Desert Island Dicks - JESSICA FOSTEKEW

Episode Date: December 7, 2018

My guest for this week is host of the Hoovering podcast and co-host of The Guilty Feminist, Jessica Fostekew. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and host of The Hoovering podcast, Jessica Foster-Kuhn. Hello. Hello, how are you? Yeah, I'm all right, thanks. Thank you for coming in. Hey, my pleasure. I think this sounds really funny. Okay, good. Well, I really appreciate it.

I'm worried because I've had a think about my responses and I am worried that I'm going to be like either sued or killed. Really? Yeah. That sounds so intriguing. It's exciting, isn't it? It is exciting, yeah. A bit of fizz in my life.

Hey guys, stay tuned for what's about to happen. Jessica, let's dive in. Who's going to be your first person? Can I say someone and then not say their name? Yeah. The genuinely worst person I would like to be stranded on an island with is one particular comedian. Okay.

And I'm quite confident he's a murderer. Or if he hasn't killed, he's definitely hurt animals. Really? He's got the... He's got... He's like a twitching jaw. Oh my God. Bulging eyes.

I mean, I don't know how to describe it other than, I mean, I think a lot of cocaine has a lot to do with it. Really? Okay. Now you get why I'm not saying his name. Not because, you know, I wouldn't, I think actually, I swear to God, I would be brave enough in a green room to say

i think these things about you because he's such an appalling human being he's such a hands-on appalling human being but i don't i also don't trust him not to a sue me and b have me killed in my sleep really yeah he's that he's that kind of guy he He's got a reputation for psyching people out, really darking people out, muttering to people. As you cross over on stage, or just as a new actor's about to go on stage, muttering something about them looking fat or how they're shit.

Like, really nasty. He's quite open about hating women, hating fat people, hates people that care about the environment, hates vegans, really hates vegans. I'm desperately trying to think of who you're talking about. I mean, they've been around for a long old time and I think bitterness is a big part of this. Wow. But it's it.

I'll be honest, for the first five, six years of my career, I was terrified. And I've cancelled gigs that I've been on a lineup with him because I didn't want to share the um you'd have to stay over in someone's house I was like no and also but just sometimes I just thought I can't bear to be in a green room that's like that he makes every space around him so toxic but I now I think it's funny okay like. Like, it's so funny. And I once saw a little, a little, the little divot in the armour that made me maybe understand where some of it was coming from. I saw him out of nowhere, because he's horrible to everyone, which at least is kind of egalitarian. I saw him almost hero worshipping a younger comedian,

a comedian who's quite a lad. And he was almost flirting, it was almost flirting. And this is a man who I'm relatively lad and he was almost flirting it was almost flirting and this is a man who i'm relatively confident will also be homophobic it was so he's so intense and he's so full-on one of my favorite things he's ever done is um once on stage he was talking about his zen partner and he said the best thing about her is she's clean. At least she's clean. As he's talking, you just sort of shudder. He's like, shudder. But I think in the context of

a desert island, I can't think of anything worse because I'm so confident that if he hasn't already killed, that he has the potential and desire to take life. That I, there's one thing being, the only places I ever have to see him,

and it's very rare, are so public, they're either where you're on stage, like you can't have more people looking, you know, in a way you're at your safest with a murderer if you're on a stage. Yeah. And, or in a green room where it's like, do you know what I mean?

I don't know, it's kind of, you know what I mean? I don't know. You might sometimes be trapped on your own with them, but everyone knows that you're there. It's not secret. You're on an island. The idea of being on an island with him and then him slinking off and you don't know what bit he's gone to. I feel slightly nauseous just considering it.

Who is this person that is so scary and dangerous? Do you know what I mean? If you can't be on your own with them. I mean, I think he'd be just as likely to just knock you out. Right, okay. I mean, I don't... But I can imagine him...

I can honestly imagine... It's so bad because... I think as well, if any comedians are listening to this, they'll know who I'm on about. Oh, really? I can genuinely... He's got such boggly eyes and, clenched jaw and such venom there's such vile in him that i can

honestly i can honestly basically when i get home from kicking with him i always have like an hour to tell my partner of just little things and i think funnier than anything that this guy does is the fact that my partner's like can you please write down everything that that man has done in your company i can so easily imagine him like enjoying squeezing a windpipe oh my god he's so bleak he's the bleakest person i've ever met but then how how are so many people obviously wanting to see this person no they're No, they're not. Oh, they're not? No, no, no.

