Desert Island Dicks - JEN THOMAS

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

For this week's Desert Island Dicks I'm joined by Journalist and Radio Presenter, Jen Thomas. Be sure to add us on twitter and facebook @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is journalist and radio presenter Jen Thomas. Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm very well, thank you. How are you? I'm fine, thanks. Thanks for coming in to share your Desert Island Dicks. Thank you for having me.

I love the opening music and it's just the jauntiest tune for what is essentially a horrific situation. So I think it's quite a nice contrast. No, I really appreciate that. I think it likes to, it throws people off because we're about to, you know, we're about to talk about some things that maybe might upset a few people,

but then you sort of saunter it into it, you know, quite happily. But yeah, no, I appreciate that. Thank you very much. You're welcome. I didn't write it. I just edited it together. Take the credit.

It's fine. Okay, thanks. Thanks, Jen. Jen, who's going to be your first person for your desert island? See, I tried to think about this, and there are all these awful people in the world. There's dictators, there are these awful, horrendous leaders,

but I'm a petty person. Okay. So I've gone for what some people will probably listen to and think, these are first world problems. People that I hate, who I think are absolute dicks, are people that come and touch my tattoos because i am covered i've got arms legs right walking work of art and i hate it it is just why do you do it i can see so um for the listeners jen has got tattoos all the way up her arms very colorful lovely looking tattoos um but you just don't like it when people just come and just feel like they can touch them.

Well, the thing is, if I wasn't tattooed, it would be very strange if they just came up and stroked your arm. So it's usually on a night out or public transport, out of nowhere, someone will come up and just stroke my arm. And you're thinking, what are you doing? And unfortunately, it is nearly always men. There have been a few girls, well, I don't know if you've ever seen it,

you can buy these fake fabric tattoo sleeves. Yes. A few of the shops have been selling them for a while. And I remember on a night out in toilets, a very inebriated young lady came up and tried to pinch my skin, thinking it was one of these fabric sleeves, going, let me try it on.

I was like, no, that's attached. That's my arm. That is my skin. Please stop pinching it. But I think that was the only time a woman's done it. The rest of the time it is guys. And I was at the bar in Nottingham and the worst one was this guy came up, licked his fingers

and then rubbed my arm to see if it would come off. You know when you have your hand stamped for a club? I think he was doing that and he's like, I'm A Real. Oh, you've just licked yourself and rubbed it on me. But for the benefit of the listeners, my arms are covered. There's a lot of tattoos. We're not talking about one little one.

It's a solid covering. So you sort of think, do you think I'd get up every morning and draw these on? Yeah. That would take a long time. I know. I kind of feel like that person wasn't thinking straight at the time. No, he just came up and licked it and rubbed it.

I was like, oh, just don't, please don't do that. And then there's the inevitable question of, do they hurt? Yes, okay. You kind of want to say, well, it's a needle being dragged through my skin. So, yes, it hurts. But touching it, no, I just don't like it. But there's some times where it's okay. My left arm is mostly animals and birds and things like that,

and little kids love it. So children will reach out and touch it. No problem at all with that because kids have no filter. They have no filter, and the amount of times you hear, Mummy, there's a hedgehog, accompanied by them grabbing it and looking at it, but that's fine, that's a child. They're not aware of social norms. Yeah, But that's fine. That's a child. Yes, okay.

They're not aware of social mores. Yes. And it's a hedgehog and a bunny. I love hedgehogs and bunnies. Of course kids are going to get excited by it. That's fine. They have a carte blanche to do that. Although probably telling them not to touch strangers would be a good idea.

Yes. But it's understandable. But yeah, people that do that. And then the inevitable side effect of that is they then like to show you their tattoos. Right, okay. Oh, you've got tattoos. Do you want to have a look at mine?

Oh, and it's one that their mate did in their kitchen for a tenner. And it's not good. Or there's all spelling mistakes in it. Or it's healed badly. Have you had to pretend to like tattoos that you're not interested in at all? Yeah, really. Oh, it's awful. And the thing is, they mean well.

