Desert Island Dicks - JAMIE WINDUST

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

Dan is joined by writer, editor, model and public speaker Jamie Windust. They roll up their sleeves and get stuck right into the process of choosing the worst people and things to be stuck with on a desert island with. Fortunately for you, the dickishness of the choices is inversely proportional to the funniness of the podcast, so it's a very enjoyable listen. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today we have Jamie Windust on the podcast. Jamie does all kinds of things. They are a writer, editor, model and public speaker and very funny person as well. So I hope you'll enjoy this. Normally at this point I give a nice, well, a plea I suppose to like and subscribe and give us a rating and that sort of thing. But if you listen at the end, Jamie does that for us. That's very kind of them. So we'll just get straight into it, shall we? Here we go. It's Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is editor, writer, model, public speaker and much more besides, Jamie Windust. How are you doing? Hello, my love. Do you know what? I'm good. I love the premise. It's very unique.

I've never heard of anything like this before. No, it's good. Thanks for having me. I'm ready to tear all of my choices apart. Good, good. You have a quiet confidence that you're exuding that makes me think that, you know, you're quite adept at this kind of thing.

Yes, I don't know if cynical is the right word. Maybe it's a bad first impression for anyone who's listening. But yes, I'm very clear on what I like and what I don't like and it's very you know that's probably the easiest thing I did all day when you asked me to choose I said right off we go went through the file of facts of hate and uh yeah here we are okay great well I'm looking forward to hearing um who you're going to choose so we can just get straight into it then who's going to be the first person joining you on the island I'm looking forward to hearing who you're going to choose. So we can just get straight into it then. Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island?

I'm going to go with Ginny Lemon off of RuPaul's Drag Race, purely because I have a love-hate relationship with Ginny. I know her. I love her a lot. However, we look exactly the same. And she describes herself as, in her own words, a fat Jamie Windust, which I believe is her unique selling point. So just because it would be unbearable to have someone on the island who looks exactly like me and is essentially an insight into my future i would have to say ginny i could i wouldn't want to look at what i'm going to look like in in you know 20 plus years it would it was it would really set

the tone i mean if if ginny's a larger version of you i mean being stuck on a desert island together there's every chance ginny might lose weight and then you know then they're going to look more similar to you precisely and then it's just more competition you know the the one distinguishing factor will then cease to exist will be the exact same um she's northern which is always a laugh I feel like that could be quite quite fun on an island but it would also get quite annoying not that i despise northerners i love the north but i do find it slightly hilarious their tone and their inflection on all things um so that could get grating she also loves worcester sauce which i think is the devil's sauce so yeah lots lots to

choose from there as to why she would not be a good guest on the island yeah now I imagine as well like you know you're saying you're good friends you get on well but you know in under the pressures of island life and survival anyone can rub each other up the wrong way and you know obviously someone who's competed in rupal's drag race i imagine is elite level shade thrower correct so i imagine you know if it comes to a fallout you know it's going to be like the words are going to be very barbed and very quick yeah it's going to be a battle of the wit i think it's going to be a battle of the wit, I think. It's going to be very quick. She actually famously got to the lip sync of the show and walked out and refused to play. So maybe, you know, on the island, who knows?

It could be in my favour. She could just piss off. She could be like, no, I'm done. Bye. And I'd win if it is a competition island. Has anyone ever taken it to that? Am I taking it to you? No, I mean, you're welcome to treat it is a competition island. Is anyone ever taken it to that? Am I taken it too far? No, I mean, you're welcome to treat it any way you want.

It's not, I mean, it's more just a brutal game of survival, I suppose. And, you know, if you want to survive together with your compatriots, then that's totally fine. If you need to take any of them out, I don't know who the other choices are, but, you know, if there's some that you want to kill or dispatch, that's up to you. You know, it's an island of your own making. So, you know, it'll be interesting to see how you get on.

It would be interesting. And I think adding in my second choice, who is on that level of dispatch, it's a great word to use, is Rishi Sunak. Okay. Someone who is colloquially known as Dishi Rishi. Yeah, yeah. And how do you feel about that? It does produce a slight amount of bile in some area of my body.