This is not a successful person. Relatively. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. But like... I've never even seen

an audience enjoy it, let alone like a live audience. How are they still doing it? I think loyalty with some bookers and also I think there's like a brand,

there was like a brand of 90s club comedy that was really popular for a bit. There was a company called Jonglers that have gone bust, but they really, they didn't start like that, but they became and they had their heyday in the 90s where it was like people wanted to go out in big groups, stags, hens, and they wanted to see a really aggro, nasty lad. It's like the opposite of what would fly in Edinburgh now. And there's even very few clubs left like it, actually, certainly that are doing all right financially. It's a real dying part of a wave of stand-up.

You almost said art, a dying art. Well, it is. Well, it was of itself. And you could see that the comedians that got really adept at those audiences were doing it because that was their livelihood. And at the time, in the 90s, they were minted. Right, yes. They were getting, those clubs now,

live comedy now pays half what it did then. And that money was worth how much more then? Yes, okay. There were nights where you'd triple up and you'd get a grand in a night. Yeah, laugh it. And at the time, that grand was worth how much more then yes you were getting there were nights where you'd get you'd triple up and you'd get a grand in a night yeah and at the time that grand was worth probably you'd need what four or five grand now to to make that so you know no one that's not a superstar is earning that money in the night yeah so so yeah there was a fall from grace and then and there is still a call for that kind of comedy,

especially headliner in rooms full of people that have been quite leery. Right, okay. They might put more kind of current comedy on first and then they might have that to close. So the drunken, like, wow. Yeah. Weird. Yeah.

Trying to slot that brand of comedy into today's audience. Yes, and I think that's why I haven't, I mean, I can't remember the last time I saw it fly. Okay, fine. Yeah. Right. It's kind of the kind of comedy that should have died with the lads mags and all that kind of,

that 90s. Yeah. Wow. Okay. I'm so intrigued on who this person is. Can you tell me afterwards? Yeah. Oh God, I can't wait um i'm sorry

listeners you're never gonna get this torture for no um okay so that comedian specifically yeah and maybe an umbrella of a similar type of comedians or no no i think that's too broad no he's the only person i've ever met in life it's not in in comedy. In my whole life, who I thought, I think you'd like to kill people. Oh my God. Yeah. That is incredible. And that I've known, like I'm sure I've met serial killers

and I didn't know because they were like playing me. Right. But this guy's like, hands up, I hate humanity. Wow. Okay.

Number one person that you do not want to be stuck on an island with is that comedian. Yeah. Thank you very much, Esther. Who's going to be your second choice? I'm going to go for Kanye Kardashian.

Kanye Kardashian. Yay, yay. Yay, nice. Now, I'll be honest, this isn't that personal. It's an example of a thing that I find troubling. I don't want anyone... The thing with that comedian is he takes a lot of joy in making people feel like crap.

And I think if you're going to spend the rest of your life with one, two, three people, you've got to make sure that none of them are going to make you feel negative. Right, yes. And I've got a real, probably irrational discomfort with extreme egos. that can be quite tricky in comedy sometimes but like real big ed real big heathery makes me really right like riled and he

kind of he just sort of he encapsulates that in a human doesn't he really like no one should be that sure of themselves like god complex oh absolutely but also i think that value from the whole sort of that that whole bunch all the kardashians i don't know see i don't really follow celebrity no but i put on social media to help with this like um right help me out which is the worst kardashian right and then it's just got a lot of really funny responses a lot of a lot of kanye's and and a lot of kind of alls and a lot of who and a lot of yeah but i mean really funny responses thank you for those if you're someone who helped me out with that but i am was anyone sort of backing them up was anyone none at all no one of my favourite responses was one of the ones that sort of tailed in at the end. And it was someone saying, I understand they're everywhere.

So it feels impossible to ignore them. But trust me, it's really worth the effort. That's so great. I really like that. I felt like really, really kind of a real cool kind of life guru. I hope that person's a therapist or just well utilised as a friend. I think the other thing, the end of the arrogance comes this kind of really distorted, really distorted opinion of how important appearance is.

Oh, yes. From that kind of like, yeah, that kind of celebrity as well. Oh, it's toxic. I mean, it's so damaging, especially to people that live on social media, like kids. I don't know. It's bonkers.

Oh, it's scary. I think there's a madness about it. And I think as much as... There'd probably be some comedy value in being stuck on an island with someone like that. And especially if you got to see them unravel under the requirements to survive. Yes.

So this is the one I may be kind of, there's flimsiness in my conviction over. Okay. But I think I have to throw someone in there who encapsulates God delusion and a keen over, a real over kind of, how do you articulate it?