And I can be a tattoo snob because I go to the conventions, you go on waiting lists, you spend a lot of money on them. Yes. And then people will show you and you sometimes go, oh, lovely. Okay, yeah. It's really nice. Or people ask you why you got them. And some of them I've got, there's a meaning behind them,

but I just wanted a hedgehog, so there's no real deep and meaningful story. But that's less of a dickish thing than just touching a stranger, I think. That wouldn't be good on a desert island, having somebody that just keeps touching you. No, yeah, that would be really annoying. And as well, just stop, don't lick your hand,

don't rub it on my arm. That was the worst one. That was about four years ago, and it's would be really annoying. And as well, just stop. Don't lick your hand. Don't rub it on my arm. That was the worst one. That was about four years ago, and it's just stayed with me. Sometimes those things go. What benefit has anyone got? Because it's a tattoo on your arm, but by touching it, all you're doing is feeling skin, right? I think the thing when they do it,

I think a lot of the time it's because they don't have any tattoos. So there is an element of curiosity. I think they wonder whether it's going to feel raised, whether you can actually feel it. But ask me. Ask permission. If someone is sober, out and about, and wants a conversation about it, that's fine.

I'll be on the tube, and if you reach up to hold the handrail, obviously your sleeve rolls up and people see it, and some people stare. Being a tattooed woman as well, sometimes they move away. I had a woman move away from me on a national express coach and cross herself because she saw i was tattooed like devil woman get away from me on my coach what yeah that's crazy this day and age yeah it's weird um my grandparents have real issue with tattoos, right? As a lot of that generation do.

And, you know, a lot don't. But my grandparents in particular aren't interested in tattoos at all. But one day I kind of caught my granddad off guard. And I was like, granddad, what do you think of David Beckham? And he was like, he's a real stand-up guy. Do you know what? I love David Beckham. I think he's a great guy.

A great footballer. He seems like a good bloke, good dad. I was like, have you ever noticed he has tattoos all over his neck and his hands and everywhere and it sort of stopped him in his tracks. I was like, you know, one minute ago you were saying he was a good bloke but you condemn tattoos,

you know, it doesn't make the person. No, it doesn't. The thing is that David Beckham is almost a bit of a joke in the tattooing community. There's a tattooist that I follow, I'm getting tattooed by at the Brighton Convention, and he does all these really brightly coloured, really intricate designs, and he's like, oh, give me some of those black and grey angels, like a black and grey angel sleeve.

And you do get people coming in that want an exact copy of a celebrity tattoo, and that has a whole other problem of copying and people stealing designs and things like that. But there's all these whole rules in the community and in tattooing and things, but I think the number one thing is don't be a dick and touch people's tattoos. Great. Okay, so tattoo touches I'm putting down. Yep. Okay, tattoo touches goes on. And who's going to be your second choice?

Technically it's two people, but they kind of come as one entity. Okay. It's Flo and Joan off the TV advert. It's a pair of sisters that sing the most twee songs you have ever heard. And I feel bad because I don't want to bash women that are doing what they're doing and doing very well in their career, but it drives me up the wall. I went to the cinema the other week,

and three of their different songs came on, and the friend that I was with by the third one just went, fuck off! You just heard. You could have heard a pin drop, and all these people turning to look at her, so you start laughing and you can't stop. But she was just so full of rage when they appeared for the third

time she was like no get off my screen it's just it's kind of like um someone described it to me earlier it's like kind of kate nash-esque isn't it is it it is because it's all very spoken word and they've got a keyboard and this one about being sisters the The thing that gets me, I'm a writer, I do a lot with words, and they're doing these things going, I like dancing and I like standing still. Who likes standing still? Really, put that on your Tinder profile and see how many people message you like,

I like standing still. Good for you. Or just going on about, I like salad and I like crisps. It's like, just no. Come on. Stop it. And you know full well,

if you're stuck on this island, there's no electricity for their keyboard, they're going to fashion an instrument out of some coconuts or something and just sit there singing a twee song about your nightmare situation and I'm just hating. I'm on an island and I like it,

but I don't like being here. Yeah, I like it and I don't and I like coconuts and I want crisps. No, shush, Flo and Joan. So how do you it and I don't and I like coconuts and I want crisps. No, shush. Flo and Joan. So how do you know they're called Flo and Joan? It comes up on the bottom of the screen on TV ones. It's not their real names. That's the other thing. They've deliberately picked these twee names

which just adds to the whole caricature of it. So they've got this plinky plonky keyboard and they're called Flo and Joan and oh, no. And they're just going to keep playing this. They're going to keep making up songs. You're stuck there. Little songs with the coconuts because the keyboard won't work.

