Desert Island Dicks - JOANNE MCNALLY

Episode Date: October 11, 2020

Joanne McNally joins Dan to discuss all that would be truly awful for her to share a desert island with. Curious? Well stop reading this and listen to the thing... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dick, standing in my kitchen where my fridge is making quite a lot of noise and I'm hoping it's okay.

Anyway, on this episode, I'm joined by comedian Joanne McNally, who is not only very funny, as you'd expect from a comedian, but I also learned a lot, like how some clubs are cleared at the end of the night in Dublin, or what tryphobia is, and also the fact that Joanne sometimes microwaves wine, and for much longer than you'd expect. If you like, you can make a note of the answers to those questions when they pop up and turn this into a sort of listening comprehension test like at school or you can ignore all of that and just listen like a normal person. I'd also like to give a

quick shout out to Kirsty Simpson who's a tattoo artist based in Brighton and she co-owns the tattoo shop Dead Slow. She makes really cool tattoos and also does loads of great t-shirts and other merch that she's designed. I recently bought a couple of her t-shirts, and we got chatting on Instagram, and she's so nice that I thought I'd give her a little mention, because although most of this podcast is bitching about people and things, I thought that there's space for a little kindness too. So go and check out her tattoos at Fucking Hell Cursed,

or her merchandise at fucking hell merch or go to deadslow.com to see the tattoo shop. Anyway on with the show. Don't forget if you want to submit any of your own choices for inclusion in compact dicks then go to dickspod.com contact. Okay here's Desert Island Dicks with Joanne McNally. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Joanne McNally. How you doing? I'm good Dan, how are you? Not bad, not bad, thank you. Thank you for joining us today. How have you found,

well actually I know that you found it a bit tricky because I saw on Instagram you've been posting that you found it quite tricky coming up with guests for your island i did i found it really hard like it's not that i'm a really positive person but you're like what can i get away the most of the people i don't like are close friends and family so you're like who who famous can i say but i think i found two two two and a half, three anyway, that I wouldn't like to be stuck with for any period of time because I think they're probably all a bit deranged. All right.

Well, let's dive straight in then and we can put you out of your misery. Who's going to be the first dick on the island? So the first dick on the island is Kim Woodburn. Do you know Kim Woodburn? Yes. She's one of the cleaning ladies, isn't she? Yes. I think she has a proper name. Yes. She's one of the cleaning ladies, isn't she? Yes. I think she has a proper name.

It isn't just one of the cleaning ladies, but... She was... There were two... I get confused. Two fat ladies were the cooks. She was the cleaning lady with another woman who I think the other woman basically just was like, I can't work with her anymore.

She's... I mean, look, she's great, Ali. She was on Celebrity Big Brother and she was incredible in it. Only because she is away with the fairies. Really aggro. Always giving out, starting on people. Completely paranoid.

Started, like, she's kind of goes from zero to 100 in 30 seconds. Massive temper on her. Like, I don't know what's she appears to be a bit of an asshole so she started this massive row

with Colleen Nolan one of the Nolan sisters I mean who who fights with the Nolan sisters it's like fighting with like fucking Paddington Bear

anyway she started this huge fight with Colleen Nolan I keep trying to say colin really colin nolan and then she um went on loose women to try and sort it out and stormed off and everything like and then connie nolan was on loose with or was on with holly and phil crying saying like she almost quit her job i do think maybe there's something a bit off with uh kim like i don't

think anyone i don't think anyone normal acts like that but she's whatever her reasons i definitely don't want to spend any time with her plus that bone in her hair and all her head makes her look just pissed off the whole time yeah she sort of reminds me of like she's sort of the personification you know um in matilda miss trunchbull she kind of looks like her or at least her sister she's very like miss trunchbull less less athletic but she's very like miss trunchbull she has that very severe hairstyle and uh everyone's a little pig bitch and she's just angry all the time which to be honest you don't really meet that many angry women like nothing against men i love men but like it's unusual to meet a woman like that it just is just unusual to meet a woman like that she's kind of very paranoid very um temperamental

very sensitive like to the point where she's literally seeing things that aren't there do you know what i mean which must be awkward if your job is kind of cleaning for a living because you think you've done it and then you're seeing more dirt and no wonder she's so obsessively clean yeah it's that sort of fine line between like maybe you're just a genius and you know exactly what makes a television show you know you add that drama to reality tv or you're being exploited and really you need help and actually the industry should go and like well has a duty of care it's always a thin line like when you look back at people in uh reality shows before and now people are so sensitive to the whole thing of like not

laughing at other people's madness. Whereas before it used to be great crack to put mad people in telly. But now it's like not very cool to do, which is a shame. And I think telly is lacking as a result of it, you know. Like I was watching an episode of Come Dime with me last night and there was a man and I can't even remember his name. But like it was an old episode. He was clearly mad, you know know like just one tooth in his head kind of talk like like just really aggressive really aggro found fault in everything potentially

on a spectrum of sorts i don't know like i'm not a doctor i don't know but sure he was great telly we were loving it but i was saying to my housemate i don't know if you get away with putting him into an episode of come down with me now and it's a shame saying people are very boring yeah it's true i wonder if in the future we'll sort of look back at this kind of era of you know like the real nexus of horrible reality tv and kind of watch it as like a guilty pleasure in the future you know the same way that you sometimes you see like clip shows and they go look at this mad show from japan where they do all this so we can like look back and be like oh my god we were savages yeah yeah yeah look at kim woodburn have a breakdown on loose women that was the that was 2019 or whatever 2018 2019 um yeah i think we are moving towards a very but the other thing is like you don't know what's going on with people.

Like, say Susan Boyle, for example. There's no way. I don't think she'd ever get on a reality show now. What do you think? Yeah, I think it feels a bit shaky ground. There were sort of warning signs there, weren't there? Yeah. Yeah.

