Desert Island Dicks - JINKX MONSOON & MAJOR SCALES

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

This week, I'm joined by winner of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 5, Jinkx Monsoon and her musical partner Major Scales. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com. At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible

prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today, I'm very excited to say we have the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race Season

5, Jinx Monsoon, and her musical partner, Major Scales. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello and welcome to The Island. Thank you for having us. Yeah. Where have you come from? I believe you just got off the train or something, right? Yeah, we were in Scarborough last night. Scarborough to the Island.

How was Scarborough last night? It was lovely. It was lovely. Great audience. Was it? A lot of energy. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah.

And then, you know, a lot of drunken yelling at us as we were leaving the theatre from random parts of town. Okay. They did yell at us drunkenly, didn't they? Okay. But good yelling. Good yelling. They were happy to see us.

It was celebratory. Oh, celebratory. What you deserve. Perfect. Brilliant. Okay. Normally what happens here is we dive straight into the island. So who's going to be your first choice?

Well, you know, it's lucky we actually both just flew, so we know what it feels like to be terrified of crash landings. Oh, really? Yeah. I think so. I think when you travel for a living, you think about it the more you fly. Oh, you guys are frequent flyers, right? Well, yeah.

And then I think, you know, if it's going to happen one in a million, I at least have flown a million times. At least a million times. So it's going to happen soon. It's just right around the corner. It feels a million times. So it's going to happen soon. It's just right around the corner. It feels like the more you do it, the more likely. Well, we're upping the odds. Yeah.

It has to be. Okay. Well, so you've crashed on the island. Who's going to be your first choice? The people who walk too abreast on narrow sidewalks or who clog up the escalators or the moving pathways and airports when you know you're walking at a pace and they somehow roadblock you absolutely it's the general idea is that they just have no consciousness about other people existing they must not have gone to acting school and um you and gained that kinesthetic awareness.

But I don't, I have a problem with it because it's so hard for me to say excuse me without it coming out passive aggressive because... What's your best excuse me? See, it already sounds itchy. Excuse me. I can't do it. I was raised in the Northwest.

I mean, yeah, a problem we face every day if we live in the city, right? It's an absolute nightmare. I mean, is there a solution or is that it? I think you just have, I think you really, like New Yorkers, people with, or cities with people who are more forward. They have it right.

Just go. Yeah. Push past them if you need to. Be nice about it, but you've got to get to where you're going. I like to use – like especially on busy sidewalks, if you're a frequent goer of gay clubs, you may know the – Frequent goer of gay clubs. If you know what I mean. If you're often at clubs, you know how to push past people.

It's a gentle arm in front. The shouldering technique where you're basically rolling past them. You're kind of, you know, being... It's kind of like a nice touch, but also get out of the way. This makes sense to any goers of gay clubs. Yes, you know the goers of gay clubs. Okay, now you're on my list for people in the island because you said goers of gay clubs. Goers of gay clubs. Okay, now you're on my list for people in the island because you said goers of gay clubs.

Goers of gay clubs. What's the correct term? Oh, I don't know. Denizens of the nightlife. Oh, okay. There you go. Right, okay. Both good band names.

Yeah, they are. Very nice. Okay, yes, those. Those narrow sidewalk walkers, absolutely, and they go on the island. Thank you so much. And who's going to be second choice? For me, one of my top choices we encountered today on public transit. Oh, please do. Where were you?

We were on the train from Scarborough. Oh, from Scarborough, okay. And this was a person who sitting behind us on the train humming to herself no particular tune, just sort of random notes. No discernible melody. For the entire, you know, hour and a half. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm, mm. Oh my god. No. Just the entire. It's not nourish. And at the very end of the train ride, the humming stopped and she was just going, take me with you. Oh, I want to go.

What song is that? Nothing. It was nothing. It was nothing. Wow. It was not a thing. That is so annoying. I would have rather her hum the same like four bars to an existing song the entire time on a loop than just making up this nonsensical.

How long is the train? It's an hour and a half. Hour 45. It was not short. That's painful, isn't it? Oh, my God. Is that exactly how it sounded? Holy

I have Experienced this before I remember a very recent experience Of hearing someone do this on the bus But it was only me And them on the bus So imagine You're on a night bus

You're on your way home And it's me and someone sat down the way. I can't see their face and they're just humming away to themselves. That's the start of a horror movie, right? I'm going to one-up you if I may. Go on, please. With another humming story. Oh, I'd love to.