Tattoo Touchers and Flo and Joan. Who's going to be your third choice? Rude people. Particularly people that are rude to shop assistants or waiting staff in restaurants. Yes. Hated. Yes. We need to stop these people.

It's just awful. I think I went on a date once with someone and he actually clicked his fingers to get the waiter. Oh. Yeah. How long did you hang about? Oh, this was about 10 years ago. So I was only like 21.

I didn't really know much better. And I didn't have a second date, but now I'd get up and leave. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Nowadays I would. Fortunately, my now I'd get up and leave. Yeah, okay, yes. Nowadays I would. Fortunately, my boyfriend does not click at waiters.

But that guy, oh, I wanted the ground to open up a swallow me and I left a really big tip to say sorry to the staff because I felt so bad. That's so rude. He didn't want to leave a tip either. He didn't want to leave a tip. He was just a terrible person. But the bag I'm carrying with me today says,

be nice or go away. Oh, that's good. When I was in the shop earlier on, the girl behind the till was like, we need a print of that. We need a print of that behind the counter because people are rude. And I used to work in a shop

and I worked in a fast food restaurant when I left school. And it's almost that, because you're behind a counter, people lose all basic respect and they can be so rude. People would come up and be on the phone and not put their phone down. So you're trying to ask them questions

or trying to serve them. So what I did when I worked in a shop was I'd just stand there and look at them. Yeah. And they'd be gesturing for me to carry on and you'd just keep looking at them until they put the phone down. Get off the phone and we can deal with this.

Yeah, so get off the phone and then I'll process your stuff. And I just see, it's just manners. I'm very proud of my five-star Uber rating. Oh, wow, you're a five-star? Yeah. Wow. You must have never have cancelled an Uber.

No. That's amazing. I'm really polite. I make small talk with them. Yeah, I've gone proud of those five stars. What? I feel like I've never met anyone with a five star Uber rating

I feel like I need to prove it now yeah yeah I've got I've got five stars I don't want to touch tattoos but I want to almost check that you're real because like

I've never met anyone there we go wow it's real listeners I'm holding up my Uber app at him Jen Thomas has a five star Uber rating I'm sure my friends

and family are going really she's a dick. And that's the end of the podcast. Right, okay. Wow, that's amazing. I'm now on many people's dick lists. Do you want to be on an island with her, sanctimonious smuggler?

I know, yeah. She'll just be nice to me the whole time, so I rate her five-star coconuts. I think I'm like, I could check it. Should I go and check it? You're going to be competitive now. No, what I mean is mine's way less.

Anyone that, but mine is mainly from being on a night out, right? You book an Uber and then someone's like, oh, mate, I haven't had a chance to speak. I speak to them and then I look at my phone and they've cancelled and you're like, oh, I left them waiting just maybe one minute too long. Oh, no. I know, and that's it. See, I'm always the eager beaver that is waiting at the pickup point.

Then I book it. That's good. And they're like, hi, whenever they turn up. And you're already there. But I think perhaps being in the job that I'm in, you get a lot of people talking to you and telling you their stories. And for some reason, I always seem to get the Uber drivers telling me the stories about the worst people they've picked up. so you get to hear all the nightmare stories like there

was one driver who picked up a woman in her 40s who'd had a few too many wines uh she didn't put a seat belt on and they had to do an emergency stop and she hit the back of his seat and then had a nosebleed everywhere and then because she had a nosebleed she was sick then she started shouting abuse at him because she'd been sick. And it was just apparently an absolute nightmare. And I'm sat there in the back going, I'm just going to make small talk with you. This is fine.

Trying not to look around, wondering where the blood and the sick had been. Oh, no, I didn't even think of that element. Oh, that's horrible. But yeah, I get people telling me all these stories and things. It must be something about you that people, they just want to open up and tell you everything. We had that woman in the shop earlier saying to get the

be nice or go away print and everything. Yes. Perhaps I should have a sideline in like psychotherapy or something. Tell me your stories. Tell me your problems. Are there any other occasions that you could think of with rude people that you've witnessed in particular? When I worked in a fast food restaurant,

they had recently done away with the star system on your badges. So nobody had any stars. And I was 16 working there, didn't have any stars, and these guys came in and it had your name on the tag. And they're one of these people where they weren't being rude, but they're being overly nice to be annoying. So they're constantly using your name. So they're going, how are you, Jenny?

Oh, I'm good, Jenny. I'll have that. Thanks, Jenny. Yes, Jenny. Get that for me, Jenny. And you're like, I'm just using my name one more time. Oh, yes. Okay, yeah.