Yes, he is coming on the island just purely as someone for us to all crucify. And almost like a court jester, someone for us to all crucify and almost like a court jester someone for us to slightly laugh at he's very tiny um famously likes to carry wagamamas um and yeah i don't know why i chose him but i think he would be good almost almost like a good little, he reminds me of, you know, in Castaway, I think he would be like Wilson, just something we could draw a face on and keep in the corner. Yeah, I think Rishi Sunak's an interesting one because he's sort of, when he kind of emerged,

everyone, you know, like you said, dishy Rishi, and then there was a picture where he was lined up with everyone and everyone realised he was tiny and everyone kind you know, like you said, dishy-rishy. And then there was a picture where he was lined up with everyone and everyone realised he was tiny and everyone kind of went, oh, oh, OK, all right, that's taken the shine off him a little bit. And also I think he seems slightly more acceptable than the others at the moment as we're recording this. Who knows what's going to happen next? But as we record, you you know he seems all right

but i mean he is still like a front bench conservative so i you know it's going to be very difficult to trust him like as i say we don't know what's going to happen we're recording sort of early february boris johnson is still the prime minister but there's sort of like little inklings that rishi's like maybe like getting ready for a power play. And I think just because he seems a bit more calm and easygoing than some of the others, I don't think you could trust him. I don't think you could trust him, considering that he lives in number 11. And I know for a fact that he looks like the type of person

that would have the glass up to the wall of Boris Johnson's flat, get in the hot goss to you, to put in his back pocket. Like you say, yes, at time of record, Boris Johnson is the prime minister. But yet there's been rumblings that Rishi would sneak in. And I do enjoy watching him on the telly

be almost quite smug, kind of like, oh no, what, me? I would never think about doing that. Whereas I know most likely by the time this goes out, which, you know, the speed of politics at the moment, he'll be running the world. So yes, he is very tiny. Although that's a bad thing.

But that briefcase, that red briefcase is also very large. So it's not proportionate. It makes him look absolutely tiny. Maybe on the island he could help out with the finances, if that ever. You know, if we suddenly find hidden cash on the island, he could help divvy it up. I could be furloughed for a week on the island. I think, though, with him, because he's in charge of all the money,

but he's also, I think he's one of the richest members of parliament, isn't he? He's like married to a billionaire, an heiress of a billionaire. So, I mean, in terms of sort of knowing what the average person needs and wants, he might be slightly out of touch. And I think when you get to the island i think it's going to be a special shock for him that's true i mean who knows it could be his island yeah yeah i would not be surprised if we all get there and suddenly we realize oh this is sunak rishi's isle yeah he is i remember reading that about his family and being like, Christ alive.

So there's a lot of money, a lot of money. I mean, maybe I do want him on the island for that reason. Could bail us out. But then, I mean, because if you think if you had that much money, you'd surely be used to kind of being able to make a lot of problems disappear quite quickly or just sort of go, well, you know, just throw money at it. It's gone. I don't know if it lends itself to being the most practical person and you know what with being quite a small

guy I don't know I mean maybe he'll be quick and nimble when you have to like catch a forest pig running through the middle of the island but you know in terms of sort of building shelter and felling trees I mean I don't know very true yes I could see him scrambling up a tree quite quickly to get a coconut. However, yeah, could he fell a tree? Could he sail a boat or some makeshift raft? I doubt it. Maybe I would accidentally mistake it for a raft. Or, I mean, I just would love to see him in Ginny Lemongal.

I think that would be an absolute hoot. Yeah to hold my hands up here, I don't know if I'm being fair but I mean I couldn't fell a tree or build a raft either so you know, also I don't know why I have to be fair to members of the front bench Conservative Party so fuck him him and Jenny Lemon

it's weird, we don't really know enough about him to know how awkward he'd be around someone like that. I mean, there's people like, you think, Ginny Lemon and Boris Johnson or Priti Patel you can imagine would just clash instantly or Nadine Dorries or someone like that. That would just be unbearable. Sunak, he's managed to be a slight unknown.