I think with Kim Woodburn as well. I mean, just let's put her on the island with you now. So she's confrontational. It's like two things. So she's confrontational about everything and she's also obsessed with cleanliness which on a desert island is going to be near to impossible well she didn't she didn't lift a finger in the big brother house now i can tell you okay she didn't do a thing and she was like they're dirty dirty pigs that's what she kept shouting about the other housemates but she's very bossy and if there's one thing I can't stand,

it's being bossed around. I hate being told what to do. It infuriates me. I see red. So I reckon we'd have punched each other out within an hour. But she's quite formidable, isn't she? I mean, in a sort of, in a scrap. I mean, I don't know how tidy you are in a fight,

but I mean, she's, you know, she's got a, she's quite an imposing figure. She is. I get, as I'm getting more temperamental the elder I get when I was young I would have been terrified to be in a fight now I'd be like I don't know I'd probably I'd probably give it a go I don't like pain in any capacity I have a very low pain threshold and I hate to get smacked in the face but I'd say if me and Kim were left alone in an island we'd have someone to dance with i'd say she'd be quite physical actually

yeah she's a big woman and she's quite threatening and she's cries a lot and actually maybe she'd be great crack maybe i've underestimated her maybe i don't know i mean it just feels like she's this huge ball of chaos waiting to explode and i think you know as interesting as that that is to watch from a safe distance, you're not going to have that luxury. I mean, maybe if you can like quickly go up a palm tree and sort of look down on the explosions below, you'd have an okay time. But at some point, it might just be you and her left.

Her and the hair flowing because she's got no hairspray left. Yeah. Might be the making of the two of us. I can still imagine they're still sort of wearing one of those quite severe blazers though even on the island you know the big earrings and all you're like kim there's no one to impress here love nice so kim woodburn joins you on the island and who's going to be joining the two of you so the person i would um the next person is Doctor, not Doctor, Julian McKeith.

Oh, yes. Yeah. I kind of think of the same era, television era, really. Yeah. Another mad woman on telly who has no actual qualifications. I think she got the Doctor qualification from an online course from a college. I don't know. I think she's got a doctorate in like Greek mythology or

something but she just threw it on to her name there and was giving out like nutritional and and medical advice like so it's one thing whatever look we've all kind of plumped up our credentials for things you know like when you were younger I've often said I was fluent in all sorts of languages and I could play piano and violin and sure no one hired me anyway it was irrelevant but um saying like was one thing saying you're a doctor when you're not like I could call myself a doctor now right yeah but I'm all I'm doing is sitting in my room there's no danger to me calling myself a doctor if I go online and start giving people medical advice that's dangerous so it's not that I just don't like her because she's a bit of a spoofer I think

she's actually she was actually putting people at risk i think yeah yeah and it was the whole thing of people watched it because there was that whole sort of thing of like examining your poo wasn't there she'd always make people take a dump and then she'd have a look at it and tell them why they're gonna die soon and it was so unnecessary and i don't know if that's her at channel four who the hell knows who came up with that but like come on it's completely unnecessary unnecessary it was a prop poo prop just to get extra i don't even want it i was like that's disgusting why is he taking a shit into a lunchbox like what's this got to do with anything um but yeah and i remember at the time i actually quite liked the show because everyone likes that reveal you know the before and the after and

they come in and they're all like their skin looks bad and they're kind of gray in the face and they just look really unhealthy and suddenly they like you know and she'd bring in these wheelbarrows full of sugar and like that's the sugar you've had in your tea this week and everyone's like oh and then she walks them over to this gorgeous table of fresh vegetables and shiny looking aubergines and and then you see them struggle because it turns out

they hate porridge and blah blah blah and she'd have to come in and interview anyway and then they'd end up looking great at the end yeah

and it was it was a cool show to watch but then when I realised what a spoofer she was I was like oh god and the way she I don't know there's something about her her like her demeanor and all it's just a bit it's not for me yeah

she's just irritating yeah she was very i think you know it's so well and good to i mean i suppose the aim is good you know let's help people not die of heart disease too early of course but her intentions were pure yeah but she was so angry at them all the time it's like look they might not know about nutrition so let's help them along in a nice way don't just like scold them all the time and i think um you mentioned something about wheelbarrow wheelbarrows full of sugar i remember there was this one with a vicar who wasn't that fat he was a bit portly uh which kind of suits a vicar i think really and um i think he said something like he eats five pork pies a week and she was like right well that's clogging your arteries watch this and they had an ambulance drive into his street and they pulled out the stretcher and they'd made a person out of mashed up pork pies

now i think i mean this is hilarious but i don't know it's like what's the point it's like oh and now the pork pie man is dead because he's full of pork pies. You're like, yeah. I mean, he's not going to turn into a pork pie. Jesus. That's like, they might as well have put on, like, a fake burial and laid him out in a coffin and have his friends and family come and visit him on the day. I think they did something like that.

I'm sure there was something like they got the family's kid in one episode and they made them do, like, a pretend birthday party for him, but they weren't there and they just had to watch a video of him on his own and having a birthday party with his parents dead from sugar or something. Jesus! That's pretty mad.

Yeah. Pretty mad shit. There was another show that I found on YouTube that I really liked. It was like, not 10 years younger. It was, how old is my... Basically, they were trying to find out like your biological age versus your actual age.

And it was fascinating. They take these really unhealthy people. And I think, I honestly think your skin is a great indicator of what's going on inside you. So you know the way sometimes people, they kind of have a very grey, you can just see they're grey

and they're kind of grey in the eyes and they're grey're grey in the face anyway and this was nothing to do with weight actually because some of these people were quite thin and then other people were bigger and but they lived a very unhealthy lifestyle so like chain smoking and doing loads of drugs and like you know pints pints pints pints and they went through they brought them in and gave them like uh an autopsy basically right of what was going on in their bodies and it was fascinating because you don't know like i love a drink right i love a drink i'm not afraid to take a tablet like if i have any sort of twinge i'll take it i'm not one of these people who's like you know people talking about like a natural birth i'm like are you on crack i wouldn't do anything natural if it was if the alternative was an option but i never think about