They care way too much about what they look like. Yeah, okay, yeah. I know what you mean. It's like, it would be dangerous, but then I wonder how Kanye Kardashian would fit into the hierarchy then. Like, is he still playing his God complex? Is he like like everyone else

on the island should be working to get me off here or i just i'm just like yeah you don't know do you i mean there are times where he puts himself forward as being a workaholic and kind of needing to you know he has like stress detox stuff doesn't he or something a vague memory or something like that. But then also you think you get to that level of hugeness and you're undoubtedly, even if you've lost all your self-awareness, you're not doing the stuff that most people are doing for themselves anymore. No, okay, yes.

You know, there's no way that he is having to sit down and sort out his new online telephone banking code. No, of course not. He's never put a wash on that's what i was doing when james just came and got me before this box up what are you doing i was like oh god i'm not living my best life i'm just trying to get my online banking code sorted out with my new account yay isn't doing that no he's not yay he's yay now yeah i mean that in itself i know fantastic if

you listen to his music it's just like obviously he has a talent in production but the content is just unbelievable it's like it's just he he thinks he's a god he he absolutely thinks he's a god and i'm telling you now no one around him is telling him he's not. So it's just like, that is only going to get worse. That is bad. You know, he's been allowed to, I'm not blaming anyone else other than him, but he's been allowed to just become this complete, like, bobblehead, massive head yay that he is today. Oh, it's a mess.

You do kind of have to put, not, you know, not much, but a modicum of blame in people who have let themselves become part of an entourage for like a living deity like that. Because you think, I think it's in human nature, isn't it? We enjoy worshipping people. We love that feeling of awe and wonder. I know. But ultimately, those've, those people

can't have kept their wits about them. You must know there must be so many people who part of their job is telling someone that they're more talented

than they are. Or someone that whatever their output is is better than it is. I guess that's just part of so many people's jobs. Oh my God, yeah. It's just like,

especially if you're working in sort of like entertainment industry, it's just riddled with subservience and everyone just sort of like, you know, management involved because there's a lot of ego and talent and I you know I can sneer at it for 90% of the way and then there's 10% of the way where I'm like yeah man I've got pretty fragile ego I can't hang around

after gigs in case I don't want to overhear someone saying oh I hated it when she did that bit or like even if someone went I didn't like her jumper I'd be like and then you do but then you get the other end of the spectrum, which is where you go on a job and you get someone who's like, you're right, oh, God, great idea. I know, I know.

Oh, that sounds fab. Ooh, you know, really schmoozy. OK, yes, OK, so Kanye is going to be your second choice and who's going to be your third choice? Anyone that works for Southern Rail. Anyone that works for... No, Anyone that works for Southern Rail? No, it's not Southern Rail, actually. It's Southwestern.

Southwestern, okay. Southern, I think they're up against it, and I feel sorry for them. And I'm on Southern all the time. But Southwestern, I kind of want to set that murderous comedian on them. Really? Yeah. The only way I'd have them on the island with me

is if I'd ended up with all three of these dicks. Really? Yeah. And they could I'd have them on the island with me is if I'd ended up with all three of these dicks. Really? Yeah. And they could hope that they could wipe each other out or I could watch from atop a coconut tree. Coconut. I love coconut tree. So, South Western, they've let you down a lot of times. So many times. Really?

But also just no humanity, no mercy. I think that's a theme. I hadn't realised that was a theme. I'm going to be stuck somewhere. Surprise, surprise. I want to avoid being there with anyone who shows a dearth of compassion um yeah like I've uh oh god it's so boring hearing people's terrible train stories please come on oh I I uh I've just had so many times and there was one recently where I got to my train station in South East London and the train just never came. Nothing came up on the signs,

nothing came up on the boards. It just never came. So I was meant to be changing at Waterloo onto a South Western train. I worked out I could get my advance ticket out from my local station. So I did that and I waited for the next one. I got on it.

By this point i know i'm gonna miss the advanced train i booked onto so i queued for like what is it like 25 minutes to talk to a person at waterloo i explained the situation and they were just like nope like you just need to buy a whole new ticket and by this point it's like 150 quid and i was like i mean that's brutal that is i have just explained what happened and i and um and and um and I was like, I mean, that's brutal. That is brutal. I have just explained what happened. And he was like, tell me what train you were meant to be on that never turned up. And I said it again. And he looked online.