And I imagine there's more bad hiding behind that than good. Yes, he's incredibly awkward, which I think almost like how Boris can come across as a bit of a clown. It acts as like a facade. So you don't really know who they are, but you kind of like, oh, that's sweet, isn't it? But with Rishi, I agree. You don't know a lot about him other than he's one of the richest men in the country and he's tiny and he

lives next door to the prime minister which no i don't trust him i feel like he's scary and although hearing you say about nadine dorries maybe i should have brought her in because i still can't believe that we are no one in the public news is discussing that she was an MP and then went on I'm a Celeb and is now Minister for Culture and I don't

believe that that's how that trajectory works I don't think you go on I'm a Celeb and then revamp your career into running part of the country. However, she may be good for the island. So she'd be my wild card. She'd be like on Big Brother when halfway through

they add in someone new. Nadine Doyle is just in the wings. Yeah. I think what they do with her, they think, you're going to be a puppet. You'll sort of vote for anything that I say so I'll give you something culture because you can sort of fuck about with like grants and shit but you just make sure you I can wheel you out for a disastrous interview now and again it's actually slightly

um it's more the most toe-curling presence on the television I've witnessed in a while. It's like the conversations online, the discourse, as it were, is almost as if she's secret. Again, this is a legend. This is just my opinion. That she's secretly having some form of sexual liaison with the prime minister or that they're in some form of unbridled secret romance because he could say, oh, I've accidentally burnt down Big Ben.

And she'd be like, wow, that's so beautiful. I love it. Thank you so much. Very bizarre. Very bizarre. You know what? After you describing that whole front bench, a very bizarre bench. I would not like to witness that in real life.

They're all very short they're just i just think very strange people i think nadine door is a find i i think i'm yet to watch an entire interview with her because i get about sort of a third of the way through it's like i just can't handle this anymore it's just it's too much and i like awkward comedy you know like you know i like things that are sort of a bit toe curly and awkward but when it's too much and i like awkward comedy you know like you know i like things that are sort of a bit toe curly and awkward but when it's real life and you're an actual politician it's just i just want to pretend none of it exists you know it would be like now if i if you asked me who would i put on the island and i said why she just she just always said why why are you asking me that yeah it's like babe that's what

you're there for um my final person is someone who i don't actually know a lot about but the second i saw him and heard his voice it provoked quite a visceral reaction of i'm not sure i like this man um and it is lewis capaldi okay so singer songwriter lewis capaldi yes and i think there's the crux of it normally i quite like it when people like famous people let's say for example adele right she's famous and she's quite silly yeah she's quite down to earth she's quite you know she's quite silly. Yeah. She's quite down to earth. She's quite, you know, she's quite, comes across as quite normal, kind of being like, oh, well, you know, quite funny.

Lewis does the same thing, but for some reason I find it unbearably embarrassing. And I know that's the point, but like, no. I also don't have time for, uh, this is going to sound quite harsh, but I don't mind. This won't come as a surprise to people who know me a bit is I don't have time for famous men who,

when they get very famous, still continue to wear jeans in professional settings. That's a, that's a big red line for me okay yeah it's weird isn't it because he sort of seems a bit from what i know of him slightly dual personality because it's so if he got a lot of attention because he'd have a bit of a twitter spat with one of the gallaghers or something and be a bit like oh he's quite fun but his music's quite sort of sort of down tempo or he'll kind of joke about sort of oh let's have a you know be playing a concert like, oh, he's quite fun, but his music's quite sort of down-tempo. Or he'll kind of joke about sort of, oh, let's have a, you know, be playing a concert and go, oh, let's have an hour of sad songs or something.

