Desert Island Dicks - JAMES DEACON

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Dan Benedictus is the saviour! "Who!?", you may ask. He was my guest for the very first episode of the podcast but now returns to become the host! Consider this 'the changing of the guard'. What it means for you is more episodes of Desert Island Dicks! Hoorah. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island dicks with us today is podcaster and host of Desert Island Dicks, James Deacon. That is so good. Dan, honestly, hearing you say it is one of the most surreal things for many reasons right now, but it's great.

It's fantastic. I'm so glad to hear it. James, I'm glad to hear it james i'm glad to hear it too but the listeners are going to be confused what the hell you're the host of desert island dicks what's happening not anymore so um you are now the host of desert island dicks so thanks man it's okay so i think we um we talked about it and uh recently i've've been too busy to give the listeners what they need. And we've been talking about doing a podcast together for a while. Yeah.

And I just sort of thought that you are a big fan of Desert Island Dicks. Dan, for the listeners, you might recognize Dan from the very first episode of Desert Island Dicks because you are the raison d'etre when it comes to Desert Island Dicks I remember it was sort of like July August time and Dan and I used to work together at a radio station and we used to sit together and almost every day Dan would say to me when are you going to start that podcast when are you going to do that podcast and the whole time I was just like oh I'll do it soon I'll do it soon it took me until probably October to eventually start doing it and you were like well why don't you just record one with me and that got the ball rolling and then it was almost

every week for a few years and so we talked about it and you listened to a lot of episodes and you always said that uh that you love the podcast and i just thought dan this is the perfect opportunity for you to host the podcast i think i said don't worry if you die i'll take over it'll be okay no i think that's probably what you said yeah yeah but um i'm not dead you're not dead you're welcome to it well there was a chance you know you were getting so busy it looked at one point like desert island dicks might cease to exist and you know i couldn't let that happen because it's my favorite podcast so now i feel i feel incredibly fortunate to be uh stepping into your shoes dan i'm very happy for you to step into my shoes i'm so i'm really

excited i know that you've got a couple episodes pre-recorded am i allowed to say this yeah yeah we need something to look forward to i know we'll address that in a moment but uh uh you've recorded some episodes and i can't wait to hear how you sound doing the podcast i sound like one of those couples that were like one of the couple wants to see the other person having sex with someone else uh but it's a podcast am i allowed to say that it's sort of like podcast swinging at this point it is kind of like podcast swinging will i return i don't know but my keys i'm gonna leave my keys in the bowl let's see what happens okay okay well look we're gonna be back at the end well we're gonna be here throughout the whole thing but at the end we're

gonna talk more about what's gonna happen from now on yeah about future us dan should we address the elephant in the room the fact that um it may sound like we're in two different houses because we are yeah so the timing of me taking over desert island dicks was uh slightly awkward because we started recording a couple of episodes and now the whole world has seemingly been locked down because of old our old friend covid19 and so rather than wait until it's all over and then we realize that you you nice listeners deserve a bit of entertainment in inverted commas um so we thought we're just going to start recording now so currently i'm holding my phone and speaking to james on a video call and we're both recording separately so this might not sound as smooth as normal i feel like i wanted to address it because i'm like who's this new guy who doesn't sound as

good as james used to no not at all it's just um given the circumstance we'd rather i think continue and give the you guys the listeners the entertainment that you deserve yeah so we're going to put it out so some we've recorded and and will sound normal some we haven't yet recorded so we'll sound different because they'll be recorded online somehow but we're gonna we're gonna keep pumping them out that's great dan thank you very much um okay now james should we get into the meat of it because i know this is very awkward for you i think we just need to dive right in is that okay yes let's dive in it's so good to hear you say it let's let's do it james who's gonna be your first dick dan my first dick from my island is gonna be me yeah there were so many reasons why i'd put myself on the island and i know you're thinking

this is a cop out right well i'm more thinking that you're gonna be there anyway i know i'm gonna be there anyway yes but i'm gonna have to live with myself down okay okay the reason i'm gonna put myself on this island is because uh obviously to do this podcast, I've had to come up with my own choices for Desert Island Dicks and it's much harder than I thought it would be. I've made so many people do this on an almost weekly basis that I feel somewhat guilty now for what you have to go through. I've racked my brains to try and think of who should go on this island and it's hard well it's really difficult i mean i've heard you say before i

think there's a fundamental difference it's like people either find it really difficult because they're essentially a nice person and don't want to put people on the island oh stop it come on or they find it difficult to narrow it down because there's so many people they could. I'm in the latter camp and I think you're definitely in the former. Yeah. I mean, I've just been doing this podcast for a couple of years. I don't know if I mentioned that about 17 times since we started this a few minutes ago. But I, yeah, I mean, I've been doing this for so long.