One of the last tours we were on, waiting for a slow elevator with an older couple. One of them was humming to themselves as we wait, and that was fine. We get onto the elevator. It's very small, just the three of us, and she continues to hum. Then he's humming. They're not humming the same songs. Oh, no.

They're both different songs. No. And so it feels like the sound's building behind me, and I'm there thinking, well, who's going to come at me first? You thought this was end of days. Yeah. Oh, wow. Terrifying.

Okay. Go, please. I was just going to say my next island person. Oh, please dive in. I just can't wait to talk about this. Yeah, tell me more. But it also makes me seem kind of like trash because I have to admit how frequently I go to Subway sandwich shops. And to be fair, you do tend to get upset at people in line with you in general.

I just hate lines. I think it's the most bourgeois thing about me, probably because I'm a frequent flyer. You know, I never have to wait in line. So then I go to a diamond subway sandwich shop with my pretentious ass and um but i always get stuck behind someone who's never been to a subway sandwich shop oh yeah and can't intuit anything about it and so they sit there and they go well what's on the turkey sandwich no well it comes with whatever you want on it okay well what if i got the turkey sandwich what would come with it oh can i have this but could i also have this yes you can have that at a certain point

how are you whatever age you are and you've never eaten at a subway sandwich shop yes oh my god and i think in a similar vein, for me, it's been Starbucks people who don't know what a Starbucks is. Oh, and what's in the latte? Oh, and they have to pour over the list. Just get your coffee. Just get your coffee.

The people who go up to... I want to spend as little time as possible in here. Ice cream counters and go, well, what's the chocolate one taste like? What does it taste like? Chocolate! How have you made it this far in life? Yeah, I know.

Oh, my God. What's your Subway order? Oh, God, don't make me say it. Go on, please. Don't make me say it. Probably, I normally get, like, you know, chicken breast and pepperoni if I'm feeling festive, jalapeno, lettuce, tomato, red onion. And in the UK, I also get sweet corn because that's not an option in the States.

Oh, why? We don't put corn in our sandwiches for some reason. Okay. I don't know really why you do put corn in your sandwiches so often, but it makes sense to me in tuna salad, I guess. How often are you going to the subway? Oh, don't answer that question. Please, I'm not going to. It's just a very convenient lunch when you don't have a lot of time between your nap and your opening night.

When you're on the road. I was not throwing blame then. No, you couldn't know. When you're on the road, you know, and you're going two hour drive from one city to the other. And the only things you have are the service stations in between. Sometimes Subway is the best offer. I mean, if it's between Subway and Burger King, then, you know, what's the healthier option? Yeah, for sure.

It's all trash food anyway. We're all going to die. Look, this is about lines, what's the healthier option? Yeah, for sure. It's all trash food anyway. We're all going to die. Look, this is about lines, not about Subway. I'm sorry. Apologies. Let's not attack Subway. Okay, people, look, if you get in a line, you know what you want. You want a sandwich or you want

a coffee. Yeah, I say don't get in line until you know the order. Stand to the side. Get in line when you know what you stand to the side yeah get in line when you know what you're doing have that the reason why i think i i mean it's my fault i hate lines so much because i want to spend as little time doing anything other than laying down watching tv as possible so i you know like i factor out my day like if i have to be at the theater by 4, I can leave the flat by 3.25, stop at the subway, and it's normally a quick enough thing that I can grab my sandwich, get to the theater, eat it real quick

before I have to become a lady and do my show that night. So anyone who throws off my meticulously planned schedule that has allowed me to stay in bed until 3 p.m., I'm furious at them. They should know better. Look, you need all your energy for that show, right? All that chicken and pepperoni energy. Hey, mine's turkey and bacon with chipotle sauce.