You know, he'll be quite sort of piss-take out of himself. But it's like, well, yeah, but it's like when James Blunt, people go, oh, James Blunt's so funny on Twitter. And it's like, well, that makes me like him more, but his output is still shit. And I have to, you know, he is an artist in inverted commas, so I have to judge him on that. It's like when people sort of go,

oh, but Nigel Farage is probably all right if you went to the pub with him. You think, well, even if that was true, which I doubt, you know, you've got to judge someone on their output, you know, what they're putting into the world. And it's like, you know, that makes me like him more but this is your product and i don't like it it makes me sad that's true actually yeah i mean the thing that actually i'm almost maybe the opposite in that he's one of those people that i heard the

song i was like wow what a lovely little song that is. But didn't know who it was. So I'm an avid BBC Radio 2 listener. I have it on all hours of the day. It is my dream to be on the radio too. In some capacity, maybe during the traffic. And he's one of those people that they play all the time. But I never knew who it was. And then when I found out who it was was I went and looked into him and then was like oh I actually don't mind your output but your personality doesn't correspond kind of like

James Blunt or I guess me sometimes I'm quite dry I can be quite funny on the internet but also a lot of my work can be quite serious which sometimes people don't understand so yeah that's what jars me as I'm like you need to I'm not I'm not falling for it who are you trying to convince please he also likes to pull lots of funny faces that's a big no-no for me I remember Joss Stone used to do that like she every picture was her she'd always stick her tongue out I mean surely you'd run out of funny faces i don't know exactly and also i don't want to be getting on the northern line and see someone making lots of double chins on a massive poster at every single station yes it's slightly funny the first time because you're like oh look that's funny but then when he's doing it in every every single picture on the internet

i don't appreciate although i did enjoy referencing that liam gallagher spat because he he's a close second for going on the island i actually watched the brits last night at time of record he was on there guess what he was wearing jeans on stage at the o2 yeah i mean talk about having one photo um i mean liam gallagher and like sticking his fingers up it's like yeah we get it like you can be rude now it's like it's not the edgiest thing to do it's like flicking the v's or like giving someone the finger like all right liam gallagher i think it's probably just like a um pavlovian response now someone goes oh liam and he's like and just sticks his fingers up like he doesn't he's not he's no longer in control of it it's not his fault i suppose no the second he hears that bell

he's off he also was wearing a deerstalker hat interesting you know like with the ears yeah the sherlock holmes kind of yeah and i just no um i mean lewis capaldi on the island then as well i mean i suppose he has the the potential to be quite fun but he also has the potential to just sit there writing quite maudlin songs as well i feel like i'd be on eggshells with him on the island i'd be like are you going to be really sad because of the songs you've just spent all day writing in the sand or are you going to be pulling a funny face at dinner when we try and catch a pig yeah i i don't need that tension yeah i mean it might be that we're just sort of watching someone who suffers from some some kind of multiple personality disorder or something. And we're just going, God, you're funny one minute and you're making sad love songs the next.

Pull yourself together, man. And when we find out, I shall issue a full and frank apology. Thank you very much. And it's very true. It's like, who is one thing all the time? I'm sure after this, you're an absolute pile of shit. I mean, well, i like stopped hosting a podcast where we slag people off yeah yeah i'm sure you're absolutely lovely so yes those are

my those are my uh that's my trio yeah okay well i think we've got some interesting people in there and i think there'll be a fairly interesting interplay between the three characters there you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now.

That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. All right, Jamie. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why? Now, it's a lovely question. We're going to start off with food. I don't know why this was in the cargo maybe we were going to turkey but it was turkish delight turkish delight okay and are we talking because obviously you've got the sort of the type you get in a news agent in chocolate in the sort of pink wrapper and then there's the sort of kind that looks like a bit like a sort of a square jelly baby in like way too much powdered sugar.

Are we taking the whole genre of Turkish delight? The whole genre. And I have two very specific points on that. It is the worst thing that could ever be eaten. But on both of those scenarios, the incredible amount of powdered sugar or the weird chocolate it's the outer casing that makes it even worse because biting into chocolate and then going into jelly is an odd sensation much like when you bite into the powdered sugar, it's almost like when you breadcrumb a chicken and you put the flour on first.