You would think that on a weekly basis I'd be thinking oh yeah I'd stick those on them on the island but what I think it goes to show is that just because I thought of this format doesn't mean I'm going to be the master of it I think it's like I just um uh I just feel like it was a lot harder than I give people credit for, I think. So for that reason, I'm putting me on the island. Okay. I mean, obviously, we're good friends. I think you're a nice guy.

You've got a lot going for you. I mean, you used to have a great podcast. But I mean, what would be difficult about spending time with yourself on the island? Oh, I'd be annoying. I'd be very annoying. I mean, we are in self-isolation right now, and I'm pretty sure my wife is planning on killing me. She is like, I think that, I just like, I think I make comments,

and as soon as they come out of my mouth, I just think, oh my God, that's annoying. I've also got this persistent annoyance where I come up with unnecessary ideas all the time. It's a real problem. And I'll say, do you know what they should do about Yorkshire puddings? And then I'll just reel off something that's been going through my head. I think that would become frustrating.

Okay, so you're sitting on the island and you are going up to yourself going, James, do you know what we should do? We should really move these coconuts from here to there and in that way we'll have a bowling alley and they can be the Skittles or something like that. Exactly, exactly, yeah, yeah. Or I'd be thinking about stuff about home that is completely unnecessary.

I'd be like, do you know what they should use as an alternative for glue? Do you know what I mean? That kind of stuff that's just like, there's going to be no use to us whatsoever on Desert Island. You have a lot in common though with yourself. I do have a lot in common with myself because I am myself. But I think that the voice inside my head is only going to grow throughout being on the island.

And what it will grow to be is annoying for me, I think. So, I mean, apart from the sort of constant ideas and conversation do you think there's anything i mean going deep is there anything you're scared of noticing about yourself oh my god uh anything i'm scared of noticing about myself on the island um not that i don't already know uh constant self-judgment and um picking up my inadequacies probably i mean that would be a given for anyone with on their own but if you could see another version of yourself they're really in plain sight there's like probably all kinds of little facial tics and things you don't even know that you do that you're also going to see if you saw yourself as a third person what have you noticed looking at me what are you picking up all these weird

facial tics no i'm saying you know i mean there's like if you see yourself on video you can suddenly go oh right i'm used to seeing a picture of myself but when you see your like your face actually moving you're like oh is that what oh yeah i mean the podcast listeners may not know what i look like but uh i do have a particularly rubbery face and i do i am often pulling faces and uh i've got little kids and my daughter she like tries and does the faces back to me so i must be doing them all the time um i think like i walk with a stride and i've got a massive head that probably wind me up i walk with this bizarre stride you know like when they've got a footage a Bigfoot, you know, like footage of like a Bigfoot. But in the distance, it's kind of blurry and it walks with its hands sort of looped behind in a long stride.

I'm kind of like that. And I also have a massive head. So, yeah, that would probably annoy me after a while. And also, I wonder if it's going to cause friction because, you know, you're trying to get along with the other people on the island, but, you know, you're likely to form an alliance with the other you just because it's easier. You don't have to, you know, you can cut the chit-chat and get straight to it. Or, you know, maybe the other you will form an alliance with the others. Maybe the other you will be more popular than you.

Yes. You know, that's going to be a bit of a pill to swallow. Yes. That would really annoy me because I'd be like, I am literally me. Like, why is he better than me? I'm the same guy. But other James is turning them against you. I think, like, I do, yeah, I do probably have a bit of a superiority complex and i would probably have it

over myself um for example once i went on a cycle i don't cycle but i once i went on a cycling trip with some friends this is like the one time i bought a bike to go on this trip and we'd been cycling for a long time and we bought barely any food and had barely any money so we're on a campsite and uh for some entertainment we thought we were going by some cheap cider and save enough money to go for like one in the pub so we drank all this cider and got really drunk then we went to this pub we went to the pub in the light we drank our pint and then it got dark and we were pissed out of our heads and we were trying to get back to where we were staying and we were all so drunk not only could

we barely ride our bikes but we just couldn't find our way at all and then it took it was taking ages it took us about 15 minutes to get to the pub it was taking like 45 to get back we got lost in the dark and eventually i found the way right i found the way back i was just like it's down here and it got us back and in my drunken state i kept on mentioning about how good i was at finding the way back until one of my friends turned around and says fuck off deacon you've got a messiah complex and uh we had to like yeah we had a bit of a falling out the next day hungover was quite awkward but that is why i would be annoying on the island okay james deacon with his colossal head and messiah complex exactly yeah is that fair well i mean is you you saying it about

yourself are you saying is it fair of me to say that about yourself it's not fair um no no no but i've said it so it's fine okay um james anything else on yourself before we move on? Anything else on myself before we move on? I don't tan easily, so I'm just going to be walking around like a red lobster man most of the time. Okay. Okay, so a sunburnt James Deacon joins you on the island. Who's going to be your next dick? Okay, my next dick is more of a serious one is it me