my liver or i never think about my kidneys because i can't see them i gave up smoking because i can see my face and i'm vain and i it gave me it was giving me lines and all and i didn't want to age like at a at the speed of light but i can't see what's going on inside me basically what i'm saying is i'd love an autopsy i'd love an autopsy now i'd love an nct of like everything that's going on i know it's not an autopsy because i'm alive i'd love to know what's going on inside me be great i mean i got a real fright recently when i saw a picture of me on my birthday about six weeks after my son was born and i just looked about 15 years younger than i do three years later now and so now I think if that's what that's how much older I look after three years of being a dad yeah I don't really

want to see what how the decay inside and it makes sense this is why like your parents are always eating like a really hard brown bread and you're like why don't you want some of the fun food I'm having and they're like no no no I can't have that and now I understand why because I'm clinging on to every little fucking thing I've got but I would think it's because I know I know people who have had kids and I do think kids they they do age you because you're not sleeping like you can't like I can sleep I've no kids I'm free to nap anytime I want which is which is great but it also means I've no kid I've no one to wheel me around when I'm old you'll have people to wheel you around when you're out but I think have people to wheel you around when you're old.

But I think physically your face might show, kids, because you're tired and stuff, but your insides are probably grand. Probably all right. I mean, it's not as bad as being like a president or a prime minister where you see them in five years and they literally look awful fat. I know. Donald Trump's probably in his 40s. Like, I know, stress really ages you really really does well but then saying that i mean jillian mckeith getting back to her she didn't even look that

great did she because there was a famous meme used to go around it was like she's the same age as nigella lawson who's kind of curvy and voluptuous and looks great and eats loads of cream and butter and crap all the time and Jillian McKeith is telling us what to eat and she looks like a skeleton you know and you know not like a fun one no not like a fun skeleton not like a fun skeleton no I know she was very she didn't look she wasn't really selling the brand to me to be honest she was thin and I think there was a stage not that long ago where pin it just, everyone just wanted to be thin, thin, thin.

Like that was all that mattered. Thin. It wasn't about health. It wasn't about, now it's all about abs and definition and toning. But at the time she was offering a thin lifestyle to people who weren't thin. And this was like the early noughties when thin was very much in. Heroin chic.

That was all we had done heroin chic which is awful no one ever looks at a heroin addict and admires their body but i grew up with heroin chic like that's what we had to look like we took like kate moss to be considered attractive it was desperate i was pulling out of a sainsbury's car park this morning and i saw someone who maybe not heroin chic maybe more crack glamour i would say and saw this woman sort of go and take a piss in a bush next to me and I thought, I don't think, that's not a great role model, you know. I mean, you know, each to their own. But it's not what I'd want walking down the catwalk

for my spring-summer collection. No, of course not. Taking a piss at the end of the day, desperate. But, like, I do think now there's a much healthier vibe now and young girls, like, I see teenagers now or girls in their 20s and they're curvy and they're and they're showing it off like when i was young if we put on weight we were so mortified about our bodies we were wearing like umbra jumpers like black sacks down to the ground anything to just hide all our bumps and lumps and now they're like out to be seen it's

great yeah the flip side is that like you know there's a load of people obsessed with the gyms and stuff but at least i suppose at least it's more like it's more healthy than starving yourself isn't it it's like at least you're doing exercise i feel it has to be a healthier option i think the beauty industry is and i think human nature is that there will always be a level of aspiration to your body like there will always be told that there's a next level that we can get to or should get to. And I do know there's probably problems,

like men are under a lot of pressure now that they were never under before. It was always just women that kind of felt that pressure. And now all that, like, all those, what are they called? The Geordie Short, like that kind of body. I mean, the lads are obviously off their tits on roids. Like, let's face it, no one gets a body like that ifads are obviously off their tits on roids like let's face

it no one gets a body like that if you're not off your tits on words but i do feel that with girls now they're like i'm actually kind of jealous like i wish i'd grown up in that environment and i think a lot of it's to do with fashion and trends and people kind of rebelled against there was girls fucking dying of anorexia on the catwalks something had to be done but um the body positivity movement i think it's been massively massively helpful and i'd love if i'd grown up when that was a thing and i think i think those girls are wonderful and i think instagram has a lot to do with that because now you can find anyone can be a model really like you can find someone who looks like you

no matter what your size who's probably modeling something for someone whereas when i was young like i say they were just sticks everyone was just a stick and if you weren't a stick you weren't attractive that was the end of it and boys were kind of brainwashed into it as well fair enough yeah and yeah but you're right is i think it is a more balanced rounded view these days and yeah people like gillian mckeith i'm not going to say the doctor part because we know it's made up but yeah she wasn't helpful at all and as i say so it wasn't it was neither sort of that healthy or that nice looking and uh yeah and also just pretending you're a doctor it's like how do you expect no one to fact check that after a while? I mean, it's mad. But she got away with it for years. And also, like I say, she was genuinely talking, banging out scientific facts.

And that just weren't true. They just weren't true. And also, I mean, let's put her in the position. You've got Kim Woodburn just going mad all the time and also complaining that everything's not clean. You've got Gillian McKeith telling you why you should eat certain things, but based on nothing. So you probably, it's not going to help you. And also you've got no choice.

So you've just got, you've just got two really negative nagging people on the island with you. And you just sort of think, well, I want to have a nice time as much as possible, but you're awful people. They probably just start eating each other. Like I'd say if you put those two in a room they'd go for it well i think also jillian mckeith's

gonna go kim woodburn you're overweight you must do something about it and she's gonna snap isn't she and say you telling me my body is not perfect probably yeah probably i'm taking a think of that horrendous horrendous power walking around the island and all okay and who's gonna join them who's gonna be your final choice so the third my third choice is conor mcgregor uh-huh yeah good a man i used to admire i thought he was wonderful and uh now i just think he's a dick yeah he's so angry he's i've never seen arrogance like it it's i saw him once in dublin he pulled up to something i was going into in like with these huge four by four cars like this kind of squad of people and it's like what this isn't la what are you doing it was just it's so much it's so over the top how he's still engaged to that girl i've no how she hasn't left him i've no idea but anyway they must have some sort of arrangement yeah i mean i get that if you're

gonna fight people for a living you've got to have you've either got to be completely kind of easygoing and sort of laissez-faire with the world and just sort of go oh you know win some lose some or you've got to be so hyper confident you know there's not like a shred of doubt in your mind that you're the best but i think you could probably have that without just being a massive dick muhammad ali he wasn't he wasn't anything like he wasn't with me do you know what i don't know i don't know enough about it i just know that connor is an asshole let's face it and he's he's kind of lost i think he i think when he started he's done wonders for that sport. And he was really inspiring. And loads of young Irish lads were getting into it.