Imagine I then just bit into it. I wouldn't do that. Yes, lots of things. Don't even get me started on the taste. I mean, I don't mind a floral note on a dish potentially but i do not want to eat the what feels like i'm just chewing on a bath bomb i think yeah yeah how do you feel about turkish delight i think the first time i had the proper stuff i was happy that it wasn't the the stuff in in chocolate but then after that relief wore off i realized that it still wasn't the stuff in chocolate. But then after that relief wore off, I realised that it still wasn't very nice.

I remember once at Halloween, when I went trick-or-treating, an old man gave me a bag of Turkish Delight, but I didn't open it. Like a proper, like, slightly terrifying old man in a brown paper bag, just Turkish Delight.

And I didn't know what it was until I got home. And that was my first memory of it. And it was dreadful. I don't understand it. For me, it's a texture thing. I shall find out shortly in my drink. Texture in food is a big one. Things like porridge, can't eat it.

Bread sauce, I'd rather die. Anything that's got a bizarre texture combined with a very bizarre... We're going back to dual personalities. Your texture needs to match your flavour and that goes for people as well. Yeah, yeah. I think Turkish Delight very much feels like

one of those sort of confections that... It's like we're in the year 2022 now and this still exists but there are better things and i think even in turkey they know that i you know i think they're selling it and producing it for sort of people on holiday and maybe if you go around to a turkish grandmother's house she might have some but those turkish grandchildren know that there's better stuff out there they're kind of going oh nan's still eating the fucking delight they'll just call it delight I suppose it's like rich tea biscuits like what like you can get good biscuits now we don't need them anymore well do you disagree about rich tea biscuits now I do agree with the sentiment on a rich tea yes there are it's essentially sweet paper isn't it really

yeah um but i do agree that we have moved on however i do enjoy maybe it's the ritualistic element of a rich tea i do enjoy the sunday afternoon dunk thank you of a rich tea um but i do agree things have changed i wonder if turkey they know about like cream eggs that's i'm obviously joking but like there must be new things they they could create as a as a heritage dish um maybe what about lemon if it was lemon flavored maybe i'd like i think i've had some lemon flavored ones like but again it's sort of it's still sort of perfumed in a way. It's like a lemon perfume taste. I don't know.

But I mean, maybe there's people sitting over in Turkey and they've come to England. They're like, what the fuck is that Yorkshire pudding thing? It's just like air. What the fuck is this thing? It's like, is it a biscuit? It's not a cake. What is this thing? So true.

Yeah, fair enough. Okay, well, what are you going to try and wash down the Turkish delight with? What's your drink choice? No, going back to textures. we're going with bubble tea now this is a specific flavor it is purely because of the texture now for those unaware of this cult phenomenon um how would you describe it's basically just like juice i don't even understand because sometimes it's milk this is yeah so sometimes it's sort of like a weak tea with lots of very milky tea sometimes it's more of a kind of yeah like a fruity juice drink and they are uh i believe they're tapioca balls so a sort of consistency of something like frog

spawns like a slippery balls which which vary in size quite a great deal don't they sometimes they're quite big sometimes they're sort of the size of god what's what's comparable like like a malwam yeah sometimes they're big yeah sometimes they're tiny like the beanbag balls that you get the little polystyrene balls in the beanbag and they come with a very wide straw so that you can just drink and scoop up these huge balls at the same time yes and i just find it like my wife really likes him and and i just find them such a baffling experience because you drink it but all these balls like shooting up the straw and it's like look what the what the fuck is happening here yeah this is what i do it's too it's sensory overload it's like am look, what the fuck is happening here? Yeah, this is what I do. It's sensory overload.

It's like, am I, I just want to drink. If I was drinking a cup of tea and then suddenly I slurped up the bag, I'd be livid. So I just don't understand. So many questions. That's a good one. The second question I always have is,

are the, because it's tea, I always think that the tapioca bubbles or balls, are they infusing? Is that where the flavour is? I think it's just for texture. I think people just want the texture. I don't think they're adding flavour. See, that is, okay, well, that has made it even worse because they have no purpose other than to provide a mild choking hazard.

Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Like, if the idea was that you started off with a drink and you got this big straw and you tipped in a little sachet of bubbles or balls. Again, they're not bubbles, they're balls. If you tip those into the massive straw and then they reacted with the liquid, did something exciting, made bubbles and flavored the drink. I could. OK, that's a fun thing. It's a bit there's a bit of alchemy there. There's a bit of surprise, a bit of like a novelty. Yeah, but no, it's just and it's not even that you drink the drink and then you sort of scoop up the balls afterwards that have soaked up any flavor. It's just you're supposed to just sort of drink them and have them shoot up into your mouth and it's like yeah i mean someone's going to edit

a very uh explicit version of this this conversation but i mean it's it's um the other thing is there was i don't know i haven't been into Soho in so long, but I used to work in Soho. And it felt like there was one year where just there was in the one little square, like everything, there was too many bubble tea shops. And there was a really nice Vietnamese cafe I used to get my lunch from, and that became a bubble tea shop. And I was like, there's one over there. I can see the next bubble tea shop from this one. Like, what the fuck is going on?

This is what baffles me is again, almost like a secondary reason why I dislike bubble tea is that it is so popular that when you walk through Soho slash Chinatown slash Leicester Square, it's as if they are handing out free money. The amount of people that are queuing around honestly to walk down you'll walk through it and there'll be people everywhere queuing for bubble tea and i don't understand because if the flavor is not in the boards what how many options can there be? I don't get it. I also don't get why it's kind of spread out.

So I live in Wimbledon, right? Somewhere, would you think there'd be bubble tea? Yeah, on paper, no. And what's just opened in the shopping centre that has caused ruckus with the queuing system that also corresponds with Marks and Spencer? A bubble tea station. So honestly, it's carnage. I can't handle it.

Where am I going? Am I getting bubble tea? No. I sometimes think that drinks or foods become almost like an accessory. Like, you know when like takeaway coffee cups became a thing because we'd seen them in america we'd all watched ali mcbeal and you know they've got like a big tour thing and then suddenly it was almost like people sort of it was like the done thing to you know like young women with lots of shopping bags

and they had it's almost like they had to have a starbucks cup or something with them guilty absolutely guilty i feel the same thing with bubble tea to an extent like you see a lot of like they had to have a Starbucks cup or something with them. Guilty. Absolutely guilty. I feel the same thing with bubble tea to an extent. Like you see a lot of people with half drunk ones. Like there's not that many. I don't see many empty ones. It's like with, I notice often if you see a group of people drinking Aperol Spritz in a pub, when they leave, there's a lot of half full glasses of Aperol Spritz because I think people like the idea of them more than the actual drink, you know?

Yes, absolutely. And I think that's the same. Yes, they're almost a fashion accessory. You will see them, you're more likely to see a bubble tea being hoisted in the air and taken a photo of than drunk. Yes, exactly.

Yeah. I had one, I actually, I've only ever had one. And I remember saying to my friend who is obsessed with it i said is this is this supposed to happen with this drink is this what is this like a capri sun that's gone moldy and they no they were like no this is you you so many questions do you bite the balls do you just swallow them who knows but yes bubble tea absolutely livid i think it's a great choice i just think it'd be a really frustrating drink

to have on the island as well just be awful so yeah a good choice um okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? So my song, I don't even know if this is the name of the song, but it's The Proclaimers,

and that one where they walk 5,000 miles. Yeah. And is that correct? I think it's called i think it's called something like i want to be 500 miles i think it's the official i think maybe the 500 miles is in brackets it's one of those in parentheses oh is it not even 5 000 if i made no 500 yeah god i've just made it worse for myself. So that is my song for many reasons. One, I don't believe that they are not just two Rick Astley's.

And I feel like I'm being conned. The second one is I always get it confused. And this was a close second choice. I always get it confused, I think, because it was the parody with the one that Peter Kay did. Oh, Amarillo, yes. Amarillo. Amarillo, yes, which I believe is similar.