He literally kind of just went like... on a computer and then went, looks like it's running fine. And I was like, I just don't believe you. And I was like, wow. I couldn't believe it. And I said, well, would you do me the cut just the basic customer service of letting me talk to someone else instead and you went get back in the queue so i got back in the queue i queued for another 25 minutes and i spoke to this girl and i explained what just happened and um i started

crying which wasn't voluntary but i was so skin at the time. You know when you're down to your clothes crumbs. And I swear to God, I was on my way to a funeral. So I knew I just had to get on the next train. And also time's running out. Yeah, didn't care. She didn't care. And she laughed. She just laughed. And she said, look, show me the tickets that you got out,

the advance tickets you've got for the train you've missed now. And I showed them to her and she went, it proves on these tickets that you got out uh the advanced tickets you've got for the for the train you've missed now and i showed them to her and she went it's show it proves on these tickets that you missed your train you just missed your train because you got the you got these printed at this time and i was like because the one i was there in time for just never showed i don't i honestly don't know how to understand i can't bear i cannot bear it and um i was just so upset. And in the end, you know what? Like karma won me the day because I walked out of there and was like, I'm getting on the train. Like I'm just getting on the train with the tickets that I know aren't valid. And they got checked twice and both times the person didn't care.

So thank you so much to the human ticket inspector who's not kind of caring too much about these. Also, the train wasn't very busy, you know, but it was just just like i'd like to think that those people have just had terrible lives yeah and aren't treated well at work or whatever but in that case change job like there are other jobs you can do if you're qualified enough to have that busy a role in a big company like that you can move to somewhere where you're at least you can at least be good enough in your soul to trust someone who's just earnestly been screwed over. Look another human in the face and think, this person needs to get on this thing. And to laugh at a crying woman. You're like, oh, okay.

That's cool. These are Satan's helpers. us um what i'm seeing here is this is a certain balance between um kanye west's entourage yeah and these people that work at southwestern rail that are uh dealing with like like not that kind is not a human being but like you know everyday people yeah just like a little i don't want kanye's entourage i'm not banning them it's just him oh sorry no but i mean that subservience that he deals with all the time you know if those people had a little bit of can you imagine

if Kanye's ever had to try and get a ticket changed at a Waterloo ticket station just like yeah that would bring him down

a peg or two I think that would work quicker than being stranded on a desert island with useless me and two other psychos if you had to deal

with them it would be so good. It's that amazing Blue Jam sketch that does make me think of all the time. Have you seen the one where Chris Morris' Blue Jam sketch, which is from the 90s? Maybe the noughties. It's so dark. So dark. I've never seen it.

Oh, it's one of my favourite things. It's got like Juliette Davis and Kevin Eldon and Mark Heap it's so, so dark but there's an amazing sketch that's probably one of the least dark things in it where it's like a company that you can hire out idiots to go and have your arguments for you

because of how excruciating it is to argue with an idiot and Juliet Davis is playing this idiot and she's going into this place to argue about a parking ticket. Oh, you know, she's being paid to, but she's like, what do you mean parking meter? I parked the car.

And they're like, yeah, you had to put some money in the meter once you'd done that. I don't, I'm not driving a meter. I'm driving a car. And it is like, and it's just so subtle. It's subtler than that.

I'm not doing it justice, but it builds up and it's like and it just so slow it's subtler than that i'm not doing it but it builds up and it's like oh that frustration yeah i wish you could have a bit of that really more going on about you but no instead just taking it all to heart so are you still living in that area still having to get a southwestern yeah yeah i mean i live in southeast london so i'm on southern most of the time i'm not up against this all the time right okay right right right

and I'm quite close you know I'm only zone sort of I think I'm on the borders of zone 2 and 3 it's okay right yeah but yeah

I think I would do I would now would just if that happens again I'm just risking getting on the train I'm not trying to have a conversation

with someone oh for sure yeah okay yeah just do it yeah and also I think do you know what in all seriousness I'm just risking getting on the train. I'm not trying to have a conversation with someone. Oh, for sure. Yeah, okay, yeah. Just do it. Yeah. And also I think, do you know what? In all seriousness,

it's 2018 as we're talking. If you want to have that conversation, have the conversation in public with a company and go on Twitter. Yes. Like there's not much comedy in that, but that's actually how you get stuff changed. That is how you get stuff done.

Ironically, how you get dealt with like a human by a human. Isn't it? It's so, that is so fucked up. Isn't it? If you say that on this, this it's so fucked up to get the most human treatment from a human you have to go online and make it public it's ridiculous and shame them ultimately you do just have a public shamey yeah and that's how you get stuff sorted yeah just try and it's the only way to find out

when i'd like advanced trains are it's the only way to to get Barclays Bank to pick up the phone. It's the only way. There's so many. It's so dark. Okay, so people from Southwestern Rail. Yes, please. All people. Yeah.