And it was actually quite cool because there was this kind of jumping young lads who looked up to him who weren't drinking. They were going training instead. And it seemed like he was. I mean, he, you know, you can't take away from what he did and how he started out. But all the accusations surrounding him now and his his attitude now and like punching that old man in the face in the pub and i don't know what's going on there it appears and i get it like you for that to be in that business and to be as successful as he is and has driven as he is you'd have to have undergone some sort of like retrained your personality to think that you are

like beyond human if you know that right like your strength and your dedication and your focus and that there is no one like you and i understand building that up on your head but i'm still allowed to think that what he does outside of the ring she's not even in the ring anymore is uh pretty pretty shocking but i think as well lots of people you hear about like oh you know i used to be a bad kid and i was getting into trouble on the streets and then i found boxing or mma or whatever and it really channeled my anger and it made me a calmer person because i had an outlet for it which is positive and turned it into a sport was he sort of done the opposite it's like you're still really angry it's surely like you're the you're the one person who got angrier

from doing it i mean it doesn't seem to work the connor thing just seems to be a bit relentless at this stage it's like i don't know it's it's it's not good i don't know what he's going to end up doing i hope he figures out how to make peace with himself in some way because he's i think he's kind of lost it to be honest yeah i remember seeing him going to some awards do or something he's wearing a pinstripe suit and they had a close-up and all the pinstripes just said fuck you fuck you fuck you they've had it woven into the fabric and you're like i mean that can't be that cheap as well and when you get to the point where you're just so out to offend as much as possible you're having it like swear words woven into your clothes i guess for that for to

keep himself like mentally strong he probably has to think the world is out to get him maybe but it's not like there haven't been nice boxes i mean anthony joshua just comes across really well doesn't he like still live with his mum and gives all his money to his i don't know him who's he he's like one of the he He's like a good British boxer and he's a heavyweight. And apparently, like, yeah, he still lives quite a modest lifestyle, gives loads of his money to his family

so they can have nice lives. And it's like, yeah, you're still terrifying in the ring. Yeah. But, you know, you seem like a really nice guy and a role model. And, like, it's nice.

I know. We all want that Rocky. We all want the Rocky character, but I guess that he's probably few and far between in the real world yeah yeah oh god i love rocky it's such a shame do you know what other film i love and i don't think anyone really i don't think it gets the credit it deserves or maybe that's just my opinion you know over the top i haven't seen that actually it's the same guy it's your man's stallone is that the arm wrestling one yeah oh yeah maybe i have seen that a long time ago yeah and he flicks his cap like when he needs to kind of push it you know it's always you think he's gonna lose in the hands and then he rinses his turns his cap range and then when he turns it

it's like turning on a machine that's what he says yeah and then he's like boom it's brilliant me and my brother used to watch it religiously in the 80s this is a big tangent but talking of arm wrestling when we're done i urge you to look up uh german arm wrestling german arm wrestler big arm there's this german arm wrestler who through a genetic anomaly has one giant arm so and it's like it looks photoshopped it's amazing but he's it's legitimate he's been in sort of german adverts and stuff he has one arm and it's like i don't know if you've seen rick and morty um there's an episode of rick and morty he gets like a big giant arm it's like that it looks like someone's just sort of like a mr potato head someone's stuck on this giant arm oh my god

it's maybe the best thing you'll see all weekend i'm just just gonna hype it up like that is that fair is he allowed arm wrestle with that arm does he do professionally or just does for the ground he's a professional arm wrestler oh my god but then i suppose i mean it seems unfair but i guess like you know usain bolt has a natural talent you know i could train forever and i'll never have that natural gift and he's taller and more you know or like they say like i don't know but aren't fighters measured like aren't you put up against people the same weight as you and the same size as you?

Isn't that kind of how it works? Oh, in that case, it's slightly unfair, I suppose, if you are. But I'm sure, I mean, if we're going to base it on over the top, I'm sure Stallone had to arm wrestle some guys who are a lot bigger than him. That's true, yeah.

That's true. Okay, well, you've done some really good choices for the people on this island. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad so i mean it's do you know what food i hate now it's unlikely that it's gonna fall out of an airplane but um soft poached uh i hate a runny yolk in an egg it makes me want to gag oh really okay but i love hard pouched eggs oh right so that's um the polar opposite of you egg wise yes well i think most people are and that's why i struggle so much she

says the struggle the egg struggle in london is real i spend most of my time sending back eggs now it's not it's not a massive complaint but it's a nice position to be in to be rocking around sending back eggs but i do london just doesn't listen like i don't think english people understand i think they think i don't know what i'm saying when i say rock hard eggs they're just like she's silly she doesn't understand and i and when i, when I put the knife through it and it runs, A, I get filled with anger and I want to physically gag and I have to send it back. And they just won't give me hard eggs.

It's disgusting, that yellow bile shite. It runs over everything and infects all the other food and everything is just yellow and gloopy. But I find it the same with, like, if a hard yolk still kind of gets everywhere, and it's sort of like a paste. I don't know, but... It doesn't!

It stays exactly where it's supposed to. Well, it would more than the yolk, obviously, because it's liquid, so that does make sense. OK, so just runny eggs. Also, I mean, apart from anything, the idea of eating runny eggs on a beach is just... I'm always horrified when I see on beaches, like people eating burgers and chips and all.