dan it is someone else okay it is a person so all i'm going to say is they are a person but they are an all i've written here i've written awful twice they They are an awful, awful person. Okay. Okay. So this is a person that I've encountered in my own life. And I had some dealings with. And I've got to be really careful to not give away too many details. But this person is like the most vile person. And you know me, Dan. I try to like all people i would say the best in people you're one of the most relentlessly positive people i've ever met i mean that in a

nice way i think you do see the good in people so for you to be coming out with this this must be a bad apple it's difficult it's um yeah so without giving too much away it's someone that i was involved with in some capacity and they are just terrible to be around they are rude belittling sexist all of these things and just like has no idea has no idea i don't think about any of this stuff but just continues and persists and to give a little bit like saying i'm a nice person i have started doing these boxing classes on a monday and i think i make them i get the most out of the boxing classes because whenever i go i think about this person wow does that make me is that crazy no i think it makes total sense i'm just trying to work out if

it's more or less of positive thing that you're getting out your anger in this way is that positive or negative i don't know it seems fine quite fun, really. I think it's positive because I leave feeling relaxed. And I don't see this person anymore. I don't have to be around this person anymore. And so, yeah, I don't have to think about them. It's just every now and again, they creep in. Because, you know, when you, like, one particular extreme in your life you won't forget, right? And this is the most extreme of a person.

Okay, so he's like a type we all know. Did I say he? I don't remember saying he. No, I think I just said he. I think you've been very careful. I don't know if it's he or not. I don't know who you're talking about. They.

They represent a very particular type of person that we all know. careful i don't know if it's he or not i don't know who you're talking about um they they represent a very particular type of person that we all know but you you they're the sort of the the chief dick i think it hits me harder with this person because um yes i think you're right it's relatable in a way that you do encounter these people um i just think for me like i said before i generally really like to see the best in people and i wanted to see the best in this person but it hit me harder because no matter how hard i try i can't see through it i can't see i can't see past it i mean it's just um so it almost holds a mirror up to your own kind of it makes you feel like you're failing because you should see past it but you can't because they're awful i just think i've never

felt like this about someone before and uh i don't need to be reminded of that every day on a desert island i don't think and so presumably i don't know who this person is for listeners by the way so but i'm guessing it sounds like a sort of you know there has been a working relationship of some kind some kind of power balance there was not quite working but like interesting relationship yeah okay i'm gonna have to fill you in after more detail i can feel your intrigue there's only so much I can give away but when we were talking about doing this episode this changing of the guard

I think that this person just rang through my mind as soon as we talked about it for the entire time and I've never thought about them throughout the entirety of doing Desert Island Dicks but I don't think I could do this podcast any justice without putting this

person on the island good good i like a stone cold solid dick going on the island that's good and so okay so let's let's boil it down you said that they were sexist rude i mean how will their sort of behaviors manifest on the island for want of a better word i think like bossy um that definite superiority complex. Yeah, and I think that this person would sit back and just try and get everyone else to do all of the stuff on the island that needs to be done and still complain that not enough has been done.

Okay, and not sort of recognising what they're doing as well. Yeah, they would think that they were doing the best for everyone by telling everyone what to do. Okay, this does sound like a hellish environment and also i mean you've already got to get over all the weird sort of freudian problems with your other self in any way and now you're dealing i know that's what a mess what a mess and do you think at least me at least other me me and other me could come together and be like agree on this other person i think yeah yeah do you think it's one of those things like sometimes when you really

dislike someone it's easy to tell them but sometimes like their behavior is partly because you're just sort of sitting there festering hating them but you can never they have that personality you can never quite tell them just to piss off is it that sort of thing do you think you'd be sort of stuck in a loop with them definitely and i think that you could even try but then they would say are you okay do you know what i mean it's like it's not they were like they would never see their own failings it would always be your fault that they were like that yeah so if you got upset and snapped it'd be like oh sorry you're obviously having a difficult day is it is it you is you isn't it yeah it's you yeah yeah yeah but they maybe go and chop some wood for us and you'll feel better you can yeah you can finish collecting that wood

later that's fine you just leave it for a little bit and then come back but make sure you get all of the wood that i told you to get so there's someone who would automatically kind of take charge and throw their weight around a bit. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. 100%. So unbearable. And then maybe they're going to sort of try and get the... That sounds like they're going to get the other you to gang up on you.

Divide and conquer. Divide and conquer. Yes. Oh, for sure. Like, they would be completely trying to rope in other me. Definitely. So this sounds like the sort of person as well. I mean, we've all known

people like this who like you have nothing to do with anymore but still they can just instantly flip the switch and make you incredibly angry just by thinking about them you're kind of you get you get your heart raised honestly i um i thank them in a way because i i make the most of going to a boxing class on a monday but um but yeah, whenever they creep into my mind, usually, yeah, it just stresses me out. Okay. Anything more on the mystery dick face before we cast them around to the island?