Okay. Thank you very much, Jessica. Hey, I've enjoyed that. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts

offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Jessica, now mercifully among the records of the plane there's some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Oh, food. Food is like, that's your thing, right? Food, I love food. There's so few foods that I hate. But I was trying to think, like, there's one thing that, like, I don't know, I really, I wouldn't say I'd never eat it, but the idea that it was all you were left with, oh, it made me feel

so sick is just like um you know you get those packets of funny i'd say you know you get those packets of mackerel oh they're like um got like pepper smell of that my partner i had to just say you can't do that we can't be together if you're going to do that. He microwaved that once. No way! Oh, for months in our kitchen, the whole flat and the smell in the microwave. Oh, no.

Awful. That can really like... It's the nature of that fish and that way whatever has been done to it. It's like trying to eat fishy hair. It's hairy. It's horrible. It's hairy.

And those big peppercorns on the top, it's just so brutal. I mean, I think it's extremely good for you. Is it? Yeah. Oily fish is like really good for you, but no fucking thanks. I went through a phase with that mackerel and i felt like i was making salads and because it's cheap it is quite cheap and you get like three or four bits in there and i do like fish i was buying it for a while and they do a couple

they do like a peppery one and like a chili one yeah the chili one chili one yeah but like i was putting it in a salad and i think i just ate too much and I was just like, I just can't do this anymore. No, I agree. I think something happened. I definitely used to be able to enjoy it. I've definitely been like, oh yeah, I'll get that and make a salad.

Like happily in my teens or twenties. And now the thought of it, it's like, it's so grim, is it? How do you feel about kippers? No thanks. No, yeah. Similar sort of thing, isn't it?

I think that might be something I can grow up. When I grow up, I might like. I still don't like whiskey. And I hope at some point to be able to like whiskey. Do you? I think sexy people like good whiskey. Do you think so? Yeah.

I find it really fit when someone likes whiskey. Do you? Wow. Okay, cool. But I can't stand it. I suck up just on that one thing left of child's mouth but um and kippers i put up there i think that's just something grown-ups like oh did you put that up there as well yeah i reckon like there'll come a time in my like 50s or 60s where

i can magically like whiskey like kippers and do cryptic crosswords okay yeah cryptic crosswords are impossible no one can actually do old people it's old people james you need time um the what i was gonna say with the mackerel that would just get awful wouldn't it imagine if you had to have that for the rest of your life i mean if it was fresh like i guess like yeah and then he cooked like some nice mackerel but like that packet mackerel i don't know what they've done but that is even that i think it's i really love fish but i think i really i think i hate mackerel yeah i um i had some i cooked some recently fresh because it's like it's one of the few fish as well that's not as far as i'm aware it's not massively popular so it's not massively overfished

it's quite easy even in a supermarket to get hold of really ethically sourced mackerel that's got that MSC, that marine whatever stamp on it. And so I bought some and was like, it just gave me too, it just was too similar to that stuff in that packet. Okay, yeah, you couldn't do it. Well, I ate it. I thought you were a vegan.

I was like, what am I doing? No, no. Vegetarian? No. Well, yes, mainly but I sometimes eat if I'm careful about where I get it from, yes, mainly, but I sometimes eat, if I'm careful about where I get it from, but eggs and fish I eat some of. Yeah, I'm the worst vegan ever. I'm not a vegan.

No, okay. I'm absolutely nowhere near a vegan. I'm not allowed to use the word vegan anymore. Okay. But nine days out of ten, I'll eat like a vegan. Okay. I still don't use that word. I don't think you need to confine yourself with a title like that.

No, I'm not very good with labels. No, a label. All they make me want to do is rebel so I just have to say all the names for someone that lives like that are so embarrassing Flixator you sound like such a wanker and actually it's simpler

a lot of the time to just say yeah vegan if you're working on a set it's just easier to say you're vegan than go well in this instance I do this here's just easier to say you're vegan. Yeah. Than go, well, in this instance, I do this. Here's my diet food. Yeah. Oh, God. Who wants to hear all that?

Yeah. Especially if you haven't got an allergy to anything and you've just made a decision yourself. Okay. So mackerel's going to be your food choice. Specifically that type of packet mackerel that we all know. What's going to be your drink choice? It's specific to the theme. But I think the worst drink to have on a desert island is your only drink left other than would be Advoka.

Oh, imagine. I mean, there's eggs in that, aren't there? Yeah. And it's, I've opened a bottle once that had gone off and it was bad. Did you? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't get me wrong, like Christmas Eve, I have a lot of love for a snowball. That was like me and my dad, probably from an illegally young age, would make snowball cocktails with a little bit of vodka,

a splash of sherry, a splash of lime cordial, squeeze of fresh lime, and then lemonade. And you stirred it. Oh, it's nice. And it was so fun and creamy and fizzy all at once. Yeah, it's good.