Why haven't you got any stars, Jenny? You're like, nobody's got any stars, sir. Why haven't you got any stars? And I was training people at that point. So I would have had the five. And this is going to make me sound awful. This will make me sound like a massive dick. It was at one of the restaurants

that tried out the new items before they went anywhere else and it will give away the chain now because they do chicken selects the reason they're called chicken selects is because we discovered during that trial nobody can say the word goujons which normally I was really patient with

so people would go I want the chicken goujons I'll get them for you. But this guy, because he'd spent a good two minutes just going, Jenny, yes, Jenny, get that for me, Jenny. He was going, I want the chicken gouges. So I was going, chicken burger. No, chicken things.

Chicken nuggets. So I knew full well what he wanted. And then he really kicked off. I asked for a manager, and the manager backed me up and did the same. So we were just saying we didn't know what he wanted because he couldn't say the word goujon because he was rude oh yeah well fair enough yeah but oh you saw the worst in people when you work there like people are so impatient they lose all sense of time in those sort of situations say they order something and it's not ready and you say to them okay it be 10 minutes. So what I used to do was actually write the time on the receipt

and go, okay, so now it's 2.15, this will be ready at 2.25. You can guarantee at 20 past they'll start going, I've been here for 20 minutes. But you haven't though, it's been five minutes. Yeah, I've written it on there. We're so used to things being ready so quickly. In that environment, i think they almost lose track of time and it feels like forever and because they see everyone else getting their

stuff and they get really impatient and people can just be really rude and i think even the nicest person there's something about fast food or about queuing in shops it just brings out really negative traits i've seen it People in there just being really rude and it's just like, yeah, I need sauce for this or whatever and it's just like, that's not how you

ask for things. That's not how you do this. Do you know what I mean? So I just think if they were on the island, they'd be the sort of person that would be clicking the fingers,

asking you to get stuff to go and get something off the plane that is left there and there'd just be me going, sorry, what was that? You didn't quite say it properly.

No. No, yeah, yeah. While Flo and Joanonas singing a song about it in the corner yeah that was an interesting way to say please so what what was that i didn't say please we'll go and get it yourself then i never knew i was such a passionate person about manners yeah well yeah i mean rude people all rude people which is great because like i don't want them here so they can be on the island. OK, so rude people. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? See, I agree with Amy from her episode. My most hated food is mayonnaise hate it I hate it equally with a passion so Amy's been wanting to create some anti-mayonnaise campaign

that I think she's calling hashtag may know yes I can't believe this mayo's just like I mean I didn't know it was such a problem so Amy said it and then Ed Knight came on the podcast and he said mayo as well. Oh, it's awful.

And I think one of the reasons that it's so divisive is because it's in every sandwich. Quite a few places are cottoning onto it now and doing ones without it with this big sticker saying no mayo. But I'm allergic to dairy anyway. But before I was allergic as a child, then it went away, then it came back. So in the period that I wasn't allergic to it, I hated mayonnaise. But now it's annoying for me because you'll see a sandwich and you think,

oh, I can have that. Oh, no, wait, it's got mayonnaise in it. But because that's already been taken, my most hated thing is prawns. Prawns. I'm terrified of them. Actually phobic of prawns. Prawns. If'm terrified of them. Actually phobic of prawns. Prawns?

If you're listening, please don't be a dick and send me pictures of prawns because you think it's funny because you'll go straight to the top of the dick list because people have done that because they think I'm winding them up. I'll be sure not to use a gif of a prawn to promote this. I was once walking through Chinatown with my ex and for a laugh he went, Oh, look, puppies.

And I turned around and in window, it was floor to ceiling prawns and I turned around and threw up on his shoes. No! It's that bad? It was a really visceral reaction, he went oh my god, I thought you were joking but no I'm terrified of him. Where does this stem from? I don't know, I remember when I was about

10 years old, we, me and my family went on a holiday to Spain and I hated prawns anyway. And I remember we were in a restaurant and my sister was learning Spanish, so my parents were going, okay, you do it. So she ordered this paella

and it turned out full of seafood and my parents don't particularly like seafood either. My dad, for a laugh, went, oh, look, one of your favourite bands is on telly. So I turned away, turned back, he put a giant prawn on the edge of my plate I screamed, pushed away from the table, tipped over backwards

in my chair to get away from it and the rest of the holiday every time the waiters saw us you heard them going gambas which I believe is Spanish for prawn that's what they kept calling me and then at a previous job they found out that I was scared of them so they changed my lock screen on my computer to prawns.