I'm like, I don't know. Like there's certain, like your temperature, I think, say for example, say for the drink bit, right? And I was like, what drink would I hate to drink on an island? Now, I love red wine. Like, I love it. I wish it was water. Like, I wish that that was what we used to hydrate.

But if it was warm in any way, red wine suddenly to me is toxic. Like, I'd rather drink the belly of Chernobyl than drink red wine in the sun. I suppose you've got a sort of, I mean, if the weather's warm in any way yeah imagine sitting on a hawaiian island because red wine is usually served kind of room temperature yeah because i was gonna say you've got a higher operating window with the temperature of the wine but you mean the yeah the ambient temperature of the island yeah sometimes i microwave my red wine wow i'm quite the sommelier dan i'm quite the sommelier sometimes i'll microwave my little red wine or albino poor man's mulled wine yeah sometimes i'll give it an hour blast in the micro

if it's a bit cold how hot do you go maybe give it like a minute that's quite hot yeah that's warmer than i i think you say like 10 seconds or something, give it a minute, yeah. It'll be bubbling away. But then it's like, like I say, the idea of my palate. I suppose everyone's the same. Depending on the heat outside, my palate completely changes. So yeah, you're right. Who in their right mind would order runny eggs on a beach? Vile.

You eat calipos and you drink rosé or like deliciously cold gin and tonics or like some sort of concoction out of a pineapple um they're the things you drink and eat on beaches but do you know what else i absolutely see i'm a bit of a pig there's not a lot i don't eat um but you know what i don't eat and people can't't understand it. I don't know why either. I don't like pizza at all. Oh, really? Yeah. So it just feels completely pointless to me. Like, it doesn't make me gag. But it's just a giant moon-shaped, like, one.

It's like just toast with meat on it. I just don't get it. Don't get it. So if runny eggs or pizza fell out of the plane i'd be raging okay and i mean you know even if you're in a class on the plane that was you know if you're first class they could probably do you a runny egg but um it's still not going to be that great so you know and i like airplane food i actually quite like it I think it's always really exciting. I love the way they give you no choice whatsoever. Yeah, I quite like that.

Increasingly, I find the amount of choice just exhausting in life. And you're like, oh, why are there 30 types of washing up liquid? Just give me something green in a bottle. You're on a plane, they're like, you're having a ragu and you're like, I'm a vegetarian.

They're like, you're not anymore. And you're like, okay, fine. Yeah. I just, yeah, I just think the idea And you're like, okay, fine. Yeah. I just, yeah, I just think the idea of any eggs, I mean, eggs every day anyway isn't pleasant, I think. And then, yeah, runny eggs on a beach every day, bit gritty and you think, oh God, there's some shell in it.

No, it's just all the sand. I remember seeing a photo of Carrie Katona once on a beach and it was obviously set up. So what the what the celebs do from what I can tell is they put on they put on a load of weight

then they go out to like Benidorm they bring photographers with them they get intentionally photographed looking like shit eating shit on a beach

the photos go somewhere then they get a they get a trainer and they release it fitness dvd in time for christmas or whatever right that's what they do that's like obviously it's kind of like a little money-making plan that they have and i remember seeing this photo of carrie katona on a beach and it was nothing to do with her or her body or anything like that it was nothing to do with her or her body or anything like that. It was nothing to do with that. But she was eating this burger with chips and loads of ketchup and mayonnaise. And I was like, no. Yeah. At least go into the shade.

Like it was in the roasting hot heat of the day. I was like, nah, you need cold shit on the beach, hot shit inside. I mean, come on. You don't have to be Nigella to figure that out. That's the basics. Yeah. That's the basics. Put it on a tea towel so you don't

forget yeah yeah that makes sense okay so uh runny eggs on the beach and then um are you saying so for your drink are you saying sort of uh red wine red red wine i couldn't drink red wine in the heat it's and red wine makes me very sleepy and there'll probably be a lot of work to do on the island like yeah you know building shit um another drink that i there's a couple of drinks that make me just you know like smell is one of the strongest triggers of memory so sometimes when i smell a drink it reminds me of a time in my life so i can't stand the smell of aftershock oh god yeah yeah because it just reminds me of obviously being on nights out when you're young

and drinking yourself into like oblivion and the smell of it and like it's spilt everywhere because everyone's just pissed out of their face and it's you wake up and it's on your clothes and yeah i occasionally sometimes if i have a mouthwash i get a little gag and i'm like what is that and i'm like oh because it's like memories of aftershock my body doesn't know the difference anymore yeah exactly um what else

oh was there something oh yeah when I was in I went I worked in Spain I worked in Fangareola for um

like three months you know I did like a summer season there I worked for Lineker's pub just like flyering and getting people in and we

all we did was drink vodka diet coke, vodka diet coke. And it was just the smell. Like if I smell a vodka diet coke now, I could probably, it's probably so long now. It's about 10 years. I could maybe stomach,

if someone was like, if it was all there was, if I went back to someone's house and like all I have is vodka diet coke, I'd probably do it. But that's a recent development. Again, we drank it every day for three months oh man and the smell and it was really cheap coke it was called like revoltas i think it was actually called revoltas and it was always the ice was it was so hot and it was always kind of warm and

oh man that's horrendous yeah again nothing something you don't want to drink warm as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, bad, bad Diet Coke and vodka and cheap vodka as well, which is, yeah. Disgusting. I think it was like a skull and bones on the front of it. No, it was just vile. I mean, all the signs were there, weren't they? For you, you know, revolt us, Coke and skull and bones vodka. As a 21-year-old, you're illiterate to signs. You can't read signs. you're like how can i get

pissed for a fiver that's literally your only concern yeah i remember with aftershock we used to get because there was a red and the blue which was sort of one was a bit hotter one was a bit cooler like one was more menthol one was more cinnamon and we used to do purple aftershock so you'd have to have a double shot and mix the two and i remember there used to be things that for some reason some twat had decided that when you did a purple aftershock you had to like you had to do it and then hold it in your mouth for 30 seconds first and then that like it was just how many fucking stepping stones can i not just you know if you're on like a stag or a hen do and like they're like no you've all got to drink this all day and you've got to drink it in this specific way and you're like look guys i'm absolutely up for getting shit faced yeah can i just do it with

nice drinks i'm still gonna end up being sick at the end of it but can i have a gin and tonic or something please like can i get to the same destination in a slightly different route you know i know and also i suppose when you're older when you're younger you go out with the aim to get pissed like that's why you go out whereas now you're like oh actually out with the aim to get pissed like that's why you go out whereas now you're like oh actually i don't want to get pissed because i'll be like i'll feel shit but i shots i don't i wouldn't like i just wouldn't be into shots now at all i mean if the objective of the drink is to get rid of it as fast as possible it's probably not that nice i can drink wine like a shot like i I'm grand. Like I still can drink with speed.