I'm no better. Apologies, I didn't ask you. No, no. You were holding that back. Nice to'm no better apologies i didn't ask you that no no okay you were holding that back nice to be no sorry okay people in line great thank you so much okay now mercifully among the wreckages of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad um what first food or drink it would be food it would be um canned green beans okay how often are you encountering canned green beans well no i was uh they were just always forced upon me as a child and they're just vile. I only recently was able to eat fresh green beans,

you know, like well-prepared green beans, but they possess just enough of the essential flavor of the canned green beans that it all comes flooding back to me as some kind of unconscious Proustian memory. It's a trend. Remembrance of greens past. Reminds me of my childhood

being forced to eat those terrible things. Oh my god. I'm not against all canned food but canned green beans is sent from the devil. I don't think I've eaten a canned green since childhood. For me. I did eat them as a kid

but I think it's like a money saving. Yeah, we were raised by single mothers and frugal grandparents. Totally, yeah. And, you know, I try to be sensible. I mean, we have so much more knowledge about our food than our previous generations did, I think, which is why we're probably not using as much canned food. But also, how privileged do we sound right now?

We're like, I've cut out tens for my diet. All that tin. There you go. Look, there's a lot of options nowadays. You don't need to have that anymore. I have that specific flavour in my mouth, as you say it. Because I can remember being at my grandma's house on a sunday having a sunday dinner and like that flavor of those greens you can see them coming out yeah

the brine oh my god i'm sorry it's so gross juice just bean juice okay those bad greens i get that you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. I don't know why. I haven't taken an airplane in so long. Why is everyone having grapefruit juice? Like tomato juice.

And I don't think people drink those juices except for on airplanes because they're an option. There's something about airplanes. Yeah. I mean, airplanes, I don't know if you've ever had this soda in the UK, but there's a soda called Fresca that is completely extinct in the States. I don't know when it was popular, but they still serve it on airplanes. There's never a 7-Up, it's always a Fresca. Why do they even do that anymore?

I don't know. And it's just ridiculous because you can't find it literally anywhere else in the world except for on airplanes. And then I think because it's like this rare jewel of the airplanes, everyone's like, oh, it's like this rare jewel of the airplanes people treat it like oh it's my chance to get a fresca oh my god what's the flavor it's like lemon lime it's kind of grapefruity as well yeah it's just a generic citrus flavor it's it's like seven up it's like 7-Up. It's sparkling. It's like carbonated. Okay, cool. Wow.

Grapefruit juice. Is that a thing? Oh, yes. Is it? It's vile. Well, it's supposed to be, I don't know, healthy, but as healthy as any fruit juice is. I think they're all just sugar water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. All our food is just chemicals and sugar, people. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Okay. Um, but you're getting that on airplanes. What was that?

You're getting that on airplanes. Yes. And, and my food actually goes along with that because my food is any airplane food period. Uh, specifically the meals that you're served on them. And, uh,

they're, they're all just... I can see you having a bad... I'm feeling it as it's coming up. I was offered pasta this last trip and you know, I'm sure there are flights that have good food. I've had good air food. Excellent.

Flights within the US, not so much. You've got to know what to order. I was reading. When you're up at such a high altitude, you can't taste as well as you can at normal altitude. So they have to add more salt to the food for you to be able to taste it more. Interesting. So there's much more sodium, and that's all I can taste with any food.

Yeah. Okay, now you just think, how was the pasta? It was just bloat food. I ate it and it felt like a fat asshole. Oh my God. That's fucking hell. Guys, I'm so sorry.

Okay, food, I think we're done. Have you got a drink choice too? Well, I do have a drink choice You maybe don't want to hear it You know, we all get to a certain age Where, you know, we need to We need certain nutrients And I, you know, have gotten to a point

Where I like a fibre supplement In my day-to-day life And they're they sell fiber powder that you can mix with your drinks. It just sounds like these 90 years old boys doing this to themselves. And it's very, very convenient. It's very convenient to just get a little fiber supplement in your day. Stupid, why are you doing this? But the taste of fiber powder in water is probably one of the worst things I've ever had.

That's why you mix it with orange juice. Yeah, but orange juice, that's the sugar water again. Oh my God. So in trying to be healthy, I've inflicted upon myself one of the worst tasting beverages. That I now drink almost every day. Damn. Hey, come see our show, kids. Oh my God.

Major's going to mix up some fiber drink for all of you. Some fiber drink. Oh, my God. It's so good. Cheeks complains about the quality of cancer. And they both sit in their rocking chairs. You know how to stay hip with the kids. You guys did this.

