Desert Island Dicks - JO CAULFIELD

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Stand-up comedian and writer Jo Caulfield joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode, we've got writer and comedian Joe Caulfield, who is brilliant, but don't just take my word for it, have a listen yourself once I've finished this bit. The reason I've popped up here is just to ask that if you enjoy this podcast to please subscribe and give us a little rating where you get your podcasts, because we're massively insecure and it makes us feel wanted. Plus, it means you'll never miss an episode, so it's good.

And now, on with the show. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Joe Caulfield. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and writer Jo Caulfield. Hello. Hello. How are you doing? I'm really good. I'm enjoying lockdown because I feel it's sort of, in a way, slightly my ideal way of living you know I have

minimum contact but I'm sociable enough and I can get drunk on zoom and then just go upstairs to bed yeah yeah I feel like I'm handling it better than a lot of people I mean not as a brag I just makes me realize I'm maybe more antisocial than I realized I was quite surprised how I'm like I'm fine you know a lot of people like how are you coping and I have to play down the fact that I'm really enjoying it I'm also enjoying that I'm not traveling because living in Scotland I'm nearly I travel every week to go to London or Manchester or something so I'm really enjoying that I'm at home and bizarrely we've had freak fantastic weather so I've been in the garden and doing different things with your brain as well and sort of learning how to do stuff and so weirdly I'm like I could do

do another month yeah yeah yeah I think I could so you're in a positive frame of mind does that mean they found it easy or hard to pick your choices for the island well surprisingly I found it difficult because I think my dislikes are so irrational and I so like in stand-up I don't back them up at all I just say I hate this person and that sort of part of my thing is that I don't have to explain to you my or I'll give a reason. But people know it's an unreasonable reason. So this I felt like, oh, I can't do that. I have to really think about why I wouldn't want these people or this music or ever. So at first I found it quite hard because I was like sort of stamping my feet going,

why should I have to justify what I believe in or what I think about stuff? OK, well, well, let's get straight into it then who's going to be your first choice for the island? My first choice is David Bowie. Wow okay. Now I am a massive David Bowie fan. Yeah me too. Let me say that I love David bowie's music i think he was fantastic and so influential and blah blah blah but i think what would be terrible about having him on an island is that thing that david bowie did which he would do something really really well and then he would just go right i'm leaving that i'm now going to reinvent myself and do something completely different and I think to have that sort of person on an island would just be infuriating like you know we might have built

something taken us ages and we finally got a good shelter you know maybe I was thinking of a lean-to but it's against a cliff so we've got a solid side so we're all quite happy with it and then David Bowie would just on a whim one day would be, I don't know, I think I've been looking at rabbits and they live underground. Maybe we could like burrow underground. Let's do that. And you'd be like, no, stop it, David. Stop having ideas.

Yeah, yeah. And getting a bit conceptual with things now and again. Yeah, there'd be things like, you know, like maybe we have to collect firewood again. And he might go, you know, we're all quite happy. It's an easy thing to do to collect the firewood. But Dave would be, what about just to see how it feels we collect every other piece of wood that we see and then we reject any piece of wood

that aren't the same size as the other pieces of wood yeah and what would be the reason for that david just to see well that's not good enough we're just going to collect the firewood as we were before yeah when i was working with brian eno he had this great idea which is like you know you reject the normal and you go yeah yeah but david we have to eat this fish that we've caught we're not going to like put it in a tree just to see what happened yeah yeah this is this is true so when you first said David Bowie I was terrified because I love David Bowie so much and I'm pretty good at sort of being a kind of anti-devils advocate on this on this podcast and sort of generally weighing in with whatever people choose and I thought god I'm not going to be able to do this if it's like a real problem and my other worry that it was that you were going to come out with

something i didn't know about him something abhorrent that he had done and i was like oh no so this this i can totally get on board with so i'm very relieved but yeah i think that is the side of him i think would be tricky to to live with actually and he's not always right is he like something like with looks like to me I'm like station to station thin white duke that look fantastic uh young Americans that was a look that was great you know that's the look that you look great in that that's what you should wear and then next thing you know you're going oh my god you're in like a pierrot costume on ashes to ashes that was not better you've gone backwards you know just so you know it's like

you don't always have to trust him he doesn't always know best that's very true yeah and i think that um i mean although i don't know at times he's probably being involved in some quite edgy scenes i think when it comes to getting rolling your sleeves up and getting stuck into some sort of nitty gritty labor he's not going to be great i mean he is very thin or was you know he's not going to be that physical i don't think no i think he'd be quite quite weak to have around in the camp i think he would wouldn't be averse to it i don't think this sort of person would go oh i'm an artist like because i think he was quite down to earth-earth person, really, and I think he would want to get involved, but you'd be just like, no, you lie down in the shade for a little while, David,

because you're looking very peaky. Yeah, and he'd need a lot of shade as well, wouldn't he? He's got that kind of skin, it's too sort of milky white. Yeah, too white, yeah, yeah, I think, and I think you sort of look after him a bit and then just try and stop him having ideas, really. Yeah. Also, I think, you know, as much as I love him, being one of the most famous people in the world for decades is going to skew your personality. I mean, most interviews you hear or people who have met him, when you hear people talking about him, people say that he was a very nice, down-to-earth guy. But that's probably, I mean, if you're with him for a long time and no one's doing stuff for him i mean he probably does have quite a few assistants and things like that yeah i don't know it it wasn't quite you know principled like there was um somebody put it on facebook the other day the um interview he did with someone on mtv and it was i think it was 1987 which was really

shocking how late it was and he was asking them and he did it so well basically you don't have black artists on here and um and he did it that fantastic way which i could never do where he didn't lose his temper at all he just was like really reasonable but the look he gave and the look he gave to camera when the guy, you know, came up with his crackpot reason for why they don't have black artists on was like so telling. And just, you know, I think he was a decent person in that way. Yeah. But then there is all that stories about how, you know, nobody ever got paid and he took all the money and stuff. So I'd have to watch him like when we're dishing out food and things and i can't have david going well i thought