Down and wood. Well, we have a particularly disgusting menu then for you on the island. So that's good. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Now, Joanne, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite song is Are We Human or Are We Dancer? Oh yeah, the killers, yeah.

I absolutely hate it. Like I, I just, I just, I just hate it. Don't know why, I just hate it. it doesn't make sense and the lyrics are shit i hate the tune hate it don't really like the killers i yeah i'm not a big fan and um i work at a radio station where they play that sort of thing quite a lot so i mean the only good thing about it is i've now heard it so many times that the sort of the cycle it goes you hate a song you hear it in your every waking moment when you wake up and it just pops into your head then you've heard it so many times you know the words even though you hate it and eventually like sort of Stockholm syndrome you don't like it but you just don't even hear it

anymore it's like you know it's like telegraph poles you don't really notice them because they're just there all the time so I've kind of got to that state of acceptance i suppose but yeah they overplay like people just over stations and stuff they overplay songs to the point where you just can't bear to hear them anymore which is unfair to the um band actually like i mean if i'd heard it once or twice in my life it probably wouldn't offend me as much. There's something really, the lyrics really piss me off. Are we human or are we dancer? It just, to me, doesn't make any sense.

It just pisses me off. And it's ridiculous. What are you on about? What are you asking for robots? We're not robots. Not that all lyrics make sense. It just riles me, that song. Well, the other thing is,

I've complained about it in the past and I've had people go, actually, no, it refers to this poem by this famous poet. And then, so then it's even worse than the lyrics not making sense in the face of it. Then you've got some twat giving you a lesson about like, oh, well, actually, it's by this poet. And you go, oh, just fuck off. That's still a bad lyric.

That's the killers being facetious as well, I think. Yeah, definitely. And it's that sort of, yeah, people get really excited by the killers, don't they? Like Mr. Brightside, it's just sort of like, oh, suddenly the pubs, everyone's dancing, spilling their drinks. Yeah, I know. We're going to live forever. And yeah, I just, I don't like that. There was another song that the clubs used to all play.

Not all clubs, but like clubs that I went to in Dublin when I was a kid. They'd finish the night with them and I would walk 500 and again that's not really a big fave of mine as a result it's all over exposure that's what these things are over exposure yeah yeah they play

that one in Australia a lot I remember like from being about 18 in Australia and like pubs always closing with the proclaimers I I don't know. They played that at home and then the national anthem and then we were all kicked out. The national anthem? In Ireland, they played the national anthem, yeah.

And then they set off the alarm so that everyone leaves. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Because normally if you hear the national anthem and an alarm together, it means like, that's it, the bomb's coming or something. It's a terrorist attack.

No, not the proper, now not the proper like not like proper like techno clubs they weren't gonna like round the night off with the national anthem i mean you know the cheesy clubs that you went to like that we would have gone to when we were like 16 17 before we got a bit cool you know do they still do that do you think i don't know because i haven't been into them in so long yeah Yeah. I definitely, I'm telling you now, there's definitely places still down the country that would finish the night with the national anthem, I've no doubt about it.

Wow. I know. That's amazing. Wow. I really, I want to find out, if we have listeners who can let us know on social media, I'm very curious to find out.

Yeah. But yeah, the Killers, I feel like they are, it's this sort of new era, well not new era anymore, but I'm old old so it feels like it's like clean rock and roll you know what i mean it's like hey we're a rock band but i'm a

mormon and i've got five kids and i don't drink and it's like yeah that's all fair enough but i want to okay i get that dave grohl's a really nice guy but you still feel like the foo fighters have a bit of energy or something yeah so many bands we're're like, oh, how do you relax after a gig? It's like, well, you know, I'm reading this at the minute. I don't care. No, we're like trashed in the hotel room. Yeah, I know. We want the bad boys.

Where's your leather jacket? We want the bad boys. But like that kind of whole genre, like I would consider like Kings of Leon, Killers, Arctic Monkeys. There's another kind of like, not Mumford and S kind of like not Mumford and Sons but maybe Mumford and Sons I couldn't tell them apart

I honestly couldn't tell them apart now Mumford and Sons I could they have a more distinctive sound I used to love do you know what I used to love I went to see them in Dublin Kasabian but anyway now obviously

you can't like them anymore it turns out your man's deranged but I loved Kasabian I loved ACDC I used to when I was in Australia doing shows I walked out not like that many works turns out your mind's deranged yeah but i loved kasabian i loved acdc i used to when i was in australia doing shows i walked out um to thunderstruck but i could only play like if you play more than four minutes or something you have to pay royalties or something mad like that it does have a long intro as well it does have a long intro but it's like as if acdc needs royalties from me come on like i'm doing

the adelaide fringe but yeah i'm not prepared to pay royalties to them so i do a very short intro but i remember i went to see i used to work in um music pr before i got into comedy and uh i went to see them we were looking they were playing in this kind of big outdoor event in ireland and i'd never seen them live and i was looking after the photographers so i was up in the pit so we was like it was their train tour so there's this huge big train coming out of the wall and everything so i was up really really close and it blew my mind and ever ever since then i've been a big acdc fan yeah no i've seen them and it was brilliant. It's exactly what you want a rock show to be, you know, like just stupid inflatables coming out