Yeah, they've got a similar sort of like you're at a wedding in a rugby club and, you know, the old people know, you know, get the old people on the dance floor kind of thing it's that similar thing isn't it and it's and then it becomes a bit i don't know like a bit of an ironic fun thing for the youngsters as well and that's yeah it's exactly that thing it's like i might ironically enjoy it and then i will berate myself by the end of the song because Lord knows I actually probably did enjoy it genuinely. I don't enjoy songs with that much repetition. I cannot bear the fact that they both sound the same.

I don't enjoy it. It needs to leave. It also would remind me that I am probably 500 miles away from civilization. It would be a cruel song for me and rishi to sit and listen to um i'd have to explain to rishi sunak who the proclaimers were he wouldn't understand because he's only ever listened to like you know music through gold speakers or something ridiculous jilly would probably start performing it um in some elaborate drag routine. It would cause mayhem.

It's one of those things where someone's auntie will drag you onto the dance floor and be like, come on, it's just a bit of fun. And you're like, oh, God. And then maybe you think, OK, come on then. And then you catch sight of someone across the hall and they're just giving you a withering, like, oh, look at yourself. And I know, but I can't. Auntie Susan, I can't break her heart.

But it's yeah, it's one of those, isn't it? Yeah, it would be awful. And it's also the second. Honestly, it has to be on for like more than two seconds and then it's in your head for the rest of the day. So if that's all I had on the island, it would just be in my head the whole time. And I would, Rishi would, yeah, Rishi would be pulling me onto the dance floor,

which I would, I'd have to drown myself, I think, actually, at that point. Okay. That's where we'd go. Don't even get me started on the film. Well, I'm going to get you started on the film. I have to. It's my role.

This isn't a specific film. This is just any film that's ever been made. So from my deductions, I think it's quite a lot that has Adam Sandler in it. Okay. I don't know why, but one that's springing to mind is where he's playing golf. Is that correct? Yeah, Happy Gilmore.

Thank you. Yes. He is, again, I don't know him personally, but for me, he is just the epitome of just like male mediocrity. And I find his humour deeply unchallenging. This is the thing with me. i want if i think someone's funny they have to work for it i like people who are funny but think about it he thinks he's funny but he's actually incredibly boring and it's it's like listening to a a small tiny boy child

think he's funny and he's he's invariably not but he appears to be in every single film between approximately 1995 2007 yeah i mean he had he had a couple of sort of notable hits that did well for him and i think happy gilmore think, isn't the worst of his crimes. But, I mean, there are a lot that, basically, on my 21st, I think it was my 21st birthday, I remember staying up all night and then someone put Happy Gilmore on in the morning when we were taking mushrooms. And so I've got a good association with it. But as you said, he didn't have to try very hard

to make me laugh at that point. So, you know. But I think, yeah, I mean's some of the films that he's done have been so bad like i think the comedian richard herring always goes on about one where it's something like the plot is he's a cobbler and he makes a pair of shoes or something like any pair of shoes he cobbles he manages to put on and it takes him back to that person he has a magic pair something just insane where you're like how many rounds of like i know how long it takes to get a film signed off you know the process is very long and complicated how the fuck did this

sneak through that's the thing these films do not just happen in a day they take millions of years there's a film here that i i've just seen the picture of and it's brought back an incredibly awful memory of childhood where i used to have to i used to go and watch football every weekend surprise um to my dad's attempts to try and create a bond um but what i did instead was i requested that we have one of those dvd players that straps so all of the headrests and just like float in the middle of the room of the car awful and this we used to i used to watch big daddy which i've just seen here has him in which upon reflection as an adult now is a film about him treating a child

incredibly poorly and should definitely have been reported to child protection services the poster of this child is him and a small child urinating against a public building i don't i don't believe in that and this this one here called The Waterboy, which I can deduce is literally about someone who provides refreshments for a football team. Right. Let's say you've got a lovely box set of Adam Sandler films to keep you company.