And I couldn't go near it. I was like, mate, if you want me to do any work, you have to change it. You have to get rid of it. I don't know if I've ever met anyone that has such a phobia. It's the beady little eyes. Do you not think they look like evil little bastards? I think they do look like evil little bastards, yeah. I mean, they don't... Okay, bastards yeah i mean they don't they okay by all accounts they don't look that they're like something you want to go

near right especially well i don't want to i really don't want to be sick in the studio but um you know when they're sort of crawling around and stuff before is it so living and dead prawns if they're shelled, fine. So like ice or whatever, like prawn ring from a supermarket, fine. It's the eyes and the face and the prawns are dicks. It's so funny for me being able to swear, by the way. Being a radio presenter, I'm just like, I'm going to swear. Go to town, yeah.

Prawns are dicks. Crabs are dicks. Lobsters are dicks. It's just the eyes. Just crustacean bastards. Yes. There is, yeah, obviously some very obvious similarities between those so you don't like that whole sort of like leggy eye which on a desert island is a pretty bad thing to be fair you'd have to wade out quite far i'd have thought to find a prawn but crabs on the beach are a real thing yes i was in Norfolk last year and was sat minding my own business

and a crab burrowed up out of the sand. I wasn't aware that they buried themselves and I ran a mile. Really? I ran away. But then later on, because I'm like vegetarian and everything, I was walking down the beach

and these kids were rock pooling and I walked past this rock pool and there was a massive crab in it and I could see these kids coming so I went and scared the crab away so they wouldn't get it even though I was terrified of the crab. There's me like dropping rocks in to save this crab because it was massive

I thought you've been there for ages and I didn't want these kids to get the crab but even though I was terrified of it there's me like oh god trying to poke this crab. That's good of you Face your phobia to save that crab. Yeah, I was kind of conflicted between being scared of it and not wanting it to die.

So I have some questions for you. How do you feel about, like, insects? I don't like them. Don't like them either? Well, that's the other thing. I sound like I should be living in a hermetically sealed bubble, but I'm also allergic to mosquitoes. So I would probably die very quickly on this island.

So most of this is probably... None of this is working out for you at all, I think. Okay. Yeah, allergic to mosquitoes. I hate spiders. Well, I think that's quite common. Yeah. You see, I'm not bothered about a spider.

A spider's there. I'm going to scoop it up and chuck it out the window for the rest of my family. I won't kill them. I'll get rid of them. Again, I'm going to scoop it up and chuck it out the window for the rest of my family. I won't kill them. I'll get rid of them. Again, I can't kill them. Prawns. I mean, can you take it to, I know there's the prawn on the plate moment. Is there a specific moment where you first thought, I don't like that? I think I've just, I don't know. I can't even remember. It's just like in your being. Yeah, I've just, I don't know, I can't even remember a particular moment.

Yeah, I've just been terrified of them. Just the face of them. But you said that your parents don't like seafood either, really. Well, they eat it. Yeah, okay, fine. But they eat it. Like, my mum eats fish. Again, I think on that same holiday,

she ordered a sea bass and they brought it out with the head on to show her fur. She's like, I don't want to make friends with it. Like, take it away. No, yeah. But no, they, yeah, I don't think they ever really ate pool. I'll take it away. But no, they... I don't think they ever really ate prawns. Probably because I was terrified of them. They never got them.

That is amazing. Yeah, so you'll have them at Christmas and things. But I had, again, another ex that thought it was really funny. So we'd go to a restaurant and he'd order it and then put the heads on his fingers. So then he was waving them at me and I ended up making a fort out of menus around me so that I couldn't see the prawns.

