals,

I would maybe feel bad about being so rude about them and their species in front of them. said my cats are asleep on the bed next to me as i record this and you know some animals i would maybe feel bad about being so rude about them and their species in front of them you know even though they can't understand of course there's this point you know you feel a bit aware of it the only reason i don't mind is like i know i don't mind saying cats are idiots next to my cat because i know he doesn't give a fuck about what i think he would agree any of my opinions he's like yeah whatever you fucking lose yeah and he would agree with you if you'd be like you're a dick and you go yeah yeah so are you what yeah he wouldn't care brother he would do that thing of like he'll try and make you flinch like you've got to punch you and make you flinch in there yeah it's like i'm still the boss around here yeah yeah good a fine choice jamali and uh yeah added to

the rest of your choice i think you've made a pretty horrendous habitat for yourself and for everyone else so uh you've succeeded very well in the in the um in the point of this uh this podcast so well done i'm glad and now jamali where can uh people sort of hear or see more of you at the minute well i mean with lockdown this you ain't going to be seeing much of me, really. I mean, I'm on all the socials under my name, Jamali Maddox. And I'm going to try. I just thought about it today. I'm going to try and do some outdoor shows, you know, if the weather holds up.

Yeah. It doesn't get worse. So I'm going to try and do some live stuff. Because I know there's like people who are trying to experiment with stuff, doing it outside or doing it on a rooftop so I might try and do some Jamali and friends and stuff so look out for that

but that's about it really cool nice one well thanks again for coming on Desert Island thanks for having me brother alright bye Bye.