It's the best. Yeah, yeah. But the idea of just the slick avocado and the fact that it's got such a measly shelf life and that there's eggs in it. And it's going to be so hot. It's going to be hot on the island. It's like, it's almost a solid.

Oh, that's grim. Yeah. That would be the worst. Of all the things we've discussed when I was thinking about the podcast, I was most chuffed of thinking of Advocate. Really? Because it's so

they can't imagine a worse thing to drink than a dessert. Horrific. It's got egg in it. Girl. No, that's horrible isn't it? Bad.

Who's invented that that they put an egg in a drink like that? Eggnog and stuff like that it's all quite it's a thing isn't it? I don't know. In my head it's Germanic

but I've got no idea what the origin is. All I know about eggnog is just like that, it's a thing, isn't it? I don't know. In my head it's Germanic, but I've got no idea what the origin is. All I know about eggnog is it's an American beverage. I don't know. I've never had it. I've never had it. In my head it's a snowball with some nutmeg on top. I mean, I'm into it.

Yeah, for the rest of your life that's going to be horrific, isn't it? What a horrible, horrible choice. I mean, although you have kind of inspired me to possibly make make a snowboard christmas yeah okay great thank you very much jessica so avocados going to be a drink choice and we'll hear more from jessica after this fortunately for you you won't be about entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song what are they and why oh okay um with song yes i haven't got a specific one okay um but any song that has people going yeah yeah yeah in it

i know what you mean yeah any song where anyone says yeah in the song, especially if they say it more than once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, fucked. For the listener's benefit, your actions are so good during that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've put a bit of too much character in there.

Too much, okay, right. That falsetto, it's that, I'm pretending to be excited, right. Falsetto. It's that, I'm pretending to be excited, but I have died inside. I don't like most musicals because of that. Oh, I'm feeling a feeling. You're fucking not. I am, and it's rage.

At that, at what I'm witnessing right now. Can you think of a song? No song. No specific song. Okay, I'm just going to have to put Yeah, Yeah,

Yeah. Okay. Which is bad because that band are actually fine. The Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's are great, yeah.

I really do like the Yeah, It really does. Ironically. No, yeah, I'm just going to say that the Yeah, Yeah,

Yeah's definitely aren't going in. They're not going in. okay. May they not going in. No, okay. May they never go in. I think actually if someone tried to put them in, I'd just be like, okay, well, you're not the person I thought you were. And this isn't going out anymore. I'm not giving you the airtime. I'm not giving you the airtime.

And yeah, that's it. And if we never see each other again I think that'll be fine it's probably for the best okay so film okay so any song with yeah yeah yeah

yeah that's it done yeah sweet okay and what's going to be your film choice so I can't remember what it's called

and I've tried to look it up go but when I was a student it's either called it might be called Five it might be called Water but I can't find them on IMDb and it's infuriating. So as a student, I tried really hard to be a lot more pretentious than I was.

And I got really into Mike Lee films. I tried to like Woody Allen films a lot more than I now happily a bit I do. I really tried to be a wanker about it. Kira Star moon but really and then i went to the ica on the mall in london uh which is the institute of contemporary art which is a gallery really but it does have a little screening room in it and watch this film um and it's the first and certainly not the, but the first time I've ever walked out. Really? Yeah, it turned out it was, and I can't, I would have said this,

if you just said what's your worst film you've ever seen, I'd have said this, but the idea of having to endure it on a desert island is extra special. Oh, yeah. Because it was five scenes, by which I mean someone has put a camera and just filmed it of different expanses of water. Just that. It was the most pretentious thing I've ever seen.

It was just a film, a camera filming a lake. No. A very gentle river. Okay. And then I didn't last minute. I'm hoping that the people that endured the entire feature-length film at least got to see something funny like a puddle or a child's bath do you know

what i mean a bit of fucking drama loads going on in a child's bath not with the child in it but just like all the toys yeah but no it was just like was just, it was just the image of still slightly kind of the sun on some slight water. And, you know, for five minutes you think this is clever. I feel really zen. Yeah. And after 20 minutes, you're like, you fucking what? And I think I waited for it to move to the hardly moving river. I'm done. I'm done.

I'm done. Even at 19 or whatever I was, I was like, even now, even at 19, I've got better things to do. You were 19? And I had nothing to do. When you were 19, you watched this? Something like that. Wow. I tried so much.