No, I think I've said enough. I think I've said everything I need to say. And, you know, I'm sure other people encounter these kind of people, but for the reasons that I said before this person needs to go on the island okay fine well they're on there with you James who's going to be

your third dick who can't I stand this part's so difficult for me like once we were on a festival and everyone was getting really annoyed with this one guy but I just didn't see it. But everyone was just constantly telling me how annoying it was.

But I was like, oh, he's fine. Just leave him alone. Right. To cop out for a third time, I'm going to choose a guy from my school. And I don't really mind saying his name. His name's Will. Okay. And I can't even remember his surname.

Okay. Let's just say will for ambiguity there's a guy that i went to school with called will okay and i like to get on with everyone as we've mentioned before but for some reason he had chosen me as his nemesis right so at school he was a similar size to me, maybe slightly shorter, similar build. But he had one upper hand, which always filled me with fear. And I don't know whether this is true or not, but he always claimed that he had no feeling in his right hand and he could punch forever. That's a good tactical schoolboy boast, isn't it?

Because that's always going to be his thing well yeah so he he would go around and it was just like once i'm sure i remember him just repeatedly punching a locker to prove that he had no feeling in his hand wow that's a kind of because you only have to do that once and then everyone's you've got that you know you've got that whole thing for the rest of your life and it goes round and people know that that's your thing and the people are you don't mess with him because he's anyway he'd chosen me as his nemesis we just never saw eye to eye maybe because he was slightly shorter than i was but he um he did he did also have a massive head which i think was key to our sort of nemeses because there's only room for one massive head around here.

Yeah, and that's me. But he picked me as his nemesis and I remember that he used to sort of taunt me around school, but he also hung out with this little gang of like, you know like in Space Jam, right? Where they turn into the monsters, the basketball players, and they're all different sizes, but they're all kind of gnarly looking.

That's what his group of friends were so i remember one of one of them once definitely stole my mobile phone out of my blazer pocket while we were doing pe and i asked him about it but and i was just like did you steal my mobile phone and he was like no but everyone said that he'd done it which means he probably had done it and for for that like and i could just never get it back from him because they were just a group of like harder guys and like they had the weapon that was the the hand the numb right hand yeah the numb right hand yeah and um yeah so throughout school i always found that and it was just like whenever i was in a class with him or anything it's just like i could see him and he was always sat behind me because his surname was like further along the alphabet

because my surname is deacon i was sat like always sat like on the front row yeah i was i had the same thing it was awful yeah you're always at the front and so he's like his surname was uh further along the alphabet than mine so he would sit like on a row behind me or the row back so he always had his eyes on the back of my head and uh we must have been of a similar intelligence because we were in the same forms but there was for like different things so like in maths or english or whatever he would always be there lurking so i feel like you've put yourself on the island and now one of the other picks is someone who's basically like a very similar size and shape and look to you oh yeah all the demons are coming out it's weird yeah i mean i i like i don't know if i mentioned but i really struggle with this

holy moly this is harder than i thought but i mean look in fairness this will guy does sound like a colossal tool, so I think it's fair. I can imagine him sort of strutting about with his cronies. Yes, it was a crony thing. Also, he had the shortest tie. You know the person that's walking around with the shortest tie possible?

That's the guy. He might turn up with his blazer inside out because he's just like, yeah, look at me, I can just do that. Do you know what I mean? Because I've got, got like no feeling in my right hand yeah we've all seen the fresh prince numb hand yeah i know exactly i believe that his dad paid for him to become a pilot uh right so that was interesting thing to happen so maybe we can make to make this interesting we can say that he was flying the plane he was flying the plane he crashed it but

then also survived you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad okay Okay, I'm going to go food first. Food first. Liver. Yes. Dan, I can't eat liver.

Can you? Is it a problem for you? In episode one, this is what I put on the island. Oh, dear, what is it? So, hey, kindred spirits. Obviously, I remember. Hey, you've been busy. You've been busy.

It's fine. It's just like, it tastes like metal. And I don't know what it is, but I've tried, you know, it seems like something I should like. I like metal and i don't know what it is but i've tried you know it seems like something i should like i like olives all kinds of snacky shit i eat hummus but when it comes to liver pate is the only time i'm experiencing liver it is brutal i just can't do it man because you're not a very i don't think you're a very fussy person in general i wouldn't say i'm not a fussy eater for sure i'll eat anything there's there's definitely fewer people in the world that like liver than than don't like it i think generally it's sort of a 95 percent dislike rate isn't it is there okay i don't know i could be wrong i feel like most

people's first encounter is at school with it isn't it and that's going to be the worst you're ever going to have it cooked so i mean oh and then because of that you're never going to order it in a restaurant where they might do it nicely so you're never really going to know if it is good or not i don't remember them having it at school to be honest but i mean the only other time i tried it was uh when i was in thailand and they put it in like big ramen bowls you know like they do the big noodle and they sneak in and then you take a chunk of it and put it in your mouth and oh my God, I'll just gag or just like, it's just brutal. It can sort of paralyse me with fear. You know, as soon as I realise it's in there, I'm just like, I get a cold sweat. Dan, you are someone that eats a lot of stuff.