to get sticks no that's not an original idea we all thought to get sticks you can't go oh but i was the one and if i hadn't been here you wouldn't have thought of sticks no we would we would have got sticks for firewood that's not your idea and i think he could just get sort of caught up in doing his own creative things on one side of the island and he simply couldn't leave that project once he'd got started in it you know so sort of sort of making his own music on one corner that was interesting you know like david bowie's take on his own world music but you know really you just need to build shelter and get food yeah and sometimes you might go oh just leave him it's really not worth the hassle of him coming to help because it won't be a help so you go let him as long as he's you know

keep him far away but then you've lost a team member you see he's not a useful member yeah yeah i think it's chameleon nature on an island would only be a burden um so i think that's a very good choice and i'm also incredibly relieved. Okay. Who would be your second choice? My second choice is, it's more a kind of type of people, people who talk at you. You know, those sort of people that are always on transmit. And I'm always kind of slightly fascinated by them, their complete lack of self-awareness,

how they, you know, you could do a car journey with them and they would talk about themselves the entire time and not for a moment think that you might have something to say or that you might not want to talk about them. And they're the sort of people that also, if they've read a book or they've seen a film or something, they have to tell you about it. They have to tell you absolutely everything about it. you know i might go oh do you know what i studied the unification of germany i didn't but i might have done but yeah but they would never think that they'll just go i've read this so i'm going to tell you all about it and it's really boring yeah they're boring and they don't know they're boring because they think that facts are always interesting where often facts depend on who's telling you

the facts i quite i like facts to read yeah but it's and i i know he is the nation's sweetheart but when stephen fry was on qi it was the sort of ponderous pompous way he would do it when he would say and do you know because he'd always ask it and do you know why the anteater eats its own young and I'd be there going oh fucking shut up no I don't and I don't want to know and to be fair neither did he before the recording and the researchers had told him why as well yeah and I and but it was a slow way of like oh god this isn't like it's not and I would imagine him doing a dinner party and, God, this isn't like... And I would imagine him doing it at a dinner party and you're like, this isn't conversation, this is just you telling me stuff that I don't want to know

and it makes me kind of want to hit my head against a wall. Yeah, yeah. And I think having those sort of people as well, it's that thing of, I've just done it then because I'll cut you off. Not at all. Where I think I would like to have some sort of, some sort of anecdote test on the island for people who are allowed to talk a lot

and people who aren't. You have to be able to tell a story and stories aren't about, you know, some people think, oh, well, I did this really amazing, interesting thing, can still be dull you know it's like people who've traveled the world and you go oh fuck you're still dull though aren't you yeah absolutely well it's like people like steve lemac prove very well that a

passion for a subject doesn't necessarily translate into something interesting you know yes every time i turn him on he's just banging on about you know for 20 minutes so yeah i remember i saw that band at the nottingham corn exchange way back and i don't care and i know you've seen every band steve put on a song you're so dull why are you still here yeah and we don't care where you saw them you know and sometimes even when something amazing will have happened at that gig and you go it's still, it's a secondhand thing. That's the other thing, people who tell, people do this actually funny,

particularly I think in rock music, people who are really into music tell secondhand stories. And I'm like, but you weren't in Led Zeppelin. This didn't happen to you. I could have read, I've read this in a book as well, but they say it as like, oh, did you, you know, and you'll go, but it didn't happen to you. They sort of take it on as though it happened to them i mean there's some people i've found who go a sort

of a level past that where i know someone who manages to tell anecdotes that i was involved in but he embellishes it to such an extent but you can't sort of cut him off in the middle because he'll be like yeah i remember that i don't think you were there okay i can't say that in front of everyone and you were saying this and I was like, wow. And you think there's too many people here to tell everyone that I'm not even sure if you were there and this isn't how it went down. And you end up having to sort of go along with it as well.

It's like a sort of, I don't know. Yeah, because we're normal people and we sort of think about other people's feelings, but that's so insane. What you're saying that your friend would do and i've known people do that as well and you go it's almost sociopathic that they can do that in front of you but they sort of i don't think they do think about whether you can out them about it i think they just whether they actually think oh no i was there and this is what happened i don't know yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it is weird.

I have a friend who says things that I've said. I've had that before, yeah. It's weird, isn't it? And you've had to go, oh, that's interesting. And it was interesting when I told you that. But you can't say anything, can you? I'm just open mouth going, oh, my God, yeah. I am interested in that, like you say,

because I said I was interested then. It's weird. But you can't ever tell them that, can you i mean on an island as well that's going to be very difficult as well it's going to be so annoying and you know there's people who tell stories um with too much detail yeah yeah i have a friend and all the time you want to go i don't need to know that come on and this because they know they do it i will actually speed them up and we have that sort of relationship we can go no stop it come on move along move along i don't need to know that come on and this because they know they do it I will actually speed them up and we have that sort of relationship where you can go no stop it come on move along move along I don't need to know about that let's get to what is the story about and and get on with it but can you imagine that if you've got someone and you just and they go oh my god they're going to tell

me sometimes you can you like the dread of it is like oh they're coming towards me they're going to tell me a story oh my god you'd have to be, look, can you go and go? You go over there with David Bowie. He's digging a hole. Why don't you go over there and tell David your story? But then he'll come back and he'll be telling David Bowie's stories back to you as if it was them. You know, go, oh, I remember.

This reminds me of when me and Lou Reed were just hanging out in Berlin. We had all this smack. Yeah. That was David Bowie. So not you. There's a part of me wondering that if my friends hear this episode,

they'll be texting me to say, pot calling the kettle black, because I do think there's a part of me that does this as well, but I also recognise it's an abhorrent trait. Yeah. So let's put this of me that does this as well, but I also recognise it's an abhorrent trait. So, yeah. So let's put this person on the island this time. Because these people do it sober.