I mean, that is quite a good trick, though. If you're going to do it. I mean, I can tell I'm putting you through some distress continuing this segment. So basically my worst nightmare food would be a prawn cocktail with the mayonnaise and the prawns that I just know I would starve. If the mosquitoes hadn't killed me already, well, being vegetarian, I wouldn't eat them anyway,

but I think the worst case scenario would be a plane full of meat, but I think if it was down to a survival issue, I'd probably eat it, because if it's that or not dying. Yes, yeah. But prawns, oh, no, nightmare. Allergic to mosquitoes. How's holidays for you? Bad, because they really like me do they yeah there's

something in my blood that i get bitten to shreds do you absolutely bitten to shreds yeah what what is it like i know certain people just are attracted more i i find to do with a blood type or it's a certain amount i think it's a vitamin or something in your blood that they like but i'm blood type b negative which is quite a rare blood type and I think they prefer negative. I may be completely wrong and I'm sure there's a scientist somewhere who will correct me but there's something in the blood that they like. Some people

never get bitten. We go on holiday my mum gets eaten alive, I get bitten but my dad and my sister never get anything at all. That's annoying. You almost want to put those people on the island, right? But yeah, I got absolutely bitten alive and then reacted really badly to it.

So you kind of like, you must have to put on heavy spray, like proper spray. Oh yeah, all the citronella stuff, the candles. I never open windows in summer, so I have like a really boiling hot room. I would rather have a boiling hot room with a fan on rather than risk mosquitoes. Mosquitoes, good so if we can have a desert island

without mosquitoes that'd be lovely i mean it is the worst island and like it's been proven so far it's the worst island on the planet and so unfortunately there probably will be mosquitoes um what's going to be your drink choice carrying on with the hermetically sealed bubble life for jen uh milk because i'm also allergic to that. Right, OK, yes, we touched on this already. And also if you're in a really hot tropical island, that would curdle really quickly. Milk was a bad choice.

Yeah, exactly, you don't want the sour milk. And the smell, it wouldn't taste nice. Plus I'd be allergic to it. That and the mosquitoes. Nobody wants that. No, I mean, I'm starting to go off milk a bit. Like, I've been eating it on my cereal for a very long time and having it in my tea. Recently, I've been having these bowls of cereal

and I've been thinking... It tastes really sour because I couldn't have it at all growing up because it was a childhood allergy from birth and then you sort of grow out of it, which is quite common. And the first time I had it, it was just so sour. It's got a really sour aftertaste. And when you actually think about where it comes from, it's a bit weird.

Yeah, it is weird. It is a bit weird. But the thing now is when I was a kid, there were no other options. It was just like you could get goat's milk and that was it. Whereas now there's like cashew, almond, hazelnut, soya. There's loads. They talk about all the benefits of giving your kids dairy

because I remember when I had my daughter, we moved to whole milk because they were like, you want to get whole milk. So she has all this calcium and stuff. So maybe there are benefits, right, if you can have it. Oh, yeah. But a lot of them now have the vitamins and stuff added. So like the soya milk and things that I have

have vitamins and calcium and stuff added to it anyway. Obviously it doesn't have quite the same levels, but it's a lot better than it used to be 20, 30 years ago, what you could get. There was a next to no choice at all. But I think milk, or if it was something that I could actually drink that wouldn't do me damage, it would probably be gin. It would be my dick drink.

Gin? Yeah. Lovely gin. It's so hipster at the moment. You'll find that everywhere is a bloody gin bar. Well, there is an epidemic of that. Just gin bars everywhere. I'd say that isn't gin's fault.

Yeah, but it's horrible. I think it's one of those things that people say they like because it's fashionable to like or because people think it's cool to like it. It's not nice. Look, I've gone with you up to this point, but actually my spirit of choice would

be rum, but I'm partial to a gin. A gin and tonic, the right tonic with a decent gin. But tonic's disgusting as well. Tonic is disgusting. Jenny, you're denying yourself a beautiful moment. I've tried them. In my journalism, I'm ranting now,

in my journalism, I get sent to these events and I got sent to one where it was all these different gin and tonic tastings and this poor man was like, you just need to try the right one. Nope, didn't like them. Oh, you just didn't like it at all. There was one that I remember trying once, and it was a cocktail that was like gin, lavender and cucumber. And it was because the flavourings that were with it were so strong and so sweet,

because I've got a really sweet tooth, and I think gin is quite bitter. The tonic and the quinine and things in it, they're also very bitter and very dry. And also there was all that research recently saying that people that really like gin are psychopaths. Wow, okay. Did you read that? No. That was about a month or two ago where it was saying that people who,

gin is their favourite drink are psychopaths. I love vodka. Okay, all right. Well, no, I do like vodka, but gin, I really think it is nice. I just think it's one of those drinks that's going through a phase. It's a

bit of a hipster drink you're on the island you open up the cargo of the plane and you can just drink yourself to death so oh yeah i wouldn't yeah yeah plow through the gin or hopefully i don't know use it to sterilize the mosquito bites yes that's it douse myself in gin the mosquito might leave me alone yeah if you drink enough it, they'll probably just stop biting you. They'll all just be drunk. Coming out of your pores. Yeah, I could probably put up with Flo and Joan if I had enough gin. Yeah, it's true.