Yes. So you like, I think of anyone I know, you eat maybe the widest range of varying foods from across the world thanks i'm surprised that you don't like liver no it's i it's one of i think the first time i got in trouble at school was for throwing liver on the floor because i just thought how much it was one of those where i was at school you know when you're in little school and you all eat together in one room uh you know before you have a sort of canteen kind of thing. And like, we're in this room and I just thought I was terrified. I was scared because I just didn't know how I was going to get out of this situation.

And I threw some on the floor and that was the first time I got in. I remember being about seven years old and like someone catching me and just getting in loads of trouble for it. You know, when you're seven and everything's scary anyway, so it probably wasn't a lot of trouble. But, you know, just like my first proper talking to where i was really scared and like still to this day even just thinking about it i can i don't mind stuff that is in like i can handle pate i don't mind pate but just the idea of like a big chunk of liver on its own oh no no

definitely not like that and definitely not pate just like for some it just tastes like chewing on tinfoil or something which gives me a funny feeling right now um and also it's isn't it i mean it's what filters all the crap out of your body isn't it like the liver and the kidneys they're like filters so you don't want to eat the thing that catches all the crap the thought of that is just horrific to me i just like the fact that it's just like full of just like gunk from other shit i don't know just just sounds disgusting the idea of eating a little liver is just and on an island as well where it's all hot and hot liver and and if it's left over from the plane imagine the sort of liver that a plane would have on board yeah yeah in a little you know

little one of those little uh plain food containers oh my god yeah that would be awful just like broiled isn't that what it's called where it's like steamed in a bag or no broiled liver oh man it's a very good choice and um james what are you going to wash it down with what's's your drink choice? Okay, so I've toyed with different things, but I've tried to be... I'm going to sneak in a few extras here. Okay. So, which isn't sneaky if I've told you,

but what I would say is that I've thought about different things. So, I thought what drinks are just like really disappointed me. Yeah. Okay. So, one of the first things that came to mind was strawberry ribena strawberry ribena ribena is one of my favorites not now that it's like there's less sugar but i used to love ribena just proper ribena especially like if you're hung over it's ideal but strawberry ribena it's just just tastes like disappointment it just is so disappointing it's a

weird but i thought on an island with a bit of sugars in it it's probably going to be good right it's going to sustain you it's going to keep your energy up it's going to have the memory you're always going to drink it knowing that it's not quite the thing that you really like though so it's always like one removed or a couple of steps back from something that could be really good and that's going to be frustrating over time yes i think you are right so that's one of my sneaky ones but then i thought warm lager so it's sat there on the beach right and you and i both know how much we like a nice cold frosty beverage but if it's just like a warm can like you know you've been at your mate's house or like your mate's parents house

they're like do you want a beer and you're like like, oh, yeah, I'd love a beer. And then they go through to the garage and then bring it back and it's just like fucking room temperature. And you're like, oh, God, it's more of a burden than anything. But what I've gone for is the ends of a can, the last swig of a can. And it could be from any temperature, but that last swig of a can and it could be from any temperature but that last swig of a can where it's flat and it's just like tastes like disappointment it's just awful so we've landed on the island you

open the cargo hold and all of the delicious beers that are sat underneath there are broken all the beer comes out and all you've got is the ends of a can oh man that feeling when you might be at a festival or something and you ask your mate oh can i have a swig of that because you've got is the ends of a can oh man that feeling when you might be at a festival or something and you ask your mate oh can i have a swig of that because you've drunk yours and they you pick it up and just the weight of it you're like no it's all right you have to just sort of look away and pretend you've had some and then give it back to them it's like that the feeling of a can with that weight of beer in is like now you're right it's awful yeah oh my god the ends of a can i just think oh i just no can't do it it's just uh it's awful and i'm not sat here chucking it away i'll drink that but

just like imagine you open the cargo hold and there's just like a hundred ends of cans and that's what you've got to drink for them forever yeah and it's again it's like with the ribena it's it's so close to being something amazing you know it could have been so good at some stage yeah it's weird that isn't it something like there's some things that you love but they have to be right or they're just undrinkable yeah totally it's like paramount that it's cold and if it's not i will put it in the freezer and i'll wait 15 minutes 20 minutes to make sure it's a nice frosty boy ready for drinking that's what i need a nice frosty boy yeah that would be no that would be incredibly frustrating and also you're like i mean at least you'd have the sweet kiss of alcohol but