I think, I mean, I'm a terrible one for if I have a drink that I will, and my husband will say, you just talk over everybody. But I have a group of girlfriends and we all do it. So we don't think it's rude. We're like, no, we're really excited. We all want to talk at the same time. And we accept that.

But people who do it just all the time, stone cold sober, without thinking that somebody else might want to speak or that even sometimes they even say, oh, am I boring you with that, with this? And they'll tell you something, go, oh, sometimes you might go yes, but most of the time you're going, well, I can't really say yes, I am. But look at my face. Look at my face. I'm so bored. So they sort of know they're boring you, but they can't stop themselves. It's like the Van Morrison song. Have I told you lately that I love you? It's like, well, if you have to ask, probably not. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you're the most sensitive man. Yes. Fair enough. So this is shaping up to be a good island already. And who will be your third uh guest joining them well uh my third guest is nadine doris mp um but she would be joined by a

whole pack of them i think i just picked her because i i sort of find her the most um pointless as an mp in that i think she doesn't even really try to make out that she's remotely interested in helping people or in looking after her constituents. She's so clearly out for what she can get. And, you know, a drop of a hat, she's off to do a reality series and get some more publicity for herself. But I would say Esther McVeigh is another one. There's just sort of evil and cold and Priti Patel, Grant Shapps, I can't stand him. And that one who's come out recently, Robert Jenrick, you go, that seems very immoral, the housing minister. I think we've got a whole terrible crop of them.

And then, but even worse than them, I think are the likes of Jacob Rees-Mogg and David Cameron. Because they seem to be above politics completely, just living their lives. And for David Cameron, because I think because everything had gone his way all his life. So he couldn't have imagined that he would have lost that Brexit vote. So he never thought about it because everything always worked for him. And then to lose it and then just leave. Yeah. And then to lose it and then just leave. Yeah. And not kill yourself.

Just carry on living your fabulous life. It's disgusting. Yeah. I mean, there was that. He had his microphone left on after he sort of resigned. And he just sort of walked off humming, going, oh, well, that was a shame. I'll build a nice shed and write a book for a couple of years. Yeah.

On the microphone, it actually caught him saying, why should I clear up the mess? Yeah. Well, you made it. Yeah. You're the bull in the china shop. Yeah. And I think, anytime I've met MPs as well,

and I've met quite a few Labour ones, and sadly I don't find them much better, they're such egomaniacs. And also, they're always surrounded by, you know, starry eyes of interns and researchers who absolutely worship them and they love that world of politics it's quite a small world and it's very like a school and they kind of all run around and get things for them and they start to very quickly i think they change and start to believe they're some sort of god and lose touch with reality and think and think there's something special rather than they work for us i don't think any of them think

they work for us no i think it's interesting so the sort of the camerons and the reese moggs and the boris johnsons of the world i said like part of me and this isn't letting them off the hook because i can't stand them but part of me is thinking they're so ingrained in this I'm going to be in charge of everything sort of thing it's almost less of their fault than the sort of the new breed who sort of sign up to it wanting to be like that like if you're David do you know what I mean like not saying that's any better for not understanding how the real world is or anything but if you've sort of experienced the real world and still end up like that, it's like,

I mean, that's really weird, isn't it? I mean, at least you could sort of say they've been so isolated from it. Yeah, I think there are, yeah, I think there are, yeah, there are two types. I think the Esther McVeigh's and the Dean Doris, they're the ones who want to be in the Cameron world, don't they?

They didn't grow up like that. Yeah, it's like being an evil genius as an aspirational kind of occupation. Yes, and they're quite happy to be the pawn of the evil genius. They will do whatever, ever dirty work. Priti Patel's like that. She'll go out and say anything. She doesn't care because she's in the kingdom, isn't she?

She's up there with the big boys. So I think it's that, yeah, and the David Camerons, it's a bit like I once did a gig at a public school, Uppingham Public School, weirdly, where Stephen Fry went. And they have a theatre and everything. And the people, and it was a gig open to the public, but the people looking after us and showing us around were the sixth formers. And they were quite intimidating because they were so ready to rule the world. They were incredibly confident young people, most of whom's parents lived abroad and things. So you were like, oh, you're also damaged because you've been at boarding school.

But, you know, so they've sort of emotionally there's something wrong with them. Yeah. But they were completely like, you know, and I'll do this, go to and then uh be marvelously successful and it'll all go well yeah yeah yeah there was uh years ago there was a documentary on uh the house of house of commons and david cameron was in it and he was showing people around and at one point he was saying oh you know it's lovely in this room it's like a sort of wonderful old library or something and and i sort of thought, well, if you're used to being in libraries that look like the grandest room I've ever seen, you've already got such an advantage because you just feel at home

because this is just like your school was. So it already feels normal, whereas other people are going to be on the back foot just from being in a building like that. Whereas to you, it's just everywhere you've ever been has looked the same. You're completely at home. Yeah, I think that's exactly it yeah house of commons does look exactly like their public schools and like you say like most libraries now the main thing you notice is oh there's hardly any books you know they're mostly about sort of community services and you know

helping people and you know they're not remotely like what he thinks a library is like and there's also something so i went to i got um to 10 10 downing street uh when gordon brown was prime minister they were doing a literacy campaign and it was a terrible idea and they wanted comics in this little film and we all had to read a write uh something from a book and i remember being absolutely outraged because they wanted me to dress up because you had to dress up like the cover of the book. And they wanted me to read from the book Emmanuel. And it's that cover where there's that very 70s wicker chair. And I think she's in a corset or something.