of the stage and Angus Young on like a revolving stage in the middle with loads of confetti cannons going off and stuff. It was great. That's what I want. But yeah, it feels like everything's a bit more sanitised. Like even Kings of Leon, when they came out, they were like, they were almost like

hillbillies. You couldn't understand a word they said and then suddenly with sex on fire like who are these good looking young men in their matching jackets and like what what happened to you guys yeah fair enough if i was them and someone went do you know what if you shave we could really make a lot more money yeah showbiz yeah yeah who cares why not but it does it is lacking but yeah i think the killers are sort of the worst of it because they're the the shiniest aren't they i don't know i honestly couldn't like i'm so hard and i'm not i'm not a big news though like i'm not a big news though um but i do find that whole group there was there was a kind of an onslaught of bearded men in a lot of black with those kind of like trilby hats um i found it very difficult to tell any of them apart yeah i was at a wedding

once and um the uh dj was struggling to get people to dance and he was one of those djs that had a microphone as well and uh at one point because he thought thought, he was like, oh, I'm losing the crowd. I know, I'll put on Mr. Brightside. And he got on the mic and went, ladies and gentlemen, the Killers. And I was like, they're not here. Like people looked around. Oh, so funny.

It's, you know, we're at a golf club. He's not going to be here, you know. But, you know, nice try. Great tip. If I'm dying on stage, I'll do the same. Yeah, let's go the killers yeah fair enough and then people get angry for them not turning up it will distract everyone it's a good plan um what would your film choice be i actually didn't know i had to choose a film so if i'm

thinking on the spot i'd probably go see if i don't like a film i just turn over do you know what film i don't like and because it freaked me turn over. Do you know what film I don't like? And because it freaked me out and I would get no pleasure out of watching it is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Which one? The original? The original. It gave me nightmares for years as a kid. Oh, really?

Yeah, I mean, it's a freaky character. The whole thing is freaky. Like the kid going up the chocolate pipe. You're one blowing up like a balloon. It's terrifying. We had, where i'm from in dublin there's these um things called the rainbow rapids where they're it's a water park but like it's not it's i don't know how you'd explain the rainbow rapids i mean a part a water park is is is a gross exaggeration it's a couple of tube slides going into a rock pool in the sea but the tube slides

it's you know they're covered slides and I think I mean the place has been shut down now it's like just this kind of creepy it's like going into the Titanic you know you can you see videos of the slides it's all like underwater now and they're trying to turn it into I think some sort of like museum or something but the place was it was the 80s so like there was thumbs stuck to the last property board like there was no health and safety in the place at all and the queue to get up to the top of the slide took ages and it was really narrow and my dad was was really really wanted me to do it he thought this would be because I didn't want to do it and he was like this is something you need to do to kind of like grow as a human got all the way to the top and screamed because all i could think about was that child who went up the pipe so i obviously had a

touch of claustrophobia or something i don't know so it ruined the rainbow rapids for me then i used to dream i don't know why i have this thing which it i it is a thing some people think it's not a thing called trifobia where it's like this weird no nausea around things growing out of organisms so like do you know this i think is it i it's a fear it's a it's a phobia of patterns but like only certain patterns and because yeah i I remember a colleague getting very upset once because they had a red pepper and inside it had like a little red pepper growing out of it. And that really freaked her out.

Is it that sort of thing? No, it's more like loads of holes in a row. It's hard to explain. Oh yes, yes. Yeah, I've heard of that one. So I think the cause of it is that a lot of people have it it's because

you know back in hunter-gatherer days to keep us away from poisonous things things that could harm us things we shouldn't eat that it would

trigger some sort of nausea in us and some of us just still have it I guess still have it I don't know we're obviously the Neanderthals

of the human race that still have it but there was something in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the human race but still have it but there was something in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that freaked me out it's not like there was something to do with that and then I used to dream

about that girl who blew up to be the blue belt and she was like popping holes out of her and everything oh it was just awful a friend of mine has tryphobia as well

and she used to dream that she there was kidney beans bursting out of her skin it's all this wow I know so I've been doing a lot of gagging on this podcast um so that that's a film that really freaked me out and i got no plan it's i think it's creepy as fuck it is and there's also i noticed last time i watched it god knows how long ago that was. There's, you know, certain films when they had like different value systems.

Like, so there's a bit where, you know, Charlie, he uses his like birthday, for his birthday, he gets like a chocolate bar to win the golden ticket and he doesn't. And then his grandpa goes, hey, look, I've saved my money and I've bought you a chocolate bar. And instead of going, oh oh isn't that nice because you're a poor family let's you know spend it on the child so he has a vaguely normal upbringing the mother turns around and goes oh grandpa you shouldn't have that money was for your tobacco how do you remember like quotes from us i just remember the only bit i really like really stuck with me i was like don't spend your money on chocolate for the boy.

You're supposed to be smoking, Grandpa. Different times, Dan, different times. It's your only pleasure is smoking in bed with the other three grandparents. Doesn't sound like a bad life. It's amazing. But, yeah, I like it. But, I mean, you know, his sacrifice got Charlie into the factory. But he is a weird character.

I mean, he's the last person you'd want your kid hanging out with. And if he said, now I'm going to give you the whole factory, like this is like, it's the alarm bells. It's too Michael Jackson, isn't it? Yeah, it's a little suspect. And licking, remember him licking the walls and the walls tasted of things. And I don't know, it was just, it was one of those movies where it's aimed at kids,

but it tormented me for years. I remember running out of the house and everything. I remember my mum had to come and get me. I was down at the end of the garden crying. But I think when we were young, there was, stuff was just a bit weirder for kids, wasn't it? There's some like mad stuff going on. And now it's like, there's, you know,

my son watches some crazy shit as well. Like there's this thing on Netflix where all the characters are bread or cakes, like, and they run a barbershop. So there's a loaf of, there's like a slice of toast and he's, he's a barber and like,

that's fucking mad. But I mean, it's not scary. It's just weird. You know, it's just. How do adults come up with this stuff? They must be on acid.