not if it's just the end bits you wouldn't be going through enough of those to get the the release of you know clouded vision yes i'm with you yeah you need you need enough to make you feel like just tip you over the edge slightly that's what you need out of it and you're never going to get that just sipping the ends of a can i think that's a good choice oh my god that is a good choice it's make it's that choice has really grounded me and i've just looked around and realized i'm sat in my parents' garage on my own. Oh, God. I think after this, you know, it's three o'clock in the afternoon,

but, you know, it's a Saturday. Not only is it a Saturday, but we're mid-coronavirus. I'm going to go and have a nice frosty one straight afterwards. I've already had a glass of wine today. Oh, you are good. Again, I was like, it's Saturday and we're locked down. I'm definitely going to drink through this so we're only human let's pretend we're continental except we actually don't follow the lockdown advice quite as much as they do now james fortunately you won't be

without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why okay film choice right you don't need to know much about the film it's more of a feeling okay okay the film choice is a film called the long kiss good night i've seen this yeah that is you've seen this film with samuel l jackson and um yes i was thinking about this the other day about what an awful film why are you thinking about this it's a terrible film and i hate myself why do you hate yourself no i just i mean i must there must be an element of me that hates myself because i'm sitting there on my own time thinking about films that i hate oh right yeah yeah yeah no no don't

worry dan the reason why i have to put this film on the island is anytime i think of it i just feel so deeply embarrassed to the pit of my stomach because you know there's those moments in your life right that you'll never forget because they're so embarrassing. Like, I can't tell you what I've done for the past three weeks, but then there's things that have happened when you're like a kid that you could just never forget and just creep into. You might be having a good day. You might be like in the shower and you just think, oh, my God. So it was a particular time,

and I could almost have put this teacher on the island for this, but we were doing a thing at school. I must have been in like year five, right? And I had a particularly difficult teacher in year five. I don't know why we just didn't see eye to eye. His name was Mr. McLaughlin. But he equally could have been put on the island. So we were doing a thing where it was just like a sheet of paper

and you're writing down your favourite things. It's opposite of this podcast who's your favorite what's your favorite food or what's your favorite song and stuff like that and on it i don't know why but i'd seen at home either my parents had the dvd or they were watching it or it was on the telly or something i'd seen there was this film called the long kiss good night i might have been even at blockbusters you saw but what i saw as a 10 year old was the certificate was 15 right and i was thinking to myself right if i write this down because i know what this film is it's a 15 all the other kids in my school are gonna think i'm so cool for having seen a 15 i was just like yes okay so i wrote it on this piece of paper and then mr mclaughlin obviously took in all the bits of paper and he was going through them and or he was getting people to stand up and say their different things and i was like the

longest good night thinking i'm really cool and he got me to stand up in the class and he was just like he was like james have you actually seen that film class and he was just like, he was like, James, have you actually seen that film? And then I was just like, yes. And he was just like, because if you have, I'm going to have to tell your parents about it. And he called me out in front of like 30 of my peers and I was like 10 or something stupid. And I was just in the end, I was just there like broken, just like, no, no no i haven't actually seen it

and everyone's just like oh god what a moron and that has stuck with me for my entire life i get that totally but that is almost a cop-out reason for putting a film on but when when thinking about this i thought i can't not put that film on because that film has etched into my memory i think i have seen it since in my teens because that must be quite hard to then go and watch it after that incident i think it was just on and i was just like that was always in my head and so i thought i best watch this and i was just like actually this is just total shit so i mean it is a crap film no it's a definitely it's worthy of going on it's awful yeah fine Okay, I can't even remember the premise.

Is Jodie Foster in it? I think it's, I want to say Gina Davis. I'm bad with, you know, one of Thelma and Louise. Who's not Susan Sarandon? Right. Is that Gina Davis? Yeah, it is Gina Davis. Yes.

So yeah, Gina Davis is in it. And it's one of those sort of films where, like, she used to be a spy, but she can't remember. She's had some accident and can't remember if she's a spy or not. So she's living a nice sort of family life in the suburbs. And then every now and again something happens. She was like, oh, I think I've remembered something from my past life. And they all get excited.

And then just halfway through the film, she just completely switches. And there's no kind of, it's just, she was just like, oh, yeah, I just made all that up the whole time. But then she was playing other people along, pretending she'd forgot her memory for no reason. They didn't need to believe that she'd forgotten her memory. I mean, she'd lost her memory. So it's sort of like you spend half the film pretending this has happened, but we don't...

I don't know, they just set up a lot of wasted time and then in the end she goes, nah, it's all fine. I was just pretending. I'm actually a badass spy. And just jumps into this whole other thing. It's just a very bad film. Rubbish. And we used to have it on video. And I don't know why.