I've tried really hard to be a massive wanker when I was at uni. So my burning questions were how did you end up at this and that's the reason yeah I had so I was at a very uncreative university doing a very uncreative degree

right I did law and I enjoyed it actually but I already knew I didn't want to be a lawyer and I knew that there was a I don't know how to put it like a kind of slight I can't say a soullessness actually, but there's like a dweeby, I went to LSE and it's a real,

it's very politically active. I really enjoyed that. But that's what all the passion is about. The passion is about policy and, you know, how laws, how governments behave, how policy is made, how countries interact with each other. That's the stuff that everybody there cared about. And I'm grateful that it made me care about that. But in terms of anything artistic, it was a vortex.

And in terms of the, you know, I didn't, I'm very lucky that was an intercollegiate halls. So I made friends with people that were at all sorts of London unis. Oh, that's good. But a lot of them were quite arty pants. And then the first sort of place I properly lived and I've stayed ever since afterwards was South East London right by Goldsmiths. So actually I was like the lone dweeb.

Right. And I really felt like I had some catching up to do with these fashionable, artsy-fartsy people. And now, you know, these are still my friends, but my hands are up and they are covered in normality. Yeah. I don't even pretend to understand the things they love. Oh, it's hard work trying to do that. Do you know what I mean? If it's not you.

But when you're that i mean at that age i had no idea who i was and i've hoped that i would end up to be someone a lot more sophisticated than i am at 35 again i suppose it's a bit like the crosswords and the coopers i'm it might kick in in my 50s he's hoping yeah okay yeah who don't who don't who knows um but no you look you do you yeah i mean incapacity to appreciate beautiful artistic filmmaking i've got two kids i don't i still don't know what i want to do or who i who i am see what i mean so yeah uh other burning question although it seems less important now did you pay to go to this

or was it free that uni oh the film the film yeah definitely paid but I think it was probably a fiver or something

okay yeah this was back in the day yeah this was like what 2002 or 3 would have been like you know 15 pounds now yeah

yeah it would can you imagine I mean the fiver was probably quite a lot of dough to me but it wasn't enough to... But it's enough to, like, pay your way into looking like you know what you're talking about or into the crowd, yeah.

Okay, so film is just like a film of water. Also, one of my... One of the most annoying things when I'm watching a film is if I have to get up and go for a wee, right? Nothing's going to make me need a wee more than just watching water for however long. That's true, you know, just watching a running tap.

I'm going to miss a bit. That's a pregnant woman's worst nightmare, isn't it? Can you imagine? Okay, film. So, film is five or water, whatever it was called. And I've tried so hard to find it and I can't. That would take the piss on a desert island, wouldn't it?

Surrounded by water. Thank you very much, Jessica. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Slug. Slug. There's loads of people said that. No, surprisingly few.

Really? Yeah. I think it's the only animal I could definitely never eat. I'd rather die. I'd rather die. I'd rather starve. Okay, yeah. The thought of one, the sight of one. Just talking about it this little bit now,

and I'd say I'm probably four out of ten feeling sick. Do you hate them that much? Well, having hate's a weird thing because it's not it's not personal and in a way i feel guilty because it's not their fault no but that everything everything actually about them is so so gross i mean it's like touching a little weird i couldn't touch it no i'm not touching it it's putting your head also like all other animals i would you know i do care about animals, but I remember watching slug die.

We had, maybe this is like trauma, we had slugs and snails would get in our house. I grew up in the countryside and there'd be like these trails sometimes up the stairs. On the carpet. And so my dad was like, badass, 80s, didn't give a shit. And we found a slug once, it wasn't inside, but on the lip of the top of the fridge, on the squidgy bit between the top and the door. So it couldn't get in, but it was waiting there, trying. Desperate, yeah.

On the edge. And Dad's killed it with salt, which is a really disgusting and I imagine deeply unkind way to kill an animal like that. And it goes all yellow and bubbles up like something out of Roger Rabbit in the acid tub like it's real bad gory

and I watched that and felt nothing wow maybe I am the I am the murderous comedian I mentioned at the start no I mean that is dark like that is sick

and I but I felt nothing because I thought I can't I cannot see anything to empathise with in that beast in that particular little

or sometimes massive slimy beast. And the thought of one touching me or being on me, I'd rather die. Would you? I say that as a mother. What experience have you had that has done this to you? I don't know. No, okay.

I mean, I've never been tortured slug torture, but I could never do, like, survive, I'm a celebrity or anything like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Nah. You couldn't do it? Nope. Just in case there were slugs or from the other creepy crawlies? No, it's just slugs.