So I said, I'm absolutely not wearing that. And also, why would I choose to read Emmanuel of all the books that are? Why would I choose that? And then I think to be spiteful they went well will you read Jane Austen I went yeah I'm happy to read Jane Austen so then I then they got me this horrible like high neck frilly blouse and all my hair was pulled back and I thought well obviously that'll make her happy you know she looks awful and uh reading from Jane Austen so anyway so then we'll go to there and um what surprised me was how low tech it was because so gordon brown comes in and i thought they would show the film or something but it was just in a room that was a bit like the sort of tea room in a

slightly shitty county hotel um with a bad carpet and we all stood there, and there was wine, and then he came in, and then what was odd was that then it felt like a court, like a royal court from, you know, centuries ago, where he walks down, and there's someone next to him saying who you are, but what is so ludicrous is that I'm right in front of Gordon Brown, and the person who's telling him, I can hear her talking. So why don't you just introduce me? I know he doesn't know who I am. So just go, oh, Mr. Brown, this is Jo Caulfield. She's a comedian. Don't whisper in his ear. This is Jo Caulfield. She's a comedian. And then he goes, oh, hello. He's half deaf and blind. So he doesn't hear your name anyway and just goes, hello but i thought why are you pretending that i can't hear you telling him it's so so like an mp thing that it's completely fake

just go oh you won't know who she is i'll tell you it's such a bizarre baffling world isn't it and yeah i mean you need to watch the prime minister's question times i mean that's probably the best thing about the pandemic is that it's quietened down Prime Minister's questions a little bit. You know, there's none of the sort of booing and jeering and all of that sort of horrible thing, which I just think is every time I watch that, I just feel embarrassed to be British. You know, you should kind of think, oh, look at look at our history and this marvellous old building. But it just makes me want to I don't know, it's just embarrassing. Yeah, just full of these idiots going you know about things

that are serious i think that's why i think yeah it's fun for you you all think it's fun but for us it's our lives and it and it's serious so i and even like i'm really still angry at ed milliband for uh not it's the it's the hubris isn isn't it, of not realising, no self-awareness, of not realising you're not a leader. If you were smart, you would have known that. But you didn't. You couldn't resist. They can't resist it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, there's definitely a crossover point where the sort of hype gets involved and it doesn't matter how good your intentions are. Yeah. At some point, you just have this sort of stubbornness and you kind of just aim for the prize over everything and and i suppose maybe it's just because everyone around you is pushing you so hard to get to that prize you kind of go god yeah it's like i'm on the x factor i've got to do this this is the goal you know and you forget about what what is actually happening yeah i think yeah that probably is exactly like the x factor somebody told me about someone who'd gone,

you know, all those terrible people that go on the X Factor and you think, how did you go on? And they said, before the terrible ones go in front of Simon Cowell, they're seen by so many researchers who keep telling them they're good. So they believe they're good. And I think that's probably what happened with Ed Miliband and everybody as well. There's all those people going, oh, no, you were great. You can do it. You know, just don't eat a bacon sandwich and you'll be fine.

And I know that's sort of stupid, but I can't. And even I suppose I can't think of any that like the only one who's like, and I was going, I can't believe that Ken Clark is my new hero because he seemed like the only grown up during Brexit. Everyone else, you're like, you're just making this up and saying whatever people have told you to say and then um oh yeah then even then uh what corbin because when then he seemed to or i was like oh my god he just seems to say whatever he thinks will stop people voting for him but it seemed to be like he was going uh what's your plan for this

well i've got a really long detailed plan that will involve loads and loads of taxation you know it's just don't stop saying that you give too much detail oh now they're not going to vote for you it's like every time i thought right well this time it can't get any worse oh they've put this person up okay well definitely you've got to be this time. No? Right, and you've failed against that? OK, well, this person. Surely you're going to be this person. I mean, come on. No, right, they've actually... You've just got the biggest loss in history.

Oh, God. Yeah, it's depressing. I mean, yeah, I've just sort of switched off from it for a bit. And it's one of those things where, you know, I like to stay politically engaged and aware of what's happening, but, God, they make it so hard for you. And I think maybe that's the thing. It's that sort of Russia tactic of just, I read somewhere something that I think about quite a lot. And it was saying that sort of with propaganda and disinformation things, it's not always that eventually you stop caring and you stop interacting. And that's the real victory. You know, rather than kind of spreading disinformation, it's more powerful to just spread apathy. And I think they're kind of winning the battle with me slowly because after a while I just think,

well, actually, I'm going home in a really bad mood because of everything I've read today. And actually, my life and my little bubble and, you know, my wife and my son and my family, it's actually fine. And this hasn't affected it today. So I'll just let it go. And, you know, but that's that's the dangerous thing, isn't it? Yeah, I think that I think that's really true. And I think in the pandemic, that's been more and more so because those briefings were, you know, they will contradict each other every other day. So I completely stopped watching them because it was just like, you don't know what you're just making shit up aren't you then with all that ppe that's on the plane that was so ridiculous oh we sent the plane to greece and it's on the plane it's coming back yes we've got it we've got the best it's here oh it's all wrong and it's shit and

then and then the next day it's another another story of everything going wrong and i've yeah so i've disengaged. Yeah. So they won. You're right. But I think in the past we had sort of, there was still some sense that there was a sense of fair play somewhere. Like people would be really dirty and dishonest.

But at some point when you were caught with your trousers down, you had to kind of go, yeah, I did. Fair play. I'll go or whatever. Whereas now they just go, yeah, no, I should. And what? You know, and you kind of go uh yeah I don't I don't know I guess our system relies on you being a decent person you know it's

like you lied to the queen are you going to step down nah and you go no well we've got nothing else after that because everything in our society dictates that you should just do the right thing and when you don't we go oh well we're just going to let you do that then because there's not a follow through. No, and that's where Trump's and Putin's win, don't they? Because they don't have any moral conscience and they don't care. You know, they're like, oh, you're sending me a letter.