Yeah. And all the rude people. Yeah. This is turning out to be quite the nightmare island, I think. So you kind of got milk and gin. Two for one. All right, that's all right. I'm more than happy with that.

Apart from the gin. Gin, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck. It only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? Least favourite film is The Martian. The Martian? The one with Matt Damon. Okay.on okay i go to the cinema a lot right and it was one of a handful of films i can think of where i very nearly walked out it was boring you're watching like two and a half hours of a guy growing potatoes in his own shit basically it's true. He does.

Then again, could probably get some tips. Because he's stranded on a planet somewhere. I'm stranded on an island. Yes. But I am terrible at science. So I would probably just lie down and cry with my gin. Yeah. Whereas he actually tried to do something about it.

But it was just really long and really boring. And also, if you're stranded on an island, I don't think you want to be watching a two-hour long film of someone else that's stranded on a planet. That's, yes. Reminding you constantly. That you're also stranded. And because you see all the people at home that get told he's, sorry for spoilers, get told that he's dead,

so they're all heartbroken and really upset. And then they find out, oh, no way, he's alive. And everything goes wrong. And he's growing potatoes in his own poo and Well I mean I can barely remember what I did last week but I remember watching it and enjoying it. I did like didn't it win awards? Was it award winning film?

Doesn't mean it was good. No it's true. That is very true actually. I'm learning this. Loads of things have got all these accolades and they're terrible terrible films. Okay. I do remember watching it and thinking it was good at the time. It's just boring. Oh, right, okay.

And it was also brown. Yeah. Was it because of the planet he was on? Yeah. Potatoes and everything else? Yeah, okay. No, it's not the happiest of films. No, okay.

It would either be like that or Cast Away is the last thing you want to be watching when you're stranded on an island. True, yeah. Look, we're all stranded. Look how futile things are. I know. Can I not have a Disney film or something? Yes.

No, this is the worst possible island, unfortunately. The Martian would be my worst. The Martian, right. That's even the kind of film that I watched probably at the time and thought, oh, I'll revisit this one day. But now maybe I won't. No. It's not worth it. No. Oh, wow. I very nearly walked out of the cinema and thought, oh, I'll revisit this one day. But now maybe I won't. No. It's not worth it?

No. Oh, wow. I very nearly walked out of the cinema and that very rarely happens. I can only think of like two other occasions where I've had to walk out and I very nearly walked out. It was that boring. Oh, my God. Okay.

I can't think of anything worse than it being stuck on loop. Particularly once you know what happens, then you've got to sit through the first two hours of it. Okay, The Martian. The Martian's your film choice and what's going to be your song choice? M People, I think it's called Proud. It's that What Have You Done Today to make you feel proud one.

What have you done today to make you feel proud? What have M People done to upset you? When I was 16 I had a job in a call centre and that was the hold music. So I worked there for about two years and every time you put someone on hold, you also heard the music.

Oh no. And it was that same song. And I remember about two years in, they changed it to Jet, the Are You Gonna Be My Girl? And I was so happy that they changed the song. I didn't mind for six months. And then I left, it was fine.

But yeah, that MP poll on every single day, you lost count of how many times you heard it. And she's got such a warbly voice. And I also think if you're stuck on this island, you're just going to be hearing on repeat, what have you done today to make you feel proud? Nothing, because I'm stuck on this island. I've done nothing to be proud of.

I'm still here. So less of a vendetta on the song specifically but the amount of times that you were and it's a terrible song okay oh fair enough

didn't MP Port am I right in thinking that they won a Mercury Prize one year did they win the Mercury Prize I don't know maybe I think they did

I'll fact check that and I don't know what I'll do with it maybe it'll be for that song Google it in your own time but I think they did which and I don't know what I'll do with it Maybe it'll be for that song Google it in your own time but I think they did which is I don't know

wasn't it used for like one of the electoral campaigns as well? I'm pretty sure Labour used it for something I think you're right A lot of people made jokes about it There's that and I think Desiree won about the

I'll have a piece of toast and watch the evening news or something that life that one oh yeah that's a bit Flo and Joan that is

that same sort of spoken word just no thank you I like my music loud I like my music heavy yeah I mean I love a bit Backstreet Boys

don't get me wrong but it's just not not that song if I had to hear that on repeat it would just drive me crackers. That and Flo and Joan. So imagine hearing that, your musical choice.