All I did was ask the questions it's true we are revealing more about ourselves than we need to I feel like I like this okay

well thank you both very much and fortunately you won't be without entertainment here we go entertainment right

you won't be without entertainment on the island the plane's entertainment continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song.

Which one? Who first? Go on. Okay, well, I think we heard some of our least favourite songs playing on the cab ride here. I think any top 40 is the worst thing I've heard, but that's just because I'm an old fuddy-duddy. Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One of my generally least favorite songs, and this is hard because it's also close to one of my favorite things, is the song I Had the Time of My Life, which you may recognize from the movie Dirty Dancing. Yeah, yeah. Because it is the most schmaltzy sounding number but also the movie dirty dancing is amazing and the number that uh they dance to and that is amazing so it i'm really

torn because the moment i hear those first opening i'm like sickened oh also thinking about how great that movie is really yeah go please I cannot stand like 80s butt rock like jock jams bro rock oh yeah or like journey or I don't even know if I can

pinpoint a song just like anything from here I go again oh my god if I can pinpoint a song, just like anything from Here I go again Oh my God. Yeah. To That was a nice tune. What was the one

I was singing earlier? I don't know. Was it Someday love will find you Oh my God. This one's not from the 80s. Go on, Scott. It's coming to mind.

I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to fall asleep because I miss you, babe. And I don't want to miss a thing. I think it's usually straight men emoting too much. Yeah. When they're talking like this. And it gets so hard to express my feelings, babe. Then I push it out.

It comes from an unnatural place where I don't have muscles. I'm still masculine even though I'm opening up. I think that's exactly what they're saying. Oh my God. Anything that sounds like that. Imagine that for the rest of're saying. Oh, my God. Anything that sounds like that. Imagine that for the rest of your life. Yeah, okay. Song choice.

Yes. Thank you so much, Ed Phil. Yes. Do you know yours? Oh, gosh. I think it's a toss-up between the film Monster-in-Law. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Or Mamma Mia 2. Yeah. Both deeply. Here we go again. I haven't watched all of Mamma Mia 2. I was on a cruise, and it was just being played the last night on the cruise. I think I'd rather die. Better go on.

My friend Christopher was like, let's go see it. And he was so excited because of this one Meryl Streep scene, but she's not in it. She's not in the film at all. I don't know. We didn't make it that far. He wanted me to wait. The ghost is in it at the end. He wanted me to wait till the end to see Meryl Streep's scene.

I just couldn't. I couldn't. I like to imagine that they're all, I haven't seen it either, but I like to imagine there's a scene at the end where they're all dancing and it pulls up to the moon and then you see her image and she looks down knowingly and smiles. That's how you do it.

I can't even pinpoint why it was so horrific to me. I have a question for you. I think that surely they burnt up all the good songs in the first one, right? ABBA has a huge library of music and lots of amazing stuff. That being said, how does Waterloo fit into the plot? I know, I know, yeah.

But also, like, okay, stop me if I'm wrong, but ABBA Gold, 19. Those are the best ones, right? ABBA Gold. Is 19 the best ones, right? Abba Gold. Is 19 the best? It's their best songs and there's so many of them. And you think surely there can't be this many top charting songs by one band, but there are. They're so good.

But then are there more? Yes, there are. I mean, the song The Visitors is amazing and was not popular at all when it came out. They just have so many hits. That's all. My reasoning for Monster-in-Law, though, is that I think it's one of the... Okay, so if you're a huge Jennifer Lopez fan... I know the biggest Jennifer Lopez fan.

I have no qualms with her. I think she's living her best life. She's always seemed like a very nice person. But in every movie she's in, it's like there's a clause in her contract that says her character can have zero flaws.

She must be the most perfect, selfless, morally upright, ethical, but also progressive, and liberal, and open- ethical, but also progressive, liberal and open minded and free spirited. She has all these lines where she's like, I like working as a temp. I just don't want to be nailed down. I love new experiences. We're going to have a non-denominational wedding.