Just slugs. Oh, actually, I'm really scared of snakes. Right. But I've got a respect for them. What about like a giant African snail or something? I don't know why, but the shell, I mean, it's still repulsive to me, but the shell element is like, at least you've had the decency to cover part of yourself up have so much slugs did you know this before no i've

really surprised myself by how much i've gone to town on this i really am i'm it's i'm there's fear there's repulsion yeah this is like a little window into what it must feel like to be like a racist oh my god do you know what I mean like to someone who has hatred for it it's someone who's like

I cannot I really feel real sick about slugs they've never done anything to you yet you just hate them once

I was in flip flops and I trod on a cold chip in Scotland or like a cold chip right yeah do you know what I mean it was just a chip on the pavement.

I don't know how, but my flip-flop came off whatever, drunk, walking home late at night. And because it felt like what a slug might feel like to stand on, I screamed. Did you? Yeah. And then I feel a bit sick for like an hour. I'm going to feel sick for a while after this podcast.

Do you think so? You talk about slugs so much. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay, I don't want to do this to you. I'm not going to ask too many more questions about slugs because I feel like it is doing you some damage. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I mean, I won't go out of my... I won't hunt slugs down. I don't want any slug... I don't want to get a load of abuse from slug rights activists. I'm not going looking for trouble with slugs. No, okay. I just don't want to get a load of abuse from slug rights activists. I'm not going looking for trouble with slugs. No, okay. I just don't.

Please don't. I'm not going to tell any of them. I mean, there is that time of year where you walk out your house and they're just everywhere. Yeah, yeah. That's horrific. And the September-y, spider-y, rainy, post-summer, they're all out for a drink.

But no one likes touching a slug come on there's probably someone out there that does yes you're right there's someone for everything isn't there okay so slugs are going to be your choice Jessica thank you so much for coming in

hey I've really enjoyed myself I imagine the reason that most people are here is because they know you and they know your podcast already but should they not and want to know about your podcast, could you tell me something? Yeah, sure.

Forget everything you've just heard about slugs because my whole podcast is all about eating. Yeah. Yeah, it's called Hoovering. Check it out. I've had some wicked guests. I've had people like Jack Monroe and James Acaster. And I've got some amazing people lined up as well.

And they go out every week and it's a conversation. But I don't know. I feel like there's a bit more to it than that. I feel like everybody's got interesting opinions and stories when it comes to eating. Yeah. It's kind of all around that really. Yeah. And I think you see a side to people that like, I don't know, people open up in a like a different way.

They do actually i think um in the same way in a similar way to um uh the various programs now including fictional stuff like sitcoms where it's been set with two people in a car the way that people talk when they're in a car it's similar to that the way you talk over food and if it's one-to-one and in a familiar setting especially if normally i go to um whoever i'm talking to's work or home, somewhere they're comfortable on their turf, and it conjures memories if you're asking the right kind of questions about what people eat. It conjures memories that people didn't even know they had,

you know, stuff like that. And not just memories, sometimes real fire opinions. It's funny, but also, I mean, there's so many different people. I've talked to nutritionists and stuff like that. Even amongst i mean there's so many different people i've talked i've talked to nutritionists and stuff like that even amongst them there's loads of different theories i think we've still got so much to learn about how to be good to yourself when it comes to that stuff but there's also there'll be somewhere like we end up talking about the environment a lot there'll be somewhere we talk about disordered eating a lot and there'll be somewhere it's just

funny yeah okay yeah yeah it's quite light but there's no but you like you get to learn about people in a different way and i think yeah it's really interesting for example in the episode with rachel raleigh off the bat she's like i'm a really impatient person and you're just like you're just like oh i just didn't know you know you didn't know that but you'd be able to you know you just wouldn't pick that up she was so lovely you know and she met you i mean my photos didn't really do it justice but she made us the most wicked lunch she's a real sweetheart oh that's nice yeah she's like

I would say like exceptionally lovely person oh that's brilliant like the opposite of like Kanye like there we go just a sweetheart and like how clever is she

yeah that's amazing yeah she's ace oh that's great anyway thanks for being nice about it no no it's great I really enjoy the podcast so people can find that wherever they get their podcasts

obviously and then if they want to find you come to my website it's like jessicafosterq.com and I've got I'm working up a new show now and I will

take it to Edinburgh and I will tour it in the autumn after Edinburgh so from 2019 there'll be loads of previews and stuff listed on there I'm going to do previews at Leicester Festival

Comedy Festival and at in Glasgow in March so Leicester's in February Glasgow in March and then Leicester's in February, Glasgow in March. And then I'm going to be at the MacCuntless Festival in May. Oh, nice. And the Wells Festival at the end of the way as well. Just the lovely ones, please.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, and then probably just loads of previews around London, yeah. Okay, cool. Thank you very much, Jessica. Hey, thanks. Cheers. thanks cheers