Switching that off and in the distance you just hear them warming up with their coconuts. You're like, oh. And then you turn the volume knob back up. M people. I love music so much and it would just really bother me that those are my two choices. I think I'd just end up walking around singing to myself and slowly driving myself mad. Die in silence, that's it. Okay, M people proud.

I can't really fight their corner because I mostly agree with you. Okay, Jen. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Prawns. Prawns! Or crabs.

Crabs are more likely. I know I've already said prawns for food and they're unlikely to actually be running over the island. So for on the island, let's say crabs. Okay, crabs. Because they can be land-based and running around. And it comes up and just surprises you when you don't need it. Yeah, you'd be trying to paddle

and trying to break away from the mundane existence that is your life on this sandy beach. And there's a crab. Have you seen how quick they are? Yes, they are quick. They are fast little sods. As I just stumbled on that beach in Norfolk. I am not an athletic person,

but I sprinted away from that crab. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was just running sideways. And oh, it's just, they're really fast. They move sideways. They've got the beady, they're really fast. They move sideways. They've got the beady eyes. It's the eyes that bother me. That come up.

They are weird, aren't they? The crabs and the prawns and the lobsters, they've all got the weird eyes. No. I'm not a fan of those at all. So that would be my nightmare. I think I would then try and retreat in onto the island and into the woods only to have the mosquitoes.

Because isn't it, I don't know whether this is true, you'll probably have to fact check it, I think that you don't get many mosquitoes by the sea. I think it's something to do with the salt water and things like that. I don't think they like it. So actually on the beach itself you don't get many mosquitoes. So I would be thinking, I'm safer here, but there's crabs. Right.

And in some places you get giant crabs. Oh no. These massive great things. And you imagine on an island like this they would be big. And they some places you get giant crabs. Oh, no. These massive, great things. And you imagine on an island like this, they would be big. And they can hurt you. That's the thing. Yeah. The prawns, I know, is completely irrational.

Like, the worst thing that's ever happened from a prawn is someone getting food poisoning. Yeah. A crab can actually hurt you with the pincers and things. Yeah, it's even attacked. So I think that's a slightly rational fear. And lobsters. You're sleeping on the beach and it's just pecking at your head. Yeah, but I don't, it's weird.

I'm not really, I'm not phobic of crabs and lobsters. I just don't like them because they're similar, whereas prawns can't even look at them. No. It's weird. They're like a definite thing. And I know people are going to think I'm incredibly strange now. No, no, not at all.

No, no. Why do you want some people scared of like baked beans and belly buttons oh yeah i mean on this very podcast people have gotten quite upset about cats and dogs and you know they're everywhere and they live in people's houses right so i mean i think it's fine it's quite it's quite an do you know i mean you're not keeping a crab as a pet well you someone might someone probably does somewhere well if you do then i'd love to have you on this podcast have a little chat about it your pet crab

and for this week's special Des Island Dicks it's a crab special where we're just going to talk about the fact that this person owns a crab it does seem like

a strange thing to eat I mean obviously food wise everyone else would be happy if the island was overrun with crabs because they'd have loads of food

but I'd just be running away oh yeah trying not to eat them and just crying at the fact that there's milk and if the island was overrun with crabs, because they'd have loads of food, but I'd just be running away. Oh, yeah. Trying not to eat them and just crying that there's milk and crabs everywhere. Flo and Jonah, you tattoo touchers, can you just, you do a bit. Yeah. It's like, you can go and get bitten by crabs.

Just, no. No, thank you. So, crabs. Crabs are going to be your animal choice. Jen, thank you so much for coming in and sharing your desert island dicks with me. I never realised I was such an angry person this has been quite cathartic just like yeah to vent yeah let it all out no that's what it's all about thank you for

having me um no no thank you very much for uh coming in jen if people want to hear you where can they hear you i am on fly fm every thursday from 7 till 8 p and I am on Hart Yorkshire every Sunday 12 till 4pm and also I write for the Metro so if you have a read on Fridays there's quite often interviews with bands that I've done in there Amazing! All over the place Thank you so much Jim. Thank you Bye.