And somehow, even though that's something I believe in, somehow coming from this character, I'm like, oh, you shut up. And meanwhile, Jane Fonda is just like the evil queen in that movie. And it's like, I think J-Lo or her agent or someone is saying, like, if you do a character that has flaws, people will think that you, J-Lo, has flaws. It's like, we couldn't have anyone thinking that j-lo is a human being terrible but don't be fooled she's still jenny from the plot oh my god i was working in a cinema yeah and like that movie had just come out and then i was sat at the back of the cinema and one of the jobs was you had to sit at the back of the cinema and watch what was going on

to make sure no one was like throwing popcorn or making out or anything. And that was the film, right? And I think I may have seen it best part of 20 times. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Awful from start to finish. Isn't it? Terrible. What a waste of money. You could have made so much more. You could have done better. That money, you could have donated that money to charity. Yeah, exactly. The money

put into that film. Oh gosh, I can't even remember. Oh no, I'm thinking of this other film that I watched once because sometimes you watch a film and it's like you get too far into it and you're like i've already sacrificed this much of my life now i have to see it through to the end have no idea what it's called but it's stars

jennifer anderson and jennifer aniston and um adam sandler it's about them pretending to be married but then they actually fall in love yes it. It's one of the worst. I cannot believe it ever got made. I don't understand how it got made. Adam Sandler made two good films. He made Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. And that was it. Well, Wedding Singer. Okay, you're right.

Wedding Singer was a turning point for me. And then after that, it was just like, hey, show me the money and then show me the script. Right? Oh, yeah, yeah. He was in a movie called Click. Yes, I remember Click. And it was about a remote that changed his life.

And it was like, holy moly. What about Jack and Jill? I never even watched that one. Now, that is the depths. That is badass. That is terrible. I never saw Little Nicky, but I've always meant to. I actually didn't mind it.

Oh my God, how sad is that? That was some good jokes. But yeah, I've just shown my hand. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I know this from experience having grown up with them, living wild around my my house as a kid um peacocks peacock yes now you may now you may be saying to yourself why major

why peacocks they're they're beautiful um that's exactly what i'm saying to myself yeah uh beautiful animals they are the noisiest assholes yeah um if you've ever i can't make the noise. I can't. Go on, please. I spent my summers on my grandpa's ranch and there was a peacock breeder down the road. Especially when they're in heat. They go like this.

Help! Help! Do that? Help! It sounds like they're screaming for help. They sound like people screaming for help from outside, and you'll be terrified thinking, who's attacking a friend of mine?

Also, surprisingly, they live in trees. What? You wouldn't think they could, but they nest in trees. So you don't see anything around you. You just hear this terrifying noise from the trees. They live in trees? Mm-hmm. What the fuck?

Do they live in nests? I think. They're birds? Yeah, they must. They probably have to be a big nest. That I didn't see. Okay, cool. I just know they were in trees, screaming for help, waking you up. How can something so beautiful sound so bad?

Well, insert celebrity joke here. I don't know. Insert joke about modern music. Insert top 40 joke. Yes. As previously discussed on this podcast. I think the animal of my choice would be probably goats. They're little assholes.

Goats, I mean, they need us. They treat us like we should be so lucky as to tend to their needs. Were you slighted by a goat? Again, I spent my summers on my grandpa's ranch, and there were some goats that just really bullied me. They were bully goats. Oh my God, that's so good. Oh, geese are assholes too.

One time I was eating a cupcake or something in a park and just a flock of geese just attacked me. Geese are assholes. Yes. What a nightmare. What's the plural of geese? I always thought it was guy. But I think it's geese. A goose. A goose. Yes. What a nightmare. What's the plural of geese? I always thought it was guy. But I think it's geese. A goose.

A goose. A geese. Geeses. Geeses? Like, yeah. No, that's fine. Jinx wants to. Gaggle of geese.

Major scales. It has been a pleasure. Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you so much. Thanks for letting us spend. I've been waiting for this to happen for so long. It's been lovely. Did it live up to your expectations?

It absolutely has. Was Was it good for you? Was the climax worth it? Hey, so you're in the country. You're in the UK right now. Where are you going next? What are you doing? What's the plan? Well, we'll be here until April 10th.

We're doing a lot of shows here in London at the Leicester Square Theatre. Then we're going to Manchester for three days. We're going to Newcastle, other cities, I'm sure. We're going to Dublin, Ireland. Oh, lovely. You can find all of this information on the Soho Theatre website. And then we'll be back in May in London and Manchester

doing a show called Drag Becomes Her, which is a drag parody of the movie Death Becomes Her. And it stars myself and Binda LeCrem as well as Peaches Christ in major scales. Thank you so much for coming on. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you. Bye.