So what? And then waddle off with their trousers down. They don't care. Well, just wait till they hear this podcast. That'll put them right. I think that's also the thing how you know you feel oh it's so pointless and some people get really really political and i'm like yeah but it's pointless and they go you must never say that and i go well they've they've made me say that yeah i don't know i've been a lot happier since i did start saying that since you disengage yeah yeah that's the trouble um right

so how are we going to narrow this out are we going to put in all politicians or like 95 percent of politicians or should we go with nadine doris as the figurehead nadine is the but she's she's not the worst because she's she's an evil pawn isn't she whereas reese mogg is you know he's the and boris and johnson they're the establishment so we'll have one from each we'll have some of the pawns and and then some of the gentry okay well we could put the british political system in and that sort of i mean that's quite a lot on this island but i mean you know we've i've had so much fun slagging them off at the end of the day, you know, we might as well let them all on. Yeah, God, I'm just thinking of them all being there.

Yeah. Well, that would be quite cool, because they would all fight amongst themselves to be the ruler. Yeah, that's true. Wouldn't they? So that would sort of, yeah, I might be able to sort of manipulate them. Yeah, I mean, through a sort of Machiavellian game of some kind of death match, you'd probably get rid of a few of them, wouldn't you? podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N

ads.com. Yeah. Okay, good. All right. Well, there's the people. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad mine is oysters mussels anything that has that sort of eyebally texture snails and also i know i don't like it so it's fine so i can avoid it but it's sort of people's insistence, in a quite food snobby way, I think, that you should try it. I had that in Spain with people going, why didn't you try the snails? Because they look disgusting.

They look exactly like the thing in my garden. And I know I would gag immediately. But they're somehow intellectually superior to me because they will eat any old shit that they see. Yeah, well, I think most of those things would have started as like peasant food, really. Because, I mean, if you've got loads of land and cows and sheep that you can afford to kill, then why are you going to go crawling under rocks looking for these weird things? You know, so it's weird that there's this sort of snobbery about them now, isn't there?

I think so. And a lot of it is that new food, which is exactly that. And, you know, and it's tripe and it's weird that there's this sort of snobbery about them now, isn't there? I think so. And a lot of it is that new food, which is exactly that. And, you know, and it's tripe and it's awful. And I'd said that to people and go, this is what people used to eat when they couldn't afford to get a good cut of meat. And now they're charging you a fortune in St. John's bread and wine, which is where I had the most unpleasant evening with foodies who loved it. And I was just like, I just want a dinner. I don't want this endless, you know know tiny plates of stuff that i hate i'd really like a plate of food and a dinner so um and it might be on the island i don't know if i would have to eat those things it depends but i'm sure i'm sure there'd be other food but oh it would makes me love to think about it i think with things like i mean some of those

things you know because they are just people looking originally just looking for sustenance and then they figured out a way of disguising the flavor well enough that they became quite tasty like you know i like most things you know and i like mussels and i've eaten snails and found it fine but you know they're usually dressed up in quite a nice sauce so it's kind of okay whereas an oyster there's nowhere to hide you know it's it's just naked and maybe you put on some tabasco or something and i really want to like oysters because they seem sort of glamorous and flash and it's a bit like something a bit rock and roll or a bit like doing a shot or something you know i really want to have that satisfaction that people you know i've been with people eating them and just going oh my god this is great and they're flinging them back and

i've tried one and like and i don't like to be someone who spits food out because you feel like a child and i should be beyond that but it's so i'm just going i can't i want to like this so much but it's not making it easy and i'm supposed to swallow something that big and they're like no you just sort of give it a couple of little bites and let it slip down. I'm like, I can't. It's too big. What is this? It's mental.

I don't understand that thing as well about, you know, you don't chew. I don't know what you do. They do a certain, like you say, they do a sort of sucking on it or something. But I've been with people as well where they've done the thing and it did look cool. And a guy, he just ordered one. He goes, I think I'll get an oyster. And just had that. And then they're also also they're meant to be full of nutrition um but they're gaggy and i would like to like mussels because i like i love the look of them in the bowl and like i say it's usually a lovely garlicky sauce and they come with nice bread or

chips gorgeous but it's even the thought of them it's like all these tiny animals in my stomach afterwards feels disgusting yeah yeah also though if a food is best eaten when you just knock it back so fast you don't really taste it is that is that cheating i mean like it's like so wait if i chew up the oyster it won't be nice you mean if i actually taste what it is yeah that's that is exactly what they're saying isn't it uh as long as you don't realize how awful this is this will be okay yeah that's like how you get kids to take medicine it's just like hold your nose and swallow it as quickly as possible you know that's not what i want to pay for this uh and it's yeah same thing they're

disguising it aren't we we've put your your pill in some custard and you won't know where it is yeah yeah that's a good choice and especially on the island where things are going to be a bit warm and yeah it's not great and plus you've got all those all those mps who are just going to be just having a lovely time swallowing all the shellfish and telling you how lovely it is and how you're missing out all the time i think they'll be good hunters i think i'll get them out hunting stuff yeah maybe they're like killing things well i don't know they're probably like the death aspect but they're probably more used to a shotgun i don't know the actual like roll up your sleeves and get foraging aspect i'm not sure i mean corbin would be good at foraging oh he would he'd come back with a load of leaves that you'd go oh god is that all you've got

but i can make marvelous things yeah you. You see Boris Johnson trying to catch an oyster with a shotgun somehow. He's shooting an oyster. Yeah. Okay. And what would you wash those down with? Cocktails. Now, weirdly, I do like cocktails. Like, I love an old-fashioned.

I love an old-fashioned. And I really like any gin-based cocktails. I don't drink vodka because I had a white out on that once. But the thing about cocktails, which I don't get, is I think we drink them at the wrong time because they're so strong. Like martinis, they're just alcohol. And people go, oh, it's six o'clock. We haven't had dinner. Would you like one of these?

No, no, I can't. I haven't had any dinner. I've got an empty stomach. So i think we should have cocktails after dinner okay when you've lined your stomach lovely and then when you go oh would you like to sip on an old-fashioned yes i'd love one yeah and i don't understand all the like in old films they're always doing it aren't they having being sophisticated and having cocktails before their dinner fucking Fucking smashed. They must be absolutely drunk out of their mind. Yeah.