But you know when you're young and you've got something crap on video and you still end up watching it even though you know it's shit, but you sort of just stick it on out of boredom. Just because you've just got them on. Yeah, you've just got them. Yeah, yeah. I know it was a different time, man. i just think uh my parents probably had the same thing had that same video and then yeah it's a very good choice it's a very frustrating film

because it starts out and you think this could be a good film and it is just not it's just it's just confusing and annoying and pointless rubbish rubbish rubbish. Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Yep. The Long Kiss Goodnight for being etched into my memory forever. Yeah, so you've got an even better reason for it as well. You've got a terrible film

and a bad memory as well. It's so personal. Yeah, totally. Fair enough. And you're stuck with it on the island forever. Yeah. And James,

what's going to be your song choice? Okay, song choice. Right now, it's very current because we're all trapped in isolation, right? For the most part, we're quarantined and I'm finding some serious solace in the radio.

So as many people are, they're doing some great stuff across the BBC and other radio stations that is keeping me entertained, which is great. The only problem is biffy cliro have an released a new song right right and for some reason every radio station can play it because it must fall into this sort of middle genre thing right and it's so bad it physically makes me want to shit it is awful i just like when it comes on i just feel sick to

my stomach it's so bad i haven't heard it but i heard someone that i dislike at work say that they liked it the other day and that's usually like an absolute guarantee that i won't like you know when you're someone who has such a polar opposite taste from yours it's almost like a guarantee that you won't like anything they do so when i heard them going oh the biffy clairo song's quite good isn't it i thought well i'm not going to search that out yeah like at the minute i don't know you know when something just like upsets you and then it just eats away at you and it's just like i'm enjoying radio too right now i'm a bit of pop master oh no why why are they playing it right i'll put absolute on

absolute ah no if i wrote radio one oh great james yes he's really funny oh no and then they just play it as well uh so those are the main ones yeah and xfm um but yeah so yeah it's just ubiquitous and and also forever now this will be your sort of quarantine song, won't it? I mean, you're never, this is always going to be like stamped with this. It is. This feeling of lockdown, quarantine kind of vibes. Yeah, totally.

And like to give them the benefit of the doubt, I see what they've tried to do. The song is made for, it's anthemic. So it's like, it's built for them to, because now they're a massive stadium rock band it's built to be played in stadiums and i'm sure in that setting because it's built for purpose it would sound right in that situation yeah on the radio it's just turgid shit is there sort of chanting in it or like a chorus that you sing yeah they go this is the sound that we make and

it goes and it's like oh my god it's so bad and that's the sound that you make but it's offending my ears yeah and that some of the lyrics are off the top of my head is like um hell knows not no fury like a human born or something it's just like i just think like hell knows no fury like me listening to this song it does say i haven't heard it so i can't chip in that much but i just i'm sort of i find them okay you know i've got no problem with them but i mean that does sound bad i don't like the idea of that and also no anything that just becomes synonymous with being stuck in a house and not being able to leave isn't going to be great no and then you're going to be stuck on an island with it yeah yeah i mean

and the three worst people in the world there's a load of songs i could have put in there i think but like that's the one right now that's eating me up okay what's it called i imagine it's called the sound that we make yeah they've got a few singles out it could be called instant history it could also be called end of i've got no idea who cares it's not good well let's put all of them let's put all the singles all of them certainly into lord of the flies good i think you've made a very strong case for putting whatever biffy clara single is out at the minute as we record this on the island with you to listen to forever thanks dan james yeah finally the island is overrun with the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why prepare yourself people of the world dog dog oh i could have gone i could like look i thought badger i thought

fish i just like all those things do not annoy me as much as dogs right and i i think specifically as a child i was about five and my grandparents had this neighbor and this neighbor had a tiny dog like a little yorkshire terrier but it was like really yappy and attacking little dog and it just like jumped on me as a five-year-old and lots of people have probably got these stories and uh just growing up i was never into them for that reason but now as an adult i'm reading into it probably too much but like dogs are just so needy and like on the island you know like not only would you have to be thinking for yourself you'd have to be thinking for the dog as well yeah i just people love them so much because you know and i don't hate dogs i've met nice dogs yeah but i've met a lot of dicks as well but even the sort of normal ones

everyone's like oh they love you so much and i just think yeah but it's it's it's freaky like you're not supposed to love any you know like if you met a person like a dog it would just be really weird someone once was trying to make the case to me why dogs were better than cats and i'd you know like what you like who cares yeah but they said oh you know like a cat if you locked in the boot of your car for an hour it'd come off and maybe try and attack you when you let it out if you let a dog stuck a dog in your boot for an hour and he came out he would still love you and i was like well that's the stupidest logic i mean it was it was a hypothetical question but like if you treat something badly what are you learning if it still loves you anyway how does that teach you to be