Yeah. All right. Then, Jamie, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I was going to say Rishishunak again, but it is in fact a giraffe. A giraffe. Because, I mean, you know, they're quite, you know, it's a majestic animal. Got lovely, I think, very pretty animal. Lovely eyes. I think they're a very attractive animal. But, I mean, you'd probably disagree. What's your beef with giraffes? What you and giraffes get up to in your spare time is none of my business,

but it's the tongue for me. Oh, yes. Also, I chose it because I'm aware that all of the people on the island will be incredibly short. And so, actually, although I'm not that short, but I definitely am taller than Rishi Sunak. But it would be terrifying for Rishi. I would not appreciate it because it would just get in the way.

It would be disproportionate. How is it going to watch the Adam Sandler films with me? How can I get rid of the Turkish delight if it's all the way up there? Who knows? It would have its uses it could help me get the coconuts down when rishi fails to climb the tree yeah but no they are but i will grant them that they are very nice to look at very fun is it a horse no that's not um jenny could give it a ride lots of fun with it if we got bored we could maybe skin it and wear it as a as a nice coat um i'm joking that's not what i would do but um too disproportionate imagine we as human beings had necks that long we live it yeah i mean they're

absolutely mad looking things i mean as much as i like them the idea of being surrounded by them on an island would be terrifying because yeah they're enormous and you don't know what they get it's like you know you know when you're next to a horse and you say god there's such a big powerful thing what if it kicks me or steps on me and that's like mega horse it's too big you know it's just like even like its back is what must be like 15 feet high or something. It's just I mean, there's such such insane things. I mean, they're quite funny when you see them all running. You know, there's the weird sort of gait that they have to adopt because of their massive neck.

But if you're on a tiny island and you see a group of giraffes running, you think they're probably going to quickly come around the other end of the island. And they're just running at you in a huge stampede so yeah very scary rishi sudak would not know what to do in that situation he'd get kicked he'd be the one that would he'd have although he's got all this you know money this worldly experience he would have no idea he'd be like wow let's go and investigate the legs of this animal and then we'd get kicked into the sea. Yeah, yeah. Which maybe is the reason for giraffes to remain on the island. But yeah, no, I agree.

Imagine them running at you. I know. You'd be livid. Terrible, terrible. It's a very good suggestion. It's one of the more unique suggestions for an animal on the island that I've had in a while. And I think it's a very sound one. So well done. And I think, you know, your selections throughout have been very good as well. I think this is a particularly complicated and tricky island to spend time on. And I think you're gonna have a shit time there. So well done. Thank you so much. So well, is it the Isle of Wight? Is that where we're going? No, Jamie, thank you for coming on.

What are you up to at the minute that people would like to keep in touch with you about? A lovely question. You can find me on the Instagrams and on the Twitters, Jamie underscore Windust. My book came out in October 2020, which was a lovely time during a global pandemic to have a book released into the world. So you can find that wherever you find your good books. It's called In Their Shoes.

And at the moment, I'm just having a lovely time entering the broadcasting world. Very fun. Very enjoyable. What are you up to? What am I up to? You have a plug. Well, I do a podcast called Desert Island Dicks,

which we do most weeks. And the rest of the time, I mainly work from home and, you know, look after two children. And where can people find this podcast? They can find it on Twitter and Instagram at DicksPod or wherever you get your podcast from. And it would be brilliant if they liked and subscribed. That would be lovely.

Yeah, yeah. I usually add a little plea at the beginning and end of this, but I mean, I think having the guest does it, gives it extra weight. So yeah, thank you. Yeah, I'll be livid if they don't. Thanks for having me. It's been a treat.

It's been an absolute pleasure, Jamie. Thank you for coming on Desert Island Dicks. No worries. So there you go, Jamie Windus there on Desert Island Dicks. I hope you enjoyed that. It was a joy recording it with them. And you know what? I'm just really in the mood for keeping these little things succinct at the minute. I think if you're a regular listener, you'll have heard me, you know, spout on the usual stuff, you know, about finding us on socials at Dickspod on Twitter and Instagram or getting in touch with us, dickspod.com slash contact. If you're a new listener, well, I've just told you slash contact. If you're a new listener, well, I've just told you everything there.

And, you know, let's just go about our days and we'll be back with more Desert Island Dicks and another spectacular guest very soon indeed. Thank you very much for listening. Bye.