It's a strange one, isn't it? That that's, I mean, I suppose it does give you an appetite, but then so does sort of six pints,

you know, so maybe that's the, the thing, you know, but instead of having a kebab under a bridge somewhere, you actually have a nice meal or something.

But don't have your dinner when you're not hungry. Yeah. Do you know why i've got an appetite because it's my dinner time and i haven't just had my dinner yeah that's a very good point i might have said this before in this podcast but one thing because i really like cocktails as well but there's certain there's a jeopardy isn't there like you can pay 10 quid for a cocktail or more you know most of the time and it might just be shit and

then you've got a because the balance of it is so you know martini i love them and if they're well made they're just sort of light and airy and delicious but if they're badly made they're just you've got like neat booze that you have to choke down and you've spent 12 quid on this drink and you just have to get your way and you've been really looking forward to it and there's been all the theatrics about it and it gets to you and you can't sort of go do it again maybe you should say do it again but it's just so annoying having to pay for something that's so unpleasant yeah and it's 12 quid and also like you say you're not going to order another one because then that's you've just sort of now got an awful lot of alcohol yeah yeah and

i think there's also that thing sometimes if you go no i will have a cocktail maybe other people want to have cocktails and then you're a bar and they say they do cocktails this happens i think particularly in this country america i love the fact that you you can order a cocktail and a pint and they just always know how to make cocktails but i think quite often in britain they order a cocktail and then you go oh you've got like a ready-made thing you're now going to add to the alcohol that's not a cocktail that's not and it's still 12 pounds so now i'm doubly annoyed and when i drink it i'll still be pissed yeah you know they go have cocktails at six well i'll on the island i'll go well i'll be asleep by half past six yeah i think it spoils my drinking and i like to drink so it's like it's a dilemma for me always also they're

quite delicious but you've got to be so careful with them because if you have more than sort of two or three then just dangerous things happen so you have to be so grown up at the time when you're trying to let your hair down yeah you're kind of trying to sort of police yourself with them going oh i really shouldn't i don't know yeah i think that's why they work they do work for uh people who drink a lot you know you've got to really be a proper full-on person who drinks or you know every day all day to be able to cope with having cocktails and that's why i think when i see the people having you know j every day, all day, to be able to cope with having cocktails. And that's why I think when I see the people having, you know, James Bond always having cocktails and then running around.

But then I think when people were drinking lots of cocktails, you know, in the 50s and 60s, they were, you know, dead by the time they were 50. No wonder. No wonder they were. Well, you know, Churchill, have you seen what he consumed in a day? It's insane. And he, you know know managed to help us defeat

the nazis and it's like james bond is from that sort of era yeah now it doesn't make so much sense when not everyone's pissed all the time yeah yeah i mean i don't know how churchill managed to live so long or that sort of you know when you're watching mad men and you're going oh my god how much whiskey have you had it's 12 o'clock midday and then having meeting and you talk to older people and they go oh yeah it did used to be like that we used to drink every single lunch time and go back to work yeah and do work and like people used to just drink neat gin they'd just go to the pub and have a gin like that was normal and i know there weren't as many mixes those in those days but i mean got tonic you know yeah it's so strange isn't it yeah pink gin which was gin and angostura

bitters yeah so it's just gin yeah occasionally i sort of order a whiskey in a pub and then i always feel really awful afterwards because i see what an actual measure is and when i think i'm giving myself a double at home i realize i'm giving myself like several drinks in one go yeah yeah you know so yeah i find them yeah problematic for all sorts of reasons so yeah good choice good choice now um fortunately joe you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why um film is a hard one i found this one quite hard because there's a lot of films i just know they're not for me so i wouldn't criticize them you know i've never seen any of the hobbit or whatever those things are now that's not for me and um i have friends who they love all those marvel comic

films i'm not remotely interested i just wouldn't see that i wouldn't ever say they were bad but then occasionally i'll think oh i'll watch one of these um women's films that are meant to be light-hearted and i should enjoy and i watched um bride wars it it's Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway and they are the most awful human beings I've ever come across and women are terrible people and they also seemed they sort of acted like they're about eight years old of what an eight-year-old thinks getting married and having a wedding is and they compete and they do terrible things to each other because they're both getting married on the same day and we as women were meant to find it funny rather than being really embarrassed for our whole sex and i didn't find any of it funny and i just thought they're really

awful people and kate hudson i think particularly you know you see her name on anything just don't ever watch it she's i mean she's got what such a knack and i just think what an amazing career or what does she even think about her career where you go oh you just continually do terrible films but it's like you're a film star but you're not yeah yeah so yeah as you said it's sort of two friends planning rival weddings and slowly falling out and becoming more and more crazy about their weddings being perfect and and sort of competing against each other and it's like i just sort of feel like if you found yourself watching that film and identifying with it that's the wake-up call isn't it that you need to do something or speak to someone that you know we can all get excited about a wedding but if you sort of think i'm this person

now yeah and it's it's this sort of normalization sort of saying this is what women are like right you'll understand this like you we all we all feel like this about weddings and it just seems mad yeah we we all feel like that our friend couldn't possibly have a better wedding than us and we would do anything to stop them having a better wedding than us. You know, what kind of executive meeting was that? And they all went, yeah, that's exactly what women are like. Yeah, they'll love it.