better at life yeah it's true yeah that's awful so i look look i could do anything to this animal still likes me watch look poke it with a stick still likes me what yeah what's what kind of value system you're living with that's awful yeah i mean i just that makes no sense to me also like you have to like pick up their shit when you take them for a walk they've come up so many times on the desert island and you know i probably have voiced my opinion before or agreed with other people's opinions it's just i just think dogs are just too needy for me i just can't do it and people might say yeah but you've got kids and i was like yeah but they're my kids yeah yeah exactly and and they've got more

of a reason to sort of you've got a bond with them and they have with you i mean a dog is like you know you could get one tomorrow and it would still love you that much and it doesn't really make sense does it it's like i don't know i think i think it's bizarre you totally i just find them so so annoying you've just like gotta change your way like around a dog like so you go into someone's house and they're like oh the dog's like this and you're like okay so i've got to change my temperament because the dog yeah you know um yeah i was on a train the other day with the smelliest dog. And I was, like, two seats away from it. And, like, you know when you think, I'm not going to, like, cover my nose.

I'm not a child. You know, I can deal with this. I'm an adult. But I had to cover my nose with my hand because it was so bad. Really? And I couldn't move seats. And I just had to, like, put my hand across my face as if, like, I don't know. Well, I mean, now with coronavirus, everyone's covering their faces.

But I wish at the time, I wish I'd had a mask as this. And I just couldn't stop thinking about how this woman's house must smell as well. I mean, it was just extraordinary. I mean, I just think I'm sure there are some nice dogs out there. I'm sure I've met nice enough dogs, but not for me. Yeah. Okay. So a dog. And also, I feel like with a dog, if not for me. Yeah. Okay, so a dog.

And also, I feel like with a dog, if you're on a desert island, you're sort of, you know, because you're a good person, you're probably going to end up feeling like you have to adopt it or look after it or play with it or, you know, because it has got that sort of intelligence that, you know, you can't really ignore it. Like if it was just a bat or something, you know, you could sort of ignore it.

But with a dog, it's going to worm its way you know you could sort of ignore it but the dog it's going to worm its way into your group some of the people are going to like it more than others some people are going to say it's their pet now yeah true it's going to cause cause a sort of eruptions i think i think as well like uh you're going to have to share your food with the dog yeah yeah right and so that's supplies are down because you've got a dog to feed and yeah i bet you still catch it eating its own crap at some point or doing something it doesn't really need to do just sort of been a bit weird and if you died on that island how long before that dog starts eating not long not long at all it's going for you okay dog yeah dog's gonna be my animal choice

okay james now the people know. The people have heard your dicks. They're out there now. My dicks are out there. Your dicks are out there. How do you feel? I feel weird. I feel liberated of my dicks. Also, like I said before, I found it very difficult to get my dicks out, but now they're out, I'm ready for the world to enjoy them. Yeah, you've come full circle.

I have, yeah. so enjoy my dicks everyone um dan so you've you've recorded some episodes of the podcast already yeah we have so we have got three coming up after this one so there will be steve n allen from the mash report who's very good we've got comedian olga Koch. And we have John Holmes as well. And all very fine guests who put some solid gold dicks onto the island. This is good. So these are all in the bag. And what we're going to try and do, because the thing is, we were booking guests left, right and centre before this ruddy pandemic.

And, you know, it's getting a fly away. Yeah, pandemic fly in the ointment. So what we're going to try and do is record more like this, sort of remotely, so we're not in the same room, obviously, and we're going to try and get more guests that way so that we can keep it going for a little while. Yes. And so we will be able to update you

with those in the coming weeks. Hey, we might do a bit of social interaction, find out what your listeners dicks are like yes um maybe we could meet up again dan and talk about those yeah absolutely bonus pod yeah um yeah we could also um do some isolation dicks yeah exactly so who who would be the worst things and uh people imaginable to be stuck with during a pandemic it's basically the same format but you know you've got to dress things up now and again yeah i think so and uh but you

might have different reasoning based on the pandemic or being isolated in a house right yeah exactly also um for it's important i think it's important at this stage to uh tell people to head over to at dicks pod on twitter yep Yep. And then follow us on there and you can comment and we'll be posting different stuff that you can get involved in. We're also on Instagram, also at Dick's Pod. Yeah. Nothing on there yet, but maybe, hang on. No, but you can send us messages there.

So if there's someone you'd add to the island then uh let us know or you know someone you'd hate to be stuck in lockdown with or quarantined with let us know there and we can dig them out yeah that's great dan this has been fun thanks for having me on desert island x thank you for making me the new host of desert island x yeah i'm excited i can't wait to hear you do it. I look forward to destroying your legacy. Thanks, Dan. I'm going to try and be a very careful custodian of Desert Island Dicks. It's a podcast I love and I will try not to let you down. No, you look after it. Thank you.

And I'm sure we'll be doing more stuff together on here very soon. Yeah, I look forward to it. James, thank you very much mate thanks dan bye cheers bye