They must go do acid at the weekends and do brainstorms. They must. I think so. Or like my colleague of mine who's convinced it's just there's some kind of huge Google algorithm and they just plug in loads of ideas

and it spits out shit and they're like, yeah, fine, that'll do. Like toast barbershop. Fine. You know, but it's not chilling. That's the main thing. When I was a kid,

I remember there was a show. It was Australian or New Zealand, Australian, called Around the Twist. Yes. Do you remember it? And he lived in a lighthouse

and there was all this weird stuff happening. And again, one of the episodes that stuck out for me so much was one girl and under her clothes

she was covered in fingernails. Oh, that is weird. Again, the tryphobia kicked in i was like oh god and i think the end of it was she was turning into a mermaid but she was covered in fingernails fingernails all over her body that's not what mermaids are made of i know yeah that's true actually maybe i'm confusing two episodes yeah because it wasn't scales it was fingernails oh like the mermaid that no little girl wanted to be friends with yeah no one wanted that little mermaid toy the fingernail one disgusting with a bad aerial

yeah great show though like again it was a great show it was better than pug wall at least there was decent stuff happening oh pug ball was dreadful wasn't it yeah that was really bad i fancied him he was my first like um imaginary boyfriend as in like sorry my first relationship where he didn't know he was in one with me i had several of them but he was my first fair enough okay well good choices again very strong now uh joanne finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Oh, my God. Oh, well, bats are very unpopular at the moment, aren't they? Yeah.

So maybe bats. I don't really mind rats, to be honest. No, I haven't got a problem with them too much. No, I think in the right light, they can look quite sweet. Yeah, I would say bats, because you don't know when they're going to come. And they kind of hang come down they hang upside down have you ever seen a bats face up close I saw footage somewhere recently

of like this huge bat like he was the size of an 8 year old boy with a huge wingspan and all like there's something weird going on I think bats they're planning some sort of takeover it doesn't make sense as well how did you decide on upside down sleeping?

How does that make sense? How do you not pass out? Why aren't you fainting? They're very ugly. They're all leathery looking. They make weird noises. I don't know. They seem to be trying to eradicate the human race.

They're the biggest dick of the animal planet, if you ask me. I was in Australia once and this friend of mine, we were in someone's garden and there was this huge fruit bat hanging upside down because they're quite common there. Like in places like Sydney, you get loads. Like every night you see them across the sky. There's this huge like migration at night, like thousands of them. And it's really, it reminds me,

there's a bit in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that happens. So it always reminds me of that. But anyway, he was in this garden and there's this bat hanging off the tree. So he goes to take a picture of it because, you know, we're from England. This is unusual. Yeah. And the flash startled the bat

and it jumped on him and he was only wearing shorts. He had no top on. So it was just, he had this funny photo of this huge fruit bat sort of hanging off his leg. But then, you know, obviously everyone's taking more pictures of it and it gets

stressed out so it's trying to like climb up him and he's like how do i get this bat i don't know what do i even do with it it's not like you can't be freaked with a bird you could kind of shoo it and it'll flap off but it's kind of you know because it's a mammal it's like a it's like a big it's almost like a flying rodent yeah it's like how do i shake this thing off it's like a dog when we were in um again i when i again, I was in Australia for work last year. It feels like 20 years ago now. And what are those little animals? You might know them.

Maybe I'll Google it. Where they have the little tiny eyes and there's loads of them in Australia. Possums? Possums. Boom. Jesus, Dan, you know everything. So this lad that I've been gigging with told me that the night before he was standing in, like, a park in Adelaide

and this possum thought he was a tree and ran towards him at great speed, because he's obviously running away from something, and climbed up him and, like, latched onto his face. Oh, no. I know. And if they do that, that means you're their mother and you have to stay with them forever. You have to breastfeed them then for the rest of your life. I think as well if they do that, that means you're their mother and you have to stay with them forever. To breastfeed them for the rest of your life.

I think as well with bats as well, they're only going to come out at night. So it's going to be when, you know, like in the daytime. Where are they during the day? Upside down somewhere, I guess. I don't know. But you're going to be on the island sometimes. You're like, oh, that's not so bad.

You know, sunshine, waves lapping at the beach. But at night, that's when everything's going to get a bit dark and you're hungry and you're like, oh, it's not so bad. You know, sunshine, waves lapping at the beach. But at night, that's when everything's going to get a bit dark and you're hungry and you're missing home. And that's when the animal comes out, isn't it? I feel like they're growing in size. I feel like they have an agenda. And I just don't want to be a part of it. Fair enough.

And, yeah, I mean, also, I mean, they're just synonymous with sort of bad vibes, aren't they? Like vampires and things like that. And they're very fast as well. Like they'll come very close to you and then just just miss you so i think yeah i'd love a sloth okay they've been picked before um fairly recently as like the worst animal so i'm glad we're covering all bases here how is this a sloth is like the care bear of the animal world they're so cute and slow and like lazy and i i sometimes if i'm trying to sleep i'll watch videos of baby sloths getting fed i love them no well i like to have some vague

balance on this podcast so you know this is sort of undone some of the work i think it was jenny ryan put sloths on so um no i would defend i would defend i would defend slots yeah i'd look like my dream would be to be on an island with like slots pugs um anything that looks that has that kind of incest face you know that like really like packed in on itself face i love that incest face is quite accurate yeah you know that they've been in triple bread and they can't breathe, but they're still amazingly cute. Fair enough. Brilliant. Well, Joanne, I think you've picked a lovely range of awful creatures

and people and things for your island. So it's a thoroughly inhospitable place and the job is done. So thank you very much for coming on today. Where can we see or hear more from you? Well so I'm on my way back to Ireland now to do a little mini tour over there

as much as I can because I'm you know with the restrictions and stuff and I'll be back gigging in London from mid-December

Lovely brilliant so we'll keep looking out for you Sorry Joanne McNally Comedy on Instagram and I have a website

joannemcnally.com which I someone updates sometimes perfect well thank you again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today

thanks Dan