I mean, I've been to a lot of weddings and, you know, some are more fun than others, but every wedding is always perfect for the couple that has it because it's a reflection of them. So they normally fit the people people at least it might not be my idea of a good time but they're generally you know pretty spot on for for their likes and i've got married a bit earlier than some of my friends and so i remember like friends going oh is it a real nightmare to plan it and i was like well anything big and logistical is a bit of a pain in the ass but

you know you love this person you'll broadly have the same tastes so you know you might not agree on everything but you'll broadly want to have a nice party together so that bit's not that bad but in films it's on telly it's always like the men don't give a shit the women have been planning it since they were three because they've never had anything better to think about because that's all you people seem to care about for some reason in in popular culture yeah and you think well yeah if you have a relationship where you're that apathetic and your wife is that mad then yeah it probably will be quite a headache you know yes the men aren't involved in it at all are they like you're saying they're not really interested it's all for the woman and and like you said and it's not about oh i love this person what will our day be like it's not it's this spoiled brat and always the parents it's always the parents

paying never seems to be that she should ever pay for anything at all and also there's always endless money as well like huge amounts of money in those sort of American films where they always seem to be getting married outside. It's always the same set-up, isn't it? And the white chairs and that. And you go, I'm sure most people don't get married like that in America. Not everybody can be that rich. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Yeah, it's very bizarre.

I mean, I have met people who, I remember sort of speaking to a girl once and she was saying, oh yeah, my wedding, it's going to be like this and this and this and she's only about 19 you know she hadn't met anyone to have the wedding with she knew exactly how it was going and I thought but you don't know who you're going to meet yet I mean do you want them I mean surely you want them to have a look in I mean I know some people are kept on a fairly tight leash in a relationship you know and it works both ways sometimes but you kind of think do you not want any input into your big day from the person who's been the rest of your life yeah they're irrelevant

i mean weirdly talking about it i um had a game my neighbor's daughter we she's five um and we played a game today and she wanted to get married she's a princess um so and i was to be her husband so that's fine so she got married and because she was the princess um so and i was to be her husband so that was fine so she got married and because she was the most beautiful princess and it was just going oh god it's all these same things isn't it you're a princess and you're the most beautiful princess and you marry the prince and then i really liked it she goes to finish the wedding and then she went and now i'm having my baby and i was always such a busy day i had the wedding meeting the prince and they're all in one day but i think that's all right because you're five you know that's you know but this sort of grown

women just and i think it was more also thinking about whoever made the film or you know somebody there must have been some people at the side going really are we making this now in this century we're going to make this film and we think women will like it yeah i mean i think things like that like part of my job involves making adverts for commercial radio and even in something as trivial as that the amount of steps and layers of people and like steps you have to go through to get things signed off for an advert that'll run for a week is unbelievable and when it's a whole film that costs hundreds of millions of pounds, there are so many layers of people to sign this off.

How did it happen? Didn't anyone just go, I think this is a crap idea? It's a really crap idea. And that thing of also that they're not even, it wasn't even high comedic like, oh, they're so insane, it'll be funny. It's like, no, they're so insane it'll be funny it's like no they're just normal women who you know the way women get though at a wedding they get a bit mad so we were meant to think they were normal and it was sort of okay but they'd just gone a little got a little bit

carried away yeah like you go with your girlfriends and you walked away again no but that one that is so me right yeah and i'm the other one i'm the other one right because that's what i would do so i would so go into the hairdressers if you were getting your hair dyed and then make it go blue oh would you yes i would man yeah bunch of psychopaths and it does nobody any favors at all yeah and i have a thing about anne hathaway's eyes her eyes she's got those massive like cow eyes so i have trouble looking at her anyway. They are quite bovine, aren't they? They are.

Yeah, not unattractive, you know, but I find I can't look at her. Fair enough, fair enough. It sounds like an awful film to be stuck with. And what music would you listen to? Oh, God, it's so hard to pick a particular song because it would be Queen. It would be anything by Queen. If people say to me, you know, if you say what music you mean, and if they go, I really love Queen, I wait for and what else?

Because Queen isn't really music. What else do you like? Queen is like pantomime rock. It's not real music. So what other music did you, if you'd only heard, if you'd heard Queen like when you were younger and you liked them from that, but you must listen to other kinds of music.

But that says to me, you've just found the most readily available music and gone, oh, that's music. I'll just listen to that. Have you listened to, do you listen to ska or reggae or dub or disco or any indie rock? What kind of other music? I like Queen.

They've got some good songs. And go, I don't think they have. I think they're, and funnily enough, when I did watch the film Bohemian Rhapsody and I thought that just reinforced that I was right. You know, that Freddie Mercury is a big, you know, panto entertainer. And there, the band is really nice men, really nice, clever men who should have probably done something else.

You know, they can play their instruments, but there's no passion. There's no, it's just,'s it's just i find i find it sort of ridiculous music yeah i mean i don't have much of an issue with queen like i actually quite like queen but i also completely understand why so many people feel the opposite way because it's like you said that you know you watch a band like led zeppelin and every member is just the perfect version of what they are you know perfect sexy sleazy front man sort of like scary edgy guitar player just powerhouse of a drummer you know with Queen it's like your bass player's an accountant he's wearing like really short shorts

and like I'm not saying you have to have a real power stance but your legs are so close together it's like you're a young boy queuing for milk at primary school, you know, and his base is like halfway up his chest. And like, you kind of think, and you've got one of the greatest front men of all time. I'm going to say that as a fan, but you know, I'm up for debate. I get that he's an entertainer. But the people behind him, you know, like, isn't like,

Brian May is a physicist and he made his guitar out of a fireplace uh or a mantelpiece with his dad and you're like you you're not supposed to be here and you are talented but it doesn't you sort of shouldn't be no and I also I really do hate those riffs those kind of guitar riffs because they sort of it's like they're missing there's never one where where you go, oh, that's like those guitarists that really get into you, that they're sort of dirty and sexy. And they're just not. They sound like you've really worked on this, like you say,

and, you know, made the guitar from a fireplace or whatever. And you've got all the notes and it's clever, probably. God, I couldn't play it. But it's pointless. Yeah. I think when I realised, I had a bit of an epiphany with Queen, where I thought, I used to sort of think,

oh, how can people not like it? It's fun and theatrical and camp and silly, but it's sort of, even though I like them, if I hear anyone but Freddie Mercury singing their songs, I think it's the worst music I've ever heard. And that's quite telling, isn't it? That says a lot, isn't it? Anyone except for him singing it is awful.

And then they sort of got... The one front man you're not going to be able to replace, and then they've replaced him with this other guy. And it's just... Yeah, it just sounds like bad musicals. You know, there's that musical style of singing. Oh, yeah. And I think, but I think that,

because I think that's what their music is. Their music is, you know, all those sort of West End shows where they just get loads of pop records and put them together and it's a show. Their music already is that, you know. So it's, to me, it's just not real. It's like watching, you know uh what's that musical rocky rocky horror show it's kind of that um and and as and and dated as dated as that and also because it's what people

like and think it's fun and they get all get to do the clapping and or people go do you know what i'm gonna have my funeral another one bites the dust and it's always like the most like cliched awful oh god and barcelona what a terrible song terrible although um talking of queen covers um sean rider and i think russell watson did a cover of that and that's worth looking up if you're looking for bad cameras. Sean Ryder? Yeah. And he's just like, so you've got, is it Russell Watson, the opera singer? Is he sort of opera? Yeah, he's the opera singer. So he's doing the operatic bit. But then you've got Sean Ryder just going, Barcelona.

That's not funny. It's really weird. And yeah, it's very strange. And what was the, that I want to break free? Oh, there's so many that I hate and that I'm having a good time. Because people think of it as good time music. And I think of it as, it's like if someone said, I like lager. And I go, I like lager.

What lager do you drink? And they go, well, I've got Foster's. Have you had other lagers? No. They seem to like be very, you know, they might like the Beatles. They might go, I've had Heineken it seems to me people they have their their music taste would be because I just think once you hear other things apart from Queen then you would never listen to Queen again well yeah I mean I think even though I like their sound the modern equivalent of them is Muse

and I can't stand them and you know and so that's again it's quite telling and I think it's probably just because I grew up with it you know they sort of music I think my brother liked them a lot when I was really young in my early years and and yeah when I first started working at a commercial radio station I loved them and now 12 years later I really understand more and more why people don't like them so yeah i think it's a fair choice fair choice um now joe finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why squirrels okay squirrels and i have a long running battle with squirrels where i live so i would worry about having them on the island because if you've made any kind of structure they will come in and they will gnaw away at it I have

old wooden windows and they have eaten the windowsills and they've also they sharpen their teeth on the sandstone so now I've got to have pointing done they're unbelievable unbelievable. And then, so then you read all the things. What can you do to get rid of squirrels? And somebody said, oh, they don't like mustard or chili. I thought, well, that sounds good. So I put mustard and chili all over the window still. And then they're just sitting there like, oh, flavor. Lovely.

Like just, nom, nom, nom, delicious. That didn't do any good at all. They're really bold. Like they're not frightened of you at all. And also, if you're growing anything, they pick, wherever they're picking up nuts and stuff, they then bury them. And so then they go and dig them up and bury them

and dig them up and bury them all over your garden and will dig up your bulbs and do that. So I feel there would be a great danger to any kind of structure you've got and anything you're growing and i think you're not allowed to shoot them with an air rifle somebody told me i couldn't do that so um there's nothing you can do about them all right yeah yeah i there's um in my local park that's just teaming with. And I used to sort of think they were maybe quite clever animals because they seem sort of, you know, quite...

Not the intelligence and dexterity is related. Yeah, they kind of look like they know what they're doing. But then as I go into my local park, there's a tree and the lowest branch is about 20 feet tall. And I was walking in there with my son and I just heard this splat on the ground and a squirrel had fell out of the tree. And I went home and I told my wife, i saw a squirrel fall out of a fucking tree it's unbelievable it hit the ground so hard because they must weigh like i don't know almost a kilo or something i don't know it's quite a splat and she went what that tree when you go in the butt i've seen a

squirrel fall out of that tree oh how fantastic oh this is music to my ears and that's like your main thing you're like you know on your top my ears. And that's like your main thing. You're like, you know, on your top trump card. Of course that's your thing. Squirrel, special moves, tree climbing ability. But we've both seen

on separate occasions squirrels fall out of a tree. And it doesn't look like a tricky, difficult, flimsy tree. It's like a big, solid tree. So I think they're just fucking idiots. And they can't bounce like a cat would find a way to

land wouldn't it if a cat did that so maybe that is the thing they can they can scamper up and down can't they and they can walk along really narrow ledges and things but they can't land yeah yeah i mean it looked really shocked and i felt bad for it because my son instantly just ran over to it going, oh, well, squirrels. It didn't even get a chance to compose itself or for it to run off again. Oh, it wasn't dead? No, no, it survived.

It was, but I mean, it looks like, whoa, fucking hell. I was enjoying that story so much. Oh no, I thought they were dead. Oh, damn. Oh, so they did survive. Well, that's a good choice. And also, they're going to be nicking your food. They're kind of crafty enough that they'll steal all your lovely sweet seafood.

Yeah. Ugh. And also, I think, I mean, they're quite verminous, aren't they? So it's like, I imagine... They're ratty. You know, they'll be having lots of disease. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want them around.

Well, I think that's a very good final addition to your island and it's a very inhospitable place, as is the purpose of this podcast. It's awful. God. That just means that you've done a very good job if you've discussed it even yourself. That means you've fulfilled the brief very well.

So I congratulate you. Now, Jo, obviously things are still, despite when we record this, lockdown being eased, apparently things are still all over the place. And where can we see or hear more from you? I'm Twittering. So I'm on Jo underscore Caulfield on Twitter and I'm on Instagram and occasionally put up little videos,

which I've only done in lockdown, where you go, oh, I better make something funny and put it up so you can see me there. And there are now gigs, which is really lovely. There are sort of Zoom gigs, so I may be out and about in my kitchen doing gigs. Great. Well, thank you very much for sharing your Desert Island Dicks with us today. Oh, thanks. thanks for having me cheers